11 January 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcript of the 11 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2


Contents

I Still Didn't Stop Workin

Song: Travis - Love Will Come Through

Ricky: Travis, "Love Will Come Through" on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington, etc. I've got some, uh, great tunes, actually, lined up--

Steve: Excellent.

Ricky: I've brought in, uhh, some Aimee Mann, some, uh, Neil Young, I'm gonna play my favorite Clash track. What are you- what have you got for us, Steve?

Steve: I've got a dynamite, uh, hip hop tune--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: By The Roots, which I think you'll enjoy.

Ricky: Lovely. Lovely.

Steve: Got a little bit of, uhh, Joni Mitchell, maybe swing that on later.

Ricky: Ooh, excellent.

Steve: And, umm--

Ricky: I nearly brought in some Joni Mitchell, it's a good job I didn't.

Steve: Yeah, exactly and I'm sure--

Ricky: It wouldn't of made any difference. It wouldn't have made any difference.

Steve: No, we- we'd of probably played yours and--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: I'd of been told to--

Ricky: Fine.

Ricky and Steve: Go awayyy.

Steve: With the tune of my ear.

Ricky: Uh, Karl, what have you got lined up for us, as the producer?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Right, well, uhh, "Rockbusters"--

Ricky: Been off this week again.

Steve: Has he?!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Another week off?

Ricky: Another week off, yeah.

Karl: No, I didn't have a full week off, I had three days off--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Because I was workin' all over Christmas.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, uhh, still didn't stop working, preparin' stuff.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: You've got a nice load of prizes there--

Steve: Yeah, givin' those away.

Karl: That I've sorted out. I had to come in here especially to sort that out.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhm, "Rockbusters" will continue--

Steve: Did you rifle through the drawers up at Capital Gold instead of down here?

Karl: Yeh. Yeah. Uhh, "Rockbusters" - we're still doin' that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh--

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, you're biggin' it up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's biggin' it up.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Ricky: (Lifeless Karl Impression) Still doin' that.

Karl: We've got that. Uhh, last week, ehmm, we sort of changed "Educating Ricky" a bit.... Ehm... just a little bit.

Steve: Don't say, "We". I don't want to be incriminated in it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well- well I "changed it" in the sense that rather than giving ya too much information about different things - it's hard to, sort of, keep it all in--

Ricky: Yeeeah.

Karl: I'm givin' ya, sort of, information on one thing. So last- last week--

Ricky: Yeah. No, cuz some of your stuff was a little bit too intense for me. Uh, my favorite story was, "There was a blind girl, she hit her head and got better", and I couldn't take all that in at once.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: So, you really should ration some of the education.

Karl: Well we- we sort of start--

Steve: Wasn't last week, uh, war-related, uhh, stories?

Karl: Yeah, it was, uhh, "War Do You Think of That, Then?"

Steve: "War Do You Think of That, Then".

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: And it was three things--

Ricky: And it was the French, uh, battle cr- uh, goin' over the top was, "John's got a mustache".

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Which you think was ambiguous because someone might have said that anyway.

Karl: Well, look, you've remembered it. So it's working.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, we'll be doin' that and last week you said--

Ricky: Loads of French people have just gone to war, who are listening to this.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You, uhh- you said you wanted to learn some science this week--

Ricky: Did I?

Karl: So- yeah.

Steve Giggles

Karl: So- so, the title this week for that is: "A-cid I Would Sort You Some Science Out".

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Karl: "Acid"... "A-cid"... Because that's--

Steve: How long did that take you to come up with?

Ricky: Listen, right, no- people- people love Karl. There's comedians coming up to me and go, "Karl is the funniest man"--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They absolutely love him, right. But, I think we're only seeing half of it, right.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: If we can get him on television- his face, then, when he told me that title was like a child at Christmas.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It was- it was- he was so proud of it, he was excited what I was gonna- it was brilliant.

Steve: It's a bit like when a child's drawn a picture in art class: you- you know you've got to stick it on the fridge--

Ricky: You've gotta- yeah.

Steve: But you basically think it's crap.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's very much like that.

Ricky and Steve: (High Pitch) All right, Karl?

Karl: Is that good?

Ricky and Steve: Yes.

Karl: So, we'll be doing that--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "Do We Need 'Em?"...

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhm--

Ricky: Have you got another one?

Karl: We have got another one. Looking at, uhh, snails this week.

Ricky: Ah, yeah.

Steve: Do we need snails?

Karl: "Do We Need Snails?".

Steve: Because I know you're not a fan of snails, are you?

Karl: Well, after a bit of research, I found some good stuff ab- about, umm, like, they sleep for 13 years - some of 'em.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And that. So we'll be looking into that later--

Steve: Ricky, you tried that once, didn't you?

Ricky: (Chuckling) Yeah, I know, yeah.

Karl: We've got "Ritual"... "Ricktual".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Which is something that I talk to you about--

Ricky: Last- yeah, well last week's was brilliant.

Karl: What was it?

Ricky: It's good to have a flat head in India.

Steve: (Laughing) It's good to have a flat head in India. I forgot all about that.

Ricky: That's brilliant. Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, and, uhh, that's about it. That's--

Ricky: Well I'm gonna- I'm gonna s- play one of my favorite Smith tracks--

Steve: Can I just, uhh- make a request though? I'd quite like - if you- if you've got time - to bring back, um - just for one week only - "White Van Karl".

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Because there's some quite interesting topics this week.

Ricky: Oh, is there things happening in the world?

Steve: There's things happening.

Ricky: Cuz Karl doesn't think there is.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) No.

Ricky: "There is a Light That Never Goes Out"

Song: The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out


Have You Ever Seen a Bald Pet?

As "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" fades out, a Slide Whistle is Playing Along

Ricky: What?

Steve Laughs

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Uh--

Ricky Plays The Slide Whistle

Ricky: Someone's left one of those little things in here. It's brilliant, innit?!

Steve: It's amazing. What are they called, those things?

Slide Whistle "Up" Noise

Ricky: I just- I imagine there- just there I was thinking of being in the front row at a Morrissey concert and going, "I just- could I just play along?"

Ricky Plays Ridiculous Slide Whistle "Licks"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: They are brilliant.

Steve: I don't know what kind of sound that is!

Ricky: (Laughing) I don't know. It's only used for when Kenneth Williams...

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Sees someone undressing.

Ricky Plays an "Up" Sound on the Slide Whistle

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) That's the only time that is used, that noise.

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: That is brilliant.

Steve: It's like it was specially created for the "Carry On" films.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. "We need- I don't know what it is, but we need something when I walk in and see someone changing." "Well, what about this?"

Ricky Plays an "Up" Sound on the Slide Whistle

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" by The Smiths. Um, I phoned, uh, Karl up, in the week, yeah? And, uhh, I said, uhh, "What are you doin'?", he went, "Well, even though it's one of me days off, I'm just doin' some research on the web". He went, "Yeah I found a thing- I think I'm doing science". And then he said, "You can get wigs for dogs in Tokyo".

Steve: (Laughing) Right.

Ricky: That's his scientific fact. And I went, "What do you mean? You can get dogs- if they need a wig-", I said, "If they need a wig? What? Are dogs going bald?"

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And he went, like this is fine to him- he went, "It's a stressful city, Tokyo."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: The world's all right with Karl. He's always got an explanation. I've only ever seen him confused once when, in Edinburgh, he looked his window one day and he saw a bloke putting a parking ticket on some rubbish.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And that genuinely confused him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He couldn't work out- could ya?

Karl: It's a bit weird, innit?

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Karl: But- for the--

Ricky: And the ba- and the woman breast feeding her 8 year old child didn't- you didn't like, did ya?

Karl: No, didn't like that. But, umm, the whatshername- animals with wigs, I kinda thought- after I put the phone down to you, I thought about it and thought, "Yeah, it is a bit daft, that."

Ricky: S- are you sure it's not the ageing pop group?

Karl: No--

Ricky: The Animals?

Karl: But when you think- have you ever seen, like, a bald pet?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No.

Karl: Th- th- it's weird.

Ricky Cackles With Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing) What do you mean?!

Karl: Cuz me mam, ehm- we had a ca- we used to get through loads of cats cuz we lived on a--

Ricky and Steve Laugh Loudly

Ricky: (Laughing) OH GOD! He's starting early today, innit?!

Steve: (Laughing) What do you mean you got through a lot of cats?!

Ricky: (Laughing) It's only ten past one!

Steve: What were you doing?

Karl: Just cuz- cuz we lived o- no we lived on--

Steve: Running a restaurant?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Oh God, what do you mean???

Karl: No, we lived on, like, a main road.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So we used to get through a lot of 'em. Me dad kept saying, you know--

Ricky: It was their risk.

Karl: "Stop wasting money" - you know - "with- it's not good--"

Ricky: "Stop wasting money"! Not "wasting cats"!

Karl: Right, so, umm, anyway we had this cat that was ill all the time...

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: And uhh--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) He's just a bag of nerves probably!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Malingerer. Yeah, "I'm terrified!"

Steve: "Go into which house?"

Ricky: Vroom! Vroom! (Laughing) "Oh God. Bloody hell." Vroom!

Karl: So--

Steve: D- don't let me go to the Pilkington's!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: And he- he- for some reason it kept being sick all the time.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah. That is nerves. That's definitely nerves.

Karl: So, me mam thought- kind of thought, "Oh, I've had enough of this" and she shaved it.

Ricky: WHAT! WHOA! Whoah whoahhh whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah. Now I know- I know you're not vets, in your family, but what correlation did your mum think there was between it being sick and shaving it?

Karl: Because it kept being sick and it was a pain to wash because it kept getting, sort of--

Ricky: So she wanted a dry wipe cat.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: So--

Ricky: Why didn't she just varnish it?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: What ah--

Karl: It's weird- it's weird though.

Ricky: So now- so now he's cold and sick?

Karl: No but d- no, not- I mean, not all of it. She left, sort of, the back half but, sort of, from- from its waist, sort of t--

Ricky: (Laughing) I love that! Shaving cuz it's sick on itself!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) That is genius!

Karl: And it's the weirdest looking thing. I mean, nor- normally I like cats, I'm always, like, giving yours a stroke on the head and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: As soon as she did that, it was like, "Oooh."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Poor thing!

Karl: Can't touch it. And then--

Ricky: So now it's sick, cold and hated!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I lo- I-I-I.... Karl!

Steve: It must've- I mean, other- the other cats must've been taking the mick out of it constantly. It's just making things worse. Did it get- I'm hoping that it got run over and was put out of its misery.

Karl: No, I think it- I think it got all right, that one... Or is that the-? Yeah, it did get run over.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: It did.

Ricky: Oh God! Awww.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) How many cats do you say you got through?

Pause

Karl: I'd say when it- whilst I was livin' at home- I mean, it- it's still on the increase even though I'm not living there--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: So, I- whilst- whilst I was there - probably five.

Ricky Chuckles

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: Yeah. Wow!

Ricky: Ohhh!

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And were you upset each time or you just got used to it?

Karl: It's- it's one of them things, innit, like I've said before when you first see something it's a bit of a shock, do you know what I mean? It's like the Elephant Man or whatever--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: First time you see him it's that, sort of, "Oooh, look at that."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you remember the first time you saw Steve? No, I'm not being funny. Do you remember the- about the first...

Karl: Yeah, but I've said this before - it's always- then you get used to how people look and you don't--

Ricky Wheezes With Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing) Steve's face!

Karl: No. No. D'ya--

Ricky: (Laughing) I'm gonna burst! I'm gonna- you have to play a record because I just- Steve's face!

Goldrush - Let You Down Begins To Play

Karl: No, but I've got used to it.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Steve: Shut up. Shut up.

Song: Goldrush - Let You Down


Hanging Out By Stacks of Office DVDs

Ricky: "Let You Down", Goldrush on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Brilliant. A--

Steve: Rick, I was in a- I don't know whether I should tell you this because it might rock you to the very core...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: But I was in an Indian restaurant the other night and, uhh- I don't- you've not seen the film- have you seen the film "Notting Hill"?

Ricky: I haven't, no.

Steve: Right, in the film "Notting Hill"- have you seen that, Karl?

Karl: Yeah, yeah. I saw it.

Steve: Do you remember the bit- uh, Julia Roberts plays a- a movie star rather like Julia Roberts--

Ricky: She's the most famous movie- I yeah.

Steve: And she is in a restaurant having dinner with, uh, uhh, Hugh Grant and she overhears some people in the restaurant slagging her off and saying, you know--

Ricky: Ah, yeah.

Steve: She's a slapper probably, all actors are- all actresses are. And, uhh, she's, sort of, stewing on it and, uh, Hugh Grant wants to say something and she says, "No, I won't- I won't let you". And then as she's walking out, she goes and says something to them and of course their faces drop, they can't believe it's her. Anyway, I was in a Chin- you know, an Indian restaurant the other night and they were slagging you off, Rick.

Ricky: (Tsk Sound) Ohhh.

Steve: Well they were s- all they were saying is they were going, "Aw, Ricky Gervais. The thing about Ricky Gervais is: he's just like the character he plays"

Ricky: Right.

Steve: "He's just like David Brent in real life". Annd, I was listening in and I was thinking, "Well, I want to say something. I want to go over and have a word and say, you know, 'You're- you're partially right...'"

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: But, uhh- but I couldn't- I didn't know what to do- I didn't know- I didn't know what to say. I- I couldn't- what could I do? I couldn't really go over there and get into a rumble--

Ricky: I want to say, "What do you mean that I'm like him?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I use his face and his vocal chords--

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: But I mean, I- I can't help that. It--

Steve: But it's that thing as well of... I don't know where they've got this information from.

Ricky: But, I- kno- kno- kno- it's received--

Steve: Cuz you're not, so they're wrong.

Ricky: Well it's- it's- yeah- they've received it from somewhere or they've- they've read it or something, it- it's just- I- I- but I don't know- I mean, I can't really be annoyed with it, they're just wrong. It's--

Steve: But it was very weird like--

Ricky: It's- it's like being annoyed at a vicar believing in God, I can't get annoyed with him--

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: I just don't believe...

Steve: But because obviously they didn't recognize me, it's rather like- you know when they talk about the idea that if you could go to your funeral--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What would people be saying about you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's the closest thing you could get to that.

Ricky: Well you--

Steve: You- you can hear what people are saying about your friends.

Ricky: But, why didn't you, um, g- get 'em 'round so you go- you go, "He is, yeah. What do you think of the other fella s- sometimes with him?"

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: "That tall fella. He's good, isn't he?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: It's- it's a shame, actually, because, umm, on the occasions I do get recognized for my minor appearances, umm, I never get any cool fans, I just get the nerds. I get the real nerdlingers.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: I don't get, you know, beautiful women coming up--

Ricky: You're putting them off, though. You're putting them off. You've got to take what you can.

Steve: Well--

Ricky: You'll have nothing.

Steve: Now, I know but this girl came up to me the other day and she said, "Hey, are you that guy who's involved with 'The Office'?", I go, "Why, yes I am", she went, "My boyfriend loves you, he's over here", and she pointed him out--

Ricky: Aw.

Steve: I was devastated. I thought, "I'm in here".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There was nothing- there was nothing going on. But there was a guy who was in HMV and he was working with a till- been working with a till and he saw me, he said, "Will you sign this DVD?", I went, "Ah, no problem", he- and I said- I was trying to make conversation- trying to be frothy and I said to him, "Awww, selling well is it?", and he went, "It is, it is. Although we've had quite a lot of returns".

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve: I said, "Well, don't tell me that! I don't need to know that!"

Ricky: What did he- what did he mean? That they didn't like it or that the--

Steve: And I said- I said, "What? People have been bringing them back?"--

Ricky: No, I think it's glitches.

Steve: He said, "They've been bringing them back", I said, "What was the problem?", he said, "They didn't really like it".

Ricky: No!

Steve: Yeah, "Some of 'em didn't really like it"!

Ricky: (High Pitched) You can get it back if you don't like it?

Steve: I know! I mean, I don't know whether they gave them their money back but certainly that's what he dealt with- that's what he'd encountered.

Ricky: Then he said, "We didn't give their money back, they just wanted to drop it off" "What, they didn't even want the money back?!"

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah. "They just wanted to get rid of it."

Ricky: Yeah, they didn't say--

Steve: "They really didn't want it in the house."

Ricky Cackles

Steve: "I don't want this rubbish in the house."

Ricky: Awwww, but we still get the money for it, do we?

Steve: We still get the money but do you know that- I told you that time--

Ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Steve: Again, because I'm- people don't recognize me, I was in a record shop, there was a stack of Office videos, and this guy went by and I, sort of, heard them as they went by. He went, "Oooh, Office. Yeah, a lot of people- lot of people like that. I think it's shit", his mate went, "I agree".

Ricky: Really?!

Steve: And of course, again I was- what could I do? I couldn't say anything. I couldn't pipe up and say, "Well, that's sort of... a bit of an insult".

Ricky: (Laughing) What I like- I like these- the fact that you're always hearing these loud vocal--

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I mean, yeah these--

Ricky: (Laughing) That's great. What are the chances of two--

Steve: I don't--

Ricky: Pe- that's brilliant.

Steve: Maybe it's bec--

Ricky: Maybe everyone's always slagging it off.

Steve: But it is partly--

Ricky: That's it.

Steve: That's partly it but also because I keep stand- hanging out by stacks of Office DVDs.

Ricky Cackles

Steve Chuckles

Steve: (Laughing) Wearing a t-shirt with a picture of you and me on it.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, that'll do it.

Ricky: What have we got to play, Karl?

Karl: Something Steve wants.

Steve: Well, actually, um, I must dedicate this to, uh, someone who's emailed in. I mentioned earlier that I was going to play some of The Roots and Joe from Peterborough's very excited about that. So, uhh, this is not from the current Roots album, sadly, which I've not fully absorbed yet and therefore don't feel I can make a decision on which track to play but maybe that'll come up sometime in the future.

Ricky: That's the sort of effort and thought we put into our- you know, picking music.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I had these cassettes still in my bag from last week.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Sure. Anyway, this is from the album "Things Fall Apart", it's The Roots featuring Erykah Badu "You Got Me". Let's play it.

Song: The Roots feat. Erykah Badu - You Got Me


Another Big Sell

Steve: Featuring Erykah Badu, that's The Roots and "You Got Me".

Ricky: Good, I like that one.

Steve: Yeah. You've enjoyed that.

Ricky: Yeah, I love it, yeah. Well it's, uhh- it's coming up to 1:30 and so it's time for "Rockbusters".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: It's a structured show, it's a new leaf. This show, in the new year, is gonna be structured - set pieces, um, hittin' our marks, do you know what I mean, there'll be time checks, uh- uhh, weather checks--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: It's a bit cold out. Umm, if you're- if you're- if you're driving... careful and that.

Steve Giggles

Ricky: So... do the prizes--

Steve: Watch out for traffic, like, if it's bad.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Okay, well, again an abitrary selection of, uhh, goodies--

Ricky: WHAT are those politicians doin'?!

Steve Giggles

Steve: (Laughing) Is that "XFM News"?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Right, what have we got?

Steve: So, we've got, uhh, for those that are a fan of the movie "Donnie Darko" which a lot of people rave about this year, a sort of weird, teenage movie - then, uh, there's a sort of sweatshirt there.

Ricky: It is actually quite nice. Long sleeve t-shirt--

Steve: It's not bad at all. It's, uhh- it's medium, so if you- if you're a bit of a bloater, don't bother to apply unless you've got a friend or relative.

Ricky Coughs and Laughs

Steve: Umm, uhh, we've also got here, uhhm, a Graham Norton video, certificate 18...

Ricky: Oh, that's so- us--

Steve: Please don't phone up unless you're- sorry, don't email in unless you're above the age of 18.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Umm, and that's, I think, the best of his TV show...

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Look forward to that. Umm--

Ricky: It's a big stiff video, that, innit? It's a big stiff cock of a video. Ooh!

Steve: (Chuckling) Thanks very much.

Ricky: I meant...

Steve: You can't say- yeah. You meant the bird.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Umm, there's also a--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Fairly mediocre British wartime thriller, "Enigma", umm, which a lot of people r- r- it was hyped for a while but it's actually interminable - I've seen it.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Umm, the, uhh, first series here of "The Kumars at No. 42" on DVD. Uh, I think that's award-winning, so, uhh, that's available as well. We've got two CDs by the look of it. We've got, uhh, Pulp's greatest hits which I don't think sold very well and so presumably they are giving that away.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: And Johnny Cash's, umm, current, uhh, album, uhh, "American IV: The Man Comes Around". There's some good cover versions there including--

Ricky: Again, another big sell. A big sell. We're really pushing this.

Steve: Uh, but it- it- yeah, it's a quite kooky, uhh- Johnny Cash here does covers of things including "Personal Jesus"--

Ricky: Oh, right.

Steve: By Depeche Mode--

Ricky: Depeche Mode, yeah.

Steve: Uh, we've got "Bridge Over Troubled Water", his version of that.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: "Desperado" and- anyway, it's not bad. That's probably the best treat in that bunch--

Ricky: Right--

Steve: And, uhm, I'm assuming there's some questions there, Karl, are there?

Karl: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Right, here we go.

Karl: Uh, if you're a new listener, the way it works - I give ya a cryptic clue--

Ricky: Well...

Karl: And some initials and it sort of makes up a band--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhmm, makes more sense when you hear it, I reckon.

Steve: Not particularly.

Ricky: Well, not really. Although, people do get it. I just worry about the- the state of our listeners.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right, so there's three of 'em, you email in ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk--

Ricky: It's email only--

Karl: Email only.

Ricky: I repeat: it is email only. We're not gonna have that--

Steve: We are too lazy to answer the phone!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah!

Karl: Okay--

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Here we go then. Number One: uhm- there's- there's normally two easy ones and a difficult one.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: So, here we go... Uhh, Number One: "Don't argue with him, he ain't gonna change his mind."

Steve: "Don't argue with him, he aint gonna change his mind."

Karl: Yeah, that's A.A.

Steve: A.A.

Karl: That's- yeah. So, that's the first one.

Steve: "Don't argue with him, he ain't gonna change his mind."

Karl: UHHHM...

Long Pause

Steve: What do you mean, "Uhm"?! You've presumably got them written out, haven't you?!

Karl: Just- just- I'm just thinkin' about... what the answer is because I didn't write the answer down to this one.

Ricky: Oh for G-!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Don't worry, they'll get it.

Karl: Mmmm.

Ricky: Yeah, don't worry.

Karl: Well, ehhm--

Steve: What do you mean? You can't remember it? You came up with it. There's only three!

Karl: I know, I know it's weird, innit?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: No, it's not weird, it's incompetent.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Right, the second one, anyway, I hope you get this... Ehhm--

Steve: (Laughing) "I hope you get this."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Email in and tell us the answer!

Ricky: This is a shambles, innit.

Karl: Hang on a minute!

Steve: Go on, keep going.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: "He always gets what he wants and doesn't worry about anyone else." - P.

Pause

Steve: (Laughing) And--

Ricky and Steve: --you don't know who that is?

Karl: It'll- I'm sure- it'll come to me once I see it on email if- I know--

Ricky: What do you mean?! Once they get it you'll agree with them?

Karl: I'll know if it's the one I had down as the answer.

Ricky: This is brilliant--

Karl: Come on, it's the--

Ricky: Imagine Jeremy Paxman doing that, going--

Steve: Yeah, "University Challenge".

Ricky: "Is that right?" Go on.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Right, so, uhh, that's that one--

Steve: Give us that one again.

Karl: Uhm, "He always gets what he wants and doesn't worry about anyone else." - P.

Steve: But you're confused!... I don't understand how you can be confused.

Pause

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Loudly

Steve: All right, what's the final one?

Karl: The thir- the third one, uhh--

Ricky: Right.

Karl: "I'll have to put that woman in the oven." And that's A.B.

Steve: All right, quickly give us them again.

Karl: Right, so the first one: "Don't argue with him, he ain't- he ain't gonna change his mind." That's A.A. Uhhmm--

Ricky Sighs

Karl: "He always gets what he wants and doesn't worry about anyone else." That's P. And, uhhm, "I'll have to put that woman in the oven." - A.B.

Steve: All right.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

Ricky: I'm gonna play a classic track now by--

Steve: I look forward to it.

Ricky: Neil Young, "Alabama".

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: It's beautiful.

Steve: Beautiful.

Song: Neil Young - Alabama


That Would Confuse Psychologists

Ricky: Neil Young, "Alabama"... A- Karl is still confused. He's waiting- he's biting his fingers, waiting for an email to tell him the answer to the clue he made up but can't get.

Steve Giggles

Ricky: I love that as an experiment.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: As a psycho- I mean, that would confuse psychologists - that you come up with something that you can't get. It's brilliant.

Steve: Yeah, you came up with a question, you don't know the answer.

Ricky: And you expect them to but you can't and you made it up. Look at your face! Like a v- play some adverts.

XFM


Talkin of Ghosts an' That

Ricky: "Honestly", Zwan. By, uhh, Billy Corgan's new band- there. Umm, ex-Smashing Pumpkins--

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Sounds a bit like 'em.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But I like it.

Steve: It's alright. Not bad.

Ricky: I like it. I'm--

Steve: You'll be pleased to know, Rick, incidentally--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: That someone's got the right answer. So, uhh, Karl--

Ricky: Karl's relieved.

Steve: Know's the band that's the answer.

Ricky: Well done, Karl.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: You're a fool. Right...

Steve: Well, umm... talking of which--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: It's a long time since we've had any "White Van Karl". For those that, uh, don't remember this particular hot feature--

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, we basically ask s- Karl some of the questions that are asked of a white van driver, in "The Sun". They always have this on Saturday afternoon. Anyway, here's the first one- and they're not fascinating, Karl, but I'm just interested in your take, really.

Ricky: Yeah.

Sound Adjustment Sound

Steve: What do you make of Cilla Black quitting "Blind Date" after her husband sent a message from beyond the grave. Are you familiar with this story?

Karl: I didn't know that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What's- what's that?

Steve: She went to see a medium and, uhh, supposedly her husband passed on information through the medium which was incredibly vague but, uhm, persuaded her to quit live on air.

Karl: Well, so that- it's about time, innit? If even dead people are saying--

Ricky Bursts Into Laughter

Steve Laughs

Karl: "Enough's enough."

Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing

Karl: I'll tell you what though, talkin' about--

Ricky: Genius.

Karl: Talkin' about ghosts and that, do you know how I'm in to 'em?

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. How weird do you think this is, right--

Ricky: Well, it's not true. Before you say it.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve: No, go on, go on.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right, it's this woman....

Karl Clears His Throat

Karl: I don't know if it's ghosts, really, it's just a bit weird.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah. Sure.

Karl: There's this woman--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she's- well, she's not a woman, she's a kid.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve Laughs

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: She's walking down, uhh, like, a street in her area, it's a nice day and everything, everything's normal. Ehhm, she's walking down and a woman comes up cycling past, right?

Pause

Karl: The woman on the bike looks at the kid absolutely terrified.

Ricky Sighs

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right? Got a really scary face on her.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: The kid's thinking, "Why is she doing that?"

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. So, anyway, she thinks nothing of- nothing of it, goes- you know, I think she was playing in the park or whatever- goes and has a nice day... 'Bout 15 years later--

Steve: OH, right, yeah.

Karl: She's- I don't know, I think she was going to work, all right, on her bike.

Steve: She's riding her own bike. Okay.

Karl: Riding her own bike. Cycling down the road--

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Looks at the kid... That's the s- thing that happened, like, 15, 20 years ago--

Steve: Right.

Karl: It's her on the bike looking at her as a kid.

Steve: Right. Not- not- not another child?

Karl: No.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So it's her. She's seen herself--

Ricky: A- wh- Karl!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I mean, I don't know where to start.

Steve: Firstly, where's this information come from?

Ricky: But, I mean, wh- why do you ever con- I mean- I don't know what part of that you think can be true. I- I don't- I- I m- honest- I- I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. What are you talking about?

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: A bit weird, though, innit?

Steve: But it's not true.

Ricky: It didn't happen. Nothing happened like that.

Karl: She said it did.

Ricky: WHO?! Who?

Steve: Well, she's wrong!

Ricky: She said she saw herself.

Karl: She saw herself as a kid, didn't she?

Steve: Did she carry on riding past?

Ricky: And- and as an adult... when she was a kid.

Steve: (Chuckling) Did she stop--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: (Laughing) And talk to herself? Or did she ride on by and think, "That's a bit weird, there's me as an 8-year-old. I won't stop, I'll be late for work"?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if I'm late again the boss said he'd be in trouble.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Aw--

Karl: Right. Well, it's strange.

Steve: And where is this information? Was it- did it happen to someone you know?

Karl: No.

Steve: You overheard it on the bus.

Karl: No, it was, uhh- it was in "The Fortean Times".

Steve: Ahhh, right.

Ricky: Ah Okay. Good.

Steve: That's the answer.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: We've got to the bottom of that.

Ricky: Right. Good.

Steve: Ummm--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: And what do you make of David Blunkett accusing gangster rappers of making kids believe guns are cool? It's a hot topic there, Karl. I imagine you've got some, uh, strong opinions.

Karl: He's- he's saying what?

Steve: He is saying, basically, that all this rrrap music is, uh, advocating gun use, violence against people and he's very worried about it.

Karl: Nahh.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: All right.

Ricky: What's the next one?

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Have you thought about going into politics? Cuz...

Karl: You gotta go--

Steve: I- I'll tell you this: they wouldn't be able to argue with you, really, in the houses of parliament.

Ricky: I- I--

Steve: Where would they start?

Ricky: Yeah. "My dear fellow, he's an idiot."

Steve Laughs

Karl: No, but violence has always been about, innit? Like, cowboys and indians, they didn't have playstations and Tupac then and there was still violence.

Ricky: What do you mean? In the wild west?

Karl: Yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? So you can't really blame it on stuff- it'll- it'll always happen. That's, you know, that's the world, innit? It's made up of different types and that.

Ricky: Again, he's right... Again, he's- he's sort of right, in a way. In his- in his innocence, in his buffoonery--

Steve: I didn't hear what he said.

Ricky: He just said there's always been violence. You know what I mean? Sort of, like--

Karl: Even- you know, dinosaurs - look at them. They- they caused a lot of trouble.

Ricky: And then he went too far and made himself--

Steve: And- yeah.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Sound like an idiot.

Ricky: Sound like a fool again.

Karl: No, but- but I'm just sayin', it's always happened, it always will.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Don't- you know, don't try and change it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Just chill out", is what you're saying.

Ricky: Do you know what we should do? We should- we should all get on our bike go and find ourselves when we were little--

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Ricky: And go, "Be careful what you do in life."

Steve Laughs

Song: Zwan - Honestly


I Would Love a Hammock

Ricky: Oasis, "Supersonic". Still good, innit?

Steve: As good as ever.

Ricky: Still good. On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: You'll be pleased, Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Ricky Anderson has, uh, emailed in.

Ricky: DICKERS!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Dickers. Danderson--

Ricky: AWWWWWWWWW!!!

Steve: Yeah. He's, uhh--

Ricky: How are you doing Dindo?

Steve: He's, uh- he's probably our, uhh, biggest fan and--

Ricky: Diddler! You little Diddler!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly. He's emailed in, as ever. "Ricky, your show fascinates me. How do you maintain such levels of senseless drivel?"

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's from, uhh- from Randers- from Randy Anders, little cl--

Ricky: LITTLE DIDDLE DODDERS!

Steve Laughs

Ricky and Steve: AWWWWWW.

Steve: So, uh, thanks again, uhhh, um--

Ricky: Dudley.

Steve: For that- yeah.

Ricky: Uh, well done. He's, uh- yeah, that's great. Uh--

Steve: Thanks for that.

Ricky: I get a buzz- A- A- I was dissapointed last week where he didn't- wh- wh- ask him why he's, uhh- didn't email us last--

Steve: Didn't- didn't- he didn't respond last week, no, it's a shame.

Ricky: Probably busy. I don't believe he had something better to do.

Steve: Well, I wouldn't of thought so.

Ricky: Can't believe that of anyone.

Steve: (Laughing) Nooo, no.

Ricky: When, uh, you have this sort of level--

Steve: Not on a Saturday afternoon. Exactly.

Ricky: Intense chat. What have you done this, uh, week, Karl?

Karl: Well, I've had a, uh- had a few days off, hadn't I?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Still, you know, doin' stuff for this show and that but--

Ricky: Well, not really.

Karl: Managed to put a few hours in--

Ricky: Yeah. Not really.

Karl: Just- just doin'- doin' nothin' and, uh... bought a place. I was- I was lookin' at kitchens.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Weighin' some of them up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, uhh--

Ricky: Checkin' them out?

Karl: Checkin' them out and, uhh, also ordered a sofa...

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Nice, sort of, comfy, sort of, leathe- leatherish sofa.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Oooh.

Steve: A "leatherish" sofa?

Ricky: I don't- I don't like leather sofas. A l- a l--

Karl: No. Yeah, but what are you picturin'?

Pause

Ricky: Um--

Steve: A leather sofa.

Ricky: A leather sofa.

Karl: Yeah, but what?

Ricky: I don't li- it's squeakin', it's--

Karl: No, this isn't.

Ricky: Isn't it?

Karl: No, this isn't like that.

Ricky: But I wa- I want a really old, sinkey--

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Dented fabric- I wa- I want a sofa that is as comfortable as a bed.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Well if it was acceptable you'd have a bed in your lounge. Wouldn't you?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: If that was allowed without seeming like you were, sort of, like, elderly or just--

Ricky: That would be good. And I'd have- I'd have drip going in--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Sort of, like, with nutrients because you know I can't be bothered to chew--

Steve: No, you can't- yeah.

Ricky: Lager- sort of, lager with, sort of, uh, uhh, vitamins--

Steve: Vitamins - continue.

Ricky: And then- and then one going from my knob down to the toilet--

Steve: To the lavatory.

Ricky: A- And with all the remote controls.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And I- that would be amazing.

Steve: To be fair, you're almost there, Rick.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: I've certainly seen the toilet tubing--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: When I've been 'round in the past.

Ricky: My dad's bed, right- my dad would never change his chair. My mum would try to get rid of it cuz it- it would just fit to him, it would just be absolutely dilapidated, right. And same his bed--

Steve: What, he's got his bed like his own chair in the lounge?

Ricky: Yeah, his own chair, right. And, uhh.. and his bed right, when, uh - they had seperate rooms towards the end - um, and his bed, right- it was just- he had it for years and it was a big dip.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: It was just like a spoon in the middle where- it just- it was concaved where it was a little bit--

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: And my mum (Laughs) used to just vaccuum it out.

Steve: (Disgusted) Awwwww!

Ricky: Where the little bits of, like- you know, he'd have a fag in bed or he'd do- do his roll ups in bed. And uh--

Steve: Yeah. Ooh, that's grotesque.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: She said to him, "Why do you like that bed, it's curved to your, you know--". He goes, "It means I can't fall out."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I like the idea that he's, like, in a hammock. That's great!

Steve: That couldn't be good for his back.

Ricky: Well, I don't think it mattered... towards the end.

Steve: Aw no.

Ricky: But, um, so- yeah, a hammock would be- I really would love a hammock or anything- a big bean bag would be good, wouldn't it? With a telly.

Steve: A bean bag as big as a bed would be amazing.

Ricky: Yeah but, this is still the telly thing cuz do you prop yourself up a little bit to watch it, do you watch it on the side - which is annoying - do you turn the telly on the side?

Steve: That's always- I've always wondered about that.

Karl: The weird th- the weird thing is, right, do you know how I've mentioned before about certain things that are just right. Like your hand... five fingers is- is just enough.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Right? One more--

Ricky: This- sex tips.

Karl: It ruins stuff--

Ricky: Yeah, one less--

Karl: One less and you- you know, I was saying about dryin' your pots and that - it'd be really slippery and that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: And the weird thing is, right--

Steve: I think that's nat- what nature had in its mind.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: No, but like- like, umm, me- me mam and dad, right they moved to this little, like- little house, right. And, umm, they had loads of furniture that they collected over the years without chuckin' out and they moved to this small house so they just had too much furniture, right.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: And, uh, they had this double bed and that was for, like, you know, when friends come 'round and that, they can stay there. But the problem was, he wanted to, sort of, put these wardrobes in the bedroom, right?

Steve: Right.

Karl: That went on either side of the bed--

Steve: Sort of wrapped around the bed.

Karl: Because- yeah. But, because the room was so small, he thought, "I can sort that out."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. And he sawed the bed--

Steve: He sawed the bed?

Karl: He sawed the whole thing. So you've got, like, your mattress, your bed and everything sort of--

Steve: What, just sliced it some off?

Ricky: Like a big sandwich? Just c-cut a bit off the end?

Steve: Just c- cut the crust off?

Karl: But how much is that, would you say?

Ricky: About eight inches.

Karl: About eight inches--

Ricky: But hold on- but that won't work--

Steve: He cut that--

Ricky: Cuz it'll all fall out the side and then what happened to the springs and all the support and stuff. It just collapse--

Karl: He sorted it out. It didn't- it didn't all come out and that. I mean, it's not the comfiest bed...

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: But- but the weird thing is, he did it and even though it's only, like, that eight inches or whatever it totally ruined it. It was like--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well, of course, it would!

Karl: No, but what do you think I mean?... I don't mean, "it ruined it" as in, "it looks a mess".

Steve: No, it would've been uncomfortable.

Karl: Not even that, though. Just the fact, it's that little bit shorter, it's like, "God, for two people this is- this is hard work now. This is like you haven't got enough room." Even though it's only eight inches--

Ricky: Why did he- why did he build the wardrobes first--

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Without measuring- putting the--

Karl: I think he did all that and then thought, "Oh, it'll easily fit in there", and it didn't, so he had to, sort of, saw a bit off the bed.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: But it's just weird how only eight inches--

Steve: Did he use an electric- one of those electric saws?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: That's amazing.

Steve: And it was just- presumably there was just, kind of--

Ricky: What did he do--

Steve: Sort of, material and wood just flying everywhere.

Ricky: What did he do with the legs? Did he have to move the legs in a bit?

Karl: He moved- he moved the legs. Looking at it, right, once it's got, like, the- the quilt on it and everything you wouldn't know.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: I was like, "Yeah, that's all right. Done a good job."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And I went to bed at night. He's like, you know, "Sleep well." Got up in the morning after having about 45 minutes sleep and said, "Something not right with that."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He goes, "What do you mean?"

Steve: You really are your father's son, aren't you?

Ricky: (Laughing) "There's something not right with that."

Karl: I said- I said, "It's not right", and he said, "Oh, well", I said, "What have you done? It doesn't seem the same", and he said, "Oh, I had to shorten it, sort of thing--"

Steve: Mm hmm.

Karl: You know - "to fit in the gap." I said, "Well, I can't sleep in it." I said- and there was a big kerfuffle. Me mam was sayin', "Look, you have our bed then and we'll sleep in that one."

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: And me dad was like, "Sod that."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, it's ruined.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: You know--

Ricky: Some i- some idiot cut it.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: So, uhh, there was a big debate goin' on about where we should sleep and I was sayin', "Look, I only come and see you, like, every couple of, you know- probably once every six months--"

Ricky: Can I- c- now I'm not being funny but next time you go home, can I film it?

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Just for, do you know what I mean, Channel 4 or something?

Steve: Well, you know- I mean "The Osbournes" is not on at the moment--

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Steve: "The Pilkingtons".

Ricky: It would be--

Steve: Now that would be extraordinary.

Ricky: Aww, oh, can we film it?

Steve: (Fake Laughing) Haw Haw Haww, that's brilliant.

Ricky: Is anyone from Channel 5 listening to this show?

Steve: Or Bravo.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The Pilkingtons".

Karl: Weird though. Bit weird.

Ricky: Play a record?

Karl: What do you want to play? Do you want to play, uhh, (Exhaling) fffffff- do you fancy playing some of yours?

Steve: Uhh, wha- have we got anything?

Karl: I don't know, something that was sent in to ya maybe.

Steve: Oh, yeah- no, I'll tell you- yeah I'd like to play this, yeah. Bronze Age Fox, a band from Bristol, my neck of the woods. Uh, play the tune Karl.

Ricky: Always working.

Steve: Play the tune.

Ricky: Always working.

Steve: Play the tune.

Ricky: He's always working. He's on the ball. He's on the ball. He's on the bobby ball.

Song: Bronze Age Fox - ???


This Week, Snails

Song: Coldplay - The Scientist

Ricky: (DJ Voice) Coldplay! "The Scientist", XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steven Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl what are you doin'?

Steve Giggles

Steve: (Laughing) I wish that's how you spoke.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Right. What you doin', then? What's goin' on?

Steve: Let's have a quick reprise, if we could, of the, uhh- of the "Rockbusters" clues.

Karl: Yeah, "Rockbusters" if you've just tuned in, you've missed it this week, uhh, I give you three clues--

Steve: Well, no, you haven't. That's why we're giving the clues again.

Karl: Yeah, I know but if they haven't.

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Say if they've been busy and just--

Steve: Just give the clues again!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Um, first one--

Ricky: (Laughing) Oh, God.

Karl: Umm, "Don't argue with him cuz he- he isn't gonna change his mind." That's A.A.

Ricky Coughs

Karl: Second one: uhm, "He always gets what he, uhh- he always gets what he wants and doesn't worry about anyone else." That's P. Yeah? And the third and final one: "Oooh, might have to put that woman in the oven." A.B.

Steve: Interesting.

Ricky: Are we telling them or still- to have a chance--

Steve: No, no, no, i- i- people have still got a chance to win those extraordinary prizes. Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. It's email only.

Ricky: We've still got features to come, though, Steve--

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: It's incredible. We've still got "Ricktual"--

Karl Attempts to Speak

Ricky: Where- remember last time? People in India- it's good to have a flat head.

Steve: (Amused) Yes.

Ricky: We've got "Do We Need 'Em?"

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: I've got "That's Rickydiculous".

Steve: That's a great game.

Ricky: What should we do next? What should we do next?

Steve: It's too much.

Karl: Will we, uhh- get "Do We Need 'Em" out of the way?

Steve: Let's do that. Of course.

Ricky: Get "Do We Need 'Em" out of the way.

Karl: Conquest. Yeah, just, uhh, gag--

Steve: Let's- let's explain it again.

Karl: If you're new, uhhm, I'm sort of on a bit of a mission to find out- you know, we've got a lot of animals and insects in the world and stuff--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhm, do we need 'em all?

Steve Laughs

Steve: (Laughing) It still amuses me.

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: So, we've found out we've got to keep jellyfish, we've done octopus--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Said we've got to keep them. This week: snails.

Steve: Do we need 'em?

"Parkinson" Theme Music Plays

Karl: Just doin' some research--

Expert: Uh huh.

Karl: Right, uhhm, I'm sort of workin' me way through different creatures and insects and stuff that's on the planet.

Expert: Yeah.

Karl: Right. Uhhm, and finding out if we need 'em or not. Right?

Expert: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know much about snails?

Expert: Wha- um, sea snails?

Karl: Well, yeah.

Expert: Or snails in general? Umm, don't know much about snail- land snails. Know a bit about sea snails like whelks, top shells, that sort of thing.

Karl: Would you say they're important?

Pause

Expert: Uh, what's the sense which you mean by "important"?

Karl: Say, if we had to, sort of, get rid of some animals and insects and that because we're runnin' out of room.

Expert: (Amused) Right.

Karl: Do you know what I mean? Cuz- cuz I'll tell you what I know about some snails, I don't know if this applies to sea snails as well. I mean, I called you today because a- a lot of other places are- are shut.

Expert: Yeah.

Karl: Right, so, umm, I know, umm, they like to eat stamps, apparently - the glue on stamps...

Expert: Right.

Karl: They love it. Right?

Expert: Right.

Karl: Uhh, apparently a lot of, uhh, letters and stuff aren't getting to where they're meant to be gettin' cuz snails are crawlin' into letter boxes--

Expert: Right.

Karl: And eatin' the stamps. That obviously doesn't apply to the sea ones.

Expert: Mmm.

Karl: But, that- that's a problem they're causing.

Expert: Oh, right.

Karl: Uhh, are you- were you aware of that?

Expert: Noo, no.

Karl: Bet you're glad you answered the phone today.

Silence.

Karl: Right, they love beer.

Expert: Beer, yeah. Who doesn't?

Karl: And also- I don't know if this is right- but I heard that they sleep for 13 years - or can do.

Expert: Right, I- (Exhales) I wouldn't know if they can sleep for 13 years or not but... I mean, sea snails are pretty important, yeah. They're- they're- they do quite a good job in the sea they- g- graze on algaes and they're--

Karl: But- but--

Expert: Provide food for other- other animals. I mean, you can say that about any fish, you know, or any animal, "Why do they- why do they exist--"

Karl: Would- would you be upset if, you know, someone said, "We're gettin' rid of 'em."

Expert: Well, yeah, yeah.

Karl: You would be?

Expert: They're an animal, yeah, I wouldn't--

Karl: Forget bein', like- favoritism and all that I get for them, right.

Expert: Yeah

Karl: There'll be other things knockin' around you can, sort of, spend your time lookin' after. You'll still have a job, don't be worryin' about that because I'm not going to get rid of all the fish. Jellyfish need lookin' after so you're safe.

Expert: Yeah.

Karl: But do we need them?

Pause

Karl: Come on, there's loads of people sayin', "Come onnn, we've gotta move on through the animals", and you're holdin' 'em up, sayin', "Well, I want to keep 'em."

Expert: Well who's- who's saying we need to... that just sounds a bit- just sounds a bit crazy to me but...

Karl: Just- just imagine... do you know what I mean and they would come to you because you work in an aquarium so they'd- they'd be askin' for your advice.

Expert: Right.

Karl: And you're slowin' it down.

Expert: Well, they asked my advice and I'm givin' it to 'em, so, you know... That's what I think, anyway.

Karl: Yeah, but snails, you know, I mean, like I say, they- they drink beer and that, you know, what do- what do they do apart from... some food for a- for a whelk?

Expert: They were- they were around- their descendents were around a lot longer- uhh, longer than we have been.

Karl: Yeah, they've been around a long time but what have they done?

Expert: Well, they survived that long so they must be doing something pretty good.

Karl: Well, apparently they sleep for 13 years so, really, even though they've been around for ages--

Expert: I don- I- I wasn't- I think- that sounds a bit- I don't think they sleep for 13 years.

Karl: Not al- I mean, not all of 'em, just- just the- just the tired ones. So, snails... do we need them?

Expert: Well, yeah. I just think they've got a- this is, you know- it's not for us to say, "Do we need them or not?". We can't dec--

Karl: So, you think we should keep 'em.

Expert: Yeah, definitely.

"Parkinson" Theme Music Plays

Ricky: (Laughing) Karl g- Karl, I'm proud of ya, that was--

Steve: He was getting really, quite annoyed!

Ricky: (Laughing) I know but. Why did he- what did he think he was doing?! What- (Laughs) I don't know what you tell these people. I mean, you don't get their permission to play this out, do ya?

Karl: Well--

Ricky: You just don't tell--

Karl: The thing is, right--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: I- yeah, I, sort of, told them what it was about but we won't say who he is or where he works cuz it doesn't matter. I just needed to speak to- to someone who knows--

Ricky: (Laughing) I love- I love the fact that you were tryin' to get an answer out of him by suggesting that he would be safe cuz he could look after jellyfish if he gave the okay to destroy snails.

Steve: (Laughing) He was getting livid! You could tell.

Ricky: Oh, God. Brilliant. "So, they've been around a long time but what have they done?" "Well..."

Steve: (Laughing) "What have they done?"

Ricky: That was great, Karl. Play a record. Well done.

Karl: Bit of, uh- bit of Aimee Mann?

Ricky: Aww, I'm obsessed with this song. "Red Vines". It's- it's brilliant.

Song: Aimee Mann - Red Vines


A Little Bit of Science

Ricky: I love that. Aimee Mann, "Red Vines". XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Um, you mentioned earlier when we had our, um, regular email from, uh, Dicky Anderson--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Randers, as I call him.

Ricky: Dandyson.

Steve Laughs

Steve: (Lauging) Yeah. He, uh- you mentioned that he- cuz we didn't get anything from him last week--

Ricky: No.

Steve: We didn't get anything from him last week. Anyway, uh, he's obviously listening, um, uhh, Rich, because he's emailed in to explain, uh, his absence. "Dear Ricky, Sorry for not tuning in last week only I was in, uh, HMV returning the 14 copies of 'The Office' I got for Christmas."

Ricky Cackles

Steve: That, uhh- that's from Randers. So, umm, he's e--

Ricky Laughs Harder

Steve: He's explained himself!

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: He's excused himself.

Ricky: Ohh, Anders. We should get him on one day.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, okay, Karl, "That's Rickydiculous". Three amazing scientific facts... one of which is spurious.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Okay?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay, one: um, girls can't throw because the part of their brain that allow men to throw properly - in a girl, is used up in emotion. Two: gravity isn't instantaneous, it works at the speed of light... the force of gravity. Three: statistically, you're more likely to be trampled by a donkey than die in a plane crash.

Pause

Karl: No. Even though the last one sounds daft I think I- I've read that... about the donkey thing.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Umm, so...

Ricky Coughs

Karl: Girls... f- what's the first one? They can--

Ricky: Girl- girls can't throw properly because the part of the brain that allow men to throw is used up in emotion in a woman.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Gravity isn't instantaneous, it- it works at the speed of light. So when you drop something it- the force kicks in at the speed of light.

Pause

Karl: What do you reckon, Steve?

Ricky: Well--

Steve: Well, it's not for me to say.

Karl: Is this a trick one where none of them are Rickydiculous? Or one of 'em's--

Ricky: No, one of 'em's--

Karl: One of them is?

Ricky: One- one of those three... one of those three is not true.

Karl: Right, well it's definitely not the donkey, right. So, ehh... I reckon the, uhh- the girl one, throwing stuff...

Ricky: Is Rickydiculous?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Correct.

Steve: Well done.

Ricky: Well done.

Steve: Very well done indeed.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Very well done indeed.

Ricky: That's two out of two he's got so far.

Karl: Well, there ya go.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I'll teach you some stuff now--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Right.

Steve: I've always- sorry- I've always been fascinated by the, uhh, donkey fact because it is an extraordinary fact that more people are killed, apparently, by donkeys--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Than they are by airplane crashes.

Ricky: Well, I suppose in countries where they are used--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And used a lot that, you know, they, umm- they go a bit mad and squash ya.

Steve: But- but my concern is that there's- when you go on a plane there's soo many checks, I mean, it takes them 40 minutes to get through all the checks - the air pressure, the cabin pressure, the fuel--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Checkin' the, you know, flights, the takeoff, all the rest of it. Our checks for donkeys--

Ricky: Nothing.

Steve: "Did someone close the gate?" "I think so."

Ricky: Exactly, yeah.

Steve: That's- that's our- that's our donkey checks.

Ricky: "Is he annoyed?" "Is he annoyed or not?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "You're not working him too hard, are ya?" "Yeah, yeah." He's got his hat on - "Is there two holes for the ears?" "Yes. Yes."

Steve: Well I think that's what's happening. I don't think it's accident. I think they're pickin' us off. I think--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They're so annoyed that a nickname for them is "ass"--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And they've got to wear the little hat, you know, they get- they've got to ride kid- you know, give kids rides on the beach and that. I think they're just, sort of, annoyed.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Maybe they're just, sort of, picking us off one by one.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Teaching us a lesson.

Ricky: There's not- if we had the same stringent checks--

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: On donkeys as we do on f- international flights--

Steve: Airlines.

Ricky: Maybe there'd be a little less death.

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly. Wise words.

Ricky: Cheers.

Steve: Wise, if slightly incoherent, words.

Ricky Laughs Boisterously

Ricky: Go on, Karl.

Karl: Got that, right. Umm, so, uhh--

Ricky Giggles Slightly

Karl: Umm, "A-cid I Would Sort You Out With Some Science"...

Steve Giggles

Ricky: Brilliant. I forgot the puns in mine, didn't I? I forgot the puns.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right, so, ummm, yeah- you asked to sorta be taught some science and that last week, after being taught about war--

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve Giggle

Karl: So, uhh, did some research and, umm--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: There's a few things, I think we'll just cover- cover one of them now.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uhhm, we've talked a lot about hairy kids.

Ricky and Steve Burst Into Laughter

Steve: We have discussed that a lot.

Ricky: I love the fact that Simon Schama has never started a program--

Steve: (Laughing) No.

Ricky: Like that. Uh, (Simon Schama Impression) "The- The Jacobites. We've talked a lot about hairy kids..."

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: It's- it's a little bit- I mean, it's not your traditional science stuff but--

Steve: Sure. Well let's review--

Karl: It's still interesting and it's still a bit, you know- it's still science.

Ricky: Yeah, we talked about hairy kids. We have- we have- disproportionally, honestly.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: I think this show's talked about hairy kids more than any other radio show.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well it's- it's one that--

Steve: Sorry, I noticed both of you, there dropped the "Haitch" or the "Aitch" or however it's pronounced--

Ricky: I-I had to because--

Steve: So "airy"--

Ricky: Hairy kids--

Steve: Actually means "hairy".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Hairy children, not, sort of--

Karl: Yeah, that's what--

Steve: "Airy", sort of, light-headed or...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, there was- there was the case of the, uhh, the one who lived in China.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, uhh--

Ricky: Which was weird for two reasons, wasn't it?

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Well, go on.

Karl: One was, like, he was covered in hair--

Steve: That's all really weird.

Karl: And the doctor, sort of... checked him over and said, "Well, yeah, he is hairy but he's quite healthy apart from- he had a little bit of eczema and a boil."

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That's- that's- that was the main bit of the story, wasn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, this one, right, we have sorta talked about it... and, uhh, you weren't having any of it at the time.

Ricky: What?

Karl: This- this next bit of science I'm telling you about.

Ricky: Go on, then.

Karl: Right. Ehhm, remember when I told you about a lad- he was living at home with his mam and dad, right, everything's- you know, normal life, go to school, that sort of thing.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Then, I think his mam and dad had an argument and it kicked off a bit and he thought, "I'm sick of this. It's happening all the time now". They kept having arguments, so the kid ran off into the woods.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Aww.

Steve: Yeh.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: God.

Karl: Now, he- he left, he went and ran in the woods and he ended up living with some monkeys.

Steve: Right.

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: Right? And he thought, "This isn't a bad life" - you know - "there's no arguments going on."

Steve: Sure.

Karl: He was gettin' on with 'em. Ehmm--

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: And the weird thing is--

Steve: He loved bananas.

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: This- this is where the science bit comes in...

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: He grew a load of hair on his body.

Ricky: That's not true! It's not true.

Karl: It is true.

Ricky: It's an acquired characteristic it's- it- it- it--

Ricky Coughs

Karl: I bet someone will back me up on this.

Ricky: But tha- no- no, you can't- you can't grow hair like that. You might get a little bit, uh, more downy, or they might- it- the erectile tissue might, you know- they won't fall out as much that would- you know. But, you don't actually grow a big mane--

Karl: Well--

Ricky: If you're cold and you're a human.

Karl: Well, he did. He did. This lad did. I know it sounds a bit strange and that but he- he was livin' with the monkeys, ehhm--

Ricky Sighs

Karl: And because it was cold, his body reacted to it--

Ricky: Listen, listen, he was no hairier than he would have been if he was walking around naked on a cold day with or without living with monkeys. It--

Steve: The fact that he was living with monkeys makes no difference.

Karl: No, I know but I'm trying to get- you know, picture it in your head what he's like.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Although Micky Dolenz was always pretty hairy.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Right. So, he was livin' with them and, uhhm, he went in to town or something one day.

Steve: Ooh, yeah.

Karl: To get some food.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: And the people there were like, "Hang on a minute! That isn't a monkey!"

Ricky Exhales Loudly

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Umm--

Ricky: Wha- he went in naked?

Steve Chuckles

Karl: No, he was there covered in hair.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, but naked. But covered in hair, so it was decent. It was- it was--

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they- that was the weird thing - they thought it was a monkey, in the shop. And then--

Ricky: So, presumably he had a big long beard as well because he couldn't shave, could he?

Karl: No, no, no. Just covered. He looked like a monkey.

Steve: And they were happy to serve the monkey, were they? (Laughing) "There's a monkey, he's buying a newspaper and some milk."

Ricky: How did he walk? How did he walk? How did he walk, Karl? Did he walk, sort of, slight- upright or whistling along just hair--

Karl: The pic- the picture that I saw on the internet, he was on all fours but--

Ricky: Of course he was. Of course he was.

Karl: I don't know if that's when he was running away after he- they- they'd, sort of, s- you know, realized he was a kid. But this was a picture--

Ricky: So he was a kid as well? He wasn't even, like, an adult with the beard?

Karl: No, he was a kid.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Brilliant. The beard kicked in a little bit early for--

Karl: And the people went- so, listen--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So, the people caught him--

Ricky: You're an idiot.

Karl: The people caught him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Shaved him... All right? Got it all off. Didn't grow back again.

Steve: Right.

Karl: It just- it grew--

Ricky: You're an idiot.

Karl: Well, like I say, people will have heard this story or read about it--

Ricky: You're an idiot.

Karl: And they'll email in. They don't let me down.

Steve: And they'll agree that you're an idiot.

Karl: And the- no, no, they'll- they'll have seen the story.

Ricky: You're an idiot.

Karl: So that's a little bit of science.

Silence

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: You're an idiot.

Song: Libertines - Time for Heroes


Another Barnstorming Feature

Ricky: Libertines, "Time For Heroes" on XFM 104.9. Right, okay, so have you got anything that is science as opposed to nonsense?

Karl: Well, uhhm...

Ricky: Kid went off with some monkeys, grew hair--

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Came back, shaved him, it didn't grow back. I mean, just think. Right, something else.

Karl: Ehhm, there's a few things I found--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Ehhm, there was a fella--

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Ehh, who had hiccups for 69 years.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: I thought that was a bit annoying.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Karl: Ehhm...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: There was the dog with the wig that we've discussed.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Uhhh--

Steve: Imagine if you've just tuned in.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "There's the dog with the wig that we've already discussed."

Karl: Uhhh--

Ricky: Did we discuss that?

Steve: Not really.

Ricky: Did I not tell you what he said? I did, didn't I? Yeah.

Steve: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh, what else have I got? Well, there's something here that you sort of know...

Ricky: Is this going out live at the moment?

Karl: Yeah, this is happenin', right.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: But, remember when you talked about, uhhm, sponges?

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: If you get a red sponge and a blue sponge--

Ricky: You liquidize them, pour the muck into a tank, after a few hours the- they know which was which and they- they reform as a red sponge and a- and a blue sponge.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I thought that was weird when you told me--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Looked it up, did a bit of research--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Thought that's sort of sciencey.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Ehhm, you can do the same thing with a mouse's brain.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: (Laughing) Okay. Explain a bit more?

Ricky: No, you can't.

Karl: Uh, if- if you get a dead mouse--

Steve: Yup.

Karl: Uhhm , put its brain into a blender... you know, blend it up, umm, leave it standin' for a bit--

Ricky: Making that up, aren't ya? You get- you're confusing this- you watched Nigella Lawson make some sort of pudding.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: No. No--

Ricky: What do you mean- what- i- i- right, i- right, it won't work with a brain.

Karl: Well, it- it does with a m- I mean, not- not with a human brain. Don't be tryin' that. But--

Ricky: Al- although--

Karl: No, a mouse- a mouse one.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl: A mouse one.

Ricky: And what happens?

Karl: It sort of reforms... Goes back together again... No it- s- you know...

Pause

Karl: Cuz apparently it's made up of the same stuff as--

Ricky: But it doesn't, does it? Cuz if it's dead- if it's a- if it's a dead brain, the cells can't act anyway. The fact about the sponge is that it doesn't kill the cells, it liquidizes them, it doesn't kill the cells.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: So it couldn't be a dead brain anyway. It would have to be a live brain taken out from a live mouse for the cells to be getting oxygen and working and- and being sensitive to each other. And that- I don't see how that could work like it does in sponges.

Karl: Mm.

Steve Laughs

Karl: I mean, I- d- do you know what I mean?

Steve: You're not a scientist. Sure.

Karl: I just, sort of, read it and gone, "Oh, that's- that's interesting. I'll tell Ricky and Steve about it."

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. You're not querying it.

Karl: You're quizzin' me as if I've come up with it.

Steve: No.

Karl: It's- someone else has done it--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And said it works.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: So, I'm not- I'm not--

Ricky: Do you think ghosts are behind it or do you think there's a scientific explanation for it?

Karl: No, it's just a- it's just one of them weird things, innit?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: So, that's- that's- your, sort of, science covered for this week.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Well that was another barnstorming feature from Karl Pilkington.

Ricky Howls With Laughter

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Is that it? Is that the two things you got this week?

Steve: Thanks much for that.

Karl: Well, yeah that- I mean, there's.... they're- they're the ones--

Ricky: There's nothing behind them, do you know what I mean by this? There's not a- there's not, like, a weight of intellect behind these facts. It's--

Steve: Why don't you make that your science project this week? Find a dead mouse somewhere, Karl, and a blender--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: And bring that in next week, we'll do it live on air, see what happens.

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Do you feel, sort of, let down a little bit sometimes with our reactions?

Karl: Well, I--

Steve: What are you expecting us to do? What- are you expecting us to just, like, look at you open-mouthed, staring at you in awe?

Pause

Karl: Just, like, "Awww! God, where did you find that out?" and like--

Steve: Yeah, but we do ask. You never tell us!

Ricky: We know! We know! We know where you found that out. You looked on an internet. And a strange homemade website by a maniac... somewhere...

Karl Sighs

Ricky: Uhh, who puts on stupid things that he heard through Chinese whispers. It's- that's where you get your information from. I- I doubt that anything you ever come up with is- is verified. If it is, it's luck.

Karl: But what- what do you expect me to do for ya? Do you know what I mean? I'm- I'm just--

Steve: You know what, I'd like to know what the source of the information is. I'd like it to be, you know, a research study by the University of Columbia rather than, (Laughing) you know, a guy who calls himself "Mr. Pickles".

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve: On a website somewhere--

Ricky Continues Laughing

Steve: ww.lunatics.com--

Ricky: (Laughing) I mean--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Ooh, God.

Steve: Something- some kind of evidence, do you know what I mean?

Ricky: I- I must warn you now, you know that Steven Spielberg thing's coming - "Taken"? Yeah? About alien abduction. When you watch it, just remember this: it's not a documentary. Okay?

Steve: All right?

Ricky: All right?

Radiohead - Black Star Begins To Play

Steve: And, you remember "E.T"?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We were discussing that earlier. You know that's not fact?

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Factual fact.

Song: Radiohead - Black Star


A Head and Body on a Skateboard

Ricky: Brilliant. "Black Star" - Radiohead, from "The Bends", on XFM 104.9.

Steve: Rick, John has emailed in--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It looks here like he's maybe trolled the web himself. I mean, I don't know if people just immediately leap onto the web every time Karl says something in- in- in his defense.

Ricky: I think our listeners are always on the web.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah. Umm, anyway, he seems like he's reprinted here a news story which seems to confirm Karl's "Monkey Boy" story--

Ricky: Yeah, what is the news story?

Steve: "Doctors Baffled by Boy, 6, Covered in Ape-Like Hair. Doctors in Kazakhstan are baffled after finding a 6 year old boy covered in ape-like hair--"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The boy, called Albai, was found in a remote mountain village close to the Chinese border. He's covered in thick hair from head to toe and has an oval-shaped skull. Doctors suspect nuclear radiation or a genetic disorder may be responsible."

Ricky: Fine.

Steve: Ehm, but there's an interesting bit here--

Ricky: Ye- but sorry, it's not that you can have genetic defects. I've seen lots of people born with, uhm, long noses - 5 feet, etc. I'm saying--

Steve: You've been to Bristol?

Ricky: That he wasn't normal- (Giggles Slightly) he w- he wasn't normal and then went to live, um, monkeys and grew the hair--

Steve: (Laughing) Well, that's true.

Ricky: That's my point!

Steve: But it says his mother and father are distant relatives. "Such marriages are common in the Kazakhstan mountain hamlets." Now, uh, the village elders were consulted as to what to do with him, right. And these are the village elders, these are the- these are the wise men of the village, this is the people presumably that all year long are telling the- the village how to live, how to survive, what to do--

Ricky: Yeah. You're in charge because you've lived long enough.

Steve: You're- yeah, exactly. You're presumably solving any kind of moral conundrums--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Any, sort of, awkward things. Do you know what they suggested that they do with their hairy son?

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Send him to the circus.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Karl's nodding.

Steve: Put him in the circus. That was what they suggested and the mother actually wanted him to go to school. Umm--

Ricky: Instead of the circus.

Steve: Instead of the circus.

Ricky: "I don't know - school or circus? We don't know what's better for him."

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: "I'm not sure."

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "We must consult the elders."

Ricky: What do you think, Karl?

Karl: Uhhh, it's not a bad life, is it?

Steve Laughs

Steve: (Laughing) What, the circus?

Karl: Yeah. Kids will love it.

Steve: Well, you ran away from it.

Karl: Kids will love it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But remember that thing that I saw about that fella who, uh- I don't know if I should talk about it, really, it's a bit...

Ricky: Go on. Tell us, now... You hooked me. Come on.

Karl Sighs

Ricky: You can say it. It's okay. What, are you worried that this might be insulting to someone?

Karl: Welll, it's not- it's not nice but it--

Ricky: Well you're not taking the mickey out of it--

Karl: Making the most out of it--

Ricky: You're telling us- go on.

Karl: It's just it was in that book, again, that you got me. You know the book full of weird people?

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: And- and things that are wrong with them and hairy people and--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Like with three legs and that. There's a fella--

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Uhh, basically just a head and, uhh--

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: And a little body... on a skateboard.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Picture of him having a shave--

Steve Laughs

Karl: And he was shavin' with his- with his mouth bit. Like that.

Steve: With his tongue?

Ricky: "Like that" on the radio.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Just like that.

Ricky: Karl is now doing an impression of a man shaving with his mouth.

Steve: Yeah. Well, it's just a head, bear in mind. He's doing an impre- imagine a head--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: On a very tiny body on a skateboard, shaving with his tongue. That's what Karl was doing.

Ricky: Ahhh, and he was depressed cuz he kept getting hats for Christmas.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: But- but if you were him, you would just grow a beard, wouldn't you? Rather than--

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve: Why?

Ricky: Oooh, God.

Karl: Well, rather than go through all that hassle.

Steve: But he'd get it caught in the wheels of his skateboard.

Ricky Laughs

XFM


Second Cleverest in a Troop of Monkeys

Song: The Clash - Rocking the Casbah

Ricky: Clash, "Rock the Casbah" on XFM 104.9. Nearly it. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: So, the answers to this week's "Rockbusters"...

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. We had, uhh--

Steve: Wanna give us the clues again and the answers.

Karl: Yeah. Uh, the first one was, uhmm, "Don't argue with him, he ain't gonna change his mind", the initials there were A.A. That's Adam Ant. Adamant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: All right?

Steve: Not bad. Not bad.

Ricky: That's good. That's good.

Karl: So, that's a good one. Uh, second one: "He always gets what he wants and doesn't worry about anyone else." Uh, that was P. Uh, that was Pixies. All right?

Ricky Giggles

Steve: "Picks his", "Picks his". It kind of works.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky Continues To Giggle

Karl: And the, uh, third one: "I'll have to--"

Ricky: All right, I'll let you have that one.

Karl: "I'll have to, uh- I'll have to put that woman in an oven." That was A.B. That was Anita Baker.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Anita Baker.

Steve: (Laughing) It's good.

Ricky: A-ni-ta Baker.

Karl: Anita Baker.

Ricky: Yeah, I'll let you have all three, today.

Karl: So, uhh--

Ricky: You've done well.

Karl: So, do you want to pick a winner, Steve?

Steve: "Well done" to Mark Letter from Bow. He wins those fairly mediocre prizes.

Ricky Laughs

Steve Laughs

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Enjoy them.

Ricky: Oooh, brilliant.

Steve: Oh, well we've had a few laughs, a few tears today.

Ricky: A few laughs, a few tears, a few scientific breakthroughs.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly. Uh--

Ricky: Gotta get a picture of Karl somewhere in the national press - just his little round head there.

Steve: Had an email here: "Karl is trying to distract attention from the fact that he is a monkey raised among humans and horses and has failed to develop hair."

Ricky: It's- I- I- I can just imagine him--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Bein' the second cleverest in a troop of monkeys.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: (Laughing) "Second cleverest".

Ricky: (Laughing) Do you know what I mean? So, uh, it- it--

Steve: Picking fleas out of their hair...

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Ahh, look at his little face. I'll tell you what- "Heat" - I'm gonna get y- I'm gonna get a picture of you, just put it in the radio section of "Heat". Just, "This is what Karl looks like."

Steve: Oh, another email - someone said, umm, when the monkey boy went to the shops, he was naked, where did he keep his money?

Pause

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Good point. Didn't happen, then.

Steve: Right. Well--

Ricky Laughs Boisterously

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: So, that's that. We didn't even do all the- all the--

Ricky: What do you mean?!

Karl: We didn't get- we didn't get around to "Ricktual".

Ricky: Aw, come on, give us "Ricktual"!

Karl: No, we haven't really- we haven't really got time.

Ricky: We have. Quickly! Quickly!

Karl: No, but it's--

Ricky: We have got time! Just do it!

Pause

Ricky: Why haven't we got time? It's ten to.

Karl: Right, well we've got a long track to finish on.

Ricky: Well, just do it.

Karl: It's... the--

Ricky: Do it!

Karl: Are you familiar with a place called, uh...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Easter Island.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah. Do you know what they do out there?

Ricky: Uh, eat eggs. I don't know. Go on.

Karl: Well, that's close.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: All right. What they do, right, is, uhh- there's a load of people living on an island--

Ricky: Yeah. Easter Island?

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl: And to find out who's going to be running the place--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: They, uhm--

Steve: They don't hold elections, do they?

Karl: They have these- well, these have these birds that lay, like, expensive eggs on a- on an island--

Ricky: (Laughing) "Expensive eggs"!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) "They lay expensive eggs."

Steve: Faberge eggs.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. Go on.

Karl: On this island--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh--

Ricky: Easter Island?

Karl: Once a year- once a year- no, o- off- off it, like--

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: About two miles out, right--

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Karl: And--

Ricky: Whitsun Island.

Karl: And they see- they see--

Steve: Yeah, Shrove Tuesday Island.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Pancake Island--

Karl: We've run out of time now.

Ricky: JUST TELL US!

Karl: No.

Ricky: Look- look- no.

Joni Mitchell - Blue Motel Room Begins To Play

Karl: Steve, we'll play your song--

Ricky: No! Tell us! Right, finish it now.

Karl: Next week. Next week.

Ricky: No- you- don't you dare or I- I'm gonna smack--

Karl: See ya later.

Steve: Joni Mitchell--

Ricky: You fff--

Steve: "Blue Motel Room" from the album "Hejira"--

Ricky: Awww, God.

Steve: It's the "Song for the Ladies" this week. Thanks for listening. Next week we'll be- are we still on?

Song: Joni Mitchell - Blue Motel Room

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