12 October 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 12 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Contents

A Lung Feeling

Song: Someday by The Strokes

Ricky: Strokes, er, "Someday", I'm already annoyed!

Steve: I'm in a- I'm in a bad mood

Ricky: I've been here three minutes and I'm already annoyed.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: Bring back Claire, I tell you.

Ricky: No, it's not his fault-

Steve: It is.

Ricky: -it's the whole place. The library's sh-shite, I tried to ge-- Oh God. I had to g-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: I had to go to Capital library, er, oh-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: Fancy that, I had to go to Capital library to get a couple of records I wanted, right? Place is falling apart, the email's not working, it's so shoddy. He's had two weeks off. "Ooh, I'm on holiday." I mean, they, really, they might as well bulldoze this, honestly. 'Cause for all the- you know.

Steve: It is ludicrous.

Ricky: And, we get paid... peanuts.

Steve: You get paid, do you?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ah, and it really annoys me that you have to fight t- ah, anyway.

Steve: Anyway, just calm down-

Ricky: XFM 104.9-

Steve: -explain who we are.

Ricky: -I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you're back.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: How was it?

Karl: What, the holiday?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it wasn't all fun was it, because me dad was in, er, was in hospital.

Ricky: Oh, but he wasn't-

Steve: He wasn't during the holiday.

Ricky: -not during the holiday though, was he? You came back from holiday and then found that out, didn't you?

Karl: Yeah, but it happened when I was on holiday.

Ricky: Did you know that though, When you were on holiday?

Karl: No, 'cos I didn't take me phone with me.

Steve: Well, that's our question-

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Karl: But the weird thing is, I got- I got a feeling. When I was sat there. 'Cos it normally happens-

Ricky: It wasn't the nudist beach was it?

Karl: -when I first went away to-

Ricky: When you saw that old fella with his packet out?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -when I went to Ibiza, right. I, er, I had a feeling, and I called home and me dad had punctured a lung.

Steve: When you say you had a feeling, what do you mean, a feeling?

Karl: Just like "Oh, I should call home, there's something not right."

Steve: Mmm. That's a very specific feeling, how did that ma-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -how did that manifest itself?

Ricky: Hold on-

Steve: How does that- how do you get that? What kind of feeling is that-

Ricky: Was it- was it- "Oh God, I'm getting-

Steve: -is that a tingling thing?

Ricky: -I'm getting a bit of a lung feeling.

Steve: Yeah, mmm.

Ricky: A bit of a dad lung feeling

Steve: That feels like- that feels like a punctured lung, mmm.

Ricky: Hold on-

Karl: But anyway...

Ricky: No, but anyway, holiday was good. We talked about it last... week anyway.

Steve: Let's- let's probe Karl about his holiday later-

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: -'cos, you know, that's the sort of thing that audiences will stay tuned for Rick, I'm pretty certain.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Yeah, sure, sure-

Steve: Find out more about-

Ricky: You know more about this radio business than me-

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: -you know, you've hooked them already.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Indeed, yeah.

Ricky: Erm-

Steve: Well, also I'm thinking, we've got nothing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ever, now.

Steve: So- we may aswell save that.

Ricky: No, I resent it. I used to put a lot of work in, but now, I, you know, I think of the money, which is, you know, for me, pretty shoddy.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Well, yeah-

Ricky: You know what I mean? I don't usually get out of bed for-

Steve: -you make an awful lot of cash.

Ricky: Well exactly, yeah. And er, you know, and the whole thing, the whole setup... It was raining today, I thought, "I should have a cab in."

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: You know, and then the sun came out so I walked in again.

Steve: Mmm.

Steve laughs

Ricky sighs

Ricky: ...dear...

Steve: How are ya?

Ricky: But, erm, I'll tell you what, I got a bit criticised last week as well, that I- I only played ballads and same songs, so I'm gonna- I'm gonna rock out this week.

Steve: Ah, I'm loving it.

Ricky: I've been down to the Capital library-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: -to get some good tunes, and er, what about a little bit of AC/DC?

Steve: Ahhhh.

Ricky: "You shook me all night long."

Steve: Let's hear it.

Song: AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long


Basic Holiday Criteria

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What-

Karl: -it'll be a good holiday. If you get a hotel, right, the weather's always good. So your- so- so you'll have a nice time.

Ricky: Yeah, there was a comma, yeah.

Steve: I see.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on.

Karl: Erm, and all that, and the food was alright. And err, and everything was going alright, I was just having a nice, relaxing... time.

Steve: And how do you sort of spend your time on a holiday? You just lie around? Is that-

Karl: That sort of holiday just lying around, I- I bought a book.

Steve: You bought a book?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, ghosts?

Karl: No, it was- it was short stories, right-

Steve: About ghosts?

Karl: No, it was about, like, err, like, special days in our time, and time before me.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: And it was like, err, it was telling you about how in, I think it was 1814, the Thames frozen up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And all these stories are told by eye- eye witnesses.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right, so there was some fella who was around in 1814, and, err, the Thames was frozen, and people used to, err, put market stalls on there-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -and they'd do their shopping, and it was like- it was like an Oxford Street.

Ricky: Was that Mad Liar Charlie?

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, 'cos he's famous for that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I'm sure, you know-

Ricky: Yeah, I think that was Mad Liar Charlie.

Karl: Right, so I was reading that and then after a couple of days I was a bit like "Oh..."

Steve: Boring.

Karl: Yeah, you can do- you can only do sort of so much lying around.

Steve: And so much reading.

Karl: So, err, Suzanne said "Well, let's go on the beach, have a walk."

Steve: You hadn't gone on the beach?

Ricky: Where had to been up to this point then? In the- In your room?

Karl: No, just like, around the pool, just- just relaxing-

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Sure, yeah.

Karl: -and having a swim and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, so she said "Well, let's go on the beach." and I said "Oh, alright then, yeah." So, err, wandered down to the beach, and, err, first impressions are "Yeah, it's alright. It's clean."

Steve laughs

Karl: Err "Sea look good."

Steve: Your criteria is so basic, it's brilliant.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Hotel, yes, roof, good, food, adequate, beach, clean. Next."

Karl: So, I'm walking along, and everything's good and, err, you know, there's a woman, err, feeding fish bread, which I thought "Well, that's different."

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Ricky: Oh, wh-

More laughing

Ricky: I love that. He likes originality. He loves a bit of originality.

Steve: She was feeding fish bread?!

Karl: This woman was there, like up to her- up to her knees in water-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she was stood there-

Ricky: Was that the sea?

Karl: -chucking- yeah- ch-chucking this bread and I thought "What's she doing?" and I stood there and watched for a minute-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and there was little fish coming up, having the bread. I thought "Ah."

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we c- we carried on walking, and err, everything's going well, and then this fella comes towards me-

Steve: "Everything's going well."

Ricky: I know, yeah. "Yeah, that's original."

Steve: "I haven't fallen over."

Ricky: "Clean- clean, feeding bread, ah, two points for originality. Yeah, yeah."

Steve: "It's going well, it's going well."

Karl: Fella comes walking towards me-

Steve: Oi oi.

Karl: -he's only got no pants on.

Steve: Ohh.

Karl: So I said "Suzanne, what's going on?"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why does he turn to her? Like she knows more.

Karl: So she said- so she said "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's err..." She said "Yeah, it's a nudist beach."

Ricky: Is this going to be a long story, cos could- could you pour that coffee? Could you give me that coffee over?

Steve: Erm.

Ricky: Sorry- sorry, this is really bad. Ugh, yeah, cos he's pour- thank you.

Steve: Just amuse yourselves, while we-

Ricky: Thank you very much.

Steve: -sort the coffee.

Karl: Steve- Steve, do you want-

Steve: I'll have a cup of coffee Karl, thanks, yeah, cheers.

Ricky sips his cup of coffee

Ricky: Ugh. Cold. Right, good, okay.

Karl: So-

Steve: Great. Thank you.

Karl: So, she said "Yeah, it's a, err- it's a nudist beach." So I said "Well, why- wha-" I said "We're all mixed- mix- it's all mixed up." Normally on a nudist beach- it's a nudist beach innit, you don't go wandering on there when you've got your clothes on an' that.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So, it annoyed me a bit, cos there wasn't any signs. So this fella is getting closer-

Ricky: Well the knob out was a sign.

Karl: Yeah. Right, so he's getting closer, and he walked past me, it was an old fella, err, and he walked past and he had a hat on and, err, and a little pipe-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and a big rucksack on his back. Right, so it got me think-

Ricky: So not strictly naked.

Karl: -I'm walking along and I'm thinking 'Right, why do people wanna do this?'. So straight away he was- I wasn't on holiday anymore, cos most of the time when i'm on holiday I don't think about anything.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right, I just-

Steve: You're minds ablank.

Karl: -I just switch off.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right. But all- all of a sudden this- this has got in me head now, and I've turned round to- to look at him, and-

Steve: Check out his arse.

Ricky bursts into more laughters

Karl: -and the bag- and this bag, right, I swear, it was-

Ricky: (???) Ballsack.

Karl: -it was MASSIVE, right.

Ricky: What?

Steve: He had a massive bag.

Karl: The- the bag- the-

Karl almost laughs

Steve: His rucksack.

Karl: His rucksack.

Ricky: Oh right, okay.

Karl: So-

Karl giggles quietly

Ricky: When I said- he said there's an old couple coming towards me, I said "What was lower, the bloke's testicles or the woman's tits?" and he said "That was another point, she might as well have wore knickers."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Cos it's so low- he could see- that's what he said, to me.

Steve: So you saw the bag...

Karl: So it annoyed me, yeah, because the whole idea innit- ah- this is what I think- I mean I might be wrong, right-

Ricky holds back laughter

Steve: Chances are-

Ricky: You never have been.

Steve: -quite strong.

Ricky: You never have been before.

Karl: Being nudist, right, what's it all about?

Ricky and Steve hold back more laughter

Steve: Tell you what, on that- on that.. point, Karl, let's play a tune- let's come back, and we'll discuss-

Ricky: What are we gonna play?

Steve: -we'll discuss that very issue. We have- we've got some ideas, we did chat about this last week, Karl, in your absence.

Karl: Alright. Well, we'll play the Coral...

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It's a good one this.

Song: The Coral - Dreaming Of You


I'm Not One for Getting Me Kit Off

End of Dreaming of You by The Coral is playing

Ricky: Coral. Dreaming of You.

Dreaming of You by Coral ends

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: If you've just joined us, Karl is walking down the beach

Ricky: yeah

Steve: And, a man has just passed him. With his nob out

Ricky: Yeah with him testicles out and his-his uh, huge, huge bag. Apparently.

Karl: Right

Ricky: Now, we're gonna, we'll sum this up. You know, quick because we didn't talk about it last week, you know you did- you did call me and tell me some of these things and we- we sort of uh, mentioned it last week but, uh, you just wanna say your th-just give us your thoughts on nudity.

Karl: well, what I don't understand is right. Nudity, I thought it was all about...you know, sort of being free.

Ricky: yeah

Karl: ..Natural, letting the breeze, you know, blow around you an' that.. tha-that's the only thing I can think is-of-of like the bonus of doing it

Steve grunts in understanding

Karl: But. You can get that, by just having a pair of shorts on, alright? Coz, I-I'm not one for gettin me kit off. It's just something, a bit weird about it, innit normally, if I go for a walk on the beach, I'll...I'll put a shirt on

Ricky: sure

Karl: but leave it unbottoned

Ricky: Yeah

Ricky makes some sarcastic impressed sounds

Steve: Tease the ladies, sure.

Karl: D'you know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: But...it just feels a bit weird

Ricky grunts in agreement

Karl: So it's best to cover your back anyway coz the sun..

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: and all that.

Steve: Good advice, yeah

Karl: ...But when I saw him, and I thought "well, right. Is he doin it to sort of, be free and be confy and all that" and then, I though, "But he's carrying a big bag.

Ricky and Steve: alright

Karl: I've got a pair of shorts on and I'm not looking at him thinking "(gasps and exhales)I bet he's really comfy"

Ricky quietly giggles trying to suppress laughter

Karl: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: yeah

Karl: I wasn't going "I can't wait to get home and get me shorts off they-"

Ricky and Steve laugh. Ricky still laughing calmly

Karl: "They're really annoying me, these

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve chuckles briefly while Ricky continues to laugh

Ricky still laughing

Karl: So,

Ricky continues to laugh but appears to be trying to stop

Karl: an that-that's just it. I don't get, what it's all about

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Sure, sure

Steve: Yeah (as ricky's is saying his second sure

Ricky: Well um, okay. Well uh m-my advice is d-don't gon't don't go to nudist beaches again

Karl: Well I didn't, I didn't go again s-

Ricky: Do you play-do you play volleyball?

Karl: ...nope

Ricky: well y- there nu- there's nothing for you to be honest, Karl

Steve: Do you ever walk around the house nude?

Karl: ...not ril-only if like, it's quickly to sort of jump out of bed and go an' get a glass of orange. but I've gotta be-

Steve lets out a small laugh

Karl: -careful coz livin' on a high street, there's flats right across the way lookin in.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And the thing is it's always-

Ricky: there's a little, Chinese fella

Steve: There's a little chinese fella

Karl: exactly

Ricky: and wh-what's the other one? the wu-one- is he the one-?

Karl: There's the old woman reading a book,

Ricky: Yeah. Who could be dead for all we know

Karl: yeah, uhmm-

Ricky: who doesn't move

Karl: there's some bouncers and uh-

Ricky: "Some bouncers"?

Karl: I think so

Steve lets out a single chuckle

Karl: yeah

Steve: (chuckling)is that a euphemism?

we know Ricky is going to burst out laughing by the sound he makes

Karl: They're always-

Ricky bursts out laughing

Karl: (over Ricky laughing) There's always uh-

Steve: (over Ricky's laughing) her name's Carrol

Ricky is still laughing

Steve chuckles quietly and calmly, very faintly under Ricky's laugh

Karl: But uh-yeah, the only time, if I nip out, sort of get out of bed at night, go and get an orange and I've still gotta be careful cuz if they're awake and I open the fridge door-

Steve: ohh, but you're illuminated yeah

Karl: and the light comes on-

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: the-they'll sort of see the light-

Ricky: And the shadow.

Karl: -turn round-

Ricky: And the shadow. and the weird, long, stretchy shadow

Steve: mm, yeah

Karl: yeah

Ricky: wh-wh-why do you get-wh-you get up and go orange juice or orange squash?

Karl: ...you know, Robinson's

Ricky: (laughing)you can't advertise on-

Steve: Why don't you take a glass of that to bed with, why you getting up?

Ricky: yeah

Karl: cuz, uh, whenever I do that, I normally don't wake up and it's a waste innit?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: The man is a genius, inee? look, well, continuing are-are-are-are rockin out thing-

Steve: Yeah, we're in a "rock" mood

Ricky: Well, I think this sums up "rock n' roll", doesn't it?

Steve: ...It's not called "Rock an' Roll", is it?

Ricky grunts/laughs

Steve: Textbook

Rock N' Roll by Led Zeppelin is played


Karl's New Ideas

Ricky: Coldplay - The Scientist. That's about you, Karl? What happened there, all that rubbish pressing the wrong thing going out-

Karl: That- I don't wanna go ther- I sorted it now. Doesn't matter.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Calm down, you're not focused, Karl. That's what concerns me. Your mind's on other things.

Karl: I'm alright now, --

Steve: You are-

Karl: I'm ready to go. Yeah.

Steve: -sure?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: This is so- aww...I just-

Karl: I tell you what, right, how focused I am-

Ricky: What?

Karl: Got some new ideas for you.

Ricky: Go on then!

Steve: They've all been blinders in the past.

Ricky: Go on!

Karl: Did you do any competitions when I was away?

Ricky: Uhh- did we? I think we did, didn't we? Did we give away a DVD?

Steve: (surprised)Did we?

Ricky: Yeah, we did- go on, yeah?

Karl: Right.

Ricky: --

Karl: Yeah, I thought of some-

Ricky: This isn't like radio, is it, like we know it. This is just people talking.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: If the mic's on, it's luck!

Steve laughs.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: If anyone's listening- I, you know, have no idea what they think of this show.

Steve: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Ricky: It's not a show!

Steve: Not in the traditional sense.

Ricky: No! Okay then, you're gonna change all that, Karl?

Steve: Cause a show suggests a certain form of presentation-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -a certain pride-

Ricky: -and when we do present it-

Steve: -and dare I say: some plannling.

Ricky: Yeah. And when we do, it's ruined by him pressing the wrong buttons.

Karl: But I've got some planning 'ere.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: ?Cause he is?

Karl: Uhh- what I did was, when I was on holiday-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -right? I- you said: Come up with a new idea, right?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: So the best way of coming up with an idea is, sort of,-

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Thinkin'!

Karl: -sort of nicking a TV show name, and then twistin' it abit.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So-

Ricky: Or just read off Simon Matto- Simon Mayo's idea completely.

Karl: Alright-

Steve: Good advice for anyone out there.

Karl: -I did-

Ricky laughing

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Steve: -interested in ideas.

Ricky: ?Karl is presently running a course, writing for TV.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -and that's lesson one, isn't it?

Steve: That's lesson one.

Ricky: -rip summat else off-

Steve: -just doing it, and change the title slightly.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Karl: This one I haven't really got a- I don't know what to do on the game, but I'm thinking-

Both snigger.

Karl: -Strike it Ricky?

Steve howling

Steve: That's all you got?

Karl: That's-

Steve: That's all you've come up with?

Karl: -follow that through-

Steve: -how long did that take?

Ricky: What is that?

Karl: I just thought it sounded a bit like: Lucky.

Steve howls.

Karl: Forget that one then!

Ricky: Forget that, yeah. Okay, no, don't, no, no. We all- we - not even Spielberg- not all his films, you know, could hit the- go on!

Steve laughing throughout.

Karl: Right...

Ricky: (intense)Yeah, is good. Go on.

Karl: D'ya remember Big Brother?

Ricky: Yeah. Do I remember Big Brother!? No, go on!

Karl: Big Mother, right? You call in, if your mum's heavy, you win a CD.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (Laughing)Ka-a-arl. What d'you mean? How can you- how can you prove that?

Karl: Alright. Forget that.

Both still laughing. Ricky bursts out anew.

Karl: Right, ay 'ere.

Ricky: (imitating)Ay ere! Good one. You got-

Karl: No. --

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: The Price is Right, remember that?

Both: Yeah.

Karl: Right-

Steve: The Price is Ricky?

Karl: No. The Rice is Right, and what I'd do. I read from an Indian menu and a Chinese menu, you tell me whether you have pilau or egg-fried.

Ricky bursts.

Ricky: He's a genius, in't he? He really is a modern-

Steve: I don't understand that one.

Ricky: -let. Go on, then. Go into the- Let's go into this one. Let's not cross this one off right away. Go on, what d- you read from what?

Karl: Well, I've got- I get a couple of menus from like an Indian and a Chinese take-away.

Both: Yeah.

Karl: -and I'll go, like, right...uuh: Chicken Korma.

Ricky: Well, could I just suggest that as it's an Indian it will be pilau, and anything you read out that, is-

Karl: Yeah, but you don't know which one I'm reading from.

Ricky: (angry)Whatthen chicken korma is Indian, isn't is?

Karl: Yeah, so you go pilau.

Steve chuckles

Karl: but then.--

Ricky: But then you might as well say Indian or Chinese!

Karl: No, because then the name wouldn't work. The Rice is Right.

Ricky: Oh, okay, I forgot you're working with the titles backwards, aren't you. Okay, yeah.

Steve: I'm so confused-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -I don't know where I am or what- what day it is.

Karl: A programme that they're binning on Channel Four, right-

Ricky: Could you cross that out, we're not doing The Rice is Right.

Steve: I don't understand The Rice is Right.

Ricky: No. Go on.

Karl: I tell you that later, we'll have a game in the office, right?

sniggering

Karl: A game that they're binning on Channel Four, but has got really big viewing figures-

Ricky: Well, obviously not, or they-

Karl: --

Ricky: -wouldn't be binning it. Go on.

Karl: Do you know 15 to 1?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: They're getting rid of that, right.

Ricky: Are they?

Karl: I'm thinking: 15 Taiwan.

Steve laughs.

Karl: Get some items that are made in Taiwan, right? Get 15 items and you- I say what they are, and then you go: Ooh, I bet it's the vase...or something.

Ricky: That's the one that's made in Taiwan?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: (laughing)Just explain that again very quickly.

Ricky: (laughing)No, don't, Karl! Cross it out.

Karl: Oh, right. Forget that-

Ricky: Cross it out. 15 Taiwan.

Steve chuckles

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: This is the one that I've prepared for, cause I think this-

Steve: ---

Karl: -isn't daft, this is good.

Steve: Let's play a tune, and then hear it after that.

Ricky: (laughing)Oh, God.

Karl: Are you sure?

Steve: I'm very excited.

Karl: Are we gonna play it after that or are we gonna say-

Steve: No, you're gonna explain.

Ricky: (unclear)

Music starts playing.

Steve: Ho-hooo!

Song: The Rolling Stones - Waiting on a Friend


This Young Man Prepared For His Death

Waiting on a Friend by The Rolling Stones begins to fade out

Ricky: Good to hear that again, innit Steve?

Steve: ahh fantastic

Ricky: Waiting on a Friend by the Rolling Stones. Yeah? Go on then Karl,

Waiting on a Friend by The Rolling Stones ends

Ricky: on Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington, go on

Karl: Right. This one, euhhm, 'member Blockbusters?

Steve: uh-hu

Karl: Right. This one, this one is good and we'll do this one. ehhh, Rockbosters. And remember how Bob Holnes, used to give you a letter?

Ricky: yeah

Ricky can be heard chuckling softly at what Karl says next

Karl: And uh, ehhm he'd give you a question and the answer

Karl: to that question is that letter.

Steve says "yes" as Ricky says "yeah"

Karl: Right, well it works like that, so if I said to you, euhmm... yeah we'll test it out on you Steve right. Euhhm,...Right, welcome to the show an' that

Steve: Hello

Karl: uhhm, let's-let's play. Right. An' I say "Right, your first one is 'W'

Steve: m-hm

Karl: ...euhhm, and the cryptic clue, 'cuz it's done like croswords

Steve: ok

Karl: euhhm-

Steve: So not quite like Blockbusters

Karl: well...(brushing Steve's comment off)

Karl: euhhm, "This young man, prepared for his death"...

Ricky: right

Karl: And it's a "W". So the answer, -...an' it's not always gonna be like, our sort of music. It can be any sort of music that's out there

Steve: So the "W" is the name of?

Karl: of-the answer

Steve: I understand that, but is the answer always, the band- name, or is it th-

Karl: yeah

Steve: eh. It's always the band name? or the asrtist?

Karl: Yeahp

Steve: ...ana-and- so would the "W" be the surname, or would you have both the initials if it was- someone's name?

Karl sounds exasperated

Steve: Would Elvis Presley be "E-P"?

Karl: no...No

Ricky: Don't get annoyed Karl, These are- these are-

Steve: -valid questions

Ricky: -Questions that I knew would be asked. I know coz' he tested it on me. So you gotta tell 'em

Steve: We need to know the rules

Karl: If-if it was Elvis, I'd probably do uhhh, I'd do "E"

Ricky: Nono. No. Give him the answer....Give him the answer

Karl: Right. Did you hear the clue?

Steve: No. Give me the clue again then. So the-the letter is "W"-

Ricky: It is a cryptic clue-

Karl: It's "W"-

Ricky: -and the clue's fine.-

Karl: Listen

Ricky: -but, go on

Karl: and the clue is, "this young man, prepared for his death

Steve: "This young man prepared for his death"?

Karl: Yeahp

Steve: ..."This young man prepared for his death"

Karl: An' it's a "W"...an' it's his first name

Ricky: ..That's what he needed to know

Steve: Well see that's the...yeah

Karl: Yeah but I don't...

Karl sighs

Steve: well shouldn't we have the initials? Wouldn't that make it easier? I mean wouldn't-

Karl: Yeah but. they didn't do that on Blockbusters. It just had one letter.

Steve: Yeah they did.

Ricky: No they did they did

Steve: They did if it was a-if...

Ricky: A Goldrun they often had a f- three or four,-

Karl: Did they?

Ricky: -letters. Yeahh

Steve: Well it was normally just one word. It wouldn't have been a name or something

Karl: All right then.

Steve: "W"...??

Karl: "W" uh, "Y"..."W-Y"

Steve: Will Young

Karl: Excellent...Right-

Steve: I didn't understand it

Karl: "This YOUNG man,-

Ricky: "Will"- prepared for. This YOUNG man. So he sort of mixed sort of cryptic-

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: But I mean, you know he's a-that's a good effort. That's better then usual.-

Steve: No, it's deffinitely better then usual

Ricky: That is deffinitely better then usual

Karl: It's not bad, is it?

Ricky: So shoud we-Djyou wanna play-Let's play Rockbusters

Karl: yeahp. Rockbusters.So-

Steve: h-how many of these have you got? Now, coz-

Karl: Let's just leave-

Steve: -j-just-wewewewewewewe! Let's just clarify a couple of rules here Karl. let's just make sure we've thought everything through cuz', I'm pretty certain when they get these things on TV, they at least have a go at them in the office first

RIcky chuckles

Steve: (chuckling)before

Steve: they put em straight on air. I'm sure that's how it works. I'm sure Bob Holness just didn't turn up the first day and he's goes "don't worry, we'll wing it, it'll be fine. Bring the students in, lets have a go

Ricky finishes giggling and sighs

Steve: I'm sure they did a bit of preparation so let's just check that everythin-every base covered-

Karl: Yeah, I've got-

Steve: -Firstly. How many questions have they gotta get right-?

Ricky: I'll tell you what. Let's do this off air then. Shall we play a great-a great tune?

Karl: ...well...yeahp. Well people need to call in, don't they? cuz' we're doin' it, aren't we?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: It'll be alright...and there's-there's good stuff. I've got-Cd's. Right? I've got euhhm, some compilation stuff an' a couple of videos an' that so that's what they're playin' for

Steve: uh-hu

Karl: euhhm, call up now, 0-800-1-2-3-4 get em on the air, we'll play the game. Brilliant...yeah?

Ricky: yup

Steve lets out an airy laugh

Karl: Is that what we're doing?

Ricky: Bit of The Cure??

Just Like Heaven by The Cure is played


He Hasn't Thought It Through

Just Like Heaven by The Cure starts to dae out

Ricky: Right.

Ricky sighs

Steve: That's from that uh, Cure Greatest Hits compilation

Ricky: I'm going to have a heart attack, I really am

Just Like Heaven by The Cure ends

Steve: You get uh, a bonus CD on certain copies and that's uh, an acoustic version of Just Like Heaven fantastic

Ricky: He hasn't thought it through

Steve: I know. We've just spent-

Ricky: Right

Steve: 3 or- 3 and a half minutes minutes trying to figure out the rules

Ricky: Yeah, right. We've got it now. I'm sorry for the people who called in. The lines are going mental. Right, so. Hold on everybody. what we're going to do is we're gonna do an ad break-

Steve: We're just going to figure out how to play they game

Ricky laughs "no"

Ricky: we're gonna get two people on air and we're gonna, play it. So...uehhm XFM and that

Steve Laughs

Xfm non musical jingle type thing plays as if the ads are about to be played but 19 seconds of silence follows instead


We Wouldn't Survive in the Real World

Ricky: What's going on?!

Karl: I don't know...the adverts aren't working today. I don't, I'll have to get an engineer as well so that's-;

Ricky: Right. Don't play the adverts. I don't wanna play 'em anyway. Don't play 'em! it's not our fault if it doesn't work. it's..

Ricky makes an exasperated noise

Karl: why?...

Steve: Do you realize if we were like, live. We'd be heckled off the stage.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right! don't- play the adverts

Steve: We wouldn't survive in the real world.

Karl: I'll sort that out right

Ricky: Right. Right, get people on the air now. Just g-g-g-g

Steve: No.

Ricky sighs

Steve: Rick. calm down

Ricky: PLAY A RECORD THEN! DO SOMETHING! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Babies by Pulp is played


Let's Play Rockbusters

Babies by Pulp starts to fade

Ricky: Brilliant. Pulp

Babies by Pulp ends

Ricky: Good news and bad news. Bad news is we have got enough callers to play Karl's game

Steve: (laughs)ok

Ricky: Good news is we don't have play any more adverts-

Steve: yeah

Ricky: -in this show. So uh, if it doesn't work...sod it. Right, who have you got on the line Karl?

Karl: Sam.

Steve: Now let's just remind ourselves, what's the game?

Karl: It's Rockbusters.

Steve: ok now calm down Karl. I know you're a bit stressed. you got a lot to do but don't worry you just had a holiday

Ricky: Throw this desk out! Just throw- let's throw it out and start again

Steve: Ricky, don't get stressed

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: People euhh, people wouldn't think it was us if this show wasn't, you know, half baked.

Ricky giggles

Steve: (whilst Ricky is still giggling)and ill formed and, and, generally shoddy

Ricky: (still giggling)That's right

Steve: (whilst Ricky is still giggling) That's what I've grown to love.

Ricky: (still giggling) ok

Ricky: alright

Karl: Sam

Sam: Ello

Karl: Is it sounding alright today?

Sam: It is, it's just about

Karl: ite, cheers

Sam: That was worse

Steve let's out a short yelp of laughter

Karl: Alright then

Ricky: Yeah

Ricky tries to say something but is muffled by Steve's voice

Ricky laughs

Steve: (as Ricky is talking and then laughing) and euh, so we got Sam on the line. who else have we got there?

Karl: It's uh, we've got euh, we've got Tim as well, avn't we?

Tim: Allo

Karl: Alright Tim?

Tim: Yeah, what's happening?

Steve: Tim and Sam. you-you sound quite similar lads. Can one of you effect an accent or something?

Tim: euhmm

Steve: Which one's Tim?

Tim: Yeah, that's me

Steve: okay, which one's Sam?

Sam: This is Sam

Steve: Slightly deeper

Karl: a bit deeper, yeah. and they're not-

Ricky: ok

Karl: -against the clock anyway are they so it doesn't matter

Steve: I suppose not

Karl: so-;

Ricky: I think Steve just wanted a bit of variety (chuckles a bit)

Karl: {with a bit of a chuckle) you uh,

Ricky: okay

Karl: you understand the rule lads?

Steve: (laughing) can you explain them to us??

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right. Play it. ok

Steve: But hang on. waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait-

Ricky: (talking over Steve)let me-let me explain cus uh, life is too short. Now, Karl gonna read out euhm, uh say three clues? yeah. and uhm just, just shout your own name and answer it or shout the answer. Shout your own name then the answer if you know it. It's the person who gets the most right

Sam: okay

Ricky: Alright?

Sam: yup

Tim: yeah

Karl: Here we go then

Ricky: okay then

Karl: So-

Steve: hang on though, shouldn't it be the first of three?

Karl lets out an exasperated sigh

Ricky: Well, yeah but then-

Karl: ya

Ricky: -He hasn't got-

Karl: no. I have, I have. I've got enough, it's fine

Steve: you've got enough clues for that?

Karl: Right then, here we go

Ricky: God

Karl: Welcome to the show euhh

Ricky lets out an exasperated sigh/moan

Ricky: ohh God

Tim (or Sam) giggles

Karl: Right euhh, the frst initials, S.T. right? Is that right? Es t-;

Steve: We don't know! you've got the answers!

Ricky: We don't know, do we! How do we know?!

Karl: Here we go, S.T. and the cryptic clue is, "better then the average homeless person"...?

Ricky: Sorry. I-I think, is that a band?

Karl: Yeh

Ricky: Is it an old band?

Karl: yeah

Ricky: I think that's one word

Karl: Alright then, "S", "S", so it's an old 70s band ueh, "better then the average homeless person

Tim: Tim

Karl: Tim?

Ricky: Go on

Tim: Supertramp

Karl: Supertramp

Ricky: Yes

Someone is clapping

Karl: well-cheers. well done. one point to you, Tim

Karl: unfinished transcript . 24:05


Educating Ricky

Eczema and a Boil

That Song's Got a Good Story

It'll Be Like Star Wars

end of Living For the City by Stevie Wonder is playing

Ricky: Go on then Karl. Back announce that, it's your, it's your choice, that.

Karl: Right, songs with good stories that you can't fade out.

Ricky: no

Karl: uhhhhh

Ricky: Although you can heavily edit them for the ma-

Steve: yeah I noticed you didn't, you didn't play the uh, full version (Steve ends with "version" while chuckling

Ricky: no. its a radio edit

Steve: which has obviously got the complete story in...You've um, you've just played a, uh-

Karl: I haven't heard the other-;

Steve: single version

Karl: Well that's all I know

Steve: Well in the album version, uh,-;

Ricky: -He gets ubducted-

Steve: -he goes to jail

Ricky: He gets ubducted as well and he comes back with a big bear.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: no-

Steve: and he's covered in hair

Ricky: no

Steve: No he goes t-he gets uh, arrested...and goes to jail. But uh, its-he's-it's just you know just because he gets picked up because he's black. I mean he hasn't done anything wrong. There's a whole other-

Karl: never heard of that one

Steve: There's a whole other sort of section

Ricky: Maybe we should change this section

Karl: No, what we'll do. Right,

Ricky: "abridged versions of songs"

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Yeah

Karl: No. Next week, we'll play the second bit and it'll be like uh, be like Star Wars or something like that

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Brilliant

Xfm opener/closer played followed by Caught by the River by Doves


Give Her a Rubik's Cube

Call to Confirm

Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones starts to come to en end

Ricky: Well. Stones. Brown Sugar.. uhm, Steve thinks I can't tell you what this is about 'cos it's too rude for radio. euhm, but you've done it again, haven't ya? You just had another call haven't ya?

Karl: Yeah just thought uh, drugs do make you have wind, morphine enspeci-uh, specially. That's- that's the uh, bad one to have

Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones fades out

Ricky: And that was from a medical student, 'wunit?

Karl: yeahp,

Ricky: ya-

Karl: up in Leeds. So cheers for that

Ricky: Haven't had any calls about the alien abduction funnily enough

Steve chuckles

Steve: (chuckling)no clarification on that, so far

Ricky: no, no

Steve: Keep ya posted though

Ricky: (chuckling)Yeah

Ricky: Yeah, Yeah

Steve: If any of those calls come in...

Ricky: If anything happens, we will let you know

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Yeah

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Well that's it. We got through it. With all these mistae-They've got to get this equipment fixed, and gets- have got to go to HMV, Monday, and buy, about...f-I'd say five to ten thousands pounds worth of new albums

They all try to talk at the same time

Ricky: Deffinitely. Deffinitely-

Karl: It's going to be good next week

Ricky: Get this fixed, no get this fixed-

Karl: Yeah, yeah

Ricky: deffinitely.

Karl: Yeah yeah yeah. Don't go on about that. Next week though, we'll have more, Educating Ricky-

Ricky: That's the phone. look, that's the phone

Karl: Yeah, yeah. Don't do that.

Ricky: Wot?

Karl: Educating Ricky we'll do, the quiz, Rockbusters, do that again-

Steve: -Right.-

Karl: -and songs-

Steve: I might not be here

Ricky laughs

Steve: ...if that's the case

Karl: Steve.

Steve: wot?

Karl: what've you got?

Steve: what, next week?

Karl: No. Now

Ricky: ah, crap

Steve: I'm just gonna bring some sandwiches. I-d-d'you notice I was quiet for the last 20 minutes?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: just dosed off

Ricky: Yeah, well though the air conditionin's uhhm

Steve: (chuckling) exactly, I'm feeling quite muggy

Ricky: It's too- that's-that-that doesn't work either. and this is uh- totally serious, I'm not joking for the-

Karl makes an exasperated sound

Ricky: It's- I mean it's rediculous.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: ...So...

Steve: Right, a song for the ladies to end with as ever. Uh, Sly and the Family Stone, its always a favorite-

Ricky: no it's not

Steve: -If You Want Me To Stay

Ricky: ehhhh

If You Want Me To Stay by Sly and the Family Stone starts to play

Steve: see you next time

Ricky: ...cheers.

Steve: ...sweet.

If You Want Me To Stay by Sly and the Family Stone is playing

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