12 October 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 12 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Lung Feeling

Song: Someday by The Strokes

Ricky: Strokes, er, "Someday", I'm already annoyed!

Steve: I'm in a- I'm in a bad mood

Ricky: I've been here three minutes and I'm already annoyed.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: Bring back Claire, I tell you.

Ricky: No, it's not his fault-

Steve: It is.

Ricky: -it's the whole place. The library's sh-shite, I tried to ge-- Oh God. I had to g-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: I had to go to Capital library, er, oh-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: Fancy that, I had to go to Capital library to get a couple of records I wanted, right? Place is falling apart, the email's not working, it's so shoddy. He's had two weeks off. "Ooh, I'm on holiday." I mean, they, really, they might as well bulldoze this, honestly. 'Cause for all the- you know.

Steve: It is ludicrous.

Ricky: And, we get paid... peanuts.

Steve: You get paid, do you?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ah, and it really annoys me that you have to fight t- ah, anyway.

Steve: Anyway, just calm down-

Ricky: XFM 104.9-

Steve: -explain who we are.

Ricky: -I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you're back.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: How was it?

Karl: What, the holiday?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it wasn't all fun was it, because me dad was in, er, was in hospital.

Ricky: Oh, but he wasn't-

Steve: He wasn't during the holiday.

Ricky: -not during the holiday though, was he? You came back from holiday and then found that out, didn't you?

Karl: Yeah, but it happened when I was on holiday.

Ricky: Did you know that though, When you were on holiday?

Karl: No, 'cos I didn't take me phone with me.

Steve: Well, that's our question-

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Karl: But the weird thing is, I got- I got a feeling. When I was sat there. 'Cos it normally happens-

Ricky: It wasn't the nudist beach was it?

Karl: -when I first went away to-

Ricky: When you saw that old fella with his packet out?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -when I went to Ibiza, right. I, er, I had a feeling, and I called home and me dad had punctured a lung.

Steve: When you say you had a feeling, what do you mean, a feeling?

Karl: Just like "Oh, I should call home, there's something not right."

Steve: Mmm. That's a very specific feeling, how did that ma-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -how did that manifest itself?

Ricky: Hold on-

Steve: How does that- how do you get that? What kind of feeling is that-

Ricky: Was it- was it- "Oh God, I'm getting-

Steve: -is that a tingling thing?

Ricky: -I'm getting a bit of a lung feeling.

Steve: Yeah, mmm.

Ricky: A bit of a dad lung feeling

Steve: That feels like- that feels like a punctured lung, mmm.

Ricky: Hold on-

Karl: But anyway...

Ricky: No, but anyway, holiday was good. We talked about it last... week anyway.

Steve: Let's- let's probe Karl about his holiday later-

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: -'cos, you know, that's the sort of thing that audiences will stay tuned for Rick, I'm pretty certain.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Yeah, sure, sure-

Steve: Find out more about-

Ricky: You know more about this radio business than me-

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: -you know, you've hooked them already.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Indeed, yeah.

Ricky: Erm-

Steve: Well, also I'm thinking, we've got nothing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ever, now.

Steve: So- we may aswell save that.

Ricky: No, I resent it. I used to put a lot of work in, but now, I, you know, I think of the money, which is, you know, for me, pretty shoddy.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Well, yeah-

Ricky: You know what I mean? I don't usually get out of bed for-

Steve: -you make an awful lot of cash.

Ricky: Well exactly, yeah. And er, you know, and the whole thing, the whole setup... It was raining today, I thought, "I should have a cab in."

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: You know, and then the sun came out so I walked in again.

Steve: Mmm.

Steve laughs

Ricky sighs

Ricky: ...dear...

Steve: How are ya?

Ricky: But, erm, I'll tell you what, I got a bit criticised last week as well, that I- I only played ballads and same songs, so I'm gonna- I'm gonna rock out this week.

Steve: Ah, I'm loving it.

Ricky: I've been down to the Capital library-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: -to get some good tunes, and er, what about a little bit of AC/DC?

Steve: Ahhhh.

Ricky: "You shook me all night long."

Steve: Let's hear it.

Song: AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long


Basic Holiday Criteria

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What-

Karl: -it'll be a good holiday. If you get a hotel, right, the weather's always good. So your- so- so you'll have a nice time.

Ricky: Yeah, there was a comma, yeah.

Steve: I see.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on.

Karl: Erm, and all that, and the food was alright. And err, and everything was going alright, I was just having a nice, relaxing... time.

Steve: And how do you sort of spend your time on a holiday? You just lie around? Is that-

Karl: That sort of holiday just lying around, I- I bought a book.

Steve: You bought a book?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, ghosts?

Karl: No, it was- it was short stories, right-

Steve: About ghosts?

Karl: No, it was about, like, err, like, special days in our time, and time before me.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: And it was like, err, it was telling you about how in, I think it was 1814, the Thames frozen up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And all these stories are told by eye- eye witnesses.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right, so there was some fella who was around in 1814, and, err, the Thames was frozen, and people used to, err, put market stalls on there-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -and they'd do their shopping, and it was like- it was like an Oxford Street.

Ricky: Was that Mad Liar Charlie?

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, 'cos he's famous for that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I'm sure, you know-

Ricky: Yeah, I think that was Mad Liar Charlie.

Karl: Right, so I was reading that and then after a couple of days I was a bit like "Oh..."

Steve: Boring.

Karl: Yeah, you can do- you can only do sort of so much lying around.

Steve: And so much reading.

Karl: So, err, Suzanne said "Well, let's go on the beach, have a walk."

Steve: You hadn't gone on the beach?

Ricky: Where had to been up to this point then? In the- In your room?

Karl: No, just like, around the pool, just- just relaxing-

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Sure, yeah.

Karl: -and having a swim and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, so she said "Well, let's go on the beach." and I said "Oh, alright then, yeah." So, err, wandered down to the beach, and, err, first impressions are "Yeah, it's alright. It's clean."

Steve laughs

Karl: Err "Sea look good."

Steve: Your criteria is so basic, it's brilliant.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Hotel, yes, roof, good, food, adequate, beach, clean. Next."

Karl: So, I'm walking along, and everything's good and, err, you know, there's a woman, err, feeding fish bread, which I thought "Well, that's different."

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Ricky: Oh, wh-

More laughing

Ricky: I love that. He likes originality. He loves a bit of originality.

Steve: She was feeding fish bread?!

Karl: This woman was there, like up to her- up to her knees in water-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she was stood there-

Ricky: Was that the sea?

Karl: -chucking- yeah- ch-chucking this bread and I thought "What's she doing?" and I stood there and watched for a minute-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and there was little fish coming up, having the bread. I thought "Ah."

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we c- we carried on walking, and err, everything's going well, and then this fella comes towards me-

Steve: "Everything's going well."

Ricky: I know, yeah. "Yeah, that's original."

Steve: "I haven't fallen over."

Ricky: "Clean- clean, feeding bread, ah, two points for originality. Yeah, yeah."

Steve: "It's going well, it's going well."

Karl: Fella comes walking towards me-

Steve: Oi oi.

Karl: -he's only got no pants on.

Steve: Ohh.

Karl: So I said "Suzanne, what's going on?"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why does he turn to her? Like she knows more.

Karl: So she said- so she said "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's err..." She said "Yeah, it's a nudist beach."

Ricky: Is this going to be a long story, cos could- could you pour that coffee? Could you give me that coffee over?

Steve: Erm.

Ricky: Sorry- sorry, this is really bad. Ugh, yeah, cos he's pour- thank you.

Steve: Just amuse yourselves, while we-

Ricky: Thank you very much.

Steve: -sort the coffee.

Karl: Steve- Steve, do you want-

Steve: I'll have a cup of coffee Karl, thanks, yeah, cheers.

Ricky sips his cup of coffee

Ricky: Ugh. Cold. Right, good, okay.

Karl: So-

Steve: Great. Thank you.

Karl: So, she said "Yeah, it's a, err- it's a nudist beach." So I said "Well, why- wha-" I said "We're all mixed- mix- it's all mixed up." Normally on a nudist beach- it's a nudist beach innit, you don't go wandering on there when you've got your clothes on an' that.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So, it annoyed me a bit, cos there wasn't any signs. So this fella is getting closer-

Ricky: Well the knob out was a sign.

Karl: Yeah. Right, so he's getting closer, and he walked past me, it was an old fella, err, and he walked past and he had a hat on and, err, and a little pipe-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and a big rucksack on his back. Right, so it got me think-

Ricky: So not strictly naked.

Karl: -I'm walking along and I'm thinking 'Right, why do people wanna do this?'. So straight away he was- I wasn't on holiday anymore, cos most of the time when i'm on holiday I don't think about anything.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right, I just-

Steve: You're minds ablank.

Karl: -I just switch off.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right. But all- all of a sudden this- this has got in me head now, and I've turned round to- to look at him, and-

Steve: Check out his arse.

Ricky bursts into more laughters

Karl: -and the bag- and this bag, right, I swear, it was-

Ricky: (???) Ballsack.

Karl: -it was MASSIVE, right.

Ricky: What?

Steve: He had a massive bag.

Karl: The- the bag- the-

Karl almost laughs

Steve: His rucksack.

Karl: His rucksack.

Ricky: Oh right, okay.

Karl: So-

Karl giggles quietly

Ricky: When I said- he said there's an old couple coming towards me, I said "What was lower, the bloke's testicles or the woman's tits?" and he said "That was another point, she might as well have wore knickers."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Cos it's so low- he could see- that's what he said, to me.

Steve: So you saw the bag...

Karl: So it annoyed me, yeah, because the whole idea innit- ah- this is what I think- I mean I might be wrong, right-

Ricky holds back laughter

Steve: Chances are-

Ricky: You never have been.

Steve: -quite strong.

Ricky: You never have been before.

Karl: Being nudist, right, what's it all about?

Ricky and Steve hold back more laughter

Steve: Tell you what, on that- on that.. point, Karl, let's play a tune- let's come back, and we'll discuss-

Ricky: What are we gonna play?

Steve: -we'll discuss that very issue. We have- we've got some ideas, we did chat about this last week, Karl, in your absence.

Karl: Alright. Well, we'll play the Coral...

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It's a good one this.

Song: The Coral - Dreaming Of You


I'm Not One for Getting Me Kit Off

End of Dreaming of You by The Coral is playing

Ricky: Coral. Dreaming of You.

Dreaming of You by Coral ends

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: If you've just joined us, Karl is walking down the beach

Ricky: yeah

Steve: And, a man has just passed him. With his nob out

Ricky: Yeah with him testicles out and his-his uh, huge, huge bag. Apparently.

Karl: Right

Ricky: Now, we're gonna, we'll sum this up. You know, quick because we didn't talk about it last week, you know you did- you did call me and tell me some of these things and we- we sort of uh, mentioned it last week but, uh, you just wanna say your th-just give us your thoughts on nudity.

Karl: well, what I don't understand is right. Nudity, I thought it was all about...you know, sort of being free.

Ricky: yeah

Karl: ..Natural, letting the breeze, you know, blow around you an' that.. tha-that's the only thing I can think is-of-of like the bonus of doing it

Steve grunts in understanding

Karl: But. You can get that, by just having a pair of shorts on, alright? Coz, I-I'm not one for gettin me kit off. It's just something, a bit weird about it, innit normally, if I go for a walk on the beach, I'll...I'll put a shirt on

Ricky: sure

Karl: but leave it unbottoned

Ricky: Yeah

Ricky makes some sarcastic impressed sounds

Steve: Tease the ladies, sure.

Karl: D'you know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: But...it just feels a bit weird

Ricky grunts in agreement

Karl: So it's best to cover your back anyway coz the sun..

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: and all that.

Steve: Good advice, yeah

Karl: ...But when I saw him, and I thought "well, right. Is he doin it to sort of, be free and be confy and all that" and then, I though, "But he's carrying a big bag.

Ricky and Steve: alright

Karl: I've got a pair of shorts on and I'm not looking at him thinking "(gasps and exhales)I bet he's really comfy"

Ricky quietly giggles trying to suppress laughter

Karl: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: yeah

Karl: I wasn't going "I can't wait to get home and get me shorts off they-"

Ricky and Steve laugh. Ricky still laughing calmly

Karl: "They're really annoying me, these

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve chuckles briefly while Ricky continues to laugh

Ricky still laughing

Karl: So,

Ricky continues to laugh but appears to be trying to stop

Karl: an that-that's just it. I don't get, what it's all about

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Sure, sure

Steve: Yeah (as ricky's is saying his second sure

Ricky: Well um, okay. Well uh m-my advice is d-don't gon't don't go to nudist beaches again

Karl: Well I didn't, I didn't go again s-

Ricky: Do you play-do you play volleyball?

Karl: ...nope

Ricky: well y- there nu- there's nothing for you to be honest, Karl

Steve: Do you ever walk around the house nude?

Karl: ...not ril-only if like, it's quickly to sort of jump out of bed and go an' get a glass of orange. but I've gotta be-

Steve lets out a small laugh

Karl: -careful coz livin' on a high street, there's flats right across the way lookin in.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And the thing is it's always-

Ricky: there's a little, Chinese fella

Steve: There's a little chinese fella

Karl: exactly

Ricky: and wh-what's the other one? the wu-one- is he the one-?

Karl: There's the old woman reading a book,

Ricky: Yeah. Who could be dead for all we know

Karl: yeah, uhmm-

Ricky: who doesn't move

Karl: there's some bouncers and uh-

Ricky: "Some bouncers"?

Karl: I think so

Steve lets out a single chuckle

Karl: yeah

Steve: (chuckling)is that a euphemism?

we know Ricky is going to burst out laughing by the sound he makes

Karl: They're always-

Ricky bursts out laughing

Karl: (over Ricky laughing) There's always uh-

Steve: (over Ricky's laughing) her name's Carrol

Ricky is still laughing

Steve chuckles quietly and calmly, very faintly under Ricky's laugh

Karl: But uh-yeah, the only time, if I nip out, sort of get out of bed at night, go and get an orange and I've still gotta be careful cuz if they're awake and I open the fridge door-

Steve: ohh, but you're illuminated yeah

Karl: and the light comes on-

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: the-they'll sort of see the light-

Ricky: And the shadow.

Karl: -turn round-

Ricky: And the shadow. and the weird, long, stretchy shadow

Steve: mm, yeah

Karl: yeah

Ricky: wh-wh-why do you get-wh-you get up and go orange juice or orange squash?

Karl: ...you know, Robinson's

Ricky: (laughing)you can't advertise on-

Steve: Why don't you take a glass of that to bed with, why you getting up?

Ricky: yeah

Karl: cuz, uh, whenever I do that, I normally don't wake up and it's a waste innit?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: The man is a genius, inee? look, well, continuing are-are-are-are rockin out thing-

Steve: Yeah, we're in a "rock" mood

Ricky: Well, I think this sums up "rock n' roll", doesn't it?

Steve: ...It's not called "Rock an' Roll", is it?

Ricky grunts/laughs

Steve: Textbook

Rock N' Roll by Led Zeppelin is played


Karl's New Ideas

Ricky: Coldplay - The Scientist. That's about you, Karl? What happened there, all that rubbish pressing the wrong thing going out-

Karl: That- I don't wanna go ther- I sorted it now. Doesn't matter.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Calm down, you're not focused, Karl. That's what concerns me. Your mind's on other things.

Karl: I'm alright now, --

Steve: You are-

Karl: I'm ready to go. Yeah.

Steve: -sure?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: This is so- aww...I just-

Karl: I tell you what, right, how focused I am-

Ricky: What?

Karl: Got some new ideas for you.

Ricky: Go on then!

Steve: They've all been blinders in the past.

Ricky: Go on!

Karl: Did you do any competitions when I was away?

Ricky: Uhh- did we? I think we did, didn't we? Did we give away a DVD?

Steve: (surprised)Did we?

Ricky: Yeah, we did- go on, yeah?

Karl: Right.

Ricky: --

Karl: Yeah, I thought of some-

Ricky: This isn't like radio, is it, like we know it. This is just people talking.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: If the mic's on, it's luck!

Steve laughs.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: If anyone's listening- I, you know, have no idea what they think of this show.

Steve: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Ricky: It's not a show!

Steve: Not in the traditional sense.

Ricky: No! Okay then, you're gonna change all that, Karl?

Steve: Cause a show suggests a certain form of presentation-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -a certain pride-

Ricky: -and when we do present it-

Steve: -and dare I say: some plannling.

Ricky: Yeah. And when we do, it's ruined by him pressing the wrong buttons.

Karl: But I've got some planning 'ere.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: ?Cause he is?

Karl: Uhh- what I did was, when I was on holiday-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -right? I- you said: Come up with a new idea, right?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: So the best way of coming up with an idea is, sort of,-

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Thinkin'!

Karl: -sort of nicking a TV show name, and then twistin' it abit.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So-

Ricky: Or just read off Simon Matto- Simon Mayo's idea completely.

Karl: Alright-

Steve: Good advice for anyone out there.

Karl: -I did-

Ricky laughing

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Steve: -interested in ideas.

Ricky: ?Karl is presently running a course, writing for TV.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -and that's lesson one, isn't it?

Steve: That's lesson one.

Ricky: -rip summat else off-

Steve: -just doing it, and change the title slightly.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Karl: This one I haven't really got a- I don't know what to do on the game, but I'm thinking-

Both snigger.

Karl: -Strike it Ricky?

Steve howling

Steve: That's all you got?

Karl: That's-

Steve: That's all you've come up with?

Karl: -follow that through-

Steve: -how long did that take?

Ricky: What is that?

Karl: I just thought it sounded a bit like: Lucky.

Steve howls.

Karl: Forget that one then!

Ricky: Forget that, yeah. Okay, no, don't, no, no. We all- we - not even Spielberg- not all his films, you know, could hit the- go on!

Steve laughing throughout.

Karl: Right...

Ricky: (intense)Yeah, is good. Go on.

Karl: D'ya remember Big Brother?

Ricky: Yeah. Do I remember Big Brother!? No, go on!

Karl: Big Mother, right? You call in, if your mum's heavy, you win a CD.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (Laughing)Ka-a-arl. What d'you mean? How can you- how can you prove that?

Karl: Alright. Forget that.

Both still laughing. Ricky bursts out anew.

Karl: Right, ay 'ere.

Ricky: (imitating)Ay ere! Good one. You got-

Karl: No. --

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: The Price is Right, remember that?

Both: Yeah.

Karl: Right-

Steve: The Price is Ricky?

Karl: No. The Rice is Right, and what I'd do. I read from an Indian menu and a Chinese menu, you tell me whether you have pilau or egg-fried.

Ricky bursts.

Ricky: He's a genius, in't he? He really is a modern-

Steve: I don't understand that one.

Ricky: -let. Go on, then. Go into the- Let's go into this one. Let's not cross this one off right away. Go on, what d- you read from what?

Karl: Well, I've got- I get a couple of menus from like an Indian and a Chinese take-away.

Both: Yeah.

Karl: -and I'll go, like, right...uuh: Chicken Korma.

Ricky: Well, could I just suggest that as it's an Indian it will be pilau, and anything you read out that, is-

Karl: Yeah, but you don't know which one I'm reading from.

Ricky: (angry)Whatthen chicken korma is Indian, isn't is?

Karl: Yeah, so you go pilau.

Steve chuckles

Karl: but then.--

Ricky: But then you might as well say Indian or Chinese!

Karl: No, because then the name wouldn't work. The Rice is Right.

Ricky: Oh, okay, I forgot you're working with the titles backwards, aren't you. Okay, yeah.

Steve: I'm so confused-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -I don't know where I am or what- what day it is.

Karl: A programme that they're binning on Channel Four, right-

Ricky: Could you cross that out, we're not doing The Rice is Right.

Steve: I don't understand The Rice is Right.

Ricky: No. Go on.

Karl: I tell you that later, we'll have a game in the office, right?

sniggering

Karl: A game that they're binning on Channel Four, but has got really big viewing figures-

Ricky: Well, obviously not, or they-

Karl: --

Ricky: -wouldn't be binning it. Go on.

Karl: Do you know 15 to 1?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: They're getting rid of that, right.

Ricky: Are they?

Karl: I'm thinking: 15 Taiwan.

Steve laughs.

Karl: Get some items that are made in Taiwan, right? Get 15 items and you- I say what they are, and then you go: Ooh, I bet it's the vase...or something.

Ricky: That's the one that's made in Taiwan?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: (laughing)Just explain that again very quickly.

Ricky: (laughing)No, don't, Karl! Cross it out.

Karl: Oh, right. Forget that-

Ricky: Cross it out. 15 Taiwan.

Steve chuckles

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: This is the one that I've prepared for, cause I think this-

Steve: ---

Karl: -isn't daft, this is good.

Steve: Let's play a tune, and then hear it after that.

Ricky: (laughing)Oh, God.

Karl: Are you sure?

Steve: I'm very excited.

Karl: Are we gonna play it after that or are we gonna say-

Steve: No, you're gonna explain.

Ricky: (unclear)

Music starts playing.

Steve: Ho-hooo!

Song: The Rolling Stones - Waiting on a Friend


This Young Man Prepared For His Death

Waiting on a Friend by The Rolling Stones begins to fade out

Ricky: Good to hear that again, innit Steve?

Steve: ahh fantastic

Ricky: Waiting on a Friend by the Rolling Stones. Yeah? Go on then Karl,

Waiting on a Friend by The Rolling Stones ends

Ricky: on Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington, go on

Karl: Right. This one, euhhm, 'member Blockbusters?

Steve: uh-hu

Karl: Right. This one, this one is good and we'll do this one. ehhh, Rockbosters. And remember how Bob Holnes, used to give you a letter?

Ricky: yeah

Ricky can be heard chuckling softly at what Karl says next

Karl: And uh, ehhm he'd give you a question and the answer

Karl: to that question is that letter.

Steve says "yes" as Ricky says "yeah"

Karl: Right, well it works like that, so if I said to you, euhmm... yeah we'll test it out on you Steve right. Euhhm,...Right, welcome to the show an' that

Steve: Hello

Karl: uhhm, let's-let's play. Right. An' I say "Right, your first one is 'W'

Steve: m-hm

Karl: ...euhhm, and the cryptic clue, 'cuz it's done like croswords

Steve: ok

Karl: euhhm-

Steve: So not quite like Blockbusters

Karl: well...(brushing Steve's comment off)

Karl: euhhm, "This young man, prepared for his death"...

Ricky: right

Karl: And it's a "W". So the answer, -...an' it's not always gonna be like, our sort of music. It can be any sort of music that's out there

Steve: So the "W" is the name of?

Karl: of-the answer

Steve: I understand that, but is the answer always, the band- name, or is it th-

Karl: yeah

Steve: eh. It's always the band name? or the asrtist?

Karl: Yeahp

Steve: ...ana-and- so would the "W" be the surname, or would you have both the initials if it was- someone's name?

Karl sounds exasperated

Steve: Would Elvis Presley be "E-P"?

Karl: no...No

Ricky: Don't get annoyed Karl, These are- these are-

Steve: -valid questions

Ricky: -Questions that I knew would be asked. I know coz' he tested it on me. So you gotta tell 'em

Steve: We need to know the rules

Karl: If-if it was Elvis, I'd probably do uhhh, I'd do "E"

Ricky: Nono. No. Give him the answer....Give him the answer

Karl: Right. Did you hear the clue?

Steve: No. Give me the clue again then. So the-the letter is "W"-

Ricky: It is a cryptic clue-

Karl: It's "W"-

Ricky: -and the clue's fine.-

Karl: Listen

Ricky: -but, go on

Karl: and the clue is, "this young man, prepared for his death

Steve: "This young man prepared for his death"?

Karl: Yeahp

Steve: ..."This young man prepared for his death"

Karl: An' it's a "W"...an' it's his first name

Ricky: ..That's what he needed to know

Steve: Well see that's the...yeah

Karl: Yeah but I don't...

Karl sighs

Steve: well shouldn't we have the initials? Wouldn't that make it easier? I mean wouldn't-

Karl: Yeah but. they didn't do that on Blockbusters. It just had one letter.

Steve: Yeah they did.

Ricky: No they did they did

Steve: They did if it was a-if...

Ricky: A Goldrun they often had a f- three or four,-

Karl: Did they?

Ricky: -letters. Yeahh

Steve: Well it was normally just one word. It wouldn't have been a name or something

Karl: All right then.

Steve: "W"...??

Karl: "W" uh, "Y"..."W-Y"

Steve: Will Young

Karl: Excellent...Right-

Steve: I didn't understand it

Karl: "This YOUNG man,-

Ricky: "Will"- prepared for. This YOUNG man. So he sort of mixed sort of cryptic-

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: But I mean, you know he's a-that's a good effort. That's better then usual.-

Steve: No, it's deffinitely better then usual

Ricky: That is deffinitely better then usual

Karl: It's not bad, is it?

Ricky: So shoud we-Djyou wanna play-Let's play Rockbusters

Karl: yeahp. Rockbusters.So-

Steve: h-how many of these have you got? Now, coz-

Karl: Let's just leave-

Steve: -j-just-wewewewewewewe! Let's just clarify a couple of rules here Karl. let's just make sure we've thought everything through cuz', I'm pretty certain when they get these things on TV, they at least have a go at them in the office first

RIcky chuckles

Steve: (chuckling)before

Steve: they put em straight on air. I'm sure that's how it works. I'm sure Bob Holness just didn't turn up the first day and he's goes "don't worry, we'll wing it, it'll be fine. Bring the students in, lets have a go

Ricky finishes giggling and sighs

Steve: I'm sure they did a bit of preparation so let's just check that everythin-every base covered-

Karl: Yeah, I've got-

Steve: -Firstly. How many questions have they gotta get right-?

Ricky: I'll tell you what. Let's do this off air then. Shall we play a great-a great tune?

Karl: ...well...yeahp. Well people need to call in, don't they? cuz' we're doin' it, aren't we?

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: It'll be alright...and there's-there's good stuff. I've got-Cd's. Right? I've got euhhm, some compilation stuff an' a couple of videos an' that so that's what they're playin' for

Steve: uh-hu

Karl: euhhm, call up now, 0-800-1-2-3-4 get em on the air, we'll play the game. Brilliant...yeah?

Ricky: yup

Steve lets out an airy laugh

Karl: Is that what we're doing?

Ricky: Bit of The Cure??

Just Like Heaven by The Cure is played


He Hasn't Thought It Through

Just Like Heaven by The Cure starts to dae out

Ricky: Right.

Ricky sighs

Steve: That's from that uh, Cure Greatest Hits compilation

Ricky: I'm going to have a heart attack, I really am

Just Like Heaven by The Cure ends

Steve: You get uh, a bonus CD on certain copies and that's uh, an acoustic version of Just Like Heaven fantastic

Ricky: He hasn't thought it through

Steve: I know. We've just spent-

Ricky: Right

Steve: 3 or- 3 and a half minutes minutes trying to figure out the rules

Ricky: Yeah, right. We've got it now. I'm sorry for the people who called in. The lines are going mental. Right, so. Hold on everybody. what we're going to do is we're gonna do an ad break-

Steve: We're just going to figure out how to play they game

Ricky laughs "no"

Ricky: we're gonna get two people on air and we're gonna, play it. So...uehhm XFM and that

Steve Laughs

Xfm non musical jingle type thing plays as if the ads are about to be played but 19 seconds of silence follows instead


We Wouldn't Survive in the Real World

Ricky: What's going on?!

Karl: I don't know...the adverts aren't working today. I don't, I'll have to get an engineer as well so that's-;

Ricky: Right. Don't play the adverts. I don't wanna play 'em anyway. Don't play 'em! it's not our fault if it doesn't work. it's..

Ricky makes an exasperated noise

Karl: why?...

Steve: Do you realize if we were like, live. We'd be heckled off the stage.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right! don't- play the adverts

Steve: We wouldn't survive in the real world.

Karl: I'll sort that out right

Ricky: Right. Right, get people on the air now. Just g-g-g-g

Steve: No.

Ricky sighs

Steve: Rick. calm down

Ricky: PLAY A RECORD THEN! DO SOMETHING! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Babies by Pulp is played


Let's Play Rockbusters

Babies by Pulp starts to fade

Ricky: Brilliant. Pulp

Babies by Pulp ends

Ricky: Good news and bad news. Bad news is we have got enough callers to play Karl's game

Steve: (laughs)ok

Ricky: Good news is we don't have play any more adverts-

Steve: yeah

Ricky: -in this show. So uh, if it doesn't work...sod it. Right, who have you got on the line Karl?

Karl: Sam.

Steve: Now let's just remind ourselves, what's the game?

Karl: It's Rockbusters.

Steve: ok now calm down Karl. I know you're a bit stressed. you got a lot to do but don't worry you just had a holiday

Ricky: Throw this desk out! Just throw- let's throw it out and start again

Steve: Ricky, don't get stressed

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: People euhh, people wouldn't think it was us if this show wasn't, you know, half baked.

Ricky giggles

Steve: (whilst Ricky is still giggling)and ill formed and, and, generally shoddy

Ricky: (still giggling)That's right

Steve: (whilst Ricky is still giggling) That's what I've grown to love.

Ricky: (still giggling) ok

Ricky: alright

Karl: Sam

Sam: Ello

Karl: Is it sounding alright today?

Sam: It is, it's just about

Karl: ite, cheers

Sam: That was worse

Steve let's out a short yelp of laughter

Karl: Alright then

Ricky: Yeah

Ricky tries to say something but is muffled by Steve's voice

Ricky laughs

Steve: (as Ricky is talking and then laughing) and euh, so we got Sam on the line. who else have we got there?

Karl: It's uh, we've got euh, we've got Tim as well, avn't we?

Tim: Allo

Karl: Alright Tim?

Tim: Yeah, what's happening?

Steve: Tim and Sam. you-you sound quite similar lads. Can one of you effect an accent or something?

Tim: euhmm

Steve: Which one's Tim?

Tim: Yeah, that's me

Steve: okay, which one's Sam?

Sam: This is Sam

Steve: Slightly deeper

Karl: a bit deeper, yeah. and they're not-

Ricky: ok

Karl: -against the clock anyway are they so it doesn't matter

Steve: I suppose not

Karl: so-;

Ricky: I think Steve just wanted a bit of variety (chuckles a bit)

Karl: {with a bit of a chuckle) you uh,

Ricky: okay

Karl: you understand the rule lads?

Steve: (laughing) can you explain them to us??

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right. Play it. ok

Steve: But hang on. waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait-

Ricky: (talking over Steve)let me-let me explain cus uh, life is too short. Now, Karl gonna read out euhm, uh say three clues? yeah. and uhm just, just shout your own name and answer it or shout the answer. Shout your own name then the answer if you know it. It's the person who gets the most right

Sam: okay

Ricky: Alright?

Sam: yup

Tim: yeah

Karl: Here we go then

Ricky: okay then

Karl: So-

Steve: hang on though, shouldn't it be the first of three?

Karl lets out an exasperated sigh

Ricky: Well, yeah but then-

Karl: ya

Ricky: -He hasn't got-

Karl: no. I have, I have. I've got enough, it's fine

Steve: you've got enough clues for that?

Karl: Right then, here we go

Ricky: God

Karl: Welcome to the show euhh

Ricky lets out an exasperated sigh/moan

Ricky: ohh God

Tim (or Sam) giggles

Karl: Right euhh, the frst initials, S.T. right? Is that right? Es t-;

Steve: We don't know! you've got the answers!

Ricky: We don't know, do we! How do we know?!

Karl: Here we go, S.T. and the cryptic clue is, "better then the average homeless person"...?

Ricky: Sorry. I-I think, is that a band?

Karl: Yeh

Ricky: Is it an old band?

Karl: yeah

Ricky: I think that's one word

Karl: Alright then, "S", "S", so it's an old 70s band ueh, "better then the average homeless person

Tim: Tim

Karl: Tim?

Ricky: Go on

Tim: Supertramp

Karl: Supertramp

Ricky: Yes

Someone is clapping

Karl: well-cheers. well done. one point to you, Tim

Steve: We're off and running.

Tim: I have no idea why that's right by the way.

Karl: You don't kn- you don't understand why it's right?

Ricky: A su- he's a Super Tramp

Tim: Oh right, okay. Cryptic, yeah.

Steve: Better than the average homeless person.

Ricky: Yeah...yeah.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, cryptic. Okay, second one. Come on Sam, you've got to-

Ricky: That's actually quite good for Karl. Trust me Tim, that's...I mean take that. Take that as a good clue because...yeah, okay.

Tim chuckles

Karl: We won't do this again.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right, one-nil to Tim.

Karl: Right here we go. "F". The letter is "F". That's the next one we're moving on to, and the cryptic clue is "The little girl is hungry, what shall we do?"

Tim: Is it "S" or "F"?

Ricky: I've got it.

Karl: "F".

Sam: Sam. Feeder.

Ricky: Yes. One-all. Feeder. "Feed her"

Steve: He's pulled it out of the bag,

Sam Laughs

Karl: Yeah. Feed her. Okay. So that's one each. So this is the decider, innit?

Steve: Wait a minute, ITV are on the phone!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well you said first to three, so no it's not, is it? That's what I said, just do the three clues and who gets the most.

Karl: Okay, well we can do that now. So...here we go.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I love this. This is rubbish. Go on.

Karl: So here's- here's the last one, the initials are "A.K.", right? And the cryptic clue is "Exploding pet". Say- Shout out your name if you know it.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Last order to the bar please! Last order to the bar.

Ricky still chuckling

Karl: Exploding pet. "A.K."

Steve: You're tuned to XFM 104.9. Karl Pilkington's quiz Rockbusters. The format is still available to the highest bidder, please give us a call or you can email in at ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk.

Tim: Is it a band or a singer?

Karl: It's- I'll give you a bit more of a clue, it's a pop band. Okay? We- we wouldn't-

Sam: Sam. Atomic Kitten.

Ricky: Yes!

Karl: Excellent! Heeeey!

Someone clapping

Ricky: This is amazing radio.

Karl sighs

Ricky: So who was that that won?

Karl: That was Sam who won.

Ricky: So that's two-one to Sam, so he wins...What does he win, Karl?

Karl: He wins some CDs, and some videos.

Ricky: Now he's gotta- and uh *clears throat* and uh- obviously now, Sam if you're ready, take the spot, you're gonna do the gold run.

Steve: Hoo-hoo!

Sam laughs

Ricky: Away you go, Karl.

Karl: I haven't got any more.

Ricky: You're a fool!

Sam or Tim laughs

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Right, stay on the line, we'll give 'em both some presents. Play a record for- I just...

Steve: Rick, I'm gonna shoot off.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Can I come?

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughing

Song: Feeder - Come Back Around


Educating Ricky

Come Back Around by Feeder ends

Ricky laughing

Ricky: Feeder - Come Back Around, he's getting all stressed again

Steve: You know we've only done an hour?

Ricky: I know it's- I'll tell ya what this seems like three.

Steve: You know there's another hour to go?

Ricky: I know, I ca-I don't know what it seems like to the- you know the listeners. I say listeners

Steve: I tell you this, I'm not trying to be disrespectful Karl but...I think maybe someone else should come in and press the buttons...'cause I'm not sure you're a cros- I don't think you can concentrate on talking and working at the same time. I'm not sure you can-

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Walking. Walking and eating.

Steve: -yeah, I- for you it seems it's a bit like-

Ricky: Aw no, don't say that look- he's gutted. No, there's a lot gone wrong here. I say- I say throw this desk out and get a real one. Seriously.

Steve: Well I think there's a Fisher-Price one you can buy in, uh, Argos that might be worth getting,

Ricky: But yeah, we got the- we were stung 'cause it was secondhand, this one. But, um, this is like the MIR spacestation. I mean it really is falling apart. Get a new one in. Let's not, you know...oh, I can't believe it. Get the- I mean look at the- look at that! Look at the library, look, gap- look at the gaps in the library.

Karl: Let's not go on about this, 'cause this isn't...this isn't good.

Ricky sighs

Steve: What, where as that quiz was?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Where as that was good radio?

Karl: Well you can join in and stuff, for that.

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Steve: But the problem is Karl, why do you rush to do it? We- I've told you before we should practice these things. That's how it's done.

Ricky: Although to be fair Steve, I can't- I haven't got time to do anything so at least Karl's coming up with stuff.

Steve: But I don't mind you know, running through with it-

Ricky: What other ideas have you got?

Steve: -while you're having a kip outside, during the records.

Ricky: Really? What other ideas have you got? Have you got any ideas, Karl? Because we're really- we've got another hour to fill. Have you got anything at all?

Karl: Well, we- we...I've got that feature Educating Ricky, which is a bit of a play on words as well...right? Do you know- do you know the film, Steve?

Steve: Educating Rita.

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Well done.

Ricky: I see what you've done. I see what you've done.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I'm doing that, and I teach Ricky stuff. Uh...

Steve laughs

Steve: Okay

Ricky: Wh-what- what do you teach me, Karl?

Karl: Well I've got a few different topics. Uh-

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Do you know like, how you taught me about Hitler and Che Guevara and Winston Churchill?

Steve: Mm-hmm

Karl: I'm gonna come in with topics every week, and this week I've got uh...han-

Ricky: Ghosts?

Karl: No. "Hanging bacon" is one of the topics.

Steve: Say that again?

Karl: "Hanging bacon".

Steve: "Hanging bacon"?

Karl: All the titles-

Ricky: Francis Bacon?

Karl: No, all the titles are sort of names that sort of make- sort of tease you and get you more interested in it.

Steve: "Hanging bacon", well you've certainly intrigued me.

Ricky: Go on, what's another title of one?

Karl: Uh..."Hairy chinese kid".

Ricky and Steve start laughing

Ricky: Could I- I'm gonna go for that one.

Karl: No.

Steve: If there was-

Ricky: Could I-

Steve: -if there was a university degree-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -with that title

Ricky: Yeah. No, I'm gonna go for "Hairy chinese kid", I think.

Karl: And the final one-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: "Alien gives man a beard"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I...right, I am gonna burst.

Steve: "Alien gives man a beard"?

Ricky: I am gonna burst. Right, listen Karl you've got to tell me- right, first- right, let's do *inaudible*

Karl: No. We're not- we're not going to do it now anyway.

Ricky: What do you mean? We've got to do it now! Th-the- I mean that- this is the first interesting thing you've said in an hour, okay? The listeners have just been subjected to rubbish and...oh...and mistakes and everything for the last six months. Please we've gotta do "Alien gives man a beard". What is that? Tell us that.

Karl: Right. umm...

Ricky: Sorry, this is just you telling me something, is it?

Steve laughs

Karl: Well-

Ricky: This feature is you telling me something?

Karl: Well, teaching you something. "Educating Ricky". Alright?

Ricky: So, are we playing it now? We're already into feature- well into this feature are we?

Karl: Yeah, I suppose we are, yeah.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Should there not be a jingle or something?

Ricky: Yeah, can we have a jingle?

Karl: Well there's no point, 'cause look I come up with ideas and you dismiss 'em straight away, so I'm not wasting me time making stuff...

Ricky: Right.

Karl: ...If you don't like it.

Ricky: Well okay, let's play- let's play Educating Ricky.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Brilliant. Go...

Ricky and Karl: Right.

Karl: So-

Ricky improvises a jingle for Educating Ricky

Steve: Educating Ricky.

Karl: Right. What we going for then? "Hanging the bacon", "hairy chinese kid"...

Ricky chuckles quietly

Karl: "Alien gives man a beard"

Steve: I think "alien gives man a beard", we're all excited about it.

Ricky: I'd like to do that.

Karl: Right. There's this fella, I think it happened in America. Uh...

Ricky stifles a laugh

Karl: And he saw a bright light in the sky. And uh...

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Karl, if you're bored...

Karl: And he's stood there.

Steve: This is a true story, is it?

Karl: Yeah. He's stood there...

Ricky: "Yes", of course it isn't, Steve!

Steve chuckles

Karl: And he saw this bright light, and it came closer and closer and it was a UFO. Right?

Ricky and Steve giggle

Steve: Yep.

Karl: And he looked at it, and it disappeared. Right? And he gets back in his car...

Ricky and Steve are still giggling

Steve: He looks in the mirror?

Karl: And he looks in the mirror.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: He's only got a beard.

Steve: He hasn't.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I can't believe it.

Ricky: You sure it wasn't someone else who got in the car? And he was still standing out there.

Karl: No. Right?

Ricky: What?

Karl: And it turned out-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -he got home, and said to his wife or- or his girlfriend uh..."It's a bit weird"...

Ricky and Steve giggling

Karl: Said "I just got out of the car to look at a bright light and I...I got back in the car and grew a beard." And she said "Never mind your beard, where have you been for three days?"

Ricky burst out laughing

Karl: And what had happened is-

Steve: He passed out 'cause he was pissed.

Karl: No. The UFO had taken him for three days.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But he'd only thought he'd only looked at it, and it went away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But what had happened is-

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: They took him, and he grew a beard 'cause he hasn't had a shave.

Ricky: Um...right, okay...I mean...was Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones anything to do with this at all? Or were you- did you see this on a video maybe and thought it was an educational film?

Karl: No, it's from a book that some kind person sent in to me here...um-

Steve: Can I just ask again, just again I'm throwing this right back at ya. Um, do you think there's any other possible answer here? Right, a man is absent for three days from home-

Ricky: He's grown a beard.

Steve: -the length of time that it could take to grow a beard, lest we forget. Um, what if he hadn't actually seen a bright light in the sky?

Ricky: What if he was lying?

Steve: What if he was being drunk, he'd got knocked unconscious-

Ricky: Hm.

Steve: -he'd had a car crash-

Ricky: Just lying. No, just lying.

Steve: -any number of other things? Or he was just lying.

Ricky: Yeah, he'd been on a bender getting pissed for three days with his mates

Steve: Yeah, and that was his excuse to his wife.

Ricky: And they went "What are you gonna- Dennis, what are you gonna tell your wife?"

Steve: "Uhm...well wait a minute..."

Ricky: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait wait uh...

Steve: "She's not gonna believe I was out with you lads, uh.."

Ricky: "Just say you were only away for a minute." "No, she'll know I wasn't away for a minute 'cause of the beard."

Steve chuckles

Ricky: "Oh yeah, it looks like we've been out for three days." "Well we have, thats..."

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: "Right, okay we've got to cover that then"

Steve: "Hm hm hm hm hmmm."

Ricky: "Uh...alien abduction?"

Steve: "Great one."

Ricky: "Okay, let's try that."

Steve: That's a little scenario there that could've been played out.

Ricky: Sorry, when you say educating Ricky what have I learned from this? Never listen to you again. That's all I've learned so far, never listen to you.

Karl: Well, here y'are, We'll add a little bit more in here, right, to spice this up.

Ricky: Well, no! What do you mean, add a little bit more?

Karl: We'll add a bit more to this- to this- what I'm educating you about.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right? Um...there's only a law in America that says if you touch a UFO you're gonna get done. Now why would they make a rule...I don't know the- do you know like, all their rules have a code-

Ricky: I- Karl. I-I genuinely do not know what you're talking about.

Karl: Right. Do you know like how here, they might have-

Ricky: Ka- Do you know what-

Steve: I have no idea.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Right. Do you know like over here-

Steve: Rick, I'm listening to Capital in these headphones.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I've got- I've got Foxy on, from yesterday.

Karl: Let's- Let's bin that.

Steve: No, it's great. No, Karl-

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ah- I wanna hear about hairy chinese kid!

Steve: Let's play a tune and let's come back with hairy chinese kid

Ricky: Okay, play a tune and come back with hairy chinese kid, definitely.

Karl: Play a bit- some Doors?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah I just thought, uh, I'd go back- take you back to the 60's, this is a tune that a friend of mine sent me.

Ricky: If you touch a UFO you get done.

Steve: Soul Kitchen from The Doors

Karl: Shambles today, this.

Ricky chuckles

Song: The Doors - Soul Kitchen


Eczema and a Boil

Song: David Bowie - Slow Burn fading out

Ricky: David Bowie, Slow Burn. Quite a- quite a Eno trilogy feel about it-

Steve: Yeah, not bad at all yeah

Ricky: Lodger and sort of Low type.

Steve: Is it a new tune?

Ricky: Yeah. But uh...yeah.

Steve: Enjoyable.

Ricky: Um, now...okay...That's stressful, innit? We- I think we've got things working now. We've had people coming in and out, just shaking their head going "shouldn't have bought that desk."

Steve: Hm.

Ricky: But it's all sorted now I think. And uh, oh...I- I'm sorry

Steve: You noticed how it took, um-

Ricky: What?

Steve: -about 25 minutes for them to come down as well though. Do you feel like we're maybe quite low in the pecking order in the building?

Ricky: Definitely.

Steve: You know it's like Capital first, Capital gold, they can shoot off, do other sort of pirate stations.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Peoples car radios, then they come back here.

Ricky giggling

Ricky: Yeah. Oh dear...Oh, had a job at Richer Sounds.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Light fitting was uh, bzzt, buzzing. Um, now...but, we've got um, thanks for staying...listening. Um right, okay Educating Ricky, what have we got? Hairy Chinese Kid, go on.

Karl: Right, yeah. This is the uh, I didn't wanna do this.

Ricky: What do you mean you didn't want to do it?

Karl: Well I wanted to give you three, and- and I gave you one, it was like "alien man gets a beard" or whatever-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: and-

Ricky: Which was total rubbish, so this one should be better maybe.

Karl: Hairy Chinese Kid, right. Well, we've talked about hairy people in the past.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: True enough.

Karl: 'Aven't we? Um...you know the- the little kids who grew up in woods, and hung aroung with wolves and that.

Ricky: Yeah. Again, you're confusing uh, yeah they're not- there were some people that were born...very hirsute. They were not the people who were brought up with wolves, you've just put that together in your Homer Simpson-type mind.

Karl: Right, well this is like a sort of- sorta close to that sort of story.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve giggling

Karl: Uh...But the wierd this is, right? Chinese people aren't that hairy. As a- as a nation.

Steve laughs softly

Karl: No seriously. That's a well known fact

Steve laughs again

Ricky: oh god...

Karl: They don't have that much body hair, and stuff.

Ricky: right, okay,

Karl: And so, this little kid who was born over there, um...he was like covered in the stuff.

Steve: Was he?

Karl: And it was only his nose that wasn't hairy. The rest of his body was caked in hair, right?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Um, and his hair sort of grew-

Ricky: What sort of hair was it? Was it-

Karl: Thick. Thick hair.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No. What I mean is, was it sort of uh, like a pony's mane, so he just looked like an Ewok? You know what I mean, just like hanging down sort of straight, dark hair.

Karl: Well it looked- in the picture it looked like, uh- It grows from his eyebrows-

Ricky: Was it downy?

Karl: It grows from his eyebrows quite thick, and then it just goes all the way over his head.

Ricky: You don't think it was just really long eyebrows that he'd done a comb over?

Karl: No, it was all over his body, it had a picture of like his back and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And uh-

Steve: Had he styled it- Had he styled it at all? Did he have it in a quiff, or?

Karl: No, it was just- It was just all over him.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh...And they were like, you know, "This is a bit weird." Happening uh- happening in China-

Steve: Mm.

Ricky snickers

Karl: -where they're not normally that hairy.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That was the scientist speaking.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: And uh, the press- the local press and that were getting him down, calling him Monkey Boy and all this.

Steve: Oh...

Karl: And uh-

Steve: Stinking Chinese press.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: But the doctor-

Ricky: Yeah. Aw...

Steve: They're cruel, aren't they?

Karl: The doct-

Steve: It's like those game shows. That's japanese isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And the doctor said, um-

Ricky: Was Karl talking like through all that time where we were just like doing the...

Steve Chuckles

Steve: I don't know

Ricky: 'Cause I turned around and I still saw he was talking...Go on.

Steve: So anyway, the local press came down to see the hairy boy. The monkey boy...

Karl: Yeah, and they were like being tight and taking the mickey out of him, and the doctor said, uh-

Ricky: Showing him nuts.

Karl: -said "He's only- He's only hairy" Said um... "He's a healthy young kid, the only faults he's got is he's got a little bit of eczema, and a boil."

Ricky laughs

Karl: And he said "Everybody should just treat him the same." and- I think he grew up a healthy- healthy kid. Um...yeah, so that's- that's the uh-

Ricky: That's-

Steve: That's the end of the story?

Ricky: That's not a story.

Karl: Why?

Ricky: But I've- We'll I've got nothing- I don't know what to say to that. So someone was- someone in China was born slightly hairier than the rest, and he was normal apart from eczema and a boil? That to me isn't a story.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: But I- If it is, I've got a million. I mean...it's sort of like "Bloke from Manchester went a bit balder than the rest, got a job on radio. He were normal." I mean that's not a story, is it? Do you know what I mean?

Karl: Alright then.

Steve: Hang on, hang on, hang on-

Ricky: Hold on, he's got the big guns. You're not gonna give us Hanging Bacon are ya?

Karl: Yep,

Steve chuckles

Steve: Hoo-hoo!

Ricky: Come on then. Come on then, come on.

Karl: Right.

Steve: This is the one we've been looking forward to. This is it.

Karl: No, this is a good one.

Steve: This is the one.

Karl: And this is a story, right? Uh- Do you know the saying, uh, "Chewing the fat"?

Ricky: Good one, it's one of my favorites.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know what it means?

Ricky: Talking.

Karl: Right. Well, do you know where it came from.

Steve: No.

Karl: Right, what they used to do years ago, when people didn't have much money-

Ricky: Is this the same as throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

Karl: No it's not th- well it's not the same saying, but it's-

Ricky: No, but I mean is it as wrong as that was?

Karl: Right, well let me tell ya and we'll see.

Ricky: Go on. Okay.

Karl: Um...like people go out to work, and with the money they'd buy food...

Ricky: Oh yeah, go on.

Steve laughs

Ricky: This is a good system, wh-wha- go on. What do- what do you mean? People go out to work and with the system- well go on.

Karl: And if- if you were quite well off you might treat your family to some bacon, right? But do you know like, in these days if people earn a lot of money they might buy a nice suit-

Ricky: Or s-

Karl: -or a car.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah. So- eh- well, what are you saying? You're s- wa-wait a minute let me get this straight. You're saying that you go out to work and get money to- to buy things to live and if you get sort of enough money to live, and you've got some left over you might treat yourself on like a suit or a car or some- is that what you're...

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, go on.

Karl: But back then- back then if you had money they'd say-

Steve: This is olden times?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: "Let's get some bacon in." Right?

Steve chuckles

Karl: And what they'd do..They'd hang it in the kitchen.

Steve: What, to show it off?

Karl: To show it off to all their neighbors and friends. 'Cause if you were- if you had hanging bacon it was like "He's doing alright for himself."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Some lovely bacon.

Karl: So they had loads of bacon hanging up, and people would come 'round, right? and whilst they're stood in the kitchen talking about whatever they're talking about-

Steve: In olden times.

Karl: -they'd say uh..."Do you want a bit of rind?" And they'd- and they'd rip a little bit of rind off, and whilst they're having a- having a chit-chat-

Ricky: Chewing the fat.

Karl: -they'd chew on the rind-

Ricky: Well I think that's probably true.

Karl: -and they'd say-

Ricky: I'd hadn't heard that, but that one to me sounds true. Do you see the difference between that one and "A man was abducted and grew a beard"? Do- can you see the difference-

Karl: Yeah, but they're different-

Ricky: -in why I accept that story...

Karl: -different stories for different...things.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Different stories for different things! So- see that's a nice- that's a nice story if it's- I don't know if it's true, I mean- but it seems totally possible, viable, quite interesting. I won't be quoting that myself until I've verified it, but that's- you know, I won't be telling anyone the bloke who got in the car and he had a full-faced beard.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Why hadn't his car been towed away?

Karl: Because it was a quiet road.

Ricky: Was it?

Karl: It wasn't in the way.

Steve still chuckling

Steve: Are you filling in the blanks again?

Ricky laughs

Steve: That wasn't in the book was it, that you read? See that's just the thing, sometimes I think you make up bits of the story as though they were fact. That doesn't seem right.

Karl: Well that's all you can do, innit?

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: So...So that's Educating Ricky, will we-

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: -do that next week?

Ricky: That is brilliant, Karl.

Steve: No, I think that was good. I-I do- I mean I enjoyed that, I learned something from that.

Ricky: I mean w- just- just, I wanna get a- I mean this is all from one book is it?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: It's an interesting book.

Ricky: Um...with the- with the- I don't want to dwell on it, but with the- with the hairy chinese kid, what did they say about that? What was the...ehm...was it "Once there was born a kid who was slightly more hairy then everyone else, but it's alright, he only had a boil." How did they word it? How did they- how did this catch your imagination?

Steve: There was a picture.

Karl: Well, it was a picture that grabbed me first of all.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: And uh, it was like "God, what's up with him?" And that's when I read it, and it said-

Ricky: Did you see the boil and the eczema, or just the hair?

Karl: No, you see- because his face is like- just under his eyes is sort of nice and smooth, and his nose is sticking out and that's not hairy. But the rest of him- he looked like he had this sort of a balaclava on or something. And then- and then I read on and it's like "This was a hairy kid in China."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Yeah. Okay, good. Anything else in there? Because- I mean I like- I like that.

Karl: No, well we'll do more of that next week.

Steve: Educating Ricky

Ricky: How- how is that alongside um, Hanging Bacon, Alien Abduction, um- Hairy Chinese Kid and uh, a little interesting fact about the derivation of a phrase?

Karl: ...What do you mean?

Steve: He didn't understand a word of that, play a record.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I knew the word "derivation" was going to cause problems. I thought "derivation shouldn't have come out."

Ricky still laughing

Song: Beck - Lost Cause


That Song's Got a Good Story

Song: Beck - Lost Cause fading out

Ricky: Now I'm not- I wasn't disputing. He's all smug 'cause he just had a phone call. That was um, Beck, Lost Cause. Go on, tell- tell 'em why you're all smug.

Karl: Because Adrian just called up-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: after hearing the story about the Chinese kid-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he said "Yeah, that's true, there was a TV program on it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He had a uh, a chromosome defect.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it made him hairy, and his mom and dad had- used to have to shave him. That wasn't in the book. But um...thinking about it, that's not a good move anyway, is it?

Steve: what, 'cause-

Karl: 'Cause they say that for women, if you get a few hairs on your top tip don't shave it 'cause it'll grow back thicker and faster. So-

Ricky: Right.

Steve: They should just, what, let 'em-

Karl: They should've just said "Well, let's see how- how bad it gets."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But if they- if they went in there straight away as a- if he came out as a baby and a little bit hairy, they should have left it-

Steve laughs

Karl: for a little bit. But Adrian called up and said um, "yeah, he was hairy, he was alright."

Ricky: Yeah, but we weren't disputing there was a, uh, a Chinese kid born slightly hairier than the rest.

Steve: We were disputing the fact that you didn't actually tell us a story.

Ricky: And-

Steve: You just told us a sort of selection of facts.

Ricky: And what we are disputing is that that man was abducted by aliens for three days and grew a beard.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's definitely not true.

Karl: Yeah, well...

Ricky: We don't know about chewing the fat but it sounds quite viable.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You see the difference is between me and Steve and you is that, ah, what we believe isn't random. Do you know what I mean? It's not random, the things that-

Steve: We don't believe stuff just 'cause it's interesting.

Ricky: It's not every other thing we believe, and every other thing we don't. We sort of like-

Steve: Well I think Karl believes stuff if it's interesting.

Ricky: Yeah, I know. I know, yeah.

Steve: If he thinks "Oh, intriguing"...fact.

Ricky: Mm. He said uh- he said to me on the w- um, *mumbles* he said uh, "That Hollies record, 'he ain't heavy he's me brother', what's that about then?" And I went "Oh I don't know. I heard it was about someone has a disabled brother, and um, he was lifting him in and out of a car or something, and someone said "Oh, do you want a hand?" And he went "No, he's not heavy, he's my brother." I.E.-

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: This isn't a burden for me.

Steve: Yes, yeah.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Karl, what did you say?

Karl: Uh...I'd say-

Ricky: No, I'll tell you what he said. He went "Well that's ridiculous, he was still heavy."

Steve makes a noise

Ricky: And, he said "And don't turn down help."

Steve laughs

Karl: Which...we were talking about that, because a new feature we start on about this time every week-

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Uh-

Ricky: We start about this time every week?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Um, we'll do, um, That song's got a good story.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah, love it. Love it, snappy. Go on, go on, go on.

Karl: And um- there's loads of songs out there, isn't they with uh, with songs that you couldn't fade out- when you hear them on the radio and that, you don't want anyone to talk over the start or the end-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: because it's a-

Ricky: Oh, but remember we did this once before with um, Killing Of Georgie by um, Rod Stewart.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: And I was a bit worried that it might have been a true story, because we were, you know joking about it. And uh, he went "Oh, you know that Killing of Georgie", went "I think it is a true story." I went "Why?", he went "I listened to it again, and Rod Stewart at the beginning says 'this is, uh, one of me best friends'"

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: It's brilliant, isn't it? It's genius

Karl: So there's loads of songs out there, and what I wanna do, we wanna get the audience involved in this, so-

Steve: Mm.

Karl: if you've got like a favorite song that's got a really good story-

Ricky: If you've got an audience. Yeah, go on

Karl: Right, yeah. Uh, and they'll email in, ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk, and they say what the song is now.

Steve: What would examples be, then?

Karl: Examples- ones that jump to mind straight away for me, Elvis, In The Ghetto.

Ricky: Yeah, good one.

Karl: Brilliant.

Ricky: Andrew Gold, Lonely Boy.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Absolutely

Karl: Don't know that one.

Steve: Eminem, Stan.

Karl: Right. Yeah, yeah. Good one, you couldn't fade it out, could you? 'Cause you'll go "Well what happened?"

Ricky snickers

Steve: Yeah. Yeah no, absolutely.

Karl: And that's- that's what I'm saying. Not just any sort of pop song that keeps repeating itself, and you know, it's like, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter if it skips or, you know what I mean, if you turn the radio off.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But I'm talking about songs-

Steve: Ernie, The Fastest Milkman in the West.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, that is a good story. That is a good story. Oh...

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you know that one?

Karl: Yeah, well it's a story, yeah.

Ricky: Ted from Teddington, he drove the baker's van. Oh...

Steve: So what- what have we got then, have we got one specifically?

Karl: So we're gonna kick it off today with uh, Stevie Wonder, Living just enough For The City.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And uh, just- just...briefly.

Karl: Sum it up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, if you haven't- if- if you are nipping out, maybe you're in the car and you're about to pull up somewhere and get out. What it's all about is, there's a lad who's growing up in like America in some rough area, right? And uh, he's trying his best to do well, and get a job and everything. But because of where he's from, it's stopping him doing that, right? It's like how I grew up on a estate in Manchester, and I had to leave there and come to London to do alright for meself.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Uh, and it's his whole family, and it's a tale of like, how like, how his mum works dead hard and works loads of hours, but the kids are always well dressed and cleaned. It doesn't mean just cause you haven't got a good job you let your house run down, do you know what I mean? She's looking after it. The- the sister, you know, she hasn't got new clothes, but they're always clean, and her knees are clean I think it says at one point.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Excellent. Clean knees, always important.

Karl: Uh, so- so will we give it a listen, let- let everyone hear it?

Ricky: Brilliant, it's a great track.

Steve: Well, I don't think Stevie can do it justice-

Ricky laughs

Steve: after that explanation.

Karl: Right, so-

Steve: I'm not sure he's gonna be able to top that.

Ricky: I hope he uses like, some sort of like backing tune to try and uh-

Steve: Try and pep it up a bit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Cause you have really knocked the socks off it.

Ricky: Brilliant. I'm looking forward to the clean knees.

Karl: Right, here we go then. It's a new feature, uh-

Ricky: What was it called again?

Karl: The- The story in that song's really good. Here's Stevie Wonder.

Song: Stevie Wonder- Living For The City


It'll Be Like Star Wars

end of Living For the City by Stevie Wonder is playing

Ricky: Go on then Karl. Back announce that, it's your, it's your choice, that.

Karl: Right, songs with good stories that you can't fade out.

Ricky: no

Karl: uhhhhh

Ricky: Although you can heavily edit them for the ma-

Steve: yeah I noticed you didn't, you didn't play the uh, full version (Steve ends with "version" while chuckling

Ricky: no. its a radio edit

Steve: which has obviously got the complete story in...You've um, you've just played a, uh-

Karl: I haven't heard the other-;

Steve: single version

Karl: Well that's all I know

Steve: Well in the album version, uh,-;

Ricky: -He gets ubducted-

Steve: -he goes to jail

Ricky: He gets ubducted as well and he comes back with a big bear.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: no-

Steve: and he's covered in hair

Ricky: no

Steve: No he goes t-he gets uh, arrested...and goes to jail. But uh, its-he's-it's just you know just because he gets picked up because he's black. I mean he hasn't done anything wrong. There's a whole other-

Karl: never heard of that one

Steve: There's a whole other sort of section

Ricky: Maybe we should change this section

Karl: No, what we'll do. Right,

Ricky: "abridged versions of songs"

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Yeah

Karl: No. Next week, we'll play the second bit and it'll be like uh, be like Star Wars or something like that

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Brilliant

Xfm opener/closer played followed by Caught by the River by Doves


Give Her a Rubik's Cube

Song: Doves - Caught By The River fades out

Ricky: Doves, Caught By The River on XFM 104.9. Well it's been a good show, hasn't it? We've been sort of like- quite a rock and roll 70's feel to it, mainly the equipment. Um, but uh, we got through it. Karl's been telling us some great insights into his- his mind.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Really. We've had a few laughs, a few tears...bit stressful. What were you telling me in the week, about when you went to visit your dad in hospital?

Karl: Oh, talking about um, yeah, me- when I got back off holiday and me dad was- was in hospital. I shot back to see him, see how he's getting on, and hospital's are depressing places aren't they?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Really like, pff, god you know, they d- you know, if- even if you're not that ill it makes you feel worse.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: 'Cause it's really like it drags you down, there's people walking around moaning and, you know-

Steve: You, mainly.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well, you know.

Ricky: Nurses.

Karl: And uh, my dad was-

Steve: Ooh, political.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: is uh-

Steve: High-five.

Ricky and Steve: Satire.

Karl: Do you know what I mean though-

Steve: I would like to be around...

Ricky: 'Cause they don't get payed enough and all that.

Steve: Oh..

Ricky: And they do, like-

Karl: No, well that's um-

Steve: Tony Blair are ya listening?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: I don't- I don't want to look like I'm moaning about the people working, 'cause they all work really hard, yeah?

Ricky: Course they do, yeah.

Karl: But it's just-

Steve: God bless 'em.

Karl: -they are depressing places.

Ricky and Steve high-five

Ricky: High-five. Go on.

Karl: Nice one, nice one. Right, so um, so I'm sat there and me dad's uh, getting fed up. And uh-

Steve: Is that 'cause you're visiting?

Karl: Just, just- he's quite an active bloke-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: and all of a sudden he's gotta stay in bed and, you know it's like sit down, stop moving about and all this. So um, so he's sat there, and there's an old woman in the bed next door, right. And uh...she's- I mean she's in a bad way anyway.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? She must've been- she looked about...I'd say she looked about 98 or something like.

Ricky: Okay, good.

Karl: Right? Now I don't know what was wrong with her but she always- constantly moaning and you could see that the nurses were trying their best to keep her happy and she wasn't having any of it, and uh, and she was moaning 'cause her hands have gone blue.

Steve chortles

Ricky: Well that is a worry to be honest.

Karl: Well it's not, because she's 98.

Ricky: Is that what happens?

Karl: But why- why doesn't the doctor- if I was a doctor, and I'm not one, but uh-

Ricky: No, no. K-Karl don't be modest, are you a doctor, yes or no?

Karl: But- but if I was there-

Ricky: I think he's let it slip. Are y- Karl, are you a doctor?

Karl: No listen-

Ricky: Look me in the eye.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Right, Karl-

Steve: So this woman had blue hands-

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: had she seen um, a spacecraft?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Right, so-

Ricky: ?...Go on.

Karl: She had blue hands. Now she's 98, if I was a doctor I'd be thinking-

Ricky: No, she's not 98, you said- you said earlier on she looked about 98. So you're making that up.

Steve chuckles

Karl: She's 98-

Steve: Just shifting from speculation to fact.

Ricky: She has blue- fact now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, she's 98-

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It is fact now!

Steve: There's a hundred year old woman, go on.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah go on, yeah.

Karl: If I was a doctor I'd be thinking-

Ricky: You're not, are you? You- honestly-

Steve: He was thinking "How did I con them?"

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: I'd-

Steve: "How'd I get away with this?"

Karl: I'd be thinking-

Ricky: Right.

Karl: she's 98, um, she hasn't got long left. Why not just let her be at home and be happy in her own-

Steve: With her blue hands, yeah.

Karl: in her own space-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: um, you know, and let her- let her have a nice life, whatever's left.

Ricky: Because she may hurt herself. She may have falls, some people have to go in there for their own protection. She might not have immediate family-

Steve: But more than that. she may not have been dragged in against her will.

Ricky: No, no.

Steve: She may have come to hospital because she was worried about her blue hands.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Yeah but, when I was talking to Ricky he said "Oh, what it would have been" is uh, probably a bit of- did you say it's rheumatism or something?

Ricky: No I said it might- I mean, blueness can be through uh, lack of circulation.

Karl: Right, so just-

Ricky: And I'm definitely not a doctor.

Karl: You've got- you've got- you've got blue hands, bad circulation we're going to send you home. We'll give you a Rubik's Cube, um, play around with that with your hands. get- get the blood-

Ricky: Give her a Rubik's Cube!

Steve: Sure.

Karl: get the blood pumping, um, and don't worry her. Don't say "Oh, it's really bad." Just think she's 98, let her have a nice rest of the life.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But instead she was there, and the annoying thing was- and they do this with a lot of people in hospital, they pump you with drugs-

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: trying to sort it out. They don't, you know- probably a bit of guesswork going on, maybe. A little bit-

Ricky: Not- not as much as you, but go on.

Karl: Right? And because of that they sort of break wind a lot. So I'm sat there with me dad talking-

Steve: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

Karl: Drugs do that, Steve.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: I'm sure if there's a doctor listening or a nurse, they will clarify-

Ricky: Right.

Karl: that if they pump you with all sorts of stuff, um, it wants to come out.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So you're sat there having a serious chat, it's a quiet hospital. The woman next door with the blue hands suddenly starts seeping gas, right? Wh- I start laughing.

Steve chortles

Karl: 'Cause if there's one thing that makes you laugh, it's that innit?

Ricky: Is a- is a 98 year old lady with blue hands farting?

Karl: So you're trying to hold it in because it's a really quiet hospital and it's- it'd be obvious that we were- that I was laughing at her and I didn't want to be mean.

Ricky: No.

Karl: But it was funny. And then it got me talking about me auntie, cause me auntie Nora um, she uh- same thing. Pumped her with loads of drugs, she used to- her cabinet next to the bed is like Boots. She's got loads of stuff, right? For all sorts of stuff. And- I mean she's not that old, but she's on loads of stuff, right? And-

Steve: She's a bit coked up is she? Smack?

Karl chuckles

Karl: She uh- she called up me mam once, and uh-

Ricky: Yeah he told us this. Go on, tell it again.

Karl: And uh, she said "Oh, how are you doing?" and that. She said "Alright." uh, "Bit worried though." and me mam said "Why, what's up?" Said "I've uh, been breaking wind." So she goes "Well, yeah." Says "No, but this one is going on and on and on."

Steve laughs

Karl: And she was like- she was- she was like, wh-what would you say? Whats- passing wind, farting for five minutes. One- one thing. Not like...you know, trumping and then nothing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Continuous.

Steve: Continuous drone of a fart?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: I don't think she had- How big was she? She must've been the size of a barn.

Karl: No, she's not that big. shes- you know, she's good for her age.

Ricky: No, but I mean-

Karl: Quite slim and that. Quite slim. It's just-

Ricky: No, but farting for five minutes. Where's all the ga- was she circular breathing? Was she sucking it in with her mouth?

Karl: It was just- I don't know. I don't know that much about it. But she called up me mam about two and a half minutes in-

Ricky laughs

Steve: Could you hear it in the background?

Ricky: Two and a half minutes in!

Steve laughs

Karl: Two and a half minutes in. She called me mam up, and it went- it went on for a further two and a half minutes.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: And she just stayed on the phone did she?

Ricky: Where was-

Steve: She's on the phone going "Can you hear that?"

Karl Chuckles

Karl: Well...she didn't say-

Steve: Did she hold the phone next to her arse?

Ricky chuckles

Steve: "Listen to that."

Ricky: She was- she was off the ground.

Steve: "I'm trying to work a tune out."

Ricky: She was- she was actually hovering.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: She was four foot off the ground when they found her, the ambulance men.

Steve: Yeah. The cat's dead.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: "Don't light a match! Don't light that cigarette!"

Steve: Yeah. It's like that advert. The kids come home from school, switch on the lights.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve laughing

Ricky: There they see granny, hovering. Turn the light on *makes a whoosing fire noise*

Steve: "Be careful if you have an elderly woman at home."

Ricky: "Drugs make you fart."

Karl: So thats- that's what I'm saying. You know, just let these people-

Ricky: What? What are you saying? No wait a minute, what are you saying?

Karl: I'm saying let people enjoy their life they've got left.

Ricky: No you're not. You're saying don't put 'em in hospital, leave them at home to die.

Karl: No, I'm not.

Ricky: Give 'em a Rubik's Cube and let 'em die, that's what your saying.

Karl: Right I'll tell you some- Here y'are, I'll tell you something now, right? Steve? I'll tell you something, and I didn't want to do it because it'd bring the show down, but she did die.

Steve: Who, the blue-handed lady?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: How do you know?

Karl: Because I said to me dad "How's the uh, woman next door?"

Steve: "How's fartie?"

Karl: He said "Oh, she went- she went last night, they've got an old fella in there now."

Steve: God.

Karl: So, there you go. So, wouldn't it have been better to leave her at home, where her friends and family can call her and speak to her, even nip 'round if they want, you know. With a cat, I imagine.

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, it'd definitely a cat now. What was it that cat's called, do you imagine?

Karl: Proba- I'm seeing like a big ginger one so I don't know, something like, I don't know. Maybe Ginger or whatever. Um, maybe had a budgie. But that's what I'm saying, just let 'em enjoy that life because dying in hospital I wouldn't like to do it. If- If I went to the doctors and they said "You haven't got long left." I'd say "Well...I'll stay at home."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And that's- that's the point I'm getting at.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If you can't do anything for them, let them enjoy their life.

Steve: Yeah. A Rubik's Cube.

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Right. Well um, good. That backfired. Now uh, let's play the second of the Rolling Stones tr- I'm gonna try and do this every week, it's a feature called Too lazy to go and get another album.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh, what about a classic bit of rock and roll, yeah?

Steve: I'd love to hear it.

Ricky: Brown Sugar. Do you know what this about Karl?

Karl: Drugs?

Ricky: Maybe, I'll tell you later.

Song: Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar


Call to Confirm

Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones starts to come to en end

Ricky: Well. Stones. Brown Sugar.. uhm, Steve thinks I can't tell you what this is about 'cos it's too rude for radio. euhm, but you've done it again, haven't ya? You just had another call haven't ya?

Karl: Yeah just thought uh, drugs do make you have wind, morphine enspeci-uh, specially. That's- that's the uh, bad one to have

Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones fades out

Ricky: And that was from a medical student, 'wunit?

Karl: yeahp,

Ricky: ya-

Karl: up in Leeds. So cheers for that

Ricky: Haven't had any calls about the alien abduction funnily enough

Steve chuckles

Steve: (chuckling)no clarification on that, so far

Ricky: no, no

Steve: Keep ya posted though

Ricky: (chuckling)Yeah

Ricky: Yeah, Yeah

Steve: If any of those calls come in...

Ricky: If anything happens, we will let you know

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Yeah

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Well that's it. We got through it. With all these mistae-They've got to get this equipment fixed, and gets- have got to go to HMV, Monday, and buy, about...f-I'd say five to ten thousands pounds worth of new albums

They all try to talk at the same time

Ricky: Deffinitely. Deffinitely-

Karl: It's going to be good next week

Ricky: Get this fixed, no get this fixed-

Karl: Yeah, yeah

Ricky: deffinitely.

Karl: Yeah yeah yeah. Don't go on about that. Next week though, we'll have more, Educating Ricky-

Ricky: That's the phone. look, that's the phone

Karl: Yeah, yeah. Don't do that.

Ricky: Wot?

Karl: Educating Ricky we'll do, the quiz, Rockbusters, do that again-

Steve: -Right.-

Karl: -and songs-

Steve: I might not be here

Ricky laughs

Steve: ...if that's the case

Karl: Steve.

Steve: wot?

Karl: what've you got?

Steve: what, next week?

Karl: No. Now

Ricky: ah, crap

Steve: I'm just gonna bring some sandwiches. I-d-d'you notice I was quiet for the last 20 minutes?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: just dosed off

Ricky: Yeah, well though the air conditionin's uhhm

Steve: (chuckling) exactly, I'm feeling quite muggy

Ricky: It's too- that's-that-that doesn't work either. and this is uh- totally serious, I'm not joking for the-

Karl makes an exasperated sound

Ricky: It's- I mean it's rediculous.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: ...So...

Steve: Right, a song for the ladies to end with as ever. Uh, Sly and the Family Stone, its always a favorite-

Ricky: no it's not

Steve: -If You Want Me To Stay

Ricky: ehhhh

If You Want Me To Stay by Sly and the Family Stone starts to play

Steve: see you next time

Ricky: ...cheers.

Steve: ...sweet.

If You Want Me To Stay by Sly and the Family Stone is playing