19 October 2002/Transcript
- 1 A Little Big Hungover or Still a Bit Drunk
- 2 Pete Horton's In It
- 3 I've Just Nicked Five of Your DVDs
- 4 Flea to Glasgow
- 5 You're Obsessed with Puns
- 6 Have You Heard That One About Worms
- 7 Cryptic Clues
- 8 Mrs Zippy
- 9 What's Tomato With You
- 10 Free Crisps
- 11 Don't Go and Be Murdered
- 12 Just Look Better
- 13 It Was Pushing People Off Their Bikes
A Little Big Hungover or Still a Bit Drunk
Doves…Caught by the river, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais... Steve Merchant... Karl Pilkington and everything…
No...I'm gonna be honest with you...
Little bit hungover, don't feel very well. I don't know if I'm hungover or still a bit drunk, but I don't feel->
You sound like you're still a bit drunk.
Yeah. So what I'm worried about-
Then you do every week, so...
What I'm worried about is... that the standard will slip.
Yeah? I'm not right on the ball, urm and, the other thing is I haven't had a lot of time to prepare the show today.
So I don't... And I - and, I don't really... I don't feel...you know.
Yep. I haven't done any... Karl...
Have you finished that sentence?
I... don't make me laugh because it- it hurts as well. And the other- the other- there's another side effect to me being a little bit hungover, and um drunk or whatever, right, is that I can be annoying.
Right, yes, yes.
'Cos I just to amuse myself I sort of like turn my body off a little bit and just poke, and like-
Like that, and annoy people and that... I wanna- I wanna sort of like cl-
Well you do the physical equivalent of freewheeling.
Yeah, yeah! I sort of like, I sort of wanna climb on Karl and go to sleep on him.
Do you know what I mean? Both annoy him, and it'd be comfortable.
Which is... you know, can be annoying.
Do you know, just a quick little thing to make this show a bit easier; if you'd put your hand up when you want one of us to speak... Cos it's not quite- I'm not quite sure when the sentences are finished.
The hands are up!
Ok, good. So um- well-
The hands are up.
Ok, good, all right. Are you just going to keep them up for the rest of the show, or are-
No that'll ache, Karl, do what you, what you've... Uh?
Good, alright. Do you wanna- Is there any excuse as to why you're a bit hungover?
Too much wine.
Last night, yeah...
Yep. Good, good. 'Cos this is the only- I mean this is the only work you've got to do all week-
-unless I'm very much mistaken, you don't have to do anything. You just sit at home eating- eating cheese-
-um, and then occasionally you do a bit of um, sort of shadow boxing-.
-And that's exersise... And then you sit at home and watch TV.
Is that roughly what you did this week?
Uh-huh. So this is... the only two hours you've had to do anything for all week, this is the only thing you had to prepare for...
Yes, I... Who can plan a hangover?
You know, you'd think th- Karl, you said you had some stuff.
<What have you got?
I love the fact that whereas I was a little bit slow, Karl there leapt into action, to keep this show afloat, keep the pace up! Go on.
...Right... well, uhh...
Karl, are you hungover as well or .
Do you know, I'm just a bit annoyed, 'cos I'm with you.
Do y' know what I mean?
He hasn't got much to do all week...
You're having a laugh.
What angers me is I kind of hoped that maybe I could have quite a long career in radio, and I sort of feel like I'm... I don't know, the words 'sinking ship'-
Those words spring to mind.
'Cos if you... Karl, you're just a chancer anyway, you weren't even supposed to be on air and we made you into something of a household name and that's cool.
And Ricky's already a celebrity, he's got it stitched up, he's got coroporates, he's got you know, voiceover work, but I've got nothing, I'm running on empty I've got... You know, I'm not... nothing, I've got nothing, I'm sort of dependent a bit on this, financially and...
And...you two are sort of bringing it down really.
Do you reckon I could get my own show, Karl?
Karl, Karl, Karl. Tell him what, no, Karl, Karl, tell him how funny I was out there with the bin, that... a minute ago.
So anyway, come on, right.
I'm bored of this.
Tell you what. Will we tease them with what we've got coming up next.
Yep, Karl, tease us after the next record.
'Cos I think we've already got 'em for two hours.
Yep, yep, we've hooked them Karl, don't worry, this is textbook radio.
What's this? Badly Drawn Boy?
Song: Badly Drawn Boy - You Were Right
Pete Horton's In It
Badly Drawn Boy, you were right, Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl you were saying, what's coming up.
Right, over the next 2 hours then... last week was a bit of a mess...
Don't be silly.
... So I sorted it out. Same features, uhhhh...
I think that was the reason it was a mess to be honest.
You tightened it, you tightened it, you tightened the ship.
Tightened it up, tightened it up, and also, keeping people for longer.
Right, tell me your, tell me your plans, tell me your ethos, then.
What've you come up with then? Always show your workings, Karl.
Always show your workings, Karl.
Alright then. So last week we started a good sort of play on words we had going...
The well known film Educating Rita.
That's become, thanks to Karl Pilkington's brain, it's become..
I've..I've tweaked it a bit and now it's educating ricky
Right. And that was a new feature we started last week if you weren't listening. Where I teach ricky stuff.
What did you teach me?
Uh, I taught you about that little Chinese hairy kid.
Yeah, you didn't teach me anything. You said there was a kid that was born a little slightly hairier than other Chinese people.
I taught you where the saying "Chewing the Fat" came from.
I enjoyed that. That was good.
That was good, that was interesting.
And a man who had a beard 'cause he had been abducted for 3 days.
Again that was rubbish.
Lest we forget.
That taught me more about you than about alien abduction.
..But what happened last week is...
..uh we sort of talked about it all in one go and you can't...
Where as this week you've done what, you've spread it out over the chat
Well I've spread it across the two hours...
...'cause I've always found that if you're trying to be taught to much in one go you just can't take it in and it will be wasted.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Is that your experience at school?
Yeah that's, yeah.
They taught you in three minute bursts-
Yeah and not every day...every other month.
Yeah when you felt like it.
Right so that's what we're gonna do, right? Uhh...
So we've got Educating Ricky coming up that's exciting stuff.
Educating Ricky across the two hours.
Looking forward to it.
And what I do is... I've made little headlines again and you decide which story you wanna know first.
All of 'em. Right give me the first headline.
No no no, not yet. We'll do that in a bit-
Well give me a teaser!
Hang on a minute I'm telling you what else.
Oh hurry up...
We've also got...we've also got, we started it last week...Rock-Rockbusters.
Oh yeah that was a triumph.
I think we went wrong there...
By letting you do it?
Doing it on air?
Not thinking it through.
Bit of that.
Okay so what's the rules on Rockbusters?
We're gonna do Rockbusters but you e-mail in firstname.lastname@example.org when you know the answers, right? And sort of round near the end of the show we'll give out the answers so they've got to hang about.
Rick, I should tell you now umm don't-
I'm-I'm not hangin' about.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Don't think that the listeners are going to go away empty handed...
I was worried about that, I was worried about that.
I can tell you, don't worry, because Karl has sorted out some top quality prizes.
Uhm, first up is...
This is stuff that people can win, pretty excited about this, first up is a DVD of The Office.
I don't know how he got hold of it cause they are like gold dust.
This is uhm, this is the second gift now bear in mind he's - I don't know where he's rummaging these from...this is an XFM compilation album. He's managed to sort that out somehow, I don't know how he's managed to sort that out.
Oooh yeah. Excellent.
There's another compilation album which is got some sort of indie type hits of-
Haven't we got a film to give away?
Well I'm glad you asked cause -
What film though because-
I know you're a big fan of DVD's.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
It's one of the big hot releases that everyones getting their hands on...
Ricky and Steve laugh
Yeah...Arbritary is it? This film title won't be an arbritary film will it'll be a big-
Rick, I don't want you thinking that the film that Karl has sorted out, that he sourced for us is some arbritary thing that you wouldn't get, you could buy for 3.99 in HMV. Right, they're giving these away...
Yeah. Like in one of those big baskets...
Exactly. I don't know who is phoning up to try and win this but you can be, uh, a lucky winner.
If this is your favourite film - it's yours.
Exactly. But yeah this is uhm, this is the big uhm star prize, the one you're all playing for...
What is it?
It's 'Children of the Corn'.
Stephen King's, 'Children of the Corn' it's a widescreen- widescreen presenation on DVD.
Imagine getting that and going "Excellent, we can watch this now!"
But Rick, I mean let me just run through some of the cast... Peter Horton.
Peter Hortons in it. And eh.. that uh..
I'll tell you what, I don't want to give it away if Hort in it.
I'd love to see his performance again.
Also Linda Hamilton I know you're all familar with her.
Linda Hamilton, she plays, she plays a piece of corn.
Exactly. I've not seen Children of the Corn I could be wrong but uhm it says uhh it's amazing.
Karl, when you were rooting around in the office why didn't you start throwing like a mousemat and a pair of scissors and a pencil because that is just abirtary that.
That's an abritary selection there.
That's next weeks stuff.
But also I should say we also have some, this is a bit more exciting, we've also got some tickets for DJ Shadow who is performing at the Brixton Academy this evening.
Yeah. He's good ain't he? He's good at DJ ing.
He's very good at DJ ing.
Plays all the records that you want.
Don't-don't-don't bring your own he's got them all. I've seen him arrive he's got two big bags on 'im.
Yep. So there's uh three pairs of DJ Shadow tickets we'll give those away later just don't start phoning arbritarily we'll give them away in our own spare time-
Is there any lemonade?
I need some lemonade.
Okay well while we sort of some lemonade let's play a tune.
C'mon Karl don't- what's wrong?
Song: Ryan Adams - Nuclear
I've Just Nicked Five of Your DVDs
Ryan Adams from his new album 'Demolition'.
A track called 'Nuclear'.
Yeah. I just [incomprehensible] found a new way of making it more exciting, when you're talking about summet I'll go "Yeah, brilliant" agreeing with ya, making it all interesting!
Well it's a really good album that. Apparently it's just a collection of songs and demos he's had lying around.
Aw...I wish I had that. You know we're giving away those DVD's and Children of the Corn?
Look forward to that, Children of the Corn!
I've got an interesting anecdote about The Office. Karl, me and Karl went out right and uh, me and Jane and Karl and Johnny and Jiji wasn't it?
No, no. No. Jiji wasn't there.
Is it important who was there?
No. But we're walking down the street and, Karl was there he can back me up on this, we had a curry we were walking back and uh this funny little homeless fella, didn't he?
He uh- oh I've got to tell you first before I go "didn't he?"
He came up to me right and he recognized me,[laughs and stammers] talking is more diffcult than you think right, he came up to me and he went "Aw, I've just nicked one of your DVD's from HMV!" and he shook my hand. He was so happy with it and I went "Right. Excellent." and he went "All I do is just swing the bag over the top like that when I'm going out" and he had a bag of DVD's didn't he and he was so pleased to tell me that he'd stolen...isn't that great?
He said "they're going like hotcakes!"
He said they're going like - Of course they are!
You're nicking them!
We get paid for them though, don't we?
Not the stolen ones.
No! What do you mean? Did you sign them for him?
I bet you would you idiot! So uhm, he just nicked five... and you say he's homeless was he?
Well I don't know he, maybe...
Surely how would he have seen the show? He just walked past Currys one morning
Dixons yeah, telly on yeah.
Saw the trailer for it, thought "Interesting".
Don't know if he was homeless. Didn't go into his home life.
Sure. You shook his hand though and...
He made Karl look smart. Do you know what I mean? So uh... but he wasn't northern though was he?
No he was like...uh, do you know in the fast show Paul Whitehouse that character, that shady character?
Like that, the spit of that. Ponytail, t-shirt on a bit too big for him, and just the movement and everything like uh, y'know a Cockney little cheeky chap type person.
Little Cockney cheeky chap, yeah.
Yeah he just said "Aw, it's you!" said uh "Got your DVD's, got six of 'em from HMV going like hotcakes they are!" then he went off whistlin'. Well chuffed with himself.
"Goin' like hotcakes..."
Yeah. What's he gonna do with them then? Probably sell 'em. How does he sell them?! Where does he sell them? Does he go up to people and ask "do you want The Office DVD? They're not nicked. Four quid".
Yeah exactly. "Are these stolen?" "Noo"
"No no no no no no" "They've still got the tags on 'em".
Well it's like those people who uhm, you know those cab drivers who you meet at sort of three in the morning who just got a car and just went out with a car.
And just went "yeah I'll pick people up and charge 'em".
I got in one once and I said to him eh, the guy just pulled up and I was in east London going back to north London, I said uh "Going back to Swiss Cottage". He went "Sure, hop in!" We set off, he went "Do you know the way?"
I said "Not really no, I thought you know you're a cabbie aren't you? He went "No, don't really know the way there". I said "Do you have an A-Z?" He went "No". I thought if you're gonna go out, you know, just winging it take two things: a map and a torch. He didn't have either.
He said "Uh, well I can probably get to Camden". I said "Alright, I'll direct you from there". Drove on for about five minutes making conversation. About five minutes later he went "Do you know the way to Camden?"
"I thought you knew the way to Camden!" "I don't really know the way, I thought I knew" It was ludicr-!
Oooh let me out. Four quid.
Yeah, exactly. I don't know who's got sort of that time on their hands that they just think "It's three in the morning. I'm at a loose end. I think I'll go out and do a bit of cabbing".
Well... you know.
Because your dad was a cabbie wasn't he?
Yeah he was yeah. Couldn't stand it but it was good money.
But he was profess-he wasn't like a chancer though was he?
What was he- what was he doing when he put the little forrest gump in a wheelie bin?
That was uh, part of the cab company thing. They had to do a charity event once a year and he did it one year...never asked him again.
Tell us the story again. I know you already-
I'd rather not because uh, we got a few sort of uh, got some complaints about it.
Why? Why'd you get complaints about it?
Because he put a kid in a bin and it's not the thing to do.
But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson to people.
Yeah, tell it like uh tell it like you know, you shouldn't do it.
Nah that's how I did it last time but people still didn't like it. All the stuff I tell ya, you know, I don't take the mickey out of people on purpose it's real life innit and that goes on in life. I was saying that in hospital though, you know he was in hospital and he did some jokes about old people an' that and he said "At the end of the day, if something makes you laugh it's funny. And if it makes you laugh, you can't help laughing. You know what I mean? So... what are you meant to do?
Ricky and Steve laugh awkwardly
And laughing is good for ya so..
Well being laughed at isn't as good for you is it?
No, but there's probably more people laughing at one person so if you balance it out there's only one person who's upset and one person who's laughing. So it's-
That's genius! Give me and example of that, give me an example.
Well for example, Karl Pilkington talking and the people listening.
Yeah, yeah... no. C'mon give me an little example of.... y'know.
Well I can't because again, that's what I'm saying, I can't tell you the story because there might be someone out there who... this person might be listening and think "I forgot about that and you've brought it all back to me now".
So I'd prefer to leave it but I think people know that-
Why'd he put him in the bin in the first place?
Because he was getting out of hand.
What was he doing though?
You see I can't explain without-
You can, don't be silly!
I'd prefer to leave it honestly.
What was he doing, annoying him?
He was annoying me dad and the other people in the cab.
And he thought "How can I deal with this before it gets too out of hand?"
He pulled over... and put the lad... in a wheelie bin.
Ricky laughs almost silently
I'm gonna burst!
So...we'll leave that...
Yeah. Yeah. How old was the kid?
Ehm... not sure but it was a trip to sort of Blackpool so I'm guessing...
Did he think it was one of the rides? "This is rubbish!"
Oh, so he was quite an old lad then.
Did he pick him up?
He picked him up and put him in a wheelie bin.
Everytime he says it I can't...
And then on the way back he got him back again and said "Right, you won't do that again".
"On the way back"?!
Yeah he left him there for a bit.
He left him there, what, they went to Blackpool and left the kid in a wheelie bin?
What, was the kid in the wheelie bin on the way back? Did he not get out?
Yeah... no, it's tricky innit and he wasn't a normal kid was he and - let's leave it...
Ricky and Steve Laugh
"He wasn't a normal kid"?
Right...right then so uh...
Is your father in prison?
I think he should be!
Can I put a song on?
Yeah... go on then.
Song: Nirvana - Come As You Are
Flea to Glasgow
You're Obsessed with Puns
Have You Heard That One About Worms
What's Tomato With You
Cold Play, Scientist, on XFM 104.9. Right. Competition, innit?
No, it's Educating Ricky part two.
Oh, is it? I wasn't even listening. He's doing all the work, I wasn't even listening. Oh, I nearly spilt some water now on that. What's this one again, then?
What's the er, teaser headline?
Teaser headline is "What's tomato with you?"
Go on, then.
How excited were you when you came up with that? You couldn't wait to tell us, could you? He-hee!
I think it's a good one because you won't forget it now, will you? Like the worm one. What's special about the worm?
A lot of people think that if you cut a worm in half, two worms will grow, but no, what happens is, if you cut the head end slightly nearer the tail than the head, the tail will die but the worm with the head will be ok, so it's exploded a myth and taught me something.
Right, so, the second one, part two of Educating Ricky, uh, "What's tomato with you?"
What this one's about is, er... ages ago...
Ricky and Steve laugh.
There's never a date, there's never a country...
I love the attention to detail! OK, settle down children, this is A-level History. Right.
"Once upon a time..."
Yeah, yeah. "When a mental place with swords was a king, forget his name, but he was a loony, uh, so, and it was literally ages ago. So er, good luck in the exam!"
So like, you know, all right, many years ago...
Oh yes, yeah yeah yeah, cleared that up, go on.
They thought tomatoes were poisonous.
Ricky sniggers. Steve laughs.
Right? Because what they-
Hold on, are they going to be proved wrong at the end of this story?
Because I don't want to give away the ending, but... is it something to do with the... are they poisonous, tomatoes?
Oh, you're having a laugh.
I don't believe it.
Go on, go on.
I could have been eating tomatoes all this time!
Oh, Steve, what's tomato with you, anyway?
OK, so, wait a minute.
Oh, “what’s tomato with you?”.
Let’s just recap quickly, recap quickly. Many years ago, when people thought tromatoes were poisonous…
Go on, yeah.
They didn’t know they were poisonous then because they were still eating them. But what was happening was-
Well they’re not.
But they’re not poisonous.
Ah! But hang on a minute…
All right, I’m not going- I’m just going to listen. I’m not going to talk now.
OK, I’m not going to talk anymore.
So, if you remember, years ago, they didn’t have, like, pottery plates.
They had lead plates, right?
What are you talking about?
Just let him talk-
Sorry, what year is this?
Let him talk…
Plates made out of lead, and what they’d end up doing, they’d say, “Right, do you want a tomato?” and they’d go, “Yeah, all right,” and they’d put the tomato on the lead plate and cut it, and because of the acid in the tomato, right, it would sort of… er, sort of, make the lead runny, and the lead would go into the tomato, and they’d say, “Oh, it’s lovely this,” and they’d be eating it, they’d get food poisoning, lead poisoning and what have you, and they’d be really ill. So they thought tomatoes were poisonous so they didn’t eat them for many years.
And when you say they, do you mean the people of Narnia?
Yeah! This didn’t happen, Karl.
Where was this happening?
Err… sort of in Britain… and that.
You put him on the spot there! Oh, I hope there’s no uppity pupils in this school when they go, “What do you mean, sir?”—“Oh, if you’re gonna… oh, I’m fed up with you…”
Do you understand?
So, so- the, the-
First of all, Karl, where did you get this information from?
Where did I get that…
'Fortean Times' as well?
You can’t remember.
I don’t know where I got that from.
Ricky and Steve snigger.
But… what I don’t… why don’t you think it makes sense?
But, what? Somoeone once got lead poisoning from a tomato?
Not just one, loads, and then all of a sudden…
Why is this educating me?
Because I’m telling you that tomatoes used to…
But I can’t take anything away from this! I don’t know what to take away from this! What have I learnt? What have I learnt? Don’t mix lead with tomatoes?
Why is this educational in any shape or form? What are you talk- what are you telling me?
Ricky taps the desk.
“A long time ago in the land of Glunk, right, where the Ninnies did slib, right, they thought tomatoes were poisonous because they ate of plates of lead!” What are you talking about?
We all know tomatoes aren’t poisonous.
Both: Ricky and Steve laugh.}}
What are you talking about?
Is that what we’re taking from the story?
Is that the moral of the story? Don’t believe these people that I’d never heard of before? What are you talking about, Karl?
I just… I think it’s a bit weird.
I think it’s a bit weird, yeah!
Is this the same people who were spreading those malicious worm rumours?
My hangover’s coming back. I’ve got to get some water. Play a record--that was rubbish.
Don't Go and Be Murdered
Just Look Better
It Was Pushing People Off Their Bikes
Karl starts telling a story
There's a shadow somewhere, no right, thers a shadow, I think it's in America, it's on a quiet road, i'm guessing somewhere like Boston,...
Somewhere like Boston, and people at night used to see this shadow moving about and they'd go "what's that?", right, and it got known, the little local town got known for this shadow, but it didn't cause any problems
What are you talking about?
You've lost me
No, d'you know like some places get famous, like Scotland's got the loch ness monster, an' that, but it doesn't cause any problems
Right, so theres this shadow walking about on the road
What do you mean? ...again, rubbish, nonsense, where did you read this?
THIS was on the INTERNET.
OH, SORRY! I thought it was sh*te! ..I didn't know it was on the internet
So this shadow was moving about
Independently of an object?
Yeh, and the local mayor, an' that, is like, "yeh, it's a bit weird, but it's not harming anyone"
HAHAHA, the mayor involved
He was elected to that post?
(American accent)"Hey, mayor we got a problem down here, seems like a shadow","Well its not causing anybody probems"
But that's the thing, it was left for years, and then it did start causing problems
I see that's it, if you leave these shadows to go unchecked, Rick, they go crazy, you let them run amock in the city, you've got to stamp down on roaming shadows
Yeh, what did the shadow do?
It was pushing people off their bikes!