21 June 2003
1. It Wasn't Even a Holiday (0:00:00)
Ricky loves The Darkness. Jools Holland wasn't allowed to play boogie woogie. Karl starts in early ripping on Steve's thrift. Steve's last holiday was in Cuba, where they'll do anything for a dollar. Karl begins to report on his trip to Cornwall, which has a lot of "messed up old people". A woman with a bad neck and Suzanne as Karl's mummy. They tried to set up a meeting but Steve wouldn't go.
2. Monkey Spotted Holidaying in Cornwall (0:05:09)
A listener has sent in a clever email. Ricky and Steve had asked the listeners to annoy Karl on email but they sent all of them to Ricky. Karl recounts his attempt to visit Monkey World, but it wasn't Monkey World so Karl aborted the mission. They went to an amusement park instead, and Karl's dad wanted to follow a fat family into the House of Mirrors. Karl's mam bought a figurine for £2.99. Karl's into tanks. Don't waste money on funerals.
3. Build A Big Horse, Hide Inside It (0:11:47)
Steve brings up The Trojan Horse story, about which Karl is not familiar. Ricky and Steve don't think it was such a great idea and riff other possibilities. Sort of an informal Educating Karl.
4. Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts (0:17:31)
Karl imagines Christmas Day would be rubbish per an expression he's just learned. You may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Don't try to teach your granny to suck eggs. Don't nudge your granny when she's shaving. Horrifying innuendo about Karl's granny depilating her nether regions. Steve reads the Rockbusters prizes. Ricky guesses which songs are on a compilation based on the band. Karl reads the clues.
5. I Love Your Family (0:24:50)
A story about Karl's 18 year old father who worked on a Manchester train and caused £3-4m damage. The station was shut for 4 weeks, he hurt his wrist, and got paid for 3 weeks off sick. Ricky and Steve love it.
6. Unlikely Lust Objects (0:28:55)
More empty threats from Ricky about Rockbusters. Karl reads the Rockbusters clues again, this time with feeling. How does Karl get so many holidays? Karl's dad and Suzanne played crib but Karl's not good enough at maths to play. Karl researched swingers in one of Suzanne's magazines and has some thoughts. Women still get crushes. "Lanky co-writer" has finally made a list. Karl wouldn't waste his time on the woman who wrote the list.
7. Is She a Swinger (0:35:19)
Did Steve make the freak list? The woman who wrote the list has emailed in, quite offended. Karl has another diss for her. Lisa Riley jokes.
8. Apparently She Cried When She Finished the Last One (0:38:01)
Ricky and Steve hate adults who read Harry Potter. Steve overheard some waiting outside Waterstones in Hampstead. Back to the woman who made the list and Karl is scared to say anymore. He's suddenly attracted to her picture. Karl didn't read Harry Potter because he confused it with Beatrix Potter. Karl's mam used to make up stories for Karl as a kid, including one about a little red car and another about a kid who had two dogs.
9. The Worst You've Ever Done (0:43:42)
Karl finishes his mam's dog story. Even the mental fans aren't getting the Rockbusters clues. Karl's got the answers and what answers they are. Dire Steaks?
10. Had To Thump It In the Head (0:51:28)
Monkey News this week is provided by Karl's dad, who had a mate with a chimp who tried it on with his wife. Once when Karl's dad went over the house, the chimp answered the door. A Monkey News Extra is the etymology of the expression "monkey business". Ricky is in hysterics and Karl tries to end the show but Steve won't let him.
If you're going to France by a boat, I'd get your fags on there 'cause it's a lot cheaper. B.F.
This little foreign cafe is growing its own steak. D.
The Jamaican fella might have screamed this on the Titanic. C.D.
Karl: The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.
Ricky: So we've got nothing prepared for this show?
Karl: Well, you can rely on Rockbusters.
Steve: We've got nothing.
a listener: Does Karl have any Trojan in him?
Karl: "Lanky co-writer ... "
Steve: What do you mean, 'lanky co-writer'?
Karl: Well, do I need to say any more?
Karl: Turns out it was another load of monkeys from another part of the island...from the rough bit...
(Ricky and Steve laugh)
Ricky: From the rough bit! From the rough bit! I love it! They went to a middle class area!
Steve: They're the ones with the leather jackets and the ear rings!
The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock
Coldplay - God Put a Smile Upon Your Face
Placebo - This Picture
Nelly feat. City Spud - Ride with Me
Blur - Out of Time
Evanescence - Bring Me to Life
The Thrills - Big Sur
British Sea Power - Carrion
Van Halen - Jump
The Cardigans - You're the Storm
Suede - Animal Nitrate
- Cornwall Monkey Sanctuary Official Website
|Series 0 | Series 1 | Series 2 | Series 3 | Series 4|
|Presenters||Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington|
|Others||Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost|
|Features|| Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers |
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...
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