23 November 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 23 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2


Contents

MTV Karl

Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Zephyr Song

Ricky: Red Hot Chili Peppers on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant...

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington...

Karl: All right.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Don't be nervous, uh, we- we might see a difference in Karl, he's a little shy, um, there's someone here from the BBC filming this part of that celebrity boxing thing, "The Fight", I think it's called and they're... they want to get a little clip of this so we're gonna let 'em film for a minute and then they're gonna go away. Is that all right Karl?

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: He doesn't want, he doesn't want to be on camera, do ya? Do ya?

Karl: I think it ruins radio, dunnit?

Steve Laughs

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well not for the people listening, it doesn't.

Karl: Yeah, but it does because people are like "Ooooh, that- he sounds like a bit of a looker."

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What, you?

Karl: Yeah, and then they'll see it on the telly and they'll go, "God, yeah, you know, his head is round."

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It is round though, innit?

Karl: So...

Ricky: Guess what? I got a call yesterday, um- you'll love this Steve...

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: From MTV and uh, they were wonderin' if um, they could screen test Karl.

Steve: That's outrageous.

Ricky: I'm lovin' it and I was goin', "Yeah and I come" - I said, "Yeah, yeah it is fine. I'll come down with him" and I was sayin', "What about this, that and that" and they were lovin' it, I called him up and he went, "Oh nooo", I went, "Why not?", he went "Well, I'm looking at my reflection now in the mirror", he said, "I shouldn't be on the telly".

Steve: What would you wear for your screen test, Karl? What kind of look would you try to cultivate, 'cause you've got to bear in mind that the audience out there, they don't know what you look like, so would you be a snappy dresser like say, Jonathan Ross, or would you go for your kind of street-cas look--

Karl: Can't, can't, can't wear a suit. Don't--

Steve: You can't wear a suit?

Karl: Don't hold it well.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So I'm thinking, uhh... I don't know, I'll probably wear me wooly hat cuz that takes some years off me.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: It does, he looks about 10 with a wooly hat on.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And uhm--

Steve: Is it quite a cool wooly hat or has it got a bobble?

Karl: It's charcoal. I'd say it's the "in"- "in" color.

Steve: I-In, yeah, yeah, okay.

Karl: Umm, and I'd probably wear me, uh, me anorak.

Ricky: Oooooohhh, he's goin' for the- he's goin' for glam!

Steve: He's goin' for the wooly hat and anorak look!

Ricky: He's going for quite a glam look! Oooh!

Karl: No one else has done it.

Ricky: Dressed for a jumble sale!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Wow.... yeah!

Karl: But I'm not- I'm not that happy about it all, to be honest.

Steve: Are you gonna do it? You're not gonna do it?

Karl: Well... I'm sort of stuck in the middle, cuz, throughout my life so far...

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: I've always just- I've never planned for anything, right, it's just always happened.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: The time -- ya know what I mean? -- bein' in plays at school - never planned it, but when I did it, I went down a storm.

Steve: It was a triumph, yeah we all remember that.

Karl: So...

Ricky: As I remember you did "Little Donkey"?

Karl: Did "Little Donkey", yeah.

Ricky: And then later someone was filming at the back - was it your dad's mate?

Karl: Me dad's mate.

Ricky: Yeah and on the camcorder- he listened to it back- watched him playing it- his dad says... just off-camera... What's he say?

Karl: I don't wanna say it cuz I'm in charge of the show, and I th- it'd be irresponsible.

Ricky: "He looks like a right twat."

Steve Laughs

Karl: So... I, I --

Ricky: And so he gets home, list- watchin' that and then hears his dad just off-camera go, "He looks like a right twat."

Steve Laughs

Karl: Yeah, all right, yeh.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What are ya worried about? You're dad sayin' that or the word--

Steve: Can I just interject because I'm really worried about this idea of Karl being on MTV because the problem is that, you know, let's be honest Rick, I mean we're, we're gettin' by the skin of our teeth, aren't we really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's only Karl that's keeping this afloat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And if he gets on MTV and the world sort of gets a sense of him and they understand him and, and he, he won't be ours anymore, we won't be able to control him, he'll be out there, he'll be in the--

Karl: No, no, no, no--

Ricky: Well, that, that's the thing- no- that's the thing, that's the terrible thing though, isn't it? It's like Karl is my pet but I realize I've got to release him into the wild sorta--

Steve: Into the wild--

Ricky: And, you know, because I love him, I know he's gotta go free--

Steve: (Laughing) Sure.

Ricky: But I wanna, I want--

Steve: Yeah, it's like "Kes".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Maybe someone will beat him to death and we won't have to worry.

Ricky Laughs Harder

Karl: I'll have you on though, I'll have you on as a guest.

Steve Laughs

Steve: What--

Karl: Which gets me on to something we've got coming up today.

Ricky: Oh yeah, he's got a new idea.

Karl: Yeah--

Steve: Right.

Karl: Ehm, do you know, like- I've talked about ghosts and we had that good discussion the other week walking to--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Piccadilly Circus Station, yeah?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I was telling you about ghosts and you were saying, "Karl, don't be an idiot" and all that. Uhh, spoke to a woman in the week. Done a little interview with her--

Steve: You've done a little interview? Brilliant.

Karl: Done a little interview. Two minutes or so with, uhh...

Steve: Okay.

Karl: With a woman who's, who's got ghosts in her house.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: So, uhhh...

Steve: I look forward to hearing that later, that sounds brilliant.

Karl: Got that coming up later!

Ricky: Well I'm gonna play a classic tune now. I've- I've just gone straight for it, I've gone for the jugular, this is "Ziggy Stardust" by David Bowie.

Song: David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust


Steve Wants Revenge

Ricky: "Ziggy Stardust" by David Bowie on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl's also nervous because he had a bit of shock last week, didn't ya?

Karl: Just a little bit.

Ricky: His, uh, his dad tuned in.

Steve: To the show?

Ricky: Yeah. Um, and Karl's never told him that he actually speaks on the show, he just says, "I press the buttons", right. He's kept him from it. You used to do radio before, you never told him did ya?

Karl: No.

Ricky: It's because the "Little Donkey" incident.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: When you went on stage--

Steve: Was that the "twat" incident?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And so he's never told him since but... but they've promised not to listen, haven't they?

Karl: Well, me dad said.... uhhh, me mam said to me, "Don't worry, don't be put off this week"--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Cuz umm...

Steve Laughs

Karl: You know, "I've told him he can't listen." But I heard me dad in the background kind going, "Bollocks!"

Steve Laughs

Karl: So, he might be listening. So that's extra pressure. Plus a camera crew in.

Ricky: I know! You don't like it, do ya?

Steve: This is good training for MTV cuz then he can watch you on TV and what's he gonna make of that?

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Does he know you're bald?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: You don't keep your hat on when you're with him and say, "Oh, no I just press the buttons", huh?

Karl: It's just, it's just, you know, it's like when, when I was in any plays I didn't tell him...

Ricky: No.

Karl: Ehm, any sort of parents evening, I never gave him the note.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Really?!

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: So what did the teacher - so you were just an orphan?

Karl: No, just on an off-chance, um, my mate's dad spoke to me dad once, I think, and sort of said, "Oh, you goin' to school to see how", you know, "your kid's doin'?", he was like, "What are you talkin' about?"

Ricky Snickers

Karl: He said, "There's a parents evening." So he went--

Ricky: He said, "What kid?"

Karl: He went to one and that's when Mrs. Matthews said I'd never be a high flyer.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: How wrong was she?!

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: I think we should call Mrs. Matthews and make her eat her words.

Karl: Well...

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Uhhhh, she'll turn on to MTV one- I don't know like their- their "slammin' session"--

Steve and Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And there- go- and go, "That's young Pilkington!"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "He's bald but it's definitely him!"

Steve: "I recognize that wooly hat!"

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Um, did you see "Celebrity Fit Club" yesterday?

Steve: I missed it. I didn't watch any TV this week- the only TV I watched was, um, "Are You Good In Bed?"... I already knew the answer.

Ricky: Was it- you have to tick points?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It was "No".

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I was off the scale.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: Well, talkin' of "off the scales" - Rick Waller.

Steve: Really? He's not- what's happened?

Ricky: Well, what he did is, he lost, he lost weight and they couldn't believe it and he had a big argument with Harvey and they said, "Go, never come back to-", right, and then he got to weigh in and he'd lost, sort of, like, 10 pounds or sommat.

Karl: Tshhh.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And, uh, they were really- they said, "You've been starving yourself, haven't ya?" and he admitted it... and uhm--

Steve: But he just really wasn't wearing his underpants.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. But, um, but he was whinging all the time. I was watching it- he was doing a press, he was goin', "Aw, I've hurt me arm". Then he was going, "I feel sick". And then he was going, um- and he was just lying all the time about whether he was doing the routine and what- about what he was eatin' and stuff and I thought, "That's me" because I had the "Celebrity Box-"

Steve: Yeah, it sounds like you. It sounds like you.

Ricky: It is, because it's sort of like- and they go, "How's it going? You haven't had a drink this week?" and I go, "Nooo."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Hadn't had a beer this week, nooo. "Did you do the excersise today?" and I go, "Yup. Yeah, I've done all that, done all that, done all that".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I try to get out of the sparring because it hurts, because there's a man hitting me in the face for fun, umm--

Steve: Right... the... cuz you know that's what boxing is? You are aware that--

Ricky: Again, that is- being hit- yeah. I like all the, I like all the bits... except the being hit. I don't even mind hitting someone!

Steve: Right, so you--

Ricky: I'd- I'd be willing to hit someone.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: It's the getting hit that I don't like.

Steve: Cuz I know you're a big fan of... umm... like, wearing the clothes, the sort of sporty gear, I know you love--

Ricky: I'm looking good aren't I?

Steve: You look good and you've obviously spent their money.

Ricky: They've- they've give- no- no, they gave me this for training.

Steve: Oh, that's free of - free of charge!

Ricky: This was free for training.

Steve: So I know that's a perk you love.

Ricky: So, uh...

Steve: And I know you like, um, kind of, the uh, the sort of, the various sort of nutritional drinks you've got to drink, I know you're a big fan of those.

Ricky: I love the protein shake cuz it tastes like chocolate.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: D'ya know what? I've put on a couple of pounds since I've been doing this training.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: I think it is the extra meal and uhh--

Steve: So you're adding the protein but not working out enough--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To, to take it off again.

Ricky: Yeah, but I th- I think I've umm, I have actually changed a bit. I've got a, a umm, inch on my chest but an inch off my waist, so even though I've put on weight, I- there must be a little bit of muscle happening.

Steve: Uh huh, uh huh.

Ricky: Somewhere...

Steve: So I- so just to- to recap there slightly: you- you're enjoying all the trappings of boxing--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But not the boxing.

Ricky: Not the gettin' hit in the nose.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That's the one--

Steve: And you are aware that that's what will- that's what will be happening during the actual fight?

Ricky: No, because I've got a cunning plan.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: I'm gonna n...... duck and dive.

Steve: Just- yeah.

Ricky: Bob and weave- dance.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: I'm gonna dance.

Steve: Well I read in the paper yesterday - I don't know how much truth there is - that uh, Grant Bovey is recruited celebrity hypnotist Paul McKenna--

Ricky Coughs

Steve: To help him win.

Ricky: Yeah, could be true.

Steve: So I don't know if that's of any- because I know that you've got- haven't you got ehm- haven't you got, uh, Spit the Dog--

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I have got Spit the--

Steve: a couple of ventriloquists and an impressionist on your side.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. I've got Pork Pie from "Desmond's"--

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Just getting me trained--

Steve: Yeah in your corner.

Ricky: Mentally. Yeah. Well, I don't know, it's all a bit of fun and--

Steve: What do you reckon, Karl? Do you think he's uh, in with a chance?

Karl: W- well what's- what's McKenna gonna be doin'? Is like Grant Bovey gonna be turnin' into a chicken and... you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, he's gonna do an Elvis impression--

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And take off his pants.

Ricky: If I say the right words.

Steve: No, I think it's probably- he's probably just gonna have him focus and--

Ricky: Yeah, he's- he's- yeah he's- he does that- yeah I think there's lots of sports psychologists at the moment getting people- so I'm sure it's uhh, I'm sure it's valid - if it's true - I'm sure it's uh, fine.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: But, I've been- I've been- I've been getting tuned mentally learning how to hit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That was my method. Eating and hitting, I think is...

Steve: And do you workout to any music? I mean, do you put on the "Rocky" soundtrack? Because, I know you've got um--

Ricky: No. It's--

Steve: A special CD with all- music from all five films, haven't you?

Ricky: No, but don't- no, it's all- it's um- I think they have the radio on down there but you don't hear it. It's- all you hear is people shouting, saying things like, "That's not like a fighter!" and me going, "I'm not a fighter!"

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I'm a comedian!

Steve: And is it quite intimidating down there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean do they- I mean I'm sure they're nice people but is it like--

Ricky: It's- I mean I'm getting used to it now but it is- it is- it is a different world and I was quite scared and I- I didn't like --

Steve: When you say, "it's a different world", is it like, is it like they're gangsters? I mean, is it kind of--

Ricky: NO! No. No, no, no.

Steve: I don't mean- I just mean, has it got that feel, you know when you see it in films they walk into those places and, you know, they're kind of, they're hard nuts and there's that feel like--

Ricky: Well they're, I mean, well they're, they're all, you know, they're all ex-boxers and stuff so, yeah, but I mean- but no they're not- they're- no- that's- that's not what I mean, I--

Steve: I suppose it's like they're real men.

Ricky: Well yeah and um, they- they don't- they don't understand, really, that I'm- I don't like getting hit on the nose. And they say, "Well, no one gets hit on the nose" and it took me a long time to get over that- just, just taking a couple of punches.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I wanted to rule it out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, umm, but you know, it's okay now. And of course they're- I know they're moddy-coddling me, they're not- they're using about 25% power where--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I'm still--

Steve: And you wear the head gear, do you?

Ricky: Oh yeah! Yeah, and the gum shield, yeah. I wanted to wear a crash helmet--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: But they said, "No"... and carry a baseball bat and they said that, that's technically illegal.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: But I'm looking forw- I'm a changed man, Karl. What have we got coming up?

Karl: Got a bit of a, uhh, Death In Vegas with vocals from Liam Gallagher.

Steve: Final question for you Rick:...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Do you think you'll carry on boxing after this is finished?

Ricky: Competitively?

Steve: No, no, no, just the training and stuff and--

Ricky: Yeah, I'll do training.

Steve: Do you think so?

Ricky: Yeah, I love the- I love the training, I love learning the- the skills and that and I do enjoy the training. I don't- I don't relish getting punched around and I'm not- I'm not worried about the fight at all, I'm really looking forward to the- the fight because um, Grant's a novice like me. It's just when you get in with an ex-pro who you know could destroy you any--

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So you're scared of him and you know, they never lose their rag and they're really cool and they're really nice and they'd never act- they'd never even hit me by mistake but even just tapping you, like that--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: In the face - hurts.

Steve: It's just- I was walking down Finchley Road the other day and a couple of sixth-formers said, "Oy, yah lanky goggle-eyed freak" and I just wondered if maybe you could pop 'round and have a word with them?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I will, I will.

Steve: With some of your friends.

Ricky: Yeah... an enemy of yours is an enemy of mine.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Good.

Song: Death In Vegas feat. Liam Gallagher - Scorpio Rising


Karl's Mam Is Soup-perb

Ricky: "Scorpio Rising" - Death in Vegas on XFM 104.9. Steve...

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, Karl... Karl was a little bit more- less stressed now. The camera crew have gone, his dad's not listening... we think.

Steve: Ah, well yeah... who knows.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: But uh, you're chilled.

Karl: I'll tell you what though, me uhh, me mum's lovin' it.

Steve: Is she?

Karl: D'ya, d'ya know Rockbusters?

Steve: I love- do I know Rockbusters?! I love Rockbusters. I think- I dream of it.

Karl: She was takin' part. I mean, she doesn't know a lot of the, the new bands and that, but she, uhh, she made some up for, uhh, some older bands and that.

Steve: Oh, she- she did some herself?

Karl: She made some herself. Sent 'em in the post.

Steve: So are you gonna use them today?

Karl: Ehhm, she's not quite got the hang of it.

Steve: That's okay.

Ricky: Un- Unlike her genius son.

Steve: Have you got them now? Can we hear what they are?

Karl: Well, you keep talkin' a second then.

Steve: I'm quite excited, I mean, if they're- if they're even approaching, say, the genius of "Wet-Knee-Houston"--

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeh, yeah.

Steve: Uh, there was another one that was something to do with a trench, Karl, what was that? I can't think--

Ricky: Oh, that was Dandy Warhols, that was a good one.

Steve: Dandy Warhols, yeah.

Ricky: I think that was his- that was his finest moment, yeah.

Steve: Incidentally, I've had an email here from, uhh, someone called, "Sam", I don't know if that's a he or a she, but let's assume it's a she just for uhh, glam's sake. Uhm, she says she saw an old man eating a Twix last week, Karl, so that blows your theory out the window.

Karl: I'm not havin' it.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Okay.

Ricky Laughs Harder

Steve: So if you are a bloke, he's calling you a liar, so... maybe want a little rumble later--

Ricky: In fact, if you are a bloke, he's calling you a girl.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Karl: Right, here you are then. Uhhm, these are ones that me mam's made up. Uhmm...

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Right, just in case you're a new listener, I give some initials out and a cryptic clue and- and it makes up a band, dunnit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Or a solo artist.

Karl: Or a solo artist.

Ricky: Not so much "cryptic" as wh- what you're thinking. But go on.

Karl: Well, uhh, me mam sent this one, uhh: "This group would be good at doin' your hair."

Steve Laughs

Steve: "This group would be good at doing your hair"?

Karl: T.P.

Ricky: Is there a group called, "The Hairdressers" from the sixties?

Steve: "This group would be good at doing your hair"--

Ricky and Steve: T.P.

Steve: T.P.... T.P. Is it The-Something?

Karl: The Platters.

Steve: The Platters.

Ricky: Yeh, that's all right.

Karl: Yeah, so that's, that's all right -

Steve: Good.

Karl: Uhhh, let's have a look, uhh, "This group sound like dinosaurs"...

Steve: "... group sounds like dinosaurs".

Ricky: T-Rex.

Karl: T-Rex.

Steve: It's... yeah... I see what you mean, they're not so much cryptic are they?

Karl: Uhh, "this group--"

Ricky: Oh leave her alone, they're good.

Karl: "This group likes bein', uhh, by the sand and the- and the sea."

Ricky Starts To Laugh

Steve: "This group likes to be by the sand and the sea".

Ricky: Are they the Beach Boys by any chance?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: "This band are called, 'The Beatles'" - Uhh, The Beatles?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: Hang on.

Karl: We just have, just have a- a couple more...

Ricky Attempts To Use Words And Laughs Harder

Steve: What else you got?

Karl: Uhmm...

Ricky: AHHH.

Karl: Ummm, it's funny 'cause, 'cause one of them that she's done I'm actually doin' today- I thought of in the week. So...

Steve: Right, is it the same clue?

Karl: Uhh, it was, yeah.

Steve: Wow, great minds think alike--

Karl: Here's, here's--

Steve: So this is obviously coincidence.

Karl: Here's the last one from her: "This guy sounds soup-perb".

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Steve: "This guy sounds 'soup-perb'".

Ricky: The Bachelors.

Karl: Glen Campbell.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: They're not bad actually!

Ricky: That- yeah, I like that.

Steve: I think- I'll tell ya this: I think you should get on to one of the big game, uhh, organizations, Parker Brothers or whatever because this has gotta be- I mean this could sweep the nation at Christmas, don't you think? I mean, this is the perfect Christmas game.

Ricky Coughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I think this is what's gonna make or break the MTV thing...

Ricky Laughs

Karl: To be honest.

Steve: Some kind of TV version?

Karl: Yeh.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: I'm just thinkin' into ad breaks, you know, "Comin' up next: is this band--"

Steve: Be careful though, Karl, because, you know, make sure you retain the rights because I can see this selling abroad--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...South America.

Ricky: And I can see someone coming along and taking the, sort of, like, the, the "Rockbusters" and changing one word and they can make like another game out of it and- just usin' the same format.

Steve: What word would you...?

Ricky: I don't know, I don't know.

Steve: Uhhhhh...

Ricky: I don't know, uhhhhhhh, I can't think off the t- but they could change- so- so--

Steve: Sort of like...

Ricky: They could change the word "Rock" to something else and have it...

Steve: What could it be... brick? Block?

Ricky: Yeah, and so you'd have to- you know what I mean?

Steve: Be "Blockbusters".

Ricky: So, you know, be careful.

Karl: "Blockbusters"...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "Blockbusters" will never work.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Look at his little face!

Karl: So, uhhh, so yeah, so we're doing that later. Got some good prizes.

Steve: Okay. We'll talk about the prizes afterwards.

Karl: Talk about that in a little bit. Ummm, Educating Ricky--

Ricky: Yeah, got that.

Karl: We've got the woman who's got a ghost in her house.

Steve: Yep. It's a shame she's not here live because I feel like I want to ask her a few questions, Rick. I don't know about you.

Ricky: Uhhh--

Karl: Don't worry, I've covered it all.

Steve Laughs

Steve: You've covered it all! Of course!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Yeah. Play a record.

Song: Jim O'Rourke - All Downhill From Here

Steve: Rick, em, I know you, like me, are just too busy, really, to keep abreast of new music aren't you?

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: We're busy people, we got, you know, important show business parties to go to and stuff. That's why I have friends of mine who send me compilations and stuff. That's one of my quarterly compilations from my friend Harry and that's "All Downhill From Here" by Jim O'Rourke.

Ricky: I've got a new track comin' up later actually--

Steve: I look forward to it.

Ricky: That I think you might like so, uhh, you know, we're- we're um- we're inflaming each other's desire for new songs as well as going back to the back catalogue- some classics.

Steve: Sure, sure, sure.

Ricky: All right? I love adverts better though.

Steve: (Laughing)Ha, I do.

Ricky: I love adverts.

Steve: It's weird.

XFM


Karl's Removal Man

Song: Missy Elliot - Work It

Ricky: Missy Elliot on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, with me Steve and Karl.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Karl, why have you got headache?

Karl Sighs

Ricky: You got headache?

Karl: Just a bit stressful 'cause the move's- move's on this, uhh, this week.

Steve: Oh, you're moving house?

Karl: Oh by the way, the XFM listeners came 'round to me house and bought the, uhh, futon and table.

Steve: Did they?

Ricky: Were they happy with it?

Karl: Quite normal, quite normal. They were well happy.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Couldn't believe their luck with it.

Ricky: What do you mean, "quite normal"? What do you mean, "quite normal"?

Karl: Well, it's always a bit scared innit, gettin'- gettin' people 'round.

Ricky: I imagine they were scared.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: And were they excited to see you? Could they- I mean, could you tell that they were pretty- pretty pleased to see you?

Karl: No, I don't think so. I mean--

Steve: You're Karl Pilkington.

Karl: (Pause) Yeah, but the- the fella's sort of- I mean they brought the whole family around, which was a bit odd.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Well it's not often they get the chance to- to visit a living freak.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: Anyway, anyway, they were nice.

Ricky: And you're moving now, are ya? He said- he phoned me up today- he know- he was absolutely tippin' it down, right, (Laughing while trying to speak) he had to cycle in, right, cuz he said because of the move he doesn't want to leave his bike 'round there. And he said- (laughing) he said- and Suzanne- oh I can't say this in case he's listening, can I?

Karl: He won't know.

Ricky: All right, he said, "Suzanne's hired the oldest removal man in London."

Steve Laughs

Karl: You should hear him.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: And the thing is, right, we've booked him- we booked him because everyone else happened to be booked out but this fella's free... All right?

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: So he called up this morning and I've never spoke to him but he was on the phone, he sounded about ninety.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl thinks that he's gonna have to do all the work!

Steve Chuckles

Karl: And the thing is, right--

Steve: Is he cheap?

Karl: W- Well, he seemed to be cheap--

Ricky: All he wanted were some Werther Originals.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Right, listen, he seemed to be cheap because it's fifty pound an hour...

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Karl: But how long is it gonna take him?

Steve: (Amused) Yeah.

Ricky Pounds On The Desk While Still Laughing

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Ah that's genius!

Steve: When's the move on, then? When's the--

Karl: I don't know, he's comin' 'round- he came 'round today to bring some empty boxes and was struggling with them!

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky Turns From Laughter To Hiccupy Sounds

Karl: It- it actually happens on Wednesday.

Ricky: Oh, God...

Karl: Anyway, so umm...

Steve: Rick, I noticed there you were laughing and almost had a heart attack. Doesn't bode well for the boxing much does it?

Ricky: I've got a cough at the moment though, don't I? I'll have me Lemsip.

Steve: Anyway, what we doing now, Karl?

Karl: Well umm, ... I teased ya with it before...

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Umm, ...

Ricky Coughs

Ricky: Are ya gonna get it out again?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: I, uhh... I'm always, like, tryin' to get your, you know, thinking- opening, opening your mind up a bit to--

Ricky: Thanks.

Karl: To ghosts and stuff.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: So uhm, this woman who I know, she uhh, she said she'd come in and I could interview her to try and, sort of, you know, get the belief out there.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Uhmm... So I thought--

Ricky: Yeah, because there's not enough belief in the occult and rubbish out there.

Steve: So does she- she thinks she has a ghost?

Ricky Coughs

Karl: She has, yeah, she's had a--

Steve: She's had a ghost.

Ricky: She has. No, it's fact! Yeah, she has.

Steve: Yeah I know.

Karl: So, I thought maybe it's a new feature we could try for a couple weeks, see how it goes down.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Karl: You know, uhh... you know "Parkinson"...

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: What about "Pilkington"...

"Parkinson" Theme Music Plays


Pilkington

Karl: Welcome to uhh, "Pilkington", uhh--

Tarrin: Thank you.

Karl: My guest today is Tarrin, she's a plugger, uhh, you're still a plugger, aren't you?

Tarrin: No, do co-management now.

Karl: Right, she does co-management but she was a plugger, she looked after Therapy, Raging Speed Horn, Slash, all the big names. Yeah? Uhmm, but we're not here to talk about music, we already do a lot of that on XFM. Today we're talkin' ghosts. Now, Ricky and Steve, who I do the show with, they, uhh, they're not havin' any of it. So, I said, "Well, I know someone who, uhh, you know, gets on with ghosts, knows a lot of 'em." So I thought I'd get you in today, have a little chat for a couple a minutes. Ehh, just to sum up the story so they get an idea of what happened, uhhm, you had a horse, yeah? You had it in some stables--

Ricky: (Interrupting) He hasn't let her speak yet!

Karl: Uhh, you went to, like, look after it an' that.

Tarrin: Yeah.

Karl: Play around with it, take for a ride an' that--

Tarrin: Take it riding.

Karl: Yeah. Uhm, two of your mates were in the stable where your horse is.

Tarrin: Not my stable, in the opposite stable.

Karl: Op- in the opposite stable.

Tarrin: And I heard them giggling.

Karl: They're messin' about and that, yeah. You heard 'em havin' a laugh. So you thought, "Right, what are they up to?" So you go in and they're messin' about with a Oiuja board.

Tarrin: Yeah.

Karl: Right. So, this is where you come in. Did you get involved with the Ouija board?

Tarrin: Unfortunately, I did.

Karl: Right, and what happened then, then?

Tarrin: I was like, "Oh you don't believe in this? Oh, let me have a go."

Karl: Right.

Tarrin: And, eh, asked a few questions, put our hands on and it actually started moving.

Karl: So a lot of the stuff you asked it, has that- did the things happen that you asked?

Tarrin: Yes, they did.

Karl: Right. Well that's scary for a start. Right? We haven't even got to the ghost bit yet. So, you mess about with that--

Tarrin: "Trapped soul", I like to call him.

Karl: All right, "trapped soul". So you're messin' about on the Ouija board, you say, "Right, I've had enough of this now."

Tarrin: Yeah.

Karl: "I've got all the answers I need."

Tarrin: Yeah.

Karl: You go home--

Tarrin: I didn't like them.

Karl: You go in the house and it's a bit nippy.

Tarrin: The house- the flat is absolutely fine, it's when I went into the bedroom. You've got to remember, it's a very, very warm, hot evening...

Karl: Right.

Tarrin: And walking to the bedroom, I no- note it is cold- colder than usual. But I'm actually quite glad because it's so hot.

Karl: Right, okay.

Tarrin: Completely ignored the fact that windows were all shut but the curtains were blowin'. Didn't sleep well at all.

Karl: (Pause) Right.

Tarrin: Next evening, same again.

Karl: Freezin'.

Tarrin: Yeah, very, very, noticeably colder--

Karl: Curtains blowin'.

Tarrin: Yeah, I was fast asleep, get woken-up, the wardrobe's openin'.

Karl: So at this point, this is where we clear up, you're not, you're not on crack, you're not--

Tarrin: No, never touched drugs in my entire life!

Karl: You're not a drinker.

Tarrin: Nope.

Karl: Uhh...

Tarrin: I will have the odd glass of red wine.

Karl: Yeah... Right. That, that, that's all right, they recommend that anyway. They say it's good for your heart.

Tarrin: What started happening was, as the week progressed, I also felt the bed covers, at one point at night, fold over- double bed, the bed covers fold over and it was like someone was getting in the bed next to me. But you've got to remember, when you're in a deep sleep...

Karl: Yeah.

Tarrin: You're not quite thinking and you're thinking, "I'm losing it."

Karl Exhales

Tarrin: I was getting more and more tired, more and more, a little stressed and really thinking I was having a break-down. The final straw was when the clothes on the end of my bed, that I just throw, hit me.

Karl: How come you were going back home at night?

Tarrin: Because I was skeptical. In fact, six months ago, I'd of said, "I don't want to go there, people will think I'm mad", but you know what? I don't care.

Karl: Yeah.

Tarrin: I know there's more out there.

Karl: Well... brilliant. Well, cheers for that and, uhh, thanks for bein' a guest on, uhh, on "Pilkington".

"Parkinson" Theme Music Plays


Are You On Crack?

Ricky: Incisive--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Investigative journalism there.

Steve: I like the fact that you've learned a lot from Parkinson even stealing some of his questions like "Are you on crack?"

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Steve: Which I know he always asks his guests.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. I like the fact that when she went, "I dunno, I have the occasional red wine" he goes, (Karl Imitation)"Well, that's all right for ya... good for your heart."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: That was great.

Steve: It was brilliant, although I feel--

Ricky: That was the best interview technique I've ever heard anywhere.

Steve: I- I feel like there's still some questions unanswered.

Ricky: (Loudly) Uh, yeah he hasn't PROVED it to me, I'll be honest, (Back To Normal Volume) Karl has't proved the existence of- of ghosts and poltergeists.

Steve: I have to say, Rick, I was- I was worried as soon as she got involved with the Ouija board.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: I was thinking, "Please..."- I was thinking, "Please don't get involved with that Ouija board."

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was worried when- as soon as she said, "Oh, I heard some giggling from- coming from the other stable".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Don't go in to there.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Don't go into there.

Steve: It- and what questions did she ask the Ouija board? You didn't ask that I noticed.

Karl: She didn't, she didn't want to...

Steve: She didn't want to say?

Karl: No.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Do you think it was something like "Why?" that you did to try and confuse the computer.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And the spirit world got really annoyed--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And they got confused and they came back and started messing up her clothes.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: But what- what do you think then? There's- there's--

Ricky: What do you mean?! What do you mean, "What do I think"?!

Karl: Well, what do you think? D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Wha- wha- what- about what? There's nothing I can answer there (Pounding The Desk On Each Word) there's nothing I can answer.

Karl: All right, she said she--

Ricky: Well I'll just keep saying I don't believe in the existence of ghosts... because of the impossibility.

Karl: Right, now when she said, I mean- the interview I did for fifty minutes--

Steve: You did, for how long?

Karl: Fifty minutes.

Steve: Fifty? Five-Oh minutes?

Karl: Yeah, we might use that at Christmas or something, right...

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: Ehm, but the thing is--

Steve: What, that's the best you got out of fifty minutes?!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, that- they're the highlights!

Steve: (Laughing) MTV are not gonna call again.

Karl: I'll tell you what, right... It did get a bit dark and, uhh, I didn't want- I didn't want that stuff, sort of, going out.

Steve: Don't want to spook people out on a Saturday afternoon, yeah.

Karl: But umm...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: I can, I can understand the heating thing, I said, "Well, you know..."- in the full interview I was saying, "You know, that- that could be anything couldn't it? Heating broke or something."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now, she said the- the uhh... what else was she talking about?

Steve: Someone got into the bed next to her.

Karl: Yeah, I mean, I sort of said, "Well, umm, you know, how did that happen?"

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And she couldn't explain it herself but--

Steve: Sure, sure.

Karl: I said, "But it did wake you up, maybe you were a little bit, ooh, bit still tired--"

Ricky: Although the only explanation I can think of, as she didn't actually see anyone, is: well it was a ghost!

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well that was my--

Ricky: She's probably got a ghost in.

Karl: But what- what about her cupboards openin' and shuttin'?

Ricky: See, that's- that- again, the only explanation for that is a ghost.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Play-

Steve: I can't think of anything else.

Ricky: Play a record.

"Street Spirit" Begins To Play

Ricky: It's got to be a ghost.

Steve: It is ghosts, I think you've proven it to us.

Ricky: Yeah - a spirit.

Karl: A "Street Spirit"?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Nice. Well done.

Ricky: YEEeeAAhh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Song: Radiohead - Street Spirit [Fade Out]


Rockbusters Prizes

Ricky: "Street Spirit" - Radiohead. (Sarcastic Voice) So it turns out ghosts do exist --

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Afterall, Steve.

Steve: (Sarcastic Voice)A woman, what Karl knows, proved it.

Ricky: (Sarcastic Voice)I've got egg on my face.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9.

Steve: Incidentally Rick, I should just encourage you and everyone else listening James R--

Ricky: I really have got egg on my face, is that what you were going to say?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I've just been eating an omelette.

Steve: James Randi--

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: A hero of yours and--

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: A hero of mine--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Is on TV this week on Horizon, I think it's maybe Thursday - check press for details - trying to expose the nonsense that is Homeopathy.

Ricky: Oh yeah, I saw that, yeah!

Steve: So, uhh, look forward to that.

Ricky: Do you know what that is, Karl?

Karl: No, go on.

Ricky: Ehm, they got a theory that, um, if you- say- say you've got something, uh, uh, an essential oil or something or, uh, uh- in a solution, a 1 in 10 solution, and it does something to you, it actually does something to you. Uhm, they've got this thing where they dilute it, dilute it, until- until there's nothing in it but because they're using the same water and the d- the d- the water still has the same effect. It's sort of like- it's sort of like a placebo that you know works w- if, you know, that's the sort of theory of it.

Karl: Mm, what time's that on?

Ricky Giggles

Steve Giggles

Steve: Uh, check the papers but I think it's, uhhh, sort of, nine o' clock Thursday, something like that.

Karl: Mmhmm.

Steve: It'll be interesting though, Karl. It will be interesting, mate... Trust me. I'll tell you what's also interesting, Rick--

Ricky: Go on, go on.

Steve: The prizes we're giving away this week on uhh, Rockbusters. We've got for you David Attenborough's "The Life of Mammals" - I don't know, is this a new show? Is this on TV at the moment?

Ricky: Yeahh.

Steve: Is this like, a new thing? So that is, uhh, a double VHS thing there. Umm, we've also got a U2 - the best of their, umm, nineties videos. "Even Better Than the Real Thing" is on there, "Mysterious Ways", "Beautiful Day", "Electrical Storm" - the new one - stuff on there that's on the video. We've also got a couple of CDs: the Smashing Pumpkins - I think this is, sort of, alternative versions of a lot of their hits and stuff...

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Live versions--

Karl: Live stuff.

Steve: And stuff like this... Johnny Cash's current album, possibly his last, uhh, we don't know because apparently he's not very well at the moment.

Karl: That's a- an album of covers.

Steve: Yeh, well not all covers, some of his new stuff as well--

Karl: Well, some of 'em.

Steve: But he's done covers of things like "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode and "Desperado", uhmm, and "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and the great thing about Cash is- I read an amazing review where it says, "It's like he always makes them his own", do you know what I mean? It's like you can't even remember the old version when you hear his one.

Ricky: What, "Desperado" by The Eagles?

Steve: By The Eagles, yeah.

Ricky: Could I- I'd like to play that just to hear that--

Steve: Yeah, well.

Ricky: Cuz I haven't heard that, we'll play that and then give it away. These are actually good prizes, Karl!

Steve: Some good prizes. We've also got, umm, we're including a small, uhh, miniature, three-wheel car, an "Only Fools and Horses" video - I think this is the, uh, special that was on Christmas TV last year. So, if you're one of the, uhh, the people who DIDN'T see it - I mean wasn't it like 22 million people watching?

Ricky: Yeah, ridiculous, yeah.

Steve: If you're one of the people who, you know, desperately wants to see it again, I know I do!

Ricky: I know.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: And wants a small yellow car!

Steve: And also wants a small yellow car--

Ricky: Thrown in.

Steve: Then there it is and, uhh, also another of these, umm, compilations - arbitrary compilation albums - "The Best Chillout Album Ever", Rick.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Um, if you're a fan of the Levi's "Freedom" ad.

Ricky: I love the Levi's "Freedom" ad!

Steve Laughs

Steve: Then, uhh, the track that's used in that--

Ricky: I hate the music to it though!

Steve: No, n- well then, that's a shame because it's got that included on here.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Rick, how much do you love the Volvo TV advert?

Ricky: Love it. Love it.

Steve: Cuz that's uhh--

Ricky: Hate the music again, though! Why?

Steve: That's a shame because that's- the music is uhh--

Ricky: Oh is it? That's got the music again, Okay. Sure, sure.

Steve: But there's also some stuff on here- there's some interesting stuff there's Pink Floyd, there's Coldplay, there's Royksopp, so, umm, you know, it's probably worth--

Ricky: I love Pink Floyd! Except the music again!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: So it's a bind for me.

Steve: That's a whole- that's a whole heap of treats there.

Ricky: And, an- tha- th- that's the winner of Rockbusters.

Steve: That's the winner of Rockbusters this week.

Ricky: Coming up after the adverts.

Karl: Okay.

Steve: Yeah.


Rockbusteeeeeeeeeeeers!

Song: Doves - Caught By The River

Ricky: Doves, "Caught By The River" on XFM 104.9. We're into the second hour, now. This is when this award-winning show reaaally kicks into gear: the last hour.

Steve: When you say, "award-winning"--

Ricky: Ah, we haven't won 'em yet, I mean, uhh, we will win something.

Steve: Hang on, let me remind you--

Ricky: Ah...

Steve: Wasn't there a bronze in the Sony- Sony awards?

Ricky: (Laughing) Ah yeah, yeah, we got a bronze. We have got a bronze, it does't count.

Steve: It doesn't count, no.

Ricky: No, it doesn't count. Doesn't count. Uhhm, uhh, I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington which is, uhh, what "Heat" write about, really. Uhh, Karl's the main man. Think of Karl a year ago he was just sitting in that room goin, (Karl Impersonation) "All right? All right? I've done this:" "[Imitates a whirring sound effect noise] XFM!" (Karl Impersonation) "That's good innit? It's like a music bed." "Brilliant."... Comes on the show, we start taking the piss out of him--

Steve: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ricky: People start going, "Ooh, who's the idiot you've got in?", we go, "He's Karl.", and they go, "Well, we like him, he's a- he's a fool!", and we go, "He IS a fool, he's a pet buffoon." and they go, "Well let him speak more.", right? And they were goin', "Don't let him talk, don't let him talk!" - XFM, the fatcats--

Steve: Awww!

Ricky: And I said, "I'm a rebel and I do it my way!!!".

Steve: Rick, can I ask, did you stick it to the man?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: I thought as much.

Ricky: And then MTV call up.

Steve: Mmhm. Mmhm.

Ricky: Yeah. "Heat" are writing about him every week.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's just been doing film for the BBC.

Steve: There's some rumors he might be the new James Bond.

Ricky: It's- yeah, yeah. He's got- he's- he's got- f- he's eatin' lovely McVities Original Digestives, are we allowed to- can I- if McVities are listening, I love these biscuits.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and uhh, and he's got the best--

Steve: If the Spearmint Rhino Street Clubs are listening, I'm a huge fan.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Right. And he's got Rockbusters to come.

Steve: Yes--

Ricky: Let's do it.

Steve: I should just ask: the- the few people who ask me this and there's also an email here from Rich, people are saying they've seen some of the posters and the adverts of, uhh- advertising the show, plugging the show, why isn't your- why aren't you on the posters, Karl? And it is your choice, isn't it? We did ask, uhh, Karl to be involved but he wouldn't--

Ricky: Well he is actually--

Steve: He refused to do it.

Ricky: It's like "Where's Waldo?", he's actually--

Steve: He's there.

Ricky: He- he's in my trousers.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Karl, you don't like having your photo taken, do you? You don't want- you don't- you don't- you're not seeking the publicity.

Karl: No.

Steve: I reckon, you are seeking- I don't believe you.

Ricky: No, he's right, he's totally right. He's doin' it just right. But, I think there's a fine line to be drawn- the- you know, if you like being in, you know, around radio- you've got to- and you want your own show or you enjoy talking and they just happen to be filming you for MTV, that's different. I think what you just avoid is going to silly celebrity bashes, having your picture taken for the sake of it. I mean, I think you're right but I think you should do the screen test. On a serious note, I think you should do the screen test just cuz it might be fun and if it's no good, they won't do it and you can stop any time you want, no one has to keep going on telly.

Karl: No, no--

Steve: I'm worried about this, Rick, I just think we're gonna lose him.

Karl: No, no.

Ricky: We won't lose him.

Karl: No, no, listen, right... I'll always be part of this.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I'm just worried that you're gonna get- you're gonna exhaust yourself, you're gonna be drained, you're gonna have told all your anecdotes on MTV--

Ricky: He certainly will i- if he has to help the old fella upstairs with the bed.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, fifty pounds an hour, oooh. That's t--

Karl: Well--

Ricky: Go on. So...

Karl: Wh- what I wanted to do, right, cuz I don't want to embarrass meself, right, I don't want to embarrass the woman at MTV when I turn up and she thinks, "Ooooh, look at him--"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "What a waste of film this is gonna be", cuz it's not cheap, I know that.

Ricky: It's not film either but go on.

Karl: Well... So I--

Ricky: It is cheap. It is cheap. They're, they're filming on a DV camera that they can go over. If it's no good, they won't show it to anyone, it'll be great, it- it's just what they want, you, honestly. I can just see you doin' little things, just like popping up, you know, between the records and going, (Karl Impersonation) "All right? MTV...uhhh... Music Televisio- hear about the hairy Chinese kid born? Which is weird innit? Cuz they're not usually hairy", and it just goes, "(Imitates a Whirring Sound Effect) MTV!". It'd be brilliant. It'd be brilliant, Karl.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: If a- I'll come down with ya, I'll come down with ya.

Karl: Well, we'll see.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: We'll think about it, right.

Ricky: Go on then.

Karl: Umm--

Ricky: Right, Rockbusters.

Karl: So Rockbusters... Ehm... We, you know, it's a little clue, some initials, three different clues, you email in, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk, you can win the load of stuff that we got. So, uhmm, the first one... uhhmm, here's the clue: "Stop throwing that fruit about".

Steve: Ooh.

Ricky: Ohhhh.

Steve: And what's the initial?

Karl: That's C.B.

Steve: C.B.

Karl: C.B. - "Stop throwin' that fruit about".

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: All right--

Ricky: Is Anders listening? Has he emailed us in yet?

Steve: Anders? Not had- not had any response from Anders, I'll keep- I'll keep you abreast of that.

Ricky: I hope he's not stopped listening because he doesn't like the show, he's gone off. I hope he hasn't gone off the show.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So, uhh, the second one, uhhm: "That Scottish fella has made an error".

Steve: "That Scottish fell has made an error". Interesting.

Karl: Yeah, that's, that's M.

Steve: M.

Karl: Right, "That Scottish fella has made an error". All right?

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Aand, uhh, the last one: uhh, "God, you can make a right load of toast with them!"

Ricky Snorts With Laughter

Steve: "You can make a right load of toast with them"?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: All right. What- what's the initial there?

Karl: That, that's G.

Ricky Laughs Softly

Steve: "G." I was thinking it might be Bread for a minute, but no.

Karl: Nooo.

Steve: G.

Karl: So uhh, so just very quickly: "Stop throwing that fruit about." - CB.

Ricky: (Laughs) I've got, I've got the last one.

Karl: All right. "The Scottish fella-"

Ricky: It doesn't work, it doesn't count. Doesn't count.

Karl: Well... "That Scottish fella's made an error." - that's M. And, uh, "God, you can make a right load of toast with them!" - that's G. Email in at ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk and you can...

Steve: We've got the CDs, we got "Horses", we got "Mammals" on VHS, we've got U2, we got a couple of CDs including Johnny Cash.

Ricky: Here's a new tune from a new fella called Papa Garcia, see what you think of this.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: See, if he was on MTV, I couldn't say his name.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: What is it again?

Ricky: Papa Garcia.

Karl: Right, here's the new one from Papa Garcia.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: Nahhh.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Song: Papa Garcia - Natalie & Nucy


Shuttupa Yer Face

Ricky: Papa Garcia - "Natalie and Nucy" from, uhh, the forethcoming album "Bring Me the Head of Papa Garcia". Catchy, that.

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: Quite retro s- bit- bit of Elton John and--

Steve: And all sorts thrown in.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Lovely. Uhm, right, here we go. Quick clues again and then, uhh, we better do "Educating Ricky".

Steve: Ah well this is the favorite bit of my- the show for me, now: "Educating Ricky".

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: I can't wai- ah yeah, I'm anxious all week.

Karl: Well just quick- quickly on those clues just in case people need to know again. Uhh, "Stop throwin' that fruit about" - C.B. "That Scottish fella's made a bit of an error" - M. And uhh, "God, you can make a load of toast with them!" that's, uhh, G. All right?

Steve: All right, brilliant. Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk, it's email only.

Ricky: Ohhh, I need some learnin', I need some knowledge, Karl!! Educate me!!

Karl: I might be able to help ya.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: We got three things. As always I give 'em a little, uhh--

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: Headin' to tease ya.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: As to which one you want to learn first.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, first one is: uhh, "Is the tip included?"

Ricky Laughs Ever So Slightly

Steve: "Is the tip included?"

Ricky: Like it.

Karl: Uhm, second one: "I wouldn'ta come here in hind-sight". All right?

Steve: "I wouldn't of come here in hindsight"?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And the third one: "Arm-ah gonna have ta thump ya."

Steve: "Arm-ah gonna have to thump ya."

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: "Arm-ah gonna have ta--"

Steve: Okay, and you've trolled what? The internet?

Ricky: So- I-I-I s- see if I can get into the mindset of this pun. Uhh, "Is the tip included" - well, obviously that's probably not going to be about a waiter, it's gonna be l- like- is it- if that's someone losing the end of his knob, I assume. Umm, "Arm-ah gonna have to thump ya" - that's a man who... lost in his arm in a fight but then picked it up with the other arm and smacked him with it.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Umm, what was the middle one?

Karl: "I wouldn'ta come here in hindsight."

Ricky: Hindsight. Hind.

Steve: Heinz-sight?

Ricky: It- yeah, it- yeah it's someone was blinded by baked beans.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So what you goin' for, then?

Ricky: Uhh, I think I better go for, umm...

Ricky Taps Desk

Ricky: "Arm-ah gonna have to thump ya."

Karl: Right, well this isn't... I've been strugglin' again, to be honest with ya.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Umm, searchin' high and low for stuff and, and some of these I had to leave 'til this morning.

Ricky: Right, cuz there's just not enough knowledge out in the world, is there, that you don't know about.

Karl: I found out about- something in the week about a guy who, umm, uhh, was playin' tug of war--

Ricky: This is bonus material innit?

Steve: (Laughing) He was playing tug of war--

Ricky: Oh, his arm came off!

Karl: It's only his arm come off.

Ricky: Yeah, he got caught up in the rope, yeah.

Karl: N-n-n-no! He didn't! He didn't get caught up in the rope, he just was tryin' that hard and didn't want to lose... he kept hold--

Steve: That he allowed his arm to be pulled off?

Karl: He really wanted to win.

Ricky: No.

Karl: And the other team- the other team pulled it and his arm come off.

Ricky: No.

Pause

Karl: Well...

Steve: I don't know who to believe.

Ricky: Well a- think about it. If he's grippin' ...

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: As soon as there's tension like the- the arm coming out of the socket, the hand might release. I think his arm got caught up in the rope. And so it was involuntary as opposed to him goin, "Well me arm's comin' off but I'm not gonna lose this!"

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: He might--

Ricky and Steve: Anyway--

Steve: That's the- that's the fact you're not gonna tell us!

Ricky: That's a bonus! That's a bonus fact.

Karl: Yeah well--

Ricky: That's educated me!

Karl: So--

Ricky: A man lost his arm? Oooh, interestin'! Go on!

Karl: Umm, "Arm-ah gonna have ta thump ya" - do you know the saying, uhh, "shut your face"?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: (Laughing) Is that--

Ricky: Yeah, I've heard of the well known- Shakespeare innit?! Yeah.

Karl: Do you know how it came about?

Steve: Uhh, no. Joe Dolce?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: No.

Ricky: Ahh, go on.

Karl: It's, uhh, ages ago...

Ricky: Oh yeah! Literally! Literally!

Karl: Like, uhh, knights who wore armor - that's, uhh "Armor gonna have to thump ya?" that's how it came about...

Steve: Oh, okay, armor.

Karl: Umm, they- they wore all the stuff and they had the helmet and, say--

Ricky Sips A Drink

Karl: If they- they're guarding something at night...

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Stood outside a castle or something.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And it's probably gonna be two of 'em. Right? So they're stood there talking and that...

Ricky and Steve Start To Laugh

Karl: And uhh, talkin' about stuff. And--

Ricky: The future!

Steve: Yeah. Medieval stuff, yeah.

Karl: One of 'em- one of 'em's like, "Awww, I wish he'd shut up" - you know - "I've been stood here for hours and he's goin' on and on!"

Steve: He'd get- yeah, sure.

Karl: So he'd say, "shut your face" - meaning shut the guard down on your helmet--

Ricky: The visor.

Karl: And I can't hear ya then.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So, "shut- shut your face".

Steve: "Shut your face".

Karl: And that's, uh--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: That's how it came about.

Steve: Well I suppose that's--

Ricky: It would be interesting if I could just rely on it as--

Steve: I'm not sure it's true, yeah.

Ricky: I know, I just never know I can--

Steve: It needs to be corraberated.

Ricky: Just like- I don't know where he got it from but anything via Karl--

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Is precarious.

Steve: Yeah, I mean, I feel like maybe you should give us your sources next time, you know, tell us where you got the information from.

Ricky: I- I'll tell you... got it off the internet.

Steve: Yeah, but where on the internet?

Karl: I can't remember where that one wa- I mean, I always go through the news pages and stuff and, uhh, I--

Ricky: This "news" should be updated because...

Steve Laughs

Ricky: They've only reached the 17th century, which is last week with people eating, umm, tomatos off lead plates.

Karl: No but- no but then I look at news and there was stuff about a woman who was in a shop and she, uhmm, I don't know, some- they had some workmen in- workmen in doin' the shop up and... they had some wood glue left out and they asked for some pear juice and the guy went and thought the glue in the thing was the pear juice and she went and drank that. But, that's not really... news.

Steve: No.

Karl: So I thought, "Well we're not havin' that--"

Steve: That's not really anything, I wish you hadn't told us.

Karl: There was one about--

Ricky: So there's some poor woman now, whose ties- whose tiles are falling off because she tried to put them up with pear juice?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Tsk. See that's the danger of mixing up pear juice with toxic glue.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Your wallpaper and your tiles and everything just fall down.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Um, there was also--

Steve: Be careful everyone.

Ricky: Be careful!

Karl: There was something about, uhh, kids havin' hamburgers - it makes 'em fat.

Steve: Hamburgers make--

Ricky: J- Hold on! What? Yer- Havin' food with high fat content can make you put on weight?!

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Don't believe it. You're an idiot!

Karl: So--

Ricky: What's the next one?

Karl: Ehmm--

Steve: No, let's play a tune.

Karl: Well, you've still got to come- you've still got: "I wouldn't of come here in hindsight" and you've still got: "Is the tip included?" But, we've got a bit of, uhh...

Steve: Well I think we haven't played anything for a while, have we, in terms of the "Hip Hop Hooray" feature--

Karl: No.

Steve: That I used to be, uh, so popular for. So I thought we'd just resurrect that for one week only.

Ricky: "Heat" didn't pick up on that one, did they?

Steve: (Laughing) They didn't did they?

Ricky: (Laughing) No.

Steve: Let me just remind you: "Hip Hop Hooray" was where I played a hip hop track.

Ricky: And then I said, "Hooray", orr...?

Steve: Yeah, well- no!

Ricky: No?

Steve: I think- I think we didn't even have that.

Ricky: Brilliant! Brilliant.

Steve: That's a great- that's a great thing though, we could add that in- we could phase that in. Maybe at the end of the song you can--

Ricky: (Weakly) Hooray.

Ricky and Steve: Brilliant.

Steve: Okay.

Song: Notorious B.I.G. feat. Puff Daddy and Lil' Kim - Notorious


Monkeys and Midgets

Steve: Featuring Puff Daddy and Lil Kim, that's Notorious B.I.G.--

Ricky: Briliant.

Steve: And "Notorious".

Ricky: (Laughing) Great. Lovely. Karl just, uhh, said to me, "Aya, here's somethin': you can't hold your breath to death."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Have you tried it, Karl?

Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing

Karl: Just a fact. Just another little lesson.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Harder

Steve: For someone here who's at a really low ebb.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: He's listenin' to the show and want to commit suicide. They just started holding their breath and thought, "Awww screw it."

Ricky Cackles

Karl: Well what did you learn in the week, right? I'm always doin' all the educatin', I asked you- you were talkin' about watchin' a program about jellyfish...

Ricky: (Giggles) Yeah.

Karl: And I said, "Well, that'll be interesting, I'll try to find some stuff out". But, I couldn't find anything that I didn't already know about 'em.

Steve: Mmm. Mmm.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It must be difficult for you to find anything you don't already know.

Karl: So wha- what- what did you learn about jellyfish?

Ricky: I-I agreed with you by the end of it. The- they should be wiped off the face of the Earth because they're balls of water in membrane... right, that go 'round stinging people to death.

Karl: Uh.

Ricky: Let's lose 'em, Karl. Let's lose the jellyfish... yeah?

Karl: That's... that's what I think.

Ricky Snorts

Karl: Because I was stung by one, d- d'you know?

Steve: Oh, you got stung by one? Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: I was on holiday and I got stung by one--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I don't understand.

Steve: No, you don't.

Karl: Don't understand...

Steve: You're not a fan of 'em.

Karl: So that's... that's that.

Steve: (Laughing) Oh, good. Well that's sorted out the jellyfish conundrum!

Ricky Snorts With Laughter

Steve: We've solved that particular worry.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, uhhh, take your pick then.

Ricky: I asked him wha- if he could have any animal, the other day, did I him on air as well?

Steve: I don't know.

Ricky: Off air, he said, "I've got it down to two". Right, and this was- he said- he said, "What, favorite animal looking at or could I own one?" And I went, "You could own one", and he went, "Right, but could I own one, or would I have trouble", I went, "Karl, you've got all the expertise, you can have it in whatever it needs and you go down there", he went, "Right... And I won't regret it and get fed up?" I said, "No, Karl, just what animal- if you could have any animal what animal would you-". He went, "I've got it down to two.", I went, "What is it?", he said, "Either the rhino or the hippo."

Pause

Steve: What's your logic?

Karl Exhales In Thought

Karl: I- I don't know, that was then! I mean, ask me tomorrow, and--

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Could be totally different.

Karl: I might have some other favorites! D'ya know what I mean? When was that?

Ricky: A couple of weeks ago. "When was that"?! Well you were there!

Karl: Yeah but, you know--

Steve: What- w- what are they today? Quickly, now. First- quickly, now.

Karl: Quickly? Quickly, now? Any animal I want?

Steve: You could have any animal in the world. From patty- maybe one that's maybe extinct, anything you want.

Karl: Right, I might have, uhhmm, I might... just for today?

Steve: Just for today.

Karl: I might have a... scorpion in- in a little box.

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Steve: A little scorpion in a box. What's your- what's your thinking?

Ricky: It's the chimp every time. It's the chimpanzee or the gorilla.

Karl: Now... But, have I told you about that program about the scorpion?

Pause

Karl: How they all help each other out.

Steve: Right. Scorpions all help each other out?

Karl: N-n-no this is brilliant! Right... Somewhere in the desert--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Emm, there's these little monk--

Steve: "In the desert"!

Karl: There's like these little monkeys that are underground or something.

Steve Laughs

Karl: And, there's holes...

Steve: Is this beneath the planet of the apes?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: The fourth in the series, I think... or the second.

Ricky: Are they talking apes?

Karl: Aw, forget it, actually.

Ricky: No, and you've got it wrong anyway - they're not monkeys!

Steve: There's little monkeys under the ground?

Ricky: (Laughing) That's- they're not monkeys.

Steve: What are they doing down there - toiling in some underground mines?

Ricky: They're lizards. They're lizards, if you remember, and lizard goes to sleep and bloke comes along and you've told this... and the- and the sc--

Karl: Oh, we've done it, all right.

Ricky: (Laughing) A monkey from lizards! That's what happens in his mind: from lizard to monkey! Awww, evolution would have been so much easier if Karl was around.

Steve: (Calming Down) Ohhhhh.

Ricky: (Karl Impersonation) Aww turn into a monkey, I'm fed up with a lizard.

Steve: Just promise me once again, Karl, I've asked you before, promise me you'll never have children.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky: Go on. Right. Okay.

Karl: All right, what you havin'?

Ricky: All right, what's- what are they again?

Karl: "Is the tip included"--

Ricky: Yeah, go on - that one.

Karl: Right. In Turkey...

Steve: Nice.

Karl: Ehhm, it's not actually.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: (Disappointed) Awww.

Karl: That's where I went and there were some little fellas after Suzanne in the kitchen.

Ricky: What? What do you mean?

Karl: We stayed in a- we went to Turkey--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: You went to Turkey and there were some little fellas...

Karl: Well, they had quite a few, sort of, midgets workin' in the kitchen.

Ricky: Why? Is- Is it a theme...?

Karl: No, it was just--

Ricky: Was it a theme holiday?

Karl: I don't know, they might get 'em cheaper or something.

Ricky: Was it- w--

Steve: They get them cheaper?

Karl: They- they were workin' in the kitchen and one of 'em fancied Suzanne.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Kept, sort of, eyein' her up.

Steve: Mm-hm.

Karl: And she was windin' me up sayin', "Aww--"

Ricky: Not eyeing her up and down, just up.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: So anyway- no, so anyway--

Steve: What was she doing in the kitchen?

Karl: No, it's like a pick- pick... what you want to eat type ... buffet, but you have people clearin' the tables and that ready for you to come along.

Ricky: Were they low tables?

Karl: And uhh...

Karl Almost Laughs

Karl: And, you know, he was just keepin' an eye on her.

Ricky: What'd he say though? Was his--

Ricky and Steve Completely Talk Over Each Other

Karl: It was Turkish so I don't know what he was sayin'.

Ricky: But he- he was- was he- he was, um--

Karl: A little fella, yeah.

Steve: Did he talk to her?

Ricky: What do you mean "a little fella"? What do you mean "little fella"?

Karl: Sort of, dwarf-like.

Ricky: (Almost Laughing) What do you mean "dwarf-like" - he had magic powers or he was four-foot?

Karl: No, just--

Ricky: What do you mean, Karl?!

Karl: A little bloke! Just a- like a, normal bloke but small. If you stood him in the desert, you wouldn't know.

Ricky Howls With Laughter

Ricky: But he'd be hot if that's- right, Karl--

Steve: He should watch out for the monkeys!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah! Underground!

Steve: Those underground monkey are vicious.

Ricky: But- but- but you can't just say there was a little midget fella who was eyein' up my girlfriend and then leave it (Pounds The Desk On Each Word) What do you mean? What- what was happening? This is a story to us, this is much more interesting, to us, than (Karl Impersonation) "...and she was deaf, right and she hit her head". That's much more interest-

Steve: I don't understand how this- how it manifested itself. Did he come over and say something?

Karl: No, d'ya know- you know when- it's like girls know, don't they, when some- some- someone fancies 'em.

Ricky: What do you mean there was lots of 'em as well though?

Steve: Do they?! That's worth knowing!

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: Right. Come on then... so you went into this- you went to this holiday, yeah?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And you went into the- the what, dining room or something?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, downstairs and that.

Ricky: And you looked over--

Steve: And you thought, "This is odd - there's no one serving."

Ricky: And you go, "Hold--"

Steve: Wait a minute...

Ricky: "Hold on", and you looked down and there was a little waiter.

Karl: There was loads of them runnin' around, busy.

Ricky: WHY though? Why did the-

Karl: Because it was summer!

Ricky: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!

Karl: There was loads of 'em, they had more of 'em on.

Steve: (Laughing) Because it was summer? They- they come out in summer. They come out in summer.

Ricky: What do you mean they had more- what do you mean--

Karl: Because it's busy, isn't it, in summer?

Steve: No, but they all hibernate in the winter.

Ricky: Well, no, but why were they all midgets?

Karl: I dunno... maybe... doesn't heat stunt your growth or something?

Ricky: NOO!

Karl: Well, they just happened to- maybe it was a thing that they did.... for tourists or something. I don't know. I just got on with me meal, it was a holiday. Do you know what I mean?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: This is- right, so--

Steve: So, some midgets serving, I'm not going to ask any questions.

Ricky: Right, okay, yeah.

Karl: So they're all little fellas running around and... this one always was like, you know, "Oooh, do you- do you want a new serviette?". You know what I mean - goin' out of his way to sort of--

Ricky: Oooh turning on the charm!

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oooh.

Karl: Yeah going out of his way. The others weren't.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Uhhh--

Steve: I think what was happening is he'd been working with Santa all- the winter- it's just a little summer break.

Ricky: Or this one--

Steve: Is your girl--

Ricky: Was your waiter and so he was being polite to you.

Karl: Maybe. Maybe, maybe.

Ricky: But what did Suzanne say then when--

Karl: Well, she was using it to wind me up.

Ricky: What was she saying? "Oh he's--"

Karl: Well, just like, you know, "Look, I've--"

Ricky: "He may be small but he's--"

Karl: Well.

Ricky: "Built like a..."

Steve: Yeah, "He's all man".

Karl: So--

Steve: Were you jealous of a midget then? You were jealous of him.

Karl: It is a bit annoying, innit?

Ricky: Why?

Karl: It wouldn't bother me as much now cuz I been with her for ages...

Steve: Right.

Karl: But at the time- that might have been one of our first holidays and it's like...

Steve: You don't want her being stolen away--

Karl: You know, I've payed for this holiday.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) "And then you get off with a midget".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: So anyway--

Steve: (Laughing) But it doesn't matter cuz you got chatted up by a bearded lady. So...

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: I'll tell you what.... no that's got nothin' to do with it actually.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Play a record Karl.

Ricky: What were you gonna say? What were you gonna say?

Karl: I was going to say- I was going to say the hotel was half board and maybe...

Ricky: Oh, right. I thought you were gonna say, "It's just one of her shortcomings".

Karl: So listen, right--

Steve: Play- play a record.

Karl: (Sighing) Awwww.

"Born Again" Begins To Play

Karl: (Quietly) I'm sick of this.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Born Again


Turkish Knobs

Ricky: Right. Badly Drawn Boy, uh, "Born Again". Just get this "Educating Ricky" out the way. So Turkey, yeah. So what is this again? The tip--

Karl: This is "Educating Ricky", "Is the tip included?"--

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Apparently, this bloke was on holiday in Turkey...... uhm, just havin' a normal holiday. Weather's good, you know, he's havin' a good time and that.

Ricky: Waiters are all normal height.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ehm... he's havin' his meal, he hears a load of screamin' going on in the kitchen...

Ricky: Mmm, hold on.

Steve: Has his girlfriend wandered in there?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: They do ummm--

Ricky: With a stepladder.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: They- they circumcise people in the kitchen and apparenty--

Ricky: What are you talkin' about?!

Steve: Wooooah, woah woah! Slow down, slow down. We were sidetracked there for a minute--

Ricky: Sorry, what are you talkin' about? Cuz I'm excited about two things at once, here. One - they circumcise people in the kitchen. Two - I guessed it was someone losing the end of their knob.

Steve: (Laughing) You did, yeah.

Ricky: I've started (Hitting The Desk On Each Word) thinking like Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: That is amazing.

Karl: Apparently it was going on, it wasn't just a one-off either. Well, when I say, "a one-off", I mean they did it more than once.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right, uhm, and there was... uhm, he was there for a week and apparenly the first night it was quiet and then the rest of the week every day it'd be like- havin' his breakfast or even his lunch or even his tea--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, they'd be doing it all day. He'd be hearin' screams--

Steve: Aww. Lunch and breakfast - fair enough, Rick, but circumcision at tea time?

Ricky: Don't do that.

Karl: Ehm, and apparently it's a tradition over there. You can't even make a complaint about it, it's like, "Well, you should've", you know, "should've found out before you- you come over here."

Ricky: See, I can't believe this is true. I can't believe this is true. I-I--

Steve: Sorry, I'm a little bit lost. So he's in a restaurant in a hotel and there are people having circumcisions in the- in the kitchen? In the- is that right?

Ricky: I-I- I'm even worried that we're bordering on the racist here - suggesting that that is tradition, that Turkish people cut the end of their cocks off in the kitchen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: At meal times.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: I think you're wrong, Karl.

Steve: This sounds ludicrous, Karl.

Karl: No, I don't think it happens everywhere.

Steve: Right.

Karl: I think this--

Steve: Just in this particular hotel.

Ricky: Oh just this hotel.

Karl: Certain- certain places.

Steve: (Laughing) Certain hotels?

Karl: Certain hotels.

Steve: What, is it like two star?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No, I-d-d--

Ricky: Why did he go to the Foreskin Inn?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: It was his own fault, wasn't it?

Steve Continues Laughing

Karl: So, that- that's--

Ricky: Sorry, that- that's it is it?

Steve: Have they closed this down?

Ricky: Sorry, wai- wai- wait... that's the story? You educated me, right? Some fella saw some Turkish people cutting the tip of their knob off in a kitchen. Thanks very much.

Karl: Well... well--

Ricky: Thanks very much Karl. Got any more?

Karl: Well... there's things you can learn from it. Either don't go to Turkey--

Ricky: No!

Karl: Don't have calamari when you're over there.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Karl, you've done it again!

Karl: Well...

XFM


Bean There Done That

Ricky: U2 - I love that one - on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl. Okay Karl, one more.

Karl: Can't we just--

Ricky: Don't get the hump just because so far you've come up with nothing! What's the l- last one?

Steve: Give us the teaser clue again.

Karl: It was, "I wouldn't of come here in hindsight".

Ricky: "I wouldn't of come here in hindsight".

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Come on, give me some education. This'll be the thing that teaches me something. I can feel it in me bones, come on.

Karl: Uhh, there's a kid in Kenya...

Ricky: (With Dread) Uh huh.

Karl: Uhhh.... he was messin' about with some beans--

Steve Laughs Loudly

Steve: Magic beans, or...?

Ricky: We guessed that as well!

Steve: You did, yeah.

Karl: Uhhmm...

Ricky: He's fed up cuz we've guessed his puns, I think.

Karl: He put one of 'em in his ear...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve Laughs

Karl: And the mum or the dad said, "Oh, what have you done that for?", or whatever...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Emm, "So I'll have to take you to the doctor's now". So they took the kid to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Oooh...", he said, "I can get that out, I can sort that out for you". So, umm, he took it out and the doctor said, "Right, that's, uh, that's three pound fifty."

Ricky and Steve Snicker

Karl: And the dad said, "I've only got two seventy on me", and the doctor said, "Right, well...", and put the bean back in his- his kid's ear.

Steve Laughs

Ricky Coughs

Ricky: I- I don't know what to say- I don't know- I mean, I don't know what to say- I mean...

Steve: A couple of questions from me very quickly. Are you sure that those were definitely the sums involved, were they?

Karl: Well, the equivalent of whatever- whatever they deal with in- in Kenya.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was the equivalent of, you know...

Steve: Three pounds fifty in--

Ricky: Oh, so- so- so you- so what currency was it, Karl, that you- you translated into Sterling?

Karl: I don't kn- no- no, it was sayin' in- in the thing, it said the equival- equivalent of...

Steve: Of three pounds fifty and two pounds seventy.

Ricky: Did it say that?

Karl: Yeah. So it's like--

Ricky: Did it say that?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Di- Karl, look at me, look at me. Did it say that?

Karl: Yeah it said- it said- that- that- that was the, uhh--

Ricky: Did it say that?

Karl: Yeah... Yeah it did.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: It- it definitely said that, definitely.

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: So... It's just like, I suppose... I don't know, I mean all these things- the idea is it's not like a lesson, it's like I'll tell you this, see what you can get from it.

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So... so look at what I've told you already the- the knights who said, "shut your face", that's like...

Ricky: Yeah, that is- that's amazing.

Karl: That explains itself.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, Turkey with the circumcisions in a restaurant.

Ricky: Yeah, that'll hold me in good stead, go on.

Karl: Don't- don't go there or whatever. This one, uhmm, if you're in Kenya don't put beans in your ears or something. I d-... doctors--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Or carry three pounds fifty or the equivalent of.

Steve: I mean, it's just the idea that the doctor put it back in his ear... He forced it back in his ear, so is it still there to this day? I mean, is there any update on that story?

Ricky: Or did he go back with the three fifty?

Karl: I presume he- he either went and got, like, a second opinion - see if he could get it cheaper--

Steve: Right.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Or... he said, "Right, I'll come back next week"--

Steve: Yep.

Karl: After I've been payed. Or, he saw how the doctor did it and thought, "Well, I'll have a go at that when I get home".

Steve: Sure, yeah, for free.

Karl: But it never said what it- how it ended.

Steve: No. No.

Pause

Karl: But... I mean, I-I apologize for this week's, I mean I- I haven't got that much out of it.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: You've not been enriched.

Karl: It was very, very light. Like I say, there was the tug of war, there was a fella in Scotland who had a load of tattoos--

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky: Is that it?

Steve: Is that the end of the story?

Karl: Ninety-eight percent covered.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Just between his toes, he didn't have done.

Steve: Uh huh, uh huh.

Ricky: Why not?

Pause

Karl: Cuz it'd look stupid, I don't know.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: I don't know, it just said- it just said, "ninety-eight percent, umm, done". Uhh--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve Laughs

Karl: What else?

Steve: Are you gonna drop the feature? Are you worried--

Karl: I'm thinkin' about it, to be--

Ricky: Don't drop the feature!

Karl: To be honest with ya.

Ricky: "Heat" are probably- written about this already. This has been a classic.

Steve: I'm concern- I'm concerned because it's my favorite part of the show, I'm wondering is there something else we can- is it- what can we do to help you out? Because I'd hate to see it go.

Ricky: Well, we can't, really and he's moving this week with the old fella so that'll take him about four days. I'm worried that you're not- I'm worried you're not lookin' at the right- why don't you go to a library?

Karl: Mmm.

Steve: Quick question for ya, Karl: who is a possible guest on next week's "Pilkington"? Uhh, keep in mind we might not want to learn all about your removals man.

Ricky: Ohh, right, listen. If you've had a- an experience, it can be anything, right, doesn't have to be you've seen a ghost, it can be that you've- you know, you think you're gonna live forever or you can do so- any mentalist out there. If you're slightly, you know, wrong, if there's something wrong with you, just, uhm--

Ricky and Steve: E-mail Karl.

Ricky: Is it karl.pilkington@xfm.co.uk?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl.pilkington@xfm.co.uk.

Steve: Would you like to be interviewed on next week's edition--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: of "Pilkington".

Ricky: If you are a mental of any description, just lonely, bewildered, stupid, just something wrong with you, right, and you've seen something that's, you know, interesting to you but absolute bollocks, then please call Karl.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah. Uhh, karl.pilkington@xfm.co.uk--

Ricky: Don't let that put you off, by the way. Don't think, "Oh, they're gonna take the piss out of me". Just, if, you know- in any way, if it's, you know, uhh, fodder for us then call up because Karl will like you, you'll be friends with Karl. Won't ya? Quick, the clues, what's the answers? We always do this, we're runnin' out of time.

Steve: Don't worry, we've got a tune and then we'll come back with the answers for "Rockbusters".

Karl: Sure?

Steve: A lot of great prizes.

Karl: All right then. We'll have a bit of, uhh, Cash.

Desperado Begins To Play

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Johnny Cash - one of the prizes that we're giving away.

Song: Johnny Cash - Desperado


Craptic Clues

Ricky: Johnny Cash and "Desperado" there.

Steve: That's from his new album, uh, which is a collection of new songs and covers which is one of the prizes given away on this week's "Rockbusters".

Ricky: And, uh, can we have the clues and the answers and the winners?

Karl: Yep. Umm, first one was, "Stop throwin' that fruit about".

Steve: "Stop throwing that fruit about". The answer is?

Karl: C.B. That was Chuck Berry.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Of course it is.

Karl: All right.

Ricky: Okay, yeah, I'll give you that.

Karl: Umm, the one that you've worked out I'll do next, the, uhh, "God, you can make a right load of toast with them"--

Ricky: Gorillaz.

Karl: That was G: Gorilaz.

Ricky: Gorillaz, though, innit?

Karl: Gorillaz... and the middle one--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Was: "That Scottish fella's made an error".

Ricky Sighs

Karl: That was Mystique.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Mystique?

Karl: Mystique.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: So...

Ricky: Ooh, did anyone get that?

Steve: Extraordinarily, almost all the people who emailed in, an awful lot, got it right.

Ricky: I'm beginning to think it's us, then, because I-I was thinking, "mistake", I was thinking, "McError".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, "McMistake", and- but (Scottish Accent) "Mistake".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean...

Karl: Do you want to pick a winner?

Steve: Yeah, I was going to give it- the prizes to, uhh, Amy Macy, who's, uhh, from Wiltshire, the west country. (Laughing) Losers down there - probably as weird as you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, uh, she's won and congratulations to her. I assume she's listening online or maybe, uhh, via some kind of, um, cable.

Ricky: We must- we must have a lot of listeners outside London cuz all these are from Norwich and--

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Have we got any listeners in London?

Steve: Places, you notice, where there's a lot of in-breeding.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, there's nothing else to do.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Norwich and Wiltshire.

Karl: Well, you know, cheers for that Amy. Well done.

Ricky: He waved then, when he said that!

Steve: He did, yeah.

Ricky: He waved!

Steve: He's in his own little world.

Ricky: No, he's workin'- gettin' ready for TV.

Steve: Of course he is, yeah.

Ricky: Oooooh! I think he'll come in--

Steve: Yeah, so is that next week? Is it- can that be arranged for this week?

Ricky: Yeah, I- I'll sort it out.

Karl: Well I'm busy this week, I'm moving.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So let's talk about that- uhhmm...

Ricky: And you can do- you can do an edition of "Cribs" - where they get rock stars to show them around their- their home.

Karl: Well we're done- we're done now, that's it.... finished.

Ricky: Sorry, was I boring you?!

Steve: What day are you moving- what day are you--

Karl: It's been bad today. It's been pretty bad.

Ricky: What are you talkin' about? Hold on, I was talkin' and you just went, "Anyway.."--

Karl: It's been pretty, pretty bad today.

Ricky: W- I- we're still on-air. You know we're still on-air?

Karl: We've run out of time.

Ricky: We haven't run out of time, it's six minutes to!

Karl: I know but we've got to finish now.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Because we've-- we always do this!

Ricky: What? What? What? What? What? Why are you gettin' stressed, Karl? Do no- you do not cut me off when I'm talking - whatever you do!.

Steve: Can I just remind you, Karl, it is Ricky's show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I know. I know but, as the producer...

Steve: Oooh, you've changed, Karl.

Ricky: Go on. Go on. Go on.

Karl: As the producer, I've got to press this button.

Ricky: WHY THOUGH at six minutes to?!

Pause

Ricky: Tell me why! Tell me why.

Karl: Because that's when it finishes.

Ricky: What? We finish--

Karl: We've got- we've got to clear for the next- for the football- for football.

Ricky: On the poster it says, "1-3", it doesn't say, "1-2:55".

Karl: Right.

Ricky: You... Karl you press that button- I--

Song: Queen- Hammer to Fall (?)

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