26 January 2002/Transcript
- 1 Oh Yeah, Sentences And All That
- 2 If You're Wet, Take Your Trousers Off
- 3 Let's Have Thoughts
- 4 They Could Just Use Stairs
- 5 Have You Ever Used A Y-front Properly?
- 6 Bring Out Your Dachshunds
- 7 If You're Thinking Of Murdering Someone
- 8 They Call It The Tropical Blackpool
- 9 Chucking Sand
- 10 You Get An Extra Six Minutes
Oh Yeah, Sentences And All That
Hives there on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant...
..is with you.
Oh yeah, sentences and all that.
Just using the traditional English language.
Well you pointed at me, you put me off, you pointed to yourself and I just said Steve Merchant.
Well, you know, we do that every week you introduce me, you say 'with me' and I say Steve Merchant.
So that's a catchphrase that everyone's waiting to hear Rick.
Yeah, but usually I go 'Ricky Gervais' and that and you go 'with Steve Merchant', but this time you pointed to you so I said it, but I didn't say it, it, err, uh, caught me off guard, so I didn't use the sentence.
Oh, I don't like the way you sit, right, I've read medically that if you sit slouching like that, can you try and describe how you're sat, you've got the kind of m... have you ever seen that picture when John Lennon was off his head on smack recording Let It Be, and he was lying on the floor at Abbey Road, that's basically what Ricky looks like now.
I keep getting chest pains, I'm scared.
It's not good for you that, look at the, your not, you can't breathe properly in the diaphragm so you're gonna get speak badly...
Ricky cackles at Steve's linguistic befuddlement.
Eh, listen, I was trying to speak medical stuff there, it was bound to end in trouble. Anyway Rick, what are the words to Wham Rap? No, what are the words to Wh... I don't remember Wham Rap.
(rapping) “Hey sucker, what the hell's go into you, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de la de, de, hey suckerrrrr, now there's nothing you can do.”
Brilliant, I look forward to a forthcoming revival of your music career. Rick I had some devastating news last night, you know after I left you I was off to buy a PlayStation 2, I was totally in the mood for it...
Or a 'PS2' as he said.
Yeah, yeah, which confused him, granddad.
Ricky cackles at this generational contumeliousness.
So I think I went in some electrical stop on Oxford Street and...
Can I just say, the thing about Steve is, I wouldn't say he's mean, cos he hates that, erm, he's careful right, he will, he will spend days to get a pound off.
Rick, two and a half hours I walked round last night, I swear to god, I was walking round to different shops , I went from Oxford Street to Piccadilly Circus and back again, along the length of Oxford Street, back again, all over the place, right, basically couldn't get a better deal than about 240 quid, for a console and a game so I ended up in Virgin Megastore, I bought a... I bought Auto Grand Theft 3 or whatever, and a PlayStation and a memory card, whatever, so I'm shooting off, I'm walking off, I'm going to the tube and I walk all the way to HMV, on err, opposite Bond Street, i just popped in there cos I'd forgotten to get something and I went downstairs and I was walking past the PlayStations and it went 'if you buy a PlayStation 2 you can get Grand Theft Auto 3 with twenty pounds off'.
I was absolutely devastated.
What did you so?
I just, I, I, I, I crumbled, I didn't know what to do, I was thinking of taking it back to Virgin Megastore going 'it's faulty', “well how can it be faulty, you haven't got it home yet?” 'Oh I can tell...'
'No, I didn't mean to buy this though', “what did you mean to buy?”...'keyboard'... I meant to...
Exactly, and I get it back and I wire it up and that and all I can see as the cars are racing around the track, all I can see is, it's like one of those cartoons when a really hungry bloke can just see one of his mates as a big chicken, all I could see on the screen was a twenty pound note floating, it was an absolute nightmare, I'm just devastated by it. Twenty quid! I could have bought like another cheap game for that.
We went to the, did I tell you this, we went to...
Rick, would you give me twenty pounds, then I'll shut up about it.
Yeah, yeah, we went to the casino once, a group of us and I lost about £100, and it was, it was great, it was someone's birthday, I think it was Jane's birthday, and Steve after three hours of gambling, had lost the twenty pounds he got out to play with, right, I was going 'you're really gutted aren't you?', he went “do you know, have you any idea how much cheese I could get for twenty pounds?”
Yeah. Cold meats. For twenty pounds, and now there it is again last night, twenty pounds. I'm robbed of twenty pounds. Literally they've taken it from my hand, the HMV people, they've taken that and they've pissed it away.
I can't believe it, I'm gonna think of some things to cheer you up, shall we play some songs?
Song: Frontier Psychiatrist – The Avalanches.
If You're Wet, Take Your Trousers Off
Avalanches there, Frontier Psychiatrist.
I never enjoy any record, where I think I, or a four year old could have made it, do you know what I mean, it's just like it's cheating, it's musical cheating.
Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that one, we won't play that again then, alright, that's done, alright?
Shake on it.
Ricky and Steve shake hands.
Yeah, XFM 104.9...
Kiss on it...
Kiss on it, touch on it. Karl...
Karl, Karl came in this morning and said he was soaking wet, cos obviously it's miserable out, and actually if you're thinking of leaving the house today and thus missing the show, do not leave cos it's miserable out.
It's like a weather report as well, we play music, we've got chat, we have little jokes don't we? And it's raining.
Karl came in said he was soaking wet, I said to him, I said 'Rick would want you to do it', I want you to do it just, take your clothes off and pop 'em over there...
You know what...
And he wouldn't do it, and he said he was 'gonna do it, but I knew you'd say that.'
But when you left us in the kitchen, when he was making coffee, he went, 'Yeah', Steve said 'if you're wet, take your trousers off and I thought, oh hold on Ricky's not here, what's he up to?'
Ricky and Steve laugh.
No, I was talking on behalf of Rick, I phoned him up and said 'he's wet, what should I suggest?'
Well I said... I was in his ear, he had earpiece in, and I was going 'tell him it's bad for him' and I could hear him go 'it's bad for you'.., and I go 'tell him it...'
It could lead to rheumatism, drop 'em, take 'em off.
Ricky laughs at this suggestive suggestion.
Karl, Karl, speak, no-one's heard your voice today, come on Karl...
He doesn't want to.
Come on K-man, I know he doesn't, but we won't talk to you much.
It's just nice to say hello to you.
I think people quite like to know you're here.
They tune in, they love to hear you. We've had some fan mail for you.
I like his little face, he's a little Moby, I drew a picture of him in the week, just doodling, and he got really insulted.
Why did you get insulted?
It wasn't very good, I looked like Ian Camfield.
Ricky and Steve howl with laughter.
That's an insult, the ladies love Camfield. I mean they're weird kind of heavy metal ladies, but...
Yeah, the ones that drink blood. Yeah they love Camfield. I thought of who you looked like today, but I think you might find it insulting as well, but it's meant to be affectionate. You look like, for people who don't know what you look like, you look like Beaker out of the muppets.
(laughing) I can't see how that would be an insult.
Ricky howls at this riposte.
Oh god, it is when you put it like that, but it's sort of like, I like Beaker.
Yeah, but you like him cos he's a fool.
Ricky howls again.
He just goes, what does he do?
Ricky and Steve do Beaker impressions.
You look a bit like that doctor that used to accompany him everywhere, that professor.
Oh yeah, the little fat bloke.
The little fat one. Karl, what was it that you told me when you came in? Just Karl's thought of the day, Karl what did you tell me when you came in? Cos it was miserable out and you made a suggestion.
It is a grim day in London.
I like it already.
I was thinking, could you imagine dying today?
Go on. Explain more though.
Just because when you're dying, you're always like in your bedroom, in your bed...
And your family's next door.
And I just thought, could you imagine lying there and looking out your window, cos they do that as well, they sort of have the curtains open to get a bit of light on your face. And I just thought what a day, if this was your last day could you imagine?
But go on then, you...
No, he made another, he made another more, even, even more profound point, you said, 'instead of dying on a rainy day you'd prefer to...'
No, if you died on a, a bit of a nicer, sunny day, then it's not so bad. No, it's your last day looking out on the world and look at it. Don't you agree?
I thought that was a beautiful point, it was poetic almost.
It was, wasn't it.
Cos, no, the point was, what upset me was you said that you'd been thinking about that today on the way in and it upset you, my point was if you think about the people that are dying any day, it'll upset you.
But do you see?
Yeah, but you don't think about it when it's sunny, cos you think they'll be alright today, they won't be that annoyed.
You're absolutely right Karl.
Annoyed! Annoyed! Think of that. “Oh I'm... ugh... I'm dying today...
It was just, it was just when I got up and opened the curtains and though 'look at it'.
'I'm glad I'm not dying today.' Karl play a song.
Let's Have Thoughts
Mull Historical Society, Watching Xanadu, on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais...
...with me Steve Merchant.
See it doesn't work if you say 'with me, Steve Merchant.
No, it doesn't work.
I've gotta say either, I've either gotta say 'with me, Steve Merchant' or you just go 'with Steve Merchant.'
Sure, sure, sure...
See what I mean, it's not as easy is it?
No, it's not, it's not as easy as it seems.
You know this, right... I mean...
This radio show we do.
Well we come in and we don't plan anything, we just sort of like chat, and they still pay us, shall we just do this all day?
What all day on XFM or...?
Or just like, get a license, where it is just, it's Ricky and Steve FM and we just chat and we go 'what you doing there Steve?' Just having my breakfast.” just go 'oh right, yeah.'
“Oh, what you doing there Steve?”, 'Oh just cleaning the windows and that.' And we have a little chat and go 'oh just reading the paper' and we just talk and we play records.
For 24 hours a day?
I mean, have you spotted any flaws in that plan?
It would be boring after about an hour and a half.
Is that it?
I mean, this is boring now and we've only done twenty minutes.
No, it's just that we were talking about Karl having a thought remember?
And then I had that thought, when I went out to get some orange juice, and I had that thought, so maybe this show could be about, let's have thoughts.
Shall we have thoughts?
Okay then, and if we haven't got any they could phone in with some.
Or email a thought maybe if you've got a thought, you can email that in.
Yeah, we could just talk about it.
Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk, could be a thought about anything.
It could be, go on...
Could not make those thoughts racist or homophobic though please?
Yeah, or, erm, not downers.
Yeah, nothing that's gonna bring us down. Upbeat stuff.
Yeah, go on Karl, you were gonna...
You know when you said '24 hours' then, you know how much it takes to run one of the escalators on the underground for twenty hours a day, how much it costs a year to do that?
How long, twenty hours a day?
That's what it runs...
Is this another one of your facts?
These are always, these are always substantiated by an independent source aren't they? They're not just something you overheard on a bus, just to check. This if fact.
I read it, I read it...
Where did you...?
Did you read it on a wall in like a sandwich shop?
Sometimes I wish this was on telly, because when Steve said 'these have been substantiated by an independent arbitrator...' or something, Karl just looked at him, like he'd just spoken French. He just looked like that...
Okay, so anyway this is information you got from a reliable source, you read it on the back of fag packet or something...
No, I think it was in The Metro magazine in the week.
And what's the... let's just hear it again, how much does it cost...?
Yeah... there's loads of escalators in't there, on the underground and the run for twenty hours a day...
Don't tell us how, I tell you what Karl, that's such a fascinating fact, don't tell us, let's play a record Rick and then people can stay tuned if they wanna...
This is like, this is like some sort of mental home radio, isn't it, I mean we are, we are, we're not mentally ill, we haven't had any head trauma, erm, we're educated people, but we come out with just rubbish.
Just nonsense, just like, I can't grasp, I don't know why he started saying that, I have no idea what that thought was...
You just said, you just said... 24 hours, about doing radio for 24 hours, so I remembered, I thought oh 20... 20 hours...
Ricky howls with laughter.
So, we're now examining the thought processes that we all have before we get to something, let's just hear a song...
Okay, it's half past one, and That Film Sounds Good.
Steve does sounds effect noises.
“That Film Sounds Good...”
“Feature, feature, feature...”
This is where I choose a song from a film... oh that films sounds good... see, this is a film me and Steve both love, and he actually saw it first and got me onto it and said I'd love it and I did, it was Rushmore, it's a great film and from it features one of my favourite artists of all time, The Wind by Cat Stevens and this is off the first album I ever bought, Teaser and The Firecat, this is The Wind from Rushmore... That Film Sounds Good...
Steve does more sound effects.
Song: The Wind - Cat Stevens.
They Could Just Use Stairs
Cat Stevens, The Wind.
That's a beautiful song, the album is a superb album, it's seminal, there's some great songs on there, I feel like playing another one, maybe Song For The Lovers.
Maybe do it later.
Maybe we could do that. It's beautiful.
I have to say, I've seen the follow-up to Rushmore, if you enjoyed Rushmore, it's this new film The Royal Tenenbaums, with an amazing cast, Ben Stiller's in it, Gwyneth Paltrow and Gene Hackman in his Golden Globe winning performance. Same sort of things as Rushmore, same kind of style, but, lovely sort of kind of family comedy, absolute dynamite and again a brilliant soundtrack, Nico is on there, Nick Drake, all kinds of treats, forthcoming in the cinemas Rick.
You say the follow-up, is it the same director?
It's not a sequel, it's the same director, same writer, some of the same cast, Bill Murray makes another appearance, same style...
Haven't the Swingers lot done another one?
They have, their new films Made, Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn, again dynamite, really good fun, not as kind of perceptive as Swingers, but certainly as much fun.
Have you seen Swingers Karl?
I think so, is it the one where, they've got a line in it, they've got a catchphrase in it, haven't they?
You're the money.
You're so money.
That's it. Yeah I have seen it.
I love the fact that I said 'you're the money', he went no, you went “you're so money”' he went yeah.
Ricky laughs uproariously.
Well, yeah, yours is from whathisname...
Yeah, Jerry Maguire...
No, that's 'show me the money'.
I've seen it.
See, see that was really articulate, we did a feature it linked into films, Steve loves films, he did a little off-the-cuff review, then it went into gobblygook again... I can't even say it.
Yeah... you couldn't even say the word gobbledygook. Anyway you had an interesting fact you were gonna give us Karl, I don't think we can leave people waiting for this any longer.
Ricky and Steve giggle.
How much does it cost to run one escalator, that's just one, on a London Underground, it's running 20 hours a day cos it shuts for four hours in the night, when they're cleaning it and that, how much does it cost to run it for a year?
Sixty thousand pounds.
The trouble with these facts is, I've got nothing to compare it against.
Well, think about like, your yearly electric bill... at home.
Well, when you put it like that, when you...
It's a lot innit, when you think they could just use stairs.
Karl, play a song... politics on XFM 104.9, please people just use the stairs.
Have You Ever Used A Y-front Properly?
Chemical Brothers, Star Guitar, I'm gonna be honest Steve, I like the video more than the song.
Good, I just wish, we could maybe tape the bits we're not on air, for people, that's when Karl comes into his own, he just said to me, I was, I don't know what I was doing, I was sort of like pottering around, dancing around, doing something annoying probably, and he just looked around at me, I turned around, he was looking at me and I looked back and he, and he went “have you ever used a Y-front properly?”
It's a great question, cos the answer's definitely 'no'.
Has anyone, does anyone use their Y-front properly and by that I mean get your winky out the little, sort of – slot provided; as opposed to put it to one side or pull 'em down or whatever. Has anyone used a Y-front properly?
I don't think I've ever done it.
I don't think I've ever done it.
I've never seen anyone in a toilet doing it Rick.
You shouldn't be looking.
(Laughing) I wish I hadn't said that.
(Cackling) I caught ya! Really?
Yeah. That's actually how you prove people are gay.
You get 'em into this conversation.
Yeah, yeah and it's a trap.
Yeah and it's a trap.
It was a, it was, it was, it was, it was a trap.
I'm not gay by the way.
I always thought it was the...
You didn't think I was gay, I double bluffed ya...
Cos I knew the old gay trick.
I always thought it was the “old gaylords say 'no' thing.”
That is another method, there's innumerable methods of doing it.
That's how Oscar Wilde was caught.
What happened there?
Well the judge went to him- “Did you see that film last night Gaylords Say No?” and he went 'no' and they went “take him away”.
Yeah, take him down to the cells.
Yeah, take him to Reading.
It is true.
That is true, it originated in America.
So many of these things do. It's a brilliant point Karl, I'd like to hear from anyone, anyone listening who's, and I mean, uh, well, they'll just lie won't they, that's what they'll do.
I don't even sort of use flies.
Usually, I sort of just, sort of, pull my Y-front, uh, my sort-of tracksuit down, that's why I sort of wear elasticated waistband all the time.
You've gotta get in there with the minimum of effort.
Yeah, wee and out...
Often I won't shake...
No, I know.
...to my detriment, cos it often leaks out a little bit later doesn't it.
Ever been out on a date with a girl, where it's just trickled down your leg, and you wish it hadn't and you're thinking, 'what if she gets my trousers off later – she might smell or see it'.
(Squeaking) What? She might what?
I don't know.
I don't know what I said there.
Rick, I had for Christmas something which i think might excite you, and interest you, cos I know you're obsessed and interested by facts.
Don't fiddle with the microphone, everyone can hear that.
Well, I was just looking what it was underneath it.
Stop! Listen to what I'm saying.
I – no, no, listen, let me explain.
People could hear you moving the microphone.
Yeah, I could hear it in my headphones.
You know it's the little pop-shield that goes over the mic, I was gonna see, where the, what the, what way the mic was facing, so I just had a little look.
Who cares, no-one's interested, leave it, Karl will tell you if there's a problem.
(In a high voice) Why am I talking like that?
So this is a book, it's just facts and trivia, it's edited by Sir Isaac Asimov.
Who i think's dead, so I don't know when my parents bought this book, I assume it's sort of from a second hand shop or something.
It's quite old, but I got it for Christmas, I keep meaning to bring it in, cos there are, generally the facts are quite sensible in here, and I like to think if Isaac's been involved, there probably substantiated, it's not like, just this nonsense on the web...
I think this is probably true stuff...
Or up in Greggs the Bakers, that Karl gets most of his facts from.
The ancient Egyptians trained baboons to wait on tables.
Karl – fascinated.
But, what, what, my point about that is why did they stop?
It's genius, that's a genius idea. Would you not want to go to a restaurant where they had baboons serving?
No, I tell you what happened...
I've been to a few...
It might have been like the Planet of The Apes and they sort of rebelled, one of 'em could talk, one of 'em take his order, and one day went, “do you want fries with that” and the bloke got really annoyed and started answering him back and there was some sort of rebellion.
Right, right, right, right.
Plant of The Apes isn't true is it?
It's a film.
It's not a documentary.
I wonder, cos what I like the idea of having baboons is the fact that I reckon they're, like I have trouble, difficult, and I'm sure you do Karl, like working out that ten percent, you know, on a bill. I reckon baboons would find that particularly hard, I reckon you could get away with under-tipping them all the time
Yeah, yeah, exactly!
Just not leaving enough and then legging it.
Ricky makes ape noises.
They go away and you go “sucker.”
Yeah, exactly, so I'd love to see some baboon restaurants, if there's any restaurateurs out there, Sir Terence Conran or someone...
Could I, could I sugg... if you do go to a restaurant and are waited on by... please don't order the banana daiquiri, cos it comes half-eaten, they can't help their little selves, they really can't, they're okay with like, you know beef and steak and chips and all that, but er, but you know there's a little monkey and I go, did you bite...
Ricky does unintelligible monkey speech (not an impression, he just garbles every syllable.)
Can you imagine that though, baboons serving, waiting tables, it's genius, just stop to think about that, it's absolutely incredible.
It's absolute dynamite.
Yeah, that's a good fact.
See, zoos would be a lot more popular, it that was like the canteen, you could go in and just...
If they were serving tickets two, yeah, one child, one adult, okay go through there.
But I think they should do other things, you know in The Flintstones they used to mix cement, in that bird's kind of beak.
Pelican, yeah. Yeah.
We should just start doing that again.
Cos that also happened in ancient times.
According to The Flintstones.
Yeah, before they had proper cement mixers, that's what they did.
That's how they did it.
Just, just er, animal facts. I remembered one in the week.
There was, you know them two gay American men who have, have tigers?
Well, they're not necessarily gay.
There not necessarily - no-one actually knows if they are gay...
(Whispering) They are.
Okay they are.
Gilbert and George is it? No that's those artists.
What are they called – Siegfried and Roy.
Who may or may not be gay.
Yeah, and if they are... so what?
And if they are... so what, but if they're not and they...
I just said that so you knew, knew who I was talking about...
Okay, the two gay ones, go on.
The two possibly gay guys.
Loads of people have tigers.
Let's not worry about libel law, anymore then or...
If you shave a tiger's head...
Ricky and Steve giggle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... whoa, okay, you've gotta treat that sentence with a lot more reverence than you did, think what you're saying, if you shave a tiger's head.
Not just it's head, it's whole body.
Oh, sorry, sorry...
Sorry I thought you were, I thought you were getting weird, go on, if you shave a tiger, yeah go on.
It's still stripy underneath.
The skin, the skin's stripy...
Is it like rock?
Goes all the way through?
All the way through.
Where did you hear that one?
That's, I remembered that like I was watching...
Was that a drunk just shouting it in the street?
(As a drunk) “I shaved a tiger and it's still stripy, get out of it.” Yeah.
'I must make a note of that', says Karl.
(Laughing) Yeah, that's an interesting fact. Well you know a polar bear? Polar bears' skin is actually black and it's fur is transparent, not white and it gives the illusion; so it gets all the radiation possible from the sun, but is still camouflaged.
I don't understand that Rick, sorry, you lost me, if its skin's black...
A Polar bear's skin's black.
... and it's fur's translucent.
And its fur's translucent.
So why is it white when we see it?
Well, just cos the light hits it...
The sun reflects...
...and it makes it look white. Yeah, if you look at each individual hair, it's actually translucent.
So at night it would be black?
Well... everything is.
Ooo... not bright stuff, Rick.
Ricky wheezes with laughter.
You've embarrassed yourself! Play a record! “I know all about animals and stuff!” Do you Rick?
Song: Good Souls - Starsailor.
Bring Out Your Dachshunds
Song: Alive - P.O.D.
P.O.D – bit of pod there, Alive, that's growing on me.
Yeah, it's not bad.
You know, it rocks, we've gotta give it that.
I will certainly give it that Rick.
Yeah, XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais.
With me, Steve Merchant.
Ricky and Steve Giggle
So more from the facts and trivia book, edited, as I say by Sir Isaac Asimov, so not just overheard on the tube, or by a drunk.
Steve clears his throat.
Well he might have overheard them on a tube by a drunk and just put 'em in the book.
Yes. Listen to the whole fact here, before you make any judgements.
Sauerkraut was renamed 'Liberty Cabbage' by Americans during World War I.
In their denunciation of all things German, some Americans actually kicked Dachshunds.
The little dogs?
Little German dogs, just gave 'em a kicking, cos they were German, well they derived from Germany. I don't know if they got to like a small French village and just said “Bring out your Dachshunds” “Why, what are you going to do to them?” “Nothing, give 'em a little bit of food or something.
“You're not gonna kick 'em are you...”
“Got some milk for 'em!”
“...cos I've heard about you Americans.”
“No, no, just bring out the little (antagonised) sausage dog”, “Well you say that aggressively.”
“You said that aggressively, like you...”
“No, bring out the little (nicely) sausage dog, okay.”
“Well, you're not gonna hurt him then?”
“Of course I'm not.”
“If you hurt it now, it's like against the Geneva convention and everything.”
“I'm not gonna kick it.”
“Well, I didn't even bring up kicking.”
“I didn't even mention kicking, so why have you, why have you done that?”
“I don't know.”
“Well, I – I – I haven't got a Dachshund.”
“Have – oh.”
“That thing down my trousers is just a baguette.”
Oh yeah, d'ya remember that Karl? D'ya Remember that?
A dynamite fact, a dynamite fact.
Baguettes were invented by Napoleon, so he could carry 'em down his leg.
Let me just find... there's one more here, that I thought might, I know that there's a lot of those kind of amusing laws and stuff, antiquated laws and that on the web and things, but again it's Asimov, I'm thinking it's true. City Ordinance Number 352 in Pacific Grove California makes it a misdemeanour to kill or threaten a butterfly.
Yeah, you can't even threaten a butterfly.
So it goes...
Don't even look at it aggressively.
Yeah, butterfly comes down says “What you looking at?” I go “Nothing.” He goes “Judge!” “What?” “Bloke looking at me with a net.”
“I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing any-”
But what, see the thing about that is there's a lot of your sort of wilder butterflies, from the wrong side of the tracks, there just gonna take advantage of it, there gonna cruise around, playing load music, abusing old people – there untouchable.
And there gonna go “Have you got a problem with that?”
Exactly, you go 'no'.
You're gonna go 'no'.
Go about your business.
Butterflies there Rick, in California, running amok.
Should repeal it.
Uh, there's another one I'll think you'll be a fan of, er, oh it might take me a while to find it, maybe we should play a track.
Oh, well that takes us nicely, that's a lovely link, that thing about you said about playing a track.
Ricky starts to crack up.
Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Um, this is Song For the Lovers, I've chosen a great track here, um, uh, by Lloyd Cole, oft forgotten, but a great singer-songwriter, and this is one of his, uh, best songs I think, in fact I think Sandy Shaw covered it, in the mid-eighties, when she had a little bit of a resurgence, um, it's, uh, 'Are You Ready to be Heartbroken?' and it's a Song For the Lovers, lovely tune, enjoy.
Song: Are You Ready to be Heartbroken - Lloyd Cole.
If You're Thinking Of Murdering Someone
'Are You Ready to be Heartbroken?', um, actually Lloyd Cole with his Commotions, that was uh, that was done with and, uh, yeah, I love it.
Facts and trivia, the last one, Rick.
This is a sobering lesson for us all.
At the Pan-American exposition in Buffalo in 1901, President William McKinley received a line of citizens, shaking hands with each, in the line was a man with a handkerchief covering one hand. Neither of the two secret service men guarding the President was curious enough to take a look at what might be under the handkerchief in the hand of the man, Leon Czolgosz, an anarchist. What he had was a loaded revolver and when the President thrust his right hand out for the shake, Czolgosz fired twice; McKinley died a week later.
A moment of silence in memory of the fallen leader
So, what he did there, it was outwit the might of presumably the FBI, or the Secret Service, by covering the gun with a handkerchief.
It's absolute genius.
Just think how they had to explain that, and they go “What, how did they, how did he get close enough and shoot the President?” and they go, “Uh, we didn't see the gun”, “Why?”, “He covered it with a hankie.” “Did he? Oh, well you're not to blame then.” “Exactly! We couldn't, we can't compete with that sort of... you know.” “Didn't you think to look under the hankie?”
“No I was just, probably just thought it was a hand.” “Of course, cos that's where the hand would be. Did you not think he was probably holding a gun or something?” “Didn't do that, we didn't train, we didn't do 'hiding it with a hankie', did we?” “Alright, well if you didn't do it, then it's not your fault. Don't worry about it.” But he lived did he, for a week?
The President lived for a week, yeah.
That's, that's because, they had to go to him and they were probably shuffling round his bed going, “Sorry about that.” “Why didn't you look? I -” “He had a hankie.” “Did he? Where are they now, in jail?” “Well they were.” “Go on.” “Well, when we went into the jail, to give 'em some bread and water, he had a hankie over his hand.”
“We thought nothing of it, and...” “A gun?” “Yeah.” “A gun and he got out.” “See, you, d'ya remember the last, d'ya remember the gun?” “Yeah.” That's terrible innit?
It's pathetic. No-one's used that method since.
It was effective there, but you don't hear about that now.
People using all kinds of elaborate methods to assassinate people, poisoning their wine...
I think that was Rasputin.
As I recall they put some poison into his wine.
But they didn't, they didn't...
I didn't study him in history class, that's my memory of him from...
But if only they'd listened to Karl, last week, chink the glasses.
Always chink the glasses.
That shows that they used to test, test it didn't they, pour a little bit from yours into mine, that means I'm not poisoning ya.
But if you're thinking of murdering someone, you know, a dignitary...
With a gun...
Yeah Let's say...
Pop a hankie over it.
Just think about that, a hankie!
Just pop a hankie over...
Or, I don't know, pop it inside an oven glove.
And just wear that, as, you go to shake their hands.
Or one of those big Gladiator style pointing foam hands they use to have on Gladiators.
That'd be genius, “I'm just using this because I love, I love the President so much...
“No gun in there is there?” “No.”
“Just a big finger.”
“Check if you want.”
“Well no, we won't then, if you said 'check'.” “Right.” That's, that's, that's unlucky.
Did, did I ever tell you my method Karl, my genius method of, erm, assassinating someone, this is brilliant, this is the ultimate crime.
Is this the ice cube one?
Have I told it to you before?
No, but I know about it.
What's the ice cube one?
When you shoot an ice bullet...
You get someone round...
Rick! Don't say it, don't reveal it, cos it's my story to tell, blabbing it out.
Oh, there's two, I know two of them.
Well, listen, let me tell you it, and see if this is the one, this is genius, right, you rent a room, across the street from the person you want to kill, right, and then when their window's open one day, right, what you do is, what you've done is, you've made an arrow from ice. Okay, then what you do is, you, you train, to like become a brilliant marksman with a bow and arrow.
It's an old one.
It is, but this is why it's classic. And then you shoot them with the arrow, it goes across the street, through their heart, kills them instantly, but what's brilliant is, the arrow, the murder weapon, it then melts, dries out, there's no murder weapon and then you can take apart the bow...
Another one, another one Steve is to stab 'em then, stab 'em then take it out and walk away. Same, no murder weapon.
No! Because, no, But you gotta get into the building, this is the point, your across the street.
The only thing that could get you...
What about an arrow...
...is if someone saw you shooting an arrow out the window.
What about an arrow on a string?
Arrow on a string, what are you talking about? No, not an arrow on a string, cos that's not gonna work, what if the string broke as you were trying to loop...
Good point, good point, good point.
...loop it back in. No, Rick, I think...
No, the ice arrow is the only way.
I've thought it through Rick, it's genius!
The ice arrow is the only perfect way of assassination.
Listen, that, that was on Columbo.
But there's, there's another one, do you know how like I was saying about the...
The murder weapon's irrelevant Steve.
The fact that it's a murder weapon there is irrelevant, and...
No cos there'd be fingerprints on it and stuff.
You're having a laugh Rick, I defy you to win, to win...
There's no fingerprints on a bullet when it goes through your head at 12,000 miles an hour...
Yeah, but they can trace it to the right, the same gun, can't they, they can figure that out.
Throw the gun away!
No, but they'll find the gun, they always find the gun!
I've seen it, no, you can't burn a gun, Rick, my point is...
No the point is, is fingerprints and stuff.
Well don't, wipe it!
Ricky, never try...
...and kill someone.
They'll, they'll catch up with ya.
They'll always catch up with ya.
Will they? Oh I won't then.
The ice arrow is the only way.
The ice arrow is the only...
I bet that was the one case that Columbo didn't solve.
That, that, that's one of them, the other one is, you know how I was saying the other week, about the, uh, the drinks and you chink your glasses and stuff.
A way around that, put the poison in the ice cube, you quickly have a swig, before it's melted.
Before it's melted.
And they'll go that's alright, I can drink that, it's not dangerous, just say, 'oh hang on I wanna show you some pictures' or something, let the ice cube melt, the poison goes in the drink, say 'oh knock that back'.
You look thirsty, they'll have it, they'll die.
That is good.
Karl, you and I man, we're like criminal masterminds, alright.
Yeah, what happens when they find the poison in the body and go “Well he was at Karl's house drinking, it might have been...
You'd have, you'd have legged it.
Oh would ya?
You'd have been off with his missus and like thirty thousand pounds or whatever it was.
Wouldn't it, yeah.
So that's perfect as well is it?
That is the perfect crime Rick.
So, so, so, is, hold on, are all perfect crimes to do with ice?
Song: Roots Manuva – Witness.
They Call It The Tropical Blackpool
Roots Manuva, Witness, we were talking earlier, about, um, people who use Americanisms, like they've used it all their life, and it's our pet hate isn't it really, like just people who say, I was, I heard a DJ the other day going, “Hey, look, this could sound a little bit, you know butt-licky.” Butt-
Never heard that.
Butt? Don't say butt.
Yeah, well people say, I heard someone say, “He was on my ass.”
He was on my ass!
I've never – what? It was, I'll tell ya what almost annoys me almost as much as that, there was a guy I used to know who'd pretend and this guy was like, he'd never done anything wrong in his life, he had no street-cred whatsoever and I was driving along with him once, back from somewhere and a police car just pulled out and was just following us along the road, as police cars sometimes do, not following us just happened to be driving in the same direction, and he went, “Eh up, the pigs, watch it.”
Like, like what I'm supposed to think what, you've done some crime, you're part of Grand Theft Auto III and we, I better be careful, cos you've got some knocked out – off gear in the back.
“Watch it, it's the bloody pigs.”
Or a dead -
“Just play it cool, play it cool.”
A dead, a made man...
...that he just killed in the boot.
Nonsense and it's, I'm just so annoyed with that, that kind of pretending to have street-cred.
I know it's just that - one time- I remember once right an American came to our school and we were all about 13 and 14, and he was just the, he was like, you had to be his friend, and it was like people vying for his attention, cos he was sort of like this cool American bloke right, and he was like good, good at sport straight-, he was always you know, just great, and, er, I remember someone saying like, tube of toothpaste, and he laughed, said 'tube', 'tube' (British pronunciation), and we all went 'what is it then?' and he said 'it's tube', 'it's tube' (American pronunciation) right and people were going no it's 'tube' (British pronunciation) and they go 'tube' (British pronunciation) right and I went “I say, I say 'tube' (American pronunciation).”
He went, they sort of looked at me and they just thought, you liar, I just went “No, I say, let me think tu-, yeah I say 'tube' (American pronunciation).” Oh.
When you're a kid, like an, any American you ever meet is the coolest thing, it doesn't matter if it's a huge fat bloke wearing Bermuda shorts and a camera around his neck, he's cool, cos they speak with an American accent.
Well, that is cool.
And that's, and they say...
Being a huge fat bloke in Bermuda shorts is cool.
Yeah, that's what you keep telling yourself.
'I'm growing into that look.' says Rick...
The Canadian tourist look.
Absolutely. No, but so anything, you know, sidewalk...
I mean if I could say, like when I was sort of 14, if I could have said, 'sidewalk', 'fender', you know, I've always wanted to go into a sandwich shop and just order something on 'rye'.
I wanna be, I wanna be one of those 80 year old, um, sort of Yiddish blokes, those old, like, those sort of like old vaudeville Jewish guys, um, that, you know they sit in diners, and talk like, like Walter Matthau talks...
... like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wanna, I wanna grow into that, a long coat and go 'oy-ch' like that.
Yeah... oy vey.
Yeah maybe I'll start.
Yeah, well, convert to Judaism, initially...
That'll be your first port of call, then just tour the vaudevillian, you know, circuit.
In the Catskills...
'What am I, some kind of schmuck?'
Something like that.
What do you rec- Karl, would you like to be American?
No, not at all.
Get on me nerves, when I was in...
Get on your nerves?! Being American...
A whole nation there, reduced...
Ricky howls with laughter.
When I was in Barbados at Christmas...
Right, there's loads of 'em there, cos that's...
Is that when you were doing an extra bit of sort of waiting...
Cos you were, cos you were, you were sort of, your girlfriend was cleaning rooms weren't she?
Went there for Christmas, and, erm, erm, there's loads of 'em there, cos that's, that's like really close to America, that's like Blackpool is to Manchester type thing...
It's exactly like that.
That's, that's the analogy a lot of Americans use.
I think they call it the tropical Blackpool.
Ricky howls with laughter.
But they were going on...
That's in all the brochures, I'm sure.
No, listen, right, and serious now.
They were going on about the September the 11th thing...
But they call it, the, um, “Of course, uh” this is American, “Of course the um...”
“...the, uh, 9/11.”
That's what they call it.
Really? Oh that's awful. That's so, that's like people who say 24/7
Well, Americans say that.
“I'm working my ass of 24/7.”
Well, Americans say that. Well, they're allowed though.
Oh American's are...
It's, it's, I'm talking about an English person who might say it.
No, that's terrible.
Do that American accent again.
“Yeah of course, uh, the, uh, 9/11...”
Where, where are you from?
What, what, can we...
Which part of America is that?
That's how they sounded, in, in Barbados.
Sure, sure, sure.
Sure, but Karl...
Can you do any other impressions?
But Karl, but Karl doesn't, I very, I very much doubt that Karl likes new-fangled countries like America, he doesn't like London.
So he's not gonna like...
Have you been to America?
Did you enjoy it?
Went to Florida. No, they got me, again...
Got on your nerves.
Yeah, went, went for some food.
And it was the last few days, I didn't take much money with me and we were in Florida, and we were hungry...
...and we went for some steak, and we had our dinner and that, and it's, I think it's like their equivalent to the Angus Steakhouse.
And, erm, sat down, had, had the steak and that, it's huge, big, big portions, but anyway we didn't have much money left, and we had like another two days left, so we didn't leave, we didn't have much money for a tip, d'you know how over there they expect it.
Yeah, big tip, yeah.
So, erm, we left what we could, I don't know what it was, it might have only been the equivalent to sixty pence.
But, he didn't have to do that much, we didn't have loads of courses, cos we didn't have much money, so he brought us like the main course and I don't know...
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
...a couple of Diet Cokes and erm, anyway left him, the, the 60p...
... on the way out, and he comes running over, “Excuse me sir, you can have this back”, cos it wasn't enough. I mean...
What did you say?
I said 'Alright then.'
Well, I needed it, I mean, I thought...
...it was nice to leave them something, but obviously it wasn't enough so, got us a couple more...
Is it fun with you on holiday?
Do you enjoy yourself?
Do people go with you on holiday?
I get bored after about four days.
You surprise me.
What... what do you expect out of a holiday Karl, what do you, what do you, what do you go for?
Sort of soak up some of the culture.
(Giggling) You liar... you liar.
What did you learn about Barbados, while you were there?
Lot of crabs on the beach.
Ricky explodes with laughter.
I just imagine him sitting there, with his knotted hankie on his head.
Song: Athlete - Westside.
Song: Richard X and Sugababes – R Freaks Electric?.
I like that.
Bit of Gary Numan there, that's Richard X and Sugababes – R Freaks Electric?
Is that one of those things, were they've taken one song and laid it over the top of the other? Brilliant.
It's good, no.
No, it's good, good.
I like it, good.
Uh, yeah, well, we're, we're nearly done aren't we?
We are almost finished... which is a shame.
Just a couple of great... tracks...
We've had a few laughs.
... maybe, we've had a few laughs, haven't we?
I've perked up.
Yeah, you have, you have. You've lost it here a bit though, you sound like you're a bit down again.
Well, though, yeah that's just two hours work, in one long stretch.
I reckon we could do a three hour show now.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Skin of the teeth, sort of just...
We barely got away with this.
This is beginning to fall apart now.
It is, isn't it? Yeah, oh.
But you know, we've had a good time, we've had a few laughs, as I say.
I just think of Karl on the beach, he said he started winding the crabs up, cos he got bored, he started throwing sand at them. Its just like a child's experiment.
When you were in California, you weren't aggrovoit – aggravating butterflies were you? Cos oooh, that's a misdemeanour.
Scary there, the weather's really freaky.
In, err, California.
Yeah. In the day it's dead nice, come six o'clock it goes black, and then the rain comes down, freaky.
Is that every single day, Karl, or was that just the week you were there?
Err, every day, I was there for about a week, it happened every day.
And so as far as your concerned that happens, all, all year round?
So what you're saying is if people are booking a holiday they should be conscious of this, cos it will always happen.
California tourist board...
No, I think it does, I think it does.
But, but, but, why did you start throwing sand at crabs, by the way?
Just because, erm, you get bored on the beach, you're sat there, you look around, erm... and then, saw these crabs and I was watching the way they move around, and what they do...
Yeah, funny innit.
Does that annoy you the way they move?
No, I mean, it works for them.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Good of you.
(Chuckling) But, er, it was just, what I was weighing up is, they're quite close to the sea...
...so I was watching the sea come in...
They like it close to the sea don't they?
But they don't like it too close.
So, like the sea was coming closer to 'em and they'd run towards me.
So as the sea came in to, to them, I was chucking sand the other way, and it was like 'ooh'.
They didn't know what to do.
They didn't know where to go.
How long did that keep you occupied for?
The last three days I was there.
Have you ever seen, er, I don't know if I've described this before, d'you remember a classic Paul Daniels episode, where Paul is having tea with some baboons I think, chimps, full circle and erm, he's got a little box, and inside the box is a mirror, and he gives it to the chimp and it looks in the box and it's confused by its own reflection, it can't figure it out, so it's looking behind the box, trying to figure out, is there another monkey behind it.
It goes on like that, it's dazed and confused, it was there, for, for weeks, just staring into it. I imagine you're a bit like that, on the beach, with the crabs.
Yeah, that's great.
I think that's my analogy.
Paul Daniels' chimps.
I kept a crab once for a week, when we went to Bognor, erm, it was me, my mum and my nan, in a...
Oh-oh-oh, party time! Wow man alive!
I'll bet the...
You haven't lived...
I'll be the fun never stopped!
You haven't lived until you've woken up to the sound at 3 o'clock in the morning of your nan having a wee in a tin bucket and it echoing around a caravan.
Yeah. I was about nine.
You've brought a chick back...
(Cackling) I was about nine, right, and I just kept a crab, in a, first day...
In the bucket?
Ricky nearly pisses himself.
'I don't know where it came from.' Err, no, I found it on the beach, and I brought it back and I kept it in a little bowl in the sink, and then the last day, it started to smell a bit, and then the last day my mum said go put it back, and I went and put it back, so I had a pet crab for a week.
And did it, did it die?
No, no, it just got bored.
It says, it didn't do a lot...
Did it start throwing sand at you?
Ricky collapses with laughter.
Listen, I think we better play some more songs, we've got a few, so- songs to squeeze in. I just wanted to play a track, I was watching MTV the other day, and I was a bit confused.
Sure, yeah so was I, I like that.
Because, erm, I saw a video, for the Electric Soft Parade's 'Silence of the Dark', but it was called Silence of the Dark 2, but it was the same song, it sounds like they've redone it, the video is different to the old video, I was very confused, hopefully someone will phone in and solve it for me, anyway this is the original Silence of the Dark, still a good track, let's hear it.
Song: Electric Soft Parade - Silence of the Dark
You Get An Extra Six Minutes
Silence of the dark. The debut single by the Electric Soft Parade.
No, I like that, very good, very good choice there.
Apparently, discovered by XFM, is that right Karl?
Yeah, sent a tape into Clare Sturgess...
Big time now.
What did she do with it, sold it?
Got a little five pound starter bag of skag.
Exactly, oh bless her.
The rest is history. Well, I've enjoyed myself.
But can I just say, we don't just like, you know, muck around, and do stupid things and play great music, we're also informative.
And we're gonna leave London with this tip, that Karl, for no reason, just told me, erm, do you want to do it Karl or shall I tell 'em what you just said.
Rick, we haven't got much time, you better explain it.
Okay, if you go, he said 'been on the millennium wheel?' I went 'No.', he went 'If you do, here's a tip, go when there's lots of disabled people on there.' and I - I was up for it I went 'Why?', he went 'You get more for your money, cos they have to keep stopping and letting them off.'
You get an extra six minutes. Alright?
Good, solid advice, if you're...
So do that then.
...going there today or tomorrow.
Song For the Ladies, Rick, I'll leave you with Lambchop, a lot of people aren't a fan of Lambchop for some reason, they don't like the way he sings, but this is a beautiful song.
That's the reason.
'Up With People'. See ya.
Song: Lambchop - Up With People.