28 September 2002/Transcript
You Haven't Probed Me Enough
Ash... and Envy, on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.
Absolutely, yeah, hello.
That clang you heard there isn't Karl.
Karl's away, it's Sturgess.
Claire Sturgess is 'ere.
You'll know her from The Claire Sturgess Show, but er, we know her from our early days on Xfm.
And, y'know, we're good friends.
It's sort of like, old times isn't it, and Karl is er, had a little surprise birthday present.
What's the story with this Claire, 'cause I don't know anything about this.
Well, I, d'y'know, I-I came in on Monday expecting to see his little smiley face-
-as usual, and er, they said "well he's not here." I went "what d'you mean?" they said apparently his girlfriend had surprised him and dragged him off to the Caribbean for a week.
No, Canaries isn't it?
Oh Cana- I mean I dunno.
Yeah, he likes the Caribbean, he likes the crabs.
I thought he was bored of the Caribbean, I thought he didn't enjoy it last time?
No he loved it didn't he?
No I don't think he did enjoy the crabs.
No it was Tunisia he didn't like.
Right. He's been travelling ha'n't he?
I know yeah.
He gets about.
He didn't like Tunisia 'cause there's flies the size of matchboxes.
And er, midgets in the kitchen. No there's nothing wrong with that-
Yeah. "Midges"? Or midgets?
Midgets he said... in the kitchen...
Right. It was midgets?
He wasn't saying anything bad, he just said "there were lots of midgets in there."
Lots of midgets in the kitchen?
And I thought it was- he'd gone away to some sort of like, theme holiday.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Erm... but er, no this is er, I think Gran Canaria, or the Canaries, or whatever it's... called...
And how old is Karl?
Is he 30? Is that- is this the big 3-0?
30 last week I think, yeah.
Oh so it was actually a birthday present, oh I see right...
Okay I just thought...
So but, but, but that's alright.
So have you got a competition that you can er, regale us with Claire? 'Cause er, obviously Karl provides a lot on this show.
Hold on! We could do White Van Claire!
White Van Claire!
Have you- are you familiar with this? We ask you-
-the questions, er topical questions, just getting your opinion really on the week's news.
Okay, yeah yeah.
It's on the spot...
Look forward to that...
But you know I'm a little bit... y'know...
Little bit simple? That's fine.
No just a little bit... y'know...
I always sit on the fence.
Well don't sit on the fence-
You see- you see the worse thing there was, she was saying "I'm a little bit like, y'know, er, liberal or I dunno", and you went "simple?"
I didn't know, I thought- "I'm a little bit, what, coked up?" I dunno.
Who knows, it's Sturgess, anything could be possible.
But but, the other thing is with Karl, we didn't know how good value Karl was until we asked him sort of intelligent questions.
Well this is true enough, yeah.
'Cause he- he looks quite intelligent, doesn't he.
Well this is it, I mean-
We might discover-
-I don't think we've probed you enough. We don't know what, y'know, your views are.
You haven't probed me enough actually Steve, no.
But we don't know what your views are, y'know, this is what I'm saying, we don't know where you stand. I mean don't sit on the fence, this is the- this is the new Claire Sturgess.
We're gonna delve deep, find a personality in there Claire. Alright?
Let's go back to the old days -- how about a bit of The Smiths?
That was beautiful Rick.
Aw you've been practising haven't you?
Song: The Smiths - Cemetery Gates
Smiths. Cemetery Gates. It's a lovely tune.
Lovely song. There's one bit that worries me about it, it's sort of like a... a- like a teacher warning, who goes "if you must contrive er, prose and poems then the words you use should be your own. Don't plagiarise or take on loan", it's sort of like, well why are you telling us that for?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Sort of like got people like going, "thanks Morissey, I was-"
"-actually yeah that's not mine, that's Wordsworth. Right I'm gonna write my own."
It's weird isn't it?
Queen is Dead though, one of the great, great album titles.
I don't think- it's not my favourite album. It was voted best album of all time-
But The Smiths, what I love about The Smiths they just seem to get- like "The Smiths" is just a brilliant name don't you think? It just captures everything about them.
We've got a thing about bad-
Bad yeah... well I was watching, I was watching er VH1 Classic Smooth last night.
Claire and Ricky laugh.
And er, I love it-
Sade always on, you can always get- love a bit of Sade.
But erm, Foreigner were on.
"I've been waiting for a girl..."
And er, well I dunno which- I can't remember which tune it was, but er, the album I noticed it came from - classy album title: Agent Provocateur.
It's so- it makes my skin crawl.
But I also-
From the album Agent Provocateur.
I- I imagine there's a band called Agent Provocateur, erm, and they're from Wigan, it's a girl singer, she's 35-
-in a tight dress-
-and it's four blokes with ponytails.
Yeah exactly, yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah, yeah exactly yeah.
"Here's one you may remember."
Yeah, they d- then they play a wedding and they go "we're not doing a wedding again, there was people- there was cake-"
"-being trodden in, there was kids-"
"Children were just sliding across the parquet floor, they weren't listening to the music."
Yeah yeah yeah. "Well we got a gig at the marquee-"
Yeah yeah yeah.
"-coming up soon, this er- endless guestlist, five quid in."
Ahh, Agent Provocateur, if your band's Agent Provocateur, or "Ay-gent" Provocateur-
Oh yeah, have you ever been in a band-
-called Agent Pr- yeah.
But er, but that's gotta be one of the- 'cause it's not- I don't know what that title say- I don't imagine Foreigner have got that sense of intrigue and...
Well one of my- right, one of the worst names- right okay, T'Pau-
Right it's the worst- it's- I'm gonna- yeah let's start "Worst Album Titles" okay? I'll kick off with T'Pau - Bridge of Spies.
Oh... Bridge of Spies, is that the one that featured China in Your Hand?
I assume so, I don't think they did too many. Erm, okay-
Bridge of Spies... Bridge of Spies?!
Who did this album- who did this album, erm, Begger on a Beach of Gold.
Begger on a Beach of Gold, it's got the likes of Collins written all over it, but I know it's not, go on-
Very close! Mechanics.
Mike and the Mechanics.
I dunno what that means.
Good old Mike and the Me-
"He's a beggar on a beach of gold, just look around you, there's some... money...
He's saying- he's saying "don't be a tramp there's some money there look mate."
I dunno what it means.
I think it means that everyone else is rich but he's still poor.
... yeah. Yeah! I li- actually I like it.
Oh it's a bit deep for me Steve, sorry.
Maybe you just need a little asterix at the corner, then a little explanation at the bottom of the record cover.
"I'm thinking of buying this, I'm not quite sure what it means; oh! He's very poor originally...
Nice one. Erm, Chumbawamba.
Well, y'know, what can I-
Yes! I bet it was, from the Chumbas! Are they still cracking on? 'Cause they-
I think so.
-didn't they used to live in a squat?
They've done about, erm, 400 albums, them and The Levelers.
... who's the best, Chumbawamba or The Levelers?
Good question, thanks for asking that, erm...
Claire and Ricky laugh.
Yeah, what's the telephone number Claire?
It's er, 08700 800 1234.
Or you can email email@example.com, worst album titles ever.
This is like real radio innit?
It's just like Chris Moyles.
It is innit?
We've got the big fat guy who's on the telly.
Claire and Ricky laugh.
Y'know... and er, his kinda cheeky sidekick.
Am I er- Comedy Dave?
You're almost as funny as Moyles.
Claire and Ricky laugh.
Fingers crossed one day...
Right Sturgess you've brought in a record haven't you, what're you gonna play, what's this all about?
Well know I just wanted to- d'you know what like, a- a bootleg is? Ricky?
Oh what're you talking about, I've stacked a lot of them up on white label.
Yeah, go on.
Yeah, yeah? Okay, well no this is quite a good one that Ian Baker brought in the other day.
It's er, it's a bit of Dre, a bit of Snoop Dogg...
Mixed in with Crowded House, I thought you'd love it.
The juxtaposition there is exciting in itself.
That's true enough, play it.
Golfy Golfy Golf Golf
Song: Go Home Productions - The Weather Episode
The weather episode, that's Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, Crowded House, I love that.
That works for me, Steve. What do you think?
Yeah, yeah, good stuff, no it was nice, I liked it.
Well she started off alright, well give her..shall we give her one more go?
I think a round of applause for Claire Sturgess yeah, good effort.
Yeah, no, that's brilliant, no, that's excellent that, I love that.
Rick, the er, the phone..ah it's just gone. Nah I tell you the phone board had lit up there Gervais.
There was a call buzzing through on...
A call, a call came through...
A call came through on line one, and Sturgess missed it, Karl would never have missed that he knows how valuable they are.
Ohhh I'm sorry.
That was probably someone with an amusing album title.
No I did get one, Steve, I did get one...
What was it?
I did get one, do you wanna hear it?
Yeah go on.
Erm, ok, this is from Al, who says "What about this: H to H E, who am the only one.
To H E.
To H E....
Who am the only one.
I don't know what it means?
No, Van der Graaf Generator generator.
Oh, well no wonder. That's a thing that, you, one of those things at a museum init you wind up and you touch and it makes your hair stand on end.
That's the scientific thing init.
I've given up, Steve.
Yeah no I noticed, I noticed.
Do you know that didn't really make me laugh either so.
I'll be honest I'm thinking that the whole kind of amusing album titles thing we should abandon.
I..I thought that as I said it.
I..I thought, I'll be honest with you, I thought it was easier than this, I mean Chris Moyles makes it work, that kind of crazy comedy errrrm...
Okay let's try and have a...
Radio magic but obviously, it's..it's...and I don't think our listeners are into that stuff.
Erm, ahh k...
I just don't think they can be bothered to get to the phone, I don't think a lot of them are able, I think a lot of them are you know...
Do you remember when...
Still kinda smacked up.
Do you remember when we spent about three hours tryna get to the Chris, through to the Chris Moyles show?
Vaguely yeah, what was the g...what was the reason?
He was doing this, erm...competition and it was um, it was er, titles, song titles with golf, about golf, like so we go, like 'Drive', 'The Cars', and like that, and I was phoning up, I was getting so excited, I wanted to phone up and go "errrmm..Duran Duran golfy golfy golf golf...
And I just, and I just thought, and it, and I'm, it might, it must have...awh God
Yeah, we spent ages.
It probably cost me about 30 quid just to ruin Chris Moyles's competition.
And that was a long time ago.
Yeah those were the days when we...
Before I realised...
When we realised you know, he was a great talent and one to watch.
Before we'd enjoyed his new, TV shoowwwwwww...
But erm, anyway.
Erm, let's not slag other people off.
No that's cheap, it's cheap, it's cheap.
Anyway what shall we talk about now then cause that was, that, that all went well.
No I mean that's 20 minutes, that's 20 minutes done.
And we've nailed, we've nailed amusing album titles, we've, we've done that.
That's fine, so we need a new gimmick now.
Oooh, errrm, I tell you what, erm, init...you know, you know, no, no no no, wait wait wait wait...
You've got something, you've got something, ah Ricky's got something here.
You know when...
Here he comes.
You go out, you take an umbrella out, right?
You leave the house, you've got an umbrella.
Right, and it's a really sunny day.
And then you come out and you go, oh god...
I wish I hadn't bothered with that cause it's in the way.
Yeah, but then right, imagine when you go out, right, and it...
It's raining, it's raining.
You go out without an umbrella...
And then it rains.
What's going on there?
It, that's weird init?
We've all been there, we've all been there.
So phone in if you've got like, funny, weird observational things that happen like that.
Yeah, yeah stuff like that about umbrellas or any kind of, sort of, accessory or hats, anything about hats.
Yeah, what's...give the number out again Claire this is gonna be brilliant!
This is gonna be great!
This is dynamite. Tape this one, tape this one.
08700 800 1234.
Just comedy observations.
Stuff you've thought of, wacky stuff you've thought of, just tell us what...
Play a record.
What stuff you've come up with, get the Sony people on the phone this is dynamite.
That's One of the Banana Splits
Song: Suede - Positivity
They could always do a good chorus, couldn't they?
They could indeed.
Erm. I think we could play Pink. Is it just.. is that really way out? Are you saying...
Pink? You can't play Pink.
... it'd be wrong.
I like that new one?
Yeah but... whether or not it's in the building
(singing) I'm comin' up so you better get the party started
Not that one. I like the one Erm...
Do you know who that's written by? Do you know who that's written by?
(singing) ..and I'm trying to call the nurse but she's bein' a little bitch
This is... this will be of interest to you. Do you know erm... (singing) Let's get the party started, I'm coming up.
Do you know who that's written by?
Well the way you say it... sounds a bit like erm... (hums)... is it Radiohead?
Thom Yorke, you're thinking? No. (singing) Let's get the party started..
(singing) ... 'cause I'm coming up...
(singing) I'm coming up, careful, I'm coming up, let's get the party started, please.
I'll have one more go... is it Johnny Rotten?
It's not Johnny Rotten, but this is the truth...
It's written by that woman with the goggles and the big hat that used to be in Four Non-Blondes.
It's written by her.
You're not thinking of Snork, are you, from Banana Splits?
No, no, no, no... No I oft.. I oft got the two confused but... Erm... No.
Sorry, goggle... goggle and the big hat...
She had a big hat, didn't she, and a pair of goggles...
I know exactly the one you mean.
What do you mean goggles?
...and kind of sort of... sort of a Gypo look about her.
What do you mean goggles? You can't say "Gypo". What do you mean goggles?
... those flying goggles!
What's the correct word to say?
Gypsy. Gypo is a terrible derogatory term. Like...
Well she looked like some kind of scrounger...
She sort of had like matted dreadlocks... and...
Selling clothes pegs? Like... listen...
Yeah. Lucky... lucky heather? Lucky heather?
She had a big leather hat.
When you got stopped with Lucky Heather and you didn't buy it...
I don't want to talk about it.
...and then you had some bad luck.
I had some bad luck about ten minutes later...
So I always stop and buy some now.
Yeah. (laughs)... so hold on.
I've got shed-loads of it at home because I don't when you've got to throw it away, they don't tell you how long you've got to keep it for, for the good luck.
6th of January
Is that what it is?
Yeah, keeping it after that is bad luck... I'm getting confused again aren't I?
No, what it was...
I don't know which myth to believe in.
Right stop it.
Let's go back to... the... erm... (singing) I've got a party started...
(singing) So when are you coming up. Yeah.
Is that her name?
No! That's one of the Banana Splits!
Now you've confused me.
Fleagle's the one with the big teeth...
...and the goggles.
Snork is the one with the... basically... to be honest I think it's an elephant.
I think they've pretended they've made up an animal but they...
There's so many people listening that don't know who the Balana Splits are.
The Balana Splits?
The Balana Splits.
Right. Listen... yes they know who the Banana Splits are. Even people under 20 know the Bala... Erm... Snork, Fleagle, Drooper... who as the other one?
If you can remember the name of the last Banana Split...
(laughing) Give out the number! Because I actually want to know this. This is what radio is for. When I can't think of something, they tell me.
Yeah. So which ones have you got?
It's 08 700 800 1234.
I've got Fleagle, Drooper and Snork.
... I've no idea, no idea.
God... Fleagle, Drooper and Snork. (singing) Da da. Da da. Drooper and Snork, Fleagle, BINGO!
Nice. Well done. Don't bother calling.
That particular tragedy... or that has been avoided. Yeah, the moments passed.
I don't know what Bingo looks like... yeah.
There was one that had sewn up eyes. Drooper I think. Sorry, go on.
No, anyway, erm... my point was this, that... erm...
...oh I can't be bothered.
I can't be bothered.
I think we can play that new one by Pink.
You can't play Pink.
Why? Because it's too poppy?
They just won't allow Pink on XFM.
They will not allow Pink on XFM.
They what? They're...
Wait a minute that's red rag to a bull!
I've always been a rebel.
Someone's... someone's telling you, that you can't do something. That's crazy!
I'm gonna go...
Right, lets also get the new Justin Timberlake single.
... I tell you what...
The thing is, Ricky you're going to have to nip down and have a word with Foxy, cause we haven't go it up here.
Yeah. I mean he'll have it... but...
I'd love to... Can't we call someone at Capitol.
What's that one, no, what's that one by Busted? "That's What I Go to School For", that's dynamite.
What about Abs?
Abs. The new one from Abs. Dynamite
Yeah. Erm... Well, play a record and we'll discuss this Pink thing.
Do you want a bit of Cat?
Oh, Cat Stevens! Yeah, Catch Bull at Four, this is "Sittings", lovely. Piano and everything, innit?
This is the song that we were originally going to use as the theme music for TV's 'The Office', that starts again on Monday I think...
Just play it.
Murder She Did
Song: Cat Stevens - Sitting
Cat Stevens, and "Sitting"
I couldn't find Pink, Rick, but I've got the S-Club Juniors.
What do you think?
Pink is alright. Just because it hasn't got the credibility of like "Nu-Punk" and "Nu-Metal" its alright... don't... we've never been snobby. We've never worried about credibility, have we?
They're all down there I can go and get them...
I tell you what, if you're going to do that I'm just going to play adverts from now on.
Can we play some adverts?
Song: Supergrass - Grace
Supergrass, Grace on XFM 104.9, I've been forgetting to say that...
It's all gone to pot. Innit? I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. Little Karl's not here: Claire Sturgess's here.
Yeah.... now... I think we can play Pink, you know.
Well... I don't know, I mean, I don't to be responsible for it
I mean, I don't, I don't have a problem, particularly, with the lady.You know, she's made a good effort... with it. And I think, well apparently, it's either number one or it's gonna, it's likely to be number one later this week so, erm...
So it's not that rebellious, me playing this...
It's not particularly rebellious.
But, erm... I don't know, I mean what worries me is... erm... that... whether the audience will turn against you and that you'll lose all musical credibility.
Have I got any?
No... very little, very little.
I didn't have any... really?
I erm... had an email, just now, and I think maybe this answers why we didn't get very many calls about the erm... "Give us a crazy band name or an album title"
Didn't give out the number?
They... no no no... they think maybe they're all at the march, the big march.
Which makes a lot of sense because I would imagine that a lot of the, sort of, losers that listen to our show probably...
What's the march about?
...all sort of agree that, erm... they should go and "protest about a war"...
Oh, it's the anti-war march.
The anti-war march, yeah.
Protest against a war.
So erm... well I don't really know the ins and outs of this, this whole thing really. It sounds like it's a long way away... I... I don't know why they bother...
I suppose it's like... yeah... they were asked if they wanted a war and they said no... is that so bad, Steve?
Yeah... Yeah... No I mean good luck to them, I don't think it's going to have much effect to be honest.
... you don't think...
No, I don't really believe in all that.
... that Bush is listening...
I don't think he's worried in the ligh... in the slightest. A couple of dropouts and sort of junkies are in the streets, you know... and a couple of old ladies...
Well, you say that, but what's their names, The Specials, "Free Nelson Mandela"... eight years later he was out
That's true enough.
That's absol... I'd forgotten about that.
... I think they're... yeah.
... and... and, erm, Live Aid sorted out world hunger.
Yeah... that was done...
...So that was...
... and, erm...
...But I think you see, there difference there is...
..."Ebony and Ivory": no more racism now
That was done...
...Rick, you see, musicians were involved there.
...and I don't think any musicians are involved this time, I think well I think David..
'course they are. They've probably taken their bongos and their didgeridoos..
The tablas. Is that what they're called?
You can see, they're walking down now. Loads of ponchos...
You were going to wear a poncho once 'cause you thought it would make you more of a hit with the ladies, weren't you?
Oh but they're so now, ponchos, in Top Shop they are so now.
So you'd have been ahead of your time.
As ever, as ever.
You see, I think if you wait a couple of years those clogs will be in.
Exactly. This is what I'm hoping.
What about this pipe?
The pipe... the pipe is definitely on the way back at some point...
Yeah, the pipe and the trilby.
What do you think of a lady... Sorry, as a Lady what do you think of a man who smokes a pipe?
I think it's lovely.
Do you think it's quite sexy?
'cause I think it's quite distinguished.
I wouldn't want to snog you though.
It takes your breathe away... what?
... 'cause I've given up smoking, Steve.
...yeah, it takes your...
Well... well I won't be giving you a blowback...
I don't know what that phrase is, Rick, I... I... I gambled with that phrase. I don't know if a blowback... I don't know that could be obscene, I've got no idea what a blowback is.
No I think it is very... very sexy in a sort of a Val Doonican kind of a way...
He never smoked a pipe.
Did he not?
No, he smoked a goat.
Wrote a song about smoking a goat. About Paddy McGinty's goat, and it blew up.
But, what worries me is that if you look at pictures of the great, sort of, thinkers of our time... you know maybe they're at college or university in the sort of 1930s...
You got those great people, who became the great artists of our century.
...And you see them in pictures when they're in Oxbridge when they are 19... they're all smoking pipes, in tweed suits...
No young people now are smoking pipes, I fear that its gonna be dead. In like 15 years, I don't think anyone is going to be smoking pipes.
But again, you're way ahead of your time...
I feel like maybe it's me, with a certain profile, maybe I've gotta try and bring it back.
Bring it back. I think so.
And then, you know, maybe we'll be seeing kids in TopShop on a Saturday...
And let's not forget sniffing snuff!
Oh my Nan used to sit there with 2 brown stains just dribbling from her nose.
Yeah. A little bit of snuff and some gin.
Well this is the thing... but I... cause my friend always said if he won millions of pounds, he'd spend it all trying to bring back, as a fashion accessory, the cape.
The cape! See I quite like the cape.
Because you can make such an entrance with the cape.
And a cane.
A cape and a cane, yeah, and a top hat.... I wish people had to wear hats now. I see it on...
See, I couldn't carry it off because of my shape and size, I'd look like Burty Bassett.
But you'd look like Basil Rathbone,
Well I'd look pretty good in a, sort of...
You'd cut a good... yeah.
I could sort of sweep into a room.
Well... see I think you'd look like, and don't get this wrong, dont take this wrong, right, because we're mates. But I think you'd look like a freak with a cape on.
And at which point would you take it one step further and add the deer stalker, you know, and go the whole Sherlock Holmes...?
Well, I'd have the pipe, the cape and the deer stalker and I'd solve crimes.
It'd look like... It'd look like, some sort of
You could be my fat companion.
I could be? What, sort of like, get padding and stuff?
Yeah. No, I'd like that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'd like to solve more crimes, if I'm being truthful. I'd like to...
I would love to solve crimes.
Like, you know, just to solve one crime would be great.
I... It wouldn't matter if I solved it, if police came to me and said... I'd just look at the first bloke and go "him."
Just get it off the streets, you know what I mean? Just like: Tick. Done that.
Yeah but I just thought there'd be something... like I feel like maybe I... Cause you know like in TV shows it always used to be.. you know, they were like... they were a doctor who also solved crimes. They were a plumber, they solved crimes.
Yeah, you know a couple of sort of BAFTA winning writers.