30 November 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcript of the 30 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Contents

A Big Poster of a Predatory Gay

Song: Richard Ashcroft - “Science of Silence”

Ricky: Oh yeah, the smooth indie sound of Richard Ashcroft "Science of Silence" on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, joining me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: It was an excellent link that, Rick. Did you say nime at one point? One oh four point nime?

Ricky: Did I?

Steve: Other than that it was textbook.

Ricky: Again, I- I- yeah, desperate attempt at being articulate.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: But let myself down.

Steve: With your lack of-

Ricky: See here's the good thing about the boxing thing, because er- there's no chance of me... you know, er slurring me words.

Steve: Making a fool of yourself?

Ricky: No, no. I already slurred my words.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So no- any damage will be totally fine. Oh dear.

Steve: The doctor's rushing in, "I think there might be some kind of concussion."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Jane just going, "No, that's just the way he talks."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But erm, but er- cause I'm thinking maybe did you start the show with- with that particular kind of er manner, just cause obviously a lot of new listeners, I imagine, thanks to the massive poster campaign and you obviously want to impress them with your charm.

Ricky: See now that there- there's a few examples today of irony coming back and bitin' ya.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that seemed like a funny idea at the time, me posing like 'at, but erm- Jonathan Ross phoned me up when they first went up and he said, "I've just seen a big poster of a predatory gay."

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Yeah, you do look a little bit er-

Ricky: Yeah, "Hellooo, what's your name?"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "Would you like to sit down here?"

Ricky Laughs maniacally

Ricky: And then you're in the background. And also er-er- the- the- I think the funny thing about having you as a partner, I mean the only good thing is that y-y-you know, you look- you look weird and tall, like too freakishly tall and lanky.

Steve: Oi, heyheyheyhey.

Ricky: But in that one, no because you're background and you're smiling you don't look as weird as you do in real life, or as- as freakishly tall. So it sort of ruins it a little bit for me. Look at, look at that-

Steve: Is that a compliment?


A Little Manc...

Ricky: L-l-loo- look.

Steve: Pilkington, what you doing?

Ricky: He's not listening he's just opening the f- er packet, what are they? McVities? See- er wha- see we should mention them we could get some free ones. If anyone at McVities are listening. Cause we're not gettin' the perks of this.

Steve: Not at all. I'm- I- I'll tell ya I'm not getting anything. I really got in this game for er the ladies, for the money, for the voiceover work-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Certainly not seeing hide nor hare of that.

Ricky: But erm, you're not getting the voiceover work cause Jethro, the Jethro is gettin' all of his parts that you might get.

Steve: Yeah, right. Sure sure, yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Erm okay Rick, yeah. You are the voice of what, the drink driving campaign?

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: You sound, you sound like a man who was run over in a drink driving accident.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: I mean it's like, you don't drive-

Ricky: Yeah but I didn't make any money from that did I?

Steve: You drink heavily-

Ricky: Or did I? I can't remember. Yeah

Steve: It's like I'mean talk about the kettle calling the pot black

Ricky: I don't drive, yeah. But that's good it's don't drink and drive. No it said don't drink and drive so I've chosen just to drink.

Steve: But at least I can formulate sentences using the English language and I'm not gettin' the voiceover work what- what's- wh- what-

Ricky: Yeah the English language of the 14th century.

Steve: What is that! Better a English language- an English language.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Not the, whatever kind of middle England language you speak. The language of the hobbits.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Alright Karl?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: See you're eating biscuits!

Steve: He's chowing on a biscuit!

Ricky: I can't believe it! Are you bored with us already? D'ya know what? MTV called me last week, they called me again yesterday and said when can they come down to do a- oh they're coming down next Saturday, by the way, to do a little screen test for ya. They're gonna sort of just film you with a little camcorder. You said this, they're gonna film ya… Are you alright? D'ya want- I mean- are you hungry? Do you wanna go out and have a meal? I can't believe you're eating while I'm on air.

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Do you know who I am?

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Explain who I am.

Steve: Er that's Ricky Gervais, right? He's made his name on TV.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, he's done any number of corporate gigs which- and they pay silly money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I mean, this guy's earning, you know and really er- earning beyond his talent.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Alright? So-

Ricky: So I think I deserve a little bit more than a little Manc eating a biscuit while I'm talking.

Steve: Rick- Rick Gervais?

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Have you won a BAFTA?

Ricky: Yeah, 2.

Steve: Alright so-

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Just a little bit of respect?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Karl, what have you won? What have you won?

Karl: Well the thing- I- I got a errr I got a- got a bronze certificate for doing a full week at school.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: That's great.

Steve: It was only a bronze.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What's that then? 3 of 5 days?

Steve Laughs

Karl: And er- and I got me a little crusader's badge if you- if you remember.

Steve: What's the little crusader's badge?

Ricky: The what?

Karl: Crusader's badge for the religious club, so-

Ricky: Oh is that the fella where you played ping pong ball-

Steve: Where you had to go to-

Ricky: And then they wanted to talk to you about God?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You got a crusader's badge, did you?

Karl: Yeah, that's why I went, that's why I joined, that's why I joined.

Steve: For the badge.

Karl: I liked- i liked the little badge. Did 4 weeks then packed it in. But er- we were talking about MTV, right? And I was feelin' a bit nervous wan't I? About... about like, you know the way I look.

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Right

Karl: And wha' have ya. And then I watched a bit of Celebrity Big Brother and all the fuss that Mark Owen's gettin' and he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: He's- he's very- I- I- I like wanted to be Mark Owen's mate. If anybody knows Mark Owen or if Mark Owen's listenin' I wanna be his mate.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I think he's brilliant.

Karl: I think he's a nice lad but what I'm saying is, right, all the girls go mad over him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: Well, no he's got a- he is in a certain way isn't he? That sort of er- non threatening sort of-

Karl: Yeah but he's not- he's not stunnin' is he? D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well, no but no he-

Steve: Well what's your definition of stunning?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well-

Ricky: Who do you like?

Karl: Someone who you look at and you go, "God they- they're good looking."

Steve: Which bloke do you fancy?

Ricky: Well- well who- wh- what bloke do you think's attractive then?

Karl: So if I was into men...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: In fact, you can still say a blokes a good looker without like fancying him.

Ricky: Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh, of course you can.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Ricky: Who- who do you think is attractive?

Karl: Probably errrr...

Pause

Karl: Oh... I mean it depends what you're looking for.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Just tell us.

Ricky, Steve and Karl talk simultaneously

Ricky: Who would you say, is like, stunning in your definition?

Karl: A good looking lad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Good looking lad. Er, okay there's... errr... ooo...

Karl Sighs

Steve: D'ya find ya know, Robbie Williams, do you find him attractive?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Boy next door look.

Ricky: No, no. Who d'ya- Karl, hurry up cause it's, you know, we've only got 2 hours.

Karl: Probably... ehh...

Pause

Karl: D'you know, I-- I can't think of one offhand, Mark Owen is- is pretty good looking then, really. Ehh...

Steve: What there's not- just name one bloke that you think's an attractive guy. There must be one bloke that you've either met or that you've, you know, seen in a pub. Or-

Ricky: Who do you think…?

Steve: ..on a poster.

Karl: Tell you what.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Tell ya what, erm, works here, erm, young Alex Zane.

Ricky and Steve tease Karl.

Steve: Oooooo! Helloooooo! Ooooooo…

Ricky: Ooooo,! Ooooo little Alex! Ooo I love you Alex! Oooooo!...

Song: Feeder - “Just the Way I'm Feeling”


Re-Introduction

Ricky: Brilliant. I love that. That- that's like erm a Ride song or summat.That's my favourite track.

Steve: Mmhm That's Ride-ish.

Ricky: Ride-ish, Feeder "Just the Way I'm Feeling" on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Rick, quick question for you.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I'm thinking erm a lot of people may- maybe tuning in for the first time cause of the advertising campaign.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Should we re-introduce Karl again? I know- I know we've done this a few times in the past but just worried that people are gonna not, you know, not really kind of get the measure of him if they're new listeners.

Ricky: I'm- I'm- I'm yeah, let's do it, I'm Ricky Gervais er,the one off The Office.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve Merchant, he's not the one in The Office, he's not- he's not Gareth. Some people think he is, he's got a funny, weird, West Country accent.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: That actually Mackenzie was affecting.

Steve: Uh-hiuh

Ricky: For the role. Steve er wrote it with me. He's tall erm lanky fella. Er, Karl is our erm sort of I say producer but he's the one that presses the buttons because I'm just too... Yeah, but I mean it was just cause I was too big to run the desk.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Erm, like I used to have to do it.

Steve: Heh, Literally too big, you couldn't...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: And then we discovered that, you know, he looked a bit like a boring sort of (in Manc accent) "Alright? Yeah." But then when we sort of st- you know poked him with a stick he came up with erm er he doesn't realize but some of the, I think some of the funniest things...

Steve: Some of the most extraordinary things you've ever heard.

Ricky: Yeah, erm, say hello Karl.

Karl: Alright

Ricky: Yeah, errrm.

Steve: Well classics, I think, so far gone straight to the list include, "Have you ever used a Y-front correctly?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Er you never see an old person...

Steve: Eating a Twix.

Ricky: Eatin' a Twix. These are the sort of things. Er he- he's back on his campaign to get rid of jellyfish. Why is that, Karl?

Karl: Awww did you see the paper yesterday?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: There's a jellyfish...

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Alright.

Karl: It's about... 15 foot long, 'bout 5 foot wide.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: And er, there's a fella swimmin' next to it and the paper's going all, "Look at this we've found, there's loads of 'em in Japan."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm and it's cos they all- they er the water's gettin' hot so it's making jellyfish really big.

Steve: Oh dear. How is the campaign going to get jellyfish rid, you know, get rid of 'em?

Ricky: What- what's your point about jellyfish? Just they don't do anything?

Karl: There's no point, they get in the way, they ruin me holiday.

Steve: Uh-huh

Karl: Cos I got stung by one.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, and I don't-

Ricky: But you think the same thing about Liverpudlians and we can't just go around, you know, wiping out things that ruin your holiday.

Karl: Well let's do the jellyfish first and then we'll move onto the Scousers.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Erm, but yeah, I dunno what they do. And I'm still- I mean I'm trying to look on the internet, I mean I've been busy this week.

Ricky: You're on jellyfish now, not Scousers?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: You don't know what the difference is.

Steve: I don't know what they do either.

Ricky laughs

Karl: To try and work out what would happen with the sea if it didn't work cos they say like if there's no-

Ricky: What!?

Steve: Hey slow down.

Ricky: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. See that is what we're talking about, people listen the first time they've gotta listen to every word you say. You wanna find out what would happen with the sea if it didn't work?

Karl: If- if- if jellyfish weren't in there, d'ya know what I mean? Cos stuff like corral, apparently the sea would be in a right state if you didn't have any corral, innit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Erm... If fish, d'ya know what I mean, I always worry about how many fish we're sort of eatin' cos you go past...

Steve laughs

Steve: Woah ah, sorry?

Karl: No, D'ya know like you go in Marks and Spencers or Selfridges and it's all-

Steve: There's loads of fish in there.

Karl: And there's really fancy stuff that you think they've killed that and it looks good on the counter, pretty impressive.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But is anyone gonna buy it?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? It's a big like a shark sat in ice.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And you go, "Yeah, they've got- they've got like a lot of fish for sale..."

Ricky: Are you sure you weren't going round the Tate Gallery? what-

Karl: But, d'ya know what I mean? It's in Selfridges.

Ricky: Well I've never seen a big shark sat in ice in Selfridges.

Karl: They do. They do it. And then it's like you go in the morning and you can go back at night and the same shark's sat there and it's- it's-

Ricky: You know it's the same shark d'ya?

Karl: It's the same one.

Ricky: S-s-same what? same face?

Steve: You sure he just hasn't lost his mum and he's just like he went shopping for the Christmas shopping and he's just like stranded, he don't know where- he's just waiting.

Ricky laughs

Karl: You know I'm right.

Steve: I've never seen a shark in Selfridges.

Karl: Well, alright then say maybe that's one day a week but another day it's like-

Ricky: Shark Monday, I think y-y-yeah at Selfridges, "Today at Selfridges it's Shark Monday."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No it's just that-

Steve: So your point is that there's all these fish not being eaten.

Karl: Yeah

Steve: And they're being killed

Karl: So, they're takin' 'em out of the sea, no one's eatin' 'em...

Steve: And you're worried what that the sea's gonna rise cause the more things you take out...

Karl: Well I just dunno if it's gonna rise.

Ricky: Cause they- cause the fish drink it, don't they and that keeps the water level down.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No but you know- you know what I mean there's stuff- there's stuff at work...

Steve: Was it you who said...

Karl: ...that worries me.

Steve: Was it you that said that you're worried that cause, you know, there's sponge in the sea.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: That if they took it all away-

Ricky: No.

Steve: Was that- was that you?

Ricky: That's the Steven Wright joke.

Steve: Is that Steven Wright? What's the joke?

Ricky: Yeah, sponges grow in the sea, that kills me, how deep would it be if they didn't?

Steve laughs

Ricky: I love the fact that he confused you with Steven Wright who- who for a living purposely says ridiculous things.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Does that worry you, Karl?

Karl: Errr...

Steve: Well think about that and play a record.

Karl: What d'ya want? What d'ya want?

Ricky: Oh, I'd love to hear a classic, a beautiful song by Simon and Garfunkel "April Come She Will."

Song: Simon and Garfunkel - “April Come She Will”


The Last Few Weeks Have Been Genius!

Ricky: "April Come She Will" Simon and Garfunkel.

Steve: That was in the days when they kept songs short.

Ricky: Short and sweet.

Steve: To the point.

Ricky: What d'ya think of that, Karl? As a track?

Karl: Yeah yeah, it was good.

Ricky: Yeah? You like that d'ya?

Karl: Yeah, it's a good one, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah excellent. Erm so yeah so er- that- that's erm- that's Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Coming up on the show we've got Educating Ricky...

Karl: I'm not happy with this.

Ricky: Oh really? Cause the last few weeks have been genius.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What is there- is there a drop in quality is there, of the education of me?

Karl: It's just like I said I've wasted a lot of time this week searching on the web, right? Er...

Ricky: You wasted a lot of time searching on the web because you come up with things that aren't true. Why don’t you look in books and verified sort of like journals...

Karl: The web is the new book though, innit?

Steve: No.

Ricky: The web is the new book.

Karl: It is, it’s a new library. So I've been searching there's hardly anything. I spoke to ya in the week.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Erm about Monday or Tuesday.

Ricky: What did you say? There's nothing happened this week in the world apart from…

Karl: There's nothing going on there was a new car wash that you can put dogs in.

Ricky laughs

Steve: There was a car wash you can put dogs in?

Ricky: He said that's the only thing that's happened in the world.

Ricky coughs

Karl: And that and the jellyfish but we've covered that so...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: So we've got- yeah- we- we’ve- I’ve managed to find some bits but it's not that good. Erm Rockbusters...

Ricky: Yeah you- you've really G’d up, so that's coming up, the thing that's not that good...

Steve: Yeah, yeah look forward to that.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Could you just quickly tell us about the car wash for the dog innit as that...

Steve: I don't know what's the story?

Ricky: They didn't make the top three.

Karl: I di- I didn't- I didn't waste that much time on it to be honest.

Ricky: What did it say?

Karl: It just said erm, you know, “How busy are ya? Er, have you got a dog?”

Ricky coughs

Karl: Erm “How about saving some time. There's some car wash out erm... it's- it’s not a car wash it's a dog wash.” Erm... you take it down there, put your coin in, put your dog in, and it comes out clean. See there's nothing in it.

Ricky: Is this- is this called a bath? Isn't it?

Karl: No but it's like a machine.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: There's a machine. But- but we'll le- you know, that's why I didn't pick it.

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we've got- we've got some bits coming up. Er, Rockbusters.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Rick can I just er... can I just explain some of the prizes we've got here for Rockbusters? Because I just want you to try and picture, if you would, the kind of Xfm listener who'd particularly want this collection- this collection of- of- of gifts.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You've got the erm, the best chill-out album ever, this is the one as I've said before that's largely made up of songs you may have heard in adverts.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: So you've got the erm- the Volvo advert on there...

Ricky: Yeah. Any phones- any phones?

Steve: T-Mobile.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: That's on there, so erm- that's some right songs so look forward to that. Erm... yeah again just- just imagine which Xfm listener is particularly looking forward to Top of the Morning with Terry Wogan...

Ricky laughs

Steve: His er- two disc set there. You got er- it starts with erm- er- The Bangles on there we've got Billy Joel "River of Dreams" er "Shine On" by Mr. Chris de Burgh, so erm...

Ricky: So that's good.

Steve: So just look forward to that er...

Ricky coughs

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: We've got the Only Fools and Horses last year's Christmas special. We gave one of those away last year- er last week but er- still more to er, shift.

Ricky: Is there- is there- do I spy a little three… car?

Steve: And yes a little three- three wheel trotter independent er training three wheel car so...

Ricky: Oooooooo.

Steve: So that's there as well. So erm- as ya say if you- if you like fairly er- good comedy.

Ricky: And little little Jonathan Ross's face there.

Steve: Yeah on the back.

Ricky: Awww.

Steve: And er- maybe you also want er... Geri Halliwell's "Body Yoga" DVD Rick, so erm.

Ricky: Sure yeah well that's good quality.

Steve: And then just a few token er- Xfm kind of things. We've got er The Manic Street Preachers DVD and er- the U2 Best of...

Ricky: And er- tell me Steve how do er- the lucky winner- er listeners win these?

Steve: Rick, I'm glad you've asked. What they do is they email in with the answers to Rockbusters which is a quiz to...

Ricky: Hold on- hold on though how do they email if they don't know the email address?

Steve: Rick, again, thanks for asking thanks for flagging that up. Erm- ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. That will be coming up shortly. Erm- try and get into the mindset of Karl Pilkington. A lot of people have been trying to email in answers trying to think through kind of logically.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Or maybe based on the rules that they've picked up over the years.

Ricky: Or when he says it's a cryptic clue they believed him.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So er- you've just got to think more like a mentalist to try and get it.

Karl: Right, first of all, right, the prizes that I source every week...

Steve: Explain yourself.

Karl: Erm, what I've said to you we're doing between now and Christmas, cause there's just a few weeks til Christmas...

Steve: Right.

Karl: I thought I'd make up sort of family packs...

Steve: Ok.

Karl: That erm- the winner can have something, say like erm- there's a nice U2 album in there right? So the winner might wanna keep that. But they can get rid of the Geri yoga thing...

Ricky: They can give Only Fools and Horses to an uncle...

Karl: ...To the dad

Ricky: To the dad, yeah. The mum- I think the mum would love the Terry Wogan.

Karl: Yeah, yeah. The yoga for your sister.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And all that.

Steve: So is that- that- is that what you thought through was it? Or- or was it that there was a load of junk in the office?

Ricky: Did- or- or did you scoop em up with two arms and this is as much as you can carry down the corridor?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: A little bit of that.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: But that's me er- that's me workings on why we've got all that.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Brilliant. That's excellent.

Steve: Makes a lot of sense.

Ricky: Er that's coming up erm- what?

Karl: And me- and me mum's sent some more.

Steve: What we also need you to know is...

Ricky: Let him- he's got a little- he's got a letter from his mum.

Karl: Me mum did some more Rockbusters for us.

Ricky: I reckon- I reckon they're secretly listening Karl. They've said they're not listening but I reckon they are.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Does that worry ya?

Steve: Well let's play a record and let's hear erm- let's hear your mum's Rockbusters.

Karl: Bit of Warren G?

Steve: Awwww.

Ricky: Awwww.

Steve: Karl, well done mate, well done.

Ricky: I hope Nate's involved.

Steve: Nate Dogg?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I hope so, I hope so.

Song: Warren G - “Regulate”


Like Fatts Waller!

Song: Nirvana - “You Know You're Right”

Ricky: Nirvana "You Know You're Right" on Xfm 104.9. I had to er... meet the er- doctor for the- for this fight thing in the week and er- er- it's the one who's off erm... Big Brother.

Steve: So the doctor's?

Ricky: Yeah. and erm- but she's a medical doctor she's sort of erm- ya know er- big in the- in the boxing sort of world as well. And erm- one of the tests, I had to do a punch test, the other test I had to do was to get in the Bod Pod ya know...

Steve: Really off Celebrity...

Ricky: Celebrity...

Steve: Like Fats Waller.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Had he wiped it down?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah and er- I was a little bit nervous and er-

Steve: So what does this do? What exactly does it do the Bod Pod?

Ricky: What it does is it er- you do er- erm- a- a displacement sort of calibration with a known volume.

Steve: Alright just bear in mind that Karl's listening so you wanna explain that in...

Ricky: Ok what it does Karl is it works out your density.

Steve: Ok again...

Ricky: Thr- thr- through displacement it knows how much your- what your volume is for the air displaced, right, in this- in this thing. And erm...

Steve: In layman's terms what does it tell you?

Ricky: Er- it- it tells you- well it knows- well it knows- it knows what muscle weighs, it knows what fat weighs, it knows you average density, of y-y-y-your skeleton, er- what height you have in there. So it works out from your volume and your density erm- it can work out therefore probably what percentage of that is muscle, fat, bone, et cetera.

Karl: W-what if you put in one of those erm-

Ricky: Oh God...

Karl: No go on then.

Ricky: No go on what were you gonna ask what- what-

Karl: J-just what would it do if you put in one of those pug dogs?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Put in one of those what?

Ricky: What do you mean what would it do?

Steve: Like on Ricky's lap?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Do you know those dogs that are all wrinkly and have got too much skin for the skeleton?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it's all like caving in and folding over?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Would the machine go, "Well we know what you are so it's alright?" Or would it say, "Oh what's going on here?"

Steve: It can't compute, yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? Like last week when you were like having a go...

Ricky: Why would you- why do you wanna confuse machines? D'ya remember when he put in "Why" into a computer search engine to try and confuse it? I love the fact...

Steve: I thought-

Ricky: I wanted the computer to come back, "Why not?" and your head explode. I mean I love the idea that you're trying to wha- what I mean di-

Steve: It's better than what I thought you were gonna say which is, "What if you put a fly in there?"

Ricky and Steve talk simultaneously

Ricky: Erm- but anyway-

Steve: So anyway what percentage of you is muscle and what percentage of you is fat?

Ricky: Erm- I'm er- I'm 25% fat.

Steve: 25% fat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now what's Rik Waller?

Ricky: And my- and most of me is muscle. Erm- er- bone density and that. Rik Waller was 60% fat which I've looked into it and apparently it's exactly the same as a pork scratching.

Steve: Wow that's extraordinary.

Ricky: So he is- he is...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The equivalent of a 30 stone… pork scratching.

Steve: A living… yeah, of a giant pork scratching.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So erm- is 20% fat is that good or bad?

Ricky: No 20%'s alright, 25% is over

Steve: Right.

Ricky: I- I erm- men, healthy, fit, lean men erm are about 18, 20. Erm-

Steve: Right, so you're a healthy, fit, lean man?

Ricky: No 18 20, I'm 25.

Steve: Oh you're 25.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah so I'm 5%...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Erm over. And a boxer- a boxer that- that is in peak ya know with the basically you've seen the ones they just look ya know, like Bruce Lee.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They're 8% fat.

Steve: 8% wow.

Ricky: So er- I mean-

Steve: Is that good for you?

Ricky: Erm- well I don't think it's that bad for ya, I mean, ya know you need er- fat.

Steve: Cause Bruce Lie- Bruce Lee supposedly er- I mean there's many rumours, I'm sure you're fascinated by them Karl, conspiracy theories surrounding Bruce Lee's death.

Karl: No.

Steve: One of which is that he- his body was in the peak of physical perfection, he had an aspirin cause of a headache and it reacted with his- his- just the impurities in the aspirin killed him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah you've-

Ricky: I love that he- cause it- cause it's sorta like quite interesting and a bit weird.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He'll have that.

Steve: Yes that's fact.

Ricky: He'll have that.

Steve: Well are you aware of the fact that supposedly he actually cheated death? He actually faked his own death so he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police. You aware of that?

Karl: Er-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Do you believe that as well? Not so su- not so convinced.

Karl: I dunno.

Ricky: Do you believe he can kill a man by puttin' all his energy into a trembling hand and touch him and every blood vessel burst?

Karl: Well it's just another form of trickery, innit? I mean you met up with er- with Derren didn't you?

Ricky: Derren Brown, yeah.

Karl: Derren Brown.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah he's incredible he's probably Britain's best illusionist if you don't mind me saying.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I'll talk about that later.

Steve: He can put that on the poster if he wants.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Tell you what though, right? Changing the subject a bit…

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: we're talking about a fly gettin' in that pod.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm- read in the week when I was searching for stuff to educate ya know the educate Ricky section.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Which we will get to.

Ricky: You wanna answer that phone cause it's annoying me.

Karl sighs

Ricky: Who's phoning?

Karl: I dunno it's obviously someone who doesn't know that you're talking at the moment so leave it.

Ricky: Look at those-

Steve: Finish your point, let him finish his point.

Ricky: It could be- it could be erm-

Karl: Leave it.

Ricky: It could be the head of...

Karl: Leave it.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Steve: It could be the head of Xfm?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (in high pitch voice) Oh I'm so scared. I'm Ricky Gervais I've got awards but I'm really scared. We must answer the phone.

Ricky: No, no, no. I wanna embarrass him on air going, "Don't call me when I'm working."

Steve: Nice. High five. Raging against the machine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve high five

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Raging against the machine.

Karl: Right so we were talking about flies…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Gettin' in the pod and d'ya know like how erm... a Barbie doll if it was real it wouldn't be able to work? D'ya know what I mean? A Barbie doll if a woman had the...

Ricky: Proportions.

Karl: Yeah, she wouldn't be able to tie her shoelaces up an' stuff cos her legs are too long for her back an' all that. Flies, scientists can't work out how they fly.

Ricky: It's a bee.

Steve: It's a bee. It's a bee not a fly.

Karl: No a fly as well.

Ricky: No.

Karl: A fly is- apparently its body is like too big for its wings, and erm- they still can't work it out.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I'll- I'll...

Steve: Which in your mind says what? Something spooky?

Ricky: They- they have worked it out they...

Karl sighs

Ricky: It's the fact that what they do the- the- the wing actually beats a ridiculous- about 150 times a second. So it displaces air.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So they have worked it out.

Ricky: I know what you mean. I know what you mean it's- it's incredible that it can fly cause it has such small wings.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: And it's a bee not a fly.

Steve: Yeah, but other than that, good point.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Alright then, bit of Bowie?

Ricky: Aw, another classic, "Be My Wife" off the Low album, David Bowie.

Song: David Bowie - “Be My Wife”


Don't Keep Suckin' It

Ricky: David Bowie.

Steve: That's cracking.

Ricky: "Be My Wife" off Low.

Steve: Very good indeed.

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: Rick, I- you know my frustration with the homeless.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know they wind me up.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Walking through So Ho last night I saw a homeless fella reading a book.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well I'll tell ya this, if he's got the where with all to read a book...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right, he's obviously, ya know, he- he wants to keep himself occupied- his mind occupied, his mind educated.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: My point is, why not, instead of reading a book, have a quick look through the job vacancy section of the Evening Standard? Or maybe just take the time to fill in some kind of application form for, ya know, maybe... ya know er...a job or something like that.

Ricky: See what you're confusing there is the- is the-

Steve: No no no no no no.

Ricky: Is the- is the ability to read with the ability to house yourself.

Steve: Well no because what I'm saying is it seems to me he's obviously got a certain, ya know, grasp psychologically of ya know his where with all...

Ricky: They're not mental, people who haven't got houses

Steve: Well, a lot of 'em are, Rick.

Ricky: Well what about-

Steve: I see them dancing and shouting and screaming ya know and pissing in doorways and stuff.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeah, you're confusing homelessness with trampiness.

Steve: Well again, ya know, Rick...

Ricky: Some people just have left home and they haven't got a-

Steve: Listen, Gervais I'm not a sociologist.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Sorry if I can't spot all the clever distinctions...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...that a trained expert such as yourself can.

Ricky: Well...

Steve: All I know is there was a fella reading a book.

Ricky: Well ya know- ya know the ones that have got beards...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: ...and sing little tunes, and they smell of piss, right.

Steve: They're my favourite, they're my favourite, they are brilliant.

Ricky: And they're drinking special brew...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...That's an alcoholic tramp right.

Steve: Ok yeah.

Ricky: Ya know the ones that sit with a dog or sell the issue? They just- they just haven't got their own place.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: D'ya see?

Steve: Ok. Well again I mean there's a- cause I- it is tricky finding a place, I know cause I had to move house recently and it's a nightmare. I had to get like estate agents on it and I had to go and see a load of places and I was doing a job as well, ya know, and I still managed to fit it in. These guys just loungin' around on the street.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I'm surprised they can't find a place.

Ricky: He should've have found loads of places to live.

Steve: I'm surprised he can't find the time to visit a couple of different residences.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause there's some pretty cheap ones ya know, if you go kind of a bit farther out of London. Maybe it's cause he wants to live in the So Ho area and frankly it's expensive.

Ricky: I don't- what I'm confused about is the number of homeless people that recognize me and say they enjoyed The Office.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: They've gotta be watching it through Dixon's window.

Steve: I think that's probably the demographic that's sort of hung over from some of your previous TV work.

Ricky: The 11 O' Clock Show?

Steve: Yeah, ya know, or stuff like that or...

Ricky: The one that used to set fire to.

Steve: Yeah exactly yeah.

Ricky: Tramps and the French probably.

Steve: Yeah exactly.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: So yeah. Or maybe sort of people who watched ya know have watched the show and then have fallen on hard times since then, I don't know. They're not necessarily linked.

Ricky: No I wouldn't- I wouldn't have thought so. Karl's lost. Karl's lost in this conversation. Karl, are we boring you then?

Karl: No no no it's just er... I dunno it's a bit tight innit?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Cos it's like I- I sometimes think it could have been me when I- when I see a homeless people an' that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I just think, ya know, I nearly killed a man once, it could have totally changed me life.

Ricky: So whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

Steve: Yeah, you wanna slow down mate, just wanna back up for a second.

Karl: No that time when I was in Wales, right, and I picked up a big piece of slate and chucked it off the cliff.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: Alright? And it nearly hit a fella.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right in that split second if he would have decided to sort of go and pick up a shell that was close to the sea...

Steve laughs

Karl: He- he- he- it could have hit him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I would of killed him and I- and I wouldn't be sat here today.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So it's just all about luck innit?

Steve: Right

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? So... er... dunno that's about it really that's- that's...

Ricky: Is that the point? It's a political social point.

Steve: So what is the point? There but- but for the grace of God goes I.

Ricky: Yeah, no he's saying- he's saying, ya know, we should count our blessings because, ya know, anything can happen.

Steve: Yeah. Sure sure.

Ricky: Ya never know what's around the corner.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: It's like if Karl hadn't met us he'd still be in a little room making jingles. Now he is a respected household name.

Steve: Do you think he packed the book before he left home to become homeless? He thought, "Right, I'm gonna need the clothes, I'm gonna need the cigarettes, I'm gonna need the dog and the piece of string, and I'm probably gonna need some- probably gonna need some reading literature as well cause I'm gonna get pretty bored like just sittin' in the street begging all day."

Ricky: Yeah. D'ya know maybe it's- maybe-

Steve: Or maybe I should take- I wanna catch up on some of the stuff I haven't read, ya know.

Ricky: Or maybe it's one of those themed holidays, ya know the trendy middle class people?

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They go on like adventure the holidays and danger holidays and... maybe then the latest one amongst sort of like yuppie types...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Is er- homeless holidays.

Steve: Exactly, yeah.

Ricky: They they they pay like 10 thousand pounds...

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And they really get the experience.

Steve: They get a little area on the streets of So Ho.

Ricky: And people come up to them and abuse them.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They're- they're all shouting- they're all actors, yeah.

Steve: They get beaten up at night when they're sleeping under a bridge.

Ricky: They- they- they ya know, they get to try a really safe sort of form of heroin.

Steve: Sure.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, erm- erm...

Steve: That sounds brilliant though. That's- that's worth marketin' Rick.

Ricky: Themed holidays.

Steve: Themed holidays like that- you can have homeless...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You can have like rent boy holidays.

Ricky laughs hysterically

Steve: Find out what it's like to be a rent boy for 3 weeks.

Ricky: Yeah and the- yeah and the-

Steve: And make a little bit of money on the side.

Ricky: They have to wean 'em off it.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah and they go, "No…

Ricky and Steve: Don't keep suckin' it.

Steve: You can stop that.

Ricky: You've finished now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You- you- you're a bank manager again.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I've just got the taste for it, to be honest.

Steve: Can that happen? I just-

Ricky bursts into laughter

Steve: No, it's worth knowing if that- if that is a possibility.

Ricky: Look Karl. Look, Karl's worried. What? We haven't said anything.

Steve: We didn't say anything, we were just talking about a possible holiday.

Ricky: We didn't say anything wrong, Karl. Don't it's- they'll be no complaints we haven't said anything . The word suck, as far as I can work out...

Karl: Awww

Ricky: No! It's not a banned word on the radio.

Karl: Is it- is it Rockbusters time?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ok, yeah, Rockbusters.

Steve: Well let's- let's play a tune then we can come back with Rockbusters. Are we gonna hear your mum's before then?

Ricky: Mmm best holiday I've ever had.

Ricky makes sucking noises

Steve: I'm gettin' the taste, Rick.

Ricky: Mmmmmmm.

Song: My Morning Jacket - “Lowdown”


Dickie Anderson

Steve: That's a new American band called My Morning Jacket from the sweet easy, ya know, that's called "Lowdown."

Ricky: Like that.

Steve: Yeah, nice.

Ricky: Good, yeah. Erm... I've brought in some adverts, my favourite adverts to play.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah it's all- they're all new ones as well.

Steve: We've got those now? Shall we hear them?

Karl: D'ya wanna do those now?

Ricky: Ohhhh...

Karl: Or keep 'em listenin' and do 'em later?

Ricky: No, do 'em now.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Oh they are good.

Adverts

Ricky: Xfm indeed, Steve.

Steve: Absolutely. Sorry, I was fiddling around here.

Ricky: Er- what you looking at?

Steve: Well, I was just looking at some of the emails and if I can find it I've got an absolute treat for ya.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Dickie Anderson...

Ricky: Is he...

Steve: Anders, he's emailed in again.

Ricky: Richard Anderson, our biggest fan.

Steve: Biggest fan. He said er- "Dear Ricky, sorry for not tuning in recently only I've been busy watching a puddle evaporate. Glad to hear you haven't tinkered with the show's winning formula by trying to introduce any quality into it."

Ricky laughs

Steve: That's written by Richard Anderson, so er- good job Dickie Anderson listening again.

Ricky: Oh, God...

Steve: Cause he's- he just he keeps us on our toes, ya know.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And er- good work, Rich. Thanks for that.

Ricky: I wonder what he looks like.

Steve: Dickie Anderson?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I think he's a good looking guy. For some reason I've always imagined him as being slightly older with maybe a beard.

Ricky: Oh no I think- I think...

Steve: D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: I think of him sort of cords and a sweater.

Steve: Definitely cords.

Ricky: I think he looks like erm... maybe The Proclaimers.

Steve: Yeah, but again with a beard or at least a mustache.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Don't know why I'm seeing some kind of facial hair.

Ricky: And it's sort of like he- he's sort of like- he likes The Cure and The Smiths an' that. But er... and er- he snarls at everything, he thinks everything is puerile.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I bet he prefers Radio 5.

Steve: D'ya think Radio 5?

Ricky: Yeah, five...

Steve: Yeah, yeah

Ricky: And 4.

Steve: I bet he's a real music snob as well. I bet it's like- there's certain bands he's like, "Rubbish. The Blazing Squad? Rubbish. All pop music. Rubbish. Britney Spears. Rubbish."

Ricky: Is- is- is this defamation of character?

Steve: Erm... he slagged you off enough times, Rick, and the show, I dunno if that's...

Ricky: And I'm only saying it's my opinion...

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I imagine- so erm- ya know.

Steve: Yeah, but you don't know him you know- he could be a lovely guy.

Ricky: I'm getting- to be honest I'm getting to like him.

Steve: What I like about Richard is he- he's willing to say what he thinks.

Ricky: Well, it's not- it's more than that.

Steve: He's a bit like Eminem.

Ricky: No, it's like, yeah. No it's more than that, he hits on the truth too often.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...for my liking.

Steve: Yeah well that's...

Ricky: I mean this is a shoddy show with very very little to offer.

Steve: You gotta remember though it is a er- bronze winning show.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: It did win a bronze award at the Sony's last year.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: One of the most coveted of the awards.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: In my- in my opinion the bronze is slightly better than the gold.

Steve: Well, a lot of people don't win the bronze, Rick. You gotta remember that- that there's not many people winning...

Ricky: You see gold is- ya know- gold's got no intrinsic value it's just a currency. In my opinion bronze is better.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: In a way. Karl, Rockbusters. Your mum... Karl!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Listen.

Karl: Now we er-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We did get a bronze but this year we introduced Rockbusters, things will be changing.

Ricky laughs

Karl: So er-

Steve: Hey, hey we didn't introduce Rockbusters, Karl. Please don't tar us with that brush.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You introduced it.

Ricky: And also d'ya remember do- do- d'ya remember the show that got that bronze was the show with the complaint that was upheld by the radio authority.

Steve: Was it really?

Ricky: Yeah, the show that got- that got the award and was nominated was one with the only upheld complaint we've ever had.

Steve: D'you think if we hadn't discussed that particular subject for quite as long we could have got the silver?

Ricky: Erm- I think it was the mention of... and I say- I say this meaning male birds...

Karl: Ohhhhh

Ricky: …of all the cocks.

Steve: Yeah, but do you think the Sony committee was going, "I enjoyed the show, if they hadn't mentioned cocks..."

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: "...meaning birds..."

Ricky: Yeah, meaning birds, yeah.

Steve: "...I would've given it the silver."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So er...

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Look at Karl gettin' nervous.

Karl: Rockbusters then.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: Er- a chance to win all that stuff Steve was talking about before.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Erm... we give initials and a cryptic clue and it's a band and there's 3 of 'em and you email in ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright? You want to hear me mum's?

Steve: Well, I think before you give us your own we should hear your mum's just to sort of set the tone and they can get their heads around the whole...

Karl: She sent some more, they're still not that up to scratch, erm...

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So... first one, this group would be nice on toast.

Steve: Marmalade?

Ricky: Jam.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Which one?

Karl: Jam.

Steve: Okay, marmalade would've worked.

Ricky: Marmalade's just as good, yeah.

Karl: This man liked his wine.

Steve: This man liked his wine?

pause

Karl: Dean Martin.

Steve laughs

Steve: What?

Ricky: So no cryptic clue, just a man who drinks.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Er...

Steve: Ha! Isn't there like...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. That man likes his wine!

Steve: I don't think anyone would have ever got that one.

Ricky still laughing

Ricky: That's fantastic! This man liked his wine. Dean Martin. This man liked his golf...

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh, Clubby... Clubby... oh Clubby Chipface? No, erm- Bunk- Bunk- Bunker Smith

Steve: Bing Crosby.

Ricky: Bing Crosby, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He liked his golf, yeah. Er- that- that's genius. This man liked his wine.

Karl: Er... just got one more. Hope you're not speeding when you meet these. The Police.

Ricky bursts

Ricky: Oh, it's great! Ohhhh

Karl: And er... see any other good ones. Sounds like these lads work for the hospital.

Ricky: The- The- The Porters? Erm...

Steve: Say that again.

Karl: Sounds like these lads er- worked for the hospital.

pause

Karl: Jerry and the Pacemakers.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Right...

Karl: So...

Steve: Karl, I have to say if there was ever, in the future, any doubt that you were your mother's son that would pay that.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Believe me you are a chip off the old block.

Ricky: Well okay, well let's erm- let's er- shall we have a little record and then Educating Ricky and Rockbusters? That's where it really starts.

Steve: Let's just remind everybody of the prizes.

Ricky coughs

Steve: Geri Halliwell's yoga video er- DVD video, I think it's the latest one in that particular series so if you've already worked yourself up to, ya know, you're looking pretty good.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But there's still a little bit of er- flab maybe around the arse or breast area then Geri can help you out there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We've got er- Only Fools and Horses, this is the Christmas special from last year. Erm- Jonathan Ross was giving that away on his morning show this morning, I don't know if they're just trying to get rid of 'em.

Ricky: Oh, you're joking.

Steve: Erm- Top of the Morning to You! from Terry Wogan, that's his er-

Ricky laughs

Steve: 2 disc CD.

Ricky: I'm sure they were giving that away as well, weren't they?

Steve: You've got the likes of the love theme from Top Gun, obviously "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin, that's on there. Er- what else we got? We got The Pretenders, you mentioned them earlier, Allison Moyer's on there. Er- Annie Lennox featuring Paul Simon.

Ricky: I still call her Alf!

Steve: Loaf is on there, I'm talking of the Meat variety.

Ricky: Ohhh HAHA!

Steve: Miss Tina Turner, "On Silent Wings." There's a- ya know, incredible selection there. Perfect for say, mum or erm- a- a deaf aunt.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Erm- that haha, that's the Manic Street Preachers

Ricky: How's your aunt anyway? How's your aunt? The one who farted for 5 minutes, Karl?

Steve: Also U2 er-

Karl: Not doing that well.

Ricky: What's up with her?

Karl: I dunno.

Steve: ... the best chill out album there.

Ricky: Eh? Is she alright?

Karl: yeah, she'll be alright.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Ok guys, so that's the prizes up for grabs.

Ricky: Sorry, we were having 2 conversations there.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I- I think we're a little bit too relaxed in this show.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I mean, people tuning in will just think, "Do those 3 people know they're going out live? Or is that a conversation like- between the records?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I- I- It's- d'ya know what I mean?

Steve: It probably sounds like, yeah, the record is playing.

Ricky laughs

Steve: We thought the record was playing and we're just chatting.

Ricky: Oh dear. What we got- what've we got, Karl, what we got? Karl, Karl, KarlKarlKarl. Karl, Karl, Karl come on.

Song: Eminem - “Lose Yourself”


Whine Merchant

Ricky: Eminem. "Lose Yourself" back on form there.

Steve: Absolutely, yeah that's a good tune.

Ricky: Yeah. Good, good. On Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington, more importantly. Karl, come on then.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: I need some education, Karl.

Steve: Oh, no it's Rockbusters.

Ricky: I know, but I need education, I need some education.

Steve: I know, but we promised some Rockbusters.

Karl: Educating Ricky er- we'll be ditching before Christmas.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: It will be going.

Ricky: Why? Cause there's nothing out there.

Karl: It's just struggling. I was thinking on the way in today I can either do erm... doing something more with Steve cos we've done, like, the Ricky angle. Either we can do er-

Ricky: Educating Steve?

Karl: No either like a bit of a call my bluff type thing but it's like a con Merchant and I have to like trick ya.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Con Merchant I like it.

Karl: Con and you're Merchant. And then- or I was thinking something that you just do, do some work and you have a moan for a bit and that's a bit- that's like a Whine Merchant innit. You just like whine on about something.

Steve laughs

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Again I just- the pun comes first with you, yeah?

Steve: I suspect it works like that first.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's like erm- I remember I told you I came up with a couple of sitcoms for me.

Karl: Go on.

Steve: One is I've got an imaginary navy called Merchant's Navy.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Just that kind of navy and the premise is I've got a navy.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And another one is I live in-

Ricky: And that's as far as he's got as well.

Steve: Yeah, that's all I've come up with. Er- you got any other ideas there, Karl?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: That would be much appreciated. The other one is I live in quite a salubrious part of North London and that's called Merchant of Little Venice and I live in Little Venice. And er- again I don't know what happens. I don't know what happens but er- any ideas.

Ricky coughs

Steve: ...Karl, ya know.

Ricky: I've got one where I play an Italian waiter and that's called Shaddupa Gervais!

Steve: Yep.

Karl: That's pretty good.

Steve: That's the work we're planning to follow up with The Office.

Ricky: D'ya like that?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah. We'll do something with that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But at the moment we've got Rockbusters.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: So er- these are mine. Erm... number 1: you've been dunking that for too long.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: That's LB, alright.

Steve: You've been dunking that for too long.

Ricky: I've got it. That's too easy. That's too easy.

Karl: But I always tease 'em don't I? Give 'em something to make 'em feel like they're gonna win something and then I hit 'em hard with a tricky one.

Ricky: That doesn't make sense, yeah go on.

Karl: So the first one- so that's the cryptic clue for a band or an artist. Their initials are LB...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...and the cryptic clue, you've been dunking that for too long.

Ricky makes a honking noise

Karl: So that's the first one. Second one: Er- you won't be able to play that game in this pub cos the table ain't big enough.

Steve: HA!

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Could be an old artist, could be a new one, could be a band or...

Ricky: What's the initials?

Karl: Er- FD, alright? FD. You won't be able to play that game in this pub, the table ain't big enough. And the final one: er- well, I've had a rubbish day so I'm happy it's over. Alright? That's- that's the third cryptic clue the initials being GK, alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I've had a rubbish day so I'm happy it's over. There're the 3 clues all you gotta do is email in ricky.gervais@...

Ricky bursts into laughter

Ricky: That's great! That's genius.

Karl: Which one?

Ricky: The last one.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: That is genius.

Karl: Well don't tell 'em. Don't say anything.

Ricky: That's the best one you've ever done.

Karl: Alright. Er- ricky.gervais-

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's great. I don't know the middle one.

Karl: ...@xfm.co.uk

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Email in them 3 answers, you win the stuff. We have still got Educating Ricky.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Go on let's have one, let's have one.

Karl: No I'll give- I'll give you the titles.

Ricky: Give me the titles, yeah, go on then.

Karl: Right, you've got erm- 3 bits of info about that's gone on in the world or-

Ricky: Possibly.

Karl: sort of er-

Ricky: Olden times?

Karl: Olden times.

Ricky: Never go further back than the 17th century do we?

Steve: No let's- let's- let's make it clearer. There's 3 bits of information that people have put on the net.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Whether or not they're true according to our definition.

Ricky: And he still gets it a little bit wrong in translation- and sort of adds bits to it. Yeah, go on.

Karl: Alright so we've got-

Steve: I love it when he plays out those historical dialogues.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know it's like the 15th century but he goes, "So anyway a bloke says to himself, 'I'll tell you what I'll do...'"

Ricky laughs harder

Ricky: So your horse isn't happy? Yeah, go on.

Karl: Right so the 3 that you've gotta pick from you got, Get your kit on we're off down the butchers

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Yeah, let's get your kit on we're off down the butchers, yeah.

Karl: We've got erm- Wash up with you?

Ricky falls over laughing

Steve: Wash up with you?

Ricky: Wash up with yooooou! Aaaahhh! yeah.

Karl: And er- the last one, I couldn't really think of a- a good title for so it's just er- Why don't they just get a diary or some paper or something?

Ricky and Steve burst into laughter

Ricky: Oh play a record!

Steve: We have got to make it into book, this has got to be a book out for Christmas.

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: Chapter headings. Wash up with you.

Song: Aqualung - “Good Times Gonna Come”


Educating Ricky

Ricky: Oasis "Live Forever" on Xfm 104.9. Right, we're in the swing of things. It's my- It's mine and Steve's favourite bit of the whole show this is what we do this show for now. Educating Ricky.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Go for it, Karl.

Karl: Who said that learning can't be fun?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Ok I'll go for the one- what's the one about the butcher? Going down the butcher's shop?

Karl: Ya got er get your kit on we're off down the butchers.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You goin' for that one?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, do you know the saying erm...

Ricky: Oh God.

Karl: ...don't let the cat out of the bag?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D'ya know- d'ya know what it means?

Ricky: Yeah, don't give away a secret.

Karl: Alright, well d'ya know how it came about?

Steve: No.

Ricky: No.

Karl: Well, er... ages ago...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: ...before...

Ricky: Ages ago. 17th century?

Karl: Yep, before like...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah 17's good, yeah.

Karl: ...before like, ya know, proper butchers and Dewhurst and supermarkets an' that, you used to get these blokes who- who sold meat.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Butcher- butchers they were called though I think.

Karl: Yeah, yeah but the difference was they didn't stay in the same place they moved about. Right, so they turn up on a street corner...

Ricky: Right.

Karl: ...and they'd have like loads of carrier bags of like...

Steve: Carrier bags?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Yeah, with, ya know with meat in, an' that. And people would...

Steve: Plastic carrier bags?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah with mobile butcher on them.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Alright, so erm-

Steve: And an email address.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: People went, "Right, yeah I need some meat." Alright so they'd erm- they'd go up to this bloke and er say "What have you got?" And say "Well I've got a- got a, you know you can have a bag full of pig or you can have a... whatever a bag full of chicken, whatever."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And they'd go "Yeah how much?" They go "Er, er, ya know, call it- call it a fiver, whatever."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And erm...

Ricky: Did- did

Karl: They'd buy 'em and to- to make more money they didn't always fill the bag with what they said was in it.

Steve sighs

Steve: I knew it, I thought that might be the case.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So what they...

Steve: Did they ever put cats in there?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Well I don't see what- what...

Ricky sighs

Steve: Ok so sometimes they would put a cat in the bag...

Karl: They put a cat in the bag...

Steve: ...and pretend it was chicken or whatever else.

Karl: Yeah so...

Ricky: Why was a cat any cheaper than a chicken?

Karl: Cos cats are wanderin' around the streets aren't they? Chickens aren't. So they- to get a chicken- they put a chicken on the top so that when they look in it they go, "Yeah, that's alright. Got a bag full of chicken." They get home to make their dinner and they'd be like "What we havin' tonight," and they go, "Well, you'll never guess." And they'd have like, ya know, well, you can have a chicken leg and, ya know...

Steve: But it wouldn't be, it would be a cat. They'd have to defrost a pizza.

Ricky: Did they mind it though, eating cat then? In tho- in those days.

Karl: It didn't say it just was saying about the saying er... don't let the cat out of the bag. It's like, ya know, er... if they see that they're gonna go mad.

Ricky: I'm- I'm- I'm mildly disappointed in this story. It's alright if it's true but you know there's something about it that's just... I wanna know more...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He always leaves it. Is it Karl doesn't quench your thirst for knowledge, he creates more. I dunno if that's a good thing or not.

Steve: Well, yeah he's like the Pot Noodle of information.

Ricky: Yeah, d'ya know- I- er- he never- I wanna go

Steve: I'm not nourished by it.

Ricky: It's like- it- for every fact he tells me there's 10 others that spring up that I hafta get clear.

Steve: So is it the people that were doing this, it was the- it was the dodgy butchers that coined this phrase? Were they saying to each other, "Don't let the cat out of the bag, ie what I mean by that, Jack, is don't let them see the cat..."

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: "...what we've stuffed in there."

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: Dodgy butcher, that's another phrase innit?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So that's- that's the first one, er-

Steve: Is that a euphemism or is that...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...dodgy butcher?

Ricky: Has his meat delivered 'round the back.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So that's- that's that one. So that's get yer kit off we're off down...

Steve: What does that mean Rick?

Ricky: It's a euphemism for er- homosexuality.

Steve: Ah ok.

Pause

Steve: And meat, presumably, in that means different things.

Ricky: It doesn't- it- it's- it's a word that is also a male bird...

Steve: Would it mean chicken or a cat?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Not necessarily in that context... or well I suppose it could.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Karl's l- just looks- look at him, he- he- Karl looks at you like a cat.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Whenever we leave him behind, if we don't talk, like, straight at him and let him see our lips moving and it's, ya know, mono s- syllabic and very... Look he's lost- he's lost in that conversation there he just drifted off, didn't you, Karl?

Karl: No I just was also thinking on animals an' that, something else I was gonna use.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Was erm...

Ricky: This isn't a radio show, is it? I just suddenly caught us and this is not- this is nothing-

Karl: I've told you that before, it's been bad today.

Ricky: No, but I mean it's the way- it's the casual way that it's like we almost have no regard for our listener. And I- I'm not proud of that, I just don't know what to do about it. D'ya know what I mean? I- I don't know how to do this properly. I mean, we're just chatting here. I mean, it's only Anderson who's seen through us and that surprises me that more people haven't- I mean, what are the figures like? Do people listen to this show?

Karl: I'll find out for ya.

Ricky: He keeps saying that.

Karl: But erm... yeah, there's this parrot...

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: Apparently it's-

Steve: I mean, Rick, it's unique, if nothing else.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I mean when you wake up with Wogan tomorrow you're not even gonna get him starting a line with, "There was this parrot."

Ricky: Go on, there was this parrot, yeah go on.

Karl: And it can talk an' that someone's obviously, ya know, taught it how- how to speak an' that and erm... it flew away.

Steve: Awww.

Karl: ...and it's livin' in this church, alright.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: And er- people are at the church doing hymns an' that...

Steve: Trouble's brewing.

Karl: ... in between the hymns...

Ricky: If that parrot was owned by an old er- minor who used to swear alot...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Then the vicar is gonna be- is gonna be really annoyed, that vicar. That vicar's gonna- go on.

Steve: I just hope he stays quiet, Rick, during the vicar's sermons.

Ricky coughs

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: Have you read it?

Ricky: No, go on.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Yeah, go on, go on.

Karl: Cos that's- that's what happened.

Ricky: Go on tell us, Karl.

Karl: During the hymns it's sort of effin' and jeffin' an' stuff.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Effin' and jeffin'!

Karl: And everyone's going like, "Ohhh ya know it's quite funny, really. It doesn't know what it's doing." Everyone's having a laugh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But it's causing a havoc at funerals.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: When did this happen?

Karl: Er... not- not years ago.

Ricky: "Aaaand John was a much loved man..." "Him is a wanker!"

Steve: Yeah.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So anyways so that was another story.

Ricky: "What can you say about Uncle John?"

Steve: "Bollocks."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh Karl, I love- I love the fact that when you look at things you go, "That's interesting the parrot swears at funerals."

Steve: That would be embarrassing.

Ricky: And it stays with you. You see, for a simple man, you retain an awful lot of knowledge, it's just all rubbish. D'ya know what I mean? If you just replaced all this rubbish with… good stuff you'd be... an intellectual.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Really. Cause you- I mean your- your retention is fantastic.

Karl: Eh, so...

Ricky: Did I lose you again there, did I? Was it the word "retention?"

Karl: We've still got er- Wash Up With You.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Should we play a record and do Wash Up With You?

Karl: Yeah, we'll play a bit of Aqualung.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (in a Manc accent) Aqualuuung.

Song: Aqualung - “Good Times Gonna Come”


Wash Up With You?

Ricky: (in a Manc accent) Alright, that's Aqualung. Ehhh "Good Times Gonna Come" innit? Right, Karl come on then, Educating Ricky so, don't let the cat out of the bag, that's where that er- comes from. Comes from a crafty butcher. Right, go on then.

Karl: So, the next er- little headline is er... Wash up with you.

Ricky: Wash up with you. Go on.

Karl: You wanna know about that?

Ricky: Er... yes.

Karl: Erm... it's a survey that they did- survey that they did this week.

Ricky: They?

Karl: Yep, some- some university did some survey.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: Did a world test on washing up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And er- each country were given 140 pots to clean. Erm... Brits were the quickest, yeah.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Erm... Turkey were the slowest.

Ricky sighs

Karl: ...at washing up.

Steve: The Turks.

Karl: Er.

Ricky: It's not cos the little fellas that work in the kitchens with no- is it?

Steve: They can't reach.

Karl: Spain...

Karl giggles

Karl: Spain were the cleanest and the er- Germans were pretty good as well. So...

Steve: Ha!

Ricky: I don't know where to start on this.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I honestly, Steve, I don't know where to start with that. Look at his face.

Karl: I told you it was really light, right. We've had the parrot, right. These are things that I've found- found the parrot, right. I told you about the dog in the carwash.

Ricky: Right, you didn't tell me about that. You said there was a carwash for a dog, that's all you told me.

Karl: Yeah, but...

Ricky: The parrot he said, "There's a parrot," what? It's a problem at funerals. That's nothing, that's nothing, that's nothing. D'you understand?

Karl: And, er...

Ricky: And they used to eat cats.

Karl: What else have we got? There's an elephant in India with sore feet.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: There's an elephant in India with sore feet?

Ricky: Now I'm interested, why?

Karl: Erm... something…

Steve: Tap dancing?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why?

Karl: See I didn't really heard about it

Steve: He tried to break Roy Castle's record.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's still going.

Ricky: Come on, come on what is it? What is it? Think.

Karl: This er- elephant- and it was really old, it was about 76.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And it had sore feet cos it's old an' that

Ricky: They don't make stair lifts that big, do they?

Karl: and there were loads- loads were bad an' that.

Ricky: Yeah go on.

Karl: So erm... they said, "What we gonna do?" And the town was like, "Aw, ya know, we're used to seein' it around, it's part of the thing, ya know, we don't want it to have sore feet."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So they got some slippers made for it.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: And it had like a picture of the elephant lookin' happy wearing some slippers.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I LOVE HIM! I love Karl, his world! Think of it, where did you see this picture?

Karl: That was on the internet.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: That's a lesson there for any elephants listening, ya know, don't wear stilettos to work-

Ricky: No.

Steve: Cos it can do your feet in.

Ricky: So that is that.

Karl: Don't elephants have really bad memories?

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, they have really good memories.

Karl: Oh do they?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Oh that's good then.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: I just thought- I just thought that they'd forget where they put 'em. I thought there was something about elephants having bad-

Ricky giggles

Karl: -bad memories an' that.

Ricky: He comes home, "Where's my slippers?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "I was sure I left 'em by the ..."

Steve: So, sorry, so there's an elephant around carrying slippers?

Karl: Yeah, yeah there's- that's in er-

Steve: What kind of slippers? Those sort of old man ones with the sort of checkered design.

Ricky: The round ones is what I imagine.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Big round ones.

Karl: There was that going on.

Steve: And is it happening- is it happier? I mean does it feel more satisfied?

Karl: It looked it, it looked it.

Steve: Did it look...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: ...please.

Karl: So what else is there? Er- there's a woman who's had her- had her breasts insured for 150 grand.

Ricky: Alright.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: That is what? What?

Steve: Is there an explanation there?

Ricky: Third party fire and theft?

Karl: Dunno it just said- it had a picture of her with 'em like, ya know, out.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: And I just thought, yeah you should get 'em covered.

Steve: Ooooo.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's done another real joke!

Steve: That's a proper joke.

Ricky: He's done it, look at his little face! He smiles.

Steve: I'd like to see you on one of those sort of TV panel games. If they could bring back some of Celebrity Squares-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He'd be amazing as the center square.

Ricky: Ohhh, that would be cracking.

Steve: Wouldn't that be extraordinary? Or him on that Countdown in Dictionary Corner?

Ricky: Dictionary- I imagine him in Dictionary Corner

Steve: You've come up with, cat

Ricky: Yeah. Mem- memblant

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah, what does that mean, Karl?

Ricky: Just, anything you want it to mean.

Steve laughs

Ricky: (in a Manc accent) Er- what I have got, there's a dog that's got a cough in Singapore cos it smokes 20 a day. Right ok another one, another one.

Karl: No, no, no that's the last one, innit.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So we'll save the last one we've got here is why don't we...

Ricky: Sorry what was that Wash up with you, that was it? They put- they- was that it? They did a survey of washing pots and pans.

Steve: I didn't understand, you said who- you said Italy were the cleanest?

Ricky: No, Spain.

Karl: Now, Brits were the quickest.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We were the quickest but Italy was the...

Ricky: Spain was the cleanest.

Karl: Turkey were the slowest.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Spain were the cleanest.

Steve: But why weren't we clean then? Cos we were washing up. Why were we not paying attention to the-

Ricky: We did it rubbish, we did it quick.

Steve: We did it quickly but- but I don't understand what it was being rated on.

Ricky: Hold on who- who's- who was doing it? Was it Nanette Newman or Ainsley Howard?

Steve: She's quick- both of them are quick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well they've got like- kind of got like slaves that do it for 'em.

Ricky: Did we- did we use- did we use Fairy Liquid?

Karl: Dunno. It didn't- it didn't have it.

Steve: Did we use …

Karl: Didn't say that.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Like Nanette.

Ricky laughs

Karl: It just said, er- ya know, that- that- that-

Ricky: Who had the softest hands? Who had the softest hands?

Karl: So, it didn't say, it-

Steve: Why is it we don't get notified that this is taking place?

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: When I was a kid no one ever said, ya know, "We need recruits cos we're doing a survey on who can wash up the quickest."

Ricky: Yeah. Karl are you disappointed in yourself with that one, Karl?

Karl: It- it is pretty dull.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: And that is why we've gotta bring in either Con Merchant.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Or er- Whine Merchant.

Ricky: Or Shuddupa Gervais.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Would you be able to- if I asked- if I put you on the spot sort of after the next record, would you be able to give an example of how Con Merchant would work? I mean is there something you could do just to sort of explain-

Ricky: Should we play a record, should we play a record-

Ricky coughs

Ricky: I've got a cough

Steve: Do you reckon, Karl?

Karl: I can do better than that.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Ads.

Ricky: Go on.

Song: Travis -


Tattoo Stan

Ricky: Travis, on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and Karl Pilkington. We're doing Educating Ricky. Right, final one. Come on, Karl.

Karl: Right, what was it?

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: It was uh.. 'why don't they just get a diary or some paper or something to write on?'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: 'Cause..

Ricky: Snappy.

Karl: I couldn't, well I couldn't think of a heading for it. It's basically uh..

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: People who have tattoos, I've never understood it. Right, that they have something put on their arm.

Ricky: Right, sorry, have we started the educate.. is this part of it? Are you educating me, this is something that will be useful in my life, that I didn't know about..

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve chuckles

Karl: Well it's just, they've got a machine now, right, that does tattoos, uh..

Ricky: (mocking Karl's accent) Tat-ooos.

Karl: You uh..

Karl chuckles

Karl: You come up with a design you want, and you sort of, this machine scans it, and uh.. you put your arm in this thing, and you press 'print' or whatever, and then it does the tattoo on your hand, or on your arm..

Ricky: What, like loads of little needles that follow a pattern.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: The computer..

Karl: Basically, yeah.

Steve: Is it a real tattoo, it's a..

Karl: It's a proper one. The fella said, uh..

Ricky: Well as long as it goes.. pierces the skin with the..

Steve: I just wondered if it was one of those kind of, you know kind of..

Ricky: No it must be lots of little needles, or moving needle that can..

Steve: Sorry, but how is this cleaned? Like in between each person?

Karl: Dunno, probably.. I dunno.

Ricky: Well no, if it's one needle it's just the head, isn't it? If it it's one needle that moves, does it like a..

Ricky makes a noise

Ricky: ..loads of little..

Ricky makes a similar noise

Steve: What are we gaining from a machine doing it?

Karl: Just because you know they not gunna sort of mess it up.

Ricky: But hold on, how would you keep your arm still? 'Cause your skin moves slightly, so a machine won't..

Karl: It sort of strapped to your arm.

Ricky: Right..

Karl: And the fella said that the tricky thing was in all this, it was the fact that, you know nobody would let him test it out anyone else, so he had to do it himself.

Ricky: But did it work? Because the thing is with a tattoo artist, they can see when your skin's moving, they can see what they've done, they keep wiping it and looking. Whereas a machine's just got to trust itself.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: So, I think one needle would, could do wrong. If it was a lot of needles that it just came down, you know like a thousand needles that was an imprint..

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: But obviously I'm asking someone who hadn't delved any further than 'there's a machine that can give you a tattoo'. That's all you've got at the moment, isn't it.

Karl: Well I'm.. yeah basically..

Ricky: That's all you've got?

Karl: I mean that's what I've got, because I'm not a fan of tattoos, I don't..

Ricky: But where did you read this again?

Karl: This was uh..

Ricky: Internet?

Karl: This was on the Internet, yeah it was.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: And uh.. I just don't understand why people do it. That's what got me attention, 'cause me, umm..

Ricky: Sorry what have I learnt from this?

Karl: That if you wanted to get one, you know you can get one done by a machine now.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Karl: People say machines have sort of taken over and that, and there's another one. But it's just the fact, I mean I dunno, I..

Ricky: So give us the snappy of this education again.

Karl: Why don't they just get a diary or some paper or something to write it on.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: That's what I always think when I see people with loads of tattoos. Like there's that fella who we were talking about the other week in Scotland who was covered ninety-nine percent in tattoos. It's just like, what have you done that for?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D'you know what I mean you can't get rid of it now, you've done it now. One of my uncles right, Tattoo Stan.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: He's just caked in them.

Ricky: Tattoo Stan.

Steve: Right.

Karl: I don't think he's me proper uncle, but it's just like me dad's..

Ricky: Tattoo Stan. That's a province in Russia isn't it.

Karl: Me dad's got loads of mates who, right..

Steve: When you say he's not your proper uncle..

Karl: You know how like..

Steve: Just a bloke who used to hang around..

Karl: ..when someone comes 'round you're like, "alright, Uncle Stan". D'you know what I mean? And there's like, there was uh.. me dad had loads of mates like that. There was John the Screw.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So he either worked in a prison, or he liked to have sex.

Karl: Cabbie.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Okay.

Karl: There was Jimmy the Hat. I'd know what..

Steve: Jimmy the Hat?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Did he wear a hat?

Karl: No.

Steve: No?

Karl: There was uh.. there was Fred the Veg.

Steve: Are you sure he wasn't a relative?

Karl: Fred the Veg used to get us like big bags of potatoes and that.

Ricky: Fred Veg, okay.

Karl: And there was Tattoo Stan. And was just caked in them and I used to always look at him and thinking, why have you done that. I must have only been like, you know, six or seven..

Ricky: I 'spose if you're born with a name like Tattoo Stan..

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ..you're destined aren't you really.

Steve: And were they like a 1950's gang, who were just like..

Ricky: I'm worried about..

Steve: ..who were doing a bank job.

Ricky: What was his name, the Hat?

Karl: Jimmy the Hat.

Ricky: I'm worried about Jimmy the Hat, not having a hat.

Steve: Yeah I don't understand it.

Ricky: Are you sure he didn't have a hat?

Karl: Not when I met him.

Ricky: Did he ever wear a hat?

Steve laughs

Karl: I didn't see him that much.

Ricky: D'you think it was a joke like you know when you mates sort of like, eight foot and huge and you call him..

Steve: Shorty.

Ricky: ..Little John or Tiny. D'you think..

Steve: What, the fact he never wore a hat..

Ricky: Yeah they went, 'hold on, I've noticed something about Jim'. 'Go on'. 'No hat'. And they go, 'oh true, let's call him Jim the Hat'.

Karl: Jimmy the Hat, yeah. But me uncle Stan he had like loads of them, he did them himself.

Steve: Oh dear.

Karl: It was always things..

Ricky: What was it things like?

Karl: He had like the..

Ricky: Cross. 'Cut here'. 'Made in Britain'.

Karl: ..'cut here' one, on the neck. And if you're gunna go them yourself I'd say at least made sure you're sort of a good drawer.

Ricky: And don't do it in a mirror so it comes out backwards.

Karl: Well that was the other thing but like I remember he did.. I mean names are alright but he was like all his kids names down his arm.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: What were they called? Tattoo Stan junior.

Steve: Yeah. Paul Shitsthebed.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Wobeye Kate.

Steve laughs

Steve: Frankie Neveramountstoanything.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, go on.

Karl: So he had like..

Steve: Johnny Idon'tthinkhe'smine.

Karl: So he did.. I don't even know why I'm telling you about Tattoo Stan..

Ricky: No nor do I, Karl, to be honest.

Steve: Hey, I don't know that it.. maybe you just have to picture this, but my sister had to take a photo once, she was working in like a factory. Not to denegrate people who work in factories but there happened to be a particularly oddball kinda lank-haired, weird guy working in this factory, and he did his own tattoos. And she took a photo of it 'cause it was so extraordinary, he'd drawn it himself. Now bear in mind it was the kind of thing you saw.. when you were doing art when you were like fifteen this was the sort of person who designed their own like, heavy rock album cover. He's that sort of person, so, I mean like..

Ricky: Was it a dragon with breasts?

Steve: You're not far off, Rick.

Ricky: No.

Steve: You're not far off, I'll tell you what it was. He had this tattooed on his back, it took up his entire back, she took a photo of it for me. He drew it himself, he had it tattooed himself and it was just too much detail, too much detail for a tattoo, it needs to be fairly simple I think to make a good tattoo. It was..

Steve chuckles

Steve: It was a naked female vampire, having a shower.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Why was she having a shower?

Steve: Well that's why she was naked.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so she had, she was a beautiful woman..

Ricky: So she was uh, presumably she'd be out..

Steve: She'd been out that night..

Ricky: ..that night, had a lot of blood. Wanted to just..

Steve: She uh, she was naked, you could see her naked body. She was quite a beautiful vampire relatively speaking, although the symmetry of her face was somewhat off. The only thing I think that gave it away was..

Ricky: Or they had a bad spine.

Steve: ..that she did have some pointed teeth, I think that was how you knew she was a vampire.

Ricky: Right. Was she lookin..

Steve: But the fact that she was having a shower was, very interesting.

Ricky: That is interesting, isn't it.

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: He said to the artist, he said 'listen, I want a naked bird, but I don't want it to be gratuitous'. And he goes, 'well you could put her in a shower 'cause then..'. He went, 'pop her in the shower'.

Steve: Well that at least gives some kind of justification for her nudity..

Ricky: Yeah that's the plot, that's justified within the story, that she's having a shower. Sure, okay, yeah. Yeah we'll have that. Karl. Any other nicknames you friends of your family had?

Steve: What was your nickname, Karl?

Karl: Just Pilky, really.

Steve: 'Cause for a minute I thought Karl the Veg would have made alot of sense.

Ricky: Yeah, Karl the Veg. And what, why is your dad got a little tattoo, 'Dopey Twat', on his arm?

Karl: Right we'll do the answers to Rockbusters next, yeah?

Ricky giggles

Steve: Brilliant.

Audio cuts abruptly


Both the Words "Twaddle" and "Crap"

Ricky: Buzzcocks. Still sounds brilliant, that.

Steve: It is a cracker.

Ricky: They're from Manchester as well, Karl. (mumbles).. a little bit of a pride there. 'Ey?

Karl: I think one of them's, uh, one of me mate's dads.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah. Think so.

Ricky: What's his nickname?

Karl: Well, his name was.. I don't really want to say his name.

Ricky: No, okay.

Karl: Laurie, his first name was.

Ricky: Yeah. Still is, probably.

Karl: Yep. He was a good lad.

Ricky: You know those little fellas at school that didn't know each other, that weren't related and weren't friends 'cause it'd be too obvious, that they had webbed, umm, hands and big heads..

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: ..what were, did they have any nicknames?

Karl: Again, too obvious, innit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Well, "oi, big head", or, you know..

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: "Oh, bet you're good at juggling". Or..

Ricky: "Frog twins".

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Can I just interrupt you guys 'cause we've just had an e-mail here. Umm, I hate to query you, Karl, and your Educating Ricky section, 'cause I know you quite a lot.. let me read this, let me just read it for you. Umm, just had an e-mail here from Olivia, and this has also been corroborated by someone else, I forget who it was. She was just, she just tuned in and she just heard you explaining the expression, 'letting the cat out of the bag'..

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: ..uh, was all to do with cats that were put in bags by dodgy butchers, possibly the sixteenth century, we're not too sure..

Ricky chuckles

Steve: ..umm, anyway she claims.. well let me, she says uh, she uses both the words 'twaddle' and 'crap'..

Ricky laughs

Steve: ..in relation to your definition.

Ricky: Oh..

Steve: She says, "Letting the cat out of the bag is an old shipping expression for when sailors using to get flogged for their misdemeanors. The cat.."

Ricky: 'Letting the cat', of course it is.

Steve: ..is the cat of nine tails, was uh, was a kind of whip thing that they used to keep hanging in a bag below deck. "If it was discovered that a sailor had done something wrong, the cat would be let out of the bag, and they'd get a whipping. 'Don't let the cat out of the bag', meaning 'to cover something up, or.."

Karl: She's talking nonsense, right?

Ricky: No, she's not. That's the truth.

Karl: Because the one I read about that was, 'there's not enough room in here to swing a cat', right. And that was people who worked on a boat, and they had a whip..

Ricky: Yeah but that's the same..

Steve: That's fine, they can have two expressions for the same thing..

Karl: They're not gunna keep going on about people working on a boat to get loads of..

Steve: These sayings..

Ricky laughs

Ricky: You can't have two phrases about the same thing.

Steve: Karl, they've got nothing to do with their time, they're just sitting coming up with stuff like that.

Ricky: Think how many metaphors have birds in them, and you know, uh.. it's ridiculous. Why can't you have, you could have as many sayings as you like about anything, Karl.

Karl: Yeah..

Ricky: There's not a rule. They don't go, "we've made one up about the cat of nine tails..".

Karl: Well cheers for that, Oliver.

Steve: Olivia.

Karl: Olivia.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Don't see your e-mail coming up with the Rockbusters answers, so..

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Well let's, you've got to give us the answers again..

Karl: Let's give them out.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Uh, the first one was uh.. You've been dunking that for too long.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That was L.B. Uh..

Ricky: Limp Bizkit.

Karl: Limp Bizkit.

Ricky: Yeah, got that one.

Karl: The third one, we'll jump to that one 'cause you've got it. Well I've had a rubbish day so I'm happy it's all over. That was G.K.

Ricky: It's a great one.

Karl: That's..

Ricky: Gladys Knight.

Steve: Glayds Knight. Glad-it's Night. That is brilliant, Karl.

Karl: And the one that uh, you're both having problem with. You won't be able to play that game in this pub, the table ain't big enough. F.D.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Fats Domino. Yeah?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Dominos, you play dominos in a pub. The, the dominos fat, pub tables are quite small. You wouldn't be able to play that game in this pub. Fats Domino.

Ricky: Rubbish.

Steve chuckles

Karl: So, d'you want to pick a winner..

Ricky: Rubbish.

Steve: Well, you say it's rubbish but plenty of people got the right answer..

Ricky: Rubbish.

Karl: Who d'you wanna go with?

Steve: The bunch of, umm, slightly rubbish prizes is going to Elliott Kay, from Chigwell in Essex. Well done to Elliott.

Ricky: I just, I can.. before we go, can we just get a little e-mail off Anders, 'cause I think he must.. I think we've probably turned him 'round with this show.

Steve: I'd have thought so.

Ricky: I think he's gunna be saying.. coming to us with his tail between his legs saying, "Sorry, lads. Blinding show. I was wrong, you were right".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright, so..

Ricky: Song for the lovers is very exciting this week.

Steve: Yeah, we haven't had a song for the lovers, or the ladies for quite some time..

Ricky: Yeah, sorry everyone.

Steve: ..let's combine the two; John Martyn, May You Never. Let's end with that this week.

Ricky: Beautiful track.

Steve: We'll see you next time.

Karl: See ya.

Ricky: Bye.

Song: John Martyn - May You Never

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