Series 1 Episode 2
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Podcast Series 1
Not a show for the easily offended, this show primarily features knob talk. The boys flex their censor-free format going over sex aids and nudists. And apparently a load of Cambodian midgets died.
1. Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring Fight (0:00)
Another podcast begins, with intros. Steve reads out a e-mails and right off the bat he reads out a headline that was sent in found on a BBC website. The article describes a fight between 42 midgets and a lion. Ricky was unaware of the Cambodian Midget Fighting League (CMFL), who will take on anything, man, beast or machine. After 12 minutes, the fight was ended, and much to Ricky's delight, the lion was not hurt since he was fighting against his will. He loves when a matador gets gored to death too. Steve thinks that the midgets may have been fighting against their will as well though. Karl is questioned about the affair, but is confused about who's side he's meant to be on. What's more confusing, is he's sent money to Cambodia for charity, so what's going on?
2. Charity Cases (6:06)
Karl was conned with other charities before. He gave money to a charity that pays for heat for old women. Karl gave money to Edna. Every month he got a picture. One month, he received a letter and Edna had a tan. Karl didn't think it was to send her on holiday. Steve mentions how he fake talks on the mobile phone to avoid them. Ricky says how he doesn't feel sorry for the workers any more after finding out they get paid. E-mail is requested to verify this.
3. Mental Homelessitis (8:21)
Steve begins to talk about his experience with homeless. They really aren't after his money any more. Now they just complain about people with three phones to him and getting into arguments about God (making him sound like the nutter). Karl remembers a certain mental homeless who lived by his estate. She acted quite normal, but she pushed a pram around. When Karl looked it, it contained a bucket with a face on it. Ricky mentions in the Victorian era, people kept homeless in their garden. Steve thinks this idea is brilliant.
4. I'll Just Stand Behind the Machine... (11:57)
Paul "The Party Animal" Parker e-mails in for the first time. Ricky envisions him as Milhouse from the Simpsons with a Dr. Who scarf. He's the guy who only ever wears bowling shoes. Paul's e-mail contains information about a sex machine invented by a Serbian man. After some debate on the state of Serbia, Steve and Ricky launch into a roleplay of the man pitching the device for someone to test it.
5. Ye Olde Knob (16:24)
Karl is asked about sex aids. He cites finding sex machines, namely the knob on a stick, from Roman times. Ricky and Steve launch into another roleplay where Ricky plays Julius Caesar and Steve plays "Wanklicus" the inventor. Karl disputes this, citing sexy metal pants he saw in a museum. It wasn't a chastity belt, just sexy metal pants they used to wear in the medieval era. Sexy and protective. Another roleplay is down with Steve as Lancelot and Ricky asking him about his sexy metal pants.
6. Gay Machines (19:02)
Karl returns to the topic of the sex machine and ponders if a gay fella to use it. Ricky is confused to why he's asking. Karl denies wanting to see a gay man get buggered by a robot but is trying to say they might be more up for it. Karl doesn't have a lot to back his argument up though. He defends his knowledge of butt plugs by saying he was just walking by a sex shop. What baffled him was that it was open early, but further more it was giving butt plugs with purchase.
7. karltakesasneakylookatmenscocks.com (21:03)
Steve reads out an e-mail about America's first nudist organization which was founded in 1929 by three blokes. Clearly, that is three blokes just trying to meet women. The attention is turned to Karl who notoriously dislikes nudists. Karl wonders if there are any small knobbed nudists. He brings up Jonathan Ross, who's apparently known to have a big knob according to Karl. Ricky traps Karl into saying he had a sneaky peak at Ross' knob. Paradoxically, Karl defends himself by bringing up when he looked at a knob at a night out. He compares it to a Bucks Fizz performance. Rather than check out the women on stage, he had a sneaky look at the men's bits. Steve brings up feeling dwarfed by elderly men at his gym. Ricky is upset by people at the gym who weigh themselves naked while whistling.
8. Get Monkeys, Spend Peanuts (28:05)
Monkey News is up. This time Karl speaks of an experiment where monkeys are taught the value of money in San Francisco. The monkeys were given about five quid. Some came back with little. The last one came back with a lot, so the receipts were examined. Apparently, he went for the slightly older food that was cheaper. Ricky is not having it and berates Karl.
9. What Does Hosting Mean? (32:01)
Ricky bigs up his host and the gang signs off.
Ricky: And they were somewhat magical. 'Riddle me dee, fiddle me do! What is my name and who are you?'
Steve: 'Don't worry, I'll be behind the machine. It'll be safe, there won't be a problem.'
Karl: I wasn't the one typing gay machines on the internet to find out... Steve was.
Steve: It's not a gay machine! You just made it into a gay machine.
Ricky: He wanted to pleasure women with this machine! You're saying 'Can I see a little gay fella get a robotic cock up his arse?' You're the one requesting that, Karl Pilkington. You're the one who wants to see gay men with metal stuff up their ah-nus!
Karl: Butt plugs an' that.
Steve: 'I must get some bagels and a popper on the way to work.'
- Jonathan Ross' knob did indeed make an appearance during the Xfm shows on 15 December 2001, which is most likely the event Karl is referring to.
- Sample of the webpage that Steve referred to for the Cambodian midget fight. The website was later shown to be false.
- Webpage that Steve referred to for the Serbian Sex Machine.
- "karltakesasneakylookatmenscocks.com" - inspired by the web address Ricky came up with.
Episode available for purchase via iTunes or Amazon (via The Pilkipedia Shop)
Do not inquire about free downloads.
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