View source for Tape 1 Side B/Transcript

This is a transcript of [[Tape 1 Side B]], from [[Xfm Series 0]]. 


==What's His Handel?==
{{Ricky|Ohh, and the comedian, it's fantastic. I've just gotta tell this again cos it was wonderful. Okay, so it gets through to the tie breaker, the two couples are at the end, it's from like about 1979, and they're dressed like it, d'you know what I mean? These are just like people that- ohh... they're amazing. Um, they make you look- no, they're still better than you. Um, and he goes, "Okay, both pairs, fingers on the buzzers. He goes, "Right, Ted," Gets the envelope and he goes, "Right, okay, fingers on the buzzers?" "Yep, ready." "German composer but british born." He looks around... no, no one knows.}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|So he goes, "Most famous for his ''Messiah''." ...no. Right, third clue, "What is his Handel?"}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|Right? One of them will go "BZZZT!" she goes, "Oh, we did this at school." He goes, "Well you're nearly there!" She goes, "Oh God, it was Handel's ''Water Music''." He went, "So what's the composer's name?" she went, "Chopin."}}
{{Action|Both laugh}}
{{Ricky|He went, "I'm gonna have to throw it across." Buzzes in, this bloke goes, "Is it Beethoven?"}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|Ohh, isn't that fantastic? Ohh.}}
{{Steve|Why- I mean you've mentioned to me ''3-2-1'' in the past.}}
{{Ricky|Oh it's fantastic.}}
{{Steve|They deliberately got on the worst contestants ever.}}
{{Ricky|Well no, they just weren't bright. Have you seen the clues though?}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|"I am a car, and not a bin. Or am I? Holiday Inn." "Um, we'll reject that one." "Well it says uh, we are a car but if you reverse 'car' and change some of the letters-" "It's bin, hard luck. Tough shit you lost. Sorry."}}
{{Steve|Well see, why is it we don't go on those shows and clean up?}}
{{Ricky|I know.}}
{{Steve|Cos catchphrase is the other one-}}
{{Ricky|What, getting a job as a caretaker on-}}
{{Steve|Catchphrase you'll see a cloud with a silver lining and they'll say "Up the garden path."}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) (imitates Roy Walker) "No, it's not- it's a good answer."}}
{{Steve|"It's a good answer but it's not quite right. I wish I could give you the money out of my own pocket but I can't."}}
{{Ricky|Ohh, they're fantastic. There was another one right, um, when he was asking them questions, and they're playing for pounds and they get like a maximum of ten questions and that multiplies, so it was um, "Okay, let's have a go, um, we're looking for words in the english language beginning with I-N." So he'll go "We'll start with that one." "Industrial." Back and forth, then he goes um, "Asian country." right, this bloke went, "Iran."}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|He went, "No, no." He said, "I was confused about that one, it is in fact in the Middle East." Forgetting the fact that it started with I-R!}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|And he came back about 10 minutes later and went, "Oh, of course and also it doesn't start with I-N." So the floor manager'd been, "Ted, you thick- look... what d'you mean? What d'you mean? Sympathising with him." Ohh...}}
{{Steve|Gervais, what's your favourite um, ''It'll Be Alright On The Night'' clip?}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|From- I'm talking about all sort of 58 shows that they must have done.}}
{{Ricky|Now that is difficult, let me see.}}
{{Steve|See I'm wondering if it is that one with Mr. Chips from Catchphrase tossing off, have you seen that one?}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) No.}}
{{Steve|Yeah it's great, cos it's just an error and it makes it look as though he's tossing off, but he's not, and I dunno what it is. Um, but I bet- I dunno what um... what the catchphrase is.}}
{{Ricky|Um,}}
{{Steve|01715802000}}
{{Ricky|Mr. Chips is coming to dinner?}}


==Tender hooks==
{{Ricky|Another bit of him doing his standup in America, oh God it's so nauseating. He's got another series apparently. Does anyone like Lenny Henry? 01- obviously, he's a massive star. Does anyone listening to this show,}}
{{Steve|Really like Lenny Henry?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Yeah. Or, is there anyone that annoys me more than Lenny Henry? Uh- I should answer that one shouldn't I?}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Yes.}}
{{Ricky|Do I win a prize?}}
{{Steve|I think what you want to do there is uh, you wanna sort of, you wanna speak correctly!}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|It's another simple thing Gervais which will help you out in your radio career.}}
{{Ricky|Ohh no, um, Swervedriver that's 3 minutes 41, I've gotta pick one 7 minutes to the news...}}
{{Steve|Gervais, whoa whoa, before you move on-}}
{{Ricky|Hmmm...}}
{{Steve|Can I just tell you-}}
{{Ricky|3 and a half minutes...}}
{{Steve|You know we talked about celebrities and going to school with celebrities and things?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Um, I have a very famous 2nd cousin.}}
{{Ricky|Really?}}
{{Steve|Yeah, I'm gonna tell you who it is in a minute.}}
{{Ricky|Really?}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|And I've got the best joke in the world!}}
{{Steve|Have you?}}
{{Ricky|I should have been trailing that, that'd kept them on their... tender hooks! Why are they sitting on tender hooks?}}
{{Steve|So we've got um-}}
{{Ricky|What are "tender hooks"?}}
{{Steve|I think it's "tenterhooks". I don't know what they are but I don't think it's tend-}}
{{Ricky|What are- okay. 0171, who annoys me more than Lenny Henry, no one, you've won that one, so don't bother phoning in.}}
{{Steve|But who annoys you the listener more than Lenny Henry?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Oh that's a good one!}}
{{Steve|Clever.}}
{{Ricky|Cos then it's throwing it to them and it's their opinion.}}
{{Steve|It's simple.}}
{{Ricky|Ohh!}}
{{Steve|Simple things, Gervais.}}
{{Ricky|Excellent.}}
{{Steve|017- I noticed again you didn't bother to give the whole phone number.}}
{{Ricky|What did I say?}}
{{Steve|You actually just said "0171".}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|It used to be as I recall, 0171580 which is about half of it but no, just 0171 now.}}
{{Ricky|Ohh.}}
{{Action|Song: Swervedriver - 99th Dream (edit)}}
{{Action|Song: Catatonia - Road Rage}}


==How Are They Gonna Phone In A Drawing?==
{{Steve|Gervais, you know last week we started a competition where people had to send in photographs or pictures or anything,}}
{{Ricky|Oh yeah?}}
{{Steve|Um, if- I would show them to you indiscriminantly during the show and see if you would laugh,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Got the first one here, from Michael in Crouch End,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|(shows Ricky the picture) Alright?}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) You liar, that wasn't him!}}
{{Steve|Well it could have been.}}
{{Ricky|You did that.}}
{{Steve|I did that myself.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|But that's the idea.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Fax them- can I just say fax them-}}
{{Ricky|Ohh, God.}}
{{Steve|Fax-}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|I'll admit, I drew that one-}}
{{Ricky|Right.}}
{{Steve|But wait a minute, wait a minute-}}
{{Ricky|And I can never, I- not only could I not tell them what it was, I could never explain it well enough,}}
{{Steve|No, there's nothing you could do to explain that picture.}}
{{Ricky|No!}}
{{Steve|Suffice to say, if you've got a picture that you think can make Gervais laugh and we will hopefully give a prize to somebody somewhere during the show, 01-}}
{{Ricky|It's specifics like that that make this show the sort of-}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|D'you know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|The vague promise that there might be a prize.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Anyway, if you have a picture that you think can make Gervais laugh, 0171580-}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|Shut up, I'm trying to give the number here. 0171580-}}
{{Ricky|That's enough!}}
{{Steve|1234.}}
{{Ricky|That's the fax number.}}
{{Steve|Tha- yeah exactly, how are they gonna phone in a drawing?}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|It's simple things, Gervais, that let you down.}}



==I Had Turned Into Jimmy Saville==
{{Ricky|So I'm there, with runny eyes, I'm tired, I'm a little but drunk, I'm in a white tracksuit with shades on, I had turned into Jimmy Saville.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) You'd just become Jimmy.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and I saw these kids looking at me thinking, "Aww, bless him." They were going, "You alright?" "(grunts) Where's the toilet?" "You've done it!" "(grunts)" ..."Dear Jimmy, I am 4 years old, and I have a terminal illness. Can you fix it for me to live a long and healthy life?" "Well, no, but we have arranged it for you to do a duet with Mr. Shakin' Stevens.""}}
{{Steve|Hooray!}}
{{Ricky|Wheey! "I feel sick." "This old house, do it you little ba-" "I feel sick mummy, it's the treatment." Anyway,}}
{{Steve|(laughs) "What's behind the green door? A cure? No."}}
{{Ricky|No, no, "He's for comas. He's not for terminal illness." He gets people out of comas doesn't he, Shakin' Stevens?}}
{{Steve|Does he?}}
{{Ricky|He does, apparently, loads of kids in the 80s, they're all on there, all these people going, "Oh yeah and she was in a coma and we played Shakin' Stevens 24 hours a day and she-" I'd come out of it if someone- "Turn that... shit off!" D'you know what I mean? Who would you least like to visit you if you were in a coma?}}
{{Steve|Ooh, crumbs.}}
{{Ricky|Imagine it, right, you're in a coma, yeah, you're in a catatonic- you've got all your senses. You've got all your senses except sight. You can't do a thing, right? And you've got someone there to come and visit you, you're helpless, you can't move,}}
{{Steve|I'm just sort of lying on the bed,}}
{{Ricky|You can't say anything,}}
{{Steve|Helpless.}}
{{Ricky|But you can feel the- I tell you who I wouldn't want to visit me, Jason Donovan.}}
{{Steve|No, I wouldn't want Jason.}}
{{Ricky|He's not- I don't like his voice.}}
{{Steve|No.}}
{{Ricky|Or Philip Schofield, I don't like his singing voice.}}
{{Steve|No. Andi Peters.}}
{{Ricky|I haven't heard him sing.}}
{{Steve|No but I wouldn't want him round. I wouldn't want him round.}}
{{Ricky|Really, why?}}
{{Steve|No, I dunno there's just something about him. Just something about him.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Wouldn't want him there.}}
{{Ricky|Um anyway, we've got some Skunk Anansie coming up now.}}
{{Steve|Larry Grayson's welcome.}}
{{Ricky|And I tell you who else is- Village People. I love them.}}
{{Steve|Bring the 4 of them round.}}
{{Ricky|"YMC-" 4 of them? What one d'you wanna leave out? There was 5 of them.}}
{{Steve|No there wasn't!}}
{{Ricky|There was 5 of them!}}
{{Steve|There was 4!}}
{{Ricky|There were 5 Village People.}}
{{Steve|4 Village- everyone knows there's 4 Village People.}}
{{Ricky|Really?}}
{{Steve|Alright, wait a minute, so there's a fire- no hang on, there's a road cop,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Um, there's a red indian obviously.}}
{{Ricky|Obviously, yeah.}}
{{Steve|There's a construction worker, and there's something else, something- a chef? No, a candle-}}
{{Ricky|A chef?!}}
{{Steve|A candlestick maker!}}
{{Ricky|Ohh, that's great innit? Yeah, a tailor, at the back with those little half-moon glasses, "YMCA!" Doing a little bit of sewing.}}
{{Steve|Who was it- hang on, wait a minute, there was a fire chief-}}
{{Ricky|What are you on about? No is there- was there a fire chief?}}
{{Steve|No it wasn't a fire chief, there was a police- play a record we'll figure it out.}}
{{Ricky|The black guy was a road co- uh, traffic cop,}}
{{Steve|There was a policeman, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|There was a red indian, obviously.}}
{{Steve|Obviously.}}
{{Ricky|Um, uh, Native American.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, there was a construction worker,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. With a moustache... Cowboy! Cowboy.}}
{{Steve|Was there?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, 'course there was a cowboy.}}
{{Steve|Was there?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Steve|Well who was the fifth one then?}}
{{Ricky|I don't know if there was, I might have made that up, maybe I just dreamt one. I thought maybe a bloke dressed up as Judy Garland.}}
{{Action|Song: Skunk Anansie - }}
{{Action|Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine}}



==Lizoidian==
{{Ricky|Steve's singing along there to Babybird.}}
{{Steve|Shalalala...}}
{{Ricky|Which is ironic because when you sing, you're putting your head back and your mouth's open, you look like a baby bird.}}
{{Steve|Do I?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah cos the long neck and that sort of goiter thing youve got, you look like a sort of fledgling... pelican.}}
{{Steve|And the worms of course, hanging from my mouth.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. But it's ironic as well because- cos you're like a lizoidian as well,}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Is that a real word?}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) No! No.}}
{{Steve|"Cos you're a 'lizoidian'!" Oh right, of course.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Don't! Cos I use- I sometimes forget that they're not real words.}}
{{Steve|You sometimes forget that you- your language comes from the voices inside your head!}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) No listen-}}
{{Steve|"I use my own language! They tell me what to say and I say it."}}
{{Ricky|No listen, you're sort of like a hmm, little, "Myeeehh", little bird-like lizoidian thing, right, which is like the Archaeopteryx, like the link between- before sort of lizard-man... turned flight! (laughs)}}
{{Steve|Goodness me.}}
{{Ricky|They've kicked in again. They've kicked in early. They're not meant to start for about an hour.}}
{{Steve|What, the voices?}}
{{Ricky|No, the tablets. Right, go on.}}
{{Action|Song: R.E.M. - Superman}}



==YOU FAT IMBECILE==
{{Steve|The argument was, what should people put on their casette tape compilation inlay card,}}
{{Ricky|It's illegal!}}
{{Steve|Which they're not allowed to do,}}
{{Ricky|It's illegal!}}
{{Steve|I agree they're not allowed to do that,}}
{{Ricky|Right.}}
{{Steve|But, I was offer- you asked me to tell them what they should put down, right?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|I'm telling you, the track we played was recorded by REM.}}
{{Ricky|Yes it was.}}
{{Steve|Not Clique.}}
{{Ricky|No, that's right.}}
{{Steve|So don't write "Clique" down.}}
{{Ricky|No, no, write "REM" down.}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|How are you spelling that?}}
{{Steve|That's correct.}}
{{Ricky|How are you spelling that?}}
{{Steve|That's capital R, capital E, capital M.}}
{{Ricky|Right.}}
{{Steve|Right? And, you wanna put down the name of the track as recorded by REM.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|They've called it ''Superwoman'', right? I don't care if it's really called ''Superman'' in the world of the Clique,}}
{{Ricky|Hold on, I'll stop you there!}}
{{Steve|In the world of the Clique it might be-}}
{{Ricky|You don't care if it's really- why are we having this argument, you do care or you wouldn't be arguing!}}
{{Steve|No-}}
{{Ricky|You do care- no no no-}}
{{Steve|No, you're saying I'm wrong!}}
{{Ricky|You- you- you are!}}
{{Steve|I'M NOT WRONG!}}
{{Ricky|IT'S CALLED ''SUPERMAN''!}}
{{Steve|ONLY BY THE CLIQUE IT'S CALLED ''SUPERMAN'',}}
{{Ricky|NO!}}
{{Steve|BY REM IT'S CALLED ''SUPERWOMAN''!}}
{{Ricky|No! They can't-}}
{{Steve|Yes it is!}}
{{Ricky|They can't change-}}
{{Steve|THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT!}}
{{Ricky|Sometimes! Sometimes they call it ''Superman'', make your mind up at least!}}
{{Steve|They call it ''Superwoman''!}}
{{Ricky|Are you sure they're called REM, or have they changed that?}}
{{Steve|THEY CALL IT ''SUPERWOMAN'' YOU TOSSER!}}
{{Ricky|How are you spelling that?}}
{{Steve|That's S-U-P-E-R-W-O-M-A-N. YOU IDIDOT, YOU FAT IMBECILE.}}



==The Ciabatta Brothers==
{{Steve|Friday night, you'll love this, I went to a party. Got invited to a party a genuine-}}
{{Ricky|Hold on, hold on, that was an afterthought, you said "I went to a party" then you suddenly went, "I got invited to a party."}}
{{Steve|...What?}}
{{Ricky|Did you get invited to it or did you just go to it?}}
{{Steve|I got invited to a party. I went to a party.}}
{{Ricky|Oka- well, which is it?}}
{{Steve|I was at a party on Friday night, right,}}
{{Ricky|Okay, right, okay.}}
{{Steve|And it was people I know, it was up in north London, I live in south, um, not that that's particularly important, and uh,}}
{{Ricky|Not particularly.}}
{{Steve|What I'm saying is, I left my-}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, you weren't in your- what you're saying is, you weren't where you pay rent.}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|No.}}
{{Steve|So I got there, and there was a few people there I didn't relly know, and I got introduced to this girl, Christine, right, and I'll be honest with you, I don't know if anything might have happened,}}
{{Ricky|(sniggers)}}
{{Steve|D'you know what I mean, all I'm saying is we were getting on well, things were happening, alright, we were having a chat,}}
{{Ricky|Okay.}}
{{Steve|All- hey, Gervais, see, you're interested already.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Anyway, she wanted a packet of fags, right, and a few other people wanted a little bit of grub or whatever cos it was late night, it was about 1 in the morning,}}
{{Ricky|Could I just- when you say she wanted a pack of fags, did she say, "Oh, I'd love to talk to you all night but I've gotta go and get these cigarettes."}}
{{Steve|No, no-}}
{{Ricky|Right, go on, sorry, I won't interrupt again.}}
{{Steve|We were going on well, and she said, "packet of fags" so I went over- the guy told me- who runs the party or who had the party, he said "There's a 24-hour little sort of supermarket thing,"}}
{{Ricky|You went for her, did ya?}}
{{Steve|What?}}
{{Ricky|You went for her, did ya?}}
{{Steve|I went on her behalf. Right, to the supermarket place, one of those little sort of 24-hour 7-11 places-}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I get the picture.}}
{{Steve|So I go there, I'm gonna buy the fags, and people wanted stuff, few sausage rolls and all sorts of stuff, so I'm there and I've got all my stuff, right, and it's quite late, but there's two blokes in the place, and um, I dunno where they were fro- I think they were from Italy but I can't be certain but anyway they caused a bit of a ruckus cos they were after some ciabattas, uh they were saying, (in an accent) "I want two ciabattas. I want two-" Dunno whether that's Italian.}}
{{Ricky|Uh, no I'd say that was sort of like Kenyan.}}
{{Steve|Right. Okay but anyway they were- yeah. Anyway they went "Two ciabattas." They were causing a bit of a rumpus they were saying "Not those, no. How much are they, how much are they?" "Those are a pound" "What are you talking about, a pound? I'm not paying for those, I'll have those." So anyway they got their ciabattas-}}
{{Ricky|Turkish, maybe...}}
{{Steve|They went up to the counter and the fella who was next to me in the queue, he'd put down a jar of coffee, right, so anyway the fellas "Oh, ciabattas... pound for the ciabattas..." And there were two of them there, they're brothers. And he puts the ciabattas in the carrier bag and he picks up the coffee as well, secretes that in the bag, right, walks out.}}
{{Ricky|What, the Italian bloke nicking someone else's coffee?}}
{{Steve|He stole someone's coffee, right, there in plain view! So he gets outside and the shopkeeper says "Whoa, wait, whoa whoa wait a minute, come back in, mate, whoa. You picked up this fella's coffee." "What? What are you accusing me of? What are you saying, what you accusing me of? You say I'm stealing?" "Well no-"}}
{{Ricky|Definitely Turkish. Probably works in a prison.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) "Stealing? What, you accuse me of stealing? You accusing me?" And the fella's saying "Well-" And he says "look in the bag, look in the bag, ciabattas. Where the coffee?" I'll be honest with you, he'd hidden it outside. He'd already got rid of it, he was smooth!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|So anyway now he's getting a bit violent, "Oh, ciabattas, well... ciabattas, they're not very nice ciabattas, I eat them, they're not nice, you accuse me of stealing coffee-" He's pushing things off the counter, he's throwing the ciabattas everywhere, right,}}
{{Ricky|Really?}}
{{Steve|And it's terrible, um, and-}}
{{Ricky|Was he smashing plates?}}
{{Steve|(laughing) He wasn't smashing plates.}}
{{Ricky|No cos I'm just getting a hint from the accent- go on, sorry, yeah,}}
{{Steve|So anyway he's accusing- "You accuse me, you accuse me?" And he starts- it looks like there's gonna be a fight, Gervais, I'll be honest with you. I'm nervous, right,}}
{{Ricky|'Course you are.}}
{{Steve|Cos I'm stood next to him in the queue, I'm thinking "Any minute he's gonna turn round, 'What you looking at, fish monster?'".}}
{{Ricky|Yeah they sent you out cos they thought you wouldn't get attacked.}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|You know, how ironic, yeah?}}
{{Steve|I sort of- I edged backwards towards the frozen goods section,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, your fin against the fridge.}}
{{Steve|I'm hid- I'll be honest I was hiding- I'm not gonna lie to you I was- I'm a coward!}}
{{Ricky|Really?}}
{{Steve|So anyway the ciabatta broth- The Ciabatta Brothers,}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|They're causing a bit of a rumpus, and it's all going on, so they decide to call the police, the shopkeepers, right?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Well now the Ciabatta Brothers were nervous, so they're going, "No, it's alright, don't- keep the ciabattas, we're not paying for them, I don't want my money back, it's alright." And so they move towards the door,}}
{{Ricky|Probably spent some time in Delhi as well.}}
{{Steve|A little fella, he's barricaded the door! He's used some display units, he's barricaded it, right?}}
{{Ricky|Fantastic.}}
{{Steve|So they're trying- The Ciabatta Brothers are tryna get out, they can't cos he's holding them off, they can't get out, they're smashing the place up, really just throwing things on the floor, and he's going to me, "Help me, help me keep the door closed."}}
{{Ricky|He's from Italy as well?}}
{{Steve|(laughs) I think he was.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Probably relat- go on, yeah.}}
{{Steve|He's saying "Help me keep the door closed." I'm saying, "Well you know, I can't, the... the leg and everything..."}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|"I can't help out. I've just gotta be over here-"}}
{{Ricky|"The dialysis machine, if I don't get back the battery runs out, I've gotta-" yeah.}}
{{Steve|So anyway eventually the Ciabatta Brothers, they actually knock the stuff over and they get out the door and they leg it off down the road,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And anyway, it's terrible, commotion, the food and stuff everywhere, the shopkeeper's in tears, it was absolutely terrible,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And everybody left, right, and I said, "Can I just pay for my goods and these fags, and go please?" And he went, "No, shop closed, shop closed, we can't serve you." And I went, "Listen, I've just been stood here, I almost got in a fight, I want to pay for my goods."}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And he was in tears, "I can't-"}}
{{Ricky|He just want- he's probably selfish, wanting to shut the shop just cos he'd been like, robbed and be-}}
{{Steve|And attacked.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and then you'd been waiting there patiently, not helping,}}
{{Steve|Yeah! Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|You must have been there for about 10 minutes not helping!}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|He should have served you before then, really, before the fight.}}
{{Steve|It was crazy, so anyway, I demanded-}}
{{Ricky|That's terrible isn't it?}}
{{Steve|I demanded he serve me, I bought everything,}}
{{Ricky|Was he crying as he served you?}}
{{Steve|He was. He was crying. I left the shop, got back to the party, Christine had gone.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|Cos I got caught up in some bloody Dog Day Afternoon scenario, I missed out on a possible "How's your father".}}
{{Ricky|When you say poss- um,}}
{{Steve|Well I missed out on a fag at least.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah. And the let down of her saying face to face, "No."}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Know what I mean? At least there's a little bit of hope when you get back and go "Here's your Bensons, ooh, d'you wanna drink?" "Uh, yeah there's a little 7-11 just... the other side, you go across the road, you go the other way.", "I'll be about 10 minutes love."}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|Aww...}}
{{Steve|It didn't happen for me.}}
{{Ricky|(sighs) It will.}}



==Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations==
{{Steve|A gameshow, right, that I came up with, okay, and it features me but I think it could be perhaps a vehicle for yourself, Gervais.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah? What's it called?}}
{{Steve|I was gonna tell- it's called- basically it's called "Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations".}}
{{Ricky|Right.}}
{{Steve|And-}}
{{Ricky|I like it already.}}
{{Steve|You like it already?}}
{{Ricky|Because there's a part in there for me.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Could I play the... Ricky Gervais?}}
{{Steve|Yes. (laughs) Yeah,}}
{{Ricky|Fantastic!}}
{{Steve|It was originally called uh- basically, let me just summarise very briefly, I'm not gonna tell you all the games, but there is- it's basically recreating the heady days of the war.}}
{{Ricky|Right. That is fantastic.}}
{{Steve|It's beautiful already isn't it? It's got the nostalgia theme.}}
{{Ricky|I've got a game aswell-}}
{{Steve|But it's called- it was originally gonna be called "Ricky Gervais' Fag Rations" but apparently cigarettes weren't rationed in the war.}}
{{Ricky|Weren't they?}}
{{Steve|So it's called "Meat Rations" now.}}
{{Ricky|Excellent.}}
{{Steve|And uh, I tell you there's some great games, my favourite is um, oh no, what's it called, um, "To be perfectly Anne Frank"}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|It's a great game, it really is, it's a great game where you've gotta pretend to be Anne Frank and hide from sort of snooping Nazis.}}
{{Ricky|Oh, that is fantastic.}}
{{Steve|It's a great game, and there's also of course- well let me go into it, there's also uh, "Dig for Granny"}}
{{Ricky|Good.}}
{{Steve|Well uh, "Dig For Victory" if you like, and what- you're scavenging through rubble, right, and if you find-}}
{{Ricky|Can I just say, these are copyright, anyone trying to rip me off, I mean, I've got the "Penis Puppet Theatre",}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|I've got a stake in this surely, haven't I?}}
{{Steve|'Course, certainly, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.}}
{{Ricky|You can have a bit of my Penis Puppet Theatre.}}
{{Steve|That's lovely.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah? And I've also got a new game that I'll talk about after, after yours, it's called "Tip The Balance", and it's sort of like a game for 4, and it comes- I'll send it off to Waddingtons, see what you think, I mean there's- there's... there's teething problems with it-}}
{{Steve|Okay, well listen, Gervais, look-}}
{{Ricky|Let's play ''Don't Fear The Reaper'',}}
{{Steve|Let's play that tune,}}
{{Ricky|By Blue Oyster and his Cult,}}
{{Steve|It's a classic.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and then we'll come back and we'll try and make some money.}}
{{Steve|Let's make some cash.}}
{{Action|Song: Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper}}



==Who's Snork?==
{{Ricky|There must be some sort of fun with like, gas masks,}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|When you could all put the on and dress up as like, I dunno, one of the Banana Splits.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, um, what could that be? "Gas-"}}
{{Ricky|"Who's Snork?"}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Yeah. Well, possibly.}}
{{Ricky|So every week there's the real Snork.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|So it's like, contestants come on, they put the-}}
{{Steve|Clever.}}
{{Ricky|"Which one's Snork?"}}
{{Steve|Which one's Snork?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|So you've got three celebrities,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, who've got gas masks, and the real Snork.}}
{{Steve|That's great.}}
{{Ricky|So you've got someone like Ted Moultson, he pops one on, you got Frank Bruno, yeah, and Jilly Cooper,}}
{{Steve|That's it.}}
{{Ricky|And they put their mask on, and like a little outfit, and then the real Snork is there and you've gotta ask them questions, like you'd get like Bernie Winters and Henry Cooper going "Um, number 3, number 3, um, how long you been in the Banana Splits?"}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|And Jilly Cooper Goes, "Oh, about six years." He goes, "Oh, I don't- no I think the Banana splits have been going longer than that. no I don't think it's number 3, um what do you think?" And Bernie Winters goes, "Hmm, number 1..."}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|"Number 1, uh... how did you get the job, being in Banana Splits?" And it's probably Ted Moultson going, "Oh, I answered an advert in the paper." "That's not right, they were born-" D'you know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|And it's Chas and Dave in the corner just going, (to the tune of the Banana Splits) "Nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, NAH NAH NAH NAH, YEAH!"}}
{{Ricky|Where the real Snork's- and the lights go, and the one stands up and he sits back down again, and then the real Snork- and the others take their mask off. And he goes, "Lovely Jilly- what are you doing?" "Well I'm uh, I'm appearing in ''Puss In Boots'' down in Brighton." "Oh, that'll be fantastic."}}
{{Steve|Wait a minute...}}
{{Ricky|What?}}
{{Steve|"Jilly Cooper"?}}
{{Ricky|I dunno, what does she do- oh she's a novelist!}}
{{Steve|She's a novelist.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Now appearing in panto?}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|I'm not letting you book the guests.}}
{{Ricky|Oh God.}}
{{Steve|But wait a minute, I mean I love your idea,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah?}}
{{Steve|"Who's Snork?"}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. (laughs)}}
{{Steve|It's a bit odd, isn't it, how it started off with a kind of, wartime nostalgia show, but now we've featured sort of quite bad 70s animal things.}}
{{Ricky|Nothing wrong with the uh, Banana Splits.}}
{{Steve|But I like that, that's a good game.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, okay, that can be like the special feature can't it?}}
{{Steve|So I'm just gonna make a note of it, so we've got "Dig For Victory", "To Be Perfectly Anne Frank", and uh-}}
{{Ricky|And "Who's Snork."}}
{{Steve|"Who's Snork."}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Well I'm full of ideas, I could probably help you on this.}}
{{Steve|Oh this is great, what I'm just tryna- well maybe we'll come up with some other ideas as we go on.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah we've still got Tip the Balance to go.}}
{{Steve|You know, can I just say, I did actually once try and pitch this. You know when I went appeared on Blockbusters,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Well I obviously met with the producer there, and I said "I've got an idea for you."}}
{{Ricky|Have we talked about this on air?}}
{{Steve|We've talked about me on Blockbusters.}}
{{Ricky|Have we?}}
{{Steve|But not about my pitching this game.}}
{{Ricky|No go on, go on.}}
{{Steve|And I said to her, "Sit down," I said "I got a great idea." And I tried to bill it with me as the star! She said, "Who are you?"}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|"Steve's Meat Rations?" She said, "Why are you in it?" I said, "I am. Don't worry, I'm the only one who can pull it off."}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And she said, "Well go on, what is it?" And at that time, I had none of the games.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|All I had was the title. And she went, "I like it, what are the games?" "I- Hmm... dunno."}}
{{Ricky|Ohh. If you'd have just said "Well I'll stop you there, love." And just popped a gas mask on, and said "Who am I?"}}
{{Steve|She'd have gone "Snork!" "Nah nah nah-"}}
{{Ricky|"No, it's not!"}}



==Jezoc!==
{{Ricky|I used to write, when I was at school.}}
{{Steve|Oh, yeah?}}
{{Ricky|Um, now I didn't watch sort of kids' programs when I was growing up, I watched sort of crap, adult ones. You know what I mean, ITV on the telly from 12 midday, through to like, midnight. And I'd watch all the police series.}}
{{Steve|Mm.}}
{{Ricky|Um, ''Police Story'', uhh, ''Charlie's Angels'', ''Steve Austin'',}}
{{Steve|"''Teen Knight Rider''".}}
{{Ricky|"''Teen Knight Rider''", yeah. And I wrote this essay at school and I just couldn't stop, and I started serialising it, and every time I just kept writing it, people were reading it at school, and it was about a cop, a New York Cop, who was as hard as f- you know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|And I worked out what his name was, now I just- God... this is how television influences me, cos it was one word name which was his surname, that was the title of the book, title of the series, and that's what all his friends called him. Wait till you- right... (clears throat) It was called ''Jezoc''.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) "Jezoc"?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Steve|"Jezoc".}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I thought it had a "Zuh", and a "Cuh", and a "Juh". Jezoc.}}
{{Steve|Jezoc.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. D'you know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|It does sound so close to like, "pillock", or "Jessie",}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Or "Nonce".}}
{{Ricky|No- no, "nonce"? There's no "nonce".}}
{{Steve|Well, d'you know what I mean... Jezoc!}}
{{Ricky|It's a cross between sort of like, "pillock" and "jism".}}
{{Steve|"Damn you, Jezoc!"}}
{{Ricky|Yeah!}}
{{Steve|"You're off the case!"}}
{{Ricky|"Gimme the badge!" "Keep the stinkin' badge, I don't need a badge to be a cop." It was all stuff like that, and he'd burst- yeah, yeah, and he'd sort of look at his gun and go, "This is ''my'' law!" You know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|"My God, it's Jezoc! How did he find us?"}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Jezoc! Yeah. It was great, there'd be shootouts and everything. Ohh, fantastic. }}
{{Steve|Let me just ask, was he- did he perhaps have a broken marriage, he was hard-boiled, he played by his own rules,}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|Didn't he? I imagine.}}
{{Ricky|Simultaneous with this-}}
{{Steve|He was a bit of a drunkard as well, had a bit of a drink problem.}}
{{Ricky|No he didn't drink, no. He was a good looking fella, um-}}
{{Steve|But he was letting himself go, he was a bit hard-bitten.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. And the other thing I was sort of simultaneous- it was more of a novel, I wasn't gonna serialise it I was actually writing a novel and I got three exercise books, right, um, it was about this kid, right? (laughs) Oh God... right, he saw his parents just brutally murdered for no reason by a gang of outlaws, yeah? And he buried his father, and he knelt down on the grave, and he said- looked up and he goes, "As God is my witness, I will avenge thee."}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|And then he sort of went to the store and he got loads of bullets and he practised, and he was the fastest gun- he was only about sixteen.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|His name was Jody Barnes.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Jody Barnes is alright, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Good innit?}}
{{Steve|That's nice.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Ohh, fantastic.}}
{{Steve|Have you still got any of those exercise books?}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) I hope not!}}
{{Steve|That'd be incredible.}}
{{Ricky|Cos the teachers used to sort of like, I imagine them going "Yeah, it's good." I imagine them passing them round the uh, "He's done another one! Gervais has written another episode of ''Jezoc''!"}}
{{Steve|But seriously, if you brought one of those in and read it out, I'd be entranced.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Imagine it!}}
{{Steve|Seriously that'd be great! D'you think your mum might-}}
{{Ricky|The ramblings of a twisted 14 year old brain that only ever watched ITV cop shows.}}
{{Steve|Do you think your mum might still have some copies?}}
{{Ricky|No-}}
{{Steve|Of ''Jezoc''?}}
{{Ricky|No! (laughs)}}
{{Steve|Was it like- Wasn't it like ''Jezoc'', then it was like ''Jezoc Abroad'', ''Jezoc in Paris'', ''Jezoc on Safari''.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|''Here comes Jezoc''.}}
{{Ricky|My mum used-}}
{{Steve|''Return of Jezoc''.}}
{{Ricky|"I likes that Jezoc, he's a proper man."}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|"He's not like you." "But mum, I invented Jezoc!" "You're a nancy, you couldn't be like Jezoc." "He's in my mind!"}}
{{Steve|''Return of Jezoc'', ''Here comes Jezoc'', ''Son of Jezoc''.}}
{{Ricky|Ohh, it's fantastic. What if Jezoc met Jody Barnes, they'd get on. They'd have no quarrels.}}
{{Steve|They could team up.}}
{{Ricky|Oh it'd be fantastic, after the break, little bit of uh, "La's".}}
{{Steve|''Teen Jezoc''.}}
{{Action|Song: The La's - }}



==Return of Jezoc==
{{Ricky|...this is five minutes to the news.}}
{{Steve|The news, I'm looking forward to the news, you've had a great couple of newscaters the last couple of weeks.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Don't! Don't piss 'em off bec- ooh, you made-}}

{{Ricky|If Jezoc came in here,}}
{{Steve|Oh my God, he would not stand for it.}}
{{Ricky|He'd arrest the engineer.}}
{{Steve|He wouldn't stand for it, he'd soon figure out who's fault it was.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and he'd-}}
{{Steve|"Get me Jezoc!"}}
{{Ricky|They'd be down the precint wouldn't they, asking a few questions.}}
{{Steve|"Jezoc, you're off the case!"}}
{{Ricky|"I don't need a stinkin' badge."}}
{{Steve|I bet Jezoc plays by his own rules, doesn't he?}}
{{Ricky|'Course he does, but they take his gun, his official gun. Not the one on his ankle though.}}
{{Steve|Oh, he's got a little ankle gun!}}
{{Ricky|'Course he has!}}
{{Steve|I didn't expect that from Jezoc.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah he has to so-}}
{{Steve|And is Jezoc one of those NYPD cops who doesn't have a first name?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, I think of him now, I think he might be um, a little bit latino,}}
{{Steve|Oh really?}}
{{Ricky|Or maybe hispanic, I dunno.}}
{{Steve|Hispanic NYPD cop?}}
{{Ricky|Jezoc-}}
{{Steve|Jezoc the hispanic cop.}}
{{Ricky|Czechoslovakian hispanic yeah, Jezoc.}}
{{Steve|"Get me Jezoc."}}
{{Ricky|Emilio Jezoc.}}
{{Steve|"Emilio Jezoc".}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|That'd be fantastic, so what's the name of the show itself, is it named after him?}}
{{Ricky|It's called ''Jezoc''.}}
{{Steve|It's called, quite simply ''Jezoc''.}}
{{Ricky|Of course it is, it's called ''Jezoc'', yeah.}}
{{Steve|And it's an NYPD cop-}}
{{Ricky|When is he gonna marry that girl?}}
{{Steve|Ohohoh-}}
{{Ricky|Oh come on, make her an honest woman!}}
{{Steve|Make her an honest woman for goodness' sake!}}
{{Ricky|She's cooked for you again!}}
{{Steve|Ohh Jezoc.}}
{{Ricky|Good innit, ohh, Christ's sake Jezoc.}}
{{Steve|Ohh, but he's hard-boiled Gervais, he's already had two failed marriages,}}
{{Ricky|I know.}}
{{Steve|And I tell you what it is, it was because the fact that he was a cop, cos you bring that stuff home with you, alright, you can't just leave that at the office, Gervais.}}
{{Ricky|I'm worried about his kid. Sixteen.}}
{{Steve|Really?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Has he gone off the rails a bit?}}
{{Ricky|He's on smack.}}
{{Steve|I don't believe it. I don't believe it.}}
{{Ricky|He could have been a great cop, he could have been a football player as well.}}
{{Steve|Well of course he was, cos he was great in college.}}
{{Ricky|He was great in college, he was-}}
{{Steve|And new he's hanging out with the wrong people because Jezoc can't give him enough attention.}}
{{Ricky|I know.}}
{{Steve|And of course Jezoc's ex-wife of course is dead,}}
{{Ricky|Is she?}}
{{Steve|so he's gotta raise the ship on his own.}}
{{Ricky|Is she, I don't rememb-}}
{{Steve|Well, yeah!}}
{{Ricky|Oh no.}}
{{Steve|Well she got-}}
{{Ricky|What did she die of?}}
{{Steve|His first wife, the marriage broke up because he was heavy drinking, obviously.}}
{{Ricky|Oh of course, yeah.}}
{{Steve|And the fact that he was a cop.}}
{{Ricky|But that's because of the things he has to go through every day of his life!}}
{{Steve|I know!}}
{{Ricky|Listen you- you're facing smackheads coming at you, coked... on crack, right-}}
{{Steve|Uzis!}}
{{Ricky|Uzis, right? You gotta let your hair down in a bar- he killed a young kid!}}
{{Steve|I know he did!}}
{{Ricky|That kid-}}

{{Steve|He married twice,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|His first wife, um, I think what happened there Gervais is that, as far as I'm aware, is that they got divorced, but really they still love each other don't they, let's be honest.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|She's the only one that really stands by him.}}
{{Ricky|Well Jezoc says that you know, "I can love two people."}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|And he has done.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|But I had to cut those scenes out.}}
{{Steve|And his second wife, she's dead isn't she? She got killed didn't she?}}
{{Ricky|Wh- yeah. You know why?}}
{{Steve|Why?}}
{{Ricky|He hesitated, after he'd killed the young smackhead boy that was coming at him - had a grenade.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) I don't believe it.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, bastard, had a little grenade, yeah.}}
{{Steve|And his second wife got caught in the crossfire.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and he thought, "Oh I hes-" he shot them, and that's why he never hesitates again, he just goes in blasting, sometimes he shuts his eyes.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) He just goes in blasting.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}

{{Steve|Uh, what would be the opening credits sequence for Jezoc? What do you think, what would happen, would it be ''The Rockford Files'' style where he's in the supermarket buying food and all that sort of-}}
{{Ricky|Um, I think he'd be um, no, I think it'd be like split-screen, and one bit he'd be turning round, in like a mall, like *pew pew* firing, on the other one, he'd be dropping the toast and his wife would be ruffling his hair in the morning, and he'd be going, "Oh-" and he'd be sort of like getting crumbs off it and pubes and stuff.}}
{{Steve|Well it wouldn't be his wife it would be a lovely lady he probably picked up the night before.}}
{{Ricky|No- no!}}
{{Steve|Remember that great-}}
{{Ricky|No he doesn't do that!}}
{{Steve|No he does cos he's-}}
{{Ricky|He does not!}}
{{Steve|He's-}}
{{Ricky|He doesn't!}}
{{Steve|He's estranged from his wife and his second wife's dead, you idiot.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah but we established he's got a new one that he's sort of-}}
{{Steve|He hasn't got a new wife, why has he got-}}
{{Ricky|He- no, not a new wife he's got a new bird hasn't he?}}
{{Steve|Well yeah you said "wife"!}}
{{Ricky|Well, he's faithful to her though, he doesn't go an pick up floozys, ne'er-do-well- he doesn't hang around with dirty girls.}}
{{Steve|(laughs) I always remember the beginning of Quincy where he's there and he's doing exactly that, sort of running and jumping over things, and then you see him and you think he's examining a body cos he is- that is what he does for a living.}}
{{Ricky|And he's kissing someone.}}
{{Steve|And he- no it pulls out and he's giving a woman in a sunbathing outfit, just giving her a massage.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) "Sunbathing outfit"!}}
{{Steve|Well I don't know what the word is.}}
{{Ricky|Where's Steve lived for the last 20 years where- "Mmm, I did see in yonder- a sunbathing outfit! For sure! There was flesh bits in the middle and the rest were polka dot!"}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|Why'd- "Sunbathing outfit"! (laughs) "Sunbathing outfit"! That's great! "Birthday suit. There was a girl in the altogether, the altogether!"}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|Oh god, that's fantastic.}}
{{Steve|What's wrong with that?}}
{{Ricky|"Mmm, I will pop this rubber thing on and for sure I am in a sexual intercourse outfit."}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|"Sunbathing outfit".}}
{{Steve|I can't believe I've embarrassed myself with my use of language when it's invariably yourself, Gervais.}}
{{Ricky|I know, yeah. Ohh, dear.}}


==Turned Up Pissed==
{{Ricky|You know we usually have a few beers and we get- throughout the show and I get suddenly drunk, which is unprofessional? This- saved a bit of time, turned up pissed.}}
{{Steve|You turned up drunk today?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. So-}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|So we're- I tell you what, um-}}
{{Steve|I'll be honest with you Gervais, um,}}
{{Ricky|What?}}
{{Steve|You know normally if someone gets drunk, their speech begins to slur,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|They talk rubbish,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Um, no difference with you.}}
{{Ricky|No, that's the beauty of it.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|That's the beauty of being me.}}
{{Steve|Yeah exactly.}}
{{Ricky|You know what I mean, no-}}
{{Steve|How-}}
{{Ricky|What?}}
{{Steve|How drunk are you?}}
{{Ricky|Um, I had a little bit of wine.}}
{{Steve|Did you?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Couple of glasses?}}
{{Ricky|It's a lovely- I might get a little bit melancholy and... (sobbing) What about the little baby kangaroos that have to crawl out their mums? I help them.}}



==Tease Penguin==
{{Ricky|Tease Penguin's probably one of my greatest inventions.}}
{{Steve|The Tease Penguin, can you tell us again, I forget.}}
{{Ricky|Well it's just a penguin, right, you train, you put it in a lovely little french maid outfit, and it comes in with a- (breathes) sort of breathes fishy breath on you and slaps you round the face with its flipper.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Aww...}}
{{Steve|Ummm... Jezoc, obviously.}}
{{Ricky|But it doesn't let you go any further.}}
{{Steve|Awww...}}
{{Ricky|That's why it's the tease penguin.}}
{{Steve|Yeah, oh I see.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Umm, XFamily Fortunes?}}
{{Ricky|Ohh, I can see that on telly myself.}}
{{Steve|Yeah it's incredible, I dunno where you got the idea from.}}
{{Ricky|I- d'you know they just come into me head sometimes. }}
{{Steve|Do they?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Action|Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine}}



==1-800-Suicide==
{{Ricky|Babybird was actually in this week, with Claire.}}
{{Steve|...Was he.}}
{{Ricky|Lovely. Lovely man.}}
{{Steve|Oh Babybird was in at XFM?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, he's very nice.}}
{{Steve|Is he?}}
{{Ricky|He's got a beak and funny little claws.}}
{{Steve|Oh, rick.}}
{{Ricky|I know, it made me laugh.}}
{{Steve|Don't... Oh my God we're desparate-}}
{{Ricky|He used to be an egg.}}
{{Steve|Desparate men Rick, if you've gotta resort to that kind of gag.}}
{{Ricky|I called him Babybird and he went, "I've never been called that before." Which is bizarre.}}
{{Steve|But the band are called Babybird, he's called Stephen...}}
{{Action|Muffled music coming through the wall}}
{{Ricky|...Can you go and tell them to turn that down next door? When we're trying to do a show.}}
{{Steve|Someone's playing music, aren't they?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Emma, it's just- it's not on.}}
{{Steve|That's insane, I can hear a throb from the other room.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Someone's got- this is insane Gervais, it's like trying to host a radio show-}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. And now he's laughing. Yeah. Well anyway, we're gonna play a track that you've brought in.}}
{{Steve|That's right.}}
{{Ricky|Go on, what is it?}}
{{Steve|It's a fantastic tune by the Gravediggaz,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Part of the Wu-Tang ca- clan rap collective, right, it's from their album.}}
{{Ricky|Not to be confused with the Wu-Tang clam, which is a little shellfish,}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|That's into rap.}}
{{Steve|Yeah that swears a lot. }}
{{Ricky|Yeah, terrible, yeah.}}
{{Steve|Um, the track is uh-}}
{{Ricky|Got a mussel posse.}}
{{Steve|The track is beautiful, you've probably heard it on the dancefloor maybe at some indie club.}}
{{Ricky|Of course I have, yeah.}}
{{Steve|''1-800 Suicides''.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Now I would stress Rick, it has got a bit of bad language.}}
{{Ricky|I know, I mean I've listened to this twice, and I reckon I've got it off pat, I reckon I'm gonna pull the fader down at just the right places and go, "Ehh". Okay?}}
{{Steve|Right, you're gonna sort of bleep it out.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, and if it goes wrong so what? You know, that's real, people have a problem with swearing, I don't, do you?}}
{{Steve|No. Not at all.}}
{{Ricky|I mean I'm doing it cos it's rules and you know-}}
{{Steve|You know the great thing about rap-}}
{{Ricky|We wanna stay on air because you know, we take our jobs seriously,}}
{{Steve|We do.}}
{{Ricky|And I think we're- we're - sorry, 'scuse my french, bloody good DJs.}}
{{Steve|Well I think you're absolutely right Rick, let me shake your hand.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, alright,}}
{{Steve|There we are, good shaking of the hand there. I love a bit of rap, Gervais,}}
{{Ricky|That wasn't actually french.}}
{{Steve|No.}}
{{Ricky|Was it? That's weird that, innit?}}
{{Steve|Umm, oh, "Pardon my french!"}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|People always say when they maybe say 'bollocks' or something.}}
{{Ricky|"Excuse my french but le plume de ma tante."}}
{{Steve|Haha!}}
{{Ricky|"Hey come on, language. Language." Umm we'll be learning a little bit of uh, foreign language later, I've brought in um, ''Instant Yiddish'' by Fred Kogos, I've always wanted to learn Yiddish.}}
{{Steve|Really?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. Um... "Ugh... narishyekt", uh, foolishness. Um, "Zum glick, zum schlimmen". Yeah, for better for worse. So I'll be- I'll teach you little useless phrases like that, out of the old ''Instant Yiddish'' book, but first, what was this, Gravediggaz?}}
{{Steve|Gravediggaz, uh, they're keeping it real, they're keeping it raw, so there is a bit of bad language.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, mine's... raw.}}
{{Steve|You've been keeping it raw?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, 'course I have. Um, right, I'm gonna have a go at this then.}}
{{Steve|Alright don't-}}
{{Ricky|No don't- shut up right I gotta play this... shut up then, don't put me off, I gotta concentrate. }}
{{Steve|Bleep it out live.}}
{{Ricky|I will yeah, shut up.}}
{{Steve|...Alright, is it going?}}
{{Action|Gravediggaz - 1-800 Suicide starts playing with Ricky bleeping out the swears throughout}}
{{Steve|Okay,}}
{{Ricky|Shush.}}
{{Steve|Take it calm, take it calm.}}
{{Ricky|Alright.}}
{{Action|Song continues}}
{{Steve|I think there's one coming now.}}
{{Ricky|I know!}}
{{Action|Song continues}}
{{Steve|Good work, good work.}}
{{Ricky|It's alright.}}
{{Steve|You're doing okay but you're not out of the woods yet.}}
{{Action|Song continues}}
{{Ricky|...This is too stressful.}}
{{Steve|Ahh you're doing well,}}
{{Ricky|No, no-}}
{{Steve|I don't think there's any more.}}
{{Ricky|No?}}
{{Steve|Just play it.}}
{{Action|Song ends}}



==Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!==
{{Ricky|...'Course I am!}}
{{Steve|I tell you, one day, right, it's just one of me at the moment but one day there'll be a whole squadron, it'll be like ''Planet of the Apes''.}}
{{Ricky|Oh my God, and you don't actually need anyone else to sort of like, breed, do you?}}
{{Steve|Exactly, we can just reproduce as we are.}}
{{Ricky|(makes squelching noises)}}
{{Steve|It'll be like ''Planet of the Apes'' right, there'll be a sort of Charlton Heston figure-}}
{{Ricky|''Planet of the Squids''.}}
{{Steve|He'll crash land-}}
{{Ricky|"Get your damn dirty... tentacle off me!"}}
{{Steve|He'll crash land, yeah, exactly, and it'll just be loads of 'me' crawling round, all identical chasing him on horseback.}}
{{Ricky|And they'll see like Bristol Temple Meads and they'll go, "Oh my God, they blew it up!"}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|He's back in Bristol with all your- ohh no.}}
{{Steve|Incredible.}}

{{Ricky|There must be an organisation of volunteers or something who, if it's like touch and go, if it's really serious, if you're like clinically depressed about it and you really can't get a woman, they don't want just people turning up who can get girls, saying, "Oh, I fancy-" you know, but in your case, you'll have- they'll speak to you, they'll see you, and I think you know, there must be some sort of National Health thing or private- where you can actually sleep with um, I dunno, a voluntary worker.}}
{{Steve|(laughs)}}
{{Ricky|No d'you know what I mean though?}}
{{Steve|You think so?}}
{{Ricky|Well yeah there's people that-}}
{{Steve|That'd be amazing!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah there's people that um, I dunno, volunteer for geriatric duty, you know, and they're exploding all over the place, they're covered in the stuff, right? There's people that work on leper colonies for nothing. There must be someone who would sleep with you out of sympathy... you don't want that, 'course you don't! You don't what that, do you?}}
{{Steve|Well let's not be hasty, Rick.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|I mean these people- I mean especially if they need some sort of free publicity, you know, and get a bit of press and media attention.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|I ought to sort of help to publicise their campaign, really.}}
{{Ricky|There's probably an organisation that'd go, you know, they'd go off to like, strange climes and go on to like, leper islands and that, and they work with them, or they can sleep with you. Now that's gotta do the leper some good, hasn't it?}}
{{Steve|...Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|You know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|Wouldn't that be terrible if that was the option, right, and suddenly volunteers to leper colonies doubled.}}
{{Ricky|It's like going to Torremolinos.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|"Let me on the bus." "Sorry there's no room on the bus." But you're at the back there going, "Well um... well then here we go."}}
{{Steve|"Here I am, then..."}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|"No, no but I'm sorry, I signed up for the lepers."}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|"Um, licking their wounds."}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|"Well sorry, but-"}}
{{Ricky|"Geriatric duty!"}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|"Run out of bedpans?"}}
{{Steve|"Scraping it out."}}
{{Ricky|Ohh dear. I heard a song in the week, right, and I've heard it before, it's by Ween, and it goes, (in an annoying voice) "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!" And I dunno what it's called. 01715802000, I dunno where to look. "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!" It's like that. It is.}}
{{Steve|Rubbish.}}
{{Ricky|I've been going round singing that.}}
{{Steve|There's no song with that lyric in.}}
{{Ricky|It's like that, it goes, "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!"}}
{{Steve|Shut up, shut up, shut up!}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Shut up, for God's sake Gervais.}}
{{Ricky|That's what my friends have been saying for the last four days.}}
{{Steve|God, you're really irritating me today.}}
{{Ricky|Like people walk around going, "If you'll be mine, I'll be-" not too annoying, but after about ten times you go, "Oh, can you sing something else?" But when you've heard "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!"}}
{{Steve|Shut up. Shut up now.}}
{{Ricky|It can get really annoying.}}
{{Steve|Yes it can.}}
{{Ricky|It really can, can't it?}}
{{Steve|Shut up.}}
{{Ricky|Okay, Wannadies, ''You and Me Song''. "Pushthelittledaisies-"}}
{{Steve|Shut up!}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Action|Song: Wannadies - You And Me Song}}



==Tip The Balance==
{{Ricky|We've done funny phonecalls, haven't we?}}
{{Steve|We've done some funny phonecalls, yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Did that one like Penky, when we phoned up Safeway and said "Have you got some cheese?" and they said "Yes." We showed them didn't we?}}
{{Steve|That showed them.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|We've done some crazy crank calls.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Uh, who- "Do you want some beer?"}}
{{Ricky|"Do you want some beer".}}
{{Steve|Brilliant game.}}
{{Ricky|5 o'clock foreigner.}}
{{Steve|5 o'clock foreigner.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Umm, ooh, what else have we done? There's been just to much, hasn't there?}}
{{Ricky|The alarm frog.}}
{{Steve|The alarm frog.}}
{{Ricky|That never got off the ground.}}
{{Steve|That never got going.}}
{{Ricky|Umm...}}
{{Steve|Got some great ideas.}}
{{Ricky|''Tip the Balance'', that's the last one I've got.}}
{{Steve|"''Tip the Balance''"? You haven't explained it.}}
{{Ricky|It's my last- I think it's a little bit in bad taste.}}
{{Steve|Really?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Oh, well I don't want that on this show.}}
{{Ricky|(laughing) No, no, I mean I think it's a little bit... much.}}
{{Steve|Really, is it too much,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Is it the most outrageous thing you've ever-}}
{{Ricky|Well okay, look, this is an idea, right,}}
{{Steve|It's a board game?}}
{{Ricky|It's a board game, I'm gonna send it off to Waddingtons when uh, I get, you know. It's four simple weights, just like fulcrum weights, you know like scales,}}
{{Steve|Like a little see-saw?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah a little see-saw, and there's one end is like a bowl, right, the other end is a kilogram weight.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|And there's four of those, so four of you sit round, and you've gotta quite simply, "Tip the Balance", right?}}
{{Steve|So you've gotta fill the bowl,}}
{{Ricky|Fill the bowl, yeah.}}
{{Steve|What with rice or-}}
{{Ricky|No no,}}
{{Steve|Household objects?}}
{{Ricky|No, uhh, bodily secretions.}}
{{Steve|...Right.}}
{{Ricky|So it's the first, you know.}}
{{Steve|Maybe you shouldn't tell us about this.}}
{{Ricky|Well no, cos there's simple rules. Anything that come out your body is alright, okay, in every form.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|(quietly) Well you know, there's-}}
{{Steve|Anything that comes out your body, you put that into the bowl,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|And sort of... tip the balance.}}
{{Ricky|So uh... I was just thinking if I said it quieter, it wasn't so bad, I was gonna go "Well there's piss, and there's-" D'you know what I mean? It doesn't work, right? Snot. Um... Sick. Uh... C-}}
{{Steve|Spunk.}}
{{Ricky|Well I was gonna say "come" because then I could have been spelling it 'C-O-M-E', therefore, getting by some of the radio authority rules rather sneakily. And "spunk" as you said is like courage, isn't it?}}
{{Steve|Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|Like on the ''Waltons'' they go, "Ohh, I love your new girlfriend John Boy, she's full of spunk."}}
{{Steve|(laughing) Exactly.}}
{{Ricky|"Sorry about that, I've been carried away, dad!"}}
{{Steve|"Goodnight, John Boy. John Boy! Goodnight."}}
{{Ricky|Don't- don't! Right, here's The Cure, we'll come back to this.}}
{{Action|Song: The Cure - Charlotte Sometimes}}

{{Ricky|Cure, ''Charlotte Sometimes'', twenty to six, Ricky Gervais, ''Ricky Gervais Show'',}}
{{Steve|And um-}}
{{Ricky|Steve.}}
{{Steve|What have we offered today, well we've offered "''Tip the Balance''", the new board game from Waddingtons,}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|Which involves secreting various bodily fluids into a bowl in order to tip the balance.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah and all you do, you go, "Tip the balance!" I just imagine the front cover with sort of granny, she's stooped. Yeah she's just-}}
{{Steve|She's- no she's got trousers down,}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|She's ju- and all-}}
{{Ricky|She's missed it!}}
{{Steve|She's missed it.}}
{{Ricky|She's missed it completely, they're all laughing-}}
{{Steve|The family are there behind aren't they, clapping and cheering.}}
{{Ricky|The mother just laughing doing a dustman's blow.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Right, and the 14 year old boy, he's- well, he's got- well right-}}
{{Steve|Well, he's enjoyed it the most, let's be honest.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|Um, but what about if, you know that Bingo, is the most popular evening pastime in the country and there are these huge Bingo palaces.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, that's because they haven't tipped the balance.}}
{{Steve|Thousands of seats, imagine if they were all playing ''Tip the Balance''.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) It'd be great- the smell!}}
{{Steve|Oh it'd be incredible.}}
{{Ricky|Oh God.}}
{{Steve|That'd be fantastic.}}
{{Ricky|That'd be great, you could have winner stays on, cos you'd have a disadvantage then, wouldn't you? "Well I've just..." know what I mean?}}
{{Steve|I imagine in Japan they've already got a TV show like that, I'd imagine.}}
{{Ricky|A kilogram's a lot though to get rid of.}}
{{Steve|Yeah you've gotta have a lot of sputum.}}
{{Ricky|I know, everything. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|But I think it's a great idea, can you... could you give birth into the bowl?}}
{{Ricky|Uh ye- well, no. Well you could but anything you put in there you lose.}}
{{Steve|Oh right.}}
{{Ricky|So you'd have people ins- yeah. Like you can't- you could like, you could bleed into it and amputate into it but you can't have it back. Like you couldn't put a false limb in.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|Cos that's sort of cheating. Uh, but there is a thing called the 'Fish Card', where if you're all out of it, you're all "Ugh" strained out, you've vomited, you've snotted, and that's it and everyone's got like, you know, .8 kilograms in theirs, you can go, "Fish card!" right, and you can take someone else's bowl and pour it into yours, but you gotta pour it via your mouth.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|So you take a big glug of that, *ptoo* and you win.}}
{{Steve|You've thought this through, haven't you?}}
{{Ricky|Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|You've played this haven't you?}}
{{Ricky|No, I haven't played it, I haven't played it, I haven't got the uh, the equipment.}}
{{Steve|Right.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Action|Song: Jeff Buckley - Everybody Here Wants You}}

{{Ricky|Jeff Buckley, ''Everybody Here Wants You''. Well, nearly end of the uh... the nearly of, the show... with it. Innit?}}
{{Steve|I can't even be bothered to criticise your use of-}}
{{Ricky|It's not worth it is it?}}
{{Steve|Your use of language any more.}}
{{Ricky|I know yeah.}}
{{Steve|It's so late in the day, if you're not gonna master it at the age of what, 45 or however old you are.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|You know I mentioned umm, I guess we could call it "Freak show" or something like that.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Where celebrities with deformities come on-}}
{{Ricky|That was Nigel's from... Tottenham.}}
{{Steve|Nigel in Tottenham came up with the idea.}}
{{Ricky|Suck the most deformed- what would you put forward as your most deformed bit?}}
{{Steve|Well luckily, sucking my most deformed bit would be curiously enjoyable for me.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Steve|So um, anyway I asked for a few more celebrities who have got deformities and various people have called in, uh Jez in East Barnet has mentioned John Thaw who of course uh-}}
{{Ricky|What's up with him?}}
{{Steve|Well John's left leg I think is shorter than his right, he always sort of hobbles a bit as he walks.}}
{{Ricky|You'd have to suck the whole of the left leg?}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Right.}}
{{Steve|So that's-}}
{{Ricky|"Say that again Lewis." "Well I was just saying, Sarge, that like, the fat bird in the opera-" "Yes, I know who it is now!" "What, cos I said-" "No, nothing to do with it, I just saw him do it, I just forgot when I was pissed." Yeah go on.}}
{{Steve|Uh Paul Daniels, apparently one arm is shorter than the other.}}
{{Ricky|Um, uh, can I just say, the head?}}
{{Steve|(laughs) True enough. Yeah, Debbie McGee can come on and just bring Paul,}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Yeah, yeah.}}
{{Steve|As her deformed-}}
{{Ricky|Under her arm.}}
{{Steve|Object, yeah. Um, that's from Tony in Amersham. Um, we've also had Ian Dury, someone's mentioned that, it says that Ian Dury had-}}
{{Ricky|His left side. Yeah.}}
{{Steve|Really, did he have a stroke or something? Polio.}}
{{Ricky|Polio wasn't it? Yeah.}}
{{Steve|So his left side. And Anthea Turner, apparently she lost the middle three of her toes or something, in a horrible accident, I don't know if that's true. Anyway Anthea Turner, it'd be great, just get her on anyway.}}
{{Ricky|She lost... hold on, what? Let me he have a look.}}
{{Steve|I don't think it's- can be true to be honest, it says that she's only got two toes on one of her feet because she lost the other three in a Flymo accident.}}
{{Ricky|Oh my God.}}
{{Steve|I don't know if that's true, it doesn't sound very true.}}
{{Ricky|So when you used to go to school and someone- "Ooh, had a fight with a lawnmower?"}}
{{Steve|Yeah, she did.}}
{{Ricky|Yeah. "No, I meant your hair, love." "No, look at me toes." "Ugh! Uggh!"}}
{{Steve|(laughs) Yeah, exactly. So yeah, celebrities-}}
{{Ricky|What would you suck, would you suck the gap or would you suck the toes that flew off in the garden?}}
{{Steve|I really haven't thought about it.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs) Well why not?}}
{{Steve|I haven't really given it much thought to it, to be honest.}}
{{Ricky|(laughs)}}
{{Action|Song: Lou Reed - Satellite of Love}}

{{Ricky|Satellite- that's all we were Steve, just satellites.}}
{{Steve|Just satellites orbiting around the mighty space station of XFM, I don't know what I'm talking about.}}
{{Ricky|No, I didn't think that you could carry it that much further.}}
{{Steve|No, no. Still that's the end, you know, no more cheap knob gags on a Sunday afternoon.}}
{{Ricky|No.}}
{{Steve|No more sort of swearing-}}
{{Ricky|Smut on the radio, breaking every radio authority that there ever was.}}
{{Steve|Yeah.}}
{{Ricky|Good times, eh?}}
{{Steve|We've had a few laughs, few tears.}}