17 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 17 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Bit of a Blow at the Sonys

Ricky: Blur and “Out of Time.” They’re joking. There’s two hours to go.

Steve laughs

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. A new leaf. Um, bit of a blow at the, uh, Sonys. Um, not like that. I mean, you know, we were taken aback.

Steve: Speak for yourself!

Ricky: Ha, yeah. Um, and, uh, we've got guests. Jonathan Ross won and he has guests, so we’re gonna have guests in, uh, one of which is, uh, sort of a tie-in. He's going to explain himself. It’s, uh, Dr. Fox, Dr. Neil Fox. Popped in for a chat. It’s a pre-record. We’ve got that. Although, live in the second hour we’re going to have a chat to the girls from t.A.T.u who are upstairs at the moment at Capital and they’re going to, they’re going to pop down and have a little chat with us. So we’re really trying to, you know, make this more of an interactive show. Um, uh, we don’t know yet whether we’re going to give up, uh, or not. It depends how this show goes. Um, yeah. Look forward to that, but we’ve got some great- we went down to the big library so we don’t have to rely on 4 Non Blondes and the, uh, you know, two Jam tracks that are up-up here. We went down to the big library and, uh, we’ve got some great tracks, Steve, haven’t we?

Steve: Lots--

Ricky: We’ve got some classics. Should we play one now?

Steve: Well, before that I just remembered that some of the criticism we received, uh, I think, was that we’re perhaps not taking into consideration the listeners. A lot of shows, a lot of radio shows, they cater very much to the community, to the area which they’re broadcasting.

Ricky: Hmm.

Steve: They interact with the, uh, with the listenership--

Ricky: Where’s the fun in that?

Steve: I agree--

Ricky: --want from me, really?

Steve: Um, I-I-I would just like to justify why we don’t tend to, um, correspond or interact with the listeners. Here’s a typical e-mail from Vicki, aged twenty-five. She asks, “Do you ski?”

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve: Rick, that’s her question.

Ricky: No, I don’t--

Steve: Do you ski? Yes or no.

Ricky: No, I don’t.

Steve: No, you don’t. Right, there you are. Thanks, Vick!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Brilliant! Keep those coming in!

Ricky: See? He’s- now he’s turned ‘em against us, Karl! What do you think, Karl? What do you think of Steve’s attitude there?

Karl: It’s alright.

Ricky laughs

Steve: More insight like that coming later.

Song: Black Grape - Kelly’s Heroes

Do You Still Do Prescriptions?

Ricky: Black Grape, “Kelly’s Heroes” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Okay? Proper, proper radio. As you know, we’re a bit gutted that we won nothing at the Sony Awards. We found out that, uh, on the panel was Dr. Fox. Probably one of the-the greatest, um, DJs in the world.

Steve: One of the great living broadcasters.

Ricky: I-I… I certainly think that he’s up there.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Um, with, uh, w-with Tarrant, Jono Coleman. Um, and so--

Steve: And Chris Moyles.

Ricky: We have- great Chris Moyles. We asked him to- he’s also on the, uh, Pop, you know, Pop Idol panel, so he-he can make and break people, so. We asked him basically to explain himself. Why did we win nothing? Why were we so bad? This is what he had to say.

Recorded segment

Dr. Neil Fox: The award, guys, was called “The Entertainment Award.” Right? Now in itself, I think that should probably tell you something about what should be on the tape. There should be some entertainment. And, uh, it just wasn’t very entertaining, actually. I don’t mean- that sounds quite horrible, sitting here in front of you now, but it-it just wasn’t very entertaining.

Steve: But fundamentally what-what elements did you not find entertaining?

Dr. Neil Fox: Uh, the fact that it didn’t seem to entertain me at all.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Dr. Neil Fox: Was part of it. I mean, it’s-it’s a bit of, like, how long is a piece of string, isn’t it? What is entertaining?

Ricky: But we have talked about string on the show before, though.

Dr. Neil Fox: Uh, then there were loads of people I’ve never heard of in my life and some of those were perhaps a bit more entertaining than you. The people that got silver, I think they were called Joe and Twiggy. They worked for a station in the Midlands. Uh, I think Trent FM. They were actually pretty funny.

Ricky: Funnier than our stuff?

Dr. Neil Fox: Yeah, what- yeah, they were, actually. Yeah, they were funny and they seemed to say, seemed to, sort of, understand their loc- seemed to understand their market a bit more.

Steve: Yeah.

Dr. Neil Fox: Then I got on to yours. I’m thinking, “Oh, great! Ricky Gervais, yeah. He‘s really funny in that program, isn‘t he? I must watch that. I’m gonna absolutely die laughing here.” And, uh- oh, God, it was painful.

Steve: How would you'd improved it, just listening?

Dr. Fox sighs

Dr. Neil Fox: Bit of humour.

Steve: Right.

Dr. Neil Fox: Be quite good. Bit of humour, essential, I would think, to an entertainment show. Um, a bit of prep, you know--

Steve: Right.

Dr. Neil Fox: A bit- get in there early and actually think about what it’s going to do, perhaps.

Steve: Well, right, okay.

Ricky: Um, well, thank you, Dr. Fox for your honesty. We got to the bot- whi-while you’re here, can I just show you this?

Sound of pants unzipping

Ricky: That lump. Do you still do prescriptions?

Recorded segment ends

Ricky: Well...

Steve: Dr. Fox there.

Ricky: He was, you know.

Steve: He was honest. He was blunt.

Ricky: He was blunt. I know he- I know that--

Steve: I'd like a second opinion! I’m only joking. He’s not actually a doctor.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Well, he used to be called Dr. Fox and now he just calls himself Neil Fox. I think he’s been struck off.

Ricky: No, he’s Neil Fox, M.D.

Steve: (chuckling) Right!

Ricky: He’s just- yeah.

Steve: I wondered if there was some malpractice that- something happened.

Ricky: They- I mean, we can’t--

Steve: Someone was under and he, sort of, you know, went a little bit crazy.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Let’s leave it there!

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Because Froggy will not take that lightly.

Steve: Who?

Ricky: Froggy.

Steve: What do you mean, “Froggy?”

Ricky: He’s Dr. Frog now. He’s changed it. He didn’t like Fox.

Steve: Oh, right.

Ricky: He hated Fox.

Steve: But, uh, are we going to heed his-his criticism? Because it was about there was no preparation--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We weren’t funny; fair enough.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, there was just really no content.

Ricky: We didn’t care about our--

Steve: Didn’t care about the show.

Ricky: The demographic we’re meant to be aiming at.

Steve: Um--

Ricky: Um.

Steve: Just sounds like a lot of work, all that.

Ricky: Uh…well, I-I think what we can do is we-we can take all on board and immediately forget it and carry on.

Steve: Brilliant!

Ricky: Cause it’s easier. What about that?

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: I tell ya what we could do, though. Play some bloody great tunes.

Steve: Well, thanks very much.

Song: Athlete - You Got the Style

You Can Have Your Cake and Eat Tit

Ricky: Athlete. “You’ve Got the Style” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Innit?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Well, you know, the funny thing was the, uh, the day of the Sonys the Rajar figures came out. That’s the body that tells exactly how many listeners you’ve got, etc. And, uh, um…XFM went down a little bit across the board. Except one show, Steve, that went up thirty-four percent.

Steve: Keep talking.

Ricky: Well, what show d’you think that was?

Steve: Well, I’m trying to think. Would it be Zoe Ball?

Ricky and Steve: Nooooo!

Steve: Would it be Christian O’Connell breakfast show?

Ricky and Steve: Nooooo!

Ricky: It was this little mother of a show.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Up thirty-four percent?

Ricky: Yeah. Everything else went down, we went up thirty-four percent.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So maybe Dr. Fox should be listening to those figures.

Steve laughs

Steve: Indeed!

Ricky: Yeah, will we get a pay rise? Will we get a thirty-four percent pay rise, Karl?

Steve: Ooh! Up to eighty quid a month!

Ricky laughs

Karl: You’ve just worked, like, for the last two years. There’s been nothing there. You’d still be getting the same money, haven’t ya? That’s the way it works.

Steve: There’s been what there?

Karl: It’s- you’re not paid per listener, are you? It’s just… you know what I mean?

Steve: It seems like it!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I think they-they’ve each given us five pence!

Steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly!

Ricky: Um, I went along to, uh- I came in for the presenter’s meetings this- I've never been before.

Steve: A what?

Ricky: A presenter’s meeting. I didn’t know they existed. And I just came in to annoy Karl. It was about five to six, um, so I was going to get him as he knocked off. We were--

Steve: Sorry, and a presenter’s meeting is what? That’s where the dish out which amusing news stories they’re going to read out, is it?

Ricky: Yeah? Or the- no, no, what order they’re going to play, um, uh, Athlete, Coldplay--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Uh, The Vines.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Um, and, uh, went upstairs. There’s all sort of people there. And, um, quite interesting, wasn’t it? Karl?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You know why the figures went down a little bit?

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: The war.

Steve: Is that what they said?

Ricky: The war, yeah. At one, at one point, I said to Karl, “Just how many listeners died in this war?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Cause I thought he was saying that they were, they were at the front.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or-or-or Xfm listeners went, “Well, I’m going.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “I’m going to Iraq.”

Steve: Well, the reason our listeners--

Ricky: “Tell Zoe to tape it for me!”

Steve chuckles

Steve: The reason our listenership went up- that-that just tells you who’s listening to us. Cowards!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yellow-bellies. Children. Women.

Ricky: People with falling arches.

Steve: Yeah. Terrorists!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, dear. Yeah, I didn’t, I didn’t, I- it was quite a good meeting, though. I saw some--

Steve: So what exactly? Was there anything I missed out on? Is there--

Ricky: No, no. They just, you know, it went, it went down a little bit, except our show, which went up thirty-four percent!

Steve: Up thirty-four percent.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But no awards for that.

Ricky: Remember that. And then you went out- you went out afterwards, didn’t ya?

Karl: Uh, yeah. We went to, uh, went to a bar to have a coupla drinks an’ that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then, uh, few of ‘em…went on to, uh, on to Stringfellows.

Ricky: No they didn’t.

Karl: Well, some of ‘em did. Zoe did.

Ricky: Who?

Karl: Zoe and a, you know, a few of the office people an’ that. I-I went home.

Ricky: Stringfellows?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: To-to what? To watch lap dancing? To be- what?

Karl: Yeah, that’s-that’s goes on there, innit? I know. It’s mad, innit?

Steve: Have you- I’ve never been to Stringfellows. I don’t know what happens there.

Ricky: N- I-I-I-I- but…no. I- what- why-why would they--

Karl: I don’t know! I don’t know. I mean, I was talking to people about it the day after and said, “Oh, you missed out.” I said, “Well, did I?” I said, “What- how’s it work?” They said, “Well, you know, you pay--”

Ricky: Never quite understood lap dancing. Never quite understood it. What is it? It’s-it’s basically… someone dancing naked, rubbing their…arse in your face.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s basically the gist of it, is it?

Karl: But you, but you can’t…the rules is you can’t touch.

Steve: Do they do a, um, a home service?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I just think it’s just- it’s nearly- I-I-I’ve got to be careful what I say here, but it's, sort of…you know, I’m not dissing Stringfellows or anything, but is that not, sort of, like one step down from prostitution?

Steve: That’s such an antiquated--

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: What, are you from the nineteenth century?

Ricky: No, but I mean what-what- it’s like it’s…wha- I-I don’t, I don’t quite understand it. I-I-I…have you--

Karl: I don’t get it! I don’t get it. Cause the thing is, they- I said, “How does it work?” They said, uh, “You pay twenty quid.”

Ricky giggles

Karl: “You-you get some clean money, sort of, like little vouchers that you stick in their knickers or whatever.

Ricky: Oh, God!

Steve: Clean money?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Disinfected money, okay.

Karl: Well, just like vouchers.

Steve: Can you put loose change in there?

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Cause I got a lotto letter.

Karl: But, um--

Ricky: IOU!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: Twenty quid, it is.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And, um, I-I just don’t get it cause, I mean, I’m not, I’m not tight with money or anything, but--

Steve: No.

Karl: You pay twenty quid. They dance in front of you, but you’re not allowed to touch, which to me is like…going to a restaurant, ordering a nice, big, warm dinner and they put it in front of you and it’s like, “Well, you can’t eat it!” And you say, “But it’s going cold!”

Ricky: HAA!

Steve laughs

Ricky: I love the idea of some bloke sitting in Stringfellows. Business man, right? Paid twenty pounds. There’s an arse waving in his face and he’s going, “Can I not just--” They go, “Don’t touch--” He goes, “It’s going cold!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Look at it! It’s going cold!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh, that is brilliant. “It’s going cold.” That is- I-I mean- see, Karl, in the week, was saying that he doesn’t like sayings and phrases and metaphor and analogy and I was going- you know, an-and he thinks it’s, sort of like, you know, one step away from poetry. But he comes out with the most evocative phrases.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: That-that-that is a straightforward analogy. “Lap dancing is like being given a meal that you can’t eat.” See, that-that’s-that’s great.

Karl: Hmm.

Ricky: That’s how you saw it and that-that-that’s so much better than saying, “It’s-it’s mad you can’t touch” or “It’s a waste” or- d’you see what I mean? I was, I was trying- we were trying to inflame his, um, enthusiasm in the week and, uh, I said about, um, different phrases an’ that. He goes, “Well, why not just say the actual words?” I was going, “Well, it’s more poetic!” And I told him the Issac Newton one, um, uh, “If I have seen further than any other man, it’s because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.” And I said, “Well, that’s because, you know, he’s saying, um, uh, you know, “I’m getting lauded for being this great scientist and all these discoveries and being a genius, but I’m saying, you know, if it wasn’t for those scholars before me that had come up with what they’ve come up with, you know, I wouldn’t have got this far.” Karl went…what’d you say?

Karl: I just said, “Well, I’d-I prefer him to give me a name check.”

Steve laughs

Karl: D’you know what I mean, though? If you're stood there and he’s saying how good everything is, don’t just class me- don’t, like- don’t, sort of, put me in with a load of other people. Give me a mention!

Ricky: If you were one of the other scholars?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, I think there are probably people that died, sort of, years before him. I think he’s saying more that he’s thanking the body of work these scientists and these great men had-had handed down, you know, through either books, material, teachings--

Steve: He’s not giving a big shout-out to the collective science posse.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah. “Ya know, fank you. Actually, I copied Nigel’s.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He’s not saying that. “I-I was, I was, like, earwigging. I heard what Nigel said about it, about the third law.” D’you know what I mean?

Karl: Yeah. I mean, I look into sayings an’ stuff.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: A lot more, see if they work. Well, one-one that, um, happened a couple weeks ago, right? You were talking about it. The, uh- "you can’t, you can’t have your cake and eat it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is that what it says?

Ricky: Well, I never understood that cause I thought well, what's the point of having your cake and not eating it, rather like your lap dancing analogy. But it actually means you can’t have eaten your cake and still have it there, obviously.

Steve: Yes, exactly.

Karl: Well, the-the time that I saw that same work, right? I was in, I was in ASDA with Suzanne.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And d’you know those big…binders you get with nice cakes in ‘em?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: For birthdays an’ that. You can get one with, like, David Beckham on the front of it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You can have one with, you know, Thomas the Tank Engine if you want.

Steve: Ricky Gervais.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You can have one of them. And I saw one of those comedy ones where it is, like, a big pair of breasts.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And that is when, you know, you can have your cake and eat tit.

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: No, but--

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: You see what I’m saying?

Ricky: Play a record. Play a record. I want to talk to you about it. About puns.

Karl: Just…

Song: Placebo - This Picture

It's Time I Went A-Wooing

Ricky: Plac-e-bo! “This Picture” with the androgynous vocal talents at the helm there of Brian Molko.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervias--

Steve: Informed!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Broadcasting.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Did you see- I think, I’m sure- I don’t know if Karl saw it. I know you watched it, Rick. The, uh- it was extraordinary. It was a Sky1 TV show the other night. It was something like, uh, um, “Reality TV something--”

Ricky: Oh, brilliant.

Steve: I don’t know what it was called. Yeah

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: And it was about, basically, what- the fortunes of various--

Ricky: I cannot get enough of it.

Steve: The fortunes of various reality TV stars, uh, since they’ve come out of the show. Christine Hamilton, coming out of the jungle. And, obviously, once again, always a pleasure to find out what Fats Waller is up to, Rik Waller. I mean, extraordinary--

Ricky: Oh, he’s joined a band now?

Steve: He’s got his own band. He was playing in some club in Rochester. There was about--

Ricky: It’s sort of gospel, sort of gospel rock. That sort of soul, gospel rock thing like something you’d see in the- in-in “The Commitments” or summat and, uh, and when he cut to the audience it was like it was in Butlins. It was just a big dance floor and there was just people, like, watching indifferently and he went, “The people that were here--”

Steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

Ricky: “Loved it.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: I mean, it’s a bit sad.

Steve: It’s tough to say.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: The size of the man. His leather jacket, Karl--

Ricky: I know.

Steve: Was extraordinary. I don’t know how many animals had to die to make- it was like, you know- it was unbelievable.

Ricky: It looked like- if he had fallen off it, it would have been like the Hindenburg.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Because--

Steve: It was like a zephyr.

Ricky: “Oh, the humanity!” As people were sick.

Steve: I still think- when I see him wearing a coat like that, it looks like he is stood on the shoulders of two other people.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it’s just a joke.

Ricky: Just a joke.

Steve: Just a circus act, or something.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause his head doesn’t make- it doesn’t make sense!

Ricky: Looks like one of those things that you steam yourself in.

Steve: (laughing) Exactly!

Ricky: You put your head like that and it’s--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Is that a machine you’re in?” “No, it’s a coat!”

Steve: One of those old fashioned iron lungs.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Um--

Ricky: That’s some magic moments.

Steve: But there was a great- cause once again, I mean, I missed a lot of, um, the-the first series of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: But it showed, once again, uh, the moment with Darren Day- Darren Day, a lovely guy, but that moment when he went off and sat on a rock--

Ricky: I- mm.

Steve: And came back and he’d written a song--

Ricky: I know.

Steve: Which he just- and I can’t- it was lots of things, it was lots of things like, (singing) “I’m in a hotel room in another town--”

Ricky: I know. Don’t- okay. Don’t--

Steve: And it was just- it was like something that you’d write when you were fourteen. It was unbelievable and they showed it again. It’s just stunning.

Ricky: I-I love songs you wrote when you're fourteen. It’s like your first, sort of, like, song that you could- you know three chords. And it’s always, it’s always stuff like, (singing) “There’s a man, he’s a lonely man. Take a look at him. He looks a bit like me!”

Steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

Ricky: “It is me.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: It’s that sort of thing, like, well, you want to play it for someone and then you want them to go, “My God, you’re deep.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “My God, you’re brilliant, aren’t you? And that’s about you, is it?” “Oh, yeah, it is, yeah.”

Steve: I-I have to say, this is such a terrible confession. When I was doing a school play once--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: When I was about that age, fifteen.

Ricky: Aw.

Steve: Right? There was a girl, uh, who was in the cast with me.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right? And she, sort of, you know, she was giving me the eye. I was thinking, “Yeah.” Well, I kinda thought she was, right? And--

Ricky: It was glass!

Ricky giggles

Steve: But there was another guy, there was another guy there as well that was sort of competing for her affections.

Ricky: Oh, no.

Steve: And, uh, he was quite a witty guy.

Ricky: His name was Scott Hanson and he had long blond hair!

Steve: Exactly, yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And, um, and I thought, well, the way to impress her- cause I was fifteen, or whatever. Thought I was pretty smart. I sat in one of the adjoining dressing rooms reading a copy of the, um, philosophical book “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” Which I didn’t understand, but which I sat there reading it in the hope that she would walk in, think, “My God. You’re reading ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.”

Ricky: “You don’t go with the crowd. You don’t want to come next door where we’re talking about nonsense--”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “And people are flirting.”

Steve: “We’re talking about The Bangles.”

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: “And Curly Wurlys.”

Ricky: “You’re in here, saying, ‘Look. Just- if you want to come and talk to me, you’re welcome, but I’m- I--’”

Steve: “I’m a thinker.”

Ricky: I bet you thought you were Kwai Chang Caine, didn’t you?

Steve: I-I thought it was like she’d think, “Jesus Christ, I’ve never, I’ve never met anyone like him.”

Ricky: That is genius.

Steve: And she- I remember the one time she accidentally walked in she went, “Oh! Oh, sorry. Wrong room.” and left again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And that was it!

Ricky: Sorry, at fifteen. So this is about the time you’d took to wearing a bow tie to impress people.

Steve: I was slightly younger, wearing a bow tie. Yeah.

Ricky: I love that.

Steve: Now I-I used to watch a lot of Harold Llyod films.

Ricky: (giggling) Oh, God.

Steve: And, uh, he always seemed to do very well.

Ricky: I love it. I love the idea of at fifteen you’re going, “Well, it’s time I went a-wooing. Right--”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: “Right--”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “On with the bow tie, where’s the ‘Zen’ and--”

Steve: “Where’s the pipe and my boater?”

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah! “It’s time I got me a beau.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I love that. But s-songs are great, as well. Have you ever- the other thing you do, sort of, when you’re about fifteen and sixteen is start writing songs about “that the world’s trying to take a piece of me.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Ey, you think I’m going down and I’m coming back! I’m against the ropes!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (singing) “They tried to drag me down!” He thought he wanted to be Cool Hand Luke.

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. (singing) “They put me in this emotional prison!”

Steve: (singing) “The man’s on my back.” Who?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Who, who--

Ricky: They! “They try and take a piece of me.” Who, who? Who do? “Well, you know.”

Steve: You’re fourteen!

Ricky: “Parents an’ that, don‘t they?”

Steve: You’re really comprehensive.

Ricky: “The teachers.” Yeah. I-I-I absolutely love it. I still remember a poem- I won’t say his name. We-we were about fourteen, fifteen and, uh, this- we had to write a poem and have to say everyone’s was, um, pretty rubbish. But we mercilessly took the piss out of this bloke because- I still remember the poem! And how he did it is he went through a dictionary and found things with that. And I- this is, this is a poem, right, okay, remember? I’ve remembered this for twenty-five years, right? “The reason why, the reason why, the reason why I had to die. Did I bleed the blood of greed? What was my destiny?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: And when we heard this we were laughing! I mean, for a year we would go, uh, “What was my destiny?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: It was just great.

Steve: Can I hear it again? I enjoyed that.

Ricky: “The reason why, the reason why, the reason why I had to die. Did I bleed the blood of greed? What was my destiny?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Ohh!

Steve: Oh, that’s almost as catchy as Monkey News.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, God! Oh! I’ve got some Monkey News for you. Let’s play a record and come back and I’ve got some great Monkey News for you, Karl.

Song: R.E.M. - Near Wild Heaven

A Lot Going On In Me Head

Steve: That’s from the R.E.M. album that people tend to forget about now because it was so, kind of, poppy and such a massive hit. “Out of Time,” but there are some good tunes on it. And there’s one of them, “Near Wild Heaven.”

Ricky: Excellent. On Xfm 104.9. Karl.

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: Watching a program yesterday…uh, and it was about these Japanese snow monkeys. And it was all about how animals learn things that aren’t exstinc-instinctive, particularly, sort of, primates because they see other people doing it and they start a culture. And they can pinpoint when these monkeys, when one monkey first went down and got in the hot water springs and stayed there cause it was hot. And the others copied him and now it’s a, it’s part of, almost, a culture. You know? The-the- it won’t be handed on. Cause it’s not instinctive, but has to be learned each time. And, uh, you know. And the-the- they grew as normal like other monkeys, right? But they-they’re really intelligent and, um, obviously, the reason they groom other people- other, other monkeys is cause they eat the mites. But the- also, the monkeys have learned they like being groomed. Okay? So they showed this one monkey. It went to a deer, okay? And it was grooming this deer to get its mite off it, right? But then it didn’t eat it. It held it in its hand. It went over to a monkey, put the mite on itself to show the monkey it had a mite and got a free grooming.

Steve: That’s extraordinary.

Ricky: That’s extraordinary!

Steve: That is extraordinary.

Ricky: Cause it gave up the food knowing that if it put one there, this monkey would look for mites on it--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And it would get a free grooming and it was, like, having a little massage. What do you think of that?

Karl: It’s not bad. I’ve got some better stuff coming up later.

Ricky: Ha!

Steve: On Monkey News? On the official Monkey News?

Ricky: Yeah. D-do you see, do you see what, do you see what mine, though- mine’s true.

Steve: And that’s an interesting and extraordinary--

Ricky: It actually happened. Social behaviour amongst primates. That- I saw it. I saw it. It was- you know.

Steve: Did it rob a bank, Rick, at any time?

Ricky: It didn’t rob a bank and it didn’t open a hairdressers.

Steve: Hmm, oh. See that’s--

Ricky: What’s--

Steve: That’s what you’re letting- that’s where you’re letting--

Ricky: I am! It’s not, it’s not quite good enough, is it, my Monkey News?

Karl: Well, I’ve got some--

Ricky: See the difference where I-I-I named the species, explained it slightly…told an interesting fact. As opposed to, “There’s this monkey, right? And, uh--”

Steve: Look at him looking at you!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He’s not interested, Rick.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Can I tell you now, can I try and describe for people the face that Karl has. I’ll tell you what it’s like. It’s like if you draw, um, some eyes, a nose and a mouth on a balloon--

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: And then inflate it to about half full. That’s what Karl’s face looks like.

Ricky laughs

Steve: That’s what his head looks like. It looks like a face you’ve drawn on a balloon. Very small, the rest of the head; huge.

Karl: It’s-it’s just like today. I’m a, I’m a bit tired, right?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: That’s one thing.

Ricky: Why are you a bit tired?

Karl: I just haven’t been sleeping. Right?

Ricky: Why not?

Karl: I don’t know. I’ve got a lot going on. In me head.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, if this is going to be like “The Simpsons,” if we could actually look in there, there would be two monkeys grooming now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh--

Karl: Plus, you’ve-you’ve been talking about, like, stuff that I can’t relate to an’ that, so I‘m--

Steve: What, writing poetry?

Ricky: Like what?

Steve: Reading books.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What--

Karl: An’ poetry an’ stuff. I never did any of that.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: What did you do?

Karl: I- well, at school they didn’t, they didn’t bother. They tried to get us to write more, right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: By, uh--

Ricky: Giving you a pen?

Karl: Well, they-they used to give us these school diaries.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Little-little red book. And it was a way that they kept an eye on what you were doing out of school hours.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right, so some kids would write down, you know--

Steve: “Stole a bike.”

Karl: Yeah--

Ricky: “Burnt a house down.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But when I was at school a-around that, sort of, twelve age, I-I didn’t get up to much. You have no money, there’s nowt you can do. So every night it was the same thing. I’d get home and you- I-I’d have to, I’d have to go to the shop, right? And get some potatoes and some bread.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: Every night. Right? And I kept taking this into school--

Ricky: Sorry, wh-what was it, Dublin in the seventeenth century?

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: What d’you mean, everyday you went to the shops and got potatoes and bread?

Steve laughs

Karl: That’s-that’s kind of what I had to get all the time.

Ricky: (laughing) Why? What did you have, chip sandwiches?

Steve chuckles

Karl: Yeah. And, uh--

Steve: So you went to the pl- yeah, you went there.

Karl: So I kept--

Steve: With your hoop and stick.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah!

Karl: I kept putting that in the diary, you know, every night saying, “Went-went to Hugh Fays.” That was the name of the shop.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What is it called!?

Karl: Hugh Fays.

Ricky: What is it, “Hugh,” or “you?”

Karl: Like H-u-g-h.

Ricky: H-u-g-h. Yeah. Oh, was that was his name?

Karl: Hugh Fays, right?

Steve: Right.

Karl: Used to go there. Get the potatoes an’--

Ricky: Bread.

Karl: Bread an’ that.

Steve: I love the fact someone who’s named the shop after themselves. “I’m not going to say what we sell. It’s named after me or nothing. Or I'm not opening.”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: "Mainly potatoes and bread!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “White sliced loaves, King Edwards.”

Karl: And the teacher used to always say, “Just write something different in there! Make something up!”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Cause, like, you know, Monday, Tuesday- all the way through to Friday, every night it was just, “Went to Hugh Fays. Got some--”

Ricky: (laughing) “I went to Hugh Fays!”

Steve: So you, sort of- you-you changed--

Ricky: Are you sure-sure it wasn’t an advert? Sure it wasn’t paying you to say, uh, “Get my name in the book!”

Steve: Ha, yeah.

Karl: The only, the only time that it changed and she said, “Oh, that’s-that’s made it a bit more interesting was when it was me birthday and I had to buy a cake.”

Steve: Potatoes and a cake?

Karl: And she said, “Oh, that’s good.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That was me thirteenth birthday. Me mam said, “Oh-” I got home from school. She said, “Oh, you’re thirteen today. Teenager. Big-big turnover. Go and get a cake.”

Steve: That’s your experience with writing?

Ricky: No. What- no.

Karl: Kind of, yeah.

Ricky: That’s your experience of your thirteenth birthday? “Oh, by the way, you’re thirteen today. Go and get a cake.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Brilliant. Big surprise?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Was it a big surprise?

Steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Was it- yeah. Yeah. That is brilliant. I love it.

Karl: That’s the only, sort of, writing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What, and they never asked you to write essays or stories, anything?

Ricky: Did you never write a story or a poem or a--

Karl: The stories I did earlier on were, you know, you made ‘em up, but it was that thing that I’d always end ‘em with--

Ricky chuckles

Karl: “And an alarm went off and it was all a dream.”

Steve: Every one of ‘em?

Karl: Yeah, yeah. But they didn’t, they didn’t- I mean, it was a bit of a--

Ricky: What story there?

Steve: “There was some potatoes and some bread, but I woke up and it was all a dream.”

Ricky: (laughs and mumbles) “Then I went to the shops and bought some potatoes and bread.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But did-did you ever do anything that- write about an adventure when you were a spaceman or you were in, you know, you were, uh, a cowboy or…no?

Karl: Well, all the teachers, like, had scams going on so, like--

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: In English, right? You’d go in there and the teacher would say, “Right, what we’re doing today is- got a load of brochures from Thompson, but they say, like, 1983 on the front so I’ve got a load of stickers here that say 1984. Let’s see how many you can do in half an hour.”

Ricky: You are joking?

Steve: Did you go to school with Oliver Twist?

Ricky: Sorry, you are joking?

Karl: I’m not. That’s what they did. So the teacher must’ve been getting, like, a freebie or something for helping them out.

Ricky: You- is this--

Karl: Honest-honestly. Yeah, that’s what--

Ricky: That is fantastic.

Karl: They were all, actually--

Ricky: They were all--

Steve: Other than Mr. Fagan, you had--

Ricky: Yeah. And then when they saw “Karate Kid,” they had to- they- every kid washing their car going, “Wax on, wax off!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Hurry up!”

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: “I’m teach- I’m teaching you summat. Wax on, wax off! Paint the fence!”

Karl: So I’m just saying, you know, that’s-that’s why I’m a bit quiet cause you’re talking about stuff I can’t--

Steve: Can’t relate to.

Ricky: And where- and why didn’t you sleep last night?

Karl: I’m just- I-I haven’t slept well for-for- since I was about twelve.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Do you sleep well, Steve?

Ricky: But wait, wait, wait! You can’t let that go! “I haven’t slept well since I was twelve.” What do you mean?

Karl: D’you know, d’you know, like, a proper…I used to love going to bed as, like, a kid.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Whereas now it’s like, “Oh, am I going to sleep tonight?” and I’m- I sort of wake up ‘bout four times.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Cause when you’re a kid, I remember really loving, like, going to bed. I’d- I--

Steve: Mm.

Karl: There was one time where…I actually laughed meself to sleep cause I couldn’t believe me luck.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: He’s- there’s something wrong with him! What do you mean you laughed yourself--

Karl: Have you ever had it when you’re, when you’re really tired and you get in bed and the pillows feels--

Ricky: Yeah, it’s so cold. Yeah.

Karl: And-and it’s like, “I can’t believe this.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And…I- it happened twice. Once when I just went to bed and was really looking forward to it and also when I-I helped me dad out once, like, through the night. He worked at, like, this paper company, alright? And, uh, I helped him out and I got in at about four in the morning with him. Got in bed. And I just was like- I had- I-I was laughing me head off. I had to put the pillow over me head. Cause I couldn’t believe me luck at like- I was like, “Oh, this is great, this. I‘m going to sleep.”

Steve: I-I just have to say, life up north is so extraordinary.

Ricky: No, but you must be the easiest kid in the world to please. No wonder she knew she’d just get a cake and, sort of, like, you- “Wh-what was he expecting for his birthday?” “He were expecting an extra hour in bed. But we got ‘im cake, as well.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I love that.

Steve: --Any sucker, brilliant!

Ricky: Brilliant, yeah. Your own bed. How long was it before you got your own- what did you used to do before, just some straw in the corner?

Karl: No, it’s just that-that thing of when you’re really tired and--

Steve: And do you ever do this with Suzanne now? Do you ever laugh yourself to sleep with her?

Karl sighs

Karl: No, that’s what I mean.

Steve: She can’t sleep cause you’re chuckling away.

Karl: I’m just- I-I don’t know what’s up with me. I’ve got a lot going on.

Ricky: What-what do you mean, you’ve got a lot going on?

Karl: I don’t know. I don’t know. I was talking to the security bloke before saying, “Do you sleep?”

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: “Have you got much going on in your head an‘ stuff an’…” I don’t know.

Ricky: They- he wasn’t insulted by that, I’m sure. Going up to someone and going, “Have you got a lot going on in your head?” That is brilliant.

Steve: It worries me. It’s interesting that, um, your lack of sleep coincides with the diaries and the, uh, writing of the bread and potato story everyday. I don’t know if once you had that responsibility--

Ricky: Why don’t you…every night go to Hugh Fays, get some bread and potatoes. You don’t have to eat ‘em. Then go to bed and I think you’ll be chuckling yourself to sleep in no time.

Steve laughs

Song: Radiohead - There There

What Have You Got For Us, Karl?

Ricky: Um, I’m stunned at Karl’s rudeness, okay? That is Badly Drawn Boy, by the way. “All Possibilities.” There’s a lovely chap, just calls in saying about- and Karl, because the record’s ended, he doesn’t say, “Oh, I’ve got to go, the record’s ended.” He went, “Yeah” and he put- so--

Karl: It’s because he’s still there. I haven’t cut him off!

Steve: Well, just check if he’s still there!

Ricky: He doesn’t want to be on radio! You said he didn’t want to be on the radio, but I think you should apologize.

Male Caller: I’m still here. Hello?

Karl: See?

Steve: Hello!

Karl: Alright.

Male Caller: I’m still here. I did ask not to be put live on radio, cause I get very embarrassed.

Steve: Don’t-don’t worry. All we want--

Male Caller: The thing is--

Steve: Is we just wanted to apologize for Karl’s curtness and his rudeness.

Male Caller: No. All I want to say is the station is good because you couldn’t have a worse slot on a Saturday afternoon, right? Because the youngsters are in the boozers, the older fellas are doing the punting and the racing, the football, and whatever. The thing is, the stat- you play- if you want, if you want to get number one--

Steve: This is Xfm, not Radio 2!

Male Caller: If you want to be, if you want to be the top, all you got to do is start playing “Natalia Imbreglia”, this, that and the other and have your audience with one pubic hair between four legs. Okay.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Thank you.

Karl: There you go.

Male Caller: Now, that’s why I don’t want to go live on radio. But you are- when-when Christian got a little bit sick about being thirteen, then he got the gold, whatever. I- you-you’re the soundest station in the area. You cover- I don’t like all the stuff you play, that the station plays. But you’re actually doing whats there.

Ricky: Thank you very much.

Male Caller: You keep going. You keep going. Persevere and-and you’ll ma- it’s well worth listening to, anyway. Okay?

Ricky: Thank you. Cheers.

Male Caller: Otherwise I wouldn't listen--

Steve: Can he hear us?

Ricky: Thank you! Bye!

Male Caller: Yeah sound mate, be careful, yeah? Have-- (call fades out)

Ricky quietly giggles

Steve: I mean, I can see why you cut him off.

Ricky: No, stop it!

Steve: Man alive!

Ricky: We’ve had so many calls. Karl was getting annoyed. There was so many calls and, uh, we’ve had suggestions from, uh, Ned saying talk about Jimmy Savile. Uh, John in North London, um…I’ve just got “John in North London.” What does he want us to talk about? Oh, I’ve forgotten. (laughing) Becca from Liverpool wants to talk about Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst. Art. Um, Paul Andrews, your mum called. Stop calling her, telling her to listen to Xfm. Yes, you, Paul Andrews, who’s about thirty-eight at home with your wife and kids. Your mum just called in. Um, uh, I think someone wanted amazing monkey facts. I can’t even do this right, can I?

Steve: I- to be honest with you, last week we were slagging off Karl as being the weak link in this show.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I think it’s clear what the weak link is.

Ricky: Um, oh, God. Who’s the bloke who wants to- Haley to go with him to “X-Men?” See, I shouldn’t make notes.

Steve: What’s wrong with you!?

Ricky laughs

Steve: If you didn’t spend so much time squeezing his head and eating pies, we might get something done!

Ricky: Right. Okay, then. What should we talk about, then? Um--

Steve: Right, play a record and we’ll discuss this.

Ricky: Tracey Emin! Sh- make your bed!

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Make your bed! Damien Hirst! Stop cutting up sharks an’ things. Um, Picasso….Alright?

Steve: Right, Rockbusters. What have you got for us, Karl?

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Right. Um, here we go, then. Three clues--

Steve: Digging us out, Rick.

Karl: Cryptic clues. Coupla initials. E-mail in. [email protected]. Win some stuff. Do you wanna go through the stuff?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You get them. I’ll read--

Steve: Definitely improving yourself as weeks go on. We’ve got, um, a-a see- a three CD set of “The Best of Inspiral Carpets.” How they’ve strung that over three CDs, I’ve no idea.

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Steve: Extraordinary. Uh, a number of other CDs, all of which are okay. Plus, um, a t-shirt and a copy of “Marion and Geoff” series one on DVD. Not bad at all. In an Xfm bag.

Ricky: Right, he’s noticed “X-Men 2” isn’t there cause it's not out yet, but it is at the cinema, so…I think Hayley should go with whatshisname or I--

Steve: Shut up!

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Right. Go on, Karl.

Karl: Right. The clues are- clue one. Um…that, uh…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Ooh, they’re having problems. They--

Ricky: Oh, this is--

Steve: Brilliant. Rockbusters. This is, this is what we tune in for.

Ricky: I know! I tell ya what, uh, I think Foxy was really soft on us. I think he- oh. Go on.

Steve: This is what we tune in for. Okay. So there’s--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Go on again.

Ricky: So go again.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky laughs

Steve: This is brilliant. Come on! This is like “Who Wants a Millionaire.”

Karl: Ah.

Steve: It’s class.

Ricky: C’mon Karl. Don’t worry about him. He doesn’t kn- he doesn’t understand radio, Karl. He-he-he-he- I heard his show before he had us. He was doing it. He sounded just like Dr. Fox.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uh, clue one. Uh…they're-they're having problems. The, uh--

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: They haven’t, they haven’t got any rice.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Say it again! And say it like it’s written down. Right. Say it like it’s, like, you’re reading it as opposed to making it up as you going along. I know you are, but say it again cause all the “ums” and “uhs-” people will think they’re integral.

Karl: They-they’re having problems.

Ricky: N-no, uh. Do it again.

Karl: They’re having problems. They haven’t got any rice left.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Different!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Different. A cryptic clue, every word has to matter. I love that.

Steve: And what’s the, what’s the initial?

Karl: C.C.

Steve: C.C. and the clue again…

Karl: They’re having a few problems an’ that.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Cause they haven’t got any rice left.

Ricky: Different every time!

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: Ahh. Go on. That’s number one.

Karl: Uh, second one. The Geordie fella doesn’t know what he’s been charged for.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ha!

Ricky: Oh! Okay and what’s the initials there?

Karl: B.W.

Ricky: Ohh.

Karl: The Geordie fella doesn’t know what he’s been charged for.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And the final one. Um---

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: If I had two bricks--

Ricky continues to quietly giggle

Karl: And I had to throw ‘em at two women, right?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Stop! Right. You’ve got to go through this without going, “Right?” Oh, I- just do it again! Just say again. Think what you’re going to say, then say it.

Karl: I had two bricks--

Ricky: Oh, no, it was “if I had” before!

Karl: Well. I’ve got--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Stop for a minute! Stop, cause I’m going to burst! Right, Karl. Work out what you’re going to say and say it! Right!

Steve: Okay, just calm.

Ricky: Okay. Calm down, right.

Steve: Can we just- everyone calm down.

Ricky: Okay, right.

Karl: I had two bricks to throw at two women and I didn’t hit either of ‘em.

Ricky: Alright! Okay.

Karl: The initials, M.M.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Karl: Right? So quickly again. Uh, we haven’t got any rice--

Ricky: Oh, I’ve got that! I’ve got that and it’s brilliant! That is a brilliant one.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Alright? They’ve run out of rice, they’ve got problems on their hands. C.C.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Alright? The second one; Geordie fella doesn’t know what he’s being charged for. Right? B. W. And I had two bricks to throw at two women. Didn’t hit any of ‘em. Alright?

Ricky laughs

Karl: That’s M.M.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: E-mail in. Ricky.gervais@xfm--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: Co.uk

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Win some stuff.

Steve: E-mail only. [email protected]

Ricky and Karl sigh

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities

If It 'appens It 'appens

Ricky: White Stripes. “Seven Nation Army” on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Karl. Um, are you thinking of starting a family?

Karl: Only if, like, an accident happens or something.

Steve: Yeah. Do- were you there, Rick, when, uh, we were chatting about this the other day?

Ricky: Oh, yeah. No--

Steve: What did you say, Karl?

Ricky: Well, we talking about his career an’ that because he’s on, um, MTV and I was going, “Oh, he’s got to do this now.” He’s going, “Look, if it 'appens, it 'appens. I said- I’ve said to Suzanne, ‘If it ‘appens, it ‘appens.’” She goes, “What are your plans?” “If it ‘appens- the same with babies.” She goes, “Will you have kids or not?” He goes, “Look, if it ‘appens, it ‘appens.” I go, “Well, how will it happen?” He goes, “If a condom splits.”

Steve: Amazing. I love the idea that that’s the way you plan for a child. Imagine telling them that. “When- where-where was I conceived?” “Can’t remember. The condom split.”

Ricky: Yeah. "You’re an accident."

Steve: I love that. The romantic nature of that is just--

Ricky: Although I was told I was an accident, but, you know--

Steve: Well, fair enough.

Ricky: Yeah, doesn’t matter.

Steve: That makes a lot sense.

Ricky: Yeah, but it doesn’t matter.

Karl: Do many people sit down, say, “Alright. Do you think we should?”

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: Well, it’s they lay down.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I’m busy.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You can’t play- you can’t sit down. You’re almost hung for that discussion.

Ricky: No, he doesn’t mean the conception. I think he means bringing up a child till it’s eighteen.

Karl: But the thing is, as well. It’s one of them, innit? It’s like…if you think about having one you go, “Well, the ne- the, sort of, negatives, you know, outweigh the positives.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I think. Right?

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: But if you have one you go, “Oh, it’s not that bad, is it?”

Steve: So what are the positives and what are the negatives?

Karl: Uhh… like I say, the negatives outweigh it. I can’t think of that many positives. They-they get in the way, don’t they?

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: Uh…

Ricky: Cost you a lot.

Karl: Costs a lot of money. Same with marriage! Like, Suzanne saying, “Will we get married?” Say, “Well, what for?”

Ricky: Well, marriage doesn’t cost anything.

Karl: Oh, it does.

Ricky: Well, no. Not if you go to the registry office and then--

Karl: But then--

Ricky: Buy a house.

Karl: But then what’s the point?

Ricky: Well, tax breaks, you know. Presents.

Karl: I don’t think you get them anymore.

Ricky: Don’t ya?

Karl: I looked into that.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: You are romantic!

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Well, I’d rather have a ring or a three percent saving.”

Steve: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, I love it. I love it. Well, I don’t- yeah. I don’t see the point, anyway, of that.

Steve: “I got down on one knee and presented her with some Inland Revenue forms.”

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: “Just to show the benefits.”

Ricky: That-that’s- that is great. I mean, if you are planning it, I think you’ve got to involve me and Steve and the radio station because it’ll be- I mean, you take quite a lot on, don’t ya?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: So if you’ve got a kid at home and you’re not, you’re not sleep- you haven’t slept since you were twelve. You’ve got this, you’ve got MTV, you’ve got a kid. You know, it might be one step too far cause I wouldn’t want- I-I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t want to push you over the edge.

Steve chuckles

Karl: Well--

Steve: Now, see. Go on, sorry.

Karl: No, I just was going to say I was talking to Suzanne last night about it an’ saying, uh, you know, uh, about earning money an’ that an’ she said, “Well, you’re already, sort of, earn a little bit more than me.”

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Saying, you know, “If you get loads of money,” she said, “I’d be happy staying at home an‘ doing nothing. Maybe lookin’ after a kid.” I said, “Ooh!” Said that’s not happening.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Ricky: Right.

Karl: I said, “I could have a load of money now, tucked away. I coulda won-won some money and I wouldn’t tell ya.” I still want, sort of, that check off her every month. Cause I get a check off her to, sort of, pay the bills.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: And I think you need to keep that in a relationship.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: D’ya know what I mean? Work as a team.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s not working as a team.

Karl: Course it is!

Ricky: Well, no. You share everything. Sharing everything is working as a team, whether--

Steve: Yeah, not you stashing some thir-thirty-five grand back.

Ricky: It’s not like you think that, “Oh no, I’ve, uh, I won the pools, but I give her half, she gets lazy.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “She just sit around the house doing nowt.” So she’s still got to go to work at a job she hates?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I tell ya, though. She-she thinks that it’d be the worst thing that could happen if we got a load of money. Cause she’d want to go to Egypt. I’d say, “I’m not going.”

Ricky: What happens if you want to go to Egypt?

Karl: I don’t! That’s what I said.

Ricky: No, why would she--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why does she want to go to Egypt, she wins a lot of money?

Karl: She said it’s-it’s meant to be pretty good.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So-so the incredible wonders of the pyramids and the Sphinx and so on. That’s not of any interest to you?

Karl: I’ve seen it, though, on the telly an’ that. I don’t, I don’t--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I don’t want to go all that way just to see it.

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly. That’s pretty--

Steve: Just your experience of other cultures, other lifestyles, travel broadens the mind?

Ricky: Well…you don’t…

Karl: Well, not really.

Ricky: Seen enough different ones here, haven’t ya?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: There-there‘s-there’s parts of, uh, Wivenhoe you haven’t seen yet.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah. Okay. Well, so-so the- your-your- you don’t want to make enough money. You don’t want to make a lot of money, cause you’re worried that Suzanne might want to go to Egypt.

Ricky: And that would be--

Karl: No, no, no.

Steve: And that’s going to tear you apart.

Karl: I don’t want to tell her that I’m making a lot of money. I can still tuck it away.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And what will you do with it? When-when--

Steve: But when is he- when are you going to spend it?

Ricky: When you turn up in a big, um, converted limo. Goes “Da da da da! Da da da da! Da dadla da!” “C’mon, we’re going to bingo.” “Where’d you get the car from?” “Never thee mind." Right? What- won’t she be suspicious?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: When you’ve got a pet chimp. You know what I mean?

Steve: What are you- I mean, yeah. What would you spend it on? Is there nothing that you want for?

Karl: No, I’ve never….No, there’s-there's nowt at the moment. Honestly, it’s-it’s, uh, I’m quite happy. D’you know what I mean? I don’t ask for much.

Steve: But you’re not happy! You’re always whinging and moaning!

Ricky: Always whinging. Always whinging.

Steve: Clearly there’s something wrong!

Ricky: What- if someone gave you- what- okay, right. Let’s-let’s be serious. We’re not talking about billions, right? But if someone gave you, uh, a cash injection, just a one-off cash payment of two hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Okay? What would you do with it? I mean, that’s too easy cause that should obviously be a house. That should be the best house you can find in London.

Karl: I’d probably want to go and see a tornado.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Right. That’s on your list. Okay.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: So- he’s so--

Steve: You know--

Ricky: In many ways he’s so sweet, but you d- I want to shake him.

Steve: Can I just point out to you, Karl? I don’t know if you know this, but if you get caught in a tornado you do not whisk off into the la- magical land of Oz.

Ricky: And land somewhere nice.

Steve: Yeah and crush a witch.

Ricky: Still in your rocking chair.

Steve: Yeah. It doesn’t happen. It’s quite dangerous. But you’d go and see a tornado, number one. Fair enough. Number two?

Ricky: Wha-wha-what brochure is that in? That one?

Karl: Um, Texas, innit?

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: Number two?

Karl: Uh…

Ricky: (laughing) Texas!

Steve: So, he’s got tornado, number one.

Ricky: What brochure is that in?

Steve: Number two--

Ricky: “Texas, innit?” It’s Kansas, I think. Mainly.

Steve: Well, can I just- I noticed someone’s emailed here a link for- can you believe your luck, Karl? Monkeys for sale. Now I don’t endorse this in any way, but here you are, here’s a monkey for sale here.

Ricky: Aw, that’s terrible.

Steve: Two thousand five hundred dollars. Um, it says, “Male. Very smart little guy.”

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: “Loves to play. Gives kisses.”

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: “Wears diapers and clothes.”

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: “Has been around lots of people and loves them. Healthy and loves to eat.”

Karl: It's dear though, innit?

Steve: Sounds like Ricky.

Ricky giggles

Karl: How much is that? Two--

Ricky: Well, it wasn’t Karl cause it says, “loves to be around people!”

Steve: Yeah. There’s a Gibbon there. A Gibbon for--

Karl: Too pricey, though. It’s like that, uh, Donal MacIntyre program he did. That Cheap as Chimps program.

Ricky: He didn’t do Cheap as Chimps!

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: He didn’t do a programme called “Cheap as Chimps!”

Karl: You’re saying that, but--

Ricky: But he didn’t!

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: There’s- at no point did Donal MacIntyre do a programme called “Che-” play a record a minute. Play a record.

Sweet Home Alabama- Lynyrd Skynyrd begins to play

Ricky: Oh. Crackin’ tune.

Steve: Now, if you’re down in Texas chasing your tornado, this’ll be on your stereo, surely.

Ricky: Surely if you’re in Alabama it would be in…

Steve: He- but he doesn’t want to go to Alabama, it’s Texas. That’s where the tornadoes are. Do you not listen to a word he says?

Ricky: It’s Kansas. It’s Kansas.

Song: Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama

Eating in the Bath

Steve: Lynyrd Skynyrd, of course. “Sweet Home Alabama.” Always worth a play, I think, maybe once a month.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve: Brilliant.

Steve: Uh, Karl, um, we were talking about having kids and stuff. I’ve always been quite thankful that Ricky’s never wanted to have kids because, um, I just think he would set the worse example for a child he possibly could do. Um, just in conversation the other day, just happened to mention that he’s taken to eating in the bath.

Ricky: Ye- well. Let me explain summat. Let me explain summat. Right? Um, I’ve got busy schedules, yeah?

Steve: Ha!

Ricky: I get up, right? I meet Steve at a certain time and I go, “Oh, I got to go at three-thirty today, Steve.” I’m working out at four. I work out four till five. I have to have summat to eat before I go out and often meet Johnny for a beer at six or summat or going somewhere, right? So, I thought, “Oh, God.” Um, if I come in and have a bath straight after, then I have summat to eat. I go, “Oh, I got-” Sometimes there’s chicken legs, right, and they’re greasy. So one day I though, “Hold on. I’ll go to the bath with the chicken legs. I’ll eat ‘em in the bath.” And it’s brilliant. I’m sitting in the bath. I eat the chicken leg, it’s really greasy. Right? I just throw it in the bin, go under the water, come up, I’m clean.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I’ve eaten, I’m clean. I get dressed. I go and meet Johnny. I’ve lined me stomach and the good thing about that is that when I come home after a few beers and, uh, I’ve eaten the chicken. I go, “Oh, is there any bread left?” I just wipe it ‘round the bath. I got a lovely bread and dripping sandwich. That’s not true, that bit. But I do--

Steve: Unbelievable.

Ricky: I do, I do eat in the bath. I mean, I-I- the second week of doing it, I was just eating in the bath. I was eating- I think I was eating chicken legs again. I’m eating in the bath. Jane walked past. Just looked in at me and she went, “Christ! Caligula.”

Steve: Well--

Ricky: Just me, a fat, Roman emperor eating--

Ricky laughs

Steve: Caligula, to be honest, is just too cool and impressive. You’re not Caligula. Old Man Steptoe.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: Have you seen the one where he’s in the bath eating the pickled onions?

Ricky: No.

Steve: He sat in the bath. He literally sat in the bath, eating some pickled onions. Some of them slip under the water. He fishes them out and puts them back in the jar.

Ricky: I’d never do that.

Steve: No. Well, you’d eat ‘em.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I’d throw it away!

Steve: You-you wouldn’t let food fall like that.

Ricky: But it’s so--

Steve: But it’s the fact it’s chicken, it’s big, greasy slabs of chicken--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re throwing the bones on the floor.

Ricky: No! I’m putting ‘em--

Steve: For the wolves to scavenge.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I’m putting ‘em in the- stop biting your nails, Karl! Not only can you hear it, it’s really rude!

Steve: I don’t know- I- well- Yeah! You’re criticizing him!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Criticizing him for biting his nails!

Ricky: Yeah, you don’t know where they’ve been!

Steve: You eat chicken in the bath and they go under the water and come up clean, whilst sat in some water swimming with grease.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And fat. And chicken bones.

Ricky: (laughing) I shower af--

Steve: And breadcrumbs.

Ricky: Well, I like to bath. I like to bath, like, two or three times a day.

Steve: But do you see why that’s not…cool and impressive? It’s not like we’re all going to go, “Why haven’t we all thought of that?”

Ricky laughs

Karl: To be honest, though, Steve, that is the only time I eat oranges.

Ricky: I know what you mean! Yeah, yeah. That is- tha-that’s- I-I’ve always thought that. “An orange, oh, God. This is too annoying.” And I don’t bother. I don’t bother eating oranges--

Steve: But--

Ricky: Unless they’re tangerines. You can peel ’em in one and put ‘em in in one.

Steve: It--

Ricky: I do not- I don’t have big Jaffas. There’s just not- it’s not worth it.

Steve: What is wrong with you? You're- firstly, have you ever thought about cutting an orange into four quarters with a knife?

Karl: Ughh.

Ricky: Waste.

Steve: What do you mean, “a waste?”

Karl: More washing up.

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve: Yeah, right. So-so this is what you- this is why you can’t sleep at night cause you’re thinking, “I’ve got to run a bath and have an orange. I haven’t got time! I’d have an orange now, eat the Vitamin C, but I got to run a bath for it, at least have a shower!”

Ricky laughs and snorts

Steve: “Am I going to be in there with another man?”

Ricky: Ohhh! Oh, dear.

Steve: It’s, like, you- the two of you are just- y-you are like children. You’re infants! Your mentality is ludicrous. And you’re embarrassing us in front of our special guests.

Ricky: Oh, yeah! Uh--

Steve: I can’t believe it. Now, of course, last week--

Ricky: Girls from t.A.T.u. are here.

Steve: We’ve had a number of letters, Rick. I’m just reading them now.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Say, “Last week, loved your interview with Chris Martin from Coldplay.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Genious.” ‘Nother one here. “Great insight into the man who wrote ‘Yellow’ and ‘Clocks.’”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Fascinating.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Steve Merchant’s interview with, uh, Chris Martin was amazing. He should have his own TV show.”

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Just some of the letters we received, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Steve: So this week, we’re very lucky to have with us, uh, Russian pop act t.A.T.u. Round of applause for them.

Clapping

Steve: Lovely to have them here. Uh, t.A.T.u., now then--

Ricky: “Da.”

Steve: Of course, there’s been much contro- been much controversy that your, kind of, lesbian shtick--

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Is just something to try and whip up some press attention.

Ricky: “Nyet, nyet.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: (bad Russian accent) “We are proper lesbians. We- ah. We love fanny more than cock.”

Steve: (chuckling) Okay. Brilliant. And, uh, t.A.T.u., lovely to have you here.

Ricky: “Yeah, yeah.”

Steve: Uh, thanks for coming.

Ricky: “Yeah.”

Steve: Um, now then. Uh, you’ve got, uh, you’ve got--

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve: Some live gigs, I understand, planned?

Ricky: “Yeah. Da.”

Steve: Okay. I can’t help but notice that you sound, dare I say it, t.A.T.u. You don’t sound so much Russian, as German.

Ricky: “No- nyet. We cannot do the accent properly.”

Steve: Okay. And, uh, t.A.T.u., it’s a joy to have you here. Thanks for coming down.

Ricky: “Nyet. Oh. Da. Mm. Thank you.”

Steve: And finally, uh, you are lesbians. Could- would, for instance, either myself or Karl be able to convert you--

Ricky: “Nyet, nyet, nyet, nyet. We like the muffs so much that de knob is no good for us.”

Steve: Alright. Well, thanks very much t.A.T.u.

Ricky: Yeah, thanks, t.A.T.u.! Thanks very much!

Ricky claps

Ricky: Cheers.

Steve: Yeah, uh, extraordinary.

Ricky: Next week; Cher!

Steve: Brilliant! So if you’ve got any guests, special guests, you’d love us to interview, uh, then, let us know. Ricky.Gervais--

Ricky: (laughing) Look at Karl’s face!

Steve: .co.uk

Ricky: (laughing) Look at Karl’s face!

Steve: And we’ll try and get them in.

Ricky: Oh, dear! Play a record, Karl.

Steve: Rockbusters answers next!

Karl: I was going to say. Well, do you want to do that?

Steve: No, let’s do it next. After-after the record!

Karl: Just was going to say something.

Ricky laughs

Martina Topley Bird- Need One begins

Steve: What were you going to say?

Karl: About gays an’ that.

Ricky: What!?

Karl: In a bit.

Ricky: What were you going to say?

Steve: We’ll look forward to that!

Ricky laughs

Song: Martina Topley-Bird - Need One

Are You Comfortable Being Nude?

Ricky: Martina Topley Bird. “Need One” on Xfm 104.9. Right, there goes the girls from t.A.T.u. See you later! Well done.

Steve: Thanks girls.

Ricky: Cheers. Right--

Steve: Lovely coupla lesbians, there.

Ricky: Karl. Um, what were you saying before we cut you off?

Karl: Um, yeah, it’s just that, y-you know, you had the girls in an’ that and it reminded me- I was talking to--

Ricky stifles a laugh

Karl: Steve in the week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Um. I-I think, I think it’s, uh, when people were talking about going to Stringfellows an’ that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I was talking about seeing…naked people.

Steve: Ah! No, I- yes, I asked him, I said when he used to watch, uh, say he accidentally flipped on the BBC Two and some ballet was on, would his eye ever been drawn to maybe the gentleman’s lower region rather than the lady’s?

Ricky: (laughing) The gentleman’s package?

Steve: Yeah. Would-would your eyes ever be accidentally drawn to that and you couldn’t resist it? And you said, and you said yes!

Karl: Yeah! Because, right?

Ricky: Oh! Dear!

Karl: I don’t think I’m, uh--

Ricky: Oh, dear!

Steve: Oh, go on. I mean, fair enough.

Karl: Alright.

Steve: I’m always looking at the beautiful ladies, but fair enough.

Karl: Yeah!

Steve: No, go on!

Karl: But…right?

Ricky: Have you ever looked at Wayne Sleep’s testicles?

Karl: When I went out--

Ricky: Have you ever looked at Wayne Sleep’s, uh, penis and testicles?

Karl: I went out on a night out, right? And it was some, uh…it got to some point in the night where two women--

Steve: Mm.

Karl: And two fellas got on the stage.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right? Uh, started stripping off.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah. Just, what, members of the audience?

Karl: No, no. I think they were, like, part of the act. Right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And, uh--

Steve: What was this, panto?

Karl: They’re down the, you know, the fellas were, like- had their undies on. And the, and the girls just had their knickers on.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: You--

Karl: And, uh--

Ricky: So that’s pretty erotic at the moment. Go on.

Karl: And, at the same time, they all whipped their pants off.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Yeah. It’s Bucks Fizz, wasn’t it? The-the--

Steve chuckles

Ricky: The adult show.

Karl: Now I said to Steve, “At that point--”

Steve: Sorry, I wasn’t there. He said this to me later.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah!

Karl: I said, “Will you, will you have a quick glance at the fellas?” And then the annoying thing was you, sort of- I thought, “Right. Now I’ll have a look at the women” and it was too late. They put their knickers on.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: How long were you looking at the fellas?

Karl: Not that long, but--

Steve: But why were you looking at them first?

Karl: It’s human nature, innit?

Steve: Why?

Karl: I don’t know! But I’m sure you woulda done the same thing. You just, you just--

Steve: Why?

Karl: Sort of think, “Well, how-how are they shaping up?”

Ricky laughs

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: So what was, what was the- who had the biggest knob? Who had the bi- which one of the blokes had the biggest knob?

Karl: No, th-they- it’s like, you know, normal.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: But I-I--

Karl sighs

Karl: That’s-that’s all.

Ricky: This is a whole new side of you.

Steve: This is a whole ‘nother area!

Ricky: So you look at ballet dancers, you look at the gentleman’s--

Karl: No, I don’t--

Ricky: Package.

Karl: I just was- when he said this, it reminded me of this night when I was walking home thinking, “Oh!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: “Oh!”

Karl: “Didn’t-didn’t get a look.” Cause I was messing about--

Steve: Where was this!? What-what event was this where people are stripping off!?

Ricky: Karl, I tell ya what. You are the most interesting man I have ever met.

Karl: But are you comfortable being nude an’ that?

Ricky: We’ve done this! I don’t know what this is. We did this last week about are you comfortable being nude. I think--

Karl: No, I know. I was talking about that.

Ricky: You’re probably most comfortable being nude. It’s just probably not in public.

Steve: Mm. Well, Ricky’s only really comfortable nude when he’s eating!

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah! Yeah. There’s nothing to get, you know--

Steve: Yeah, you can just wipe yourself down.

Ricky: Yeah and just sit in the bath, yeah.

Karl: No, but I talked about that and then when I went, when I went home, I was talking to Suzanne about it and she said, “What’s all that about? You’re not- you don’t like being nude?” Right?

Ricky laughs

Karl: And I said, “Well, it’s-it’s not--”

Ricky: It’s like I’m part of an Alan Bennett play. It’s just- I love the way you talk!

Karl: ‘Member once, right, St- I don’t know if I should talk about this, really. But--

Steve: Well, that means you should, so go on.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uh…oh, yeah. Right, we went to, um, went to Tenerife, right, one year. And I was still living in Manchester--

Ricky: I’m scared now.

Steve: Yeah, I’m a bit worried he said that.

Ricky: I’m actually scared.

Karl: No, I’m just- I’m-I’m thinking about Suzanne, but-but she’s working. It doesn’t matter.

Ricky: Well, I-I don’t want to know about--

Steve: Shhh!

Ricky: Suzanne, to be honest. If it’s--

Steve: Come on. No, but-

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: It involves me more.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Let’s hear the story.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I’m just explaining to you that I don’t like being nude.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: So you’re in Tenerife.

Karl: In Tenerife, right? Didn’t have much money. Stayed in this apartment that wasn’t-wasn’t that nice, right? Had cockroaches in it an’ stuff, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uh, didn’t have much money to go out at night. Uh…so we’re in this, sort of, death trap of a, of an apartment, right?

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Anyway. It’s when I was younger. Right? Had a bit more energy. So--

Ricky: (laughing) Sounds like he’s eighteen!

Steve: He’s thirty!

Ricky: I know!

Karl: So, you know, start ‘aving it away a bit.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It’s a joy!

Steve: Beautiful. So, yeah.

Ricky: It’s- go on. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s the way- I love it! Go on.

Karl: Alright? So, you know, doing what I do. Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Someone starts banging on the door. So I see--

Steve: Everyone’s at it!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right, so you mean knocking on the door. Right, okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Knocking on the door, right? So Suzanne says, “You better get it!” So I said, “I can’t get it now, can I? I have to wait a bit.”

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: I can’t, I can’t answer the door.

Ricky: It’s just too--

Steve: Go on!

Karl: So the banging’s getting louder.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Someone at the door.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And she’s like, “Oh, hurry up! It must be important.” I’m like, “In a minute! Just--”

Steve: Ha!

Karl: So anyway.

Steve: (laughing) “In a minute!”

Ricky: I don’t want to know anymore!

Karl: I stick--

Steve: Keep going.

Karl: On with it?

Ricky and Steve: No!

Steve: C’mon! Finish the story.

Karl: Open the door. It’s a fireman. So I just stick me head ‘round and he’s going, “You’ll have to get out. The-the building’s on fire.” Right? So I’m like, “In a minute!”

Ricky: Sorry. You weren’t still having sex at this point?

Karl: No, no, but, you know--

Ricky: But--

Karl: Still, sort of, gotta wait a minute or I can’t get me pants on.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh, Karl! I wish I had- I’m so sorry.

Steve: Right, go on.

Ricky: To the listener.

Steve: So, the-the- now the place is burning down.

Karl: So the-the- it could be a serious, big fire going on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I’m, sort of, waiting. You can hear people, sort of, screaming an’ that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Panicking.

Steve: Is that cause the door’s open and you’re nude?

Karl: Fire- the fireman’s saying, “Will you get out? Will you get out?” I’m saying, “In a minute.”

Steve: Right.

Karl: And Suzanne was saying, you know, “Think of something that’s not sexy.”

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So I was thinking of people, you know- thinking maybe dying in a fire might, sort of, calm me down.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Then the fireman said, “We need a big pole.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sure, go on.

Karl: But what I’m saying is that, to me- I wouldn’t have…wanted to go out and be safe…over, d’you know what I mean? Over being naked. I don’t like walking about with nowt on. So what I’m saying is--

Ricky: (laughing) I love--

Karl: That fire--

Ricky: I love the idea of everyone huddled and there with the fireman. It just- the camera pans along and there’s Karl.

Steve: Yeah, a typical news report.

Ricky: Naked. With still--

Karl: But would--

Ricky: Standing in the crowd.

Karl: Would you have gone out with nowt on?

Steve: But why do I have to go out with nowt on? I just grab a pair of jeans.

Karl: Alright, but you’re just, you know…

Ricky: What?

Steve: There’s a fire, Karl!

Karl: Yeah, but--

Ricky: See, not everyone looks at men’s packets. That’s only you, remember. Most of the other firemen wouldn’t be going, “Ooh! Look at him! He’s--”

Steve: But I’m interested is--

Ricky: “He’s pleased to see us.”

Steve: Karl, how long did it take and did the thought of dying in a fire help?

Karl: After a bit, but the fireman, sort of, had a go at me.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Karl: Well, they- he wasn’t happy that I was dawdling.

Ricky: Well, to be fair.

Karl: But what can you do!?

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve: Answers on a postcard!

Ricky laughs

Steve: To the usual address. Xfm, care of Leicester Square.

Ricky: Play a record!

Karl: Well, let’s just get these Rockbuster--

Ricky: No!

Steve: Let’s play a record and let’s have Rockbusters and Monkey News--

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: A-afterwards.

Ricky: We don’t have time for Monkey News!

Steve: We’ll squeeze them in.

Karl: Wellll.

Ricky laughs

Song: David Bowie - Life on Mars

A Monkey Called Marty

Ricky: “Life on Mars” by David Bowie on Xfm. Right, come on. (snapping fingers) We’re running out of time. Blockbusters. The results--

Steve: Rockbusters.

Ricky: In- sorry. Oh, what a giveaway.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Oh, no! How embarrassing. I’ve given it away.

Steve: (laughing) Yes.

Ricky: Straight into Monkey News. Go on, then.

Steve: So, uh, yeah, Rockbusters. What were the clues?

Karl: Right, the clues were, uh- the first one was, uh, they’re-they’re running out of rice, so… they’ve got problems. That was C.C. That was China Crisis. Right?

Steve: Okay, yeah. If they ran out of rice in China it would be a crisis. Fair enough.

Karl: Second one, the, uh, the Geordie fella doesn’t know what he’s being charged for. Right? That was Bill Wyman.

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And the, uh, the third one- I had two bricks to throw at two women and I didn’t hit either of ‘em. That was Mister Mister.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Mister Mister.

Ricky: I’ll let him off. Those were alright, those.

Steve: That’s extraordinary. The winner, uh, Jeanna. I think, Jeanna Fairy. Well done, Jeanna. And, uh, the reason I gave it to Jeanna is cause she’s included, and this is a wonderful segue, some monkey fact information of hers- of her own. She says, apparently, that the group Chumbawamba got their name from one of those monkeys in a room with they typewriter experiments. Someone did it as a joke and “Chumbawamba” was a word that was typed out and that’s the group- that’s where the group got their name.

Ricky: And their lyrics.

Steve: (laughing) Absolutely, yeah! So, um--

Ricky: Which is, which is good.

Steve: Let’s have official Monkey News. Play the jingle.

Ricky: Ooh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News!

Karl: Alright, we’ve got to be quick.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right, this is something that was sent into me ages ago and I don’t know why I hadn’t done it yet cause it’s brilliant.

Ricky stifles a laugh

Karl: Uh, we were talking about monkeys typing.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: Um, the Shakespeare theory an’ all that.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: Well, this is about, uh, little monkey called Marty. Right?

Ricky sighs

Karl: Basically, it’s in some science lab, right? It's in there. Uh, it was wandering about, out of it’s cage. Right? The lab fella was busy on the phone or something.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? And, um--

Ricky: Oh. Typical.

Karl: Wandering about, goes up to, uh, a PC that’s in the corner, little computer. Types down, “My name is Marty.” Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So the fella got off the phone, saw this on the screen with the monkey sat there. Says to his mate, “Have you done this?”

Ricky: Right, hold on. Karl, right.

Steve: Let him finish!

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Before you question, always let him finish!

Ricky: Oh, Christ. I don’t know what to do.

Steve: Time’s against us. Come on!

Ricky: I don’t know what to do.

Karl: He said, uh, he said, “Have you done this?” He says, “Done what?” He said, “This on the-the screen here saying, ‘My name’s Marty.’” Right? He goes, “What’re you talking about?” As he’s having an argument with his mate, saying, “You’re lying. You did it.” Monkey’s sat there, typing, “This isn’t a practical joke. My name is Marty.”

Steve: Right and that’s the end of the story?

Ricky: (away from microphone) I-I-I’m not coming in next week.

Karl: Uh…I think it’s--

Ricky: I think we need a week off. I actually think we need a week off.

Karl: It’s doing a, uh, a web chat or something at- it- you can go online and have a chat-chat with it.

Steve: The monkey’s doing a web chat?

Ricky: I don’t know--

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, Karl--

Steve: Has he got his own website yet? His favourite “Buffy the Vampire Slayer--”

Karl: Have a look at that. Have a look at that.

Ricky: Right. Do you believe that, Karl?

Karl: S’all there.

Ricky: No, but do you believe it? Do you believe that monkey could type that and then say, “This is not a practical joke” when he saw ‘em arguing?

Karl: Weird, innit?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: What do you reckon, Steve?

Steve: Yeah, well it’s obviously a wind up.

Ricky: It’s a joke! It’s not even- you haven’t even got some of the facts wrong. It’s just a wind up.

Steve: Have you noticed the date?

Ricky: Is it April the first?

Steve: It is April the first.

Ricky: You are joking?

Steve: That it was sent.

Ricky: You’re an idiot, Karl.

Steve: It was sent on April the first, Karl.

Karl: So you’re saying the monkey knows it‘s April the first, but you don’t believe--

Steve: And he’s doing a wind up, yes! Yeah, I think the, I think the monkey, he has thought, “I’ll do it on April the first so that people think that it’s a wind up, but in actual fact I am a monkey that can type and read.”

Silence

Steve: It’s a shame you never went into investigative journalism. You could have brought down, you know--

Ricky: Ohh!

Steve: The Watergate scandal.

Ricky: Poor Karl. Poor Karl. Well, I was thinking of a song that sums us three up. Yeah? What are we? What are we? What do you think- how would you sum us up?

Steve: Um, tricky.

Ricky: Well, “Young, Gifted and Black.”

Steve: True enough!

Ricky: Apart from, apart from a couple of ‘em.

Silence

Steve: Yeah. Well, we’re not gifted.

Ricky: No.

Steve: And we’re not very young.

Ricky: No, I’m certainly not.

Steve: Shall we take a week off?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Should we maybe just not go on air altogether?

Ricky: We’ll take a week off and see what happens.

Steve: Okay. See you next- no, not- let’s not see you next week.

Ricky: See ya in a coupla weeks.

Steve: Yeah. Cheers, then, Karl.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Alright?

Song: Bob and Marcia - Young, Gifted and Black