Tape 3 Side A/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 3 Side A, from Xfm Series 0.

Of Course She’s Not Dead!

Ricky's mum: I would like to apologise for my son's behaviour. He is a filthy little f*cker who's been a w*nker most of his life and treats me like a c*nt.

Steve: So, uh, Doris Stokes right,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is dressed like a dominatrix,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And she's dripping hot wax,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Onto the naked torso of Arthur Mullard.

Ricky: Yeah, of course she is.

Steve: Right, and um, he in turn is being pleasured, right, by Dusty Springfield.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Ohhh ex- Dusty Springfield's not dead.

Steve: ...what?

Ricky: You twat. Dusty Springfield's not dead.

Steve: Yes she is.

Ricky: No she isn't!

Steve: She is!

Ricky: Of course she's not you-you of...

Ricky slams his hand down

Steve: She's dead! Of course she's-

Ricky: Of course she's not dead!

Steve: Who am I thinking of?

Ricky: I don't know! Dusty Springfield's alive and well!...and playing with Arthur Mullard's- No she's not dead!

Steve: Oh God...

Ricky: Well, excellent.

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: It was going so well, wasn't it?

Steve: Oh...

Steve chuckles

Ricky: ...I like the bit up 'till then though.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I like the idea of her and Mullard.

Steve: Well that's all true.

Ricky: In a farm. We can't do that anyway, still- we can't do that on the radio, talking about that sort of thing.

Steve: Well let's - I think we should forget this now-

Ricky: I'll tell you what though. If we're gonna' pick on a dead person,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Why pick Doris Stokes??

Steve: (laughing) I don't know.

Ricky: The one dead person you don't pick!

Steve: I know!...I know. God.

Ricky: I'll have to convince her she's dead.

Steve: But even in real life she'd harness the powers of the dark side, so we wouldn't really want her-

Ricky: (chuckling) I know...she liked the dark side...

Steve: Getting on our backs.

Ricky: ...that was her favourite...she's getting on our backs? Don't get me started on that.

Steve: Oh, goodness me, it's just nothing but innuendo and libel.

Ricky: Dusty Spring-, I don't believe it...

Steve: It's libel, play a record, Gervais.

Ricky: We're in trouble now.

Steve: We're in trouble.

Ricky: Oh, God. You should have picked someone like Cilla who is dead.

FAKE ADVERT- MUFF SHANDY- EARPLUGS ARE GAY

You Twat

Ricky: And the bloke with the um, the gimp mask and the umbrella said "Doris, I'm- even I'm not doin' that" and he left.

Steve: Gervais, we're leaving it. We're leaving it now.

Ricky: Go on. Sorry.

Steve: Um. I was talkin' to my parents on the phone the other day, and uh, I started swearing. And I've never done this before and it's a terrible thing cos it's- I've crossed this barrier now, I've crossed this line.

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Which I, previously, for 23 odd years, I've managed to sort of stay the right side of.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'm talking to my mum and she mentions to me that I'm gonna' lose a lot of money, I don't want to go into it but I'm gonna' lose a lot of money, and um, she told me how much, it was 5 thousand pounds or something and I went "effing hell". Obviously I said the real thing, effing hell.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She just stopped. She just went, "...Pardon Me?"

Ricky tries to suppress a laugh

Steve: And I thought "what've I done?" I thought "I can't explain myself cos she didn- she didn't know, that I knew those words. So I just said "uh, well, uh, phhh, that's a lot of money."

Ricky: That got you out of it.

Steve: That got me out of it.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yea-yeah.

Steve: But you know what I mean? Crossing that step.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's quite a terrible thing, it's like I- well I look forward to the day when I can bring a girl home and say "look, I do know about sex and-;

Ricky giggles

Steve: ...twat.

Ricky: No, you can't

Steve: But um, when I was a kid and I first went to senior school I started to learn all these swear words that I didn't know-;

Ricky: Of course you can say the word twat.

Steve: Right. I-;

Ricky: You're not meant to.

Steve: I-I started learning all these swear words and I went home and started using the word "twat". I just thought it was a slightly stronger version of "twit".

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: I-it's a bit tougher for some reason.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so I used to go around saying that and I'd go home, my sister would say "Stop ruining my lego" and I'd go "You twat."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And um, "Make your bad Steve!" "No you twat", I'd say to my mum right. And, I didn't realize what it meant.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And my dad. Right. He didn't really know much about swear words so he started using it as well. He started going "Ah, you twat Steve".

Ricky giggles

Steve: "Do you wanna clean the bath?" "No you twat" and we'd just start using it all the time, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Then, at school, Mark Johnson told me what it mean-meant, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Obviously I'm stunned. I can't go around calling my mum a twat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I didn't- I just stopped using it.

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Like that. Just stopped using it. But, I didn't have the guts to tell my dad what it meant,

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: So he carries on using it, and to this day, we were driving along, he'll say um, to my mum "Elaine! Watch where you're going ya twat, ya great big twat!"

Ricky laughs

Steve: And, I just want to say to him, "Dad, don't say that to my mum" cos she knows. Oh, she knows what it means.

Ricky: Oh no, really.

Steve: And she's not, she's not gonna' say to him,

Ricky: Oh, God.

Steve: "Ron, would you stop saying that word cos..."

Ricky: Yeah... same thing happened to me. My dad still says "felch".

Steve: Does he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Aww. Felching. Talking of that, right. It's Doris Stokes,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She's got this huge -;

Ricky: Four sailors.

Steve: Four Sailors.

Ricky: And a big bucket, and like a weight.

Make Ricky Gervais Laugh

Ricky: Well that's it, Steve.

Steve: Is it?

Ricky: It's the news now, then we're out of here.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well we've had a few laughs, few tears.

Ricky: Yeah alright, don't go on about it.

Ricky: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Gervais, I've just thought of a great game, alright?

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Emma who helps us out here, she's just brought in a couple of beers for us,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright? And I know you have-

Ricky: We're gonna drink them after the show because I do not drive the desk and drink.

Steve: (laughing) Absolutely.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway- don't pick it up, don't pick it up!

Ricky: Okay, right.

Steve: Because the thing is, there's a picture, alright,

Ricky: Right.

Steve: On the bottle,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Which, I don't think you've seen it yet, have you?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Right, and I guarantee if I turn this bottle round, you're gonna start-

Ricky: This is- again, this is good radio isn't it?

Steve: You're gonna start laughing when you see this picture.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Now before I turn it round,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Hopefully you will laugh spontaneously.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, it's a new competition, alright, you can fax us in pictures, you can send pictures in the post, alright,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Any picture which I can then during the show hold up,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: And show to Gervais, if he laughs spontaneously, you'll win a gift, you'll win a prize. That's a great competition!

Ricky: It is, innit? And great radio.

Steve: And great radio.

Ricky: Cos they'll be laughing at the picture at home, won't they?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: They'll be going, "No wonder he laughed, look at that!"

Steve: ...Well alright, there's simple things like that which... which don't work but the point is-

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

Steve: I- The point is, right, anyway this-

Ricky: You'll still try it, okay.

Steve: Just- I wan-

Ricky: Let's test it, he's gonna turn this little chubby of pint of beer round whatever it is.

Steve: Just calm yourself, alright.

Ricky: Okay. Alright.

Steve: Don't want you to-

Ricky: Hurry up, I wanna drink it.

Steve: You ready?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (shows Ricky the beer)

Ricky: (cackles raucously)

Steve: Alright, play a record Gervais.

Ricky: Oh God! (continues laughing)

Song: Blur - Tracy Jacks

Banks Statement

Ricky: Blur and Tracy Jacks from 1965 there.

Steve: Hahey!

Ricky: Cheeky little monkeys.

Steve: Well I think we've established ourselves there now Gervais as-

Ricky: As radio gods.

Steve: As radio gods.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We've come up with possibly the most enjoyable radio game in the history of all things. Basically what we want you to do is send in pictures, drawings-

Ricky: Is it as good as this?

Steve: Gervais, put it away.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: We want drawings, pictures, photographs okay, and what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna show them to Gervais,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Midway through the show, you'll never know when, they might just suddenly *click* pop up and we'll see if Gervais laughs hysterically and if he does, you win a prize, I guarantee it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It could be that you'll win a couple of Pulp tickets if we've got them to give away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It might be that you win a crate of beer, anything.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Whatever we've got to hand, you'll win it if you can make Gervais laugh simply be me showing him a picture, the address is XFM 97 Charlotte Street,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: London W1P 1LB, alright? And you can fax us of course, 01715801234.

Ricky: I must warn them that I really have been desensitised now because I sit opposite you.

Steve: Well exactly-

Ricky: D'you know what I mean, do you know... how hideous and like, ridiculous they've gotta be to make me laugh?

Steve: The pictures have gotta be pretty odd.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the address, XFM 97 Charlotte Street, London W1P 1LB.

Ricky: Apart from bad lyrics as well, I like it when popstars and marketing managers of record companies try and get clever with their um, you know, titles for albums and stuff, remember Wet Wet Wet's Popped In, Sold Out?

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: Ohh, lovely.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: And you know Tony Banks out of Genesis, he did this solo project and what he had right, was the album there, and he had "Banks" across the top, right, and using the "S" to start the next word coming down was "Statement".

Steve: Clever.

Both: "Banks' Statement"

Ricky: Ohh, I was watching uh, telly this-

Steve: Tony Banks, is he not the sports minister?

Ricky: ...Ohh I dunno, he was in Genesis wasn't he, he was younger though, wasn't he?

Steve: I don't know.

Ricky: I think so.

Steve: I don't know how it works.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Well cos Phil Collins is minister of um... shite.

Ricky: (sniggers) Right. When I'm out, when I'm alone, and Jane's out, I sort of channel surf, I never watch a program I sit down to it and I think "two minutes."

Steve: You've shocked me.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. And I was just sort of going through and I was going back and forth between The Waltons and like The Box.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: "Music television you control".

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: MTV.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: VH1- ooh... and I got a glimpse of Toyah Willcox which I stopped, obviously.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And she was on one of these religious programs, I think it was on BBC Two, I dunno what it was but it was with that bloke... ohh God, I can't tell this anecdote. I- I can't stand it if I don't know the name. He's sort of like a Jeremy Paxman type... thing. You know, he went to university, he was gonna be a serious journalist, he wanted to be Kate Adie but he settled for... Les Dennis. Ohh... one of those sort of people that was on That's Life. No, I'm not telling it until someone phones in, Toyah Willcox was on a religious program, what's that blokes name, then I'll tell it. 01715802000.

Steve: ...Gervais, have you ever watched an entire documentary all the way through?

Ricky: (laughs)

Song: New Order -

Unconscious Thought

Ricky: You like that one, don't you?

Steve: Beautiful, great track.

Ricky: You love the- now, New Order's your favourite band of all time, innit?

Steve: Yes, that's right.

Ricky: (sighs) Paul Wright called, it was John Stapleton.

Steve: Oh, was it?

Ricky: It was one of those- you know what I mean, it was sort of like the Paul Heiney, Keiran... what is it? Prendiville and Chris Serle, all that sort of... type of thing, you know what I mean.

Steve: Right, so and this was on BBC Two,

Ricky: And it's always one of those- those people... you're sitting with people and they go "Oh I went to university with him."

Steve: I know.

Ricky: And they suddenly realise it's not a proud th- you know... oh... and they just go quiet.

Steve: It's never-

Ricky: It's never impressive, is it?

Steve: It's never Prince.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: Or, or um, I don't know, uhhh... somebody really great and groovy.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's never, I don't know uh say, Rick Astley.

Ricky: And then you start realising that you're round someone's house and they'll go- and he comes on and they just don't say anything.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then someone goes "Didn't you go to uni-" "No. No, I thought I did, it was the other one, it was Chris Serle."

Steve: Did you go to anybody- uh, school with anybody famous?

Ricky: Michael Jackson.

Steve: (laughing) Did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Odd, that. You went to school presumably in the states.

Ricky: Ye- well he d- no. He was in Reading for a lot of his life.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What was it some kind of exchange program?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Mhmm, mhmm.

Ricky: We sent them um... Charlie Chaplin funnily enough.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Took a long time for them get round it, you know what the americans are like.

Steve: You're making this up.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, anyway, Toyah's talking to John Stapleton and I suddenly realised it's a religious program straight away cos it was a back- of- in a church.

Steve: Oh you- nothing gets past you, Gervais.

Ricky: No way. No way. Could be "Archaeology... Is Us". Um-

Steve: So wait a minute, whoa whoa whoa, so people- yeah, Toyah's on some religious program, BBC Two-

Ricky: (sighs) It's not worth it.

Steve: John Stapleton.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Okay. And I'm just flicking through and I went "Hold on, there's Toyah, let's..." and he goes, "So, it was very spiritual?" She goes "Yes." And I realised she was talking about her wedding. She was going "It was very, very spiritual indeed." And he said "But no hymns?" She went, "No, we had silence instead."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "Silence instead." So now we will do Silence No. 3, it's 4 and a half minutes long so keep your gob shut." Right? And um, I was thinking "Oh, what is she talking about?" He went, "Mm." She went, "People are thcared of-" Sorry, "People are-" That was Chris Eubank!

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right... Um, she said "People are scared of silence."

Steve: What's she talking about?

Ricky: And then she said, "The thing is, during silence, there's a lot of unconscious thought."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: ...What, the thought that you don't know you're thinking? "The last 3 and a half minutes, I didn't a thing during that. I better plug into my unconscious to find out what exactly I was standing up for for 3 minutes going, 'Who's the women in the hats? What are we doing here?'" What a load of pretentious twaddle that is though.

Steve: Well I never liked Toyah. I've never liked her.

Ricky: Ah, she's alright.

Steve: That's all the more reason to hate her.

Ricky: No! I don't hate her. All those, all those people that I just mentioned, they don't come close to Lenny Henry. I saw another bit of him doing his standup in America, oh God it's so nauseating. He's got another series apparently. Does anyone like Lenny Henry? 01- obviously, he's a massive star. Does anyone listening to this show,

Steve: Really like Lenny Henry?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Or, is there anyone that annoys me more than Lenny Henry? Uh- I should answer that one shouldn't I?

Steve: (laughs) Yes.

Ricky: Do I win a prize?

Steve: I think what you want to do there is uh, you wanna sort of, you wanna speak correctly!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: It's another simple thing Gervais which will help you out in your radio career.

Ricky: Ohh no, um, Swervedriver that's 3 minutes 41, I've gotta pick one 7 minutes to the news...

Steve: Gervais, whoa whoa, before you move on-

Ricky: Hmmm...

Steve: Can I just tell you-

Ricky: 3 and a half minutes...

Steve: You know we talked about celebrities and going to school with celebrities and things?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, I have a very famous 2nd cousin.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Yeah, I'm gonna tell you who it is in a minute.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I've got the best joke in the world!

Steve: Have you?

Ricky: I should have been trailing that, that'd kept them on their... tender hooks! Why are they sitting on tender hooks?

Steve: So we've got um-

Ricky: What are "tender hooks"?

Steve: I think it's "tenterhooks". I don't know what they are but I don't think it's tend-

Ricky: What are- okay. 0171, who annoys me more than Lenny Henry, no one, you've won that one, so don't bother phoning in.

Steve: But who annoys you the listener more than Lenny Henry?

Ricky: Yeah. Oh that's a good one!

Steve: Clever.

Ricky: Cos then it's throwing it to them and it's their opinion.

Steve: It's simple.

Ricky: Ohh!

Steve: Simple things, Gervais.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: 017- I noticed again you didn't bother to give the whole phone number.

Ricky: What did I say?

Steve: You actually just said "0171".

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: It used to be as I recall, 0171580 which is about half of it but no, just 0171 now.

Ricky: Ohh, Swervedriver.

Song: Swervedriver - 99th Dream (edit)

Penguin Went Into a Pub…

Ricky: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais Show, well it's nearly over but I have got a great joke, and we've got a simple rule here, that you're only allowed to tell a joke on air if it's about going into a pub.

Steve: That's right.

Ricky: Okay, you ready?

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: (clears throat) Penguin,

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Goes into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says to the barman, "Have you seen my dad in here?" And he goes, "I dunno, what's he look like?"

Steve: (laughs) Yeah. No, it's not bad, it's alright, it's alright.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, I had a similar one about something going into a pub, I think it was a- a turd and a wig, but I can't remember what the punchline is, if anyone knows, 01715802000, something about a turd and a wig. Gervais, I've also obviously got my celebrity relation which I'll tell you about in a minute.

Ricky: That's about it, then.

Steve: Yeah, we've enjoyed ourselves.

Ricky: Ohhh dear... "Bald character, once the drummer for Genesis is more annoying." Who's- what's this for? "Smoked fish", oh what- what? What's this, Emma?

Emma: That is,

Ricky: What?

Emma: What tenterhooks are.

Ricky: Oh, what are they- oh, tenterhooks are what?

Emma: It's what smoked fish are hung from.

Ricky: Excellent. And "bald character" off that- he's more annoying than Lenny Henry,

Emma: Lenny Henry.

Ricky: Okay. "Once the drummer for Genesis", well that's Phil Collins.

Emma: Yeah, but you can't say that.

Ricky: 'Course you can, I can say Phil Collins is more- it's a matter of opinion, innit?

Emma: Yeah but he said that on the phone, he said please don't say that, it's a bit mean.

Steve: Phil Collins is a deeply boring man, anyone can say that.

Ricky: Well I won't say who it is who said it then.

Emma: Okay.

Ricky: We've got out of it, haven't we? "Joe Pasquale is less funny." Oooh... yeah, okay. Um... who's that?

Steve: I mean the point is you can say that Phil Collins is a bald, boring man in the same way you can say Andi Peters is a raging... Gervais, um-

Ricky: Jilly thinks I'm adorable, apparently.

Steve: Gervais um, I don't think we've got time to really talk about this.

Ricky: Oh okay, what have we gotta do next week, oh um, we can't say who your celebrity was but I just thought we could phone in who you think it is, I mean I've got a few ideas who your celebrity 2nd cousin is... your mum! Um, no, um, I th- Mister Ed?

Steve: (laughing) No.

Ricky: Godzilla.

Steve: No. The point is that this is a real celebrity so I mean-

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: "Celebrity"... so uh you know I'm not making it up, it's not gonna be as exciting as you know, "Whoa it's Elvis" or whatever, it's not that groovy but it's still-

Ricky: But they do share some of your genetic material?

Steve: No, you wouldn't know it.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: No, you wouldn't-

Ricky: Normal?

Steve: You will- yeah.

Ricky: Symmetrical?

Steve: Good looking-

Ricky: Really?

Steve: A good looking person.

Ricky: Blood reaching the surface?

Steve: A good looking person.

Ricky: Really!?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Fantastic. Um, do- they probably denied your existence altoge- I mean they're obviously gonna deny they're related to you then, aren't they?

Steve: Well I'd say I tried to get some of their money, noo...

Ricky: Um, what else did we do? Oh, send me some hideous pictures.

Steve: Yeah, I'll just give the address again, XFM 97 Charlotte Street, London W1P 1LB-

Ricky: I've gotta- I can't- no, I've gotta go to the pub.

Turned Up Pissed

Ricky: 4 o'clock again.

Steve: Yep. (clears throat)

Ricky: One computer's not working.

Steve: Is it not?

Ricky: No. This all sounds funny, I've got... what's that one, is that the one I've-

Steve: Just press a few buttons.

Ricky: Now I've put it on there... "Deskop" I dunno-

Steve: (coughs)

Ricky: I dunno what these do. Is your mic working?

Steve: (coughs) Sorry, I've got a bit of a cold.

Ricky: Um... oh God I had a big list of things to talk about as well.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Aww...

Ricky: No.

Song: Rocket From The Crypt - On a Rope

Ricky: Rocket From The Crypt,

Steve: Oh, it's a good start.

Ricky: On a Rope. Which is appropriate because we've got a little Gravediggaz track to play later, haven't we?

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Ricky: About- called Suicide.

Steve: It's one of my favourite tracks Gervais, by the Gravediggaz but it has got a bit of bad language.

Ricky: Well, that's okay cos you've played it to me a couple of times and I reckon I've got it off pat,

Steve: Really?

Ricky: I'm gonna be- I'm gonna be bleeping it out live.

Steve: You're gonna do a live bleep-out?

Ricky: Yeah. I should say, you know we usually have a few beers and we get... throughout the show and I get steadily drunk, which is unprofessional, this t- saved a bit of time, turned up pissed.

Steve: You turned up drunk today?

Ricky: Yeah. So I don't have to-

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: So we- so we- I tell you what-

Steve: But I'll be honest with you Gervais,

Ricky: What?

Steve: Umm, you know normally if someone gets drunk, their speech begins to slur,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They talk rubbish,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, no difference.

Ricky: No.

Steve: With you.

Ricky: That's the beauty of it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's the beauty of being me.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: You know what I mean, no-

Steve: How-

Ricky: What?

Steve: How drunk are you?

Ricky: Um... I had a little bit of wine.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Couple of glasses?

Ricky: It's a lovely- I might get a little bit melancholy and... (sobbing) what about the little baby kangaroos that have to crawl all out their mums? I help them.

Ricky: Got a fax here for you Steve, actually.

Steve: Oh lovely, good news.

Ricky: It's from um, Becky. She's listening to us in bed, she's being a bit lazy, she's been on holiday, and she wants me to dedicate a song to uh, dedicate it to "Stinky, skanky Steve because he is an alien." and she's done a little picture of you, "Slimy Steve." Isn't that lovely? And she wants us to play Subterranean Homesick Alien by Radiohead. Isn't that sweet,

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: So people do think of you.

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: And I got one from Laura as I- says to "Steve, you still sound as stupid as ever, you asymmetrical, asexual, rabid, anemic, flea-ridden deformity." Awww, see you have got people thinking of you! See?

Steve: Yah. I'd rather they didn't.

Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine

1-800-Suicide

Ricky: Babybird and If You'll Be Mine Then I'll Be Yours, and Babybird was actually in this week, with Claire.

Steve: ...Was he.

Ricky: Lovely. Lovely man.

Steve: Oh Babybird was in at XFM?

Ricky: Yeah, he's very nice.

Steve: Is he?

Ricky: He's got a beak and funny little claws.

Steve: Oh, rick.

Ricky: I know, it made me laugh.

Steve: Don't... Oh my God we're desperate-

Ricky: He used to be an egg.

Steve: Desperate men Rick, if you've gotta resort to that kind of gag.

Ricky: I called him Babybird and he went, "I've never been called that before." Which is bizarre.

Steve: But the band are called Babybird, he's called Stephen...

Muffled music coming through the wall

Ricky: ...Can you go and tell them to turn that down next door? When we're trying to do a show.

Steve: Someone's playing music, aren't they?

Ricky: Yeah. Emma, it's just- it's not on.

Steve: That's insane, I can hear a throb from the other room.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Someone's got- this is insane Gervais, it's like trying to host a radio show-

Ricky: Yeah. And now he's laughing. Yeah.

Steve: It's all going-

Ricky: Well anyway, we're gonna play a track that you've brought in.

Steve: That's right.

Ricky: Go on, what is it?

Steve: It's a fantastic tune by the Gravediggaz,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Part of the Wu-Tang ca- clan rap collective, right, it's from their album.

Ricky: Not to be confused with the Wu-Tang clam, which is a little shellfish,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's into rap.

Steve: Yeah that swears a lot.

Ricky: Yeah, terrible, yeah.

Steve: Um, the track is uh-

Ricky: Got a mussel posse.

Steve: The track is beautiful, you've probably heard it on the dancefloor maybe at some indie club.

Ricky: Of course I have, yeah.

Steve: 1-800 Suicides.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now I would stress that it has got a bit of bad language.

Ricky: I know, I mean I've listened to this twice, and I reckon I've got it off pat, I reckon I'm gonna pull the fader down at just the right places and go, "Ehh". Okay?

Steve: Right, you're gonna sort of bleep it out.

Ricky: Yeah, and if it goes wrong so what? You know, that's real, people have a problem with swearing, I don't, do you?

Steve: No. Not at all.

Ricky: I mean I'm doing it cos it's rules and you know-

Steve: You know the great thing about rap-

Ricky: We wanna stay on air because you know, we take our jobs seriously,

Steve: We do.

Ricky: And I think we're- we're - sorry, 'scuse my french, bloody good DJs.

Steve: Well I think you're absolutely right Rick, let me shake your hand.

Ricky: Yeah, alright,

Steve: There we are, good shaking of the hand there. I love a bit of rap, Gervais,

Ricky: That wasn't actually french.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Was it? That's weird that, innit?

Steve: Umm, oh, "Pardon my french!"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: People always say when they maybe say 'bollocks' or something.

Ricky: "Excuse my french but le plume de ma tante."

Steve: Haha!

Ricky: "Hey come on, language. Language." Umm we'll be learning a little bit of uh, foreign language later, I've brought in um, Instant Yiddish by Fred Kogos, I've always wanted to learn Yiddish.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah. Um... "Ugh... narishyekt", uh, foolishness. Um, "Zum glick, zum schlimmen". Yeah, for better for worse. So I'll be- I'll teach you little useless phrases like that, out of the old Instant Yiddish book, but first, what was this, Gravediggaz?

Steve: It's Gravediggaz, uh, they're keeping it real, they're keeping it raw, so there is a bit of bad language.

Ricky: Yeah, mine's... raw.

Steve: You've been keeping it raw?

Ricky: Yeah, 'course I have. Um, right, I'm gonna have a go at this then.

Steve: Alright don't-

Ricky: No wait a minute, no don't- shut up right I gotta play this... shut up then, don't put me off, I gotta concentrate, cos I know where the-

Steve: Bleep it out, bleep it out live.

Ricky: And I will yeah, shut up.

Steve: ...Alright, is it going?

Gravediggaz - 1-800 Suicide starts playing with Ricky bleeping out the swears throughout

Steve: Okay,

Ricky: Shush.

Steve: Take it calm, take it calm.

Ricky: Alright.

Song continues

Steve: There's one coming-

Ricky: I know!

Song continues

Steve: Good work, good work.

Ricky: It's alright.

Steve: You're doing okay but you're not out of the woods yet.

Song continues

Ricky: ...This is too stressful.

Steve: Ahh you're doing well,

Ricky: No, no-

Steve: I don't think there's any more.

Ricky: No?

Steve: Just play it.

Song ends

Steve: Well done Rick, that was very good.

Ricky: No worries. That's Gravediggaz, innit. What's that called?

Steve: 1-800 Suicide.

Ricky: I'm gonna buy it, I think. Can I get that actual mix with me going "Ehh" on it?

Steve: Yes you can.

Ricky: And that's for Steve Vox who's listening in Reading, it's from Lee to him, and Steve is the president of the Geeks, Nerds and Losers Society, the GNL, and he's the vice president.

Steve: I got thrown out of that.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Yeah, wouldn't have me.

Ricky: What, embarrassing walking down the street with you?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: It's a terrible state.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, Gervais, it was Saturday night last night,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: And I didn't get till- I didn't get to sleep until six in the morning!

Ricky: Oooohhh!

Steve: Hahaha!

Ricky: Flatmates having a party?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Not invited?

Steve: No.

Ricky: Next time, though.

Steve: Well maybe, maybe.

Ricky: I don't know why you hang round with them.

Steve: Well. I- you know.

Ricky: At least I look after you, I sort of- people say to me "Is steve really as ugly as you say?" I go "He's worse." D'you know what I mean, but that's affec-

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: No, d'you know what I mean, though?

Steve: You're doing me a favour.

Ricky: Well, 'course I am!

Steve: You're protecting me.

Ricky: 'Course I am!

Steve: I tell you, one day, right, it's just one of me at the moment but one day there'll be a whole squadron, it'll be like Planet of the Apes.

Ricky: Oh my God, and you don't actually need anyone else to sort of like, breed, do you?

Steve: Exactly, we can just reproduce as we are.

Ricky: (makes squelching noises)

Steve: It'll be like Planet of the Apes right, there'll be a sort of Charlton Heston figure-

Ricky: Planet of the Squids.

Steve: He'll crash land-

Ricky: "Get your damn dirty... tentacle off me!"

Steve: He'll crash land, yeah, exactly, and it'll just be loads of 'me' crawling round, all identical chasing him on horseback.

Ricky: And they'll see like Bristol Temple Meads and they'll go, "Oh my God, they blew it up!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's back in Bristol with all your- ohh no.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: This is Charlatans and Then.

Song: The Charlatans - Then

Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!

Ricky: There must be an organisation of volunteers or something who, if it's like touch and go, if it's really serious, if you're like clinically depressed about it and you really can't get a woman, they don't want people just turning up who can get girls, saying, "Oh, I fancy-" you know, but in your case, you'll have- they'll speak to you, they'll see you, and I think you know, there must be some sort of National Health thing or private- where you can actually sleep with um, I dunno, a voluntary worker.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: No d'you know what I mean though?

Steve: You think so?

Ricky: Well yeah there's people that-

Steve: That'd be amazing!

Ricky: Yeah- yeah I know but there's people that um, I dunno, volunteer for geriatric duty, you know, and they're exploding all over the place, they're covered in the stuff, right? There's people that work on leper colonies for nothing. There must be someone who would sleep with you out of sympathy... you don't want that, 'course you don't! You don't what that, do you?

Steve: Well let's not be hasty, Rick.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I mean these people- I mean especially if they need some sort of free publicity, you know, and get a bit of press and media attention.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I ought to sort of help to publicise their campaign, really.

Ricky: There's probably an organisation that'd go, you know, they'd go off to like, strange climes and go on to like, leper islands and that, and they work with them, or they can sleep with you. Now that's gotta do the leper some good, hasn't it?

Steve: ...Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Wouldn't that be terrible if that was the option, right, and suddenly volunteers to leper colonies doubled.

Ricky: It's like going to Torremolinos.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Let me on the bus." "Sorry there's no room on the bus." But you're at the back there going, "Well um... well then here we go."

Steve: "Here I am, then..."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "No, no but I'm sorry, I signed up for the lepers."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Um, licking their wounds."

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "Well sorry, but-"

Ricky: "Geriatric duty!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Run out of bedpans?"

Steve: "Scraping it out."

Ricky: Ohh dear. I heard a song in the week, right, and I've heard it before, it's by Ween, and it goes, (in an annoying voice) "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!" And I dunno what it's called. 01718502000, I dunno where to look. "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!" It's like that. It is.

Steve: Rubbish.

Ricky: I've been going round singing that.

Steve: There's no song with that lyric in.

Ricky: It's like that, it goes, "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!"

Steve: Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Shut up, for God's sake Gervais.

Ricky: That's what my friends have been saying for the last four days.

Steve: God, you're really irritating me today.

Ricky: Like people walk around going, "If you'll be mine, I'll be-" not too annoying, but after about ten times you go, "Oh, can you sing something else?" But when you've heard "Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup!"

Steve: Shut up. Shut up now.

Ricky: It can get really annoying.

Steve: Yes it can.

Ricky: It really can, can't it?

Steve: Shut up.

Ricky: Okay, Wannadies, You and Me Song. "Pushthelittledaisies-"

Steve: Shut up!

Ricky: (laughs)

Song: Wannadies - You And Me Song

Song: Ween - Push th' Little Daisies

Ricky: I wasn't exaggerating, was I?

Steve: No. It's a good tune though.

Ricky: Yeah. let's leave it.

Steve: Haha!

Ricky: Ahyuh!

Steve: "Push the little daisies and make them come up!"

Not That Ugly

Ricky: (does a silly laugh) It's great cos it's just like a gag. I love that one.

Steve: It's great actually.

Ricky: Maybe we should play it again.

Steve: Well, hmm, maybe later on.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I'm not that mad about it.

Ricky: I like that.

Steve: It's not quite as irritating as-

Ricky: As me.

Steve: Generally.

Ricky: But then who is. Um, we were talking earlier about how hideous you erm, how you look and you can't get a woman cos you're quite nasty as well. And Emma, our producer here, who thought "Oh look, this is not fair cos Steve is quite affectionate." When you get to sort of know- you know like E.T. when you first watch E.T. you go "Eurgh!" and then by the end, you think "Awww..." d'you know what I mean? It sort of like gets that deeper- and she said- she went, "I remind you Steve what I said when I first met you." And this was like her best you know, stab at a compliment to make you feel better. She said, "I thought you're really not THAT ugly."

Steve: So the assumption is I am ugly,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Just not as bad as Ricky's made out.

Ricky: And that's like, you know what I mean, yeah. And she said like "No don't be silly, you're really good l- l... you're really not that u...gly."

Emma: (giggles)

Ricky: Yeah. It was a good effort though, wasn't it?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: You know, that was nice Emma, that was really nice.

Steve: Cheers for that.

Ricky: It was a good effort, but it was- it was shallow.

Emma: (giggles)

Ricky: And futile, it doesn't mean anything- look at his little face! Aww, look!

Steve: Look at that fax over there,

Ricky: What-

Steve: Let me check that fax out, right.

Ricky: "To Ricky, Steve's skin problem close up." Which is actually um,

Steve: What they've got-

Ricky: Silicon carbide particles.

Steve: Someone's sent in a fax, right, and they've got this sort of hideous kind of mutated cells, whatever, and they've put on the fax, "To Rick, Steve's skin problem close up."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've never said I've got a skin problem.

Ricky: No, I haven't, you haven't got a skin problem.

Steve: They're just assuming that!

Ricky: It's almost translucent, his skin, it's very pale. It's like you know those- like those newborn fish when you can see all the hearts, in- can't you? "All the hearts"! W- in many fish. They've got one each. Lots of fish, lots of hearts.

Steve: Gervais, shut up, you're irritating me now, and you're abusive, and you're just winding me up.

Ricky: Aww.

Steve: No, I'm a little bit offended by it.

Ricky: I know, so you should be. But what about this charity thing, there must be one- 01715802000.

Steve Or Lepers

Ricky: Oh, that'd be fantastic.

Steve: That'd be great and you know, it'd be like uh, £1 fix, you'd write on the little form.

Ricky: Yeah, £1 yeah.

Steve: And you could get friends and relatives to sponsor you.

Ricky: Would that be per stroke or per shag?

Steve: I think it's for the whole thing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The whole event.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It'll be a big event, you know those guys, I think it was a hoax but they were gonna televise the first moment they lost their virginity, they were gonna broadcast it down the internet alright,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And they were gonna have sex on the internet live, and everyone was gonna applaud and watch and pay for it, maybe I could organise that as well, make a bit of money out of it.

Ricky: Yeah but think of the technology by then though.

Steve: It'd be incredible.

Ricky: They'll just be able to think it, won't they, and like see you losing your virginity.

Steve: Y- y-

Ricky: And they'll all have big, swollen heads- you might be good looking in like the year... 2090! You never know, cos it's all relative, innit? You know in Bristol, you're a good looking fella aren't you, in Bristol.

Steve: I'm a good looking guy!

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, ohh. This is Belle and Sebastian.

Steve: (sighs)

Ricky: Uh, The Boy With The Arab Strap.

Steve: 0171-

Ricky: This is for Jim Hobbs. Who said uh-

Steve: Can I jus-

Ricky: No. Um, who said "Can we hear more about Jezzock" And I better tell people now, we've had a lot of faxes about Jezoc. Jezoc is spelt J-E-Z-O-C. I made it up, that's how it's spelt. Okay?

Steve: Alright Gervais, you'll tell us a bit more about Jezoc, will you?

Ricky: Oh yeah, I've got a whole new storyline.

Steve: Before you carry on, um, 01715802000 I've got some sponsorship forms, right, already printed up,

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, excellent.

Steve: So just send- you know, give me a call, I can post one to you.

Ricky: "I will sleep with Steve or I will go on- work on a leper connolly" "Connolly"? Billy- yeah he's a-

Steve: Oh shut up, play a record.

Ricky: Big Scottish bloke with a beard with his legs falling off.

Steve: Just play a record you drunken sot!

Ricky: (laughs)

Song: Belle And Sebastian - The Boy With The Arab Strap

He Kills Innocent People

Song fades out

Ricky: ...Gets quieter and quieter, doesn't it?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Uh, couple of phonecalls. Rob phoned in and said "Slap Steve for saying '0181' instead of '0171'." See, it's the singly most important thing, the number is 01715802000. that's why you don't hear me mucking it up.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: I apologise.

Ricky: Um... "Pump Ricky with more wine and challenge him to quack over the Anti-Nowhere League, So What. I d- I've- I've... (laughing) I'll start that sentence again.

Steve: What, that was a sentence?

Ricky: (laughs) No, shut up. Um, I had something to say, then.

Steve: ...You are drunk!

Ricky: Oh yeah, no look, shut up-

Steve: I can smell it on your breath.

Ricky: Shut up!

Steve: I can smell it on your breath for God's sake.

Ricky: Don't. Don't wind me up then. Um, yeah I've got this new storyline for Jezoc, um... I want help with it. What it is, right, I think it starts off with this villain right, Jezoc brings him in right, and he's murdered maybe... maybe a little kid, or you know, someone's husband, the woman's there and she's terrible, well you would be.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right? Jezoc's in there and he goes "Don't worry, he's gonna... by the time he gets out, um... Steve will have a girlfriend." Right, she goes "(sobbing) Won't bring my boy back, will it?" "No, but you can have one of mine." Um- "I got loads" or something, right? Anyway, he goes to- goes to the court, right, and he's only tampered with the jury, hasn't he, he's a nasty piece of work.

Steve: Oh, not the murderer?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He walks free, and he sort of like, winks at Jezoc on the way out, d'you think Jezoc's gonna let it lie?

Steve: Jezoc's not gonna let that villain uh- what, has he got a piece of evidence?

Ricky: Well, no, he goes after him, shoots him anyway, cos you know- it turns out the bloke didn't actually do it, but... you know, as Jezoc says, "Better, you know, kill innocent people than let one, you know, guilty person go free."

Steve: (laughs) That's Jezoc's philosophy?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah... and "Shoot first, ask questions later." You know, you don't wanna be stitched up, he's got a reputation. Um, and then uh, he gets off with a woman, and they have another kid, and uh, it's... alright.

Steve: Yeah. I'll stop you there,

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Um, Jezoc just killed an innocent man. He's your superhero, he's your heroic hard-boiled cop, he just killed an innocent man. I'm a little bit disappointed.

Ricky: Oh, so he's gotta be perfect, has he?

Steve: Well, I'm just a little bit disappointed.

Ricky: I- well no,

Steve: In Jezoc.

Ricky: He can't be perfect. He's got things to do. We know he's got problems, he drinks too much, he kills innocent people. You go out there every day, see how you survive.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We've got Mama Said Knock You Out lined up. It's our- one of our joint little favourites. We like this one and we like some Elvis songs, don't we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Cos we're like, mates.

Steve: I've got a little plot.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah?

Steve: Um... It's Jezoc, right, and he retires. He just gets out the whole thing. Alright?

Ricky: Alright.

Steve: That's the final one, we've pulled a discreet veil over the whole Jezoc debacle.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Alright, is that okay?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rick, forget Jezoc.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Cos I've got my own show I'll be telling you about.

Ricky: What's- have you really?

Steve: Yeah, it's fantastic.

Ricky: Can- am I in it?

Steve: No, not really.

Ricky: Something to do with- right, okay-

Steve: It's a genuine one I've come up with.

Ricky: You know this song, right? "Mama said knock you out" I like to like, shadow box to that, I've been working out today on the big bag, did a bit of boxing, cos I've been training, I challenged Camfield to a fight when I was pissed, thursday night, he was swaying, I challenged him to a fight, I offered him a thousand pounds prize money, that was the purse, whether he won or lost. He still said no.

Steve: Well he's a wuss, he's about 14 or something.

Ricky: Yeah. But he's about 6 foot.

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: Maybe he was scared of killing me.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Jezoc is not scared of that, you see-

Steve: Jezoc's gone.

Ricky: Alright.

Steve: He's out of it.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: There might be a comeback special one day but thank God he's gone.

Ricky: Let's work on it.

Steve: Well, ughh...

Song: LL Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out

Camfield, Come and Get It

Ricky: That's my challenge to Camfield. You know what I mean?

Steve: Mama Said Knock You Out.

Ricky: Yeah, I'm putting it out. I'm putting it out over the airs.

Steve: Yeah, you're keeping it real.

Ricky: You know like death- Puffy and all that, and Tupac and that, that's like me and Camfield.

Steve: Oh that's a fantastic idea!

Ricky: I'm saying "Come and get it, Camfield!" I'm saying, (punches palm) "I'm here!" you know what I mean?

Steve: That east coast-west coast rivalry, we can recreate amongst DJs.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Steve Lamacq outside- now have you seen him, he's a weedy little dweeb.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, fantastic.

Ricky: You can't actually say that, cos I mean he's a nice guy and-

Steve: Well maybe so.

Ricky: Yeah, so you're gonna fight Lamacq, I'm gonna fight Camfield.

Steve: Oh, it'd be brilliant.

Ricky: Let's keep it within XFM. You know, Crowley. Remember he had a fight once at school, and his defen- luckily he had a hymn book on him.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: And he hit the bloke in the nose with the hymn book so you don't mess with Crowley cos he's probably carrying uh, you know, bibles, hymn books, you know,

Steve: He's loaded, he's got some kind of religious paraphernalia with him.

Ricky: Old parchment papers.

Steve: Yeah, crucifixes.

Ricky: That can- papercuts are the worst.

Steve: Ohh, nasty.

Ricky: Oh, imagine that, a little bit of papyrus across the eyelid. Ooh. You don't wanna mess with Crowley. No, I'm saying "Camfield, come and get it." You know what I mean? He hangs out with his Deftones and all that lot, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Shall we just ask out- who should we threaten out, who else can we threaten out?

Ricky: Um, well let's not go too mad.

Steve: Well uh, what about Henry Rollins?

Ricky: Well, no, I don't-

Steve: I've made a mistake.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Steve: I've made an error there.

Ricky: You've embarrassed yourself.

Steve: There are a lot of people I could have chosen, Jarvis for instance.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I've gone straight to-

Ricky: A lot of people come before Henry Rollins, don't they?

Steve: I was a fool.

Ricky: Um, some british heavyweight boxers, for example.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, I'd rather fight than Henry Rollins.

Steve: Um, before we carry on, before we- cos I'm gonna tell you about my TV idea in a minute, Rick, cos this is an idea I've been working on and it's serious, it's like you know, Jezoc's got a certain strength, a certain quality,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, and I think you'll like this as well, but before we do that, I've been sent a picture, a picture's been faxed through,

Ricky: Oh, excellent.

Steve: And it's a little challenge as ever,

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It's Make Ricky Laugh, if you laugh at the picture I've got here Rick,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Then Martin in Crouch End,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He wins- well I thought we could give him-

Ricky: I like it already, "Martin in Crouch End".

Steve: I thought maybe we could give him the Babybird album.

Ricky: Why? Why d'you mean "We th-" it's mine, you haven't got one, so you th- go on then yeah.

Steve: We'll give that to him, but anyway here's the picture, see what you think. (shows Ricky the picture)

Ricky: (laughs quietly then loudly) I like it, cos there's a little explanation as well.

Steve: I know.

Ricky: And it's subtle cos I had to get right to the end for the big line. Emma, you're not allowed to see this. No. That is fantastic.

Steve: So well done to Martin-

Ricky: So Martin- Martin-

Steve: I think he wins an award doesn't he, there.

Ricky: Yeah he does, yeah.

Steve: Good work, so if you wanna win something tasty, give us a call or fax us through a picture, 01715801234, your pictures please, Make Ricky Laugh.

Ricky: Um, you know your idea of this new show which I haven't heard yet right, but... we should start getting together all the o...er stuff or we gonna get ripped off- that w- I sounded just like Albert Tatlock then, in the early 80s.

Steve: "We should (speaks gibberish)"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I love the fact that you sort of- maybe you've got a sentence that's got 15 words in,

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: You reckon well, "If I get out an average of 5 coherent words,"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "To every 15 that I need to say in a sentence, that'll be enough."

Ricky: Oh God, right, Jam or Oasis?

Steve: Either one. Both rubbish.

Ricky: Oh, now, come on, they're both good, big bands aren't they?

Steve: Alright Gervais, next let's talk about my game- my TV idea.

Ricky: Okay, let's do All Around The World cos it's probably gonna be big "all around the world" isn't it?

Steve: Yeah, ohoh!

Song: The Jam - All Around the World

It’s The Future

Ricky: Before that, The Jam, All Around the World, got a fax here from my mate Nick he's listening, say hello to him. Say hello to Nick.

Steve: H- hello.

Ricky: Yeah, and apparently there's- he's found a great website about Joey Deacon so we'll check that one out a little bit later.

Steve: About Joey Deacon?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Aww, Joey.

Ricky: Yeah, um...

Steve: Aww... (makes noise like Joey)

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Um... Rick, we've had loads of ideas, haven't we, in the past.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And actually I was wondering whether we should put out the phone number, 01715802000, um... the reason being, that a) you might perhaps want to- want us to perhaps um, relate an old anecdote that you once heard on the show that you'd love to hear again.

Ricky: Yeah. We could recreate the golden years.

Steve: We could recreate some of the classic moments from The Ricky Gervais Show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And also of course, we've had tens of thousands of ideas,

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: For products, for services, for TV shows especially, and board games, all kinds of stuff.

Ricky: I mean the- the- we've come up with one recently haven't we that- that'll catch on, Sleep With Me Or Play With Lepers.

Steve: That's right.

Ricky: I mean that's a good service, isn't it?

Steve: It's an interesting show that, I imagine that's Channel 4, about 8 o'clock.

Ricky: Yeah, definitely. Uh- later. Later, really.

Steve: Yeah. And we've also of course most famously perhaps had the Penis Puppet Theater.

Ricky: Penis Puppet Theater, so easy to manufacture, I dunno why publishers aren't knocking on my door.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Lot of other people are knocking on my door.

Steve: Um, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: Which'd be fun, recreating the he-

Ricky: "Get in the queue mum, it's Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations (imitates air raid siren)"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: All kinds of great games, re- recreating-

Ricky: "To be perfectly Anne Franked".

Steve: "To be-"

Ricky: "Who's Snork?"

Steve: (laughing) "Who's Snork?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Great games. And if you- I mean if you've not ever heard us describing these, well you've missed out.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've learnt your mistake.

Ricky: The Tease Penguin is probably my greatest invention.

Steve: "The Tease Penguin", can you tell us again, I forget.

Ricky: Well it's just a penguin, right, you train, you put it in a lovely little french maid outfit, and it comes in, (exhales) sort of breathes fish-y breath on you and slaps you round the face with its flipper.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Aww...

Steve: Um.. Jezoc, obviously.

Ricky: But it doesn't let you go any further.

Steve: Aww...

Ricky: That's why it's the Tease Penguin.

Steve: Yeah, oh I see.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um.... XFamily Fortunes.

Ricky: Ohh, I can see that on telly myself.

Steve: Yeah, it is incredible, I dunno where you got the idea from.

Ricky: I- they just come into my head sometimes.

Steve: Do they?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But anyway here's my new idea Gervais,

Ricky: Oh come on then.

Steve: It's a great show, it's an exciting show, right?

Ricky: Right, go on.

Steve: It's the future,

Ricky: Ohh, yeah.

Steve: Alright? Crime has got so bad in the future,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: No, that - it's terrible - that um, that there's not enough hours in the day, right, for all the cases to be tried in court.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Right, because there's not enough time, it's a bit like you know, Judge Dredd sort of thing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So what happens is, right, there's a "Night Court"... okay?

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: And it comes into session at 12 o'clock,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright? And there's lots of lawyers and stuff, and they really deal with the dredge, I'm talking about the dredge, crimes which you think are open and shut, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright, the sort of stuff that Jezoc would just sort out,

Ricky: No, he'd just-

Steve: With a bullet.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: D'you know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: We're talking rapists and murderers and stuff,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But uh-

Ricky: Or people who just piss him off.

Steve: Exactly. But Ronnie Midnight,

Ricky: Ohh, Ronnie Midnight.

Steve: He's the hard-boiled lawyer that's sort of the main figure at Night Court,

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: And he gets dealt all these rough cases and he thinks it's open and shut,

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Everyone thinks "oh that person should be electrocuted" or whatever,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But no, Ronnie sees something in them, he investigates the crime during the day, so he's only got like 12 hours to sort it out, and then he presents the case at Night Court, right, at night, and maybe often- it's sort of Perry Mason meets um, meets the In-

Ricky: So he wastes taxpayer's money investigating people that might be innocent?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Jezoc just kills 'em!

Steve: Well, maybe so.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's why Ronnie Midnight's much more loved.

Ricky: Well...

Steve: But it's great, it would be great and it would start off with like, "Dum, dum, dum, All rise - shoo shoo shoo - for Night Court!"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It'd be fantastic.

Ricky: I like that.

Steve: It'd be sort of set in the future.

Ricky: Am I in that?

Steve: W- we- mm... not really. But an- you know, who knows, Jezoc could maybe get- you know, he could make a guest appearance. What d'you think?

Ricky: I like it.

Steve: Night Court!

Ricky: I like it.

Steve: Quite good, innit?

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: What's your problem?

Ricky: This rubbish about all this... taxpayer's money, investigating whether they're actually... you know.

Steve: They're innocent. You're more of a Jezoc kind of guy.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Just- just shoot first, don't even ask questions!

Ricky: Don't- yeah, if there's- time's like, you know, of the essence, why ask questions, you've done the- you know, what's the point?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You're just like opening up old wounds. Which is another favourite pastime of Jezoc sometimes.

Steve: And also a great idea-

Ricky: He loves opening up old wounds.

Steve: A great idea for maybe a board game or a TV show: Old Wounds, it'd be fantastic.

Ricky: Ohh, I'm gonna work on this, oh and I've got Tip the Balance, I haven't even described that.

Steve: Tip the Balance?

Ricky: After Embrace.

Steve: Can you tell us?

Ricky: Emma goes out with the bloke in this.

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What's Tip the Balance?

Ricky: Long haired type.

Steve: What's Tip the Balance?

Ricky: Jezoc wouldn't tolerate that.

Steve: What's Tip the Balance?

Ricky: It's a board game for four rugby players or more.

Steve: I'm looking forward to it.

Ricky: Yeah. Or the infirmed, or people who've have just got no dignity left and we can get them on screen doing that. This is uh, My Weakness Is None of..., "dot dot dot", obviously ran out of...

Song: Embrace - My Weakness Is None of Your Business

It’s Fiction

Ricky: I was reading News of the World on my way here, and um, I didn't know this, you know um, Tony Blair,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's the... prime minister of-

Steve: Oh yeah, yeah.

Ricky: You know, yeah, Tony Blair. Um, his father-in-law which is Cherie's dad is that bloke out of Till Death Us Do Part

Steve: What, Alf Garnett?

Ricky: No no, his son.

Steve: Oh, blimey.

Ricky: Something about he's a... I dunno, I should get this right really, cos it could be libellous but it's something to do with some sort of dole cheat or something like that.

Steve: What?

Ricky: Yeah, apparently.

Steve: Cherie Blair's dad's a dole cheat?

Ricky: Yeah. Something like that.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Or he's claiming some sort of benefit fraud or I dunno. But he was always the same when he was living with his dad, Alf. He was married to Una Stubbs, wasn't he? That means Cherie Blair's mum is Una Stubbs.

Steve: No I'll stop you there, Rick. I'll stop you there-

Ricky: It's so incestuous innit?

Steve: It's fiction, I've tried to explain this to you before haven't I? The stuff on the TV,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: A lot of it is real,

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Some of it's fake,

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: They're not really those people, understand? Eastenders for instance, that's not real, that's not real people.

Ricky: Uh, yeah- well, obviously you've embarrassed yours- cos obviously that is real cos I've seen them in real life, they were at Phoenix, a couple of them were playing football. So that is real.

Steve: No that was the act- that was the actors.

Ricky: Mm. Phil Mitchell was there and Ricky Butcher.

Steve: No that was the actors, I've- we have been through this before. We've- cos I went through this the same day that I explained to you that only in the cat world can you piss on an object-

Ricky: I got a new stereo that way.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: They just get it out the shop but it was too late, I got a new stereo, and it doesn't- it sort of "Bzzz" it shorts out cos I actually wee'd in one of the back of the speakers.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it's mine, I've gotta get that-