Fame Souvenir Program Podcast/transcript

Intro

Ricky: Hi. Welcome to ah, 'The Ricky Gervais Show', with me Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant..

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: -And the shaven monkey with a head like a fucking orange, that is - Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Well um, this is ah - ah ah a Special Edition, a free - a giveaway podcast. Um, uh that people who uh came to see my show FAME in London got -- put on their seat - gratis. Thanks for coming. Well unless you didn't even come and still got this free. Unless someone went and said, "Well I don't want it, he was rubbish", and gave it to you, you're listen' to it, for free - OR you've sort of downloaded it illegally.. - it was free anyway(!) Ohh.. forget it.. Um.. we've been away for a while, now we're back together...

Steve: The old team.

Ricky: -The old team back together. In a little room, in Central London.

Karl's 2007

Ricky: Karl(!).. what - looking back on the year, what's happened? I remember last year the most memorable thing that happened was you saw a grub eatin' a biscuit. So uh-

Steve: That was a highlight, I uh-

Ricky laughs

Steve: That made it into his diary.

Ricky: Yeah, Yeah(!) So uh, what's the big thing of this year. What's the big thing so far of 2007 that has - if if I say "2007", you'll go - "Oh yeah that was the year that-.."

Karl: Uhh...

Pause

Ricky: You know, in ten years time-

Karl: In years to come-(?)

Ricky: Yeah I'll go - I'll go "Remember 2007", you go "Course' I do! It was the year that...-"

Pause

Karl: I haven't really been following what's going on cos' of other - of other like personal issues-

Ricky: Well yeah, what's the big - okay what's the big thing-

Karl: Just me boiler. Me boiler's playing up, still. Sick of it.

Ricky scoffs

Steve: Yer' what?

Karl: Me boiler.

Steve: Your boiler?

Karl: The boiler - that heats the water up and stuff - except it doesn't..

Steve: You know what I'd do in that situation; I'd instantly get a repairman out to sort it-

Karl: Done that. Done that. Twice. It was 80 quid. For him just to say uh, "Looks like you need a new one".. 80 quid call-out.

Ricky: Well why don't you get a new one, then?

Karl: Because, you - then you wondered are you meant to believe him, or is he out to sort of try to get more money..

Ricky: Well he's the expert!

Karl: Yeah, but is he?

Ricky: Well I dunno.

Karl: You're meant to get a second opinion, aren't ya, like-?

Ricky: So that was the first time then. So what was the second time, who came out the second time?

Karl: Same fella.

Ricky: And what'd he say, "What you called me-"

Steve: Well I thought you said you were going to get a second opinion!

Ricky: Yeah, and also-!

Karl: I know but I called up the company and and they just sent him again. Because he'd - I think-

Steve: Well call a different company!

Karl: No no no-

Ricky: What was - what was - what was his second opinion? 80 quid!

Ricky giggles

Steve: "I undercharged you, it's 150".

Karl: No because they sort - they must look in the book and sort of go, "Oh you know Harry - Harry went round' there or whatever", and uhh - and they must think, "Well he went there last time, so he knows the situation.."

Steve: Yeah..

Karl: -And.. got the same fella again, so he took-

Ricky: Well, and you got the same opinion I assume?

Karl: -Same answer, yeah.

Ricky: What, so - so okay, so that's two - so twice you've called someone out, they said you need a new boiler. He had the overalls on holding a monkey wrench again and he came in a van.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: He charged ya. He's the professional. Why haven't you got a new boiler?

Karl: Because then he went to say - he went on to say that you know, it's a dangerous setup I've got.

Ricky scoffs

Karl: Uh, it shouldn't be setup it is it's dangerous. Somethin' about gas leaking out of it.

Ricky titters

Karl: Uh, he said, "You don't - you don't sleep close to this, do you?" And it's like, "The bedroom's there." It's not a big flat, you've seen it Steve.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Karl: It's uh - everythin's en suite, innit? So, so like - so - so he he he went on to say, so-

Ricky laughs harder

Ricky: "Everythings en suite." Ohh dear...

Karl: So uh.. so anyway so he he's he's just sort of said, "Look" you know - he he doesn't want to touch it. He said you need to get someone in who can sort this out for you, but-

Steve: What, and it took him two visits and 160 quid to figure that out?

Karl: Yeah.. this is what they do innit?

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: So, so what's his advice?

Karl: Erm, he just said you know, "There - there are people out there who will touch it if you pay the right money."

Ricky: Well okay so you're gonna get an expert in who does this thing and sorts it out so - Go on-

Karl: Well no I - I called up me dad.

Ricky: Oh yeah?

Steve: Oh yeah? (muttering) He's the first man to call-

Karl: Cos' he always knows someone who can sort - sort stuff out. And he said uh, "Oh one of yer' cousins is a - is a boiler man. And uhh... yeah. They're - they're comin' round' - but I've never met em'. And it turns out that - that person - cos' like the whole family - you know how I'm I'm not into sort of keeping in touch with people?

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Aven't spoken to me brother for like.. I don't know, twelve years, and..

Ricky snorts

Karl: -Sister about fifteen years, and that. So... the idea of this cousin who I've -- uh, uh I mean I - he might as well not have said he's me cousin, cos' I'm not gonna know him anyway I mean, might - that last fella Harry - might as well been related-

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: -So - so they're gonna turn up. And now it turns out that because I haven't seen the rest of the family, they're gonna like use this as a renunion.

Ricky exhales

Steve: What, so they're all gonna come round whilst...

Karl: They're all - they're all.. they're all coming round.

Steve: -Whilst he fixes the boiler?

Karl: Yeah. And I hate it. I hate - I hate family things anyway.

Ricky: So they're gonna come round and just look at ya?

Karl: Well, yeah. Apart from the one who's fixin' it, he'll be fixin' it, and the others will just be sat around sort of going, "So, how've you been?" It's like, "Well, where'd ya start?"

Ricky exhales

Karl: I haven't - I haven't seen, uh uh - Seriously I mean, they are strangers. When they buzz, I could be lettin' anyone in.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: When they buzz the door, so..

Steve: And so you're going to entertain them all in yer flat; your tiny little flat?

Karl: Well I - well I said to my dad I might just say that I've gotta go to a meeting; let em' in, and then shoot off.

Ricky: I love that. So now, they're strangers that you're lettin' in your flat, and your not even bein' there.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: That's - that's the best thing, that's - that's security.

Steve chuckles

Karl's Movie Idea

Ricky: Now, Karl says he'll remember this year for his boiler, um being a bit of a pain. But, now everyone knows over the past sort of like few years, my big pet project -- it hasn't been my own career - it's been 'Get Karl Famous'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I want people to recognize him in the street, come up to him and say "You bald-headed Manc twat." Make his life - I - I want-

Steve: Well, let me tell you now Rick-

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I've been out and about and a lot of people have said to me - they've come up to me and said "Has Karl Pilkington got a head like a fucking orange-

Ricky: Well I've-

Steve: And I've had to instantly confirm the answer to be "Yes".

Ricky: Well, I'm in eh - America quite a bit, and it doesn't matter if I'm talking to David Bowie, The Simpsons, all these people, people on 24, all these people - who have got these amazing careers and lives - say "Is Karl Pilkington really like that?" I say "Yes", he's, he's "not two short planks, he's three or four fucking short fucking planks."

Steve: Thick planks. Thick, but short. Short, but thick planks.

Ricky: Yeah. Fucking lumps of thickness. But... he's had a call. He had a call recently, from a film company asking him if he's got any ideas for movies. Now, how desperate, how - in what dire straits must be British film industry be that they're going-

Steve: They're turning to Karl Pilkington-

Ricky: Yeah, "We need Karl Pilkington." We have hit rock bottom. And he went along for an interview.~

Steve: So what, and you went in, and you...

Karl: I went - I went along and um... had a meeting... uhh... in a Café. And uh, they just said "Right, you know, got any ideas?" And uh, I sort of said you know "What you thinking? What sort of thing are you after, are you after Action, Thriller, whatever?"

Steve: Because you can provide any of that, sure.

Ricky: I love that, that he's playing it cool, like you've come to the right person-

Steve: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: "My time's precious, what do you need?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Yeah I'm Karl Pilkington, yeah yeah, they-they eh, they call me The Movie Doctor, what'd you need pucker?

Karl: So I thought of this idea, sort of on the spot, um...

Steve: Good. Planning.

Karl: No, but sometime's that's how good ideas come up don't they, just-just random-

Steve: A lot of yours have come up, yeah...

Karl: No, but when - if you just talk, I find that your mouth... comes out with stuff.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Right there's another quote! There is another quote.

Steve: Right, right. "If you talk, your mouth comes out with stuff."

Ricky: That, that, that, that to me, is - stands along with "What are those things in Gremlins called?", "Does your brain rule you, or do you rule your brain?", uh-

Karl: No, but what I mean - if, if you sit there, and try to use your brain to do it-

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It doesn't work the same. Just - just keep talking, just keep your mouth talking. And eventually it will come out with something pretty good.

Ricky: That is exactly what Plato said.

Karl: So uh.. so anyway-

Ricky: To Aristotle, he said "Sit down I've got an idea for you". Aristotle said Plato "How do I-?" He said "Right. Just keep talking and eventually your brain will come out with stuff."

Karl: So what I thought, I just started off by saying like actors names, and that, who I thought should be in it, cos' then that's giving - giving more - it's building.

Ricky and Steve: Right who did you say?

Ricky: Who did you say?

Karl: So I said, right I'm seeing uh... Clive Warren.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: WHO THE FUCK'S CLIVE WARREN?

Steve: Who's Clive Warren?

Karl: The one who was in, Closer.

Ricky and Steve: Clive Owen.

Karl: Right, alright-

Ricky: Did they look at you like you're a fucking idiot?

Karl: Well I-

Steve chuckles.

Steve: So they - they all started trying to figure out "Who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about? He must be amazing!"

Ricky: "Clive Warren! Get me Clive Warren on the phone! Get me Clive Warren!"

Karl: And I said uh, and Rebecca De Mornay. Alright?

Steve: What??

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Where did that come from?!

Steve: She hasn't been in a film for 15 years, has she?

Ricky: Clive Warren, and Rebecca De Mornay. I love this.

Steve: You could have-

Ricky: They thought he was a genius! They thought he was an absolute - they're going "We've never thought of putting Clive Warren with Rebecca De Mornay!~

Ricky bellows with laughter.

Steve: But hang on a minute, you could have - you could have any film-star, this is your fantasy casting-

Ricky: Oh God. Yeah I know, yeah!

Steve: And you choose a bloke who doesn't exist, and a woman who hasn't been on TV or in a film for 10 years.

Ricky: Oh God, oh-

Steve: Why didn't you choose, like- you know eh-

Ricky: Someone who existed!

Steve: J.Lo, or someone who's a big star?

Ricky: Oh God! Clive-

Steve: Rebecca De Mornay!

Ricky: Clive Warren! Ooh ho God! Oh God.

Karl: So anyway, so they were going "Yeah". And what happens is, they're going out... and - together and that.

Ricky: Yeah. Clive Warren and Rebecca De Mornay.

Karl: Yeah. I said, "It's one of them where it starts off-

Ricky snorts.

Karl: And the people, you know, you're seeing into their lives from like the morning-

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: So it's a nice sunny day.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Radio's on. Uhh, you know, they're going about the day, they're having the breakfast, they're saying "Oh what're we doing tonight?". They're planning a bit do that night, and stuff. And you're thinking "Oh they've got a nice life."

Ricky: Hmm.

Karl: She's - she's like, "Love you and all that." Yeah? He walks out the house, get's hit by a bus.

Steve: Ahh!

Karl: So Clive Warren's-

Steve: Dead.

Karl: Dead, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now, what happens is - she's devastated - Rebecca-

Ricky: I don't know if Clive Warren will take that part-

Steve: Cos' he hasn't got much to do, has he?

Ricky: No, I - if I - if I know Clive Warren-

Steve: And I think you do!

Ricky: I think I do! Um, he's going to say -- hold on though. There's more isn't there? I've- I've-

Steve: Have you jumped the gun there, Rick?

Ricky: Go on mate! C-carry on. So he's hit by a bus, so he's dead.

Karl: So he's hit by a bus and that. The title's come up.

Ricky: Ooohh.

Karl: It's got ya. Right?

Ricky: Starring Clive Warren.

Karl: She's devastated. She's fed up. She's devastated and that. Umm.. doctor says .. "Clive's dead." Urm-

Ricky: Ricky quietly laughs.

Steve: And who's playing the doctor? Jack Nicholson-house.

Karl: Urm, sort of err, what's that fella who was in Independence Day?

Steve: Um, Will Smite?

Karl: No, the - the - the old, the old black fella?

Steve: Um.. uh, Morgan Friedman?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Get him in. He's the doctor.

Ricky: Morgan Friedman, yeah?

Steve: Yeah!

Karl: He says.. "Your husband's dead."

Steve: Right.

Karl: She's like, "Oh God...". What happens then is, he says "But listen, what we can do now.. We can take the brain out.."

Steve and Ricky: Right.

Karl: And - and - and a fact that I read that day, before the meeting - this isn't in the film though, this is me-

Steve: Right but lucky, yeah luckily you've read the fact..

Karl: I read a thing about how the brain can - it can run on half of it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You've actually got a full brain.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: Some of us have!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You can run it on half. You can run it on half.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, this is- this was in my mind still. So I thought "I'll get that in".

Steve: Well, half your mind, yeah.

Karl: So, I said, "What happens is, Morgan Freeman says "I've been working on this. You can run - you can run your life on half a brain.""

Ricky and Steve: Right.

Karl: She's sort of - a bit like, "What are you telling me this for now? Me - me husband's just died, like 20 minutes ago?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he goes, "Yeah but - if we're going to do this, we've gotta act quick." She's like "Do what?" He said "I'll tell ya..." He says.. we can - whilst his brain's not fully dead-", cos' it stays awake for a bit when he got killed-

Ricky: Oh he's not dead then, fine. Wait til' it comes alive. Whaddaya mean? *sniff*

Karl: No no, but he is. He is, he is. But they've found out that it stays awake a little bit-

Ricky: No, no no no no no.

Steve: No, he's gone. He's been hit by a bus. He's dead.

Ricky: Yeah, no he's dead. If the brain's dead, you are dead.

Steve: Clive Warren's dead.

Ricky: And if the brain's not dead, you're not dead!

Karl: No, but it's like people in a coma, they're dead aren't they but the brain isn't dead-

Ricky: No no-

Steve: No no no, they're in a coma.

Ricky: No they're not dead. No, they come out of comas don't they?

Karl: Alright then, he's in a coma. He's been hit by the bus, but the chances are - he's not gonna come out of that coma, but his brain is still awake.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Karl: So, change that. That's easily done.

Ricky: Hold on though. I- I like this fact that he's in a coma, so they're going "Look, he's definitely going to die in this coma. Take the brain out now. Pop the brain out."

Karl: But why's that such a weird thing when that's what they do now? That's what they do now.

Ricky: What is??

Karl: That's what they do.

Ricky: What??

Karl: They do that!

Steve: What!!??

Ricky: What- what- what- what- what- what, a brain transplant?

Karl: No, but when - like, how I - how I've signed that donor card-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If anything happens to me.

Ricky: No no no no, there's no such thing as a brain donor. We've explained t'you before.

Karl: Yeah but they're working on it! They've said something about Einstein. They - they messed about with his brain for ages, trying to work out if it was full of stuff. That's what they're doing! They're working on that. There's loads of things that doctors are doing that we don't know about. I've seen some weird stuff on the internet.

Ricky: (laughing)Yeah, I know you have! Yeah.

Karl: I saw a program on Channel 5 where a monkey brain was still alive and it was stuck on a stick.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: You were watching The Magic Roundabout.

Karl: They poked it, and it reacted.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So it's still alive, it's being kept alive! And it's only a matter of time - what - what's the brain linked up to?

Ricky: The spinal cord-

Karl: As long as you can link it up to the eyes, and somehow so it can tell the arms and legs what to do, you're laughing.

Ricky: I love that! As - imagine a - a team full of doctors going "Well we're going to try to do a brain surgery - Karl - right - Okay! I'm - I'm - I'm going to be quick, cos' I gotta get back, me cousin's fixin' me boiler. Um, as long as you can link this up to the eyes and tell the arms and legs what to do, we're laughing. Cheers Karl, seeya later!"

Steve laughing

Karl: Then, what happens is, they say "Do you want half of his brain in yer head?"

Steve: Half of his brain in her head?

Ricky: She - she said - she says "Definitely not! I'm having you struck off!" She starts screaming, she calls the police, he gets arrested."

Karl: Yeah, but you'd have said that years ago when people can have like someone else's arm put on their body, and stuff.

Ricky snorts.

Steve: Yeah, but he's only in a coma.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No, but he's not going to come out of that c-coma.

Ricky and Steve: Right..

Karl: So - so it's like "This or nothing".

Steve: Right.

Karl: It's like, "Look, you know, what - what are we gonna do here? We can either turn the switch off-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: "Or we can put his head in your head."

Steve: But why would she - why-

Ricky: So - so - what he does - so, what they do then, they're going to take half his brain-

Karl: Half of his brain, take out half of hers -- pop it in place.

Ricky: Why would she do that?

Karl: Because she loves him.

Ricky: But hold on, well no no no wait wait wait wait - what would she then be?

Karl: Because this is what I'm - trying to tell you..

Ricky: Okay, okay, sorry!

Karl: What happens is, he - he explains all this to her, I mean would probably cover about 20 minutes in the film, but I'm just rushing - rushing it-

Steve: I - I'd have switched off, but yeah..

Ricky chuckles.

Karl: No you wouldn't, this - this bit would ave ya. So what-

Steve: Mmm. Well, I'd have actually left when I - I wouldn't have even gone in to see a film starring, uh - Clive Warren and Rebecca De Mornay-

Ricky laughs

Steve: Unless it was 1985!

Ricky laughs harder

Karl: So - so, the thing is.. she's the same as - you, she says the same thing, she goes - "Why would I do that doctor?"

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: And uh.. he goes, "Well what would happen is - he's gone, but you'll - you'll have his thoughts." So, in the morning when you say, "Oh I don't know what to have, will I have Cornflakes?" His bit of the brain will - sort of say-

Steve: Have a Wheatabix.

Karl: Ave Shreaded Wheat, or whatever.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And she's like "Oh yeah, good idea".

Ricky: Sorry! Sorry! So, the point of this film-

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Is that - the dead man can remind her what breakfast cereal she likes?!

Karl: Yeah. So the thought-

Ricky: What do you mean "Yes"?! So that's it, is it?

Karl: No, no no no, that's not the only thing-

Steve: Wait - ooh wait a minute - this is only Act One.

Karl: That - that's just the first bit - everything's going well, she has it done-

Ricky: So - so what Is - Who is she? Is she herself?

Karl: She's Rebecca De Mornay-

Ricky: Yeah. With Clive-

Karl: But - but, now again, with - with him chipping in, with a bit of voice-over. So.. so the idea is - it's all going well at the beginning, she's-

Steve: So she can't decide what she has to wear, he's - he's-

Ricky: So - so she's got - so she's had half of her brain taken out, and put in a bin!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And - and Clive Warren's uh - half has been put in there! So now she's walkin' round.. Okay..

Steve: So she's like a - she's schizophrenic.

Ricky: OR - oh no no - it's okay - no it's okay though, cos' the bit they put into Clive Warren's brain, is actually - you remember is in a coma?

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: So there's nothing happening anyway, don't worry about it. So all she's got is half a brain.

Karl: No no no. No, like I say, the brain is alive - So it's all going well when she leaves hospital.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she gets a first taste of it, and it's a bit weird to get hold of, cos' she's - she's sort of - uh, I think when she signs herself out - he's sort of fighting - writing his name, and stuff. So there's a few sort of - technical things that -

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That she has to get used to.

Steve: And does he - does Clive's brain know that he's now inside her brain?

Ricky: What does he think?!

Karl: Urrmm...

Pause

Karl: Does that matter?

Ricky and Steve chuckle.

Steve: Well, I would say it matters because - otherwise-

Ricky: Yes. Yes, it does matter Karl. What's - what's - what's he thinking?

Steve struggling to find the right words

Ricky: What's the point of all this?! Why has she gone along with this?

Karl: Because she really loves him.

Ricky: But what - but what's in it for him, what does she think-

Karl: Well, say if I died..

Ricky: Yeah..

Karl: And Suzanne said "Go on, I'll have half of Karl's.. right? She would wake up in the morning to a thought of me sort of going "Oh, you never guess what I just thought about, or whatever" - I'd still be there!

Ricky: But - she would never do that.

Karl: It's only physical, innit? The rest of - the - the rest of your body is sort of waste, innit?

Steve: But Karl-

Ricky: "THE-REST-OF-YOUR-BODY-IS-SORT-OF-WASTE.."

Karl: No, it is - kind of, if - when - when someone dies-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's not that person anymore, is it? They're still there physically..

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, you go - you can't have a chat with them. So, if you could have someone's brain in your head when they're dead, you'd have it, wouldn't you?

Ricky: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!! WHY WOULD I HAVE SOMEONE'S BRAIN IN MY HEAD WHEN THEY'RE DEAD?? I'VE GOT A PERFECTLY GOOD BRAIN!!

Karl: Yeah! So - but - but like I said, "You're running on alf". So ave-

Ricky: WHO'S RUNNIN' ON ALF??

Karl: So you're telling me you wouldn't have it done, then?

{[Act:Ricky|Incomprehensible noises as Ricky staggers a response}}

Ricky: COURSE I FUCKING WOULDN'T!!

Steve: I can also categorically state: I wouldn't either.

Karl: Yeah, but you're saying that now. But once you're in that position that someone who - you know, you love an' that, dies. If the doctor said, "D'you want it?"

Ricky: NO!! I'D GO "NO!!" IT'S MADNESS!! IT'S MADNESS!!

Karl: I don't think you would.

Steve: Alright alright alright alright - let me just ask this as a question - even if we accept that this is a possibility: Does - if - If Clive Warren doesn't know-

Karl sighs

Ricky chuckles

Steve: That he's in Rebecca's brain, their love and the conversations they used to have, and what - the connection between them, is going to be absent - because she's going to be talking to him, and he's just going to be going (lazily)"I don't know, Shredded Wheat?"

Karl: It's all thought, she doesn't have to talk-

Steve: So they're not talking to one another?

Karl: Well, they are, but not out loud. She's not walking down the corridor going "What do you think, Clive?".. and - and he's saying "Shredded Wheat". It's - it's just - it's happening.

Steve: Right. But how is this dramatically portrayed on the screen? Do we hear those voices?

Ricky: So - so they're - so now they - they've got half-

Karl: Yeah, you hear the voices.

Ricky: You ear the voices?

Karl: You hear the voices. So anyway-

Ricky: So tell me a bit - tell me a typical bit of dialogue.

Karl: Urm, well we've done the Breakfast scene.

Steve: That was dynamite! That's fucking Oscar winning!

Ricky: Yeah, okay yeah. Yeah. Yeah, let's do - can we do lunch?

Ricky licks lips hungrily

Karl: Urm, then maybe like at the funeral - cos' even though the brain is still alive, they still ave the funeral, and you can have like a funny bit where they're stood around the grave, and like there's some relation there who he doesn't like, and she can start laughing - and the family are lookin' at her going "Why is she laughing?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she's sort of laughing, and he's saying something a bit rude going "Look at her head!" Do you know what I mean?

Steve: "Looks like a fucking orange..."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (laughing)Little cameo for you.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: And uh, so you ave all that, and people are sort of liking the film thinking "Oh it's quite funny this!"

Ricky and Steve: Mmm. Yeah.

Steve: (laughing)The eight people that have gone to see it!

Ricky: (laughing)Yeah! Rebecca De Mornay, and her family. Clive Warren's three mates..

Steve: (laughing)Y-yeah!

Ricky: "Alright Clive, I didn't know you were a film star!" "Nor did I, I was workin' in a garage yesterday!"

Steve: Yeah, I was fixin' boilers!

Ricky bursts out laughing

Karl: So anyway, this is where you get em'.

Ricky: (laughing)It's the most - oh, it is the most ludicrous idea for a film I've ever heard!

Steve: Alright alright alright-

Ricky: It is the MADDEST!! It's - honestly - it really is the ramblings of a mental case!

Steve: I have to say, though. I have to say though, I am hooked now - I want to know what's going to happen next in the story.

Ricky: Ohh.. Christ.

Karl: Remember, I was makin' all this up.

Ricky snorts.

Steve: It's not based on a true story then?

Ricky bursts out laughing.

Ricky: "Remember"! Imagine if he said that in a meeting! "Remember, I'm makin' all this up." And they go, "Oh right, oh okay - I thought, oh.."

Steve: "Oh, I thought - oh..". So the meeting's still going on? They haven't left at this point?

Karl: No no, they - they were sort of going "Oh right yeah." But what annoyed me-

Ricky: "CHECK PLEASE. CHECK PLEASE."

Karl: That's the annoying thing, it was like - I just wondered this is what they do just so they can have a cake every day at four o' clock. Cos'-

Ricky snorts.

Karl: It was odd. I can't imagine Speilberg sort of nipping down to Costa Coffee to discuss E.T..

Ricky bursts out laughing.

Karl: So ah - so I said - so I said "Right, so this is where you get em', you've got everyone laughing", and that's what it's all about with a film innit? It's emotions - messing with people's emotions, an that.

Ricky: Oh God. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So they liked that, they were like "Yeah, it is, yeah!"

Ricky: Yeah. "Oh, there's a whole new - oh, your outlook to film-making.."

Karl: That's me - that's me mouth comin' out with stuff that even I didn't know I knew.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky bursts out laughing.

Karl: So then I said em.. I said, "Right, then what happens is: She hears the voice go "Leslie, where are you?", or something.""

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Her name's not 'Leslie'.

Ricky and Steve: No.

Karl: So she's thinking "Who's 'Leslie'?"

Ricky: Yeah(!)

Karl: So in her mind, she's going "Who's Leslie?"

Ricky chuckles.

Karl: He's going "Oop."

Steve: He - she - so he's - he's thought "Oh hang on, I've let something slip."

Karl: "I've let something slip." So she's going "Answer me!" He goes quiet on her!

Ricky: Oohh! Oohh!!

Karl: So..

Ricky: He's - he was havin' an affair?

Karl: This is - this is the thing. So she's trying to hunt down..

Ricky: Leslie.

Karl: Leslie!

Ricky: And he's got to stop her thinking it.

Karl: Then what happens is, I mean you know-

Ricky: "WHEATABIX!"

Pause

Steve: So he's got to hunt down Leslie?

Karl: So he's got - she - she's got to hunt down Leslie.

Ricky: Umm.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And um.. that - that can fill about 'alf an hour again, I'm not sure-

Ricky: I love the fact that you're doing it how far you've got through the film.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah. You've got to fill up t-two hours, right?

Karl: Right.

Ricky: "Do one more idea, we'll call it 'alf hour, that's the end of the film - seeya later! - Starring Clive Warren!"

Steve chuckles

Ricky: "Nice to see Rebecca Me Mornay again, wern't it?" "Yeah!"

Steve: So - so.. So Leslie uh.. So Leslie - has gotta be sort out. It's a woman, is it, another - Lesie, or is it-

Karl: It's another woman.

Steve: Right.

Karl: But what 'appens is, I mean - without ruining the end for everyone.. What would sort of 'appen is-

Ricky giggles

Steve: Oh yeah cos' we - we don't want to ruin it for them, cos' they'll-

Ricky snickers

Steve: This'll be - the - this'll be filling the Multiplexes in no-time.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. This film's definitely going to be made!

Steve: Oh this is definitely gonna get made.

Ricky: Yeaaaaah.

Karl: But seriously, eh - isn't any any - pick - pick a massive Hollywood film, and look at it on paper, and go.. "That's a barmy idea."

Ricky: Casablanca.

Karl: Haven't seen it...

Ricky: Okay...

Karl: So what I'm saying is.. What happens-

Steve: That's why they called on him - as a movie expert.

Ricky: Yeah. This - this is a different sort of love triangle. They've all got their own brains and legs and stuff, walkin' round interacting, normally.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But that's just it. It's - it's - it's - it's the power of love, innit - in a way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But sorry - I - I mean, I don't want seem-

Ricky: No, it's the greatest love story ever told - set in a head!

Steve chuckles

Karl: But listen. Let's just get to the end.

Steve: I - hang on a sec though Karl. I don't- yeah, you've gotta tell us the end. I don't think you can let people listening hanging on waiting for the film.

Ricky: No come on. Come on, what's the end? Just let your mouth talk..

Karl: Right. So what I said was, I said "Maybe" - cos' I wasn't sure about this end bit. I thought they - they might think it's daft, or whatever..

Ricky: Go on. You're putting yourself down, I - I imagine it's dynamite, go on.

Karl: I said "Maybe you could 'ave something like this.." And uhh, they were there sort of going "Oh yeah, WHAT - what's it going to be, what's it going to be..?"

Steve: Transfixed.

Ricky: "Yeah well - well he's come up with some great stuff at the moment."

Karl: What 'appens is - his brain..

Ricky: Hmm.

Karl: Is more powerful than hers.

Steve: Right, how is - now - why - how is there power? I don't - why is there power involved?

Ricky: (muttering)It's got a stronger will, it's...

Karl: What I mean is - the brain-

Ricky: Hmm.

Karl: Her brain was runnin' the rest of her body.

Steve: Hmm. Now he's takin' over-

Karl: His brain - his brain's just sat there, innit, thinking stuff.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Brilliant..

Karl: So that's - that get's more powerful-

Ricky: Hmm.

Karl: And overrules her body.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: She -- then fancies.. Leslie.

Pause

Steve: So it's a Lesbian film?

Ricky: So - hold on, this is building up to a Lesbian - love - so - what the -- what?!

Steve chuckles

Karl: Well, it's trendy innit, that. So just have a bit of that at the end.. and..

Ricky: That is the worst idea, I have ever heard, for any piece of Art(!) I mean, it's the wor- it would be the worst - it would be the worst T.V. show, worst book, wor- worst everything.

Pause

Ricky: It's the worst idea-

Karl: It's not the worst idea, cos' as long as a film - as long as a film makes you think..

Steve: But this doesn't make us think about anything...

Ricky: I'm thinking, "Who the fuck's Clive Warren?"

Steve chuckles

Ricky: So, hold on. So - he overpowers her.. so she is now -- a Lesbian. What's Leslie gettin' out of this, why does Leslie think "Hold on. Why is - why is my dead lover's wife coming onto me?"

Karl: Because - Because this is what I'm saying to ya.. It's - r-relationships.. It's the love of two brains...

Ricky: Right, okay, again - can anyone out there - can we make that into a - that's a quote! "Relationships.. is a love of two brains."

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Now, he's got something there! He's got something there!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: But my point is this: Why is Leslie suddenly turned Lesbian?

Karl: Because she loves the brain.

Ricky: But - is she - does she know this is Clive Warren...?

Karl: Urm... well, maybe - maybe know and again -- Rebecca.. or Clive.. says something - Rebecca will say something now and again - like - "Oh, I like - me -"

Ricky: "Minge."

Steve laughs

Karl: I like me - you know - me food done like this, or whatever.. and - and -- It's all about, say - say if like Suzanne-

Steve: "Cooked. I like my food cooked."

Ricky laughs

Steve: (laughing)"Wait a minute, Clive Warren liked his food cooked!"

Ricky: Yeah, "Hold on - I'm 'aving two minds about this bacon."

Steve: Yeah! "I'm going to turn into a Lesbian!..~"

Ricky: "Shredded Wheat..."

Karl: What - what I mean is - People - People like what they like.

Ricky: Ooh.

Karl: And it's the same way like I've said to you before with - someone - who's been going out with a woman, and then - he's found out that she's got a twin sister - and they divorce that first twin, and go out with the other twin. It's all the same, you're after the same thing, aren't ya..?

Steve: Yes, but that-

Karl: When a cat dies, you buy another one..

Ricky chuckles

Karl: It's the same thing - you want that same.. Love to something.

Steve: Yes, but you don't necessarily switch your sexual orientation. In the case of your twin scenario, they both looked the same!

Ricky: Yeah. Is - is - is - is there ever been one where um - it's uh - twin Boy and Girl - going - "Well I was goin' out wit' her, but I mean, he looks a bit like her.."

Steve: Yeah. "I loved boobs, now I like cock."

Ricky snickers

Karl: Well...

Ricky: This is your problem; you don't know anything. And this theory about if your mouth talks enough, the brain will kick in soon - it hasn't!

Pause

Happy Slapped by a Jellyfish

Steve: Rick you may be interested to know-

Ricky: Hm.

Steve: -that Karl Pilkington - basically thanks to the efforts of your good self-

Ricky: Hm.

Steve: -in making him into a household name-

Ricky: Hm.

Steve: -has got a book deal. And, there's a book that'll be coming out later in the year, called 'Happy Slapped by a Jellyfish'-

Karl: Hm.

Steve: -by Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: What's that about Karl?

Steve: What's the uh - what's the angle? Is it a novel?

Karl: Well again I was just lettin' me mouth sort of think and whathaveyou, just churning stuff out, and I was thinkin' about holidays that I've been on, cos' they always say "write about what you know", and stuff.

Ricky: Hm.

Karl: So I thought, well I've been on a few holidays...

Ricky: Hm.

Karl: Erm... write about em'. I actually thought about it when I was on holiday.

Ricky: Is it a real - is it like a travel book then? It's your experiences?

Karl: It's just like uhh... like a rough guide.

Ricky: And have - and have you done it? Have you done - have you finished the the-

Karl: Yeah I've just gotta do some pictures and that and colour them in. And then it's done.

Ricky: When's that out? October?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So you say it's a travel book, um, and yet I've managed to get a hold of a few pages, um...

Ricky titters

Steve: ...and this chapter is titled 'Australia'. So-

Ricky: You've never been to Australia.

Karl: No I know. Well - well it's not-

Steve: Well it's not - how is it a travel guide?

Karl: It's not - it's not like 'Wish You Were Here'-type thing. It's - it's just saying - 'If you're going away, think about it'.

Steve: Right...

Karl: It's just asking people to sort of think about-

Ricky: Well why don't they just let their mouth do the thinking, why do their-

Karl: No but just just have a read of, of like, my thoughts, and you-

Ricky: Okay let's have a read then.

Steve: But you don't know anything about Australia because you've never been.

Karl: No but - but exactly! So I'm sayin' - "I've never been. This is why I've never been. Is this why you've never been?"

Ricky: Well that that makes no sense at all. Makes no sense at all, it's a pointless book.

Karl: It's not a pointless book.

Ricky: Well let's okay-

Steve: Sorry and you thought it was going to be what?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right, can we read a bit of it then?

Steve clears his throat

Steve: So this is the chapter entitlted 'Australia'. "Box jellyfish; crocodiles; snakes; blue-ring octopus; redback spiders; funnel-web spiders; great white sharks. Just some of the reasons that put me off going to Australia."

Ricky laughs and seal claps

Steve: "Every creature is bigger and angrier than anywhere else on the world."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: "I put it down to two things. One: it could either be because spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks. The world is one big rock. Australia is at the bottom of the big rock. And they're trying to hide under it."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Karl you are a maniac! You're-

Karl: It's just thinking about it. Thinkin' about where spiders go and that. And that works, don' it?

Ricky: No!

Karl: Why doesn't that work like a rock?

Ricky: Because there's no real upsidedown and bottom of the Earth is it. It's all relative to what? It's relative to what - some map you saw?

Karl: Well it's a coincidence innit?

Ricky: Alright okay read on.

Steve: "I've heard that a lot of people go camping in Australia, which I think's mental. If I was to fly all that way I'd want a decent bed-"

Ricky: Hm.

Steve: "Plus I wouldn't be camping in a place where there are killer spiders wandering around."

Ricky: I agree.

Steve: "I've only been camping a few times, and each time I was glad when it was over. The last time was last year in Lyme Regis."

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: When'd you go camping in Lyme Regis?

Karl: Last year. It's alight Lyme Regis. But it - it was all a bit of a nightmare cos' I was going with me mate. And uh, he said he knew someone who knew knew someone who had a bit of land, in the garden.

Ricky: Hm.

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Who had a bit of land in the garden?

Ricky: What's the point though innit? You know you're camp - what's the point of camping in someone's garden where there's a sort of a spa down the road, and like a pub?

Karl: No because you're by the sea aren't ya. It's getting away from it all, seeing the world.

Ricky: It's not if you're in someone's front garden!

Karl: No, back.

Ricky: Oh, sorry.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Well there's even less to see except three fences.

Karl: No but it's private innit. So the thing is, he said "Oh it's a great garden. Uh the - the owners are away-"

Ricky: Hm. Getting away from it all innit, yeah.. hm.

Karl: "-and there's a toilet, an outside toilet that they have for like when they have parties and stuff." So we get there. And this lad who knew about this bit of land...

Steve: Someone's back garden.

Karl: Well yeah. Uh, said "Oh you can't use it they haven't gone on holiday."

Steve chuckles

Ricky: So now you're stuck in the middle of a - quite a big civilized conurbation called Lyme Regis. What - how are you going to survive!

Karl: Well we ended up just sort of kipping on the beach.

Ricky: Hm.

Steve: Did you pitch your tent on the beach?

Karl: Put the tent on the beach. We found a bit of - see, we we found somewhere where there was a load of rubbish. So we thought-

Ricky: Oh nice! Oh lovely!

Steve: That's the place to go! Yeah, a municipal tip.

Ricky: What was it, was was it chemical waste or just like, you know-

Steve: Was it just syringes and uh, baby diapers? Sure.

Karl: No just Coke cans and stuff.

Ricky: Oh lovely! Rusty? Was somethin' rusty?

Karl: But but listen though, you've got to think about that... If there's rubbish there, it means it was a good place to camp.

Ricky and Steve: Why?

Karl: Cos' other people have camped there.

Steve: Right...

Karl: So that's how you've got to look at it. It's like, it's a way - that's like a little tip of-

Ricky: I would love this to be a real guide. Um, first thing-

Steve: So so you could have slept in a public lavatory.

Ricky: Yeah yeah! "This one's nice. What? It's covered in shit! It means other people have had a shit here!"

Steve: "Welcome to our five star hotel. You'll notice vomit all over the fucking walls."

Ricky: "So that means people have had a good time here, they've got right pissed up and threw their lungs up."

Ricky titters

Karl: So that's that's where we put down the tent. We uh, put down the tent there. And then what was annoying is-

Ricky: Some people put up a tent. He puts down a tent...

Steve: Yeah...

Karl: We uh, whatshername, we uh-

Steve: It was already up! They carried it all the way from London-

Ricky: It was already up! They carried it all the way there and went "Let's pack it down".

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uh, the weird thing was, soon as we set up some other people turned up.

Ricky: Ah, they saw the rubbish tip.

Ricky titters

Ricky: Holiday-makers, they uh - that was probably in the guide book.

Karl: They started setting up their tent, and so we were like (sigh)...

Ricky: No! Nearer the - look there's some nappies over there! Nearer the nappies.

Karl: And um... they offered us some sausages.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: Me mate said "Oh ignore them. That's like code, for uh.. swingers."

Steve: What!?

Ricky exclaims in bafflement

Steve: What, so there were some people, cooking some sausages-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -saying "Would you like a sausages, we've made too much?", and you said "No that's code for swingers"...

Karl: It's just that thing, don't talk to strangers. It's like, we want to get away from it all-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -we don't want someone.. you know it starts off with sausages donnit, and then before you know it...

Ricky: Sorry sorry but but what do these people look like?

Karl: Er, there were about 45.

Ricky: Who were they though?

Karl: A man and a woman.

Ricky: A man and a woman, so what was in it for the bloke?

Karl: Er, some people like that don't they? I don't know.

Ricky: That means they they say, "Right I want the bald one, love".

Steve chuckles

Ricky: If if it's like 'Wife Swapping', shouldn't - shouldn't one of you be a wife?

Karl: No but, I don't I don't know all the rules and that. But ah...

Steve: He's just got a real thing for fucking oranges.

Karl: And we didn't want any sausages anyway. So we just sort of said-

Ricky: I don't believe 'sausages'-

Ricky and Steve: -is a code for swingers.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I don't, I - cos' eventually - how many times do they give someone sausages, and they go "Well get your pants off then", and they go "What do you mean we're just havin' some sausages", and they go "Oh this isn't working this code. We need a better code."

Karl: But why would there be - why would we be being offered sausages?

Steve: Because they're nice people and they're making sausages(!)

Karl: Ehh. Makes you wonder. Anyway-

Steve: We don't - Let's not trust these people, let's move our tent closer to the corpse!

Ricky laughs

Karl: So ah, so yeah that was the camping.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: "I think I'd quite like to meet some proper aborigines. It amazes me that these people still live like cavemen did years ago. They waste nothing. They have a use for everything. I saw some pictures in the paper about some tribe somewhere who chucked their spears at a helicopter that tried to land close to them. If the tribe got annoyed with you, they would let you know that they were annoyed by shaking their knob at you."

Karl: That's what they do.

Ricky: Oh God, Oh God...!

Karl: See that's that's like a proper guide - thing. Just in case you ever meet one and they start doin' that.

Steve: Karl just ends that chapter by saying, "I don't know what the women do if they get annoyed."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh God, Oh God...!

Steve: Within this new Karl book of course, there are extracts from his famous diary. Uh, this is -- you've actually been to Madeira, have you?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay so this a bit more factual - factually acturate informative chapter on Madeira. "September 30th. Going away with Suzanne's mam and dad. We're meeting them at Madeira airport, as they're flying in from Manchester. The plane was full and I had a headache. There was a baby sat behind us that was crying it's eyes for the whole flight."

Ricky groans

Steve: The mother of it said it was upset cos' it's ears were hurting. So were mine.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh haha, Ohh God, Ohh hoho...

Steve: "We had to get two cabs to the villa cos' they couldn't fit five of us into one. It cost €85 each."

Ricky scoffs

Steve: That's just whinging. That's not anythin'.

Karl: That's dear though innit'. That's a dear way to - I mean we haven't even done anything-

Ricky: But that's not (a) good because they don't know how far that was!

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: They don't know if that's rip-off or how, you know-

Karl: It's just lettin' you know that-

Ricky: What! You didn't let us know what the distance was! If it was - if it was a mile it's a rip-off. If it was 25 miles, it's a bargain!

Karl: Taxis are dear! And you know you can't get five of you in one cab. It's all little little things that might help you on a journey.

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: "Suzanne's dad said he liked the free biscuits that were in the cupboard. We went to try and find-"

Ricky: Sorry this isn't useful as a guide book at all. That is absolutely inane - you know, they go, "Oh this a guide book let's have a look, Oh "Suzanne's dad liked the free biscuits in the cupboard." I imagine people complaining that when they go to, "There's no free biscuits in this cupboard!"

Steve: "We went to try to find a supermarket. Suzanne's mam was having a go at her dad cos' he'd - cos' he didn't have a shirt on."

Ricky scoffs

Steve: "She says he looks a mess and is embarassed to be seen with him. It's their Ruby anniversary tomorrow."

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's why we went away.

Ricky: Oh yeah(?)

Steve: "I bought a fan to put in our room to drown out the sound of the mopeds. I've heard Wayne Rooney does the same thing with a vacuum cleaner." What?! To drown out the sound of vacuum cleaners? Or he - puts a vacuum cleaner in his room to drown out the sound of the mopeds?

Karl: He - No, if if you've just got a noise - if you've just got a noise, erm.. that's constant - it makes you nod off. And it drowns out every other background noise. So all you've got is like - if it's a vacc it's just:

Karl immitates a vacuum cleaner noise

Karl: And if that's constant for like all night, you just nod off.

Ricky: Hm. People next door going, "They've got their vacuum cleaner on again, put on the JCB!"

Ricky immitates a JCB machine noise

Ricky: People next door goin', "They've got the JCB on, get the get -- poke poke the chickens!"

Ricky immitates chicken squawking noises

Steve: That's how nuclear war start.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: It works.

Ricky: Doesn't work.

Steve: "We watched-"

Ricky: Earplugs! Earplugs! Drown out everything.

Karl: I've tried them. I didn't like it did I.

Ricky: Why not?

Karl: Cos' I could hear me heartbeat.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh you're such a strange little creature. Oh...

Steve: "We watched Jerry Maguire in Spanish. Suzanne wanted to go to bed, but I just said I wanted to hear the "Show Me The Money!" line in Spanish to see if it's as catchy. It wasn't. October 3rd:-"

Ricky: Sorry, sorry. Is it Portuguese or Spanish, what-

Steve: I don't know what - where they're - what they're speaking in this country.

Karl: Madeira.

Steve: So it's Spanish and Portuguese, is it?

Ricky: It's Portuguese, innit?

Karl: Uhh (sigh), I think there's a mix. I think you get people going on holiday-

Ricky: It's Portuguese I think.

Karl: Yeah but you get Spanish people going there. So-

Ricky: Oh okay..

Steve: So they sometimes show television programmes for holiday - for possible Spanish holidaymakers, is that what you're saying? Or have you just got this factually inacurate because it's a load of old toss?!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh God, amazing... Ohh...!

Steve: "October 3rd. Didn't do much this morning..." Just think about this - Just think about this-

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why would you put it in! As a guide book!

Steve: As a holiday - Just think about this next line-

Ricky: Judith Chalmers: "What happened?" "Not a lot". Hrm.

Steve: Think about this Rick, as a description of a holiday.

Ricky: Right, okay. Okay.

Steve: Okay? As Karl said "He likes to go travelling, it broadens the mind" and that (kind of) thing. This is what he did. This is - he's there with his family, he's in Madeira.

Ricky: Yeah. Right.

Steve: "Didn't do much this morning. Just sat by the pool, saving insects that flew into it."

Ricky wheezes laughing

Ricky: Oh I'm gonna die. Like fucking Noah! That's like-

Steve: How were you saving them? Did you wait for them to hit the water, then fish them out? Or you grabbed them in the air?

Karl: Just see their legs going.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh ho God...!

Karl: Stuck me finger on the top. They grabbed on. Lifted it off.

Ricky: And what, when they - like a - some sort of insect lifeguard. You'd see summit' landing and then you'd, "Right that's me"-

Ricky immitates 'The A-Team' theme tune

Ricky: -and you'd go in there?

Karl: But it's hard to turn a sort of a blind eye to stuff like that, cos' you know that something - you know, you're witnessing death. And if you can save something, you do don't ya, you do yer bit. And at night I'd sort of think - "Ave they learned their lesson, or will they be back, and will they be dead in here tomorrow?", but if they can in an extra day, I've done me bit. I can't do more than that. I'm on holiday, do yer bit. I'm lucky enough to see the world, do yer bit.

Ricky scoffs

Ricky: I love it.

Karl: I did me bit.

Ricky: I love it! I love it. I love the fact that he was running around saving flies and things..

Steve: It's just something - there's something so sort of-

Ricky: Meanwhile, an old lady drowned! While he was saving a beetle...

Steve: Yeah. There's something so kind of - I don't know, desperately existential about your diary, that's what's so extraordinary about it.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Steve: As he says, "I just sat by the pool saving insects that flew into it. It was full of death."

Ricky: Ohh ho God..!

Steve: It's just so, it's so depressing, and so-

Karl: Alright..

Steve: We walked around the shops. Suzanne's dad bought two packets of the biscuits he liked, to take back home with him. Suzanne's mam bought a tin of corned beef. It was a bit of a boring day today.

Ricky: Jesus..

Steve: There was a dead bird out the back.

Ricky: Aww no..(!) Where were you Karl?!

Steve: Suzanne's dad said it looked like it had flown into a wall and killed itself.

Ricky: No I think it had caught a few insects but they were covered in chlorine so it - poisoned it.

Steve: Loads of ants were eating it.

Ricky: Ohh God..

Steve: I dug a hole under a tree and buried it. The ants were still all hanging around the scene of the death ages after the burial. Suzanne's dad said I should have left the bird for the ants to eat cos' I was messing up the foodchain. I felt bad, so I gave the ants some bread crumbs...

Ricky: This is weird. This is really weird.

Steve: This is just so dark.

Karl: There's good bread out there though, innit? I should've put that.

Steve: We have to eat all the food we've got cos' we're going tomorrow. Suzanne's mam cut her finger opening the corned beef tin and fainted.

Ricky scoffs

Ricky: Sorry, this is really weird. Why do you have to eat all the food??

Steve: Isn't this like, what's that film, the uh 'Amityville Horror', where there's a haunted house, and there's dead insects and ghostly children walking through the corridors. Old people fainting. Insects. "I'm just saving the insects, mother."

Karl: No but - But you always eat all the food, that's that's in the fridge before you go home, don't ya? It's all there to be be eaten. She bought some pikelets. Which, I've never - never had em'.

Ricky: What?

Karl: They're like squashed crumpets.

Ricky: Right okay, start again.

Karl sighs

Ricky: Start that whole thing again. She bought some what?

Karl: Some pikelets.

Ricky: Pikelets? Yeah.

Karl: Yeah. And I didn't like em' cos' they're not as fat as crumpets.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ho oh God, it's like a different language.

Karl: Didn't eat em', and it was a big upheaval because, like - I was going home and - and her dad kept trying to sneak them into our bags.

Ricky scoffs

Ricky: Smuggling!

Karl: Cos' it's like, they were for you, you take them. We don't want your stuff in - in our house. Once - cos' he gets a bit funny about stuff being left over. There's bins you can't put certain stuff in. There's a bin in the lounge, and a put a tangerine peel in it and he goes, "That sort of stuff does not go in that bin!"

Ricky scoffs

Karl: I said "It's rubbish." "Yeah, but it's not the right sort of rubbish."

Steve: Someone will camp next to it(!)

Ricky: Yeah yeah! We want to get a - a better class of camper. Ohh... That's the book. It's called 'Happy Slapped by a Jellyfish'-

Karl: Yeah that's from one of the chapters in it.

Ricky: -By Karl Pilkington. Get that soon.

Steve: Particularly if you're thinking of visiting uh, Madeira or Australia.

Ricky: Yeah.

Finish

Ricky: Well that's about it um, thanks for listening um, to this. If you enjoyed this and you haven't heard the, the others, there's a - we've got the whole um - all three series on iTunes. You can go and download those, uh...

Steve: 'The Ricky Gervais Show', is that what it's called?

Ricky: It's called 'The Ricky Gervais Show', yeah. Um, Karl's also made a programme for me, Steve. Um, on my um FAME DVD -- out in November. Um... it's called 'FAME'. So, I thought of a little subtitle -- 'FAME - I'm gonna live forever!' Remember that guy we met who's gonna live forever? Called Howard?

Steve: Oh yeah. Yeah!

Ricky: That was a meeting of minds. And it's um, it's it's Karl meeting Howard. And it's it's-

Karl: Got on with him.

Ricky: It's really good innit? It's really good. And um, they do - he he really gets on with him. And um we're probably gonna do a new series of the podcast maybe next year watcha think Karl? If you're not too busy making this film - with Clive Warren.

Karl: Uhh.. we'll see how it goes. Don't don't plan anything.

Ricky: Go- Yeah, just check out uh, rickygervais.com. I am Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant-

Steve: Goodbye.

Ricky: -And... Karl.

Karl: Alright.