Karlology Blog Week 3

Karlology Blog September 2008 - November 2008 List of entries

Entries: Week 1 - 8 September 2008 Week 2 - 15 September 2008 Week 3 - 22 September 2008 Week 4 - 29 September 2008 Week 5 - 6 October 2008 Weeks 6-7 - 14 October 2008 Weeks 8-10 - 30 October 2008

This week features some more moaning from Karl. This time it's about London, money and David Blaine.

September 22nd, 2008

Questions

Did an interview to promote me new book. It was good cos the questions were more interesting than normal.

• Do you think aliens exist? Ever seen a UFO?

I think they must. The universe is massive so it can’t just be us pottering about in it can it. Years and years ago I think I did see something whizzing about but I guess the UFOs won’t be spotted as much these days as they can probably go faster than they could in the 70’s, just like our cars can.

• If you could have a magic power, what would you choose, and why?

I’ve always thought superpowers are hassle and would never want one. You never have anytime to yourself. All the people who have them are never happy, look at the Hulk. Always angry when he had his power turned on, yet was a nice fella without it. I think invisibility is the worse one. It would be really depressing and hard to get anything done. I think it’s more of a disability if anything. There is a fish that is see through as well as being blind. That’s no existence is it. If you can’t see and no one can see you, what is the point of existing?

I’ve just looked on the internet to see if there are any superpowers that I wouldn’t mind having and I struggled to find some. Climbing walls like Spiderman doesn’t appeal to me, flying would be alright but I reckon I’d get fat pretty quick cos walking is the only sport I do these days. Even though bees have legs they never seem to use them and end up flying everywhere and look how fat they are. I might like to do a bit of Shapeshifting for a bit. That’s when you can change into anything you. Only problem is, I doubt I’d ever go back to being me.

September 23rd, 2008

London

I’ve moaned in the past about how London doesn’t have enough useful shops. It’s alright if you want a coffee or a panini, but isn’t that good when you’re after other stuff. I went out yesterday to try and find some special key for my jigsaw so I could change the blade on it. I couldn’t find a shop that sold them yet I found a shop that sells stuff for doctors and surgeons. There was only one customer in there. It had a skeleton in the shop window along with a metal knee joint, a plastic boney foot and one of them charts with letters on that go from big to tiny for eye doctors to use when testing your sight. I nipped in and asked if they sold the tool I needed. My thinking was that doctors might use similar tools to my jigsaw when removing legs. They didn’t sell them.

A woman surgeon bought a carrier bag full of stuff. She was wearing them light blue pajamas that surgeons wear. I think they wear them cos they work so many hours that when they get home, having the pajamas as a uniform means they can go straight to bed, plus if they are on call means they can get out of bed and head straight to work I went outside and stood back and tested each of my eyes for free on the eye chart. I think I got them all correct. I know my long distance sight is good as I can see the moon and that’s good enough for me. It’s only on cloudy nights when I think ‘is it cloudy or are my eyes buggered?.’ Even though my eyes are good I’m still having problems finding a shop that sells the key I need for my jigsaw.

September 24th, 2008

Whales

Whales aren’t happy at the moment cos there’s too much noise in the sea which is a bit of a cheek when whales are actually the loudest animal on the World. Their noises can be heard for miles. When I had a free face rub a few years ago, the woman put a CD on of Whale noises. I asked her to turn it off cos it was annoying me. She told me it was one of the most beautiful relaxing noises on the planet. I said “I’m sure it is, if you’re swimming with them but a cd recording is just noise.” It’s like how I don’t mind the buzz from a fly if I’m sat in a field somewhere, but when a blue bottle is buzzing round the flat it does me head in. There’s a time and a place for everything. Plus the noise could be whales moaning for all we know. It always sounds more like a moan to me. I’m not a fan of classical music cos there’s no words so a whale warbling on with itself is never going to win me over.

Have a listen to the racket they make here:

The face rub woman took the Whale CD off and put some ‘Best of Pan Pipes’ CD on instead which was just as annoying. I don’t know why music had to be on. I reckon peoples ears are busier than ever now. The world is a lot nosier cos we use noise to drown out other peoples noise.

The headaches whales are getting are probably caused by us cos we’re saving everything that swims in the sea. We’ve cut back on catching cod, we save the whales, stopped people eating dolphins and told people not to use cheap carrier bags anymore as they were being chucked in the sea and were choking turtles. It’s bound to be busier in the sea which means more noise. And everything that we’ve saved are probably making more noise to drown out the noise from the whales. Like I’ve said before, you solve one problem, you create another.

September 25th, 2008

Money

I had another look at some of the facts you’ve sent in for the ‘Learn Me Something’ section of the blog. There is more stuff about ants:

“There are an estimated 10,000 trillion ants on earth – roughly 1.6 million ants for every person.”

I heard the other day that the new Manchester City football club owners have so much money that they could give every living thing on the world £100 each. Hundred pounds doesn’t go far these days. It was my birthday the other day so I went out with me Mam and Dad and two other relations and bought some dinner and drinks. I ordered two ham buttys, one beef and onion, one tuna and mayonnaise, a couple of cheese and six lagers and it came to £75. I didn’t really enjoy it either as I swapped my ham butty for me Dads beef as he wasn’t happy with it cos it wasn’t cooked enough for him. I thought it would be less hassle to swap than to complain. It took me ages to eat it. I’d still be there now if my dentist had got his way and removed my wisdom teeth. If the Man City owners did decide to give their money away to every living thing I reckon that piece of beef would have been eligible. But anyway, it just goes to show how £100 goes nowhere these days. You could make more from selling your 1.6 million ants.

September 26th, 2008

HAIR RAISING STUNT

I’ve only just heard the news about David Blaine hanging upside down for 60 hours. I’ve watched the news all week and had heard nothing about his latest stunt. I put it down to the fact that people are harder to impress these days. I reckon people would now booo Jesus feeding thousands of people with fish and bread cos there was no pudding for afters.

I think the problem is, David did his stunts in the wrong order. He did the most impressive stunts first. He should have started with the hanging upside down stunt years ago, moved onto his being buried alive for seven days stunt, and then his ‘Frozen in Time’ stunt when he stayed inside a block of ice stunt for 63 hours.

Even Jesus knew he had to step it up each time. He started by healing the sick, then turned water into wine, and then he did the biggy, he rose from the dead. Even I hung upside down once.

I was also nearly frozen in time one winter when my boiler first started playing up.