24 November 2001/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 24 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Happy Birthday Steve

Song: Sum 41 - In Too Deep.

Ricky: Sum 41 and "In Too Deep", if you're listening now you're in too deep. It's the Ricky Gervais show - run for the hills!

Steve: Classic...with Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Whose birthday it is today. Yeah, so what if someone'd never listened before and they heard that link? They're thinking "great - it's proper radio, at last". Xfm 104.9 just gone five past one. Steve, do you want some great music today?

Steve: I'd love to hear some great music today.

Ricky: I've brought in some good stuff, I've brought in Oasis, we've got Radiohead, we've got some Dre, got some Elbow, got some Jimmy Webb- I'm looking forward to that, you know we're keeping it real.

Steve: Absolutely

Ricky: I've got Charlatans I've got Nirvana

Steve: Any Sade?

Ricky: There's no Sade. I've been looking thru the library and I have found 4 Non Blondes.

Steve: Brilliant, looking forward to that later Rick. Karl it was you that worked out the maths and worked out I was 28, 'cos they've just worked out I'm 27.

Ricky: You are 27.

Karl: No way.

Steve: I asked you, didn't I, and I said...

Karl: No, what I questioned was, if you're 27 today, that means last week you were 26.

Steve: Well, well done, yeah, that's irrelevant, so therefore you assumed that I must be 28 then.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Whereas I assumed you were using, you know, your knowledge of maths, such as it is.

Karl: No, I wouldn't do that.

Steve: Sure sure.

Ricky: Wow, I actually got lost in that conversation, cos I genuinely didn't know what he meant with "last week you were 26" - I don't know what that meant

Steve: I don't know what that meant.

Ricky: Wow - well it is Steve's birthday.

Karl: He would have been 26 last week.

Ricky: Ah - sometimes, you genuinely frighten me, because it's those staring eyes, there's nothing behind them, it's just a little bald head, looks like Davros, looking at me, genuine, just genuine fear on his face when he enters into a conversation with another human being.

Karl: But, what bit don't you understand? If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26 - he didn't look 26 last week, and he looks older than 28 today.

Ricky: You've started on him... on his birthday, still having a go at him.

Steve: Karl, I don't look like the hot stud that I actually am, but face facts, that's the truth mate.

Ricky: Yeah, live with it.

Steve: get with the programme, jeez.

Ricky: Well erm, let's have a little bit of Cake.

Steve: ok - oh that's appropriate.

Ricky: See what I did.

Steve: oh you mean the band don't you, not the cake - you haven't actually bought a cake have you? Got anything at all, or?

Song: Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket.

The Wartime Speeches of Winston Churchill

Ricky: Cake, Short skirt, Long Jacket, sort of a fashion... sort of-

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Single.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Ooh I just remembered something right.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Thinking about short skirt, long jacket, once I was watching daytime TV, I was unemployed it was, it was the early days of...like mid 80's, and err.

Steve: Who was hosting?

Ricky: It was sort of like one of those Eamonn Holmes and someone, you know like Richard & Judy - but not as good, not as... and err, in the link she went "well after the break, Leo Sayer's popping in, to tell us about clothes for the shorter man"

Steve laughs

Ricky: I stayed tuned, he came on-

Steve: Leo Sayer?

Ricky: He went "wear a short jacket".

Steve laughs

Steve: Why wear a short jacket?

Ricky: It’s an optical illusion, you're going, "That jacket - it couldn't be a foot long, cos that would be mad, so it's 2 foot long, so he's 6 foot". So I'm looking at him there "Don't get too close, just look at the jacket" "How tall are you Leo?" "Well...work it out, this jacket's presumably about...isn't it?" "Yeah course it is, yeah".

Steve: "But Leo, you're famously quite a short man - in fact I saw you on TV talking about cloths for the shorter man."

Ricky: "No, but look at the jacket, from there." So he had to walk round, looking like a bull-fighter, just for this illusion, from 50 paces.

Steve: What's the other thing about stripes?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, horizontal stripes widen you.

Steve: Make you look fatter.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: So good advice there, good fashion advice for anyone listening.

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9

Steve: Leo Sayer there offering some...we should get Leo in, maybe offer some new stuff

Ricky: For your birthday, a little special Leo Sayer visit for your birthday, got any presents yet?

Steve: I received nothing yet, but my parents haven't come up yet, they're the ones who normally bring gifts-

Ricky: Oh yeah

Steve: They are coming up later, and I always look forward to my father's gifts, um, because they are... remarkable...I don't know what he's thinking sometimes - it's like I don't understand the logic, I mean, if I explain some of the gifts he's bought in the past, maybe you could figure out. I once opened, I think I was about 14, and, I like all the stuff you like at 14, you know - the ladies, obviously, pop music, fashion, and that's why, I assume, why he bought me, on audio cassette, the collected wartime speeches of Sir Winston Churchill.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Did you listen to them?

Steve: well, I'm not sure when you'd ever be in the mood to listen to that to be honest, "We'll fight you on the beaches", you know, all that.

Ricky: All the classics, all the classic hits.

Steve: I think...unless you're under attack... I don't think you'd ever listen to that.

Ricky: Did you not even listen to it?

Steve: I kind of - but when are you ever going to be in the mood to put that one?

Ricky: No, but just cos it was a gift.

Steve: I always remember being once, this is true...

Ricky: What if he tested you - "Do you like track 4?" "Oh some chicken, some neck, I love that dad - I'm thinking of doing a remix".

Steve: But he said to me once, he said to me "Never forget, son."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He didn't!

Steve: Yeah, and I went "I don't remember, dad" It was mad, and he was quite into sort of the military and all that war history and stuff.

Ricky: Oh, are you allowed to tell an anecdote about your dad on the radio, can I give you a clue, just in case - can you tell the thing about the shed?

Steve: No, no, no, too long and complicated.

Ricky: Alright, alright ok.

Steve: But I remember, this is true, I had it on once, cos I just stuck it on, cos I thought I ought to, and my dad came in, and he was pleased to see I was listening to it, and we just stood there listening, and I always remember my sister coming in, with one of her quite attractive friends, teenage friends, and I'm a teenager as well, and there's this woman walking by, and she goes to the same school, and whatever, and quite...quite fit, and I'm just stood there, with my father, listening to "We'll fight them on the beaches", "Never in the field of conflict have so many.." and just remember looking as she passes...

Ricky: You’ve learnt it - see it's rubbed off.

Steve: Oh yeah, oh Rick, if you're ever in a wartime situation, and you need some morale, come to me, I'll sort you right out.

Ricky: What about, a little bit of White Stripes

Steve: I've got some more gifts that I can tell you about afterwards.

Ricky: I'm looking forward to it.

Song: White Stripes - Hotel Yorba

Song: Oasis - Morning Glory.

The Greatest Album of All Time

Ricky: Oasis, Morning Glory, before that, White Stripes, Hotel Yorba. Oasis, of course got in the...have you been watching that VH1 top 100 albums of all time?

Steve: I have indeed, I've enjoyed it.

Ricky: Yeah, number 1 - do you remember what number 1 was?

Steve: Err Joshua Tree - U2.

Ricky: Yeah...now, good album.

Steve: It's not the greatest album ever is it?

Ricky: Of all time.

Steve: I mean, I know it's an arbitrary list, but even so.

Ricky: Yeah, you sort of feel comfortable with it being the Beatles, or Marvin Gaye or…

Steve: Exactly or Pet Sounds or whatever.

Ricky: Exactly...yeah... maybe it's a generation shift, there's enough people now.

Steve: What I found odd in the list was, it started off with the Doors, I remember, there was Velvet Underground and stuff, respected albums, classics, and then there were things like Stars, Simply Red - I mean it's a big seller, and it's well produced whatever but an odd choice for one of the greatest albums ever, and I remember there were things like that Texas album, is it White on Blond? And I just think again, is it just based on albums that have sold well via the Britannia music club?

Ricky: But that's always the thing isn't it, like any poll, I remember I think it was last year, the greatest lyrics of all time - 1 was Imagine by John Lennon, which if anything was.

Steve: It's a solid classic.

Ricky: And there was maybe like Dylan or another Beatles one, and in, two in the top five were Robbie Williams’s songs.

Steve: Robbie Williams songs?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: One of the worst lyricists ever - just a collection of words.

Ricky: Well, annoying yeah, and it was that thing err err "A maa ner ner , a thousand fags ... take it to the bridge."

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Ohh, post-modern sort of...but that's a reflection of the sheer weight at the moment, so it's always going to be four of all time, and then the biggest thing that year, you know

Steve: I suppose so

Ricky: That’s why Coldplay and Travis are getting in, and they're good, I mean I don't think they'll be at the same position next year.

Steve: I get frustrated with those lists, because they always seem so arbitrary.

Ricky: I think we've forgotten we're on the radio

Steve: Have we?

Ricky: Because that was a pretty boring link wasn't it? Cos we're just talking like we're alone.

Steve: a lot of people probably haven't even seen the VH1 show.

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Not interested in the least.

Ricky: Are we losing it? You know what I mean?

Steve: Listen, I'll be honest with you, Rick, I, it's my birthday today, and last night I went out, I got a little bit wasted, so I'm hung-over this morning, and I didn't get to bed before 11..right? So it's...it was pretty wild last night. In actual fact, and I have to say, I went...

Ricky: God knows how many units I had.

Steve: I went to the Monarch, in Camden-

Ricky: Oh Monarch, yeah yeah

Steve: There was some kind of groovy night on - I went to the door, I'd got a load of mates with me, I said erm "Any discount for Xfm DJs?"

Ricky: You didn't really? Ohhh

Steve: I did, I did, I was a bit drunk, he went "Who are you?", I went "Steve Merchant, Ricky Gervais" he said "Steve Merchant, brilliant - you can come in for free"

Ricky: No he didn't!

Steve: Yes, he did, I swear to god, I said "What about my mates?", he said "It's 5 pounds, they can have a pound off." He said "but", and I think basically-

Ricky: Why did you say that!?

Steve: Basically Rick, I think I also agreed that you'd DJ there

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: I can't remember, but if the guy is listening, maybe he could let me know if I promised that, I might've signed something, I can't remember.

Ricky: Oh god.

Steve: But anyway, it was a good night.

Ricky: Oh this is like one of those 50s sitcoms when yeah yeah "You sold my soul to an angel".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh how am I going to get out of this?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh no

Steve: so anyway, if you go down to the Monarch, maybe next week, there'll be Ricky Gervais playing - that'll be fun.

Song: Elbow - Red.

Clubbing Steve

Ricky: Well, that was Elbow, and Red, off Asleep in the Back - I love that.

Steve: Great song.

Ricky: It's got sort of early Peter Gabriel, that's wonderful. Well, we were talking about your birthday, and everything, and presents.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: And then I found out I'd been signed up to DJ-

Steve: Yes, looking forward to that

Ricky: -to get you in

Steve: I got in for free, my friends got in one pound off.

Ricky: I love the...I was just, when the record was playing there, I said to Steve "Why did you do that? Why did you try and get in free?” he went "Impress my mates", now how impressive is it, that Steve Merchant can get you in a place for a quid off? "Wanna save money? Go with Steve, and they recognise him, or have heard the show - you get a quid off!" that is great.

Steve: I'm a quality discount.

Ricky: I don't know what you like more though, 'cos I know you, and I think, it wasn't just the acclaim, it was the pound off you liked.

Steve: The money off was exciting to me, any discount would have been fine.

Ricky: I imagine you made them all buy you a drink, you know, to the value of a pound.

Steve: Several, it ended up costing them a lot more.

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: Have I ever...this is probably the most embarrassing of those entrance stories. I was down in South London once, went down to some party that was taking place in some swanky bar, where there was a doorman on the front, and a charge, I think it was something mental like a tenner to go in - it was crazy, it was ludicrous, I don't know what I was doing there-

Ricky: Yeah, we'll establish what you mean by swanky later, 'cos that could be...

Steve: And I was in the queue...err... it was a posh place.

Ricky: Was it?

Steve: So there was queue outside, and there was one of these doormen who though it was like Studio 54, he was like choosing people who could come in - "yeah, you two come in now" - and I'd been there for ages, obviously, on my own, 'cos I got there late.

Ricky: Oh no, in your kagoul and clogs - you thought "I've dressed up for this.”

Steve: Exactly, and there were these two girls next to me, and I'm thinking, I've told you before, if I'm in a queue and I'm stuck with two girls, I'm thinking what a great opportunity, you know, use the old "Merchant charm". So I'm there, and I, sort of, give them a nod, whatever, a wink, and they're loving it.

Ricky: Yeah - they've moved to the back!

Steve: They're putty in my hands Rick, as you can imagine.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And I thought, to really seal this off, I'll get us in, like, I'll skip the queue, so the guy's coming along, picking people off, the doorman, and I just grabbed him, and I said it so everyone could hear, and I thought this was brilliant, I said to him "How much is it?", he went, "10 quid", I went "...I'll give you seven" - that was my bribe - "I'll give you seven", that's a whole three pounds - no, that can't be right.

Ricky: No.

Steve: No, he must've said a fiver, and I said I'll give you seven.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That makes more sense.

Ricky: Yeah, that's giving him a two pound incentive.

Steve: Yeah, a two pound incentive

Ricky: Otherwise it's "I'll give you seven, you make up the ten - if you let me in you can put in three yourself mate" - that never works does it.

Steve: He said to me... um um err... I can't be bothered, I'm just going to have a kip, I think.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I'm so tired. Was it percentages that put you off in that anecdote?

Steve: That frazzled me initially.

Ricky: I mean it's a funny anecdote when you're giving him two pounds, it's even funnier when you're getting him to put up.

Steve: When he's paying as well.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh I love it. Right we're going to play a record, then we're really going to concentrate, Xfm 104.9...Ricky Gervais show...

Steve: Steve Merchant's also involved...oh can I go to bed...

Ricky: Ohhh

Song: PJ Harvey – This is Love

Song: Cypress Hill - Superstar.

Big Guns Pilkington

Ricky: Cypress Hill, Superstar. Still to come, we've got such great bands as New Order, Ash, Nirvana, Radiohead, Song for the Lovers, about 2 o'clock, is a beautiful song by Jimmy Webb, Steve.

Steve: Lovely, looking forward to it.

Ricky: Now, it's Steve's birthday ,it's Xfm 104.9, he's 27, we're both a little bit hung-over, now every link we've started hasn't really...

Steve: It's not really come to fruition, if I'm being honest.

Ricky: No, nothings happened.

Steve: I mean sometimes they're just all out, kind of, there's just blunders in them.

Ricky: Or like this one, we've already run aground.

Steve: Run out of steam.

Ricky: I think it might be a mixture, like, we've been on this station for a while, and we're losing the will-

Steve: Err bored, bored

Ricky: -to live, but we're going to buck up our ideas.

Steve: Can I just ask a quick question?

Ricky: I said "buck" up by the way, just in case... someone listening - do you want to complain? You ffff...

Steve: ...my birthday today, and therefore last night I went out, and that's my excuse for being a little bit tired, and a little bit hung-over, what's your excuse? 'Cos you didn't come out.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: I mean you were conscious you had the show today, what were you doing? Staying at home just drinking?

Ricky: Yeah, I had a couple, me and Jane went to say goodbye to someone.

Steve: What time did you go to bed?

Ricky: About one.

Steve: Well that's stupid...what I'm saying is, it's your name all over the show, I'm a nobody, I've got no reputation, thankfully.

Ricky: Yeah. Although, you get quid off in most clubs in Camden

Steve: that's true enough.

Ricky: I think... If anyone out there, if you're like tall...I know it's your birthday, but I've got to do a description, this is purely, this is nothing nasty...if you're a lanky sort of geek, erm, and you know, you can do a Wurzel accent, then maybe you can pretend to be Steve Merchant, and get in, a quid off. Is that alright?

Steve: That's fine Rick.

Ricky: No, 'cos some people would take that as a personal.

Steve: As offensive, sure.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. So, we were talking about...shall we play a rec- Is that link too long already, before we actually got to something?

Steve: I'm already bored, personally.

Ricky: Come on, we've got to get to something, got to do something.

Steve: Karl, why don't you contribute something, you're being silent.

Ricky: Now that is scraping the bottom of the barrel - we're in trouble, oh no, we're failing - who can we bring on that's sure-fire, always delivers-

Steve: Audio dynamite.

Ricky: Snappy, yeah - Karl!

Steve: The big guns!

Ricky: Come on Karl...

Karl: I was just thinking, there is nobody else who looks like Steve

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's done ya!

Steve: That's outrageous! Although, to be honest with you, that insult has resurrected things

Ricky: Yeah, well done. Play a little tune.

Karl: A'right.

Steve: And then we'll come back...ohhh, I've got a little sniffle as well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, cold or something coming on...

Song: Song: Suede – Beautiful Ones

Salem's (a) Lot (of crap)

Ricky: Bit late there Karl, you should have come in a bit earlier there, Suede there, ermm.

Steve: What I like is the complete lack of professionalism on our part, it's like we've got a bit of a headache, little bit tired, that's it then.

Ricky: You can't fight that.

Steve: The thing is, as you well know Rick, there are certain DJs on this station, you know, drunkards, there's at least two I know of who are smack heads.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And they still manage to do a good show.

Ricky: But even the ones that aren't, that try their best are rubbish

Steve: That's true enough, I'm not saying we're not still the best, I mean it's effortless for us Rick, as you know.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: We're coming up with dynamite stuff here, and we're not even, fighting on all cylinders.

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant, little bit hung-over, we all are, but he can't really take it, he's a bit...

Steve: ...lightweight. There is ermm tickets to give away Rick, I don't know if we should mention that

Ricky: What, who is it for?

Steve: Joe Strummer.

Ricky: Oh yeah

Steve: And his band the Mescaleros, play Brixton Academy, we think this evening.

Steve laughs

Steve: Err a little bit more information would probably be useful

Ricky: So go along, just in case. If you say you're Steve Merchant, pound off

Steve: well the doors are at 7 o'clock, and its 17 pounds 50, unless you've won the competition, Rick, that I'm about to set, and won yourself a pair of tickets. There is someone in America celebrating a birthday today, ok.

Ricky: Yeah - more than one.

Steve: No but there's a specific one I'm thinking of-

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: -his name, Rick, is Dwight Schultz, Ok, if you know the answer, obviously don't give it away, his name's Dwight Schultz, he's an actor, he was particularly big in the 80's, and he's also celebrating a birthday today.

Ricky: You're going to say what's his name.

Steve: I'm going to say, what character was he best known as, what TV character is he best known as, and you can win yourself some tickets for Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros at the Brixton Academy.

Ricky: Dwight Schultz.

Steve: American, actor, TV character of the 80s, very famous.

Ricky: Oh yeah. I see Christian's giving away a trip to Salem, Massachusetts.

Steve: That's bizarre, actually, 'cos I was in America recently, and I went to Salem, Massachusetts, and that's not a prize, believe me, I mean we were there, we were obliged to go, 'cos we were at someone's birthday, its rubbish!

Ricky: Really.

Steve: I mean, that's a really poor trip, that's such a boring place to go

Ricky: He probably can't believe his luck, it's probably the biggest thing Christian's ever had to give away, and you've just dissed it.

Steve: The great thing about Salem, Massachusetts is that...

Ricky: I don't think we're good for this station, I don't think we're selling the station like we should

Steve: oh you know, it's its own fault you know, it shouldn't have hired us, I blame it, you know

Ricky: Yeah, and paid us in advance - they're lucky we turn up.

Steve: No, I went to Salem, Massachusetts, and this is the place that's famous from Salem's Lot and, the Salem witch hunts, famously.

Ricky: Um famous for all things "Salem" - anything with "Salem" in the title, that's what it's famous for.

Steve: But the whole place has gone mad over witches and anything, basically it was like the Salem witch hunts, in 17 something or other or 16 something or other, so the whole place is just full of people dressed like witches, and then any supernatural stuff, so I went in, and it's amazing.

Ricky: Yeah, like Glastonbury tent.

Steve: Yeah, it's like, it's awful, every single place there, every single shop, is kind of horror-related, and I went to the "Boris Karloff World of Terror" - I went in there, I don't know if Boris, the famous horror actor has actually been involved, you go in there, you walk in the door, you've got to out these 3D glasses on, right, and it's supposed to be this chilling journey round this sort of crypt, and you put these glasses on, and you couldn't tell, they were so poor, I couldn't tell, what was supposed to be a 3D effect, and what was actually 3 dimensional, so I couldn't tell if the floor was actually sloped, or if it just appeared to be, whether the wall was actually knobbly....it literally took about 45 seconds to get through it.

Ricky: Imagine that.

Steve: And you just come out blinking into the light again.

Ricky: So you...I just want to throw this over to Karl - so there's Steve Merchant, with funny glasses on, in this place, horror, and he's walking round - do you think he scared people, Karl? ...I've set this question up haven't I? I've loaded the question haven't I?

Steve: I know the answer you're fishing for. Karl, do you just want to have a dig at me? 'Cos it's coming up to 2 o'clock, and you've not really put a lot of effort in today, slagging me off.

Karl: I don't do it on purpose

Ricky: No, he doesn't do it on purpose, he's just an honest Northerner, and he can't lie, he's like George Washington, but without the wooden teeth...

Steve: Yeah Salem, ermm...I didn't mean to say.

Ricky: We've lost it again, haven't we?! - You didn't mean to say Salem!

Steve: Rick, I didn't mean to say Salem.

Ricky: This is such bad radio.

Steve: That was just the word that was...

Ricky: This is really, I mean this is genuinely bad radio.

Steve: It's awful radio.

Ricky: Quick, oh yeah, my mate went to one of those things, erm erm, in the West End where it's aliens, and they jump out at you, and he was so scared, that when it jumped out, he ripped a bit of it's face off.

Steve: What the alien's face off?

Ricky: Yeah, it was foam, and the bloke went "Don't do that, mate".

Steve: Brilliant. Well in the Salem one I was wandering round, and there was this one guy who kept jumping out, and because there was about 10 of us, and I was at the back, I always missed him jumping out, so when I got round, I'd missed all the frights! It was ludicrous, you'd have thought he would jump out then double round and jump out again

Ricky: Yeah. "Everyone at the back catch that?"

Steve: Ohh, if you want to win those tickets, Dwight Schultz, who is he better known as?

Song: Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At.

Ricky's Go-Kart

Ricky: Yeah, Basement Jaxx there, keeping it real, Where’s Your Head At...

Steve: Where is your head at?

Ricky: Yeah, I know what they're saying, they're saying "Where's your head at?"

Steve: Where is your head at?

Ricky: Yeah, Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Now...

Steve: Just one thing I want to say, Rick, is that I've spoken to a few people who've listened to the show, and a lot of people, you know, this is the highlight of their week, it really is, no, a lot of bed-bound people, and, you know.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And we're not really putting the effort in are we? We’re providing nothing.

Ricky: We're trying, but it's just not coming out right.

Steve: The words just aren't coming out - when I say them in my mind, they're brilliant.

Ricky: But it's sort of like getting old, you know, I still want to run up stairs, and things, but I just...no, get the lift. I'd like to run up stairs, I just can't anymore. I thought that today - the comedy's in there, the interesting things, it's all in the head, and it has to go via the mouth, and it's just not working for me, but it is your birthday, you're 27, Happy Birthday.

Steve: Thanks.

Ricky: Can I tell you about one of the best presents I ever had? Without a doubt, all I ever wanted was a go-kart, this is true, I was about, like, 5, 6, 7, and I eventually, for Christmas, ermm, I wasn't spoilt in the sense that I got pocket money, but I always got what I wanted at Christmas eventually, 'cos, you know, working class mothers, they'd get it out of the catalogue, and pay for it for the rest of the year, so, I got, really, as many presents as anyone else, and I got this go-kart, it was a little red go-kart, and it was a pedal one, and I'd run home from school, and I'd be in it, and I'd be up and down the garden for hours, and I'd have to come in for my tea, and this was fantastic, and this went on for, like, weeks and weeks and weeks, through the summer, through the next summer, and it was just a fantastic go-kart, and I'd show off, and err, then one day I came home - and it was always at the back of the shed, up against the shed - and I went in and I couldn't see it, and so I went to the back door - my mum was like washing up and that, and I went "Where's my go-kart?", I thought, it hasn't been nicked, she went "Your Dad swapped it".

Steve: Your Dad swapped it?

Ricky: Yeah, I went ... "He what?", and I was going to be brave, I went "He what?", she went "He swapped it for a wheelbarrow", and I could see she didn't approve of this, and she was thinking "I'm going to tell him, and then I'm going to, you know, have this out". And I went "Right", she went "It's your wheelbarrow", and I went to the back of the shed, and there was this wheelbarrow, he swapped it with a bloke called Jimmy Dublin, who he worked with.

Steve: Jimmy Dublin.

Ricky: Yeah, I don't know...

Steve: I bet he was a respectable member of the community.

Ricky: He was fine, no, this is libel...no I think he was an Irish gentleman.

Steve: You surprise me.

Ricky: That's why, I don't know what his real name was, and I think my dad must have been drunk, and he went "I want to get my son a go-kart", and my dad was "well, my kid's got one, he's probably had it for a year, he's probably bored with it".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he said "ah, I'll give you this wheelbarrow", and I went to this wheelbarrow, and it was caked in concrete, I could hardly lift it - just nicked off a building site, obviously.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And I'd be there for hours, trying to push this wheelbarrow, up and down the garden, right, and it was ok though, 'cos I was going on holiday soon, and I, seven years running, went to Bognor Regis, place called Riverside, 'cos some woman round the way had a caravan, that we got free for a week, and, it was great, wonderful, and, I used to go there with my Mum and my Nan.

Steve laughs

Steve: Oh party time!

Ricky: Yeah ha ha. Age of 7, no it was good, because you know when you're a kid, and you wake up in a strange place it sort of seems weird. You wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning to hear your Nan pissing in an iron bucket, and you know.

Steve laughs

Steve: We've all been there.

Ricky: And you get disorientated...anyway, and I went on holiday, and I met a little friend, who's about my age, we're both sort of like 8, and he'd hired a go-kart, and he came round, he came round to my caravan...I went "I've got a go-kart", and my Mum, I remember my Mum opening the window of the caravan, and going "Don't lie".

Steve: That’s so evil.

Ricky: And I went "I had a go-kart, I had a go-kart".

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you ever talk to your father about the fact that he swapped it?

Ricky: No.

Steve: You never mentioned it to him?

Ricky: No no.

Steve: Have you still got that wheelbarrow?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I think so, I've grown into it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I can nearly lift it now ,now I'm just too old to run up and down the garden with it.

Steve: Yeah, now you get one of your several gardeners to use it all the time.

Ricky laughs

Song: Dr Dre - Bad Intentions

Howling Mad Murdoch

Ricky: Dre there, Doctor Dre.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: Bad Intentions. Well, it's...ooh do you want to give the winners of the competition?

Steve: The winners, yes, tickets for Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros, playing at Brixton Academy this evening, we have some lucky winners, the question I set was - someone else famous is celebrating a birthday today.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I don't mean someone else famous like I'm famous, and someone else is famous.

Ricky: You could probably get in to the Monarch.

Steve: Well, pound off at least, and err I said, which actor, Dwight Schultz...no I didn't I said, which character did-

Ricky: Started off well, didn't it.

Steve: It started off so well. Which character did Dwight Schultz play, what made him famous, in the 80s, he's celebrating his birthday today, don't know how old he is, probably in his 60s.

Ricky: He's not in his 60s.

Steve: The character he played, of course, was Howling Mad Murdoch, from the A-Team.

Ricky: We did accept Murdoch.

Steve: I was watching an A Team on UK Gold the other day, 'cos I always, like to have something so I can talk to Camfield whenever I meet him-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -and the thing about Howling Mad Murdoch is that his madness is one of those convenient type of madnesses where he's not, kind of, depressive, where he's trying to kill himself, or he's schizophrenic, or he's unreliable, he's just a bit eccentric.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: His madness is largely "I'll do some funny voices".

Ricky: You couldn't have Howling "Slightly Off The Wall" Murdoch though, could you?

Steve: No.

Ricky: It didn't have the edge.

Steve: But it's rubbish, its rubbish madness it's...

Ricky: Or Howling Wacky Murdoch.

Steve: Well, that's what he is, he's wacky.

Ricky: Howling Annoying Student Murdoch, I think he should have been called.

Steve: Anyway, the winners, Karl, I think you took some answers...

Karl: Err, Tim and Neal.

Steve: Well done Tim and Neal - are they going together, or are they...?

Ricky: No.

Karl: No, two separate people.

Steve: Lucky people, lucky people.

Ricky: I don't think your heart's in it anymore either Karl.

Karl: I was alright today, but Steve's really dragged me down .

Ricky: Well, let's, let's...

Steve: Well, hang on, I just need to know why.

Karl: Well do you know like-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -when people are being miserable around you?

Ricky: Yep, yep.

Karl: I was full of beans when I came in.

Ricky: Yep, yep, yep..

Steve: You've got to remember that last week you were really miserable, and that really wound me up

Ricky: Yeah, because he was having to do stuff, and he'd been let down, and they were worried about the next show...

Steve: But last week you were in a terrible mood, don't look at me like you weren't...

Karl: Was only between the songs, I wasn't like going "Ohhh fuh", and lying on the settee, looking ill, and talking in that voice.

Ricky: Ohh, he's done you, again.

Karl: Just now, being quite friendly...

Steve: Karl, Karl, have you ever tried to get into the Monarch for free? 'Cos I'll be honest, mate, it is not going to happen for you. Come out with me, mate, you've got a quid off, alright?

Ricky: Ohhh.

Steve: When you can get in places in Camden for free?

Karl: Yeah, right, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, yeah, he's done you. Right, now, it's time for Song for the Lovers. Now this is one of my favourite songs of all time. You'll know this song better done by... that was nearly a sentence Oh come on - that was nearly a sentence, what's his name, Glen Campbell, it's Galveston.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: This is the man who wrote it, this is the original, this is Jimmy Webb, with Galveston. From what I can to work out, I think it's about a bloke who goes off to the Vietnam war, and he's missing erm his bird, and err, I've brought it down, haven't I, I've brought it down a tone by saying "bird".

Steve: It's a beautiful song.

Ricky: It was irony.

Steve: Just play it.

Ricky: Galveston, it's beautiful...

Song: Jimmy Webb - Galveston

A Trowel and Some Coffee

Ricky: Jimmy Webb, with Galveston. Now, I know you enjoy the "Webbmeister"

Steve: Love the work - a lot of people will of course be familiar with his sons, the Webb brothers

Ricky: Yeah, very different, quite cool though, I went to see him live, and he was just so cool, like just doing his songs, and telling a little anecdote, he's fantastic, that's my Song For The Lovers, Steve, what have you got for us?

Steve: Well, no, I was just going to mention a couple of other gifts that my father got, well, he got me once, I unwrapped once, having professed no interest, ever, in this particular artist, about as much interest as Winston Churchill, err, I once received, lucky me, "The Making of Thriller". It was a video, behind the scenes, on Thriller.

Ricky: I know what he thinks though - he thinks "Steve loves to dance".

Steve: No, he went "you love music, and you love films".

Ricky: No, yeah, and that's a film, yeah.

Steve: I mean I've never professed any interest - I don't think it even had Thriller, the actual film, on it, it was just, the making of Thriller, behind the scenes.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Michael Jackson, dancing around.

Ricky: And John Landis.

Steve: Yeah, it was rubbish

Ricky: Well, that's not very nice is it - what did you say when you opened it? "Brilliant".

Steve: "Brilliant - I love Jackson, I can't wait to watch this - can we watch it now", I said.

Ricky: What did he say?

Steve: No.

Karl: You're so ungrateful, really, 'cos I can't remember a time my Dad bought me anything, it's always me Mam who bought it, and me Dad would give her the money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You've got Ricky, who's lost his go-kart - you've had a video bought for you, and you're just unhappy. That seems selfish.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: It's not so much...I appreciate the fact that there is a gift, I think it's the fact that the gifts are arbitrary, and can be bought in the shop, that's opposite the place he works

Ricky: Tell Karl what he got your Mum - listen to this Karl, you'll love this

Steve: It's the thought that counts, right, so I suppose if you say that the thought that counts is the fact that he went and got anything at all, that counts, ok, fair enough, but he phoned me up, he said, "What shall I get your mother", right, "It's our 20th wedding anniversary", right, "What shall I get her?", and I said "well I tell you this", this is a great idea I heard from somewhere else, "Why not pay for her to have a makeover", all the sort of treatment ,you know, and the beauty treatment, "she'll love that, then take her out, give her a meal and stuff", and he went "ok, ok, ok". So, he hangs up. I speak to him on the day of my Mum's birthday, I say "What'd you get, what'd you get?", he said "I got something", I said "Did you go for the makeover idea?", he said "Not exactly", I went "What did you do?", he went "I bought her a trowel", a trowel, I went "A trowel?", he went "Yeah, for the garden", I went "It's a trowel - you've been married 20 years, and you got her a trowel", he went "It's stainless steel". I said to him "It's a trowel dad!", and he went "Do you think I should have got it engraved?"

Ricky laughs

Steve: It is mental, and I went down to see them, and I went in the lounge, and literally, imagine it, it wasn't this, but imagine it, he'd bought this trowel, and he's also bought her and industrial sized tin of coffee, you know those big sized ones, you have in like hotels.

Ricky: Didn't he say "She loves coffee, Steve"?

Steve: "She loves coffee, Steve", he said.

Ricky: I love the fact that the whole family could use it, like she's keep it by her bed, like she's in Stalag 13 or something, "This is my coffee".

Steve: Imagine, walking into the lounge, right, she's there, she's got the presents that my sister's bought and that, a trowel, is holding a trowel, and a tin of coffee, and me walking in wondering, "I wonder if there's anything that she regrets in her life?"

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Aahhh, that's lovely, "She loves coffee, Steve".

Steve: "She loves coffee, Steve."

Ricky: Aahh

Steve: “She loves the garden.”

Ricky: Karl, what's the worst present you've ever had?

Pause

Karl: You see, we don't really celebrate birthdays in our house.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What?! Where are you from?

Ricky: What planet are you...? What do you mean, you don't celebrate birthdays?

Steve: Are you here from another world observing?

Ricky: Ricky laughs.

Steve: Like, trying to blend in, but not quite managing to pull it off

Karl: We're just not that fussed about it.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Me mum and dad's are on the same day, and I think that just like...

Ricky: That’s a bit weird isn't it.

Karl: And their anniversary...

Ricky: What, they got married on their mutual birthday?

Steve: But, Karl, can I just-

Ricky: And Christmas.

Steve: But Karl, there's a difference between you saying-

Ricky: What do you mean their anniversary's on the same day?! Of course it's on the same day!

Karl: Yeah, and their birthday's-

Steve: But Karl, what I mean is that you say that you don't really celebrate your birthday, but presumably you have received some presents, at some point in your life, from your parents? Or anyone?

Karl: Yeah, err...

Steve: Well, we'll come back to you later - thanks!

Ricky: Yeah, play a record.

Steve: Karl, have a think about that, we'll come back to you later - thanks very much.

Song: Ash - Sometimes.

Planning Steve's Birthday Meal

Ricky: Ash, and Sometimes - they've won me over.

Steve: They have indeed yeah.

Ricky: They've just got better, got to be the band they always wanted to be, I think.

Steve: I'd have written them off in the early days, but now...

Ricky: Me too Steve, just goes to show

Steve: Karl, any thoughts on what gift you've perhaps once received, that you can joke about now...but was tragic at the time? ... No?

Karl: No.

Steve: Not really put the thought in...

Karl: No, as I say, didn't have that many presents, so-

Steve: Always thankful for what you got

Karl: What I did get I was grateful for.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rick, would you love to hear from the listeners, if maybe they've received some amusing gifts?

Ricky: No.

Steve: No, I wouldn't.

Ricky: So, what're you doing tonight - are you going out for a little meal with your parents?

Steve: Yeah, I though you were coming?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. Any suggestions as to where we might go? Maybe people would like to phone in, 'cos I've got no idea. It's got to be largely meat based, my family'll only really eat meat.

Ricky: Do you know the steak house, near me? It's closed down.

Steve: Brilliant - that's one, there's lots more to go. Let's not stop there people, come on.

Ricky: I used to look across and think "Is that a bingo hall?"

Steve: I know it's so bright.

Ricky: "Or somewhere to eat". Yeah, neon, and right at the back they had cocktails - imagine you going in there, with a DJ there going

Ricky hums Girl From Ipanema

Steve: "Hey, ladies.”

Ricky: "Hi", be fanta- go on, Karl's got something to say, I can tell...

Karl: No, I just - is there a chance that your dad's like on the way in to London now, and has heard you saying "oh, he got me this, and he got me that", he could be like nipping in to a shop now to buy you a rake, and thought.

Ricky: Yeah, just think of that, oh that'd be terrible, wouldn't it, or "The Making of The Bends".

Steve: Yeah, he'll probably turn up and say, "I was going to get you a gift, Steve, but then I got high", and we'll all laugh at the cultural reference.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, errm, right, this link has run out of steam again.

Steve: Yes, but don't worry, 'cos I can salvage it.

Ricky: Go on!

Steve: Because it's time for "Under the Covers", “Cover Me Up”, oohh, “You Got Me Covered”.

Ricky: “Between the Covers”.

Steve: “Between the Covers”, “I Like Covers”, cover songs.

Ricky: Yeah, "This Was Done By Someone Else"

Steve: yeah, this week I'd like to play, I mean we're all fans of Destiny's Child, Rick, and we're all fans of the song, "Say My Name", but have any of us heard the Scottish band, "Spare Snare", doing their version of it? I suspect not, let's hear it now...

Song: Spare Snare - Say My Name.

Winner Stays On

Steve: Spare Snare, doing their version of Say My Name, by Destiny's Child, Rick what do you make of it?

Ricky: Do you remember "Raw Sex"? That used to be in French and Saunders.

Steve: Don't think I do.

Ricky: Roland Rivron, yeah.

Steve: Basically what it's like.

Ricky: It's a bit like that.

Steve: Do you think maybe the cover versions section's running out of steam? If that's what we're playing.

Ricky: I think we should only ever do 6 weeks a year on radio.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And then...

Steve: People will remember that, it'll beautifully preserved in their memories

Ricky: Yeah, like Benny Hill used to do one show a year, you know what I mean? Imagine how awful it would've been if he'd had to do it every week for two hours, I don't think he'd have been so successful to be honest, Steve, I think even he'd have run out of ideas

Steve: Rick, I know that you are tired of coming in every Saturday and doing the show, I know I am, and I suspect many of the listeners are, but maybe we should leave it to the listeners - if they want us off the air, maybe they should email, fax, phone in

Ricky: That would be - everything should be like that though, vote whether you want to - like a binary sort, you know, up against someone, like "winner stays on", in pool.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I hate that - "winner stays on", in pool, in pubs, it's just horrible fascist isn't it, you want to play with your mates, you don't want to have to beat a bloke with one tooth, who just plays pool all day.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Costs him nothing, and he has 93 games, of course you're not going to beat him, he's a professional by the end of evening.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Xfm 104.9!

Steve: Ohhh Merry Christmas.

Song: Four Hero - Les Fleur.

Where Is Bruno Brookes?

Ricky: Four Hero, by Les Fleur - great bloke, Les, worked with him in Blackpool, weird, had a very high voice, can't grow a beard, but, yeah - I'm joshing, probably pronounced "lay" Fleur, innit? Yeah, we know all that, we know all that.

Steve: Have you noticed all those huge posters, advertising Christian O'Connell's breakfast show? They're all over the place now, they're mainly on the tube, like, you wouldn't know, Gervais.

Ricky: No.

Steve: What with your driver, and everything, um, imagine if they'd spent the kind of money they must have spent on those, advertising our show.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: And those people were tuning in, and today's show was what they heard.

Ricky: I was actually thinking, right, ermm, 'cos we do care, in a way.

Steve: Yeah yeah.

Ricky: We couldn't get over it today - just a word to the kids - this is what alcohol can do to you.

Steve: It's a sobering lesson.

Ricky: Yeah, but I thought, what if this was our first ever attempt at radio, think how gutted we'd be, we'd go "This is...we're not right".

Steve: But what worries me is, it's like, in my hangover state, it's like I've woken from a dream, and I've thought to myself, all the stuff we've said today is al the stuff we normally say week in week out, and we think it's brilliant, and it's today we've done it, and it's rubbish, we've seen the truth.

Ricky: Oh, oh, oh yeah, it might be, yeah, so alcohol can make...

Steve: just not as interesting, or entertaining as we thought.

Ricky: See, yours could be BSE as well though, 'cos I know you're worried about that, 'cos you just ate beef didn't you, for the first fifteen years.

Steve: Largely, just beef, yeah.

Ricky: Beef, and milk.

Steve: Mainly uncooked, it was just, you know, they'd just wheel a cow in, just suckle it from the cow

Ricky: Now, we'll get complaints about that.

Steve: We will indeed. I always wondered whether Bruno Brookes ever got complaints actually, when he once played Rage Against the Machine, Killing in the Name Of, and he must've dozed off or something, 'cos he didn't realise, all the swearing, you know, "f you I won't do what you tell me", and he just left it playing.

Ricky: He probably wasn't listening.

Steve: And it was the UK top 40, and it was just-

Ricky: Yeah, of course, he probably did get complaints.

Karl: Where is he now?

Steve: Good point - doing internet radio, which is of course where we'll be next week.

Ricky: Yeah, if we buck our ideas up.

Steve: Ermm, quick question.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I just realised who Karl looks like – Moby.

Ricky: He does.

Karl: Not the first person to say that.

Steve: Yeah, suddenly just dawned on me then, so if...

Ricky: Moby's one of those people that I think, fantastic, every time I see him, everything he says I agree with, he's lovely, and I just can't get into his music, it's bad, I feel that it's like a mate, who you can't say "Oh I'd give it up", I think he's fantastic, and I want to go "Why don't you do something else?".

Steve: Mmm mmm ... for more interesting views.

Ricky: I bored myself - I bored myself then! This is...

Steve: If you've got a pop star that you'd like Ricky Gervais to pass comment on, why not get in touch. What are your views on Rick Witter, from Shed Seven?

Ricky: Rick Witter, er, you know, I like their effort, he's quite a, you know, a got a nice hair

Steve: What about Chaka Demus and Pliers?

Ricky: What was their hit?

Steve: Er "Tease me, Tease me, Tease me". Anyway, more of that next time, I'm sure

Ricky: Ohhh, that's it

Steve: Are we straight to "Song for the Ladies" now?

Ricky: Yes

Steve: Shall we just get it over with?

Ricky: Yeah, let's knock it on the head.

Steve: "Song for the Ladies" this week, one of the best tracks on hour of the Bewilderbeast, by Badly Drawn Boy, it's of course Magic in the Air, for the ladies.

Ricky: Bye, sorry about that, we'll really be good next week.

Steve: Are you going to sing Happy Birthday, or...

Ricky: Happy birthday to you, no, we're going to start work on next week's show.

Steve: From then on, it'll be year zero.

Ricky: Yeah.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Magic In The Air