The Ricky Gervais Guide To... Society

The Ricky Gervais Guide To... Series Two Episode List

Episodes: Guide to... Society Guide to... Law and Order Guide to... The Future Guide to... The Human Body Guide to... The Earth

The Ricky Gervais Guide To ...Society is the first audiobook in the second season of the Guide To... series.

Track Listing

1. Introductions (0:00)

The Show's Album Art

Ricky introduces this new series of audiobooks by demonstrating what fellow people throughout history have said about society before welcoming himself, Steve Merchant - Award Winning Writer - and Karl Pilkington "Round headed little twat."

2. Ancient Greece (1:05)

Steve starts off the audiobook by talking about times in Ancient Greece when people would be selected to present new laws or new ideas, which their fellows would then decide upon keeping or not keeping. Ricky says he would ask for peace and such noble ideas. Karl reckons he worked as a slave himself when actually he had a normal job, although he was determined he was a slave, as he had no choice for another job. Steve throws forward an ancient proverb "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in." Once again, the metaphor brings forward problems for Karl.

3. GERANIUMS (3:59)

Karl mentions when he went to Ibiza, a place where a lot of deaths occurred on the roads. To Karl, because all these deaths have happened, people have planted flowers and made the place beautiful, whereas in a place like London it's very safe and, as such, very grey and boring. Ricky and Steve ridicule him. Karl says that sometimes people have to die, and even though this fella outside his house had a helmet on, when he hit a lamppost his head came off.

4. President Pilkington (7:10)

Karl reckons that people should not have to wear crash helmets if they don't want to. Ricky puts forward to him a role-play in which a person didn't wear a helmet and did crash and unfortunately die. But this man was not the only victim and Karl has to deal with his children. Karl's answer is to put the kids in a home; he fails to see how it is his fault for not making him wear a helmet. He says he is defenseless to stop it. He believes that the idiots who will not wear helmets will kill themselves off, getting rid of the idiots who do not have any common sense.

5. The Tidy Police (13:15)

Ricky asks Karl what would happen if Karl enforced rules about simply being tidy and being nice and how this would work. Ricky identifies a problem: he can see how a person who doesn't like to clean and likes a simplistic life and that Karl's rules would not be fair to people who like to live their lives like that.

6. Who Can Have Children? (15:46)

Steve brings up how people in China can only have one child but Karl thinks it would be better to decide about who can have children rather than how many they can have. Karl believes that if you are rich, like Madonna, you can have as many kids as you want. But if you are poor, then it’s not fair on the children. Ricky points out that he was born into a poor family. Karl clarifies that he means people who lived on the estate, like the child who chased cars. Stephen sets up a hypothetical situation where he and Ricky come to Karl to ask if they can adopt a child. Karl asks them to fill out a form. Ricky and Stephen mock the situation by pretending to be very bad parents. Karl states he wouldn’t ask any questions as they have filled out the forms.

7. No-one’s Gonna Have My Eyes or Cock & Bollocks (19:51)

Ricky brings up the subject of donor cards and feels that it’s perverse that someone wouldn’t give their organ up for donation. Karl states that he feels that some bits are more personal to him than other bits. Karl talks about cellular memory and how if someone were to have his eyes, they might start looking at ants. Ricky proclaims this as bollocks. Karl stills doesn’t like the idea of donating some of his organs, particularly the eyes and genitals. Ricky asks Karl if he would accept another man’s genitals if he lost his in an accident. Karl says he would accept them, Stephen puts a spin on this scenario, asking if he would still accept them if they had belonged to a sex pervert. Karl feels that it would be worse if he had the pervert’s eyes, otherwise it doesn’t match. Ricky sets up an elaborate scenario, involving Karl’s arse and a gay rapist.

8. Has She Been Fly-tipping Before She Got On The Bus? (28:05)

Stephen talks about the Civil Rights Movement in America and the Rosa Parks incident. Karl is asked what he would do if women became second-class citizens and Suzanne couldn’t sit next to him on the bus. Karl replies that it wouldn’t be a problem, as sometimes they get separated due to having different tickets. Ricky asks Karl what he would do if he was the bus driver and some white people were being racist to a black kid. Karl’s answers only relate to the rules of the bus, not to human rights. Stephen tries to explain to Karl that it’s an analogy. Karl doesn’t feel she’s done much for the Civil Rights Movement. Steve counter-argues this, pointing out that there is a black President. Ricky points out that she was a figure-head for the Civil Rights Movement. Karl thinks that she didn’t do it for that reason, she was just fed up. Stephen thinks that it’s hilarious that Karl is getting so confused over a simple event.

Quotes

Karl: "There was a fella outside our house who hit a lamppost; he had a helmet on, but his head come off."

Ricky: "Look at this Suzanne... fella who lost 'ead here... Geraniums? GERANIUMS?? For fella who lost bloody 'ead?"

Steve: "People are fucking idiots!"

Karl: "Had a kid whinging this morning cause his dad was a mong"

Karl: “What do you do for a living, what do you, what’s your work?" Stephen: “I’m a rapist." Ricky: “And I dispose of the bodies.”

Ricky: “We’re God-fearing people, we believe that God is watching all of us and we believe in the Old Testament.” Stephen: “And sometimes he tells us to kill and rape.” Ricky: “Yeah, sometimes he does, yeah particularly...We’ve stoned a couple of homosexuals this week alone.”

Ricky: “We want him to be an accountant. Gay accountant” Stephen: “Some will say it’s the same thing. Only joking, of course.” Ricky: “I think there is too much in society, where people are pressured to be heterosexual. So we’re going to try and make ours a homosexual….By the time he’s 14, he’ll be as queer as the Ace of Spades.”

Karl: “I’m just doing my job here. I’m sat driving a bus. I’m driving a bus for £30 a week here and getting a load of grief off some people at the end of the day.”

Karl: “She lost in the end, didn’t she?” Stephen: “Whatcha mean she lost in the end? There’s a black president!”