02 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 02 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

If I Win, I Won't Tell Ya

Song: Zero 7 - Distractions

Ricky: Zero 7, Distractions. Very nice. Yes, I approve of that, Karl. Good – good choice there. Now, Steve.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Karl came round to my flat, uh, it was Tuesday night, wasn’t it.

Karl: Nice place.

Ricky: Now, um, thanks. Now, last week after the show, I think you (mumbles), in the time you went to toilet, right, Karl got out the lottery, uh, ticket that he bought, he went, "I’m feeling really confident tonight." He was goin’ – I laughed – he said, "No seriously, look at the numbers." And I looked at ‘em, I think they were 4 – 6 – 8 – 20 – 36 – 48, weren’t they? He was goin’ "I’ve just got a feelin’ about those", I went 'Sure'. He went "Although, you know, m’ girlfriend said that if I won the lottery, we’d prob’ly split up, ‘cause we like such different things." Mean’, she likes to travel, and he doesn’t, and so he says, he said, "So what I said was, well if I win then I won’t tell ya. I’ll just treat you a little bit more."

Steve tee-hees

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: That’s brilliant logic!

Ricky: That is great. Anyway,

Karl: I’d look after her, though.

Steve: Oh, I’d imagine you’d take care of her, yeah. Yeahyeahyeah, you’re a good guy. How would you do it, then, you’d just sneak little gifts in, slowly over many years.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: You don’t think she’d rumble, the fact that you, like, don’t work anymore and drive a Lamborghini?

Karl: Well I’d still do this. I think.

Steve: What, like as a kind of beard, as a cover story. So you’d pretend to come to work, but maybe off partyin’ or something, in the daytime. Clever!

Ricky: Now, he didn’t win.

Steve: Okay!

Ricky: I phoned him up Saturday night, he went "One number."

Steve hoo-hoos

Ricky: I don’t know, I think it was 8, wasn’t it?

Karl: Yeah, well there was a lot of 8s on my piece of paper, weren’t they. So I think it was either and 8 or an 18 or a 48.

Ricky: And he went, he was disappointed, he said "Waste of time." I went, 'Well', he said, @No, waste of time." He went, "I’ve worked it out." I went, 'Go on.' He went, "There are 26 letters in the alphabet." I went, 'Yeah.' He went, "Think how many words you can make out of them." He went, "There are 48 numbers in the lottery." I went, 'yeah, 60 million to 1.' He went, "Yeah. Not worth it."

Karl: I looked into that in the week, right. And there’s even less letters in the Welsh alphabet, they’ve only got 20, and yet they’ve got loads of words as well. So even 20, the chances, if there was 20 numbers, and you had to pick 6 winners, it’d still be really,

Steve: Unlikely.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah! You should be a mathematician. And anyway, so we got talkin’ about it, we got talk – me, him and Jane, yeah, and I told Jane that he said about, oh, if he won the lottery, he doesn’t like travelin’ much, she went, Why you don’t like travelin? and, uh, he went, Well, I don’t like planes, I’m really scared of planes, and that, Well, if you won’t the lottery, you could have a world cruise! And he went, No. She went, Don’t fancy that? He went, No. He said If you go on a world cruise, what do you do next year?

Steve hoos, haas, heehees

Ricky: Genius!

Steve: Ohh … it’s brilliant logic, Karl! You, you know on the world cruise you don’t actually see the whole world. I mean, you -

Ricky: And if you did, it’s not like say 'Well I don’t want to see that twice.'

Steve hahas

Steve: I mean, it is the world.

Ricky: It is the world. There’s a lot. There’s a lot to see.

Steve: Sorry, did it – did it never dawn on you before, about the numbers, at lottery. Have you been playing this for years and thinking that you had a good chance, and thinking that it was just like you and a handful of other people that were doin it.

Karl: Just as much chance as everyone else, but then when you actually sit down, think about what you’re doin,

Ricky: Sure. He’s done it again this week, he went, I’m doin it one more time, and he showed me the numbers, and he went They look a bit more healthy, don’t they.

Steve hahas

Ricky: Aw,

Steve: What numbers you goin’ for this week?

Karl: It’s all right laughing, but we’ll see you tonight!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on then. You know people – if people do this, and they win, you take these out and people do these, you’ll have to share it with someone. That’s all right though, innit. Give ‘em a chance, tell ‘em - give, give people a clue. What numbers are ya doin, Karl?

Karl: Naw, I’m not gonna tell ‘em all. I’ll, I’ll give you four. I’ve got 5 – 9 – 12 – and 26.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: You’re not gonna give us the other two?

Karl: No! That’s a big difference, innit.

Ricky: What are they –

Karl: Four’s worth about 8 grand, innit. If I give ‘em the other two and it wins,

Ricky: Yeah. What are those 4 numbers again?

Karl: 5 – 9 – 12 – 26.

Ricky: Also coming up is Karl’s GCSE results. He took them in 1988, I think, and we’ve got, we’ve phoned his school, we tracked ‘em down, we’ve got Karl’s GC, GCS, -- what did I say?

Steve: How many did you get, Rick?

Ricky explodes with laughter

Steve laughs

Song: The Stone Roses - I Wanna Be Adored

If You Didn't Have Bad Things, You Wouldn't Enjoy the Good Things

Song: Clinic - Walking with Thee

Ricky: Clinic, Walking with Thee. Sorry about that earlier – you know I like to keep a tight, slick ship. And that, lets us all down. Dunnit. When something goes wrong with the shoddy equipment in this place. Why don’t you buy some new stuff? Must be earnin’ a bit of money now, mustn’t you. You got a few listeners now, we got adverts, don’t we. Why don’t they just buy a new CD player? You can go down to Richer Sounds and get one for 50 quid.

Karl: I dunno. I suppose when you’re startin’ off, you save the money you make first, before you spend it.

Ricky: Go down to Record and Tape Exchange, take all the 4 Non Blondes and INXS stuff you’ve got.

Steve: Outa the record library,

Ricky: You’ll be able to get an old CD player.

Karl: It’s only 5 minutes, this week, it took.

Ricky: What? What’d I say?

Steve: What? The 4 Non Blondes, obligatory mention?

Ricky laughs

Karl: I think we should make that sort of, call in to win feature.

Steve: Karl, are we using the equipment that you used to use when you had, uh, Pilkie’s Makin Music, the DJ outfit that you –

Ricky: I love that. That was Karl Pilkington and, Someone Makin?

Karl: Colin Makin.

Steve: Colin Makin.

Ricky: Col – Pilkie’s Makin Music.

Steve: Genius. Are we using that same equipment?

Ricky: That’s great. Did you earn any money?

Karl: Um, I paid for the tube lights and that. I sort of, covered me costs.

Ricky: Didja? Did you pay any tax on that?

Karl: No.

Steve and Ricky titter

Karl: That’s what they got Al Capone on, innit.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It is, yeah! That’s right. Don’t worry about the music policy, we’re sortin’ it out. We got some Verve comin’ up, we got, uh, some Jimmy Webb, we got some Nick Cave, we got some Aimee Mann, we got some Travis, Cornershop, you know what I mean, we’re, we’re sortin’ ourselves out,

Steve: Some big names there.

Ricky: We just start – we haven’t started yet. We’re just startin’ gettin’ goin’, we’ve got some, uh, Karl’s GCSE results,

Karl: Let’s do it now.

Ricky: Should we do it now?

Steve: Well let’s – I think we should have a White Van Man session –

Ricky: Oh, a White Van Man-

Steve: ‘Cause I think people tune in for the White Van Man session, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, people haven’t tuned in, they don’t know -

Steve: If people aren’t familiar with this, The Sun runs a column every day which is asking some punter on the street their views on the week’s big events, and we thought, why not just hijack that idea, but apply it to Karl Pilkington. Karl –

Karl: I’ve not seen much news again this week.

Steve: You haven’t seen much news. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have an opinion in it.

Ricky: Just give us it from your heart.

Karl: Saw Gladiator.

Steve: Ok, well on the subject of Gladiator, what do you make of Russell Crowe’s appalling behavior at the BAFTAs.

Karl: This is um, I heard a bit about this. This is when he got some director, or something,

Ricky: The producers, threatened ‘em ... ‘cause they cut his bit, didn’t they.

Steve: Yeah, they cut a poem that he’d done, during the acceptance speech.

Karl: See, I – I watched it, on Sunday night, I didn’t realise it wasn’t live, to be honest, but, I quite liked the way it was to the point, didn’t mess about, it was, he went up, he said thanks,

Steve: So you’re saying that he SHOULDN’T have beaten up the director. Is that what you’re basically saying.

Karl: It’s a bit over the top.

Steve: You thought so.

Karl: I mean, if you didn’t have time – if you’re really, I mean what’s, what’s the poem got to do with the film, anyway, it was an awards for a film -

Steve: So do you think it’s ever justified, to beat up a TV director if you’re a major Holllywood star.

Karl: Depends what he’s done, but I mean,

Steve: Right. What would he have to have done, Karl, for it to be fine for him to then beat him up.

Karl: The thing is, right, forget all the beatin’ up. At the end of the day, it was an awards thing for a film. The poem had nothin’ to do with the film,

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And to go, collect your award for the thing, and if you really really wanted people to hear about this poem, he could’ve photocopied it, and left it out at the entrance, and said, On your way out, this is a really nice poem, pick one up.

Steve hoohoos

Ricky: No, but the thing is, he knew it was televised, so he knew by sayin’ that poem once, he was reaching, 5 million people. That’s a lot – that’s a lot of photocopies. Do you see what I’m sayin. I’m not sayin’ it was justified.

Karl: Yeah, but it wasn’t a poem award. If it was an awards show for poems, you’d say, You can’t cut it out, it’d be like doin’ the Top 40 and then goin’, Number 1’s good, but we haven’t got time for it.

Steve laughs

Karl: But it’s a films thing.

Ricky: Ok.

Karl: And he went up, and he got the award for the film, which film was it for?

Ricky: I don’t know. But when I wanted to give you your results, I said, 'Let’s give Karl his results.' Steve went, "No, we should introduce people to Karl again, just remind people what Karl’s like, and he’s so right." I’m so glad we did this first.

Steve heehees

Karl: Am I right, though.

Ricky: Carry on, Steve.

Steve: All right, the next uh, the next topic, um, what about this big debate over whether Kylie Minogue has had a bum job.

Karl: I’d have to see it.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Next!

Steve: Ok. What d'you make of Will Young’s single, he’s the Pop Idol winner, it’s gonna net record-breaking sales, apparently, it’s gonna go straight to Number 1, he’s had millions of copies sold,

Karl: I heard that last week, that you had to, um, if you wanted to buy it from Woolworths, you had to go in, and pop a pound down, to guarantee gettin’ a copy.

Ricky: Well ..

Karl: I think that’s stupid.

Steve: But what do you make of it, though. Do you think um,

Karl: What, as a song?

Steve: Both as a song and do you – are you excited about Will Young, and his future?

Karl: He’ll do all right, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him, but he’ll do all right. It’s not my thing but, seems like a nice bloke.

Steve: Ok. Jolly good.

Ricky: One final one?

Steve: Yeah, one final one then. What do you make of our scientists getting the go-ahead to clone embryos for research. We have discussed cloning before, and obviously there’s uh, the pros and cons of that. Christopher Reeve, former Superman star, he’s behind this. Are you behind him?

Karl: Yeah .. I mean, with everything, you have your good and your bad, don’t you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: At the end of the day, uh, if you didn’t have bad things in the world, then you wouldn’t enjoy the good things. I think, you know, it’s like if you didn’t have robbers in the world, policemen wouldn’t have a job. So it’s the same thing. It’s like, it’s an illness, yeah, someone – what-what-what are they messin’ with?

Steve: It’s, probably a bit too detailed to go into there, really, but uh,

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: There’s good and bad. You can’t have it all.

Steve: Ying and yang, is what you’re saying.

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Ok, Karl, I can’t argue with that, mate.

Ricky: Um, I want to play a track now that uh, I haven’t heard for a while. It’s The Verve, innit. Sonnet. Lovely song.

Steve: Coming soon – those big exam results.

Song:The Verve - Sonnet

Song:Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love

What Do You Mean, Register?

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Spread Your Love, it’s time to give Karl – you’re actually nervous, aren’t you – I’m a little bit nervous, uh, just to recap, Karl, is 30 this year, he never went to get his results, of his GCSEs. So, myself and Steve, took it upon ourself to phone his school, track them down, and we actually got your results. What did you think you took?

Karl: Ahh, did English.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Uh, Maths.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Art.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Uh, and I think I did Physics.

Ricky: Ok. Well, you didn’t do any of them.

Karl: Eh?

Ricky: You didn’t do any of them. You didn’t register. You registered for one exam and took one exam, and got results for one exam. So I don’t know what you thought you were turning up to, or you weren’t registered, or you didn’t –

Steve: You’re familiar with the notion of registering, for an exam. You have to kind of officially register in order to be eligible.

Karl: What do you mean, register? I turned up, for a couple,

Steve: Yeah, you can’t just show up. You have to register for them.

Ricky: You have to – to pay. ‘Cause it costs the school money, so they would have to have paid for you, if they thought you were gonna pass. You can’t just turn up on the day and ask for some paper at the front.

Karl: I never got a letter tellin’ me that.

Steve: Well that’s ‘cause you were never at school.

Ricky: But you did somehow register or registered for one exam. You registered, for History.

Steve: It’s a topic that you’ve, always been interested in.

Karl: I was sayin’ to Ricky before, uh, World War II – I loved it,

Steve: Not – I mean, not the actual event – the study of it, you mean.

Karl: No, just all the stuff, like you know, about the Anderson shelters, and stuff like that, bombs and that, and um, and then when I took it, it had nothing to do with that. It was more about the Tudors.

Steve: So it didn’t – the 2nd World War didn’t come up. You mean there were no questions about the Anderson shelters?

Karl: Nothing.

Steve: That’s devastating.

Karl: So,

Steve: So what are you expecting the result to be?

Karl: Is that, seriously, is that it?

Ricky: Yep. It’s the only one you took and registered for.

Steve: As far as the school is concerned,

Ricky: It’s the only one that counts, it’s the only result, it’s the only one that counts.

Karl: I don’t – did you register, for yours?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: I have – yeah, I got certificates and everything.

Karl: So what, do you do that before the exam, you have to go somewhere, and sign something, or,

Ricky: Yeah, you don’t check your results and then decide if you want to register. It not like Millionaire, when you look at the question and go, I think I’ll take the money.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But anyway, you must’ve registered for one, or maybe your teacher put it in,

Karl: Well I didn’t do it!

Ricky: They must be confident. They must’ve been confident, they must’ve thought your best bet was History.

Karl: Right, so …what did I get.

Ricky: Um, you got an E. Which is – which, I think, I mean, technically, is a pass.

Karl: E?

Ricky: It’s a bad pass. But there’s F, and then there’s U –

Steve: You’re not gonna be doin’ a PhD,

Ricky: You can get an F, right, which is Fail, and then a U, which is Ungraded. Now I don’t know why the U exists, right, ‘cause F means you failed. U is like them going You not only failed, but you wasted my time.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: We’re annoyed, that you took this exam.

Karl: So they thought they’d register me to get an E.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Well they didn’t – I think they were hoping – it was rather like you with the lottery. They were hoping for something better than, nothing.

Ricky: You see, I assumed that the man who registered for that thought, He can scrape an E if Anderson shelters come up.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: God…

Ricky: Well, that’s it. You’ve got, you’ve got. Now, what I’d like to do, Karl, is, I’ve started your reeducation, you’ve read a book on Rasputin, I’ll be askin’ you a few questions about that later, I’ve got another book for you to read next week. Next week, I’ve got a little –

Karl: I’m not in the mood.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Not in the mood.

Ricky: Oh, come on! Look – what’s that? What does that say?

Karl: It’s that fella, it’s that picture of the bloke they used to use for Citizen Smith.

Ricky: Yeah, Che Guevara.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Uh, he was quite happy, I think, when he found out that Robert Lindsay was involved. He went, Yeah, ‘course you can. No worries. No worries, yeah.

Steve: What are your feelings, Karl, what do you think.

Ricky: Are you depressed?

Karl: I’m just a bit annoyed, ‘cause I’m sure I turned up for more, so it just wasted me time.

Ricky: Listen – they don’t matter –

Karl: I’m sure I did more,

Ricky: You’re doing very well, you know you can educate yourself, GCSEs are merely a step in order to help you, not just your education, but, you know, they’re more vocational than anything else. You’re doing very well, and you’re reading books. Don’t worry about it.

Steve: It’s not a concern.

Ricky: But if you want, if you want, I’ll pay for you to take History again.

Steve: Karl, we’d love to see you get, a C or above, and we’re willing to –

Ricky: I’ll pay for you, all right, and I’ll get you some books, right? Now listen – listen – um, we could, look, look, let’s get – I reckon, when are they exams, June?

Steve: Something like that, yeah.

Ricky: We’ll register – we’ll try and register you next week, and I reckon you can get an A or B.

Steve: In History.

Karl: I’m busy, I’m busy.

Ricky: No, don’t worry about it, it’s just easy. I’ll get you Brodie’s Notes. If Heat – Heat Magazine, they, they, they, they love you, Karl. They can prob’ly sort summat out. They can prob’ly pay for a tutor. They got a lot of money, they sell a lot of magazines.

Steve: I mean, it is always, almost always, and you found that out, I discovered this, it’s always the Tudors and Stuarts. There’s no fear for them not coming up. Now what do you already know about them? You must know stuff about Henry the 8th, and Elizabeth.

Karl: No, ‘cause, it’s just, it’s too long ago to even get interested in. Do y’know’I mean? You can’t get into it –

Ricky: Is that why you didn’t –

Karl: The Anderson thing, it was like, God, you know, me mam and dad were in Anderson shelter, this is interesting. Me granddad would’ve like, had something to do with this. But the Tudors – it’s like, I don’t even know if I had a family back then.

Ricky explodes with laughter

Ricky: Play a record! Can we come back to this? Sorry – Steve – sorry -

Steve: No, hang on – hang on – no, I just, ‘cause I need to introduce my, the new feature, for –

Ricky: Yeah. ‘I don’t know if I had a family back then’. You’re a genius, Karl.

Steve: Karl, let me just ask you now – right, if you can finish this sentence, we’ve got a chance. “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced Beheaded – “

Karl: Died. What is it?

Steve: We just need to do a little bit o’ work. But otherwise I think you’re gonna be fine. It’s how you remember what happened to Henry the 8th’s wives.

Ricky: They’re little –

Steve: “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded – “

Karl: Uh,

Ricky: It’s like “SPAM” – support, what’s it, support, protection, anchorage, movement. That’s how it –

Steve: You’re gonna con- that’s nothing to do with the Tudors and Stuarts.

Ricky: No, it has to do with the skeleton.

Steve: Yeah, no, see, we’re not doin’ Biology.

Ricky: Mnemonics and acronymns, and,

Steve: What happened to Henry the 8th’s last wife. Did she die, or did she not die? “Divorced, Beheaded Died. Divorced, Beheaded –“

Karl: Do you know that, the only king that has got a mustache, is - no.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: The only king that hasn’t got a mustache is the King of Hearts, on the playing cards.

Ricky: What’s the record you want to play?

Steve: Um, I want to resurrect the career of a different artist each week, this is an artist who's overlooked by the general public.

Karl: It’s a red card.

Steve: This is Aimee Mann, and, she always seems to get overlooked,

Ricky: Well that’s got one eye.

Steve: I think it’s called Red Vines. Play it, Karl.

Song:Aimee Mann - Red Vines

Divorced, Beheaded, Died

Ricky: Fantastic.

Steve: You see, what upsets me is the way that, Aimee Mann, she’s written songs as good as that, it’s released as a single, she had to I think put the album from which that’s taken out by herself, over the internet, she was Oscar-nominated, for songs in the film Magnolia, she couldn’t get a record label, I don’t know if she’s not got one, and yet there’s people like Alanis Morissette, shifting –

Ricky: That is absolutely beautiful.

Steve: - shedloads of songs. I don’t understand what the rules are, I don’t understand why she’s not a household name.

Ricky: Karl, when there’s beautiful things like that in the world, why do you care about a poxy GCSE.

Karl: Well, what did she get for History?

Ricky laughs

Steve: What did she get for History?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I think she did very poorly.

Ricky: Why do you care. See, I was just gonna say – this has backfired a little bit, ‘cause Karl is genuinely, I don’t know if he is actually upset, or embarrassed, but it doesn’t matter. It – why does it matter. You were 15 and didn’t go to school.

Karl: If you were me friends, I think you would’ve just said, Oh, we can’t find them.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: But you wanted to know!

Karl: What am I meant to do with that?

Ricky: Well, what do you mean? What do you mean. It’s ridiculous! Do it again ‘cause you want to learn, ‘cause it’s like – there’s great things in the world, to learn about. Don’t worry – GCSE is vocational, it’s, you know, vocationally, for 15 – 16 year olds to go on to do A levels or whatever, or to get results, but you don’t, you don’t, you don’t need that, ‘cause you’ve done very well, um, you don’t care about the Tudors and Stuarts, I mean, you know.

Karl: I mean, I’ve had a coupla jobs, not this one, ‘cause you don’t need qualifications to get a job –

Ricky: Obviously.

Steve: In the radio. Yeah.

Ricky: Obviously, right.

Karl: But ones I have got, in the past, I did, because I didn’t collect ‘em, I had to lie. And I didn’t, I didn’t, like, go mad, I didn’t say I had As and stuff, but I think – I mean, I didn’t put History down, ‘cause I didn’t know I did it.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: So it’s a bonus!

Karl: I kinda treated meself to like a D, and a coupla Cs and that, but it’s like, it’s not -

Steve: I love the fact that Karl even then was honourable. It’s like, I’ll at least put down the ones I think I took, and lie, but the ones I didn’t take, I won’t lie about.

Ricky: Yeah – yeah, and don't give yourself a B. If you’re gonna lie, give yourself a B next time, Karl.

Karl: Well, it could backfire, could’it. I mean, me brother’s a bit mental, and he used to do things like go for jobs and say, "Oh, yeah, I’ve done this before." Like bein’ a mechanic, and he’s never even picked up a spanner.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And yet, he’d have the confidence to go and try an' fix cars. Where I’m not that daft, but, God, an E.

Steve: Who do you blame, for this.

Karl: That’s just an easy way out. I have to blame meself, don’t I.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: What was the teacher like.

Karl: Well, there’s loads of different ones, I didn’t like - I mean the History teacher, she, it is me own fault, because with her, she’s a bit mental. And I used to kinda stop the lesson by saying, "Oh, Miss, tell us about your fireplace you’ve got that is made from a gravestone."

Ricky: That would stop any History teacher in her tracks!

Karl: No, but, and she loved tellin’ you about it, ‘cause it was like,

Ricky: I learned that from a teacher too.

Karl: So that’s why I didn’t know about “divorce, head loss,” and all that,

Ricky: “dandruff, legs”. “Horse, head loss, dandruff, legs”.

Steve: Remember now: “Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived”. That’s all you gotta remember.

Karl: And - and what’s that.

Steve: That’s what happened to Henry the 8th’s various wives.

Ricky: In order.

Steve: In order.

Karl: What does it spell out.

Ricky: No, it doesn’t spell –

Steve: It doesn’t spell anything, you’ve just got to remember the rhythm.

Ricky: It – it – in order in which he married.

Karl: Yeah, but it helps. It’s like when me mum taught me the alphabet, she taught me as like a song.

Ricky begins to sing the Alphabet Song

Karl: Yeah – no, not like that. That’s how everyone else could do it and I couldn’t do it that way.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: What tune did she do it to?

Karl: It was, uh,

Karl sings Mrs P’s Alphabet Song

Song:Dandy Warhols - Get Off

Educating Karl

Ricky: Dandy Warhols, Get Off. On Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant,

Steve: Hello!

Ricky: It’s 5 past 2 on the day that Karl, our producer, found out that he had an E in History GCSE, and nothing else, ‘cause he didn’t actually register. I can’t believe he registered for that. I don’t know –

Karl: I didn’t –

Ricky: Someone else put you in. No, they can’t have put you in, ‘cause you were away. They prob’ly said, Oh, he didn’t register and that. Listen. Obviously, you feel a little bit melancholy, ‘cause it’s like you’re hearin’ it for the first time, so it’s like you’re 16 again. But, it was to be expected, but listen, it doesn’t matter –

Karl: It doesn’t. It doesn’t.

Ricky: It actually doesn’t matter, but listen. But listen. Take it again. Take it again. Is there – is there a history teacher, listening. Um, what’s the number. 07 - 08 00 800 123.

Karl: 4.

Ricky: If they can tell us the syllabus this year –

Karl: What’s that number again.

Ricky: What is it? Sorry, what is it?

Karl: 08700 –

Ricky: I – and I got, I’ve got Maths!

Karl: Aw.

Ricky: 08700 800 1234. Mine’s more laziness, that I couldn’t be bothered to say that last digit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Really. I’d done the, but most of the words,

Steve: Rick, let’s not – if we get on to your problems,

Ricky laughs

Steve: Then we’re gonna be - it’s a whole other show.

Karl: It doesn’t matter, really, ‘cause like you say, right, I’ve done all right for meself,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It’s that, it’s that whole thing of like, uh, when you get older, if you find out that your dad’s not your dad, it’s like it doesn’t matter, he was a dad to me.

Ricky: Absolutely.

Karl: D’y’know what I mean.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Absolutely.

Karl: So,

Ricky: Are you – are you saying Mr Nuttle wasn’t your real teacher.

Steve gives a mild laugh

Steve: Give out the number again, Rick? What we after?

Ricky: Uh, 08700 800 1234. Is there a History teacher out there, that may know how we can – is he too late to register this time,

Steve: What’s the syllabus this year,

Ricky: Do we have to pay for it, and does he want to earn, like (whistles) 25 quid cash-in-hand, to give Karl a coupla lessons. I’ll stump that up. Take it yeah, it’ll be great. Fantastic.

Karl: I prob’ly won’t want to do it though.

Ricky: We’ll film it.

Karl: It’s that thing of,

Ricky: It’ll be a documentary on Choice.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Ricky: Heat Magazine will be right behind it. They’ll be - you know. Little clues – we could have a question and answer – little quizzes. Know’I mean?

Steve: Rick, before we play the next record, I just been looking through the Xfm Gig Guide, and I just want to let you know that at Spitz this evening, Commercial Street, E1, doors open at 8 o’clock, Gut Bucket are playing. So - no, but just, I know a lot of listeners will probably want to know that. So I don’t want anyone to miss out on the Gut Bucket gig at Spitz tonight, Commercial Street, E1.

Ricky: That’s a good plug for the uh, the Gut Bucket boys. Uh –

Steve: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage –

Ricky: Now, Steve just played one of the most beautiful records, I mean – so I’m gonna up the ante here, and I’m gonna play another Jimmy Webb track. I played it off Ten Easy Pieces, uh, last week, and I have played this track before, but a different version. You’ll know it obviously better by Glen Campbell, he wrote a lot of songs for Glen Campbell, and this is Galveston. And this is absolutely beautiful.

Song:Jimmy Webb - Galveston

Sort of an Old Version of Rocky

Ricky: Jimmy Webb there, and uh, Galveston. See, during that, Karl said, "What’s this about?" Didn’t ya. See, it’s these, things you’re interested in, see. If only you were that inquisitive when the Tudors and Stuarts came up. You’d have a C or B.

Karl: We didn’t do Stuarts.

Ricky: Didn’t ya?

Karl: It was just Tudors.

Ricky: Aw. They’re the worst, aren’t they. Stuarts, I’ve got a lot of time for, the Tudors can fff - you know ‘ I mean? Listen. Right. As you know, I lent Karl, as part of his education, his historical education, I lent Karl, um, Gladiator, the movie, on DVD, which he watched on his Playstation 2, and uh, Rasputin,

Karl: Did you know last week, when you gave me this, did you know my result for History.

Ricky: No.

Karl: That’s weird, innit.

Ricky: Yep. Now, uh, right, Ok, it’s the film review. Karl, tell us from the heart, tell us what you thought of the film,

Steve: Can I just ask, is this the first time you’d seen Gladiator. You’d never seen it before.

Karl: No.

Steve: Ok. And what were your thoughts?

Ricky: Ok. The Film Review. Gladiator.

Ricky makes sound effect noises

Karl: Um, it’s all right. Noth- nothing great. It’s like, it’s like an old, sort of an old version of Rocky, done in the olden days, really.

Steve: Right ..

Karl: But in the old bloke, fighting other people,

Steve: Sure.

Karl: How – how sort of well-known is this story? Do you reckon people know the basics.

Ricky: Well just - just quickly do the plot.

Karl: All right, quickly. There’s a guy called Max. Um,

Ricky: Maxiumus, yeah.

Karl: Yep. There’s Caesar, and there’s Caesar’s kid. And, uh, Max goes to war, sorta wings it, comes back, uh, Caesar says, You’re good at what you do. I wish me son was as good as you, uh, so I want you to be in charge when I die, his kid finds out, bit annoyed about it, kills his dad, because he didn’t want anyone to hear that he said he wants him to be in charge,

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, his kid gets in charge and thinks, I’ll show ya. You’re not gonna be king, I am, you’re gonna be a slave or something. And, the next thing you see is –

Steve: My – sorry - can I just stop you there – my only concern is the film is 3 hours long.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So, maybe you shouldn’t go through the whole plot.

Ricky: We’ve done the first 10 minutes. But, go on. So yeah, he’s a slave, and then,

Karl: But then, that was an interesting bit that I thought, right, I mean, I was watching this with the girlfriend and she was already annoyed ‘cause she wanted to watch Friends on E4.

Steve and Karl laugh

Karl: So, so,

Steve: It was a good episode as well, this week.

Karl: Was it. Don’t tell her that!

Steve: Ok.

Karl: So um, so she was annoyed and she said, Come on then, put it on. And I got it wrong straight away, ‘cause it says on the back, 149, so I thought that was an hour and 49 minutes, turns out it was 149, no, I thought it was 1 hour 49,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But it was 149 minutes.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: So it – it overran, anyway.

Ricky: By 40 minutes.

Karl: Yeah. So, anyway, the interesting bit was when he was goin’ across the desert on a horse. And I think to show you how long he’d been goin’ across the desert on his ‘orse, they show you a shot of the horse’s knees and they were bleeding, and I just wonder if that’s what ‘orses do if they run for a long time. Do you know?

Ricky: I don’t.

Karl: All right, so anyway, so he goes on, keeps going on like this, um, he’s a slave, and then, he has a fight at the end with, the - Caesar’s kid, and he kills him. And … that’s how it ended.

Ricky: Ok. Good. What did you think of it, just generally, what, what bits, what do you think was wrong with it.

Karl: Right. Well, I’ve read up on it, and there’s already a fact that is wrong.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Max, no – Caesar’s kid, he didn’t actually kill his dad, his dad died of a natural death,

Steve: Right. In real life you know.

Karl: Yeah. And, u, what’s, what’s Caesar’s kid’s name – Comedian, something.

Steve: I think it’s Comedian. That’s where the name comes from, a funny person is called a comedian –

Karl: He didn’t actually get killed in real life by Max,

Steve: No.

Karl: He died by his sister, poisonin’ him, and um, and he didn’t die – nonono

Ricky: Are you saying, are you saying that this is not a historical document?

Karl: It’s – it’s wrong.

Steve: All over the place.

Ricky: Well next week we’re gonna do Braveheart, and that is actually true. That is, that is factually accurate,

Karl: No, I can’t handle it.

Ricky: No, it is, it is. It was a little Australian fella that helped them out.

Karl: Just the people who watched it,

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: They know that they, they um, the um, the guy, Caesar’s kid, he died, uh, his sister tried to poison him, that didn’t work. Apparently he was a gay fella.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: And, his boyfriend who was a wrestler strangled him.

Steve: Where did you get this information?

Karl: On the internet. I thought I’d look it up to see how much of it I actually got right.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: And, that’s what I read.

Ricky: Ok, so uh, out of 10?

Karl: (Exhales) 5.

Ricky: Really.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Ok!

Karl: It’s not good. I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t get it out. I want – it’s annoying the way it says like, this film has got to be seen at the cinema, ‘cause, I saw it at home and I don’t think I missed out on anything.

Ricky: Very good point. I think that’s, probably the point they’re making, but, yours is – yours is valid, too. Well, play a record and after that I’m gonna ask you about Rasputin. The Mad Monk.

Song:Travis - Sing

Rasputin, Rapunzel, and the Three Billy Goats Gruff

Ricky: Travis, and Sing. I like that. It’s all right. It’s a bit, it’s a bit easy, it’s not their best, like their earlier stuff a little better, you know. But, what I don’t like is them throwing around mollusks. I don’t like it when that poor little octopus gets flung around. I know it’s dead, but there’s something, there’s a certain lack of respect, for the

Steve: The old, mollusk.

Ricky: For the, squid and the whole octopi fraternity.

Karl: Yeah. If I said to ya I used to go to Wales for me holidays, and they used to get washed up on the beach and people used to run over them on their motorbikes.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: And they were cheering and stuff, and it was just like, Do you realise what you’re doing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sick, isn’t it.

Karl: But anyway, uh, Gladiator, just was gonna add on the end of that, um, if you’re into that sort of film, Jason and the Argonauts is probably a better bet.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Is that factually accurate?

Steve: Did you look that up – did, did skeletons actually come out of the ground and fight?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I dunno, but it’s a more enjoyable film.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Ok.

Karl: It’s shorter.

Ricky: Ok, now, um, just moving um, quickly on, to the last item on Karl’s re-education this week, uh, Rasputin. You read a little book about Rasputin. Uh,

Steve: What did you know about Rasputin before you read the book, Karl.

Ricky: Can I just tell you –

Karl: Aww..

Ricky: When I handed him this book, it was my house, he went, he went, "Aw, is he the one that lived under the bridge?"

Steve hahoos

Ricky: And I went, What do you mean? He went, the fella that lived under the bridge, and he had to, and he went, and you had to pass him with the, the, and Jane, um, went, You’re thinking of, um, Rapunzel. And he went, Yeah, and I went, Well that’s not Rapunzel either. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, you had to guess his name.

Steve: The person who lived under the bridge was the troll in the 3 little – goats gruff.

Ricky: Yeah. “I’m a troll, fol-de-roll”. So, to answer our question, Steve, that’s what he knew about Rasputin.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Ok?

Steve: So have you read this whole book – can I just have a look at it, Rick.

Ricky: This whole book. It’s about the size of a beer mat.

Steve: Yeah. I’m just (mumbles)... So did you read the whole thing?

Karl: No.

Ricky: He didn’t even do that.

Steve: You didn’t read the whole thing.

Karl: Wull, again, some of the names in there are so long and foreign-sounding that I just thought, I can’t, I can’t remember all these.

Ricky: No.

Karl: So I just got to the meat of the story.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Go on – what’ve you learned about Rasputin.

Karl: All right. Um, he was um, he was a monk.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Mad? Was he a mad monk?

Karl: Hang on a minute.

Steve: Don’t confuse him.

Ricky: Sorry.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Um – God. See, this is what happened in me exams!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Right, he was, he was –

Ricky: Don’t do that when I’m drinkin’. Please, Karl.

Karl: He loved his women, and that’s how the, how the story started off, uh, he had really nice -

Ricky: How the story started off! Yeah.

Karl: He had really nice eyes, and that’s what everyone fell for, especially the women.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Anyway, they thought the people back then thought he had special powers because um, he could hypontise people or something,

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: And it was about a little lad who, um, who had some sort of blood clot on his leg, and he said, Just calm down, and you’ll be all right. And people thought he had special powers. But what it was, what he was doing is saying, Calm down and relax, and it stopped the blood flowing, sort of, as fast, and that’s how he got better. But anyway, that’s the only bit of special work that he did, and then he kept going on and he was going in brothels and all that, and um, and the people in the town thought, This isn’t right, he shouldn't be going around doing this, and um,

Ricky: Where’d he live?

Karl: Uh, Russia.

Ricky: All right.

Karl: Is that right.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: What sort of era?

Ricky: I thought you might-

Karl: About 1800.

Ricky: Oh right, Ok.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: And uh, and then,

Ricky: Do you wanna check that, Steve? You’ve got the book.

Steve: Well, I know for a fact that’s not right.

Karl: People got sick of him, and uh, and they said, Oh, we’ll have to get rid of him, and he tried to, he loved cakes as well as women,

Steve: Ok!

Karl: So they said, let’s poison a cake,

Ricky: Easier than poisoning a woman.

Karl chuckles

Karl: And uh, and he ate these cakes, and they just didn’t kill him, and he was like, God, what’s going on, and they kept givin’ him more and more cakes, and,

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: He wasn’t suspicious!

Karl: And that didn’t work so the fella said, Ah, that’s it, I’m gonna shot ‘im.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, I imagine it was the end of his tether!

Karl: So,

Ricky: I mean, he was back and forth to Mr Kipling’s,

Karl: He shot him once, and that didn’t work and the fella thought, "Oh, my God", and he started runnin’ away, and Rasputin’s running after him, and he shoots him another, I think he took four

Ricky: Face full of Battenburg!

Karl almost laughs

Karl: Four – four bullets, until

Ricky: I thought he was gonna swear then.

Karl: It took to kill him, and then this fella that was after him chucked him in an icy lake, and that was the end of ‘im. But I don’t understand, sort of,

Ricky: What don’t you understand, Karl?

Karl: Well, the fact that, y’know, he’s a bit of a name, in history. I don’t understand why, ‘cause, he just sounds a bit like me brother.

Ricky explodes with laughter

Steve: Does he love women and cakes, and do you think that will be his downfall.

Ricky: Right. I want you to study. Right. If you wanna do, that’s the first instruction - if you want to do some extra-curricular, um, stuff, there’s a song by Boney M. that lays it out –

Karl: Yeah, yeah. Suzanne told me about that. Sayin’ about Russia’s greatest love machine.

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: But it didn’t say anything about cakes.

Ricky: No.

Karl: So –

Steve: I think you if you get the 12” mix

Ricky: They said, according to Boney M., and I don’t know who’s correct, the bloke who wrote that or M. they put some poison into his wine. Now I don’t know if, uh, uh, M., have done their research, or whether, yeah. Uh, they did shoot him until he was dead. Um, according to them he was the greatest love machine in Russia, again, I don’t think it says that in the book, but again, M. might know more from that fella.

Steve: So what’s your final verdict. On Ra-Ra-Rasputin.

Karl: Just um, just a normal bloke! Who, didn’t have that much luck, really. You know, that’s what I don’t understand. I was waiting for something special at the end. But, just a normal fella, really.

Ricky: Yep. Just an everyday – happens all the time, dunnit.

Steve: Just an everyday mad monk!

Ricky: Yep, just an everyday mad monk you have to shoot and poison and throw in icy lakes to kill him, and uh, who loves women and cakes. I mean, c’mon, do we need another one of them?!

Steve: Boring!

Karl: So what would you say about then? How would you sum him up?

Steve: I think you’ve done it!

Ricky: I think you’ve done it.

Steve: So next week, Che Guevara. You gonna read the book?

Karl: I dunno.

Steve: C’mon!

Ricky: Yeah. Next week: Che Guevara. Take it home. There he is.

Karl: Give it here then. Nice one.

Steve: Good luck.

Karl: Cheers.

Song: Cornershop - Lessons Learned From Rocky I To Rocky III

It Was a Skittle

Song: Sugababes - Are Freaks Electric

Ricky: Richard X, Sugarbabes are Freaks. Electric. Are they Karl?

Karl: Dunno. I feel like – feels like Christmas day.

Steve: What, and you didn’t get the gift you wanted.

Karl: Yeah, do you know that, like, anti-climax.

Steve: You’ve been looking forward to it for so long.

Karl: Yeah, you know,

Ricky: Well I knew you were looking forward to it ‘cause it took you 14 years to get the result, and then it was 2 other people that got ‘em for ya, but,

Steve: Do you wish that we hadn’t done it?

Karl: Ehhh … no. It’s all right.

Ricky: It’s all right, innit.

Steve: What’s your girlfriend gonna say.

Karl: I don’t think I’ll see her again.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: She, she likes a man who knows about the Tudors and Stuarts, does she?

Steve: Yeah – first Gladiator then this,

Ricky: Yeah, you’ve been bluffin’. Whenever she said, "What you think of those Tudors?", you go, 'Good, like, lots of things – look! There’s a bird!'

Steve: What happened to uh, Henry the 8th’s last wife? Aw,

Ricky: Aww. Ooh, yeah. Oh look – Friends is on telly!

Steve: Friends is on!

Karl: No, I just change the subject by sayin’ things like, you know, about the, the only king in a pack of cards.

Ricky: That threw her off the scent.

Steve: That threw us off he scent!

Ricky: That wouldn’t – that wouldn’t fool an invigilator, would it. That’s the thing. You can’t use that one with an exam board.

Steve: Karl, have you ever logged on to Friends Reunited. It was the site that everyone was talkin’ about last year.

Karl: No.

Steve: Are you aware of the concept?

Karl: I’ve heard about it. There’s no one I’ve gone to school that I’d want to see again.

Steve: So basically, for those that don’t know, you can log onto this website and it helps you track down your old schoolmates if they’ve also logged on and stuff. And we took the liberty of looking on the Friends Reunited site, and typing in your school, and trying to track down any of your old mates. We didn’t get in touch with any of them, don’t worry,

Ricky: We didn’t do that,

Steve: We’re not gonna surprise you with any of them now,

Ricky: No.

Steve: But I was just interested to know, like, some of your thoughts on some of the names that I can run past you. I mean these are people from your year, um, just tell me if you recognise the names. Alyson Birch?

Karl: I think I remember ‘er.

Steve: What’re your thoughts.

Karl: Uh,

Ricky: Don’t –

Steve: Don’t be libelous.

Ricky: Don’t be libelous. Don’t be like – no.

Karl: Posh, prob’ly did pretty well, in History an’ that.

Steve: Sarah Morris?

Karl: God, yeah! Remember ‘er.

Steve: Go on – you’re grinnin’, what’s the thought? Go on!

Karl: No, just um, she was all right. She was a popular one.

Steve laughs

Steve: What does that mean?!

Karl: Just – she was nice.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok, what about, Darren Buckley?

Karl: He was um, he was one of me best mates!

Steve: Was he really?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Seriously? What’d you reckon he’s doing now, do you still keep in touch?

Karl: Uh, when me mam and dad were still in Manchester and they had a butty shop, he used to go in ‘cause the bookies was next door.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: I love the way he paints a picture! If you did this in your History exam, Karl, you would walk it.

Steve: Go on. Your parents had a butty shop, there was a bookies next door.

Karl: Yeah, and he likes ‘avin’ a bit of a gamble, so he was, I think he works for some insurance company –

Steve: Do you think his fiance Beth knows that he’s got a gambling problem.

Ricky laughs

Karl: You are joking!

Steve: Or that his 2- year old son Louis.

Karl: No!

Steve: Yeah, they live in Cheadle Holme.

Karl: Hulme.

Steve: Cheadle Hulme.

Karl: They must be doin’ well, ‘cause it’s,

Steve: He still supports the Blue Army, and frequents the shrine on a fortnightly basis.

Karl: Funny thing with him is, right, when I used to stay over at his house, and his dad was a copper, and um, uh, I remember his dad came down and said, "Right, I want to see you two." And we thought, God, what’s happened. And uh, got us round the, round the table, and he said, "Do you know much about drugs?" So, we were like, 'What’s all this about?' So he goes, "You know, they’re not good for anyone, ya know, stupid things to get into." We were like, 'Yeah, we know.' He went, "You know, do ya?" We said, 'Yeah', He said, "What’s this then? And he’d found something in his bedroom, and it was a Skittle."

Steve laughs

Steve: What, the sweet!

Karl: You know, the little sweets with the ‘S’ on it.

Ricky: Oh really!

Karl: And he thought it were like drugs!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So he said, "Yeah, it’s a Skittle. I know what it is."

Ricky: Oh, he was bluffin’, like it was a slang word!

Karl: Yeah, he thought, because he was a copper he prob’ly had to be down with all the terms and that, and we said, 'Yeah, it’s a Skittle.' And he, he said, "Yeah, I know what it is, but what’s it doin’ in your bedroom." And he’s like, 'Naw, it’s a toffee.'

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: So uh, Darren there,

Ricky: "Yeah, I know it’s a toffee – it’s a squib – it’s, it’s a – " yeah.

Steve: Karl, more people from your past, Debbie Carr?

Karl: Yeah. She was uh, she was another nice one.

Steve laughs

Steve: What does that mean? Is that a euphemism?

Karl: No, she was one of them that you’d sort of go, Yeah, she’s nice, but she’d never be your girlfriend. D’y’know’I mean.

Steve: Not really.

Karl: Even though she was in the same year, she seemed a lot older.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: It wasn’t the teacher, was it?

Karl: And like, there was 3 of ‘em, they were all ‘ung together, and they seemed to hang around the old kids, the ones that looked like men.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What do you mean, look like men?

Karl: Well it’s just that, I had youthful sort of looks,

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Whereas the older ones had like beards and stuff.

Ricky explodes with laughter

Ricky: Just a gang of boys, in the fifth form, with beards! Were they smoking pipes?

Steve laughs

Ricky: Come here, me philly! Oi, Debbie Carr, come over ‘ere, you little beauty!

Karl: No, but she was lke -

Ricky: I love that! Hangin’ round with beards, there’s the big boys! Fishing. Lovely beards, what’ya’ mean?

Steve: I just see a whole row of George Bernard Shaws.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Brilliant!

Ricky: How did you do in History boy, you got an E. You’re an idiot. Aw.

Karl: Like were like um, I’d be there sort of, playing, punching people in the arm,

Ricky: Aw, yes.

Steve: That’s a great game.

Ricky: I love that Punch People in the Arm.

Steve: Is that part of the Olympics now?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I think it was exhibition this year, but

Steve: Right. But it’s gonna be pro next year?

Ricky: It’s got to be the Winter Olympics, ‘cause you’ve got to do it in a cap – sleeved shirt, in the winter,

Steve: Sure. But you were playing that,

Karl: She uh,

Ricky: But she didn’t appreciate that, she used to go, Ow!

Karl laughs

Karl: No, I always think, whilst I was doin’ that, they were like the Charlie’s Angels, and they were sortin’ out a mission somewhere. ‘Cause they were always, they were really like, there was somethin’ about ‘em, that you thought,

Ricky: I wonder if they're...

Steve: They were private detectives.

Ricky: What did they work for a man they never see!

Steve: Ok, well here’s a name I’m interested in. Well let me tell you the name of it first – Adam Clifton. Oh. Go on.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: What are your thoughts on Clifton?

Karl: Umm… he was one of them kids, he was all right, but he had that thing, where, if you didn’t have enough milk, he had like uh, wrinkly hands, and

Ricky laughs

Karl: Like white – white bits in his nails.

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: ‘Cause he didn’t have enough milk.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So therefore, you didn’t like him because he didn’t get enough milk.

Ricky: This is not to be confused with the 2 people with the big heads and the webbed feet, is it.

Karl: Webbed hands.

Steve: Well, what’s interesting -

Ricky: I love that they weren’t related – they’ve must’ve been somewhere along evolutionary, sort of trail, d’y’know’I mean? They must’ve come from the same sort of stock.

Steve: But Ka—

Karl: Nah, you wouldn’t have liked ‘em. He was just – he was just one ‘em of people, he was all right, but,

Steve: Before you say anymore, um, on Friends Reunited you can leave a little message which explains what you’ve been doing and what your life’s like now, and most people leave maybe 2 paragraphs, Adam, I’ve printed it off, he seems to have printed – I think there’s, there’s about 6 pages here, of stuff. He keeps updating it. And he just basically lists his memories, about everyone, Ok, at the school, and what he thinks of everyone. And uh, he’s just, I often see Simon, he’s doing all right for himself, self-employed illustrator, Mark Cooper, Karl Pilkington! And your name comes up. Now, I don’t know if you’ve told us this story, I think you may have done, but I can’t remember the facts about it. It just says, Karl PIlkington, with his pet bird. Was it a magpie? I can’t remember. He brought it to school to show everyone, and it flew away.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh God! Oh no, they do that, don’t they!

Steve: What was the story, Karl?

Ricky: You give ‘em seed, and they just leave –

Steve: This sounds like Kes!

Karl: Well that’s it, I was a big fan of Kes. And it was the time, our dog had just died, so I didn’t have any pets, and the cats were always getting’ run over,

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: And, um, so, we didn’t want any more pets. But there was a magpie that used to fly about on the estate, and I managed to um, sort of tame it.

Ricky: With a chair and a whip? What do you mean, you tamed it?

Karl: Well just used to sort of hang around it, and talk to it,

Ricky: How’d you get hold of it, did you catch it?

Karl: Well eventually, yeah, it used to just come to me. The annoying thing was, it got to a point when I wished I hadn’t bothered. Because it used to pop me bike tyres,

Ricky laughs

Karl: It used to sit, and like, if I was talkin’ to me mates, and I was on me Grifter,

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: I love the way he throws things in!

Steve: It’s like an Alan Bennett play!

Ricky laughs

Karl: It landed on me tyre, it used to peck at the time and pop it, and then, it used to,

Ricky: Oh no!

Karl: It used to, then, never go away, so it was always like, around the house, and me dad said, Never bring it in. So it used to sit on the porch, and I used to go out, and it used to fly down and land on me head. And it really hurt. It used to like peck and stuff.

Ricky: It thought it was a tyre!

Steve: So it wasn’t so much tamed, as a stalker!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: So you took it to school, and it flew away?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So did you take it in proudly, going, Look at – Oh.

Karl: I think it got confused in the area that it was in, ‘cause I used to just keep it around our estate,

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: But, the school was a bit of distance away.

Ricky: How did you get it there?

Karl: Carried it. On me finger.

Ricky: Did you walk?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: So it was happy then, eh?

Karl: It used to be one of those things that people would stop me in the street and go, Aw, what’s that. Maggie. I called it Maggie,

Steve: You didn’t get Charlie’s Angels to go and find out what happened to it, investigate it.

Ricky: Were they impressed?

Karl: Eh, not really.

Ricky: No. Listen,

Karl: But go on – any, any

Steve: Karl, let’s come back to it, mate, let’s come back to it. Let’s have a Hip Hop Hooray track. It’s the big hip hop selection from the big Steve Merchant – I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about there.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Just tryin’ to sound hip! This is Spearhead, from many years back, a track that I think got largely overlooked at the time, but worth hearing again. People in Tha Middle.

Song: Spearhead - People in Tha Middle

She Wanted Me

Ricky: Oh. Great.

Steve: Spearhead, People in Tha Middle, Michael Franti, surely one of the greatest rappers, I think. He’s just – if you’ve ever heard him bust it live, Rick, he’s almost as good as me.

Ricky: I’m just gonna tell the listeners there, Karl is quite an little insecure sorta chap, and he was just worried about that last bit, he was goin’, Who would ever find that interesting? He was worried about people findin’ him boring. And, Steve said, As I said, you know, it’s - it’s like an Alan Bennett thing. He went, Yeah, but, you know, no one would care about Alan Bennett if he wasn’t such a hit-maker, they wouldn’t care what he’d had to say, and we just looked at him for awhile and he said, Aw, I’m thinkin’ of Tony Bennett.

Steve hoohoos

Ricky: Bless him.

Steve: Listen, it’s almost the end of the show, Karl, and it’s really been a Karl Special,

Ricky: This is a Karl special, yeah.

Steve: But next week, we’ll lay off you next week. We’re not gonna uh,

Ricky: He wants to retire, a little bit, just uh,

Karl: One a those old lottery numbers might come up tonight anyway, so,

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: You might – what are they again? What’s the 4, you’ve come up with.

Karl: I’ve put ‘em away now.

Ricky: Well give us all 6.

Karl: No!

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Karl, while you’re um, rummaging for that,

Karl: 5 – 9 - 12 – 26.

Steve: A few more names you might recall from Friends Reunited.

Karl: Go on.

Steve: Lisa Shufflebotham?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Do you remember her?

Karl: Yeah. She um,

Steve: Was she one of Charlie’s Angels?

Karl: No. No. She wasn’t that nice, but she wanted me.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Her and her mate Rachel, I remember – I don’t know why, but it was some sort of PE lesson, where it had to be a bloke and 2 girls, and they were fightin’ over me.

Ricky: Could you hear what they were sayin’?

Karl: They were just like, I want ‘im. And I was lovin’ it. Stuck in the middle and they were fightin’ over me. And then the next week, I thought I’ll sit near them again,

Ricky: What sort of game do they play at your school?

Karl: I dunno!

Steve: That’s an incredible game!

Ricky: Punch me on the arm! No, punch me on the arm, Karl!

Karl: They just went through it, ‘cause the followin’ week I thought, Right, I’ll sit near them ‘cause I quite enjoyed the way they fighted over me, but then they picked somebody else, and I don’t know who I was with that week.

Steve: So you didn’t get any action with Shufflebotham, or her friend?

Karl: No. And as she got older, she went a bit off.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: She’s prob’ly nice now. It’s just – I mean, I’ll say about meself, when you get to sort of the end of secondary school, you do sort of go a bit odd looking.

Steve: Right.

Karl: D’y’know’I mean, when your sort of head grows funny.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I would just love to go back to his school, of that era, I mean, just what happened to people, where they’re – you know, all people sproutin’ limbs, and things,

Karl: No, but d’y’know’I mean, when you’re, you’re like 12 and that, you, you’re quite – no, not 12 – when you’re 10. I think it’s like 7-10 and you get your pictures and you’re like, Yeah, I was a good looking lad, but when you get to late secondary school, something happens,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And you look a bit odd.

Steve: Ok, well what about Allison Thorpe?

Karl: Not sure about her. I sort of know the name, can’t put a face to it.

Steve: Damien Comber?

Karl: Again, know the name, can’t remember anything.

Steve: That’s a shame. Well those are pretty much all the names I could find. We’ve had some interesting thoughts, though, interesting anecdotes.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Anyone in particular that you’d like to uh, to say hello to, that may be listening now,

Karl: No, I think I would have mentioned Darren Buckley, if you hadn’t brought him up, ‘cause he was like me buddy,

Ricky: Yeah. Did you ever see the um, uh, magpie again, when you took it to school and confused it.

Karl: No.

Ricky: You’re joking! That was the end of it, was it.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: So where did it go?

Karl: Prob’ly, uh, to some other kid. ‘Cause I mean -- actually, it prob’ly got killed. ‘Cause if, if it was bein’ that friendly with other people, some people might’ve taken advantage of it.

Steve: Ha! In what way?

Karl: Well, there was a programme on the other week about,

Steve: What, in the way that Shufflebotham was trying to take advantage of you?

Karl: There was a programme on the other week about bear whisperers,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And some blokes got really friendly with a bear. And when they were leavin’ that area, where the bear was, they said, Aw, we’ve caused a problem ‘ere, because there’s some bear hunters comin’ in and movin’ in to this area, and it’s gonna get a bullet if it – if it acts like this, and they had to scare it away, and that’s what I shoulda done with Maggie. I shoulda terrified it a little bit so it wouldn’t trust humans.

Steve: Just introduced it to some of your school mates, I’m sure that would have freaked it right out!

Ricky: Well, the ones that -

Steve: Maybe that’s why it fled!

Ricky: Hold on – it didn’t see those big fellas with big hands and webbed hands comin’ toward it,

Steve: That woulda terrified anything, it’s like a scarecrow,

Ricky laughs

Steve: Two walking scarecrows. Listen, have we got time for a Song For The Ladies, what’s happening, we’ve not really thought – we’ve been wittering on–

Ricky: Quick, just do it. Just do it. Thanks very much.

Steve: No, hang on, we haven’t lined anything up, have we?

Karl: I was gonna play uh, uh, Mary Lawson and that for you.

Steve: Is this gonna be the final track?

Ricky: It has to be.

Karl: It would be, yeah.

Ricky: We’ve blown it! We’ve blown it on the Karl Special.

Steve: We have indeed.

Ricky: We have to next week. So Karl there’s got an E at History, in GCSE, any History teachers, anyone who can help Karl out, I think we should try and register him, and take it this June. So uh, thanks for listening.

Steve: So what’s your homework for this week?

Ricky: You’ve got to read about Che Guevara,

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: The revolutionary leader.

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Do you know anything about him at all, have you got any basis -

Karl: I just know that if you want to use his face on your business, it costs a lot of money. D’you know like, if, if Mcdonalds wanted to have him like, instead of Ronald McDonald.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: How does he do it? Steve, how does he do it, mate?

Steve: Aw, listen, just play a final record, Karl. Say goodbye and we’ll see you next week.

Karl: All right.

Ricky: See ya later.

Steve: Cheers mate.

Song: Mary Lorson - Oh Regret