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{{Template:Infobox_Xfm_Series_4}}
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[[Ricky Gervais]] and [[Stephen Merchant]] labour on for show 4 of 6.  
Show 4 of 6.  


==Track Listing==
==Track Listing==


====1. Karl Fake-ington====
====1. Karl Fake-ington ''(0:00:00)''====


Karl has had a bad week, he's in bad books with his family for comments he made in Zoo Magazine about famous Auntie Nora. "Don't name her!" Karl pleads. The second bad event to happen to Karl was that a review of the show, written by Chris Campling from The Times, suggested that Karl is a character created by Gervais and Merchant, a work of ficton. Campers Pampers's shred of evidence was to point out recycled material (have you heard Gervais in interviews Chris? start ther ebefoe you have a go at Karl for recycling material). Steve says that he'd be ashamed if the show was scripted, he'd give up his BAFTA's, and adds that if KArl was a creation then he wouldn't be squandered on a "poxy radio station" like XFM. Gervais says the show is rubbish anyway and then pretends that the show actually is scripted, and he made up Campling, of whom Steve says the name "Campling" sounds like a gay person.
[[Karl]] has had a bad week, he's in bad books with his family for comments he made in ''Zoo Magazine'' about his [[Auntie Nora]]. "Don't name her!" Karl pleads. The second bad event to happen to Karl was that a review of the show, written by Chris Campling from The Times, suggested that Karl is a character created by [[Ricky|Gervais]] and [[Steve|Merchant]], a work of fiction. Campling's evidence was to point out recycled material. Steve says that if the show was scripted, he'd give up his BAFTAs they've won, and adds that if Karl was a creation then he wouldn't be squandered on a "poxy radio station" like [[Xfm]]. Gervais says the show is rubbish anyway and then pretends that the show actually is scripted, and he made up Campling, of whom Steve says the name "Campling" sounds like a gay person.


====2. Nora Gate====
====2. Nora Gate ''(0:03:18)''====


Gervais says that Karl is actually Brent Hogwell, and actually speaks like Hugh Grant. The real Karl wonders is Campling would think that his bald head was put on for show. Comedian Gervais then seriously reassures Campling and London that Karl is real, and says that the journo could meet Karl or at least email in 5 subjects for Karl to talk about, then praises Campers on his grammar. Karl belatedly says that he's being treated like the elephant man, and that he recently discovered that the only part of John Merrick that wasn't affected by his disease were his genitals; "the only bit that you'd want like an elephat and he got the head," he says. Karl gave an interview to Zoo magazine where he discusses the Auntie Nora "incident". She came round to stay, had a kaftan on, Karl turned round and saw up her skirt, it looked like a "split tennis ball" apparantly. She used to put a valance on everything, although "not everything obviously" Karl adds. Wacky Manc then says he isn't concerned as Nora doesn't read Zoo magazine, "She's more of a Nuts woman." Steve wisecracks. One of Karl's cousins informed Karl's mother, althoug Nora herself is oblivious to "Zoo-gate".  
Gervais says that Karl is really an actor named Brent Hogwell, and actually speaks like Hugh Grant. The real Karl wonders if Campling would think that his bald head was put on for show. Ricky seriously reassures Campling and London that Karl is real, and says that the journalist could meet Karl or at least email in 5 subjects for Karl to talk about, then praises Campling on his grammar. Karl says that he's being treated like [[The Elephant Man]], and that he recently discovered that the only part of John Merrick that wasn't affected by his disease were his genitals, the only bit that you'd want like an elephant and he got the head. Karl gave an interview to ''Zoo Magazine'' where he discusses another Auntie Nora Incident. She came round to stay, had a kaftan on, Karl turned round and saw up her skirt, it looked like a "ripped tennis ball". She used to put a valance on (almost) everything.  Karl says he isn't concerned as Nora doesn't read ''Zoo''. Karl's cousins informed Karl's mother, although Nora is unaware of the article.


====3. Wedding Rows====
====3. Wedding Rows ''(0:09:55)''====


Pilkington put his foot in it again the previous week, when, on air, he said that weddings were boring. Suzanne had to tell the couple whose wedding she and her lover were attending that Karl meant weddings in general. Karl says that there's no point to weddings, and he couldn't hear the ceremony anyway as a lady was breastfeeding her son. "How loud was it?" an incredulous Merchant wonders, he says that he gets annoyed with gift-buying for weddings, as he wants to see the recipients response when giving a gift, and that doesn't happen at the ceremony, the only appreciation comes in the form of a latter which may or may not contain a vague reference to the gift along with a photocopied signature, possibly with a mock-baby sign off, which annoys the lanky one. Karl isn't bothered; Suzanne sorted out the gift, a week in Cornwall with the maried couple. Steve begins totting up the number of times Karl says "an' that" in the show, and that maybe it could be a competition. Karl says that he already has a competition, Rockbusters, which is coming up later. "Tell me we've got Ladder 49?" Gervais hopes. "Definitely," Karl says without irony.
Karl put his foot in it again the previous week, he said on air that weddings were boring. [[Suzanne]] had to tell the couple whose wedding she and Karl were attending that he meant weddings in general. Karl says that there's no point to weddings, and he couldn't hear the ceremony anyway as a lady was breastfeeding her son. Steve wonders how loud the breastfeeding was.  Steve gets annoyed with gift-buying for weddings, as he wants to see the recipient's response when giving a gift, which doesn't happen at the ceremony. The only appreciation comes in the form of a latter which may or may not contain a vague reference to the gift along with a photocopied signature, possibly with a mock-baby sign off, which annoys Steve. Karl isn't bothered; Suzanne sorted out the gift, which is a week in Cornwall with the married couple. Steve begins totting up the number of times Karl says "an' that" in the show, and that maybe it could be a competition. Karl says that he already has a competition, [[Rockbusters]], which is coming up later. Ricky hopes they have [[Ladder 49]] which they of course do.
====4. Down's Syndrome Town====


Steve asks Karl if he saw a program called "The Strangest Village In Britain." Karl not only watched it, but called Ricky 6 times during it. The program contained a village where over 50% of the 300 inhabitants were mentally disabled and the other half were carers. Pilkington, who some might say should be in the village, liked two of the dwellers, who made their own language, but didn't like the quickfire questions fired at the mentals, as he couldn't work out the answers himself. He does want to holiday in the weird village however, and said that he'd hunt down a man in a woolie hat for a pint, as he's a good person. He'd avoid "the angry bloke" who punched a Down's Syndrome woman called Nan, who also got punched by someone else. The woolie hat man fell over and proposed marriage to a girl. On the subject of the disabled, Karl tells of a train journey from Manchester to London, where the only seat available was next to a Down's Syndrome lad, who greeted Karl with an "ALRIGHT?" in that loud voice they do. Karl was apprehensive about entering into the realms of conversation so went to sleep, but was awoken by a phone call from Gervais. The Down's Syndrome lad then said to Karl, "You're muscly," then pestered Karl into an arm wrestle, which he stopped and laughed at the Bod-like producer. That broke the ice, then they talked about food. The lad can't have Chineses food apparantly, although Karl didn't delve into that particular facet. The moral is that Karl enjoyed it when he broke past his prejudicial barrier, and made the lad happy.
====4. Down's Town ''(0:14:29)''====


====5. Who Wants To Be... Bored====
Steve asks Karl if he saw a programme called "The Strangest Village in Britain." Karl not only watched it, but called Ricky six times during it. The programme contained a village where over 50% of the 300 inhabitants were mentally disabled and the other half were carers. Karl was confused by the two who made up their own language, and didn't like the quickfire questions one fired at the others, as Karl couldn't work out the answers himself (he likened it to 80s British children's show "Mallett's Mallet"). He wants to holiday in the weird village, and said like to take the man in a woolie hat for a pint. He'd avoid the angry bloke who punched a Down's Syndrome woman called Nan. The woolie hat man fell over and proposed marriage to a girl.  Karl tells of a train journey from Manchester to London, where the only seat available was next to a Down's Syndrome lad, who greeted an apprehensive Karl.  To deal with the situation, Karl went to sleep, but was awoken by a phone call from Ricky. The lad then said to Karl, "You're muscly", then pestered Karl into an arm wrestle, which he stopped and laughed at Karl. After that, the two talked about food. The lad can't have Chinese food.


Ricky begins the link by eating free confectionary, which Steve advertises, although says it is too good to give away with Rockbusters, but there is LAdder 49, "the movie that no-one has seen" according to 6 foot 7 inch Merchant, who also gives away a National Lampoon movie that doesn't actually feature Chevy Chase, it's that bad, and it features a special appearance by Eric Idle. Here's the questions:
====5. Who Wants To Be... Bored ''(0:22:59)''====


1. "Why don't you borrow some land of Mr. Boardman, Mr. Laurel or Mr. Fletcher, if... if you need a bit of it." - LS
Ricky begins the link whilst eating free confectionery, which Steve advertises. Ricky says it is too good to give away with Rockbusters. Prizes include Ladder 49 and a National Lampoon movie that is so bad that it doesn't actually feature Chevy Chase, and does feature a special appearance by Eric Idle. Karl reads off the clues.


2. "I'm going to annoy those seabirds over there." - B
====6. Bully Bike ''(0:29:09)''====


3. "What the scouse fella said to the robber he found in his house, next to his vineyard." - AW
Ricky is bringing back an old feature: [[Knob News]]. Karl recaps the Rockbusters questions then tells of another weird person in the estate where he grew up - a woman who rode a three wheeled bike with her husband in the basket. Nobody bought the school photos that featured the big headed kids, and there was a chemical plant nearby where Karl grew up. The woman used to boss her husband about so [[Karl's Dad|Karl's dad]] and his mate went round to the woman's house pretending to be police, to put the woman right. She backed off after that.  Ricky comments that Karl's father won't be prosecuted for a impersonating police officer, as it's unlikely that someone would stitch him up for it on a radio station. Karl said that his father and his friends used to do lots of vigilante work and scams.


====6. Bully Bike====
====7. Tailor Troubles ''(0:34:49)''====


Rikcy says that he is bringing back an old feature, "Knob News." Karl recaps the Rockbusters questions then tells of another weird person in the estate where he grew up; a woman who rode a three wheeled bike with her husband in the basket. Incidentally, he also says that nobody bought the school photos that featured the big headed kids, and says that there was a chemical plant nearby. The woman used to boss her husband about so [[Karl's Dad]] noticed this and went round to the woman's house pretending to be a policeman, to put the woman right. It worked apparantly, she "backed off after that." Gervais says that Karl's father won't be prosecuted. Karl said that his father and his friends used to do lots of vigilante work and scams.
Steve does some more advertising. Ricky reveals that Steve is having a suit made. Steve reasons this by saying that because of his height, it's hard to buy off the peg. Karl wonders if Steve was asked what side his "member is on". Discussion about which side they "dress", and why tailors ask this.  Karl thinks there are no surprises anymore.  He relates it to the classic "finger up the arse" debate.  Karl would have to locate his member before informing a tailor of it. Ricky thinks it would be left or middle, and says that after the break the nation will find out, as he plays "Where's Karl's Knob?"


====7. Taylor Troubles====
====8. Penis-tories ''(0:40:45)''====


Steve does some more adertising, which makes me wonder if he'd appear in Celebrity Love Island if he was asked. Perhaps that's why he is having a fitted suit made, according to Ricky. Steve reasons this by saying that because of his appearance, it's impossible to buy off the peg. Karl wonders if Steve was asked "what side" his "member is on". "You mean what side do you dress?" Gervais says, then says that it would be left. "I'm sitting here now... I don't know where I am." Karl says, although he means his "member" not his brain. Pikington says that he doesn't mind if a taylor touches it as Karl can just go "woop" if the event occurs, and not in a celebratory way. Karl relates it to the classic finger up the arse debate, then says he'd have to locate his "member" before informing a taylor of it. Ricky thinks it would be left or middle, and says that after the break the nation will find out, as he plays "Where's Karl's nob?"
Karl's knob was to the left, and Karl can't believe people paid 10p to call in to guess. Steve thought it was to the right. Next weeek: "Where's Ricky's Bollocks?" Segue to Knob News, and the following stories:
* Schlong! "Man Grows Knob On Arm"
* Schlong! "Man Gets Doctor to Make Him Second Knob"
* Schlong! "Turkish Prisoners Make Hole In Wall To Produce Third Inmate"
* Schlong! "Doctors Accidentally Remove Man's Testicles"


====8. Penis-tories====
Ricky wants to hear more of the last story. Karl's told him before, about a man who had an ear complaint and was called in by mistake, and the doctors removed his testicles. Karl hates it when doctors are overconfident, he'd prefer them to perform an less blasé procedure on him so they are paying close attention.  Steve tells of the man with a second penis, whose wife left him because of it. Karl is baffled by the fact the man's new penis was grafted onto on his arm.  He thinks it would be better to graft on the buttock, as he can't wear a short sleeved shirt now.  Steve is amused by the fact the doctor said women will never suspect.


The member was to the left, Steve thought it was to the right. "Where's Ricky's bollocks?" Gervais suggests could be next week's competition, which links into Kno News, and the following stories:
====9. Another Disability Link ''(0:47:36)''====


Schlong
Ricky is surprises by the amount of knob news, and asks Karl for proper news. Karl tells of "Christ on a crisp", and of a man who can blow up balloons with his ears. Of the latter, Ricky is more impressed than Karl. Time for [[Songs With a Story|Song with a Story]], which this week is ''Pinball Wizard'' by The Who.  Ricky reminds Karl that it's not true.  Karl doubts whether the deaf, dumb and blind kid even knows he's playing pinball.  He'd be impressed if he was good at Pacman.  Ricky sings the chorus with the word "Pacman" replacing "pinball". Steve says it's grim to be deaf, dumb and blind. Karl agrees, comparing it to the life of a tapeworm.


"Man Grows Knob On Arm."
====10. He Sure (Doesn't Know He's) Playing A Mean Pinball ''(0:52:37)'' ====


Schlong
Karl says that ''Pinball Wizard'' is depressing, and then suggests that the people just let him hit the buttons, which Ricky thinks is a fair point.  Karl asks Steve if he'd rather lose sight or hearing.  Steve chooses lost sight, Ricky chooses lost hearing, and Karl points out that would be OK as they are always together.  Karl would lose his sight if he lived in Africa, or his hearing if he lived in New York.


"Man Gets Doctor to Make Him Second Knob."
====11. Argu-monkeys ''(0:56:17)''====
Rockbusters answers, and Gavin from Edinburgh is the winner.  [[Monkey News]] about a monkey named Matty, 14 who gets put in a zoo where he's the only monkey, although he's not actually a monkey, he's a chimp. It gets pally with the humans, smokes fags etc. but then another monkey comes along, "something's said.." and Ricky and Steve burst into so much laughter as to frustrate Karl into ending the link early.  


Schlong
==Quotes==
'''Ricky''': As if this could be scripted!  It's dreadful!  Or, maybe this is scripted.<br>
'''Steve''': Hang on, you've lost me there .. let me just check the script. <br>
<br>
'''Karl''': It is like, I'm the Elephant Man, the way I'm being treated now. <br>
<br>
'''Steve''': Talking of monkeys working the sound desk ... <br>
<br>
'''Steve''': ''Ladder 49'', the movie that no one has seen..<br>
'''Ricky''': But, is owned by every Xfm listener.<br>
<br>
'''Ricky''': D'you know how many BAFTAs we've won?  We can do what we want! <br>
'''Steve''': High-five!<br>
'''Ricky''': Six. <br>
<br>
'''Karl''': Like right now, I'm sat here with my jeans on, I don't know where I am. <br>


"Turkish Prisoners Make Hole In Wall To Produce Third Inmate."
==Rockbusters==
 
Why don't you borrow some land off of Mr Boardman, Mr Laurel or Mr Fletcher. <span title="Lisa Stansfield" style="color: red" id=title>L.S.</span><br>
Schlong
I'm going to annoy those sea birds over there. <span title="Buggles" style="color: red" id=title>B.</span><br>
 
What the Scouse fella said to the robber who he found in his house next to his vineyard. <span title="Amy Winehouse" style="color: red" id=title>A.W.</span><br>
"Doctors Accidentally Remove Man's Testicles."
 
Ricky wants to hear more of the last story. Karl says that he's told him before, about a man who had an ear complaint and was called in by mistake, and the doctors removed his testicles. Karl hated it when doctors say "Oh we do loads of these", he'd prefer them to say "Oh this is a tricky one this," to avoid medical complacency. Steve tells of the man with a second penis, whose wife left him because of it. Of the man who grew a penis on his arm (to graft there, not a permanant fixture), Karl said "Why on the arm?", thinking that it would be better to graft on the buttock, as "he can't wear a short sleeved shirt." The man's doctor said "women will never suspect", which amused Steve.
 
====9. Another Disability Link====
 
Rikcy is surprises by the amount of knob news, and asks Karl for proper news. Karl tells of "Christ on a crisp", and of a man who can blow up baloons with his ears. Of the latter, Gervais is more impressed than Karl. Time for "Song With A Story", of which the featured track this week is "Pinball Wizard" by The Who. Ricky reminds Karl that it's not true. Karl doubts whether the "deaf dumb and blind kid" even knows he's playing pinball, then says that it's not a hard game in the first place but "if he's good at Pacman I'd go "Bloody hell"". Ricky sings the chorus with the word "Pacman" replacing "pinball". Steve says it's grim to be deaf, dumb and blind. Karl agrees, comparing it to the life of a tapeworm.
 
====10. He Sure (doesn't know he's) Playing A Mean Pinball ====
 
Karl says that "Pinball Wizard" is depressing, and then suggests that the people shouldn't bother putting money into the machine; "Just let him hit the buttons," he says. "Fair point," Ricky concedes, then insists that it isn't a true story in the first place. Karl asks Steve if he'd rather lose sight or hearing, he'd lose sight, Ricky would lose hearing. Karl says that that'd be ok as they're always together. Karl would lose his sight if he lived in Africa, or his hearing in New York.
 
====11. Argum-onkeys====
 
Rockbusters Answers:
 
1. LF - Lisa Stansfield (lease a Stan's field)
 
2. B - Buggles (bug gulls)
 
3. Aw - Amy Winehouse ("eh, me winehouse.")
 
Gavin from Edinburgh managed to get all those somehow.
 
Oooh chimpanzee that Monkey News: A monkey, Matty, 14, gets put in a zoo where he's the only monkey there, althouhg he's not actually a monkey, he's a chimp. It gets "pally" with the humans, "smokes fags" etc. but then another monkey comes along, "something's said..". Sadly we don't get to hear any more as Gervais laughs really loud and Karl cuts to ads.
 
 
==Quotes==


==Trivia==
* The unrevealed Knob News headline related to this story:
''Two Turkish prison inmates who drilled a nine-centimetre (3.6-inch) aperture between their cells enabling them to have sexual relations in prison that produced a child, received four-month sentences for damaging public property, press reports said Sunday.  Convicted murderer Seylan Corduk, 40, and Kadriye Fikret Oget, 27, serving time for planting a bomb in a market, managed to drive the hole through their concrete communal cell wall, according to court records quoted by the newspapers Vatan and Hurriyet.  The guilty pair each originally received one-year sentences plus a 218-million-Turkish-lira fine (128 euros, 169 dollars). But the court reduced the penalty to four months and 72 million lira "in view of the negligible nature of the damage caused.'' - AFP
* In the third segment, Steve mentions he's counting the number of times Karl says "and that" and is already up to three. In fact, Karl had said "and that" ''nine'' times. "And that" total for the entire episode: 27.


==Playlist==
==Playlist==
Foo Fighters - ''Best of You''<br>
Bruce Springsteen - ''The River''<br>
The Cure - ''In Between Days''<br>
Ben Folds - ''Landed''<br>
Bright Eyes - ''First Day of My Life''<br>
The Magic Numbers - ''Forever Lost''<br>
[[David Bowie]] - ''Watch That Man''<br>
Snoop Doggy Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - ''Signs''<br>
Snow Patrol - ''Run''<br>
The Rolling Stones  - ''Wild Horses''<br>
The Who - ''Pinball Wizard''<br>
Green Day - ''Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)''


Best of You - Foo Fighters
==External Links==
 
*[http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/tv_and_radio/article533134.ece Chris Campling's article] from 14th June 2005
Down to the River - Bruce Springsteen
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3Lem0oZ_54 The Strangest Village in Britain - Full Documentary
 
In Between Days - The Cure
 
Landed - Ben Folds
 
Forever Lost - Magic Numbers
 
Watch That Man - David Bowie
 
Signs - Snoop Doggy Dogg ft. Jutsin Timberlake
 
Run - Snow Patrol
 
Wild Horses - Rolling Stones
 
Pinball Wizard - The Who
 
Time of Your Life - Green Day
==Extras==
 
Transcript Here When It's Done
 
==Download==
 
http://www.sendspace.com/file/subcp8
 
http://rapidshare.de/files/32357989/s04e04.mp3
 
http://savefile.com/files/112158


==See Also==
[[Category:Episode Pages|4.04]]
*[[Xfm Series 1]]
*[[Xfm Series 2]]
*[[Xfm Series 3]]

Latest revision as of 17:50, 19 May 2015

Xfm Series 4
May 2005 - July 2005
List of episodes

Episodes:

  1. 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I)
  2. 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II)
  3. 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III)
  4. 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV)
  5. 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V)
  6. 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Show 4 of 6.

Track Listing

1. Karl Fake-ington (0:00:00)

Karl has had a bad week, he's in bad books with his family for comments he made in Zoo Magazine about his Auntie Nora. "Don't name her!" Karl pleads. The second bad event to happen to Karl was that a review of the show, written by Chris Campling from The Times, suggested that Karl is a character created by Gervais and Merchant, a work of fiction. Campling's evidence was to point out recycled material. Steve says that if the show was scripted, he'd give up his BAFTAs they've won, and adds that if Karl was a creation then he wouldn't be squandered on a "poxy radio station" like Xfm. Gervais says the show is rubbish anyway and then pretends that the show actually is scripted, and he made up Campling, of whom Steve says the name "Campling" sounds like a gay person.

2. Nora Gate (0:03:18)

Gervais says that Karl is really an actor named Brent Hogwell, and actually speaks like Hugh Grant. The real Karl wonders if Campling would think that his bald head was put on for show. Ricky seriously reassures Campling and London that Karl is real, and says that the journalist could meet Karl or at least email in 5 subjects for Karl to talk about, then praises Campling on his grammar. Karl says that he's being treated like The Elephant Man, and that he recently discovered that the only part of John Merrick that wasn't affected by his disease were his genitals, the only bit that you'd want like an elephant and he got the head. Karl gave an interview to Zoo Magazine where he discusses another Auntie Nora Incident. She came round to stay, had a kaftan on, Karl turned round and saw up her skirt, it looked like a "ripped tennis ball". She used to put a valance on (almost) everything. Karl says he isn't concerned as Nora doesn't read Zoo. Karl's cousins informed Karl's mother, although Nora is unaware of the article.

3. Wedding Rows (0:09:55)

Karl put his foot in it again the previous week, he said on air that weddings were boring. Suzanne had to tell the couple whose wedding she and Karl were attending that he meant weddings in general. Karl says that there's no point to weddings, and he couldn't hear the ceremony anyway as a lady was breastfeeding her son. Steve wonders how loud the breastfeeding was. Steve gets annoyed with gift-buying for weddings, as he wants to see the recipient's response when giving a gift, which doesn't happen at the ceremony. The only appreciation comes in the form of a latter which may or may not contain a vague reference to the gift along with a photocopied signature, possibly with a mock-baby sign off, which annoys Steve. Karl isn't bothered; Suzanne sorted out the gift, which is a week in Cornwall with the married couple. Steve begins totting up the number of times Karl says "an' that" in the show, and that maybe it could be a competition. Karl says that he already has a competition, Rockbusters, which is coming up later. Ricky hopes they have Ladder 49 which they of course do.

4. Down's Town (0:14:29)

Steve asks Karl if he saw a programme called "The Strangest Village in Britain." Karl not only watched it, but called Ricky six times during it. The programme contained a village where over 50% of the 300 inhabitants were mentally disabled and the other half were carers. Karl was confused by the two who made up their own language, and didn't like the quickfire questions one fired at the others, as Karl couldn't work out the answers himself (he likened it to 80s British children's show "Mallett's Mallet"). He wants to holiday in the weird village, and said like to take the man in a woolie hat for a pint. He'd avoid the angry bloke who punched a Down's Syndrome woman called Nan. The woolie hat man fell over and proposed marriage to a girl. Karl tells of a train journey from Manchester to London, where the only seat available was next to a Down's Syndrome lad, who greeted an apprehensive Karl. To deal with the situation, Karl went to sleep, but was awoken by a phone call from Ricky. The lad then said to Karl, "You're muscly", then pestered Karl into an arm wrestle, which he stopped and laughed at Karl. After that, the two talked about food. The lad can't have Chinese food.

5. Who Wants To Be... Bored (0:22:59)

Ricky begins the link whilst eating free confectionery, which Steve advertises. Ricky says it is too good to give away with Rockbusters. Prizes include Ladder 49 and a National Lampoon movie that is so bad that it doesn't actually feature Chevy Chase, and does feature a special appearance by Eric Idle. Karl reads off the clues.

6. Bully Bike (0:29:09)

Ricky is bringing back an old feature: Knob News. Karl recaps the Rockbusters questions then tells of another weird person in the estate where he grew up - a woman who rode a three wheeled bike with her husband in the basket. Nobody bought the school photos that featured the big headed kids, and there was a chemical plant nearby where Karl grew up. The woman used to boss her husband about so Karl's dad and his mate went round to the woman's house pretending to be police, to put the woman right. She backed off after that. Ricky comments that Karl's father won't be prosecuted for a impersonating police officer, as it's unlikely that someone would stitch him up for it on a radio station. Karl said that his father and his friends used to do lots of vigilante work and scams.

7. Tailor Troubles (0:34:49)

Steve does some more advertising. Ricky reveals that Steve is having a suit made. Steve reasons this by saying that because of his height, it's hard to buy off the peg. Karl wonders if Steve was asked what side his "member is on". Discussion about which side they "dress", and why tailors ask this. Karl thinks there are no surprises anymore. He relates it to the classic "finger up the arse" debate. Karl would have to locate his member before informing a tailor of it. Ricky thinks it would be left or middle, and says that after the break the nation will find out, as he plays "Where's Karl's Knob?"

8. Penis-tories (0:40:45)

Karl's knob was to the left, and Karl can't believe people paid 10p to call in to guess. Steve thought it was to the right. Next weeek: "Where's Ricky's Bollocks?" Segue to Knob News, and the following stories:

  • Schlong! "Man Grows Knob On Arm"
  • Schlong! "Man Gets Doctor to Make Him Second Knob"
  • Schlong! "Turkish Prisoners Make Hole In Wall To Produce Third Inmate"
  • Schlong! "Doctors Accidentally Remove Man's Testicles"

Ricky wants to hear more of the last story. Karl's told him before, about a man who had an ear complaint and was called in by mistake, and the doctors removed his testicles. Karl hates it when doctors are overconfident, he'd prefer them to perform an less blasé procedure on him so they are paying close attention. Steve tells of the man with a second penis, whose wife left him because of it. Karl is baffled by the fact the man's new penis was grafted onto on his arm. He thinks it would be better to graft on the buttock, as he can't wear a short sleeved shirt now. Steve is amused by the fact the doctor said women will never suspect.

9. Another Disability Link (0:47:36)

Ricky is surprises by the amount of knob news, and asks Karl for proper news. Karl tells of "Christ on a crisp", and of a man who can blow up balloons with his ears. Of the latter, Ricky is more impressed than Karl. Time for Song with a Story, which this week is Pinball Wizard by The Who. Ricky reminds Karl that it's not true. Karl doubts whether the deaf, dumb and blind kid even knows he's playing pinball. He'd be impressed if he was good at Pacman. Ricky sings the chorus with the word "Pacman" replacing "pinball". Steve says it's grim to be deaf, dumb and blind. Karl agrees, comparing it to the life of a tapeworm.

10. He Sure (Doesn't Know He's) Playing A Mean Pinball (0:52:37)

Karl says that Pinball Wizard is depressing, and then suggests that the people just let him hit the buttons, which Ricky thinks is a fair point. Karl asks Steve if he'd rather lose sight or hearing. Steve chooses lost sight, Ricky chooses lost hearing, and Karl points out that would be OK as they are always together. Karl would lose his sight if he lived in Africa, or his hearing if he lived in New York.

11. Argu-monkeys (0:56:17)

Rockbusters answers, and Gavin from Edinburgh is the winner. Monkey News about a monkey named Matty, 14 who gets put in a zoo where he's the only monkey, although he's not actually a monkey, he's a chimp. It gets pally with the humans, smokes fags etc. but then another monkey comes along, "something's said.." and Ricky and Steve burst into so much laughter as to frustrate Karl into ending the link early.

Quotes

Ricky: As if this could be scripted! It's dreadful! Or, maybe this is scripted.
Steve: Hang on, you've lost me there .. let me just check the script.

Karl: It is like, I'm the Elephant Man, the way I'm being treated now.

Steve: Talking of monkeys working the sound desk ...

Steve: Ladder 49, the movie that no one has seen..
Ricky: But, is owned by every Xfm listener.

Ricky: D'you know how many BAFTAs we've won? We can do what we want!
Steve: High-five!
Ricky: Six.

Karl: Like right now, I'm sat here with my jeans on, I don't know where I am.

Rockbusters

Why don't you borrow some land off of Mr Boardman, Mr Laurel or Mr Fletcher. L.S.
I'm going to annoy those sea birds over there. B.
What the Scouse fella said to the robber who he found in his house next to his vineyard. A.W.

Trivia

  • The unrevealed Knob News headline related to this story:

Two Turkish prison inmates who drilled a nine-centimetre (3.6-inch) aperture between their cells enabling them to have sexual relations in prison that produced a child, received four-month sentences for damaging public property, press reports said Sunday. Convicted murderer Seylan Corduk, 40, and Kadriye Fikret Oget, 27, serving time for planting a bomb in a market, managed to drive the hole through their concrete communal cell wall, according to court records quoted by the newspapers Vatan and Hurriyet. The guilty pair each originally received one-year sentences plus a 218-million-Turkish-lira fine (128 euros, 169 dollars). But the court reduced the penalty to four months and 72 million lira "in view of the negligible nature of the damage caused. - AFP

  • In the third segment, Steve mentions he's counting the number of times Karl says "and that" and is already up to three. In fact, Karl had said "and that" nine times. "And that" total for the entire episode: 27.

Playlist

Foo Fighters - Best of You
Bruce Springsteen - The River
The Cure - In Between Days
Ben Folds - Landed
Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life
The Magic Numbers - Forever Lost
David Bowie - Watch That Man
Snoop Doggy Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
Snow Patrol - Run
The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
The Who - Pinball Wizard
Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

External Links

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