07 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Everyone's Got An Idea In Their Head

Song: Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Ricky: Well, I know that must be some people’s favourite record, Steve.

Steve: Certainly one of mine.

Ricky: Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen

Steve: I don't want a bad word said against the Boss.

Ricky: No.

Steve: People dismissed him in the past as some kind of stadium rocker, but if you can't listen to a song like that and not be moved, surely, Karl?

Karl: It's alright, yeah

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: A passionate man.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: What?

Ricky: So, Karl.

Steve: No,no, no, no. It's alright.

Ricky: So..?

Karl: It's certain songs I like, that was--that was alright. It wasn't anything--

Ricky: Yeah..

Karl: If it wasn't Bruce Springsteen, if someone new came out sounding like that, I'd go “Yes, it's alright”.

Steve: Right.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: You're a regular Simon Cowell, aren't you?

Steve laughs

Karl: I--I don't know if I like music as much as I used to now. That's what happens when you work in it. There was-Dani Minogue's on telly in the week-

Ricky: Is it like when you work in a sweet factory, and you don't--don't nick the Mars bars after a couple of months?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Dani Minogue was in the telly in the week, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: and, she was doing, doing a medley.

Ricky: Yep

Karl: Why do people do them?

Ricky: Well, to try and get in all the hits. I know-I know what you mean, yeah.

Karl: But who is so busy that they haven't got time to listen to the full album, or--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It's like a Meal in pill form.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, I like most of Dani Minogue's hits, but I don't like the whole song.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: So if you would just pop the best bits down, 30 seconds, put ‘em all together..

Steve: I've got um, a ‘Stars on forty-five’ record, from the seventies. Do you remember those?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: (singing) Stars on forty-five! But it started, like you say, I mean, this one had a kind of....it would be a snatch of Stevie Wonder, followed by the M.A.S.H. theme, followed by Leyla, just the intro. It was sort of, it's not music

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we do a bit of that, don't we? Is what DJ-ing is, isn't it? It's a bit of everything. But we play the whole song, don't we often?

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: We're better, aren't we, Karl? So what do you want to talk about today?

Karl: Uh---d’ya wanna look at the list?

Ricky: Well, it's got “describe looks”. It's our list we've brought. This is our very amusing, sort of, link, of describing your look

Steve: I don't remember this.

Karl: No, I was just thinking like, you know, everyone's got an idea in their head?

Steve and Ricky: Well...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Careful, Karl. Don't open yourself up to criticism. Go on, yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean, everyone's got an idea of-what they look like an' stuff. Uhm-if someone wanted to know what I look like, or what Ricky look like, or what you look like, Steve, if that..

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhm-what would you use to describe yourself? D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Words.

Steve: Not really, I don't understand. What would-

Karl: Well, like-uh-

Ricky: Someone who doesn't know us, we've gotta describe, and we’ve...what's the game, to hopefully get some, sort of, interpersonal language going? So, you know they've got the same image as you, to a certain extent?

Karl: Well, I was thinking if I was to meet Steve in a restaurant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, I-I-

Steve: Nothing untoward going on, we're just hanging out.

Karl: No, just having a chat. Just having a normal night out and that.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah

Karl: Uhm--

Steve: Who's paying? Cause I mean, is it expensive?

Ricky: Go Dutch. Go Dutch. I mean-

Karl: Right. So, I say to you “I'll see you at eight, right, in this, in this restaurant”.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I turn up at the door, it's a bit of a posh place.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Uhm. I say , “is Steve Merchant in?”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the waiter sort of goes: (with accent) I don't know, what's he look like, right?

Steve: Yeah...where's he from?

Karl: And--he's a little French fella.

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Karl: And, eh (without accent): What's he look like?. The thing I pick up on first: “He's tall. Tall lad.”

Steve: Tall, yeah.

Karl: And then he goes (with accent): oh,you know, we got loads of tall people in, alright?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I go: “Big eyes?”

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Big eyes?

Karl: And then he'd go: “Yeah, he's over there”.

Ricky laughing louder

Steve: I'll be honest with you. I mean, you can have dinner, you can buy me dinner, but I'm not sure you're getting anywhere with me. You're slagging me off.

Karl: No, no! I'm not slagging you off, though. That's what I'm saying.

Steve and Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Just using-using what comes to mind.

Ricky: And could I-

Steve: Tall and big eyes.

Ricky: ..can I assume that they know, like, could I say, like, the easiest for me? I'd say, uhm, looks like Reg Varney from On the buses. Would they understand that, could I use, sort of, like, references?

Karl: Yeah, he’s thirty-odd this waiter, so he'll-

Ricky: So,(with accent) Yes, Reg Varney is zitting over there, yeah. Went to German towards the end.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Huh! I'd describe you more, I think, as, I would imagine, I'd say—“have you ever seen that Johnny Vegas on the telly?”

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Steve: Imagine he was inflatable, and you just let out a bit of air...

Ricky: Well, at least..

Steve: ..that's what Ricky would look like.

Ricky: As opposed to like, you know, pumping harder.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Uhm, Okay. Uhm, what describes—Karl, I'd describe as, you know those little red monkeys that you see on wildlife programmes? They're little, in the trees and scream when they see a leopard or something?

Steve laughs.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Shave that. Just shave one of those little red monkeys. And put some, sort of, uhm, you know, old sort of Manchester gear on it, maybe.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: (enthusiastically) Yeah, yeah!

Ricky: An anorak and some baggy jeans...

Steve: I'd like to see how the waiter’d react to that!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He's got a picture of a monkey. Then he's got a picture of it shaved--got no hair, dressed like some kind of Manc scally.

Ricky: Then goes: He's over there. Yeah, he's over there, Karl's over there. That's what I'd do.

Karl: Brilliant.

Ricky: So, uhm, now coming up: The Verve. After that: An amusing link about gay handkerchiefs!

Steve: Huh, really? Looking forward to this.

Song: The Verve - Lucky Man

Apparently Bruce Is An Armpit Freak

Ricky: Lucky Man by The Verve on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl? What's the problem with gay hankies?

Karl: (long pause) You were-- we played Bruce Springsteen last week, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And you said he'd got a--uhm-- lot of trouble on his hands. He had-uhm-had a hanky in his back pocket.

Ricky: Did i say that on air, or-

Steve: There is a saying that famously on the cover of Born to run-uhm-Born in the USA album, it's just him, isn't it, with a--uhm--his backside and a red handkerchief-

Ricky: I wasn't looking, I just...

Steve: (slight laugh) I did it for research purposes--

Ricky sniggers

Steve: --for this amazing link.

Ricky: (laughter increasing)God,yeah.

Steve: He,he.So, he had a red handkerchief, I think in his right back pocket. Apparently that signifies homosexuality, apparently, I don't know.

Ricky: Ah, I thought it was which way you...take--I don't know, though. Those myths, I--

Steve: I don't even know, I dunno if there's--

Karl: No, I read up about it.

Steve: Okay?

Karl: Aight?

Ricky: Just research.

Karl: --and it's all sorta, you know, it's all different coloured hankies.

Ricky: Are they?

Karl: Yeah. Right, it depends what pocket you put it in--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --as well, you got different colours, different pockets

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --and--

Ricky: Sorry, how many variations are there, different pockets are what? What's it --

Karl: Your back pocket, your right back pocket--

Ricky: What do they mean?

Karl: What d'ya mean?

Ricky: Well, what do they signify? You can't just tell us they signify summit. What do they signify?

Karl: Well, some stuff we don't really wanna talk about, to be honest

Ricky: (impatiently)What?

Karl: Wha-- stuff that gays are into.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Right! What sort-

Karl: That sorta--

Ricky: What sort d'ya mean?

Steve: Barbra Streisand records?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Eurovision?

Karl: No, like...a couple of things that were there I know we can mention. It said something about-

Steve: But-

Ricky: I love that he thinks he can't mention-

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: -I love it!

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: Do you see? What is this? 1956?

Karl: No, no. But I mean, it isn't just having it away, sorta-

Ricky: (exclaiming laughingly )Why I love him! 'aving it away!

Karl: They get up to some weird stuff

Ricky bursts

Steve laughs

Ricky: I love the fact that he didn't wanna offend, but he's offended a lot more people--

Steve: Yeah,yeah

Ricky: --by saying they--

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: --get up to some weird stuff. Right!

Steve: In your opinion.

Ricky: Yeah! What d'ya mean. No--but--don't--don't--if--i-it's research about summit I don't know about--it's like you can't say on the radio--

Karl: Yeah, I-I'd rather not.

Ricky: But what d'ya mean, weird stuff?

Karl: Well, one of them, right? If you got a red 'anky, right?

Ricky: (sniggering)Yeah.

Karl: In your right pocket--

Steve: Like Bruce. That's exactly what Bruce had.

Karl: Well, apparently then is an armpit freak.

Ricky sniggering

Steve: (surprised)An armpit freak?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Really??

Ricky: No.No.Karl--

Steve: But that's very specific!

Ricky: Karl--

Karl: Seriously.

Ricky: Wo--Wha--Okay.Right,okay. What else it there then?

Steve: Sorry, is there some kind of homosexual body that sat down and came up with this at some point. Well, so we got, this is getting crazy, we got, like, a blue handkerchief in your top breast pocket, I don't know what that means. You need to sit down at so kind of summit, figure out what it means.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I-it just that, you might not be free from it either, so if you were to got into, like, a--a gay bar--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --which you know, you might to if you're straight anyway, cause they're, you know, good places, I think?

Steve: Uh-mm.

Ricky snickering

Karl: Uhm--You can't actually go in there if you've got a cold, because every coloured hanky represents something.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So if I was to go in, had a bit of a sniffle, I could get into all sorts of trouble.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What? Mark's and Spencer's white linen hanky, that means--you like to be tied up and whipped.

Karl: Yeah. There was another one--uhm--armpit freak we've covered

Ricky snickers

Steve: Yeah, armpit freak is done.

Ricky: (laughing)..we've covered!

Steve: Armpit freak! I don't even know what that means!

Ricky: No.Right,okay. Yeah.

Karl: There's just another thing, a blue and white one is if you're into sailors.

Steve: To sailors?

Karl: Yeah. If you have a little blue and white hanky that's in your left pocket--

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: --uhm--blue and white equals sailor. That's ho-

Ricky: I wanted to ask you something. You know--and we gotta be careful here--you know when you wouldn't leave the building that was on fire, because --uhm--uh--you...were--you were standing proud.

Steve: Hang on.We need-- some people don't know what you're talking about.You--Karl, you're on holiday--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: On holiday in Tenerife, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've had a moment of intimacy with your girlfriend.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: A knock on the door, you had to stop and get up. You peeked around the door, it was a fireman saying: Get out! But you didn't want to leave, because you 'ad a-- yeah?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: It was a little--Yeah?--but. Why--I--what I don't understand is you maintained that while looking at a Spanish man dressed as a fireman.

Steve: (laughing)Yeah.

Ricky: Is that true? Is that the fact? You maintained--I'm sorry to say--you maintained a--uhm--you know--arousal whilst looking at a gentleman dressed as a fireman?

Karl: Yeah, but--

Ricky: (intensely)Is that--these are the facts, they aren't disputed.What-

Karl: But I'm not a machine, though. D'ya what I mean.(snapping fingers) I can't turn it on, turn it off.Right?

Ricky: I-I-I was just thought you--talking to a fireman, you'd have probably lost it, I dunno, but tou didn't

Karl: No, but the thing--

Ricky: You--

Karl: --was, I mean, I was talking to Suzanne about it again,right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: She was: What are you talking about that for?, right?

Ricky laughing

Karl: Oh, it cropped up, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the dilemma was I wanted to make sure, cause that was the last proper condom we had, right?

Ricky: Oh, God.

Karl: So it would have ruined the night, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I was--I didn't wanna like--it was like: What's going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is it .. do we need to get out?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Was it a proper fire?

Ricky: Yeah? And you --but-- talking--

Karl: So--

Ricky: --to this man in uniform, what did he look like. Was he quiet--was he good looking?

Steve: Did he look like Ricky Martin?

Ricky: Was he good looking? Was he good looking in his uniform.

Karl: I can't remember.Can't remember.

Steve: Did he have moustache?

Ricky sniggering.

Ricky: Play a record, don't we? Is this bringing it back?

Karl: What-

Ricky: You look uncomfortable. Wh-what?

Steve: Did you just...switch on the song with your hands?

Ricky bursts into laughter.

Song - The Flaming Lips - The Fight Test

I'm Going To Do Everything In My Power To Destroy You

Steve: The Flaming Lips and That's Fight Test.

Ricky: (skewed voice) Lips and test--

Steve laughing

Steve: Lips, test

Ricky: --on M--

Steve laughing

Steve: We were talking there about homosexual people, I'm sure we'll move on to other topics, uhm, but I just mentioned...I was just talking to a friend of mine in the week, uh, Rufus, and he overheard, uh, he pieced together, you know sometimes when you hear a conversation you can piece together what's going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: and, em, it sort of transpired from what he could make out that one gay guy had just realised, or just found out that his gay boyfriend had, uhm, maybe had been having an affair, and was on the phone, uhm, and had called this person, the third party-

Ricky: The other one was crying, wasn’t he?

Steve: The other one was crying; in tears. Obviously they'd just had a big argument about it. And all he heard on the phone was- was the guy saying in very kinda earnest tones: “I'm gonna do everything in my power to destroy you!”

Ricky laughs.

Steve starts laughing then howls.

Steve: I'd just like to see what that was. What was--

Ricky: No more guest lists to G.A.Y.

Steve: Yeah, I am going to, uhm, slash your diesel jeans....with a pair of scissors (starts laughing).

Ricky chuckles.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: Uhm...

Ricky: What if they're listening now?

Steve: I know, I mean, it's probably an emotionally time for them.

Ricky: Yeah, they probably don't think we're talking about them.

Steve: No, it's-

Ricky: It's probably happened quite a lot this week.

Steve: Well, possibly (laughing)

Karl: I--I do know quite a lot, uhm, gay people, right?

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: But they do, uhm, they do jump about when it comes to partners.

Steve: Right!

Ricky chuckling.

Steve: Karl!

Ricky: Don't, leave, leave! Freedom of speech.

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: Let the man speak!

Karl: No! I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I mean it's quite, you know, they don't, you know if they get bored, they move on, and that-

Steve howls.

Karl: -which is fair enough. They do-

Steve: How have you pieced this together?

Ricky: And they go out late, don't they?

Karl: Oh, we've covered that, haven't we? We've done that.

Steve: How have you, so, your, you-

Ricky: D'ya know how we've covered that? His favourite record is Killing of Georgie, and he went at the end of the record, he went: See, but 'ow late was it?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ”If he'd had been sorta gone out at a decent time (chuckling) that wouldn't have happened, or”-

Karl: D'ya know what I mean, Steve?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: They're always getting ready to go out at half past one in the morning.

Steve and Ricky: Both laughing.

Karl: You're asking for trouble.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Is there, I should just point out that, uhm--

Ricky: Oh dear-

Steve: --we've had an email, I've lost it here now. But anyway it was one of our listeners saying we've slightly embarrassed ourselves because, of course, Bruce Springsteen on the cover of 'Born in the USA' doesn't actually have a handkerchief in his back pocket, it's actually a red baseball cap.

Karl: Yeah--

Steve: So, uhm, I don't know if that also counts-

Karl: What does that mean, though?

Ricky: (Chuckling) Yeah. Into 'eads. Into little round 'eads. Awww. If Bruce Springsteen - and he's obviously not gay - but if he said: “Alright, Karl, uhm, just, you know, little cuddle”, would you turn down Bruce Springsteen?

Karl: Yeah!

Ricky: Well, no! But why? Just let, alright, mate, you hug your mates, don't you? If Bruce said: “Alright, Karl? I like your show, love your head, a little cuddle--a little cuddle. A mates’ cuddle.”

Karl: No. I--I just: “What are you doing?!

Ricky: (laughs) He'd just say--

Steve: ”Look, we're a couple of old friends”--

Ricky: --Bruce Springsteen, all his great songs. “I like what you're doing, let's cuddle, let's have a little--alright,mate?”

Karl: The annoying thing is, right, Steve, right? D'ya know have he likes to squeeze me head?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: How Ricky likes to squeeze me head?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -he had a, an old mate over this week. He's got a similarly shaped head, apparently, as mine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --right? He 'ardly gave me a call or anything. He was busy with this other fella's head.

Ricky snickers

Steve: Aww, you feel bad, quite bad about that?

Ricky: His is a better head to squeeze, I'll tell you why. Cause he shaves it every day, right? He's got the same sorta hair problem as you--shaves it every day, right?

Karl: S'not a problem

Ricky: No, I know. And because he has it shaved all the time--Karl's sorta comes through a bit long at the sides sometimes, looks a bit unkempt towards the end of the week. I've seen—there’s a, there's a couple of little pimples under there.

Steve: Uh-hum.

Ricky: I've really have to do it, just like, get there, slap my hands there, squeeze it. With this one I can sorta get my fing--d'ya know what I mean, I can get my, um, really, you know.

Karl: You're like a gay the way you jump about from head to head.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: (laughing) Play a record! “You’re like a gay”.

Karl: Just sayin'. Still coming up then.

Ricky: What've got coming up?

Karl: We've got Rockbusters--

Ricky: Oh, any Monkey News this week?

Karl: S'been a problem--

Ricky: Why?

Karl: It's not much that's been going on this week.

Ricky: Wh-in the monkey world?

Karl: In the monkey world, I don't know if they've caught on the fact that they're getting coverage.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: They're keeping their behaviour hush-hush.

Karl: Been a bit careful, what, I've found something--

Ricky: Have you got Rockbusters? It's your last chance, don't forget. Is it good, these?

Karl: Got Rockbusters. Got good prizes, Steve, we'll look at them in a bit.

Steve: Uh-hum.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Cheeky Freak of the Week--

Steve: Aww!

Ricky: We've got Cheeky freak of the Week?

Karl: Got that. Got'em -uh-

Ricky: Yeah. So what deformity is it that you're, that we're--

Steve laughs.

Karl: Well...keep listening.

Steve laughs.

Ricky chuckles.

Song: Rolling Stones - Waiting on a friend

Sleight of Hand Linguistically

Steve: I didn't really appreciated The Stones when I was younger, I was always a Beatles fan, but now I can't really listen to the Beatles..

Ricky: No..

Steve: ..it's like I've used them up.

Ricky: It's about five tracks I like.

Steve: Yea, but The Stones just get better and better

Ricky: And now it's brilliant. The video's so good

Steve: Ah, amazing. 1981.That was 'Waiting on a friend’. With the Rolling Stones.

Ricky: (softly) Alright

Steve: What we got?We got more fun coming up, I imagine

Ricky: Yeah. Cheeky Freak of the Week: An amusing story about inflatable testicles

Steve: We've already given you half an hour talking about gay people. Who knows what else will be coming up.

Ricky: Yeah, big market

XFM-jingle

Ricky: Out of time by Blur. On XFM 104.9. Alright, Karl? What are you thinking?

Karl: Thinking..about stuff

Steve howls

Ricky: You're an enigma, aren't you?

Karl: (very weakly) Yep

Steve: I would just say hello...we've got an American listener, apparently. Karen...anyway, what else have we got?

Steve and Ricky laughing

Steve: Think that'll might fill up four seconds

Ricky: We're not struggling, are we? I mean..

Steve: No, no! We’ll, just consult the list of Dr. Fox-esque amusing topics.

Ricky: Wife, wet ones, screwball, shop train, cheeky freak, Ronan. What's that?

Steve: What's Ronan?

Karl: Ronan. I just was, uh, telling you the other day about, you know, that song that he does. Uh (singing)'”Loving every day as if it's your last....one”

Steve: Right

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: I was just thinking was, he’s saying that as if, like; oh, have a good day? But I reckon if he knew it was your last day I don't think you'd been in the mood to do anything

Ricky laughing

Steve howling

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: But what?

Ricky: ...that's true. I think the point is live everyday like it's your last. So Karl, imagine if it was every like your last: Let's go mental. And the good thing is: We got tomorrow. So he's got the best of both worlds. That's what Ronan's saying. He's saying: Cram it in, cos it might be the last. I think it's more like...It's the not knowing. Live every day...see? I'd actually be happy, if, if I never knew..( Karl interrupts)) when I was gonna die.

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: ..and I was definitely die in my sleep. What a brilliant life you'd have. D'ya know what I mean?

Karl: What, so you don't get any illness, but one night you go to bed..?

Ricky: I know that if you know you were gonna die in your sleep, and never knew when you were gonna die it wouldn’t matter if it's tomorrow or thirty years time. It wouldn't matter, would it?

Karl: (absentminded) Yeah..

Ricky: I've lost you, haven't I? I've lost you somewhere. I can't, I can't work out, see, I thought it was pretty easy all that.I said: “Die in your sleep, and not know when you died”. There was no high concepts there. No sleight of hand linguistically. Where did I lose you?

Steve: I think you lost him on sleight of hand linguistically

Ricky bursts into laughter

Steve: You've lost him again

Karl: I think that's the way I’d, I’d wanna go...I don't wanna know about it. That's why I don't go the doctor's or anything

Steve howls

Steve: That's a good approach

Ricky: Brilliant. And he, he, he’d, do you remember him saying: He's gonna die of cancer, cause he doesn't check his balls, he doesn't like the feel.

Steve: Of course

Ricky: What do they feel like, your balls?

Karl: Like a wet chamois leather

Ricky bursts

Ricky: With two marbles..two kumquats in a chamois leather

Karl: No, but...I just

Ricky: Why are they wet? Sweaty?

Karl: No, they're not. I'm just saying smooth

Ricky: Are they smooth?

Karl: Yeah, cause chamois leather's smooth.

Ricky: Do you shave'em?

Karl: No, I don't

Uninteligible

Ricky: In case a fireman pops round when you're undressed; it looks like your head. Fireman pops around, there you are, and he goes: “Oh, nice smooth”--

Steve: So you never go to the doctor's? What even--

Karl: I don't like it

Steve: Even if you found some bubos under your arm or something?

Karl: I'd wait for a bit and I'd say to Suzanne: “What do you think?”

Steve: To see if it develops into plague

Ricky chuckles

Steve laughs

Karl: Well, yeah. Cause you know, don't you

Ricky: Old bandages around your head, and a bell. “Suzanne, can you get me a bell?”

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: Brilliant

Karl: I don't...

Ricky: There was this kid at our school, we took the piss out of for the, basically, rest of his time there. It was when we were about eleven, someone said: How would you wanna die, right...drowning, fire all that. He said “I wanna die of old age in my mother's arms”.

Steve laughs loudly

Ricky laughs

Steve: How old was he?

Ricky: About eleven

Steve: Loser!

Ricky continues laughter

Steve: In my mother's arms? What, getting off with her?

Ricky: No, die of old age, how old was she? Brilliant, I wanna die of old age with my nan and my mum

Steve: Yeah, all in the same bed

Ricky: Oh. Oh dear.

Steve: So, if you, if, if it was the last day, you've got one day to live. What would you do with your day? Now, let's assume that, uhm, you're not in a state of ill health

Karl: There's not that much you can do, though

Steve: It's just the end of the world, and you've--

Ricky: --what do you mean it's not much you could do? That's what we're asking you

Steve: It's the last day in your life

Ricky: It depends, doesn't it? If we're all in the same boat, if someone says: “Oh, unlucky”, uh-without bitterness, “we've accidentally exposed you to some radiation poisoning and you've got a day”. Or, if it was like, “there’s meteor coming this way, we're all in the same boat”, I think it would be different. It depends whether it's you and the rest of the world. No?

Steve: I'd do the same thing. I'd steal a car and go joy-riding. But like go mental, I’d be smashing stuff, I'd be knocking people over for a laugh. I'd be going crazy, it'd be like Grand Theft Auto.

Ricky: Right, ok. Brilliant

Steve: It'd be extraordinary. Driving through a park

Ricky: That’s what I did in The Getaway. I'm trying to play it seriously and within about ten minutes I was just going round areas that I knew to knock people over.

Ricky chuckles

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah...I-I don't think I would do that much. Seriously. You couldn't watch telly, cause you might not know how the thing ends.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sure. Yeah. Be a waste of time

Ricky: You could watch 24, couldn't you? The whole day.

Steve and Karl: Yep

Ricky: On DVD

Karl: Do that then, do that

Laughing

Ricky: Do that, yeah?

Steve: Wha- But let's be honest. Let's say, you know, you could take all your money out of your bank account. You could fly anywhere in the world, you could do whatever you want.

Ricky: Well, not a long flight. You couldn't..

Steve: Well, no, But you’ve got your girlfriend.

Ricky: Australia, you wouldn't make it, would you?

Steve: No..

Ricky: Why do you- what- why wouldn't you go to the monkey sanctuary down in Cornwall, and just roam round cuddling as many monkeys as you can?

Karl: I'm gonna tell you something now

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Goin’ there next week

Ricky scoffs

Steve: Are you?

Karl: Yeah

Ricky giggles

Karl: Taking me mum and dad away. ‘Cause like Suzanne's mum and dad..

Steve: What? Are you donating them?

Ricky: Most people put them in a home. Well, it's, how - monkey sanctuary is cheaper?

Karl: Taking them down, yeah, taking them down to Cornwall.

Ricky: Hold on. I thought you said you'd never go away with parents again?

Karl: No, no. That was Suzanne's mum and dad.

Ricky: Oh, is this to get even, or something?

Karl: So, yeah. So we'll do that, and then we'll can it, then

Ricky bursts into laughter

Ricky: "That was your outing". Your phoning your both sets of parents, and you go, right: "You won't be seeing us ever again on holiday. We're taking you away, we're taking you away."

Steve: Be careful that the monkey people don't buy you off your parents.

Ricky: Yeah. Make sure, make sure they don't leave any of the monkeys' food in a telephone box, cause your dad will have that away.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Oh. I was talking to them about that the other day. About the, eh, nicking in phone boxes. And he-

Steve: Should we just explain that?

Ricky: They live in a small village in Wales. And, uh, it's like one, sort of, utility store, and when it's shut they leave your shopping in the telephone box across the road. And Karl's dad found out about this, and goes and helps himself.

Steve: Yeah. To other peoples' shopping

Ricky: That's terrible. Yeah, go on.

Karl: And, uh, I was talking to him about that. Saying, you know: “Have you picked up any surprises, you found in the box?” And, he said “no”. We're talking about other stuff he used to do. One of them used to be going to this supermarket, right, in Manchester-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Needs a new pair of shoes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Go in, take a new pair off the shelf, pop them on, leave his old ones there

Ricky: Really?

Steve: And what, walk out again?

Karl: Yeah. Brilliant

Ricky: Unless you go in after him and buy his old ones back, like an idiot

Steve: Yeah. You go in the next day. “Hey, they look nice. My mates got a pair just like them. I've always wanted some.”

Ricky: ”Can I have those?”

Music starts playing

Steve: Incidentally, we don't advocate the stealing of shoes from shops.

Ricky: Or, or, or, the joy-riding and killing people.

Steve: Unless you got one day left

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Or phone boxes.

Ricky laughs

Song: Elton John - Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)

Ooooooooh, Rockbusters!

Song: Elton John - Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)

Ricky: John..Fighting.

Steve laughs

Ricky: M, Gervais, Merchant, Pilkington.

Steve laughs again

Ricky: Rockbusters!

Steve: Ah, brilliant. Is there a jingle for Rockbusters? I don't think there is one, is there?

Ricky: (disappointed) No..

Steve: Could you come up with one quickly?

Ricky: Oooh..Rockbusters!

Steve laughs

Steve: Brilliant!

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: The prizes this week, there's not many. I have to say Karl's not sourced many, but what he has got are actually good quality.

Ricky: Well, I've been trying to instil in him it's--you know--quality, not quantity.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: As opposed to what--like, 15 copies of, you know, Fools and Horses Christmas Special with a giveaway three wheeler--

Steve: (giggling) Yeah

Ricky: --car, and Primal Scream's greatest hits on 11 CD's.

Steve: Yeah. Not Primal Scream. Inspiral Carpets.

Ricky: Yes, I thought, that was it. Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Inspiral Carpets. Yeah, we've got, uhm, this new KISS FM hip hop classics compilation which's got some really good stuff on there. Eh, new stuff from the likes of, uhm, you know, Outkast and the Wu Tang, but some old classics from Public Enemy, of course, LL Cool J's 'Mama said knock you out'. It's worth having alone for that track.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah

Steve: Uhm-I think this is four CDs, no, it's two CDs. The best Air Guitar Album in the World Volumes 1 and 2 in a special box set--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --we've got all sorts on there-

Ricky: May.

Steve: --Bryan Adams is on there.

Ricky: Adams

Steve: Robin Palmer

Ricky: Adams, May, Palmer

Steve: But also excellent stuff: Beastie Boys, The Clash, we've got the Kinks, so that's good. Abigail's Party the DVD from Alison Steadman, I know you're quite a fan of that, aren’t you, Rick?

Ricky: Yeah, it's good.

Steve: She's a, from many years ago, if you’ve not seen it's uhm, it's good. This Later with Jools Holland DVD, it's got live performance by PJ Harvey, The Cardigans, Rollins--

Ricky: But is he playing boogie-woogie over their tracks.

Steve: I would hope so.

Ricky: Okay..okay, good

Steve: Also, it's the new album from The Thrills?

Karl: Uhm, yeah, the new album. Yeah

Steve: So that's a little --

Ricky: Well..

Steve: a little exclusive, it's not even out yet, is it?

Karl: I don't kno--well

Ricky: Well..it's not the sorta thing Karl can come up with, if pushed.

Steve: (from the other side of the room) So don’t start...

Ricky: It's all about the game, though. All about the game, the prizes are for fun-

Karl: Mm

Ricky: It's all about the playing of the game.

Karl: Mm

Ricky: Let's see what Karl's come up with this week. This is his last chance. If I ever hear anything like New Odour again-

Steve laughs

Ricky: -that's the end. Okay?

Karl: They did get it, though, didn't they?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: (mumbles) They worked it out, they-

Steve: Let's have the jingle again.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Ohh..Rockbusters!

Karl: Right, if you haven't heard it before, cryptic clues, uhm, that make up a band, and some initials to help you on your way, as well.

Steve: Uh-huh

Karl: Right, so-

Ricky: Well, you'd never get it without, but go on.

Karl: First one, uhm: That fella likes suckin' on iron. Alright?

Steve: That fella likes sucking on iron?

Karl: Yeah. The initial there: M. Alright?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: That fella likes suckin' on iron. Right, that's the first one. Second one, uhm: The Jamaican fella spots a boat.

Ricky: Aww, God...

Steve: (laughing) Say that again.

Karl: The Jamaican fella spots a boat.

Steve: Spots a boat?

Karl: Yeah. Alright?

Steve: The Jamaican fella (distinctly) spots a boat.

Karl: Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Steve: Alright.

Karl: Initial there: D

Steve: B?

Karl: D. D. D

Steve: Alright.

Karl: And the last one, uhm: D'ya want a game of tug of war? Well, it's up to you, you own it. Alright.

Steve: Interesting.

Ricky: I- I just got number two, oh God..

Karl: Right?

Steve sniggers.

Karl: D'ya want-

Ricky: Right, go on!

Karl: D'ya want a game of tug of war? Well, it's up to you, you- you own it.

Steve: And the initial?

Karl: E.

Steve: All of them again, quickly

Karl: Right. The first one: That fella likes suckin' on iron, it's M. Second one: Jamaican fella spots a boat. Right? That's D. And the last one: D'ya want a game of tug of war? Well, it's up to you, you know, it's- you own it. Right.

Ricky: (sniggering) I love the way he embellishes it like it's a full story at the end.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That's- that's E.

Ricky: Play a record

Steve: Ricky dot Gervais at xfm dot co dot uk.

Ricky: Email only.

Steve: Email only. We cannot be bothered to answer the phone. Ricky dot Gervais at xfm dot co dot uk.

Karl: Brilliant.

Music starts playing.

Karl: White Stripes?

Steve: Excellent.

Song: The White Stripes - I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Xfm: Where Paths Cross

Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Universally Speaking

Ricky: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Universally Speaking on XFM 104.9. Well, halfway through, Steve. I'm Ricky Gervais, that was Mr. Merchant I was referring to there, as Steve-

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Familiar, friends by now. Five years in the making. Karl Pilkington: I've only known him a year and a half, but he's a good friend as well.

Karl: Aight?

Ricky: XFM: Where paths cross.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: So? Any interesting things to talk about, guys? Dr Fox style.

Karl: Uh..

Steve: -any amusing observations? Have you taken a sideways look on this week's news or anything, Karl, what have you?

Karl: I'll tell you what I did hear last night

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uhm- Five Live. They do like a review of what's gone on in the week. I'm always busy in the week, I haven't got time to, to follow what's gone on.

Steve: In the world, sure.

Karl: Uhm, someone's made a chicken with teeth

Steve and Ricky laughs

Steve: What? For what reason?

Karl: Dunno, cause they can.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Just cause they can.

Karl: And the, like-

Ricky: chews his food.

Karl: -they had a- had a few guests saying: “well, you know, where will it all end?”

Ricky: So, you're sure you weren't watching a Wallace and Gromit video?

Karl: No, seriously, right? It’s, uhm, doing it.

Ricky: A chicken with teeth?

Steve: Why would they spend millions researchi--

Ricky: What do you mean "there's a chicken with teeth"? What the f--. What do you mean "there's a chicken with teeth"?

Karl: Sounds mad, dunnit?

Ricky: What are you talking about, Karl?

Karl: That's what they've done, d'ya know like--

Ricky: Why?

Karl: I dunno. It’s just messin' with science and that. And that's what the people were saying, like, “why are you doing that, d'ya know what I mean, where will it stop? What's the next thing.? They did the sheep. They did the cloning.”

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right?

Steve: The rat with an ear on its back.

Karl: Did that. Uh-

Ricky: Can hear a mouse, a cat coming, can't it?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: (softly) Ehm, what else did were they talking about? They talked about that sheep again. That cloning one.

Steve: Yeah. Dolly the sheep.

Karl: Do you think that's clever?

Steve: wha--

Karl: Cause they do all look the same anyway.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: What's it got to do with its cleverness-?

Karl: The fact that-

Steve: -being cloned.

Karl: Being cloned. Is, is it, d’ya think it’s a good thing?

Ricky: He doesn’t think it’s that impressive, cause they look the same anyway.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They could've just put any sheep in there, and go: “Look, the same”. Yeah. Brilliant.

Steve: So, there was a program on people talking about--

Ricky: What are you talking about "chicken with teeth"?

Karl: That's, it was the latest news, it was like all about the war and that, I was like, “yeah, yeah, yeah”. And there was a chicken with with teeth, and I said: “Hang on”-

Steve: Your ears perked up.

Ricky: Yeah, you didn’t hear anything about the war, did ya? That was, like, they might as well have been speaking French. Or just, like, whistles (Ricky whistles) “And now: A story about a chicken with teeth”.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I know.

Ricky: You stopped washing then?

Karl: --someone could let us know-

Ricky: Owh, God. Don't open the flood gates.

Karl: No, but I'm just saying I don't know the ‘full thing'.

Ricky: Of course-

Steve: Surprise, surprise.

Ricky: -you don't.

Karl: They just touched on it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Anyway, other stuff I did do proper research on in the week--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uh, having your testicles done.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Having your testicles done?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What does that mean?

Karl: The same magazine that was doing the hanky coverage-

Steve: (giggling) Right.

Karl: Letting you all know what all that's about.

Ricky laughing.

Karl: Ehm-

Steve: Seems like a great magazine.

Ricky: How can we get him as a pundit on these news shows, like Newsnight, d'ya know what I mean? Sky, Sky News...

Steve: Question Time: He’d be amazing on there, wouldn’t he?

Ricky: Just on there, ask ‘em what they think. Wouldn't that be amazing? Is there a producer out there who would take a chance on Pilkington? It’s Pilkington, Rageh Omaar, Ian Hislop. And they'll-a panel of people, and they just ask, ask people..

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -so you can have your testicles made bigger.

Ricky: Why would you wanna do that?

Karl: Well, that's what I was asking. What's the point?

Ricky: The actual testicles, or do they just inflate your ballbag? Cause you could do that, couldn't you. To- have some air injected, like it was a big, whoosh so they'd look bigger, but they'd rattle inside, wouldn't they? Make a little noise, wouldn't they (makes noise)?

Steve chuckling.

Ricky: Ma'nackas.

Steve laughs.

Steve: Some kind of instrument?

Ricky: Yeah. Like one of those, sort of African instruments, just like a big sheep's bladder with -- --

Steve: Yeah, there’s Pedro on the ma'nackas.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. is just-- yeah.

Steve: Just stripped--(laughs) -stripped to the waist.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, just hanging out.

Karl: Why-why-

Ricky: -then when you sort, of like, neighbours would think: “what's he doing, he's been playing those manackas all night?” And really you were, you know..

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Why-why

Steve: The mouse with the ear on its back going “keep it down”.

Ricky: Yeah, “this is really loud to me”.

Steve laughs.

Karl: Eh? Wh-why would someone have that done?

Ricky: (angrily) You brought it up?

Steve: Presumably so they could draw a funny face on them.

Ricky snorts

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Obviously.

Ricky: And you could let them down after the holiday, like you do with a lilo. Just let-(sniggers)

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: On holiday you're floating around, you know, like-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: in the sea, with, your big instrumental manackas, just floating, you're having a whale of a time. People playing it as they go past.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Alright, Karl? Alright-?

Steve: Become, a bit of a, sort of, a local celebrity

Ricky: Yeah. There's Karl with his floating manackas, like a big jellyfish, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And the end of the holiday, eh, Saturday--

Steve: (laughing) If you've got a little pair of tight Speedos it'll be like Jordan walking around.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: And then he's like-

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: (makes deflating sound)

Steve: Just let ‘em down when he comes back.

Ricky: Let the manackas down for the plane.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Yeah, cause apparently they do, they do get bigger, don't they? Once you get older? When you're an old fella?

Ricky: No, I think they get lower. I think that's it, the testicles and breasts get lower.

Steve: Is that purely gravity?

Ricky: I think so, yeah, probably. Stretching a bit, innit?

Karl: So there's the-

Ricky: Wear and tear.

Karl: -the old fellas who are walking about saying: “aw, sick of these”.

Ricky: No, they don't tread on them.

Steve: That's why old people always have a little sit-down.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Every hundred meters.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Keep them in the socks.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Ricky: Or I suppose you could have them, have a little ball lift, you could have face lift, can't you? A little nip and tuck. Or probably a face lift would help, cause that, if you pull the face up.

Steve: That's gonna bring the skin up.

Ricky: A little bit, yeah. Don't go too far, you'll have your knob as a tie. But, you could tighten stuff up-

Steve: Speak for yourself, Rick.

Ricky bursts.

Ricky: Stephen's kipper tie, that's lovely tie you've got there, Steve.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: And you look so young. Yeah, of course that little underneath it, that little broach. Well, wait (blows out) Playing with your little manackas all night, Karl. So: A chicken with teeth, and you can have your balls done. That's, imagine Kirsty Ward, or whatever her name is, on Newsnight saying that. Now, two features this week. The war in Iraq, let’s forget that. Who wants their nackers done, and look at that chicken.

Karl: (mumbles)

Ricky: -careful it bites.

Steve: I think we should send this link to Dr Fox, and see-

Ricky bursts.

Steve: -see if he thinks it an improvement on what he heard during the Sony's.

Ricky: Play a record. Play a record. You'll get this link, send it to Dr Fox, he'll love it.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Alright?

Song starts.

Steve: Plus he'll be offering some kind of medical explanation.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

Karl: Teenage Fan Club.

Ricky: Aww.

Steve: It's brilliant.

Song: Teenage Fan Club - Radio

I Hear They're Gonna Have a Bath

Song: Teenage Fan Club - Radio

Steve: One of Kurt Cobain's favourite bands apparently, Teenage Fan Club, and that was the song Radio.

Ricky: (in a voice) He loved 'em.

Steve: We've just had an email here, uh, says apparently- they created the chicken with the teeth in order to prove that DNA could be reverse stimulated. The theory being that if you could revert chickens to a state in which it has teeth, I don't know if it ever had teeth, you could alter someone's DNA to stop them going bald, Karl.

Ricky: Did that, do they mean that because birds came from reptiles that had teeth, outcrops, and then changed into a beak or whatever-

Steve: Uh-hum.

Ricky: -that, they revert- I don't understand- they revert DNA...

Steve: I mean, there’s not quite enough science here for me to be able to answer it in detail-

Ricky: Well, not for us maybe, but I think Karl's probably grasped it.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: What do you think that means, Karl?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What, what did it say?

Ricky bursts.

Steve: (jolly) Okay, moving on.

Ricky: (still laughing) Oooh deeaar. Oooh.

Steve: Life's too short.

Karl: What else is there?

Ricky: Have you got Monkey News coming up soon?

Karl: Ehm, like I say, it's been a struggle. We'll-we'll do that- we'll do-uh-Cheeky Freak of the Week, d'ya wanna-?

Ricky: Oh, definitely. Should we do Cheeky Freak of the Week?

Steve: Cheeky Freak of the Week.

Ricky: I can't wait, I'll always do these, I'd start off with these.

Steve: Oh, well, let's have the jingle for Cheeky Freak of the Week.

Ricky: Oh, no.

Steve: Do you remember it?

Ricky: No!

Steve: I remember it.

Ricky: Oh. Oh. (similar to Monkey News jingle) Oooh, Cheeky Freak of the Week.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Summat like that?

Steve: And once more, because that was half-hearted

Ricky: (in a slighty different manner) Oooh, Cheeky Freak of the Week.

Steve: Excellent.

Karl: Right.This, we’re going back again.

Ricky: Yeah, 17th century?

Karl: Well, it was, it was 1829. Alright?

Ricky: Oh, I'm impressed.

Karl: Uhm- now the problem is with Cheeky Freak of the Week, uhm-

Ricky: Not so much of the week, is it, if you're going back to 1829?

Karl: Well-

Ricky: Not even in the century, you haven't even done Cheeky Freak of the Century.

Karl: Hmm. This-

Steve: What's the problem with Cheeky Freak of the Week?

Karl: Just because-

Steve: Other than the sort of moral implications?

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Karl: Well, last week it was a fella with two 'eads.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: We've done Siamese twins. It's Siamese twins again.

Ricky: No, it was Siamese twins, it wasn’t a fella with two heads last week. It was Siamese twins, conjoined twins, sorry. This is what I'm telling you.

Karl: Well, this is the problem, they're gonna crop up quite a lot, cause they got double the chance.

Ricky laughs. Gasps for air.

Karl: Uhm-

Ricky: Oh, please don't write in and complain. He knows not what he does. You understand, don't you? Uh, Karl will actually feature one day in this section-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -so..right. Go on, Karl.

Karl: Well, we're going back to 1829-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh-

Steve: All the way back there, to 1829.

Ricky: The story true. Conjoined twin link.

Steve laughs.

Karl: Uh, couple of guys set up a business -uh- they were called Chang and Ang.

Ricky: Oh, they're the first- that's why they're called Siamese twins, cause they were- weren't- wasn't that what is was based on, those two, Chang and Ang?

Karl: Was it?

Ricky: The original, yeah. That's why they're called Siamese twins, cause they were Siamese.

Karl: So these were the first ones?

Ricky: Well, not the first ones, but they're the ones who got up to fame, I think-

Karl: --

Ricky: -and why people started calling them, started calling conjoined twins Siamese twins. I think I'm right there.

Steve: Anyway.

Karl: Good. Uh,well, they, they sort of set up a business that were going 'round the US-

Ricky: Both of'em?

Karl: -and Europe. Yeah.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Uh- and what they used to do, people were amazed by it, anyway-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -people wanted to know, 'ow they'd get through life doing certain things that, that you'd think about when you think about Siamese twins, you think about, you know, how do you get through a day life that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh, and the thing that cropped up the most with people, was how they'd take a bath. So, they used to go on tour around the US and Europe, and, eh, sit in a bath-

Steve snorts.

Ricky giggles softly

Karl: -have a wash, and that. And eh---

Ricky: Did they ever wash each other by mistake, oh-oh-oh, that ends there, that ends there. Like those things in supermarkets-

Steve: (giggling) Yeah.

Ricky: Oh-oh-oh!-

Karl: What d'ya mean?

Ricky: -don't put that there. You know those things on the conveyor belt, the little-

Steve: The little dividers?

Ricky: Yeah-

Steve: They wind me up those dividers. I, sorry, this is a complete tangent(?), but I- for some reason- it's my own psychosis, but I get so annoyed if I'm in a supermarket, I've got my shopping and I'm just about to get served. And you can always see- there are certain people who stand behind you getting edgy, itchy, worried that I'm not gonna put the divider down to separate my shopping from theirs. It's like they're terrified that I'm somehow gonna deliberately pay for their shopping--

Ricky: Sneak in their onion.

Steve: Yeah. (greedy) “Oh, I didn't get an onion, I'll have that, mm!” But what annoys me it is so much that, obviously, it's a practical thing. It's the fact that they get a bit edgy. You can actually see certainly kind of, dare I say it: Certain kind of breed of woman, and a certain breed of fella, will just get a bit itchy, a bit edgy. And you just, you can see them sweating, especially if they can't reach-

Ricky: I just lean over and do it myself.

Steve: Well, I know, but it's, the thing is, it's like they almost feel it's, they, they ought to wait for me to do it. As it's somehow my obligation. And I- it just annoys me. For some reason it's, I know it's ludicrous, but it really annoys me, and I actually deliberately don't put the divider down just to see them sweat!

Ricky: I like the way that- they're actually quite well made. There's some that are brass- like a felt bottom-

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: -like you really cared. A twig would do, wouldn't it?

Steve: (giggling) Exactly.

Ricky: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: But I just leave slight gap-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -and when it gets to the- when the woman's putting it through the till, or the guy, I just say: “That's my stuff”.

Ricky: Do you ever look at other people’s shopping and go: “Oh, I should have got that”?.

Steve: Often.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s annoying

Steve: I'll tell you what it is, it's the same, again, it's my psychosis. When people, if you're on a bus or train, and we're pulling into the stop, but there's a good, you know, kinda, 35 seconds before we're actually gonna come to a halt-

Ricky: I know what you mean.

Steve: -they leap up-

Ricky: -they get up .

Steve: -and they’re straight by the door.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Like- but it's this fear that someth- that they’re gonna miss out on, like, what if I fell-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -and broke my ankle-

Ricky: To be fair, I've never had that- that commuter's worry. I've never commuted. But every second counts, doesn't it? Cause you miss a train, it could make a difference of half an hour. So that's why commuters literally run to get their-

Steve: But-

Ricky: -connections.

Steve: But, but the thing is with the bus-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -uhm, you know, there's often it’ll be people who are sat right next to the exit, will get up and stand up for a while, waiting to get out. It just, again, I'm not saying it's -

Ricky: I'll tell you what-

Steve: -it makes perfect sense to them-

Ricky: -tell you what, when you’ve got a day to live

Steve: -it's my psychosis.

Ricky: -they're gonna get mowed down, in the streets they-

Steve: They gonna get--

Ricky: -you're gonna be in a lovely Chrysler.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah. Just-

Steve: Well, I will be going straight through a branch of Waitrose.-

Ricky: (laughing)Yeah.

Steve: -taking people out in the aisle

Ricky: So, we do NOT condone going through Waitrose in a Chrysler-

Steve: -in a car.

Ricky: Now, there's Chang and Ang, they're in the bath, they're washing their own bits. They've got one of those dividers, right. They go: “Right, that's definitely yours, I marked mine. That's definitely mine. Don't wash that, Chang. I wouldn't, Ang. I wouldn't wash that”. Right? So, what- what are they're doing? They're in the bath, carry on with the story.

Karl: Uh, that's about it, really.

Ricky: Jesus.

Karl: That's, the fact that people-

Ricky: (angry) So, two people, two little oriental fellas, joined at the hip, had a bath!?

Karl: No-no-no!

Ricky: -that's your story?

Karl: No, they didn't have a bath. They sort of, everybody, they must have done some sort of research, right?

Ricky: Who?

Karl: Chang and Ang. Right? And they said, rig- what do people want to see.

Ricky: Isn't that a Bay City Rollers’ song?

Steve: But! It's the idea that people have queued up, they've paid their money, they're in a tent. Well, I hear they're gonna have a bath. They're gonna have a bath. Two Siamese twins have a bath. How could they possibly do it? Well, I’ve heard they get into a bath--

Ricky: But-

Steve: -I don't really-

Ricky: But I presume they want to see them nude, and see where the join was.

Karl: No,-

Ricky: -more than how do they get in the bath?

Karl: I don't know. That's just- that's what they picked. They said: Wha--what would be good to see, what woul- what d’ya wanna see 'em do?

Steve: Having a bath..?

Ricky: How d’ya get into trousers?

Karl: Well, actually, this is all part of it. That's why they picked having a bath.

Ricky and Steve: Both laughing.

Ricky: This is all "part of it". Would they watch them get dressed afterwards?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Who was the best out of Chang and Ang? Who's your favourite?

Karl: Uh, they both look the same, to be honest.

Ricky bursts.

Ricky: There's a surprise. One was a short ginger woman?

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Karl: --Is there anything, you know, wha- what would be better than having a bath, for you and you seeing them. Wha- what would, sorta, make you go: “Ah, I wonder”-

Ricky: One of them pulling, and the other one going home alone.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like, “look: She's definitely up for it, I'm taking her home. Oh, what am I gonna do? Can I watch? Definitely not! Definitely not. Look, you go to bed, I wanna (laughing) wine-and-dine her”.

Steve: But if they're, if he's got her back to their place-

Ricky chuckling.

Steve: -and they're going at it hammer and tongs, are you saying one of ‘em-

Ricky: No, Hammer and Tongs were their cousins.

Steve: (chuckling) Right.

Ricky: (laughing) They lived miles away-

Steve: Yeah. Uhm, if one of them gets knackered, can the other one take over?

Ricky bursts out

Ricky: God! I think we've- play a record.

Karl: But, that annoys me.

Ricky: What?

Karl: That sort of...being at it all night.

Ricky and Steve: Both chuckling.

Steve: What do you mean?

Karl: Let's put a song on, and I'll come back to-

Ricky: What do you mean?

Karl: No-no...

Music starts.

Ricky: Come on!

Karl: Seriously, because-

Ricky: Oh, okay.

Karl: Bit of REM, yeah?

Ricky: Well, after REM - Nightswimming: Being at it all night and why it annoys Karl.

Steve chuckles.

Song: REM - Nightswimming

Get It Done Right the First Time

Song: REM - Nightswimming

Ricky: Nightswimming by REM. Well, before we played that track remember Karl was on the, right on, teetering on the cusp of telling us why he's annoyed at going all night. I assume you, you mean-

Steve: Relations.

Ricky: --

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What do you mean? What annoys you about that? What-

Steve: Sexual relations all night

Ricky: -the concept or people keep you up? Is your next door neighbour at it?

Karl: No, just that thing of people who say: “Oh, I was at it all night last night”.

Ricky: (giggling) Who says that to you?

Karl: You know, lads who think they're- you know, think they're a bit of a lad and think that that means it's good.

Steve: Well, like Sting and his tantric sex?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Well, to be fair, it goes for 8 hours, but only 3 minutes of that is going for it, the other is sort of- you know, 7 and a bit is sort of laying next to each other, isn't it?

Steve: (chuckling)Right.

Ricky: Sometimes in a different room.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is that why it's called Sting?

Ricky giggles.

Steve: Eh?

Karl: Well, if you're at it all night, innit?

Steve: (laughing) It’s gonna sting?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Oh, God.

Steve: So, what's your problem with this kind of notion of going at it all night?

Karl: It's just that thing of, you know, get it done right the first time.

Ricky and Steve: Ricky and Steve laughs out. Ricky screams.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? Get it done!

Steve: Yeah. Get in, get out, like the SAS.

Karl: Once you've done it, you're done. D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, no fannying around.

Karl: No messin' about. So, uh, yeah, it's just that, innit? It’s like, just do it right the first time. Once you've washed up, right? You put the pots away, you don't do 'em again.

Ricky snorts.

Steve howling.

Ricky: What a lovely analogy!

Steve: That's one of the great-

Ricky: That- is that what you say to Suzanne? “Come on, love. Once you've washed up”-

Steve: --”I already washed up”.

Ricky: ”You don't dirty the pots again.”

Ricky and Steve: Ricky and Steve laughs.

Steve: What a romantic-

Ricky: Ding-dong! (Spanish accent) “Hello, is there a fire. Oh! Hello?”

Steve giggling.

Ricky: Did he have a moustache, the fireman?

Karl: Oh.

Karl cuts to XFM jingle.

The Crappest Quiz on Radio

Song: Radiohead - There There

Ricky: Radiohead: ‘There There’ on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington with the answers to Rockbusters. The, the biggest quiz on radio, probably.

Steve: Uh-hum.

Ricky: D'ya wanna remind us of the prizes, Steve?

Steve: No, you mean the crappiest quiz on radio!

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Alright? Ehm- first one was: That fella likes suckin' on iron.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? The initial was M.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: What was the band? It was Metal-Licka. Aight?

Steve: Or?

Ricky: Metal-Licka?I've never heard of a band called Metal-Licka.

Karl: Metallica.

Ricky: You said Metal-licka. I don't understand-

Karl: Yeah. Metal-licka.(strung out) Mett-al-licka-

Ricky: What?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: No, say it again. Say it again and try it sound like Metallica sound like Metal-licka.

Steve chuckling, then howls.

Karl: Meta- Metal-licka. Metallica, Metal-licka.

Steve still howling

Ricky: Is he having a fit? Say it again, make Metallica sound like "metal licka"

Karl: Metallica, metal licka.

Ricky: Okay, next one.

Steve laughs.

Karl: Aight?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh- second one: The Jamaican fella spots a boat. Tha- that was easy, that was D. That was DeBarge. Uh, you got that.

Ricky: Make it sound like the band?

Karl: DeeBarge.

Ricky: Sound like a Jamaican fella saying spotting a boat?

Karl: Dee Barge! Aight? So you got that one. And, uh-

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: -and the last one: D'ya wanna game of tug-of-war? Well, it's up to you, you own it. Alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -that was E. That was Your-rope. Aight? Europe.

Steve: (surprised) Europe?!

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Who did the Final Countdown?

Karl: Yep. So that's the-

Ricky: No, wha-what, we've let that go?

Steve howls.

Karl: That's the three answers for this week. Who's the winner, Steve?

Steve: Well, again, I mean there are lots and lots of people who've got it right, Rick. So, I don't know if it's just us who think that this is...rubbish.

Ricky: Right. Who's the winner?

Steve: But- you know I'm always a fan of people with something, a name that tickles me-

Ricky: (giggling) Yeah.

Steve: -and sadly I did want to give it to-(laughs)- I wanted to give it to Daniel Jowett- (laughs)- because I just, for some reason Danny Jowett-

Ricky: --stop!

Steve: -but sadly I just realised he got it wrong. So I'm gonna give it to a different Dan-

Ricky: So not only did you ridicule his name, you-

Steve: He's not even getting the prizes.

Ricky giggling.

Steve: But, better luck next time, uhm, Danny Jowett. Instead I'm giving it Dan Mason, uhm, of Ilford. So he got them right, so he wins those prizes.

Karl: Alright, well-

Ricky: Okay-

Steve: More of that next week? I mean, wha-what do we think?

Karl: We’ll do it next week, then?

Ricky: Yeah. Okay. What you doing now? A record, or summat?

Karl: Uhh-

Ricky: Hoople.

Karl: A bit of Mott the Hoople

Steve: Oh, the Hoople, yeah

Karl: Hoople? Yeah.

Music starts playing.

Steve: Monkey News?

Ricky: Next!

Karl: (clicks his tongue) Aight.

Song: Mott the Hoople - Roll Away the Stone

That Mammal That's Got the Pointiest Eyes

Song: Mott the Hoople - Roll Away the Stone

Ricky: Mott the Hoople - Roll away the Stone. Classic little ditty. On XFM 104.9. Alright?

Steve: Play the jingle.

Ricky: Oh, is th- is this it? Brilliant. Oh, Chimanzee that Monkey News Extra!

Steve laughs.

Karl: Well-

Steve: Is there Monkey News?

Karl: I tell you what, I've been having a bit of a problem this week.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: I- It's just been a struggle. Normally I can come in to work on a Monday, and there'll be something that's happened over the Saturday, over the Sunday night. D'ya know what I mean? Over the weekend the monkeys have done something

Steve laughs.

Karl: Been very quiet, I thought I'll be alright, let's see how the week goes on. Uh, I don't know if they've caught on to the fact that we've given 'em this coverage now.

Steve: Mmh.

Karl: Or..I-I don't understad. Normally people are emailing me stuff all the time about monkeys. Uh, been very quiet week, been checking, uh, was looking in books last night, and stuff, uh-

Ricky: Is there any Monkey News?

Karl: I- I've got some, but just because it's not that good, something else that I've found out I thought I'd share with you.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Was looking in the Guinness book of records, right? Cause I thought they'll have something in there about monkeys, or something, right?

Steve: Mm-mmh.

Karl: Uh-, and there's a little monkey, think it lives in Asia. Right? There's loads of 'em, live in Asia-

Ricky: Might just have been travelling, but yeah.

Karl: -and, uh-, something I found out, I don't know if they've got it right. And that's why I wanna bring it up. Uh, apparently it's the mammal, right, that's got...sort of the pointiest eyes. Eyes that pop out of their head.......Steve?

Ricky bursts out laughing.

Karl: Now-

Ricky still laughing.

Karl: -the thing is, right? I thought that's interesting.

Steve: (reluctant)Yeah..

Karl: Apparently, it's, it's the biggest, with the sorta goggle eye type thing.

Ricky bursts.

Steve: Huh.

Ricky: Right, yeah. Go on.

Karl: Apparently. The- they come out of their head, uhm, 1.6 centimetres.

Ricky: 1.6 centimetres. What do you mean, they protrude..?

Karl: Yeah. They protrude from their head, 1.6.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Wha- How- How long?

Ricky: Have you got a ruler, Rick?

Ricky laughs. Bangs desk.

Karl: 1.6.

Ricky: He's 'aving a go.

Steve: I'm telling you, I'd be a little bit annoyed, if the monkey's beat me.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: Well, I don't think it has.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: That's what I'm hoping.

Karl: Is there anything we can- I mean, what's 1.6? Wha- didn't you-

Ricky: It's about-

Steve: Drop your trousers!

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: It's a- about, oh, well, about 3/4 of an inch.

Karl: What do you think?

Ricky: (giggling) I don't know.

Karl: Have they got it right, or what?

Ricky still giggling.

Steve: Maybe I should come down to Monkey World with you next week?

Ricky: Uh. Oh.

Karl: So anyway, that's- that's not the Monkey News, that's just something that cropped up, and-

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: (laughs) I do know once, you're playing pool in The Office. I think Lucy was your partner-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -me and Ash, versus you and Lucy. And you were having trouble, cause his glasses kept slipping down, so Lucy pushed his glasses up his nose, but the glasses touched his (laughing) eyes! Do you remember that?

Steve: Uh...yeah...

Ricky silently chuckling.

Ricky: He started it! He started it!

Steve: Well, you're the one who joined in!

Ricky: (laughs) No. I know, and I feel- I feel bad now.

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky shrieks

Ricky: He makes me nervous when he goes “Yeah”.... Play a record, Karl.

Steve: I'm just thinking about which part of your fat, middle-aged physique I can pick on!

Ricky laughing.

Ricky: The tits would be a good start

Steve: Yeah! Yeah.

Ricky: -or the belly.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Or what do you think of that?

Steve: Oh, that’s, that’s, what is that?

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Is that Monkey News for this week?

Steve: Haven't we got any other Monkey News .

Ricky: Was that all the Monkey News?!

Karl: It's just that it hasn't been that good. I mean, the one that I found out here. Uh, because we've covered so much in the monkey world., right, the fact that we've done a monkey that was half man. We've done a monkey that got a, got a decent job in a train station. Uh, can you think of any other?

Steve: Well, that's just some of the great monkey news from the past.

Karl: That's what I mean, so that's what you've got to compete with. So-

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: -even though that is amazin'. Uh-

Ricky: (annoyed)Just tell us!

Karl: Another monkey's got married!

Ricky and Steve: Ricky and Steve laughing.

Steve: Oh, not another monkey getting married.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Karl: It's got another one, you know, it was knocking about with some woman monkey for a bit. Uh-

Steve: A woman monkey.

Ricky giggling.

Karl: They decided to, you know, get married.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: They did.

Ricky: What do you mean: "They decided to get married"?

Steve: Was it pressure from her parents?

Karl: They had a good do, and-

Ricky: (giggling) A good do, the spread, just, peanut, vol-au-vents-

Karl: -celebrated in a pub, and then they both went off to the cage at night. That's, that's what I mean. Even though that is quite impressive-

Ricky: It's not true. Or it's a joke. It's nothing. It's not-

Karl: Ananova website. Official, sort of, news website.

Ricky: (reading) Two monkeys have married in Romania. Uh- after a whirlwind romance- well, that's-

Steve: (laughing) After a whirlwind romance.

Ricky: God, yeah. After a quick one hanging on to the rope.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. She was in the tyre, he saw it, he went: “I'll 'ave a go at that” and they go “You’ve gotta marry her now”. Her parents said: “Did you, did you just shag my daughter?”

Steve: He was in the zoo, knocking one off, she said: “I could do that for you”.

Ricky: (giggling) Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Guest say the monkey bride and groom were scared by the number of people attending the wedding. And refused to get out of his cage-

Steve: No, not bloody Hello Magazine again.

Ricky: No, it wasn't, I think it was sort of last minute nerves, like you know, I'm single now, it's like a big step. But his bride enjoyed every minute of it. She was loving it. She looked lovely, by the way. She looked lovely-

Steve: Sure, she ().

Ricky: ...reports she only appeared to have problems with her veil and dress. D'ya see? You know- th- the- this is- the guest---

Steve: I hope it didn't ruin it. Like Anthea Turner,and perhaps get sponsorship from PG Tips, or something.

Ricky giggles.

Ricky: ..with strong plum brandy, so they've gotten drunk as well. So, they carried on the celebrations at the pub, and the bride was taken to her new husband's cage at night. I- I really, well, I apologize. Play a record.

Music starts playing.

Steve: I'll tell you what winds me up.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Monkeys! Getting married.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: While I'm not getting any action. And I got bigger eyes.

Song: Oasis - Little by Little

We Avoided Saying Erection for Two Hours

Song: Oasis - Little by Little

Ricky: Little by Little, Oasis. On XFM 104.9. Well, that's the show. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl? D’ya think it was a good show today?

Karl: S'alright, there was some, uh-

Ricky: What d'ya think the-

Karl: -good moments in there.

Ricky: -loyal listener has gotten from today's show? What d'you think, think the, you know, we added to the world?

Karl: Well, I think they know what they got, right? But if someone’s just tuned in, I can tell them they missed out on some-

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: -some good stuff. Missed out on Chang and Ang-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: They're the two, or the one-

Ricky bursts

Karl: -the ones who invented, you know, the Siamese twins thing.

Ricky: Yeah, that's it. They invented it, yeah.

Karl: We've got, uh, you had like how we'd spend out last day.

Ricky: Yeah. Running people over.

Karl: Chicken with teeth, uh-

Ricky bursts again, shrieks

Ricky: Ah! He says it's like, you know, there's no other show that can give you all this. Yeah, go on.

Karl: Gay 'ankies, we've done that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No one will be having a problem there tonight.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh- another monkey marriage.

Steve laughs slightly.

Ricky: (laughing) Another monkey marriage- it sounds like the end of the news.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -you know what I mean? The headlines on Sky News: “The headlines now: Another monkey marriage in Romania.”

Steve laughs.

Karl: Uh- if you thought about 'aving your testicles bigger-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -we've sort of covered that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh-and the monkey... that, that had big eyes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If it's listening, you know. Its position might not be safe in the Guinness book of records.

Ricky: And, eh, and of course Karl stays hard by looking at firemen.

Steve: Indeed, we've also learnt that.

Karl: Well, that's not, that's not true.

Steve: Well, you know

Ricky: Well, you did.

Steve: All we know is, you saw a fireman and nothing. It didn't seem to affect your erection.

Ricky giggling.

Ricky: We've avoided saying erection for two hours.

Steve: -in fact, if anything, it prolonged it from what we could tell.

Ricky: We've avoided saying erection for two hours, and then he just, you know-

Karl: Healthy young man.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: (softly)-so-

Steve: No, no, I'm sure he was.

Ricky: Fireman keep Karl hard.

Karl: Right.

Music starts playing.

Ricky: Heat, for listening(?).

Steve: Aimee Mann to end with. See you next week.

Ricky: Bye.

Karl: Yeah.

Song: Aimee Mann - Driving With One Hand On the Wheel