22 March 2003

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

Karl is disappointed by the film Freaks, confused by transsexuals and slapped on the head live on-air by Stephen.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 22 March 2003/Transcript.

1. Bruce Willis on the Telly (0:00:00)

Are the times a-changin'? Karl thinks rich people have a more vested interest in stopping war, but Manchester benefited from being bombed. Listener Phil has suggested a new title for Crosswords: Songs of Phrase.

2. So We're Not Doing It? (0:03:01)

Karl has a Songs of Phrase competition prepared but Ricky is angered by the very thought of it, not to mention that Karl has had to tweak the phrase to find songs to fit.

3. Mars Bah Bah Bah (0:05:30)

Steve makes a 2nd attempt at being political. Will Karl be allowed to do his Songs of Phrase? The original phrase was "You never see an old man eating a Twix". Steve reads off the prizes, which include Scotland Rocks!

4. Freaks (0:10:52)

Karl might be the one person who can outwit Derren Brown. Karl watched the film Freaks and gives his lukewarm review. The movie includes a pinhead, the Pillow Man, some people who look older than they are (or the other way around - Karl's not sure) and an unconvincing half man/half woman. Karl would be more drawn to Steve than to one of the freaks. Steve slaps Karl.

5. Boo! Not Freakish Enough! (0:18:27)

Freaks was built up too much. Steve has always been honest with Karl, who looks stupid. When Steve came back from 3 weeks in LA, Karl was reminded of his weird looks. Ricky wants them to stop arguing, but is a stirrer. Extended discussion about the film. Future Olympic-style games of abled vs. disabled people. Cat replacement and sex change operations debated.

6. At the End of the Day, You Still Look Like a Fella (0:26:55)

Karl's still confused about transsexuals. Ricky tries to explain various non-traditional sexual orientations. What if Suzanne used to be a man? Karl spotted the wig on the fella at the off-license near Suzanne's parent's house.

7. Ahoy! (0:33:21)

At a certain age, you can nod at a copper, back in a van driver and tell if bitter has gone off. Steve's grandfather on the beach in a suit. Ricky in his pants or elasticated trousers. Has his tuxedo got velcro? Ricky and his sesame seed chest. Names you cannot call kids now. Karl's Uncle Alf who slept in a dinghy and had two tellies.

8. According to the Laws of the Sea (0:41:20)

Posh beardy twats climbing mountains. No need to get a cat out of a tree ("Get another one!") or bother with a cloned sheep who dies ("Clone another one!") Steve and his father in a boat. Karl's been thinking about better ways that money should be used, like inventions. Karl's never needed MC squared in his life. Cat mops. Is the telescope better than Rockbusters?

9. Tell Me More (0:50:17)

Ricky and Steve have Karl choose between proven modern inventions and some bizarre ones Steve reads from a catalogue. Protection from killer bees, pet petters, cheese-filtered cigarettes. Songs of Phrase answers but no time for Karl in a Film. Ricky ends the link with pseudo-proper DJ banter.

Quotes

Karl: I couldn't find a song with 'Twix' so we've changed the chocolate.

Ricky: Now, Karl. The big question .. is whether we're going to let you to do Songs of Phrase or not.
Steve: Rick, I should tell you now, there's been a flood of -- oh, no there hasn't.

Ricky: We've done hairy Chinese kids, we've done people having their nobs cut off, we've done freaks with no arms or legs. Ooh! Have we done Forrest Gump In A Wheelie Bin?

Steve: I’d definitely like to hear the word “clunge” more often.<ref>Steve got his wish. Extras character Maggie Jacobs uses the word in one episode.</ref>

Karl: Newton said about the apple, I did Rockbusters.

Songs of Phrase

And You Never See An Old Man Eat A Twix (Mars Bar)

1. Gerry & The Pacemakers - "You'll Never Walk Alone" (And you never)
2. Echo & The Bunnymen - "Seven Seas" (see)
3. Jim Croce - "Ol' Man River" (an old man)
4. The Jam - "Eton Rifles" (eat a)
5. David Bowie - "Life On Mars?" (Mars)
6. The Beach Boys - "Barbara Ann" (bar.)

Playlist

• Bob Dylan - The Times They Are a-Changing
• Turin Brakes - Pain Killer
• Neil Young - After the Gold Rush
• Athlete - El Salvador
• Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out
• Bruce Springsteen - Atlantic City
• The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
• Placebo - Bitter End
• Snoop Dogg - Who Am I? (What's My Name?)
• Eels - Mr. E's Beautiful Blues
• Missy Elliot - Gossip Folks
• Lou Reed - Vicious

Notes

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External Links

• Scotland Rocks! on Amazon.co.uk
• Freaks on IMDb
• Delphion Gallery of Obscure Patents
• More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk