16 November 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 16 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Genius Karl Pilkington

Ricky: Foo Fighters. All My Life on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and uh, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Genius Karl Pilkington as Heat magazine said.

Steve: Really, is that what he's referred to now?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: Genius. Saying about people tune in just to hear his games such as...Educating Ricky. Have you got some Educating Ricky for me?

Karl: Got some Educating Ri-...

Ricky: I need some education Karl. I desperately need some education.

Karl: Got some later.

Ricky: I wanna learn about Chinese kids that are born hairier than average.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I wanna her-hear about deaf girls that can hear after their mum hits their head against a wall. These are the things I need to know.

Steve: I mean I don't wish to be disrespectful. He doesn't look like a genius.

Ricky: He doesn't look like a genius.

Steve: But I don't know what a genius looks like, Rick.

Ricky: Exactly...

Steve: So, you know...

Ricky: ...Steve.

Karl: Lo-lo-look at Einstein.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: His mum thought he was mental as a child.

Ricky snickers

Steve: Where'd you get that information from?

Karl: That was in the Einstein book.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: If it was in the Einstein book then it's presumably true.

Steve: Which Einstein book is that? Is it Theory of relativity?

Ricky: The big book of Einstein stuff.

Steve: Oh yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, the big book of Einstein stuff. It's for a coach trip and you have to fill in E equals MC, one: squared, two: fish or three: hello and then it's multiple choice and then you fill it, it's great.

Steve: Did his mum think A: he was a genius? B: mental.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Some, most people go for A, but it is in fact B. She thought he was mental at the age of 28. Oh, Karl. You never let me down. You NEVER let me down. So, have you got Educating Ricky for me?

Karl: Got Educating Ricky coming up.

Ricky: You've got Rockbusters.

Karl: We've got Rockbusters.

Steve: Some great prizes as well.

Ricky: As seen and talked about in Heat.

Steve Laughs

Steve: In Heat magazine.

Karl: It's got really tough this week now. We're not messing about anymore.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Got some good prizes.

Steve: Absolutely and we'll talk about those later. Uh, cause I mean, was it last week you had the classic, was it, um, I can't remem-, I'm paraphrasing here Karl, apologies, something like I'm here in Texas. I've fallen in a puddle and my knee has got wet.

Ricky: Yeah, wet-knee Houston.

Steve: Wet-knee Houston. Whitney Houston.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And also, it was last week when there was a little bit of confunsion over, uh, the one for Holly Valence, right.

Steve: Of course.

Karl: Um...

Steve: I don't think it was confusion. I think it was your error.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No no no, it wasn't. It was...

Ricky: It was holy valence and you meant pelmet.

Karl: Ah, then...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: ...Becky who called up that time and said "Ah if, you-you get a mistaken with pelmet, right, she sent me an in a week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Sayin', "I done a bit of research."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: "It was my fault. I've mad an error."

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: "It is a valence."

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: And I know about valences as I told you last week, at very end, me Auntie loves em.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. She um...she makes em'. She started off just like putting em' on top of the, uh, sorta' window round' the curtain. And then she-she thought "Oh, I can do more with this."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: And she had a little coffe table that had magazines underneath...

Steve: Yeah

Karl: ...and she said "Oh, I'm sick o' seein' those magazines when I'm sat down."

Steve: She sounds...

Ricky Laughs

Steve: ...she sounds like a Pilkington.

Karl: So...

Ricky Continues To Laugh

Ricky: "I'm sick of seein' them magazines when I sit down."

Karl: So she put a valence round' the table...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah

Steve: So it's got valences round' everything now?

Karl: Then...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...next step. She tapes everything. She never actually watches telly, she tapes it all...

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: ...cause she gets sick of listening to the adverts and that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So she tapes everything. So she's got loads of video tapes and that and the video used to get on her nerves, when she was watcing a film she'd see the clock changing.

Steve: Oh.

Karl: ...and it'd distract her from the film so she put a valence round' that.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's genius. Yeah

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: That is really...

Steve: Or...or is it mental?

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: Only Mrs. Einstein can tell us.

Ricky: I don't know. She's even made her little, um, Jack Russell look like a hover craft.

Karl: If you stand still, that's it.

Steve: So, everything's got a valence?

Karl: It's, if you go round' and you stand still for too long the chances are that she'll put a valence round' your head.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: This the, uh, this Auntie who?

Karl: Auntie Nora.

Ricky: And this is the one who farted for five minutes.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Lest our listeners forget.

Steve: Lest we forget.

Ricky: Farted for fives minutes, called his mum saying "I'm farting." two minutes into the fart.

Karl: She said "I'm about two-and-a-half minutes in."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: She said "I'm about two-and-a-half minutes into the fart."

Karl: Well, me me mum said "How longs it been going on for?" She said "Well, it was about two-and-a-half minutes before I called you."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then it went on for a further two, two-and-a-half minutes or something.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: And uh, then it stopped. And, uh...

Ricky: She couldn't time her cause there was a valence over the clock. Cause it used to annoy her when she on the phone. It would put her off. She was guessing it was five minutes.

Steve: This was one consistent fart.

Karl: Yeah. I mean it wasn't making a noise. It was just...

Steve: Oh, it wasn't making a noise?

Karl: Just gas.

Ricky Snickers

Steve: Right, endless gas.

Karl: So, uh there you go.

Ricky: That's fantastic. Well, we started off with a new one. A little bit of Foo Fighters. We like new and old on this show, don't we.

Steve: Indeed. We like to mix it up.

Ricky: I'd like to play, this is Smiths from there debut album, um, I Don't Owe You Anything.

Song: Smiths - I Don't Owe You Anything

Can't Move For Soil

Ricky: "I Don't Owe You Anything", the lads from Karl's hometown there.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: The Smiths. Brilliant, that one. Well, I went to Manchester, didn't I, the other day? Went to Manchester for a little corporate.

Steve: What did you make of it?

Ricky: It was all right. The - he went, "Wait 'til you get out", he said, because it's better than Houston.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: It was, the - you know, it was nicer. I went outside and there was a ridiculous queue and sort of one cab.

Steve: Right, yeah.

Ricky: So ---

Steve: Horse-drawn?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And so, I walked. And it was okay, it was only down the road. A bit dark. It was wet and raining, of course.

Steve: Obviously, it's the North.

Ricky: I know, yeah. Hotel was very nice, but no mini-bar. Never seen that before. I've travelled all over the world, Steve, I've never had a hotel without a mini-bar.

Steve Snickers

Steve: No, I've never heard that.

Ricky: So, I don't know what's going on there and - I don't know what's going on there. And then I had this corporate gig in Old Trafford. The pitch was up, I don't know what they were doing. But, you know, very impressive. Big, impressive. I think they were Richard's football club, aren't they, Karl?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: You did a gig at where?

Ricky: Old Trafford. It was in a function room, there, so ---

Steve: Oh, well, I thought it was the stadium.

Ricky: No, no.

Steve: In the player hall.

Ricky: I'm not that big yet.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: No. But, I mean, you know, I can't really comment on Manchester. I do know that Liverpool was voted, "Most important music city" by a poll.

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: So - Karl, you're making noises while I'm talking.

Karl: Yeah. But you do this all the time, trying to wind me up. And I'm not saying Manchester's the best place in the world, but what I'm saying is there's bits of it that I really miss.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Like, last Sunday, right? When I met up with Ricky. We had spaghetti bolognese, which was all right.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: And then I said to him, I said, "I need some soil."

Steve: Damn, I wish you'd invited me. It sounds ---

Ricky Laughs

Steve: --- amazing.

Karl: Right? Listen. I said, "I need some soil, what do you think?"

Steve: You need some what? Soil?

Ricky: Soil, yeah.

Karl: Soil. I need to re-pot a plant, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So ---

Steve: You need to re-pot a plant?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I - oh, fair enough.

Karl: So, I'm like, "Where" - you can't see these shops in London.

Steve: Okay, yeah. You can't buy soil?

Karl: Do you know what I mean? There's nothing around.

Ricky: I took him straight to one in my street.

Karl: Yeah, but near your street and thats probably the only one in London.

Ricky: Well, you say that, Karl.

Karl: No, it does annoy me. 'Round my way it's like, you know---

Steve: You can't move for soil, sure.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Karl, there's earth, you can just pick up handfuls walking down the street.

Steve: Yeah. Incredible.

Ricky: You just ---

Steve: Just lean over into someone's front garden.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: You can take the plants as well.

Karl: No, what I'm saying is ---

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: --- Manchester, there's loads of decent hardware shops.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Here, you know, if you want a panini and a latte or whatever, you can't move for 'em. But for soil, I had to go virtually - how many miles away from me to carry out soil home and stuff?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's not got - I mean, London's all right. But if cities were sort of marked ---

Ricky: It's neglecting the peat market, really, isn't it?

Steve Snickers

Steve: Yeah. Well, there's barely - I mean, there's barely any mulch available, Rick.

Ricky: Well, I ---

Steve: In Central London.

Ricky: I'm sick and tired of not getting a good, decent compost on a Sunday.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: So ---

Steve: It sickens me.

Ricky: --- you know, I'm thinking of moving to the North.

Steve Snickers

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Where there is loads of soil and gravel.

Steve Snickers

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: And animal shite.

Steve Snickers

Karl: Well, whatever.

Ricky: Yeah. So ---

Karl: Whatever.

Steve: So, you were going to say if you were marking cities out of 10, what would you give London?

Karl: Well, if you were marking them on, like, you know, on what they have ---

Steve: Right.

Ricky: As opposed to what?

Karl: Well, as opposed to ---

Ricky: How you spell it?

Steve: The name.

Karl: Say - like, I think the greatest city in the world is Rome, right?

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: It's pretty amazing.

Steve: M'mm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Have you been?

Ricky: What - yeah. Why do you think that, though?

Karl: Just because, like, you turn a corner and there's something there that's really old. Right?

Ricky Snickers

Steve: Right.

Karl: Like---

Steve and Ricky snicker.

Karl: --- you're going down a normal street---

Ricky: Go and stay in a Darby and Joan club.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, no, no. But it's like you're going down the road and then you turn a corner and, like, the Colosseum's in the middle of a - like, a busy road.

Ricky: M'mm.

Karl: It's like, what's that doing there?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And just when you think there's no more, you turn another corner and ---

Ricky: It's almost as if that was there first.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well ---

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, do you know what I mean? London ---

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --- what have we got? You know, Trafalgar Square's world - sort of world known. And you go there, and what's there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know what I mean? So, there's a lot of space there. Get one big B&Q ---

Steve: In Trafalgar Square?

Karl: --- to cater for the whole of the people who live, sort of, Central London-ish.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: And then I'd be happy. But what I'm saying is ---

Ricky: What, with Nelson just popping up through the middle?

Steve snickers

Ricky: 'Cause you could still see it, couldn't you?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: It's a great idea.

Ricky: B&Q - that - so, B&Q could be, like, the whole sort of flat thing and they make it sort of grey so it looked like rock and then Nelson popping up ---

Steve: Make it classy is what you're saying.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stone clad it.

Steve: Yeah.

Steve Snickers

Ricky: So it looks like you've made an effort.

Steve: Exactly.

Steve Snickers

Ricky: And then you can pop in and then you can go out and go, "Oh look, Nelson's Column. Oh, look, it's Nelson - oh, look at that. The victory. Oh, the feat, that's fantastic. One of the greatest living" ---

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: "I need some nails."

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah. Perfect. Killing two birds with one stone, you're saying.

Karl: But why don't - why isn't there more than - more than them shops? Because when I went in to yours, every time I've been in there, I've been in there twice now. The first time was to get a shower head. Right?

Ricky Snickers

Steve: Right.

Karl: And I went in there, couldn't resist buying something else and I ended up getting some super glue as well.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Why?

Karl: Right?

Steve: Hey, big spender.

Karl: And then ---

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --- last Sunday we went in there, got two bags of soil. Not one, I bought two.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: And I bought some scissors to cut plants with.

Ricky: Secateurs.

Karl: Scissors.

Steve: Well, you don't - you never know when you want - you know, you might need more soil, I suppose.

Ricky: M'mm.

Karl: Well, I've got ---

Steve: You're (?) up now. Where do you keep it, under your bed?

Ricky: Sorry, this isn't going out, is it, this conversation? It's not going out on air?

Steve: I got a feeling it might be.

Ricky: You're joking. We better play a record.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Play a classic.

Song: The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So

The Hat-He-Chewed

Ricky: Hives, "Hate to Say I Told You So" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl "Genius" Pilkington.

Steve snickers

Steve: Absolutely. I was watching a bit of TV ---

Ricky: Karl "The Brain" Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah. The Brain. Brains. Yeah. I was watching a bit of TV last night, Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: And I had a little thought ---

Ricky: Children in Need?

Steve: No, well, I didn't watch Children in Need.

Ricky: Oh, it was a treat.

Steve: I was watching something - I think it was last night, it was a bit earlier, I had a little thought for lads that might be out tonight, you know, on the raz.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Maybe they get a little bit of success with the ladies.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: This was something that struck me as I was watching it. A lot of gentlemen, you know, when they're engaged in, you know, an act of, you know, relations with a lady ---

Ricky: M'mm.

Steve: --- they like to sort of, you know, think of an image or something that will prevent them from, you know, *whistles*. And you get - you catch my drift. We're men in the world.

Ricky: Grandmother's funeral is the cliche isn't it?

Steve snickers

Steve: Exactly. And I tell you what I think it should be? Rik Waller jogging.

Ricky snickers.

Steve: I was watching Fit Club

Ricky: I know.

Steve: I have never seen ---

Ricky: I'm ---

Steve: --- anything like it, Rick.

Ricky: I like it when Harvey lost it with him.

Steve: Oh, man alive. I mean, I know I slag him off, but I do - I don't really like him either. I just think he comes across appallingly. And I think, you know ---

Ricky: When he just walked away when that - in that - mid-conversation talking to that bloke. They're doing it for his good, really.

Steve: I know. But he's - how - he's, like, 31 stone?

Ricky: I think he lost a bit. I think he's 29 now. Don't exaggerate, Steve.

Steve snickers

Ricky: You make him sound like a fat ---

Steve: But, you know - I mean, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, that was close, wasn't it?

Steve: When having sex, you know, apparently thinking of Rik Waller helps.

Ricky: Oh. Oh, don't - look what's happened.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That's the reverse effect.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, no, me and Karl ---

Steve: No, no, if you're with a lady, if you're with a lady ---

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --- apparently that works.

Ricky: I know he's out now, isn't he? He's out.

Steve: He's - did he walk out?

Ricky: I think so. I think that's it, from what I can ---

Karl: No, no. I think next week, they kick him out 'cause I read something about he - they get rid of him next week 'cause of his attitude. And the first time I read it, I thought he'd actually ate someone's hat.

Ricky laughs

Karl: But was ---

Steve: You lost me there.

Ricky: Got rid of him 'cause of the "hat-he-chewed". Oh ---

Steve: Everything you think of now is puns.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You can't get puns out of your head, can you?

Ricky: Oh, Karl, you're great. Look at his little face.

Steve: He's so pleased.

Ricky: That is good.

Steve: How long have you been working on that? How long have you been working on ---

Ricky: You've gotta love - you've gotta give him that. That is a real joke.

Steve: No, that is - no, it is.

Ricky: Look at his face. He knew it was funny, it was meant to be funny, he said it to be funny. And it was. Well done.

Steve: I ---

Ricky: Well done.

Steve: I'm just interested, I just wanna dissect it 'cause it was brilliant and I'm wondering how long have you been working on it?

Karl: About two weeks.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, no, it's good stuff. It was worth the wait.

Karl: Can I go home now?

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, well done.

Steve: The hat he chewed. Attitude.

Ricky: I don't think - there's only one band that can top that, another band from Manchester, Oasis.

Steve: Oh.

As Featured In

Ricky: The Vines, "Miss Jackson" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Right. Getting towards that time where Karl really kicks into action. We got the quiz. We got Rockbusters, the quiz that's a bit like Blockbusters, but mainly around music. Yeah, and a pun ---

Steve: It's a ---

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: --- based in wordplay by Karl. You know how good he is at that.

Steve: Can I tell you what the prizes are this week? 'Cause they're worth playing for.

Ricky: Please do.

Steve: Okay. We got on DVD the Manic Street Preacher's Greatest Hits on DVD. The videos, I'm assuming. The film, "Human Traffic", it's a remixed DVD version of that. I think we were giving this away last week, you've obviously got a bulk stock of these, Groove Armada's "Lovebox", an album from them. "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World Ever", that's got the likes of Queen, Adams, Palmer, Leopard, Idle ---

Ricky: Aerosmith?

Steve: I don't see Aerosmith.

Ricky: I think The Smiths should be on there.

Steve: We got Purple, Wolf, Cooper, Top.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Quo and 'back, Nickelback.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Now, there was another - there was another one around here, actually. I think we've lost one of the prizes, Karl. Oh, here we are.

Karl: Here it is

Steve: Yeah, this is - you may have seen this advertised on TV, "The Best Bands Ever" album. And just imagine who this is aimed at. It's got Oasis on there, Nickelback, Coldplay, da, da, da, The Dandy Warhols, "Bohemian Like You" (as featured in the Vodafone TV ads).

Ricky laughs

Steve: They've also got Smash Mouth, "Walkin' On The Sun" as featured in the Ford Fiesta TV ads.

Ricky: It's for people who didn't know they liked indie.

Steve: Exactly. Exactly.

Ricky: They go, 'I don't like indie." "But you do, did you like this advert?"

Steve laughs

Ricky: "Yeah."

Steve: "I love it."

Ricky: "Do you like this advert?", "Yeah." "Well, you like indie then." "I do! I love indie!"

Steve: "I can't believe it!"

Ricky: "That's great."

Steve: Yeah. The Mock Turtles, "Can You Dig It?", as featured in the Vodafone TV ads.

Ricky: "I really like indie."

Steve: "Do you love the T-Mobile TV ad?"

Ricky: "Yeah."

Steve: "You'll love this, it's got Royksopp on there, which is featured in that."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: So, that's an album for people who don't like music.

Ricky: That's great. That's coming up, Rockbusters.

Steve: And I'll tell you what - but I also have a movie, 'cause you know last week I gave away "Executive Decision".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was on TV last night.

Ricky: Yes.

Steve: For those who didn't receive my copy.

Ricky: But were they - probably watched it before it was on TV.

Steve laughs

Steve: And indeed - yeah.

Ricky: Few days before.

Steve: I was clearing out, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Last night, I found another one which might be - just to entice people.

Ricky: Go on. What is it?

Steve: Coming right out, here.

Ricky: It's coming out the bag.

Steve: "The Pelican Brief."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Another arbitrary film choice on VHS.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Pelican Brief. Roberts, Washington. You know it's there ---

Ricky: Get it now on VHS.

Steve: --- in Choices within 6.99.

Ricky: Before there are no more VHS' around.

Steve: It's 6.99, I'm giving that away as well, Pelican Brief

Ricky: That's great, and that's his personal collection. That ---

Steve: That's from my personal collection.

Ricky: Did you see that picture Karl brought in?

Steve: I don't think it's even rewound from when I watched it.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: No, it's not. You can rewind that yourself.

Ricky: Brilliant. That's a little touch of Steve Merchant there.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Did you see that picture that he brought in?

Steve: I'd have, actually. Can I see it again, Karl? Yeah, it's just a picture of - this is - you carry it with you, do you, when you're walking outside?

Karl: No, no.

Ricky: No, no. He found it, right?

Karl: Last week, I was sorting - 'cause I'm moving, I'm sorting all me files out and that.

Ricky snickers

Karl: And because this is the only school picture I've got ---

Ricky: He had one school picture taken, when he was - what is that, 10 in 1981?

Karl: Oh, I was about 8 in - 8, around there.

Ricky: 8 and that? Okay. Tell the story. Why is that the only school picture they've taken?

Karl: Just because - no, I had them all - I was always had them taken, right? But me dad thought they were overpriced for what you get.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky snickers

Karl: 'Cause really, it's a - they're - they're sort of - the whole idea of a good picture is, like, not only the person that's in it, but, like, the surroundings.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, like, if you're on holiday, you'll look at me and you'll go, "Oh, yeah, you're looking well there. What's that hill in the background?" Or something like that.

Steve: M'mm, m'mm.

Ricky snickers

Karl: Whereas with that ---

Ricky: "That's Rik Waller catching up."

Steve laughs

Ricky laughs

Karl: ---But on that - but all you get on these schools pictures is, like, a blue background, innit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, he was like, "I'm not paying for that."

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And it was a big one, you get a bigger one than that. But that's just, like, a little passport size, innit?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: That was £1.60

Ricky laughs

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And he wasn't really happy paying that, 'cause he said you could get, like, some done from Truprint for a lot cheaper.

Steve: So, he could take it himself?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So ---

Ricky: And so did he tell you at the time that was the last time he was paying for a school picture?

Karl: He said, "I'll get you one because it's good to have a picture of you at school."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: 'Cause I hardly ever went and all that.

Steve: M'mm.

Karl: So it was like ---

Ricky laughs

Ricky: "What's that in the background?" "That's my school, Dad." "Oh, I didn't" ---

Steve: "I don't recognise this."

Ricky laughs

Steve: "You got any interesting stories about it?" "Not really."

Ricky laughs

Karl: So, I was a good looking kid though, wasn't I?

Steve: You - what were you doing with your mouth though, Karl? It looks like you're sort of - it looks like - a bit like you're a ventriloquist dummy.

Karl: What do you mean?

Steve: Well, it looks like you - you're sort of scrunching your mouth up or pursing your lips or something. Do you not ---

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: I mean, now you've got, dare I say it, very kissable lips.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But in here, look how thin they are. Look at those, you know, thin lips. It's like you ---

Karl: I'm smiling.

Steve: That's a smile?

Ricky: Oh, that's what - I didn't recognise that either.

Steve: No, I didn't recognise that as a smile.

Karl: It's a smile.

Ricky: Oh, is that what you look like when you smile?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: And what's happening with the hair? 'Cause obviously ---

Ricky: Had your dad seen you smile before then?

Karl: Well, I think that's why he wanted to buy one as well. That's like so he can remember what it was like.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: 'Cause I don't smile.

Ricky: When did you stop smiling? When did you - when was the last time you had fun or you were sort of, like, happy-go-lucky? When can you remember when you had no weight of the world on your shoulders?

Karl: I often think that, 'cause I don't sleep like I did, like, when I was a kid. I had really good sleeps and now, I don't.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So, I think once you lose ---

Steve: But you've got a lot of things on your mind? You know, "Where can I buy soil?"

Ricky: Yeah, "How can I confuse a computer by tapping in 'Why?' in the search engine?"

Karl: Probably when I was 14, I was stress-free.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Were you?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: When was the paper round?

Karl: Probably when I was 15.

Ricky: Right. So, that's when it started, was it?

Karl: I reckon, that's when I started getting stressed.

Steve: M'mm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'm just looking at the haircut you've got in the - 'cause obviously I've not seen you before with hair and it's an interesting mop. Did you - do you have that done at the barber's?

Karl: No, me mum - mum used to do it.

Steve: She cut that?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right, did she ---

Karl: She used to, yeah. What she used to do ---

Ricky snickers

Karl: --- you can't see it in that picture, but there was one where she did a bit of a mess of it. I mean, it looks quite ---

Steve: Right, I can tell from this picture.

Ricky laughs

Karl: No, no, no, no, but that's one of the better ones.

Steve: Oh, really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. Were you bullied much?

Ricky laughs

Steve laughs

Karl: On one of them, she used to, like, use a bit of newspaper ---

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: --- in front of me eyes so she didn't, like, stick the scissors in me eyes.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well, newspaper stops scissors every time.

Steve: Yeah, 'cause they - I think they use that for bulletproof vests.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, the tough fabric of a reconstituted newspaper will stop the scissor any time.

Steve: No, definitely. I remember it - 'cause I know a lot of UN guides ---

Ricky snickers

Steve: --- when they're on patrol, they use some old copies of The Sun.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: They put it in their pockets.

Steve: Yeah, The Daily Star.

Ricky: Sorry, yeah, okay, yeah.

Karl: So, she used to always be on a Sunday night when, like, Songs of Praise is on or something, right?

Steve: Right.

Karl: Nothing's on the telly.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Just before Last of the Summer Wine or something. And she used to get the ---

Ricky: What a depressing time that was.

Karl: It was.

Ricky: Having your hair cut and listening to Songs of Praise waiting for Last of the Summer Wine. I always used to get depressed on Sunday nights.

Steve: Well, I tell you what ---

Ricky: And it wasn't 'cause school was the next morning, it was because the telly was so shite.

Steve: I think it was because school was the next morning 'cause Antiques Roadshow still does that for me. I see the Antiques Roadshow, I love it, but I'm just thinking, "Oh, I gotta go to school." Or work tomorrow.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: The Roadshow, I wish they put it on the weekend.

Ricky: But I know, I've never really had that - when I worked, I suppose - I work now, don't I?

Ricky snickers

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Oh, no. Oh, what a giveaway.

Steve: Not really.

Ricky: What a giveaway.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So, you were telling us a story about ---

Karl: But yeah. So, anyway, she used to get the newspaper.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And she'd stick it in front of me eyes and ---

Ricky snickers

Ricky: "What does that say?" Go on.

Karl snickers

Karl: So, she'd ---

Steve: You inherited a lot from your mum, didn't you?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: So, she'd cut me fringe, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But then she'd go, "Oh, it's not straight. It's not very good." So, she'd go again and she'd keep going and the problem is ---

Steve: Is that why you're bald now?

Ricky: I was going to say.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Is this - you have got hair, but she has to get it right.

Karl: No, no. Yeah.

Ricky: It takes her to the back of your neck to get it even.

Karl: So, she sort of removed the newspaper and she was like, "Oh, God." And I said, "What?" and she goes, "Oh, I'm sorry." And like ---

Ricky snickers

Ricky: What, did this happen every Sunday?

Karl: Not ---

Steve: Can I ask you, Karl, when she was cutting your hair in this picture, what - do you think she was, maybe, sidetracked by an interesting article in the paper?

Ricky laughs

Steve: And really wasn't paying attention to what she's doing?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Or did her favourite hymn come on?

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And she started singing ---

Steve: Or compo was rolling down the hill ---

Ricky laughs

Ricky: In a bar.

Steve laughs

Ricky laughs

Karl: So, yeah, I ended up with, like, you know, a fringe sort of on the back of me head 'cause she just kept going further and further.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But - so ---

Ricky: When did you start going to that barber that was on the railway station?

Karl: Must've - that's when I started work. So, you know, sort of 16, 17.

Ricky: And is he the one that said you have the hair of a Chinaman?

Karl: He's the one that - yeah.

Ricky: He sounds like a wise man.

Karl: And ---

Steve: Can I just stop - I think maybe we should play a tune. But maybe you can bring in some photos next week, Rick, and we can talk about them on the radio.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. And I'm just gonna do a card trick. Right, take a card.

Steve laughs

Song: Belle and Sebastian – The Boy with the Arab Strap - STARTS

Ricky: Any card, yeah? Right, look at it.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Is that your card?

Steve: That's mine.

Song: Belle and Sebastian – The Boy with the Arab Strap - ENDS

Steve: 'The Boy With The Arab Stap', er, Belle and Sebastian. Coming next, 'Educating Ricky'.

Five Minutes Mr. Mus

Ricky: U2. ‘Electrical Storm.’ Steve, am I mental or have we been playing some great tunes today?

Steve: We've been playing some great tunes you're not mental. You’re a genius.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9 Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl Pilkington in the chair now; the talked about, the acclaimed, ‘Educating Ricky.’

Karl: Right well just in-case anyone’s new, doesn't normally listen, basically I'm educating Ricky. Er, I do a bit of research during the week, find stuff, er, news, history, anything that’s interesting. Um, three stories, I give him the nice little headline, you take your pick. Between now and three you gonna learn three things, yeah?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, um, the headlines are "Albino Buying One Of Them"…

Ricky and Steve snigger

Steve: Give us that again.

Karl: "Albino Buying One Of Them".

Steve: Nice, ok.

Karl: Yeah? Er, We've also got, uh, "Hippapota-nuse"…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Ok! Ok.

Karl: And “Chicken You Believe It?”

Steve: “Chicken You Believe It.” Well it’s your choice, Rick.

Ricky: Well I’ll go for “Hippapota-nuse.”

Karl: "Hippapota-nuse"?

Steve: "Hippapota-nuse."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, well this one it’s, er, I’m not going to take the credit here. I did hear Christian talk about this on breakfast, right, ‘cos it’s a good, good, ah, good story that happened. Um, basically, I don’t know if I told you about it last week when we were having our spaghetti, but, erm…

Ricky: I think you did! I know what it is!

Karl: Right, there’s this…

Ricky: I know what this is!

Ricky starts laughing

Steve: Ok, I’ve not heard this.

Karl: Right, there’s a little midget, right, there’s a circus…

Steve: I’m loving it already.

Karl: …circus going on somewhere, I think it was in America and, erm…

Steve: Was that the present day or old times?

Karl: I’m talking like in the last three weeks.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Right? Er, little midget, er, circus, really packed out show, people are lovin’ it. Erm….

Ricky is still laughing away

Ricky: Right, Steve, you’ll ask the same question I did I know.

Karl: So, erm, so this little, little midget jumping up and down on a trampoline.

Ricky keeps on laughing

Ricky: What sort of circus is this!

Steve: I’d pay good money to see it!

Karl: So, so everyone’s clapping and he’s getting carried away, erm...

Ricky laughs louder

Ricky: ’Cos he can’t believe his luck, he can’t believe they’re loving it! “I didn’t know they’d like a little person on a trampoline, but they love me.”

Karl: But you know what it’s like when, er, if there’s a crowd of people sort of encouraging you to, sort of, go higher and stuff…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …and I’m sure he knew it was getting out of hand…

Ricky sniggers

Karl: …but he was jumping and he was coming down and they’re all going “Higher!” and he’s going really high in the air, right, so he’s doing this, crowd are clapping . There’s a hippo just sat next to the trampoline waiting to come on and do his act…

Steve: Oh, right, I thought he was in the audience.

Karl chuckles a little

Karl: No no no..

Ricky: His intro…getting ready to do his act, Steve…!

Karl: So, so he’s...

Steve: He’s a ventriloquist.

Ricky laughs

Steve chuckles away

Ricky: What do you mean he’s sitting by the trampoline waiting to do his act?

Karl: Because it says...

Ricky: Why didn’t he sit in the dressing room and they go *knock knock* “Five minutes Mr Mus. Five minutes Mr Mus.”

Karl: So anyway, right, so the hippo’s there, er....

Steve: He’s getting annoyed is he ‘cos this, ‘cos the midget’s eating into his time.

Ricky: He’s going “How can I follow this? How can I – this is really annoying. They’re gonna be – ohhh no.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, so…

Steve: He’s thinking “He’s already done the trampoline! My pogo stick act is never gonna work!”

Ricky keeps on laughing

Ricky: Yeah, go on, so there’s a hippo waiting – this, see this is a great story and I just know he embellishes it or gets slightly wrong. Go on.

Karl: So…

Steve: So there’s a midget jumping up and down...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …the hippo’s getting annoyed…

Ricky: The crowd are going mad….

Karl: The crowd are going mental.

Ricky: …the midget’s loving it. Can’t believe his luck, although we think – YOU think – he probably knows he’s dicing with danger.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So. Next thing you know, they’re all saying “Higher, higher!”, he gives it one big, like, heavy sort of landing on the trampoline, goes really high, but goes off at a funny angle – hypotenuse…

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Yeah? Erm, and sort of flies off…

Ricky and Steve start giggling

Ricky: Hypotenuse! Hypotenuse!

Steve: Sure.

Karl: …flies off at a funny angle…

Steve: Oh dear.

Karl: …hippo’s there. Swallows him whole. Crowd are clapping thinking “That’s why the hippo wa waiting there.”

Ricky: Rubbish.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Rubbish.

Karl: It’s not rubbish though.

Ricky: No, maybe there was an accident in a, er, a circus with a midget and a hippo, but at no point was this hippo waiting to go on going “Come on,” the midget flew off at a hypotenuse and landed in the hippo’s mouth and was swallowed whole. This is, this is what you embellish. That is great. And what’s that...

Steve: I have to say though, Rick, when I heard midget, trampoline, hippopotamus I was thinking accident waiting to happen.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …maybe? I mean…

Ricky: It is, that, that, that, you should never put those three together.

Steve: Never!

Ricky: It’s a recipe for disaster, everyone knows that.

Steve: It’s textbook.

Ricky: Midget, trampoline, hippopotamus, are you mental?

Steve: You’re asking for trouble!

Karl: Well…

Ricky: You know, when he told me it, he said “…and the midget…” he didn’t mention the hippopotamus, and he said “…the midget went high, right, soon he fell off and the hippo ate him.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: And I said “Sorry, what was the hippo doing there?” and he went “It’s a circus.”

Steve laughs

Steve: I’ve never heard of a circus having a hippo.

Ricky: No! What do hippos do?

Steve: What do they – you can’t train them, can you?

Ricky: What do you, what do you…

Steve: Aren’t they like very deadly? They’re huge aren’t they?

Ricky: Yeah, you can’t have a hippo in a circus.

Karl: Are you sure?

Ricky: You’re not thinking of Zippo?

Steve: Isn’t he the clown?

Ricky: Yeah. D’you – no, you know, it wasn’t, it wasn’t, it wasn’t some sort of where Zippo was eating a midget and it’s some horrible sexual act?

Karl: No I heard it on Breakfast, right, and it definitely…

Ricky: Oh, ok sorry.

Steve: No, definitely fact. Definitely truth.

Ricky: Yep, ok. Yep, ok, good. Erm, well let’s play a record then…

Karl sighs

Ricky: …um, I’d like to play a classic Springsteen , we’re all fans of Springsteen here, this might be his debut album, I’m not sure, ‘Greetings from Asbury Park…’

Steve: I think it is, yeah.

Ricky: …um, ‘New Jersey’, um, and this is ‘Growing Up’. It’s great. It’s a classic.

Song: Bruce Springsteen – Growing Up

Karl: Right. Is that it…?

Rockbusters

Ricky: Springsteen and ‘Growing Up’ off of, er, Asbury Park album.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Ain’t that great. Don’t it make you feel good, Springsteen, don’t he.

Steve: Oh he’s a joy. He’s an absolute joy. Er, ‘Rockbusters’, Rick, nearly time for that, what they’re all tuning in for.

Ricky: Well, this is, well this is what they’re all reading and writing about.

Steve: Absolutley. Before you get the clues, let me just remind you of the prizes you’re playing for. We got the Manic Street Preachers Greatest Hits on DVD. We’ve got the film ‘Human Traffic’ on DVD. Er, we’ve got ‘The Best Air Guitar Album 2’, er, on CD. Er, Groove Armada’s…is this their current album?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: I guess it’s not selling very well, they’re still trying to promote that. You can have that as well. If you are a fan of the Ford Fiesta TV ad, of the Vodafone TV adverts you will love…

Ricky: You will love ‘You Didn’t Think You Liked Indie? Well You Do!’

Steve: Exactly, and that’s got, er, Feeder and Travis and Badly Drawn Boy and allsorts on there. Plus my own copy, £6.99 it cost me, er, ‘The Pelican Brief’ starring Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington. If you’ve not seen that panned and scanned on VHS.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Er, so what are the clues?

Ricky: Right. ‘Rockbusters’.

Karl: Do you know that a pelican, I read the other day, that is has to turn its head upside down to eat.

Silence

Steve: Give us the clues.

Karl: So, ‘Rockbusters’…

Ricky: Well, let me just explain. A bird, a bird has a gullet, an oesophagus and a gullet, sort of all in one thing. It hasn’t got peristalsis which is the movement that we have that can make food, er, so a bird has to, can only rely on gravity…

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: …so. It, it has to have its head up and has to shake. It can’t eat…

Steve: You were gonna say that weren’t you Karl?

Karl: Yep.

Steve sniggers

Karl: So ‘Rockbusters’, erm, you mentioned it earlier, one of last weeks was, it’s a cryptic clue and some initials. I was in Texas, I fell in a puddle on me knees, knees got wet. Er, WH. Wet knee Houston.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That’s the sort of thing we…

Ricky: Use of the word knee twice there in the cryptic clue and in the final answer.

Steve: And the word wet you’ll find.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah. Which is wit.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: So, fine. Good.

Karl: So, er, there’s three of ‘em, it’s e-mail only [email protected]...

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: …load of stuff to win, here we go. Right, the first one.

Ricky: I’m writing these down, go on.

Steve: Make a note of ‘em.

Karl: Erm, ‘The fella has only got one badge left.’

Steve chortles

Steve: ’The fella has only got one badge left.’

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: What are the initials?

Karl: That’s just E.

Steve: Just E and…ooh, just E.

Karl: Just E. ‘The fella has only got one badge left.’

Steve: This is either a solo artist or a band.

Karl: Yep. Erm, second one. ‘The unmarried lady is a friend I eat out with.’

Steve: Say that again?

Karl: ‘The unmarried lady is a friend I eat out with.’

Steve: ‘The unmarried lady is a friend I eat out with.’

Karl: Yep. M…

Steve: What’s the initial?

Karl: MD.

Steve: MD.

Karl: MD. And finally, ‘I really, reall –‘, er, ‘I really, really love that woman. I love everything she does.’ That’s M. Now I think there’s…

Steve: Give us that one again.

Karl: ‘I really, really love that woman. I love everything she does.’ Alright?

Steve: And that’s…?

Karl: M.

Ricky: I know, I’ve got that one.

Karl: Right, so…

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: That’s great. It’s great. That’s lovely.

Karl: So, er…

Ricky: That’s great.

Karl: I think, I think the second and third one’s quite easy, first one is a killer.

Steve: Is it tricky?

Karl: Yep, it’s a tricky one. So, er, [email protected] and, what, we pick a winner out at about quarter to two or something like that?

Steve: Quarter to two, yeah, absolutely.

Karl: No, quarter to three, what am I talking about.

Steve: Quarter to three.

Karl: Yeah, so, er, so there you go.

Steve: That’s dynamite stuff, well done Karl. More ‘Educating Ricky’ next?

Karl: Yeah.

Song: Beck – Lost Cause