01 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 01 March 2003 'Best of' episode, from Xfm Series 2.

For The Last Thirty Years They've Been Waiting To Die

Song: Eminem - Sing For the Moment

Ricky: Well, here we are again. Xfm on a Saturday, just gone one o'clock Steve, if I'm very much mistaken, but we're not here, as such, we're away again, gallivanting around, erm, we've gotta do a special sort of 'Best of' again.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Which we did a few weeks ago, so this is the best of the last three weeks...

Steve laughs

Ricky: Which I think is, I mean I think it's the best three weeks we've ever had. But I'd like it condensed into two hours.

Steve: Yeah, some great music as well in there?

Ricky: Yeah, there'll be some great music, interspersed with fine chat, that you've already heard.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Except this bit, this bit's new. We've actually, out of the kindness of our heart, we've come in, erm, we've come in last week.

Steve: Yep... yep.

Ricky: ...and we've done a few clips. Just cos we felt a bit guilty about shooting off and leaving...

Steve: I mean even now, having heard this link, I'm beginning to wonder if it was worth our time.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Classic link: When I Was About Seven I Enjoyed It

Song: Athlete - You've Got the Style

Bin Lid On The Head, He Wanted To Do That Again

Song: Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, we're not here. Erm this next clip is one of my favourite clips, look, it needs no introduction, here it is.

Classic link: You've Given Him An Inch And He's Taken A Yard

His Centre Parting's Always Really Neat

Song:The Cardigans - For What It's Worth

Steve: Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais show with Steve Merchant, hello there, and we're not here this week, we're off jetting around the world, so we've pre-recorded these links, the time is currently somewhere between 1 and 3 o'clock.

Ricky: So, a timecheck there from Steve Merchant.

Steve: No problem.

Ricky: Yeah and oh, what- what about this weather, isn't it warm – stroke – edit that Karl – cold, okay, whichever one.

Steve: I'm pleased to see that the congestion charge has had some considerable effect/had no effect.

Ricky: Yeah so just you know, erm, oh wasn't that great on the telly last night, the film...

Steve: I particularly enjoyed last night's Eastenders/Coronation Street/Brookside.

Ricky: Okay...

They giggle.

Song: Guns 'n' Roses - Sweet Child O'Mine

Classic link: OK, Stop Eating Karl, You've Ate All The Food, That's The Plate

Steve: Ho, ho, ho, that was great. That was very, very funny indeed.

Ricky: What a wonderful clip that was.

Steve: I enjoyed it.

Ricky: Do you remember that?

Steve: I...yeah...

Ricky: Yeah, well...few weeks ago weren't it really, I mean...

Steve: I think it was last week.

Ricky: We'd have to have very, very bad memories, not to remember that hilarious clip, I'd like to hear that again maybe in a couple weeks time when I'm away.

Steve: Yes, absolutely.

Ricky: This is embarrassing isn't it. I mean, you know... but then you know the good thing is, on telly I feel a bit guilty about putting out shoddy rubbish cos I'm getting paid an awful lot.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: But, here, you know, I don't, I don't give a sh*t. They can bleep that.

Steve: They will do, they will do.

Song: White Stripes - Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground

What's A Congress Tart

Song: David Bowie – Lady Stardust

Classic link: The Doctor Said I Was Gonna Die

Song: Doves - Caught By The River

They Can Hold Their Breath For Forty Minutes

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Steve: That is a blinding record and before that Rick, what did you make of those adverts, they were great weren't they...

Ricky: I like them, yeah, I'm gonna buy all them products on the way home.

Steve: ...and that's endorsed by Ricky Gervais. He's won awards. Rick, d'you remember this, this was a hilarious moment.

Ricky: No.

Steve: No you'll remember this, when you hear it.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: It was when Karl said something that was basically, well, I think for a lot of people, it sounded like a lot of old bollocks.

Ricky laughs.

Classic link: Mad World Though, Innit!

Song: The Cure - I Will Always Love You

Put It In A Bowl First

Song: Missy Elliot - Gossip Folks (Fat Boy Slim Radio Edit)

Ricky: If you've just tuned in, it's Xfm 104.9, you've got that bit right, it's the Ricky Gervais Show, with me Stephen Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl is actually in a little booth, we're not in the studio you see, this is pre-recorded, we recorded this last week, cos we're away, and this is sort of like the 'best of', best of the last three weeks, since last time we were away when we put out the 'best of'...

Classic link: The Old Man And The Twix

Song: Radiohead - Just

I Kept Chucking A Stone In The Air

Song: Eels - Going over to Susan's House

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, we're not here.

Steve: It is a bit like being Dennis Norden. Playing some great, great, err, great moments from the show.

Ricky: I just imagine Dennis Norden one day, sort of, just waking up out of his stupor, and doing, and he'll go into the producer, and go “I've just seen a couple of my programmes...”

Steve: “I just saw It'll be Alright on the Night 18.”

Ricky: “It's sh*t.”

Steve: 'It is terrible.'

Ricky: “Why didn't someone tell me?” 'Well we didn't wanna upset you cos, because, er, you know...' “but I've been doing it way too long! Where you just gonna let me go on forever?” 'Well, until you died, yeah.' “Well, why can't my son take over?” 'Well, he's 80 Dennis.'

Steve: “And the jokes I'm doing they're awful.”

Ricky: “They're just... why have I got that clipboard?”

Steve: “I've written these jokes, they're not funny, there's an audience, they're laughing, what are they laughing at?”

Ricky: 'They're not laughing, they're... not laughing, that's canned laughter.'

Steve: “Who are those audiences? Who goes to an audience for 'It'll be Alright on the Night'?”

Ricky: 'A lot of 'em are older than you!'

Steve: “It can't be right.”

Ricky: 'You know we have 15% fatality in one of your audiences.'

Steve: “But I went home at Christmas, I watched one of the episodes, with my family and friends, I said 'watch this you'll love it', stony faced, no-one laughed, they all thought it was sh*t.”

Ricky: 'Well, it is sh*t.'

Steve: Well why didn't you tell me earlier.

Ricky: We didn't wanna hurt your feelings, you're an old man. You may be upward of 102.

Steve: I didn't realise.

Ricky: Yeah.

Classic link: Chuckin' a Stone in the Air

Song: ?

Bogged Down In Office Politics

Ricky: This is Xfm 104.9, with me Stephen Merchant.

Steve: Hello.

Ricky: You're listening to the best of, basically, Karl Pilkington.

Sound effect of a tape loading

Classic link: Brains In A Bag Curry Microwave Head Story

Song: Cat Stevens - Lilywhite