07 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Office Olympics

Song: Coldplay - In My Place

Ricky: Coldplay and “In My Place” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there. Lovely to be here.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington there, pressing the buttons.

Steve: Great to be here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How long can you maintain it?

Ricky: I’m bored already.

Steve: Yeah, already bored of doing it.

Ricky: Bored already!

Steve: Every week you start it the same way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was not bad, though. You, actually, grammatically made sense, which is--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Thanks very much.

Steve: A rare treat, indeed, for Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah. Um… some of the, uh, listeners have already worked out I’ve got nothing to say at all.

Steve laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Haven’t prepared again.

Steve: No.

Ricky: We were- we did come in a half hour early to prepare, but, instead, me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You had five goes each or the world was going to end.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And that- that took up--

Steve: That took up a good twenty-five minutes.

Ricky: Yeah. I liked it when we came back and then we started just trying to beat each other in the corridor and I beat him. I scored a goal and he was gutted cause he thought he fancied himself a footballer and I beat him. Um, and I was knackered and sweating.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and, uh, as I walked back to you about five minutes ago, you were looking through the records, you went, and this was lovely, you went, “Well, we've done the preparation, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like a sarcastic teacher.

Steve: Yeah. Like a teenager, like an annoyed teenager whose parents have embarrassed him once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You beat Karl, did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause you’re not- I mean, you’re not particularly--

Ricky: I’m not good at football, no.

Steve: Well, you’re not particularly nimble on your feet.

Ricky: Oh, c’mon.

Steve: No, you’re not. Douglas Bader is, um, more nimble.

Ricky: I’m alright, I’m alright. But it- Karl’s, sort of, I think has got more skills than me, but he hasn’t got the aggression and the weight.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So I just pushed him aside.

Steve: Yeah, good work.

Ricky: Yeah. I’m going on holiday.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: Yeah, I’m not here next week. What are you going to do, Karl? Are you going to do the best of or something next week, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s what we got to sort out.

Ricky: Well, we can’t sort it out. I’ve literally- I’ve got to get to the airport after this.

Karl: No, no, straight after this show you’ve got to do some links.

Ricky: No, I’m not doing any links! I said I wouldn’t, so…

Karl: That’s what we planned!

Ricky: No we didn’t. I said I’d do some during the show and then you--

Karl: I thought you were joking!

Ricky: I-I-I honestly can’t do it today, so we’ll do some during the show. What are you going to do, just put the shows that we’ve done this year?

Steve: Sorry guys, uh, hate to interrupt. This is the sort of stuff we should have been discussing when you were playing football.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. Play a reco- what are you going to- play, play a record.

Steve: Let’s have a little bit of Foo Fighters.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Let’s just discuss this off air.

Ricky: Okay.

Song: Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly

Going on Holiday With Ricky Gervais

Ricky: Foo Fighters, there. “Learning to Fly.” Steve, I hope the pilot that I get today flying the plane that I'm going on holiday in has already learnt to fly.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh ho ho! Well done. That is dynamite. That’s text--that’s a textbook link.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: That’s genius. Oh, very good. Where are you going? Wha-what’s the story? Where are you off to?

Ricky: Uh, Sorrento.

Steve: Where’s that?

Ricky: Uh, sort of, South Italy.

Steve: Italy?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What are you like on holiday? Are you a nightmare? Are you the, like--

Ricky: No. Why would you--

Steve: Cause you’re quite- but you’re quite, I mean, obviously I, you know, I’ve often said on the radio before, that I- I mean, spending any length of time with you is-is one of the most unbearable things I’ve ever had to do.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I mean, spending a week with you is nightmarish. And sharing any kind of accommodation is, do you know what I mean? No seriously, it’s like, it’s like hell.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s like a living hell. It’s like having a teenager, it’s like having a, sort of, teenage kid who can’t, can’t be entertained by anything.

Ricky: I just chill out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just chill out.

Steve: You just chill out, dude? Just max relax?

Ricky: Yeah, max relax.

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure. And do you- and so if you’re in somewhere, like Italy, somewhere like that, cause obviously a very beautiful city and very cultured and stuff--

Ricky: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Steve: Is that, yeah, is that something do you enjoy? Do you enjoy the culture of that, the beautiful architecture that’s there.

Ricky: A hotel’s the same anywhere.

Steve laughs

Ricky: As long as it’s room service and a nice room and board and it’s nice weather--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: If it’s not, I’m annoyed.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I need to blame someone.

Steve: And is it true that you go- cause you go to Italy most years, don’t you? Is that because that’s the only food you like eating?

Ricky: I like, I like pasta and pizza, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, I’ve been to other places. I went to France once and the- you can’t explain to them to cook it properly, just cook it properly. I don’t want any- “Cook it! There’s blood in the middle of that.”

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure.

Ricky: Hungary there was- it was just- ohh. I went there for a while and I didn’t know- I couldn’t identify the animals--

Steve: Right, sure.

Ricky: They were killing for me. So, and I know quite a lot about natural history--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And I couldn’t identify what was on the plate. So I--

Steve: Came home early after a couple of days?

Ricky: No, I just got annoyed and I-I went to McDonald’s.

Steve: Yeah. Well, that’s the great thing about McDonald’s is they are in most major cities.

Ricky: Exactly. No, I-I- you can’t go wrong with pasta and pizza.

Steve: So, if we were to go on holiday and, you know, we were hanging out or whatever.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I, um, took you to, say, a beautiful cathedral. Is that something you’d enjoy? I can’t quite imagine you actually taking the time to--

Ricky: Well, as long, as long as it’s not a very long walk, you don’t have to stay there more than a couple of minutes, then I’d love to look around these places.

Steve laughs

Steve: Right. So you would, you’d look at the cathedral--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s taken, you know- that takes people breathes, you know, takes people's breathes away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, people travel from around the world to see that. You would- and how long would you stay--

Ricky: I don’t think people travel around to see it, I think they go somewhere and they go, “Well, we might as well go see (Ricky mumbles). They’re huge.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Would you- and would you, uh, would you, sort of, spend any time looking at that? Would you just, sort of, soak in the atmosphere for a moment or would you--

Ricky: I’d look at it and I’d go, “That’s brilliant” and then if there was any sort of soaking in, I could do that later when there’s nothing to look at.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: There’s less to do.

Steve: You’re memory of it, later, when you’re in the bar.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, you can, sort of, you know--

Steve: And would you- and so- can, can you be, kind of, in awe of something like that?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, if it’s big, I can. If I go into a cathedral and it’s, and it’s- I’ve seen bigger, I go, “Ohh, I’ve seen bigger.” If it’s the biggest one I’ve seen, I go, “That is huge…. let’s go.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Then you shoot off.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sure, because you are, you’re the sort of man that’s bored and this is true, Karl. You may not be familiar with this. Ricky Gervais is a man who gets bored drinking a glass of water.

Ricky: It’s boring.

Steve: Because it’s not flavorsome enough.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It’s not got enough flavor.

Ricky: It’s-it’s absolute bor- the only thing I- Jane’s got me on to fizzy water, which at least got something there and I only drink that when I’m, sort of, dehydrated in the middle of the night. I never- there’s no- I never drink a drink of water.

Steve: No.

Ricky: It’s- it is boring.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. But that’s why you’ve always got headaches and you’re always--

Ricky: Apparently, yeah.

Steve: Moaning and stuff. And that’s one of the- another one of the reasons I hate you.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: But- I don’t want to say hate, I don’t mean I hate you. I didn’t mean to- I didn’t meant to blur it out that strongly!

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But what I mean is if I’m spending a lot of time with you I grow to hate you.

Ricky: Once, right, I said- we were in the BBC canteen and I, sort of, like- and he just put his knife and fork and said, “I’m never eating with you again.” I said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “You annoy me. You- I hate eating with you. It annoys me. You- it looks like a child food. You eat chips and sausage and rubbish. You don’t eat- look at you. You don’t touch your vegetables, you don’t drink water.” He said- he really got annoyed!

Steve: I was because you-you-you’ve got this, like, this hatred of anything that’s good for you. You won’t eat any form of salad… You just--

Ricky: Why would I eat salad?

Steve: Because it is good for you! You need it!

Ricky: Lettuce is boring! Lettuce is absolutely boring. Um, uh, cucumber are boring, you know.

Steve: But-but, yeah, but the thing is, you see, I admit that lettuce and cucumber have not that much flavor, but that’s why people will add, say, in Italy they’ll add a lovely dressing. Maybe some olive oil, maybe some balsamic vinegar.

Ricky: Well, you’ve embarrassed yourself because the good thing about a nice, mature lump of cheddar cheese is you don’t have to have any dressing.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, though, you add some anyway.

Ricky: I put a little bit of olive oil in it and maybe some mayonnaise.

Steve: Maybe some, uh, Thousand Island Dressing.

Ricky: On a Ritz cracker, you don’t need it, it’s just extra.

Steve: Sure, sure. Well, good luck. I noticed you’re wearing- is this your traveling gear? You’ve got your sweatpants and the t-shirt, the free t-shirt.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Looking to get an upgrade, are you?

Ricky: I’m-I’m going First Class, anyway.

Steve: Sure, nice.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Spitting in the Wind

Steve and the Opera

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, “Spitting in the Wind” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais--

Steve: Are you going to be taking in any of the, uh, culture in Italy? Is that something you do?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The opera?

Ricky: Uhh--

Steve: I’d love to see you at the opera.

Ricky: Don’t know about the opera. I’ve never been to the opera. I do like, uh, you know, a bit of opera.

Steve: You like opera, do you?

Ricky: Not- I wouldn’t sit through a whole one, but I mean, I like, I like the songs they take from it for that “World Cup” one.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And those two fat birds, what they sung in “Shawshank Redemption” was good.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: But, um, I think I- you know, I haven’t gotten into it extensively. I haven’t studied the art.

Steve laughs

Steve: The art of opera.

Ricky: Also, it’s in foreign so you don’t really know what’s happening.

Steve: It’s in foreign?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, you don’t really know--

Steve: That’s annoying for you.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: What about- are you, are you a fan of any of the great English operas? Like, um, “The Pirates of Penzance?”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, Gilbert and Sullivan. To me, Gilbert and Sullivan were like the, probably, their-their day equivalent of, like, Richard Stilgoe getting together with Tony Slattery.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: And then, a hundred years later, people go, “It’s brilliant.” It-it is like- they might as well, um, I don’t know, make any, any episode of “Whose Line is it Anyway?”--

Steve: Right, yeah.

Ricky: Into an opera and in two hundred years time, people’ll be going, “That’s genius.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Listen to this one. Look, this is ‘Party Quirks.’”

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, Amdram society staging “World’s Worst Step.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Cause I- but I was, when I was in “Pirates of Penzance” once, in an amateur production--

Ricky: You used to like “Whose Line is it Anyway!”

Steve: I did. That was, yeah--

Ricky: Although, I did watch it when it first came on Channel 4 fifteen, twenty years ago.

Steve: But we, um, we did “The Pirates of Penzance” when I was in an amateur dramatic society in Bristol, uh, the Bristol Operatic Society. I don’t know why I was involved, cause I can’t sing. My audition, right, this was how desperate they were for blokes. I swear to God, right, I can’t sing, you--

Ricky: Well, you?

Steve: Yeah. Alright, calm down. And, um, I, uh, I went in and they said, “What are you going to sing?” I went, “Uh, well, I’ll just- I-I want to surprise you.” They said, “Do you want a piano accompaniment?” I said, “No, I don’t think so.”

Ricky giggles

Steve: So, I went to the back, I swear to God, I went to the back of the room and I just sang-

Steve sings “Thumbelina, Thumbelina, tiny little thing/ Thumbelina dance, Thumbelina sing/ Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small?/ Coz when your heart is full of love, you're six feet tall!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: I just did that and they just looked at me like I was the weirdest freak they’d ever had. Immediately put me in the chorus cause that’s how desperate they were for blokes. We staged- we rehearsed it, I couldn’t remember the lyrics.

Ricky: Thank God you were doing “Thumbelina!”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: But I couldn’t, um, I-I couldn’t remember the lyrics for--

Ricky: What was it for? Was it Gilbert and Sullivan?

Steve: It was- it was “The Pirates of Penzance.”

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: There weren’t enough blokes, right, so the- we had to double up. So some of the pirates had to double up as the policemen who are chasing the pirates. Little bit problematic in the scene when the policemen and the pirates have a fight!

Ricky laughs

Steve: That was a little bit tricky. And the worst thing- there’s a sequence where, like, the-the-the daughters of the Major-General all kind of, like, “Oh, beautiful-” Something like, you know, um, “Oh, beautiful little girls are we, la la la la la la la.” And the women they had, they must have all been over forty. I mean, real, kind of--

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Toothless crones.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Creeping around in their nighties--

Ricky: Is it the sort of women that buy one of those, sort of, porcelain dolls--

Steve: Exactly, yeah.

Ricky: And go, “Look, I’ve had a baby.” “It’s not real.” “It is a real baby! I'm gunna stab, you!?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: One of those?

Steve: Exactly. It’s the sort of women you’d see maybe on TV’s “Bargain Hunt.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You know, the kind of contestants you get on there. Those sort of women who-who sort of very in Amdram, they think they’ve come on to their looks, but they’d have never made it in-in, uh- the guy who was playing the, uh- there’s a guy who’s supposed to be an eighteen year old prince, an eighteen year old pirate, uh, the pirate king. He must have been forty, if he was a day. He also directed the show, though, so he got to prance around in these thigh-high boots. Ludicrous, it was so embarrassing. It was shameful, really.

Ricky: I’d love to go to Amdram.

Steve: Amdram is a whole other world. It’s just such an incredible place cause there’s so much backbiting and envy and--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Oh, it’s incredible! I mean, it’s worse than the real world of theater and TV. It’s unbelievable cause the same old people get to do it every year cause they can hold a note.

Ricky: Can we go along?

Steve: You would absolutely adore it, Gervais. It is--

Ricky: Just film it. A secret camera. Have you ever done anything in a play, Pilk?

Steve: We know this. Karl, you-you’ve performed--

Karl: I just did the, uh, a talent show, didn’t I?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, tell ’em about the talent show, yeah.

Steve: Remind us of the talent show.

Karl: Uh… that’s when I did, uh, “Walk Like an Egyptian” dressed up as a woman.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: And I did me magic trick.

Ricky: Oh, that’s the- it’s an egg.

Karl: The egg one.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh…

Steve: What was the egg one, again?

Karl: When I, uh, actually, I’ve ruined it now, saying “the egg one.” But I went onstage with, like, an hanky--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I said, uh- at this point I was dressed up as a caretaker, innit.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Dunno why, can’t remember.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Art.

Karl: I stood there with this, uh, with this hanky over me hand--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I said, “Right, you’re going to love this one.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I said, “I’m going to make a bird appear in front of ya, in front of ya eyes.” Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And they’re all like, “Ooh, god what’s he gonna do?” So, I’m stood there--

Ricky: Yeah, I’m sure they did.

Karl: Pulled the hanky off--

Steve: It was an egg.

Karl: Had an egg. I said, “Oh, it hasn’t been born yet.”

Steve: That’s brilliant.

Karl: They loved it.

Steve: They- yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: They went wild for it, did they? Round of applause?

Karl: Yeah, uh--

Steve: How old were you? Is that when you were, like, seventeen?

Ricky: Was that- apart from, apart from your paper round, was that the high point of your life, so far?

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Is that- what’s the best--

Karl: No, I didn’t really want to do it.

Steve: Karl, I’d like to see you take that on the road.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Or maybe at least to the Edinburgh Festival next year.

Ricky: Karl, we’re going to play a song now, right? One of my- a great track, “Watch That Man” off one of my favorite albums, “Aladdin Sane” by David Bowie. But, during that, can you- can you think of a couple of things for me? What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Can you, can you think about that for three minutes? Me and Steve will leave you alone. Just the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Remembering everything that is amazing. Yeah? Can you do that?

Karl: Yeah.

Song: David Bowie - Watch That Man

Karl's Best Time Ever

Ricky: “Watch That Man,” David Bowie. Steve’s caught unaware there, just wandering around. Not quite ready, were ya?

Steve: Well, no, I’m just relaxed, you know, I’m just laid back, just hanging.

Ricky: Yeah. Karl…

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky: Best things that ever happened to ya? Best event, best day in your life?

Karl: I mean, there’s-there’s loads of things that happen. Like, uh--

Ricky and Steve smigger

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No, but do you know what I mean? You can go for obvious stuff, like, you know, meeting Suzanne--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Sticking with her an’ all that.

Ricky: But take-take-take that, take that as read.

Steve: Yeah. You’ve got that on your desert island, that’s already done.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, uh…

Karl sighs

Steve: And the day, you know, you got your qualifications through.

Ricky: Yeah, the history- yeah.

Karl: Um, probably… I mean, when you asked me then, the first thing that came into me mind, right, that was a real surprise, right, cause it’s like you get surprises on your birthday an’ that, don’t you?

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: But they’re not really surprises cause you’re hassling your mum and dad for stuff--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then they, you know, they might buy it ya.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So it’s not really a real surprise, is it? Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Uh, so I’d say something that was really like, “Oh, yeah, nice one. I’ve got something here.” is the time when me dad said, “Empty the bin, will you?” right? And I said, “Oh, do I have to?” And I was watching something, it was like “Why Don’t You?” or something like that on the telly.

Ricky: Is this what started your tea bag and banana skin collection?

Karl: Right, so it was like, do you know in the summer holidays where you’d have dead good telly in the morning--

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: You’d have, like, “The Monkees”--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. “The Banana Splits.”

Karl: “The Banana Splits,” all that, right.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: I was, like, loving that, I was watching that. My dad said, “Empty the bin.” I said, “Aww, 'The Monkees’ are on in a minute.” He said, “Just empty the bin.” So I emptied it and just put it near the door. He said, “Don’t leave it there!” He said, “Stick it near the bins in the garden!” I said, “I’ll put it there later.” He said, “No, do it now!”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So I was like, “Oh, if I miss the beginning of this, I’ll be livid.”

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Right? So I picked it up quick, ran out down to the bottom of the garden, slung it in the corner and, sort of, went to turn back to go back in and I had to look again cause they had, like, a little AA truck. They bought me-

Steve: New?

Karl: It wasn’t brand new, but he’d got it from somewhere. A little AA go-cart, do you know one of them, like, little things- I mean, I was, I was young.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Yeah, it was a go-cart?

Karl: Well, kind of- you know, the plastic ones.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: When you’re about, I don’t know, I must have been like five or six or something.

Steve: So, I don’t quite follow. That-that, had he sent you out there--

Karl: He sent me out with the bin bag--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I could see what he’d got me. And it wasn’t me birthday or anything, he’d just got it from somewhere.

Steve: You’re sure he hadn’t just nicked it and dumped it right out the back?

Karl: Possibly.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But, uh, that-that was, like, a genuine, like, “Oh, yeah, smart.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I went back in, watched the telly for a bit and then went back out.

Ricky: Did I tell, did I tell you about my go-cart?

Karl: Yeah, that you--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: About your dad giving it away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What’s that story?

Ricky: I don’t- I don’t think I’ve told you this, have I?

Steve: Oh, go on. Well, tell it again.

Ricky: I-I- have I told it on air? I can’t remember. Maybe I just told you it. Um, when I was about eight or nine, I had a go-cart and I loved it. It was one of those that you pressed back and forth--

Karl: Yeah, that’s--

Ricky: And I used to come in every day, used to just get changed, run out and it was, um, behind the shed and I used to just go up and down the garden. And one day I came running in and I ran out and I couldn’t see it. And I went up to the back door and my mum was washing up and I went, “Where’s my go-cart?” She went, “Your dad swapped it.”

Steve: Your dad swapped it?

Ricky: Yeah. With his mate, Jimmy, in the pub. He went- I said, “Oh.” She went, “Yeah, he swapped it for a wheelbarrow.” So I went and looked back and there was this wheelbarrow, right, that was obviously just came off a building site.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Covered in concrete. Couldn’t- it was steel. Right, I could hardly move it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I went back and I went, “Really?” She went, “Yeah, it’s your wheelbarrow.”

Steve laughs

Karl: I'm thinking me dad, me dad lost a wheelbarrow that dad.

Ricky: Yeah. And I used to, used to push that up and down and it wasn’t the same and--

Steve: You used to push the wheelbarrow up and down?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anything in there or--

Ricky: No, I was just trying to, sort of, keep meself amused. But anyway, that summer, I went on holiday and, uh, I went to Bogner with my mum and nan. Um--

Steve laughs

Steve: Another wild holiday.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And I was sort of out, out by the caravan and, um, I made friends with this, this kid and he’d hired a go-cart from the, the caravan center, right. And I remember he was going ‘round in it and, uh, it was great and I said, and I said, “I’ve got a go-cart.” and the caravan window opened and my mum said, “Don’t lie.”

Steve laughs

Steve: “You’ve got a wheelbarrow.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “Be truthful.”

Ricky: I went, “I had a go-cart.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, that’s so tragic.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you ever really forgive him for that? I’d never forgiven my dad if he’d swapped a go-cart for a wheelbarrow.

Ricky: I just thought it’s par for the course. You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: They’re in charge.

Steve: Sure. Did you used to rush home, change and--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Get into that, sort of, gardener’s gear?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Straight into your hard hat and Dungarees.

Ricky: I’d go, “Mum, any bricks need moving?”

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, oh dear.

Steve: Wow. Aw, that’s so tragic.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Still, that was your happiest day.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Beautiful, Karl.

Karl: That’s-that’s the one that sprang to mind.

Ricky: And my unhappiest. See how go-carts can be good or bad?

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Does that make you think, Karl? That the go-cart is, you know, is good and evil.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Adverts.

Ricky: I’m upset. Eh?

Karl: Some adverts.

Ricky: Oh brilliant, what adverts you got!?

Karl: I got these!

Advertisements

Song: The Electric Soft Parade - Biting the Souls of My Feet

Steve and the Boss

Ricky: Electric Soft Parade, “Same Way Everyday” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais.

Steve: With him, Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Rick I, um, I only had one thing I had to do all week, okay?

Ricky: What was that?

Steve: I only had- I was- all week, I was so excited about getting up, Friday morning, phoning, getting Bruce Springsteen tickets.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: The Boss is playing in, uh--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: In October and basically got up too late.

Ricky: What, not sold out already?

Steve: It had sold out, it had sold out, but I started calling about twelve-thirty, it had sold out. I trolled the ‘net, I trolled, uh, all the phone lines--

Ricky: Yeah, but a lot of- some of those buys are bulk buys for selling on, aren’t they? They’re not all individual--

Steve: This is the problem. This is the problem. I mean, I don’t know how many people they can fit in Wembley Arena, but sold it out by twelve-thirty and that’s popular.

Ricky: Wembley Arena?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s about twelve thousand, innit?

Steve: I was so gutted. It was all I had to do. I was so looking forward to it. I phoned up one of those, like, quite dodgy phony ticket agencies. Do you know how much he was offering- you know that they’re like, forty-five quid to buy. He said the starting price is two hundred and twenty-five quid. I mean, that to me is like a ticket tout, like, illegal ticket tout.

Ricky: Are they allowed to do that?

Steve: I don’t know, it’s crazy. I was so angry.

Ricky: They could make- they’d have to say their booking fee was a hundred and fifty pounds.

Steve: Exactly. So I- but now I’m just, I'm just, like, desperate. I don’t know what to do. I’m just wondering if I could abuse our position on the radio and just try and scrounge them from anyone who’s listening.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No, I mean anyone who’s listening, who’s got the power to get them, you know, or-or--

Ricky: This is begging, isn’t it?

Steve: This is-this is exactly what it is, Rick, yeah. Yeah, I was going to try and dress it up--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But it’s just begging.

Ricky: That ticket tout’s after you, as well, for dissing him.

Steve: Ricky.Gervais@--

Ricky: Don’t bring me into it!

Steve: Shut up. [email protected]. If there’s anything you can do to get me a ticket- I’m willing to pay for it, um, up to the price of forty-five quid.

Ricky: Yeah. Well, second hand. Thirty! You don’t, you don’t want to throw your money around, Steve.

Steve: I’ll give twenty-five quid, c’mon. Don’t you know who I am?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But, um, but that- do you know what I mean? Cause I asked Karl if he could sort it out. He’s done nothing, he’s achieved nothing.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: So I’m just desperate, I’m in a desperate situation and I don’t quite know what to do.

Ricky: I’ll tell you this, though, Karl. Don’t bother doing favors for him cause he’s not grateful. He-he-he- you give him something and he goes, “Right, does this mean I have to give you something back?” and I go, “Well, no.” and he goes, “Good!”

Steve exclaims

Karl: Well, I got you Cure tickets and you did nothing but whinge about it.

Steve: Yeah, it was rubbish, that gig.

Karl: There you go, then.

Steve: It was rubbish. I went along to that gig, it was a balmy summer’s night. The Cure, as far as I’m concerned, owe me a balmy summer’s night cause I wasted it. Hour and a half they played for. They played four hits. I don’t want to hear their dirge from, like, some dodgy album from, like, 1984. I’m not interested! Play the hits; “Boys Don’t Cry”, “Love Cats”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Instead, I got nothing! I was so angry. I was, I was just- oh, man I was angry.

Ricky: You were probably angry at Karl, weren’t you?

Steve: I was angry at Karl for wasting my time, getting me the tickets--

Ricky: Yeah, you know what I mean, Karl?

Steve: If I had paid for it, I would have been absolutely livid.

Ricky: Are you getting- you getting to see what sort of bloke Steve Merchant is?

Karl: Mm-hmm.

Steve: No, it’s the point. Do you not agree, though, that if you’re going to see a band like The Cure on a summer’s night--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Hyde Park, you do not want to hear some obscure B-sides and album tracks.

Ricky: But that- that’s what- that was the great thing about, um, when I saw Bowie at the BBC. He played--

Steve: When you what?

Ricky: He- you know about that.

Steve: I don’t know about this.

Ricky: Yeah, you do.

Steve: What? When did you see Bowie?

Ricky: At the Jonathan Ross recording.

Steve, in a mocking tone: Oh, what, your showbiz friend Jonathan Ross?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: What was this? Was that that TV thing he did?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You went to that? You haven’t told me about this.

Ricky: Yes, I have.

Steve: No, you haven‘t.

Ricky: Well, you were away, I think.

Steve: No, I wasn’t. Cause I watched it on TV.

Ricky: It was amazing.

Steve: Well, don’t tell me that!

Ricky: It was incredible.

Steve: Were you seriously there?

Ricky: Yeah. And then, then I went onto his show on the Saturday.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah, cause I was- Jonathan said, “Oh, I need someone to come in.” Yeah and I went onto the radio show.

Steve: So you were hanging out with Bowie?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Go on. Who else was there?

Ricky quietly chuckles

Ricky: Well the weird thing was--

Steve: Should I go through my favorite artists and you just name ‘em and see- if they were there, just let me know.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, but it was amazing, right? Cause he started- he-he played, um, uh, just doing--

Steve: I can’t--

Ricky: Cause it was that, it was the “Meltdown” thing and he did, uh, “Be My Wife”, which was great. Then he started doing “Fame”, right, and they had been talking about “Ziggy” in the, um, in the interview. He was going, “Oh, everyone always goes ‘Ziggy’. Would you just stop it?” And it was sort of, like, got to a point where he was going, “Oh-” and it was really funny and, uh, uh, but Jonathan’s got a favorite phase with that. And then he started playing, um, “Fame” and it was really good and he just went, “Stop this, stop this. This isn’t- uh, this, uh…let’s do ‘Ziggy.’” And I--

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: My spine tingled. I welled up- and “Ziggy Stardust” and I’ll tell you what, it sounded like the album version. And he’s got an amazing ballad and it was- and I love it when they do that. I hate it when they- just cause they’ve been going for twenty-five years, they start changing it--

Steve: Sorry, I can’t believe that you went to this, that you knew you were going to this and you never asked me. You never asked Jonathan if you could get me in. I mean, seriously, I- I mean, you know how much that would have meant to me.

Ricky: Yeah, but it was very tight. Apparently- I-I know, but- very, very, it was very, sort of- apparently, Richard, uh, Branson couldn’t get in. There was a queue, so I was like special- it was, it was me, me and Jane went, um, uh, David Baddiel and, uh, Frank Skinner--

Steve: Oh, what; suddenly your new showbiz friends of yours, are they?

Ricky: No! No, I mean, they- I’m rubbing it in Steve. I don’t--

Steve: I can’t- I’m just--

Ricky giggles

Ricky: But you might not have liked it. You might have complained like Karl with The Cure and you-you-you’d turn your back on it.

Steve: That was rubbish, though. That was rubbish.

Ricky: Well, you might not have liked what David did, you know, I--

Steve: I’ll tell you this. Seriously, if I find out that you do- that you’ve gone to some secret gig or something in the future and I find out- Seriously, that’s it. There’s no more “Office”, there’s no more--

Ricky starts to laugh

Steve: No, I’m not joking. I’m not mucking around, cause that, to me, is like- that’s what friendship is. That’s like textbook example of friendship.

Ricky: What do you think, Karl?

Karl: Uh--

Steve: No, I just think that’s really awful.

Ricky: No, you were off. You were away.

Steve: No, I wasn’t away!

Ricky: Yeah, you were, yeah.

Steve: I wasn’t away! Don’t try and fool me!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I wouldn’t have been away. If I was away, I wouldn’t have been away if you had told me that was happening.

Ricky: You were asleep. You were asleep.

Steve: I-I‘m-I‘m- Seriously, I’m… we can joke about it, but I’m really angry about this.

Ricky: What do you think, Karl?

Karl sighs

Steve: There’s a secret, right, there's a secret- Apparently there’s a secret Bruce Springsteen gig that’s been planned--

Ricky: I’m going.

Steve: Are you? I- If you, seriously--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I’m teasing!

Steve: Seriously, if I find out that you’re at that, I will- I mean--

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Play a record so I can shout expletives at Ricky Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: I- Oh.. I’ll tell you what, lovely little bit of Electronic.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Just a coo- uh, calm and sooth me. I’m just- Seriously, I’m not joking. That really winds me up. That really winds me up.

Ricky: The Cure was good.

Steve audibly exhales

Song: Electronic - Getting Away With It

Big Heads

Steve: Electronic, “Getting Away With It”. Nice to hear that again, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, lovely. Love all that, love all that.

Steve: Someone’s just, uh--

Ricky: You’ve got your result, haven’t ya?

Steve: Well, no, there’s a guy that’s just phoned up and said he might be able to sort me out with some Springsteen tickets. I’m deeply excited about that--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But, you know, people don’t, uh, don’t-don’t get complacent.

Ricky: Don’t rest on your laurels.

Steve: He might not be able to--

Ricky: Steve, Steve demands a lot of hard work here.

Steve: Well, he-he might not be able to sort it out, you know. He’s going to make some calls, but if he can’t, you know, keep calling or emailing. Uh, [email protected].

Ricky: You’ll be taking me, won’t ya, after that rant after me not taking you.

Steve: Well, you’re welcome to go, I mean, if- well, if you’d told me that before, I probably could have blagged some using your name.

Ricky laughs

Steve: If you’d let me do that, I could have phoned up the promoter. “Hi. Calling on behalf of Ricky Gervais, BAFTA winner.”

Ricky: Oh, dear. Oh.

Steve: You’d have probably have, uh, sorted me right out. Yeah, but no, I mean- we-we, joking aside, it is quite serious. And, um, and as I said, I don’t want to pay out the nose for ‘em. I’m willing to go up to, sort of, forty-seven pounds.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: They cost forty-five--

Ricky: Like-like-like that- Steve trying to impress a girl in a queue, offered the bouncer two quid for himself.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If he could go to the front of the queue.

Steve: Oh, man. That was so embarrassing.

Ricky: Two quid!

Steve: I tried to bribe- did I tell you that, Karl? I tried to bribe the, uh, bouncer. He was coming out, he was just- he thought he was really- he thought he was in, sort of, he was- he was like the bouncer at The Met Club or The Met Bar, or something.

Ricky: Tenner in!

Steve: He was choos- no that wasn’t it. He was picking people off, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was it, he was picking people. He was going, “You, you can come in, you can come in.” I got chatting up a couple of girls. I thought, “I’m in here, I’m sorted here.” And, uh, I thought “I’ll-I’ll-I’ll act flash. I’ll try and bribe my way into the club.” The guy was walking past, I cornered him. I went, “Eyy, how much to go in?” He said, uh, “Fiver.” I went, “I’ll give you seven.”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: And two pou- cause the problem I had was, I didn’t want to go straight to, like, a tenner.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Because if he had accepted seven, I didn’t want to be down.

Ricky: No.

Steve: I didn’t want to waste the money.

Ricky: No. You were right Steve. You were right, Steve.

Steve: I thought we could at least haggle.

Ricky: It was the term- is that frugal? What is the term for that; thrifty? I know, um--

Steve: No, I- but I’m resenting this because you are trying to create this kind of, this lies, this myth that I’m somehow, you know, like that I’m somehow--

Ricky: Careful.

Steve: Cheap with my money. Or that I’m not a great lover.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know what I mean? And that sort of- that I’m, like- it’s annoying me.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Frankly.

Ricky: Oh, dear. Um, Karl, you went to, uh, Habitat this week, didn’t you?

Karl: You’re not going to believe this, Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: He told me this.

Steve: Was it a bargain?

Ricky: No.

Karl: You know how I tell you about those, um, those lads at school with big heads.

Steve: Sure, yeah. The big head lads, yeah.

Ricky: And the webbed feet.

Karl: Yeah. Web-webbed hands.

Ricky: Webbed hands, was it?

Karl: Um…

Steve: They weren’t there, were they?

Karl: They weren’t there, but do you, like, Ricky is always saying, “Oh, they don’t exist. They only went to your school, la, la, la, la, la.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Was in Habitat, there was only one-one sat on the sofa. Not one of the lads, but one of the, one of the--

Steve: A big head lad?

Karl: A big headed lad.

Steve: Wha- is that like- when you say big headed lad, is he like Frank Sidebottom big head? I mean, is it- what is it?

Karl: I don’t know- this is why I, you know, it’s nice to--

Steve: Do you think, maybe, it’s medical--

Karl: Well, it’d be nice to--

Steve: Concern.

Karl: If there’s a doctor listening, right?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. A doctor listen to XFM thinking, “I must phone up and fuel Karl’s obsession with the deformed.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, but it’s not really deformed. It was just--

Steve: How big is the head?

Karl: Probably- you see, it’s weird how it’s always kids who I see with it, so I’m wondering whether--

Ricky: They grow into their head.

Karl: A full-size head--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And when they get older, it works out alright.

Ricky: Like jumpers. My mum used to get me jumpers a size too big so they would last a year.

Karl: So I’m just wondering if it’s the same thing.

Steve: So how old are these, generally? Are they about, like, adults?

Karl sighs

Steve: They’re like kids, aren’t they?

Karl: When I was at school there, I was probably about like seven and this kid--

Steve: And do they have any kind of apparatus to, sort of, keep their head from, kind of, you know, not tipping them over or, sort of, standing up--

Karl: Well, their brain--

Steve: I’m just worried that their head’s getting too heavy for their body, or something and their--

Karl: No, they- I mean, it’s not that big.

Steve: Right.

Karl: It’s, uh, it’s just not right. You kinda go, you-you sort of do a bit of a double take.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Like the fringe isn’t, sort of, you know, just above their eyes. It was quite high up.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Um--

Steve: That sickens you, obviously.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And is this something that repulses you, slightly? Do you get--

Karl: No, no, no. That’s- that would be cruel.

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, uh, but, you know--

Steve: But it’s not cruel to discuss it on the radio.

Karl: Well, it happens.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So- and I would just like to know what it is. If it’s like a… like a water on the head type thing, right?

Ricky stifles a laugh

Steve: A water on the head type thing?

Ricky: Like water on the knee.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But on the head.

Steve: Water on the head.

Karl: But yeah. If anyone knows what it is--

Steve: Yeah. People with big heads.

Karl: Yeah, that’d be, uh--

Steve: And it’s- yeah, okay.

Karl: Would be good.

Steve: Good information.

Karl: So, what time are we doing--

Ricky: Are you sure it wasn’t perspective? Are you sure he wasn’t, sort of, um, sort of, leaning forward and he was really tall so the top of the head looked quite big, but then it went in to a little body, but really his body was a lot further away?

Karl: No, big head.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Just a big head. Rest of his body- fine. Face- okay. Everything’s normal.

Ricky: You weren’t looking at him in a kettle?

Karl: If he wore a hat, he’d be alright. But--

Ricky: What do you mean, if he wore a hat he’d be alright?

Karl: You’d probably just think, “Yeah, that’s a big hat.” Or--

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Yeah, what sort of hat?

Steve: What, like a ten-gallon hat?

Ricky: Yeah, with- it would go down on top of his shoulders with two eyes cut in it.

Steve: Yeah, like something from “The Anthill Mob”.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, it had to have been (unknown).

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: How would a hat help him?

Steve: Yeah. Are you sure this wasn’t a Diddy Man?

Ricky laughs

Karl: I’m not being mean--

Ricky: No.

Karl: I’m just want to know what it is.

Steve: No. Okay. Well, if you are a doctor listening and you, you know, you want to use your, kind of, free Saturday to good use--

Ricky: Not the doctor who phoned the bloke in America and said, “Where do I get blood from?”

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Not that doctor, cause I assume he’s been struck off now, given--

Steve: Sure, give us a call and sort out the-the whole big head conundrum. What’s the number?

Karl: Uh, 08700 800 1234.

Steve: That’s also the number to call if you have Bruce Springsteen tickets available. I’ll pay up to forty-seven pounds.

Ricky: Don’t do it. Go yourself. Don’t give them to Steve for cost price. Make a little profit.

Steve: Oh, c’mon.

Ricky: I mean, don’t take the mickey.

Steve: Don’t wind me up. You what I feel. You’ve already ruined one thing, don’t ruin some more of my dreams.

Ricky: But I’ll tell you what, if you do get Steve, um, tickets, he’ll be so grateful that he will spend a little bit of money on you, I imagine. You’ll buy the tickets and, you know, give ‘em summat pretty special cause you’re earning now, and, you know--

Steve: Yeah. Let me discuss that with them, Rick.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: I mean, let’s not make any promises.

Song: The White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground

Space Cake

Ricky: Yeah, you’re in the middle of a phone call there, aren’t ya? Was- is that poor bloke still on the line?

Karl: Probably not now. He’s gone.

Ricky: Oh, is he?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, you’re in the middle of summat.

Karl: White Stripes, there.

Ricky: Yeah. “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground.” Steve, what are you doing?

Steve, away from microphone: Sorry, mate. I’m just, uh, preoccupied with other stuff. I’ve got the whole Springsteen thing I’m worried about, I’ve got that playing on my mind--

Ricky: I’ve never seen Steve so worried. Like, usually he just, he sits there--

Steve: I told you Rick, I’ve made promises to people that I can’t keep.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I promised about three different people that I’m getting them tickets. So, uh--

Ricky: Well, serves you right.

Steve: Just making some calls, Rick, that’s all.

Ricky: I can’t believe it. I cannot believe it.

Karl: Are we doing the game in this hour, or what?

Ricky: Oh, we could do. Should we do that, your game?

Karl: Well--

Ricky: What was that thing you told me the-the other day, as well? Talking about head- people have been phoning up about this. I don’t think we should talk about conditions of the mind and brain.

Karl: Well, that woman has put you right.

Ricky: Yeah, Sharon. It’s hydrocephalus, it could be, and, uh, all it is that it’s-it’s totally curable and normal life. What they do is there’s a baby born with, sort of, water on the brain and it comes out. It must hurt a bit, in child birth. And then they just, uh, drain it off. It’s just full of water.

Karl: I’ll tell you what.

Ricky: What?

Karl: You’ve just reminded me.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Weird stuff going on in the world--

Ricky: But it wasn’t a baby, was it? This was- maybe it was a baby! Maybe it was, ohh. Maybe it was a baby, but it had water on the everything.

Karl: Well, listen, right? This was a kid with a big head, so as I’m concerned, it wasn’t a baby, but we know what it’s got, everything’s sorted. But other things, right, that are weird in the world--

Ricky: Yeah, go on, Karl.

Karl: Do you know how you always, like, um--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You’re going on about, uh, there’s no ghosts and stuff.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? How do you answer this one?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Someone here who I work with--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? I’m not going to say who they are cause it doesn’t matter. But they were eating, uh, space cake. Right?

Ricky: What do you mean by that, Karl? Explain.

Steve: What’s space cake?

Ricky: For people who--

Karl: It’s some, it’s some, sort of, druggy cake, innit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: A dope brownie or whatever, yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: So-so-so-something with cannabis in it. Is that what you’re saying?

Karl: I think it’s something stronger than that, innit? I don’t know, but anyway, he was having this space cake and--

Ricky: You better give me the name now, Karl, cause I’ve got to report ‘em.

Karl: No, listen--

Ricky: It’s only- no, no, no, no, cause it is still--

Karl: It doesn’t matter.

Ricky: No--

Steve: Is it Sturgis? Was it Claire Sturgis?

Karl: Yeah. Let’s say it is.

Ricky: She wouldn’t bother, would she? She’s gone on to harder stuff, she doesn’t bother with dope.

Steve: Yeah, just jack it straight up.

Ricky: Doesn’t do anything to it now.

Steve: Straight to the veins.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So listen, right? He’s at a party, right, with his mates and they’re listening to, um, the, uh, Starsailor album.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Right? And, uh, sat there and he’s had some of this cake--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And, uh, he’s listening to the album and his mates sat across the way talking to someone else.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: It’s weird.

Karl: The album’s on--

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: And he thinks to himself, “This track's going on a bit.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And his mate, across the way, who was talking to someone else--

Ricky: Heard him say it.

Karl: Heard him say it and he goes--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Goes, “Yeah, it is, innit?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So he goes, “Oh.”

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And he goes--

Ricky: See, usually at this point, I’d say, “Had this bloke taken drugs?” but you started the story--

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: With “This bloke--”

Karl: No, no, no, no.

Ricky: “Had done some drugs, right Rick?”

Karl: But since- he- if he, if he was here now--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, you would say, “Yeah. No, I think- I know it sounds mental--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “But it happened.” And it wasn’t just the one question, it wasn’t just like, “Oh, this track’s a bit long, innit?” “Yeah, it is.”

Ricky: He had a whole conversation.

Karl: It was a whole conversation with the guy.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: And he--

Steve: Sorry, I-I just want to clarify. You mean, he had the whole conversation telepathically?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right. He didn’t just shout across the room.

Karl: And they recently met up and they, like, sat there and tried to, like, work out what happened and--

Ricky: Presumably they didn’t have to talk at all anymore.

Steve: Yeah. Why did they meet up? Couldn’t they have just, like, in their own homes?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Just stay at home and do it.

Ricky: Do they, do they have to have that cake before they start having their conversation? “Hold on. Wait a minute, lads. Why are we using our lips?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “This is using way too many- oh, take- there we go, mmm.”

Steve: My only question with that is- being skeptics like Ricky and I, whenever we hear about the paranormal, the first thing we always look for is maybe some, maybe some other explanation.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Maybe one vague idea--

Ricky: Lying?

Steve: Could be lying.

Ricky: Uh, Chinese Whisper. Um--

Steve: As, as I think you pointed out there that drugs is often an issue, as well.

Ricky: Drugs, drugs. Madness.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Fear. Delusion.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Sleep.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, there-there-there are so many things you go through--

Steve: I’m going to go with the drugs!

Ricky: Before your dead grandmother.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Pops into the equation, with me.

Steve: I’m going to go with the acid.

Ricky: Right. Tell the other story that you totally, you totally believe this as a true story, don’t you? The fella with the-the- um, being killed.

Karl: Right. Do you know how the other week we were talking about some fella who had his head cut off? And he said, uh, “When me head goes into the basket, I’m going to blink a lot. See how many times I can blink.”

Ricky: But if you remember, when Karl first told me that, it was, uh, um, I think it was Simon or, um, uh, Nick that pointed out that that’s not quite right, Karl. Karl told me it that he had his head cut off and when his head was in the basket, it looked up and said, “Count how many times I blink!” He believed that as well!

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So, he was hap- he was happy with that!

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: So, so, so, yeah. So a couple of weeks ago, there was a guy, he had his head cut off and before he’d had it off, he said, “I’m going to blink to show there’s life after death.”

Karl: Right and he did thirty-two blinks.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So, you two were, sort of, putting that down the other week.

Steve: Yeah, we were skeptical of that.

Karl: So I looked again--

Ricky: On the internet?

Karl: At some other website--

Ricky: Yep!

Karl: And there’s a diary--

Ricky: Sorry. Is the website, just to clarify, the website is the place where you bought property on the moon, didn’t you, cause it was a bargain.

Karl: Right, so, um, this guy--

Ricky: Been gezumped.

Karl: Look, we’ll see who’s been gezumped when, no, when this world ends.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And I've got somewhere to go and I know you’ll be calling me up saying, “Oh, can I come with ya?”

Steve: You’ve got, like, a few square foot, though.

Karl: No, I’ve got acres.

Steve: You’re going to have stand deadly still--

Ricky laughs

Steve: On the moon, in your two square foot.

Karl: I’ve got about twenty acres.

Steve: There’s no place for Suzanne. It’ll just be you. “I’m off, love.”

Ricky: It’s all, it’s all those people with big heads and webbed feet that have been buying it all these years.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, listen, right?

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Anyway--

Steve: Play a record. Tell us the story afterward it.

Karl sighs

Steve: We’ve been chatting for far too long.

Ricky: Oh, sorry Karl. No- let’s play a record.

Steve: Play a tune, we’ll come back--

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: What’s this, another ghost story?

Ricky: Oh, let’s play my, one of my favorite songs of all time cause I’m going on holiday. I’m getting into a lovely serene mood- serene Sorrento is probably from it. Neil Young, “After the Goldrush.”

Steve: Beautiful.

Song: Neil Young - After the Goldrush

Off With His Head

Ricky: What an amazing track, that is.

Steve: Beautiful tune, yeah. Dynamite.

Ricky: Neil Young, “After the Goldrush.” So go on, Karl. Sorry. Go on, Karl.

Steve: Just take us back a few steps, Karl. Wha-wha-what’s the story?

Karl: Right, so I did some research, right?

Steve: Now let’s just recap again. The guy- there was a guy you read about who had his head chopped off. He was guillotined.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: He had said to the people around him--

Ricky: Count how many blinks.

Steve: “I’m going to blink once I’ve had my head cut off to show life.”

Ricky: To show the brain can still- yeah.

Steve: Or the brain can continue to work after death.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay. So, yeah, we queried that.

Karl: So, you weren’t having any of it.

Ricky: Well, no. It’s supposed to be for a few seconds, 'til the oxygen stops being fed to the cells because the blood is drained away, but, you know, nothing spectacular. So, go on.

Karl: So, along a similar sort of lines, right? This is quite a few years ago. Um, this fella, sort of upset the royal family doing something, right?

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So, they said, “This isn’t good--”

Ricky: Wasn’t Ben Elton at that jubilee thing, was it?

Karl: I can’t, I can’t remember what it was and they said, “Right--”

Ricky: That was terrible.

Karl: “We’re going to, uh, going to cut your head off. Um, you know, you’ve got to, got to show people that you can’t be doing what you’ve been doing.”

Steve: What was this, the 1970’s?

Ricky snickers

Steve: When you said a couple years ago, you mean, maybe, sort of--

Ricky: Was it the olden days--

Karl: Ages.

Ricky: When the phones weren’t very good?

Karl: Ages ago.

Steve: Couple of ages ago, sure.

Karl: And, uh, so he said, “Yeah, fair enough.”

Steve: Yeah. Very philosophical.

Ricky: Yeah, imagine that. All those years.

Steve: “Could we take your head off?” “Well, fair enough.”

Ricky: This was literally ages ago.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Simon Schama’s "History of Britain".

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and even before that, which was Yonks.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Before, when it was all mental and different.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Sorry, Karl. Go on.

Steve: So he’s having his head cut off and he’s- but he’s resigned to it.

Karl: No, it’s-it’s the day before, he’s kind of got it into his head now that, “I’m not going to have me head, um, much longer.”

Steve: Sure.

Karl: “So, let’s-let’s make use of this.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He said, uh, “I wonder how long, like, the body can stay alive.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “Without the head on it.” Right? So they were like, “Ooh, I dunno.”

Steve hoots

Karl: So, uh--

Steve: Who were, the jailors?

Karl: Whoever he was asking.

Steve: The rats?

Ricky: These jailors with one eye.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Ey, get up, punk!”

Karl: So, he said--

Steve: “No, wait a minute. I’ve got an interesting scientific experiment, jailor.” “Well, fair enough.”

Ricky: “Whatizzit?”

Steve chuckles

Karl: So, uh, he said, “What I want to do-” Right? He said, um, you know, “Surely, it’s me last right, you know, I’m going to be, I'm going to be dead tomorrow. So, um--”

Ricky: He didn’t draw it out this long, did he?

Karl: Yeah, he said, “Let’s-let’s-let’s-let’s test this out, you know. It’s a- do us a favour, you know." He said, "It’s me last day. Um, what I want you to do is- you going to cut me head off. Let’s put a white line on the floor.”

Steve: Right.

Karl: “And see if, you know-” Cause there’s no point asking how far it can, sort of, walk without an head if there isn’t a line cause you-you don’t know what to count, do you know what I mean? If it’s just- if he loses his head and he’s running around all over the place, you can’t really count--

Steve: Yeah. It’s not impressive enough, yeah.

Karl: So, so they said, “Let’s make a white line.”

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah. Who said this; he did or they did?

Karl: I think they started to join in with him and say, “Well, let’s make this--”

Ricky: Sure. You’re guessing. Go on.

Karl: So, uh--

Steve: Have they got Norris McWhirter down?

Ricky laughs

Steve: The “Guinness” people.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So they said, “Let us get this white line and, uh--”

Steve: Dedications, all you need.

Karl: “We’ll-we’ll do this, do this tomorrow.” He said, “Alright, then. I’ll see ya in the morning.”

Ricky: “See you in the morning! Oh, see you in the morning. Night-night, sleep tight.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Bye-bye.”

Steve: I love the fact that Karl knows exactly what was said.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh, that’s beautiful.

Ricky: He doesn’t know the story or what order it’s in or when it was.

Steve: But he knows exactly what was said.

Ricky: Or who said what, but he knows the interviews of- “Alright then. See you in the morning. Mwah, mwah. Bye, kissy, kissy, kissy.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Oh, I’m not like that.” “Oh, you joker.”

Steve: “Don’t let the bedbugs bite!”

Ricky: Oh, anyway.

Karl: So he gets up--

Ricky: “Do you want the paper tomorrow?” “No, I’m alright.” Go on.

Karl: He gets up and they say, “Right, you know, today’s the day an’ that.” He says, “Well, you know, I’ve got-got used to the idea.” “So here’s-here’s the white line for ya.”

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: “Got used to the idea!”

Steve: Go on.

Karl: So, uh, so they go, “Right, you ready, then?” And he said, “Aye, go on.” And they cut his head off and… the body walked thirty-two steps without a head.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Wow.

Karl: Thirty-two steps.

Steve: Incredible.

Karl: And that’s-that’s-that’s the lesson, really.

Steve: Did it get as far as the white- it walked along the white line, did it?

Karl: Yeah, he stayed along the white line, did thirty-two steps and then started to stumble a bit and it just fell over.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But it was a test that your body can still keep alive for a little bit.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: When-when you’ve lost your head.

Ricky: Absolute twaddle.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Absolute twaddle.

Karl: What-what do you reckon you can do then without a head? How many steps?

Steve: Nothing!

Ricky: There’d be muscular spasm. Right?

Steve: It would twitch a bit.

Ricky: It would- yeah. You could not distinctly take thirty-two steps.

Karl: Mmm?

Ricky: The body could- well, don’t…

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Ohh. Is the doctor still on the line? The fella that bought six parrots and, uh… No, you couldn’t walk thirty-two steps.

Karl: Right, so you don’t believe that--

Steve: A beheaded man doing a bit of line dancing.

Karl: Right, you don’t believe that, but something that you do believe that a cockroach can live a week without a head.

Ricky: It can. Slightly different. Slightly different kettle of fish, there.

Karl: Why?

Ricky: Well, mmm. Insect to, uh, human is what I’m thinking. That difference.

Karl: There’s not that much difference--

Ricky: Well, of course there is.

Karl: Do you know that a snake has a heart and lungs and kidneys and stuff.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: No, well, I’m just saying.

Ricky: So?

Karl: You making it as if,like it’s a totally different, like--

Ricky: Species.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I am. I am making that. I mean, call me old-fashioned--

Steve: Rick, do you know what you’re talking about, there?

Ricky laughs

Steve: I don’t want you embarrassing yourself, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah. I am suggesting they’re totally different beings, yeah. That is- yeah. Now, um, Karl, th-th-the cockroach is-is a very different thing. The interesting thing there is that it lives, it lives without it’s head cause a lot of it’s on, uh, uh, uh- there’s- Some of ‘em are phototrophic, chemotrophic, some of ‘em just literally have, uh, irritation and muscle memory. I mean, they do have a central nervous system, but it-it-it-it’s very different. So if you lose the head, it bypasses a lot of that anyway. All this is running around. The reason they die is cause they can’t take on water. But it’s very different to a man, right, having consciousness and then losing that and the body still going, “Oh, I remember- I think I remember what I was going to do here--”

Steve: Yeah. “So I’ve got to walk along the line.”

Ricky: “I’m going to carefully walk thirty-two steps along this white line.” I imagine him just looking down going, “Oh, missed a bit.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, maybe the head was in the corner going, “Left!”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Left! Left! Oh, he’s now- ugh.”

Steve: Well, let’s just put it out. I mean, if-if-if anyone listening is, uh, has maybe had a relative--

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Beheaded, maybe in a horrendous car accident, but they got up. Maybe they-they went for a walk, uh, they, you know, they-they-they had a little chat before they passed on.

Ricky: Oh dear, Karl.

Steve: Get in touch!

Ricky: Oh, Karl. You-you are my favorite being. You are my favorite… species.

Steve: Now you, Karl, may not be particularly different genetically from a cockroach.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: You are, generally speaking--

Karl: But why do cockroaches do that? Why, whoever made ‘em, went--

Steve: Let’s play a record.

Ricky: Do you know what, when I told him this- I send him little facts on text message just to inflame his, you know, interest. I just sent him, “A cockroach can live nine days without his head”. He texted back, “What’s the point of that?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “What’s the point of that?”

Steve: They’re not doing experiments, these cockroaches. What’s the point?

Ricky: I know.

Karl: It’s a boring last week to have.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: And he went, “On top of all that, you’re thirsty.” So it’s the worst week of your life, innit, that week without your head?

Steve: Play a record.

Ricky: Play a record, Karl.

Steve: Competition time, next.

Ricky and Steve: Ooh!

Ricky: Look at his little face. Look at his little face.

Steve: If you’ve not heard Karl’s competition, oh ho ho!

Ricky: He could live without a head.

Song: Eminem - Cleaning Out My Closet

What's the Song 2

Ricky: (muffled) Eminem. A bit late there, weren’t you, Karl? Putting your little headphones on… “Cleaning Out My Closet”.

Steve: What are you doing?

Ricky: I’ve got my- stuffed my face with, um, toilet paper.

Steve: Oh--

Ricky: Do the, do the competition.

Steve: Yeah. Do you know we- when we were writing the TV show, um, I was filming it just for our own amusement, just to, sort of- I suppose more of as a document, really, so that if there was ever, you know, a court of, court of law that needed, uh, evidence of Ricky Gervais’s- I don’t know what it is, really. Sickness. Annoyance. He did this for about two hours. You see what he’s doing now? He’s stuffing his face with toilet roll--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um--

Ricky: And pushing the lips up so I can just show my teeth.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know that actually makes me want to be sick?

Steve: I know.

Ricky: Yeah, so he gagged a little bit.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It’s horrible.

Steve: Good. Well, while Ricky does that, Karl, it’s time for your quiz--

Ricky: See, this is what (unintelligible) telly.

Karl: Right, an example--

Steve: You’ve got to be quiet or take that toilet paper out of your mouth.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: I’m really serious--

Ricky: Alright.

Steve: Cause it’s really annoying.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Are you going to be quiet?

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Alright, an example of the game just in case people didn’t hear the launch of it last week. Um, it’s-it’s, uh, song title, um, I tell a little story and that song- and that little story is, uh, a song in it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So, um, say for example, um--

Ricky: (still muffled) What did you do last week?

Karl: What did we do last week?

Ricky: The woman who, uh--

Karl: Oh, yeah. A woman who really wants to, um, like have a bath cause she stinks.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But she can’t because if she had a bath or a shower or a wash or whatever she’d end up killing herself.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: No, you didn’t say that. You didn’t say she’d end up killing herself.

Steve: Well, anyway. As an example, that would be one of the stories. The answer there--

Ricky: Yeah, “She’s Electric”, yeah.

Karl: The answer there is “She’s Electric”.

Ricky: Yeah, go on then.

Karl: She couldn’t have a shower cause she would have wound up killing herself.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Alright? So this weeks, then. And don’t say it if you know it cause the idea is that people can--

Ricky: Alright.

Karl: Alright. Um, there’s this bloke and he-he buys a new house, right? And he’s well happy with it. His-his girlfriend moves in with him an’ stuff and she says, “Right, uh, you know. Let’s, uh, let’s-let’s clean it up a bit.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “And, uh, you know, straightaway it’ll be worth more money.”

Steve: Uh-huh. Good idea.

Karl: So she- he says, “You do the kitchen and I’ll do upstairs an’ that.” She’s stripping the kitchen down an’ that. He goes upstairs and he’s in the bedroom and notices a little-little hole to the attic.

Steve: Oh, right. Brilliant.

Karl: Right? So he goes, “Oh, I wonder how much room’s up there, you know. I’ve never weighed it up.” So he goes up there and it’s all, like, dusty and a mess. And he goes, “This would make a good bedroom, this." So he-he starts cleaning it all out. Puts all the rubbish, like, bins of rubbish straightaway and there's little boxes with bits in that don’t belong to him. “I wonder what’s in here?” Right? So he opens one of the boxes, there’s, like, a little lamp.

Steve: Oh, right.

Karl: And he goes, “This might be worth a few quid”, right? And he rubs it--

Steve: Magic lamp.

Karl: And all, like, all the room goes all sparkly an’ stuff. He goes, “Oh, what’s going on?” And then this fella appears, right? In a nice, sort of--

Ricky coughs

Karl: In a nice, sort of, uh, pair of 501s.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And he says, “What do you want?”

Ricky: I know it already. So all the, all the first bit is irrelevant.

Karl: Yeah, but it’s about building a story, innit? So don’t say anything. If you think you know it- Steve, do you know it?

Steve: I don’t, so I- just quickly, recap the end there. I almost missed the end there.

Ricky: Oh, God.

Karl: So, there you go. He’s in, he’s in the attic, right? His missus is still downstairs. She’s not up there.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Right, he’s on his own. And he cleans this lamp, right? And this-this fella appears out of all this smoke and he’s wearing a nice pair of 501s and he’s wearing a shirt. And, uh, there you go. Wha-what-what’s the song?

Steve: What song are you thinking of?

Karl: The lines are going mental--

Ricky: Cause it’s so easy!

Steve: Let’s-let’s play a record, Karl. We’ll come back and we’ll-we’ll find out if anyone’s got that right. That’s a great one, Karl. Really.

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Did you just come up with that, literally in the last ten minutes?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Genius.

Ricky giggles.

Steve: This is genius. Definitely. I mean, if those calls aren’t from major TV companies, I don’t know. I mean, it’s dynamite stuff.

Ricky: A lot of them are what’s-his-name’s lawyer. Simon Mayo.

Steve: Yeah, Simon Mayo.

Song: Oasis - Little By Little

Karl Laughs

Ricky: Oasis, “Little By Little”. That’s my favorite they’ve done for years.

Steve: Yeah, not bad, not bad.

Ricky: That’s great. Back to form, there. So, uh, yeah. Okay, line- the-the lines are going mental. Just cause it’s easy. Go on, then.

Steve: So I think--

Ricky: The first one’ll get it. The first one will get it, but--

Steve: Well, it’s not that, though, Rick. I mean, Karl has just decided to revise the actual rules of the competition.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So that, we've decided, is very easy. So that’s now a qualifier--

Ricky: And so then they have to answer one live.

Steve: Exactly. So whoever gets that one right--

Ricky: And is it a quick one, as well? Cause some people will lose the will to live.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just cut to the chase and, uh- Cause they got a qualifier now, we’ll throw in “The Office” DVD that already--

Steve: Yeah, you’ll sign that, won’t ya?

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Steve: No, no, no. It’s just--

Ricky: That increases value by forty-two pence.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Right, go on.

Karl: We’ll just go live, yeah? Hello, XFM.

Male Caller: Yeah, hi. How’s it going?

Karl: I’m not too bad.

Male Caller: Not too bad. Listen, um--

Steve: A very, very quick recap, Karl, if you will, please. For the, uh, for the, for the people listening.

Ricky: Very quick.

Karl: Right, um--

Steve: A man ends up in a loft--

Karl: A man’s- after moving into this house an’ that, eh, he’s in the loft and he’s tidying up. His missus is downstairs doing the kitchen cause that needed doing. He’s up there, he’s cleaning up, emptying the boxes--

Ricky sighs

Karl: He finds a little, like, a--

Ricky: He rubs a lamp. A fella comes out wearing 501s. What’s the song?

Karl: Wha-what’s the song, mate?

Male Caller: Are you talking to me?

Ricky and Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Sorry, yeah.

Male Caller: L-look, I’m-I’m sitting in this bar, right. I’m not ringing up relating to anything that’s going on right now. I’m after one of these arm bands to go and meet Bowie on Monday. Can you help me out?

Karl laughs

Steve: What!? What? Piss off!

Karl laughs

Ricky: You can’t say that to our public!

Steve: Yes, I can! Pe-what I can’t bear is-is people begging, Rick, on the radio.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know, I can’t bear it.

Ricky: Is that the Australian bloke--

Steve: People who scrounge around for stuff.

Ricky: Who’s got the Springsteen tickets?

Karl: Hello, XFM.

Ricky giggles

Female Caller: Hello.

Karl: Hello.

Steve: Are you phoning up for an armband?

Female Caller: No. “Jean Genie.”

Steve: No, okay, great.

Ricky: “Jean Genie”, course it is.

Steve: Well done.

Steve claps

Ricky: Well done.

Karl: Right, wha-what’s your name?

Ricky: So any-everyone else can, uh, uh, ring off now because, uh, this-this, uh--

Karl: Well, she might not take the challenge!

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: I’m sure she will.

Karl: Wha-what’s your name?

Female Caller: Hello?

Karl: What’s your name?

Female Caller: Christina.

Karl: Christina, right. Do you want to take on the challenge?

Christina: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Aw, well--

Ricky: So this is for- she’s already won a couple of CDs. This is for “The Office” DVD. Right, okay.

Steve: Signed by Ricky Gervais!

Ricky: Shut up!

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Go on, then.

Karl: So it’s the same game again, but--

Christina: Mm-hmm.

Karl: We're doing it live. Right?

Christina: Okay.

Karl: So--

Steve: Good luck.

Karl: This is a song title. Right? There’s this, um, there’s this insect--

Steve hoots

Steve: I’m loving it already.

Karl: Right?

Christina: Yeah.

Karl: And it’s, uh, it’s in it‘s, it’s in it‘s little, like, nest.

Christina: Mm-hmm.

Karl: And all the other insects, all its mates an’ that are really, like, working. They’re grafting hard, they’re tidying up. Some of them are going out, getting the food.

Steve: Some of ‘em haven’t even got friends, they’re still working.

Karl: Some of them are, like, you know, rushing around, but it’s this one insect that’s just sat there with it’s feet up. And it’s, like, you know, just doing nothing and it’s annoying all the other ones, but its sat there--

Steve: The Ricky Gervais bug.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: But it’s sat there doing nothing, having a little, like, fag an’ that. What’s the song?

Christina: I don’t know. Oh my God, I’m brainless.

Ricky: Um, hold on. I don’t know this, either. So, obviously it’s a type of insect. That’s why you’ve avoided saying what it is. So it’s, so it’s something like, “Lazy Ant”, “Lazy Bee”…

Steve: Well. Maybe we should throw it back open to the public.

Ricky: Aww, no, I want to help this- help this poor woman who’s called in and now have got a stupid one.

Karl: But Christina’s lost it now.

Steve: She’s lost it. No, she’s blown it, Rick.

Ricky: Oh!

Christina: Aww.

Steve: Sorry.

Ricky: It’s only cause you changed the rules halfway through it.

Christina: I haven’t got a DVD player anyway.

Karl: She hasn’t got a DVD player, so she’s not bothered.

Ricky: Okay, alright. Cheers, Christine.

Karl: Cheers, then, Christina.

Christina: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

Karl: See ya later. So--

Steve: So we can throw that back out then, can’t we?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I don’t know.

Ricky: Is there anyone on the phone? Yeah, go on. Take the next person.

Steve: So what was it? There was some bugs- there was a bug and one of ‘em wasn’t doing any work.

Karl: It’s-it- loads of ‘em are working really hard--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: This one’s just sat there doing nothing, annoying ‘em all, right? So, XFM?

Ricky: God…

Male Caller: Hello?

Karl: Hello?

Male Caller: Can I just say, it’s in Karl Pilkington’s mind.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh…

Ricky: I like him!

Karl: Hello, XFM.

Ricky: I like him.

Male Caller #2: Hello?

Karl: Hello?

Male Caller #2: Hi. Yeah, is it, um, “Animal Nitrate” by Suede?

Karl: No, it‘s not. Good answer. Good answer.

Steve: Is it a good answer?

Karl: Well…

Steve: That doesn’t make any sense, does it?

Ricky giggles

Ricky: It doesn’t. Oh no, like Karl does.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Hello, XFM?

Male Caller #3: Hello!

Karl: Hello.

Male Caller #3: Is it “Itchykoo Park?”

Karl: No. No.

Steve: “Itchykoo Park”?

Male Caller #3: Bugs are itchy, ain’t they?

Steve: Yeah, sure. I think you’re stabbing in the dark, there.

Ricky: They’re starting- they’re starting to think like Karl, which I like. Go on, next one.

Karl: Hello, XFM?

Male Caller #4: Hi, is it Scratch Perverts?

Karl: No, it’s not.

Steve: Scratch Perverts. He’s come out of nowhere, there.

Karl: It’s good.

Ricky: Is it something to do with lazy bug or lazy ant or--

Karl: Hello, XFM?

Ricky: Lazy bee?

Female Caller: Hello?

Karl: Hello!

Female Caller: Hi, is it “Beetlebum”?

Karl: Excellent.

Female Caller: Oh!

Steve: “Beetlebum”, of course. “Beetlebum” by Blur.

Karl: Sat around doing nothing, it’s a right bum.

Female Caller: Oh, okay. Don’t I win anything now?

Steve: Well done.

Karl: No, you don’t.

Ricky: Yes she does! She wins “The Office” DVD! Take her name and address.

Female Caller giggles

Steve: Signed by Ricky Gervais.

Karl: She doesn’t because she didn’t do the qualifier!

Ricky: She knew it was “Jean Genie”! Oh, Karl! Let someone win sommat. It’s painful enough listening to you for ten minutes!

Steve: Lads--

Ricky: Give away some things!

Steve: Lads, can we just calm down for a moment.

Ricky: God.

Steve: Once again--

Ricky: What?

Steve: I’ll just draw you to my point at the top of the show. When you were pissing about, outside in the office, we could have been working through this.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: We could have been figuring out the rules--

Ricky: What’s her name, who’s that?

Steve: We could have maybe had some music, some jingles.

Ricky: Who’s that? Who’s that, who’s that?

Karl: What’s- what’s your name again?

Steve: Can we do this off-air? It’s kind of awkward.

Ricky: Yeah, no, he’s not going to give out her name and address out. We’re rubbish.

Steve: This is so rubbish.

Ricky: We are really--

Steve: So rubbish.

Karl: What’s your name?

Female Caller: Dee. Dee.

Ricky: Dee.

Karl: Dee, right.

Ricky: Right, well play a record and we’ll get your address, Dee, and we’ll send you some stuff.

Dee: Thank you.

Steve: Excellent. Come in an hour early and you could sort this stuff out. It’s what I’ve been saying all along. I’ve been saying we should come in and do the preparation.

Ricky: I’ve got things to do!

Steve: Simon Mayo used to come in early. That’s why--

Ricky: He didn’t have to sleep and eat breakfast!

Steve laughs

Song: Eels - Mr. E's beautiful Blues

Song: Feeder - Come Back Around

Links

Ricky: “Come Back Around” by Feeder on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. And our producer there- I say producer. Um, Karl Pilkington. You alright?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Yeah, we got to, we got to slicken up this thing. If we’re gonna be as good as Mayo, we’ve got to, we’ve got to come in early and do the work.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Let’s get in at ten to one next week.

Steve laughs

Ricky: We’re not in here next week, are we?

Steve: Uh, no. I mean, we would be if it weren’t for the fact that you need a holiday already. You’ve done three weeks, but yeah, you need a little rest.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah. Um, well, I wasn’t on holiday last time. I was working.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Um, so you’re just going to do a “Best Of”, are ya?

Karl: Yeah. Just dig out some bits.

Ricky: Um, what are you going to do, just lump ‘em together?

Karl: Just, like, pick some-some favorite bits.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. That will fill up ten minutes.

Ricky: Well, do this- do this, then. Do the, do the links, then. So--

Steve: Well, why don’t we do some, sort of, stock links now?

Ricky: Okay, then.

Ricky fake laughs

Ricky: Do you remember that, Steve?

Steve fake laughs

Steve: Oh, that was a great moment. Yeah, great moment.

Ricky: Oh, I tell you what, though. I love the bit when he- well. Just play it.

Steve: Let’s just play it.

Ricky: Right, so you can play something there.

Karl: But can you do- do a proper intro so it’s like, you know, “104.9--

Ricky: Okay. Oh, uh, uh- Well uh, uh. You know what song we’re going to come out of?

Karl: Just say, just say it generic. Like, “That’s a good song.”

Ricky: Well, let’s- well, no, no. Let’s--

Steve: Let’s work out what it might be.

Ricky: Okay, okay. Well, sho- um, what do you want to start off next week with, then and I'll say--

Steve: Well, give him a few options.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Give him a couple of options.

Ricky: Okay, uh--

Steve: That was a great job by Oasis.

Ricky: Oh, um, uh- yeah. Oasis, there. Um- well, we’re not actually here today, Steve. We recorded these last week. Uh, I’m on holiday and what are you- you’re just probably chilling out.

Steve: Probably hanging out with a lady.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah? Um, but, uh--

Steve: Oh, leave me alone! Stop phoning ladies! You’re hassling me.

Ricky: This is like the, uh, “Best Of”, uh, the best of, uh, last year and we’re going to kick off with the classic clip. Who can forget this?

Steve: Oh ho ho ho!

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And then just weave that in.

Ricky: Yeah? And then come out of that, come into a record or sommat. So I come out of another record?

Karl: Just-just one more, in case I need it.

Ricky: Okay. Um… Uh, oh. I don’t know. Um… That was Bob the Builder there!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Shouldn’t- shouldn’t really be playing that on XFM, but--

Steve: Stupid, Karl. Stupid.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I don’t know what you were thinking, mate.

Ricky: You buffoon.

Steve: Yeah. You imbecile.

Ricky: Uh, okay. Aw, great track. I love that.

Steve: Yeah. Beautiful.

Ricky: Um, well--

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute.

Steve: Yeah, c’mon, let’s get these right. He needs to use these next week.

Ricky: Okay. Um, another great track--

Karl: Why don’t we just do this later?

Ricky: I’ve got to go! I’ve got to run away!

Steve: He’s got to shoot down to the airport.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but this isn’t going to work. It’s a mess!

Ricky: Well, just--

Ricky chuckles

Steve: It’ll be fine for this show!

Ricky laughs

Steve: It can slot right in, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And talking of a mess, mate; your competition.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was a shambles today. I mean, last week we gave it the benefit of the doubt because it was the first time we had done it, but you’ve got to think it through, mate! You can’t be making it up on the spot and that, changing the rules.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I’m sorry, mate. I mean, I know you did it with the best intentions, but it was, it was shoddy.

Ricky: I feel worried that people think we get Karl and everything, but--

Steve: That was appalling.

Ricky: Yeah, it was terrible.

Steve: It was interminable. He’s got to compress those stories. He’s got to tighten them right up.

Ricky: He gets paid something like thirty quid extra for this, as well. So, I mean, he’s-he’s getting good money for it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, listen, right? You say that we got to compress it, right? I- the way I look at that competition is like “Columbo”, right? The murder bit at the end is done in, like, three minutes. But you drag it out for an hour--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Karl: So you sort of make it exciting and, “Oh, I wonder where he’s going with this”.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And it worked, you know. Dee- Dee Hudson, she’s walking away with a DVD. She’s happy.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Dee’s fine. She’s the only one who’s gained. Everyone else has had a miserable time.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, course she’s happy. She’s won something! What about the listeners?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There’s no entertainment for them.

Ricky: I mean, they’re loving it now, cause me and Steve are ruining- this is scintillating stuff!

Steve: Yeah, this is dynamite stuff.

Ricky: This is amazing stuff. Talking about how we’re not going to be here next week and doing next weeks links!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Cause I can’t be bothered to come in early. Um, okay there. Uh, wow, excellent. Um, well, it’s, uh- that’s quarter to two, Steve, on XFM, 104.9

Steve: I’ve enjoyed this wonderful collection of our greatest moments.

Ricky: Yep, there’s still more to come!

Steve: You’ll be next back- back next week, won’t you?

Ricky: Yeah, I’ll be, I’ll be back next week. Okay, I’m gonna do the last one. Well, I hope you enjoyed, um, some of the “Best Of” moments, there with, uh--

Karl: I’m not going to use these.

Ricky: Why not!?

Karl: They’re a mess. Forget it. Just forget it. We’ll- forget it. We’ll do it in a bit when you’re done.

Ricky: I’m not- I cannot do it.

Karl: When’s your plane?

Ricky: It doesn’t matter when the plane is. I’ve got to--

Karl: We can do it in a bit.

Ricky: I’m definitely not doing it.

Karl: I’m not, I’m not wasting me time going through that.

Ricky and Karl continue to argue as the song fades in

Song: Suede - Stay Together

Is This the Worst Show We've Ever Done?

Ricky: My favorite Suede song, there. “Stay Together”, by Suede. “Stay Together”.

Steve: Well done. Well done.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s what you’re being paid for.

Ricky: Well, no cause it could have been a Suede song sung by Atomic Kitten.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And I could have said, “That’s my favorite Suede song by Atomic Kitten.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So…

Steve chuckles

Steve: Thanks for that.

Ricky: Do you think this is the worst show we’ve ever done?

Steve: Um, no. I mean, we’ve done some god-awful shows in the past.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: I mean some real grim ones in the past.

Ricky: Okay. Do-do you think people see through it even before we tell ‘em that we’re not really cutting the mustard.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Putting the effort in. We’ve got- we had nothing to say last week.

Steve: No, I don’t think anyone’s fooled.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: I think some people are tolerating us because they quite like your TV work, but, I mean, other than that I think--

Ricky: And we play good music. We don’t skimp on the tunes.

Steve: But if I was listening to this, I’d be thinking I could do a better job. I’d be livid. If I worked in, like, some- if I worked in, like, a bakery or something--

Ricky giggles

Steve: And I was like, “I hate this job”, and I was listening to us gibbiling about on the radio, I’d be livid. I’d be angry.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Yeah. I mean, if this was a BBC show, I’d-I’d- oh. I’d go mental.

Ricky: Why? Why would BBC--

Steve: Cause I’d be paying a license fee and everything, so.

Ricky: Oh, okay.

Steve: It’d feel like it was my money being squandered.

Ricky: But we’d have--

Steve: At least this is advertisers’ money being squandered.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: You know, this is big corporation- screw them!

Ricky: Yeah. And people- they haven’t paid, anyway, have they?

Steve: A lot of them haven’t.

Ricky: They probably paid for the batteries in their radio.

Steve: Maybe, if they’re listening, yeah.

Ricky: Sorry about that.

Steve: Yeah. Well, I feel guilty just for wasting their time, Rick.

Ricky: But next week’s gonna be a clip show, again!

Steve: Yeah, there’s going to be a clip show.

Ricky: That Karl’s going to do. We decided that Karl’s going to just do the links next week by himself.

Steve: Well, maybe get a guest, guest, uh, hosting, uh, you know, like, what was that guy- Denis Norden?

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: A Norden type.

Ricky: You know, um, in the Sony Awards, you hand in one show, don’t ya?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: We could hand in next week’s, couldn’t we, cause it was broadcast in this year. It’s just a clip show from years ago. You know, cause you could hand in “I Love 1975”, couldn’t ya, in the BAFTAs or something.

Karl: Yeah, you could.

Ricky: Yeah. So should we- are you, are you- you’re even bored, aren’t you? You’re bored with this show, as well. This is a terrible attitude.

Karl: I’m just--

Ricky: We’re allowed to be bored. We’re the, we’re the talent, right?

Karl: I thought you were going to give us, like, ten minutes after the show to do ‘em, but--

Ricky: I can’t! I’ve got to go!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Do you want to wrap it up, Steve, cause Ricky’s taxi might be waiting now? So--

Ricky: No--

Steve: Listen to this attitude, Rick. Are you going to put up with that? Tell him who you are.

Ricky: I-I just don’t believe it. They-they should be chomping at the bit to- they can’t believe their luck.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Sure, sure.

Ricky: And do I get treated, at least, different? No.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Worse!

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Answers on a postcard if you can figure out what that sentence meant.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And that’d be a DVD on it’s way to you. Listen, um, we had an e-mail from Glen and Sharon and Sharon was rushed into hospital last week and they want us to play something for, uh- she’s back now and she’s okay, but, uh, anyway. They always listen to the show and they’re big fans and they asked for some Nick Drake. I’ll play some Nick Drake next time, but, um, but instead I thought we could play a classic Dylan track.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I know you’re a big fan of Dylan.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Just Like a Woman” and it’s just beautiful and that’s my song for the ladies. We won’t see you next week. Ricky’s away, but their should be a hilarious, um, compilation of all our best moments.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Song: Bob Dylan- Just Like a Woman