07 December 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

They Won't Even Press Record

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Science of Silence" on XFM 104.9. I love that.

Steve: Yes. Concur.

Ricky: He's one of my favorite artists now, I just think... I- he's so- I don't know why he's not ballistic.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: He's got everything. He's got- one of our best rock stars.

Steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: (Laughing) Hello there!

Ricky: You're Steve Merchant.

Steve: I am indeed.

Ricky: Ehhh, Karl Pilkington, over there. (Loudly) Big day today!

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeh, for Karl. He hasn't been looking forward to it, he's been whingin' in the week. A couple of things: he thinks he's overworked, he thinks he- he thinks he's overworked here and he's stressed and he's got to do DIY. MTV are coming im- in, right, to give him the chance of a- a lifetime to do a- just a little screen test and he's going, "Well, I'm not gonna look good, am I? They're not gonna-", I go, "Why?", he said, "Well, I've got a round head and I'll be wearin' headphones".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And uhh, he's- he's not made an effort, he thinks, "Ooh, I'll put 'em off", he said, "They won't even press 'Record'". He's got a spot on his head.

Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Ricky: I mean...You know wh- also--

Steve: Karl, you're not looking forward to it? You're not excited about it? It's a great oppurtunity.

Karl: Why's it a great oppurtunity?

Ricky: To get on MTV?!

Karl: No but--

Ricky: It's money for old rope.

Steve: Presenting.

Karl: No but look what's happened to people like, umm, Jeremy Speak or whatever his name is and all that.

Ricky: Jeremy Spake, yeah.

Karl: Yeah and ummm--

Ricky: Yeah. Slightly different. Slightly different.

Karl: Why is it?

Ricky: Well...

Karl: See?

Ricky: Y- you're- you're makin' it in the industry and you've got- you've got something to give, he- he happened to be around while they were filming an airport.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Yeah, well--

Ricky: Do you see the difference?

Karl: All right, the other one then, who's on a boat.

Pause

Ricky: Same thing--

Steve: She's doing very well!

Ricky: Although at least she had a skill. She had a skill, you know, she can sing. You know...

Karl: Well she- she's c- I d- I d- I think it can all go wrong... d'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well of course it can. So can sitting in your little room moanin' about nothing happening in the world. You know he- he wanted to stop "Educating Ricky" cuz nothing had happened. He said- he said, "Look what happened last week - I scoured the net...", he said, "all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar."

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: I'll tell you what: there aint much more going on this week.

Ricky: Well you're talkin' sh- listen, me and Steve... yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong and we've come up with two of the most incredible things.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: I told you about- they're amazing. So there are things out there or s- just- j- but go for truth- go for truth and science and discovery--

Karl: Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do, yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Fact is- is stranger than fiction. You don't have to resert- revert to, sort of like, God and ghosts.

Karl: I know, yeah. I know, yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Karl: But the funny thing is... do you know, like, the last couple of weeks I been sayin' there's not much going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I found out, when I was looking that there was a day in 1930... right, it was a Good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on...

Ricky Begins To Laugh

Karl: They had to put a music video on or something.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Quietly

Karl: On the telly. Because there was nothing going on.

Ricky: Play a record. We're gonna play some classic tracks today. This is d- "Debaser".

Song: Pixies - Debaser

A Good Way of Promoting This Show

Ricky: Pixies, "Debaser". I was looking forward to playing that, came in, said, "Karl, play that-", lookin-... he put it on... uhh... Lauren just called through and said we played that in the last half hour.

Steve: Mm. Embarrassing.

Ricky: Uh, yeah.

Steve: It's really embarrassing.

Ricky: So, what is the point of having a producer if he doesn't check things out. So, I mean, it's a good track, I mean, I'm sorry if you heard that twice in the last hour.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on, go on. You were going to say sommat?

Karl: So you expect me to listen to everything all the time? I've been running around- I get in early on a Saturday--

Ricky: Well you got in around the same time as me.

Karl: I g- I went out and bought you some biscuits, so you're happy...

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I put the coffee on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I sorted what prizes we're gonna give away, I've been running to the library getting you certain tracks--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I can't listen all the time. I'm doing me best!

Steve: Ahh, I'm just not sure it's good enough, Karl.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I mean, I'm worried when MTV come in, if they've heard this kind of shoddy production, they're gonna start to wonder why--

Ricky: Is it a--

Karl: Well they play the same songs every five minutes anyway.

Ricky: Yeah sorry you're so overworked because you were on Zoe Ball's show talking.

Steve: Oh hello! What's going on here?!

Ricky: Well I was--

Steve: He was excl- he was exclusively to be on our show--

Ricky: Well I was in the ca- I was in the car--

Steve: I seem to remember, Rick, he was- he was a nobody--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That got a chance to come on air and talk about things and now he's getting auditioned for MTV!

Ricky: And guess what he was- guess what he was talkin' about on Zoe's show.

Steve: Oh hello.

Ricky: All the jellyfish stuff and all that... kind of stuff...

Steve: I can't believe it! Recycling--

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Material that he did on this show!

Ricky: Yep.

Ricky: I phoned in- I phoned in, right, and I went, "Stop doing material on Zoe's B-", right. He just hung up on me.

Steve: That is j--

Karl: Well I had a job to do!

Steve: Who do you think you are?!

Karl: Look--

Steve: Your ego has just gone through the roof!

Karl: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

Steve: What?!

Karl: I had a job to do in the week, they asked me to drive the desk for Zoe, right.

Ricky: They didn't say talk!

Karl: Zoe... if she talks to ya, you can't just ignore her!

Steve: Yes you can!

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: No you can't.

Steve: Who is she?!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Ah, well...

Steve: Who does she think she is? You made a promise to us - a pact - that you are our, kind of...

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: Monkey.

Karl: Yeah, but what do I do? If someone takes time off, I've got to do it. It's me job.

Ricky: It's not your job.

Steve: Yeah but you don't have to talk. You don't have to use--

Ricky: You're the head of production. We've given you this special gig. This is like taking you out weekends...

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: And we- you know, if we find out you're gettin' too much excitement in the week, we'll have to just calm it down...

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Get another little--

Karl: Well that's it anyway, it was only last week.

Ricky Exhales

Steve: Do you know, I feel like, kind of sullied, I feel betrayed. It's like you were having an affair behind our backs--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And you rumbled it.

Ricky: He was doin' all the stuff, he was doin' all this- like, "Ooh, yeah, jellyfish and this and jelly fish that..."

Karl: Yeah because she was askin'! And I thought it was a good way of promotin' this show, actually.

Steve: Oooooh convenient!

Ricky: Did you mention this show?!

Karl: Yeah, I did at some point.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Did ya? What did you say?

Karl: I just said, uhh, "More about that on Saturday afternoons".

Ricky: So you talked twice - I only heard you talk once. So you're talkin' all the time, are you?

Karl: Well, about five times in the week.

Ricky Starts To Laugh

Karl: In the full week - five times.

Steve: Deary me.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And one- it was just stuff that--

Ricky: You could never be a monk, could ya? Chattin' away all the time.

Karl: Well..

Karl Sighs

Ricky: Right, what have you got?

Steve: I blame Ball as well, to be honest.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I feel Ball is slightly responsible for it.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, you know, gibbon to get on the show.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, kind of, you know, loser, then... don't start stealing ours.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: It's outrageous.

Karl: Well, comin' up, right--

Ricky: Yeah, maybe we'll get Fatboy Slim in.

Steve: Indeed!

Ricky: Next... Saturday. If you're listenin', umm, Slim--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Come in on the show.

Steve: What's his name? Ernie or something?

Ricky: (Laughing) What's his name?

Karl: Norman.

Steve: Norman.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: "Ernie"!

Steve: Yeah. I don't know.

Ricky: (Still Laughing) Ah that's great "Ernie Ball".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he--

Steve: He probably wouldn't change his name. Ernie Cook

Ricky: Ernie Cook, that's it yeah. (Laughing) That's great!

Karl: Anyway...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Coming up today, uhh, we have got "Educating Ricky"...

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Rrright. Is this the last one? You've promised it might be.

Karl: Uhhm, I believe there's a book out... that might help me with this feature--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: So we'll see how it goes, we might- I was thinkin' of new features in the week. I've got, uhh--

Ricky Coughs

Karl: What did I come up with? I wanted to do "Celebrity Fact Club".

Steve: (Laughing) "Celebrity Fact Club". All right.

Karl: I've just got to get some celebrities in first.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Before we can kick that off so maybe in the new year.

Ricky: Ball and Cook.

Steve: Maybe Zoe Ball, yeah.

Ricky: Ball and Cook. Start off.

Karl: Maybe. Right, and I've also got, uhh--

Ricky: "Cook and Ball Stories".

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's nice.

Karl: Good one.

Ricky: (Laughing) Cheers.

Karl: Uhhm...

Ricky: Thanks Karl!

Steve: Yeah. Maybe you could sell that to Zoe's show!

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky Pounds The Desk

Karl: And, umm, I'm also thinkin', "Through The RicKey Hole".

Steve: "Through The RicKey Hole", okay.

Ricky: Yeah. What's that?

Karl: That's uhh... I haven't quite--

Ricky: No, you've just got the title again, haven't ya?! Yeah. Okay, play a record.

Karl: So, uhh, "Rockbusters" coming up as well. All right?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Song: Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit

Win The Best of the Weather

Ricky: Wu-Tang Clan, "Gravel Pit" on XFM 104.9--

Steve: We're playing some great music today, Rick--

Ricky: Yeah but--

Steve: I wonder if we should maybe... uh, you know, it's getting towards Christmas--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Think about others. Should we dedicate this show to all the people in the world who maybe are less priviledged and less, uhh, fortunate than us.

Ricky: No.

Steve: No? Okay.

Ricky: Um, d- do the prizes for the, uhh--

Steve: Prizes? Okay. (Walking Away From Microphone) So screw those who are less fortunate is what TV's Ricky Gervais thinks.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Uhmm, Rick, I know you're a big fan, uhh, of the likes of Brian Adams, (Laughs) Robert Palmer, uh, Alien Ant Farm and, uh, obviously, ehmm, ZZ Top.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so you'll be enjoying "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World".

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Volume 2.

Ricky: Yeah, sure.

Steve: Fantastic.

Ricky: Volume 1 (Coughs) wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.

Steve: No. Okay--

Ricky Coughs

Steve: Again, we seem to be able to give one of these away every week. Are you just not sending these out? I mean, these are the same prizes we started this game with, I think, a couple of weeks back. Are you just not sending the prizes out?

Karl: Yeah, but I want to give, like, more people a chance cuz if- if one week they listen in and think, "God, I wouldn't mind winnin' that--"

Steve: Sure.

Karl: If you- if you've got more copies of it, they'll go, "Well, I'll listen next week."

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So again this is, uh, one of those, uhm, "The Best Songs You've Heard On An Advert Ever" albums.

Ricky: Mainly- mainly mobile phones?

Steve: Mainly mobile phone adverts, yeah. Although there is the, uh, Smashmouth one which is used in the Ford Fiesta TV advert.

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "Walking On The Sun" or something?

Steve: I forget what it is.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Uhm, the Smashing Pumpkins album that we've given away in the past again.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Obviously got a bulk order of those that can't shift them. Uhhmm, "Wild Weather", I don't know who's interested in this. This is, uh--

Ricky: Is that a double box set VHS of different weather?!

Steve: (Laughing) It appears to be, yeah.

Ricky: Ah, that's amazing!

Steve: There's two cassette tapes there, it's presented by Donal MacIntyre.

Ricky: THAT is amazing! How long is- that's a--

Steve: "It's a thrilling trip with the most exciting forces of our wild and turbulent world. Clouds, rainstorms--"

Ricky: So- so I'm right in saying it's- it's a double VHS video set of different weather?

Karl: There's stuff like tornadoes an' that!

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Yep, no, it's got- I mean it includes the fastest winds--

Ricky: Ohhh, you're joking!

Steve: The hottest desert, ehm and the biggest rain machine on the planet. That's on there, I think you have to--

Ricky: Ohhh, God. I- I wonder if they're- I hope they're bringing out another box set... "Soil"

Steve: Yeah, absolutely.

Ricky: Just go through different... "Mud".

Steve Laughs

Steve: And, uhh, and this maybe of interest - I read good reviews of the, uhh- the DVD of this - it's, uhh, a two-disc set: "The Wicker Man"--

Ricky: Oh, right, great film, yeah.

Steve: The classic seventies film. It's got a bunch of extras on there.

Ricky: That is actually quite a good film.

Steve: So, that- that's actually worth having. I'd probably throw the rest away or pawn that over on someone at Christmas.

Ricky: But "The Wicker Man" get that on DVD and it's, yeah, quite- it's very interesting.

Steve: Yeah. But, you'll enjoy that. So, uhh--

Ricky: So "Rockbusters" is it?

Karl: Yeah, all- all that's for "Rockbusters".

Ricky: Brilliant. Well, let's- let-l- I say get the ball rolling now.

Karl: What, of "Rockbusters"?

Ricky: Yeah get the ball rollin'.

Steve: I don't know, I mean, tease them, Rick, don't, you know- don't s- don't, sort of, spunk all the good stuff early on, I mean--

Ricky: Well...

Steve: That's dynamite.

Ricky: You- you can say, "Spunk". I can't.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Well- well we've got, ummm- actually it's quite good, movin' it about because we might have some new listeners here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I wouldn't of thought so.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Not after last week!

Karl: Ehhm, right, okay, so if you haven't heard it before I give you some initials- it work- you know it's like initials of an artist or a band--

Ricky: It's "Blockbusters"!

Karl: And- and a cryptic clue to who the band is. It's two easy ones, one difficult one.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Karl: First one is: uhmm, "That'll never get off the ground."

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: "That'll never get off the ground". The initials?

Karl: "That'll never get off the ground", is the clue. And--

Ricky: Not L.Z.

Karl: The initials are L.Z.

Ricky: You are joking.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Two easy ones!

Ricky: Right. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah? Right and then you've got, uhhm, "That woman's got her husband's gloves and a pair of her own".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: All right?

Steve: Say it again.

Karl: "That woman has got a pair of her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own". That's H.H. All right? That's a bit of a difficult one. And then the, uhh- the last one: "You'll get a lo-", uhhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!" Right?

Steve: You'll get what?

Karl: "... a right load of bacon off them".

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: Ehmm, that's L.

Steve: L.

Ricky Snorts

Karl: So, uhh, once again--

Steve: "You'll get a right load of bacon off of them".

Karl: "You'll get- you'll get a right load of bacon off them".

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So, first one: "That'll never get off the ground" - L.Z., uhh, "That woman has got her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own", that's H.H.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And, uhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!", that's L. So...

Steve: And it's an email only competition.

Karl: Email only, uhh, [email protected] and we pick a winner before the end... So...

Steve: And you can win those great prizes--

Ricky: And you can win... "The Wicker Man"--

Steve: "The Weather"--

Ricky: "The Best of the Weather- Weather"--

Steve: (Laughing) "The Best of the Weather"!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Now that would be amazing.

Steve: "The Best of the Weather".

Ricky: As a compilation, Channel 4.

Steve: Yeah. Exactly. "Winds: Light to Variable".

Ricky: (Laughing) "I Love 1976 Weather".

Steve: Remember this one from August, 1979?

Ricky: Warm innit?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, this is warm, innit?!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, Karl!

Steve: "The Best of the Weather".

Ricky: I'll tell you what: you remember how we always play, like, great music usually?

Steve: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Ricky: I mean--

Steve: Ah, you're not- you're not gonna- have you--

Ricky: I'm gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is David Bowie - "Drive-In Saturday".

Steve: Awwww, he's done it again.

Ricky Giggles

Song: David Bowie - Drive-In Saturday

Do We Need These?

Steve: (Eating) Pwha- I'm in the- I'm having the same problem.

Ricky: I know. Been eating a biscuit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh, David Bowie, "Drive-In Saturday".

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: That's a great track isn't it?

Steve: Mmm!

Ricky: A crash course for the ravers, eh? That's what this show is, innit Karl? Crash course for the ravers. The tune in and they go, "That's- that's so cool. I wish I was like Karl Pilkington."

Pause

Karl: You reckon?

Ricky: Yeah. Definitely. You forgot to read your mum's clues out, didn't ya?

Karl: Yeah she's uhh--

Ricky: This is just for fun only. This is Karl's mum's. She, uhh, she listened one week and now she sends him a little example of what-- "Rockbusters" every week.

Karl: She's got, umm... what did she send? Umm--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "This group would go well with your Christmas dinner".

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Cranberries?

Karl: Yeh. Ehmm, "They make a few good cupboards".

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: "They make a few good cupboards"?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Ehh--

Steve: The Carpenters.

Ricky: The Carpenters. I was thinking of EMF.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uhh, what else?

Steve: I was thinking, "B&Q? The B&Qs?"

Karl: Uhh, "This group thinks of lots of things".

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: "This group thinks of lots of things".

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Uhh, go on.

Karl: Imagination.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Uhh...

Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing

Karl: I think they're the best ones.

Ricky: Yeah, no-n-n--

Steve: Well, if they're the best ones, let's hear the others.

Ricky: N-N-N- Karl, obviously we want the worst ones then!

Karl: Uhh, here's one more: uhh, "She'd really like Blackpool".

Steve: "She'd really like Blackpool"... "She'd really like Blackpool".

Karl: Fairground Attraction... Not bad.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Not bad.

Ricky: Right, so uhh, there's uh, a--

Steve: Does she write anything else in the letter? Or does she just send them on, like, a- scawled on the back of--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: You know, I don't know, a till receipt.

Karl: She did with the first one, now it's just- just the "Rockbusters". So...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: (Giggling) Really?

Steve: She doesn't bother asking how you are or...

Karl: And I speak to her in the week on the phone so...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: It doesn't- doesn't matter.

Steve: What kind of conversations would you have then with your mum? What kind of stuff--

Ricky: What do you say? Do you moan about how overworked you are and stuff to her?

Karl: Uh,,,,, I just- I mean, they're always surprised when I'm getting in late and that. It's like, you know, "What have you done today?", "Oh, I'm just getting home from work", and it's half past eight at night.

Ricky: A lot of people get home at half eight, Karl. Next.

Karl: It's, you know, uhh... just sayin', "How's the flat goin'?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Askin' me dad some DIY tips the other day.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: Uhhm, you know, usual sort of stuff--

Steve: Mm.

Karl: You talk about with your mum and dad, really.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhh, talkin' about the bisons with 'em.

Steve: With what?

Karl: I was wachin', uhh- did you watch "The Mammals" in the week?

Ricky: No, I'm a s--

Karl: David Attenborough.

Steve: No.

Karl: I was thinkin', actually, right, with all this MTV stuff--

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: If there's one reason why I'd like to do it--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is... I was watchin' Attenborough, the- the mammals program - I reckon I could do something like that.

Steve: Right.

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Steve: Right.

Karl: And just have- have, like, me and instead of Attenborough y-you know, a young, sort of, fresh person.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, watching, like uhhm, certain animals and saying, "Do we need these?"

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve: Right.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) OH God! What'd you call it, "Death on Earth"?

Karl: Well just--

Ricky: That- that's amazing! "Do we need these?"

Karl: No, no, cuz there's loads of stuff--

Steve: And the audience at home- vote- would there be some kind of telephone vote?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, like a vote-out system.

Ricky: (Calming Down) Awwww, that--

Karl: The thing is--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's like, Att- something interesting that Attenborough was saying the other night on uhh--

Ricky: (Starts Laughing Again) "Do we need these?"

Karl: On Jonathan Ross' show, on his telly show, right, was sayin', uhh, he said, "You could... take all the humans off the earth and it would carry on but take, like, some animals off it and mammals and that... you got problems on your hands".

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: I thought that's quite interestin'.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: So it's like, the question is, "Do we need these?...Is that part of the big thing". Like jellyfish--

Ricky: Yeh!

Karl: We've talked about jellyfish.

Ricky: Yeh!

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So which mammals in particular were you watching evolve?

Ricky: You talked about it on Zoe Ball's show, didn't ya?

Karl: Eh?

Steve: Which mammals, uhh, were you thinking we don't need when you watched the show the other night?

Karl: Uhmm...

Steve: Any in particular that you thought, (Whispers) "We don't need them, they're not of interest."

Karl: Well I like- I like whales but I don't know what they do.

Ricky Chuckles Quietly

Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay.

Karl: And they're- they're taking up quite a lot of room.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But stuff like--

Ricky: (Laughing) "They're taking up quite a lot of room"!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But, like, uhhmm... jellyfish I looked into because...

Steve: Yeah, what are they- yeah.

Karl: You know, I was talkin' about 'em. And, uhh, they were sayin' they've got no eyes, no heart--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Uhh, they're something like 97% water.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Continues To Giggle

Karl: Ehhm, they're blind and they do about 33 miles a day.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So it's like, do we need them? Could we clear them out?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Still Giggling) What, a big net?

Karl: What- that- that would be the program: what- what- "Right, we'll get rid of them, uhh, next week we'll be looking at...", uhh--

Steve: Rhinos.

Ricky: (Laughing) I think it's genius. Honestly, I think it's genius. And like, goin' along, sort of like, pickin' up sea anemones and goin'- and just lobbin' 'em into the sea.

Karl: Well, what do you think about MTV doin' that and then I just, in between the bits--

Steve: Play music videos?

Karl: I play music--

Steve: That relates to--

Karl: That relates to fish. So I could play, like, Phish--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That rock guy or The Animals.

Steve: Rock- "Rock Lobster".

Karl: Yeah. Or, uhh, what else could I--

Steve: This could run and run.

Karl: What other songs have got animals in them?

Ricky: Well--

Karl: The Monkees. I could play The Monkees.

Ricky: Yeah, there's about a million so let's not start this.

Karl: No but, d'ya know what I mean? So--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So- but- so, "Do We Need This".

Steve: So MTV flies you around the world--

Ricky: And he--

Steve: To the most incredible exotic locations, you sort of climb up a tree or whatever next to - I don't know what lives up a tree - some kind of rare parrot--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Sloth... a sloth.

Steve: You look at that, you say, "Oh, it's colorful, it's interesting--"

Ricky: Oh, you like sloths though, don't ya?

Karl: No, they just live up trees but I'd say, "Do we need them?"

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Well, what do they do?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) What do you mean, "What do they do?". What do you want from an animal? Carpentry? What do you want?

Karl: Well, I don't- I don't like scorpions, right--

Ricky: Right.

Karl: But then, I found out they look after those, uhh, those monkey things.

Ricky: They're not monkeys, they're lizards!

Karl: Whatever. Well, all right, yeah, then lizards. They look after lizards.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) "They look after..."

Karl: So there's a reason.

Ricky: But- but, "Do you need the lizard?", would be your next question.

Karl: Yeah, because the local people made shoes out of 'em.

Ricky: But not when the scorpion protect them, they didn't.

Karl: All right, we don't need 'em then.

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So- and so ultimately you- would anyone decide, I mean, do the animals, kind of, get a chance to mount a case for their survival? I mean is there maybe someone that comes in that come into their corner and defends them?

Karl: Yeah- yeah- n- I'd have- I'd have like a David Attenborough-type character--

Steve: Right.

Karl: Who says, "Well it does this..." and I'll go, "Yeah, but do we need that doin'?"

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Okay so what- what does an animal need to do in order for you to feel that it sort of gets a chance of- of life. I mean, like a pet, like an animal like a dog, maybe or a cat, I mean they give a certain affection to its owner, is that a valid, uhh, reason to survive?

Pause

Steve: Not particularly for you?

Karl: Uhh, not really.

Steve: No. Okay.

Karl: I mean, sayin' that though, blind people use dogs, so they are useful.

Steve: So dogs are useful. St. Bernards, they can save people - don't they - in snowy weather.

Karl: Farmers use dogs. Yeah. Cats... I'd have to think about it.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Keep the mice down.

Karl: Yeah, but you got Rentokill.

Steve: Okay.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: What I'm saying is- what I'm saying is, something that will affect the world.

Ricky: Right, I think you'll find everything does. I think you'll find everything does.

Steve: Mmm, except Karl.

Ricky Laughs Loudly

Steve: I'm not sure what effect he's having on the world.

Karl: I'll tell you what, though Steve, right, did you watch "The Mammals"?

Steve: I didn't see "The Mammals".

Karl: They had, uhh- they had bison on it.

Steve: Right.

Karl: The weirdest looking things you've ever seen.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: They've really--

Ricky: Again, you're on dangerous ground, here, Karl.

Karl: No, no, no, no, they've really got a- it's like... decide what you want to look like.

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: It's just a mismatch of stuff. It's got a really big hairy head--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Ehm, --

Ricky: (Laughing) Unlike you!

Karl: Sort of, bald at the back--

Steve: Right.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Uhh, sort of--

Steve: It sounds like someone you went to school with.

Karl: All right.

Ricky Laughs Loudly

Ricky: Was there two of 'em?

Coldplay - In My Place Begins To Play

Ricky: (Laughing) AAAAH brilliant!

Ricky Continues Laughing

Song: Coldplay - In My Place

Annoyed That They're Not True

Song: The Streets - It's Too Late

Steve: From the album "Original Pirate Material", that's obviously The Streets and, uh, an album track from that, "It's Too Late". Fantastic isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I know everyone's raving about it being, you know, one of the albums of the year, but it is, I think.

Ricky: It's great. That's brilliant. I l- love- love the backing as well.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: It's just so good- the- the lyrics are- things he come- w- i- t- ah, they're my favorite band of the year. Uhm, next week then, we'll do all our favorite songs of the year, shall we?

Steve: Mm, no I think it's got to be two week's time, isn't it?

Ricky: Oh, two weeks is it?

Steve: Yeah two for Christmas--

Karl: Yeah, I'm away next week as well.

Ricky: What do you mean you're away next week? What are you doing, Zoe Ball's show?

Karl: I'm going- going up north again.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: So Claire's going to be here with you.

Ricky: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah, at least she--

Steve: What are you doing up north?

Ricky: She does her job.

Karl: Just, uhh, Suzanne's dad's birthday.

Steve: All right.

Karl: So...

Steve: I bet he's a party animal. I've heard they really kick off. Don't they? Is it, yeah? Mental?

Karl Mumbles

Steve: You gonna be ravin'?

Karl: Can't concentrate now.

Ricky: Ooh, he's all stressed cuz the lady from MTV's here. She's gonna film his little face.

Steve: So what--

Ricky: The thing- the things he said in the week, he was so worried. He was going- worried about the spot on his head- that won't come out- just so- she's got your best side.

Karl: Just so she stays on that side. That's all right.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. The camera's out. Look, he's getting nervous now. Okay Karl, ignore the camera, okay. Just ignore the camera, okay. Now, me and Steve have done our research for ya and we've got two amazing things to tell you. What should I tell him first - about the baby or the...crabs?

Steve: Well they're both equally fascinating, so you- you choose.

Ricky: Uhm, I'll tell you the crab thing first, right. Uhm, we- Steve actually saw this thing in The Guardian, in the week, uh, about a research thing and then we looked up- we looked into it on Friday and it is incredible. Right, listen to this. There's, uhh, a thing in umm- umm in a bay in, umm, uhh, New England, right, where it's like the biggest, um, uh- they make silicon chips and stuff for computers, right. And cuz of the data protection thing, after they've d- done them, because they have to destroy the plates, right, where the information's, sort of, put onto them. But they're still flakes of silcon, they sort of grind it down straight away and some of the flakes got into the bay, okay. But, some of the information's still on the- even the s- slight granules of silicon. Anyway, gets in the water and silicon is rather like, um, a carbon derivative. They reckon if there'd been life on another planet that wasn't carbon-based, it'd be silcon-based. Cuz... simple sugars and protoz- it's just COH and that and it can work with silcon, right. Anyway, the crabs have been taking up- this gets underwater, and they- they looked out on the beach and, uhh- over the years the crabs had started, umm, sort of, putting themselves in formations like geometric forma- and they couldn't work it out why they were doing this. And uhh, when they put them in the experiment they, sort of, like, chopped 'em up and they found they'd taken on silicon... and it had, sort of, got into their brain and they were downloading information - they actually- they picked up little things because it's just chemical, umm, you know like, w- electrical impulses it'd... got information off the silcon chip and they were interfacin' it but - this is the amazing thing - one bloke, sort of, thought of this and he thought, "Well, if- if this is a simple computer, the brain, if it's just a simple, sort of, electrical ... thing, then maybe there's- there's...", you know, "we could get it down". So what- what they did is they made a thing called, "a bio-interface" and they- they put it into the crab's brain, just a really simple brain, into its medula oblongada, right. And it got impulses from it and they were getting... like computer readou- just flashes of like symbols and geometric things, right, on this screen to read the crab's brain and it was stuff like, you know, fragments of a, uhm--

Karl: Wha- what made them do this in the first place?

Ricky: Because they saw- they saw the crabs behaving differently. They were behaving differently to each other. They were just like- they- you know, intelligent and they were, sort of, solving problems and all this sort of stuff. Anyway, when they downloaded the- the thing, it was like a- there was, uhm, uhh, they found- s- they f- they found one of the secretaries' names... where it had been on the silcon chip where it was just, like, a flash of a computer screen. But the most amazing thing is - they downloaded a memory, right. It was like a- like a snapshot where it'd been burnt onto the retina of the crab - just a snapshot or sommat - and it was like a picture of the beach, like, a couple of years ago, right. And they also j- i- i- incredible it was like, just a digital black and white, sort of thing, so they could see what the crab had seen.

Pause

Steve: Amazing.

Karl: Geeez.

Steve: Amazing. Intelligent crabs.

Karl: So, wha- what are they doing with them now, then?

Steve: Almost like SuperBrain.

Ricky: Well they think- this is the- this is the upshot - they think they could use it as spy crabs cuz they could put these- get these crabs- al- also, the other thing is as generations went on, right- so they put a crab in the- the sea or something, right, uh, lots of crabs in and then as generations went on, a- a new born crab- they downloaded the memory and it had the memories of its great-great-great-great-great- all together. It had every memory that any crab that had been related to it beforehand. Because it passed it on- it just passed it on.

Karl: So not even ones that had been eating the silicon stuff.

Ricky: Yeah- no th- they--

Karl: These are just ones that have had kids.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And they've got--

Ricky: And they know every- so you'd know everything your great-gre- everything right the way back.

Pause

Karl: So would that work if- if we ate silicon?

Ricky: Well, I suppose so.

Steve: Possibly.

Karl: So, what are they gonna--

Steve: Well they can use them for all sorts of things though. I mean, that- that's what's incredible, I mean, I don't know- I don't know how you'd train it particularly, I'm not sure how you would train but I'm assuming that they can- if they can- if they can do it that way, then presumably they can--

Ricky: It'd be like a load--

Steve: Make certain silicon information--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Which they can then plant in it, if you like, within it- within its, sort of, food, as it were.

Ricky: Also if you get them onto enemy beaches--

Steve: And you can get it- yeah.

Ricky: You'd have like a thousand digital cameras, just--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, but they- they--

Steve: Just sneaking around. You know, if you can get, you know--

Karl: They don't--

Steve: Osama Bin Laden or someone just crawling around on the sand.

Karl: They don't- they don't understand the information they've got though.

Ricky: No, they don't know they're doing it.

Steve: They don't understand it.

Ricky: They just have downloaded memories.

Karl: So they're- they're--

Ricky: But the--

Steve: So they're not- it's not like- you could torture them and they wouldn't be able to, sort of, give you the information because they wouldn't know what the information they had because they're just like a computer.

Ricky: But the crab- the cra- the crab- the first crab they downloaded, they just kept seeing the same picture of a big crab feedin' which they--

Steve: (Laughing) Really?!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow.

Steve: That's what? Like its mother crab or something?

Ricky: Yeah. It was memories of it as a child.

Steve: But they're not in color, presumably because they--

Ricky: No, they would have been black and white. It c- c- it's just a digital camera cuz it's just a- they don't see in black and white so it's just like a- it's just like a... I don't know, a I thi- I think it's burnt onto the retina or sommat and, um, the only one that they've kept were the ones they saw a lot of the time.

Steve: Wow.

Karl: I mean in a way, ehh, some of the "Educating Ricky" I've got for you today is- is on the similar lines.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Are- you've gotta be impressed by that. You've got to be impressed by that.

Karl: No-no, I mean, that's pretty good, I mean I- I'm interested to see, you know, what- what they do with it.

Steve: What they do- what they do with- what the crab developments are.

Karl: But, yeah, yeah, no that's- that's- that's pretty good.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But... I mean, amazing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Amazing... That is--

Steve: Well just digest that information because that- that's not even the most impressive one we found.

Ricky: I think it is.

Steve: I suppose it's pretty impressive but the next one's more- maybe more shocking.

Ricky: Okay, right. Let's--

Steve: Let's play a tune and then Ricky's got another extraordinary clip.

Karl: Awwww.

Song: The Cure - Lovesong

Steve: The Cure, "Lovesong", classic... on XFM.

Ricky: So that's the- that's the crabs that can- you can download their memories. Uhm--

Karl: But- but what about other animals that are in the sea? In that same sea, in the stuff, have they tested them yet?

Ricky: I don't know. I think it- they just took it on because their, uhm, biology, uh- something to do with- I presume they can take up minerals and, you know- I don't know, why. I don't know. But anyway, uhm, next one, uhh, this is, uhh, on the horizons, umm, uhh, a bodybuilder, yeah? Umm, uhh, married--

Steve: This is freaky.

Ricky: Had another bodybuilder- married another bodybuilder--

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, and they were pregnant. And, umm, they had these tests and the baby was very large but it was causing it pain, all right? In the- thing- in the- right? And it- after a- this is--

Steve: This is strange. It's almost bizarre in, like..

Ricky: This is- yeah. After the wo- the- the f- female woke up, pregnant, after seven months and the baby ha--

Karl: Was walkin' around.

Ricky: No... Had forced its way out of the vagina.

Karl: Awww, no way.

Ricky: Yeah. Had forced its way out.

Steve: It- it almost had, like, super strength, like--

Ricky: And it was pulling her along by the umbilical cord and they had to- and it was- but it was a stone.

Steve: (Almost Laughing) Extraordinary. That- now that's freaky.

Ricky: Because- because it had--

Steve: I mean, talk about freaky stuff.

Karl: That's made up.

Steve: T- what?

Karl: It wasn't pulling her along.

Steve: It was!

Ricky: Yeah, well no, it- it- she- she could feel it.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. And it was- do you know what I mean? Like, just went (Makes A Tearing Sound) and just sort of squeezed it's way--

Ricky: Just got out. Cuz it was ready. Cuz of all the hormones.

Steve: Just climbed out cuz it thought it was ready.

Pause

Karl: Aww, God.

Steve: Imagine that! Just waking up and finding that in the bottom of the bed. Freak you out because you'd think it was a nightmare, initially.

Ricky: And it had hair and everything, didn't it? I thought--

Steve: Yeah, because of all the hormones it had, like, a beard.

Karl: There was- there was something in the week about, ehm, you know, you got test tube babies and that, now, haven't ya?

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: But they've managed to do it- I only caught half the story--

Ricky: I knew he'd be more impressed by the crabs than that! He doesn't care if it's human.

Karl: No, no, no, I am! I'm telling you--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uhh, there was something - I only caught half the story because I was busy - but, uhh, there was somethin' about babies... being able to be born without having any people involved.

Ricky Laughs Slighty

Karl: Or something. It's like putting them in an oven or something and it's like a cake.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And after a certain amount of time it's ready.

Ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact that--

Steve: I think you can buy those, in Argos, for kids at Christmas.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Well...

Ricky: It's "My First Baby Kit".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: That's playdough I think, that they combine.

Ricky: Yeah. So what'd you think of that then?

Karl: The baby one?

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I l- I prefer the crab one.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But the ba- I mean, the baby thing's pretty- pretty horrible.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So it was bigger than the- than, like, the average?

Ricky: But umm, yeah. Umm, both made up. We made those up.

Steve: Yeah, both rubbish.

Ricky: They're both bull shit.

Steve: I mean, they are both rubbish. Despite the fact that they're both rubbish--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They're interesting.

Ricky: We made those up - both those stupid stories up.

Pause

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Imagine downloading a crab's memories and seeing it's mum feeding it as a child!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Both facts are rubbish.

Ricky: (Laughing) I had trouble. I had trouble.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I knew I was going to have trouble with, um, "pushed its way out of the vagina".

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: I practiced that about 30 times yesterday with Steve. I was going, "I'm not gonna be able to do it, mate".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "I am not going to be able to say that!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: Are you disappointed?

Karl: A little bit- I mean, the baby one's a bit, sort of, out there.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: I wasn't really having- having that one.

Ricky: No.

Karl: But the- but the crab one I...

Steve: See, now what's interesting, I think it's- it's a useful experiment, I think, Karl. I don't know what it's taught you about yourself...

Ricky Giggles

Steve: But would you say that that's revealed to you a certain thing, I don't know, maybe... that you're a bit gullible!

Pause

Steve: I mean, what I'm saying is maybe you shouldn't accept or swallow 'hook line and sinker' everything you read on the web.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: You don't think maybe a valuable lesson there?

Ricky: I feel bad because I feel- I said to Steve, "He won't be annoyed that we conned him. He'll be annoyed that they're actually not true". You'd love that crab thing to be true, wouldn't ya?

Karl: It wouldn't surprise me if it did happen one day.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: And then who's laughing?

Ricky: And he said in the break, when I said about the crabs, he went, "Well I'm keepin' them then."

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right. Well, I know what you're gettin' at--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: With the, uhh- with the "Educating Ricky" but it- you know.

Ricky: Let's see. Let's see.

Karl: You've got, uhh, three titles--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, that I tease you with. Different stories. You take your pick and I teach you something--

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: That did happen.

Ricky Howls With Laughter

Ricky: There's a little bit of venom!

Karl: Uhh--

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: First one is, uhhm, "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: I bet that's bacon-related, knowing you.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: You've got, uhh- you've got "Enough is anus".

Steve: Say that again.

Karl: "Enough is enou- n- anus".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: "Enough is enough"--

Karl: Well--

Steve: But it's changed to "Enough is an anus".

Karl: Yeh. And you've got, uhh--

Ricky and Steve Laugh Some More

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You've also got, "Will it- will it be a bloke or- or-", no... "Wool it like a bloke or a woman?"

Ricky: (Laughing) What?

Karl: "Wool it like a bloke or a woman?"

Ricky: "Wool it..."?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "Wool it like a bloke or a woman"?

Steve: Wow.

Karl: Yeah. So they're your- they're your three stories--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: That sounds like exciting stuff.

Ricky: Okay, well I'll have "Wool it- wool it like--"

Steve: Oh no, we're gonna play a record now, Rick, surely.

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Steve: And come back with "Educating Ricky".

Ricky: Sorry about the crabs and the big baby.

Karl: All right.

Oasis - The Hindu Times Starts To Play

Steve: It's a valuable lesson learned.

Ricky: I'll think of a title for 'em.

Song: Oasis - The Hindu Times

There's a Bloke Who Reads Arses

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Oasis... um, "The Hindu Times". Karl just did his little screen test down the lens and uhh, (Breaks Up) he went- they said, "Just look at the camera", he went, "Right, do you want to know aobut MTV?", she went, "Well it might be VH1", he went, "Right.", he did "Rockbusters", "and then after the break, some Genesis".

Ricky and Steve: Ahhh.

Steve: I'd watch it!

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: You didn't tell me she wanted all this, I thought you said - cuz I said, "You just bring your own camera in"--

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: "And we'll put it down on some tape and pass that on to her."

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: So now this- I'm doing two jobs at once again. This is what I'm saying to you in the week, I'm juggling jobs all the time.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I'm, ahh... I tell ya.

Ricky: Right, come on then.

Karl: How much do I get?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) He looked straight in the camera and said that!

Karl: Right.

Indecipherable Female Voice

Karl: So, umm three stories: "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher"--

Steve: Looking forward to that.

Karl: "Enough is anus" and umm--

Ricky: I'm- I'm gonna have that one, then.

Karl: That one?

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Right. Well, uhm--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Do you- do you believe in palm reading and stuff?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: Sorry - yes.

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: Sorry, I forgot. Yes, of course we do.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: Right, well there's a fella who, umm- he used to do palm reading--

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: But a lot of people- he found out when he went up to them in the street and said, "Do you want your palm reading?", he was like- a lot of 'em were like, you know, "Oooh, I've" - you know - "I'm a bit ashamed of me nails" and stuff--

Steve: Mmm!

Karl: Because they're a laborer or a cleaner--

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Or something like that.

Ricky: I know a lot of laborers are slightly embarrassed by their nails.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: No, but--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So he found out--

Ricky: "Look at my bloody hands Reg".

Steve Giggles

Karl: Well...

Ricky: "That's that hod carrying!"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Did I ever tell you about... Did I ever tell you that I got picked at school to--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: To make tea and serve biscuits to old people cuz I've got good nails?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: No, go on.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Is there anymore to the story?

Karl: Well, that's about it. I mean, we used to do, like- I think the head teacher must of been getting something - maybe getting his mom in there for free or something... into old people's home.

Ricky Ricky Slams The Desk With Laughter

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: So, uhm--

Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing

Karl: So, he offered the kids at the school, ehh- he said, "Right, all- all sit at your desk and put your hands on the table". And everyone did. And he walked past mine, he said, "Not bad. Not bad."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And he said, uhh, "You've got the afternoon off. You can, uhh, go and serve biscuits and tea to the old- old people."

Ricky: What did you say?

Karl: I said, "All right, then".

Ricky Coughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said, "Good afternoon". But anyway, so--

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: What'd you do?

Karl: Well, you just sort of walked around and went, "You all right? Do you want Bourbons or digestives?"

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I bet you get on with old people, wouldn't ya?

Karl: Yeah, it was all right.

Ricky: I'd love to see you--

Steve: Especially the senile ones.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah! Yeah. No, but I'd love to see you on VH1 - just in a link - and just go- you know, they've just played, uhh, umm, Robert Palmer, right, and it comes to you in a little park and you just sit next to an old lady and go, "All right?", and they go, "Yeah, not too bad", and you go, "What do you think of London? Crap innit?", and she goes, "Yeah, it's awful, innit?" and you just go- have a talk and you go, "Right, well she doesn't like it... INXS".

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: That's what I'd like to see.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: I still think my idea's better but... so what you goin' for then? Oh, you've picked one haven't ya?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uhh, yeah, so this fella--

Steve: So there- there's palmists going around the streets...

Karl: Yeah, he's going 'round and--

Steve: Randomly trying to give palm readings.

Karl: They're- they're losing- they're losing money hand over fist.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All right. So, umm, they said, uhh, he- he's--

Ricky Sneezes

Karl: What he's done: he's reading people's, uhh, bottoms now.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoah, whoah- he just- he just- I didn't quite follow that. He was a palm reader, that wasn't making money, so now he's going up to people in the street and saying, "Can I see your arse?"

Karl: Basically, yeah.

Ricky: So from- from being a palmist to an arsonist?

Karl: Well--

Ricky: (Almost Laughing) Uh Uh.

Karl: They're just- that- that's what he does. It said, the same, sort of, lines and that, that you get on your hand, you get 'em on your- on your... bottom.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And, uhh, he can read 'em.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah, he's not a pervert or anything. Or making it up as he goes along.

Karl: No, that's- that's it, that was that.

Steve: So i- sorry, if a man came up to you on the street and said--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "Can I have a look at your ass?"

Ricky: "Can I read your ass?"

Steve: You'd- you'd drop your trousers, would you?

Karl: No- no- no, if they went up to 'em and they said, "Aww, I'd rather you didn't because I've- I'm a laborer, I've got bad fingernails and--"

Ricky: No, that's what I've see- that's what a lot of laborers- they're showing their cleavage, you think, but actually they're having their ass read.

Steve: (Laughing) Absolutely.

Ricky: That's what a lot of- that's what it is.

Karl: And then, right--

Steve: So is that the end of the story?

Karl: Yeah. But, then because--

Ricky: That's it. "Educating Ricky" is "there's a bloke who reads asses".

Steve Laughs

Karl: No, but then--

Ricky: You're a mentalist.

Karl: But no, but th--

Ricky: What are you talkin' about?

Karl: But then- do you know how, like, now and again I come up with a little jokey line?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I thought I'd make an effort today for either VH1 or MTV.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Little line there: umm, "Don't worry it won't last, it might just be a splash in the pan."

Pause

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Phil Collins next.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah, let's play some Phil. Let's play some Phil.

Song: Radiohead - Let Down

1 in 10 Rams are Gay

Ricky: Aw. Awww. This is the best show- I mean, off-air, obviously. I'm sure the people at home aren't enjoying it as much as we are but Karl, uh, is continuing his, uh - what do they call this - his screen test.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Yeah. That was, uh, "Let Down" by Radiohead. Karl what are you thinking?

Karl: It's out of order, this.

Ricky: What are you thinkin'?

Karl: I just think it's not right, really. Is it? I'm trying to do a job--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Whilst trying to get another job.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Ricky: But a lot of your presenters are on MTV now.

Karl: Yeah but... I- I don't--

Ricky: They've- they've- all of them have got "Zane" in their name but... you know.

Karl: Yeeeah. It's n- it's not really right, is it? But--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right, so, uhh, we want to on with--

Ricky: You better get that, haven't you? "Karl Zane Pilkington".

Karl: "Educating Ricky", will we carry on?

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Right, you've got left: "Don't rub it too hard you'll get a rasher."

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: And uhh--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: "Will it like fellas or will it like women?"

Ricky: Well, you said "wool" before.

Karl: Yeah. "Wool it..."

Ricky: Go on then, I'll have "Wool it..."

Karl: Right, now this is similar to the one you were talking about before, right. They found out--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: That, uhm...

Steve: (Laughing) "They".

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: Scientists. Scientists have, uhh--

Ricky: Ah, yeah.

Karl: Have found out--

Ricky: Seventeenth century?

Karl: That, uhh - right now - one in ten rams are gay.

Pause

Steve: One in ten rams are gay.

Karl: Yup.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So that was like, "wool it". That's how I could get that in. Uhmm--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: They got a load of gay and straight rams.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right? Uhmm, they worked out which were which first. They said, "Right, that's- that bunch there is- is a gay bunch".

Ricky: They looked better, they just had more pride in their appearance.

Karl: And- and, uhh- and the other ones, you know- the straight ones. And then they gave them to this scientist and said, "Right, go on, do what you got to do".

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And they took their brains out of all of 'em.

Ricky: (Amused) Just to check.

Karl: And, uhh, they did tests on the brain and it worked out that they've got something smaller in the brain. The gay ones have got something in the brain that makes it smaller. And they said, "Right, well, that's probably how it's gonna work on- on males... on- on, like males and females in, like, humans."

Ricky: So you took from this that .... gays have smaller brains than straight people.

Karl: No, there's something in the brain.

Ricky: Right, go on.

Karl: So if- so if someone's saying, you know, "Ooh, I'm a gay", or they didn't- they're not sure or whatever, they will now be able to find out.

Steve: (Amused) So you can go to the doctor to find out if you're straight or gay?

Ricky: "C- c- is there any gay in my brain?" "Let's have a look! (Musical Interlude) Do. Do. Do. Do. You've got a little bit of gay in you, yes. A little bit of gay in ya. Yes, you've got the, uh- you've got a little bent cell there."

Karl: Well, what- what else... Well, that's- that's why they did it anyway.

Pause

Steve: I don't understand how they- how they could differentiate which were straight and which were gay to begin with, before they then gave it to the scientist. Wasn't that what the scientist figured out?

Ricky: It's- there's- there's- there's--

Steve: How did they tell? Did they find one mincing around the--

Ricky: There's one theory that it's genetically determined. There is one- there is- there is a theory that it's genetically determined but, I- I don't think it's as easy as, umm, pulling a sheep's brain apart and finding a little pink, sort of, like, blob in there and going, "Right, we've taken the gay out! Now he's going in to shag some ewes." I don't think it's that straight-forward. Although, the- eh- eh- homosexuality does occur in a similar, sort of, rate in animals, I think.

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: You knew that, didn't ya?

Karl: So that- that's that one. I mean...

Steve: (Laughing) I just like the idea of a farmer figuring out which are straight and gay. "Well that ones wearing quite a camp-looking neckerchief--"

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: "So I'm thinking maybe he's gay."

Ricky: (Laughing)Yeah. Is that- yeah- yeah. I love the fact that they can locate the- (Makes Sheep sounds).

Steve: That one's- that one's a big fan of Sophie Ellis Bextor sooooo...

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were d- they put on ABBA--

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And see which ones dance.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That's how they... Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: But what a--

Steve: Or put on, like, Barbra Streisand and see which ones sing along.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Actually, that IS rubbish. What did I find out--

Ricky: What did he say?!

Steve: Did he make that one up?!

Ricky: Did you just say, "that is rubbish"?

Karl: No, I found out other- other stuff in the week that didn't make the top three...

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: Wow.

Karl: Uhh--

Ricky: We haven't even had the--

Steve: This must be mediocre stuff.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: This must be really bad.

Ricky: Yeah. Or it might be dubious. Go on.

Karl: There's, umm- there's a woman in Ireland--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Who has been with a fella for eleven years.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Ehm, she was always saying to him, you know, "When- when- when are we gonna get married?", and that. And it's like "Oh, we don't need to...", uhh, you know, "We're happy", and that, do you know like how I am with Suzanne, it's like there's no point, really.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Unless you have a kid, you don't need to, do ya?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So, um, he was like, "We'll do it in time. In time.", and all that. Anyway, he comes home from work one day, says, "Oh, go on then, we'll get married", she was so shocked her hair fell out.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Did you get that?

Steve: Wow.

Karl: So...

Steve: That's extraordinary.

Ricky: And what did he say? "Oh, I'm not marrying you, baldy".

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Well--

Steve: She was so shocked her hair--

Ricky: She was so shocked her hair fell out.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: I love the idea of it just going (Makes a Falling Sound) to the ground.

Steve: Yeah, it just fell out, yeah.

Karl: Yeah, uhh, what else?

Ricky: Right, that's rubbish. That's rubbish. That's rubbish. That's rubbish. Next!

Karl: You've also got, umm...

Steve: It's weird, isn't it Rick, that--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: The stories that we made up are more plausible--

Ricky: (Giggling) Yeah.

Steve: Than the "facts" he's actually giving us.

Ricky: Yeah, I think we tried too hard.

Steve: Mm! Mm!

Ricky: I think we tried too--

Steve: That's what he's willing to believe. He's willing to believe that a woman's hair fell out when her husband came home and said, "Let's get married, then".

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: "Oh, you old romantic!" (Makes a Falling Sound)

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Ah yeah, then. Here's a good one.

Ricky: Go on then.

Karl: In Dubai- this woman went to Dubai for her holiday...

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: And, umm...

Ricky Giggles

Karl: She was over there and apparently, in the markets, they sell--

Ricky: Bit by a spider?

Karl: They sell lizards.

Ricky: Oh, go on.

Karl: Right, just, like, for people to buy.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So she buys one, not knowing that you're not really meant to take them out of the country.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Ehmm, puts it in a bag...

Ricky: Yeah. As you do.

Karl: What have you. And, uhh, then she gets to the airport, when she's going on she's thinking, "I can't really leave it in me bag".

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So she puts in on her head--

Steve: On her head?!

Karl: Wears it as a hat

Steve: She wore the lizard as a hat?

Karl: Yeah. Ehm...

Ricky Coughs

Karl: People on the plane were just like, "Yeah, everything's fine", you know, they're doing the cross-checks and that--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "Have you got your seatbelt on?" "Yeah".

Steve: "There's a woman there with a lizard hat".

Karl: Um, everything's going well. She gets off the plane at Manchester Airport, ehmm... lizard sticks its tongue out...

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: The air hostess says, "What are you doing with that?" She goes, "I've had it- I've had it--"

Ricky: Lizard said, "I just found her in Dubai".

Steve Chuckles

Karl: The, uhh- they said, "I've had this with me all- all journey", and they said, "Well, you shouldn't of done", and they took it off her.

Ricky: Yeah, I think that is true, actually.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So what about that?

Ricky: Yeah, good, yeah. Yeah. That educated me. Right, what- anymore?

Steve: So what's that taught you? That's taught you, you know, be careful when smuggling lizards back--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: As some kind of hat.

Ricky: Yeah, just say "Lizard, keep you're tongue in you twat! Not at the customs officer!"

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, uhh, what else have I got?

Ricky: Any that didn't quite make it?

Steve Laughs

Steve: "Anything to declare?" "Uuuhm, I've got a lizard on my head."

Ricky Laughs

Karl: I've got an old saying one if you want that.

Ricky: Go on, then.

Steve: Are these ones- sorry- are these ones that didn't make the list?

Karl: These are ones that didn't make it, yeah.

Steve: Oh, right, okay.

Karl: Because I always- I always get more in than I need to just in case--

Ricky: Just think if someone's tuned in now.

Steve: Mmm!

Ricky: Is Anders listening? Is, uhh, Dicky Anderson--

Steve: Well, I'll tell you- I've got a- I've got a- an email from Richard Anderson, uhh, Dicky Anderson--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "The Dick Machine", which--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: "The Big Dick".

Steve: "The Big Dick" which, uhh- now this is interesting. It's a- I mean, I think we're wearing him down. (Reading Email) "Ricky I think your show might be improving...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "That sense of despair and loneliness, I normally feel when listening to your show, doesn't seem so bad today." - Richard Anderson.

Ricky: He's desensitized to it.

Steve: Yeah, exactly, we're wearing him down.

Ricky: Or he's given up. Or he's just given up. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, you listen to us long enough and your standards will drop.

Steve: Let's play a tune. Let's come back with more of Karl--

The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So Begins To Play

Steve: More of Karl's, uhh, I don't- I don't want to use the word "facts".

Ricky: (Laughing) No- no- no.

Steve: Somehow it doesn't seem appropriate.

Ricky: I- he's got to do more screen testing now! The camera's ready for ya! Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah.

Song: The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So

If Things Are Meant To Be, They'll Happen

Song: Feeder - Just The Way I'm Feeling

Ricky: Feeder - "Just The Way I'm Feeling". That's my favorite Feeder track ...ever. It's bugging me, it's just like, umm, a Ride track from about .... 10 or 15 years ago.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: So, if- if you know, put me out of my misery, email in. It's just like a Ride track from about 1990 and I can't- it- just the beginning.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Drive me mental.

Steve: [email protected].

Ricky: Yeah, well, uhh, half hour to go, you've done your screen test...

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Reluctantly. I think you- I think you had such the wrong attitude.

Karl: Well it doesn't matter, does it? If- I've told you before if things are meant to be, right, they'll happen.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That's how I've gone through me life, right, I'm 29, now...

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Never planned--

Ricky: You're 30, aren't ya?

Karl: Well, yeah, 30, but the camera's still on.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Karl: Right, so... And everything I've done in me life, I've never, sort of, planned it, do you know what I mean?

Steve: Is that how you stormed through your, uhh- your exams? Your GCSEs?

Karl: Well look at the- look at the school play, doing "Little Donkey"--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I wasn't planning that day--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: To do the drums, it just- on the night I couldn't help meself.

Steve: And you stole the show.

Ricky: What happened? What do you mean?

Karl: When- when, you know- when all the kids were playing "Little Donkey", I wasn't meant to be doing the drum set in that track... I was only meant to- I think I was doing "We Three Kings" or something.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: But when they started doing it, the tune- I couldn't help meself with the drum stick just, like, tappin' away.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: At the- at the drum.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And when it came on, I was like, "Ohhh", and I started doing it and, like, the teacher looked at- looked over at me and I was like, "Aww, I shouldn't be doing this", but she, sort of, gave me the nod as if to say, "It's all right, carry on, it's- it's sounding good."

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Then after it, she went, you know, "They loved that. You can do that again tomorrow night".

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I got, like, an extra- extra part in the play, and that.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: That wasn't planned.

Ricky: So you were- so- so you were doing the drum part to "We Three Kings" over "Little Donkey".

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: That is weird, that is like Fatboy Slim or sommat, isn't it, when they mix up...

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Or Moby or...

Steve: Mashin' it up at the age of, what? Eight?

Karl: Yeah. And that's what I'm saying--

Ricky: Is that when, umm, is that when, uh... someone was filming it and you could f- hear your dad on the camcorder going, "He looks like a twat"?

Karl: That's- that's the one, yeah.

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: And that's why- maybe that's why I don't want to be on the telly. Cuz I'll always have me dad's, sort of, echoing voice just saying...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "He shouldn't be on there, he looks- looks like a whatsit"... So.... So that's- that's why I'm a bit, sort of, nervous about this today.

Ricky: Really? You think it's, sort of, quite Freudian in a way... sort of...

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Your attitude is "Que sera sera".

Karl: Well, plus I haven't got the look. I don't- I'm not pretending, right, that I should be on the telly cuz--

Ricky: What's wrong with your look for VH1?

Karl: It's not right. It's not right.

Ricky: Jono was on VH1.

Pause

Karl: Was he?

Ricky: Yes.

Karl: So I'm going up against Jono?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: So...

Ricky: He's gone now, he's moved on.

Karl: Yeah, there you go, you see, another one who they gave a chance to--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then he was like, you know, "Yeah I can do that"- it's- it's built up, right, they built him up, "You can do that as a job", and then they knocked him down. And he probably started eating...

Steve: Well I don't think you can knock Jono down.

Ricky: (Laughing) He started eating! He started eatin'!

Karl: And look at him now. So that's what I'm saying. So if it's meant to be, right, it- whoever's gonna watch this tape, you know--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Uhh, thanks for the offer and that... but, you know, time will tell.

Ricky Exhales Loudly

Steve: Very wise.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So there ya go. And I'll tell ya what, actually. Right--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: It's- it's a bit funny because looking at the web in the week at different sayings...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And, uhh... do you know the saying...

Ricky: "A round head does not, an MTV presenter, make".

Karl: Nope. Yeah. No, spo-... uh, what's that saying? Spark--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: "Spark- spark in the pan" or something?

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: "Flash in the pan".

Karl: "Flash in the pan".

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know that saying?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That's a bit like what could happen to me, innit? D'ya know what I mean? There I am trying to do me normal job, right...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And then you bring me in here on a Saturday, next thing everyone's after me--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uhh, and then it doesn't work out--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And I'm dropped--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And that saying, "flash in the pan", do you know how it came about?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Ehm, do you know, like, how years ago they used to dig for gold?

Ricky: Gold.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: And they had, like, a little pan--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: And they'd put the soil in and they'd rub the soil--

Ricky: Yeah, and it shone in the sun.

Karl: Now and again, it shone in the sun and they'd get all excited and were like, "Oh brilliant, some gold!", and then they realized it was just the sun flashing in the pan.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: And that's- do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, again, that's a bit weird how I saw that saying in the week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Almost like a little thing saying, "Don't be gettin' carried away".

Ricky: Omen?

Karl: So- well, makes you wonder.

Steve Laughs

Karl: But anyway...

Steve: Not really.

Karl: So t- things that make you wonder- you saw Derren Brown, what did he do?

Steve: Derren Brown, he's extraordinary.

Ricky: Oh, no, no I- yeah, I told him about that. It's a, um--

Steve: You sh- people- a lot of people don't realize who Derren Brown is and he's the best illusionist in the country.

Ricky: Oh well... um... we went to, uhh, Jonathan Ross' house, uhm, for his birthday.

Steve: I didn't.

Ricky: I know. Me and Jane. And we went there, right, and there was lots of people there and, uhh, uhm, Derren Brown was there. Jonathan got Derren Brown to- and it was incredible, he did all these tricks, right. Uhm, I mean, incredible, it was just amazing. Ehm, and he did one, uhh, with a bloke, uhh, friend of Jonathan's, I think his name- is, umm, Ray. And, uhh, he got him to give the pack- he said count the cards and he counted out 52 cards.

Karl: 52.

Ricky: Yeah, he went, "Yeah". He went, "Think of any card in that pack", he didn't touch it yet, he's counted 52- it was in his hand, he said, "Think of any card", he said, "What was it?", he said, "3 of spades" or sommat, he went, "Find it in the pack", couldn't find it, he said, "Count the cards", there was 51.

Pause

Ricky: Right, and he couldn't find the card. And he hadn't heard it and he forgot about it, he went, "Ah, that's gone wrong" and he forgot about it, he kept- he was goin', "I wonder where that card is", and he kept looking at it, right... I found out that about a week ago, Ray went into hospital with appendicitis... yeah? And the surgeon was there, he said there was something crumpled up, there was a- a thing. And it was a card. It was the card that was in his thing causing appendicitis. And when he came out of surgery, there was a card from Derren Brown saying, "Was that your card?"

Pause

Steve: That's amazing. Don't you think?

Pause

Steve: I mean, that's like, incredible.

Karl: This is like the thing. And then what? And then a crab went, "I know what it is!"

Ricky Giggles

Karl: "It's a five of spades". It's another windup.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, well, see. See! I'm not going to believe anything anymore--

Steve: But that's good!!!

Karl: If I ever--

Steve: You've learned a lesson!!

Karl: Yeah, but say- say if all this goes wrong, now, right, "cry wolf" and all that...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Imagine I get dropped by MTV...

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: You haven't been asked yet!

Karl: Well, well, whatever.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Right, they're short on firemen because they're always going on strike. I answer the phone, it's you saying, "Me house is on fire".

Ricky: I don't know what you're talking about now, Karl.

Steve: So you--

Ricky: I actually- I don't know what he's talking about now.

Steve: Hang on, I think somewhere along the line there, Karl has been recruited by the fire brigade and is standing with the phone--

Ricky: Did you leave something out of the story? Start again. Right--

Karl: That's what I'm saying!

Ricky: Because I just wound you up about crabs, babies pushing their way out of vaginas--

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And Derren Brown causing appendicit- right, yeah--

Karl: What I'm saying is: "Little, uhh"... what's the saying about, uhh--

Ricky: "Little acorns don't gather any grounds".

Karl: "Cry"- "cryin' wolf".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "You can take a fish to water and you can't make it swim".

Ricky: Do you know- do you know that sayin', umm, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"? Do you know why?

Karl: Ehm, cuz its neck's too long.

Ricky: No- what?

Karl: It's got an awkward neck? I don't know.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's correct. That is correct. Well done.

Karl: Right, anyway, we've still got to come, uhhh--

Ricky: Right, Karl--

Karl: It's been bad today, I'm gonna apologize to people listening today cuz--

Steve: You might as well be phoning today.

Karl: I haven't been- cuz--

Ricky: Do you know- do y- have you heard of the thing "A rolling stone gathers no moss"?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Are you aware of that?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you know where that's from?

Karl: Ehh... do you mean where it's from?

Ricky: In Woodstock, right, the bands used to go out and get this sort of, like, moss that used to grow there and it was sort of, like, slightly hallucinogenic, right, and they used to come back and they used to all go out- everyone was out there - Mamas and Papas were doin' it, umm, the Doors - they all came back. But Mick Jagger and Keith Richards would never do it. But they'd smoke other peoples'.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: A Rolling Stone never gathers his own moss.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That was what- seriously, Karl! That's the truth!

Karl: Right, so we've still got to come: ... uhh...

Ricky Giggles

Karl: "Rockbusters"--

Ricky: Have you heard the saying "A fish, in time, saves nine"?

Karl: The s- the clues were--

Ricky: Have you heard that?

Karl: "That'll never get off the ground" - L.Z. You've got--

Steve: Have you heard that saying "Out of the frying pan, into the saucepan"?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Have you heard that?

Karl: We've also got--

Ricky Continues To Laugh

Steve: Karl?

Karl: I'm trying to hold it together now.

Ricky: (Laughing) W- yeah! No, we're trying to teach you sommat, Karl!

Karl: Yeah, but you're not.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Because at least my stuff that I tell you, if you go into a pub and told someone--

Ricky: What?! There was a blind girl, she hit her head, she could see?! What's that?!

Karl: Well just don't- don't get down if your eyes are bad.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Karl: Right, we've--

Ricky: Not "go around headbutting things"?

Karl: Awww, play another song.

The Undertones - Teenage Kicks Begins To Play

Ricky: Awwww, Karl, come on.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Song: The Undertones - Teenage Kicks

Tom Gibbon of Bloxhall Road

Steve: The Undertones, "Teenage Kicks". That's one of the tracks on the, uh, "Best Air Guitar Album In The World Ever Vol. 2", which is one of the prizes on today's "Rockbusters".

Ricky: And John Peel's favorite track ever.

Steve: John Peel's favorite song of all-time. And, uh, so Karl have you got the answers for "Rockbusters" this week?

Karl: Yeah, we have, yeah. We've got, uhh--

Steve Laughs

Karl: The first clue--

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) Are you upset, Karl?

Steve: So miserable!

Karl: I'm a bit fed up today. The weather's- I knew when I was walking in today, though, that I'd be down.

Ricky: But that video - there's lots of- there's lots of weather on that video so the can- whoever wins this can go home and see, sort of, the weather you were talking about.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Uhh, the first one was: "That'll never get off the ground", uhh, L.Z.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: The answer there... was Led Zeppelin.

Ricky: So easy.

Karl: Ummm, yeah, but I said that to you. There's always two easy ones and a difficult one.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: The third one was, "You'll get a load of bacon off them"--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: That was L. Uhh, Longpigs.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Yeah? And then the second one was, uhh, "That women's got her husbands gloves and a pair of her own"--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: H.H.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Yeah? That was Herman's Hermits.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: So, that's- that's the three- that's the three answers. I'm sure we've got a winner.

Steve: Well I'd like to give the prize this week to S--

Ricky: (Laughing) Her Man's Her Mits.

Karl: What- wha- there's a--

Ricky: (Laughing) Herman's Hermits. That is genius, Karl! That is genius! AWWW! Her Man's Her Mits.

Karl: So...

Steve: So many people who are worthy of the, um, of the prizes I must say.

Ricky: (Laughing) Herman's Hermits!

Steve: I'd quite like to give the prize this week to, umm, Tom Gibbon.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve: Just cuz I like his name, I- I don't know if I've pronounced that right, but, Tom Gibbon--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'd like to give that to him.

Ricky: No, you shouldn't laugh at someone's name!

Steve: Because he lives in- he also lives in (Laughing) Bloxhall Road. I don't know why I find that- "Tom Gibbon of Bloxhall Road"- I don't know why--

Ricky: (Laughing) Well you've made a mockery of- made a monkey out of a man!

Steve: Out of poor, old Gibbo.

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: And he's askin'- he's got a question there.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Umm, "Can Karl get rid of slugs?".

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: I don't know what that means. I'm almost certain he can.

Karl: Well--

Steve: So well done to, uhh--

Karl: If he- if he been listenin'- if he was listenin a few months ago, he would of known how to.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Because I told you what slugs like.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Gettin' in letterboxes.

Ricky: (Laughing) How does that get rid of 'em?!

Karl: Put some stamps in your garden.

Pause

Ricky Wheezes With Laughter, Stomping Around The Room

Karl: They like, uhh- no, they like stamp glue so...

Ricky: Yeah? And how did that help? How did that get rid of them? They'll keep coming back, won't they? They'll be going, "I can't believe it, we don't have to climb those boxes now there's a fella leaving stamps out".

Karl: Well give it a go, you've won some prizes and I've sorted you out.

Ricky: No! How does that get rid of slugs - leaving stamps out for them, their favorite food?

Karl: Because--

Ricky: It's like, "Plant a load of lettuces, they love that!"

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Well it depends where he's got 'em. I thought he meant he's got 'em in his house.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Oh, put stamps on the outside, they'll go, "There's loads of stamps out here, lads. Let's leave this house".

Karl: Right, so--

Ricky: "Let's get out of this house!"

Karl: We've got, uhh, we've got one more--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: "Educating Ricky" today.

Ricky: Go on. Quick then, I need educating.

Karl: Right, uhhh, "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher".

Ricky: How was he gonna outwit Derren Brown? You said sommat in the break.

Steve: Oh, I have to say- yeah, um, Derren Brown who, uhh, we bumped into as well, he did this incredible trick where he puts forty pounds down on the table, he says, "I can tell you which hand you've got a pound coin in, uhh, let's say five times out of five". You know, so I have a- a pound coin in one hand, I put it behind my back, I bring my hands out and he can tell me every single time which hand it's in by asking questions, by doing various things--

Ricky: Well he doesn't ask ya, he just goes, "Now you might've done it in that one, now you might've done the same again, but then you are an intelligent person, you'll probably not..", so he goes, "So, it's in that one" and he does it every time... incredible.

Steve: Yeah, it's absolutley majestic and I mentioned this to Karl and, well, Karl, you tell me how you think you could outwit Derren Brown.

Karl: Well--

Steve: Cuz your dad used to do this trick, you told me.

Karl: Well, me dad- me dad used to play this.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Uhhm...

Ricky: How old were ya?

Karl: Uhhh, dunno, probably about ten.

Ricky: So you probably weren't as sharp as you were now, then.

Karl: Uhh, so he used to play it, and- and the way of telling what hand he's got it in: his hand looks bigger. So that's all you've got to do...

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) So he did it then! That's how Derren Brown--

Steve: So to catch Derren out- so- no, to catch Derren out--

Karl: Well, it was a bit different because he did it with golf balls but a pound--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: But to catch Derren out... Karl told me, Rick...

Ricky: (Laughing) He did it with a spud!

Steve: To catch Derren out--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The hand which hasn't got the coin in, just make it slightly bigger.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Just make it- just, like, extend it slightly, so slightly larger and that'll catch Derren out, he'll never be able to suss that.

Ricky: Now, that's how he did it! He--

Karl: Or, just put- put a pound in each hand--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And wind him up. Just go, "No, you're wrong."

Ricky: You're a g- you are brilliant, Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do this one.

Steve: Do you- ehh, did your dad used to do the one where he takes your nose off?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Off of your face and puts it between his fingers? Did he do that?

Ricky: Did you keep going to the doctor's?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Steve: You know how that's done? You know he's not actually taking your nose off?

Ricky: It's his thumb.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: It is his thumb.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Last one--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher", it's been a mess today.

Ricky: (Laughing) What do you mean, "it's been a mess"?

Karl: It's been a mess.

Ricky: What has?!

Karl: This.

Ricky: What? The show?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: W- how has it been any worse?

Karl: It's just all over the place, there's no, sort of- it's not tight- it's not tight like it normally is.

Ricky Giggles Slightly

Karl: And she'll be going away with this, thinking, "That's what the show would be like... on MTV".

Ricky: She listens to the show, she knows it's a shambles every week. Go on.

Karl: Well, ehhh, "Don't rub it too hard, you'll get a rasher".

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know the saying "Ham it up".

Ricky and Steve Laugh Loudly

Ricky: (Laughing) AHHH, yeah, go on, yeah.

Karl: Right, well do you know what it means?

Ricky: Well, it means to overact.

Karl: Right. Well, years ago with, uhh- with actors in musicals and stuff--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: They'd, um- the actors used to look pretty yellow on the stage cuz they didn't have proper makeup and that.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Right. So, what they used to do, uhh, to make themselves look--

Ricky: Rub their face in pigs?

Karl: Well, they got- they got bacon--

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: Rubbed it on their face--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And it made the face a bit sticky cuz of all the, like, you know, the pig fat and bit of lard and stuff like that.

Ricky: Mm-hmm.

Karl: And then they'd go and get some bricks...

Steve: Bricks?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: House bricks. Rub 'em together, make some sort of red dust from the brick.

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And then put the dust on their face--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And the- the fat and the lard and that would make the dust stick--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: To the face.

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And, uhhm, they'd look well... under the lights. And that's- that's where the saying--

Steve: They'd smell great as well.

Karl: Yeah, well--

Ricky: Yeah, lovely. Everyone loves the smell of bacon.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: No, but... so that- that's the old, uhh, "Ham it up", that's where it comes from.

Ricky: I like that. You know, if it's true, I'll- I have no reason to think it's not.

Karl: So that's your third "Educating Ricky" today, so what have you learnt?

Ricky: Nothing.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Absolutely sod all.

Karl: You've got your "Hamming it up".

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhmm, rams are gay. They- they know which ones are gay, now.

Ricky: (Laughing) Now!

Karl: And, uhh--

Steve: At last! Thank God.

Karl: The fella- the fella who can hand-read, ehhm, an ass.

Steve Laughs

Steve: (Laughing) If you missed the rest of the show, what are you gonna make of that?!

Ricky Giggles

Steve: If you've just tuned in.

Ricky: You are a maniac, Karl.

Karl: So...

Ricky: And you've had your screen test. I reckon we'll be seeing you on MTV or VH1 in the near future.

Karl: How much is it? How much? I mean, she can't answer, what do you reckon I'll get? Cuz I've- I've- you see the annoying thing is I've just bought a flat in London--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: In central London.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: MTV's in Camden.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I wouldn'ta bought in central London if I'd of known I'd had to go there.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: That was to make me life easier so I could walk to work. So now I've got to go out of me way, so I need to cover that.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: To be truthful, I'm not sure that the MTV gig is a certainty... yet.

Ricky: I reckon--

Karl: She's pretendin' she's not sure but she can't wait to sign me up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I reckon you'd, you know, maybe start off with a few little interstitials, just like, you know, "What do you think- make of that?" or "Karl Says" and you know... few of them, I reckon you'll make a f- you know, few grand.

Karl: But why is it- wh- why has it got to be music?

Ricky: Doesn't have to be.

Karl: Why can't it be- I think that idea on the animals is good, I can do film stuff - talk about films... "Elephant Man" - love that.

Ricky: Go on then, do a film review. Quickly.

Karl: Right, uhh, right, well today on, uhh, "Film Review" we're doing, uhh, classic films, umm, and today we're looking at, uhh, "Elephant Man" - John Merrick, one of his- one of his better pieces of work.

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: It's a sad film, I- I- I've never really been able to watch it all the way through.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Sorry, John Merrick's better piece of work was him being the Elephant Man, played by John Hurt?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on then.

Karl: Uhh, sad film. Uhhh, when I was younger, I couldn't watch it.

Ricky: Tell us a bit about it. What is it about?

Karl: It's about a fella.

Ricky: Who's John Merrick?

Karl: It's about a fella who's got a funny head.

Ricky: Right, tell us this.

Karl: And, umm... you know, he lives in, uhh- I think he lives in London in, like, the- 'bout- in the 1930s or something like that and he's being picked on all the time and stuff.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: And, umm, first time you watch it, you'll probably cry a bit and then the second time you watch it you're just, sort of, thinking, "God, that would be bad... Sort of having a head like that, being picked on all the time", then the third time you watch it you might think, you know, "Ooooh, uh.... how does he get his jumper on?"

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uhhhh... then... dunno probably bored of it the fourth time.

Ricky Laughs Loudly

Karl: But, but it's well worth watching. So, uhh, "Elephant Man", uhh...

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: Yeah, see it.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: I think if you want to get on TV, Karl, you'd be better as the subject of, maybe, like, an Omnibus documentary.

Ricky: (Giggling) Yeah.

Steve: "Living With Karl".

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Or maybe one of those, uhh, appeals in "Comic Relief"... "It won't all go to people abroad, you know. There's some people in this country who need our help."

Ricky: (Giggling) Yeah.

Song: Libertines - Time For Heroes

What a Great Day

Ricky: See ya later. Who is it?

Steve: That's The Libertines, "Time For Heroes".

Ricky: Oh, right, yeah.... So Karl, what a great day. Karl- he's done his, uhh, screen test. That's going back to MTV now to the bigwigs to have a look at.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Shouldn't mention wigs.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: We've had, uhh, "Rockbusters", we've had, uhh, "Educating Ricky", we had "Educating Karl".

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: And, uhh, Claire here next week, so...

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: But you'll be back for the big Christmas, uhh- Christmas spectacular.

Karl: Yeah. And that's, uhh- that's that. I've not been happy today.

Ricky: Go on. Why?

Karl: If someone's listened for the first time today, it's- it is normally better than this.

Ricky: It's not.

Karl: No, it is. It is.

Ricky: Well, I don't think it is.

Karl: So, uhh...

Ricky: I really- I really don't think it is.

Karl: So, that's that, then.... so I'll see you in...

Steve: Two weeks.

Karl: Two weeks, yeah.

Steve: All right, enjoy yourself.

Karl: Cheers.

Steve: Best of luck with MTV.

Karl: All right, I'll, uhh, see you later.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: See ya.

Steve: Cheers.

XFM