02 July 2005

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant present the last ever Xfm show: a monumental moment for all 10 listeners. It has to be cut short due to Ricky introducing REM at Live 8, at which he is persuaded to do the David Brent dance in front of 2 billion people.

Track Listing

1. Steve-ophile (0:00:00)

Karl has a new nickname: "Wacky Manc" he was described in a newspaper, while Ricky's genital exposure also made the press. A blast from the past as a listener emails in to say that they remember Karl body popping. He did moonwalking, caterpillar and body popping but did not supply the linoleum himself. Ricky and Steve hope he didn't spin on his head, lest he get a round, bald and stupid. Karl is audibly frustrated at Ricky's leaving early to "Make Poverty History". Steve bought a wristband in a shop that read "stop child abuse", as he'd have only spent the money on kiddie porn anyway. Ricky doubts the effect of wristbands. Ricky will finish a sentence at some point. Intro to the big prizes which will be given out at the end of today's show.

2. Make Pilkington History (0:03:41)

Karl wonders what the Monkees song just played was about, and teases us with a mention of this week's Song With A Story, but won't mention the song yet. The three recap last week's debacle of Wonderful Tonight being about a "wheelchair fella". Karl is annoyed as the day marks not only Live 8, but a gay march through London. Karl re-tells his theory about gay people, then is disgusted that he saw a homosexual man rushing to the march on a bike, in high heels. Steve wonders if someone is gay but wants to make poverty history, what will they do today? Karl hates Live8 and could've told them ages ago that they weren't going to pay it back, and feels that more stringent checks should have been applied to the Africans, like Karl had to do when he was sorting out his mortgage. Karl thinks the debt should be cancelled, but only if he is allowed to stop paying for tools for the Ethiopians. Karl will be livid if Geldof does another gig next year. It's an opportunity to see Keane for free. Karl hates crowds so doesn't wish to attend the concert, preferring to stay at home and have a cake and a cup of tea, so he has a nicer memory. Ricky points out that Karl's memory will be that he was having a cup of tea and cake with a chimp. Karl snaps that Ricky and Steve don't do enough for charity anyway. His idea of charity is a little Chinese fella sat on the pavement with a poster. Steve's perfect charity was when women walked through London in their bras.

3. The Last 'Busters (0:10:48)

A text message from Rob says: "Only an hour and a half today? Well, poverty does have some benefits". Ricky remembers of the infamous Richard "Dickie" Anderson. Ladder 49 is a prize for Rockbusters, and Steve appeals for a review to be texted in. Karl reads the clues.

4. Lanky Boy Grim (0:14:35)

Ricky is actually nervous about introducing REM at Live 8, though he never gets nervous. Steve attacks Ricky's casual attire, and says he should have worn a jacket. Ricky needs his tracksuit bottoms, as he is too lazy to deal with buttons. One day he'll wear a one dry wipe babygrow. Steve suggests the red flannel cowboy long-johns. Ricky laments the lack of correspondence from Dickie Anderson and Chris Campling. Steve says that his DJing is better than Live8, and that at a recent party, the crowd loved him. Karl doubts it, although he doesn't like DJing any more due to crowds, but used to go down a storm with his outfit Pilkie's Makin Music. Steve tells of a recent wedding gig he had. He spent hours preparing, wore a suit and headphones and was prepared to do the gig of his life. He opened with Frankie Valli and Jackson 5 but due to the good weather, everybody was outside and unable to hear Steve's set. Steve was agitated at the lack of attendance, and even more livid when an annoying young child did some insulting MCing on a microphone, which goes right into Steve's ears. The child's father came along but joined in. Steve got a friend to stealthfully unplug the mic. Eventually, people started to get into the groove, and really enjoyed Steve's set, until the bride selfishly announced that she was throwing the bouquet which distracted them again.

5. Rainman Keeps Falling On His (Round) Head (0:24:59)

Steve says sorry for not doing any shout-outs on the show, then gives props to his grandparents. Karl doesn't like change, but isn't as bad as Suzanne's parents. Karl's routine has been broken with early Rockbusters and the overall "plan" for the show interrupted. Karl reluctantly does Song With A Story: "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town". Karl thinks it is unfair that the wheelchair-bound war veteran shoots his wife for cheating on him. Steve wonders why he doesn't meet women like Ruby.

6. Karl Plum-ington (0:29:28)

Steve and Ricky are annoyed that they are missing Live8, but say that they could do more swearing than usual as nobody is listening. Steve is rewatching Witness, and tells Karl about the Amish. Karl thinks that the farming people were just delayed and don't know of anything prior to the 20th century. Ricky puts him right but Karl wonders if the Amish still get junk mail. Steve suggests that Karl should be Amish, though Karl prefers the Hare Krishna religion, but is interrupted by coins falling out of Ricky's pocket, since he's nearly lying down. A plum was given to Karl by a Hare Krishna but he didn't eat it as he wasn't sure where the man's hands had been. Steve tries to explain the religion but Karl doesn't like the liturgy. He liked his time in the Crusaders as a child, where he went on Friday nights to play Subbuteo and table tennis. He didn't go Sundays. Karl wants something extra from a religion. Ricky says Karl should get a hobby instead of a faith, Steve suggests Judaism but Karl couldn't deal with the fasting as he likes his Cheerios in the morning.

7. Answers That Make Less Sense Than The Questions They Came From (0:39:07)

Time to wrap it up, and Steve doesn't want to make any promises about coming back at Christmas. Rockbusters answers, and congratulations to Rob, who sent the text massage earlier. Steve thinks their listeners don't deserve the great prizes. Gavin Thomson of Edinburgh wins the big prizes: the Simpsons and Spinal Tap goodies. Karl frets over how the prizes will get to Edinburgh, and Ricky suggests Bob Geldof takes them.

8. Poker-mon(key) (0:43:03)

Broadcasting during Live8 is the equivalent of broadcasting on hospital radio during Christmas dinner when everybody on the ward has an iPod for Christmas. On Karl's section of the Xfm site are links to an animated Monkey News. Karl feels drained and none of them want to be there, but Ricky wants to save this show to listen back in ten years. Monkey News about a card game taking place in a darkened room at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. One player is mysterious. Steve wonders if he was holding his cards with his feet. They were getting through more nuts than usual. Karl cuts to Bruce Springsteen as he can't be bothered. Ricky and Steve say goodbye, and so endeth the Xfm saga.

Quotes

Steve: Basically Ricky is wearing .. he's made so little effort, the only way he could have made less effort was if he wasn't wearing any clothes. If he was just wearing his underpants, that he slept in.

Ricky: This is the strangest radio show in the world.

Steve: But the truth is that the listeners aren't listening- and we dont want to be here... so this really is one of the most pointless things ever!

Rockbusters

Richard's kid cuts hair for a living, alright? B.D.
I have a problem saying the French word for "well". K.
Take 52 kebabs, times by 27, the fella is struggling to work it out, whats gone on there? D.S.

Playlist

Ben Folds - Landed
The Monkees - Pleasant Valley Sunday
Embrace - Gravity
REM - Nightswimming
World Party - Put The Message In The Box
Magic Numbers - Forever Lost
Elvis Costello - I Still Have That Other Girl In My Head
Turin Brakes - Fishing For A Dream
Bruce Springsteen - Lonesome Day

External Links

• Video of Ricky introducing REM - from rickygervais.com

See Also

• Xfm Series 1
• Xfm Series 2
• Xfm Series 3