07 June 1998/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 June 1998 episode, from Xfm Series 0

Kicking Off With This Little Ditty

Song: Bernard Butler - A Change of Heart

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. Coming up on today's show: Radiohead, Pulp, Oasis, Blur, Nirvana, Jesus and Mary Chain, Puff Daddy, The Smiths, Faith No More, The Cure and uh, kicking off with this little ditty.

Song: The Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It?

A Lovely Berkshire Accent

Ricky: Mock Turtles, Can You Dig It. On XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve. D'you remember that one?

Steve: It's a classic, Gervais.

Ricky: Lovely, innit?

Steve: I used to play that when I used to run a mobile disco.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: There's nothing wrong with that!

Ricky: Did you really?

Steve: That's a great way to get into radio.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You run yourself a mobile disco or you know, get involved with hospital radio...

Ricky: Yeah and the ladies come along, see the flashing lights and the big tunes and... see you and...

Steve: Go home.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: With a bloke

Steve: Wi- normally with a fella.

Ricky: A human.

Steve: But err... yeah anyway, moving on.

Ricky: Well coming up in today's show, as I said we've got uh all the- the greatest hits...

Steve: The "greatest tits"?

Ricky: Now you see-

Steve: That is what you said!

Ricky: Now I was gonna say that there'll be no swearing on today's show.

Steve: That's not swearing.

Ricky: No there's gonna be none at all, no profanity or filth or anything like that on today's show. There was too much last week and it's gotta be stopped, seriously.

Steve: What, the boss was it? Has he been knobbling you?

Ricky: No, higher authority than him.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What, the radio authority?

Ricky: No...

Steve: Have they been onto you? I tell you the reason is cos you were pushing it last week-

Ricky: No.

Steve: I'm no surprised-

Ricky: It was my mum... I gotta stop swearing.

Steve: (laughs) Why?

Ricky: Well it was her birthday, and I phoned her in the week, and she launched straight into it, I was- well listen, listen to this.

Steve: You- you taped your mum?

Ricky: Yeah, listen.

Phone rings

Ricky's mum: Yep?

Ricky: Happy Birthday.

Ricky's mum: Oh! Do you know, you don't half go far on your radio don't yer?

Ricky: What...

Ricky's mum: Your language my son!

Ricky: What?

Ricky's mum: Well, arse and piss and... c-u-n-t with the-

Ricky: I don't- I don't say it, no it's all bleeped out it's all electronically uh cleaned up.

Ricky's mum: Yeah, we know! You take it steady, I didn't bring you up that way!

Ricky: Yeah well I got it from you, you used to 'F' and 'C' all over the place when I was little.

Ricky's mum: No I didn't!

Ricky: Well you did- you used to come in, with a bottle of gin in one hand and a cigar in the other...

Ricky's mum: You lying git!

Ricky: Yeah no, from bingo right, you used to come in with the vicar, nick his sherry, you used to come in, effin' and blindin', you know I'm 5 years old, how am I meant to be-

Ricky's mum: You lying toad!

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: You're a lying toad!

Ricky: How old are ya?

Ricky's mum: Seventy-three.

Ricky: Seventy-three.

Ricky's mum: And I used to correct you in every way you spoke.

Ricky: Yeah?

Ricky's mum: You didn't learn a lot, got a real old Berkshire accent.

Ricky: Well yeah I wonder where that came from?

Ricky's mum: And that other bloke, tell him your handle is "Ricky".

Ricky: Why, what's the matter?

Ricky's mum: And it's not "Gervaiz", it's "Jervai".

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: So correct him when he's on the radio.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: Your handle is "Ricky".

Ricky: Yeah, d'you wanna give him a message cos I'm taping this.

Ricky's mum: (laughing) Oh, you ain't!

Ricky: Yeah!

Ricky's mum: (telling someone else) He said "Do you wanna give a message cos I'm taping it!"

Song: Faith No More - From Out Of Nowhere

I'm In The Land Of The Brain Bottles

Ricky: Faith No More, From Out Of Nowhere, on XFM 104.9. Well.

Steve: Eh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Pathetic.

Ricky: What?

Steve: "Gervai"? Oh it's gotta be Ricky "Gervai"! "My mummy says it's gotta be Ricky Gervai!"

Ricky: You don't wanna get on the wrong side of her.

Steve: "Steve, don't call me Gervaiz anymore it's Ricky Gervai"!

Ricky: Honestly, you don't wanna wind her up.

Steve: And what's all that nonsense about "handle", your "handle" is "Ricky Gervai", wh- handle? What's she talking about?

Ricky: She was into CB wasn't she?

Steve: (laughs) What?

Ricky: Yeah. She was alot younger then, she was about 60 when it was at its peak and uh, she used to go 'round, saying things like "I'm in the land of the brain bottles, I'll be at eye for eyeball, pregnant rollerskate", all that sort of stuff, I didn't know what she was talking about. "What are you talking about, I'm in the pub." right. She used to have a gang.

Steve: (laughs) your mum?

Ricky: Yeah, used to- they were called the "Backyardies". They used to come out and you know, be in the garden.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You know, doing a bit of gardening.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Crazy pavin'.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "'ere, help me with that rockery, Lil' Chill." That was her name.

Steve: Lil' Chill?

Ricky: Yeah that was next door, her name was Lill and she, you know, she married Mr. Chill. So she was Lil' Chill.

Steve: Heh.

Ricky: Yeah honestly, you don't wanna wind her up. We got an ad break then Radiohead and then the second half of the call, it gets, no, you'll know why I'm scared of her after this.

Song: Radiohead - No Surprises

How Do You Explain That Physique?

Ricky: It's funny right, cos I was in Crowley's show earlier - Gary Crowley, have you heard of Gary Crowley?

Ricky's mum: I dunno whether I have or not.

Ricky: Gary Crowley he's a DJ.

Ricky's mum: Oh.

Ricky: You'd better say yes you have cos he's gonna listen to this.

Ricky's mum: Yeah I've heard of him, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. (laughs) What d'you think of him?

Ricky's mum: Not bad.

They both laugh

Ricky's mum: But listen, we've taped all your last three weeks, I'm just gonna send it up to Larry today.

Ricky: Yeah?

Ricky's mum: For him to hear.

Ricky: Good.

Ricky's mum: You Go careful, you don't half go near the bone.

Ricky: (laughs) I bet you can't wait, you don't believe I'm gonna play this do ya?

Ricky's mum: (laughs) Not if there's any swearing on it you better not!

Ricky: Well you wouldn't swear would ya?

Ricky's mum: No! I never taught you to swear anyway.

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: I used to correct you in everything you said and done.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: Even to the T's in the "water".

Ricky: "Water"?

Ricky's mum: Remember? And the T's in the "butter".

Ricky: You've never had water.

Ricky's mum: No...

Ricky: Unless it's mixed in with beer.

Ricky's mum: No.

Ricky: Uh remember when you taught me to do the dustman's blow when you hold one nostril and blow it all out the others?

Ricky's mum: You filthy animal!

Ricky: (laughs) That's- you taught me that!

Ricky's mum: I did not!

Ricky: You used to come in, and you used to- if I was naughty you used to gob at me.

Ricky's mum: (telling someone else) He ain't half talking filth here!

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: You know I couldn't do that because things like that make me sick anyway.

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: Yeah.

Ricky: I can't wait to play this on Sunday.

Ricky's mum: No, and I won't wait to get up there and get ya.

Ricky: Do us and ident, say: "Ricky Gervais is my son, on XFM."

Ricky's mum: Ricky Gervais is my son, on XFM?

Ricky: 104.9

Ricky's mum: 104.9?

Ricky: Yeah. That's it.

Ricky's mum: I think that's a nice Berkshire accent.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: Right. Okay then, seventy-three!

Ricky's mum: Yeah don't tell everybody, they'll all wanna join in.

Ricky: Yeah um... alright then well I'll um...

Ricky's mum: Right.

Ricky: Seventy-three.

Ricky's mum: And you go careful, what you're saying.

Ricky: Alright then.

Ricky's mum: Right?

Ricky: See ya later.

Ricky's mum: Cheerio.

Ricky: Bye.

Ricky: So, no swearing Steve, yeah?

Steve: You are- I can't believe you're scared of your mum.

Ricky: I'm not scared of my mum.

Steve: You're scared of your mum!

Ricky: And you said I was drinking last night on the show, last time. I wasn't.

Steve: No you weren't- might not have been drinking, you were smoking.

Ricky: Oh, she knows I don't smoke.

Steve: Well no, she knows you don't smoke cigarettes.

Ricky: Don't! You don't know her, Steve.

Steve: ...eh? And what about the er, does she know about the steroids?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Eh? I mean how do you explain that physique when you go around to see her?

Ricky: She just thinks I work out alot.

Steve: Well, it just seems to me Gervais that, no swearing, on the Ricky Gervais show? I mean that's what's made our name! That's our bread and butter!

Ricky: "Butter" it is, there's two T's in "butter".

Steve: It just seems to me Gervais that you're compromising the show.

Ricky: I wouldn't-

Steve: You're compromising the show!

Ricky: I wouldn't compromise the show just cos my mum's listening! Here's Kenny Rogers.

Song: Kenny Rogers - Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

Song: Bran Van 3000 - Drinking in L.A.

They’re West Country

Ricky: Bran Van 3000 on XFM 104.9

Steve: Beautiful, Gervais. Are there any reasons, Gervais, for people to stay tuned- "Gervai" I should say. Any reasons for-

Ricky: Leave it.

Steve: Any reasons for-

Ricky: You don't know her.

Steve: Well. Any reasons Gervai... for people to (laughs) for people to stay tuned to the show?

Ricky: What, apart from Jesus and Mary Chain, Puff Daddy, The Smiths, Cure, still to come... what, Oasis, Blur...

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: Two pairs of Jesus and Mary Chain tickets to give away.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: And five pairs of wristbands for... Embrace.

Steve: Embrace wristbands?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What is that, sort of like a memento?

Ricky: You're an idiot aren't you?

Steve: Have I embarrassed myself?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What are they?

Ricky: They get you into the gig don't they.

Steve: Get you into the Embrace gig?

Ricky: It's like a ticket but you can't forge it, you can't photocopy a ticket.

Steve: That's incredible

Ricky: I mean a writband.

Steve: Well it's beautiful.

Ricky: Well you could.

Steve: Gervais we're gabbling.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We're gabbling. Gervais I've also got a great gag for you, it seems like we have a gag every week now, I've got a great gag for you. Plus Gervais, I have come up with the perfect murder. Perfect murder Gervais, later on XFM.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Listening to your mum earlier on...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's grea- old people are great. I'm not gonna lie to you, but I was just thinking cos she reminds me a lot of my uh, of my grandmother. My grandmother and my grandfather.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I went to see them fairly recently, it was beautiful, and I go round there and my grandad says to my grandmother things like you know um, "Oh turn the heating down Joan, would ya?" "Switch off the telly Joan..."

Ricky: Her name's not Joan, he's just lost it I take it.

Steve: Well, she- she- he calls her Joan,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: But her name's Irene.

Ricky: You're joking.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You're joking!

Steve: Her name's Irene.

Ricky: Oh no, well he reall- oh, sorry.

Steve: But it's not senile, it's not- see that's the thing is you think he's senile or something, he's not, right, he calls her Joan, her name's Irene, right, I asked why, obviously, uh, he said um...

Ricky: He said "Well Dave, I'll tell ya."

Steve: (laughs) No it's absolutely true he's not senile, right, he calls her Joan right, because when they first met, he asked her "What's your name?" and she went "...Joan." Her name's Irene, she said "Joan". I said to her, "Why did you give him..."

Ricky: The plot thickens!

Steve: "Why did you give him a false name?" She said, "You can never be too sure".

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "You can never be too careful." That's as much as she's told me. Ridiculous! What did she think she was gonna achieve by giving him a false name? She didn't tell him right, that her real name was Irene until eight days before they got married. Incredible.

Ricky: That is fantastic.

Steve: I don't know wh- I mean-

Ricky: They're west country aren't they?

Steve: West country.

Ricky: Right. They should have known, they're presumably cousins weren't they?

Steve: (laughs) Don't start, Gervais.

Ricky: Okay. After the break, Jesus and Mary Chain and those tickets to give away.

Song: The Jesus and Mary Chain - Black

Song: PJ Harvey - Victory

Xfm 104.7?

Ricky: PJ Harvey and Victory on XFM 104.9, before that it was Black and Jesus and Mary Chain, don't forget I've got two pairs of tickets to give away for the Jesus and Mary Chain gig on Saturday the 4th of July at the Royal Festival Hall. We've also got five pairs of wristbands for Embrace.

Steve: Well I'll tell you about that, Gervais-

Ricky: Yeah, "Let me do it. Ohh let me do something! Let me do something!" You do it Steve, then.

Steve: You can take the mick, Gervais...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright, at least I'm not scared of my mum!

Ricky: That's because she's your sister aswell.

Steve: Shh... Gervais, this evening at the HMV on Oxford Street, the HMV music shop,

Ricky: "The HMV Music Shop"!

Steve: Heh, as opposed to the- the-

Ricky: ...Hardware store

Steve: The sandwich counter.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright yeah, alright...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Okay. Anyway it's about 11 o'clock tonight, Embrace are gonna be there, they're gonna be playing tracks alright,

Ricky: We- are they?!

Steve: They could have just been there, it's quite feasible they were just there buying records or something!

Ricky: So it's Embrace, that pop band, they're gonna be doing some music?

Steve: No, they coulda been there buying records!

Ricky: Go on, get on with it.

Steve: Or calendars!

Ricky: No you're doing alright.

Steve: Anything.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: This should be fairly straightforward this, all I've gotta do is read out what it says here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How hard can it be?

Ricky: No, easy... go on.

Steve: This is the kind of bread and butter of being a DJ Gervais, and we can't even pull this off.

Ricky: Loo- I'm fine, you try and read- go on.

Steve: Anyway, Embrace are gonna be there, I don't know the facts, maybe they aren't gonna be playing music.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: I don't know, they could be doing pottery,

Ricky: Really...

Steve: They could be bringing some stuff that they've made perhaps, pictures that they've drawn.

Ricky: You really have brought the level down.

Steve: Maybe there's some sort of crochet-

Ricky: The important thing is, you've gotta come here between 8 and 10 tonight-

Steve: Shut up, let me finish.

Ricky: Go on then, have a go.

Steve: Embrace are... there's something going on at HMV later on alright, in Oxford Street, it features Embrace, they're there, it's to do with there album or whatever, it starts about 11 o'clock alright, we've got wristbands, five pairs of wristbands to give away right, so you can get in there and see them do whatever the hell they're doing, morris dancing or whatever the hell it is alright, but the things is alright, we're gonna do the competition in a minute to win these wristbands okay, you understand?

Ricky: This is slick, this is good radio.

Steve: Super slick, Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: We've got the wristbands and everything right, but the thing is before you phone in for 'em in a minute, when the competition's launched, in a minute right, not now,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (laughs) It's going well! You've got to be able to come down here to XFM this evening between 8 and 10 to have the wristbands attached to you... alright? Do you understand?

Ricky: And if you're going with a guest, they have to come with you.

Steve: I was moving on to that!

Ricky: Okay, it was just that I wanted to get on before... July, really.

Steve: (sighs) I think that's enough for now

Ricky: Yeah I know. There's one thing that I mean-

Steve: I'm exhausted.

Ricky: We're rubbish, but the most important thing is, "XFM 104.9". Say that on every ident so they know what they're listening to, someone just tuning in to the radio, and it's "Oh, what's this? I like this." "XFM 104.9" "Good, I'll listen tomorrow aswell." It's bread and butter, that is fundamental.

Steve: Oh yeah. Textbook. That is texbook DJing. XFM 104.9

Ricky: Exactly. Um which is wha- we do it all the time. Um, Lawrie Halibut- is it Halibut or Haddock?

Steve: I don't know.

Ricky: The bloke who does the review show after us.

Steve: I'm not sure he-

Ricky: He comes in, he slags us off, he moans about the mess and everything. This was his first link last week, listen to this:

Clip is played

Lawrie: No reason for playing it except someone else played it and I heard it and I thought that was good so I'll play it too. Very good evening to you, it's Lawrie Hallett with XFM's X-rated review show on 104.7,

Ricky: I'll stop you there, Lawrie-

Lawrie: ...and we have Ricky and Steve out of the building, they're gone, they're finished.

Ricky: Yeah, I... 104.7!

Steve: 104.7?

Ricky: D'you think he's moonlighting?

Steve: He's a little bit embarrassed I'd imagine about now.

Ricky: (laughs) XFM...

Lawrie: (being repeated) ...104.7.

Ricky: Yeah that's what I thought you said. Excellent. And some people even make like, you know some stations do like whole jingles, musical jingles so it helps you remember it, like (singing) "95.3 Capital FM" so you can't forget it, d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We should do that.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: (singing) "104.9, XF-" d'you know what I mean? It's just so simple.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (singing) "95.12 Capital FM!"

Song: Scope - Song for Bobby

Perfect Murder

Ricky: Scope, Song for Bobby on XFM 104.9, just gone 5 o'clock, it's about time for a perfect murder.

Steve: Heh, Gervais, everybody knows somebody they want to kill.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Alright, everybody's thought about-

Ricky: Can I just say we're not actually saying that's a good thing.

Steve: Well no, no we're not advocating murder but we're saying that it is something that crosses people's minds, and if you are tempted to murder somebody, why not-

Ricky: At least get it right!

Steve: At least get it right, exactly. Now Gervais, I'm sure you yourself have realised perhaps the reason you haven't committed a murder yourself,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: This could be the reason you haven't committed a murder, is that you know, "What am I gonna do with the murder weapon?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the stumbling block you see, if there's a murder weapon, you can normally sort of trace, you know, trace the murder weapon back to the murderer. You see, the murder weapon's the problem. You've gotta dispose of it you know, whatever. See now I have come up with the perfect murder Gervais, alright? It's simple, it's so simple I can't believe other people haven't thought of it! What you do is, say the person you want to murder lives in the street opposite alright, lives in a house opposite say, right, what you do is, you rent a room opposite theirs, alright? You wait until one day their window is open, alright, and then what you do is you take a block of ice Gervais, ice, alright, and you fashion from it, an arrow. An ice arrow, alright? With a very sharp point, alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And you get yourself a bow, and you fire that ice arrow across the sreet, through the window into the heart of the person you wanna murder, killing them instantly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They stumble, they fall the the ground.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: And then, the ice arrow melts, Gervais. Murder weapon - it's gone! Gone into thin air, the wet patch dries, the police arrive, they can't find the murder weapon - safe.

Ricky: This bow, is this made of ice?

Steve: The- well the bow... the bow, see that... all that is is a bit of wood and string.

Ricky: Right..?

Steve: That could be anybody's bow.

Ricky: Nevertheless it is a bow isn't it?

Steve: That could be anybody's bow!

Ricky: Yeah but if then if you bludgeon someone to death with a hammer it could be anyone's hammer. Nevertheless the fingerprints would possibly still be on the bow.

Steve: But the ice arrow, it's just- it's melted, oh yeah.

Ricky: Right. So what they'll do is, they'll probably find you wandering round with a bow yeah, look at this bloke who you didn't like, yeah, they'll have motive because you presumably didn't like him.

Steve: Hmm I didn't...

Ricky: Then they'll see like, a little hole in his heart with some water.

Steve: No, it's dried!

Ricky: Dried out, has it?

Steve: The water's dried. See that's why it makes it the perfect murder. Cos the- the ice has melted and dried.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Brilliant. that is brilliant!

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Fanta- it's incredible. There is basically not one hole in that plan.

Ricky: No. So... do you have to conveniently find somewhere that has got a flat to let opposite him aswell?

Steve: (laughing) Well... well... that is the perfect murder! Ooh yeah...

Ricky: Okay. Um, presumably you've only got one ice arrow?

Steve: Just the one. You only need one.

Ricky: So you've been practicing presumably with other arrows? Sort of, to get your shot just right. Just as he walks in front of the window, you can release this... this fatal arrow of ice!

Steve: Are you- are you mocking my plan?

Ricky: No it's good, it's good. This is Mudhoney, we'll talk about this after.

Song: Mudhoney - Night of the Hunted

The Perfect Fax

Ricky: Night of the Haunted by Mudhoney on XFM 104 point... what is it? 9. Yeah it's 9.

Steve: 104.9, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, where do you make the um "ice arrow"?

Steve: Well you can do that in your living room or your kitchen.

Ricky: So what do you do, do you have a mold or do you carve it out of a big block of ice?

Steve: I think you just chip away at a big block of ice.

Ricky: Where d'you get that from?

Steve: Well you just- you can buy big blocks of ice, I expect?

Ricky: Yeah, okay. I'll be honest I'm being a bit sarcastic, I think that's it's a stupid idea, it would never work, you're an idiot. 01715802000, can we have some proper perfect murders please?

Steve: 01715802000 your perfect murders, or heh, they could fax us - the perfect fax! (laughs) 01715801234. I think we should give away a pair of those Embrace wristbands to the perfect murder.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The best perfect murder.

Ricky: I just went out to the fax machine, there was no fax at all but just a puddle of water by it!

Steve: Suspicious...

Ricky: Yeah. After this break, Oasis.

Song: Oasis - Some Might Say

Song: Nirvana - On a Plain

Tell Her You're Gay, Ray

Ricky: Nirvana, On a Plain, before that, Oasis and Some Might Say...

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I was listening to Capital the other day.

Steve: Oh it's a fantastic station.

Ricky: Great station.

Steve: You know it plays the hits from the 70s, 80s and 90s?

Ricky: Well it did actually play one.

Steve: Oh really?

Ricky: It reminds of a story, remember last week you were talking about you were bullied at school by Lionel Richie?

Steve: It was a nightmare.

Ricky: I know yeah, he's a big bloke, and uh I was bizarrely bullied by Hanson.

Steve: Odd.

Ricky: (laughs) Strange. Yeah, uh (laughs) But I went to school where there was another mega popstar.

Steve: You didn't.

Ricky: Yeah yeah.

Steve: What are the odds of that?

Ricky: I know, it's amazing. Um, but he wasn't- I didn't get into fights with him, he didn't bully me, but I found in retrospect he was nicking all my ideas.

Steve: I can't believe it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Who was it?

Ricky: It was Paul Simon.

Steve: Well, Simon, he's got a reputation, I'm not surprised.

Ricky: But I mean um, I wrote this song when we were in music class and it was called, "Lots of Ways to Leave a Lover".

Steve: Sounds familiar.

Ricky: Yeah well the one they played on Capital was 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover and I listened and I went, "Hold on..." and it goes um... "You just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don't need to be coy, Roy." He's rhyming a name with a way of leaving your lover.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Um, and I'll show you mine and you'll see the simlarity. "You just hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free." ...right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now, I had one like um, "Run away, Jose."

Steve: (laughing) Right, clever, clever.

Ricky: And uh, "Tell her you'd like to end the relationship, Phillip."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: But I mean you can see the patter emer- and there was one I had um, "Explain to her she should find a man who really loves her and live with him, Tim."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: He hasn't improved on it.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Has he?

Ricky: He's probably made it a little bit... snappier.

Steve: A bit snappier.

Ricky: And my favourite one was um, "Just sit her down and say look, 'I dont think you're my ideal life partner and although we've had a good time, I really don't think we should marry', Barry."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: You know? And all he's done is he's put it in a pop format.

Steve: Yeah and he's sold millions of copies.

Ricky: So I think I'm gonna play him at his own game.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: "Cut off your todger, Roger."

Steve: Obviously, yeah.

Ricky: Uhh "Cut off your knob, Bob."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "Cut off your dick, Rick." ...you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah ummm... "Slice off your willy, Billy."

Ricky: (laughs) That'll do it.

Steve: Um... ermm... "Cut off your John Thomas... John Thomas."

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, that works.

Steve: That works.

Ricky: I had ones like "Get off with her mate, Nate."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: That'll do it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "French kiss her dad, Brad."

Steve: Nice, yeah.

Ricky: That might uh...

Steve: "See someone else... (Ricky joins in) Elsie...?"

Ricky: Doesn't work does it?

Steve: Doesn't really work but-

Ricky: "Tell her you're gay, Ray."

Steve: Tell her you're gay, Ray.

Ricky: Yeah that might- I wasn't prepared to give Hank any advice.

Steve: (laughs) Forget about Hank.

Song: Scott 4 - Your Kingdom to Dust

The Biscuit And Flesh-Eating Squirrel Of Old Regent's Park

Ricky: Scott 4, Your Kingdom to Dust.

Steve: Don't lie to me Gervais, is that who it was?

Ricky: Yeah, it's Scott 4.

Steve: Well, thank God for that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Gervais, I'm a little bit concerned cos we've had an awful big response to our perfect murder appeal.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, normally we say things like, "Phone in if you want money for free." And nobody phones in. You mention murder, the lines start you know, red hot!

Ricky: I think it's the type of listener that we attract.

Steve: Yeah, well it worries me slightly. It's odd, we've had two which is exactly the same suggestion. Uh, Darren from uhh...

Ricky: That is suspicious.

Steve: Well exactly. Darren from Carshalton if that's a real place, I've no idea, and Sarah in Bickley have both come up with the idea of buying a leg of lamb alright, uh freezing it-

Ricky: I like it already.

Steve: Yeah well it's got lamb involved, it's gotta be exciting. I think Darren was "pork" and Sarah was "lamb" you know, that's fair enough.

Ricky: There's something in that, ain't there?

Steve: There's gotta be something. Anyway, you freeze your leg of lamb or your leg of pork, you club- you know, you use it as a club basically, beat someone to death with it,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And then of course you sort of cook up your leg of lamb or pork and serve it to the investigating police officers you see, rather cheekily, and of course evidence of the murder weapon has disappeared.

Ricky: I like- well yeah, but then there'd be like bones and stuff and evidence of cooking. What I'd do is then surgically put it back on the sheep.

Steve: (laughing) Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. Slightly more ambitious that one.

Ricky: I know, but these days, you know...

Steve: Alright we've had another one here, umm... keeping with the ice theme, uh remember my ice idea?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The perfect murder-

Ricky: It's a great idea, yeah.

Steve: Well... The perfect murder would in fact be to freeze the feet of the victim, alright, by placing him in water, the ice having a lower gravity than the water would keep the victim's feet at the top, and the head below water level, th- I'm bored.

Ricky: Would he be in on this then? I presume this person wants to be murdered and therefore would allow you to put his feet in a fridge for 42 minutes.

Steve: I'm not sure how that one works but anyway it ends up with him appearing to have drowned, which... brilliant you know, I mean I admire that, it's a little bit too technical for me.

Ricky: And all he's got to show for it is cold feet.

Steve: Particularly ambitious one from Greg in Harrow,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright, he suggests Gervais, that you invite the person that you wanna murder on a little sort of outing okay, you go out on a very hot day, you take a stroll in Regent's Park alright, you suggest to the person that perhaps you sunbathe for a while okay, they strip off, you say uh, "Shall I just cover you in suntan lotion?"

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: They say "Fair enough." You wait for them to fall asleep, then you sprinkle crushed biscuits over their body,

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: And wait for squirrels to attack and, sort of bite and nibble them to death. Little bit ambitious.

Ricky: Well, this would be the um, the well known biscuit-and-flesh-eating squirrel of old Regent's Park?

Steve: (laughs) Exactly.

Ricky: It's like, "I've had the biscuit, I may as well keep going. There's a lovely little layer of erm, Ambre Solaire there aswell!"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: It's like a little human trifle. It's perfect, it's a three course meal, for any erm, vampire squirrel.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: That's brilliant that is, yeah.

Steve: Well actually I still like that, I still like Greg's suggestion.

Ricky: It's a great suggestion.

Steve: I'm gonna give Greg a pair of these Embrace wristbands if he'd like them. Now uh-

Ricky: They say the proof of the killing is in the eating, um I'd like to see this proved possible first then we can give him a pair of Embrace- so if you find, right, a body and some fat squirrels with blood dripping and some crumbs on their... coats, then uh, he can have 'em, go on then give 'em to him.

Steve: Yeah so Greg you need to come down between 8 and 10 this evening if you want these tickets, bring along a friend if you want and he'll- and what's-his-name here will attach the wristbands to you. They have to be sort of surgically attached to you apparently.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um anyway, perhaps give us another ring and what's-his-name can explain it all to you but anyway well done Greg.

Ricky: Well we've got 4 more pairs to give away.

Steve: Have we.

Ricky: And I've erm, it's not as complicated as that.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: It's the first 4 people to phone up and say, "I'll come." 01715802000

Steve: And they've gotta say,

Ricky: "I'll- yeah I'll come along."

Steve: 01715802000 Good luck!

Ricky: They'll need it.

Penkish Joke of the Week

Ricky: Um well, You've got a joke to tell us, haven't ya?

Steve: Gervais it seems like every week now we get a little gag in.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's great isn't it? It's so sort of Capital-like. Don't you think? It's very Penkish.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: There's nothing wrong with that.

Steve: Is that a- is that a verb? To Penk?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To be Penk?

Ricky: Yeah... if only his name was Pank I could finish my song off. Right, go on.

Steve: (laughs) Steve Pank.

Ricky: Leave it, come on.

Steve: Uhh, Gervais, you might have heard it before.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Heard it last night from some fella.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Why are London buses red?

Ricky: Go on...

Steve: You'd be red if you had to come every ten minutes.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: What d'you think?

Ricky: Oh, it's great!

Steve: It's not bad is it?

Ricky: No, it's good.

Steve: Simple little joke.

Ricky: I like it.

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: Ohh.

Song: Pulp - Babies

The Staples Come Out, Don't They?

Ricky: Pulp and Babies on XFM 104.9

Steve: Gervais this evening Embrace are playing at Oxford Street, uh HMV in Oxford Street alright, we've already given away the five pairs of bracelets that will get you into the gig alright, and the winners Gervais: Greg Robinson for his man-eating squirrel murder idea,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: also Stephen Turton, Dave Newman, Simon Greenwood and uh, Tirou Thirulengem, I can't pronounce the surname, anyway, listen to me very carefully, what you need to do is you neeed to come down here to XFM which is situated at 97 Charlotte Street just off Tottenham Court Road, look in your A to Z, 97 Charlotte Street, come down here between 8 o'clock and 10 o'clock this evening and Nick who's here, he'll attach the bracelets to you. If you're bringing somebody along alright, you need to bring them with you as well, he'll attach the bracelets and then you can walk to HMV in Oxford Street from here, that'll be beautiful. Wonderful evening, you'll see Embrace, alright?

Ricky: The staples come out, don't they?

Steve: Yes, that's right, yeah.

Ricky: We've also got two pairs of tickets to Jesus and Mary Chain.

Steve: Jesus and Mary Chain tickets to give away, it's too exciting.

Ricky: Um, I got a letter here from uh, Tracy Mahoney,

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: Um, "Ricky and Steve."

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: "I love you. Ricky's got the best voice, sense of humour, and taste in music, and the thing I really like about steve is, well um, I respect him for what he is." So two sets of Jesus and Mary Chain tickets up for grabs, 01715802000, what is he? Simple as that.

Steve: Wha- what am I?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: This mocking has gotta stop, Gervais.

Ricky: This is actually for Tracy, this is Suede and We Are the Pigs.

Steve: This has gotta stop. At least I'm not scared of my mum!

Ricky: Leave it.

Steve: (laughs)

Song: Suede - We Are the Pigs

Song: The Cure - Close To Me

You've Got Very Similar Gills

Ricky: Cure, Close To Me on XFM 104.9

Steve: Gervais you've got two pairs of tickets to give away to see The Jesus and Mary Chain and your question was what?

Ricky: "What are you?"

Steve: "What are you?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Meaning, what am I?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright we've had a response.

Ricky: Good.

Steve: I'll be honest with you. Um, not all positive.

Ricky: (laughs) No, it's a shame innit.

Steve: Errm, Adam in Ealing, "Steve is a lonely man."

Both snigger

Steve: Tom in Maida Vale, "Steve is an alien sex fiend." Errm, "Steve is married to his sister."

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I'll be honest with you, the blood tests have not proven anything Gervais.

Ricky: Although you've got very similar gills.

Steve: "Steve is a murdering squirrel." From uh, Dan in Camden.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Steve is king of the instects." King of the insects!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That is true, we all know that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, "Steve is a love machine."

Ricky: You made that one up.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughs) well pick a couple of winners then.

Steve: Uhh I think the best two are probably-

Ricky: Well your favourite, the favourite ones.

Steve: "Steve is Jesus."

Ricky: I'm not having that.

Steve: That is good, from Tru in Holloway Road.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uh, "Steve is a gabby git." From David in Westminster.

Ricky: Well that wins, obviously that wins so he wins one, d'you want to give the one to Steve-

Steve: I quite like "Jesus".

Ricky: Go on then, that's one all innit then, cos you got a bit positive and then uh-

Steve: A little bit negative.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Beautiful, nice response there Gervais

Steve: Um, is that almost it?

Ricky: It is, a little bit.

Steve: Pretty much it, isn't it?

Ricky: You know what I mean? 10 to.

Steve: Yeah what else- anything else, any other loose ends Gervais?

Ricky: Errm...

Steve: Gervai?

Ricky: Uhh, oh yeah, wankingmakesyoudeaf.

Steve: What... Sorry what?

Ricky: Wanking makes you deaf. (laughs)

Steve: Oh clever, oh- yeah, clever, clever.

Song: Puff Daddy - Come With Me