10 January 2004/Transcript

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The Property Market

Song: Snow Patrol - Run

Ricky: Snow Patrol, and Run, on Xfm, 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me - Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington...

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: ...so that's 3 for 1, I dunno... alright?

Steve: Exciting, exciting.

Ricky: Um.... News, news news news. Er... breaking news: is there's only two more weeks of us before we have to go away, on a little extended break again. So, erm, can't give you any more details yet, we don't know when we can come back because, er, we don't know - what we're doing, um, we're going to America, for the Golden Globes, then we're going to watch The Office pilot being filmed. And then, we've got bits... I'm doing a bit of a tour, so it'll be sort of the summertime, probably.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um... I-I'm saying it like they care.

Steve: I don't think they give a damn.

Ricky: I sometimes think that because... erm... You think, er you don't want to let down the people, you want to keep it consistent, you want to give give something back, but really I know I like doing this more than anyone listening.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Definitely, definitely.

Ricky: I love coming in, I love squeezing Karl's head.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I love playing some records... y'know, I like sitting in a room with you - I know you love it!

Steve: Oh....

Ricky: Haha! He can't wait...

Steve: I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing on a Saturday.

Ricky: Yeah. So, er, we've got our Saturdays back though.

Steve: Yeah, that'll be great.

Ricky: I mean, my alarm went off today, and I was a bit tired because we we had a couple of drinks last night, didn't we?

Steve: We had a couple of drinks last night, yeah.

Ricky: We.. party, we're party animals. Um, but erm, oh, I've been looking for an office this week....

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: ...as you know. And it's so stressful...

Steve sighs

Ricky: ....just walking round, just talking to... agents and, er... right, OK. So - my method is this right: I walk the area that I want to be in an office in, because I don't want to hear anything else, I don't want to... you know what I mean? So I walk round, it, er, to be fair it is about a square 500 yards...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right, it's sort of like...

Steve: Your house is in the centre.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah... And so I walk round looking at placards, so I go "That's a nice office", and I phone 'em up, there's loads of different people I've been dealing with, right? And he went "Oh, we've got one in so-and-so street", I think it was Frith Street or summat, right, I went "Oh yeah", I went along to there and said I'll see you there in twenty minutes. I got there - you were there, do you remember?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I looked round, and I said to Steve "It looks alright, there's no... no porn shops or anything like that", right, and Steve went, "Well, it is next to a brothel", and I looked, and there on the next thing, like y'know "Model: First Floor", er, "Suzie", and I phoned them up and I said "Do you know what? Erm.. don't bother coming in", I said "No, because it's next to a brothel". He went "Yep." I went "Erm, right, OK. Just for future reference: I don't want an office literally next to a brothel...".

Steve laughs

Ricky: "...Right? When I go to work, I don't want to walk past prostitutes." Call me old-fashioned, right...

Steve: As you're going into work, there's a prostitute. "Morning", "Morning".

Ricky: "Morning". "Morning. Uhhhhh. Just got a cappuccino?". "Yeah, Starbucks, yeah. Er, business good?". "Yeah, it's a bit slow at the moment, but it picks up later this evening". "Does it really? Good". And, er, I said to him - I've got so... my new year's resolution is being like a little fascist when it comes to business. And I said, er... "Also for future reference, erm, no crack dens, and no wild animals in the porch". And er, I just can't believe it. There's always something wrong - we went to one, right, we got there right, and, er the woman said "I'm newish", she didn't know what keys she was using, and she went "It's the third floor", and she went "No point, we won't both get in the lift." I went "Right. Will you get a desk in the lift?, right, she went "I've got a chair in the lift before".

Steve laughs

Ricky: Brilliant. So... just find me an office, Rathbone Place, sort of Percy Street, Charlotte Street, Dean Street....

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yep. First or second floor.

Steve: I'm worried we're going to get emails from estate agents, phone calls from 'em, you know what those people are like....

Ricky: But I don't look at the emails.

Steve: True. Fair enough.

Ricky: So... play a record.

Negotiation

Song: Joe Jackson - It's Different for Girls

Joe Jackson: <singing> ... You're all the same...

Ricky: Sexist!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Joe Jackson, Different for Girls.

Steve: That's why he's not in the charts anymore.

Ricky: I can't believe it.

Steve: Unbelievable.

Ricky: Erm...

Steve: You were talking about buying an office, I'm a little bit intimidated at the moment because I'm in the process of buying a flat, because I'm tired of just pissing money down the drain.

Ricky: I know. Go on...

Steve: And um... er... I'm just, I'm really petrified, I've put it off and put it off because I just, I'm really gullible. I just, when I'm confronted with anyone in a suit who sort of knows what they're talking about. They can sell me anything, I'm intimidated, it's like, you know you're supposed do go in there and act like you're the guy with the money, you're the - this is what I want this is what I nah nah nah. But I go there and it's like I'm afraid they're going to say "Clear off. I don't want to - I don't want to sell you a house. I'm not interested".

Ricky: Yeah. Have you ever like, really thought of like, putting on some sort of cool air, like erm, sort like kicking in the door and going "What wood's that?".

Steve laughs

Ricky: He'd be found out in thirty seconds, wouldn't you? You'd go in there and you'd stub your toe, and they'd go "What'd you kick that for?", "I've hurt my toe, I've hurt my toe".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Just tapping the walls...

Ricky: Yeah, tapping the wall. "What's the, er, what's the rates like?", <immediate> "What Rates?", "I don't... know".

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, this is - I don't know if I told you before, I went to by a laptop computer...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: ...an everyone said "Go up Tottenham Court Road", and I reading in magazines and stuff, and they were saying "Haggle, make sure you haggle, you've got to - you're planning to haggle, get the best deal you can". And I found a shop which was selling the computer I wanted, and I went in there, and I had this whole plan in my mind of what was going to happen, he was going to say like "It's worth this", I'm going to go "Well look, I can get it cheaper here, I want to buy it from you, I'm going to haggle, da-da-da-da-da", and off I went. So I went in the shop, and I said "Yeah, I'm looking for this, interested in this Toshiba, how much is it?", he went "Oh, it's 1500 quid", I went "Sure, sure". OK, I said "I'll give you 1300", he went "It's 1500", and I said "Sure, but I'm willing to give you the 1300", he went "1500.", and I was... I was done, already <Ricky has started laughing at this point>, because he hadn't even begun to haggle. And I was assuming he'd at least go "1400", and we could start, but nothing. So now I was screwed, my whole plan went out the window.

Ricky: What did you do, just leave?

Steve: Well, no, I said to him "The thing is, I can get this computer cheaper down the road, but, y'know, I like what you're providing here, I like the service, I've had good... I've heard good stuff about you...".

Ricky: I don't...

Steve: I said "I've heard good stuff about you", and I went, I said, er "Seriously, I can buy it for cheaper if I walk down the street, for 1400", and he went "Well... see you later then". And I was like "Right...", so I walked out the place, I said "Well I'm going to have to leave then", and I walked out the place and, erm, of course I wanted to get it from there, because it was still the cheapest, so I had to walk back in again! I went "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Um... I've um, I've just had some second thoughts, listen, I tell you what, I'll pay the 1500, can I get a free carry-case?", he went "The carry-case is free anyway", I said "I'll take it".

Ricky laughs

Ricky: "The carry-case is free anyway"!

Steve: I got nothing.

Ricky: "No, but how much would you charge for the carry-case, like, if it was on sale?", "The carry-case? A tenner?", "Well let's just say it is a tenner, give it to me for free", and he went "No, it's a tenner", and you went "Well you said it was free a minute ago!"

Steve: Yeah. It was just pathetic...

Ricky: That's lovely.

Steve: ...absolutely pathetic. It's the having to walk out making a big statement, and then come back in again.

Ricky: Oh... Oh dear.

Steve: And... so, I, I just, I'm really scared, I feel like I need someone to come with me and do all the talking, you know, know what they're talking about, because I don't... I'm not going to be able to tell if there's subsidence, of if there's damp, or...

Ricky: No, but you don't do that...

Steve: I didn't realise, is that not my responsibility?

Ricky: No, you get a survey done.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And they charge for that, and then the... you don't have to go round doing it yourself.

Steve: Right. Could I make a saving if I did it myself?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, "This should be alright", "There's a hole in the wall Steve", "Yeah... but what's a hole in the wall...?"

Steve: Just put some newspaper over that...

Ricky: "...In Chaucer's day that was the toilet...".

Steve laughs

Ricky: "...that'll be fine". Karl, you're a second time buyer, aren't you, you bought...

Karl: Yeah yeah yeah. Bought one in Manchester...

Steve: Yeah..

Karl: ....lost seven grand on that one.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, don't buy in Manchester.

Karl: No, it's a good flat, it's just there wasn't... I didn't buy it to sort of make money, I thought I was going to be living there, like, all me life....

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: ...and then a job came up here, and it was like "Oh...".

Ricky: You bought your first flat in Manchester, you assumed you would be living there for the rest of your life?

Karl: Well I wasn't in a rush...

Ricky: Play a record, you're an idiot.

Steve: Hang on a minute, I, so you've got a property portfolio? Have you got the two houses now?

Karl: No, no, I've got rid of that one.

Steve: Oh, you sold that one...

Karl: Got this flat...

Steve: ...at at seven thousand pound loss.

Karl: Tell you something that is interesting...

Ricky: Hold on though...

Karl: What?

Ricky: Seven thousand pound lost?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: It... a flat in Manchester. But it could only have cost eight grand anyway.

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, Steve, something you - they do now, right, they've got to do by law when you're buying, right. I was looking at one, in London, right. Erm, it's haunted, they've got to tell you now.

Ricky: Right. Don't. Talk. Shit.

Karl: I'm telling you now...

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: I'm telling you now...

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. There's no such thing as ghosts. That... if that... that is ridiculous if it appears on a legal document.

Karl: Right. If there's anyone who sells flats and that, does that for a living.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Right. Email in...

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: ...because, I'm telling you now, that, that is a fact. She sort of dropped it in, I said "Oh, nice feel here", she said "Yeah, well that'll be the ghost", just dropped it in, that's all they've got to do. And then I was like "What?", and they went, er...

Ricky: That's all they've got to do is it? So that's the legal thing. "Did you drop it in?", so in court, you go "Did you drop it in?", "Yeah, I dropped it in". Play a record, you're an idiot.

Steve laughs

Song: David Gray - This Year's Love

Emails

Ricky: <DJ Voice> That's David Gray and This Year's Love, if you're in love, I hope it lasts, it's only January.

Steve laughs

Steve: Excellent.

Ricky: Err.... What've you got? What've you got for us, Steve?

Steve: I just thought we ought to go through some of the emails. I mean I don't want to query the calibre of some of the emails we get sent on this show, but erm, he's a typical one Rick...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Um, there's no name, it's just from Glicko, that's his email address, now, it's just a question to you Rick: "Did I see you walking around Marylebone High Street last Sunday?"

Ricky: Yes.

Steve: OK....

Ricky: Well I don't know....

Steve: Well, I mean....

Ricky: ...I mean I was in Marylebone High Street, last Sunday, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, but did you see Glicko?

Ricky: I didn't see Glicks...

Steve: OK....

Ricky: ...I didn't see the Glickster, erm, but er...

Steve: Alright, this one's from Em: "Ricky, what do you think of Richard Bacon's show? I can't decide if he's better than you".

Ricky: Er, nor can I.

Steve: Any thoughts?

Ricky: Nor can I. I can't help her out on that one....

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: That really.... That's a really personal thing, she's got to dig deep, she's got to look at both of us, she's got to find out what she likes...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...and then... whether I provide more of that than Bacers...

Steve laughs

Ricky: ...er, I mean, y'know, Bacofoil's brilliant...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ....I'm not going to put myself up against him, so er, I can't help you. Next, Steve, next.

Steve: Well, there was, there's lot of emails last week, er, which were saying how much the enjoyed the Christmas specials, thank you very much for that, that's very flattering of you.

Ricky: Cheers.

Steve: There was also a couple - Ha! - there's one, it was a guy, I'm sorry, I might have deleted it, but argh, I should have sent a reply, because it was a guy from Canada, saying "Is there any chance you're around in March, whether you could pop in and have a surprise birthday dinner for his wife.

Ricky: Oh. Why didn't you keep quiet!

Steve: I know, I'm sorry.

Ricky: I can't bloody go now, can I, you idiot!

Steve laughs

Ricky: OK.

Steve: So erm, I, y'know, I don't erm... I really apologise for that...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: ...erm, there's also, this is interesting, this is more for Karl, really, um it seems unlikely because...

Ricky: Is it from a Doctor saying "You're an idiot"?

Steve: Um, we've got plenty of those, I tend to delete them...

Ricky: OK.

Steve: ...because they're so common. Um...

Ricky: Right. Yeah yeah yeah. <laughs> Look at his face!

Steve: No, it just says, er, y'know, don't like to complain, but I won the film competition about five or six weeks ago, and I haven't received my prizes.

Ricky: Ooooh... dear, that's all that Karl, that's all Karl has to do on this show...

Steve: That's what I was thinking.

Ricky: ...we provide the chat, the records, the light entertainment. I mean it's...

Steve: The glamour...

Ricky: ...shades of comedy genius. Um. All Karl has to do is send out the prizes and say "There was a monkey that was a bank robber" at five to three.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Karl!

Steve: What's your excuse, Karl?

Karl: Erm... do you remember her winning? I've got all of, I've got all...

Ricky: Are you calling her a liar?

Karl: Well, I am, because I don't remember ever seeing that address.

Ricky: Right. He's calling her a liar.

Steve: So, Joanne Ogden, you're claiming, is just making this up, she sent this in on a whim, trying to fool us, and get some cheap tat.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: I don't believe that. I don't believe anyone would lie to try and get Knowing Me, Knowing You on VHS. I really don't.

Karl: Well, I'll look in the records, because we keep all the details, so... d'you know what I mean?

Steve laughs

Steve: Right. Well, one of you's in the wrong, and you know what, knowing you Karl, I don't think it's Joanne.

Ricky: No...

Karl: Has anyone else ever emailed in saying that haven't got the, er...

Steve: Loads of times.

Karl: ...bag of crap? No, they haven't, they haven't.

Steve: Well they have...

Ricky: One mistake's one to far, because that's one person... to them... you might send out thirty, but that one person, that's the first time they've won a competition, they, they... want "The History of Wind"...

Steve laughs

Ricky: ....narrated by Donal McIntyre, on VHS...

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: ...and, y'know...

Steve: Stephen King's It....

Ricky laughs

Steve: ...on Betamax.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Now, sometimes they want the best of Primal Scream on... cassette.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So... got to make...

Steve: ...sure you're sending this prizes out.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Final email from Andy, he says, erm, "The webcam, er, is pointing at the ceiling, is it because the air conditioning vent is more exciting than what happens on the show?"

Ricky: Let's put that down now...

Steve: I think that's absolutely right.

Ricky: I'm putting that down now, hold on wait a minute. Erm, just er, if someone... is that good?

Steve: People love the webcam, I don't know what they're interested in because all they'll get is a picture of Karl's big head.

Ricky: It's not that big, it's just round.

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Get it right.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um... Karl, I'd like you to play the next tune. Erm, I got sent a little cheeky, erm, primer for The Cure's Join the Dots, it's B-sides and rarities...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...lots of stuff from them, all over the ages. And, it's amazing how how good their B-sides are, here's one of them playing.

Ricky: Yeyeyeyeye.

Steve laughs

Song: The Cure - A Man Inside My Mouth

Bond

Steve: The Cure. And that's called 'A Man Inside My Mouth', which was the B-side to 'Close to Me'. There's nothing amusing about that Rick, so I don't know why you're laughing...

Ricky: Well..

Steve: ...it's called A Man Inside My Mouth...

Ricky: Yeah I know.

Steve: ...and that's fine

Ricky: Yeah. It's like, y'know, it's like, y'know, the little a man inside your head.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Man Inside Your Mouth

Steve: If a man wants to be in anyone's head, that's good, y'know, good luck to him.

Ricky laughs

Steve: What? There's nothing wrong with that.

Ricky: But I agree.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl, do you agree with that?

Karl: What man in your 'ead? What's that mean?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It's brilliant, innit.

Steve: Extraordinary. Look at his face.

Ricky: Doesn't even understand schoolboy Carry On innuendo...

Steve: Amazing.

Ricky: ...I love the fact that the play on words is too far for him. "What's he mean, 'unsightly erection'?"

Steve laughs

Ricky: "..What? What'd you mean, 'dumplings?' Uhh?"

Steve: You're a fan of The Simpsons...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...You know that character in The Simpsons, the um, 'Gap-Toothed Yokel'?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If I look at Karl when he's perplexed...

Ricky: Cletus.

Steve: Cletus.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: ...Especially when it's that, it's the cliched comic-book thing of having a mouth wide open....

Ricky laughs

Steve: ...to suggest gormlessness. "Unnnnhh". It's amazing.

Ricky: Or: an accomodating come-on.

Steve: Yes. Absolutely.

Ricky: Karl. Little man inside your head, it's what, people use it as your conscience, don't they.

Karl: I 'unno.

Ricky: Never heard that before?

Karl: No.

Ricky: No? OK.

Steve: I was, er, Rick, I was watching Moonraker, er, it was on, I think it was last week...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...um, I dunno how familiar you are with the James Bond films...

Ricky: I have never - I don't think I've ever watched a Bond film from beginning to end.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I've never watched them on DVD, and I've never gone to the cinema to watch one. And, I-I'm not usually in on Easter Saturday...

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ...um... I-I-I... honestly.

Steve: The thing about James Bond is when I was younger, I thought he was amazing, I just thought he was the ultimate cool, sophisticated hero, d'you know what I mean. My dream was a kid - like, when I say a kid, I mean a teenager, was to come home - which invariably he did, he'd come back to his hotel suite, he'd open the door, there'd be a trail of clothes. And he'd follow it and he'd go into the bedroom...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...and there'd be a beatiful woman in the bed.

Ricky: You'd have said "Clean up, love, come on what you doing?! You're messy!"

Steve laughs

Ricky: "I'm gonna get my mum to clean all this up now!"

Steve: "Mum!"

Ricky: "She's got a bad back!"

Steve: "There's a nudie lady in my bed!"

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um... but, er, and as I say, I used to think he was really cool and sophisticated, and it's only of late that I've sort of watched - revisited these films. And... it's, I'll tell you what, it's his jokes...

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: He is the most...

Ricky: His sense of humour...

Steve: ...infuriating man...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: ...ever!

Ricky: Absolutely.

Steve: I mean, I don't know why people in the films consider him so... I mean, I think the reason that women in the films are always being seduced by him is because, have you noticed they've normally got English as a second language.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: So they don't understand when he's making those jokes...

Ricky: So they don't know when he goes, er, <Roger Moore impression> "Er, just keeping the British end up".

Steve: Yeah. "I'm just attempting re-entry."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If that was a British woman she'd be going "What?!"

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: "...what are you talking about?!

Ricky: "...don't say that, that sounds...

Steve: "...dirty bastard!"

Ricky: "...awful, and it's a terrible pun, Roger".

Steve: "It's so lewd - what am I?!"

Ricky: Yeah, "what am I", yeah, yeah. And they just laugh, politely.

Steve: They just laugh, coquettishly and then, y'know, unzip their dress, normally.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But some of the gags - there was one where he's er, he's being chased buy a guy on a moped or something and the guy plummets off a cliff, smashes through a van which is full of feathers, and he plummets to his death, and Bond just says "All those feathers and he still couldn't fly". What are you talking about?!

Ricky laughs

Steve: What does that mean?! It's not a joke! It's just words! There was one in Moonraker where he punches this guy, he's having a fight, he punches him through a plate glass window, and he lands on a piano, and Bond goes "Play it again, Sam"

Ricky laughs

Steve: What are you... What?!

Steve: And there's one - I'll always remember, there's one in one of the early films where he kills - he throws a guy in a bath, and electrocutes him by throwing in a...

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: ...a thing. And then he goes "Absolutely..."

Steve and Ricky: "...shocking"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I was thinking "you've just killed a man!"

Ricky: I know.

Steve: Psychopath.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it's just... so excruciating - if someone was doing those kind of jokes in the office, you would hate them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean - you wouldn't want to talk to them, they'd be a bore.

Ricky: I know, yeah, everything... everything's a little one-liner.

Steve: Everything's a one-liner.

Ricky: And everything's a pun.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, I'll tell you what, he is a bloody good secrent agent, Steve.

Steve laughs

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: So, er, they're not hired for their wit and, er, stand-up ability.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Umm... so, y'know, it's swings and roundabouts.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I doubt Johnny Vegas could, er, save the world.

Steve: That's true enough, yep.

Ricky: So, er... think on - different people, different needs.

Steve laughs

Song: Elvis Costello - Oliver's Army

The Ricky Gervais compilation tape

Song: Kings of Leon - California Waiting

Ricky: Kings of Leon - California Waiting, on Xfm. 104.9. Do you know what, Steve? We get emails and, er, y'know, we've got our posters up around this show, and, er, people enjoy it. But, I don't think we get the credit we deserve for picking the music.

Steve: It's true.

Ricky: Because it's totally unplaylisted, and... I don't know if people know about this, but mine and Steve's sort of first passion before comedy is probably music. We're really really... we love playing eachother sort of records and that. And maybe when we come back, we should do a show where is no pressure - to, y'know, like Karl doesn't press the buttons for us, we'll pre-record it - when we just swap each other's sort of ideas for music.

Steve: It'd be like, er, the Ricky Gervais compilation tape

Ricky: Well, sorta like... we're not talking John Peel where we're trying to find obscure Belgian jungle, and do demos... y'know, it'd be everything from... y'know Kings of Leon... Lou Read... y'know, maybe a big of eighties stuff that people have forgotten about.

Steve: Yeah yeah. Beautiful songs, beautiful songs.

Ricky: What do you think?

Steve: I'd love to do that, Rick, I mean I genuinely... there's nothing more exciting to me than introducing to someone a song which they then...

Ricky: ...that they love...

Steve: ...go on and love...

Ricky: Absolutely

Steve: ...they buy the album, da-da-da-da-da

Ricky: Well that's something to think about, maybe for later.

Steve: Yes. Well, it's like you say, the pressure to kind of come up with some, y'know, high calibre chat...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...between each record, it is, it takes a toll.

Ricky: But, erm. Yeah, and that.. that's, y'know, it's a passion of ours, and we'd love to, but.. but now, it's Rockbusters

Steve: Can I just say something, now, before we do Rockbusters, because a lot of people come up to me, they say "Steve, I like the show. When are you going to get rid of Rockbusters? It's... it brings it down." Now I'm not jo...

Karl: Who's saying that?

Steve: ...I'm not joking, there is loads of people....

Ricky: Come on, now let Karl speak.

Karl: Come off it.

Ricky: What?

Karl: I know people who say "You're never gonna stop that, are you?", so - one of us is lying again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Well not really, y'know I'm probably...

Ricky: ...I love his face!

Steve: I'm talking about people who've listened to the show, you're talking about Suzanne, your girlfriend.

Karl: No, Martin, he'll be at home now with a pad, getting ready.

Steve: Right. I should just....

Ricky: Martin Freeman, did say... did encourage Karl on a couple of occasions. He even tried to get him through with the answer "egg" when we were doing that name an animal round.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: So...

Steve: But I should just say that people, they... people think that somehow, Ricky and I are endorsing Rockbusters, that somehow by allowing it on the show, we think it's good, and I need to point out that it's more like when a child's come back from school, and they've done a painting...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...it's crap...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...but of course you've gotta stick it on the fridge.

Ricky: The cat is bigger than the house...

Steve: Gotta stick it n the fridge, otherwise the kid's gonna get upset...

Ricky: Absolutely. In this next episode, you've gotta remember that the cat is bigger than the house

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: OK.

Steve: It doesn't look like anything

Ricky: The humans don't have bodies, their legs come straight from their head.

Steve: Yeah. "Mummy, and Daddy..."

Ricky: Please welcome to the stage, Karl Pilkington's Rockbusters

Karl: Alright?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right, so, er, cryptic clue...

Ricky: No, not cryptic...

Karl: ...initials, and you work them out, email in and that.

Ricky: ...rubbish clues.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: First one...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: er... don't be stealing my tools, take your sister's...

Steve laughs

Karl: ...and the initials: NK

Steve: "Don't be stealing my tools, take your sister's"

Karl: Yep, so that's like the cryptic clue, and the initials of the artist or band, is NK. Alright? Second one: buy if if you want, not bothered, think about it, right, come back....

Ricky laughs

Ricky: ...start again Karl, I laughed half-way through! Right, start that second one again...

Karl: Right, well...

Ricky: (cracking up) Different! It's different! the first one was "buy it if you want", "right, well right you don't..." - right, do it.. do it if it's a cryptic clue, all the letters count. Do it.

Karl: Buy it if you want, I'm not that bothered. Y'know, think about it, come back, check some other places first before you...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Imagine that was a crossword clue! In the Times! Sorry, we've got no... we've got no time for other clues.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So that's SC.

Ricky: Right. Do that clue again.

Karl pauses

Karl: Buy it if you want I'm not... I'm not fussed...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Fussed! Fussed has made an appearance! Fussed wasn't there before!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Do the clue again. (cracking up) Do the clue again...

Ricky laughs

Karl: (starting to laugh) Initials SC, for that one..

Ricky: Do the clue again.

Karl: I don't wanna do it again.

Ricky: Well you haven't finished it yet.

Karl: I have, that's it.

Ricky: No, do the clue again.

Karl laughs

Karl: ...I can't do it.

Steve: SC.

Ricky: Do the clue again.

Karl: Look, buy it if you want, I'm not fussed, right, shop around...

Ricky starts cracking up

Karl: ...come back, it's up to you. I'm not rushing you into anything.

Ricky: "It's up to you" wasn't there!

Karl: SC.

Ricky: Oh.... oh dear!

Karl: Right, and the final one, er...

Ricky gasps for air

Karl: That's good, I can play ten-pin bowling again.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh! Oh, Christ...

Steve: Right, what's the clue.

Karl: That's, that's O.

Ricky: Aww....

Karl: O. Alright, so.

Steve: Now I assume, I'm not going to bother to look. There'll be a jiffy bag of tat that people can win. Alright well great good luck. Ricky.gervais@xfm is the E-mail.

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Thorns?

Ricky: (Imitates Karl) No, no ,no. Play it if you want, I'm not fussed, you can come back have a look round. I'm open wednesdays by the way shut at 4, see ya' later.

Song: The Thorns - No Blue Sky

The Pool Hall

Ricky: The Thorns and No Blue Sky, er off their album erm of last year which is probably my favourite album of the year. I've started getting into that, sort of like music more serious thing incase we do it.

Steve: Yeh, from that comment maybe we should do some preparations.

Ricky: Pre-record it.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Where we can cut all the 'ums and ars', and me sort of like eating a sandwich while it's on and singing along.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Tapping a little bit.

Ricky & Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I won't lay down like this either, we'll get me a chair that's upright so i can enunciate.

Steve: You weren't in the room when Karl was singing along to 'Olivers Army'.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It was a joy, (Imitates) ner, ner, ner, checkpoint Charlie

Ricky Laughs

Steve: ner, ner, Olivers' Army. No idea.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Oh, bless him. Rockbusters well on the way, any right answers yet Karl?

Steve: Let me just check, see what we got, erm one e-mail..

Ricky: One e-mail!

Steve: No!

Ricky: Nooo, cos they probably don't make sense!

Steve: Yep, no, no responses whatsoever.

Karl: There's some on the text, an' that.

Steve: Really?

Karl: 83XFM if you want, err on the text.

Ricky: Speak up Karl! Just think...

Steve: We're on the radio.

Ricky: Yeh, we're on the radio, yeah we're live.

Karl: Yeah just letting you know do it on the text if you want, send it in on the text.

Ricky: (Laughing) Well what is it? Say it!

Karl: 83XFM.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: What's the e-mail address again?

Karl: [email protected]

Ricky: Are you tired today Karl, are you just bored or..?

Karl: No, I'm alright I'm good

Ricky: Ye?

Karl: Yeyeye

Ricky: Alright?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Steve?

Steve: Ye, no, well i was just.. I just wanted to mention I went to the pub near my house recently. I'm afraid there was a pool hall..

Ricky: Oh yeah?

Steve: Like a pool club there, and I love pool, I like to think of myself looking a little bit like Paul Newman in 'The Hustler' when I'm shooting pool.

Ricky: Oh Yeah?

Steve: And um, I went down there I went with my flat mate and It's quite a seedy pub in many respects, there's a lot of weird people in there, like alchoholics..

Ricky: Why do they go there?

Steve: (Laughing) Weird isn't it?

Ricky: Weird.. Go on.

Steve: And very very odd people, so he's a little bit nervous and he says "I'm a bit worried", cos there's a lot of people from the estate, you know from the council estate.

Ricky: Yeye.

Steve: For want of a better word, scum.

Steve and Ricky Laugh

Steve: And, um, so he's a bit edgy, and bizarrely cos I so wanted to play, he said "I'm a bit scared about goin' in", I said "don't worry, you're with me.

Ricky: Yeahh.

Steve: I don't know why I said that, I don't know what that means. Wait a minute the six foot, the lanky guy with the glasses, don't mess with him!

Ricky: An they take your glasses off and you go, "I've lost!"

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: "That's it I'm out of here".

Steve: That's why I've never got into a fight because if my glasses are gone, I'm screwed, that's the first...

Ricky: You really are really short sighted aren't you?

Steve: I'd be absolutely done for.

Ricky: And are you nervous without them?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: You know whenever you see like an action film or whatever or a horror film?

Ricky: The nerd with glasses.

Steve: And he's scrapping around on the floor, with the murderer coming up behind them, that's me

Ricky: Really?

Steve: I'd be done for, absolutely done for.

Ricky: Well what did you do at school when you had to play Tennis or Football or Rugby or somat.

Steve: Erm kept 'em on.

Ricky: That's dangerous isn't it.

Steve: Well of course it is, that's why I wasn't as good as Rugby as I probably could have been.

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Well of course how can you play Rugby with glasses on, I'm in the scrum going "Careful"!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Your boots! Hello?

Ricky: Never mind me nads, watch me glasses!

Steve: But, er, so I went in there, cos I used to do Judo when I was very young.

Ricky: Well that's impossible.

Steve: It's ludicrous.

Ricky: They must have kept falling off.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: What about gaffer tape? like round the... Yeyeye.

Steve: Well I bought some thing, like a kind of sports strap to keep them on, and they just pushed them right into my eyes! I could barely see.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But I swear when I used to go to Judo, I'm sure that the other kids were being taught, "Right, just knock Steve's glasses off".

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Knock his glasses off you can get him".

Ricky: Oh dear!

Steve: So I've always felt a bit edgy about fights, but for some reason I felt super confident going in there, so I swaggered in, er, into the pool hall, and it's one of those places where you've got to knock, it's like a speak easy, you've got to knock and they open the door and you come in and I'm in there and my flat mate...

Ricky: One of those things you slide, like a little letterbox and you slide it open and you knock and you've just put you face there and it knocks your glasses off.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Exactly. So I went in there and, er, in a way my flat mate was justified in being a little bit edgy. Because the conversation we could overhear, at the table next to us, we were playing pool, the guy next to us was going um "Ye of course bloody police,spent Boxing day in the 'knick', absolute nightmare.

Ricky: (Laughing) Were you getting nervous?

Steve: So I was getting a little bit edgy, cos i thought they don't mess with their own, we're almost like gangsters ourselves, cos we're there in the lions den, we'll probably be fine. So then, there's just an old guy serving at the bar you know in his fifties, then some guys go over to the jukebox, some young kids, they're just hangin' out in the pool hall they're pretty cool. They put some money in the jukebox, and first track Coldplay, I'm thinking that's nice I'm playing pool, second track hardcore German techno

Ricky Snorts

Steve: And they put in about fifty quids worth it seems, cos it just went on (Imitates music)

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: Great thumping sort of Gabba (Imitates). Old guy at the bar just nodding his head, cleaning the glass.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So into this...

Ricky: Piano player, furious.

Ricky & Steve Laugh

Steve: Into this come, what appeared to be a family of holidaymakers, with kids. So they've entered this seedy pool hall. Erm, we've got the Cray twins playing pool next to me, the German techno's blaring. They've come in, and there's kids you know, and they've got a baby in one of those little pouches

Ricky: Oh yeah

Steve: And they sit down and the weirdest thing was, one of the guys, the uncle lets say of this family, and he picked up the kid and he was about to put the baby down on the chair and I thought hang on, that's quite a hard backed chair, and as he did it the baby's head just went *vadum* on the back of the chair

Ricky Laughs

Steve: It sort of flipped back and hit the back of the chair, cos he just lumped it down...

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: And it started screaming and crying you know, and the teenagers were rocking to that they loved it. And he came over, it was transparent what happened, and the mum was going "what's happened the baby's crying!", and he went "I don't know what happened".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I wanted to lean over and go "You lying swine!, you know what happened". I wanted to just take her aside and say "Never let him handle your child again"

Ricky: The head was just wobbling around, I could see it coming.

Steve: Who knows he might turn out like Karl now.

Ricky: That's a point.

Steve: What do you do in those situations? Do you..

Ricky: Well, I'm assuming by the way your taking it lightly the baby wasn't hurt in any way.

Steve: The baby wasn't hurt.

Ricky: Well then...

Steve: But it was still..

Ricky: You keep out of it don't you. What you gonna do, call the authorities and go it was him.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. But, er, I don't want to name the place in case I get knifed.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I imagine you trying to swagger it, when you overheard him talking about the 'knick', I imagine you lean over and go "Yeah pigs", "Sorry?" "Yeah I hate the pigs as well". "No I'm a Lawyer, I was down there with..." "Oh yeah, oh yeah, sure". Oh dear, so er.

Steve: Well I've talked about that now.

Ricky: I've told you before Steve. stay away from working class people and bad men in trainers. Cos you hang around with ne'er-do-wells and you're gonna get your glasses knocked off.

Steve: That's true.

Song: Jet - Roll Over DJ

Incomplete Transcript: Time: Approx 29 Minutes In (excluding songs)