18 June 2005

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Show 4 of 6.

Track Listing

1. Karl Fake-ington (0:00:00)

Karl has had a bad week, he's in bad books with his family for comments he made in Zoo Magazine about his Auntie Nora. "Don't name her!" Karl pleads. The second bad event to happen to Karl was that a review of the show, written by Chris Campling from The Times, suggested that Karl is a character created by Gervais and Merchant, a work of fiction. Campling's evidence was to point out recycled material. Steve says that if the show was scripted, he'd give up his BAFTAs they've won, and adds that if Karl was a creation then he wouldn't be squandered on a "poxy radio station" like Xfm. Gervais says the show is rubbish anyway and then pretends that the show actually is scripted, and he made up Campling, of whom Steve says the name "Campling" sounds like a gay person.

2. Nora Gate (0:03:18)

Gervais says that Karl is really an actor named Brent Hogwell, and actually speaks like Hugh Grant. The real Karl wonders if Campling would think that his bald head was put on for show. Ricky seriously reassures Campling and London that Karl is real, and says that the journalist could meet Karl or at least email in 5 subjects for Karl to talk about, then praises Campling on his grammar. Karl says that he's being treated like The Elephant Man, and that he recently discovered that the only part of John Merrick that wasn't affected by his disease were his genitals, the only bit that you'd want like an elephant and he got the head. Karl gave an interview to Zoo Magazine where he discusses another Auntie Nora Incident. She came round to stay, had a kaftan on, Karl turned round and saw up her skirt, it looked like a "ripped tennis ball". She used to put a valance on (almost) everything. Karl says he isn't concerned as Nora doesn't read Zoo. Karl's cousins informed Karl's mother, although Nora is unaware of the article.

3. Wedding Rows (0:09:55)

Karl put his foot in it again the previous week, he said on air that weddings were boring. Suzanne had to tell the couple whose wedding she and Karl were attending that he meant weddings in general. Karl says that there's no point to weddings, and he couldn't hear the ceremony anyway as a lady was breastfeeding her son. Steve wonders how loud the breastfeeding was. Steve gets annoyed with gift-buying for weddings, as he wants to see the recipient's response when giving a gift, which doesn't happen at the ceremony. The only appreciation comes in the form of a latter which may or may not contain a vague reference to the gift along with a photocopied signature, possibly with a mock-baby sign off, which annoys Steve. Karl isn't bothered; Suzanne sorted out the gift, which is a week in Cornwall with the married couple. Steve begins totting up the number of times Karl says "an' that" in the show, and that maybe it could be a competition. Karl says that he already has a competition, Rockbusters, which is coming up later. Ricky hopes they have Ladder 49 which they of course do.

4. Down's Town (0:14:29)

Steve asks Karl if he saw a programme called "The Strangest Village in Britain." Karl not only watched it, but called Ricky six times during it. The programme contained a village where over 50% of the 300 inhabitants were mentally disabled and the other half were carers. Karl was confused by the two who made up their own language, and didn't like the quickfire questions one fired at the others, as Karl couldn't work out the answers himself (he likened it to 80s British children's show "Mallett's Mallet"). He wants to holiday in the weird village, and said like to take the man in a woolie hat for a pint. He'd avoid the angry bloke who punched a Down's Syndrome woman called Nan. The woolie hat man fell over and proposed marriage to a girl. Karl tells of a train journey from Manchester to London, where the only seat available was next to a Down's Syndrome lad, who greeted an apprehensive Karl. To deal with the situation, Karl went to sleep, but was awoken by a phone call from Ricky. The lad then said to Karl, "You're muscly", then pestered Karl into an arm wrestle, which he stopped and laughed at Karl. After that, the two talked about food. The lad can't have Chinese food.

5. Who Wants To Be... Bored (0:22:59)

Ricky begins the link whilst eating free confectionery, which Steve advertises. Ricky says it is too good to give away with Rockbusters. Prizes include Ladder 49 and a National Lampoon movie that is so bad that it doesn't actually feature Chevy Chase, and does feature a special appearance by Eric Idle. Karl reads off the clues.

6. Bully Bike (0:29:09)

Ricky is bringing back an old feature: Knob News. Karl recaps the Rockbusters questions then tells of another weird person in the estate where he grew up - a woman who rode a three wheeled bike with her husband in the basket. Nobody bought the school photos that featured the big headed kids, and there was a chemical plant nearby where Karl grew up. The woman used to boss her husband about so Karl's dad and his mate went round to the woman's house pretending to be police, to put the woman right. She backed off after that. Ricky comments that Karl's father won't be prosecuted for a impersonating police officer, as it's unlikely that someone would stitch him up for it on a radio station. Karl said that his father and his friends used to do lots of vigilante work and scams.

7. Tailor Troubles (0:34:49)

Steve does some more advertising. Ricky reveals that Steve is having a suit made. Steve reasons this by saying that because of his height, it's hard to buy off the peg. Karl wonders if Steve was asked what side his "member is on". Discussion about which side they "dress", and why tailors ask this. Karl thinks there are no surprises anymore. He relates it to the classic "finger up the arse" debate. Karl would have to locate his member before informing a tailor of it. Ricky thinks it would be left or middle, and says that after the break the nation will find out, as he plays "Where's Karl's Knob?"

8. Penis-tories (0:40:45)

Karl's knob was to the left, and Karl can't believe people paid 10p to call in to guess. Steve thought it was to the right. Next weeek: "Where's Ricky's Bollocks?" Segue to Knob News, and the following stories:

• Schlong! "Man Grows Knob On Arm"
• Schlong! "Man Gets Doctor to Make Him Second Knob"
• Schlong! "Turkish Prisoners Make Hole In Wall To Produce Third Inmate"
• Schlong! "Doctors Accidentally Remove Man's Testicles"

Ricky wants to hear more of the last story. Karl's told him before, about a man who had an ear complaint and was called in by mistake, and the doctors removed his testicles. Karl hates it when doctors are overconfident, he'd prefer them to perform an less blasé procedure on him so they are paying close attention. Steve tells of the man with a second penis, whose wife left him because of it. Karl is baffled by the fact the man's new penis was grafted onto on his arm. He thinks it would be better to graft on the buttock, as he can't wear a short sleeved shirt now. Steve is amused by the fact the doctor said women will never suspect.

9. Another Disability Link (0:47:36)

Ricky is surprises by the amount of knob news, and asks Karl for proper news. Karl tells of "Christ on a crisp", and of a man who can blow up balloons with his ears. Of the latter, Ricky is more impressed than Karl. Time for Song with a Story, which this week is Pinball Wizard by The Who. Ricky reminds Karl that it's not true. Karl doubts whether the deaf, dumb and blind kid even knows he's playing pinball. He'd be impressed if he was good at Pacman. Ricky sings the chorus with the word "Pacman" replacing "pinball". Steve says it's grim to be deaf, dumb and blind. Karl agrees, comparing it to the life of a tapeworm.

10. He Sure (Doesn't Know He's) Playing A Mean Pinball (0:52:37)

Karl says that Pinball Wizard is depressing, and then suggests that the people just let him hit the buttons, which Ricky thinks is a fair point. Karl asks Steve if he'd rather lose sight or hearing. Steve chooses lost sight, Ricky chooses lost hearing, and Karl points out that would be OK as they are always together. Karl would lose his sight if he lived in Africa, or his hearing if he lived in New York.

11. Argu-monkeys (0:56:17)

Rockbusters answers, and Gavin from Edinburgh is the winner. Monkey News about a monkey named Matty, 14 who gets put in a zoo where he's the only monkey, although he's not actually a monkey, he's a chimp. It gets pally with the humans, smokes fags etc. but then another monkey comes along, "something's said.." and Ricky and Steve burst into so much laughter as to frustrate Karl into ending the link early.

Quotes

Ricky: As if this could be scripted! It's dreadful! Or, maybe this is scripted.
Steve: Hang on, you've lost me there .. let me just check the script.

Karl: It is like, I'm the Elephant Man, the way I'm being treated now.

Steve: Talking of monkeys working the sound desk ...

Steve: Ladder 49, the movie that no one has seen..
Ricky: But, is owned by every Xfm listener.

Ricky: D'you know how many BAFTAs we've won? We can do what we want!
Steve: High-five!
Ricky: Six.

Karl: Like right now, I'm sat here with my jeans on, I don't know where I am.

Rockbusters

Why don't you borrow some land off of Mr Boardman, Mr Laurel or Mr Fletcher. L.S.
I'm going to annoy those sea birds over there. B.
What the Scouse fella said to the robber who he found in his house next to his vineyard. A.W.

Trivia

• The unrevealed Knob News headline related to this story:

Two Turkish prison inmates who drilled a nine-centimetre (3.6-inch) aperture between their cells enabling them to have sexual relations in prison that produced a child, received four-month sentences for damaging public property, press reports said Sunday. Convicted murderer Seylan Corduk, 40, and Kadriye Fikret Oget, 27, serving time for planting a bomb in a market, managed to drive the hole through their concrete communal cell wall, according to court records quoted by the newspapers Vatan and Hurriyet. The guilty pair each originally received one-year sentences plus a 218-million-Turkish-lira fine (128 euros, 169 dollars). But the court reduced the penalty to four months and 72 million lira "in view of the negligible nature of the damage caused. - AFP

• In the third segment, Steve mentions he's counting the number of times Karl says "and that" and is already up to three. In fact, Karl had said "and that" nine times. "And that" total for the entire episode: 27.

Playlist

Foo Fighters - Best of You
Bruce Springsteen - The River
The Cure - In Between Days
Ben Folds - Landed
Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life
The Magic Numbers - Forever Lost
David Bowie - Watch That Man
Snoop Doggy Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
Snow Patrol - Run
The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
The Who - Pinball Wizard
Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

External Links

• Chris Campling's article from 14th June 2005
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3Lem0oZ_54 The Strangest Village in Britain - Full Documentary