Karl's Poems

Karl's Poems were first introduced in the third series of podcasts. Steve discovered them while reading through Karl's Diary. Surprisingly, Ricky and Steve were both mildly impressed by his work. Later, more poems appeared in Happyslapped by a Jellyfish and Karlology.

Episode 1

If moths had eyes, would they be happier?

How do they know they're not dead?

Cavemen hunting for food

But not before they style the hair on their head

What would last longer in dinosaur times?

A blind man didn't stand a chance

Not with all them rocks about

I'd rather be a blind moth

Episode 2

Bubbled wallpaper, what a mess.

Washer dryer knackered, what a mess.

Siamese twins seperated, one leg less.

Episode 3

Jellyfish

I don't like jellyfish, they’re not a fish, they're just a blob.

They don’t have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.

They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,

And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.

Get rid of 'em!

Jellyfish, Part 2

It would be spiteful

To put jellyfish in a trifle

For God's Sake

For God's sake, me belly ache

The doctor said it’s me kidney

He said he’s got to stick a tube up me knob

I said you got to be kidding me

For God' sake, knob ache.

Episode 6

Me Ward

Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke,

Who looked like Mr Burns from 'The Simpsons',

Don't know what was wrong with him,

But breaking wind was the symptoms.

No one visited him or called him.

He seemed quite lost to me.

As well as wind problems,

He had a colostomy.

When I left,

I said "see ya" to the old man.

Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese,

He was from Japan.

Happyslapped By A Jellyfish

Bank Holiday Monday

Bank holiday Monday

Bank holiday mundane

No shops open

Plenty of rain

Suzanne's Mam and Dad's Pub

Lots of smoke and strange folk

Regular laughing at his own jokes

Dog on a rope

Fruit machine broke

Old man in a corner who never spoke

Sheep Off A Cliff

Thousands of sheep fed up,

So they jumped off cliff into bay.

They shouldn't survive,

But it just goes to show,

Where there's wool there's a way

Rome

Rome wasn't built in a day,

It just looks that way.

Karlology

Art

Dead artists’ work shoots up in price

So am I then wrong to surmise

That the value of our flat will increase

If our painter and decorator dies

My Ears

I don’t know how to rest my ears

They both sit there listening in

It could be worse

I could have four

Just like a Siamese twin

(Saying that, with four ears there’s

No chance of over-sleeping.)

Fish Once Had Legs

To save space in the seas

Nature made fish into amputees

Now sea levels are rising but I won’t complain

Cos this gives fish room to grow limbs back again

And I’m really looking forward

To when this time comes

To eating fish legs lightly sprinkled

In golden breadcrumbs

Science

In 1905 Einstein

Came up with E = mc squared

Yet in 2008 British Gas

Still can’t get my boiler repaired

Archimedes said “Eureka!”

With no hot water … I reeka!

Cavemen

“Cavemen were stupid” is what some say

But they created the wheel and fire

I’ve just paid 49 pounds for heating this month

And 38 quid for a new tyre!

Who’s stupid again?