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Karl recounts his many near death experiences, has a suggestion for the Queen Mum's funeral and creates a new saying about cat food.
== Track Listing ==
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!{{sectionhead|#EEEEEE|#AAAAAA|left|''For a full transcript of this episode see [[13 April 2002/Transcript]].''}}
|- 
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|}


==Summary==
====1. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Stephen Mitchell|Stephen Mitchell]] ''(0:00:00)''====
Ricky and Stephen was interviewed in ''The Guardian'' about their favourite albums and Steve's name is wrong.  In the interview Ricky says one of his favourite songs of all time is Bob Dylan's, "If You See Her Say Hello" which they misquote as "If You See a Sailor".
 
====2. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Win a Pint With Karl|Win a Pint With Karl]] ''(0:02:46)''====
Ricky went out with Karl on Thursday and adventures happened.  A competition could be Win a Pint with Karl.  To show that anyone can do quotes, Karl's come up with a game of his own, where 2 are real and 1 is just made up by him.  Karl's really getting into identifying fables. 
 
====3. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Steve's Stunt|Steve's Stunt]] ''(0:05:25)''====
Steve has been doing some acting, and this week has been doing his own stunts.  He was petrified because he was wearing his glasses, which also impede him from both being in either a fight or a mosh pit.  For the stunts, he's hoisted up in the air with a crane, terrified.  Steve reads from the non-reassuring health and safety warning agreement, but Ricky says that stunt was nothing compared with just 3 random near-death experiences from Karl, all of which involve his stupidity.  Karl says there's a 4th that involves cake.
 
====4. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Everyone Likes the Smell of Bacon|Everyone Likes the Smell of Bacon]] ''(0:10:29)''====
Karl was out with Ricky and got to meet his mate [[Robin Ince|Robin]], about whom Ricky had made up a story about his having worms as a child, and his mother cured him by holding a piece of cheese by his anus so the worms would come out.  Karl believed this, perhaps because of the story he knows of, where a man in the army had a worm and the doctor wrapped bacon around his head, "the thinnest part of the body", to lure the worm out.  Steve is going to play a song from the ''Teachers 2'' soundtrack, a show which [[Jane Fallon|Jane]] produced.
 
====5. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Mr Freeze|Mr Freeze]] ''(0:16:01)''====
Karl starts off recounting his most serious near-death experience.  [[Karl's Mam]] and [[Karl's Dad]] would do the grocery shopping on Fridays, and Karl and [[Karl's Brother|his brother]] would be really excited and desperate by the time the food arrived.  Karl had grabbed a Mr Freeze pop and knocked it back but it went down the wrong way.  He was choking, but he was always choking (he thinks he has a small throat).  Karl eventually fell to the ground, lips purple and eyes rolling into his head, and his dad came in and said it served him right for being greedy.  His mam did the Heimlich Maneuver on him and he was all right.  After that, Karl felt like a special person, and did 3 full days of school in a row.
The next story is about Karl's paper round (the best job he'd ever had), where he'd get up at 4:30am so that he'd be done in time for Pink Panther at 5:30.  On this particular bad winter day, Karl put on all his kit but Karl's mam had locked him in the house so he wouldn't go.  So he climbed out of the bathroom window but he had so many layers on and his bag got caught on the window hook so he hung there, dangling.  His dad came home from working nights and thought Karl was a burglar and shouted up at him, eventually helping him down with a big stick.  A bonus story is about the time Karl tried to "kick his height".  He thinks he'll die of cancer because he doesn't check his balls - he doesn't like the feel.
 
====6. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Good Luck Mr Croucher|Good Luck Mr Croucher]] ''(0:27:20)'' ====
Karl picks up with his Neil Armstrong quote from last week.  Karl is aware of loads of evidence that they didn't really walk on the moon.  When Armstrong came back, he said, "Good luck, Mr Croucher", because of the time he overheard his neighbour shouting to her husband that she wouldn't perform oral sex on him until man walked on the moon.  Steve has heard this story before but it's even more specific as "until the boy next door walks on the moon". 
 
====7. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#I'm Usin' Me Fables|I'm Usin' Me Fables]] ''(0:31:40)''====
The first [[White Van Karl]] question is about David Beckham's broken foot; the second is about expensive apartments on ships.  Karl's mam told him about one so big it had rough areas on it.  Karl thinks the Thames is a waste of space and people should live on it.  He heard about an ice cap that fell into the water, but is not concerned because it's just a big ice cube that will freeze up the water again.  Karl compares this to ice cubes in a glass of Jack Daniels. 
 
====8. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Why Not Put Her On a Trolley|Why Not Put Her On a Trolley]]  ''(0:37:38)''====
The next White Van Karl question is about the Queen Mum's funeral.  There was a 12 hour estimated queue and Karl, Ricky, and Steve all have ideas for how to better manage that.  Karl is genuine when he suggests they split up her body and people could pay respect to just one piece.  Ricky thinks they could have 9 queues for the 9 hips she's had, and Steve proposes putting her on a trolley and wheeling her past everyone.  Last question is about Elizabeth Hurley avoiding the press at Elton John's house, where [[Robbie Williams]] and others have gone before her.  Karl thinks she's been doing too much lying low in the first place.
 
====9. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Shout Out|Shout Out]]  ''(0:42:22)''====
A quite short link is cut off during which Steve thanks the emailers.
 
====10. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#The Way I See It|The Way I See It]] ''(0:42:48)''====
For the re-education of Karl, he's picked 2 that are real and he's made one up himself.  <br>
''Quote 1'': "Nothing is worth more than this day".<br>
''Quote 2'': "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you've got to put with the rain." <br>
''Quote 3'': "Cat food-- it stinks a bit--but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die."<br>
 
====11. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#Forrest Gump Was a Bit of a Nutter|Forrest Gump Was a Bit of a Nutter]] ''(0:45:44)''====
Ricky and Steve know Karl made up the 3rd quote, but Karl has a different meaning to what they thought - because you love something, you'll put up with something you dislike for it.    Karl brings up Forrest Gump who also made up great quotes and says they'd take the mickey out of him, too.  Ricky requests the listeners write down everything Karl says.  Karl saw Ricky's salamander who spends all its time plotting how to get out.  Some more nepotism this week as Steve plays his mate's band next.  Ricky has a fridge-freezer for sale, 400 quid ONO.
 
====12. [[13 April 2002/Transcript#In a Wheelie Bin|In a Wheelie Bin]] ''(0:50:47)''====
Karl's dad took some "Forrest Gump people" to Blackpool in his cab.  One of the kids was misbehaving so Karl's dad put him in a wheelie bin and left him there for an hour and a half.
Another time, he had to take old women to the bingo hall in a mini bus, and on the way back they were giving him a hard time so he dropped them on the side of the road and they were stranded. Karl's father was subsequently sacked.


'''* Guardian Article'''
<br>
Ricky and Stephen was written up in the Guardian but Steve's name was written as Steve Mitchell. Ricky introduces him as Steve Mitchell at the top of the show.
This is the first time Steve's picture was printed in a national paper.
In the interview Ricky says one of his favorite songs of all time is Bob Dylan's, "If You See Her Say Hello" which they misquote as "If You See A Sailor". This is--in small part-- due to the fact that he and Steve were speaking very quickly at the interview, but mostly because the Guardian fact checkers did a poor job.
<br>
<br>
'''Karl and Ricky's Night Out'''
Karl and Ricky went for drinks the night before. They met up with Ricky's mate Robin.
<br>
<br>
'''*Stephen discusses acting in a pilot and his forthcoming stunts'''
<br>
Stephen's character is committing suicide in the program. Stephen has a problem taking off his glasses. He tells Ricky more about all the things he can't do because of his glasses, they including fighting and moshing.
<br>
<br>
'''* Karl's Near Death Experiences - Part I '''
<br>
Ricky outlines Karl's near deathe experiences and Karl adds in one more. There are four in total: paper route, Mr. Freeze Pop, cream cake, and Snick n' slate.
<br>
<br>
'''* Karl and Ricky's Night Out - Part II'''
<br>
Robin told Karl a bunch of wild stories just taking the piss out of Karl. Robin said something about having works. Steve mentions that Robin also said he had once suckled milk from a cow's udder. Robin told Karl this story too. Karl finds out none of the stories are true and refuses to believe it. Ricky told Karl that Robin cured the worms by holding ham and cheese near Robin's bum for the worm to crawl out for the food.  He told him Robin used to sit on spam. Karl quotes his rubbish story about the man wrapping bacon on his head to get out a worm, as proof that Robin's story could be true. 
<br>
<br>
'''* Karl's Near Death Experiences - Part II '''
<br>
''Mr. Freezepop aka Popsicle Hell''
<br>
Karl's parents did the shopping on Fridays and the kids would always run in and when they came back from the shop, grab snacks, and wolf them down. Karl swallowed the freezepop too quickly and started to choke. Karl thinks he has a small throat since he can't drink that much and he choked a lot as a child. Karl thinks it was a new lease on life. Stephen asks him whether his life flashed before his eyes and Karl says no.
<br>
''Paper Route''
<b>
Karl says this is the best job he ever had because of all the freedom. He would get up at half four and do his route so he could be home in time to watch The Pink Panther at 5:30. One night it was very cold and snowy and Karl's mum told him not to do the paper rout, but Karl insisted. It turned out Karl's mother had locked the front door to ensure he would not leave, so Karl tried to sneak out the bathroom window. He was so overdressed that he got stuck in the window. His dad comes in the morning and thinks Karl is a burglar. Upon finding out it was Karl his Dad ran up and saved him before he fell to the concrete.
<br>
''Kicking His Height''
<b>
Karl was in the front yard after seeing a kung fu movie, kicking the tree and other such behavior. Karl's dad comes out and says " I bet you can't kick your height," which is the Manc way of saying kicking your leg up to your head. So Karl proved his father wrong, but ending up falling and injuring his back in the process.
<br>
'''* Karl's Ball Health '''
Because of all his mishaps, Karl is deathly afraid that he will die of something horrible. Nonetheless, he refuses to give himself scrotal exams.
<br>
<br>
'''* Karl's Kwuotes '''
They discuss Neil Armstrong's quote, he should have said "It's one small step for a man and one giant step for mankind." They discuss how some people deny that the moon walk occurred. As usual, Karl fails to substantiate anything. Karl claims that as they were getting back on the spaceship Neil Armstrong said "Good luck Mr Croucher," because when he was a kid he heard the neighbor couple arguing and Mrs. Croucher said she'd give him oral sex when man walks on the moon." Stephen says he's heard the story but that she said something like "When the boy next door walks on the moon."
<br>
'''* White Van Karl '''
<br>
''David Beckham's Broken Foot''
<br>
Karl isn't bothered by this. The country is encouraged to pray for Becks and other mystical things, Karl doubts this will work.
<br>
''Fancy Floating Flats For Sale''
<br>
There are expensive apartments now available on an exclusive ship that sails around the world.
Karl is wondering whether the Titanic is still the biggest ship ever built. Ricky says ships are much bigger now. Karl's mum told him that there was once a ship that was so big that "it had rough areas on it." Karl and Stephen have a good laugh. According to Ricky, these ships claim that they aim to solve the overpopulation crisis. Karl talks about how he would like to buy a flat in London but it's far too expensive. He says the Thames is wasted space, but if they got boats on there the overcrowding problem would be solved. Karl said he'd give living in a boat a chance. Steve says he'd like to see Karl living in a hot air balloon. Karl reckons since the icecaps are melting more of us will start living in the water. Steve asks Karl whether he's seen Waterworld. Karl thinks that icecaps melting will dip in the water and refreeze the water. Ricky and Steve tell him he's wrong, but Karl says he's using his fables.
He keeps going on about a glass of Jack Daniels with ice the size of the Empire State Building in it.
<br>
''The Queen Mum's Funeral''
<br>
Karl is annoyed by all the people lined up to see her.
<br>
<br>
==Quotes==
==Quotes==
"We're here to stay for another three weeks and then they'll have to Order a New DJ."
'''Ricky:''' Oh! Bob Drillboids. Flap on the Trap with 'Where's the Sailor Gone To?' With Ricky Gervais and Stevela Mitchlings!<br><br>
'''Karl:''' If you're ever caught in the jungle, always carry some bit of danish.<br><br>
'''Karl:''' I don't check my balls, I don't like the feel.<br><br>
'''Karl:''' Cat food. It stinks a bit, but…if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.
<br>
<br>
"If you're ever caught in the jungle, always carry some bit of danish."
==Trivia==
<br>
* The Dolly Parton quote that Karl provided became [[David Brent]]'s closing line in the second series of [[The Office]].
"Kick me height"
<br>
"I don't check my balls, I don't like the feel."
<br>
"It worries me that you've got all that going on in your body and your skin's keeping it in place."
<br>
==Songs==
New Order - Here To Stay
<br>
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
<br>
Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Alison
<br>
Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?
<br>
I Am Kloot - To You (from Teachers 2 Soundtrack - Jane worked on this)
<br>
The Strokes - Hard To Explain
<br>
? - My Name Is Jack
<br>
Sterophonics - Vegas Two Times
<br>
Meats and Poultry - Nothing Ms. Jackson Mashup


==Extras==
==Playlist==
New Order - ''Here to Stay''<br>
Badly Drawn Boy - ''Silent Sigh''<br>
Elvis Costello - ''Alison''<br>
Cooper Temple Clause - ''Who Needs Enemies?''<br>
I Am Kloot - ''To You'' <br>
The Strokes - ''Hard To Explain''<br>
Free - ''My Brother Jake''<br>
Stereophonics - ''Vegas Two Times''<br>
Meats and Poultry - ''Nothing Ms. Jackson Mashup''<br>
The Shining - ''Quicksilver''<br>
The Flaming Lips - ''Race For The Prize''<br>
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - ''Spread Your Love''<br>
Blur - ''Universal''<br>
Fujiya & Miyagi - ''Rot''<br>
[[Song For The Ladies]]: Nick Drake - ''At the Chime of a City Clock''


==Download==
==External Links==
[[Download:Xfm#20_April_2002|Download Page]]
* [http://arts.guardian.co.uk/fridayreview/story/0,,735297,00.html The Guardian Article that features Ricky and Steve] (now corrected)
* [http://youtube.com/watch?v=M9MZ79v8d8w David Brent uses Karl's Dolly Parton quote]
* [http://www.fujiya-miyagi.co.uk/ Fujiya & Miyagi's website]
* [http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm The Neil Armstrong urban legend - Good luck, Mr. Gorsky]
* [https://i.imgur.com/DHlW95b.jpg The original article as it appeared in The Guardian, April 12th 2002.]


{{Xfm Box}}
{{Xfm Box}}
[[Category:Episode Pages|1.20]]

Latest revision as of 00:29, 2 August 2020

Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes

Episodes:

  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Karl recounts his many near death experiences, has a suggestion for the Queen Mum's funeral and creates a new saying about cat food.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 13 April 2002/Transcript.

1. Stephen Mitchell (0:00:00)

Ricky and Stephen was interviewed in The Guardian about their favourite albums and Steve's name is wrong. In the interview Ricky says one of his favourite songs of all time is Bob Dylan's, "If You See Her Say Hello" which they misquote as "If You See a Sailor".

2. Win a Pint With Karl (0:02:46)

Ricky went out with Karl on Thursday and adventures happened. A competition could be Win a Pint with Karl. To show that anyone can do quotes, Karl's come up with a game of his own, where 2 are real and 1 is just made up by him. Karl's really getting into identifying fables.

3. Steve's Stunt (0:05:25)

Steve has been doing some acting, and this week has been doing his own stunts. He was petrified because he was wearing his glasses, which also impede him from both being in either a fight or a mosh pit. For the stunts, he's hoisted up in the air with a crane, terrified. Steve reads from the non-reassuring health and safety warning agreement, but Ricky says that stunt was nothing compared with just 3 random near-death experiences from Karl, all of which involve his stupidity. Karl says there's a 4th that involves cake.

4. Everyone Likes the Smell of Bacon (0:10:29)

Karl was out with Ricky and got to meet his mate Robin, about whom Ricky had made up a story about his having worms as a child, and his mother cured him by holding a piece of cheese by his anus so the worms would come out. Karl believed this, perhaps because of the story he knows of, where a man in the army had a worm and the doctor wrapped bacon around his head, "the thinnest part of the body", to lure the worm out. Steve is going to play a song from the Teachers 2 soundtrack, a show which Jane produced.

5. Mr Freeze (0:16:01)

Karl starts off recounting his most serious near-death experience. Karl's Mam and Karl's Dad would do the grocery shopping on Fridays, and Karl and his brother would be really excited and desperate by the time the food arrived. Karl had grabbed a Mr Freeze pop and knocked it back but it went down the wrong way. He was choking, but he was always choking (he thinks he has a small throat). Karl eventually fell to the ground, lips purple and eyes rolling into his head, and his dad came in and said it served him right for being greedy. His mam did the Heimlich Maneuver on him and he was all right. After that, Karl felt like a special person, and did 3 full days of school in a row. The next story is about Karl's paper round (the best job he'd ever had), where he'd get up at 4:30am so that he'd be done in time for Pink Panther at 5:30. On this particular bad winter day, Karl put on all his kit but Karl's mam had locked him in the house so he wouldn't go. So he climbed out of the bathroom window but he had so many layers on and his bag got caught on the window hook so he hung there, dangling. His dad came home from working nights and thought Karl was a burglar and shouted up at him, eventually helping him down with a big stick. A bonus story is about the time Karl tried to "kick his height". He thinks he'll die of cancer because he doesn't check his balls - he doesn't like the feel.

6. Good Luck Mr Croucher (0:27:20)

Karl picks up with his Neil Armstrong quote from last week. Karl is aware of loads of evidence that they didn't really walk on the moon. When Armstrong came back, he said, "Good luck, Mr Croucher", because of the time he overheard his neighbour shouting to her husband that she wouldn't perform oral sex on him until man walked on the moon. Steve has heard this story before but it's even more specific as "until the boy next door walks on the moon".

7. I'm Usin' Me Fables (0:31:40)

The first White Van Karl question is about David Beckham's broken foot; the second is about expensive apartments on ships. Karl's mam told him about one so big it had rough areas on it. Karl thinks the Thames is a waste of space and people should live on it. He heard about an ice cap that fell into the water, but is not concerned because it's just a big ice cube that will freeze up the water again. Karl compares this to ice cubes in a glass of Jack Daniels.

8. Why Not Put Her On a Trolley (0:37:38)

The next White Van Karl question is about the Queen Mum's funeral. There was a 12 hour estimated queue and Karl, Ricky, and Steve all have ideas for how to better manage that. Karl is genuine when he suggests they split up her body and people could pay respect to just one piece. Ricky thinks they could have 9 queues for the 9 hips she's had, and Steve proposes putting her on a trolley and wheeling her past everyone. Last question is about Elizabeth Hurley avoiding the press at Elton John's house, where Robbie Williams and others have gone before her. Karl thinks she's been doing too much lying low in the first place.

9. Shout Out (0:42:22)

A quite short link is cut off during which Steve thanks the emailers.

10. The Way I See It (0:42:48)

For the re-education of Karl, he's picked 2 that are real and he's made one up himself.
Quote 1: "Nothing is worth more than this day".
Quote 2: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you've got to put with the rain."
Quote 3: "Cat food-- it stinks a bit--but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die."

11. Forrest Gump Was a Bit of a Nutter (0:45:44)

Ricky and Steve know Karl made up the 3rd quote, but Karl has a different meaning to what they thought - because you love something, you'll put up with something you dislike for it. Karl brings up Forrest Gump who also made up great quotes and says they'd take the mickey out of him, too. Ricky requests the listeners write down everything Karl says. Karl saw Ricky's salamander who spends all its time plotting how to get out. Some more nepotism this week as Steve plays his mate's band next. Ricky has a fridge-freezer for sale, 400 quid ONO.

12. In a Wheelie Bin (0:50:47)

Karl's dad took some "Forrest Gump people" to Blackpool in his cab. One of the kids was misbehaving so Karl's dad put him in a wheelie bin and left him there for an hour and a half. Another time, he had to take old women to the bingo hall in a mini bus, and on the way back they were giving him a hard time so he dropped them on the side of the road and they were stranded. Karl's father was subsequently sacked.

Quotes

Ricky: Oh! Bob Drillboids. Flap on the Trap with 'Where's the Sailor Gone To?' With Ricky Gervais and Stevela Mitchlings!

Karl: If you're ever caught in the jungle, always carry some bit of danish.

Karl: I don't check my balls, I don't like the feel.

Karl: Cat food. It stinks a bit, but…if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

Trivia

  • The Dolly Parton quote that Karl provided became David Brent's closing line in the second series of The Office.

Playlist

New Order - Here to Stay
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
Elvis Costello - Alison
Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?
I Am Kloot - To You
The Strokes - Hard To Explain
Free - My Brother Jake
Stereophonics - Vegas Two Times
Meats and Poultry - Nothing Ms. Jackson Mashup
The Shining - Quicksilver
The Flaming Lips - Race For The Prize
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
Blur - Universal
Fujiya & Miyagi - Rot
Song For The Ladies: Nick Drake - At the Chime of a City Clock

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...
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