26 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 26 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

How Old're You?

Song: Blur - Out Of Time

Ricky: Blur, 'Out Of Time' on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve's a bit quiet, he's got a bit of a sore throat.

Steve: Oh, a bit of a sore throat? Murder, all week, it's been murder Rick.

Ricky: It's...we couldn't work all this week, um..

Steve: I've been off sick.

Ricky: Steve's been in Brist...Karl. You're not impressed.

Karl: It's just, I d...I don't understand why having a sore throat, sort of...

Ricky: Oooooh. Oh he's done you.

Steve: Right. What if the sore throat was so painful it was like you've got broken glass and razor blades in your throat? You can hear now I'm not even speaking from down in my throat, I'm speaking from the top of it like that so it sounds a bit weird.

Karl: But you're right.

Steve: What?

Karl: Your hands are alright aren't they?

Steve: Yeah but we talk when we're writing don't we and I can barely talk. It was in mur..I was in agony, I couldn't sleep because it was so painful even when I was just lying there, motionless, it was hurting.

Karl: I, I just was surprised ‘cos I got back off holiday and er, called Ricky and said “Alright? Is Steve alright?” and her said er, oh he’s had to go back home or something and he’s stayed ‘cos he, he’s got a sore throat.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I didn’t understand why you can’t just, like, go home, I mean y…, how old are you?

Ricky giggles nervously

Steve: What?

Karl: I don’t understand why you gotta’ be at your Mam and Dads when you should be ill?

Ricky: 29.

Steve: I happened to be at me Mam and Dads, ma Mam and Dads, now I’m talking like you, when, when this, this sore throat really kicked in.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: So I thought I’ll stay and get a bit of the creature comforts’ of home.

Karl: D’you know what I pictured though when, when he told me?

Steve: You see my parents aren’t like yours Karl. Your, your father would have popped down to the phone box and maybe looked to see if there was any kind of throat lozenges.

Ricky: Strepsils.

Steve: Yeah, where as my Mum phones up the doctor first thing she can, I’m straight down there with my Dad. They’re snapping into action, they’re trying to sort me out.

Karl: Mm. Bit like that Robbie Corbett thing in’it?

Ricky giggles

Steve: What?

Ricky: “Sorry”!

Karl: That “Sorry”.

Ricky starts laughing and clapping

Steve: You’re right Karl, yes your absolutely right, it is just like that.

Ricky: Ohh dear.

Karl: Nah, it’s just ‘cos…

Steve: You just went on holiday with your parents!

Karl: But not wi…, not with mine.

Steve: No, right.

Karl: Suzanne’s and it won’t be happening again! So, that’s that sorted.

Ricky: Well, well we, we’ll have more of that a little bit later.

Karl: Pain in the arse.

Ricky: Well luckily we’ve…, we came in a few times didn’t we? We, we’ve been here since about half eleven haven’t we?

Karl: Yeah. Sorting stuff out.

Ricky: Doin’ a show.

Steve: What, and have you been squeezing his head or…?

Ricky: Er, no that’s strictly between the hours of 1 and 3, we established that and I’ve kept to the rules haven’t I? I did practice the grip in the week didn’t I?

Karl: Yeah, just to see what method he was gonna’ use today.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, I came in, I, I did my back on Tuesday, I was sparring and I pulled my back and I was in agony and I had to get an emergency um, chiropractor out and sort it out and I c…couldn’t, I was on painkillers and I couldn’t walk the next day but I still came in and did a voice-over that was booked for 4.30, didn’t I? I got Johnny to walk me in ‘cos I couldn’t site down so I couldn’t take a cab but I could be upright and had to walk r…, he, got him to walk me in ‘cos I was scared someone was going to bump into me, and I did the voice over. That’s dedication in’nit?

Karl: Yeah, but…right. I got back off holiday on the er, Tuesday right, um, first day back was going to be on the Wednesday right? So I thought I’ll take it easy ‘cos you do that don’t you when you been on holiday.

Steve: Hmm.

Karl: The first day you just wanna sort of…

Ricky clicks his fingers

Ricky: Not me, I’m straight back into it.

Steve: Well, same here.

Karl: But, but it’s nice to, d’you know what I mean? Er, just sort of look at your e-mails, go through all them, work out what people need, for stuff.

Steve: Doss around, doss around, yeah sure.

Karl: Erm, so I thought I’ll take it easy, soon as I got in I was told that Ricky had been booked in to do a voice-over and I thought “Awww. Can’t handle that.” You know what I mean, on the first day, him coming in annoying me probably trying to get a weeks worth of head squeezing in.

Ricky muffles laughter

Karl: So I thought aw, so I called him up and he said “Oh I might not come in as I’ve got a bad back,” so I thought that’s alright, right? Er, then you just turned up didn’t you, said “Oh, managed to get a cab” er…

Ricky: Yeah Johnny walked me in, it’s sort…yeah…

Karl: He did, he did the stuff which, I haven’t got it here at the moment but I’ll, I’ll find it on the system and I’ll play you what he did.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: That he’s been paid to do.

Ricky: It’s alright! See you…

Karl: Well, well it’s not alright, I had to pretend it was alright when I had to play it to all my bosses to try and persua…

Ricky sniggers again

Ricky: Well it’s, well look that’s play that a little bit later but now, as we’re all back together Steve would you say the boys are back in town?

Steve: Yep. Brilliant.

Song: Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town

Froggy Says Buy It

Ricky: Thin Lizzy. “Boys Are Back In Town” on XFM 104.9, right? We are back in town.

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Me, Steve and Karl. Karl’s been on holiday.

Steve sighs.

Ricky: Steve’s been living with his mother cos’ he had a sore throat. I’ve, I’ve been hobbling around still tryin’ t…

Steve: You know what, what…

Ricky: Trying to keep things going.

Steve: You know why I think I was ill? Stress. I genuinely think it was stress. So I think, I’m beginning, er no, I’m analyzing it and…

Ricky: What do you think of that Karl?

Steve: But I’ll tell you what it is. Look, think about it though, look, we live in London, we got the war, the threat of terrorist activity…

Karl: That’s where I live, I’m alright. Next one.

Steve: We got SARS.

Ricky: One.

Steve: Yeah but you can walk to work I gotta travel on the Tube, I came in this morning, saw a Chinaman sneeze, I was terrified. S Club 7, they’ve split up!

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: I mean, like, I worry about those sort of people. They’re young kids, they’re talented guys I mean they say they’re going to be alright, I’m not sure Tina is, I’m not sure she’s got the talent. So, there’s just so many elements that scare…

Ricky: I remember you were worried about Hear’Say.

Steve: Well…

Ricky: Kym Marsh is doing alright.

Steve: Oh, Kym’s doing fine but she got out early.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

Steve: But you know I’m not sure the rest of them will be.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, I’m just…

Ricky: You’re quite emotional.

Steve: I gotta worry about the show, you got me worried about this, you know…

Karl: It’s just me I, I’ve never been that good when like anyone in the family’s ill or anything, I’ve just got, just because that’s the way I am, you know what I mean, if I’m ill I don’t expect people to run about after me.

Ricky: No, I’ve never been off for being ill, I mean you were a couple of weeks ago.

Karl: Yeah but that’s, that…

Steve: Hang on I’ve not missed, I’ve missed either of the shows, I’m, I’m ill today but I’m still here. You, you took, I seem to remember you took, er, you took a show off when you were ill.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re winging…

Karl: But I was really ill.

Steve: Mm, right. Sure.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: I couldn’t, I couldn’t even walk to work though.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That’s what I mean.

Steve: You go to the doctors?

Karl: No. I was too ill to get there.

Steve: Right.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: That’s how bad I was.

Steve: Did…did you call a doctor out?

Karl: Nope.

Steve: Oh. Interesting.

Karl: But it’s just that thing, I mean we were talking about it last night ‘cos I was saying to Suzanne and I said “Ohh Steve’s, you know he’s been living at home all week.” She said “Oh is he”…

Ricky: I love the way he talks about you behind your back as well!

Steve: Fine.

Karl: And er, she said, er…

Ricky: Malingering. Malingering geek she said.

Karl: And er, said he’s got a sore throat or something.

Ricky: She went “Sore throat?”

Karl: So er, she said “Well you don’t know how serious it is don’t be, y’know, don’t be off hand with him tomorrow, ‘cos, y’know, if he’s coming in and if he’s still not right.” ‘Cos she’s, she always sticks up for you.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah? Erm, and she said…

Steve: She’s got common sense.

Karl: She said “Anyway, you’re no good when people are ill.” I said “Hang on what you talkin’ about?” So erm, apparently when we first sort of started going out…

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: The first time she was ill she kind of thought she saw the real me.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: She was ill in bed, as I was like “Ohh just get up!”

Ricky and Steve snigger.

Steve: Of course you can drink these, you can drink alcohol with these!

Karl: And I was just like y’know, you make yourself feel worse if you lie in bed. I said “Come on we need to go shopping”.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: And she said “You go shopping.”, I said “No, I’m rubbish at shopping for food.” D’y’know what I mean? I’m alright at getting that nights food but once it starts like, you gotta plan.

Steve: Sure, yeah, you’re dropping the bananas, you’re…

Karl: Yeah, I forget all sorts of stuff.

Ricky: Cous cous all over the floor.

Karl: And she was like, she was like feelin’ hot and that, said I got a temperature, so well come to the supermarket and hang about in the chicken, frozen chicken section.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Cool yourself down.

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Erm, it, it made her worse. So now she was like remember that and I was like, yeah.

Ricky: Who’s that, who’s that hot woman sitting in the chicken fillets?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s Karl’s girlfriend, she’s obviously ill again.

Karl: Even, even when I was younger, you know I told you when I was picked at school to give old people biscuits?

Steve: Right, yes.

Ricky: Was ‘cos you had nice hands wasn’t it?

Karl: And nice nails.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, and then I went down a storm at that.

Ricky: Down a storm at that! Bravo! Get him back with the Garibaldi’s; he’s the best I’ve ever had, bravo! What do you mean you went down a storm?!

Karl: ‘Cos I’m into biscuits.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: You knew your stuff!

Karl: I was more concerned about them.

Ricky: I’m into biscuits!

Karl: Right so…

Ricky continues to laugh.

Steve: Did you make sure they finished the first layer before you dipped into the second layer?

Karl: Nah, there’s no rules like that.

Steve: No rules.

Karl: Just what do you want, what do you fancy?

Steve: What you want.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So um, because I was good at that, we, we were going to a er,an old peoples home where they’re a bit iller, rather than just being old, they were like, ill.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky is still chuckling.

Karl: And I said nah, not, not doing that.

Steve: Not going there.

Karl: As they’re old people.

Ricky: They didn’t want biscuits.

Karl: Yeah, that’s it really.

Ricky: They want surgery. So er, yeah that’s…

Steve: Did you have to dunk them in tea before you fed ‘em to them?

Karl: No it was just like y’know…

Steve: Did you have to feed them like pigeons?

Ricky: Did, did you have to chew their food then stick it down their throat with your face?

Steve: Yeah, like a little bird?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Just a little trolley, right, erm, a lad who I didn’t really get on with, he, he had good nails as well so he was serving the tea.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I just had a chat and said oh, do you want a biscuit with that?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What about this one? Do you like Bourbons?

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Oh, you did the whole…

Steve: Right, so it wasn’t like they had a choice, you just offered a selection?

Karl: Well I sort of sold the, the thing is there’s only so many so you’ve got to handle the situation well.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You don’t want too many wanting one type so it’s like, well you’ve had a Bourbon…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky squeals with laughter.

Ricky: What a great life they lead! They only pay about £900 quid a week to stay in that particular home.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And they get a free Bourbon by a kid with clean nails. Brilliant. Whoop-de-hoo!

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Ohh.

Karl: So anyway I’ve found these, er, things, do ya…?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! So what is it?

Steve: Explain this again.

Karl: So I got back of holiday, the first job I found out I’ve gotta do is work with Ricky for a voice-over.

Ricky: I do a regular thing, I do X-Ray magazine but I’m allowed to make the script up and they said I could so I did.

Karl: Right, so, imagine this.

Steve: Well I know you Rick and I know you like to put a lot of work into these things!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You want to do a good job.

Karl: So he rolls up, he says “Let’s do it then”, he said “What’s in the magazine?” and I said “Well here’s a selection of stuff, this is what you gotta sell.” He said “Leave it with me.”

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Um, he goes into the little booth, um, and the first one he comes up with is this little advert for it, right?

Ricky: (As a slurring old drunk) Uuuh uhhhh X-Ray Magazine, it’s out now it’s £3.50, May edition. Ah…m…music of tomorrow, Dandy Warhols, Picture and there’s a free CD with all the Placebo and the Donnas, and…th.Smog and Nightmares On Wax, Alpine Allstars, it’s only £3.50 it’s out now, buy it, in’nit. Meh.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Have you got a sore throat there?

Ricky: Well that’s alright in’nit? And he was going you can’t, I said we are doing that, I’ve done one, that’s it, that’s it! So I persuaded him, he went “Right, ok. We can POSSIBLY put that on XFM, right, I’ll have to see. Right”. I wouldn’t do it again, he went “But you need one for Capital”, he said Capital will no way, I went “Right I’ll do one more for Capital” an…

Karl: And for all other stations that advertise the XFM magazine, right, so this, this is the er, the one he thought would be alright for them.

Ricky starts chuckling to himself

Ricky: (As a hyperactive maniac) ooooooOOOOOOO! ‘Ello you loonies in radio land! Doctor Frog here to tell you about the new edition of X-Ray magazine, it’s out now and it’s only £3.50, not heard of it, it’s a great music magazine and you get a free CD featuring bands like Placebo, they wear make up but leave ‘em alone, Goldchain, Smog, OK-Go, The Donnas, an’ all great bands that you…you’ll love to Froggie here! Hello, hi! Ribbit ribbit, Froggie says buy it!

Steve laughs

Steve: Oh, oh well!

Ricky is still chuckling away

Karl: So then, he says “That’s it you’ve had your moneys worth!”

Steve: Is Dr.Frog still on, his he still on Classic?

Karl: I said that isn’t going to go out, they’re not going to be happy with that. He said “You’ve had your moneys worth, I’m going.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I’m left with that.

Ricky is still chuckling

Karl: I then have to get the bosses in, and because I’ve let him go, in a way it’s my responsibility.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I’ve, I’ve obviously thought I’ve got what I need.

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: I had to play them to the M.D.

Ricky: What did he say?

Karl: And justify…well, I was sort of thinking if I laugh, he might go “Well I don’t get it but he finds it funny.”

Ricky: Ohh, brilliant. Well done.

Karl: So I was laughing, he was sort of thinking, y’know…

Ricky: Excellent!

Karl: …is that it?

Ricky: Brilliant. When do they go out then?

Karl: Err…I think, I think one of ‘em’s going out at the moment.

Ricky: Excellent

Karl: I think the first one’s going out.

Ricky: Brilliant. Well let’s play a great track then.

Steve: Is it Doctor Frog? I’d like to see Doctor Frog feature on our show more often.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Ok. Oh! I’ve got some new comedy characters.

Steve: I can’t believe my luck.

Ricky: You know I love, er, the work of, um, comedy greats like Chris Moyles and Noel Edmonds? I’ve got some really funny comedy characters that will be popping in and out of the studio.

Steve: Save them! I’m excited!

Ricky: Ok.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy – All Possibilities

Who's That at the Door?

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy. ‘All Possibilities’, on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. And a few, a few new characters Steve.

Steve: Ohh I can’t believe my luck!

Ricky: As you said you, I mean you love Moyles and his, his sort of wacky stuff.

Steve: Chris Moyles. One of the greats.

Ricky: And Edmonds, just all the…um, well I’m gonna go along the same sort of…vein, I’ve come up with a couple of, can I do a little…show, show you one?

Steve: I’m excited.

Ricky: Ok, right it always starts with a sort of doorbell. So, goes, er…ding dong. I go oh no, hold on Steve, hold on Karl, who’s that at the door?

Steve: Yeah…

Ricky bangs the desk like a door opening.

Ricky: Hello. ‘Ooo ‘ello!’ Oh look, it’s Camp David the Right Queer Gay. ‘Oooooh ‘ello!’ Hello, you, you look all gay today, is that ‘cos it’s nice weather? ‘Ooooooh no, that’s not what it means.’ Oh, um….er….have you….got a girlfriend….C…Camp David the…Right Queer Gay? ‘No! But I’ve got a boyfriend’.

Steve sniggers.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Bye! Right?

Steve: Oh, dear.

Ricky: Ding dong! Oh there’s another one!

Steve: Hang on.

Ricky: Another comic…

Ricky bangs the desk again.

Ricky: Ch…er, hello. Oh look! It’s…Holy Fuk, the little funny Chinese fella.

Karl: Right!

Ricky speaks through giggling.

Ricky: Wait, that’s his name Karl!

Steve: That’s his name Karl.

Ricky: Karl. Hello Holy Fuk. ‘Herrow’. Right?

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah that’s fine, that’s fine.

Ricky: So. Um, Mister Fuk? ‘You can call my Holy if you want’.

Karl: Right…!

Ricky: No I’d prefer to call you Fuk.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Right. Y….you alright…?

Steve: Nothing wrong with it so far.

Ricky: No, I know! Um, um…mm, have you got a, er, girlfriend Mister Fuk? ‘Ah Chew’. Oh, ca…you haven’t got that SARS have you?

Steve: Yeah, yep topical.

Ricky: ’No that’s my girlfriends name.’

Steve: Ah, that’s clever.

Ricky: Oh, just before you go Mister Fuk…

Karl tries to cough over Ricky saying ‘Fuk’, but misses the word.

Ricky: I’ve got um…I’ve got two…I’ve got two things here. I’ve got a nice Trilby hat that you could wear?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or I got a little lampshade.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right? Which one do you want to put on your head? And walk around? I presume the Trilby?

Steve: No, bet it’s not.

Ricky: ’Naw.’

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: ’Lampshade’.

Steve: Lampshade, course yeah.

Ricky: Bye!

Steve: See ya.

Ricky: See you later!

Steve: Yeah. I thought they were genius.

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: Can I be honest? The truth, I mean, I’ll be honest, I thought they were brilliant.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I thought they were…you didn’t steal them of Chris did you?

Ricky: Nnnnno, no, no they were original, they were original characters.

Steve: I mean Chris Moyles has done stuff as good as that.

Ricky: I know, yeah yeah I know, yeah these are all mine, so, so, er, there you go. We’ll be, we’ll be, we’ll be hearing more from erm, Camp David the Right Queer Gay and Holy-…

Karl: The other one.

Ricky: Fuk, the Chinaman, what?

Karl sighs.

Ricky giggles.

Ricky: Alright Karl?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah? Just that, is that your sort of humour, it might not be your sort of humour.

Karl: You just should have run it past me before you did it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What one are you worried about in particular?

Karl: The er, th…the er, not Camp David.

Ricky: Well say his name!

Karl: No.

Ricky: Say his name.

Karl: I’m not saying…

Steve: Which one, I don’t know which one you mean?

Karl: The Chinese fella.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Wha…I forget who that was, what was his name I can’t remember?

Karl: Well if you can’t remember it can’t be that good so we’ll leave it, we won’t do it again.

Ricky squeals with laughter.

Karl: I’ll tell you what I have got Steve.

Ricky: Ahh..what?

Karl: Tell you what I’m thinking.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right. Erm, d’you know like TV programmes sort of get rested in the winter?

Ricky: Ding dong! Oh no!

Steve: Hang on who’s this?

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: ’Herrow again!’ Not now Mister Fuk, we’re talking. Bye.

Steve: Was that Holy-Fuk again?

Ricky: Yeah!

Ricky bursts into laughter again.

Ricky: Yeah…ok, Karl! Oh god. Look at Karl’s face! Right! Ok, that’s it now. I’m not answering the door anymore. Right, ok, go on.

Karl: Right. Erm, yeah th…

Steve: Dingdongdingdongdingdong, he’s trying to get in.

Karl: No.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Don’t be impolite Rick! Come on Rick he wants to come in.

Ricky: No it’s too late, it’s too late, he’s, he’s gone away now, go on.

Karl: Right, anyway what I’m thinking is…

Ricky: Nice hat.

Karl: What I’m thinking is Rockbusters coming back for a bit?

Steve: What?!

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: What? What you talking about?

Ricky: He likes my idea, he likes my characters! He doesn’t like that idea.

Karl: Like it..ohh…

Ricky: Go on, what Karl, what?

Karl: No I was gonna say if I came up with er…

Steve: With what? Name it.

Karl: With that, that Chinese fella…

Steve: What’s his name again I forgot him…

Karl: …for a sketch, you wouldn’t have liked it.

Ricky chuckles more.

Karl: Let’s do Rockbusters and see how it goes, I know you’re not a fan of it but…

Steve: Hang on…

Ricky: Yeah, I, to, to be honest Karl, he dissed Cheap As Chimps and we know that’s a brilliant ‘tle idea!

Steve: Hang on, sorry, we, we’d, we’d all agreed that Rockbusters was a piece of old toss.

Ricky squawks with laughter.

Karl: No it wasn’t I said it needed resting.

Steve: That was why we stopped doing it.

Karl: I said it needed resting for a bit.

Steve: I don’t remember that conversation. What do you mean it needed resting?

Karl: Just…

Steve: We, we abandoned it because it was appalling, you just you, you’d, it started of as a nice idea then you just gone crazy with it and none of it makes sense.

Ricky: Let’s play a record and come back to this shall we? What do you want to play?

A bit of Sugar?

Steve: Awww.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeah, that’ll cheer us all up.

Song: Sugar – If I Could Change Your Mind.

Steve: I don’t know why you were thinking of bringing this back. I’m genuinely worried about this.

Ricky: Well…

Karl: No, don’t…

Steve: Is that the doorbell?!

Ricky chuckles.

Karl: No.

Gayvid Gray, the Bent Pianist

Steve: I would be lying Rick if I told you that didn’t feature in my list of the best singles ever.

Ricky: That’s lovely. That’s…

Steve: ”If I Can’t Change Your Mind” by Sugar.

Ricky: Great, great pop tune.

Steve: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Ricky: Um, I’m, I think Karl’s worried about one of the names of my characters so I’m changing, ah, the…the gay fella’s name to Gayvid Gray, the Bent Pianist.

Karl: Right!

Steve: Hold on a min…what…

Karl cuts to adverts.

Always Stinking of Chip Fat

Song: Coldplay – The Scientist

Ricky: The Scientist. Coldplay. On XFM 104.9. With me Steve Merchant. Karl Pilkington. I’m Ricky Gervais, obviously. So er, Karl’s just getting a little bit frustrated there with Steve having nothing to offer after being off for a week. Do you know what he calls you now behind your back?

Steve: Ohh god, here we go.

Ricky: No it’s quite, it’s alright. He calls you the Professor, ‘cos of a picture of you in erm, My Media.

Steve: Oh right.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: No it’s, really, he said, he…

Karl: Did you approve it?

Ricky burst into laughter

Steve: I didn’t actually, no.

Ricky: No you know what it is don’t ya? It’s…you know when you take it from an angle? It sort of distorts one side.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And they’ve taken a picture from a bigger picture I think and so..it’s, d’you know what I mean, like it’s, it’s looking in a kettle and he went “What’s going on there?” He said “He looks like one of those professors of BBC2 school’s programmes!”

Steve: Well I take that as a compliment considering what I call you behind your back.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I tell you now it ain’t the Professor!

Ricky: Karl’s looking pretty good at the moment aren’t ya? Oh…!

Steve: I’m surprised, can I just say, I’m surprised that you, that you got chosen for having clean nails at school to serve the biscuits, ‘cos I’ve, I, I always imag…when I look at you I see you as a child. I see you as a grubby little child who’s always out in the streets getting dirty.

Ricky: I see Karl as quite hygienic ‘cos he’s always got a nice little…

Steve: Now-a-days I do.

Ricky: Yeah, a nice little top on.

Steve: But not the, not the boyhood Karl.

Karl: Er…

Steve: I always imagine you being quite neglected.

Ricky titters

Karl: Me, me clothes weren’t always the best and they were a bit worn but they were always clean.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: I always imagine that your house…

Ricky: Is there a Country song coming on? Is it, is, are you Dolly Parton?

Steve: I always imagine your house as having, and actually to be fair so do, I imagine your house stinking very much the same, always stinking of chip fat.

Ricky: Yeahalways stunk of it, yeah my Mum was always cleaning so again, the, it, it was always sort of like clean, it was just it didn’t…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It smelt of…

Steve: And cigarette smoke maybe?

Ricky: Er, yeah it smelt of Dettol, erm, pets, yeah and er, and er, cigarette smoke, yeah and chip fat.

Steve: Such a working class smell that.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: That’s a real working class, er, sort of smell and look and stench.

Ricky: Yeah. Are you talking about me now?

Steve: Yeahyeahyeah.

Ricky: Well, yeah, yeah.

Steve: The interesting thing is that Karl’s cleaned up his act.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I’m very, I have, I’m clean, I have two baths…

Steve: No, you are obsessed. Really freakish.

Ricky: I love, I love being clean.

Steve: Is this bad of me; I was in Waitrose earlier buying a sandwich, I got a bit of money now Karl to splash out on a sandwich, they’re like £2.50.

Ricky: You ever seen any of it?

Karl: Benji’s shut?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He does go to Benji’s! I tell you what…

Steve: I love Benji’s.

Ricky: We go for lunch, right, and if he looks in a restaurant and it’s sort of like £6.50 he goes “Rick, I’m not made of money!”.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He is. We have to go to Benji’s, he gets two sandwichs that have to fill him up, right, ‘cos they’re a quid each.

Steve: Well I’m a big guy I need a lot more food. I need, genuinely, a lot more food than most people. I’m like a Brontosaurus.

Ricky: It is. He’s just grazing all day.

Steve: So I’m, look, you know I can’t afford to splash out in Pret A’Monge all the time with your fancy French sandwiches!

Ricky tries to hold in his snigger

Steve: I, er, yeah, I like to get a lot of bread for my money, I want a lot of bread. Um, so I was in Waitrose and some guy came in behind me and he was, I don’t think he was mentally, er, doolally, but I think he’d been homeless for just too long and he was really…

Ricky: And what, what, what’s just right amount of time to be homeless?

Steve sniggers

Steve: Well I think it was…

Ricky: Ah, they, you want to get out of that game early don’t ya?

Steve: He’d passed the point of no return this guy.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I see, right, yeah.

Steve: I think it was, like, too late for him.

Ricky: Oh ok yeah.

Steve: There was no going back really.

Ricky: 6 months you haven’t got the best out of it yet.

Steve: And he came in, and he was walking at a bit of a weird angle. He walked like The Elephant Man even though he wasn’t deformed, it was probably like you were in the week, it was quite…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …it was quite unpleasant. And he sort of come up to me and he went “Urgh..” and, weirdly he spoke a bit like I’m speaking now because of my throat, and he was “Uggh…” and I thought if I speak to him back is he going to think I’m taking the mick, so I kept quiet…

Ricky: Mm-hm.

Steve: And he went “Urrrgh, alright? What’s your name?” and said, “Oh, er, Steve” and he shook my hand. He forcibly took my hand and shook it but he had these cuts and bruises on his hands.

Ricky: Aaah, the open sores.

Steve: Yeah! And I was, well you’ve shaken my hand and I was just terrified, I was just thinking get off my hand, let go of my hand! And thankfully…

Ricky: Did he have a bell round his neck?

Steve: Well he may as well have, I mean seriously, I caught the eye of a security guard, had him thrown out.

Ricky cackles

Steve: I’m all heart.

Ricky: This man does not have the funds to be shopping here, please have him removed!

Steve: This is Waitrose! This is part of the John Lewis Partnership! And erm,so they have him thrown out and do you know what, I, seriously then, I was just freaked out. I had to was my hand as soon as I could. I just, I, just, I couldn’t imagine the kind of grime that was crawling across one of his homeless…

Ricky: Are you, are you still doing your social work or are you…?

Steve scoffs

Steve: Whenever I can Rick.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. At least he used to give old people biscuits; you’d of gone “Oh I’m not going near them, look at them gums.”

Steve: Wouldn’t you have, wouldn’t that been grim. Would you have wanted that though, on, like old homeless people touching you?

Ricky: Well, no…

Steve: I’m not Jesus Christ!

Ricky: No I know. It’s not on my list. I don’t have a shopping list. Right what do I need? I need some batteries for my walkman, need to be touched by some old people. See ya later! Cheers!

Steve: I was watching er, the one thing I did watch all, all week was Columbo which seems to be on constantly. I was watching Columbo and I know you’re a fan of Columbo Rick?

Ricky: My, one of my favourite programmes of all time.

Karl: Right…

Steve: Do you not think that…

Karl: I’ve taped it. Oh, right, I just thought you were gonna talk about it.

Steve: Well…

Ricky: Oh, which one? There, they…

Steve: What do you mean…?

Ricky: They made about a, ninety and they’re showing on about 4 channels in rotation!

Steve: But it doesn’t matter if I tell you who did it because you’ll find out in the first 5 minutes.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly, you find out in the first 2 minutes anyway.

Steve: And to be honest, if Robert Vaughn’s the star, it’s probably gonna be him!

Ricky: Or, or Culp. Often Robert Culp.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, sometimes Patrick Maghooan.

Steve: But do you not think that Columbo looks like he smells? Would you imagine he smells a bit? He’s a brilliant detective…

Ricky: But he’s got that dog and he smokes cigars so I imagine he smells of…

Steve: I reckon he doesn’t clean his clothes.

Ricky: Oh I think he gets up and washes but I think he’s acr…

Steve: I just think he’s too absent minded, I think he’s too busy thinking on solving crimes and stuff.

Ricky: What, what do you think, do you think his wife makes him cleans his pants now and again?

Steve: I think they’re quite a bohemian couple. I’m not sure she’s really interested in that, I think she’s kind of, she’s got her own mind, maybe she’s a painter or something.

Ricky: Nah, maybe she’s ah, she’s losing it a bit and he’s a bit embarrassed by her.

Steve: Yeah that could be true.

Ricky: And she’s probably incontinent so whilst she’s ironing his trousers she just, just…prhooooow….all over ‘em, and he goes...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (As Columbo) – Ohmygod, she shat in my pants again, I gotta wear ‘em do….

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah so that’s, that’s where, oh! Ding dong! Who’s that?

Steve: Who’s this?

Ricky: ’Ooh ‘ello!’ Oh, oh look it’s Gaybid Gray the Bent Piano Player. ‘Oooooooh….’ Alright.?

Steve: I thought it was gonna be Columbo. That’d have been a joy.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Columbo!

Steve giggles

Steve: Ding dong!

Ricky: Ahhh! Er, (As Columbo) – My wife loves ya. Hm. ‘Harrow’! Oh I don’t believe it, look who’s turned up Karl!

Steve: I can’t believe my luck.

Karl: Do you er, do you wanna do Rockbusters Steve now, can we do it?

Steve: Ok, listen. With the whole Rockbusters thing, I, I don’t want to be responsible for bringing it back so I think we should put it to the vote. E-mail in, we’ll give people 5 minutes to e-mail in, I’ll take a straw poll, do you want to see the return of Rockbusters or not. We’re leaving it to you the audience.

Ricky: Right ah, ok Steve, I…I guarantee it’s going to be a landslide, they are all going to want it, but why have we ever trusted our listener?

Steve: Rick…

Ricky: We know what they’re like, you’ve just described some of ‘em with the bloke in Waitrose and Columbo’s wife shitting herself, so that’s the sort of people that, you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah. It was actually, it was wired because the Waitrose guy did ask for my autograph before he was hauled away.

Ricky giggles

Steve: So maybe he is a listener. But all I’m saying is maybe there’s some, maybe there’s posters to draw in some fresh blood, there’s some people who’ve maybe not heard Rockbusters before, they’re the ones who’ll probably vote for it. Anyone else who’s heard it before, surely they’re not going to see the return of that? No one wants to see that.

Ricky: What’s the number?

Steve: No let’s e-mail only we don’t want to speak to these freaks.

Ricky laughs

Steve: [email protected]

Ricky: I love the fact we don’t want to speak these freaks, we work with one of them! God.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: If you want to see the return of Rockbusters vote yes, if not, no.

Ricky: Tone it down a bit, let’s not do three.

Karl: No, I’d, it’s got to be three otherwise it’s too easy.

Ricky: Ohh ff….

Steve: [email protected]

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Just choose the best one.

Karl: Yep.

Song: The Who – The Seeker

So Here We Go Then

Steve: ’The Seeker’ from The Who.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Classic rock.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Alright, well unsurprisingly the overwhelming consensus is that people would like to hear the return of Rockbusters. I should however point out, some of the, some of the no responses, er, let me see what we got here.

Ricky: Has Dicky Anderson called in yet?

Steve: Sadly nothing from Dickers.

Ricky: I think I might make him one of my hilarious sort of comedy characters.

Steve: Yeah? What do you think he would sound like?

Ricky: Erm. What would he sound like? (In a very dreary, slow, boring accent) ‘Sort of probably like that’. I think.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Ding dong!

Ricky: ’Hello’. Hey, it’s Dicky Anderson!

Steve: I can’t believe it.

Ricky: ’Your show’s rubbish.’ Summit like that?

Steve: I, I mean, I think you should work on it perhaps?

Ricky: You saying that there’s not a lot of substance Steve?

Steve: I’m just saying that, you know, once the novelty of the doorbell has worn off…

Ricky: Yeahhh, I’m…I don’t think you understand comedy on radio Steve.

Steve: I’m not sure I do.

Ricky: To be honest. Listen, listen to a Noel Edmonds, listen to Moyles, you’ll see you don’t need to riff with it, it’s just, you just door the doorbell and just say they’re here.

Steve giggles

Steve: Ohh.

Ricky: That’s all you need to do.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: So, that’s the main thing.

Steve: Well some other negative response…

Ricky: I’m, I’m thinking of some more comedy characters as well.

Steve: Well keep working on those.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Marcus has e-mailed, erm, he says no to Rockbusters, he hasn’t heard it but it sounds rubbish. Believe me you, you couldn’t be more right.

Karl: Well, does The Office sound good as a title?

Steve: Right. This is someone else; Don’t bring back Rockbusters, please can we have more Holy Fook?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: You’re not pronouncing it right Steve.

Steve: I know, I know, I was just a bit edgy there.

Ricky: Really it’s Holy Fuk, the Little Chinese Fella. Holy Fuk, the Little Chinese Fella

Steve: No, ok, otherwise Karl, other than those few negative ones, most people want to see the return of Rockbusters, so shall we, do we tell people what the prizes are?

Ricky: Ok, go on then, let’s go.

Karl: Let’s do it.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Are these the prizes?

Karl: Yeah, they’re the prizes

Steve rummages through a bag

Steve: Alright let me have a look. The new album from Goldfrapp. What’s this one here? Oh, er, no idea. Er, The Yardbirds. A new album from The Yardbirds? Hm. Er, on VHS, er, ‘Coogan’s Run’, the ah, the ah show where different characters make an appearance each week including I think Pauline and Paul Calfe, good stuff. Who the hell wants this? ‘Meglos’.

Ricky: What’s that?

Steve: A Tom Baker ‘Doctor Who’ edition. And the only decent thing really in the collection er, other than ‘Coogan’s Run’ is the X-List, a double CD featuring lots of current Indie favourites. So erm, not bad, not bad little selection there Karl.

Karl: Yeah? So er, if you are new and you haven’t heard it before, I sort of give a cryptic clue and then some initials…

Ricky: Well…

Steve giggles

Ricky: I’d say it isn’t cryptic. It’s, it’s like ‘What am I thinking?’, that might or might not be the initials I’m gonna say. That’s how you gotta think really.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Do you wanna remind them of any, that spring to mind, just to, as an example?

Ricky: An exploding pet was Atomic Kitten, doesn’t really work. Erm, what else?

Steve: I fell down in a puddle in Texas…

Ricky: …and got my legs wet, er, knelt down in a puddle got my legs wet, er, Wetknee Houston. Doesn’t work either.

Steve: Wetknee Houston. Whitney Houston.

Ricky: Jamaican, erm, swinging a fish round, er, De Trout Spinners. Doesn’t work in the slightest!

Steve chuckles out loud

Ricky: Doesn’t work in the slightest.

Karl: Well, there you’ve an idea of how it works so…

Ricky: Erm…

Karl: There’s 3 of them, you e-mail in erm, so here we go then. Er, number one. The gingerbread man has only got one leg. Right? The gingerbread man has only got one leg.

Ricky: Got it.

Karl: The initials there…

Ricky and Karl: L.B

Karl: L.B, right? K. Second one. Er, these people from the East Midlands swear a lot. Alright? These people from the East Midlands swear a lot.

Ricky: These people from the…?

Karl: …East Midlands swear a lot.

Ricky: Ok.

Karl: The initials T.T.D. Right? And er, the third one. Have a holiday in Italy. Right?

Ricky: So you’ve done 3 then.

Karl: T.B is the initials on that one. So, quickly again, the first one, the gingerbread man’s only got one leg, L.B.

Ricky: Yep, got that one as well. I got that one. I got 2.

Karl: These people from the East Midlands swear a lot. T.T.D. And er, third one, have a holiday in Italy, T.B. E-mail in with what the songs are and you win that stuff. [email protected].

Steve: Hang on it’s not the songs, it’s the artists isn’t it?

Karl: Yeah. Yeah, just…

Steve scoffs

Ricky: Oh yeah like, like he said that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok fine. E-mail only please, [email protected].

Karl: We got that going.

Steve: Yeah, looking forward to the answers on that.

Ricky: Brilliant. Bit of Feeder’d be good won’t it?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: I love this…

Song: Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow

Song: Placebo - The Bitter End

There's No Thread To Them

Ricky: (In a smooth DJ voice) Placebo and ‘Bitter End’. I don’t want to contradict you lads but we got a full hour to go here on the, er….

Steve laughs

Ricky: …Ricky Gervais Show, on XFM 104.9. I am Ricky Gervais, the afore mentioned Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Rockbusters.

Steve: Ohhh. Ding dong.

Ricky: Oh, who’s that? Oh it’s…it’s…Pa…Posh Bloke Who Doesn’t Care About Poor People. Hello Posh Bloke, what you doing?(As a Roger Moore-esque smooth Brit) I’m in my Rolls-Royce and I don’t like the homeless.’ Oh Posh Bloke! Don’t be a c…you wanna do the, er…?

Steve: Satire. That is satire!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean, I, I, there’s nothing like it.

Ricky: See, it’s political as well.I’m getting in…

Steve: Oh there’s so many things, don’t even begin to show off…

Ricky: I was showing up foreigners, some foreigners are funny, I got in the fact, like, I, if you’ve noticed that Chinese people wear different hats to us?

Steve sniggers

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: So that’s political in a sense.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So…

Karl: The weird thing is Steve, that is like what I imagine Ricky’s house being like when people are ringing the bell, ‘cos they’re all so different he’s got…

Ricky: He’s obsessed with all my friends being slightly different to each other! I, I never understood. He goes “There’s no thread, there’s no thread to them. All my mates have got a thread running through them.” I was in, I mean literally as they walk out of the…home.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, what do you mean my friends are all different?

Karl: But that could be, it wouldn’t surprise me if, if, I was round there and the bell went and I say “Do you want me to get it?” and you say “Yeah” and I opened it and it’s y’know, er…”

Steve: What, Holy Fuk?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Holy, er, yeah, he’s at the door, right and then I’d say “He’s busy”, close the door, bell would go again and then you got the little gay fella.

Ricky: Gayvid Gray.

Karl: Yeah. And then, d’you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah…Not really, no.

Ricky: ’Cos he’s met some of my friends and he looks at them in a weird way, I mean some of them are weird, but, erm, he just…

Karl: But…

Ricky: Oh, the other night, right, he’s got a thing about Robin, my mate Robin, right, who’s a lovely bloke, right, he’s going “I,I can’t be handling him he talks too much, he talks…”. You know Robin sort of goes bleleerrrerrrrrrrrrerrrrrr and he talks really fast and he’s, he’s sort of riffing all the time and that, goes “It does me head in. Why’s he talking like that?” And, um, er, I said, er, Karl’s out for a drink, I went er, he went “Robin’s not going to be there is he?” I went “No.” And I was there with erm, Johnny and um, I’d set him up, I knew Robin was going to be there. Robin comes in, sits down and goes “Hi.”; I go “Alright?” Karl goes “Right I’m going.” And I, Robin sort of looks at him, I went “Oh, don’t be stupid”, he went “No.”, and this is in front of Robin, who’s confused, Karl goes, points at him, put finger, goes “I said was he gonna be here, er, you know I don’t like him.”

Steve: That’s…

Ricky: It was unbelievable.

Steve: Appaling.

Ricky: It was unbelievable Steve and Robin sort of looked like really, genuinely sort of upset and he goes “Well shall I go?” I went “No don’t!” and Johnny went “Oh Karl, he’s a lovely bloke,” right? And Karl went “Well, no, h…I…y’know, I’m less annoyed at Robin now…” who’s done nothing…

Steve: No, of course!

Ricky: ”...than you!” And I went “Look! Just have a chat, have a…”, he goes “No, it’s not worth it, y’alright.” And Robin’s going “Right…” I went “Robin, stay.” He went, “Nah,” and I made them stay and in the end they were getting on weren’t you?

Karl: Well yeah in the end.

Steve: I can’t believe… what were you thinking Karl? What kind of despicable man are you? That’s a…that’s…

Karl: Why am I the bad one?

Steve: Out of all the things you’ve done, that’s terrible.

Karl: Hang on a minute, why am I the bad one when it’s this, it’s, when it’s Ricky’s fault that we were both there anyway?

Ricky sniggers

Steve: We all understand, the rule is…

Ricky: It’s a public place.

Steve: …you don’t say to someone in front of them I don’t like this person and I’m shooting off.

Karl: I don’t think I said it like that.

Ricky: You did.You said it exact, said it exactly like that.

Steve: I wouldn’t be surprised Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, and he was like genuinely confused and he was sort of like sitting there thinking “Ohh do I have to take this? What have I done?” and he was upset anyway, he just had a show that didn’t, y’know.

Steve: You are one of those typical Mancs who are arrogant and they swagger around the place like ‘I don’t need anyone’ and I tell you this, if you lose, if you ever lose Suzanne you are going to be one lonely man I tell you, because you make no effort to maintain your friendships.

Ricky: You say these sort of things that he’s saying to you about Liverpudlians and I tell you what I’ve never seen a Liverpudlian as rude as you.

Steve: You are, you’re like the Oasis brothers.

Ricky sniggers again

Steve: Lary, loud, rude.

Karl: No but I said, Robin’s alright, I had a chat with him. He was a bit quieter the other night, he was fed up, I said if he’s fed up all the time I’d be happy.

Ricky:

Steve: He’s fed up ‘cos you’ve just insulted him!

Ricky: Yeah, and he was alright, he didn’t talk much, he’s all upset ‘cos he’d been in a show in a, res…he’s..as…he said, he said “Well next time one of his family dies, we’ll have anther drink”.

Steve: I don’t know what you’re like Karl, I don’t know what you’re like mate.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: You are a, I just think you’re a, the more I think of it the more…

Karl: The thing is you’re not a good mate with him, you were like taking the fun out of his, er, out of his little thumbs that he’s got.

Ricky squeals with laughter

Ricky: Yeah but, that’s like the, my squeezing his head to you ain’t it? I’ve got different, different mates for different parts of the body.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I like to squeeze your head, I look to look at his thumbs and that.

Karl: It’s wried you know right, I was, I was thinking of doin’ a bit of Educating Ricky, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky is stifling giggles

Karl: I’m always looking for stuff, learning stuff as well as doin my other job and that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Urm, and when, when we went out with Robin and er…

Ricky: What does THIS mean to anyone?!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s just having a conversation about people they don’t know. Go on.

Karl: But it’s enough in’nit? His name’s Robin, he’s got really small thumbs.

Ricky sqwaks with laughter

Ricky: He looks a bit like, um, Millhouse doesn’t he?

Karl: That sums it up , like Elephant Man, you know what you’re getting there, right? Robin has got little thumbs, right? So…

Ricky: I wonder if he’s listening?

Karl: I wanted to do some, um, er…

Ricky giggles harder

Karl: …research, and I wondered if there was anything on small thumbs? Right.

Ricky laughs again

Karl: I found something. Do you know the saying, er, ‘Rule Of Thumb’?

Ricky: Oh is it an inch?

Karl: Well, well it…do you know what the saying means?

Ricky: Oh, is it some, hitting someone, hitting your wife with a stick?

Karl: Yeah, apprantly.

Steve: Ok, let, go on, explain.

Karl: Well ‘Rule Of Thumb’, you know what they saying means if someone says?

Steve: Err, kind of, yeah.

Ricky: Well it just means it…wo…usually…

Steve: A rule of thumb is a general rule.

Ricky: Exactly, yeah.

Karl: Right, where it actually came from is years ago, er, husbands weren’t allowed to sort of, clout their wife with anything…

Steve tuts

Steve: What was it like in the past?

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: You couldn’t clout your missus.

Karl: …with anything wider than your thumb.

Ricky: The, the stick had to be the same, no bigger than your thumb.

Karl: And Robin…

Steve: What?!

Karl: …Robin could do no damage.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Although his is wide, he’s got a little thumb like a little knob ain’t it, it’s like is truncated., ‘cos it starts of normal. It looks like he’s had um, his big toes put on his hands.

Steve: Does he have to drink a pint with two hands?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, and he’s, he’s dropping stuff all the time.

Steve: Can I just go back to the ‘Rule Of Thumb’ thing though. The idea of, what date was this? I’m not asking Karl, I’m looking at Ricky ‘cos you’re not going to have any idea Karl, it’s just going to be ‘The Past’.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I like the idea that…

Ricky: I think it’s the same sort of day where, I dunno, you c…i….you got hung for being homosexual and you could shoot a Welshman.

Steve: But I like the idea that there’s people, there’s blokes beating their wives with shovels, blocks of wood and someone’s gone “Hang on a minute everyone this is crazy!”

Ricky: ”Hold on, wait a minute, let’s have a look at your thumbs. What can we do?”

Steve: ”Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, we’ve got to have some kind of rule here. I’m all for beating your wife but let’s have some kind of rule, let’s give them a sporting chance, surely?”

Ricky: Yeah, he goes “What, I tell you what, what about you can hit her with the width of your thumb?” and the wife goes “Make it the width of his knob.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: I go “No!”

Steve: He slaps her again.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, “Width of your thumb, alright?” ‘SSSSSSCHCUW’ “Better?” “Yeah.”

Steve: It’s like the em, it’s like the, seeing in the swimming baths they used to be those signs that would say um, ‘No Running’, ‘No Jumping’

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That makes sense, ‘No Bombing’, fair enough. Um, ‘No Petting’.

Ricky: ’No Petting.’

Steve: It’s like you’re not allowed to kiss in a swimming baths.

Ricky & Karl: Yeah…

Steve: And I love the idea it’s probably some kind of lifeguard who’s sort of, maybe saw his ex-girlfriend getting off with some bloke in the water and thought “Oh, bloody hell! Right there’s no petting anymore in here!”

Ricky: ”What d’you mean?”

Steve: ”No petting, you can’t, you’re not allowed to kiss. Her. Or anyone, no, no-one.”

Ricky: ”You’re not doing this just because we used…”

Steve: ”No, nothing. Just, there’s not a problem.”

Ricky: ”Ok…”

Steve: ”Not a problem, just leave and don’t ki…you want to swim? Swim but don’t kiss. There’s no, look, ‘No Petting’.” “Did you just right that on yourself in Biro?”

Ricky: ”Yeah.”

Steve: ”No.”

Ricky: ”What’s this, ‘No Fiddling Downstairs In Or Out The Swimming Pool’”?

Steve: ”No.”

Ricky: ”’No Fiddling With Her Down…’”

Steve: ”No, no no no.”

Ricky: ”Ah, right.”

Karl: It does annoy me though. I was saying to Ricky the other night when we were walking somewhere.

Steve: ’No Taking Her For A Drink Afterwards’

Ricky sniggers

Steve: ”You can’t enforce that!”

Karl: People who kiss and that in the street. That annoys me.

Steve: Oh yeah, people showing their affection for one another.

Steve tuts

Karl: No. They can hold their hand and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But it was just…

Ricky: Yeah, I s…I agree. I agree yeah. I see two people eating each other at like, in a restaurant or summit.

Steve: Two people EATING each other?!

Ricky: You know. Snogging in public.

Steve: Oh right, yeah.

Karl: So that’s that.

Ricky sniggers again

Karl: Er, answers for Rockbusters we doing now?

Ricky: Oh, well come on then let…

Steve: Well no, I think let’s play a record, let’s come back with some answers for Rockbusters.

Ricky: Apparently we got a, how ‘bout a bit of Cure?

Karl: You want a bit of Cure?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: S’alrightwegonnahavehearemwronghear’emwrong…

Song: The Cure – A Forest

Ricky: Ding dong.

Steve: Oh here we go.

Ricky: Ooh it’s a fat fella with lipstick. ‘Hello!’

Karl groans

Steve: Is he like the gay guy?

Tourettes Trent D'Arby

Ricky: ’A Forest’. The Cure. XFM 104.9. Good track in’nit?

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Going all the way back, all the way back there. Well Rockbusters. The results. You’ve had a few real answers, proper answers I hear?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: So, either I’m wrong or people do think like you. I’ve got two of ‘em, and what are the clues again?

Karl: Right. Er, first one was er, the gingerbread man has only got one leg.

Ricky: I got that.

Karl: That was L.B.

Ricky: Limp Bizkit.

Karl: Right? Er, the third one…

Ricky: Yeah, that works.

Karl: …the third one that I think you’ve worked out? Have a…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …Have a holiday in Italy?

Ricky: Turin Brakes.

Karl: T.B. Turin Brakes.

Ricky: Yep. This is the one I can’t get. If it, if this is, if there’s a reason why I can’t get this, we’re not doing Rockbusters.

Steve: Can I give the answer to this one?

Karl: Er, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: What’s the clue?

Karl: The clue? Er, these people from the East Midlands swear a lot.

Ricky: Yeah. T.T.B.

Steve: The answer?

Ricky & Karl: T.D, T.T.D.

Ricky: Yeah go on.

Steve: Give the clue again.

Karl: These people from the East Midlands swear a lot.

Steve: Tourettes Trent Derby.

Ricky: Right. You’re never doing Rockbusters again.

Steve: Tourettes Trent Derby.

Ricky: Right, you’re not doing it.

Steve sniggers

Ricky: You’re never doing it…you’ve blown it. You see you sneeked that one in, you e…ahh….ah…

Karl: Yeah but I always like to sort of give two that you know, are fairly easy and then you, you , you sort of work out the men from the boys then, don’t ya?

Ricky: Yeah, but I...he….I, I mean…?

Karl sighs

Ricky: I’ve I’d have done a character called Tourettes Boy, friend of the Little Chinaman and it went; Ding dong, ‘Oooh look it Tourettes Boy friend of Holy Fuk’ ‘Fuk?’ ‘Holy Fuk.’ You’d have been annoyed. D’you know what I mean? ‘Oh who’s your mate Tourettes Boy?’ ‘Holy Fuk.’ You’d have been annoyed wouldn’t you?

Steve: Is that a character from Lenny Henry’s show?

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I can’t remember if it’s Chris Moyles or Lenny Henry.

Steve: Yeah, one of ‘em. Anyway the winner, lucky old Richard Perks from Birmingham. He’s listening presumably on Sky and so, nice to have him listening, and that’s Richard Perks he got the answers, all of them right, in fact most people seemed to get Terence Trent D’arby, or Tourettes Trent Derby.

Ricky: Well I think that’s offensive, erm, if you want to complain, erm, what’s the number, what, who’d they write to to complain about that, you er, using that as a…

Karl: The same person you told people to write to and tell ‘em I was a knobhead and shouldn’t be on the radio.

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: La,last week when I was away.

Ricky: Did anyone do it?

Karl: I think a few went through it yeah.

Ricky: Did you listen to the show?

Karl: I, I listened back to the recording yeah.

Ricky: Did you get any e-mails before you listened to the show?

Karl: Yeah when I got in.

Ricky: Did it upset you? What sort of things was it?

Karl: Just stuff, er, I can’t remember just, ah, it was weird because there was like a few of ‘em in a row and I just thought “What’s that, what’s happened here?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I love, ‘cos we, we said that, yeah you weren’t here so, so what, what did you say?

Ricky: I just said, er, phone in, um, we had a couple of genuine e-mails that liked the show, didn’t they?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I said phone in, and, er, um leave a message or e-mail Andrew Phillips and Karl Pilkington and just say the show was great, the show was brilliant without him. But they went a bit too far did they? What did they say then?

Karl: Ohh I can’t remember, and it doesn’t bother me ‘cos I’m not bothered what people say, am I.

Ricky: No.

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Ricky: No. You don’t care, you don’t care what YOU say to people either. Poor little Robin, he looked crushed.

Karl: Oh whatever.

Ricky: Whatever?

Karl: Well it doesn’t matter because he’s, he’s doing well at what he does!

Ricky: He couldn’t even hitchhike home ‘cos they wouldn’t stop ‘cos his thumbs didn’t show up.

Karl: He earns…

Ricky: He was waiting there for ages by the side of the road.

Steve: Do you know the difficulty he has buying gloves?

Ricky cackles away

Steve: It’s murder for him.

Ricky: Ye…he wears little oven gloves.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: From like Wendy Houses. He, er, he has to wear Barbie oven gloves.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Aww.

Karl: Right, so, er, yeah so they winner then, Richard Perks in Birmginham if you could just e-mail in with your address.

Ricky: There was another winner wasn’t there, um, what was his name? We..wh…is…

Steve: One, one person who got all the right answers and was almost a winner but his name was Peter Kay.

Ricky: And I like, I like Peter Kay to come in second, so we gave it to Richard Perks.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Peter Kay…never gonna win.

Ricky: Play a record.

Song: Radiohead – There There

I'd Like a Severe Blow

Ricky: Radiohead. ‘There There’. XFM 104.9, rejoin Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right, Rockbusters. Well you’ve blo…you shot yourself in the foot with that, so, er…Tourettes Trent Derby?

Steve: Amazing.

Ricky: I mean…what did you think of first? His name and what words you could put in there?

Karl: Er, I normally sort of just go through a Guinness Book of Hit Singles and go “Right who can I do?”

Ricky: Right. You’re giving away a lot of, I mean that, I mean you’re an enigma Karl, I wouldn’t give away your workings. I mean, ‘cos everyone, then everyone’ll be able to do it. And what, and what you’ve got now is a gift that people can’t really tap into.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? See that's what Lenny Henry and um, Chris Moyles's mistake. See I've sort of worked out how they do their comedy and I'm doing it now.

Steve: Hm. Sure.

Ricky: Do you see what I mean? Now that I'm, y'know I'm, I'm doing c...

Steve: I mean, I think the only way that people would start to be able to replicate a lot of what Karl does is maybe they had a severe blow to the head or they were diving and they came up to the surface too quickly.

Ricky: Ding dong! ‘Ooooh I’d like a severe blow!’ Oh, get lost Gayvid!

Ricky giggles.

Steve laughs.

Steve: Ohh let’s have some adverts quick.

Karl cuts to adverts.

Talkin' of Weird Heads and Stuff

Song: Steely Dan – Reelin' In The Years

Ricky: Steely Dan. ‘Reeling In The Years’

Steve coughs hard.

Steve: Sorry about that.

Ricky: Look, look he’s gone to put on his little duffel coat.

Steve: Yep. Well I’m not very well.

Ricky: You look like something that walks round Forbidden Planet.

Steve scoffs.

Steve: Don’t say that, that’s the ultimate insult!

Ricky chuckles.

{Steve|You can say I look like something you’d BUY in Forbidden Planet but not someone that goes shopping in there! Please.}}

Ricky: The Professor. Awww, The Professor. Oh brilliant. Oh, talking about weird looking, em, heads and stuff…

Steve: Go on!

Ricky: …um, we’re, um, doing that cartoon on the internet at the moment, that little cartoon I did of erm, Karl, and the bid’s up to £200…

Steve: Hang on that doesn’t make any sense to people that don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ricky: Oh, I did a little cartoon of Karl and because he doesn’t like his picture in the paper, when people request a picture of us, he started sending that off. It’s in Heat isn’t it, it’s going to be in Jack, and they put it on the internet and they, they’re bidding for it aren’t they?

Karl: Yeah it’s at er, £200 quid.

Ricky: That’s ridiculous in’it?

Steve: That’s crazy. That’s crazy.

Ricky: So what I thought was, we’ve got, we’ve got to frame it Karl, we got to put the copy of Heat in or summut, you’ll have to…t,t,the winning show, the show that they win on, erm, you’ll have to do a copy of that, you know what I mean, they get something for their money. I feel, I, I’m mildly embarrassed, so er, it’s for a good cause and everything but, erm, didn’t someone say £250 if they can come in watch the show?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: We can’t do that, we don’t allow people in, but what I thought was, what about the winner gets to come in a squeeze your head? So they get in, just, just for two minutes, we present them with it, yeah?

Karl: I’m not, no.

Ricky: What d’you mean no? It’s for charity

Karl: I’m not having strangers coming in squeezing my head.

Ricky: What?!

Karl: What d’you mean it’s for charity?

Steve: It’s for charity Karl, come on mate, what…

Karl: I don’t care, I’m not doing that.

Ricky: They’re not going…

Karl: I think even an ill person would say “No don’t, it’s alright I’m not THAT ill.”

Ricky: What d’you mean?

Karl: You don’t have to have your head squoze though.

Ricky: Squoze? Squoze!

Ricky starts giggling.

Ricky: You don’t have to have your head squoze!

Steve: Alright let’s move on. Karl…

Ricky: So how do they bid then, how do they know they’ve won?

Karl: Go to XFM.co.uk/ricky, you can see the picture on there, er, if you’re interested, if you think it’s worth more than £200 and you got some money, then you, you send an e-mail in saying I’ll give you, you know, £220 quid or something.

Ricky: But are you not going to let ‘em squeeze your head?

Karl: No.

Ricky: So we’ll get someone in, and we’ll, we’ll, we’ll frame it up, put a little note of like, er…

Ricky & Steve: …authenticity.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: A picture of us, can they have a real picture of you? A little behind the scenes?

Steve: Imagine David Dickinson examining that in a couple of years.

Ricky giggles.

Ricky: ”This is as cheap as chips”. You can sue him then ‘cos he ripped off your phrase a little bit didn’t he?

Karl: Alright.

Steve: ”You’ve been done here mate. You have more money than sense, £220!”

Ricky: I, I tell you what, have we got Monkey News today? We might not get to it mate, we are running out of time.

Karl: No, we’re doing it.

Ricky: What d’you mean we’re doing it? It’s…

Karl: The show isn’t complete without it. I’d rather drop adverts and stuff.

Ricky: Well I’d rather drop adverts.

Karl: No,we’re doing Monkey News. D’you want it?

Steve: Rick, my concern is that is you put Monkey News on the subs bench it’s going to be like David Beckham.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He’s going to have his eye wandering to other radio stations.

Karl: Yeah? Yeah? And look what’s happened, look what he’s doing.

Steve: Yeah he’s off to Real Madrid.

Karl: He’s off to Real Madrid, I might take Monkey News off to Radio 2 or something.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Don’t be leaving Monkey News on the bench.

Ricky: I imagine if they’re listening now they’re probably going to call you, go “Karl were you serious about bringing Monkey News to Radio 2, ‘cos the cheque’s open!”

Steve giggles.

Karl: Well d, d’you want a bit now or what, what we doing?

Ricky: Well no, I want you to tell, er, Steve about your holiday. ‘Cos you told me in the week.

Karl: Awwww.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Ste…I mean bad idea, I had a feeling anyway about er, going away with like Suzanne’s Mam and Dad, ‘cos I’ve never been into, sort of, family holidays anyway.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Er, even when you see it, when, whenever I’ve been on holiday and you see like families on planes and that and they’re all having a laugh and a joke, loving it, and then on the plane going back you an see that they’ve gone off into groups and like, you know, the Dad isn’t talking to the daughter and all that business so I thought “I’m asking for trouble,” but y’know, I do everything once. D’you know what I mean? Boxing, dancing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Going on holiday with parents and that, give it a go, see how it goes.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So erm…

Steve: Not you’re A-Levels, but fair enough.

Ricky chuckles.

Karl: It started off, it started off bad didn’t it, ‘cos last week I told you that her Dad called us up and said, you know, “I wanna take some teabags with us to Maderia.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ”What’s the best way of packing ‘em?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right so I knew there was gonna be problems like that ‘cos the thing with Suzanne’s family right, is they like having a routine.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: They know what they’re doing everyday.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: They know what they’re having for tea everyday. It’s the same thing every week. And stuff like that, so I thought this is gonna be interesting this ‘cos they can’t do what they normally do.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky sniggers.

Ricky: I love it. I love you treating it like an experiment.

Karl: Yeah, right…

Ricky: Just watching ‘em all the time.

Karl: So, um, the first problem they’d never flown before so I was winding them up a bit…

Steve: ’Course you were.

Karl: …saying y’know, it’s murder, it’s really horrible. Er, y’know, the f…plane goes all over the place and her Mam had done some research saying (In a moaning female voice) “Well I’ve been reading about it,” and er…

Ricky: What, she got a funny accent?

Karl: ”More, more people er, there’s more chance of me being killed b…on a donkey than there is on a plane” So, I upset her I said…

Ricky: Especially when you get to Spain.

Karl: I said when we get there let’s see if there’s any donkeys on the beach.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? And she didn’t like that, so…

Ricky: Oh, what? The joke about hoping she died?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve sniggers.

Ricky: Aww what’s up with her?

Karl: Right, so we get there and, erm, you know, they see the villa and that and they’re quite happy with all that business, right, and all that stuff. As time went on I was getting a bit, sort of fed up with ‘em being around us all the time.

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: I think you should have your own time when you’re on holiday with the family.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You should say “Right you go off and do you thing.”

Steve: Yeah.

{{Karl|”We’ll do our thing and we’ll meet up later and talk about what we’ve been doing and stuff.”

Steve: Mm, mm.

Karl: Anyway so it gets to like the Thursday, we’ve been away since…Monday, right, and, er, I said “Right we’re going out tonight.” So, her Mam says “Yeah, we’ll come with you,” I said “No. No, it’s just us, we’re having a bit of time on our own, right?”

Ricky: Did you say, is it true you said to her, you told me this, you said to her “You’re starting to annoy me, I want to go on my own.”?

Karl: Well I just said, well I told her at the start, I said it’s gonna be interesting this ‘cos people annoy me when they’re around me a lot.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So I wasn’t nasty to her, I just was saying people, not her.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: D’you know what I mean? I’m just saying. You’re gonna get on me nerves. So erm…

Steve: You hailed a donkey for her…

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: So, but no…seriously right with the flying do you know those stockings that you can get because of er, deep vein throm...

Steve: Thrombosis, sure.

Karl: She had them on in the cab.

Ricky & Steve: Both laugh.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And it’s only a two hour flight as well, so that was annoying me. Right so…

Ricky tries to talk through giggling so much.

Karl: …erm, so anyway, it gets to this, gets to this erm, you know, the, the Th…the Thursday night when we, when I’m going out with Suzanne.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And er, her Mam’s like sat, sat on the, on the sun lounger outside and “Where we going tonight?” I said “No, like I said, just, it’s just us going out having a bit of time to ourselves”. So, er, I could see as the day was getting on she was realizing that she’s got a night in with like her husband…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …right? Er, she started, her face started to like look miserable.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: I was like I’m loving this. Right?

Ricky chuckles.

Karl: So I said “Right, I’m ah, going in to have a shower, go and get ready for tonight, it’s gonna be great”.

Ricky: And winding ‘em up, just winding ‘em up ‘cos they can’t come, ‘cos he SAID they can’t come!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right, so I go upstairs, have a er, have a shower an’ that. I come down and er, her Mam’s sat there smiling.

Steve: Ohhh hang on.

Karl: So I’m thinking “Hang on a minute, what’s gone on here?” so I went to Suzanne and I said, er, “Why’s your Mam smiling, she’s not coming.” She said, er, “No but me Dad said he’ll take her out now.” So in a way she was happy ‘cos she’d got her own way…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …which annoyed me.

Steve: That annoyed you, sure. ‘Cos you wanted…

Ricky: Yeah, ‘cos you didn’t want her husband taking her out.

Karl: Well it’s just the fact she didn’t want to go out, she was happy to stay in and have sausage egg and chips that they’d found from some shop that sold English food.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So that’s almost like what they’d do if they’re at home.

Ricky: Sausage, egg and chips. Yeah.

Karl: So, she was happy with that if we were staying in and having it, but ‘cos we were going out, she was fed up.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Right. So she’s smiling, so she’s going “Yeah I’m going out now,” so I said “Well enjoy yourself.” She said “Where are you going?” I said “Well it doesn’t matter does it, you don’t need to know.”

Steve: Sure, yeah.

Karl: ”You’re not going where we’re going.” “Oh you just don’t want us to be in the same restaurant.” I said “Yeah that’s right,” I said “I want a night out on my own with Suzanne, it’s our holiday as well.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I don’t know how you can talk to them like this.

Steve: It’s, they’re not even his own parents. This is someone else’s parents. These are the parents of the wome-- of the woman he loves.

Karl: But, but even Suzanne sort of agreed with me. There’s only so much time you can spend with your parents, that’s why you leave. That’s why when you’re ill you don’t go home to them!

Ricky sounds shocked, but amused.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Sure.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah. ‘Cos the slight difference between me and you Karl is that not everyone in the world annoys me.

Karl: Well, not everyone does, just…

Ricky: I, I can see why, I, I felt a bit guilty that week when he said I was annoying him, but I realize it’s not my fault now.

Steve: No. Eveyone annoys him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So er, yeah it’s it was an alright holiday, it was good to get back.

Steve scoffs

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: Er, won’t be doing it again.

Steve: No. And what now would you say your relationship is with Suzanne’s parents? Is it a frosty one?

Karl: Err… no, I just think they know that... I’ve… that I don’t like…

Ricky & Steve: Them.

Karl: … to prolong time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I mean when we were packing her Mam was upset because like she really liked the place where we were staying, right, it was quite a big villa ‘cos there was a few of us, was her brother as well with us right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, er, her Mam said “Oh I love it here,” she said, er, “I’m definitely going to book this place again.” I said “It’s a bit big, you know, bit big for two of you in’nit?”

Ricky: Just being sarky like, they’re definitely…

Steve: Yeah!

Karl: I said, this, you know I wont be coming back here again.

Steve: You’re like, I don’t know what you’re like Karl! You’re just, you’re a monster! You’re an absolute monster!”

Ricky: You’re one of those people who goes (As a Yorkshire man) “I say, I speak as I find, I say as I…ah, jibberth wat the wibble.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ”And never the way will slep.”

Steve: You’re like a middle-aged man! You’re like an old man, you’re like an old man and your, and you’re what, 30?

Ricky: I’m just imagining you scraping along in clogs and a flat cap going “Ooh. That tree’s gotta come down.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well…

Steve: Puncturing a kids ball if he kicks it into your garden by mistake.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Refusing to give it back.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. “Gather round, gather round. There was once Chinese kid as hairy as that cow which is wieid ‘cos there’s not many Chinese people that hairy, but this one I tell thee, it was back in 1990…”

Steve: ”Grandad are you eating a Twix?”

Ricky laughs

Song: U2 – With Or Without You

Restaurants Don't Allow Animals

Ricky: Well that’s U2, er, ‘With or without You’, but we’ve got to cut it a bit shot because we’re actually running out of time; we’re so jam packed this show. We’ve got Monkey News on the bench; Karl’s just remembered we’ve got Cheeky Freak of the Week to fit in!

Steve: Aw jeez.

Ricky: I don’t know what to do! Um, what’s your Cheeky Freak of the week, quickly, just throw that away.

Karl: Right, well it’s just like you know, we look at, we look at a Cheeky Freaks er…

Ricky: Is this show offensive anyway to some people d’you thinks?

Steve: Ding dong.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: ’Got any buns?’ Oh it’s the Elephant Man! Go on.

Karl: Right well, it’s a bit of a problem for you this one Steve, right, I’m chucking it forward to you. Know the Cheeky Freak of the Week we were talking about er, that illness where people age quicker?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: The 5 year old girl that was older than her Mum.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And he said to you, “What, if you ran an off licence you wouldn’t serve her fags and beer?” and you went “No,” he went “Why not?” you went “’Cos it’s a 5 year old!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He went “Oh, she’s got enough problems, give her some fags.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: You remember that don’t ya?

Steve: Sure, sure.

Karl: Right, another dilemma for ya, right? Picture this, you’re running a restaurant, right? Door goes, right? Er, few people most of them look normal. You notice the woman at the back crawling on all fours.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Top half is woman, right? This is real.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: This isn’t like a comic or anything, this is on…

Ricky: Yeah I’ve seen it, they’re called Dog People and her legs just come straight down, they’re like little legs at the back and so they walk on all fours ‘cos it’s easier.

Karl: Dog People, right?

Ricky: Yeah. Not Dog People, they’re human beings with deformed back legs so they walk, it’s easier for them to get around like that because they can’t, they can’t stand up because they can’t stabilize and also it comes straight out of their hips.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So you’re running a restaurant, it’s a busy night, you haven’t really got time for any hassle, she comes in.

Steve: Uh-ha.

Karl: Would you serve her?

Steve: Erm…

Ricky: The premise being what, that he doesn’t serve dogs?

Karl: ’Cos restaurants don’t allow animals in.

Ricky: RIGHT! Sh…SHE…right…right…

Karl: It’s a dilemma.

Ricky: It’s not a dilemma, she’s not a dog, she’s a human being with deformed…

Steve: Yeah. I’d put a plate of meatballs on the floor and she tucks in.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: And you know, a little glass, a little bowl of wine.

Ricky chuckles more

Ricky: Oh…god….!

Steve: Next to it.

Ricky: Ah. He turns around and there’s the woman holding the…

Steve: Get away from that plant!

Ricky bursts into laughter

Ricky: ”GRRRRRRRRRR!” Service included? “GRRRRRRRRRRRR!” Oh dear.

Steve: Ok, so Monkey News please.

Karl: Alright alright then.

Steve: Let’s hear the jingle.

Ricky: Ooh, Chimpanzee That! Monkey News!

Steve chuckles

Steve: And again, and again!

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: Oooooh, Chimpanzee That! Monkey News!

Steve: Brialliant.

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Right. Erm, right, before I went away I told you about Alfred. Erm, he was the, he was the monkey where there was a robbery going on in a bank.

Ricky: And then he nicked the robbers loot and backed out with a gun.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah but…

Steve: He robbed the robber didn’t he.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Did he take his gun as well?

Karl: He took, he took all the weapons, there was like a couple of robbers he managed, because there were so amazed that a monkey was coming in, it was like…

Ricky: Don’t. Talk. Shite. Twice.

Steve: Anyway.

Karl: Anyway, got a follow up to that.

Steve: Ok, now what was that monkey’s name?

Karl: Erm, Alfred.

Steve: That was Alfred.

Karl: Erm, so anyway, erm, because a lot of people wanted to know, well, what did he do? Did he go off and have a holiday? Did he nanana…

Ricky squeals with laughter

Karl: So the follow up is, what happened is the monkey had the guns, had the cash which was $250,000.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Right? It went back to the zoo, right?

Ricky: Ahh..y…right, Karl, you’re talking sh…

Steve: Would, would you, Ricky. I get angry with you when you won’t let him finish his Monkey News!

Ricky: Oh, Christ.

Karl: Let me just get…the official things.

Karl mumbles to himself shuffles through paperwork

Steve: Imagine if people were interrupting Trevor McDonald? It wouldn’t happen.

Karl: I don’t, I want to make sure I don’t get anything wrong.

Steve: No, course not.

Karl: Erm…

Ricky: No, he’s checked the internet!

Karl: So erm, the monkey goes back to the zoo, right, where all the other zoo keepers come out and go “Get him, he’s got the guns.”

Steve: Yep.

Karl: He hands out a couple of guns to his mates…

Steve: What, his monkey mates?

Karl: His monkey mates so they’ve all got a couple of guns each.

Steve sniggers

Ricky: Oh Karl…Steve I can’t mate. I cannot stand it.

Steve: Just shut up…

Ricky: I want to fff…scream.

Steve: Please. I really get annoyed with you.

Karl: They tried to do ‘em a deal, how about it..

Ricky: !AH! I’m goin’, tell him, I’m going’, no I can’t.

Ricky gets up and walks away from the microphone to the door

Steve: Right, step out for a moment.

Ricky: Look just do it, this is…

Steve: Step out and I’ll paraphrase what I hear for you when you come back in. Step out now, please, I need to hear, need to hear the end of this.

Ricky: Right I’m gonna listen out here then.

Steve: Please, this is important stuff.

Ricky leaves the studio

Karl: Right.

Steve: Right, Ricky now has left the room. He cannot bear to hear, which is surprising to me.

Karl: Right so anyway erm, so yeah they’ve got the money and they say to the zookeepers “How about, er, we give you some cash?”

Steve: Yes.

Karl: And they go…

Steve: Sorry, wa…hang on, the zookeeper said that to the monkeys?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: No, no no! The monkeys who have got the £250,000 say to the zookeepers “We’ll sort you some money out if you let us go.”

Steve: So the monkeys say to the zookeepers “We’ll give you some money.”

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: You don’t see any problem with that?

Karl: Right, listen.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: It’s nearly finished.

Ricky bursts back into the studio

Ricky: Right I’m listening out there, you, this is ridiculous.

Steve: Go…!

Ricky: What do you mean the monkeys say? What do you mean the monkeys say to the zookeeper?!

Karl: They’re probably holding the money out like kind of going, “Look, y’know, we’ll do you a deal”.

Steve: Right ok come on.

Karl: Erm, and what happened is I think er, I think that, I think they were happy with that I think they left and that was that. They, they wanted to get out the zoo, ‘cause they didn’t like it in there. There’s the thing.

Karl hands over some paper

Karl: Just have a look.

Ricky: Right, Karl, think! Right, how did they get out in the first place, this one?

Karl: Just let Steve have a…

Ricky: So why did he, so he went and robbed, he thought…ah….what, he knew there was going to be a robbery that day did he?

Karl: He might have been getting some money before they went to escape and that happened and they had more money, they might have been withdrawing some stuff out?

Ricky: What do you mean? No!

Karl: If he was planning on leaving a zoo, he’s gonna get his savings…

Ricky: A…what are you talking about!?

Karl: What’ve you read there Steve?

Steve: I’ve got a, I’ve got a feeling this is a review of one of the Planet Of The Apes films.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I think it’s Escape From The Planet Of The Apes, I’m not certain, it could be Beneath The Planet Of The Apes.

Ricky: Right, I mean Karl, think. Think! Please, think, right? So this, this monkey leaves the zoo, right, he leaves the zoo, right, so he leaves the zoo which he can do, presumably what, they leave him the keys or what? They’re chatting to him they might as well. He goes to a bank, what, what’s he thinking of doing, see’s a robbery probably by chance; he probably wasn’t tipped off was he? Oh has he got one of those police scanners? Probably got one of those police scanners hasn’t he?

Steve: Well I think he was going to the bank to get a mortgage to build a, er, a slightly larger, he wanted an extension didn’t he on his er, cage?

Ricky: Think of that. And so he then, I love the fact he hands out the guns and they do a deal, it’s just, honestly. You got the best, you’ve got the best mind working on radio today. It’s incredible.

Steve: See, the only person who makes less sense is Terry Wogan.

Ricky cackles with laughter

Ricky: Ahhh…he goes up and down don’t he?

Steve: I don’t know what he’s talking about.

Ricky: I can’t understand his sentences ‘cos I don’t know…

Steve: It’s like free form poetry.

Ricky: Yeah, he’s sort, it’s the end of a sentence in the middle, start a new one? Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But…

Steve: Well let’s have the jingle again, a record and then we’ll probably have to wrap up the show I imagine.

Ricky: That was ‘Ooooooh Chimpanzee That! Monkey News!’.

Song: REM – What’s The Frequency Kenneth?

Ricky: Er, I am not Kenneth but I can tell you the frequency was 104.9

Steve scoffs

Ricky: See you next week, I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant…

Steve: Oh, man alive.

Ricky: …and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Do you think when Marconi invented radio this was what he had in mind for it?

Ricky: 2 hours of absolute…see ya later.