Tape 4/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 4, from Xfm Series 0.

Best Thing to Come out of Birmingham

Claire: ...this afternoon on the request hour. Ricky, you've got something to tell us?

Ricky: What?

Claire: In your role as head of speech,

Ricky: Yeah...

Claire: You said you were gonna speak.

Ricky: Oh no no, I've just got a fax through about a new club- it's a club I'd already heard about, it's called the Chill Club, and it's upstairs at the King's Head and it's sort of really laid back and you go in and sit on scatter cushions and be hippie and chill out and drink till 1 and stuff, and they have like little acoustic sessions, and that's this Saturday, Saturday the 31st, I think it's every other Saturday at the King's Head in Fulham.

Claire: Oh right, yeah.

Ricky: And um, I've heard good things about it, and it was sold out last week so they said get there early. Doors are at 8:30, and a bar till 1, no entrance after 11pm, and it's a fiver.

Claire: Oh, cool.

Ricky: And it's meant to be really cool, just sit down, sort of you know, trip-hoppy-folky-Portisheady-jangly sort of stuff. Right up your street Sturgess.

Claire: Yeah well-

Ricky: Not Ben's though, he likes clubbing doesn't he, late clubs with like loud music and-

Claire: He does, doesn't he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah, he goes to be-

Ricky: Balti didn't come out of Birmingham.

Claire: Yeah, and talking about that, I mean I sti- no one has phoned to confirm or deny the Balti Birmingham thing so-

Ricky: I heard the dish, not the actual dish, not the pot, not the lump of clay, but the stuff in it, the particular blend of herbs and spices that we now know as Balti,

Claire: Originated in Birmingham.

Matt: I'm ruling it as valid.

Ricky: Maybe he's right, hold on, no cos it's not the blend of spices it is the fact that it's called Balti cos you eat it out of the pot and that- I think he's right.

Claire: You're embarrassing yourself now Gervais.

Ricky: Oh God, I'm backtracking. But thinking about it, yeah it's not the ingredients, the important thing is that it's cooked in that- and of course they didn't invent that there they-

Matt: See...

Ricky: I think he's right, Sturgess.

Claire: Well in that case,

Ricky: Slade it is then.

Claire: No, Black Sabbath.

Ricky: Slade, oh get lost! Slade!

Claire: Black Sabbath!

Ricky: And if we're counting Led Zeppelin- if we're counting Le- if we're counting Led Zeppelin, obviously Led Zeppelin.

Matt: No.

Claire: Black Sabbath.

Matt: Sabbath are better than Zeppelin.

All argue

Ricky: Oh come off it!

Matt: No, no. You're wrong. You're having a mental aberration if you think-

Ricky: Go on, give me an example.

Matt: Well there's a fantastic story, just the ludicrouses- ugh, ludicrous-ness, is that righ- is that a word?

Ricky: It's sort of-

Claire: That's a word now.

Ricky: Ludicrosity.

Matt: That'll do, yeah.

Claire: (laughs)

Matt: Tony Iommi was asked when they hit big in America what it was like for Black Sabbath and he said "Oh it was mad, we went back to the hotel and there was like ten satanists sitting outside our hotel room, all dressed in black with black candles, so we blew the candles out and sung Happy Birthday to them!"

All laugh

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: So that is proof.

Ricky: Yeah but Led Zeppelin said "BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK AND ROLLED!" and I think that sums it up.

Matt: Are you squeezing your lemon?

Ricky: Yeah I'm squeezing my little lemon. I'm putting my little cocktail chipolata on the table between two pickled onions and seeing if that fat bridesmaid-

Matt: And the juice is running down your leg.

Ricky: Yeah and the juice is running down my leg, indeed. Well, we've embarrassed ourselves,

Matt: Yeah.

Claire: I think in a way we might have embarrassed XFM,

Ricky: And I think,

Claire: And I know,

Ricky: Certainly,

Matt: Mainly,

Ricky: We've embarrassed,

Claire: London.

Ricky: London.

Matt: Yeah.

Claire: XFM 104.9, it's just gone quarter past 3 on a Wednesday afternoon, it's the request hour, it's your choice of music. I think we'll have some more music now, this is for Gary O'Donnell who says, "Chocolate is the best thing to come out of Birmingham." I can't say the brand name cos then apparently I'm advertising. It's that chocolate.

Ricky: That Bourneville?

Matt: It's not like you to advertise is it, Sturge?

Ricky: (laughing) No!

Claire: Ohh! No!

Matt: No no-

Claire: No!

Matt: I wouldn't-

Claire: No!

Matt: Sturge I wouldn't say you advertise, I wouldn't SEAT.

Ricky: I wouldn't SEAT, no.

Matt: No,

Ricky: I wouldn't SEAT either.

Matt: No I mean you don't want to be Pampered.

Ricky: No.

Matt: No.

Ricky: No. The Sky is the limit,

Matt: Yeah.

Ricky: The Sky is the limit. You know...

Matt: Exactly, it's like you've won the lottery.

Ricky: It's the dry wive weap that I like.

Matt: (laughing) Yeah.

Song: Public Enemy & Anthrax - Bring the Noise

Still Not Working

Claire: Public Enemy. Anthrax. Bring the Noise. That's for Gary O'Donnell this afternoon on the request hour, it's XFM 104.9 it's just gone 20 past 3. Are we gonna give away your prize that you brought it specially?

Matt: Yeah, we have a winner. Mark Adams from Harrow.

Claire: Ah.

Matt: With his undercracker explanation.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: That is the same one that dropped off Duffo.

Claire: Is it?

Ricky: He just called.

Claire: Well he is a star.

Matt: He's won it, he'll be able to, uh... "Gary's voice challenge: How good are you at imitating comedian Michael Barrymore? Try this famous catchphrase: 'Alright?'" You'll be able to do that.

Ricky: Yeah you'll be able to do that.

Matt: You'll be able to impress your friends and family.

Claire: That's just amazing.

Ricky: I could do it, "Alright?"

Matt: See?

Ricky: Yeah.

Matt: Where is he? Where's Barrymore?

Ricky: Yeah.

Matt: Where is he?

Ricky: He's at the back.

Matt: Was he in then?

Ricky: Are you alright at the back? And obviously Norman Collier.

Matt: Woow!

Ricky: Norman Collier. *taps mic* Like that. *taps mic and clears throat several times* That's my Norman Collier there.

Claire: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah... brilliant.

Matt: Here y'are, "My name is Michael Caine."

Ricky: So- yeah.

Claire: Hey! It's like he's in the studio.

Ricky: Actually, "It is nice to see you Claire, to see you um, nice."

Claire: Ohh!

Ricky: Oh these are great tips!

Claire: That's brilliant.

Ricky: He didn't just- he didn't- what I'm gonna do- keep taking off the pop shield.

Claire: Why are you playing with your- (laughs)

Ricky: No cos I can hit it *taps mic* and be Norman Collier.

Claire: Oh right.

Ricky: Um-

Claire: That really hurts my ears in the headphones-

Matt: I believe if they were gonna rename this book they'd call it the Bible 2 - The Good Book

Ricky: (laughs) The Good Book

Claire: Yeah.

Matt: It's a beautiful thing and-

Ricky: Mark Adams didn't just like- wasn't grateful for we- he claimed it, he said "Yes, I claim that book."

Claire: Really?

Matt: He phoned up with his address.

Ricky: And quite rightly he is the winner.

Claire: Actually because we had forgotten about it actually so thanks for reminding us.

Ricky: No it's great.

Matt: That's yours.

Claire: Have we got his address have we?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah, fine. Marvelous. I've completely lost my train of thought now, what was I gonna do next?

Ricky: What's the chances of that? Usually you're so slick, you know where you are, you're together, good links, you can... string a sentence together... no, it's obviously our fault.

Matt: No that's somebody else. That's Jackie Brendles!

Ricky: Let's leave the studio and see how good Claire is. We'll leave the studio.

Matt: Go on.

Claire: Yeah if you would.

Matt: We're off.

Ricky: This is gonna be pretty good I imagine.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay?

Claire: Okay, I'll see you in a minute then.

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Claire: Alright then, see ya. *sighs*... No, still not working.

Song: Fluke - Atom Bomb

Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

Claire: Wednesday afternoons in the capital with Fluke - Atom Bomb on the request hour this afternoon as requested by Phil... I've got my train of thought back!

Ricky: Yeah...

Claire: It worked!

Matt: Hooraaayy!

Ricky: Yes.

Claire: Marvelous.

Ricky: Well worth waiting for as well.

Claire: It's going incredibly well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: It's going incredibly well. Now, you may remember all this week I've been trailing a very special guest that was gonna be joining us this afternoon, Martin Clunes was gonna be here...

Matt: Clunsey. The boy Clunes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Sadly, as you've probably noticed he's not.

Ricky: No.

Claire: Um, he's a very busy man, he's got lots of stuff to do,

Ricky: Yes, all the press- for the launching that Terrence Higgins Trust campaign for safe sex.

Claire: Exactly so I mean that's cool with us and he's gonna give us a call on Friday.

Ricky: He is indeed. He's busy all this week.

Claire: Which will be brilliant.

Ricky: But I mean I've got Matt in instead,

Matt: Yeah.

Ricky: Cos he's got big ears.

Matt: They're beautiful and big.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah. And you smell of booze as well.

Matt: Well Yeah there is that but you know...

Ricky: Hold on, no I'm not- no well yeah "smell of booze" but we- we mean- we're not saying Martin Clunes smells of booze.

Claire: No- no.

Ricky: We're taking reference to his character in Men Behaving Badly.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: We're not saying he likes a drink. We're not saying he's like... a nonce, but you know he- he might like a drink, we're not saying-

Claire: We're not saying he's a lush... you know-

Ricky: Not- you know, or a teetotal.

Matt: But you're saying I reek of ale?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Matt: But only cos I spill most of it!

Ricky: Yeah well it's the-

Matt: It's not my fault, after the- you know, 18th one!

Ricky: After the accident.

Claire: It was balancing on the backs that didn't go down too well.

Matt: I felt terrible the other day though.

Ricky: Regular as clockwork, on the hour, his right hand starts going, then his left hand starts going, and if he's got a beer in it it goes all over the place.

Claire: Gets a bit messy doesn't it Matt?

Ricky: Pavlovian conditioning though isn't it?

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: Since the age of 14. You- he can't keep his wrist still.

Matt: (laughs)

Claire: "The best thing to come out of to come out of Birmingham", so says Steve in Surrey, "Ricky, the best thing to come out of Birmingham is yourself when you leave."

Ricky: ...What?

Claire: If you were to go to Birmingham tomorrow,

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: For the day,

Ricky: Oh and then leave it.

Claire: And then leave Birmingham the next day,

Ricky: I'd be the best-

Claire: You'd be the best thing to come out of Birmingham, that's a compliment.

Ricky: Excellent. That's ni- what, even better than Pig? From Pipkins? Presumably.

Claire: Well, presumably.

Ricky: "The best", it says "The best", that's it.

Matt: I don't think you're ever gonna leave Birmingham if you go there again after saying that about the people from Leamington Spa!

All laugh

Matt: They're getting a squad together at the moment!

Ricky: Luckily they can't hear us.

Matt: Cos they've got no ears!

Ricky: Cos the little radio waves that we do just die... die after the-

Matt: That's true

Ricky: M25 they go "Oh and that was Mulder and Scu-" *whistles*

Claire: And then it's just quiet...

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Tumbleweeds.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: Aw. "We are the Tumbleweeds!"

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Carl, Graham, 'Gasmask' Grimshaw...

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Oh yeah... "Mummy, my head's getting hot again"

Claire: Matt are you impressed with this? Are you impressed?

Matt: I am, yeah.

Ricky: Fantastic.

Matt: Well.

Claire: Wednesday afternoons at XFM means it's Matt's day, Matt have you enjoyed yourself today?

Matt: Yeah, wild whores wouldn't drag me away.

Claire: No-

Ricky: (sniggers)

Claire: (laughing) No... I think you meant to say 'wild horses' actually.

Matt: I know what it means, Sturgess.

Claire: Thank you.

Claire: ...is for the person who phoned or faxed in last week asking for Frente and we didn't have it. And you said to me Ricky, "You can't say you don't have it!" But I honestly didn't have it but now I have it so whoever wanted it, it's for you.

Ricky: Excellent.

Claire: Does that make sense,

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: What I've just said then?

Ricky: Probably um,

Claire: To someone.

Ricky: Retired now,

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: To the country. "I can't wait for Frente anymore, let's shoot off."

Claire: So who have you just- you just had someone on the phone or on the fax saying "What about the Sneaker-"

Ricky: Oh, voted for the Sneaker Pimps if they're from Birmingham, I don't know if there were or not.

Claire: Are they from- I don't know if Sneaker Pimps are from Birmingham, but I'm s-

Dave: I think they are.

Matt: Them's small potatoes compared to-

Claire: To the Sabbath.

Matt: Yeah, the Sabs.

Claire: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: What is this- what is this obsession with Sabbath, I always thought Sabbath were a bit of like a joke rock band like Iron Maiden or something-

All argue

Matt: Oohh!

Claire: I can't believe you said that!

Ricky: Led Zeppelin is like the mold of the first rock gods, the greatest british band of- what-

Dave: Who have Led Zeppelin gone on to influence? You know what they've influenced, that whole brand of poodle rockers with big hair, like extreme. That's what they've influenced.

Ricky: That's not their fault.

Dave: Whereas the Sabs, their influence has been heavy great rock bands like Nirvana and things like that, you know.

Claire: Sabbath are the best thing to come out of Birmingham, Ricky.

Matt: Without any shadow of a doubt.

Claire: It's as simple as that.

Ricky: Okay, right, okay, let's do it up to Thursday, I want proper votes on faxes right, who is the best, the most influential, the best... the best band, out of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. Simple as that.

Claire: You're playing with fire.

Ricky: Then we'll count out-

Matt: It's like comparing Bobby Davro to... Tommy Cooper.

Ricky: Ohh...

Claire: Ohh!

Matt: It's- honestly!

Ricky: I don't think so, I think-

Matt: I believe it is.

Ricky: I think it's like comparing uh, let's see, um...

Matt: Go on.

Ricky: Um... Europe,

Matt: (laughing) Right.

Ricky: Uh, with... Bernard Butler. Bernard Butler being Led Zeppelin.

Dave: What?

Claire: Eh?

Matt: No, that's a bit abstract.

Dave: But they're both completely crap!

Matt: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Oh whereas Bobby Davro's brilliant!

All laugh

Claire: Ricky, you- tomorrow we're gonna have a debate-

Ricky: It's like comparing... something I don't like very much with something I like a lot more.

Dave: (laughs)

Claire: Yeah, well that's fair enough.

Matt: Yeah but you like The Smiths so you're airing on the side of 'soft' aren't you, whereas Sabbath are hard.

Ricky: Yeah well I like hard stuff as well.

Dave: So you like Europe and hate Bernard Butler?

Ricky: No!

Matt: Is that what you said?

Claire: (laughs

Ricky: Other way round!

Matt: You hate Tommy Cooper but you love Bobby Davro! How's that work?

Ricky: No!

Matt: That's what you're saying!

Ricky: They're twisting it Claire! They're ge- please vote for me! I'm by myself in the studio, 01715802000-

Matt: Never vote for him!

Ricky: Led Zeppelin's better than Black Sabbath!

Matt: No way!

Most Influential British Band

Claire: ... lot better today by the way cos I've been ill all week with this cold.

Matt: Yeah the mucus fairy came in the night, did he?

Claire: (sniggering) Yeah he did actually. It was great. Anyway, yeah.

Matt: There was a fantastic thing from Bristol University, it was in The Times. "Forget hot toddies. The best remedy for a cold is a cup of coffee, according to psychologists at Bristol University."

Ricky: Yeah.

Matt: "The drink largely eliminated the effects of having a cold, they reported after experiments with 100 volunteers. Trials with vodka had failed to show any beneficial effects on mood or performance." Were these 'trials by vodka' by chance done around the christmas party period?

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Yeah. They gotta make it look good, "Oh and- and the control can be uh, coffee."

Matt: Yeah, there you are, exactly.

Ricky: "Vodka versus um, let me think... coffee!" Yeah. We'll do our own. Vodka versus whisky.

Matt: (laughing) There you are!

Ricky: That's what that gold blend couple was always- whenever they come to the door going *snort* with snot dribbling down. "I've just come for some-" "Ugh!" "Jesus love, wipe your nose you filthy... ugh! Jesus!" Cos it obviously uh... you know, um...

Matt: "You've been drinking vodka haven't you, not the coffee!"

Ricky: Yeah, "Oh no. Oh you pissed in your- got snot running down your mouth. Ugh no, I fancied a good sh- cup of-" Um...

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Sabbath is like Marilyn Manson,

Claire: Oh let it go.

Ricky: Led Zep is more Radiohead.

Matt: No way.

Ricky: Sabbath is like Reef and Led Zep is like the Foo Fighters.

Claire: No!

Matt: No.

Ricky: 01715802000, who's the more influential british band, Sabbath or Zep? Come on! It's obvious, the answer's Led Zeppelin.

Matt: I'll fax you something tomorrow.

Ricky: Okay.

Matt: But we'll... tomorrow all will be revealed.

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Claire: It's Black Sabbath, Ricky.

Ricky: "I seem to have run out of coffee- *snorts* come here. Come here and get some- oh sorry-"

Matt: "I've been drinking vodka all day!"

Ricky: (laughs)

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: 0171580-

Matt: "This cold's not getting any better..."

Ricky: 2000. "*snorts* Ughh..." It's sort of a Led Zeppelin versus Sabbath type quiz.

Claire: It is, isn't it?

Matt: Yeah, except it's not a quiz, is it?

Ricky: Yeah- No. Well it is really cos there is a right answer, there is obviously a right answer.

Matt: Ohh, no.

Ricky: Well no, no, truthfully speaking there must be a right answer,

Matt: The King of Corruption.

Ricky: Out of which has been you know, who has been more influential? We could trace it back of course we're not the people who'd do it.

Claire: From the Midlands.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, ye- well no, I'm forgetting the Midlands now.

Claire: Oh really we're forgetting the Midlands now?

Ricky: Just out of those two, doesn't matter where they came from,

Matt: It's a bonfire.

Ricky: Who is the most influential band on the world rock scene, Sabbath or Zeppelin?

Matt: Sabbath.

Ricky: Zeppelin.

Claire: Sabbath.

Ricky: Ah, Keenan's 2-to-1 at least it's 2-to-1, right I'll get rid of him now and we'll be evens and then it'll be on a vote.

Claire: 01715802000, we've got ten more minutes till Ian Camfield'll come on.

Ricky: Hold on, let's ask Camfield.

Claire: Camfield!

Ricky: Camfield!

Claire: Camfield!

Ricky: That is the- hold on.

Claire: Go and get him, he's in-

Matt: We're just gonna get him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Anyway matt, let's- bit of small talk here.

Matt: Yes.

Claire: So you've enjoyed yourself today, have you?

Matt: Yeah I have but,

Claire: Yeah... yeah.

Matt: He's wrong.

Claire: He is wrong,

Matt: He's so wrong.

Claire: Isn't he?

Matt: He's having an aberration- oh he's here.

Ricky: He hasn't been listening. Right, have you heard what we've just been doing?

Ian: I've... got no idea-

Ricky: Okay, Right-

Claire: Ian Camfield.

Ricky: Don't look-

Matt: Completely impartial.

Ricky: Seriously, you two look away, right,

Matt: Right.

Claire: Okay.

Ricky: I am gonna ask you, don't know what we think or who thinks- just answer the question, right,

Ian: Right.

Ricky: In your opinion,

Ian: Yeah?

Ricky: Who is the most influential band, right, on the world rock scene,

Ian: Right...

Ricky: Don't give him any clues-

Claire: No.

Matt: No.

Ricky: No don't, seriously,

Claire: We're not saying anything.

Ricky: Who in your opinion is the most influential band- the better band, for you, and who've influenced all people, out of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath?

Ian: ...In what scene, the rock scene?

Ricky: Yeah.

Ian: The overall rock scene...

Ricky: The most influential- in you know, rock and pop.

Dave: Just the best band!

Ricky: Yeah.

Ian: The best band? ...It's gotta be Led Zeppelin.

Ricky: YES!

Claire: Nooo!!

Matt: Nooo!!

Ricky: Yes!

Claire: No!

Ricky: I'm taking that, yes!

Dave: Nooo!!

Ricky: That's it, that's it!

Matt: You're scum!

Ricky: That is it!

Claire: Scum!

Matt: You're scum!

Ian: Because-

Ricky: What?

Ian: Because... Led Zeppelin were Led Zeppelin, when they weren't, they folded out. Black Sabbath, great albums with Ozzy Osbourne, twenty years after that I'm afraid they went crap. You didn't stipulate the Black- the Ozzy Osbourne period-

Ricky: You said if we ask Camfield that'll be definitive, you said it, you laid it on the line, we didn't give any clues, Camfield said Led Zeppelin, that's it, I'm happy with that, play a record.

Zeppelin Wins

Matt: Don't even talk to the listeners, Sturgess.

Ricky: Right, this is incredible.

Claire: Why?

Matt: Don't even talk to them.

Ricky: David Keenan-

Claire: What's happened?

Matt: They're cloth-eared!

Ricky: Took all these, right, Led Zeppelin got every vote except one. Every single person was for Led Zeppelin except one, and that wasn't to Black Sabbath, that was for Dave Keenan!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Out of those two he said "I'll vote Dave Keenan, give him his own show."

Matt: (laughs)

Ricky: Right, so Zeppelin got all the votes, Sabbath got none, Dave Keenan got more than Black Sabbath.

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Thank you! It's official.

Matt: For the discerning punter of course, Black Sabbath will always be there. But for people that just say, you know...

Ricky: For people who haven't got phones.

Matt: Bonnie Tyler.

Ricky: People who can't use the phone. "(in silly voice) I'd like to phone, I'd like to vote for Black Sabbath but I can't use the phone." No. 'Course people who can use modern technology, it's Led Zeppelin. Thank you.

Matt: Excuse me a minute, who did you say, Sturgess?

Claire: Oh well I was going for Sabbath.

Matt: Right, Sabbath, and did you do the Friday Rock Show on Radio 1?

Claire: Y- yeah...?

Ricky: Exactly!

Matt: I rest my case!

Claire: Well-

Matt: No-

Ricky: And so do I!

Matt: And so do I!

Ricky: And so do I! I think I do!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Well I think I laid my case before you, and I rested it there and it was lounging way before-

They Like Black Sabbath

Claire: That is practically it from us today. Ricky's stormed out of the studio, Keenan's stormed with him to answer the-

Ricky: (In the distance) Triumphant!

Claire: (laughs) You can come back in again Ricky, I was just- this is my goodbye link.

Ricky: Okay, go on.

Claire: Um... goodbye... for today.

Ricky: Oh that's fantastic.

Matt: Wooow.

Ricky: Genius.

Matt: All those years.

Ricky: And well done to Led Zeppelin for being voted-

Matt: Ugghhh....

Ricky: The greatest band, uh, most influential band out of them and Black Sabbath.

Claire: We, tomorrow Ricky, it's a shame Matt can't be with us but tomorrow we are gonna have... like a Gary Crowley battle of the bands,

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Type thing, I think,

Ricky: Why?

Claire: Like a bit of a demo clash.

Ricky: Why? Why dig your hole deeper?

Claire: Because I wanna take this a bit further.

Ricky: No. Well, Keenan's listening. Go on.

Matt: You have to.

Claire: I just wanna play-

Dave: More Zep!

Ricky: More Zep! See?

Matt: I know, I know!

Claire: Tomorrow,

Matt: You think they know.

Ricky: Thank you.

Claire: Tomorrow,

Ricky: Thank you for listening. Thank you for being discerning, intelligent people,

Dave: Poodle rockers!

Ricky: Keep the faxes coming to Ricky Gervais, and Claire and Matt and Dave, they like Black Sabbath!

Claire: It's been a pleasure Matt, having you on the show this afternoon.

Matt: Yes, can I say something before I go?

Claire: Well I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna play Mazzy Star into Ian Camfield Fade Into You and this is for Melinda,

Matt: Right.

Claire: Who wants to hear it, so that's what I'm gonna be playing but I just wanna say Matt, thank you, will you-

Matt: That's alright-

Claire: Come again-

Matt: Can I say something?

Claire: Next w- mmmm yeah.

Matt: Can I just say to Vanessa, food's not love.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Song:Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

Eucalyptus Robbery

Steve: Beautiful, it was a great track.

Ricky: Worth waiting a week for, wasn't it?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah it's good... "The fingerprints of a koala bear are so similar to that of a human being that if they were found at the scene of a crime, the police would not be able to tell the difference."

Steve: (laughs) Is that- well that is the fact that I remember.

Ricky: That is the fact.

Steve: And is it true?

Ricky: Well... well it depends what sort of crime it was really.

Steve: I mean where- you- but you got this from a reliable source?

Ricky: Of course, the internet.

Steve: So let me get this right. The fingerprints of a koala bear are so similar to those of a human being,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That if they were found at the scene of a crime, the police would think that a human had committed that crime?

Ricky: Yeah, or vice versa maybe.

Steve: What kind of a crime is that?

Ricky: The great koala bear eucalyptus robbery.

Steve: Right. Yeah. Mm...

Ricky: So they've come in, right, all the police have come in and detectives right, Quincy's- comes strolling in about half hour later and they go "It's alright Quince, we've solved this one, this is obviously a human being." And he goes "Oh is it? Oh, is it?" They go "Well pff... well yeah, 'course it is. There's a bloke here, he's been bludgeoned to death with a lead pipe in the conservatory, he's a big lad, he's probably a 6' bloke and he's hit him with the right hand by the window." Quincy goes, "Oh it's a 6' bloke, was it? Oh yeah." And they go, "...Yeah." right, he goes "Oh right, no it's just that pff... you know, you've ruled out the possibility of 5 koala bears standing on each other's shoulders have you?"

Steve: (laughs) In a long coat.

Ricky: Yeah with a trilby on.

Steve: Obviously.

Ricky: The bottom one's the fat one going "Oh-h- what you doin'?" And the top one's going "Right... Left!" And they snuck-

Steve: They've snuck past the security guard.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. And they've got-

Steve: He's just there, "Go on through sir."

Ricky: "Yeah, go on through yeah, it's the press, they've got press." And they've gone in there right, and they've gone up to this bloke, they've got his confidence, they've got a false moustache obviously.

Steve: Of course they have.

Ricky: With- like you're growing. And they go, "Alright mate? Oh, what's that over there?" *doof!* *doof!* the top one's gone *doof!* and the bottoms one's holding it all up. Then, they just scatter.

Steve: They just scatter, dump the coat,

Ricky: Leave- they just leave a coat, like an empty coat with a hat on it right, and Quincy- thing is I think Quincy knows cos he's already rounded them up and he's got a confession out of them.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And so he's just being really smug, and they're going "Oh yeah yeah, it's a bloke innit." "Yeah it's a human being, yeah?" "Well look Quincy, the fingerprints." "Yeah, let's have a look at these." And they go, "D'ohh! They're just... they're just like blokes!" He goes "Yeah." Right and he- but the thing is I think that there's a Mr. Big,

Steve: Do you?

Ricky: Yeah, he's up the tree getting stoned on eucalyptus going "Yeah..." he's getting all the... he's counting his cash.

Steve: He's up there hanging loose catching- counting his cash.

Ricky: He's fingerprinted, he's got an alibi, and these pawns,

Steve: They're not gonna pin anything on Mr. Big!

Ricky: They couldn't pin it on-

Steve: Cos he's used those koala pawns.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He's a devilish fiend!

Ricky: Yeah, and they've done all the work, the little fat one, he's got bad shoulders now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's got four on him. And the tall one's got the little head with the trilby, he was at the top cos he can wield like a lead pipe presumably, or the hat fitted him- The hat! You've got that letter?

Steve: Ah, yes no I have, no I- I'm gonna wait till later about this,

Ricky: Okay I'll-

Steve: There's a great letter, I'll wait till later.

Ricky: Well I'll play a song then.

Steve: Oh please do but oh, be careful if you're a police officer, if you're listening, if you're currently investigating a crime,

Ricky: Think!

Steve: You've got fingerprints, you think you've sewn it up, think again!

Ricky: Just think! Just- ugh... never-

Steve: Have you looked at the koala angle?

Ricky: Expect the unexpected.

Axial Face

Steve: One from this bag, Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah, so that's the first ba- you seem to care about what bag it is.

Steve: The bags are quite important.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: I take one from this bag,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And then I come up with a band name such as... let me see... "The Riffmasters."

Ricky: No. Just do that one, take it from any bag, 'ere y'are. Do it out of mine, take it from any one of my bags.

Steve: Either bag.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright um, "Axial" is the first word.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: This is gonna be a cool band.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Axial... Face".

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: "Axial Face".

Ricky: Good, innit?

Steve: You- you just- you... I come up with great ideas, I just you know, I come in here I present these ideas and you just ruin them, you just take the mick.

Ricky: Read that letter.

Steve: Oh can I just- by the way, before I do that, can I just mention that there is an email address um, what show is this? How many shows have we done now, four?

Ricky: Five or six.

Steve: Anyway there is an email address and I'm thinking that lots of our listeners, I'm almost certain will have access to internet email nonsense, I personally don't understand it but if you do, then you can write to Ricky, [email protected]

Ricky: Ah. There's a bit of a drawback with email.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: I don't read it.

Steve: D'you not know how to do it?

Ricky: No I just don't bother.

Steve: Get one of the lackeys.

Ricky: I empty my pigeonhole about once every two weeks.

Steve: [email protected]

Ricky: Letter's got more chance.

Steve: Well, possibly.

Ricky: I like getting letters.

Steve: Here's a letter, "Dear Ricky, (blah blah blah) responding, things I could do for you," here's the important bit,

Ricky: This is the important bit.

Steve: And this is by the way from Siobhan,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Siobhan in Willesden, "Things I could do for you," nice- this is a great idea.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Make you a hat."

Ricky: That's the one I want.

Steve: Gervais she can make you a hat, she is a professional hat maker,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is it a milliner, is that the name?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She's a professional hat maker, she can make you a hat Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: What kind of a hat?

Ricky: Uh...

Steve: What would you fancy? I see you in a fez.

Ricky: Hmm, no.

Steve: A little red fez.

Ricky: Oh I know what I want,

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: I want one- you know one of those top hats, those sort of velvety ones but squashed down one side like a concertina or maybe the top up, d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Like a down-and-out?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That'd be beautiful. Beret?

Ricky: Be- mmmm... never- no. Beret?

Steve: What kind of- what is that, what kind of hat is that?

Ricky: It's a frisbee.

Steve: Beret. It hasn't even got a-

Ricky: It's- when you- some bloke, he does Philosophy for a week or he's sort of doing French combined with Philosophy and he comes in to the student union with a beret on and a goatee and the first thing you do is take it off and throw it out the window.

Steve: Of course you do, of course!

Ricky: Cos you're with the cool people and he's going, "Oh that's really funny, isn't it, yeah. So mature. Yeah." And you go, "No, it's not mature, but it's funny."

Steve: "We're just having a laugh."

Ricky: Anyone you see wearing a beret in the student union or in a pub, just pop it off, frisbee it across the- I tell you, you will be the most popular bloke in that pub.

Steve: Using like- he's piggy in the middle, you're just throwing it,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Different people, it kind of bonds the pub, they leave the quiz machine, they come over, and they're joining in, you're just throwing- he's screaming "Please give me my beret back!"

Ricky: In fact, I reckon if you threw it, and it hit the hardest bloke in the pub's pint over, he'd look over, and they'd go "Who did that" and I'd go "I did but he was wearing it" they go "Fair enough mate" and he'd *punches palm* d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Oh yeah, he'd go straight to the guy that was wearing the beret,

Ricky: 'Course he would!

Steve: What kind of a hat- what kind of a hat is that, it's French, I mean there's the point, that's the answer.

Ricky: Oh loo- oh look I don't wanna get you on French people.

Steve: No I know but all I would say to you is it's got no brim. You see, that can't be healthy.

Ricky: What's- can we get Siobhan in to measure me up for a hat?

Steve: So Siobhan uh maybe if Siobhan's listening she could give us a call,

Ricky: Her mate makes clothes so I could have the whole suit done.

Steve: No, I was just gonna mention that, she's got a friend Catherine, she wants us to mention Catherine, um, blah blah blah, Catherine's just setting up a new business alright, so best of luck with that Catherine, and anyway she can make stuff for you as well,

Ricky: Top hat and tails!

Steve: Top hat and tails Gervais you would look fantastic!

Ricky: I would wouldn't I?

Steve: We would send you to the Ritz.

Ricky: Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Steve: Oh it'd be beautiful.

Ricky: And a cummerbund.

Steve: Ohh... what?

Ricky: (laughing) I don't- I dunno, is that a word?

Steve: I- mm... but ohh, that'd be great, you in a top hat and tails. Lovely. Lovely!

I Don't Know Why They Called

Ricky: What- why does it matter which bag it is then?

Steve: It's too complicated. Let's explain in a minute.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: You've got tickets to give away Gervais,

Ricky: I have.

Steve: We've almost forgotten about it.

Ricky: Yeah. Well I've got um, I gotta think of some questions as well.

Steve: Alright well let's just find out what are the prizes first.

Ricky: Right right we've got um, a pair of GusGus tickets at ULU for Friday 13th February.

Steve: Right. Can I look? Can you just hand me-

Ricky: Look at that yeah.

Steve: Can I just confirm that they're real.

Ricky: Yeah of course they're real.

Steve: I like that fella on the um, on the lottery, you know they always go to somebody- a member on the street or somebody in a panto somewhere to choose the numbers you know, and I'm just gonna be like that, just checking-

Ricky: Or they just check that that's a real fork, "Yeah, don't check too- don't- you've bent it."

Steve: Right, so-

Ricky: "You've bent it mate. You've bent the fork mate, now I can't do the trick." Go on.

Steve: So two tickets to see GusGus at the University of London Union, Malet Street, London, on Friday 13th alright, two tickets there, yes, bona fide Gervais, what else have you got?

Ricky: Cornershop.

Steve: Alright let me just check... yes.

Ricky: Already both nights sold out.

Steve: Two-

Ricky: That's sought after.

Steve: Two Cornershop tickets here, plus Les Rhythmes Digitales.

Ricky: This is like a real prize on our show isn't it?

Steve: It is, it's wonderful, that's on Wednesday 4th March, again at the University of London Union, alright, two tickets there for them.

Ricky: Two tickets to Catherine Wheel mate.

Steve: To see Catherine Wheel, again at ULU and Catherine Wheel plus special guests on Thursday the 26th of February, so we got the tickets there alright so we got six tickets in total.

Ricky: Right I've got a question, I got a question for the first one,

Steve: Okay, was that GusGus?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alight so-

Ricky: First one is GusGus,

Steve: The question?

Ricky: G- cool name there, "GusGus". Does it matter which bag they would have been in?

Steve: Right, okay.

Ricky: Yeah, and I'll take any answer.

Steve: What yes or no?

Ricky: Yeah, I'll take yes or no, I better remind 'em of the phone number, hold on.

Steve: Please do.

Ricky: Wait a minute... (plays jingle for the phone number) "0-1-7-1 5-8-0 2000! Call me!" (laughs) I forgot I'd done that one.

Steve: So yes, two tickets for GusGus, the question again please Gervais.

Ricky: Does it matter which bag they were in? And again, it- uh... it doesn't really matter, yes or no, I'll just take anything.

Steve: Alright, Catherine Wheel, you got a question for Catherine Wheel?

Ricky: Catherine Wheel, uh yeah, when I used to do it, when I was little and we used to have a Catherine Wheel, my dad would nail it to the shed, set it alight, well the nail was way too big and tight, d'you know what I mean? It moved a little bit, and then just... what we watched was this thing just burn out. It was more of sort of like a...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Catherine... blob.

Steve: (laughs) Catherine blob.

Ricky: Yeah and the question is... that's alright innit? It's not so much a question.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: The question is, that's alright, innit? And again I'll accept anything. Right, I better remind 'em of that number again, hold on.

Steve: Give 'em the number.

Ricky: Hold on.

Steve: We got Catherine Wheel tickets to give away,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: At the University of London Union.

Ricky: Yeah and the question is, not so much a question is, what was it?

Steve: Ca- Catherine blob-

Ricky: Catherine wheel- blob, uhm...

Steve: It's alright, innit?

Ricky: Is that alright? Yeah, or something like that. "0-1-7-1 5-8-0 2000! Call me, on it!"

Steve: Alright? So it's going well Gervais,

Ricky: So it's GusGus, "does it matter what bag it's in, the answer doesn't matter,

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Um Catherine Wheel, that's alright, innit? Right?

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: And Cornershop. Cornershop-

Steve: Alright now you've got- this is really- this is a gem of a prize.

Ricky: I know, already sold out.

Steve: We've got two tickets to see Cornershop, the gig is sold out, we've got Les Rhythmes Digitales, very cool band name there, they're gonna be supporting Cornershop, it's on Wednesday the 4th March, two tickets to give away, and the question Gervais is...?

Ricky: ...The corner shop in Coronation Street was owned by Councillor Roberts. What was his first name?

Steve: Alright, the number please Gervais.

Ricky: Hold on I haven't got- hold on wait a minute...

Steve: Quick, I'll just remind you of the other questions, uh- mm... I can't- mmm, I don't really know-

Ricky: GusGus, right, would it matter which bag they were in,

Steve: Right.

Ricky: I'll accept yes or no.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Uh Catherine Wheel, that's alright, innit? Again, anything. And Cornershop... (sniggering) Councillor Roberts.

Steve: What was his first name.

Ricky: What was his first name.

Steve: The number the call.

Ricky: "0-1-7-1 5-8-0 2000! Is the number to call..." Catherine Wheel.

Steve: ...Cornershop tickets for you.

Ricky: I told you-

Steve: I must say-

Ricky: I told you they'd understand!

Steve: I must say Gervais, that that was one of the most electrifying radio quizzes I've ever heard.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: D'you know what I mean? I think if we- we could option that for the telly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We could get a spinoff thing going. A board game as well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It would just be beautiful.

Ricky: I'm thinking ahead. I'm thinking ahead.

Steve: Yeah, that is just great Gervais. Oh man, we've just given away six tickets.

Ricky: Now your idea was a good one, um you know, all six to the-

Steve: Yeah my idea was to give away all six tickets to the first person to phone up and give us a damn good reason why they should have them.

Ricky: Yeah, that's a bit traditional though isn't it?

Steve: Yeah, yeah...

Ricky: It's sort of like you answer a question right and you win a prize.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I think this is better.

Steve: Yeah-

Ricky: But we can do yours if you want.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Okay, so I've got ten CDs,

Steve: Right..?

Ricky: To the person who thinks why they should have all six tickets.

Steve: You've confused me.

Ricky: Well. I'm gonna give ten CDs cos the tickets are gone,

Steve: Right,

Ricky: To the person with the best reason why they should have the t- six tickets.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: But they can't have the six tickets cos they've gone.

Steve: So they're gonna get ten CDs.

Ricky: Instead.

Steve: What's the number to call?

Ricky: Oh- aww, you've caught me out, hold on wait a minute... wait a minute...

Steve: Let me just rephrase that. Basically we've got ten CDs to give away,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If you can give us a good reason why you should have the tickets.

Ricky: Yeah, which you can't have.

Steve: Turps, turps.

Ricky: Old newspapers. A lot of my audience carry round bags full of like, old newspapers going back for a long time, I've no idea why. But everyone that ever speaks to me goes "Are you Ricky Gervais?" I go "Yeah" they go "I've got these." And they're all old- I mean tabloids, and I go "What are the papers for?" And they look at me as though I'm mad so I leave it.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: But I mean there must be a market there-

Steve: See it's not really the sort of ABC 1 category that I think a lot of advertisers are after is it?

Ricky: Is there an Epsilon Minor? ... category... for me..?

Steve: The thing-

Ricky: I like 'em. I like my aud- um, alright watch this, for example right Steve, this is the sort of quality, right. Okay uh, whoever phones up, for no reason at all, okay, um... sends me a CD.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right? Right? So call for absolutely no reason at all, right, and don't give your reason, to him out there, and send me a CD. Righ- I'm ju- I want the winner. Right? I'll take caller number... huhh... "0-1-7-1 5-8-0 2000! Is the number to call..."

Steve: "Tinfoil hats!"

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: "Are they trying to steal your mind? Buy tinfoil hats!" That's the kind of ad you're gonna have on this show Gervais.

Ricky: "Batteries, I've got loads of batteries. Don't use 'em, that one's- that-" "What have you got there?" "Loads of newspapers."

Steve: Gervais, the phone lines are buzzing.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: The phone lines are buzzing!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I can't understand it! It's the same when another station gives away a holiday to New York,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's the same reaction!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To... to whatever the hell it was you said, what was your competition?

Ricky: It was a good competition.

Steve: What was it?

Ricky: The competition was um, someone's gotta phone up for no reason at all, not give Nick the reason, and send me a CD and they're the winner.

Steve: (laughs) The phone line's are buzzing!

Ricky: Yeah, well it's a good competition.

Steve: How do you do this?

Ricky: It's a good competition.

Steve: I cannot compute.

Ricky: Oh, well. If you can't see that is a good prize to win, then there's something wrong with you.

Steve: Sorry I just can't understand it, I... I don't think it's my kind of humour.

Ricky: The competition is this, Steve-

Steve: I think you're ooh, a bit wacky. Don't really understand it.

Ricky: You're frightened, aren't you?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: You're frightened,

Steve: Little bit scared.

Ricky: And these people not only phone up but come into the studio.

Steve: I know, I know.

Ricky: You were scared last week, weren't you?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: He came in the week as well.

Steve: I- d'you know, I... I kinda like Barrymore, that sort of thing, I think he's really funny.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, Barrymore's-

Ricky: No. Uh...

Steve: Sort of Cilla Black.

Ricky: Steve, you're funny. But nowhere near as funny as me.

Steve: I... just with the calls and the competitions, it's ooh-

Ricky: The competition-

Steve: I think it just sort of goes over my head!

Ricky: Look the competition is this, oh and sorry to Mark Adams as well, Nick cut you off and he's a regular listener, the competition's this, someone phone's up for no reason at all,

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: Don't give the reason away, send me a CD, is the winner.

Both snigger

Steve: It's... it's the way you don't even use grammar.

Ricky: (laughs) There's no need!

Steve: You just use words.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Do you take the words that you say out of these bags,

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: And is that how you form your sentences, and your competition pr-

Ricky: I don't think of it as forming sentences, I think of it as when my head gets hot I have to cool it down, and speech is the best thing, it's sort of like... d'you know what I mean? I walk along the street and I (talks fast gibberish) and I have to talk, and it sort of cools it down.

Steve: I've got some people who've called,

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: John has called from North Harrow, Louise from Clacton, Claire from Hendon, Paul from Maida Vale... I don't know why they called!

Ricky: No reason?

Steve: I don't know who they are!

Ricky: No reason?

Steve: Going back to the competition that you set,

Ricky: Yeah. I like that one.

Steve: We've had a fella, Carl from Catford.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now he phoned up to try and offer us a suggestion as to how we can receive money for free by begging for it without breaking the law.

Ricky: Oh he's the winner then.

Steve: And- is he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well... right. Mm.

Ricky: So uh-

Steve: The fella on the phones, the fella who's manning the phones, he managed to get a CD out of him, persuaded him to send us a CD.

Ricky: Yeah, he's the bigger winner anyway, even if he hadn't sent a CD.

Steve: Yeah. J- (clears throat) I don't-

Ricky: I'm just tryna pick a song here, I haven't worked out my next song.

Steve: I- I- Gervais-

Ricky: Oh, I haven't heard that for a while!

Steve: Gervais?

Ricky: What?

Steve: I don't want to work here anymore.

Nick laughing in the distance

Ricky: There'll be-

Steve: Is that alright, d'you mind if I

Ricky: No no, there'll be plenty... people wanting to fill your shoes. And think of all the old newspapers I'll get out of it. Wait a minute...

Two Idiots Talking Nonsense on the Radio

Steve: Um, was on the tube earlier, Gervais, now I know that you walk into work,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I do have to take the tube. And there's a guy on there, there's a kid on there sat opposite me, 10, 11 maybe, alright? Um, and he looks quite normal,

Ricky: 12 at the most.

Steve: He's an ordinary looking kid you know, just got the street clothes on or whatever, looks perfectly normal, he's not the kind of kid that's gonna get bullied at school you know, just normal looking kid, except Gervais, he was wearing a deerstalker hat.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Now... what's happening there?

Ricky: Oh, I love that.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, when he goes to school on Monday morning, if he's wearing the hat, they're just gonna kick the hell out of him!

Ricky: Well-

Ricky: We'll pass that on to Howard, we'll keep that and as I said, anyone who wants to get hold of Howard, do it via us, he doesn't wanna give out his address obviously um, might attract... mad people.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now I read in the paper years ago, there was this guy right, and he was from Sheffield and um, he was at the birth of Christ, he lived before as a cow.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Okay, right,

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: But, that's not all. Another bloke who also lived in Sheffield saw this article, said "I don't believe it, so was I!"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right? So what's the chances of that, they go "Yeah I was a cow as well." And they started- they started this cult called "Cattle for Christ". Just two of 'em. But I just imagine people going up and saying "Oh I was a donkey." "Did you see it?" "No I was like- there was like a beam in the way, I couldn't see." "Nor could I, no I was- well I was being milked. Couldn't see a thing. Where were you?" "I was a chicken." "So you saw everything?" "No, I was- ugh I was out, wasn't I? I was so close."

Steve: "Poultry for the Prodigal son."

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Would have been beautiful. Yeah no, well I'm sure there are all kinds of societies like this and perhaps if you're a member of one then we'd like to find out all about you.

Ricky: "Two Idiots Talking Nonsense On the Radio".

Steve: It's a cult.

Ricky: 'Course it is. Well I am.

Ricky: Well, we're gonna recreate it, the whole... the tension, the smells, the sights, the sounds, the excite-

Matt: The hotdogs.

Ricky: The hotdogs, most definitely the... the hotdogs.

Claire: The challenge has been set.

Matt: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah um, Matt didn't know this but I'm a bit of a Subbuteo buff myself, he comes in here all hard with his sheepskin on,

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: With his little team under his hand and his rolled up- I go "I play Subbuteo." He went "You s-" I said "I do, yeah." So uh, well the gauntlet was laid down.

Matt: It was yeah, we've got uh, Chile against England but I- I unfortunately haven't got (sighs) I haven't got Chile so I brought in Morocco instead-

Claire: (laughs)

Matt: No not Morocco, what they called - Colombia.

Ricky: Colombia.

Matt: Colombia yeah, so if any of the defenders mess up I can always shoot one of them.

Claire: Yeah, yeah, of course.

Ricky: And that's gonna be live, it's 10 minutes each way at 20 to 3 in the XFM lounge,

Claire: We are actually doing a proper football match, Subbuteo football match on XFM this afternoon, kickoff at 20 to 3 so it's 10 minutes each way,

Matt: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: And we'll be dipping in occasionally to see how it's going.

Ricky: Little boy Fraser's gonna be the referee,

Claire: Marvelous.

Ricky: Cos he's the only one that can fit on the pitch and run round.

Claire: Of course.

Ricky: Without disturbing any of the players.

Claire: It's a work of genius.

Ricky: And I've picked my team.

Claire: Have you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Already?

Ricky: Yeah, England I'm having.

Claire and Matt laugh

Ricky: No I've got- there's- there you are, look at him, look at hi-, look at his face, Gascoigne here, he's so pleased, look at him there he's only an inch high, look at him I've got Gascoigne there, Incey, Batty... um, Seaman there, dunno how that got there, it's all over Nigel Martin who's in goal,

Claire and Matt laugh

Ricky: But I'm gonna put him straight there, but- not mine, Matt brought it in you filthy-

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Anyway, we're gonna-

Matt: Apparently for goalkeeper's choice though, most women prefer Flowers to Seaman.

Ricky: Really?

Claire: Ohh, Matt!

Matt: What?

Ricky: Well so uh, we're gonna- I'm gonna go check out the pitch, warm up, and Matt's-

Claire: Where are we doing it, in the XFM lounge?

Ricky: Matt's gonna have a pint.

Claire and Matt laugh

Ricky: Yeah, and live linked and everything, it's gonna be amazing, Claire.

Claire: It's- this is radi- this is what radio is meant to be like.

Ricky: Yeah, two grown men playing Subbuteo and doing semen puns, that is exactly what radio is meant to me.

Matt: That is what- yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: (laughs)

Claire: Okay let's cross over live now to the living room just down the corner, let's uh... round the corner, down the corridor, you know what I'm tryna say, the crowds are there, Ricky and Matt are there, are we ready?

Ricky: We're ready-

Claire: For kickoff, let's do it.

Ricky: I've won the kickoff Claire, and I'm starting off- Oh there's some of the crowd- it's off, and we're away- it goes-

Matt: The beautiful thing is booted down the pitch-

Ricky: Oh it's a foul!

Matt: It's a foul, it's a terrible foul. Headbutt.

Ricky: It's a dirty, dirty foul, England- ah the crowd don't like that much, and uh he's run up there, there he is,

Matt: He's flicked a plastic man,

Ricky: Barry Spineker there and little Tommy Tomkinson heavy on the-

Matt: Jimmy Twizzler!

Ricky: Oh there he is, oh but they've given it away,

Matt: Straight away.

Ricky: It's numbered- it's the number 11 there and he's runnin- oh the goal-

Matt: Ohh!

Ricky: It's a goal kick.

Matt: Goal kick!

Ricky: It's a goal kick. There's little boy Fraser there, on his horn.

Fraser blows his horn

Matt: Half time!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: ...Half time?

Matt: Half time!

Claire: No we'll be back in a minute.

Ricky: That's ridiculous.

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: That is stupid.

Matt: We can have a penalty shootout though.

Ricky: I nearly sprained myself then, I had to stop in mid-swing. That's happened before though.

Claire: (laughs) We will be back at the XFM living room.

Ricky: Mum I don't want any tea, I'm busy.

Matt: You're very good with your fingers though.

Claire: (laughing) Part two right after this!

Claire: The score, England vs. Chile, it's 0-0... it's time to go back to the XFM living room... for the second half of the match this afternoon, let's see how it's looking.

Ricky: Well Claire is on- England are down to 10 men, I had to pull one of my players off at half time.

Matt: That's very kind of you, my boys only get oranges.

Ricky: I used to do that to mine but they wouldn't put the tights on and have the bag over their head but here we go, here we go... and it's o- oohh, look at that lovely ball there, a Hoddle type ball into nowhere in particular. Oh, it's Chile again they've turned round, they're in the- oh they're in- look they've found his own player there,

Matt: Missed it!

Ricky: Missed it completely. England moved up there and it's a dirty foul, it's a dirty foul-

Matt: Take it!

Ricky: Quite a dangerous area. He's moving to- he's not... oh not one but two-

Matt: Oh here we go... I've never been in such close proximity to you Ricky.

Ricky: England in possession again- oh look at this move here,

Matt: Is that your aftershave or-

Ricky: Oh they're keeping it, they're playing with the ball now,

Matt: Ohh.

Ricky: Oh! It's a foul, it's a foul, there- he's gonna take it quickly, it's there, ohh it's a bit dangerous, England in... 15 yar- ohhh! So close.

Matt: Still England's!

Ricky: Still England's there, it's in a dangerous position.

Claire: And that's-

Ricky: It's 0-0.

Claire: That is the end of the match then so I guess what, extra time? Penalty shootout.

Matt: Penalty shootout, Beckham's.

Claire: Right after this.

Claire: So as we recreate the England-Chile match tonight, this afternoon in fact we're here live on XFM down there in the living room we have Ricky and Matt, Ricky representing England on the Subbuteo table, Matt is doing the business for Chile although he hasn't got any Chile team members, he's using the Colombia ones but don't you worry about that, we cross over live now back to the XFM living room.

Song: Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Ricky: Hello?

Claire: Oh, here we are, eh?

Ricky: Can you hear me Claire?

Matt: Tannoy's on.

Ricky: The tannoy's- um well, England are gonna take the first penalty, it's just best of three, and his goalkeeper keeps jumping up and kicking it with his back-

Matt: The scorpion kick!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Yeah! It's ridiculous. I'd just like to say as well, I feel slightly stupid because we could be in the studio pretending to play this, but we are two grown men-

Claire: No, you really are!

Ricky: Sprawled out, my knees are killing me, we've got the whole thing out, it took us about an hour to tape it down.

Matt: I'm in trouble with me mum cos I'm missing me tea!

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. Right, here we go.

Claire: Okay let's just very quickly, so the score is 0-0, this is a penalty shootout, off you go.

Ricky: I'm gonna- yeah, okay...

Ricky shoots and scores.

Ricky: YES!!!

Claire: Heyy!!

Matt: England 1-0 up.

Ricky: 1-0.

Claire: England 1-0.

Matt shoots and Ricky saves

Matt: He saved it! He saved it!

Ricky: Ohh Gervais...

Matt: Amazing scenes here!

Ricky: Oh I can't believe it, okay.

Claire: Was that a save?

Ricky: Yes of course it was!

Matt: It was a beautiful save.

Claire: England in the lead.

Ricky shoots and scores

Ricky: OH YES!!

Claire: Ohh!

Ricky: It's 2-0! It's 2-0!

Matt: Chile have to score this to stay in.

Matt shoots and Ricky saves

Matt: Ohh-

Ricky: HE SAVED IT!

Matt: He's saved it again!

Claire: Ohh!

Ricky: I can't believe it!

Matt: It's going off!

Ricky: They can't- they can't win-

Ricky shoots and scores

Ricky: YES!!

Claire: England!

Ricky: England won!

Claire: England win!

Matt: Obviously I'm very disappointed.

Ricky: Ohh.

Claire: Boys, well done.

Ricky: Just like to say thanks to everyone who had faith in me, I- I knew I could do it, there was a lot of criticism, but we've DONE IT!! WE'VE DONE IT!!

Matt: (laughing)

Claire: And as we say goodbye to the XFM living room, there's Chumbawamba with Tubthumping playing over the tannoy. Ahh, the boys will be back in the studio for a bit of post-match analysis.

Claire: Joined by Ricky Gervais and Matt Ambown, team captains, Ricky Gervais: England, Matt Ambown: Chile although it was Colombia but it- it's only because-

Matt: Exactly. It is South American, innit.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: The really embarrassing thing is not only that we actually went through with it,

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: But that we didn't care whether it was on the radio or not, we were having a brilliant time!

Matt: (laughing) Yeah!

Ricky: My heart, I just wanted to win so badly Claire, I just wanted to win so badly. Oh god, and I put that goal past him, he ju- oh god, it was just amazing.

Claire: Yeah, you looked like a happy man and the boy Fraser did well.

Ricky: He was lovin' it.

Claire: The little boy Fraser.

Ricky: He was jumping up and down.

Matt: He ruled it with a rod of iron.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Claire: He did, didn't he?

Ricky: I know, yeah. We- well we'll leave it there.

Matt: Yeah.

Claire: D'you know what we haven't had time to do this afternoon Matt?

Matt: What's that?

Claire: All those autographs you got from the awards.

Matt: Ah, Schiffer, Modine...

Claire: All of them.

Matt: Krankie.

Claire: You got- we got all those autographs and we were gonna give them away today, now what d'you reckon, shall we do it next week?

Matt: No, I'm gonna keep them.

Claire: Okay fine, yeah.

Matt: To hell with the listeners.

Claire: Yeah.

Matt: No alright, we'll come up with a competition next week.

Claire: We'll do it next week, I mean seriously Ricky we have got all these autographs.

Ricky: I know- that is a lovely prize quite seriously- you didn't really get Krankie did you?

Matt: I didn't get Krankie, no.

Ricky: Lot of photographs.

Matt: She's off with Pollard.

Ricky: Really?

Matt: Drinking gin, yeah.

Ricky: Ohh, that's got to be libellous.

Claire: Aw, it was a lovely-

Matt: "Allegedly".

Ricky: At least he said "off drinking gin"

Matt: "Allegedly"

Claire: (laughs)

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: But once again thank you for the effort you put in this afternoon for that match.

Ricky: Oh it was my pleasure.

Claire: And the fact that- you know it's not sad, the fact that you did actually play Subbuteo.

Ricky: Oh it was amazing.

Matt: I let you win.

Ricky: Did you see the second goal though?

Claire: I did see the second goal.

Matt: I let you win.

Claire: And also Ricky-

Ricky: Ohh no, rubbish!

Matt: No, I did. I dived-

Ricky: Oh rubbish!

Matt: I did, I've accepted the prize,

Ricky: That is rubbish!

Matt: No, it's true.

Ricky: That is rubbish-

Matt: No, I wanted England to win, so- that's it, it's been-

Ricky: That is pathetic.

Matt: No-