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==Track Listing==
==Track Listing==


====1. "I Don't"====
====1. Your Head Looks a Bit Egg-ish ''(0:00:00)''====
''Heat'' magazine have been criticising "producer" Karl, for his "little round bald Manc head". Ricky notices that Karl's head looks extra shiny, like a plate with ears. Mr.Spoon from Button Moon comes to Steve's mind, while Gervais compares Karl to a half human half monkey, especially his hands. Karl says that he is attending a wedding later on.  Karl then complains that "Baldy Boyd", the editor of Heat doesn't mention his bald head.  Karl says that weddings are boring and he doesn't want to get married; he doesn't see the point.  Karl says he's happy but Ricky and Steve are incredulous. Forthcoming, Ricky has an anecdote about the most ridiculous thing Karl has ever said. 


Heat magazine have been criticising "producer" Karl, for his "little round bald Manc head". On the subject of heads, a recurring theme in the show, Ricky notices that Karl's head looks extra shiny, "like a plate with ears". Mr.Spoon from Button Moon comes to Steve's mind, while Gervais compares Karl to a half human half monkey, especially his hands. Karl says that he is atending a wedding later on, hence the polished head, the "eggish" head according to Suzanne. The Manc then complains that "Baldy Boyd", the editor of Heat doesn't mention his bald head. Enraged, Karl says that wedding's are boring and he doesn't want to get married to Suzanne, he doesn't see the point; "I'm happy," he says. Gervais and Merchant disagree; "You're grumpy" Ricky says. "I'm alright," Karl replies, as always. Gervais teases us with a forthcoming anecdote, where Karl says the most stupid thing he has ever said.
====2. Talking (Yoghurt) Heads ''(0:04:14)''====
Ricky says that the Only Ones song just played has one of his favourite intros ever, and Steve snores.  [[Dr Fox]] thinks it's ''Money for Nothing''.  [[Jane]] gave Ricky a golfing weekend as a gift, and Ricky took Karl.  Steve thinks Jane just wanted some time off from Rick.  On hole one Ricky did a good drive whereas Karl messed it up incredibly, leaving Ricky rolling about on the floor. To add to Karl's unrest, Ricky did a handbrake turn in the golf buggy, near a lake. Ricky carded 107 and Karl scored 119, after 5 hours on the course. Karl fell asleep in the bath as there was no light bulb and had to go to dinner with wet clothes, because Ricky was impatient. The two have dinner in front of the fire with cigars.  Steve asks if it was 1955.  Karl got taught about evolution, and inscrutably ponders giraffes.  He teaches Ricky something of his own: "In the future, 'they' reckon that you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt that you can have a chat with". Ricky retired to bed, exasperated.


====2. Talking (Yoghurt) Heads====
====3. Bacteria - Fish - Mermaid - Man ''(0:11:34)''====
Karl thinks evolution has got it wrong. We'd have been better off staying as a fish.  Steve's thinking of dozing off.  Karl is confused about where humans came from.  Ricky partially agrees that human beings have interfered with evolution, but not with the yoghurt. Karl explains the chatty yoghurt; he read about it in ''[[The Daily Telegraph]]''.  There are already bacteria-friendly yoghurts, this is just a really friendly one.


Ricky says that the Only Ones song just played has the best intro ever, while Doctor Fox prefers Moeny For Nothing by Dire Straits, says it all really... Ricky describes his golfing weekend, he took Karl not his girlfriend Jane. Steve rightly questions the gayness of the trip, but Ricky says it wasn't. On hole one Ricky did a good drive whereas Karl messed it up incredibly, leaving Ricky rolling about on the floor. To add to Pilkington's unrest, the actor who played David Brent did a handbrake turn in the golf buggy, near a lake. Karl understandably screamed. Ricky carded 107, Karl scored 117, after 5 hours on the course. Karl then fell asleep in the bath as there was no lightbulb and had to go to dinner wet, while Ricky had a jog. The two have dinner, in front of the fire with cigars. "Is it 1955?" Steve asks. Karl got taught about Evolution, and argued "Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?" then taught Ricky something of his own; "They reckon in the future you'll be able to wake up and have a yoghurt that you can have a chat with." Ricky retired to bed, exasperated.
====4. Smuggling Seaweed ''(0:15:45)''====
Ricky praises [[U2]], then tells Karl off for Steve's mic being quiet to the listeners. Karl tells of his holiday to Sardinia which has nice food and beaches. Karl encountered a German nudist woman with her husband and explains why he thinks she was German. Ricky nearly dies of laughter. Karl thinks her husband was embarrassed and is annoyed that she wore boots. He wonders what would have happened if on his and Suzanne's first holiday he found out she was a nudist. Steve suggests a nudist spokesperson phone up and put Karl right. Karl gets agitated by remembering a report he read which featured a nudist playing bowls.  Don't play a sport where you gotta bend over.


====3. A Little Mermaid====
====5. Adam and Eve or Karl and Suzanne? ''(0:22:57)''====
A listener emails in to spread word of the nude bike ride that day in Hyde Park.  Steve questions the legality, while Karl ponders the motive.  Ricky requests a fat German nudist called Helmut phone in.  The phone rings but Karl doesn't answer. Instead he mentions an Australian vicar who conducts his services in the nude, including weddings, which would be cheaper.  Ricky says it might be a tribute to Adam and Eve, who Karl find interesting. He wonders what would have happened if they didn't get on.  Ricky feels the same way about pandas then compares it to Celebrity Love Island.  Steve wonders if Adam had any say in Eve's hair colour and breast size.  Karl wonders what Adam and Eve's surname was. Ricky says that Karl doesn't like music; Karl says he only like songs with stories, like ''Babooshka'' by Kate Bush.


Evolution has got it wrong, according to the Manc; "We'd have been better off staying as a fish, there's more sea than land." A sensible point, which he then undoes by saying the evolution went "Bacteria-fish-mermaid-man.". Ricky then partially agrees that human beings have interfered with Evolution, but not with the yoghurt. Karl explains the chatty yoghurt, he read about it in the Telegraph. He tells the two co-writers that "They have them yoghurts that are friendly bacteria... this is just a really friendly one."
====6. Manc in Disguise ''(0:29:32)''====
   
Ricky intros Magic, since they just played a Kate Bush song. ''Babooshka'' discussion. Karl thinks the bloke would recognise that it was his wife. He wonders what would happen if he tried to do the same with Suzanne, and would never pick the name Babooshka. Ricky now wants Kate Bush to phone up, but she may be busy with hippie activities.   
====4. Naked Lust====


Ricky praises U2, then tells Karl off for Steve's voice being quiet to the listeners. Raconteur Pilkington tells of his holiday to Sardinia. "It's allright, nice food nice beaches," he says, a modern day Alan Bennet. But then he encountered a nudist... a German couple. Ricky wonders how Karl knew the lady was German, maybe under-arm hair? "Forget the under-arm hair," comes Pilkingtons riposte, "it looked like she was smuggling seaweed!" Gervais nearly dies of laughter. "She might as well had kept her trunks on, mental," Karl carries on, "her husband's embarrassed, he knows it's odd." The Mancunian is annoyed that the 40-something woman arrived on a bike, with boots but no other apparrel. Still, Karl had a good look but his day had been ruined by the seaweed smuggler. He then wonders what would have happened if on his and Suzanne's first holiday he found out she was a nudist; "I'd be annoyed but there'd be nothin' I could do." Steve suggests that a nudist spokesperson phones up and puts Karl right. Karl then gets agitated by remembering a report he read which featured a nudist playing bowls; "Don't play a sport where you've gotta bend over," he instructs.
====7. Lie-in No Rich Tea ''(0:32:15)''====
A listener has send in their own [[Rockbusters|Rockbuster]], which Steve delivers. Karl gets it straight away. Karl gives this week's clues, and Steve reads the prizes which of course include [[Ladder 49]].


====5. Adam and Eve or Karl and Suzanne?====
====8. Charity Cons ''(0:36:49)''====
Steve confirms the World Naked Bike Ride, against oil dependency. Karl asks if they have to wear a helmet, and thinks it's sensible to pop some pants on.  Ricky briefly discusses Bob Geldof's G8 campaign.  Karl respects Sir Bob as he used to work at [[Xfm]], but thinks he's wasting his time.  Karl remembers when he spent all his money down the arcade as a kid, got some more money from [[Karl's Mam|his mam]] and did the same again.  Ricky would love to see Karl in the G8.  Steve asks Karl what he'd do if he was in charge of the world, but Karl says he does enough by buying tools for Africa but got conned by a charity for pensioners.  He gives £5 a month to help an old lady with heating.  The second letter he got showed a picture of her with a tan.  Karl wraps up the Africa debate by saying "It would have been better to have the gig in Africa, get people out there, cheap flights, hot dog stands, locals will love that, job done." Ricky then asks Geldof to phone in.


A listener emails in to spread word of the nude bike ride that took place in London that day. Steve questions the legality, while Karl ponders the motive. Gervais shows a touch of stereotyping when he requests a fat German nudist called Helmut to phone in. The phone rings but Karl doesn't answer. Instead he mentions an Australian vicar who conducts his services in the nude, including weddings. "Cheaper innit?" the miserly lanky one approves. Ricky says it might be a tribute to Adam and Eve, who Karl, an agnostic, find interesting. "What would've happened if they didn't get on?" he wonders. Ricky feels the same way about pandas then compares it to Celebrity Love Island. Steve then challenges the Christian Church by wondering if Adam had any say in Eve's breast size. Karl find it more pertinent to ask what Adam and Eve's surname was. Ricky says that Karl doesn't like music, Karl says he only like songs with stories, like Babooshka by Kate Moss.
====9. Waiting... Still Waiting ''(0:45:49)''====
[[Jonathan Ross]] took Ricky to the best restaurant in the world, The Fat Duck In Bray, but Ricky is a fussy eater. He was apprehensive when he saw that one of the dishes was snail porridge but they made his with mushrooms.  Steve says that Ricky is like a child from ''Jamie's School Dinners'' who just wants Turkey Twizzlers. Steve refuses to eat with Ricky; award ceremonies are a nightmare.  Steve blames the Gervais family, and says that even if Ricky was live in Jesus' times he would have turned down the food at the feeding of the 5 thousand. Steve rants about Ricky's eating but Ricky retorts that they can only choose from 3 restaurants at lunch because Steve won't spend more than a fiver. Steve compares Rick to a giant anaconda that sleeps while trying to digest a sheep it ate. Karl brings up the 50p incident, in which where Steve got furious where Karl didn't want to pay Steve back, even though he'd given Steve a keg of lager. Steve sometimes saves money waiting for the off-peak Zones 1 and 2 tube ticket, but Ricky wouldn't wait more than 30 seconds. Madness.  Karl says it depends on what job you do.


====6. Manc in Disguise====
====10. Sausages in the Toaster ''(0:53:22)''====
Steve recounts how Michelle McManus apparently used to eat 12 packets of Doritos a night.  Britain's fattest family shed 23 stone.  The fattest one, the 13 year old who weighed 27 stone and broke 5 bikes. Steve wonders if he's on the World Naked Bike Ride now that he has lost weight.  Ricky reads out an email that was sent by Suzanne to Karl, that Karl returned to the wrong address.  Ricky reads out her instructions to Karl about his tea.  It was too much messing about anyway so he skipped a couple steps.  He once put cooking oil on his food, and tried an alternative method for cooking sausages.  Some people in Care in the Community need less help. 


The three Musketeers discuss Babooshka, about a man who has an affair with a mystery woman, who turns out to be his wife. Karl thinks it would never happen, the bloke would recognise that it was his wife. He wonders what would happen if he tried to do the same with Suzanne; "I wouldn't pick Babooshka, it's a stupid name." Gervais now wants Kate Bush to phone up, it rings but again Karl doesn't answer.
====11. Yolk? Oh...Oh No ''(0:59:36)''====
Rockbusters answers including a classic one.


====7. He Can Nearly Outwit Himself====
====12. It's the Chef ''(1:02:29)''====
 
The Sugar song is "A Ricky and Steve Classic". Time for [[Monkey News]]. A couple is having a lovely meal in a restaurant in L.A. They are forbidden from complimenting the chef so they leave. However, they pass the open kitchen door to see a monkey stood on a chair, cooking veg. Steve says the monkey probably doesn't need instructions from his girlfriend, and Karl gives up and plays the ads.
Time for the quiz nobody looks forward to, Rockbusters, but with a twist. Before Chairman Karl delivers his address, he must guess a clue from a listener; "It's Sunday morning, I'm in bed, but I haven't got anything to dunk in me tea, what's goin' on there?" Karl gets it instantly; "Lionel Richie, lying-in, no rich tea." Time for the real clues:
 
1. "There's a vehicle that sells kebabs." - D
 
2. "You're asked if you want that bit of the egg, you think about it but decide against it." - YO
 
3. "I don't think this burger would catch on." - M
 
One of the prizes is Ladder 49.
 
====8. Charity Cons====
Steve confirms the World Naked Bike Ride, against oil dependancy. Karl asks if they have to wear a helemt, claiming that "it's sensible to just pop some pants on." Ricky briefly discusses Bob Geldof's G8 campaign, Karl respects him as he used to work at XFM, but thinks he's wasting his time and uses an analogy where he spent all his money down the arcade as a kid, got some more money and did the same again. He thinks that the Africans are doing something similar, metaphorically of course, not literally as Ricky chides. Rikcy says he'd love to see Karl in the G8, in a room with Blair, Bush and Chirac. Steve asks Karl what he'd do if he was in charge of the world, but Karl says he does enough by buying tools for Africa but got conned by a charity for pensioners; he was asked to help a cold old lady, thinking that he was paying for her heating bill. But when he got a letter back, the lady had a tan. As it transpired, she had been on holiday with the money, and that's what it meant when it said to keep her warm. Karl wraps up the Africa debate by saying "It would have been better to have the gig in Africa, get people out there, cheap flights, hot dog stands, locals will love that, jobe done." Ricky then asks the Boomtown Rats singer to phone in.
 
====9. Waiting.... Still Waiting====
 
Tv fop Jonathan Ross took Ricky to the best restaurant in the world, the Fat Duck In Bray but Ricky is a fussy eater. He was apprehensive when he saw that one of the dishes was "Snail Porridge" but it all turned out alright... what a story eh? Steve says that Ricky is like a child from Jamie's School Dinners who just wants turkey twizzlers. Steve refuses to eat with Ricky, award ceremonies are a nightmare. Gervais looks at his girlfriend thinking "ooh mum why have you brought me here." Steve blames the Gervais family, and says that even if the actor-writer-comedian was in Jesus time then he would have turned down the son of Christ at the feeding of the 5 thousand. Ricky says it's Steve's fault as he is tight with money at lunchtime. Karl brings up the 50p incident, where Steve got furious where Karl didn't want to pay it back, especially after giving the goggle-eyed freak a keg of lager. Steve says that he will always save money, he would wait ten minutes to save a few quid, Ricky wouldn't. Karl says it depends what the job he does is; if he was a doctor he couldn't wait around.
 
====10. Toasted Frankfurters====
 
"I used to eat 12 packets of Doritos a night," says Pop Idol winner Michelle McManus. Steve thinks it's ludicrous and brings up the story of Britain's fattest family, and how the fattest one, the 13 year old who weighed 27 stone broke 5 bikes when he was Britain's Fattest Toddler, aged 4, 10 stone. Steve wonders if he's on the World Naked Bike Ride now that he has lost weight. On the subject of food, Ricky reads out an email that was sent by Suzanne to Karl, that Karl returned to the wrong address. Ricky got hold of it, it was a recipe for quiche, with precise instructions like "place on plate, eat." and "(the bottle behind the cafe tiere)". Karl still couldn't follow that, and confesses that he once put cooking oil on his food, and that Suzanne came home to find Karl plunging sausages in the toaster. Suzanne, effectively Karl's carer, stopped him in the nick of time. Steve says that Karl's mental state is less than that of a Care in the Community person.
 
====11. Answers====
 
Rockbuster's answers:
 
1. D- Donnavan (donner van)
 
2. YO - Yoko Ono (yoke? ohhhh.... oh no)
 
3. M - McFly ("like a mac burger. Who'd want that? Put it back, I'll have chicken.")
 
The mentalist who got them right was Ian Shilling, who wins Ladder 49, lucky sod.
 
====12. Gordon Chimpanzee====
 
Oooh Cimpanzee that, he's gone and found another story the f.... A couple is having a lovely meal in a restaurant in LA. They are forbidden from complimenting the chef so they leave. However, they pass the open kitchen door to see "a monkey stood on a chair, chopping veg". "A monkey," Steve says "that probably doesn't need instructions from his girlfriend." "Ah, forget it," Karl cuts to ads to singal the end fo the show.


==Quotes==
==Quotes==
'''Karl''': Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?<br>
<br>
'''Karl''': A German woman...<br>
'''Ricky''': How could you tell she was German? Under-arm hair?<br>
'''Karl''': Well, forget the under-arm hair...It looked like she was smuggling seaweed.<br>
<br>
'''Steve''': I actually got to the point now where I refuse to eat out with Ricky.  It sucks the life out of me.  I can't enjoy the experience.  You whinge, you complain, you look at Jane like a little boy, like "Oh Mum, why've you brought me here?" <br>
<br>
'''Karl''': Monkey stood on a chair.. cookin' veg<br>


KP: "A German woman..."
==Rockbusters==
 
There's a vehicle that sells kebabs. <span title="Donovan" style="color: red" id=title>D.</span><br>
RG: "How could you tell she was German? Under-arm hair?"
You're asked if you want that bit of the egg, you think about it, but decide against it. <span title="Yoko Ono" style="color: red" id=title>Y.O.</span><br>
 
I don't think this burger will catch on. <span title="McFly" style="color: red" id=title>M.</span><br>
KP: "Well, forget the under-arm hair..."
 
RG: *laughter*
 
KP: "It looked like she was smuggling seaweed."
 
RG: *wheezes and dissloves into a fit of laughter*


==Playlist==
==Playlist==
The Bravery - ''An Honest Mistake'' <br>
The Only Ones - ''Another Girl, Another Planet''<br>
The Verve - ''Sonnet''<br>
[[U2]] - ''City of Blinding Lights''<br>
Neil Young - ''Pardon My Heart''<br>
Kate Bush - ''Babooshka''<br>
Athlete - ''Half Light''<br>
Lloyd Cole - ''Impossible Girl''<br>
The Killers - ''Somebody Told Me''<br>
Feeder - ''Pushing the Senses''<br>
Bryan Ferry - ''A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall''<br>
Sugar - ''If I Can't Change Your Mind''<br>


An Honest Mistake - The Bravery
==External Links==
 
*[http://www.worldnakedbikeride.org/ The World Naked Bike Ride's website]
Another Girl, Another Planet - The Only Ones
*[http://www.fatduck.co.uk/ The Fat Duck restaurant]
 
Sonnet - The Verve
 
City of Blinding Lights - U2
 
Pardon My Heart - Neil Young
 
Babooshka - Kate Bush
 
Halflight - Athlete
 
Impossible Girl - Lloyd Cole
 
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
 
Pushing the Senses - Feeder
 
Hard Rain - Roxy Music
 
If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar
 
==Extras==
 
Transcript Here When It's Done
 
==Download==
 
http://www.sendspace.com/file/qj4f7b


http://rapidshare.de/files/32357988/s04e03.mp3
{{Xfm Box}}


http://savefile.com/files/60116
[[Category:Episode Pages|4.02]]
==See Also==
*[[Xfm Series 1]]
*[[Xfm Series 2]]
*[[Xfm Series 3]]

Latest revision as of 16:14, 2 May 2021

Xfm Series 4
May 2005 - July 2005
List of episodes

Episodes:

  1. 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I)
  2. 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II)
  3. 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III)
  4. 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV)
  5. 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V)
  6. 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant gamely plod on for show 3 of 6.

Track Listing

1. Your Head Looks a Bit Egg-ish (0:00:00)

Heat magazine have been criticising "producer" Karl, for his "little round bald Manc head". Ricky notices that Karl's head looks extra shiny, like a plate with ears. Mr.Spoon from Button Moon comes to Steve's mind, while Gervais compares Karl to a half human half monkey, especially his hands. Karl says that he is attending a wedding later on. Karl then complains that "Baldy Boyd", the editor of Heat doesn't mention his bald head. Karl says that weddings are boring and he doesn't want to get married; he doesn't see the point. Karl says he's happy but Ricky and Steve are incredulous. Forthcoming, Ricky has an anecdote about the most ridiculous thing Karl has ever said.

2. Talking (Yoghurt) Heads (0:04:14)

Ricky says that the Only Ones song just played has one of his favourite intros ever, and Steve snores. Dr Fox thinks it's Money for Nothing. Jane gave Ricky a golfing weekend as a gift, and Ricky took Karl. Steve thinks Jane just wanted some time off from Rick. On hole one Ricky did a good drive whereas Karl messed it up incredibly, leaving Ricky rolling about on the floor. To add to Karl's unrest, Ricky did a handbrake turn in the golf buggy, near a lake. Ricky carded 107 and Karl scored 119, after 5 hours on the course. Karl fell asleep in the bath as there was no light bulb and had to go to dinner with wet clothes, because Ricky was impatient. The two have dinner in front of the fire with cigars. Steve asks if it was 1955. Karl got taught about evolution, and inscrutably ponders giraffes. He teaches Ricky something of his own: "In the future, 'they' reckon that you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt that you can have a chat with". Ricky retired to bed, exasperated.

3. Bacteria - Fish - Mermaid - Man (0:11:34)

Karl thinks evolution has got it wrong. We'd have been better off staying as a fish. Steve's thinking of dozing off. Karl is confused about where humans came from. Ricky partially agrees that human beings have interfered with evolution, but not with the yoghurt. Karl explains the chatty yoghurt; he read about it in The Daily Telegraph. There are already bacteria-friendly yoghurts, this is just a really friendly one.

4. Smuggling Seaweed (0:15:45)

Ricky praises U2, then tells Karl off for Steve's mic being quiet to the listeners. Karl tells of his holiday to Sardinia which has nice food and beaches. Karl encountered a German nudist woman with her husband and explains why he thinks she was German. Ricky nearly dies of laughter. Karl thinks her husband was embarrassed and is annoyed that she wore boots. He wonders what would have happened if on his and Suzanne's first holiday he found out she was a nudist. Steve suggests a nudist spokesperson phone up and put Karl right. Karl gets agitated by remembering a report he read which featured a nudist playing bowls. Don't play a sport where you gotta bend over.

5. Adam and Eve or Karl and Suzanne? (0:22:57)

A listener emails in to spread word of the nude bike ride that day in Hyde Park. Steve questions the legality, while Karl ponders the motive. Ricky requests a fat German nudist called Helmut phone in. The phone rings but Karl doesn't answer. Instead he mentions an Australian vicar who conducts his services in the nude, including weddings, which would be cheaper. Ricky says it might be a tribute to Adam and Eve, who Karl find interesting. He wonders what would have happened if they didn't get on. Ricky feels the same way about pandas then compares it to Celebrity Love Island. Steve wonders if Adam had any say in Eve's hair colour and breast size. Karl wonders what Adam and Eve's surname was. Ricky says that Karl doesn't like music; Karl says he only like songs with stories, like Babooshka by Kate Bush.

6. Manc in Disguise (0:29:32)

Ricky intros Magic, since they just played a Kate Bush song. Babooshka discussion. Karl thinks the bloke would recognise that it was his wife. He wonders what would happen if he tried to do the same with Suzanne, and would never pick the name Babooshka. Ricky now wants Kate Bush to phone up, but she may be busy with hippie activities.

7. Lie-in No Rich Tea (0:32:15)

A listener has send in their own Rockbuster, which Steve delivers. Karl gets it straight away. Karl gives this week's clues, and Steve reads the prizes which of course include Ladder 49.

8. Charity Cons (0:36:49)

Steve confirms the World Naked Bike Ride, against oil dependency. Karl asks if they have to wear a helmet, and thinks it's sensible to pop some pants on. Ricky briefly discusses Bob Geldof's G8 campaign. Karl respects Sir Bob as he used to work at Xfm, but thinks he's wasting his time. Karl remembers when he spent all his money down the arcade as a kid, got some more money from his mam and did the same again. Ricky would love to see Karl in the G8. Steve asks Karl what he'd do if he was in charge of the world, but Karl says he does enough by buying tools for Africa but got conned by a charity for pensioners. He gives £5 a month to help an old lady with heating. The second letter he got showed a picture of her with a tan. Karl wraps up the Africa debate by saying "It would have been better to have the gig in Africa, get people out there, cheap flights, hot dog stands, locals will love that, job done." Ricky then asks Geldof to phone in.

9. Waiting... Still Waiting (0:45:49)

Jonathan Ross took Ricky to the best restaurant in the world, The Fat Duck In Bray, but Ricky is a fussy eater. He was apprehensive when he saw that one of the dishes was snail porridge but they made his with mushrooms. Steve says that Ricky is like a child from Jamie's School Dinners who just wants Turkey Twizzlers. Steve refuses to eat with Ricky; award ceremonies are a nightmare. Steve blames the Gervais family, and says that even if Ricky was live in Jesus' times he would have turned down the food at the feeding of the 5 thousand. Steve rants about Ricky's eating but Ricky retorts that they can only choose from 3 restaurants at lunch because Steve won't spend more than a fiver. Steve compares Rick to a giant anaconda that sleeps while trying to digest a sheep it ate. Karl brings up the 50p incident, in which where Steve got furious where Karl didn't want to pay Steve back, even though he'd given Steve a keg of lager. Steve sometimes saves money waiting for the off-peak Zones 1 and 2 tube ticket, but Ricky wouldn't wait more than 30 seconds. Madness. Karl says it depends on what job you do.

10. Sausages in the Toaster (0:53:22)

Steve recounts how Michelle McManus apparently used to eat 12 packets of Doritos a night. Britain's fattest family shed 23 stone. The fattest one, the 13 year old who weighed 27 stone and broke 5 bikes. Steve wonders if he's on the World Naked Bike Ride now that he has lost weight. Ricky reads out an email that was sent by Suzanne to Karl, that Karl returned to the wrong address. Ricky reads out her instructions to Karl about his tea. It was too much messing about anyway so he skipped a couple steps. He once put cooking oil on his food, and tried an alternative method for cooking sausages. Some people in Care in the Community need less help.

11. Yolk? Oh...Oh No (0:59:36)

Rockbusters answers including a classic one.

12. It's the Chef (1:02:29)

The Sugar song is "A Ricky and Steve Classic". Time for Monkey News. A couple is having a lovely meal in a restaurant in L.A. They are forbidden from complimenting the chef so they leave. However, they pass the open kitchen door to see a monkey stood on a chair, cooking veg. Steve says the monkey probably doesn't need instructions from his girlfriend, and Karl gives up and plays the ads.

Quotes

Karl: Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

Karl: A German woman...
Ricky: How could you tell she was German? Under-arm hair?
Karl: Well, forget the under-arm hair...It looked like she was smuggling seaweed.

Steve: I actually got to the point now where I refuse to eat out with Ricky. It sucks the life out of me. I can't enjoy the experience. You whinge, you complain, you look at Jane like a little boy, like "Oh Mum, why've you brought me here?"

Karl: Monkey stood on a chair.. cookin' veg

Rockbusters

There's a vehicle that sells kebabs. D.
You're asked if you want that bit of the egg, you think about it, but decide against it. Y.O.
I don't think this burger will catch on. M.

Playlist

The Bravery - An Honest Mistake
The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet
The Verve - Sonnet
U2 - City of Blinding Lights
Neil Young - Pardon My Heart
Kate Bush - Babooshka
Athlete - Half Light
Lloyd Cole - Impossible Girl
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
Feeder - Pushing the Senses
Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
Sugar - If I Can't Change Your Mind

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...
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