04 May 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 04 May 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

The Queen Mum Used To Have A Right Mouth On Her

Ricky: ...go on there Steve...

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Stone Roses on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Karl Pilkington for the last time...

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: I'm afraid. So um, you know we're gonna have a little bit of a chat with sowing up some things with Karl, we're giving away that prize, that BAFTA bag and you know...

Steve: Playing some great music.

Ricky: And we'll just, I mean I'm bringing in my favourite tunes, I'm bringing The Smiths, Radiohead, Cat Stevens, David Bowie, Neil Young, the classics. Steve's doing the same.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: erm, well Karl, last time for, er, yeah, apparently, erm, someone's got it a bit wrong, we're not actually away for 6 weeks, we're away for about 2 months, so we'll be back in August won' we?

Karl: Bloody hell.

Ricky: Yeah... no don't swear.

Steve: yeah that's outrageous.

Ricky: On the last show you have to say that.

Steve: Already bought the tone down.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cheapened it.

Ricky: And I think it's blasphemous as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: No it's not 'hell' isn't is it?.

Steve: Isn't it?

Ricky: No, don't think-that's not blasphemy is it.

Steve: Taking hell's name in vain?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah but what was it you were saying the other week about how the Queen Mum used to have a right mouth on her?

Ricky: What?

Karl: No.

Steve: I don't we said that on air Karl...

Ricky: What?

Karl: No but, last week you...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Were saying about that bad language, and i was saying ah, it, they'll, you know there'll come a time when bad language isn't, doesn't, you know matter anymore, you can 'eff and jeff' and stuff.

Ricky: Oh, I know what he's talking about Steve.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Right, let me explain to you, the listener at home, erm Karl was worried about swearing and as a joke, off-air, it was last week, we were saying that, erm, the Qu-, in the 1940s and 50s the Queen mum used to say things like that, and we were quoting things she'd said.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But but putting 'F's and 'C's in there, and you believed us.

Steve: What? So this whole week, you've believed that we somehow, somehow had knowledge that the...

Ricky: Queen Mum used to say...

Steve: Used to swear like a trooper?

Ricky: We were doing fake quotes from her in her voice, but putting in 'F's and 'C's and you believed us. I mean i didn't even think, I mean, I thought you were going along with the joke but it obviously made an impact...

Steve: Karl! We've said this, you've got to question and query everything, you can't take things at face value, certainly not if they come out of the mouths of Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Oh right.

Ricky: Yeah, sorry about that Karl, that was a little, a little trick.

Karl: Oh..

Steve: Is there any other things now that as you look back over this time we've...

Ricky: Is there anything we've said that as you think about I can tell you now that was a lie?

Steve: Anything you've maybe queried or questioned, and thought that doesn't sound right, that maybe Ricky's told you?

Karl: Something might come to me...

Steve: Okay.

Karl: ...later on but...

Ricky: Okay, but what about, Karl, I mean, we love you, right obviously we know that, and we've got great affection for you we look forward to this, I'm gonna miss you really, but and I'll tell you what, you've got a heart of gold, now wait till you see what the record is Steve...what I've done.

Steve: Is it Heart of Gold?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Brilliant, brilliant. Alright, that's why he's a bronze award winner at the Sony's.

Ricky: I don't get up for bronze, I don't get out of bed for bronze.

Steve: That was a waste of our time.

Song: Neil Young - Heart of Gold

A Bronze Is Pointless

Ricky: Karl Pilkington over there, there, on Xfm 104.9, winner of a bronze award.

Steve: At the Sony's...

Ricky: ...at the Sony's

Steve: The radio awards.

Ricky: ...the radio Oscars so Phill Jupitus said.

Steve: Man alive.

Ricky: That's what he called them on Liquid News.

Steve: I'll tell you this Rick, I'm not used to being on a table with losers, at an awards ceremony.

Ricky: No, I'm this, I'm glad, I didn't want to come in to do the final show.

Steve: Nah.

Ricky: You know, i went straight over and sat with Pete and Geoff, didn't i? From Radio 4, went over with Paul Gambaccini.

Steve: I went over to BBC World Service.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know it's lot funkier, lot cooler .

Ricky: Yeah, won an award.

Steve: Yeah, they swept the boards.

Ricky: Yeah, i don't, bronze is nowhere.

Steve: What was the mood, er, over here.

Ricky: Silver's, silver's...what was the mood here?

Karl: The mood, err.

Steve: Cos the day after, cos people, well let me tell you now I think Xfm deserve an award, and I thought it was criminal actually.

Ricky: But what i did like about, we certainly had the room, cos Pete and Geoff said good luck to us and Christian, that was really nice, and then someone else mentioned us.

Karl: James Nesbitt.

Ricky: James Nesbitt said 'oh er Xfm and stuff' so we certainly had the...

Karl: Paul Gambourchini said something about it.

Ricky: Yeah so...

Steve: Did he really? What Gambo?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Certaintly had the room, and for a local, you've gotta realise it's a local radio station, you know and err, you can't compete really with Radio 2 and Radio 4 and...

Steve: But what was the mood the day after, here at Xfm?

Karl: Erm, it was alright, i mean, i think we expected a few more but...

Ricky: But you shouldn't take these things seriously anyway.

Karl: Nah but...

Ricky: It's flattering, never take awards...seriously.

Steve: But what I didn't realise Rick, what I didn't realise is you have to pay thousands of pounds just to nominate.

Ricky: You're joking.

Steve: Just to get into the running for an award so you've already you know, they squandered thousands of pounds.

Ricky: Nah, it's not thousands.

Steve: It is!

Karl: Well, it mounts up because you pay to enter right.

Ricky: And then the table.

Karl: And you've gotta buy like minidiscs and that, to send you're stuff in on.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Which are Sony Minidiscs.

Steve: Hmm.

Ricky: Ohhh, i see what you're saying Karl.

Karl: I'm not saying anything.

Ricky: No.

Karl: Erm, and also then, and you've gotta pay for the table.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And the food and the drink, i mean it's a few grand.

Ricky: I swore on live television as well that night.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But I've never done that before, I mean I've never, I've sworn before but never accidentally, and we were being interviewed for erm, and Christian was sort of like quite, you know, being a bit boisterous and he must have brought out the worst in me, and I acc-, must of accidentally said the f-word, and I apologised straight away, I didn't want to embarrass Phill Jupitus.

Steve: Ha...does that himself,yeah.

Ricky: He was doing a good job...pff.

Karl: But i was thinking about yesterday and you're saying a bronze isn't worth having right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, say like...

Ricky: We were only joking, none of them are worth having, but they're very nice, and it's...

Steve: No, a bronze is pointless.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: But you say that cos like bronze is like coming last innit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, can you tell me the name of the person who won the marathon this year? No.

Steve: Yeah but that's because we're not sporty, I'm sure there's lots who can.

Karl: But then, the guy who came last, who was in the swimsuit.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: People remember him, and he...

Steve: No i don't remember his name either.

Ricky: No what was his name?

Karl: No, but he was 6 days late I mean he was really bad.

Ricky: Yeah but what's his name then?

Karl: ...err.

Steve: you see?, No one's remembering either.

Karl: No, but if someone who won the marathon, I'd go 'I dunno but there's that guy in the swimsuit'.

Ricky: Well I'd say 'I don't know, it was a woman'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: She had shorts on and trainers.

Karl: I'm just trying to make you feel...

Steve: My point is what they will remember is that we were losers, that's what they'll remember.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: They may not remember our names.

Ricky: They'll just point and shout 'Losers'.

Ricky: We're all winners though aren't we, we're all winners really.

Steve: For taking part sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it's all subjective as well innit.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I mean I'm not going to moan about awards because you've won a lot of them, it's like saying they don't mean jack, but at the end of the day, right, there's some shows that won awards, and you go 'Yeah that's, that's worth an award'.

Ricky: I think you've got to treat it, i mean some awards actually boost your profile or career, or your cache or whatever like that, some it's just a nice night out and it's nice to win, but, i don't think you should really take any award that seriously.

Steve: What worries my though Rick, as I mentioned on the night is that I, when I was at school, was, I mean you look at me now, you probably think 'he an athletic kinda guy, he's a sporty dude' you know, but at school bizarrely that was not the case.

Ricky: No? What were you a bit of an lanky beanpole with stigmat-

Steve: As it turns out.

Ricky: You joking?

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh right okay.

Steve: So err, but I got silver err, in the high jump.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And I've done better in the high jump right? Did no training whatsoever, no practice, just turned up.

Ricky: You were and a half foot taller than every person in your class.

Steve: Well keep, well yeah but wait a minute, people think that if you're tall that makes you easier, it makes it easier for you to do the high jump, surely not because i have got all that leg to get over the pole, that makes it hider, harder, surely.

Ricky: But, Don't talk rubbish.

Steve: What are you talking about?

Ricky: Well of course the taller you are the more chance you've got at the high jump.

Steve: What, explain it to me.

Ricky: Everyone else, w..what? Right, okay, then, so is it harder a six foot man to step over a matchbox or a baby midget?

Steve: A Baby midget... that is tiny Rick.

Karl: Hang on, here's something I've learnt remember, after like show 4 or whatever.

Ricky: Go on..Show 4!

Karl: The flea can jump over the London Eye?

Ricky: Nooo! No it can jump the equivalent of if it was a 6 foot man, it can jump about 6 inches high, a flea can not jump over the London Eye.

Steve: Yeah, Yes it can, yeah it can.

Karl: And...

Ricky: (Laughing) Karl...

Steve: Tell your kids that.

Ricky: Karl! ooh.

Karl: Remember...

Ricky: A flea can jump over the London Eye, and an ant can lift three Volvos.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Karl: But you w ere talking about fitness people and that...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: ...remember when we were in the pub right? And your mate Johnny was in there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I think it was.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he was talking about that guy who got done right, cos he entered a wheelchair race...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he shouldn't, and there was nothing wrong with him, his legs were alright.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now he got done because he shouldn't have been involved in it but don't you think, that really, he's really good for doing that because he's not normally in a wheelchair.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So he's not used to how they move about.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: His arms aren't as strong as the other fellas, who are always in the wheelchair.

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Ricky: He...

Steve: Had his mate pushing him, that was the problem.

Ricky: h- and it was motorized.

Karl: I'd give him a Gold Plus, just, I, I you know, you're taking a bloke, who's not used to doing something, he does it the first time, and beats the people who're at it all the time.

Ricky: What about that woman though, who was disqualified in the shooting, cos she was in a wheelchair, and she was just doing the normal, able-bodied Olympics, right, but, she wasn't allowed to rest her elbow on the arm of her chair, cos they were saying that's an advantage. She was in a wheelchair, and she was shooting, but she was getting unfair advantage, and they said 'You cannot put your elbow on the arm of your wheelchair'.

Steve: Sneaky aren't they.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: No, they are, you've gotta be careful, you've gotta be careful.

Ricky: Do you want to play a...

Steve: Some of them aren't even disabled it turns out.

Ricky: Hold on though, we're talking about athletes aren't we? What record should we play next?

Steve: I'd love to that that single that was out a couple of months back, by Athlete. Let's have...

Ricky: Athlete.

Steve: Let's have Athlete. Man alive.

Ricky: Athlete.

You Have The Hair Of A Chinaman

Steve: Westside by Athlete, a track that I know you and I have enjoyed Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, that's one of our favourite new tracks of the years that one.

Steve: ...of the last six or seven weeks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Very good. More, more of our favourite tracks to come on Xfm 104.9...

Steve: You know I was...

Ricky: With me, Ricky Gervais.

Steve: ...mentioning...

Ricky: ...and you...

Steve: Steve Merchant.

Ricky: ...and er...

Steve: Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: Sure. Go on.

Steve: You know I was mentioning...

Ricky: Shoot.

Steve: ...the high jump...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The high jump, d'you know the reason I didn't get the gold, it's faintly embarrassing cos the guy who was, it was just neck and neck me and another guy, in fact he was slightly shorter than I was, and I was using the traditional Fosbury Flop, is the Fosbury Flop?

Ricky: The Fosbury Flop.

Steve: The Fosbury Flop and he was using a method which I can only describe as 'The Superman', where he was running at the bar, and diving head first over it, I've never seen this technique before.

Ricky: It's illegal that's why.

Steve: It's incredible... is it not allowed?

Ricky: Yeah. The Fosbury Flop only works because his shoulder and... are going over before his head, that's how they got around the rule, you weren't allowed to dive over, cos it was too easy.

Steve: Obviously no-one monitoring that.

Ricky: Yeah, no-one.

Steve: Just the Games teachers having a quick fag.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. What was his name again?

Steve: The, the, yeah.

Ricky: The fag.

Steve: I think his name was Mr Woodbine.

Ricky giggles.

Steve: But, er, anyway, he's using this method and it gets neck and neck and I don't know how many chances you get to knock down the bar, but basically it got to the point where I had to get over the bar or I was gonna come second.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: And I decided at that point, to use his method... cos he seemed to be doing so well with it, I thought I'll try that then. That looks easy.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: And ran at the bar, launched, didn't actually get my feet off the ground, just hit the bar like I was someone finishing a race, you know...

Ricky: Did you have...

Steve: ...going through the finishing mark, it's so pathetic.

Ricky: Did you have...

Steve: It just clattered everywhere.

Ricky: I just wanna get this picture of you at the age of, what, 15, 16... 6 foot 5 already probably?

Steve: Yeah, probably, yeah.

Ricky: Probably what, about nine stone?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Did you have your glasses on?

Steve: Of course I did!

Ricky: You must have looked pretty sexy.

Steve: And probably, probably a small bum-fluff 'tasche.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: As well.

Ricky: That must have been good.

Steve: Good looking.

Ricky: Was it true once, when you were about 16, you decided to wear a dickie-bow to school?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That must have been great.

Steve: That was during my PG Wodehouse phase.

Ricky cackles.

Ricky: You thought you'd be a hit with the ladies if you were more sophisticated!

Steve: Not only that I thought it'd make me kind of kooky and eccentric, like I wasn't already! Six foot seven, goggle-eyed.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Like they're already thinking, there goes a weirdo.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: “There's a weirdo wearing a bow-tie. Brilliant.”

Ricky: “Does it spin round mate?”

Steve: “What a catch!”

Ricky: “Cos you're getting me hot.”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: I wore that for about, for about six months and it was in school colours, cos we had to wear a tie at school, this was a bow tie.

Ricky: Fantastic.

Steve: And mean now I don't... oh man.

Ricky: I can't believe it.

Steve: I don't know what I was thinking.

Ricky: Karl, when you were a little Pilkington, right, if you had hair, what would it be like?

Karl: What d'you mean?

Steve: You obviously had hair then, back then, what was the style?

Karl: Erm, it was like, er, sort of, I had, I had quite sort of, er, fine, er, sort of, straight hair.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Erm... hairdresser once said to me “You've got the hair of a chinaman.”

Ricky explodes.

Ricky: He was a wise man wasn't he! What do you think that meant then!?

Karl: He just said you've got the same hair as a Chinese man has; very straight, quite fine...

Ricky: Why's he telling... I just imagine this fella going “The Arsenal did well, didn't they sir? Do, do, do... would you like a little something on that? You've got, youhavethehairofachinaman.” 'I'm sorry?' “Nothing, you're not the spy?” 'No, I'm not.' “Thank you, goodnight.”

Steve: “You're not my contact.”

Ricky: Yeah, lovely.

Karl: It was...

Ricky: “You have the feet of a fish.” 'Sorry?' “Nothing, it's not you, next!” You have the hair of a chinaman...

Karl: It was one of those barbers, it was a cheap one, just on a railway bridge.

Ricky: I don't believe that. Go on.

Steve: On a railway bridge!?

Ricky cackles.

Ricky: That's why it w as cheap, it was very low rent, so he could charge 50p...

Steve: That wasn't a barber, that was a man with some scissors.

Ricky: Did he go “Oh have to move you there, sir (imitates a train going past), okay back in the chair sir.”

Steve: I imagine them on one of those things you always see in old films where you've gotta kind of pump...

Ricky: You have to pump it up and down like a see...

Steve: ...to move it along the track.

Karl: It wasn't as good as that, it was just a normal chair, little wooden hut, and he did have to stop when a train came past, cos it used...

Steve: Cos he had to change the signals.

Ricky combusts with laughter.

Ricky: Just making a few extra bob.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah, oh I love that.

Steve: That's Manchester for ya.

Ricky: Oh god.

Karl: I always remember...

Ricky: It wasn't Bernard Cribbins was it?

Karl: I always remember him saying, “D'you want your hair washing?” And I said 'Is it free? Does it come with it?' he said “Yeah.” So I said 'Oh go on then.' He said “Hang on, I'll just have to wash these mugs up.” He had like a sink full of mugs.

Ricky: Oh god!

Karl: “I'll just take these out and then I can wash your head.”

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve hoots.

Karl: ...and that's why...

Steve: Why did you go to this man?

Karl: It was cheap.

Ricky: How much was it?

Karl: About two quid.

Ricky: And when was this?

Karl: Oh...go, about, er, eighty... 88, 89.

Ricky: Alright.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So what happened to your Chinese hair?

Karl sighs.

Steve: When did it start coming out?

Ricky: You have the hair of a bald Chinaman now, don't ya?

Steve: You've got the hair of a Chinaman in a box now.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: I used to just, erm, work a lot of hours, and I think...

Steve: And that's what made it fall out?!?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, course.

Ricky: No, it's not, it's genetic, you can't stop it...

Karl: It's not genetic.

Ricky: Course it is.

Steve: Is your dad bald?

Karl: Er, no he's got more hair than me now I think.

Steve: Is your mum?

Ricky: Kojak's got more hair than you Karl.

Karl: Anyway!

Steve: Don't have a go at Karl's hair, that's a bit harsh.

Ricky: Oh, look at his little face.

Karl: What did it say before in that book before about going bald, it said, er, it had a little tip didn't it, we'll go over them later.

Ricky: It says if you're going thin, doesn't it say cut your hair short and something like that.

Karl: So it makes you look thicker.

Ricky giggles.

Karl: ...or something.

Ricky: Yeah, oh yeah, we got, people are offering Karl lots of... we're coming up to that in a few minutes...

Steve: We'll go through that...

Ricky: ...you can win that Bafta bag.

Steve: Shall I remind people what the competition was?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Last week, we were giving away this bag that we got signed by various celebrities at the Baftas, and we asked you to email or write in with your suggestions as to what you have, that you could swap for the bag and it has to be something that will enhance Karl's life, we've had quite a lot of suggestions, I'll go through those a bit later, but some of them are quite eccentric.

Ricky: Meanwhile, I'm gonna play one of my favourite songs off one of my favourite albums.

Steve: I look forward to hearing it.

Ricky: It's Radiohead and this is The Bends and it's Black Star.

Steve: Go for it.

Some Of My Favourite Adverts

Ricky: Black Star by Radiohead off The Bends, one of my favourite- we're gonna be playing lots of our favourite tracks, aren't we, also I put together some of my favourite adverts I'd like to play the All City Show, that BT advert, something about London Transport and what else have you got in there, Blockbusters, have you got Blockbusters? Play them.

Steve: I'd love to hear that, that'd be great.