20 April 2002/Transcript

Currently in progress by Squeek

This is a transcription of the 20 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show

One Day I Hope To Sleep With A Lady

Ricky: See? Strokes - Someday. Now that was a better--a better choice, wunnit, to start off with? Um, oh hello, uh.. ladies and gentlemen.. Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. Steve.. Mitchell.

Steve: Now, come on, lets get my name right from now. Tha-that novelty has worn off.

Steve: What is it? Is it--?

Steve: Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Oh yeah.. they the..

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's the wrong one, innit--Mitchell?

Steve: The Guardian got it wrong. It's Steve Merchant.

Ricky: The more I say Mitchell the more people will think it might--

Steve: Exactly. It might be Mitchell.

Ricky: Oh God... Sorry Dave.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Um, but Karl wanted to start off with the Stereophonics.

Steve: Ahhh... Loser.

Ricky: 'Cuz it was "a newer track." And Karl now, we've made him what he is. He was nothing when we found him

Steve: Nobody. He was like work experience

Ricky: And now he's going, "Oh, we should start off with the Stereophonics" and I'm going, "Karl"--

Steve: Trying to tell you what to do, Rick.

Ricky: --"if I want anyones opinion... I don't."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Basically.

Steve: Well, you'd probably come to me I'd imagine.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Befo--

Steve: I'd be the first person.

Ricky: Before Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'd consult you, Steve

Steve: Thank you.

Ricky: So, just keep it... just 'cuz he was in, what was it, Pilkie's Makin Music?

Steve: Yeah, his mobile disco outfit.

Ricky and Steve: Pilkie's Makin Music

Ricky: I'll bet you never pleased a crowd once.

Karl: I did. Loads of times.

Ricky: Go on then. What'd you play? What's the biggest gig you ever played?

Karl: I did, uh... like a social club.. gig.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it wasn't just about the music, either.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I used to--

Steve: What else could it be about?

Karl: I used to take prizes... and cigars, and stuff.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: In a youth club?

Karl: To give away.

Ricky: I just love these like fourteen-year-old Mancs hangin' out, goin', "Let's go down there, he might have some fags and cigars for us."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it was whatever, like... was on me mom and dad's dressing table.

Ricky: That could have been embarrassing.

Steve laughs

Steve: That could have been deeply embarrassing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Owhh.. Yeah. You've won...

Steve: And third prize: some handcuffs...

Ricky: And a black mamba.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: I'm not saying... that... at any point in your upbringing, your parents left around any kind of... marital aid on the dressing table. Don't think I'm saying that, Karl. I'm not suggesting--Look he doesn't like this, does he?

Steve: No--we--no. I can understand why.

Ricky: Oh yeah. 'Cuz it's about his...

Steve: It's about his parents having sex.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, they must've!

Steve: Yeah, at once.. at least--

Ricky: At least three times.

Karl: I think I was an accident.

Ricky and Steve: (unintelligible)

Ricky: I think--I think it's been ongoing.

Karl: Just because me brother and sister are quite older than me.

Ricky: Yeah, me too. I was an accident, I know that, yeah. How olds your, uh, brother and sister?

Karl: Uhhmmm.. I think me sister's about... thirty-nine.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And me brother's about... thirty-seven

Ricky: Okay, and your... twenty-nine

Karl: I'm like.. twenty-nine

Ricky: Right, so, yeah. My next one's eleven years older than me.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: I was definitely a--

Steve: Do you want to have a hug, you two? Or...

Ricky: Yeah... Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You dealing with it now? You got over it?

Ricky: Well, would you like to see us have a hug? Ooh.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh. You had a mobile disco as well, didn't you?

Steve: You're havin' a laugh aren't you. I was--every single gig I did... dynamite. People loved it. It was stormin'.

Ricky: Wha--what was it called?

Steve: I ran it from about the age of fourteen to... eighteen?

Ricky: What was it called? Was it called anythi--

Steve: The name of our mobile disco?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It had two names in its lifetime.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It started its life as... bear with it--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "The Rock and Roll DJs"

Ricky: Oh my god... "The Rock and Roll DJ"... that's the worst...

Steve laughs

Ricky: I mean that's the worst.

Steve: Yeah. That's the most appalling. But then, it became pretty bad after that... when it became... "The Fantasy Island Roadshow"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why?

Steve: I don't know.

Ricky: 'Cuz everyone up to you looked like Tattoo?

Steve: Partly that. And I--'cuz I liked the program Fantasy Island.

Ricky: Why did you like the program Fantasy Island?

Steve: Well, it was about love, on an island.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It wasn't. It was about a midget on an island.

Steve: No. The midget was a minor character. It was about people going on an island to find love and romance.

Ricky: He was a minor chara--

Steve: You obviously switched off once the midget had gone off and said, "There's the plane."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's that then. Your parents went, "That's over then."; "It's only five minutes long?"; "Yeah, well it's..."

Ricky: Let's watch that fantasy midget.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What happened then? Cuz didn't they aah--they, um, acted out their fantasies on an island, eh?

Steve: Well people would pay to go to the island, um...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To live out their own romantic fantasies and invariably that was (unintelligable).

Ricky: It was always roman--it was always about... getting off with people?

Steve: Yeah, it was a kind of love island. Yeah.

Ricky: Was it?

Steve: Well, no not always. Sometimes they might be uh...

Ricky: Maybe I didn't watch a whole one. Maybe I did just see him like... smackin' little Tattoo around the head.

Steve: I think you did, mhmph. I think you just saw the trailer.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Aw. Oh, really?

Steve: But, um...

Ricky: So what did they sort of go? "I've always wanted to have... someone in..."

Steve: Well, no. It might be something like, you know, "I've always wanted to, uh, to sort of, to live out, uh, being a gunslinger in a wild west frontier town," you know, so you might kind of... create that fantasy.

Ricky: So what's that got to do with love--?

Steve: Well, invariably he'd find love, or he'd sort out some emotional problem he had. It was much more a spiritual and emotional journey than it was about little midgets runnin' around.

Ricky: So basic--but was it, like, um, "Oh. I'd like to be a cowboy and I'd like to have been one with a shag."

Steve laughs

Ricky: "Oh, and while I'm there..."

Steve: Yeah, it was like Jim'll Fix It. Like those letters you wrote to Jim'll Fix It.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "I'd like to meet Five Star and if something happens, so be it."

Ricky continues laughing

Ricky: Well...

Steve: No, I have to just say once though--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: This is about my, this is my DJing credentials. I was once playing, uh... music at a scout jamboree.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: When I was about seventeen, sixteen, seventeen.

Ricky: Big gig, though.

Steve: Big gig. There was a thousand scouts there.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Right, and I'll tell you this, we were playin' our stuff. They were lovin' it. They were dancing, it was in a big marquee, right?

Ricky: Right..

Steve: I slapped on Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Ricky: Yeah..

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They went mad..

Steve: They went mad for it. They were moshing, they were climbing up the poles. The organizers were going, "Switch that off! Switch that off!" Right? They're going crazy, and I was there going, "No! That's what they like. I'm going to do it." And--

Ricky: It was like Foot Loose!

Steve: It was unbelievable, it was just like Foot Loose. Then I came in with Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of; the place went wild.

Ricky: Wh.. Yeah.

Steve: And they were trying to get me off the decks. It was like Bill... it was like Bill Grundy interviewing the Sex Pistols.

Ricky: And then when... when the head andevribud had you killed...

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Right, by some mafia thing, it was all hushed up. Then the scouts went there one night with all candles and sat by your grave and the... and that was the end of the film. It was a film, I assume?

Steve: No, this genuinely happened!

Ricky: I assume this didn't really happen.

Steve: Yes it did, I swear to God I was playing Smells Like Teen Spirit and it went wild and the organizers were going, "Switch that off! They're going crazy," and I was going, "No! It's what they want."

Ricky: Can I say summat?

Steve: It was brilliant.

Ricky: That, to me.. I've known you about four years and I've heard all these things--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That must be the highlight of your life.

Steve: Unbelievably so, yeah.

Ricky: It's--you've never had anything that good--

Steve: No.

Ricky: --or exciting since, have you?

Steve: One day I hope to sleep with a lady...

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: ...and hopefully that'll--it will slide into second place.

Song: The Clash - Rock The Casbah

How Many Calculators Do You Need?

Ricky: Rock the Casbah...

Steve: I love the fact that you had at least three minutes to get that right

Ricky: I know.

Steve: To prepare and get that right.

Ricky: I know, but my mouth was full of Maryland Cookies.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah. You know last week?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: This'll, ah, this'll blow your mind. He came in, do you know what he bought, for himself, at about 10? Penguins.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Who buys Penguins still?

Steve: I know; or Wagon Wheels.

Ricky: Oh, I've never liked Wagon Wheels

Steve laughs

Steve: Have you not been a fan?

Ricky: No, no. But sorry 'bout that, it's The Clash and Rock the Cashbah.

Steve: Mmhm.

Ricky: Um, talking about records, have I told you that time my brother-in-law, um... uh, he was moving out of his place and I think moving in with my sister and I was about like, um, I dunno, thirteen. Um... and so he was about, I dunno, thirty. And movin' in--And he brought round all um.. uh, his records when he was storage to leave them at our house, right? And he all these old sort of records, fifties and sixties records, they're Elvis, right? And, uh um, and uh, they, uh... put them upstairs... and I was looking through them, and uh... it was just all like Elvis stuff and Beatles stuff and there was a mate of mine who loved Elvis, okay?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: And he had um...

Steve: Oh hello.

Ricky: ...loads of chemicals. Yeah. He had loads of chemicals and I was into chemistry, and uh, he said, "I'll swap you some chemicals for them." So I sort of nicked about five Elvis singles and I got all these chemicals and then... just guilt--

Karl: Ehmm.. what sort of chemicals?

Ricky: Just things like, you know, um... uh... just things like from a chemistry set... you know, crystals and metals and magnesium, all that sort of stuff that I just like to muck around with. And um... and uh... and then the guilt just... hit me, and just I thought, "Well, he's gonna notice that." And I just... one night, I just came down stairs and I confessed to my mum. She went, "Alright... well... I won't tell him, but you've got to be good." And it sort of like, I was just... really, really good for a year.

Karl: Hmph.

Ricky: And then, and then I was... have I told you this, am I not--?

Karl: No, no. You've just reminded me of something.

Ricky: And then... I remember, um, when I was about eighteen... uh... my brother was talking about it... and he said, "Did you ever, um, uh... play those records I left for you?"

Steve laughs

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: He told my mum, "These are for Ricky." She just didn't tell me.

Steve: She was sharp, wasn't she?

Karl: Ahhh...

Ricky: She, she... opportunism there.

Steve: Awww... that's genius.

Ricky: And uh, that was it. That's why I was good.

Steve: But you've never stolen anything since, have you?

Ricky: No... I don't, I don't, I don't...

Steve: Except that spate of uh... of shop-lifting after that to teach your mum a lesson.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Well, we went round uh, and uh.. arson.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Uh, no, no. I did, I just couldn't believe it. I just... oh.

Steve: That's a great trick.

Karl: I remember um... and I think all kids go through a phase of shop-lifting.

Steve: Well...

Karl: And, and... wh-wh-when I was going through it...

Steve: Mmm..

Karl: Um, I used to just--just little things. Just like, magic markers and uh... magazines, Mars bars, that sort of thing.

Steve: Yeah. Cigars and dildos.

Karl: And um... And one day, right?

Ricky: Same thing.

Karl: Uh... me mate... Antony, his mom called up my mom and said, "I've got to uh... I've got to meet up with ya. I've got to have a word with ya." And uh... she said, "What about?"; she said, "I don't want to talk about it over the phone." So she goes, "Oh, right. Well, yeah... come round tonight, then." So anyway, me mum sees me, she--she doesn't want to be in an awkward position and like... be a bit embarrassed and what have you so she sees me and she goes, "Right. Antony's mum is coming 'round. What 'ave you been doing?"

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I go, "Oh god..."; I said, "I've been nicking stuff."

Steve exhales

Karl: So she goes, "Like what?" and I go, "Not big stuff... I've had a few... calculators and, uh, Mars bars and stuff."

Ricky: "How many?"; "I'll just work it out, hold on"

Ricky pretends to press calculator buttons

Steve laughs

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: "Works out at 7.2 per day."

Karl: So, um...

Steve: How many calculators do you need?

Ricky laughs

Karl: So it was when that phase...

Steve: You failed maths didn't you?

Karl: Everyone wanted a calculator; it was like the trendy thing, wunnit?

Steve: Right. Okay.

Ricky: Yeah. In Manchester a couple years ago, yeah.

Steve chuckles

Karl: So um... so anyway. So, I told her all this and I confessed to like--

Steve: Computers will make it there one day.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: 'Tis magic in the back.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Of battery.

Karl laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Confessed to nicking all this stuff... she comes 'round. She only wanted to borrow some money.

Steve shrieks with laughter

Steve: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Karl: She said, "Oh... I don't like asking... I was a bit embarrassed to ask you over the phone but can I borrow 20 quid?"

Steve: Oh... that's fantastic.

Karl: And there's me. With these...

Steve: That's great.

Ricky sighs

Karl: And it's the same sort of thing to yours...

Steve: And did you, um--

Ricky: And he went, "Hold on mum, let me just work out the interest on that."

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: "About ten percent... she'll owe you £4.40."

Steve: Yeah. And did you--

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: S-so... your mum was a loan shark.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And um...

Ricky: And uh--

Steve: Di--di--did uh... did she mention--

Ricky: She went, "I'll just, I'll just--"

Steve: --you'd been nicking stuff with your, with that other... 'cause what I'm saying is presumably you got your mate in trouble

Karl: No, no no no no, no.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: She went, "No worries, I'll just go and get my purse, it's on the dressing table."

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly. Yeah

Ricky: "Karl!"

Steve: "Do you want a cigar?"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What other things did you used to give away at your disco, then, that you would find on the dressing table. You used to go into, um, your parents room and go, "What can I give away tonight?"

Karl: It was--it was stuff like I sai--Cigars.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Me dad liked cigars.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh... I had a pair of tights.

Steve shrieks

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: What d'you mean?

Karl: Unopened... you know how you get 'em in like a long--

Ricky: Who did you give that to?

Karl: Just whoever.. did the prize. It was stuff like, you know... di--we did like a little raffle.

Ricky: I could just imagine Karl going, "This is for a pair of... pretty polly, shear!"

Steve: Brilliant. Who's going joy riding this week? Now who's doing a bank job this week?

Ricky: Exactly. That's what it is used for, yeah.

Karl: Just.. little bits, you know... unopened makeup... just stuff like that.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And did your parents not notice?

Karl: Nah... 'cause it's stuff that... you're not that bothered about. If a telly went missing, they'd notice it.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: They would, wouldn't they? They'd be staring at a wall for three days.

Karl: But a pair of tights and cigar and that...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Got away with it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But it's funny as well, like, 'cause like how you had--you had two names... I just, like, remembered. I started off as um... "Dazzling Darren's Disco." Just because the first lights I could afford belonged to someone who had their name put in lights.

Steve: Right.

Steve laughs

Karl: So I went along with that name for a bit.

Steve: You had to pretend you were called Darren.

Ricky: That's lovely.

Steve: That's great.

Ricky: Was it worth it?

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And then it went on to... "Pilkie's Makin Music"

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Cheers.

Ricky: That's great.

Steve: I know, shall we have some more music?

Karl: Yeah, go on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Cause we've been wittering for hours--

Ricky: Wh-what you gonna play, Karl?

Karl: We've got the... Cooper Temple Clause lined up.

Ricky: Oh, brilliant.

Ricky snickers

Song: The Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?

Well, It's Pretty Sad But She Was 101 After All

Steve: Yes, Steve Merchant here.

Ricky: Steve Merchant...

Steve: Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yeah. Okay.. d-d-don't keep saying it.

Steve chuckles

Steve: And uh..

Ricky: Karl.

Steve: Karl, obviously. Yeah.

Ricky: Now, we've been--

Steve: Stop fiddling, Karl.

Ricky: We've been digging around in Karl's office, haven't we?

Steve: As ever Rick, um...

Ricky: He's a little bit nervous about this.

Steve: Well...

Ricky: But he doesn't need to be.

Steve: I don't think he is because--

Ricky: You just need to trust us, Karl. Just trust us. Trust us with the music. Trust us with the pe-speach output. Trust us with the--

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's easy for me to say.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Steve: Well it's just, I-I-I'm conscious, Rick, that sometimes we're a little ill-prepared--

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: --on this show. And I just wanted to make sure we were sort of... keeping ourselves abreast of developments, changes at the station, policy--

Ricky: Hah-hah... You said breast.

Steve: Thanks. Uh... you know, policies particularily, and um... I was lucky enough to stumble across this, and I feel that actually a couple weeks ago we were a little ill-prepared--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --'cause we hadn't read this.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: This is the Xfm, uh, information. It's the guidelines if you will--

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: --on how to react to deaths, disasters, and other news emergencies.

Ricky: Yeah. And there's very important ones--

Steve: Important policies.

Ricky: --like a-a-a royal death is like you know...

Steve: Well, there's certain criteria. I mean obviously... The general guidelines state that, "Occassionally something will happen in the world that prompts Xfm to break away from the normal programming and react to our audience's feelings of shock or grief."--

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Uh, "As broadcasters, we have a duty to think carefully"--

Ricky: They're not talking about our show, are they?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They're talking about something happening...

Steve: No, a-all shows.

Ricky: I don't mean, no, no, like people being caused grief 'cause Karl's on the air.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You mean like... you know.

Steve: I mean a bigger event.

Ricky: A royal dying.

Steve: A royal dying, or some kind of um, you know, major disaster.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Um... "We should be able to tailor our output to show that we feel the same way as the audience"--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --"in these times of trouble"--

Ricky: No, definitely.

Steve: Uh, "That would never involve the station shutting down completely," Rick.

Ricky: No?

Steve: I want to reassure you of that now.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, "It would never involve playing classical music or stopping all speech content."

Ricky: Sure. 'Cause a lot of, th-they put that in there 'cause a lot of stations, that's exactly what they do.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: But, um--

Steve: It wouldn't happen here.

Ricky: Xfm... have deemed it... th-th-th-that we don't have to go completely down the line there. We have to do our own unique way.

Steve: Well, let me explain why.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "People need company at times like this."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "And... should be able to look to us for both factual information and emotional reaction."

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Uh... "We simply have to change our tone and our playlist to show that we're all feeling the same thing."

Ricky: Right.

Steve: "Be it, Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening... or, Well, it's pretty sad but she was 101 after all."

Ricky: And that's actually in that book, isn't it?

Steve: That's what it actually says in the general guidelines.

Ricky laughs

Steve: That's as they are stated... Um, "If you should hear about the death of a major royal"--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --"If this information..."

Ricky: You're actually reading this, by the way...

Steve: Yeah, I'm actually reading this now. "What you should do is say nothing about this on air under any circumstances, drop all the ads and promos from your schedule, and if Chris Smith, the news guy, is in the building get him in the studio immediately."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's what it says, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If Smitty is uh, I don't care where he is; I don't care if he's on holiday.

Ricky: Let's phone him up now and tell him someone has died.

Steve: To see how he would react? To get him down here?

Ricky: To get him down, yeah.

Steve: See how long it takes him to get down here. Where does--where does Smitty live?

Ricky: 'cause, I know where he lives, he lives a cave and he slides down a pole.

Steve chuckles.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he gets into a car. His butler a--i--is up there and he--he sort things out.

Steve: I suppose the approach there is that only Chris can deliver this tragic news.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: If it was you or I, we couldn't--

Ricky: Yeah. It wouldn't, it wouldn't, it wouldn't... have the same. Uh, I remember, do you remember the Xfm, uh, as it first started, it launched the day after um, uh Princess Diana died.

Steve: I know. I know. Yeah.

Ricky: And I'd never done radio before; I was nervous enough--

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: And it was lorrge and it was, uawh, howsf

Steve: Because, I--I--was it--was it the first night, because what I'd forgotten actually until you mentioned that then is that of course you used to host your own phone-in show.

Ricky: Oh... God.

Steve howls with laughter

Steve: I had forgotten all about that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, man alive Rick.

Ricky: And I gave that up after a week because it was just too stressful.

Steve: I have never seen a man so petrified.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: He spent all his time preventing people getting through on the phone lines.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He just wouldn't let people come on air.

Ricky: And, and, and, for the fir--when I have to go on air, right? Um, my mates sorta like came over the first day and they were mucking around and uh, I was having a drink with them, where I used to work and I was going, "I've got to go on air in a minute," and I was like... drinking Shandy or summat 'cause I was saying, "I don't want to be drunk," and everything. And, uh, I kept saying, "Don't swear."

Steve: Steve chuckles

Ricky: Telling my mates not to swear and they look at me like I was mental. I was going, "Don't swear 'cause I'll swear." I was terrified of two things: um... just, swearing--

Steve: By mistake.

Ricky: And--and, and operating the desk. I thought, "I'm gonna... Even if I get through operating the desk, I'm gonna swear." And it just, oh, it was--it was just awful.

Steve: Didn't you, um, didn't you spill coffee over the machine and then go, "Oh, shit," on your first link?

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: I can't remember. But I know it wasn't a triumph.

Ricky: No, I started off, it was all about the music, and I started off with a classical piece--

Steve: Steve laughs

Ricky: --by a bloke called Koontz who's a, uh, German composer.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: So I knew I was--it was okay.

Steve: You were off. You were off.

Ricky: I was off, yeah.

Steve: So how did it go then, 'cause I remember it was appalling.

Ricky: Look! Karl! He's a composer. Look it up.

Karl: Yeah, I know he is.

Ricky: Right. 0-8700-800-1234 if you know what they composer I'm talking about.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Well...

Karl: Yeah. We--we've done it now.

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Ricky: Chill out Karl.

Karl: You know what people are like...

Ricky: What?

Karl: They take things... badly, don't they?

Ricky: Like who? Like what?

Karl: You just... it's like, uh...

Ricky chuckles

Karl: --uh, a bull to a red rag, or whatever.

Ricky tries to suppress his laugh

Ricky: Yeah, but the thing is we say bad words and get in trouble, but I was listening to Heart um, uh... the other day and they played Luther Vandross and i--the-whe-that-that song. Uh... neageadea... what is it? Never too much, never too much... Play a little bit; the lyric in this is just disgusting.

Luther Vandross: Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started...

Ricky: Hear that?

Steve: Steve laughs

Ricky: Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started.

Steve: That is disgu--

Ricky: That is filthy, play it again.

Luther Vandross: Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started...

Steve: That is depraved--

Ricky: That's just filthy. What a filth... I mean--

Steve: What is he doin'?

Ricky: Just taying 'bout that. Imagine that. He's got a young girl's picture and he's going, "Oh, thanks for that." And then he phones her up and what's it say? You know that picture you gave me. She goes, "Yeah." He goes, "Well... I looked at it just to get me started." That poor young woman must be...

Steve: I imagine more that, like... she's sleeping... and he just sneaks in and just, he's got a Polaroid camera, she wakes up and she goes, "What you doin'?"

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: She goes, "What you up to?" He goes, "No, I'm just taking a picture."; "Well, why?"; "I'm gonna... write a song about it."

Ricky: "You won't be here tomorrow, will ya?"

Steve: Yeah. "You're going on holiday tomorrow, aren't you?"

Ricky: "Yeah, well I need tha--"

Steve: "I just need something to get me started"

Ricky laughs

Steve: "What do you mean, get you started?"; "Oh, you know, in the morning."

Ricky: And then that's on Heart.

Karl: Mmm...

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: 106.2

Steve: So don't come on 'ere and tell us what we can--

Ricky: What we can't say.

Steve: --and cannot say and we can't say Koontz.

Ricky: We can't say classical composers' names. Or philosophers, like Kant.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So don't tell us that, Karl.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: Just play a record, what you got, Steve?

Karl: Play some Ride, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, I just think it's time that we listen to some Ride, Rick. We haven't listened to them, I don't know about you and I, but I haven't listened to some, to any for about six or seven weeks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Just thought it would be good to have them on the air again.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it's a tragedy that they split up. This is, uh, the classic Chelsea Girl. Play it, uh...

Ricky quietly laughs

Song: Ride - Chelsea Girl

My Name Is Bond, James Bond

Steve: --in their lifetime...

Ricky: I know. Yeah.

Steve: A great sound.

Ricky: But they influenced lots of bands at that time.

Steve: It seems to... yeah.

Ricky: The whole Brit-pop thing, and the... Wall of Sound and...

Steve: Mmm. Mmm.

Ricky: They weren't--were they shoegazers, do you think? They were, weren't they?

Steve: Well, that's what they're thought of, 'cause there's a lot of nooooodley guitar--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --but, uh, good melodies as well, Rick, and that's always important.

Ricky: It is to me.

Steve laughs

Steve: Don't know about, uh, you, Karl, but it is important to us.

Ricky: We've just had, uh, a couple of people, Sarah and Claire call up and wish us luck for the BAFTA's... but, for some reason... they want one of us to do an impression of Leslie Phillips.

Steve: Can't do it.

Ricky: I--I--I can't.

Steve: Doesn't he say, "Ding dong"?

Ricky: And... "Hellaou..." and all that.

Steve and Karl: That's not bad.

Ricky: But, I want... I want Karl to do it, though.

Steve: Yeah, go on Karl

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Hello.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Well done. Say, "Ding dong."

Karl: Ding dong.

Steve: Niceee...

Ricky: Yeah. Do auuehhh... other impressions.

Karl: Umm... no.

Steve laughs

Karl: I can't think of any...

Ricky: Go... "Hellaou..." Do that.

Karl: Helloow...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You look like a ventriloquist dummy.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Hellow...

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Awh... Karl, you're--

Steve: Do, uh, "My name is Bond, James Bond," as though it were Sean Connery.

Ricky: "My name is Bond, James Bond." Do that, go on.

Karl: My name's Bond--

Steve: No, do it as though you were in--you were doing an impression.

Ricky: "Sean..."

Pause

Karl: I'm... what, so I'm trying to be Scottish?

Steve: Well, yeah.

Ricky: Well, yeah, sort of.

Steve: Perhaps more specific than that, Sean Connery.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: "My name's Bond."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's not bad

Steve: Keep going.

Ricky: That's not bad--

Karl: "My name's Bond, James Bond."

Ricky: That's like Jimmy Stewart.

Steve laughs

Ricky: He's not bad, but this... this is the best fun.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's like having your very own Fisher Price toy for two hours a week.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Ricky: It's great. Um, do, um, uh... "Roger Moore..." Do that.

Karl: "Roger Moore..."

Ricky and Steve burst into laughter

Ricky: (Manc accent)"Phyllis Pearce, Percy Sugden... licensed to kill."

Karl: So anyway, anyway, she just said--

Ricky: No, this is a great game.

Karl: No no no no no, that's enough of it.

Steve: Yeah, we'll come back to this another time, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, anything, anything you want Karl to do--

Steve: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Karl's homework today was to come up with those, you know those, um... lateral thinking things.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Those stupid...

Steve: Oh, I hate them.

Ricky: They're ridiculous, aren't they? Liketheyum, "A man went into a field and died." And you're meant to ask questions like, "Oh, was it abendiduh...?" and it turns out his parachute didn't open. So it's basically, it's not logic, it's "What am I thinking?"

Steve: Yeah... Well there's that one where there's a man in, this is the worst I've ever heard--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: A man is found dead lying in a phone box...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right? His wrists are cut

Karl: Mmm.

Steve: He's bled to death and... there's glass everywhere.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right? And the phone's hanging off--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --the hook, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What happened to him?

Ricky: I know this, yeah.

Steve: Right. Do you know the answer is, Karl?

Ricky: It's ridiculous.

Steve: He was a fisherman.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He was on the phone, someone asked him how big his fish was, he did that gesture like fishermen always do to sort of say that it was much bigger than it actually was.

Ricky: Put his arms out.

Steve: His arms went through the glass and he slashed his wrists and he died.

Karl: Why would you do that with someone on the phone? When they can't see how big he's actually saying.

Steve: Well that's one of the many problems with that--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --uh, conundrum.

Ricky: Yeah. Not the point we were making, but again, good. I mean, you're there. That is good thinking.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But, uh, so what, you had to come up with some of these? I didn't know this was his challenge.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you come up with one?

Karl: I came up with three. And they're all belters.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Are we gonna, oh, it's a... If it's as good... as... your... quote about happiness that we had to guess about which was yours and which was the real ones, like Faking It, I cannot wait.

Steve: I'm looking forward to this...

Ricky: I mean I literally can't wait, shall we do it now?

Steve: Well I'm tempted to save it, 'cause I just want to mention to people, um, that uh, they should be very excited because it's going to be Karl's special night tomorrow. You excited Karl?

Ricky: Oh yeah, oh this is, yeah, um, eou, um, me and Steve 'cause we were nominated, we get a guest.

Steve: For the BAFTA awards.

Ricky: Um, um... and it, it doesn't say guest it actually says um, you know, uh, partner. So I'm taking, um, my partner and, uh, Steve's taking Karl. But what Karl doesn't realize is... you will have to pretend you're his partner otherwise you wouldn't be able to get in--

Steve: Yeah. We'll have to hold hands when we go down the red carpet.

Ricky: He says, "Is this your... is this really your partner?" It's not just a guest. They have to--

Steve: That's how it is, and either we go in like that or we can't get in.

Ricky: You have to, you just have to be with him when you go up there. I mean, you don't have to... does he have to hold--?

Karl: Yeah, but...

Steve: We should hold hands. But, what I think we should do is, just to make sure there is nothing at all that, like, is gonna go wrong, we should just do a little kiss.

Ricky: Just like--

Steve: Just in front of the cameras.

Ricky: Or, or, or be seen sort of like... cheek to cheek. Just to show them that--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: --you know, you're not, he's not just getting in--

Steve: Like Elton John and David...

Ricky: That he's not just getting his mates in for a free meal and you are actually partners.

Karl: No... I'm not up for that.

Steve: Why not?

Silence

Karl: Well...

Steve: Because we know we're not actually gay.

Karl: No, but, but, yeah--

Steve: So it's not a problem.

Karl: But you'd come out of it looking quite good 'cause you got a good lookin' fella'.

Ricky laughs

Karl: But I'm meant to, like, you know... I mean a... I'm not gay. But if I was... I don't think I'd go for you or summat.

Ricky: Oh, he's done you Steve! He's turned on you again!

Steve: I cannot believe...

Ricky: We were trying to get him--

Steve: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute... I have got the cream of London's totty phoning me up, trying to get an invite to the BAFTA's.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right? We have very graciously asked you if you would like to come along.

Karl: Well that worries me even more... that you've got women calling you up.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Karl...

Steve: Karl, I can't choose between them. If I let one of them down, I'm gonna, they're going to destroy them.

Ricky: Yeah, he's--Yeah.

Steve: They--they'll be ruined, their lives will be ruined. It's better for me to take you and not, you know, ruin the lives of any of those poor women.

Ricky: When--when-when he told them he was taking you it was like a scene from Graceland, there was just like--

Steve: There was weeping.

Ricky: They were crying, like--

Steve: It was horrible.

Ricky: --hundreds of them.

Steve: Really.

Ricky: And he just said--

Steve: I got upset.

Ricky: He just had to say, "Look, just chill out, bitches." Didn't ya?

Steve: I did. I just said, "You know, you're all ma hoes"--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --"but I can't choose between you"

Ricky: "So I'm taking Karl."

Steve: "So I'm taking Karl."

Ricky: You know he gets, he could get you discount frocks?

Steve: Now I had a letter from the people, that there's an organization--

Ricky: No, he could.

Steve: Now, listen Karl. There's an organization that sponsors the BAFTA awards--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --in terms of clothes and fashion; they've sent me a letter, they said, "Your partner", they've not specified the sex. They've said, "Your partner... can come along"--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: --"and choose an outfit." Now I expect, by the look of it, it is a women's outfitters. I'm thinking we could get you a lovely trouser suit.

Ricky: Why don't you have a trouser suit?

Steve: It may look feminine, right, but I think people will be fooled and they'll think it's a man suit.

Ricky: It'll just be, it'll just be a little roomy in the hip--

Steve: But that'll be fine.

Ricky: And probably narrow in the shoulders, but you're a bit skinny; why don't you just take it, 'cause it's a lot of an insult.

Steve: And maybe just some pearls as well. It'll be lovely.

Ricky: Wouldn't you, wouldn't you a--

Karl: Well, I haven't got anything sorted to wear yet--

Steve: See, you're slagging me off, you're likely to end up to be going in a track suit.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright?

Karl: I'm going out, I'm going out today. I've never bought a suit since I was, like, eleven, right?

Ricky giggles

Karl: I went to me brother's wedding, that's the last time I wore a suit.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Um...

Ricky: Really? And you can't get anywhere near it now.

Karl: Can't get, can't get into that--

Ricky: No.

Karl: --at all.

Ricky: No.

Karl: Em... that was a good day.

Ricky: What was it? What sort of suit was it?

Karl: It was, uh, like a-da-da sort of a gray-silver one.

Steve: Classy.

Ricky: Excellent.

Karl: Quite flairey.

Steve: Nice.

Karl: Um...

Steve: Well try and get something similar.

Ricky: A gray-silver one... Just think of that with your little round head, what did you--what did that look like?

Karl: I looked alright.

Steve laughs

Steve: Like he'd landed from the moon--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He'd just landed on earth.

Ricky: He looked like--who's the--safutsssa--the spaceman?

Steve: Yeah. They walk among us.

Karl: I didn't, I didn't really need to wear a suit, either, 'cause I didn't--I hardly went into the church, I was in the car park, right? And it was when me brother was in the army.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: And he a Ford Capri with one of them horns that go, "Doo da doo doo, doo da doo da doo doo doo"--

Steve: And you just sat there...

Ricky: Why didn't he, why didn't he come in his tank?

Karl: I just sat in that, doing that all day and the vicar was getting well annoyed with me.

Ricky: What, when the service was on?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: It was driving everyone up the wall.

Ricky: What do you, were you just allowed to do what you wanted when you were growing up? Like Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons? Did you just, were you just allowed--didn't matter--was there any discipline? You didn't have teachers, you didn't... did no one just... why didn't someone come out and--

Karl: I did, I got a couple of good hidings off me dad a couple of times.

Ricky: What for?

Karl: Just... being mopey most of the time. If I had a strop on, he'd hate that.

Ricky: He'd go, "Go out and burn something down or nick something but don't... don't wander round with your head down." Didn't he smack you for not liking a castle once?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: No, no, what's that? What's that?

Karl: We went to, uh, Carnarvan--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: for the day. And I was bored, it was at that age where I just wanted to go in an arcade. And me dad was saying, "Come and see the castle, you know, there's history here." And I still don't like castles. It's just one of them things, again, it's just too far back to sort of, even... think about people living in 'em.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know what I mean? So I was just like, "Look, it's a wreck, you know. Knock it down, flatten the thing."

Ricky shrieks with laughter

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And I was being really mopey.

Ricky: Isn't that great?

Karl: And it's weird, 'cause now, like me mam and dad have retired and gone to Wales and now and again he takes me there and everytime we get to the point where he gave me a clout, he goes, "Are you getting flashbacks, son?"

Steve: Yeah. Well, a sobering lesson for you.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You're not on the British Heiratige Commitee anymore, are ya?

Steve chuckles

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: "This is the national trust land..."; "Tarmac it."

Steve laughs

Ricky: "It'll be the biggest... car park in Britain... for Christ's sake."

Karl: So...

Steve: So, look--you're looking forward to the awards, are you, tomorrow?

Karl: Um...

Steve: You better say, "Yes," 'cause otherwise.

Karl: N--uh... no. It'll be-it'll be alright... I mean I've told a couple people and they got like, "God... you're dead lucky."

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But in a way...

Ricky: Awww... they're dead lucky. It's like Santa's coming, innit? I like the way people talk to Karl. "You're a lucky boy, aren't you? Going to the BAFTA's with Steve."

Karl: It's just a posh raffle at the end of the day though, innit?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: In a sense.

Karl: It's, you know, there's gonna be--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They give away some tights and cigars.

Ricky: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Chris Tarrant goes, "I found--I went into my parents house"--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: --"I found these just lying 'round."

Karl: No, but winners and losers. And, um--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --and food.

Steve: Yeah, quite, yeah. But what is exciting surely is the razzmatazz and the, uh, brushing shoulders with the rich and famous.

Pause

Karl: Mmm... I'm not into that.

Steve: You're not?

Karl: No.

Steve: I don't feel you're going to appreciate this as much as we thought you would.

Karl: It's weird 'cause Suzzane said to me this morning, you know, "Who would you like to meet there? Is there anyone who like, you know, who you can like get close to and it's like, 'God, you know, I really admire your, you know... big fan of yours' or whatever."

Ricky: And it's me and Steve, so you're here now.

Karl: Well, you know--

Steve: "I really admire, big fan of you"? I didn't--

Ricky: What did you say?

Steve: What did you say?

Ricky: Yeah, but--

Karl: You know, if you're a big fan of him.

Steve: Oh, right.

Ricky: Oh, right, yeah.

Karl: And uh...

Karl laughs

Steve laughs

Steve: Sorry.

Karl: There isn't anyone, really. D'you know what I mean... I like--

Steve: Isn't there?

Karl: You know, you two are alright. Um...

Ricky: Thanks.

Karl: Jonathan Ross, is he going?

Ricky: He might do, I dunno.

Steve: But hang on, wait a minute, I can't help but feel that we could have exploited this more, we could have maybe run a, uh, a competition, to let someone win.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, if you're not gonna appreciate it, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah. Are you gonna get a trouser suit? Are you gonna get a ladies trouser suit? I just think they're--if you go sort of like... looking macho and walking down with him, they'll know you're not really partners and I just think it's a slap in the face for BAFTA.

Steve laughs

Steve: That's true enough.

Karl: No, it doesn't matter what you wear though, look at Elton John--

Ricky: Can't you mince a little bit, can't you at least sort of like... walk a little bit mincey 'cause you've got such a macho, sort of Mac walk?

Karl: Elton John's fella' doesn't look gay in the stuff he wears and that, does he? D'you know what I mean? It means nothing.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: No, but that's because Elton's doing the work for him--

Karl: No, but--

Steve: --by dressing as, like some kind of Restoration dame.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. I love the fact that he dresses as Anne Witticombe--

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: --for special occasions--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: --and has his hair done like her. Th-tha-th-that's great.

Steve: Anyway, music.

Ricky: Yeah, I-I-I--this is a very underrated album. It's Richard Ashcroft's, um, Alone With Everybody and I know... it got a bit of a slagging, it didn't sell as well as it was 'cause people were going, "Oh, it's no Urban Hymns" and i-i-it, maybe it's not, but, um, he got criticized for being pop but this is a great tune on here, um, You Are My Mind In My Sleep and I-I-I think it's... really good.

Karl: Alright.

Song: Richard Ashcroft - You Are My Mind In My Sleep

Incomplete Transcript: Time: 28:38