06 April 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 06 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Make Ricky Gervais Laugh

Song: Travis - Flowers in the Window.

Ricky: That was the Travis and some flowers through my window.

Steve laughs

Ricky: This is Xfm 104.9 of a Saturday afternoon, just gone six minutes past one, I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant.Hi.

Steve: Hello there, hi good to talk to you.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington is over there.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Keeps it real.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Respect Karl.

Ricky Sighs.

Steve: Rick I just think, you know, we wanna lift off the show straight away.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Into the err stratosphere.

Ricky: Yeh.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And erm the best way to do that it seemed to me is to resurrect a game we used to play when we first began the show in old Xfm days .

Ricky: Oh yeh.

Steve: Do you remember the game, do you remember the game make Ricky Gervais...

Ricky: Rub,rub me hard.

Steve: Rub you hard? .

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: No that was only in the pilot we never actually did that live on air.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um no it was the game make Ricky Gervais laugh.

Ricky: Oh I remember yeh.

Steve: And we used to get people err, Karl you probably didn’t hear it, we used to get people to sort of send in pictures and err jokes and stuff. And if I could make Ricky laugh on air with those.

Ricky: He won a toffee.

Steve: Then they won a gift of some kind.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Anyway erm a lot of emails actually saying people love your laugh Rick, so in a sense were giving people what they want.

Ricky: They must be taking the mickey.

Steve: But this is a picture I found in today’s copy of the sun, so if err you're listening at home and you wanna know what the picture looks like rush out and buy a copy only 40p.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: And err.

Ricky: Are we sponsored by the sun, we do white van man.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: It amused me straight away this, because bear in mind.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It is one of the worlds biggest rock stars.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: Just check out the face.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh that’s fantastic.

Steve: Look at that.

Ricky: Oh that is Michael Stipe oh dear with sort of glasses... looking like I dunno some sort of Nazi officer.

Steve laughs

Ricky: That’s not libellous.

Steve: That’s not libellous, in your opinion Michael Stipe.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: He’s outside there during the press conference for Peter Buck's...

Ricky: It’s not a good picture. I love I think I love REM and I love Michael Stipe I think he’s a lovely man, but that’s a bad picture isn’t it.

Ricky laughs

Steve: He’s got big glasses on and stubble and obvious… he doesn’t appear to be looking at anything he’s looking right beyond everyone else.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Can you see that Karl.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I'll tell you who he looks like, he looks like Zig I think from Zig and Zag

Ricky laughs

Steve: He looks like he is a muppet….

Ricky: Well there you go. .

Steve: ..Made of foam.

Ricky: Nice to see that game come back.

Ricky: Yeh .

Steve: A roaring success.

Ricky: On the medium of radio.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Oh what a good picture that is I hope you enjoyed it. Coming up soon we’ve got Sir David of Bowie.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Nicholas cave, err and Travis, Flowers in the Window again.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a song.

Karl: Alright .

Song: Daft Punk - Aerodynamic

Have You Got Any Fromage?

Ricky: Aerodynamic, on Xfm 104.9 s’alright.

Steve: Uneventful wasn’t it.

Ricky: Really, like they left a sequencer going for a little while.

Steve laughs

Steve: Popped out for a coffee.

Ricky: Yeh I don’t wanna diss the funny little French lads.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: But err you know.

Steve: Try harder.

Ricky: Are they French?

Steve: Yeh oh god yeh.

Ricky: “Soreh”.

Steve laughs

Steve: Do you speak much French Rick?.

Ricky: I speak “un peu”.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: I can ask where is the tourist information bureau, and erm I like, I can express my preference in music taste, and I can order an Orangina, and that’s all I can do.

Ricky: I know un bière, blonde, pression, I think that means erm draught, you French.

Steve: Tu aime le music folk?

Ricky Sighs.

Ricky: That’s filthy. Do you know what that means Karl?

Karl: No go on.

Ricky: Really dirty.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Really dirty.

Steve: Tu aime le music folk?

Ricky: Yeh you dirty…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: ..You...

Karl: Doesn’t affect me.

Ricky: You filthy little.

Karl: Oh right.

Steve: Frenchy.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Alright?

Steve: Do you know much French Karl?

Karl: Erm, have you got any fromage?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That’d work.

Karl: Is that cheese or fish?

Steve: That’d be fine.

Ricky: Its cheese its cheese.

Steve: Would you not care which one you were given? You like both.

Karl: I think...

Ricky: That’s a whole different kettle of poisson.

Karl: Yeh. Yeh.

Karl chuckles

Karl: I just think when you’re in, in a country you should have a little go.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well.

Steve: That’s a very little go.

Ricky: Yeh you mean like football hooligans have a little go, what do you mean?

Karl: You know try and have a go at their err.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Their language and that.

Ricky: Well what I do is I go in there and I point and talk a bit louder than usual, in perfect English.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And if they don’t get it I go mental.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Secure in the fact that I’ve tried my best and they’re having a laugh.

Steve: And that is the prerogative of all Englishmen.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Or just point.

Steve: Point and shout.

Ricky: Yeh. Point and shout, don’t forget you know because you can never be foreign if your English anywhere, no.They’re speaking funny. Just remember that, yeh.

Karl: Yeh.

Steve begins to sing the British National Anthem

Steve: “God save our..”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sorry go on then you were going to say something else.

Ricky: Yeh erm that picture you were showing me was I wish we could post one on the website of Karl you know when we won that we won an award ages ago, what was it called? The British radio authority award.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: And erm we made Karl get in the picture, and he was a bit (inaudible) and everything but it came out nice, but his head is perfectly circular.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I put a coin on it, and it and only the ears popped out from behind the coin isn’t it perfectly round, isn’t it?

Karl: I mean when you’ve been saying I’ve got a round head, I was a bit like “yeh everyone has stop having a go."

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: And then I saw this picture last week, I thought “God he’s right."

Ricky: Can we...

Karl: It is...

Ricky: Can’t we just pop it on the Xfm website?

Karl: I’d rather not.

Ricky: Oh go on.

Karl: Steve have you seen that man in a jar without a brain?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sorry you’ll... is that something… is that a product you can buy?

Ricky laughs

Steve: In like Sainsbury’s?

Ricky: Is it a dream you had yesterday?

Steve: Man in a jar.

Ricky: “Yes hello, erm could you make my dream into reality please?’ “We can’t actually sir.” “In err plastic would be good.”

Steve: Sorry what do you mean...

Ricky: In the future you’ll be able to download your dreams and then just like act them out again probably in the year 2000 or summit.

Steve: Soothsayer.

Karl: No there’s some museum somewhere.

Steve: Yeh.

Karl: That’s got this little fella, who was born without a brain, and he’s in a jar and it’s just that he’s got a really round head.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And when I saw this picture I thought, god it just reminded me of this little fella in a jar.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Hold on what do you mean he’s born without a brain.

Karl: He was born without a brain.

Ricky: So it’s a baby?

Karl: Err.

Steve: It’s not a little fella.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Yeh but its weird.

Ricky: Do you know the difference, do you have conversations with like people in prams thinking that fella’s little and he doesn’t talk much?.

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: You know babies aren’t like little people?

Karl: We’ll maybe.

Ricky: Well they are little people but I mean they’re not, they’re not very small adults.They’re not like midgets.

Steve: They don’t do a job of work is what Ricky’s saying.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeh… what do you mean?.

Karl: I didn’t read about it I just saw the picture and…

Steve: This is where you’re going wrong Karl, this is always your mistake, you see the picture, you don’t read the little caption underneath.

Ricky: But what do you mean how…

Steve: You guess at what you think the meaning is.

Ricky: But how do you know he didn’t have a brain?

Karl: It said something like the brainless man.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeh but most people say that about you. It doesn’t mean literally you haven’t got a spinal...

Karl: No no. I bet somebody’s seen it and knows what I mean, it’s a famous picture.

Ricky: Right call in, 08700 800 1234, once again, you win a prize if you can tell us what Karl is talking about.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Just in general, it’s an on going competition.

Steve laughs

Ricky: We’ll try and find some CDs for anyone who knows what Karl is talking about.

Song: Stereophonics – Vegas Two Times

Ask Your Mother

Ricky: Stereophonics Vegas Two Times, well we've had calls confirming that theres was indeed a um faetus or, or a stillborn child.

Steve: A pickle baby

Ricky: A pickle baby, no wonder it died, born without a brain erm but everyone has um you know pointed out it wasn't a little fella.

Steve: It certainly wasn't a little fella.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: Yeah but because it had been in the jar for a long time I think it had aged a bit.

Ricky and Steve Laughs

Steve: What are you basing that on?

Ricky: You do carry on growing, yeah.

Steve: Of course

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Your ears and your nose

Ricky: Your ears and your nose and your eyes don't grow so er.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You could probably...yeah.

Karl: I'll dig it out for you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Imagine if, if like there was an experiment where they were raising a child just based on the information that we said on the radio.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: What kind of a person would they be?

Ricky: It was like download, yeah, yeah,yeah.

Steve: What kind of information would they have?

Ricky: And it took everything literally.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Nothing,yeah there was there was no irony or yeah, it was just.

Steve: It was just Everything we said it assumed was fact, everything Karl said they assumed was factual.

Ricky: And any question, any question it had about the world it could just ask Karl.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And it would be.

Steve: Now you see this worries me without wishing to be disrespectful in any way, you know I think your the best man on earth, when you have a child we could be in a situation a bit like that, is it a concern for you do you think when your son is growing or your daughter and there askin' you questions, your conscious, I mean yuo yourself have admitted.

Karl: I'd just say...

Steve: you have a sphere of knowledge which you are an expert on.

Karl: 'Ask you mother'.

Steve: You'd say 'ask your mother'.

Ricky: Thats good.

Steve: Thats great, fair enough.

Ricky: Thats good.

Karl: And I'd play with it, I think I'd be a good dad.

Ricky: Yeah I think you would.

Karl: But I wouldn't be the one shouting at it.

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, who would you get to shout at it probably Windsor Davis, he'd be good wouldn't he. "You horrible little man".

Karl: You know I'd tell it the rights and wrong, you don't have to be a really bright person to know rights and wrong in the world.

Ricky: No I think you are bright Karl.

Steve: You are, and at what point in their um in their life would you tell them the about evolution of the baguette? Which you told us the other week.

Ricky: Or the story of the bee.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: That you scored once.

Steve: Or the two children, would you ever get them to meet,as maybe I dunno they could be god-parents,the friends you had at school.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: With the webbed hands.

Ricky: The big heads and the webbed hands.

Karl: They weren't me friends.

Ricky: That weren't friends.

Steve: I wish we could track them down.

Ricky: Arr they'd be great.

Steve: I imagine they're in a zoo or something.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Oh wow.

Ricky: Or two big jars.

Steve: A safari park, yeah.

Ricky: Or two big jars, industrial strength jars.

If It Was a Chicken It Would Work

Ricky: Now again I broke the rules in the week I met up with Karl.

Steve: You shouldn't have been doing.

Ricky: I had lunch with him and we were chatting and having a cup of tee and it got on to one of Karl's favorite programmes 'the tales of the unexpected'.

Steve: Harr of course.

Ricky: And all i could think is that he's probably the only person in britain where they were unexpected.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I mean to him when that that twist came at the end he'd go "ohh gee i can't".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Oh god".

Steve: "I can't believe ".

Ricky: "So it was the tree that did it" I mean he's probably the only,and I and we were telling all these stories of horror and he liked horror stories and that and I told him this story and I don't know weather this will come across on the radio and I told him this story, it was a short, it was a horror short.

Steve: This was a film you saw was it?

Ricky: Yeah yeah and um it started of there was this car crash a horrendus wreck and you saw it from the point of view of the person in the car and he was calling for his mate and he was going "Dave" and he sort of he sort of looked over and saw a body without a head that had been thrown and he goes "oh no Dave Dave" and then in to the field of view came Dave his mate and looked at him with a look of horror then it sort of went black and you realised he was just a head and it had been his body.

Steve: Oh wow.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I said and then it came up at the end at the executions in the French revolution people experienced consciousness for you know and he went he wnet "ohh, no" he said "you wouldn't it wouldn't be for that long" and then he went "if it was a chicken it would work".

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Imagine remaking that film...

Steve: Two chickens.

Ricky: But with two chickens in horendus car crash.

Steve: Their own fault for driving, Rick.

Ricky Laughs