30 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 30 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

I Love Cox in the Morning

Ricky: New Order here to stay on Xfm 104.9, i'm Ricky Gervais, with me.

Steve: We're here to stay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Over the next 2 hours.

Ricky Laughs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: That's Steve Merchant there.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: We've got our producer here Karl Pilkington, we'll be talking to Karl a little bit later because erm we've got to have his thoughts on Esop's fables, continuing the education of Karl, and we've got some great music coming up.

Steve: Bloody good music.

Ricky: Little bit of err, ooh what have we got? Happy Mondays.

Steve: Badly Drawn Boy.

Ricky: Yeah all that, Bob Dylan.

Steve: All sorts.

Ricky: All sorts, coming up.

Steve: Yeah, Rick i don't know i just wanted to bring your attention to this err, someone passed this onto me, it's from the Guardian's media website there's a sort of website that's dedicated to media infomation.

Ricky: Is this about our complaint?

Steve: Well, the headline is "Comedian rapped over radio innuendo".

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Err Jessica Hodgson has written the article.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Are you familiar with this? Have you seen this?

Ricky: Well be careful now because we actually got a complaint, a lot of people don't know this, we got a complaint upheld, and erm.

Steve: Well all of this.

Ricky: We're very sorry we didn't mean to offend erm, and it was a while ago, so we are going to be very careful, Karl's getting very nervous. We're just going to read out, we're not going to editorialise Karl, we're just gonna read out what the Guardian printed about us. Alright?

Karl: Hmm.

Steve: "Comedian Ricky Gervais has had a dressing down from a broadcasting watchdog for his repeated use of the word Cock in a lunchtime radio show".

Ricky: That's alright, that's what it says Karl.

Steve: That's fine, this is, this is news.

Ricky: He's not going to say it again. Yeah yep. Go on.

Steve: Imagine this is the news and i'm reading it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The broadcasting standard commission upheld a complaint against the comedian for coarse sexual innuendo, in the program on London station Xfm. The commission acknowledge that the presenters remarks were intended to be humorous but took the view that the amount of detail of the coarse sexual innuendo had exceeded acceptable boundaries for a broadcast, said the Bs er BCS, in a statement. The complaint objected to a sexual the comics Saturday afternoon show when he discussed the different meanings of the word Cock, Gervais wondered aloud whether the word was acceptable when discussing birds, but not the male sexual organ. A BSC spokesman said the comedian "Went on and on about it for nearly 5 minutes" Xfm, a self-styled alternative radio station said in its defence that its remit was to provide cutting edge programs for a youth audience. The station said the programs brief was the include alternative comedy within certain shows that would not fit within a more mainstream radio station format. In this particular show, it was not the presenters intention to shock, when they took a humorous look at how the english language can be construed in different ways within different contexts. Gervias, who's big break was on channel 4's 11'O'Clock show has shot to household status through the portrayel of David Brent, the middle manager from hell in BBC2's cult show, The Office.

Ricky:

Just in case you didn't know who i was talking about.

Steve:

Exactly. Household name, but they thought you might not.

Ricky:

Yeah, you might not have heard of him but he is a household name. Now erm, that's good, that's good reporting quite right about it and just to remind people it was when Steve said, the only erm err bird that hasn't got a penis is the swan and i went on about the male bird being called a cock, but i couldn't use that to mean a you know. It was childish. But, what annoys me is i'm sure i've heard things on like radio 1 like that. What's her, wasser name err, in the morning? Sarah?

Steve: Err Cox.

Ricky: Yeah. And err, there's a DJ like Karl erm.

Steve: Err Cox?

Ricky: Yeah, so you've got, Karl. What's the matter? I was just saying, just saying there's a pair of DJ's on, you know.

Karl: Yeah but we've done this.

Ricky: And err.

Steve: But, what're you talking about, we're just talking about.

Ricky: Names! They're just saying their names. Now, i love Cox in the morning.

Steve: You're a big fan of cox.

Karl: Aww.

Ricky: And at night! What's the matter with you?

Steve: Come on Karl. Alright? We've taken it, we've been. Have you actually rapped over this?

Ricky: No, i don't know what that means.

Steve: Have you had a dressing down?

Ricky: No.

Steve: When did that happen?

Ricky: I don't know i was.

Karl: I was meant to tell yer, and i never got round to it but.

Steve: Ok, thanks then.

Karl: Don't do it again.

Ricky and Steve Laugh.

Song: Happy Monday's

Mongs

Ricky: Travis, Flowers in the Window on Xfm 104.9. Well, comin’ to that time where we do White Van Man.

Steve: Absolutely. With producer Karl.

Ricky: And uh, Karl’s gonna also be uh, telling us, uh, his, his slant on fables. On Aesop.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Um, I was out with Karl – I know I’m, shouldn’t be.

Steve: Well, I broke the rule as well last night.

Ricky: I know. I was out with him before, I think. And uh, we were just chattin’, and um, as you know uh, we’re uh, we’re going to Edinburgh. Uh, for a week.

Steve: Yeah, that’s all 3 of us.

Ricky: That’s all 3 of us, yeah.

Steve: It wasn’t – I just wondered for a minute there if there was some arrangement you two had made.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Like next weekend, just popping up there, seeing the sights.

Ricky: Yeah. No, we’re gonna do a week’s broadcasting from the Edinburgh Festival. And uh, you know, and Karl’s goin’, I bet you lie in, don’t you, and all this, and I was goin’, Well yeah. He wants to be up at half nine and out lookin’ at the sights!

Steve: God!

Ricky: You know what I mean? Yeah. But anyway, I said uh, Have you ever had haggis? He went, It’s black puddin’, innit? I went, No, it’s uh, uh, it’s mince. He went, I like mince. I went, Yeah, but wait. It’s mince, in a sheep’s stomach. All right? And he went, (sighs) What, they forcefeed a sheep, then kill it?

Steve hoohoos

Ricky: Imagine that, Karl.

Karl: It makes sense though, dunnit.

Ricky: No, it doesn’t make sense. They forcefeed a sheep mince, and then kill it. So it’s stomach’s nice and full, and they go, Aw, this one’s full, kill it, before it starts digestin’ it! Course they don’t. It’s a membrane, they’ve – and the other one, he was talkin’ about, um, he likes Richmond Park. He says, I like to see all the deers. I went, it’s deers plural, you don’t need to say, deers. I try and educate him whenever I can –

Steve: What’s that one? That deer is already plural.

Ricky: Yeah, deer is plur – I said, you know, like, sheep or, or fish, though you can say fishes. And uh, and uh, we said, Do you know the um, plural of uh, mongoose? Because a lot of people think it would be mongeese. It’s not. It’s mongooses. Do you know what Karl said.

Steve: Plural of mongoose.

Ricky: Plural of mongoose. Yes.

Steve: Plural of mongoose?

Ricky: It’s worth a competition. No it’s not, no.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Karl, what did you think the plural of mongoose was.

Karl: Mongs.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a record. After this, White Van Man.

Karl: Do you want to play, uh,

Ricky: Aw, let’s play a bit of Dylan, yeah. Um, this is – this is a, a, a beautiful track. It’s uh, Just Like a Woman.

Song: Bob Dylan – Just Like a Woman

Karl the Defense Lawyer

Ricky: Well, I think that’s a beautiful, record, uh, It’s by Bob Dylan, Just Like a Woman. And, Karl went, he’s got his headphones on, so he’s speakin’ a bit loud,

Steve: The harmonica’s playin’,

Ricky: In, in, in a whiny manc accent, when the harmonica’s playin’, That’s an annoying sound that, innit!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: God.

Steve: Oh, bless him.

Ricky: Bob Dylan. An annoying sound, there!

Karl: Did you hear, about,

Steve: The Annoying Sound of Bob Dylan! Can be a new album!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Just, just that sort of sound always reminds me of, uh, a one man band.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Have you heard the story about Leo Sayer, which his song One Man Band?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Years ago, what – what year was uh … Oh God.

Steve: I’m in the Mood for Dancing?

Karl: Uh, what’s the song? That he did? About a one man band?

Ricky: I’m a One Man Band, it was called.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Funnily enough. Go on.

Karl: He did that, one man band, and he was playin’ it, at the Dominion Theatre,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And apparently, whenever he played and sort of sang this song, he got the audience involved, and the line in it was,

Karl starts to sing

Karl: I’m a one man band

{Act:Ricky

Ricky: Nobody knows or understands, is there anyone there who can lend me a hand, to my one man band.

Karl: Right. That, and what he used to do, he used to reach out,

Ricky: Oh yeah,

Karl: And grab people’s hands, and then he’d walk down middle. Anyway. He said, will anyone lend me a hand, and stuck his hand out, grabbed like a hand, and was walkin’ down, everyone looked horrified, and some woman, who had like a plastic hand, had come off.

Ricky and Steve titter

Karl: And he was walkin’ down the middle of like Dominion Theatre with this plastic hand in his hand. And he said, Aw. That’s a moment I won’t forget.

Steve: He knows how to tell a story, Leo Sayer.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right! Well it’s time for White Van Man. This is where we ask Karl the questions that The Sun asks someone else.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: It’s an article in there where they ask some, you know, typical man on the street the uh, the big questions of the day, uh, gives ‘em their platform, to the nation, and we think this is just too good to – I mean, we only care about one person’s opinion , in the country now.

Steve: That’s true enough, it’s the K-Man, and there he is.

Ricky: There he is. Right.

Steve: Karl, your thoughts, please, on, Kylie Minogue slagging off Britney Spears for ignoring her fans at her premiere. Are you aware of that story?

Karl: No, go on.

Steve: She got boo-d at her, uh, premiere of her new film, Britney, ‘cause she um, she left her fans waiting for like an hour, some of ‘em had travelled up from Bristol, other parts of the country,

Ricky: 3000 of ‘em.

Steve: Loads of them screaming for her, she just went straight into the theatre, an hour late, just gave ‘em a quick wave and straight in, didn’t even bother to shake their hands,

Ricky: All cryin’, and slaggin’ her off,

Steve: Sign any autographs, so they were boo-ing,

Ricky: What d’you think of that, Karl?

Steve: And Kylie’s obviously said that was obviously outrageous, ya’know, and uh, you should treat your fans with respect. What d’you make of it?

Karl: Um … so she did wave.

Steve: Yeah, but literally as she was walking into the theatre.

Karl: Was it rainin’?

Steve: No, I don’t think it was.

Karl: Uhh,

Ricky: He’s like a defense lawyer!

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Who hasn’t really read the brief!

Steve: Exactly! He’s just wingin’ it!

Ricky: (can’t understand) is it rainin’? No? Aw, shit, I was relyin’ on that, um,

Karl: Was she running late for the start of the film.

Steve: Yes! But that’s her own fault! I mean, the people are inside. They’re not gonna start the film without her. It’s Britney Spears. She could take some time out. You know, when Tom Cruise came here, he spent like an hour and a half, shaking people’s hands, talking to people on their mobile phones, all sorts. That’s Tom Cruise. He’s a bigger name than Britney.

Karl: I know but,

Ricky: Smaller person, but he’s a bigger name.

Karl: What – what do people want, from people. Do you know’t I mean?

Steve: An autograph! Things like that! A photo!

Ricky: This one’s goin’ nowhere, Steve. Is there another one.

Steve: OK. Fair enough.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I thought, Yeah, you know, it’s not bad. If she had more time, she might have done it, on another day, I mean, I’m not feelin’ too good today.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But you’re gonna still take time out to sign people’s autographs, surely, when you leave the building!

Ricky: Yeah, there’s always a bit of a crowd, in’t there!

Karl: Next.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Uh, what do you make of uh, New York’s, New York’s ex-police chief saying we need more bobbies on the beat. He’s come over here, he’s the guy that sorted out crime in New York City, he’s come over here, he’s said You’re goin’ all over the place here, more bobbies on the beat, more policemen, or, a visible police presence,

Karl: There was, there was something last week about, some, some copper, in London, who was sat on, sat on a bench. Uhhh, and he was asleep. Or summing. And people were like outraged because like, He should be lookin’ after like, England’s people, not noddin’ off on a park bench. Which is a bit daft because,

Ricky: They were shoutin’, He should be lookin’ after England’s people!

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah! You should be looking after England’s people!

Ricky: Hey, was this the 16th century you went back to? What do you mean you should look after England’s people!

Karl: You know, wherever he was, if he was like in a park somewhere, they were like, really annoyed, ‘cause he was asleep.

Ricky: Sure. He prob’ly be undercover.

Karl: No, but the thing is, if there would have been any trouble, I’m sure he would have woke up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If there was any sort of, if someone needed help, and they screamed, he would have woke up. So I don’t know why they were ‘avin’ a go at him.

Ricky: Yeah? And he might, he might not have been there at all, so, you know, he was, he probably have his radio turned on, didn’t he. Listening to Heart.

Steve: So you’re not concerned then that there’s not, that the, the crime’s goin’ up,

Karl: I think there’s enough. I see quite a lot of ‘em whizzin’ around.

Steve: OK. You’re happy then.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: As long as you’re happy, Karl.

Ricky: You don’t think there’s too much crime.

Karl: No.

Ricky: Just the right amount. Just the right amount of crime.

Karl: Yep.

Steve: What about the fact that new gambling laws give Blackpool the green light to become a British Las Vegas. What do you make of that. Are you a gambler?

Karl: Little bit, when I go on holiday, like goin’ in the arcade, and havin’ a little flutter.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: What’s your favourite?

Karl: Uh, I have a go on the, the fruit machines,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: There’s a good one, called The Simpsons.

Ricky titters

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Is that your favourite?

Karl: Yeah, it’s quite good.

Steve: Is that a tie-in with the TV show The Simpsons?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: OK.

Karl: Um, will they make Blackpool the next Vegas. I don’t think so.

Ricky: No,

Karl: I don’t see it happening.

Ricky: No. You been to Blackpool?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: What – what’s it, what’s it, anything,

Karl: It’s a, it’s a bit rank.

Ricky: Is it?

Karl: It is a bit rough. Needs a, needs a lot of work doin’ on it.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Uh, no, that won’t happen.

Ricky: OK.

Steve: And you’re not worried about this encouraging gambling? Generally? Gambling’s not a vice you’re concerned about.

Karl: Uhh .. if you’re a gambler, you’re a gambler, do you know’t I mean.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: Blackpool isn’t done up, they’ll go somewhere else to have a flutter.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: So, it’s not gonna make any difference.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: OK. OK. Jolly good. Uh, what do you make of the So Solid Crew’s Ashley Walters being jailed for 18 months. Obviously not a very good example to his young fans.

Karl: He shoulda got more.

Steve: Do you think?

Karl: I had a dream about him the other night.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: About, about the group itself.

Steve: OK.

Karl: I had a dream that –

Steve: Were they all there? ‘Cause there’s a lot of ‘em. I couldn’t remember all their faces, to feature in a dream.

Karl: Uh, I had a T-shirt on.

Ricky: He had etcetera.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He had (two?) but then had had etcetra.

Karl: I had a T-shirt on,

Steve: You had a T-shirt on?

Karl: Yeah, and it said on the T-shirt, So Solid Poo. And I was walkin’ down the street, and they came towards me.

Steve: Wow!

Karl: They were just about to beat me up and -

Ricky: That’s a great dream!

Steve: That’s amazing! I love that that’s,

Ricky: For a 30 year old –

Steve: We’ve all had that anxiety dream!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh my goodness, what if I meet the So Solid Crew and I’m wearing a T-shirt that slags them off!

Ricky: I don’t believe it – yeah – you know, yeah.

Steve: So what happened? Did you get beaten up, in the dream?

Karl: It was one a’ them where, I woke up. D’ya’know how I’ve been tellin’ you that I keep gettin’ them things, where you feel like you’re falling.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: It was the same sort of thing, it’s like,

Ricky: You know I’m not a real psychiatrist,

Karl: Yeah, but you do know a lot about a lot.

Ricky: Yeah, I do. Thanks very much.

Karl: And you know, if I’m at home, talkin’ to Suzanne about something and, and I don’t the answer, I think, Aw, I’ll ask Ricky that, and we’ll see.

Ricky: Thanks.

Steve: But you know that, I think you might have mentioned it before, that apparently if you die in a dream, it means that you’re dying in real life.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, well that’s it. If you don’t, uh,

Steve: But apparently if you get beaten up by the So Solid Crew in a dream, it means you’re being beaten up by them in real life.

Ricky: Yeah! That is true!

Steve: (can’t understand) pummel in your face.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Terrifying! Absolutely terrifying.

Karl: So yeah, lock him up for longer.

Steve: OK. Finally, what’d you make of Halle Berry, becoming the first black woman to win the Best Actress Oscar? Did you see her speech?

Karl: Oh, got on me nerves.

Steve: Did it.

Karl: I mean, y’know, it is good that she won. It’s nice for anyone to win an award.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, she did go on a bit. And, you know, I, I’ve been in that same, sort of position,

Steve: What? Claiming an Oscar?

Karl: Well I got um, what I used to do at school,

Steve: OK.

Karl: If you did a full month, without bein’ off, you got a gold certificate.

Steve: OK.

Karl: And I did a month once, without havin’ a day off.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And I went up, and I didn’t, I didn’t do – make a fuss,

Steve: You didn’t start crying.

Ricky: Play it – Karl, play a record, mate.

Steve: Well done though. Were you the first kid in your school to do that?

Karl: I don’t think anyone else got the certificate, it was only ‘cause I was never in, they tried to encourage me to –

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: It was just for you! They mounted it an entire ceremonyjust to encourage you!

Ricky: The Karl Award!

Song: Belle and Sebastian – Legal Man

That's a Fable

Ricky: Wise words there, from Belle and Sebastian!

Steve laughs

Ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. All right, Steve.

Steve: Well, I mean, it is indeed wise words, Rick. I’m worried that people are gonna get out of the office now, into the sunshine, and not be listening to the show!

Ricky: There’s always the transistor radio.

Steve: That’s true enough!

Ricky: Uhh….. It is time.

Steve: Keep it low, though. Don’t want to irritate other people.

Ricky: No, I know. Yeah yeah yeah. Uh, and if you do want to irritate ‘em, spit on ‘em. It’s better.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Um, kick ‘em and throw little rocks.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: With me, Karl, K-Man Pilkington. We are now, we’re into this, way into the 2nd month of The Education of Karl. As you know, Karl got 1 GCSE, in History, an E. And uh, we’ve been uh, we’ve been cramming, haven’t we.

Steve: Oh Rick, before you mention that, can I just say something.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: We do, obviously we do this thing with The Sun, White Van Man, where we query, uh, Karl. And we were out with some friends last night and my friend Dan always listens to the show, and he said, um, Karl, you know, I love the bit when you answer questions in The Sun. Why .. do, do you ever know what the questions are before, they’re asked, or is that your first answer. And uh, Karl said, No, that is it, they don’t let me see what the questions are first, they don’t show them to me, and that always get, I always get really anxious and really paranoid. And I’m just wondering, have you seen the error there, Karl. Have you seen the mistake you’ve been making. Right? You’re worried, you’re worried that you didn’t get the questions beforehand, right.

Ricky: How could you, how could you,

Steve: How could you maybe combat that, do you think.

Ricky: How could you combat that, if you were really nervous, you know, comin’ up to like,

Steve: Maybe you wanted to sort of have some views or ideas beforehand,

Karl: Well, it’s it’s, it’s your error, innit. D’ya’know’t I mean. It’s your show. If uh, if you want to like, take a chance with me.

Steve: That’s not the point.

Ricky: Nonononono. His point is this: if you were really worried about that, how could you, how could you get hold of those questions in advance. Is there any way you could get hold of those questions on advance.

Karl: Yeah, but, is it always in – in today’s. Is it always in Saturday’s.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: So they don’t do that every day of the week.

Steve: They do, but I always take it from this Saturday’s.

Karl: Right. Yeah, I could. But that would cost me money. I’m not on enough as it is,

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Workin’ here on a Saturday.

Steve: OK.

Ricky laughs

Karl: How much is The Sun?

Steve: 30p.

Karl: Yeah, well.

Steve: You’re not made of money.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: I understand.

Ricky: Yeah. Um,

Steve: Actually, it’s 40p on a Saturday. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Ricky: Well, you were studying Aesop’s Fables, weren’t you, this week. Now uh, I’ve, I’m gonna very, be very liberal here, and let you talk about ‘em. I’m not gonna – it’s not a test, I’m not, hey man, just like chill out. I’m not this like rigid, sort of, you know, uh, boxing society, just, just tell us your views. Just tell us your vibe on Aesop. Tell us something. What have you learned, from his fables.

Karl: He uhh, made a bit of money out of something that’s quite simple. Uh,

Ricky: I don’t know if he did make any money out of it. I mean – it – you know – I think it was published like thousands of years after his death, but go on.

Karl: Yeah. They’re just, just little stories. I mean, enjoyed ‘em,

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: Didn’t really learn anything from ‘em.

Ricky: Or did, or did you, you see. ‘Cause it’s teaching through sort of like metaphor and analogy, and maybe, it all seeps in and it’s all subliminal, and maybe, in a way, your subconscious is teaching you,

Karl: No, it’s silly -

Steve: No, it’s silly, Rick. It is silly.

Karl: If, if the stories were done in like a real way, that there’s like a, a man and a woman, and, and it’s little stories that something happened to them in life, then you learn something. But it’s all about, you know, a gorilla and a fox are walkin’ through the woods. How often does that happen?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sure. So you’re saying if it was more, like, kind of,

Karl: If it was more true to life,

Steve: (can’t understand) you, maybe, (can’t understand)

Ricky: If it was more like real stories like, you know, a kid on his Grifter and a magpie pickin’, you know, peckin’ at his head. Or two frog boys with webbed hands. I mean if it was real stories from real life.

Steve: That people could believe!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Actually happened!

Ricky: Maybe, it would, you know, teach you something.

Karl: But why not do that, like take a real situation. Say like the So Sold Crew guy,

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Going down for carrying a gun. Use that in some way. D’ya’know’t I mean.

Steve: As a warning maybe about carrying guns?

Ricky: What about something like, if you carry guns and that is illegal, you, you could have some sort of punishment.

Karl: Yeah, that’s,

Ricky: Good.

Steve: It doesn’t bother you then that the fact that these fables have been used for many many generations, to educate maybe young children, or even older people. The fact that they’ve served a brilliant function and they’ve become classics, that doesn’t bother you? You’ve seen through them?

Karl: Well, they don’t always work!

Steve: OK.

Karl: Um, when I was out with Rick the other day, he, brought one up.

Ricky: Oh, I told him the one about the uh, the, the two mice. The Industrious Mouse, who, throughout the summer, he would be storin’ berries, nuts and berries, to be storin’ it, and the other mouse would just be eatin’ off the trees and runnin’ around and havin’ a laugh, and they go, You’re gonna be hungry, and he went, Oh, I’ll worry about that when it comes to it. And they’d do that, and he’d be storin’ his nuts and berries and autumn came, and the mouse was still, playin’, and not doin’ anything, and then, when winter came, and the, and the silly mouse was like shiverin’, and he went and knocked on the mouse’s door, and went, I’m freezin’ and I’m starvin’. And the, and the, clever mouse said, Well I told you, didn’t I. You know, you should’ve been storin’ your nuts through like I did, come in and share mine. You know. And uh, what did you say, Karl?

Karl: Well, and the moral of that is, whatever. Uh,

Ricky: Well, yeah, you know, sort of uh, just be careful. My thing is that it’s not very good because the moral of that is, Do what you want and there’s always a do-gooder to share their’s.

Steve: (can’t understand) Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, but the way I, you know, I think, which is more 2002. The endin’ should have been, uh, you know, the guy with all the berries, should’ve like, been like, Ah, I’ll be all right, come the winter. I’ve got loads of food. I’ll be safe. But then, as he’s goin’ in to his little hut, at the beginning of the winter, some sort of bus or something comes and kills him. And it’s like,

Steve: You should’ve partied hard, ‘cause you might die!

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Enjoy life whilst you’ve got it.

Steve: Yeah. And if winter comes, just starve to death!

Karl: Well, you know. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Steve: OK. OK.

Karl: That’s my (can’t understand)

Steve: See, I’m wondering if there’s a new book here. I really am wondering if there’s a Karl’s Fables,

Ricky: He’s been comin’ out with some all week! He keeps goin’, Well that’s a fable, innit.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: So, what’s your favourite fable in there. Have you learnt anything from this book. J- get - you know, is there one fable you liked.

Karl: Yeah,

Ricky: What did you like?

Karl: I mean they’re all, they’re all all right,

Ricky: What did you like?

Karl: Uh, you’ve thrown it on me now, there.

Ricky: Didn’t you like one about a crab, you said.

Karl: No, that was the one about messin’ about on a cliff edge or something. Don’t mess about on a cliff edge.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What was that?

Karl: I dunno. There’s not many around here, so I didn’t take much interest in that one.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: You know’t I mean? Um,

Ricky: I’m doing my best here. I’m trying.

Steve: You don’t remember any of them?

Karl: Here’s one – here’s one that was quite nice. Uh, there was a belly, you know like your stomach,

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, and there’s this belly on a pair of legs. And the legs were sayin’, I’m more important than you, ‘cause I carry. I carry you around. And the belly said, Yeah, but, you know, if it weren’t for me, ‘olding all this food, you wouldn’t have the energy to walk around.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, that means like, you know, rather than workin’ on your own, it’s best to work in a team!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Good.

Karl: So,

Ricky: Well, the one, the one similar to that, that I was taught when I was little was um, um, a vision of uh, heaven and hell. And uh, in, he went down to hell, and in hell, right, there was these, people had like twenty foot long, um, chopsticks,

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