Stephen Merchant Quotes By Topic

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This a collection of opinions and quotes from Stephen Merchant listed by topic.

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Karl Pilkington

"I remember the days when Karl didn't even want to be on the air, I remember the days when he was told by the establishment that he wasn't allowed to talk on the air, and now, it's like, as far as he's concerned, he's a third member of the team!" (On Xfm show 01 December 2001)

"Unless you've heard him, you can never really appreciate .. but he's like a real life Homer Simpson. The things he comes out with are extraordinary". (About Karl, on This Morning 11 December 2006)

"Talking of arse... here's RockBusters!" (On Xfm Shows)

"karls obviously outraged as his copies of the new scientist and the litary review havent arrived" (talking about the postal strike)

Ricky Gervais

"You are so annoying. Have you been with him trying to have lunch with Ricky? It's the hardest thing. You wander around for hours .. he has a tolerance level ... it's extraordinary. He is irritated by a car honking it's horn in the street... He gets annoyed by police sirens, by rain, wind, birds in the air, other people in the street, children particularly .. This is the thing! You are most irritating man I've ever met, without a shadow of a doubt". (Talking to Ricky and Karl, Xfm show 09 February 2002)

"What was so bizarre was that, having never acted, the whole character of David Brent just came out, fully formed. It was extraordinary. I'd never seen anything like it". (About Ricky, on This Morning 11 December 2006)

"Spending any length of time with you is one of the most unbearable things I've had to do... it's like .. hell... You are the sort of man who gets bored drinking a glass of water, because it's not flavourful enough...That's one of the reasons I hate you". (To Ricky, on Xfm show 07 September 2002)

"I do enjoy working with him enormously, he is such an amazing sounding board as well for any ideas, and you have a little idea of your own but he is just able to spin it on to a whole other dimension, and that's the thing I enjoy the most". (On the Jonathan Ross BBC Radio 2 show, 24 March 2007)

"ok make fatty laugh" (when ricky asked steve to stop saying his name)

"The thing ultimately that I really enjoy is sitting in a room with Ricky and coming up with ideas and making each other laugh, and that is a sort of thrill, and so, hopefully, long may it continue". (On the Simon Mayo show, 26 March 2007)

"Ricky gives me great confidence. He doesn't seem to have the qualms that I have. He's more anxious that he's perceived as a nice man, which he is". (In GQ, October 2007)

Women

"What are girls for?! Girls are for, em, great conversation. They're for enlightening men on all those aspects of life they don't really understand. They're for balancing up the human race. They're for making jokes about in regard to driving". (Chris Evans radio show)

"What do girls want? They want to... have fun? They want to have a good time. If they're Miss World they just want to change the planet and wish there was an end to injustice. What do girls want? If I knew that Chris I wouldn't be here with two blokes! I would not be here on a Saturday afternoon if I knew what girls wanted, believe me". (Chris Evans radio show)

"I had to say 'You're all my hos, but I can't choose between you. So I'm taking Karl'." (On taking Karl as his date to the BAFTAs in 2002, Xfm show 20 April 2002)

"I thought it was worth getting some condoms, because ... you know ... it's Christmas party season, and you never know when you're gonna run out of balloons". (Christmas podcast 2006)

"It's confidence ... the thing that always held me back was the fear of an embarrassing situation". (In GQ, October 2007)

Money

"If you invite a girl out to dinner, I don't see why she should expect a pudding". (On 1 Leicester Square with Russell Brand 25 September 2006)

"People say it's stinginess, Gervais would say it's stinginess. I don't agree. I'm my father's son, he's a man who's cautious with money. I remember my sister said to him once 'Why do I only get 20p by the tooth fairy, whereas all my friends got a quid?' and he said something like 'Because all the other tooth fairies have wives that work'". (On the Jonathan Ross BBC Radio 2 Show 24 March 2007)

Music

"To me, you know what new music is? It's music you've not heard before". (1st radio show on 6Music 14 January 2007)

"I never enjoy any record where I think I, or a 4-year old could have made it". (26 January 2002)

"if you think your gonna hear songs i dont like you are mistaken" (talking about the hit feature songs i like ) on xfm series 1 ep 7

Acting

"I can speak in this voice, I can look like this, and that's about it.... I can't learn lines for love nor money. I have to have them pasted up around the set, that's why I'm largely sat down, so I can have it in a drawer or on the computer screen". (On This Morning 11 December 2006)

His Body

"For a tall man, I feel like I have been a little bit short-changed". (Podcast Series 1, Episode Two)

Midgets

"With all due respect to any midgets listening.. they must be fairly easy to round up". (Podcast Series 1, Episode Two}

Gays

"I think if you sex with another bloke, you're generally considered gay". (The Ricky Gervais Show Video Podcast #5)

stuff

"bagles were invented so that people could play hoopla and eat afterwards" (xfm serise 1 episode 7)

"it got me worried what if the people responsible for the potatoes go on strike" (xfm)

"fred loves his job he's always yabbadabbadoing" (xfm)

"that was an accident waiting to happen" (refering to the opening sequence of the flintstones where the woman places the large ribs on the car causing it to tip) (xfm)