29 November 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 29 November 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 3

Free Buttplugs With Every Sale

Ricky: Don’t Steal Our Sun. Please lads. Thrills. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Little Karly Pilkington. Little baldy Manc whingin’ little twat. How are ya?

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Yeah I’m alright yeah.

Ricky: What are you doing? You’ve been a bit happier today. You look, full of spunk as they say in America.

Karl: Yeah well alright. It’s a bit miserable day though innit?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Bit miserable.

Ricky: Yea.

Karl: Uh. Walking in today, right? Do you know I walk through like the sort of the gay district of London an’ that?

Ricky: You don’t walk, you mince, don’t ya?

Karl: I was just walking through on the way to work. And I’m always interested in their little shops and stuff. Yeah right. There was a...

Steve: ‘Their little shops.’

Ricky: There’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to go in and buy something, go in and buy something.

Karl: I’m just havin’ a look at, you know looking in the windows and stuff. Um, little postcard just near the- just near the enterance. It’s meant to tease people in. You’ll go ‘That sounds good, I’ll nip in!’ Little postcard. ‘Free butt plugs with every sale’.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That’s great. How did we get from ‘5p off milk’ to ‘free butt plug with every sale’?

Karl: Well.

Ricky: What’s society coming to?

Steve: Well it’s because we’re liberated, Rick.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: You know it’s an open society.

Ricky: What did you buy to get ‘em? You didn’t-

Karl: No, I didn’t get any. But what, what’s the purpose?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What of a poster or butt plug?

Karl: Butt plugs. Because I really honestly don’t-

Ricky: You shove them up your ass, don’t ya?

Steve: Whoooa. Slow down. ‘Bum’.

Ricky: Wha-

Steve: ‘Shove them up your bum.’

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But when is that just like when you’re doing whatever, doing stuff around the house or?

Steve: I think it’s- Is it to kind of keep thing out? Is it like you would use a plug in the sink to keep water in the sink.

Ricky: Oh if your not gay. I know what you mean, yeah. No entry.

Steve: I mean what is it? I mean I don’t understand what they are for.

Ricky: I know. I assume it either feels good or they- well I’ve got to be careful here. Or they sort of like- breaking it in.

Steve: Right yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Like like, it’s like a shoehorn.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Or, it’s or-

Steve: It’s like when you stick paper in your shoes if they’re a bit tight.

Ricky: Or those people who sort of put little bits of wood in their lips and then soon they’ve got big plates in their lips.

Steve: Yeah yeah.

Ricky: Same as a butt plug. It means, you know, you’re ready for anything. I don’t know, do I?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Look at Karl’s face!

Steve: Well if you know what butt plugs are used for-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -then why not get in touch at [email protected].

Ricky: Phone in. What’d you think? If there’s any-

Steve: I can’t believe were already on this subject! We’re always, it’s already 5 past one and we’re already on this.

Ricky: I know. I was going to say then ‘If there’s any people who use butt plugs.’ And I was thinking Karl would’ve said ‘They’re not up yet.’ Cuz they go out late.

Karl: No but-

Steve: But what is the- we’re award winning people-

Ricky: Not on radio though!

Steve: -we’ve written a TV show that’s highly respected.

Ricky: Not on radio. We’re rubbish on radio.

Steve: I know but what-

Ricky: We’ve got nothing to lose.

Karl: But I always say to you Steve that I like educating people and that. Now the way I say, see it is that I didn’t know what they were. And-

Ricky: Phones are going! Someone wants to talk about butt plugs.

Karl: Alright. Well we’ll get to them in a minute.

Ricky: No get them on. Get ‘em on. Ask ‘em-

Karl: No cuz they might say something dodgy.

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: Yeah, where as! What have we been doing!?

Ricky: Just take a chance. Take a chance. And tell ‘em not to swear.

Karl: Well, you tell ‘em.

Ricky: Ok.

Karl: Alright Steve do you want-

Ricky: I haven’t got me headphones on.

Steve: Hello who’s there?

Nicholas: My name’s Nicholas.

Ricky: Hold on.

Steve: Who? Sorry?

Nicholas: Nicholas.

Steve: Nicholas, hello mate. Now you’re not gonna swear are you?

Nicholas: No, I’m not going to swear.

Steve: Keep it clean. Yeah, keep ‘em keen.

Nicholas: I will.

Steve: So, what, what are you calling about?

Nicholas: I’m phoning about your plugs.

Steve: About- well not my plugs, but sure plugs in general.

Ricky: What uh, do you know much about them?

Nicholas: No, I-

Steve: Are you a plug user yourself?

Nicholas: No, I’m just thinking if maybe you’ve got some gay friends and you’re spending the night at their place, you might want to use one.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right, so you mean you might experiment with them or?

Nicholas: No, so you can make sure they’re not going to do anything while you’re asleep.

Ricky: Can I suggest, can I suggest, um just you know, just lock the door.

Nicholas: That too yeah.

Ricky: I mean that is easier to me.

Steve: Can I make a bigger suggestion? That’s probably the most homophobic thing we’ve had said on the show today. Thanks very much for your call.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Right ok. So that’s why we shouldn’t put people on live. Just you know, without checking first. I think Karl’s made a good point. That’s the kind of listener we’ve got.

SM: God Gave Rock and Roll to Ya by Kiss on Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant-

RG: I’m bloody glad he did, Steve!

SM: Thank you, I am.

RG: Cheers.

SM: Karl Pilkington’s with us as well. He’s learnt some stuff while the song’s been on.

He’s had a couple of calls. One from a bloke. One from a woman who works in a sex shop. And you’ve learnt quite a lot. I could see your eyes widening. What have you learned about butt plugs.

KP: I haven’t really learnt anything. I don’t- I still don’t understand.

RG: Yes you have.

KP: No but, the woman was just saying, ‘You know, spices things up a bit.’

RG: Yeah.

KP: Well what do you need to do that for? The end result is always the same I think.

Ricky laughs

KP: So why complicate it? Do you know what I mean?

Steve laughs

KP: Are you with me though? These people who say they do stuff all night – it’s like, what’s the point? That’s why I like short stories and that.

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh, brilliant.

KP: So.

RG: Excellent. I wish people could see what he looks like when he’s talking about it.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Oh! In fact he’s in Heat next week, Steve.

SM: Right. Is he?

RG: Yeah yeah. They’ve put a picture of him. They could do the grab off the DVD. He’s in one of the scenes. And uh, he’s got his little picture in Heat and he hates it. Don’t ya?

KP: Well, bit annoyed cuz I didn’t want it in.

Ricky laughs

RG: Why you worried?

KP: Just don’t want people-

SM: Knowing what you look like.

KP: Knowing what I look like an’ that.

SM: Why?

RG: Well you’re on the DVD.

KP: Yeah but.

RG: It’s public domain, anyone can take it off of there and put it on the paper now.

KP: But that’s extras on a DVD. And I’m thinking not that many people- if they watch it they won’t take it in and stuff like that.

RG: What are you worried about then?

KP: Just, I don’t… like me brother and sister and stuff, who I don’t see anymore. If they know what I look like now, they might-

Steve laughs

RG: What do you mean ‘If they know what you look like now’? They’ve just got to imagine little Karl Pilkington with no hair.

KP: No, I’ve changed quite a lot cuz I work hard, don’t I? So I’ve aged quite badly. Alright?

Steve laughs

KP: And I’m just thinking if they-

RG: You used to have the hair of a Chinaman, didn’t ya?

SM: I’m sorry, but why, why is it a problem for your brother and sister to see ya and stuff.

KP: Cuz I don’t see ‘em anymore do I? And they’ll come out of the woodwork now-

RG: What what-

SM: They’re after your millions?

RG: No, no. So they’re sitting at home. They’re looking at Heat and there goes Karl- ‘Oh look Karl- Karl’s my broth- my brother. Oh. Maybe I’ll go and see him.’ I don’t want that hassle.

SM: But they can find out where you are at anytime.

RG: What’s the hassle then?

Pause

KP: It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that.

Ricky laughs

RG: You mean this, don’t ya?

KP: Yeah it’s- you know that I’m not into being, you know, having mates and that.

SM: But if either your brother or sister came to your door, would you not welcome them in, welcome them in and give ‘em a cup of tea?

RG: Do you know what? He bumped into his sister. After about 7 years in a carpark somewhere, right? And she went ‘Oh I got a picture of, of my new kid. Do you want to see it?’ He went ‘Not really, kids look the same.’ and she went off in a huff.

SM: Unbelievable.

KP: Yeah but. That’s the problem though innit? She hasn’t seen me for years and years, that’s the way I am. I’m not like being rude or anything. I’m just- says what comes in me head.

RG: Oh, don’t give me that! Don’t do that ‘I’m not rude. It’s what comes in me head.’

SM: That’s a rubbish excuse. ‘Know me, know me ways.’

RG: Yeah.

KP: Right, am I wrong then? Let’s look it. Let’s look at what was said-

RG: ‘Ayyyy. There’s nowts a balmacakes. Know me, know me ways. Get out you twiddleflaunt.’ What is that? What sort of philosophy is that? ‘Know me, I’m rude and take it or leave it.’

KP: I’m not being rude.

SM: You are being rude!

KP: What, saying that all babies look the same?

SM: It’s your nephew!

Pause

SM: You didn’t even bother to have a look. You could’ve been courteous and look at the picture.

KP: If it was her first, I’d say ‘fair enough’, but she’s got loads of kids.

SM: Oh fair enough then.

Ricky laughs

SM: What kind of woman is she?

Song break

RG: David Bowie. Lady Stardust. From Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. I went to see him Tuesday and I know you went to see him Wednesday, Steve.

SM: Mmmm.

RG: I mean, obviously I’m a mental fan, but I think objectively that was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen.

SM: Yeah, it was brilliant.

RG: He’s got the best band in the world. He’s- it- he played all the hits. It was an amazing show. The sound was incredible. He- do you know what I mean?

SM: His voice as well. I think people don’t know how incredible his voice is.

RG: Incredible. It was absolutely

SM: Soulful is the word I’d use.

RG: Brilliant. Yeah yeah. It was absolutely brilliant. You- you don’t care do you Karl? You don’t care about this.

SM: You never really go to gigs, do you Karl? The live music experience is not something you enjoy.

KP: Uh. Can be alright.

RG: Yea- go on.

KP: I heard someone else who also went to the Bowie thing said that, he kinda messed with the songs a bit, which would annoy me.

SM: No he didn’t.

RG: Not really. Hardly at all.

KP: He said when they did uh, Life on Mars he said they were saying something about, uh, just- just the tune of it. They messed with it, so it wasn’t the same. That would annoy me.

SM: What would do-

RG: But but, we’re not talking Bob Dylan or Sinatra. He- it’s the… he adlibbed a little bit I suppose and it’s his song. But, it was totally faithful. He was singin’ the songs. What’d you mean?

KP: Yeah, well it’s just, don’t mess with stuff. It’s like if you went to see Titanic and the boat didn’t have a crash. You’d go ‘What they doing? Oh they’re messin’ with it.’

RG: He didn’t, I’ll tell ya, he didn’t mess with it. Relatively speaking, he did not mess with the songs. They were brilliant renditions.

SM: That would be a hell of a film though, where the Titanic made it to New York, absolutely fine.

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh, Karl. Oh you’re amazing.

KP: It’s because I work here though. And there’s a lot of gigs going on all the time. You get to a point when, you know, you just go ‘Oh, I’m a bit fed up with that.’

RG: Well, when was the last time you went to a live experience?

KP: Uh.

Pause

KP: Well, I’ve been to gigs but the one that springs to mind probably is when I first sort of tried a gig out. And it wasn’t a music one. It was Bottom. You know with-

Ricky laughs

RG: Bottom, what, Bottom the live thing?

SM: With Rik Mayall and-

RG: When was that?

KP: Years ago. It was in Manchester in about, dunno, ’87, ’88 or something. An’ uh I was set up for like uh, blind date, right? A mate of mine sort of set me up to see this.

RG: What, so you said ‘Let’s go to Bottom.’?

KP: Well, I didn’t tell her, I just said ‘Meet us at the Apollo.’ Uh.

RG: I bet she was over the moon, wasn’t she?

KP: At 8 o’clock. Met her there, said ‘Right.’

SM: Romantic.

RG: Going to see middle age men run round in pants. Brilliant.

KP: Well, it- it- it’s one of those things that afterwards you’ve got something to talk about and stuff.

RG: So it was, uh, was it a good gig?

KP: Yeah, it was alright. Uh, sort of bought some Opal Fruits and that at the start of the night.

RG: Yea.

KP: Uh, think she liked that. And we watched Bottom than afterwards had a bit of a chat.

RG: You didn’t see her again I take it.

KP: I would’ve done, right? Cuz she was alright looking and everything.

SM: Yeah.

KP: But when we were chattin’ she said uh, she had a problem with her marrow.

RG: What?

SM: She what?

KP: She had a problem with her marrow.

SM: ‘She had a problem with her marrow.’?

KP: Yeah.

RG: I-

Pause

SM: You mean her bone marrow?

KP: Yeah-

RG: Oh, I thought you meant she had one stuck up her fanny.

KP: No just the-

Steve laughs

SM: Thanks for that Rick. That’s an image I can’t get out of my head.

Ricky laughs

RG: Marrow, her marrow.

KP: Is that serious, that? I just was put off it. I thought-

RG: Well I think it’s more serious than a problem with ‘amarrow’.

SM: Yeah.

KP: With ‘er marrow. Marrow an’ that...

Ricky laughs

SM: It’s an idea if you’re bored with butt plugs.

RG: I love it. It’s- I love it. Everything he says. It’s like sommat from Kes.

KP: I just that thing that-

RG: You didn’t want to go out with a girl that might be ill in some way.

KP: Well, yeah I thought what’s the point in spending time with her, spending money on her and stuff if she’s gonna die on me.

RG: OH!

KP: No no no! But seriously.

RG: GOD!

KP: No but- I’m just- see this it what annoys me. You ask me to be honest, but I’m just saying what’s the point in me getting upset and stuff…

RG: I know but it’s not the- it was the one thing, ‘What’s the point in spending money on her, she’s gonna die anyway.’ You’ve got to realize that’s not a normal thing to say.

KP: No, but what’s the point in getting to really like to knowing someone, and thinking ‘Oh she’s really nice. I want to spend me life with her.’ It’s good that she told me when she did.

Ricky laughs

RG: Karl! What during Bottom?

Ricky laughs

RG: I can’t- this is just the most amazing thing you’ve ever said.

SM: But what do you-

KP: Steve don’t you, don’t you understand what I’m saying?

SM: But no, what, well firstly it’s the assumption that she’s gonna drop dead and you’re gonna-

KP: I don’t know what it means when you’ve got a problem with your marrow, but she looked pretty serious when she was talking about it. So I was like ‘Oh.’

Ricky laughs

RG: Ha! Christ almighty. Oh-

KP: I don’t understand what’s so bad about it.

RG: Play a record. I’ll tell ya. I’ll explain to you during the break. Play a record.

KP: Libertines?

RG: Yeah.

SM: If you’re morally objectionable, why not e-mail [email protected].

RG: It’s ok, he’s an idiot.

SM: True.

Song break

KP: Molly’s Chambers, Kings of Leon on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Steve.

SM: Yes.

RG: I want to talk to ya. Uhh, I think it was, it might have been Wednesday night. I was in the pub. Phone goes. Karl goes ‘Are you watching that thing about parasites?’ I went ‘No, I’m out.’ He went ‘Aw. Fella with a maggot in his head.’

SM: ‘Fella with a maggot in his head.’?

RG: Yeah. And he went ‘Aw, he’s pulling it out now, aw. Oh god.’ I said ‘Yeah, well I, I’ll get it. I’ll get it. Yeah. See ya later.’ ‘Bout five minutes later, I get a message on my phone -beep beep- I look at it. It just says ‘Oh no. There’s a fella with a fish up his cock now.’

SM: ‘There’s a fella with a fish up his cock.’?

RG: Yeah.

Steve laughs

SM: Right. Ok…

RG: Do you want to explain that, Karl? Is it one of those little ones that swim up if you’re having a slash in the Amazon?

KP: Yep.

RG: Yep.

KP: That’s weird innit? But- but it was stuff like that. It started off with like uh.

RG: What does the fish do when it gets in there?

KP: Just sits there.

RG: Why does it? Why?

KP: Well, what else can it do?

RG: No, but why does it go up there?

KP: Uh, dunno didn’t listen to that bit.

Ricky laughs

Steve laughs

KP: Listen. There’s a bit- there’s a bit that started off with a fella who uh, had a bit of meat and got a tapeworm inside of him. And he grew it for uh, however long. And it came out the other end and it was 7 foot long.

RG: On purpose?

KP: Yeah, he did it on purpose. Yeah, for the program. Alright?

RG: I think, yeah. Probably slimming, innit?

KP: Well I was thinking that. Could- you know. I mean you’re a fan of Waller. Could he purposely have about eight of them?

SM: Haha, what, Rik Waller?

KP: Yeah.

SM: It’s a good idea.

KP: Cuz they were saying how they eat, a lot of stuff when they’re in you. They just eat-

RG: Well, they take enough so you don’t die and nor do they, yeah. I mean you’ve got to keep taking them out, haven’t ya. Cuz you’ll still have the same weight, cuz it’s gotta go somewhere. So you’ll have them in ya. What you’ve got to do is like, let them eat your meal and then take them out.

SM: Do you think WormWatchers will catch on?

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah.

KP: So yeah, so anyway that happened, right? And then uh… Yeah, there was a woman with a maggot in her head.

SM: A woman with a maggot in her head?

KP: Yeah, she just went on holiday and it got in there somehow. And uh-

RG: Stowaway.

KP: It just- it- it was massive. And the thing is, she had a hole in her head. And she’s there being interviewed with the doctor like. And you can see it, just sort of sticking its head out like… Do you know when you see a cartoon with a maggot in an apple?

SM: Yeah.

KP: And it looks out. And looks around like that.

RG: Why didn’t they just take it out there and then?

KP: I think they could’ve done, but the doctor’s messin about. He’s like, ‘It’s good for the show, innit?’

Ricky laughs

KP: And they left it in there.

RG: Right that’s libelous. That is libelous.

KP: Well- but I found it weird. Why not just grab it? When-

Ricky laughs

RG: There must be a reason. There must be one of those medical reasons that you don’t really know about Karl.

KP: Alright. And another bit, this was the best one, right?

RG: Ha! Grab it.

KP: There’s this fella. And he was, uh, he was on his bike, right? Cycling. Cycling to work or whatever. And uh, he sort of sees this thing out of the corner of his eye.

RG: Literally in the corner of his eye? Or you mean he saw something in his peripheral vision?

KP: He just saw something and said ‘What’s that?’

RG: Yea.

KP: So he thought ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter, whatever.’ And he uh, he stops off at a café. Right, get a little scone and little tea or whatever. And he goes in there and he’s sat down. And the waiter comes over, says ‘Yeah, what do you want?’ He says ‘I’ll have a scone and a tea.’ He goes ‘Alright then.’ So he goes to get it. Comes back. As he puts the tea and the scone down, his face is like what-what is that, right? Like a look of frightenedness on his face. Drop the tea and legs it. So the fellas going ‘What what what?’ So he legs it after the bloke and goes ‘What?’ And he says ‘Something came out of your nose, that was massive.’

Steve laughs

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh god.

SM: Sorry, something came out of the guys-

KP: It’s all true because people would’ve watched it. So don’t start saying it never happened.

SM: Sorry, I just want to clarify. The guy on the bike-

RG: I don’t believe he ran away. I don’t believe he legged it. I don’t believe he had a look of ‘frightenedness’ on his face. And I don’t believe he said ‘Something massive came out of your nose.’ I don’t even believe he had a cup of tea and a scone. These are the things that I think are embellished.

Ricky laughs

SM: But who had something coming out of his nose. Was it the guy serving the scone?

KP: The one who was on the bike who ordered the scone.

RG: Yeah, but-

SM: Coming out of his nose?

RG: But what was it came out of his nose?

KP: So-

Karl laughs (!)

Ricky laughs

KP: - he goes home thinking ‘I’ve got to sort this out cuz it’s not good and that.’ So he’s sat-

RG: But what, it’s up his nose- it just poked out of his nose, it didn’t come out?

SM: It just said ‘Hello’ and then it…

KP: It was like the maggot in the head. It just popped it’s head out, had a look around and went back in.

SM: Why did the bloke- why did the bloke drop the tea and run?

KP: Well, it’s weird innit?

Ricky laughs

SM: Alright, so he goes home…

KP: So he gets to home and he goes ‘Oh god’, you know. So he sits in front of the mirror and he’s sat there waitin’. This thing comes out. Uh, again, sort of looks round, goes back in again. So he goes ‘Ohh.’

SM: No scones. Not interested.

KP: So he goes ‘I’ve got to sort this out.’ So he goes to the doctor’s. ‘Doctor, I’ve got something up me nose, something huge coming out having a look around and going back in.’ Steve laughs

Ricky laughs

RG: Didn’t say that.

KP: So the doctor’s going like ‘Oh, never heard of that before.’ Right?

RG: Didn’t say that.

Karl laughs (!)

KP: So he’s sat there. Does it again. Doctor looks frightened again.

RG: Runs away?

SM: Yeah. Well he’s got a look of ‘frightenedness’.

RG: He had a look of medical ‘frightenedness’. He dropped his stethoscope and legged it.

KP: Nope. He said- he said ‘I know what it was.’ ‘What?’ ‘You’ve got a leech up your nose.’ He had a leech about that long.

RG: Well, it’s radio.

KP: Well how long is that?

RG: Four inches.

KP: Four inches coming out of his nose. Next time it stuck it’s head out he grabbed it, pulled it out. That’s horrible though, innit? Innit?

SM: Can I just remind people, uh, just let people know when Karl was saying ‘It was about that long.’ and Ricky said ‘Four inches.’ He was using his fingers.

RG: Oh yeah, he didn’t have his- no. SM: Something else.

RG: Feller out. No.

SM: So he had a leech up his nose? How’d he get the leech up his nose?

KP: Dunno. Again, not bothered about that bit.

Ricky laughs

KP: All the footage and stuff.

RG: Oh, play a record.

KP: Brilliant program.

SM: Yeah.

RG: It’s just the same, he just sees that, he gets fasc- he doesn’t read on.

SM: Mm.

RG: His education is just, sound bites, bites and … self-embellishment in his own head.

SM: Yeah.

KP: Well (can’t understand) ‘cause people --

RG: It’s like, he gets all his news from Ananova and he just reads the headlines.

KP: No.

SM: Yeah.

RG: And he just doesn’t bother readin’ it –

SM: Well you know he, he considers that education.

RG: Well –

SM: He gets annoyed if you think that you, more information is useful.

KP: See, don’t get goin’ on that. We’ll talk about that later. If you’re gonna start havin’ a go –

RG: Oh! I’ll tell ya what. Right. OK, after, OK, we’re gonna play a song now, and um, I’m gonna tell, London, Karl’s confusion over evolution.

SM: Right.

KP: Bit ‘a’ U2?

RG: Oh, brilliant.

SM: Sweet.

RG: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh….

SM: 104.9 Xfm

RG: Yeahhhhh.

song SM: U2, The Sweetest Thing, on Xfmmm. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

RG: So, we’re with Karl in the week, seein’ what we can do this week. I said don’t do Rockbusters, that’s dead in the water. Hope the uh, hope the uh listening public agree with me. Um, he’s goin’ Well, why’d’cha teach ya stuff again, remember what I taught ya last week, I went, No, no idea. What, you’re jokin’. I went No. Um, it was, he went – Ivan the Terrible, gouged out a fella’s eyes.

SM: Yeah.

RG: He actually said ‘Ivor the Terrible’ at the time, so –

SM: Yeah. I can’t remember, this was a man who had built something for Ivan the Terrible and then Ivan gouged his eyes out?

RG: Yeah. B-but his idea of education is telling someone something that knows more about the subject than him so they can correct him when he’s telling ‘em it.

SM: Yeah.

RG: And uh, so I said Well – I don’t know – (sighs) – and he gets annoyed that me and you are dubious against monkeys who perform bank robberies, and he goes But you believe in Newton!

Steve laughs

SM: Yeah.

RG: He doesn’t know the difference. I was tryin’ to explain to him the laws of the universe, right, he was goin’ What, what, what’re ya—and so all I could come up with I said, I thought somethin’ interesting – you know when you tell a child maths, you say you’ve got 3 potatoes and you’ve got 4 potatoes,

SM: Yeah.

RG: I have to do that with science to Karl,

SM: Yeah yeah yeah.

RG: So what I ended up, I said imagine you’re in a shopping trolley with loads of house bricks. If you throw the house bricks out, you’ll go the other way. He loved that.

SM: Right.

RG: He ab--- Didn’t ya?

KP: Mm. Because I didn’t know, that, that, that would happen. And, it’s, it’s sort of useful to know, it sort of explained a bit to me and stuff.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

KP: Right. And that’s that’s why I like doin’ stuff, every week, I think listeners go away, going Well I didn’t know that. Y’know what I mean. Karl taught me something there.

SM: Karl. They forget it instantly, just like we do.

KP: They don’t.

SM: We’re friends of yours, and we forget it instantly.

KP: No, the annoying thing with you is, Steve, not so much with Ricky, at least he’ll listen now and again, you’ll just dismiss stuff straight away.

Ricky laughs

SM: But Karl –

KP: I taught you loads of stuff yesterday , I taught you loads of stuff.

SM: But Karl, what you consider education,

Ricky laughs

SM: W—hang on – what you consider education, I consider tittle-tattle.

KP: Well..

SM: It’s not education. D’ya’ know what I mean? You seem to think it’s education. It’s just kind of, gossip, stories you sort of half-read,

KP: Right. All right, example of yesterday. Goldfish have longer memories than people think they do.

RG: Yeah?

KP: You said, "No, that’s rubbish."

RG: No we didn’t, we said "Where’d you get that from?"

SM: No! We said "Where’d you get that question from?"

RG: We said "Oh really?"

SM: There’s not enough information there for it to be educational, because ‘longer than you think’ –

RG: Because it’s relative—

SM: I don’t know—

RG: Because, because the, because that as a statement, it has no objectivity. Goldfishes memories are longer than some people think. That isn’t a fact.

Steve laughs

SM: Exactly.

RG: ‘Cause we don’t know how, how long do people think a goldfish’s memory is? Do you see what that isn’t a fact, whereas Lawton – uh, uh – Newton’s, uh, laws of physics and the universe, are.

KP: All right, all right, but it was just a little thing. Uh, and I taught you more than that, I said, I said about, there’s loads of Chinese people, you put ‘em in a line, you can’t get to the end of it.

RG: I don’t know what that means!

SM: I don’t know what that means.

KP: There’s, there’s loads of Chinese people.

SM: We know that. But what? If we put them in a line we can’t get to the end of it?

RG: Just, just say there’s about a billion Chinese people in the world.

KP: But what really annoys me is, right, I read somethin’ on the internet the other day, ‘cause I’m always tryin’ to learn stuff,

RG: Yeah, I know you are, I know you are, yeah,

KP: Right. And you’re having a go at me, because you’re sayin’ Well, what does that mean, yet, there was a report on, I think it was Ananova, or BBC News website, it said, "The world may end in 32 million years." Right, first of all it said ‘may’, doesn’t say it will, and 32 mill—who’s gonna argue with that? And yet they, they’re allowed to put that on a website, you’re not havin’ a go at them,

SM: No, but Karl –

RG: But you didn’t read on!

SM: There’s more information there!

RG: It wasn’t mean—that wasn’t meant to be a newsflash, to worry people, that was like, that was like, Oh scientists have discovered the possibility that – that was just like—

KP: Yeah, but again, possibility.

SM: No, but Karl, there’s 8 other paragraphs that you haven’t read, you see that all has to give explanations as to why they think that might happen.

KP: Didn’t need to, didn’t need to read it.

SM: So therefore it becomes a news item, it becomes educational. It’s not just the headli—the bullet point—y’know the headlines are just supposed to draw you in, to the story, so you read on. That’s not all the information.

RG: But then I was tryin’ to come up with things to, um, to excite him, I realized that I was, opening a can of worms. Um, I was tryin’ to come up with facts for him, he said Give me facts, so I said, um, I said, oh, OK, uh, "why can’t an owl, why does an owl have to turn its, sort of head, 180 degrees? I said it’s ‘cause the eyes are so large, it has a huge focal point for its sight, that it, they can’t move within the skull. All right? And he went, Well why’d they do that? Why didn’t they just do it, give ‘em normal eyes, and, not have to have ‘em turn their head? I went, What do you mean, Why didn’t they? He goes, well whoever did that. I went, Well it was evolution, It was (mutters). He went, it’s like giraffes, I read that giraffes grew their necks to eat food—I went, they didn’t grow their necks, to, get the food, uh, the ones that head upshots lived longer to grow the food and passed on their---- He went, Yeah, but why didn’t they just give ‘em wings? I went Why didn’t WHO just give ‘em wings? He got angry and went, WHOEVER GAVE ‘EM THE NECKS!

Steve laughs

RG: The- his understanding of evolution made me fall on the floor!

SM: Who do you imagine is they, ‘cause you don’t believe in God, do you, so who is it you imagine is they?

KP: Well, whoever made us, sorted us out.

Ricky laughs

SM: WHO??

KP: I don’t know! It just happens, dunnit?

RG: Yeah! Exactly!

SM: Well Karl, listen, I –

RG: There’s no will to evolution, it’s natural selection.

SM: I ---

KP: I still don’t get it, though. We talked about, about an hour about it –

SM: Yeah, but to be fair, I watched as Ricky tried to give you actually what was quite a concise and educated version of evolution, he tried to explain it to you, and I have never seen a person lose interest quicker.

RG: But I used, I, I tried to use, uh, actual fact, then I tried to use metaphor and analogy, then I showed you some computer programs to show what biofeedback was, and I tried all these things, and Steve’s right. You were lookin’ out the window.

SM: Have you ever spoken, Karl, to someone who’s got Alzheimer’s disease? And you tried to explain who you are, and they’re listening, and then they – that’s what you’re like. It’s extraordinary. But listen, seriously, I found this book. I found a couple of facts which I think are more up your street. Evolution is a little bit complicated. Little bit big. But this one I think, I think we may’ve mentioned it before. I think you’ll like this. This is from a book of facts and trivia. “The Egyptians trained baboons to wait on tables”. That’s interesting to you, innit?

KP: Yeah, that’s pretty good. Have you got any more there a’that?

SM: I’ll see if I can find any more --

RG: Oh, he’s interested! Couldn’t get the staff –

KP: That did happen, yeah?

RG: You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

SM: That definitely happened, yeah.

KP: And then what did they go off and do after that?

SM: Well it doesn’t say, see this is it --

RG: I love the fact that he thinks, right – OK, so in his mind, now the monkey goin’ It’s 5:30, I’m off, you know I was goin’ home early today! And they go off maybe dancin’ or summat, maybe come in late, or –

SM: No, I think he’s, I think he, well I assumed what he meant there was that was their first career move, and they went on –

RG: Yeah! Yeah!

SM: It’s like actors waiting to be discovered!

Ricky laughs

RG: Play a record!

SM: Just one more, before you play a record. You’ll like this. Peter the Great, you ever heard of Peter the Great?

KP: No.

SM: OK, well anyway, Peter the Great had his wife’s lover –

RG: Oh --- you’ll love this Karl.

SM: Executed, right, so he, his wife had a lover, he had him executed, and he put his head into a jar of alcohol, and his wife had to keep it in her bedroom. Do you understand that? So every time she saw, every morning she’d wake up and there was her lover’s head, in a jar.

KP: Who took his head off? He took his own head off,

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh, for Christ sake!

SM: Play a record.

RG: Play a record.

SM: She had a lover, oh, nevermind. Nevermind.

RG: Forget it! Forget it!

song

SM: Mad World on Xfm. We just had a (laughs), we just had a text, Rick, from Andrew Barnes. He said did, he watched the same documentary, it would appear, as Karl did in the week, and he says here, Just to clarify, the leech-nose man got it up there when drinking from a muddy stream. Uh, and he goes on. One can only imagine the frightenenness he experienced.

RG: Oh! Oh Karl!

Steve laughs

RG: Explain to him once more, what, what happened with Peter the Great.

SM: OK, so we’ve got Peter the Great,

RG: Yeah,

SM: OK, and his wife had a lover -

RG: That’s another man.

SM: Another man.

RG: Not Peter the Great.

SM: She was having an affair, with someone else.

KP: Right.

SM: And Peter the Great, he found out about that, OK, so he sliced off this bloke’s head, he killed him, he executed him –

KP: Right.

SM: Y-you with me so far.

KP: The, the feller who, who,

RG: Oh, Jesus.

KP: She was, she was seein’ for a bit.

RG: Yeah, there’s only two fellas involved here,

SM: There’s two people involved. One’s Peter the Great,

KP: All right, all right.

SM: The other one’s NOT. The guy that’s not Peter the Great,

RG: Der-derrick the Terrible,

SM: Derrick the Rubbish,

RG: Yeah.

SM: Right. He’s having an affair with Peter the Great’s missus. So Peter the Great slices off his head, puts it inside a jar of alcohol to preserve it, and puts it in his wife’s bedroom. So every morning she wakes up, she sees her dead lover’s head.

RG: You, you’d have thought she wouldn’t have wanted to remember, would ya. Best put, bury the head. So she can’t, doe’n’t remember,

SM: He wanted to remind her so as to not put it about!

KP: Did it work? Steve laughs

SM: I don’t know!

RG: I love that. Again, that to me is an amazing thing to do. And you go, Did it work? I mean, you’ve got quite an interesting mind, actually, I mean you are, in some ways, really really bright and intelligent. I, I love the way you think, uh - you’re one of the cleverest blokes, in some ways, that I know.

KP: M’dad always says I’ve got common sense.

SM: Well …

RG: Yeah.

KP: And that’s, that’s more important than knowin’ about, you know, goldfish and that.

RG: But it’s what it, you really, you, it’s like you follow the subplot. Which is quite an interesting thing, d’y’know what I mean? It’s like, y-you tell you a story and you’ll always pick up on something that I didn’t even think was an important - bit. It’s like you’re always, you’re looking out of the window all the time.

KP: So what’s important about that ‘ead thing?

RG: The—what d’y’ mean?

KP: The, the head in the jar. What should I learn?

RG: That – it’s a grotesque thing to do. It, it, it shows, ego, power, cruelty, and revenge.

SM: Although I think it probably did work, because he is called Peter the Great.

RG: Yeah.

SM: So you’d assume got, he’d got got it right.

RG: Yeah.

SM: I don’t see how you can query that, that’s the sort of facts you give us! You see now, you’re on the other side of the fence, and you’ve got questions, just like we’ve always got questions!

RG: No, but in Karl’s thing, it would’ve been, Turns out, some weird happened, right, and he was still alive. So she was still havin’ sex wit’ body. And his head was watchin’.

Steve laughs

SM: Yeah.

RG: And Peter the Great didn’t even know.

SM: See how he’s perked up?

KP: I understand, I understand, what, what you’re sayin’. Now I’ve learned some other stuff. So we’ll, I’ll see if I, you know, educate you a bit, before 3.

RG: I’ll tell you what education I want, I want to know what sort of things I can buy this weekend.

KP: Butt plugs?

RG: No – have you got an adverts?

advert/song

SM: It’s My Life from No Doubt on Xfm. Cool cool song.

RG: Yeah, love it. Love it.

SM: You enjoyed that, Rick.

RG: On Xfm 104.9. Right! Karl! This is where he shines! This is where, this is what Karl gets Mondays off for. Um. Rrrrrrrr! OK, Karl, what is it? You want to explain this?

KP: This is the bit where, I’m in a film. And, uh, sort of, edit me into it, so I’m like an actor in a major film. We’ve done Kez, we’ve done One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Shining, stuff like that.

SM: Mmm-hmm.

KP: Uh, this week, it’s A Few Good Men.

RG: Brilliant film, brilliant film.

KP: With, uh, Jack Nicholson, an’ that.

RG: Yeah.

KP: Uh, so, you listen to this, and, uh, and we give the question later on? Probably,

SM: Ah- let’s give it after this, after the clip.

KP: All right. Uh, haven’t really got one sorted, but I’ll think of one whilst its on. So, have a listen to this, take everythin’ in, and then, question at the end RG: Yeah.

KP: So, it’s a scene where the court case. All right?

RG: Yep.

• • • (Film Clip)***

judge: All rise! Call your witness.

KP: Yeah, he’s, just comin’ now. All right, Jack?

Jack: Colonel.

KP: Wh?

Jack: I’d appreciate if you would address me as Colonel or Sir. I believe I’ve earned it.

judge: Defense council will address the witness as Colonel or Sir.

KP: All right, Colonel. Bit smart today with all the uh, all the army stuff on.

Jack: You ever served in an infantry unit, son?

KP: Nah. Brother did. He was, uh, he was in the army. Got kicked out though. ‘Cause, ‘cause uh, he went for a packet ‘a fags in a tank. Weird that, innit?

Jack: No it’s not. It’s tragic.

KP: Mm. Wouldn’t say it’s tragic. I’ll show you something tragic. I always, um, carry this book around with me. I always show it to people. It’s got like, the top 50 weird people in the world in it, all right? It’s all sorts of weird stuff in it. Uh … look at this one ‘ere. It’s a fella, right, he’s got two heads, and the weird thing is, right, it’s the top 50 weird people in the world. He’s at 50, he’s got 2 heads. All right? Makes you wonder what’s gonna be at number 1, dunnit.

Jack: Are these really the questions that I was called here to answer?

KP: No, but look at it! Imagine if you were his mate. You wouldn’t get a word in edgewise, wouldja, if you were -

Jack: Maybe he didn’t have any friends.

KP: Hm. Probably right. They say, don’t they, they say, two’s company, three’s a crowd, so.

Jack: Please tell me that you have something more, lieutenant.

KP: Yeah! I got loads more! Look at this feller, number 36, look at him. Three legs. Little fella with 3 legs, right. Guess what his job is?

Jack: My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue.

KP: Well I’ll tell you. He’s a juggler.

Jack: I beg your pardon?

KP: He’s a juggler.

Jack: This is ridiculous.

KP: I know it’s ridiculous. You’re probably thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’. Why wasn’t he a footballer? Great at, (??) an’ that, when he --

Jack: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

KP: It’s just, it’s just that I’d like to know the truth, because -

Jack: You can’t handle the truth!

judge: Gentlemen!

KP: Well I’ve paid for the book, so I think I’m entitled to know why –

Jack: I don’t give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!

judge: You’d better get somewhere fast with this, Lieutenant.

KP: What about this one then? This lad here. He’s 12 years old, he looks 48. What, what d’you think?

Jack: No.

KP: Why not though? You, you said you didn’t want to know anymore about the juggler, you didn’t say you didn’t want to know anymore about -

Jack: I know what I said, I don’t have to have it read back to me like I’m –

KP: All right!

judge: Lieutenant, do you have anything further for this witness?

KP: Well, just wanted to know if you thought Mr. Web Foot at number 42 shoulda took up swimming, but,

Jack: Absolutely not.

KP: You would say that now, would ya. Forget it.

Ricky laughs

SM: Well, don’t know what to say, really, that’s Karl Pilkington in the, uh, film A Few Good Men, with Jack Nicholson. Acting alongside Jack, and I have to say, givin’ him a run for his money!

RG: I think Karl is a really good actor.

SM: Mm.

RG: I genuinely think that. Should we put him in summat?

SM: Yeah, definitely! Definitely!

RG: OK.

KP: What’s the question?

RG: So, what’s his forte, you think?

KP: Just sort of, uh, playin’ that sort of stuff. Deep stuff.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah! OK. We can sort that out.

KP: Think of a question there? Outta that little lot.

RG: Um,

SM: You, you’ve not got one.

KP: Uhh..

RG: W-well, I’ve got one. Um, who was at number, 36, whatever it was. What was it?

KP: Dunno. Uh, let’s, let’s...

RG: Who was at number 50! Who was at number 50.

KP: Yeah. All right, then. OK, who’s number, who, what, yeah.

SM: Yeah, what was ‘all about the guy who was at number 50, 50 weirdest people,

RG: Mm.

KP: Just text in. Uh, 83XFM. And put your address on there as well an’ that.

SM: And what prizes are there, Karl?

KP: Uh, load of stuff. Uh,

SM: Oh! Actually, not bad. There’s uh, Lord of the Rings, on there, Michael Palin’s Around the World in 80 Days, if you’ve not had a chance to see that yet, it’s been repeated about 80 times.

Ricky laughs

SM: Um, Look Around You, which is an excellent show, if you’ve not seen that,

RG: Yeah, it’s brilliant.

SM: There’s some other good stuff, not too bad, so the, um, relatively poor stand-up DVD, Ricky Gervais’ Live. Mediocre!

Ricky laughs

RG: Can’t keep give ‘em away.

SM: Yeah. All right, and you can win all those p-prizes, if you can answer, which question again?

KP: Who was the feller who was at number 50 in the book, what was up wit’ him?

SM: Excellent.

KP: All right so let’s uh, want to play, uh,

RG: Thorns?

KP: Thorns?

RG: It’s the most beautiful track, I’ve, I - I can’t get enough of this. Listen to it -you’ll love it.

song

RG: Karl, come on, whatsa matter wit’ you? No, no (can’t understand)

KP: What?

RG: Thorns. Beautiful, innit? Inn’t that a great track.

KP: It’s all right, yeah.

SM: We just had an email, that woman who opened The Office script, could have her head cut off. Apparently. When a letter is posted it becomes property of the Queen, until it reaches the person it was meant for. By opening it, she’s committed treason, and could be killed. I don’t know if you’re familiar with this story, Karl are you?

KP: What?

SM: Apparently, uh, some copies of The Office Christmas specials, scripts, got sent to the wrong address. Some woman. And uh, inst—I mean, I don’t know what you do in that situation, normally if I get mail that’s not addressed to me, I just, put it, give it to the postman or put it back in the post box.

RG: Radio 1 tried to speak to her, but apparently, um, she’s got a gagging order, which makes us think that she sold it to the Sundays.

SM: Oh, right.

RG: So we’ll read it, we’ll read the plot, of The Office tomorrow,

SM: Yeah, yeah.

RG: In the Sunday papers, which’ll ruin it for some people.

SM: Ruin it for a lot of people, yeah.

RG: But the other thing is, yeah, uh, yeah, I mean, If it was sent to her, obviously her name wasn’t on it.

SM: Mm.

RG: If that’s, if that’s true, in which case, I think that is quite a serious offense, isn’t it?

SM: I would hope so, I mean I would hope that if I sent something in an envelope, that it would --

RG: Well, the BBC, Ash, actually, at the BBC, thinks that because the person, they said it was meant to be sent to got his, he thinks, maybe, that’s an excuse. Maybe someone gave her the script and said, don’t tell her it, don’t say it came from me.

SM: Yeah yeah yeah.

RG: So, I dunno. And maybe she’s protectin’ someone, I don’t know.

SM: Yeah. Well, if that is the case –

RG: Well either way, either way, don’t sell it to a newspaper!

SM: Well I – yeah. It’s just, it’s just the kind of mercenary nature of it that I loathe. You know, it’s the fact that, and the fact that it’s only just now, makes me wonder if she had it there, lying around in the off- in, in her house and someone said to her, Well why don’t you go to the papers? Try and flog it.

RG: Yeah. But I don’t it, I don’t think she’s gonna get a lot for it. ‘Cause people are gonna see it soon. It’s not like it’s the Hitler Diaries.

SM: Well it’s not very well-written!

Ricky laughs

RG: But I mean, I dunno.

SM: I’ll tell you what I’m frustrated by, it’s just the fact that it’s like, we’ve worked hard to give people some kind of pleasure, for this Christmas. You know, ‘cause a lot of people are very depressed, Rick, very low at this time of year, they’ve not got what they wanted, we’re tryin’ to cheer ‘em up, give ‘em a bit of happiness.

RG: Yeah, but I think she’ll be happy if she gets a lot a’ money.

SM: True. True.

RG: I dunno. I think it’s, I think it’s just tacky, really.

SM: It is – well, if you’re a fan of the show and you don’t want to know what happens, then, don’t read the Sundays tomorrow, or at least avoid it when it says We tell you what happens.

RG: The paper’s not gonna ruin it. The papers might go, We’ve got ‘em but we’re not gonna ruin it for people.

SM: Well that would be ideal. That would be ideal.

RG: That would be a nice, a nice gesture. But uh, OK.

KP: Well, all I can say is, it’s a good job that I send out the prizes.

Ricky laughs

SM: Sure.

KP: Because that Michael Palin, Around the World in 80 Days will be goin’ to the person who won it.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Yeah yeah yeah.

KP: And if someone else receives it, they better not try and, you know what I mean, keep it, it should go to the winner.

RG: Yeah. Exactly. That is a very good point.

SM: Mm.

KP: So-

SM: Be warned.

(39:59)