07 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Office Olympics

Ricky: Coldplay and “In My Place” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there. Lovely to be here.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington there, pressing the buttons.

Steve: Great to be here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How long can you maintain it?

Ricky: I’m bored already.

Steve: Yeah, already bored of doing it.

Ricky: Bored already!

Steve: Every week you start it the same way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was not bad, though. You, actually, grammatically made sense, which is--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Thanks very much.

Steve: A rare treat, indeed, for Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah. Um… some of the, uh, listeners have already worked out I’ve got nothing to say at all.

Steve laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Haven’t prepared again.

Steve: No.

Ricky: We were- we did come in a half hour early to prepare, but, instead, me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You had five goes each or the world was going to end.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And that- that took up--

Steve: That took up a good twenty-five minutes.

Ricky: Yeah. I liked it when we came back and then we started just trying to beat each other in the corridor and I beat him. I scored a goal and he was gutted cause he thought he fancied himself a footballer and I beat him. Um, and I was knackered and sweating.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and, uh, as I walked back to you about five minutes ago, you were looking through the records, you went, and this was lovely, you went, “Well, with another preparation, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like a sarcastic teacher.

Steve: Yeah. Like a teenager, like an annoyed teenager whose parents have embarrassed him once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You beat Karl, did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause you’re not- I mean, you’re not particularly--

Ricky: I’m not good at football, no.

Steve: Well, you’re not particularly nimble on your feet.

Ricky: Oh, c’mon.

Steve: No, you’re not. Douglas Bader is, um, more nimble.

Ricky: I’m alright, I’m alright. But it- Karl’s, sort of, I think has got more skills than me, but he hasn’t got the aggression and the weight.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So I just pushed him aside.

Steve: Yeah, good work.

Ricky: Yeah. I’m going on holiday.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: Yeah, I’m not here next week. What are you going to do, Karl? Are you going to do the best of or something next week, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s what we got to sort out.

Ricky: Well, we can’t sort it out. I’ve literally- I’ve got to get to the airport after this.

Karl: No, no, straight after this show you’ve got to do some links.

Ricky: No, I’m not doing any links! I said I wouldn’t, so…

Karl: That’s what we planned!

Ricky: No we didn’t. I said I’d do some during the show and then you--

Karl: I thought you were joking!

Ricky: I-I-I honestly can’t do it today, so we’ll do some during the show. What are you going to do, just put the shows that we’ve done this year?

Steve: Sorry guys, uh, hate to interrupt. This is the sort of stuff we should have been discussing when you were playing football.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. Play a reco- what are you going to- play, play a record.

Steve: Let’s have a little bit of Foo Fighters.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Let’s just discuss this off air.

Ricky: Okay.

Song: Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly

Going on Holiday With Ricky Gervais

Ricky: Foo Fighters, there. “Learning to Fly.” Steve, I hope the pilot that I get today flying the plane that I'm going on holiday in has already learnt to fly.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh ho ho! Well done. That is dynamite. That’s text--that’s a textbook link.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: That’s genius. Oh, very good. Where are you going? Wha-what’s the story? Where are you off to?

Ricky: Uh, Sorrento.

Steve: Where’s that?

Ricky: Uh, sort of, South Italy.

Steve: Italy?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What are you like on holiday? Are you a nightmare? Are you the, like--

Ricky: No. Why would you--

Steve: Cause you’re quite- but you’re quite, I mean, obviously I, you know, I’ve often said on the radio before, that I- I mean, spending any length of time with you is-is one of the most unbearable things I’ve ever had to do.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I mean, spending a week with you is nightmarish. And sharing any kind of accomadations, do you know what I mean? No seriously, it’s like, it’s like hell.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s like a living hell. It’s like having a teenager, it’s like having a, sort of, teenage kid who can’t, can’t be entertained by anything.

Ricky: I just chill out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just chill out.

Steve: You just chill out, dude? Just max relax?

Ricky: Yeah, max relax.

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure. And do you- and so if you’re in somewhere, like Italy, somewhere like that, cause obviously a very beautiful city and very cultured and stuff--

Ricky: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Steve: Is that, yeah, is that something do you enjoy? Do you enjoy the culture of that, the beautiful architecture that’s there.

Ricky: A hotel’s the same anywhere.

Steve laughs

Ricky: As long as it’s room service and a nice room and board and it’s nice weather--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: If it’s not, I’m annoyed.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I need to blame someone.

Steve: And is it true that you go- cause you go to Italy most years, don’t you? Is that because that’s the only food you like eating?

Ricky: I like, I like pasta and pizza, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, I’ve been to other places. I went to France once and the- you can’t explain to them to cook it properly, just cook it properly. I don’t want any- “Cook it! There’s blood in the middle of that.”

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure.

Ricky: Hungary there was- it was just- ohh. I went there for a while and I didn’t know- I couldn’t identify the animals--

Steve: Right, sure.

Ricky: They were killing for me. So, and I know quite a lot about natural history--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And I couldn’t identify what was on the plate. So I--

Steve: Came home early after a couple of days?

Ricky: No, I just got annoyed and I-I went to McDonald’s.

Steve: Yeah. Well, that’s the great thing about McDonald’s is they are in most major things.

Ricky: Exactly. No, I-I- you can’t go wrong with past and pizza.

Steve: So, if we were to go on holiday and, you know, we were hanging out or whatever.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I, um, took you to, say, a beautiful cathedral. Is that something you’d enjoy? I can’t quite imagine you actually taking the time to--

Ricky: Well, as long, as long as it’s not a very long walk, you don’t have to stay there more than a couple of minutes, then I’d love to look around these places.

Steve laughs

Steve: Right. So you would, you’d look at the cathedral--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s taken, you know- that takes people breathes, you know, takes peoples breathes away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, people travel from around the world to see that. You would- and how long would you stay--

Ricky: I don’t think people travel around to see it, I think they go somewhere and they go, “Well, we might as well go see (Ricky mumbles). They’re huge.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Would you- and would you, uh, would you, sort of, spend any time looking at that? Would you just, sort of, soak in the atmosphere for a moment or would you--

Ricky: I’d look at it and I’d go, “That’s brilliant” and then if there was any sort of soaking in, I could do that later when there’s nothing to look at.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: There’s less to do.

Steve: You’re memory of it, later, when you’re in the bar.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, you can, sort of, you know--

Steve: And would you- and so- can, can you be, kind of, in awe of something like that?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, if it’s big, I can. If I go into a cathedral and it’s, and it’s- I’ve seen bigger, I go, “Ohh, I’ve seen bigger.” If it’s the biggest one I’ve seen, I go, “That is huge…. let’s go.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Then you shoot off.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sure, because you are, you’re the sort of man that’s bored and this is true, Karl. You may not be familiar with this. Ricky Gervais is a man who gets bored drinking a glass of water.

Ricky: It’s boring.

Steve: Because it’s not flavorsome enough.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It’s not got enough flavor.

Ricky: It’s-it’s absolute bor- the only thing I- Jane’s got me on to fizzy water, which at least got something there and I only drink that when I’m, sort of, dehydrated in the middle of the night. I never- there’s no- I never drink a drink of water.

Steve: No.

Ricky: It’s- it is boring.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. But that’s why you’ve always got headaches and you’re always--

Ricky: Apparently, yeah.

Steve: Moaning and stuff. And that’s one of the- another one of the reasons I hate you.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: But- I don’t want to say hate, I don’t mean I hate you. I didn’t mean to- I didn’t meant to blur it out that strongly!

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But what I mean is if I’m spending a lot of time with you I grow to hate you.

Ricky: Once, right, I said- we were in the BBC canteen and I, sort of, like- and he just put his knife and fork and said, “I’m never eating with you again.” I said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “You annoy me. You- I hate eating with you. It annoys me. You- it looks like a child food. You eat chips and sausage and rubbish. You don’t eat- look at you. You don’t touch your vegetables, you don’t drink water.” He said- he really got annoyed!

Steve: I was because you-you-you’ve got this, like, this hatred of anything that’s good for you. You won’t eat any form of salad… You just--

Ricky: Why would I eat salad?

Steve: Because it is good for you! You need it!

Ricky: Lettuce is boring! Lettuce is absolutely boring. Um, uh, cucumber are boring, you know.

Steve: But-but, yeah, but the thing is, you see, I admit that lettuce and cucumber have not that much flavor, but that’s why people will add, say, in Italy they’ll add a lovely dressing. Maybe some olive oil, maybe some balsamic vinegar.

Ricky: Well, you’ve embarrassed yourself because the good thing about a nice, mature lump of cheddar cheese is you don’t have to have any dressing.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, though, you add some anyway.

Ricky: I put a little bit of olive oil in it and maybe some mayonnaise.

Steve: Maybe some, uh, Thousand Island Dressing.

Ricky: On a Ritz cracker, you don’t need it, it’s just extra.

Steve: Sure, sure. Well, good luck. I noticed you’re wearing- is this your traveling gear? You’ve got your sweatpants and the t-shirt, the free t-shirt.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Looking to get an upgrade, are you?

Ricky: I’m-I’m going First Class, anyway.

Steve: Sure, nice.

Song:Song: Badly Drawn Boy- Spitting in the Wind