07 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Office Olympics

Ricky: Coldplay and “In My Place” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there. Lovely to be here.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington there, pressing the buttons.

Steve: Great to be here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How long can you maintain it?

Ricky: I’m bored already.

Steve: Yeah, already bored of doing it.

Ricky: Bored already!

Steve: Every week you start it the same way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was not bad, though. You, actually, grammatically made sense, which is--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Thanks very much.

Steve: A rare treat, indeed, for Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah. Um… some of the, uh, listeners have already worked out I’ve got nothing to say at all.

Steve laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Haven’t prepared again.

Steve: No.

Ricky: We were- we did come in a half hour early to prepare, but, instead, me and Karl were playing- you had to flick the football into the bin--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You had five goes each or the world was going to end.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And that- that took up--

Steve: That took up a good twenty-five minutes.

Ricky: Yeah. I liked it when we came back and then we started just trying to beat each other in the corridor and I beat him. I scored a goal and he was gutted cause he thought he fancied himself a footballer and I beat him. Um, and I was knackered and sweating.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and, uh, as I walked back to you about five minutes ago, you were looking through the records, you went, and this was lovely, you went, “Well, with another preparation, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Like a sarcastic teacher.

Steve: Yeah. Like a teenager, like an annoyed teenager whose parents have embarrassed him once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You beat Karl, did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause you’re not- I mean, you’re not particularly--

Ricky: I’m not good at football, no.

Steve: Well, you’re not particularly nimble on your feet.

Ricky: Oh, c’mon.

Steve: No, you’re not. Douglas Bader is, um, more nimble.

Ricky: I’m alright, I’m alright. But it- Karl’s, sort of, I think has got more skills than me, but he hasn’t got the aggression and the weight.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So I just pushed him aside.

Steve: Yeah, good work.

Ricky: Yeah. I’m going on holiday.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: Yeah, I’m not here next week. What are you going to do, Karl? Are you going to do the best of or something next week, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s what we got to sort out.

Ricky: Well, we can’t sort it out. I’ve literally- I’ve got to get to the airport after this.

Karl: No, no, straight after this show you’ve got to do some links.

Ricky: No, I’m not doing any links! I said I wouldn’t, so…

Karl: That’s what we planned!

Ricky: No we didn’t. I said I’d do some during the show and then you--

Karl: I thought you were joking!

Ricky: I-I-I honestly can’t do it today, so we’ll do some during the show. What are you going to do, just put the shows that we’ve done this year?

Steve: Sorry guys, uh, hate to interrupt. This is the sort of stuff we should have been discussing when you were playing football.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. Play a reco- what are you going to- play, play a record.

Steve: Let’s have a little bit of Foo Fighters.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Let’s just discuss this off air.

Ricky: Okay.

Song: Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly

Going on Holiday With Ricky Gervais

Ricky: Foo Fighters, there. “Learning to Fly.” Steve, I hope the pilot that I get today flying the plane that I'm going on holiday in has already learnt to fly.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh ho ho! Well done. That is dynamite. That’s text--that’s a textbook link.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: That’s genius. Oh, very good. Where are you going? Wha-what’s the story? Where are you off to?

Ricky: Uh, Sorrento.

Steve: Where’s that?

Ricky: Uh, sort of, South Italy.

Steve: Italy?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What are you like on holiday? Are you a nightmare? Are you the, like--

Ricky: No. Why would you--

Steve: Cause you’re quite- but you’re quite, I mean, obviously I, you know, I’ve often said on the radio before, that I- I mean, spending any length of time with you is-is one of the most unbearable things I’ve ever had to do.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I mean, spending a week with you is nightmarish. And sharing any kind of accomadations, do you know what I mean? No seriously, it’s like, it’s like hell.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s like a living hell. It’s like having a teenager, it’s like having a, sort of, teenage kid who can’t, can’t be entertained by anything.

Ricky: I just chill out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just chill out.

Steve: You just chill out, dude? Just max relax?

Ricky: Yeah, max relax.

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure. And do you- and so if you’re in somewhere, like Italy, somewhere like that, cause obviously a very beautiful city and very cultured and stuff--

Ricky: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Steve: Is that, yeah, is that something do you enjoy? Do you enjoy the culture of that, the beautiful architecture that’s there.

Ricky: A hotel’s the same anywhere.

Steve laughs

Ricky: As long as it’s room service and a nice room and board and it’s nice weather--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: If it’s not, I’m annoyed.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I need to blame someone.

Steve: And is it true that you go- cause you go to Italy most years, don’t you? Is that because that’s the only food you like eating?

Ricky: I like, I like pasta and pizza, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, I’ve been to other places. I went to France once and the- you can’t explain to them to cook it properly, just cook it properly. I don’t want any- “Cook it! There’s blood in the middle of that.”

Steve: Yeah, sure, sure.

Ricky: Hungary there was- it was just- ohh. I went there for a while and I didn’t know- I couldn’t identify the animals--

Steve: Right, sure.

Ricky: They were killing for me. So, and I know quite a lot about natural history--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And I couldn’t identify what was on the plate. So I--

Steve: Came home early after a couple of days?

Ricky: No, I just got annoyed and I-I went to McDonald’s.

Steve: Yeah. Well, that’s the great thing about McDonald’s is they are in most major things.

Ricky: Exactly. No, I-I- you can’t go wrong with past and pizza.

Steve: So, if we were to go on holiday and, you know, we were hanging out or whatever.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I, um, took you to, say, a beautiful cathedral. Is that something you’d enjoy? I can’t quite imagine you actually taking the time to--

Ricky: Well, as long, as long as it’s not a very long walk, you don’t have to stay there more than a couple of minutes, then I’d love to look around these places.

Steve laughs

Steve: Right. So you would, you’d look at the cathedral--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s taken, you know- that takes people breathes, you know, takes peoples breathes away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, people travel from around the world to see that. You would- and how long would you stay--

Ricky: I don’t think people travel around to see it, I think they go somewhere and they go, “Well, we might as well go see (Ricky mumbles). They’re huge.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Would you- and would you, uh, would you, sort of, spend any time looking at that? Would you just, sort of, soak in the atmosphere for a moment or would you--

Ricky: I’d look at it and I’d go, “That’s brilliant” and then if there was any sort of soaking in, I could do that later when there’s nothing to look at.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: There’s less to do.

Steve: You’re memory of it, later, when you’re in the bar.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, you can, sort of, you know--

Steve: And would you- and so- can, can you be, kind of, in awe of something like that?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, if it’s big, I can. If I go into a cathedral and it’s, and it’s- I’ve seen bigger, I go, “Ohh, I’ve seen bigger.” If it’s the biggest one I’ve seen, I go, “That is huge…. let’s go.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Then you shoot off.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sure, because you are, you’re the sort of man that’s bored and this is true, Karl. You may not be familiar with this. Ricky Gervais is a man who gets bored drinking a glass of water.

Ricky: It’s boring.

Steve: Because it’s not flavorsome enough.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It’s not got enough flavor.

Ricky: It’s-it’s absolute bor- the only thing I- Jane’s got me on to fizzy water, which at least got something there and I only drink that when I’m, sort of, dehydrated in the middle of the night. I never- there’s no- I never drink a drink of water.

Steve: No.

Ricky: It’s- it is boring.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. But that’s why you’ve always got headaches and you’re always--

Ricky: Apparently, yeah.

Steve: Moaning and stuff. And that’s one of the- another one of the reasons I hate you.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: But- I don’t want to say hate, I don’t mean I hate you. I didn’t mean to- I didn’t meant to blur it out that strongly!

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But what I mean is if I’m spending a lot of time with you I grow to hate you.

Ricky: Once, right, I said- we were in the BBC canteen and I, sort of, like- and he just put his knife and fork and said, “I’m never eating with you again.” I said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “You annoy me. You- I hate eating with you. It annoys me. You- it looks like a child food. You eat chips and sausage and rubbish. You don’t eat- look at you. You don’t touch your vegetables, you don’t drink water.” He said- he really got annoyed!

Steve: I was because you-you-you’ve got this, like, this hatred of anything that’s good for you. You won’t eat any form of salad… You just--

Ricky: Why would I eat salad?

Steve: Because it is good for you! You need it!

Ricky: Lettuce is boring! Lettuce is absolutely boring. Um, uh, cucumber are boring, you know.

Steve: But-but, yeah, but the thing is, you see, I admit that lettuce and cucumber have not that much flavor, but that’s why people will add, say, in Italy they’ll add a lovely dressing. Maybe some olive oil, maybe some balsamic vinegar.

Ricky: Well, you’ve embarrassed yourself because the good thing about a nice, mature lump of cheddar cheese is you don’t have to have any dressing.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, though, you add some anyway.

Ricky: I put a little bit of olive oil in it and maybe some mayonnaise.

Steve: Maybe some, uh, Thousand Island Dressing.

Ricky: On a Ritz cracker, you don’t need it, it’s just extra.

Steve: Sure, sure. Well, good luck. I noticed you’re wearing- is this your traveling gear? You’ve got your sweatpants and the t-shirt, the free t-shirt.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Looking to get an upgrade, are you?

Ricky: I’m-I’m going First Class, anyway.

Steve: Sure, nice.

Song:Song: Badly Drawn Boy- Spitting in the Wind

Steve and the Opera

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, “Spitting in the Wind” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais--

Steve: Are you going to be taking in any of the, uh, culture in Italy? It that something you do?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The opera?

Ricky: Uhh--

Steve: I’d love to see you at the opera.

Ricky: Don’t know about the opera. I’ve never been to the opera. I do like, uh, you know, a bit of opera.

Steve: You like opera, do you?

Ricky: Not- I wouldn’t sit through a whole one, but I mean, I like, I like the songs they take from it in that “World Cup” one.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And those two fat birds, what they sung in “Shawshank Redemption” was good.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: But, um, I think I- you know, I haven’t gotten into it extensively. I haven’t studied the art.

Steve laughs

Steve: The art of opera.

Ricky: Also, it’s in foreign so you don’t really know what’s happening.

Steve: It’s in foreign?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, you don’t really know--

Steve: That’s annoying for you.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: What about- are you, are you a fan of any of the great English operas? Like, um, “The Pirates of Penzance?”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, Gilbert and Sullivan. To me, Gilbert and Sullivan were like the, probably, their-their day equivalent of, like, Richard Stilgoe getting together with Tony Slattery.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: And then, a hundred years later, people go, “It’s brilliant.” It-it is like- they might as well, um, I don’t know, make any, any episode of “Whose Line is it Anyway?”--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Into an opera and in two hundred years time, people’ll be going, “That’s genius.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Listen to this one. Look, this is ‘Party Quirks.’”

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, Amdram society staging “World’s Worst Step.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Cause I- but I was, when I was in “Pirates of Penzance” once, in an amateur production--

Ricky: You used to like “Whose Line is it Anyway!”

Steve: I did. That was, yeah--

Ricky: Although, I did watch it when it first came on Channel 4 fifteen, twenty years ago.

Steve: But we, um, we did “The Pirates of Penzance” when I was in an amateur dramatic society in Bristol, uh, the Bristol Operatic Society. I don’t know why I was involved, cause I can’t sing. My audition, right, this was how desperate they were for blokes. I swear to God, right, I can’t sing, you--

Ricky: Who, you?

Steve: Yeah. Alright, calm down. And, um, I, uh, I went in and they said, “What are you going to sing?” I went, “Uh, well, I’ll just- I-I want to surprise you.” They said, “Do you want a piano accompaniment?” I said, “No, I don’t think so.”

Ricky giggles

Steve: So, I went to the back, I swear to God, I went to the back of the room and I just sang-

Steve sings “Thumbelina, Thumbelina, tiny little thing/ Thumbelina dance, Thumbelina sing/ Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small?/ When your heart is full of love, you're six feet tall!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: I just did that and they just looked at me like I was the weirdest freak they’d ever had. Immediately put me in the chorus cause that’s how desperate they were for blokes. We staged- we rehearsed it, I couldn’t remember the lyrics.

Ricky: Thank God you were doing “Thumbelina!”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: But I couldn’t, um, I-I couldn’t remember the lyrics for--

Ricky: What was it for? Was it Gilbert and Sullivan?

Steve: It was- it was “The Pirates of Penzance.”

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: There weren’t enough blokes, right, so the- we had to double up. So some of the pirates had to double up as the policemen who are chasing the pirates. Little bit problematic in the scene when the policemen and the pirates have a fight!

Ricky laughs

Steve: That was a little bit tricky. And the worst thing- there’s a sequence where, like, the-the-the daughters of the Major-General all kind of, like, “Oh, beautiful-” Something like, you know, um, “Oh, beautiful little girls are we, la la la la la la la.” And the women they had, they must have all been over forty. I mean, real, kind of--

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Toothless crones.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Creeping around in their nighties--

Ricky: Is it the sort of women that buy one of those, sort of, porcelain dolls--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And go, “Look, I’ve had a baby.” “It’s not real.” “It is a real baby! You wanna stab, you!?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: One of those?

Steve: Exactly. It’s the sort of women you’d see maybe on TV’s “Bargain Hunt.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You know, the kind of contestants you get on there. Those sort of women who-who sort of very in am drama league, they think they’ve come on to their looks, but they’d have never made it in-in, uh- the guy who was playing the, uh- there’s a guy who’s supposed to be an eighteen year old prince, an eighteen year old pirate, uh, the pirate king. He must have been forty, if he was a day. He also directed the show, though, so he got to prance around in these thigh-high boots. Ludicrous, it was so embarrassing. It was shameful, really.

Ricky: I’d love to go to Amdram.

Steve: Amdram is a whole other world. It’s just such an incredible place cause there’s so much backbiting and envy and--

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Oh, it’s incredible! I mean, it’s worse than the real world of theater and TV. It’s unbelievable cause the same old people get to do it every year cause they can hold a note.

Ricky: Can we go along?

Steve: You would absolutely adore it, Gervais. It is--

Ricky: Just film it. A secret camera. Have you ever done anything in a play, Pilk?

Steve: We know this. Karl, you-you’ve performed--

Karl: I just did the, uh, a talent show, didn’t I?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, tell ’em about the talent show, yeah.

Steve: Remind us of the talent show.

Karl: Uh… that’s when I did, uh, “Walk Like an Egyptian” dressed up as a woman.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: And I did me magic trick.

Ricky: Oh, that’s the- it’s an egg.

Karl: The egg one.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh…

Steve: What was the egg one, again?

Karl: When I, uh, actually, I’ve ruined it now, saying “the egg one.” But I went onstage with, like, a hanky--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I said, uh- at this point I was dressed up as a caretaker, innit.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Dunno why, can’t really remember.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Art.

Karl: I stood there with this, uh, with this hanky over me hand--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I said, “Right, you’re going to love this one.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I said, “I’m going to make a bird appear in front of ya, in front of ya eyes.” Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And they’re all like, “Ooh, what’s he gonna do?” So, I’m stood there--

Ricky: Yeah, I’m sure they did.

Karl: Pulled the hanky off--

Steve: It was an egg.

Karl: Had an egg. I said, “Oh, it hasn’t been born yet.”

Steve: That’s brilliant.

Karl: They loved it.

Steve: They- yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: They went wild for it, did they? Round of applause?

Karl: Yeah, uh--

Steve: How old were you? Is that when you were, like, seventeen?

Ricky: Was that- apart from, apart from your paper round, was that the high point of your life, so far?

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Is that- what’s the best--

Karl: No, I didn’t really want to do it.

Steve: Karl, I’d like to see you take that on the road.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Or maybe at least to the Edinburgh Festival next year.

Ricky: Karl, we’re going to play a song now, right? One of my- a great track, “Watch That Man” off one of my favorite albums, “Aladdin Sane” by David Bowie. But, during that, can you- can you think of a couple of things for me? What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Can you, can you think about that for three minutes? Me and Steve will leave you alone. Just the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Remembering everything that is amazing. Yeah? Can you do that?

Karl: Yeah.

Song: David Bowie- Watch That Man

Karl's Best Time Ever

Ricky: “Watch That Man,” David Bowie. Steve’s gone out away there, just wandering around. Not quite ready, were ya?

Steve: Well, no, I’m just relaxed, you know, I’m just laid back, just hanging.

Ricky: Yeah. Karl…

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky: Best things that ever happened to ya? Best event, best day in your life?

Karl: I mean, there’s-there’s loads of things that happen. Like, uh--

Ricky and Steve smigger

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No, but do you know what I mean? You can go for obvious stuff, like, you know, meeting Suzanne--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Sticking with her an’ all that.

Ricky: But take-take-take that, take that as read.

Steve: Yeah. You’ve got that on your desert island, that’s already done.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, uh…

Karl sighs

Steve: And the day, you know, you got your qualifications through.

Ricky: Yeah, the history- yeah.

Karl: Um, probably… I mean, when you asked me then, the first thing that came into me mind, right, that was a real surprise, right, cause it’s like you get surprises on your birthday an’ that, don’t you?

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: But they’re not really surprises cause you’re hassling your mum and dad for stuff--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then they, you know, they might buy it ya.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So it’s not really a real surprise, is it? Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Uh, so I’d say something that was really like, “Oh, yeah, nice one. I’ve got something here.” is the time when me dad said, “Empty the bin, will you?” right? And I said, “Oh, do I have to?” And I was watching something, it was like “Why Don’t You?” or something like that on the telly.

Ricky: Is this what started your tea bag and banana skin collection?

Karl: Right, so it was like, do you know in the summer holidays where you’d have dead good telly in the morning--

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: You’d have, like, “The Monkees”--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. “The Banana Splits.”

Karl: “The Banana Splits,” all that, right.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: I was, like, loving that, I was watching that. My dad said, “Empty the bin.” I said, “Aww, 'The Monkees’ are on in a minute.” He said, “Just empty the bin.” So I emptied it and just put it near the door. He said, “Don’t leave it there!” He said, “Stick it near the bins in the garden!” I said, “I’ll put it there later.” He said, “No, do it now!”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So I was like, “Oh, if I miss the beginning of this, I’ll be livid.”

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Right? So I picked it up quick, ran out down to the bottom of the garden, slung it in the corner and, sort of, went to turn back to go back in and I had to look again cause they had, like, a little AA truck. They bought me-

Steve: New?

Karl: It wasn’t brand new, but he’d got it from somewhere. A little AA go-cart, do you know one of them, like, little things- I mean, I was, I was young.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Yeah, it was a go-cart?

Karl: Well, kind of- no, the plastic ones.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: When you’re about, I don’t know, I must have been like five or six or something.

Steve: So, I don’t quite follow. That-that, had he sent you out there--

Karl: He sent me out with the bin bag--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I could see what he’d got me. And it wasn’t me birthday or anything, he’d just got it from somewhere.

Steve: You’re sure he hadn’t just nicked it and dumped it right out the back?

Karl: Possibly.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But, uh, that-that was, like, a genuine, like, “Oh, yeah, smart.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I went back in, watched the telly for a bit and then went back out.

Ricky: Did I tell, did I tell you about my go-cart?

Karl: Yeah, that you--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: About your dad giving it away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What’s that story?

Ricky: I don’t- I don’t think I’ve told you this, have I?

Steve: Oh, go on. Well, tell it again.

Ricky: I-I- have I told it on air? I can’t remember. Maybe I just told you it. Um, when I was about eight or nine, I had a go-cart and I loved it. It was one of those that you pressed back and forth--

Karl: Yeah, that’s--

Ricky: And I used to come in every day, used to just get changed, run out and it was, um, behind the shed and I used to just go up and down the garden. And one day I came running in and I ran out and I couldn’t see it. And I went up to the back door and my mum was washing up and I went, “Where’s my go-cart?” She went, “Your dad swapped it.”

Steve: Your dad swapped it?

Ricky: Yeah. With his mate, Jimmy, in the pub. He went- I said, “Oh.” She went, “Yeah, he swapped it for a wheelbarrow.” So I went and looked back and there was this wheelbarrow, right, that was obviously just came off a building site.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Covered in concrete. Couldn’t- it was steel. Right, I could hardly move it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I went back and I went, “Really?” She went, “Yeah, it’s your wheelbarrow.”

Steve laughs

Karl: I'm thinking me dad, me dad lost a wheelbarrow that dad.

Ricky: Yeah. And I used to, used to push that up and down and it wasn’t the same and--

Steve: You used to push the wheelbarrow up and down?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anything in there or--

Ricky: No, I was just trying to, sort of, keep meself amused. But anyway, that summer, I went on holiday and, uh, I went to Bogner with my mum and nan. Um--

Steve laughs

Steve: Another wild holiday.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And I was sort of out, out by the caravan and, um, I made friends with this, this kid and he’d hired a go-cart from the, the caravan center, right. And I remember he was going ‘round in it and, uh, it was great and I said, and I said, “I’ve got a go-cart.” and the caravan window opened and my mum said, “Don’t lie.”

Steve laughs

Steve: “You’ve got a wheelbarrow.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “Be truthful.”

Ricky: I went, “I had a go-cart.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, that’s so tragic.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you ever really forgive him for that? I’d never forgiven my dad if he’d swapped a go-cart for a wheelbarrow.

Ricky: I just thought it’s par for the course. You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: They’re in charge.

Steve: Sure. Did you used to rush home, change and--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Get into that, sort of, gardener’s gear?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Straight into your hard hat and Dungarees.

Ricky: I’d go, “Mum, any bricks need moving?”

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, oh dear.

Steve: Wow. Aw, that’s so tragic.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Still, that was your happiest day.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Beautiful, Karl.

Karl: That’s-that’s the one that spring to mind.

Ricky: And my unhappiest. See how go-carts can be good or bad?

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Does that make you think, Karl? That the go-cart is, you know, is good and evil.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Adverts.

Ricky: I’m upset. Eh?

Karl: Some adverts.

Ricky: Oh brilliant, what adverts you got!?

Karl: I got these!

Advertisements

Steve and the Boss

Ricky: Electric Soft Parade, “Same Way Everyday” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais.

Steve: With him, Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Rick I, um, I only had one thing I had to do all week, okay?

Ricky: What was that?

Steve: I only had- I was- all week, I was so excited about getting up, Friday morning, phoning, getting Bruce Springsteen tickets.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: The Boss is playing in, uh--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: In October and basically got up too late.

Ricky: What, not sold out already?

Steve: It had sold out, it had sold out, but I started calling about twelve-thirty, it had sold out. I trolled the ‘net, I trolled, uh, all the phone lines--

Ricky: Yeah, but a lot of- some of those buys are bulk buys for selling on, aren’t they? They’re not all individual--

Steve: This is the problem. This is the problem. I mean, I don’t know how many people they can fit in Wembley Arena, but sold it out by twelve-thirty and that’s popular.

Ricky: Wembley Arena?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s about twelve thousand, innit?

Steve: I was so gutted. It was all I had to do. I was so looking forward to it. I phoned up one of those, like, quite dodgy phony ticket agencies. Do you know how much he was offering- you know that they’re like, forty-five quid to buy. He said the starting price is two hundred and twenty-five quid. I mean, that to me is like a ticket tout, like, illegal ticket tout.

Ricky: Are they allowed to do that?

Steve: I don’t know, it’s crazy. I was so angry.

Ricky: They could make- they’d have to say their booking fee was a hundred and fifty pounds.

Steve: Exactly. So I- but now I’m just, I'm just, like, desperate. I don’t know what to do. I’m just wondering if I could abuse our position on the radio and just try and scrounge them from anyone who’s listening.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No, I mean anyone who’s listening, who’s got the power to get them, you know, or-or--

Ricky: This is begging, isn’t it?

Steve: This is-this is exactly what it is, Rick, yeah. Yeah, I was going to try and dress it up--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But it’s just begging.

Ricky: That ticket tout’s after you, as well, for dissing him.

Steve: Ricky.Gervais@--

Ricky: Don’t bring me into it!

Steve: Shut up. [email protected]. If there’s anything you can do to get me a ticket- I’m willing to pay for it, um, up to the price of forty-five quid.

Ricky: Yeah. Well, second hand. Thirty! You don’t, you don’t want to throw your money around, Steve.

Steve: I’ll give twenty-five quid, c’mon. Don’t you know who I am?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But, um, but that- do you know what I mean? Cause I asked Karl if he could sort it out. He’s done nothing, he’s achieved nothing.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: So I’m just desperate, I’m in a desperate situation and I don’t quite know what to do.

Ricky: I’ll tell you this, though, Karl. Don’t bother doing favors for him cause he’s not grateful. He-he-he- you give him something and he goes, “Right, does this mean I have to give you something back?” and I go, “Well, no.” and he goes, “Good!”

Steve exclaims

Karl: Well, I got you Cure tickets and you did nothing but whinge about it.

Steve: Yeah, it was rubbish, that gig.

Karl: There you go, then.

Steve: It was rubbish. I went along to that gig, it was a balmy summer’s night. The Cure, as far as I’m concerned, owe me a balmy summer’s night cause I wasted it. Hour and a half they played for. They played four hits. I don’t want to hear their dirge from, like, some dodgy album from, like, 1984. I’m not interested! Play the hits; “Boys Don’t Cry”, “Love Cats”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Instead, I got nothing! I was so angry. I was, I was just- oh, man I was angry.

Ricky: You were probably angry at Karl, weren’t you?

Steve: I was angry at Karl for wasting my time, getting me the tickets--

Ricky: Yeah, you know what I mean, Karl?

Steve: If I had paid for it, I would have been absolutely livid.

Ricky: Are you getting- you getting to see what sort of bloke Steve Merchant is?

Karl: Mm-hmm.

Steve: No, it’s the point. Do you not agree, though, that if you’re going to see a band like The Cure on a summer’s night--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Hyde Park, you do not want to hear some obscure B-sides and album tracks.

Ricky: But that- that’s what- that was the great thing about, um, when I saw Bowie at the BBC. He played--

Steve: When you what?

Ricky: He- you know about that.

Steve: I don’t know about this.

Ricky: Yeah, you do.

Steve: What? When did you see Bowie?

Ricky: At the Jonathan Ross recording.

Steve, in a mocking tone: Oh, what, your showbiz friend Jonathan Ross?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: What was this? Was that that TV thing he did?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You went to that? You haven’t told me about this.

Ricky: Yes, I have.

Steve: No, you haven‘t.

Ricky: Well, you were away, I think.

Steve: No, I wasn’t. Cause I watched it on TV.

Ricky: It was amazing.

Steve: Well, don’t tell me that!

Ricky: It was incredible.

Steve: Were you seriously there?

Ricky: Yeah. And then, then I went onto his show on the Saturday.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Yeah, cause I was- Jonathan said, “Oh, I need someone to come in.” Yeah and I went onto the radio show.

Steve: So you were hanging out with Bowie?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Go on. Who else was there?

Ricky quietly chuckles

Ricky: Well the weird thing was--

Steve: Should I go through my favorite artists and you just name ‘em and see- if they were there, just let me know.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, but it was amazing, right? Cause he started- he-he played, um, uh, just doing--

Steve: I can’t--

Ricky: Cause it was that, it was the “Meltdown” thing and he did, uh, “Be My Wife”, which was great. Then he started doing “Fame”, right, and they had been talking about “Ziggy” in the, um, in the interview. He was going, “Oh, everyone always goes ‘Ziggy’. Would you just stop it?” And it was sort of, like, got to a point where he was going, “Oh-” and it was really funny and, uh, uh, but Jonathan’s got a favorite phase with that. And then he started playing, um, “Fame” and it was really good and he just went, “Stop this, stop this. This isn’t- uh, this, uh…let’s do ‘Ziggy.’” And I--

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: My spine tingled. I welled up- and “Ziggy Stardust” and I’ll tell you what, it sounded like the album version. And he’s got an amazing ballad and it was- and I love it when they do that. I hate it when they- just cause they’ve been going for twenty-five years, they start changing it--

Steve: Sorry, I can’t believe that you went to this, that you knew you were going to this and you never asked me. You never asked Jonathan if you could get me in. I mean, seriously, I- I mean, you know how much that would have meant to me.

Ricky: Yeah, but it was very tight. Apparently- I-I know, but- very, very, it was very, sort of- apparently, Richard, uh, Branson couldn’t get in. There was a queue, so I was like special- it was, it was me, me and Jane went, um, uh, David Baddiel and, uh, Frank Skinner--

Steve: Oh, what; suddenly your new showbiz friends of yours, are they?

Ricky: No! No, I mean, they- I’m rubbing it in Steve. I don’t--

Steve: I can’t- I’m just--

Ricky giggles

Ricky: But you might not have liked it. You might have complained like Karl with The Cure and you-you-you’d turn your back on it.

Steve: That was rubbish, though. That was rubbish.

Ricky: Well, you might not have liked what David did, you know, I--

Steve: I’ll tell you this. Seriously, if I find out that you do- that you’ve gone to some secret gig or something in the future and I find out- Seriously, that’s it. There’s no more “Office”, there’s no more--

Ricky starts to laugh

Steve: No, I’m not joking. I’m not mucking around, cause that, to me, is like- that’s what friendship is. That’s like textbook example of friendship.

Ricky: What do you think, Karl?

Karl: Uh--

Steve: No, I just think that’s really awful.

Ricky: No, you were off. You were away.

Steve: No, I wasn’t away!

Ricky: Yeah, you were, yeah.

Steve: I wasn’t away! Don’t try and fool me!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I wouldn’t have been away. If I was away, I wouldn’t have been away if you had told me that was happening.

Ricky: You were asleep. You were asleep.

Steve: I-I‘m-I‘m- Seriously, I’m… we can joke about it, but I’m really angry about this.

Ricky: What do you think, Karl?

Karl sighs

Steve: There’s a secret, right, there's a secret- Apparently there’s a secret Bruce Springsteen gig that’s been planned--

Ricky: I’m going.

Steve: Are you? I- If you, seriously--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I’m teasing!

Steve: Seriously, if I find out that you’re at that, I will- I mean--

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Play a record so I can shout expletives at Ricky Gervais.

Ricky laughs

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: I- Oh.. I’ll tell you what, lovely little bit of Electronic.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Just a coo- uh, calm and sooth me. I’m just- Seriously, I’m not joking. That really winds me up. That really winds me up.

Ricky: The Cure was good.

Steve audibly exhales

Song: Electronic- Getting Away With It