16 November 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 16 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Genius Karl Pilkington

Ricky: Foo Fighters. All My Life on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and uh, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Genius Karl Pilkington as Heat magazine said.

Steve: Really, is that what he's referred to now?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: Genius. Saying about people tune in just to hear his games such as...Educating Ricky. Have you got some Educating Ricky for me?

Karl: Got some Educating Ri-...

Ricky: I need some education Karl. I desperately need some education.

Karl: Got some later.

Ricky: I wanna learn about Chinese kids that are born hairier than average.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I wanna her-hear about deaf girls that can hear after their mum hits their head against a wall. These are the things I need to know.

Steve: I mean I don't wish to be disrespectful. He doesn't look like a genius.

Ricky: He doesn't look like a genius.

Steve: But I don't know what a genius looks like, Rick.

Ricky: Exactly...

Steve: So, you know...

Ricky: ...Steve.

Karl: Lo-lo-look at Einstein.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: His mum thought he was mental as a child.

Ricky snickers

Steve: Where'd you get that information from?

Karl: That was in the Einstein book.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: If it was in the Einstein book then it's presumably true.

Steve: Which Einstein book is that? Is it Theory of relativity?

Ricky: The big book of Einstein stuff.

Steve: Oh yeah, yeah.

Ricky: {{{1}}}

Steve: Did his mum think A: he was a genius? B: mental.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Some, most people go for A, but it is in fact B. She thought he was mental at the age of 28. Oh, Karl. You never let me down. You NEVER let me down. So, have you got Educating Ricky for me?

Karl: Got Educating Ricky coming up.

Ricky: You've got Rockbusters.

Karl: We've got Rockbusters.

Steve: Some great prizes as well.

Ricky: As seen and talked about in Heat.

Steve Laughs

Steve: In Heat magazine.

Karl: It's got really tough this week now. We're not messing about anymore.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Got some good prizes.

Steve: Absolutely and we'll talk about those later. Uh, cause I mean, was it last week you had the classic, was it, um, I can't remem-, I'm paraphrasing here Karl, apologies, something like I'm here in Texas. I've fallen in a puddle and my knee has got wet.

Ricky: Yeah, wet-knee Houston.

Steve: Wet-knee Houston. Whitney Houston.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And also, it was last week when there was a little bit of confunsion over, uh, the one for Holly Valence, right.

Steve: Of course.

Karl: Um...

Steve: I don't think it was confusion. I think it was your error.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No no no, it wasn't. It was...

Ricky: It was holy valence and you meant pelmet.

Karl: Ah, then...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: ...Becky who called up that time and said "Ah if, you-you get a mistaken with pelmet, right, she sent me an in a week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Sayin', "I done a bit of research."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: "It was my fault. I've mad an error."

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: "It is a valence."

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: And I know about valences as I told you last week, at very end, me Auntie loves em.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. She um...she makes em'. She started off just like putting em' on top of the, uh, sorta' window round' the curtain. And then she-she thought "Oh, I can do more with this."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: And she had a little coffe table that had magazines underneath...

Steve: Yeah

Karl: ...and she said "Oh, I'm sick o' seein' those magazines when I'm sat down."

Steve: She sounds...

Ricky Laughs

Steve: ...she sounds like a Pilkington.

Karl: So...

Ricky Continues To Laugh

Ricky: "I'm sick of seein' them magazines when I sit down."

Karl: So she put a valence round' the table...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah

Steve: So it's got valences round' everything now?

Karl: Then...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...next step. She tapes everything. She never actually watches telly, she tapes it all...

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: ...cause she gets sick of listening to the adverts and that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So she tapes everything. So she's got loads of video tapes and that and the video used to get on her nerves, when she was watcing a film she'd see the clock changing.

Steve: Oh.

Karl: ...and it'd distract her from the film so she put a valence round' that.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's genius. Yeah

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: That is really...

Steve: Or...or is it mental?

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: Only Mrs. Einstein can tell us.

Ricky: I don't know. She's even made her little, um, Jack Russell look like a hover craft.

Karl: If you stand still, that's it.

Steve: So, everything's got a valence?

Karl: It's, if you go round' and you stand still for too long the chances are that she'll put a valence round' your head.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: This the, uh, this Auntie who?

Karl: Auntie Nora.

Ricky: And this is the one who farted for five minutes.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Lest our listeners forget.

Steve: Lest we forget.

Ricky: Farted for fives minutes, called his mum saying "I'm farting." two minutes into the fart.

Karl: She said "I'm about two-and-a-half minutes in."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: She said "I'm about two-and-a-half minutes into the fart."

Karl: Well, me me mum said "How longs it been going on for?" She said "Well, it was about two-and-a-half minutes before I called you."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then it went on for a further two, two-and-a-half minutes or something.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: And uh, then it stopped. And, uh...

Ricky: She couldn't time her cause there was a valence over the clock. Cause it used to annoy her when she on the phone. It would put her off. She was guessing it was five minutes.

Steve: This was one consistent fart.

Karl: Yeah. I mean it wasn't making a noise. It was just...

Steve: Oh, it wasn't making a noise?

Karl: Just gas.

Ricky Snickers

Steve: Right, endless gas.

Karl: So, uh there you go.

Ricky: That's fantastic. Well, we started off with a new one. A little bit of Foo Fighters. We like new and old on this show, don't we.

Steve: Indeed. We like to mix it up.

Ricky: I'd like to play, this is Smiths from there debut album, um, I Don't Owe You Anything.

Song: Smiths - I Don't Owe You Anything