28 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 28 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
Currently being transcribed by Gtpod(WikiSysop).

You Haven't Probed Me Enough

Ricky: Ash... and Envy, on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Absolutely, yeah, hello.

Ricky: That clang you heard there isn't Karl.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Karl's away, it's Sturgess.

Steve: Claire Sturgess is 'ere.

Claire: Hello.

Steve: You'll know her from The Claire Sturgess Show, but er, we know her from our early days on Xfm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, y'know, we're good friends.

Ricky: It's sort of like, old times isn't it, and Karl is er, had a little surprise birthday present.

Steve: What's the story with this Claire, 'cause I don't know anything about this.

Claire: Well, I, d'y'know, I-I came in on Monday expecting to see his little smiley face-

Steve: Sure.

Claire: -as usual, and er, they said "well he's not here." I went "what d'you mean?" they said apparently his girlfriend had surprised him and dragged him off to the Caribbean for a week.

Steve: Wow!

Ricky: No, Canaries isn't it?

Claire: Oh Cana- I mean I dunno.

Ricky: Yeah, he likes the Caribbean, he likes the crabs.

Steve: Yes. Yeah.

Claire laughs.

Steve: I thought he was bored of the Caribbean, I thought he didn't enjoy it last time?

Ricky: No he loved it didn't he?

Steve: No I don't think he did enjoy the crabs.

Ricky: No it was Tunisia he didn't like.

Steve: Right. He's been travelling ha'n't he?

Ricky: I know yeah.

Steve: He gets about.

Ricky: He didn't like Tunisia 'cause there's flies the size of matchboxes.

Steve: Course.

Ricky: And er...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: And er, midgets in the kitchen. No there's nothing wrong with that-

Steve: Yeah. "Midges"? Or midgets?

Claire laughs.

Ricky: Midgets he said... in the kitchen...

Steve: Right. It was midgets?

Ricky: He wasn't saying anything bad, he just said "there were lots of midgets in there."

Steve: Lots of midgets in the kitchen?

Ricky: And I thought it was- he'd gone away to some sort of like, theme holiday.

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Erm... but er, no this is er, I think Gran Canaria, or the Canaries, or whatever it's... called...

Steve: And how old is Karl?

Ricky: 30.

Steve: Is he 30? Is that- is this the big 3-0?

Ricky: 30 last week I think, yeah.

Claire: Oh so it was actually a birthday present, oh I see right...

Ricky: Yeah... yeah...

Claire: Okay I just thought...

Ricky: So but, but, but that's alright.

Steve: So have you got a competition that you can er, regale us with Claire? 'Cause er, obviously Karl provides a lot on this show.

Ricky: Hold on! We could do White Van Claire!

Steve: White Van Claire!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Have you- are you familiar with this? We ask you-

Claire: No?

Steve: -the questions, er topical questions, just getting your opinion really on the week's news.

Claire: Okay, yeah yeah.

Ricky: It's on the spot...

Steve: Look forward to that...

Claire: But you know I'm a little bit... y'know...

Steve: Little bit simple? That's fine.

Claire: No just a little bit... y'know...

Steve: What?

Ricky: What?

Claire: I always sit on the fence.

Ricky: Oh right.

Steve: Well don't sit on the fence-

Ricky: You see- you see the worse thing there was, she was saying "I'm a little bit like, y'know, er, liberal or I dunno", and you went "simple?"

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: You assumed-

Steve: I didn't know, I thought- "I'm a little bit, what, coked up?" I dunno.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Who knows, it's Sturgess, anything could be possible.

Ricky: But but, the other thing is with Karl, we didn't know how good value Karl was until we asked him sort of intelligent questions.

Steve: Well this is true enough, yeah.

Ricky: 'Cause he- he looks quite intelligent, doesn't he.

Steve: Well this is it, I mean-

Ricky: We might discover-

Steve: -I don't think we've probed you enough. We don't know what, y'know, your views are.

Claire: You haven't probed me enough actually Steve, no.

Steve: But we don't know what your views are, y'know, this is what I'm saying, we don't know where you stand. I mean don't sit on the fence, this is the- this is the new Claire Sturgess.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Okay, okay.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Dynamic...

Steve: We're gonna delve deep, find a personality in there Claire. Alright?

Ricky: Let's go back to the old days -- how about a bit of The Smiths?

Steve: That was beautiful Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Aw you've been practising haven't you?

Ricky: Cemetery Gates.

Steve: Lovely.

Uneasy Listening

Song: The Smiths - Cemetery Gates

Ricky: Smiths. Cemetery Gates. It's a lovely tune.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Lovely song. There's one bit that worries me about it, it's sort of like a... a- like a teacher warning, who goes "if you must contrive er, prose and poems then the words you use should be your own. Don't plagiarise or take on loan", it's sort of like, well why are you telling us that for?

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Sort of like got people like going, "thanks Morissey, I was-"

Steve laughs.

Ricky: "-actually yeah that's not mine, that's Wordsworth. Right I'm gonna write my own."

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: It's weird isn't it?

Steve: Queen is Dead though, one of the great, great album titles.

Ricky: I don't think- it's not my favourite album. It was voted best album of all time-

Steve: But The Smiths, what I love about The Smiths they just seem to get- like "The Smiths" is just a brilliant name don't you think? It just captures everything about them.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah-

Steve: Y'know...

Ricky: We've got a thing about bad-

Steve: Bad yeah... well I was watching, I was watching er VH1 Classic Smooth last night.

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Steve: And er, I love it-

Ricky: Sade?

Steve: Sade always on, you can always get- love a bit of Sade.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: But erm, Foreigner were on.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Claire: Ohh, classic!

Ricky: "I've been waiting for a girl..."

Steve: And er, well I dunno which- I can't remember which tune it was, but er, the album I noticed it came from - classy album title: Agent Provocateur.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: It's so- it makes my skin crawl.

Ricky: But I also-

Steve: From the album Agent Provocateur.

Ricky: I- I imagine there's a band called Agent Provocateur, erm, and they're from Wigan, it's a girl singer, she's 35-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -in a tight dress-

Claire laughs.

Ricky: -and it's four blokes with ponytails.

Steve: Yeah exactly, yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Doing covers.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah exactly yeah.

Steve: "Here's one you may remember."

Ricky: Yeah, they d- then they play a wedding and they go "we're not doing a wedding again, there was people- there was cake-"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "-being trodden in, there was kids-"

Steve: "Children were just sliding across the parquet floor, they weren't listening to the music."

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah. "Well we got a gig at the marquee-"

Steve laughs.

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: "-coming up soon, this er- endless guestlist, five quid in."

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Ahh.

Steve: Ahh, Agent Provocateur, if your band's Agent Provocateur, or "Ay-gent" Provocateur-

Ricky: Oh yeah, have you ever been in a band-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -called Agent Pr- yeah.

Steve: But er, but that's gotta be one of the- 'cause it's not- I don't know what that title say- I don't imagine Foreigner have got that sense of intrigue and...

Ricky: Well one of my- right, one of the worst names- right okay, T'Pau-

Claire laughs.

Steve: Who?

Ricky: Right it's the worst- it's- I'm gonna- yeah let's start "Worst Album Titles" okay? I'll kick off with T'Pau - Bridge of Spies.

Steve laughs.

Claire and Steve: Oooohhh!

Steve: Oh... Bridge of Spies, is that the one that featured China in Your Hand?

Ricky: I assume so, I don't think they did too many. Erm, okay-

Steve: Bridge of Spies... Bridge of Spies?!

Ricky: Who did this album- who did this album, erm, Begger on a Beach of Gold.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Begger on a Beach of Gold, it's got the likes of Collins written all over it, but I know it's not, go on-

Ricky: Very close! Mechanics.

Steve: Mike and the Mechanics.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Course.

Ricky: I dunno what that means.

Steve: Good old Mike and the Me-

Ricky: "He's a beggar on a beach of gold, just look around you, there's some... money...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: He's saying- he's saying "don't be a tramp there's some money there look mate."

Steve: Some gold...

Ricky: I dunno what it means.

Steve: I think it means that everyone else is rich but he's still poor.

Ricky: ... yeah. Yeah! I li- actually I like it.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Yeah!

Claire: Oh it's a bit deep for me Steve, sorry.

Steve: Maybe you just need a little asterix at the corner, then a little explanation at the bottom of the record cover.

Claire laughs.

Steve: "I'm thinking of buying this, I'm not quite sure what it means; oh! He's very poor originally...

Ricky: Nice one. Erm, Chumbawamba.

Steve: Well, y'know, what can I-

Ricky: Uneasy Listening.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Yes! I bet it was, from the Chumbas! Are they still cracking on? 'Cause they-

Ricky: I think so.

Steve: -didn't they used to live in a squat?

Ricky: They've done about, erm, 400 albums, them and The Levelers.

Steve: Mmm, yeah.

Ricky: ... who's the best, Chumbawamba or The Levelers?

Steve: Good question, thanks for asking that, erm...

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Ricky: Yeah, what's the telephone number Claire?

Claire: It's er, 08700 800 1234.

Steve: Or you can email [email protected], worst album titles ever.

Ricky: This is like real radio innit?

Steve: It's just like Chris Moyles.

Ricky: It is innit?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Ohhhh...

Steve: We've got the big fat guy who's on the telly.

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: Y'know... and er, his kinda cheeky sidekick.

Ricky: Am I er- Comedy Dave?

Steve: You're almost as funny as Moyles.

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Steve: Fingers crossed one day...

Ricky: Right Sturgess you've brought in a record haven't you, what're you gonna play, what's this all about?

Claire: Well know I just wanted to- d'you know what like, a- a bootleg is? Ricky?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh what're you talking about, I've stacked a lot of them up on white label.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Claire: Yeah, yeah? Okay, well no this is quite a good one that Ian Baker brought in the other day.

Ricky: Sure.

Claire: It's er, it's a bit of Dre, a bit of Snoop Dogg...

Ricky: Oh yeah...

Claire: Mixed in with Crowded House, I thought you'd love it.

Ricky: Hold on!

Steve: I'm intrigued.

Ricky: The juxtaposition there is exciting in itself.

Steve laughs.

Steve: That's true enough, play it.

Golfy Golfy Golf Golf

Song: Go Home Productions - The Weather Episode