26 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 26 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

My First Studio (With a Little Picture of Karl On It)

Ricky: Doves. Caught by the river on XFM, 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington – doing the buttons and stuff. Actually becoming a little bit of a producer!

Steve: Karl? Yeah.

Ricky: He’s put a bit of work in hasn’t he, he’s come up with a few games, and we made him – he’s getting a bit stressed when we shout at him because the mics don’t work or it’s hanging off or it’s too hot in here. He couldn’t get the thing working last week, I mean – I really would throw this studio away and get a real one.

Steve: Yeah. Well I’d get one of those ones you can buy for like a tenner from Argos.

Ricky: Argos, yeah, like "Bontempi: My first studio."

Steve: Yeah "My first broadcasting studio."

Ricky: With a little picture of Karl on it.

Steve: Yeah exactly. That’d be great product placement.

Ricky: What’ve you got this week for us Karl because, again, we’ve put very little – I said I would put – I’m not hung-over but I’ve put nothing into it.

Steve: Rick, have you done any work for this week’s show?

Ricky: No, no. Have you?

Steve: None whatsoever? Nooo no no.

Ricky: OK Karl. What’ve you got? Keep em – Quick, it’s five past already. They’re turning over already, they’re finding other things.

Steve: Karl what have you come up with?

Ricky: There’s Mel and Sue, there’s everything. Go on.

Karl: We’ve got – after the success of last week – Rockbusters. We’re doing that again.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Sorry –were you on the same show as us?

Karl: I thought it went alright last week.

Ricky: Yeah, good.

Karl: So we’ll be doing that. Got some nice prizes which –

Ricky: Ooh what prizes! What arbitrary films have we got, we haven’t got – have we got -

Steve: Don’t tell them yet!

Ricky: No – I tell you what if it’s "Children of the Corn 2", then can I enter this competition?

Karl: There you go. Cop a load of that.

Ricky: What is that?

Steve: He’s got some different prizes – maybe I should just tease the audience with those a bit later Rick because there’s some exciting stuff there.

Ricky: Oh right, yeah. It’s going to be amazing.

Steve: I don’t want to give too much away Rick but one of them is a copy of the Office on DVD.

Ricky: Is anything like maybe Burt Reynolds’s straight to video film? Are any of those in there?

Steve: Sadly nothing quite as classy.

Ricky: “Fist.” Oh god.

Karl: Right, so we’ve got that lot to give away.

Ricky: Yep, yep. Go on.

Karl: We’ve got educating Ricky. Where I teach you stuff.

Ricky: Yep. Because you taught me that people used to eat tomatoes off lead plates in the land of Narnia, last week. Which was good. Yeah.

Karl: No...

Ricky: Is it only tomatoes they eat off the lead plates by the way? Why didn’t they think other fruits and vegetables were poisonous?

Karl: No it wasn’t. It was because tomatoes had acid in ‘em. That was the problem you see, you don’t listen.

Ricky: Well lots of fruits have acid in them.

Karl: Yeah but they didn’t eat them. Back then. They didn’t have bloody... kiwi fruit and stuff..

Ricky: Don’t say bloody! You’re a producer. I’ll start saying ‘shit’ and ‘cock’ and stuff. If you’re saying bloody.

Steve: Tits.

Ricky: Play... play the...

Karl: Hang on... and the... keep ‘em hooked, right, we’ve still got... Song with a story in it.

Ricky: Yeah. You don’t want to play Babooshka do you? He doesn’t like the idea of Babooshka - I told him that as a story and he doesn’t like it. ‘The devil went down to Georgia’, someone sent in, you know, ‘he’s looking for a soul to steal’. He doesn’t like it, why don’t you like that?

Karl: Do you know the song?

Steve: Not particularly.

Karl: Right. It’s a song about a lad who goes into a pub on a normal night –

Ricky: It’s in the deep south of America, New Orleans – or something like that, it’s not the Old Kent Road.

Steve: Right, okay.

Karl: He goes into the pub, there’s a devil in there. Who’s getting a bit cocky. He’s had a bit to drink and he’s saying do you wanna, sorta, gamble your soul away with me, and we’ll see who’s best at playing the violin.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And... Er, I think the lad wins in the end. But it... It’s not real enough. Whereas the one –

Ricky: Oh! What, not like the Shadow that got fed up and started pushing kids off bikes? In Boston.

Steve: Rick, I think you’re referring to stuff that no one made sense of last week.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly

Steve: I don’t think you should refer to last week’s -

Ricky: Let’s play Mock Turtles, ‘Can you dig it’, and then we’ll come back. And we’ll talk about that.

Karl: Alright then.

Steve: I’ve come to the conclusion Rick we should never refer to stuff Karl said in the past because it would just take too long to explain.

Ricky: Oh right okay, that’s fair enough.

Song: Mock Turtles – Can You Dig It?

You Know You're Going to Get Your Face Pummeled

Ricky: Mock Turtles. Can you dig it?

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: What I’ve done there is I’ve taken the title and I’ve done it like I’m talking to someone.

Steve: Sure, Sure.

Ricky: XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: So Karl how excited are you about Ricky’s celebrity boxing match? Are you gonna be there? Are you going to come along? Are you aware of all this, you’re aware of all this are you?

Karl: Yeah I’ve heard about it.

Steve: We can’t name the opponent because that should be a surprise -

Ricky: Or when it is.

Steve: But anyway it’s for charity is it, it’s a charity boxing match? And um -

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. I’ve always wanted to beat someone up for charity.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: It’s a good cause.

Steve: But the thing about Ricky is, I don’t know if you’re aware of this Karl, Ricky’s one of these men who... doesn’t mind making a fool of himself on the telly and being funny and stuff, but, if people said to him “Right, you can either be Britain’s funniest man – universally agreed that you’re the funniest man in Britain – or you could like, beat some gangsters up in a pub, he would go that. “Please, let me beat people up in a pub.” Maybe like an old man’s being hassled like by some street youths – you come in and smash some bottles over their heads and sort of sort it out.

Ricky: OK against the odds though.

Steve: Against the odds. There’s about five of them against you.

Ricky: Sure, sure, sure.

Steve: So Ricky’s got this kind of...

Ricky: Get to the point, come on.

Steve: Well the point is he quite likes the idea of being sort of macho you know what I mean and a tough guy, you know, cos he grew up in a rough –

Ricky: No! I like Boxing!

Steve: Yeah but you’d LOVE the idea of people going “Don’t mess with Ricky Gervais”. If someone said “Don’t mess with Ricky Gervais” that would be exciting wouldn’t it.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: “Never mess with Ricky Gervais, he will destroy you.” That’s what you’d love. Cos you used to do karate didn’t you?

Ricky: Ages ago yeah.

Steve: and didn’t you get all the way up to... white belt?

Ricky: No, I was one away from black and then I stopped cos that’s when I started working nights.

Steve: (sarcastically) One step away from black.

Ricky: I was!

Steve: Were you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: OK. Anyway I was chatting to him last night in the pub cos the boxing match is obviously in about five weeks time I think isn’t it, and anyway... He was sat there, Karl, I don’t know if you know this about Ricky but he’s taken to smoking cigars. Are you aware of this?

Ricky: No I have the occasional one..

Steve: He got a cigar, he got like a Montecristo out of his pocket, it was ludicrous. He looked like George Peppard, from the A-Team or something. It was pathetic. And he was drinking Guinness, and I was saying to him – aren’t you doing a boxing match soon? And –

Ricky: I haven’t started training yet, I’m starting training next week.

Steve: and you’re not concerned that it’s gonna have an impact? What I’m saying is boxers - You know they normally put in some effort and stuff.

Ricky: (laughing) yeah like years of training. Getting up at 5:30 and stuff.

Steve: Yeah. Cos you reminded me of Frank Bruno, when he was preparing for panto.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Not when he was...

Ricky: I don’t think he even smoked then did he. Or drank.

Steve: So what’s your thinking Rick? Cos you know you’re going to get your face pummelled, you know that they’re gonna destroy you. You haven’t got a chance.

Ricky: That’s why I left it this long, so I definitely lost my looks.

Steve: But you haven’t got a chance.

Ricky: You’re having a laugh.

Steve: Have you ever been – taken a punch to the face?

Ricky: Sorry, listen – Sorry -

Steve: But i’m genuinely concerned!

Ricky: is this sort of, psychological training because –

Steve: No it’s not psychological training it’s a warning.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’ve spoken to your friends and your loved ones and they all agree. We’ve got a petition going! We’re sending it to the BBC. “Please do not let this man box.” Anyone else, please, but – you’re just. They’re going to beat you – seriously have you ever had like a boxing glove in the face?

Ricky: No.

Steve: I think you should let us punch you next week live on this show.

Ricky: You’d like that wouldn’t you.

Steve: No because you’ve got to get used to it! Cos I think you’re gonna either... cry, just start crying uncontrollably, or just run away. You’ll just run away, you’ll just climb out the ring and run off.

Ricky: (laughing) yeah. This is the same tactic that Ali used against Foreman in “Rumble in the Jungle.” Oh dear.

Steve: Cos I think a boxing glove – I know you’re wearing like, huge, aren’t you wearing like huge foam boxing gloves?

Ricky: No, not now no we’re not. We’re using normal amateur ones.

Steve: Are you wearing boxing gloves like those ones they used to have on Gladiators? Another one bites the dust.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Those big foam – you can slap each other.

Ricky: Neck braces yeah. And a big sumo suit. So I should be OK.

Steve: You get some kind of head protection do you?

Ricky: Yeah it’s amateur.

Steve: It’s amateur you say!

Ricky: No I mean it’s –

Steve: So there’s no title here is there?

Ricky: No, I mean amateur is head guards, vest, and 16 oz gloves or something. As opposed to professional which is no vest – bare-chested, oh! Maybe I could ask to fight bare-chested cos I’d quite like to show off my body, if I could.

Steve: I think wrestling is probably better for you.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But I don’t mean those kinda like - the Rock and people like that I’m talking about Big Daddy – that kind of, where you can just throw yourself at someone.

Ricky: That’d be good. Where they can be sort of nearly dying but they can do a stomach-butt. A stomach to stomach – that’s a good move isn’t it, in British wrestling. I always liked that one.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Like two elephant seals fighting over a female.

Steve: Yeah. Is it true you spent – knowing you - you spent more time deciding what tune you’re going to enter the ring to?

Ricky: I wanna come out to California by 2pac and Dr.Dre. I think that’d be really good.

Steve: I think that’s embarrassing.

Ricky: I’m gonna come out with loads of um – little midgets to make me look really big.

Steve: Sure, sure.

Ricky: I mean, I dunno what the BBC think of that but –

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it might be an idea.

Steve: I dunno. Maybe we should take suggestions as to songs which would be perhaps more appropriate.

Ricky: OK.

Steve: “I get knocked down.” But I get up again.

Ricky: Hey fatty boom-boom.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. It’s going to be pathetic.

Ricky: Play a record Karl. He’s dissed me.

Steve: You’ll take a punch to the jaw next week, on air.

Ricky laughs.

Song: Turin Brakes – Long Distance

I Could Get a Lot More Work Done in a Starbucks

Ricky: Turin Brakes. Long Distance. On XFM, 104.9.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: On the way in – right, you know those little cars. They look like a little bubble car, they’re modern ones they look like half a car. The ones –

Steve: Is that like a “Smart” car? Is that what it’s called?

Ricky: Yeah, they just look like – they just look like a toy car, and you can park them sideways.

Steve: Mm. There’s only room for two people.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. It’s just like half of the – the front of a Volkswagen just cut in half, right. And I saw one going down Oxford Street, and it’s a police car.

Steve laughs

Ricky: A real police car. Right.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah. And – I mean, I thought – What happens if they have to chase someone – They couldn’t, but I don’t think that’s the point – because it was written on the side, it said something like “Cleaner,” something-er, “more efficient”, so I think they’re making the point that - we’re cruising around in this car like we’re on the beat and it’s using less energy and stuff. But the first thing I thought of, right, was that those two policemen, they must have been going “Oh Sarge, don’t let us have that one. Can’t we have the Grenada.”

Steve: Yeah. It’s so embarrassing.

Ricky: I know. Police – you know, they’re doing a –

Steve: But you’ve got to respect them. Street toughs have got to respect them.

Ricky: Yeah I know, of course yeah – Exactly -

Steve: The only thing more embarrassing –

Ricky: What if you’re really tall and you have to climb out of one and you’re a copper.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Are there any policemen out there who have been asked to drive one of these cars, if you’re listening – Do you think police listen to this?

Steve: The only thing that would be more embarrassing is if you had to patrol on one of those bikes The Goodies used to ride.

Ricky laughs

Steve: That’s the only thing I think that would be more pathetic.

Ricky: Or a pogo stick.

Steve: Yeah. It’s so embarrassing. Or on roller-skates. But not like rollerblades – roller-skates, those really old roller-skates.

Ricky: Have you seen those –

Steve: That you tie on your socks.

Ricky: Have you seen those little bikes? That look like clown bikes, that couriers use now. They’re about a foot high.

Steve: I saw a guy the other day on it and my head turned yeah. Really bizarre. Are they those ones, they fold up?

Ricky: Yeah. But think of a policeman chasing you on that.

Steve: Well I always remember even in America when you started seeing policemen riding bikes, it didn’t seem to me... it seemed..

Ricky: they’re quite cool. The ones that go through central park on the mountain bikes, yeah.

Steve: Cos they seemed – it looks like they should be delivering newspapers.

Ricky: Because they whizz along at 30 miles an hour – delivering newspapers (laughs)

Steve: Do you know what I mean because on motorbikes – On a Harley Davidson or whatever I’m not messing with a cop. Chips, I mean chips - that’s cool coppers. People in a Smart car or, a you know – It is a bit embarrassing.

Ricky: Yeah. But I suppose it’s either that or – it’s better than walking. You see -

Steve: You might as well see them – if you really want to be kind of worried about the environment - you know those little taxis you see that people pedal. They pedal round Soho.

Ricky: Yeah and when it’s like a riot squad there’s four in the back

Steve: Exactly.

Karl: But that’s the thing right, if they need to arrest someone –

Ricky: Oh, here we are. Here we go. Go on.

Karl: No well what do they do. Because they do only sit two so, do they have to flag a cab down or something for the criminal.

Steve: It’s a good point. “We’ll give you the money – get a receipt, take –“

Ricky: “You definitely will go there? You definitely will because we’ve been caught this way before.”

Steve: Yeah exactly.

Ricky: The last bloke he just ran off. ‘No I won’t run off’ Okay, well I tell you what um, mr. Policeman – I’ll take your car. “Okay go on then.” Yeah, you’ll definitely bring it back though. I will, I will. Isn’t there something in America where when they arrest someone in America, they don’t take them back to the station and fill out all the forms, they just take them back to the station, and then they go and fill the forms out in a café or something so they’re still looking out.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yep. Karl told me that.

Steve: They what? So they’re still on patrol or something?

Ricky: Yeah. So they’re doing all their paperwork but they’re in a café window and they’re looking out.

K: Do you know like how they say in this country so much police time’s wasted by having to go back to the office and filling out loads of forms.}}

Steve: That sounds like a policeman going “Yeah, I could get a lot more work done if I was in Starbucks.”

Ricky: “Yeah yeah there’s a lot of criminals in the pub and if I would be able to keep the receipts”

Steve: “What’s safest is if I didn’t wear my uniform, and probably got drunk with some mates..”

Ricky: “Or... A lot happens looking out my bedroom window, so if I was just like, snoozing. And when I heard a noise I’d pop my head - just look out. Oi! Come here!”

Steve: Apparently there’s a lot of crime in Marbella over the next two weeks. Pay me to shoot over there..

Ricky: If there’s a policeman listening and you’ve been asked to drive one of those cars were you annoyed when your Sargent –

Steve: It is the most embarrassing. Definitely.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Definately.

Ricky: Yeah. No I think the pogo stick. The triple tandem.

Steve: (laughing) The triple tandem.

Ricky: We should get that, for when we do our roadshow. Karl does all the peddaling. I’m in a basket in the front.

Steve: “Hello Western Super-Mare!”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Play a record Karl what’ve you got.

Karl: What do you want, a bit of Mott the Hoople?

Ricky: Oh Mott the Hoople! Yeah. Dug it out the library. Had one, the greatest hits, which was enough wasn’t it.

Steve: That’s a bit Rock for us Rick.

Ricky: Roll away the stone.

Stephen the Owl

Ricky: Coldplay. The Scientist.

Steve: Have you seen the video for that?

Ricky: No but...

Steve: Absolutely magnificent.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: It’s brilliant.

Ricky: Is it the one where he’s walking backwards through the woods?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh yes, I have. Yeah.

Steve: Absolutely extraordinary. Well done to Coldplay.

Ricky: I like all their videos. I think they’re great. I still haven’t worked out how they do that one with the – whether it’s a filter and they just turn up the light, cos it gets light – through the duration of the video

Steve: Oh and they’re just walking along, yeah. Impressive.

Ricky: Yeah. And it’s slow as well so must’ve... done it fast and slowed it down.

Steve: Yeah. I’d like them to win an award.

Ricky: I’d like them to win awards. I like Coldplay.

Steve: Yeah. Good luck to them. Rick, can I just – sorry, I don’t mean to abuse our position again, but Bruce Springsteen is performing in London tomorrow night. You remember I made an appeal to try and get a free ticket. Well I don’t even mind paying – I tried to pay – but -

Ricky: That’s good of you!

Steve: Well I’m a generous kind of guy.

Ricky: I thought you were mean. But go on what were you going to say.

Steve: All I’m saying is –

Ricky: You don’t mind paying for a ticket – Face value I mean you don’t want to be ripped off do you.

Steve: Don’t be crazy. You know ideally half price.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I’ve been chasing, kind of, my tail really – I’m not going, at the moment I’m not going. And I’m desperate to see the man. You know, he’s going to do a great concert; it’s his only one in London. I can’t believe that being on the radio, being on XFM, the listenership’s going up apparently – I can’t believe I can’t get a ticket. I’ve asked Karl, he’s done nothing. He’s done nothing.

Karl: Hang on a minute.

Ricky: No, Karl had a very good point. Karl, tell them what you said when he was whinging in the break.

Karl: First of all, whilst you’re moaning, you also asked in the week for a Badly Drawn Boy album.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You got in today – there’s one there for you.

Steve: Well yeah but it’s yin and yang Karl.

Karl: And it’s like yeah but I didn’t, you know -

Ricky: Karl, what’s Steve ever done for you? That’s what you’ve got to ask yourself. What has Steve ever done for you?

Karl: Well. He took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no one else would probably no one else would wanna go with you.

Steve: You’re having a laugh! What is this!

Ricky: I can’t believe that... I do not believe that. Oh Steve – I’m going to stitch you up now Karl – and this is in a nice way and don’t worry, it won’t be too bad, he won’t take it too bad. Karl sent me a little text message today.

Steve: Right. Oh, what is this?

Ricky: Right, Okay.

Steve: You know I’m in a very frail mood at the moment cos I’m not going to see Bruce.

Ricky: No you’ll like this, this is funny. Cos me and him have been sending like trivia back and forth to each other. Which is another point right – I sent him – Oh, well I’ll get to that in a minute – I thought he’d really be amazed with –

Steve: Well while you’re fiddling – If you can make my dream come true, to go and see Bruce Springsteen tomorrow then give us a call on the usual number.

Karl: Yeah. But like I said, Steve -

Steve: What?

Karl: Right. You just said while the song was on – Can’t believe it, we work at XFM, and I can’t get tickets for Springsteen. Right, ‘we work in radio we should get tickets’ –

Steve: Which I’m willing to pay for!

Karl: Yeah, But if it’s sold out it’s sold out.

Steve: Yeah but that’s just something they say...

Karl: Right that’s just what they say is it. So everybody on local radio stations say ‘do you know,. I like that Bruce Springsteen I want a free ticket’, right – so another say, four -

Steve: I tried to phone! I phoned for an hour and a half I couldn’t get through!

Ricky: Not long enough.

Karl: Not long enough.

Steve: What you talking about? I’ve put the hours in.

Ricky: Nah.

Karl: Right, so, another 400 people turn up at the gig, they cram ‘em all in, there’s people being crushed, you know – they’ve paid the money early they were up early that day when the phone lines were open. Whilst you were probably sleeping, and that. So they’re dedicated and they’re the ones at the front getting crushed.

Steve: What?

Karl: Would you be happy...

Steve: Why are they getting crushed?

Karl: ...if you were there, getting crushed?

Steve: I don’t – I’ll sit at the side of the stage and watch him! I don’t mind!

Karl: Yeah but – Everyone will say that then. And before you know it – No one can see anything.

Ricky: Yep. Nope. Karl’s right on this one.

Ricky: Right here you go let me just read this. I’m gonna give you this here, I’m handing over my mobile phone to Steve to read the – you can see its from Karl at the top, but just read it out, as you scroll down, just read it out loud.

Steve: Is this a text message from..?

Ricky: Yeah it’s a text message to me from Karl. Read it out.

Steve: “...To see at night as well as an owl, you would need eyes the size of grapefruits. If only Stephen could turn his head right round as well.”

Steve: Karl I can’t believe it. What upsets me most, Karl, is not the fact that you’ve been slagging me off, behind my back, it’s the fact that you’ve got the cheek to come on here, and moralise because you failed to get me tickets and make a dream come true. You’ve come on here trying to pass the buck and say that it’s a health and safety problem, when in actual fact it’s a Karl Pilkington problem.

Ricky mumbles, eating

Steve: I can’t... I’m devastated, I’m devastated.

Ricky: Let’s play a record.

Steve: I’m just... absolutely

Ricky: I should have eaten this banana off air.

Steve: What’s the number?

Karl: It’s 08700 800 1234. But if it’s sold out Steve It’s sold out.

Ricky: A bit of a classic here, R.E.M.

Steve: I bet if Ricky really wanted to go it’d be fine, I’m sure someone could sort it out then. (mocks) Ooh if Ricky Gervais wants to go he can come.

Ricky: I am going.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Do you want some tickets though?