23 November 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 23 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

MTV Karl

Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Zephyr Song

Ricky: Red Hot Chili Peppers on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant...

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington...

Karl: Alright.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Don't be nervous, uh, we, we might see a difference in Karl, he's a little shy, um, there's someone here from the BBC filming this part of that celebrity boxing thing, "The Fight", I think it's called and they're... they want to get a little clip of this so we're gonna let 'em film for a minute and then they're gonna go away. Is that alright Karl?

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: He doesn't want, he doesn't want to be on camera, do ya? do ya?

Karl: I think it ruins radio, dunnit?

Steve Laughs

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well not for the people listening, it doesn't.

Karl: Yeah, but it does because people are like "Ooooh, that - he sounds like a bit of a looker."

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What, you?

Karl: Yeah, and then they'll see it on the telly and they'll go, "God, yeah, you know, his head IS round."

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It IS round though, innit?

Karl: So...

Ricky: Guess what? I got a call yesterday, um - you'll love this Steve

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: From MTV and uh, they were wonderin' if um, they could screen test Karl.

Steve: That's outrageous.

Ricky: I'm lovin' it and I was goin', "Yeah and I come"... I said, "Yeah, yeah it is fine. I'll come down with him" and I was sayin', "What about this, that and that" and they were lovin' it, I called him up and he went, "Oh nooo", I went, "Why not?", he went "Well, I'm looking at my reflection now in the mirror" he said "I shouldn't be on the telly".

Steve: What would you wear for your screen test, Karl? What kind of look would you try to cultivate, 'cause you've got to bear in mind that the audience out there, they don't know what you look like, so would you be a snappy dresser like say, Jonathan Ross, or would you go for your kind of street-cas look...

Karl: Can't, can't, can't wear a suit. Don't -

Steve: You can't wear a suit?

Karl: Don't hold it well.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So I'm thinking, uhh... I don't know, I'll probably wear me wooly hat cuz that takes some years off me.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: It does, he looks about 10 with a wooly hat on.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: And uhm, -

Steve: Is it quite a cool wooly hat or has it got a bobble?

Karl: It's charcoal. I'd say it's the 'in', 'in' color.

Steve: I-In, yeah, yeah, OK.

Karl: Umm, and I'd probably wear me, uh, me anorak.

Ricky: Oooooohhh, he's goin' for the... he's goin' for glam!

Steve: He's goin' for the wooly hat and anorak look!

Ricky: He's going for quite a glam look! Oooh!

Karl: No one else has done it.

Ricky: Dressed for a jumble sale!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Wow.... yeah!

Karl: But I'm not, I'm not that happy about it, to be honest.

Steve: Are you gonna do it? You're not gonna do it?

Karl: Well... I'm sort of stuck in the middle, cuz, throughout my life so far...

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: I've always just - I've never planned for anything, right, it's just always happened.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: The time - ya know what I mean? - bein' in plays at school - never planned it, but when I did it, I went down a storm.

Steve: It was a triumph, yeah we all remember that.

Karl: So...

Ricky: As I remember you did "Little Donkey"?

Karl: Did "Little Donkey", yeah.

Ricky: And then later someone was filming at the back - was it your dad's mate?

Karl: Me dad's mate.

Ricky: Yeah and on the camcorder - he listened to it back - watched him playing it - his dad says... just off-camera... what's he say?

Karl: I don't wanna say it cuz I'm in charge of the show, and I th- it'd be irresponsible.

Ricky: "He looks like a right twat."

Steve Laughs

Karl: So... I, I -

Ricky: And so he gets home, list- watchin' that and then hears his dad just off-camera go, "He looks like a right twat."

Steve Laughs

Karl: Yeah, alright, yeh.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What are ya worried about? You're dad sayin' that or the word -

Steve: Can I just interject because I'm really worried about this idea of Karl being on MTV because the problem is that, you know, let's be honest Rick, I mean we're, we're gettin' by the skin of our teeth, aren't we really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's only Karl that's keeping this afloat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And if he gets on MTV and the world sort of gets a sense of him and they understand him and, and he, he won't be ours anymore, we won't be able to control him, he'll be out there, he'll be in the -

Karl: No, no, no, no -

Ricky: Well, that, that's the thing, no, that's the thing, that's the terrible thing though, isn't it? It's like Karl is my pet but I realize I've got to release him into the wild sorta-

Steve: Into the wild -

Ricky: And, you know, because I love him I know he's gotta go free -

Steve Laughs

Ricky: But I wanna, I want -

Steve: Yeah, it's like "Kez".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Maybe someone will beat him to death and we won't have to worry.

Ricky Laughs Harder

Karl: I'll have you on though, I'll have you on as a guest.

Steve Laughs

Steve: What -

Karl: Which gets me on to something we've got coming up today -

Ricky: Oh yeah, he's got a new idea.

Karl: Yeah -

Steve: Right.

Karl: Ehm, do you know like, I've talked about ghosts and we had that good discussion the other week walking to -

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Piccadilly Circus Station, yeah?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I was telling you about ghosts and you were saying, "Karl, don't be an idiot" and all that. Uhh, spoke to a woman in the week, done a little interview with her -

Steve: You've done a little interview? Brilliant.

Karl: Done a little interview. Two minutes or so with, uhh...

Steve: OK.

Karl: with a woman who's, who's got ghosts in her house.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: So, uhhh...

Steve: I look forward to hearing that later, that sounds brilliant.

Karl: Got that coming up later!

Ricky: Well I'm gonna play a classic tune now. I've, I've just gone straight for it, I've gone for the jugular, this is "Ziggy Stardust" by David Bowie.

Song: David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust

Steve Wants Revenge

Ricky: Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl's also nervous because he had a bit of shock last week, didn't ya?

Karl: Just a little bit.

Ricky: His, uh, his dad tuned in...

Steve: To the show?

Ricky: Yeah. Um, and Karl's never told him that he actually speaks on the show, he just says, "I press the buttons", right. He's kept him from it - you used to do radio before, you never told him did ya?

Karl: No.

Ricky: It's because the "Little Donkey" incident.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: When you went on stage -

Steve: Was that the "twat" incident?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And so he's never told him since but... but they've promised not to listen, haven't they?

Karl: Well, me dad said.... uhhh, me mam said to me, "Don't worry, don't be put off this week" -

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Cuz umm...

Steve Laughs

Karl: You know, "I've told him he can't listen." But I've heard me dad in the background going, "Bollocks!" -

Steve Laughs

Karl: So, he might be listening. So that's extra pressure. Plus a camera crew in.

Ricky: I know! You don't like it do ya?

Steve: This is good training for MTV 'cause then he can watch you on TV and what's he gonna make of that?

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Does he know you're bald?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: You don't keep your hat on when you're with him and say, "Oh, no I just press the buttons", huh?

Karl: It's just, it's just, you know, it's like when, when I was in any plays I didn't tell him -

Ricky: No.

Karl: Ehm, any sort of parents evening I never gave him the note.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Really?!

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: So what did the teacher - so you were just an orphan?

Karl: No, just on an off-chance, um, my mate's dad spoke to me dad once, I think, and sort of said, "Oh, you goin' to school to see how", you know, "your kid's doin'?" He was like, "What are you talkin' about?"

Ricky Snickers

Karl: He said, "There's a parents evening." So he went -

Ricky: He said, "What kid?"

Karl: He went to one and that's when Mrs. Matthews said I'd never be a high flyer.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: How wrong was she?!

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: I think we should call Mrs. Matthews and make her eat her words.

Karl: Well...

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Uhhhh, she'll turn on to MTV one, ... I don't know like their, their "slammin' session" -

Steve and Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And there - go, and go, "That's young Pilkington!"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "He's bald but it's definitely him!"

Steve: "I recognize that wooly hat!"

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Um, did you see "Celebrity Fit Club" yesterday?

Steve: I missed it. I didn't watch any TV this week - the only TV I watched was, um, "Are You Good In Bed?"... I already knew the answer.

Ricky: Was it - you have to tick points?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It was "No".

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I was off the scale.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: Well, talkin' of off the scales - Rick Waller.

Steve: Really? He's not... what's happened?

Ricky: Well, what he did is, he lost, he lost weight and they couldn't believe it and he had a big argument with Harvey and they said, "Go, never come back to-", right, and then he got to weigh in and he'd lost sort of like 10 pounds or sommat.

Karl: Tshh.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And, uh, they were really... they said, "You've been starving yourself, haven't ya?" and he admitted it... and uhm -

Steve: But he just really wasn't wearing his underpants.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. But, um, but he was whinging all the time. I was watching it, he was doing a press, he was goin', "Aw, I've hurt me arm." Then he was going, "I feel sick." and then he was going, um, and he was just lying all the time about whether he was doing the routine and what - about what he was eatin' and stuff and I thought, "That's me" because I had the "Celebrity Box-"

Steve: Yeah, it sounds like you. It sounds like you.

Ricky: It is, because it's sort of like and they go, "How's it going? You haven't had a drink this week?" and I go, "Nooo."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Hadn't had a beer this week, nooo. "Did you do the excersise today?" and I go, "Yup. Yeah, I've done all that, done all that, done all that."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I try to get out of the sparring because it hurts, because there's a man hitting me in the face for fun, umm -

Steve: Right... the... cuz you know that's what boxing is? You are aware that -

Ricky: Again, that is - being hit - yeah. I like all the, I like all the bits, ... except the being hit. I don't even mind hitting someone!

Steve: Right, so you -

Ricky: I'd, I'd be willing to hit someone -

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: It's the getting hit that I don't like.

Steve: 'Cause I know you're a big fan of... umm... like wearing the clothes, the sort of sporty gear, I know you love -

Ricky: I'm looking good aren't I?

Steve: You look good and you've obviously spent their money.

Ricky: They've, they've give- no, no, they gave me this. For training.

Steve: Oh, that's free of - free of charge!

Ricky: This was free for training.

Steve: So I know that's a perk you love.

Ricky: So, uh...

Steve: And I know you like, um, kind of, the uh, the sort of, the various sort of nutritional drinks you've got to drink, I know you're a big fan of those.

Ricky: I love the protein shake 'cause it tastes like chocolate.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: D'ya know what? I've put on a couple of pounds since I've been doing this training.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: I think it is the extra meal and uhh -

Steve: So you're adding the protein but not working out enough -

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To, to take it off again.

Ricky: Yeah, but I th- I think I've umm, I have actually changed a bit, I've got a, a umm, inch on my chest but an inch off my waist, so even though I've put on weight, I, there must be a little bit of muscle happening.

Steve: Uh huh, uh huh.

Ricky: Somewhere...

Steve: So I, so just to, to recap there slightly: you, you're enjoying all the trappings of boxing -

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But not the boxing.

Ricky: Not the gettin' hit in the nose.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That's the one -

Steve: And you are aware that that's what will, that's what will be happening during the actual fight?

Ricky: No, because I've got a cunning plan.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: I'm gonna n...... duck and dive.

Steve: Just - yeah.

Ricky: Bob and weave - dance, -

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: I'm gonna dance.

Steve: Well I read in the paper yesterday - I don't know how much truth there is - that uh, Grant Bovey is recruited celebrity hypnotist Paul McKenna -

Ricky Coughs

Steve: To help him win.

Ricky: Yeah, could be true.

Steve: So I don't know if that's of any - because I know that you've got - haven't you got ehm- haven't you got, uh, Spit the Dog, -

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I have got Spit the-

Steve: a couple of ventriloquists and an impressionist on your side.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. I've got Pork Pie from "Desmond's" -

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Just getting me trained -

Steve: Yeah in your corner.

Ricky: Mentally. Yeah. Well, I don't know, it's all a bit of fun and -

Steve: What do you reckon Karl? Do you think he's uh, in with a chance?

Karl: W- well what's, what's McKenna gonna be doin'? Is like Grant Bovey gonna be turnin' into a chicken and... you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, he's gonna do an Elvis impression -

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And take off his pants.

Ricky: If I say the right words.

Steve: No, I think it's probably, he's probably just gonna have him focus and -

Ricky: Yeah, he's - he's - yeah he's - he does that - yeah I think there's lots of sports psychologists at the moment getting people - so I'm sure it's uhh, I'm sure it's valid - if it's true - I'm sure it's uh, fine.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: But, I've been, I've been, I've been getting tuned mentally learning how to hit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That was my method. Eating and hitting, I think is...

Steve: And do you workout to any music? I mean, do you put on the "Rocky" soundtrack? Because, I know you've got um -

Ricky: No. It's -

Steve: A special CD with all - music from all five films, haven't you?

Ricky: No, but don't - no, it's all, it's um, I think they have the radio on down there but you don't hear it. It's - all you hear is people shouting, saying things like, "That's not like a fighter!" and me going, "I'm not a fighter!"

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I'm a comedian!

Steve: And is it quite intimidating down there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean do they - I mean I'm sure they're nice people but is it like -

Ricky: It's - I mean I'm getting used to it now but it is, it is, it is a different world and I was quite scared and I, I didn't like -

Steve: When you say it's a different world, is it like, is it like they're gangsters? I mean, is it kind of -

Ricky: NO! No. No, no, no.

Steve: I don't mean - I just mean, has it got that feel, you know when you see it in films they walk into those places and, you know, they're kind of, they're hard nuts and there's that feel like -

Ricky: Well they're, I mean, well they're, they're all, you know, they're all ex-boxers and stuff so, yeah, but I mean, but no they're not - they're - no - that's , that's not what I mean, I -

Steve: I suppose it's like they're real men.

Ricky: Well yeah and um, they, they don't, they don't understand, really, that I'm - I don't like getting hit on the nose. And they say, "Well, no one gets hit on the nose" and it took me a long time to get over that - just, just taking a couple of punches.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I wanted to rule it out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, umm, but you know, it's OK now. And of course they're, I know they're moddy-coddling me - they're not - they're using about 25% power where -

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I'm still -

Steve: And you wear the head gear, do you?

Ricky: Oh yeah! Yeah, and the gum shield, yeah. I wanted to wear a crash helmet -

Steve: Right.

Ricky: But they said no - and carry a baseball bat - and they said that, that's technically illegal.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: But I'm looking forw- I'm a changed man, Karl. What have we got coming up?

Karl: Got a bit of a, uhh, Death In Vegas with vocals from Liam Gallagher.

Steve: Final question for you Rick: -

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Do you think you'll carry on boxing after this is finished?

Ricky: Competitively?

Steve: No, no, no, just the training and stuff and -

Ricky: Yeah, I'll do training.

Steve: Do you think so?

Ricky: Yeah, I love the, I love the training, I love learning the, the skills and that, and I do enjoy the training. I don't, I don't relish getting punched around and I'm not, I'm not worried about the fight at all, I'm really looking forward to the, the fight because um, Grant's a novice like me - it's just when you get in with an ex-pro who you know could destroy you any -

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So you're scared of him and you know, they never lose their rag and they're really cool and they're really nice and they'd never act - they'd never even hit me by mistake but even just tapping you - like that -

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: In the face - hurts.

Steve: It's just - I was walking down Finchley Road the other day and a couple of sixth-formers said, "Oy, yah lanky goggle-eyed freak" and I just wondered if maybe you could pop 'round and have a word with them?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I will, I will.

Steve: With some of your friends.

Ricky: Yeah... an enemy of yours is an enemy of mine.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Good.

Song: Death In Vegas feat. Liam Gallagher - Scorpio Rising

Karl's Removal Man

Ricky: Scorpio Rising, Death in Vegas on XFM 104.9. Steve...

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, Karl... Karl was a little bit more - less stressed now. The camera crew have gone, his dad's not listening... we think.

Steve: Ah, well yeah... who knows.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: But uh, you're chilled.

Karl: I'll tell you what though, me uhh, me mum's lovin' it -

Steve: Is she?

Karl: D'ya, d'ya know Rockbusters?

Steve: I love - do I know Rockbusters? I love Rockbusters. I think - I dream of it.

Karl: She was takin' part, I mean she doesn't know alot of the, the new bands and that, but she, uhh, she made some up for, uhh, some older bands and that.

Steve: Oh, she, she did some herself?

Karl: She made some herself, sent 'em in the post.

Steve: So are you gonna use them today?

Karl: Ehhm, she's not quite got the hang of it.

Steve: That's OK.

Ricky: Un- Unlike her genius son.

Steve: Have you got them now? Can we hear what they are?

Karl: Well, you keep talkin' a second then.

Steve: I'm quite excited, I mean if they're, if they're even approaching, say the genius of "Wet-Knee-Houston" -

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeh, yeah.

Steve: Uh, there was another one that was something to do with a trench, Karl, what was that? I can't think-

Ricky: Oh, that was Dandy Warhols, that was a good one.

Steve: Dandy Warhols, yeah.

Ricky: I think that was his, that was his finest moment, yeah.

Steve: Incidentally, I've had an email here from, uhh, someone called, "Sam", I don't know if that's a he or a she, but let's assume it's a she just for uhh, glam's sake. Uhm, she says she saw an old man eating a Twix last week, Karl, so that blows your theory out the window.

Karl: I'm not havin' it.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Ok.

Ricky Laughs Harder

Steve: So if you are a bloke, he's calling you a liar, so... maybe want a little rumble later -

Ricky: In fact, if you are a bloke, he's calling you a girl.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Karl: Right, here you are then. Uhhm, these are ones that me mam's made up. Uhmm...

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Right, just in case you're a new listener, I give some initials out and a cryptic clue and, and it makes up a band, dunnit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Or a solo artist.

Karl: Or a solo artist.

Ricky: Not so much "cryptic" as wh- what you're thinking. But go on.

Karl: Well, uhh, me mam sent this one, uhh: "This group would be good at doin' your hair."

Steve Laughs

Steve: "This group would be good at doing your hair".

Karl: T.P.

Ricky: Is there a group called, "The Hairdressers" from the sixties?

Steve: "This group would be good at doing your hair" -

Ricky and Steve: T.P.

Steve: T.P.... T.P. Is it The-Something?

Karl: The Platters

Steve: The Platters.

Ricky: Yeh, that's alright.

Karl: Yeah, so that's, that's alright -

Steve: Good.

Karl: Uhhh, let's have a look, uhh, "This group sound like dinosaurs"...

Steve: "... group sounds like dinosaurs".

Ricky: T-Rex.

Karl: T-Rex

Steve: It's... yeah... I see what you mean, they're not so much cryptic are they?

Karl: Uhh, "this group-"

Ricky: Oh leave her alone, they're good.

Karl: "This group likes bein', uhh, by the sand and the, and the sea."

Ricky Starts To Laugh

Steve: "This group likes to be by the sand and the sea".

Ricky: Are they the Beach Boys by any chance?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: "This band are called, 'The Beatles'" - Uhh, The Beatles?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: Hang on.

Karl: We just have, just have a, a couple more -

Ricky Attempts To Use Words And Laughs Harder

Steve: What else you got?

Karl: Uhmm...

Ricky: AHHH.

Karl: Ummm, it's funny 'cause, 'cause one of them that she's done I'm actually doin' today- I thought of in the week. So...

Steve: Right, is it the same clue?

Karl: Uhh, it was, yeah.

Steve: Wow, great minds think alike-

Karl: Here's, here's -

Steve: So this is obviously coincidence.

Karl: Here's the last one from her: "This guy sounds soup-perb".

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Steve: "This guy sounds 'soup-perb'".

Ricky: The Bachelors

Karl: Glen Campbell.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: They're not bad actually!

Ricky: That - yeah, I like that.

Steve: I think - I'll tell ya this: I think you should get on to one of the big game, uhh, organizations, Parker Brothers or whatever because this has gotta be - I mean this could sweep the nation at Christmas, don't you think? I mean, this is the perfect Christmas game.

Ricky Coughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I think this is what's gonna make or break the MTV thing-

Ricky Laughs

Karl: To be honest.

Steve: Some kind of TV version?

Karl: Yeh.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: I'm just thinkin' into ad breaks, you know, "comin' up next: is this band-"

Steve: Be careful though Karl because, you know, make sure you retain the rights because I can see this selling abroad -

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ... South America.

Ricky: And I can see someone coming along and taking the, sort of, like, the, the "Rockbusters" and changing one word and they can make like another game out of it and just usin' the same format.

Steve: What word would you -

Ricky: I don't know, I don't know.

Steve: Uhhhhh...

Ricky: I don't know, uhhhh, I can't think off the t- but they could change - so, so -

Steve: Sort of like...

Ricky: They could change the word "Rock" to something else and have it...

Steve: What could it be... brick? block?

Ricky: Yeah, and so you'd have to - you know what I mean?

Steve: Be "Blockbusters".

Ricky: So, you know, be careful.

Karl: "Blockbusters"...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "Blockbusters" will never work.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Look at his little face!

Karl: So, uhhh, so yeah, so we're doing that later. Got some good prizes.

Steve: Ok. We'll talk about the prizes afterwards.

Karl: Talk about that in a little bit. Ummm, Educating Ricky -

Ricky: Yeah, got that.

Karl: We've got the woman who's got a ghost in her house.

Steve: Yep. It's a shame she's not here live because I feel like I want to ask her a few questions, Rick. I don't know about you.

Ricky: Uhhh -

Karl: Don't worry, I've covered it all.

Steve Laughs

Steve: You've covered it all! Of course!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Yeah. Play a record.

Song: Jim O'Rourke - All Downhill From Here