07 December 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

They Won't Even Press Record

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Science of Silence" on XFM 104.9. I love that.

Steve: Yes. Concur.

Ricky: He's one of my favorite artists now, I just think... I- he's so- I don't know why he's not ballistic.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: He's got everything. He's got- one of our best rock stars.

Steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: (Laughing) Hello there!

Ricky: You're Steve Merchant.

Steve: I am indeed.

Ricky: Ehhh, Karl Pilkington, over there. (Loudly) Big day today!

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeh, for Karl. He hasn't been looking forward to it, he's been whingin' in the week. A couple of things: he thinks he's overworked, he thinks he- he thinks he's overworked here and he's stressed and he's got to do DIY. MTV are coming im- in, right to give him the chance of a- a lifetime to do a- just a little screen test and he's going, "Well, I'm not gonna look good, am I? They're not gonna-", I go, "Why?", he said, "Well, I've got a round head and I'll be wearin' headphones".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And uhh, he's- he's not made an effort, he thinks, "Ooh, I'll put 'em off" he said, "They won't even press 'Record'". He's got a spot on his head.

Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Ricky: I mean...You know wh- also--

Steve: Karl, you're not looking forward to it? You're not excited about it? It's a great oppurtunity.

Karl: Why's it a great oppurtunity?

Ricky: To get on MTV?!

Karl: No but--

Ricky: It's money for old rope.

Steve: Presenting.

Karl: No but look what's happened to people like, umm, Jeremy Speak or whatever his name is and all that.

Ricky: Jeremy Spake, yeah.

Karl: Yeah and ummm--

Ricky: Yeah. Slightly different. Slightly different.

Karl: Why is it?

Ricky: Well...

Karl: See?

Ricky: Y- you're- you're makin' it in the industry and you've got- you've got something to give, he- he happened to be around while they were filming an airport.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Yeah, well--

Ricky: Do you see the difference?

Karl: All right, the other one then, who's on a boat.

Pause

Ricky: Same thing--

Steve: She's doing very well!

Ricky: Although at least she had a skill. She had a skill, you know, she can sing. You know...

Karl: Well she- she's c- I d- I d- I think it can all go wrong... d'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well of course it can. So can sitting in your little room moanin' about nothing happening in the world. You know he- he wanted to stop "Educating Ricky" cuz nothing had happened. He said- he said, "Look what happened last week - I scoured the net...", he said, "all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar."

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: I'll tell you what: there aint much more going on this week.

Ricky: Well you're talkin' sh- listen, me and Steve... yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong and we've come up with two of the most incredible things.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: I told you about- they're amazing. So there are things out there or s- just- j- but go for truth- go for truth and science and discovery--

Karl: Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do, yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Fact is- is stranger than fiction. You don't have to resert- revert to, sort of like, God and ghosts.

Karl: I know, yeah. I know, yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Karl: But the funny thing is... do you know, like, the last couple of weeks I been sayin' there's not much going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I found out, when I was looking that there was a day in 1930... right, it was a Good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on...

Ricky Begins To Laugh

Karl: They had to put a music video on or something.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Quietly

Karl: On the telly. Because there was nothing going on.

Ricky: Play a record. We're gonna play some classic tracks today. This is d- "Debaser".

Song: Pixies - Debaser

A Good Way of Promoting This Show

Ricky: Pixies, "Debaser". I was looking forward to playing that, came in, said, "Karl, play that-", lookin-... he put it on... uhh... Lauren just called through and said we played that in the last half hour.

Steve: Mm. Embarrassing.

Ricky: Uh, yeah.

Steve: It's really embarrassing.

Ricky: So, what is the point of having a producer if he doesn't check things out. So, I mean, it's a good track, I mean, I'm sorry if you heard that twice in the last hour.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on, go on. You were going to say sommat?

Karl: So you expect me to listen to everything all the time? I've been running around- I get in early on a Saturday--

Ricky: Well you got in around the same time as me.

Karl: I g- I went out and bought you some biscuits, so you're happy...

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I put the coffee on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I sorted what prizes we're gonna give away, I've been running to the library getting you certain tracks--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I can't listen all the time. I'm doing me best!

Steve: Ahh, I'm just not sure it's good enough, Karl.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I mean, I'm worried when MTV come in, if they've heard this kind of shoddy production, they're gonna start to wonder why--

Ricky: Is it a--

Karl: Well they play the same songs every five minutes anyway.

Ricky: Yeah sorry you're so overworked because you were on Zoe Ball's show talking.

Steve: Oh hello! What's going on here?!

Ricky: Well I was--

Steve: He was excl- he was exclusively to be on our show--

Ricky: Well I was in the ca- I was in the car--

Steve: I seem to remember, Rick, he was- he was a nobody--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That got a chance to come on air and talk about things and now he's getting auditioned for MTV!

Ricky: And guess what he was- guess what he was talkin' about on Zoe's show.

Steve: Oh hello.

Ricky: All the jellyfish stuff and all that... kind of stuff...

Steve: I can't believe it! Recycling--

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Material that he did on this show!

Ricky: Yep.

Ricky: I phoned in- I phoned in, right, and I went, "Stop doing material on Zoe's B-", right. He just hung up on me.

Steve: That is j--

Karl: Well I had a job to do!

Steve: Who do you think you are?!

Karl: Look--

Steve: Your ego has just gone through the roof!

Karl: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

Steve: What?!

Karl: I had a job to do in the week, they asked me to drive the desk for Zoe, right.

Ricky: They didn't say talk!

Karl: Zoe... if she talks to ya, you can't just ignore her!

Steve: Yes you can!

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: No you can't.

Steve: Who is she?!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Ah, well...

Steve: Who does she think she is? You made a promise to us - a pact - that you are our, kind of...

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: Monkey.

Karl: Yeah, but what do I do? If someone takes time off, I've got to do it. It's me job.

Ricky: It's not your job.

Steve: Yeah but you don't have to talk. You don't have to use--

Ricky: You're the head of production. We've given you this special gig. This is like taking you out weekends...

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: And we- you know, if we find out you're gettin' too much excitement in the week, we'll have to just calm it down...

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Get another little--

Karl: Well that's it anyway, it was only last week.

Ricky Exhales

Steve: Do you know, I feel like, kind of sullied, I feel betrayed. It's like you were having an affair behind our backs--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And you rumbled it.

Ricky: He was doin' all the stuff, he was doin' all this- like, "Ooh, yeah, jellyfish and this and jelly fish that..."

Karl: Yeah because she was askin'! And I thought it was a good way of promotin' this show, actually.

Steve: Oooooh convenient!

Ricky: Did you mention this show?!

Karl: Yeah, I did at some point.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Did ya? What did you say?

Karl: I just said, uhh, "More about that on Saturday afternoons".

Ricky: So you talked twice - I only heard you talk once. So you're talkin' all the time, are you?

Karl: Well, about five times in the week.

Ricky Starts To Laugh

Karl: In the full week - five times.

Steve: Deary me.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And one- it was just stuff that--

Ricky: You could never be a monk, could ya? Chattin' away all the time.

Karl: Well..

Karl Sighs

Ricky: Right, what have you got?

Steve: I blame Ball as well, to be honest.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I feel Ball is slightly responsible for it.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, you know, gibbon to get on the show.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, kind of, you know, loser, then... don't start stealing ours.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: It's outrageous.

Karl: Well, comin' up, right--

Ricky: Yeah, maybe we'll get Fatboy Slim in.

Steve: Indeed!

Ricky: Next... Saturday. If you're listenin', umm, Slim--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Come in on the show.

Steve: What's his name? Ernie or something?

Ricky: (Laughing) What's his name?

Karl: Norman.

Steve: Norman.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: "Ernie"!

Steve: Yeah. I don't know.

Ricky: (Still Laughing) Ah that's great "Ernie Ball".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he--

Steve: He probably wouldn't change his name. Ernie Cook

Ricky: Ernie Cook, that's it yeah. (Laughing) That's great!

Karl: Anyway...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Coming up today, uhh, we have got "Educating Ricky"...

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Rrright. Is this the last one? You've promised it might be.

Karl: Uhhm, I believe there's a book out... that might help me with this feature--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: So we'll see how it goes, we might- I was thinkin' of new features in the week. I've got, uhh--

Ricky Coughs

Karl: What did I come up with? I wanted to do "Celebrity Fact Club".

Steve: (Laughing) "Celebrity Fact Club". All right.

Karl: I've just got to get some celebrities in first.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Before we can kick that off so maybe in the new year.

Ricky: Ball and Cook.

Steve: Maybe Zoe Ball, yeah.

Ricky: Ball and Cook. Start off.

Karl: Maybe. Right, and I've also got, uhh--

Ricky: "Cook and Ball Stories".

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's nice.

Karl: Good one.

Ricky: (Laughing) Cheers.

Karl: Uhhm...

Ricky: Thanks Karl!

Steve: Yeah. Maybe you could sell that to Zoe's show!

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky Pounds The Desk

Karl: And, umm, I'm also thinkin', "Through The RicKey Hole".

Steve: "Through The RicKey Hole", okay.

Ricky: Yeah. What's that?

Karl: That's uhh... I haven't quite--

Ricky: No, you've just got the title again, haven't ya?! Yeah. Okay, play a record.

Karl: So, uhh, "Rockbusters" coming up as well. All right?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Song: Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit

Win The Best of the Weather

Ricky: Wu-Tang Clan, "Gravel Pit" on XFM 104.9--

Steve: We're playing some great music today, Rick--

Ricky: Yeah but--

Steve: I wonder if we should maybe... uh, you know, it's getting towards Christmas--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Think about others. Should we dedicate this show to all the people in the world who maybe are less priviledged and less, uhh, fortunate than us.

Ricky: No.

Steve: No? Okay.

Ricky: Um, d- do the prizes for the, uhh--

Steve: Prizes? Okay. (Walking Away From Microphone) So screw those who are less fortunate is what TV's Ricky Gervais thinks.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Uhmm, Rick, I know you're a big fan, uhh, of the likes of Brian Adams, (Laughs) Robert Palmer, uh, Alien Ant Farm and, uh, obviously, ehmm, ZZ Top.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so you'll be enjoying "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World".

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Volume 2.

Ricky: Yeah, sure.

Steve: Fantastic.

Ricky: Volume 1 (Coughs) wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.

Steve: No. Okay--

Ricky Coughs

Steve: Again, we seem to be able to give one of these away every week. Are you just not sending these out? I mean, these are the same prizes we started this game with, I think, a couple of weeks back. Are you just not sending the prizes out?

Karl: Yeah, but I want to give, like, more people a chance cuz if- if one week they listen in and think, "God, I wouldn't mind winnin' that--"

Steve: Sure.

Karl: If you- if you've got more copies of it, they'll go, "Well, I'll listen next week."

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So again this is, uh, one of those, uhm, "The Best Songs You've Heard On An Advert Ever" albums.

Ricky: Mainly- mainly mobile phones?

Steve: Mainly mobile phone adverts, yeah. Although there is the, uh, Smashmouth one which is used in the Ford Fiesta TV advert.

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "Walking On The Sun" or something?

Steve: I forget what it is.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Uhm, the Smashing Pumpkins album that we've given away in the past again.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Obviously got a bulk order of those that can't shift them. Uhhmm, "Wild Weather", I don't know who's interested in this. This is, uh--

Ricky: Is that a double box set VHS of different weather?!

Steve: (Laughing) It appears to be, yeah.

Ricky: Ah, that's amazing!

Steve: There's two cassette tapes there, it's presented by Donal MacIntyre.

Ricky: THAT is amazing! How long is- that's a--

Steve: "It's a thrilling trip with the most exciting forces of our wild and turbulent world. Clouds, rainstorms--"

Ricky: So- so I'm right in saying it's- it's a double VHS video set of different weather?

Karl: There's stuff like tornadoes an' that!

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Yep, no, it's got- I mean it includes the fastest winds--

Ricky: Ohhh, you're joking!

Steve: The hottest desert, ehm and the biggest rain machine on the planet. That's on there, I think you have to--

Ricky: Ohhh, God. I- I wonder if they're- I hope they're bringing out another box set... "Soil"

Steve: Yeah, absolutely.

Ricky: Just go through different... "Mud".

Steve Laughs

Steve: And, uhh, and this maybe of interest - I read good reviews of the, uhh- the DVD of this - it's, uhh, a two-disc set: "The Wicker Man"--

Ricky: Oh, right, great film, yeah.

Steve: The classic seventies film. It's got a bunch of extras on there.

Ricky: That is actually quite a good film.

Steve: So, that- that's actually worth having. I'd probably throw the rest away or pawn that over on someone at Christmas.

Ricky: But "The Wicker Man" get that on DVD and it's, yeah, quite- it's very interesting.

Steve: Yeah. But, you'll enjoy that. So, uhh--

Ricky: So "Rockbusters" is it?

Karl: Yeah, all- all that's for "Rockbusters".

Ricky: Brilliant. Well, let's- let-l- I say get the ball rolling now.

Karl: What, of "Rockbusters"?

Ricky: Yeah get the ball rollin'.

Steve: I don't know, I mean, tease them, Rick, don't, you know- don't s- don't, sort of, spunk all the good stuff early on, I mean--

Ricky: Well...

Steve: That's dynamite.

Ricky: You- you can say, "Spunk". I can't.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Well- well we've got, ummm- actually it's quite good, movin' it about because we might have some new listeners here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I wouldn't of thought so.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Not after last week!

Karl: Ehhm, right, okay, so if you haven't heard it before I give you some initials- it work- you know it's like initials of an artist or a band--

Ricky: It's "Blockbusters"!

Karl: And- and a cryptic clue to who the band is. It's two easy ones, one difficult one.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Karl: First one is: uhmm, "That'll never get off the ground."

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: "That'll never get off the ground". The initials?

Karl: "That'll never get off the ground", is the clue. And--

Ricky: Not L.Z.

Karl: The initials are L.Z.

Ricky: You are joking.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Two easy ones!

Ricky: Right. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah? Right and then you've got, uhhm, "That woman's got her husband's gloves and a pair of her own".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: All right?

Steve: Say it again.

Karl: "That woman has got a pair of her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own". That's H.H. All right? That's a bit of a difficult one. And then the, uhh- the last one: "You'll get a lo", uhhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!" Right?

Steve: You'll get what?

Karl: "... a right load of bacon off them".

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: Ehmm, that's L.

Steve: L.

Ricky Snorts

Karl: So, uhh, once again--

Steve: "You'll get a right load of bacon off of them".

Karl: "You'll get- you'll get a right load of bacon off them".

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So, first one: "That'll never get off the ground" - L.Z., uhh, "That woman has got her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own", that's H.H.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And, uhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!", that's L. So...

Steve: And it's an email only competition.

Karl: Email only, uhh, [email protected] and we pick a winner before the end... So...

Steve: And you can win those great prizes--

Ricky: And you can win... "The Wicker Man"--

Steve: "The Weather"--

Ricky: "The Best of the Weather- Weather"--

Steve: (Laughing) "The Best of the Weather"!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Now that would be amazing.

Steve: "The Best of the Weather".

Ricky: As a compilation, Channel 4.

Steve: Yeah. Exactly. "Winds: Light to Variable".

Ricky: (Laughing) "I Love 1976 Weather".

Steve: Remember this one from August, 1979?

Ricky: Warm innit?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, this is warm, innit?!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, Karl!

Steve: "The Best of the Weather".

Ricky: I'll tell you what: you remember how we always play, like, great music usually?

Steve: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Ricky: I mean--

Steve: Ah, you're not- you're not gonna- have you--

Ricky: I'm gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is David Bowie - "Driving Saturday".

Steve: Awwww, he's done it again.

Ricky Giggles

Song: David Bowie - Driving Saturday

Do We Need These?

Steve: (Eating) Pwha- I'm in the- I'm having the same problem.

Ricky: I know. Been eating a biscuit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh, David Bowie, "Driving Saturday".

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: That's a great track isn't it?

Steve: Mmm!

Ricky: A crash course for the ravers, eh? That's what this show is, innit Karl? Crash course for the ravers. The tune in and they go, "That's- that's so cool. I wish I was like Karl Pilkington."

Pause

Karl: You reckon?

Ricky: Yeah. Definitely. You forgot to read your mum's clues out, didn't ya?

Karl: Yeah she's uhh--

Ricky: This is just for fun only. This is Karl's mum's. She, uhh, she listened one week and now she sends him a little example of what-- "Rockbusters" every week.

Karl: She's got, umm... what did she send? Umm--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "This group would go well with your Christmas dinner".

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Cranberries?

Karl: Yeh. Ehmm, "They make a few good cupboards".

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: "They make a few good cupboards"?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Ehh--

Steve: The Carpenters.

Ricky: The Carpenters. I was thinking of EMF.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uhh, what else?

Steve: I was thinking, "B&Q? The B&Qs?"

Karl: Uhh, "This group thinks of lots of things".

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: "This group thinks of lots of things".

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Uhh, go on.

Karl: Imagination.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Uhh...

Ricky and Steve Continue Laughing

Karl: I think they're the best ones.

Ricky: Yeah, no-n-n--

Steve: Well, if they're the best ones, let's hear the others.

Ricky: N-N-N- Karl, obviously we want the worst ones then!

Karl: Uhh, here's one more: uhh, "She'd really like Blackpool".

Steve: "She'd really like Blackpool"... "She'd really like Blackpool".

Karl: Fairground Attraction... Not bad.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Not bad.

Ricky: Right, so uhh, there's uh, a--

Steve: Does she write anything else in the letter? Or does she just send them on, like, a- scawled on the back of--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: You know, I don't know, a till receipt.

Karl: She did with the first one, now it's just- just the "Rockbusters". So...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: (Giggling) Really?

Steve: She doesn't bother asking how you are or...

Karl: And I speak to her in the week on the phone so...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: It doesn't- doesn't matter.

Steve: What kind of conversations would you have then with your mum? What kind of stuff--

Ricky: What do you say? Do you moan about how overworked you are and stuff to her?

Karl: Uh,,,,, I just- I mean, they're always surprised when I'm getting in late and that. It's like, you know, "What have you done today?", "Oh, I'm just getting home from work", and it's half past eight at night.

Ricky: A lot of people get home at half eight, Karl. Next.

Karl: It's, you know, uhh... just sayin', "How's the flat goin'?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Askin' me dad some DIY tips the other day.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: Uhhm, you know, usual sort of stuff--

Steve: Mm.

Karl: You talk about with your mum and dad, really.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhh, talkin' about the bisons with 'em.

Steve: With what?

Karl: I was wachin', uhh- did you watch "The Mammals" in the week?

Ricky: No, I'm a s--

Karl: David Attenborough.

Steve: No.

Karl: I was thinkin', actually, right, with all this MTV stuff--

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: If there's one reason why I'd like to do it--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is... I was watchin' Attenborough, the- the mammals program - I reckon I could do something like that.

Steve: Right.

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Steve: Right.

Karl: And just have- have, like, me and instead of Attenborough y-you know, a young, sort of, fresh person.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, watching, like uhhm, certain animals and saying, "Do we need these?"

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Steve: Right.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) OH God! What'd you call it, "Death on Earth"?

Karl: Well just--

Ricky: That- that's amazing! "Do we need these?"

Karl: No, no, cuz there's loads of stuff--

Steve: And the audience at home- vote- would there be some kind of telephone vote?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, like a vote-out system.

Ricky: (Calming Down) Awwww, that--

Karl: The thing is--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's like, Att- something interesting that Attenborough was saying the other night on uhh--

Ricky: (Starts Laughing Again) "Do we need these?"

Karl: On Jonathan Ross' show, on his telly show, right, was sayin', uhh, he said, "You could... take all the humans off the earth and it would carry on but take, like, some animals off it and mammals and that... you got problems on your hands".

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: I thought that's quite interestin'.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: So it's like, the question is, "Do we need these?...Is that part of the big thing". Like jellyfish--

Ricky: Yeh!

Karl: We've talked about jellyfish.

Ricky: Yeh!

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: So which mammals in particular were you watching evolve?

Ricky: You talked about it on Zoe Ball's show, didn't ya?

Karl: Eh?

Steve: Which mammals, uhh, were you thinking we don't need when you watched the show the other night?

Karl: Uhmm...

Steve: Any in particular that you thought, (Whispers) "We don't need them, they're not of interest."

Karl: Well I like- I like whales but I don't know what they do.

Ricky Chuckles Quietly

Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay.

Karl: And they're- they're taking up quite a lot of room.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But stuff like--

Ricky: (Laughing) "They're taking up quite a lot of room"!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But, like, uhhmm... jellyfish I looked into because...

Steve: Yeah, what are they- yeah.

Karl: You know, I was talkin' about 'em. And, uhh, they were sayin' they've got no eyes, no heart--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Uhh, they're something like 97% water.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Continues To Giggle

Karl: Ehhm, they're blind and they do about 33 miles a day.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So it's like, do we need them? Could we clear them out?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Still Giggling) What, a big net?

Karl: What- that- that would be the program: what- what- "Right, we'll get rid of them, uhh, next week we'll be looking at...", uhh--

Steve: Rhinos.

Ricky: (Laughing) I think it's genius. Honestly, I think it's genius. And like, goin' along, sort of like, pickin' up sea anemones and goin'- and just lobbin' 'em into the sea.

Karl: Well, what do you think about MTV doin' that and then I just, in between the bits--

Steve: Play music videos?

Karl: I play music--

Steve: That relates to--

Karl: That relates to fish. So I could play, like, Phish--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That rock guy or The Animals.

Steve: Rock- "Rock Lobster".

Karl: Yeah. Or, uhh, what else could I--

Steve: This could run and run.

Karl: What other songs have got animals in them?

Ricky: Well--

Karl: The Monkees. I could play The Monkees.

Ricky: Yeah, there's about a million so let's not start this.

Karl: No but, d'ya know what I mean? So--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So- but- so, "Do We Need This".

Steve: So MTV flies you around the world--

Ricky: And he--

Steve: To the most incredible exotic locations, you sort of climb up a tree or whatever next to - I don't know what lives up a tree - some kind of rare parrot--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Sloth... a sloth.

Steve: You look at that, you say, "Oh, it's colorful, it's interesting--"

Ricky: Oh, you like sloths though, don't ya?

Karl: No, they just live up trees but I'd say, "Do we need them?"

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Well, what do they do?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) What do you mean, "What do they do?". What do you want from an animal? Carpentry? What do you want?

Karl: Well, I don't- I don't like scorpions, right--

Ricky: Right.

Karl: But then, I found out they look after those, uhh, those monkey things.

Ricky: They're not monkeys, they're lizards!

Karl: Whatever. Well, all right, yeah, then lizards. They look after lizards.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) "They look after..."

Karl: So there's a reason.

Ricky: But- but, "Do you need the lizard?", would be your next question.

Karl: Yeah, because the local people made shoes out of 'em.

Ricky: But not when the scorpion protect them, they didn't.

Karl: All right, we don't need 'em then.

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So- and so ultimately you- would anyone decide, I mean, do the animals, kind of, get a chance to mount a case for their survival? I mean is there maybe someone that comes in that come into their corner and defends them?

Karl: Yeah- yeah- n- I'd have- I'd have like a David Attenborough-type character--

Steve: Right.

Karl: Who says, "Well it does this..." and I'll go, "Yeah, but do we need that doin'?"

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Okay so what- what does an animal need to do in order for you to feel that it sort of gets a chance of- of life. I mean, like a pet, like an animal like a dog, maybe or a cat, I mean they give a certain affection to its owner, is that a valid, uhh, reason to survive?

Pause

Steve: Not particularly for you?

Karl: Uhh, not really.

Steve: No. Okay.

Karl: I mean, sayin' that though, blind people use dogs, so they are useful.

Steve: So dogs are useful. St. Bernards, they can save people - don't they - in snowy weather.

Karl: Farmers use dogs. Yeah. Cats... I'd have to think about it.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Keep the mice down.

Karl: Yeah, but you got Rentokill.

Steve: Okay.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: What I'm saying is- what I'm saying is, something that will affect the world.

Ricky: Right, I think you'll find everything does. I think you'll find everything does.

Steve: Mmm, except Karl.

Ricky Laughs Loudly

Steve: I'm not sure what effect he's having on the world.

Karl: I'll tell you what, though Steve, right, did you watch "The Mammals"?

Steve: I didn't see "The Mammals".

Karl: They had, uhh- they had bison on it.

Steve: Right.

Karl: The weirdest looking things you've ever seen.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: They've really--

Ricky: Again, you're on dangerous ground, here, Karl.

Karl: No, no, no, no, they've really got a- it's like... decide what you want to look like.

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: It's just a mismatch of stuff. It's got a really big hairy head--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Ehm, --

Ricky: (Laughing) Unlike you!

Karl: Sort of, bald at the back--

Steve: Right.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Uhh, sort of--

Steve: It sounds like someone you went to school with.

Karl: All right.

Ricky Laughs Loudly

Ricky: Was there two of 'em?

Coldplay - In My Place Begins To Play

Ricky: (Laughing) AAAAH brilliant!

Ricky Continues Laughing

Song: Coldplay - In My Place

Annoyed That They're Not True

Song: The Streets - It's Too Late

Steve: From the album "Original Pirate Material", that's obviously The Streets and, uh, an album track from that, "It's Too Late". Fantastic isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I know everyone's raving about it being, you know, one of the albums of the year, but it is, I think.

Ricky: It's great. That's brilliant. I l- love- love the backing as well.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: It's just so good- the- the lyrics are- things he come- w- i- t- ah, they're my favorite band of the year. Uhm, next week then, we'll do all our favorite songs of the year, shall we?

Steve: Mm, no I think it's got to be two week's time, isn't it?

Ricky: Oh, two weeks is it?

Steve: Yeah two for Christmas--

Karl: Yeah, I'm away next week as well.

Ricky: What do you mean you're away next week? What are you doing, Zoe Ball's show?

Karl: I'm going- going up North again.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: So Claire's going to be here with you?

Ricky: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah, at least she--

Steve: What are you doing up North?

Ricky: She does her job.

Karl: Just, uhh, Suzanne's dad's birthday.

Steve: All right.

Karl: So...

Steve: I bet he's a party animal. I've heard they really kick off. Don't they? Is it, yeah?

Karl Mumbles

Steve: You gonna be ravin'?

Karl: Can't concentrate now.

Ricky: Ooh, he's all stressed cuz the lady from MTV's here. She's gonna film his little face.

Steve: So what--

Ricky: The thing- the things he said in the week, he was so worried. He was going- worried about the spot on his head- that won't come out- just so- she's got your best side.

Karl: Just so she stays on that side. That's all right.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. The camera's out. Look, he's getting nervous now. Okay Karl, ignore the camera, okay. Just ignore the camera, okay. Now, me and Steve have done our research for ya and we've got two amazing things to tell you. What should I tell him first: about the baby or the...crabs?

Steve: Well they're both equally fascinating, so you- you choose.

Ricky: Uhm, I'll tell you the crab thing first, right. Uhm, we- Steve actually saw this thing in The Guardian, in the week, uh, about a research thing and then we looked up- we looked into it on Friday and it is incredible. Right, listen to this. There's, uhh, a thing in umm- umm in a bay in, umm, uhh, New England, right, where it's like the biggest, um, uh- they make silcon chips and stuff for computers, right. And cuz of the data protection thing, after they've d- done them, because they have to destroy the plates, right, where the information's, sort of, put onto them. But they're still flakes of silcon, they sort of grind it down straight away and some of the flakes got into the bay, okay. But, some of the information's still on the- even the s- slight granules of silicon. Anyway, gets in the water and silicon is rather like, um, a carbon derivative. They reckon if there'd been other life on another planet that wasn't carbon-based, it'd be silcon-based. Cuz... simple sugars and protoz- it's just COH and that and it can work with silcon, right. Anyway, the crabs have been taking up- this gets underwater, and they- they looked out on the beach and, uhh, over the years the crabs had started, umm, sort of, putting themselves in formations like geometric forma- and they couldn't work it out why they were doing this. And uhh, when they put them in the experiment they, sort of, like, chopped 'em up and they found they'd taken on silcon... and it had, sort of, got into their brain and they were downloading information - they actually- they picked up little things because it's just chemical, umm, you know like, w- electrical impulses it'd... got information off the silcon chip and they were interfacin' it but - this is the amazing thing - one bloke, sort of, thought of this and he thought, "Well, if- if this is a simple computer, the brain, if it's just a simple, sort of, electrical ... thing, then maybe there's- there's...", you know, "we could get it down". So what- what they did is they made a thing called, "a bio-interface" and they- they put it into the crab's brain, just a really simple brain, into its medula oblongada, right. And it got impulses from it and they were getting... like computer readou- just flashes of like symbols and geometric things, right, on this screen to read the crab's brain and it was stuff like, you know, fragments of a, uhm--

Karl: Wha- what made them do this in the first place?

Ricky: Because they saw- they saw the crabs behaving differently. They were behaving differently to each other. They were just like- they- you know, intelligent and they were, sort of, solving problems and all this sort of stuff. Anyway, when they downloaded the- the thing, it was like a- there was, uhm, uhh, they found- s- they f- they found one of the secretaries' names... where it had been on the silcon chip where it was just, like, a flash of a computer screen. But the most amazing thing is - they downloaded a memory, right. It was like a- like a snapshot where it'd been burnt onto the retina of the crab - just a snapshot or sommat - and it was like a picture of the beach, like, a couple of years ago, right. And they also j- i- i- incredible it was like, just a digital black and white, sort of thing, so they could see what the crab had seen.

Pause

Steve: Amazing.

Karl: Geeez.

Steve: Amazing. Intelligent crab.

Karl: So, wha- what are they doing with them now, then?

Steve: Almost like "Super Crabs".

Ricky: Well they think- this is the- this is the upshot - they think they could use it as spy crabs cuz they could put these- get these crabs- al- also, the other thing is as generations went on, right- so they put a crab in the- the sea or something, right, uh, lots of crabs in and then as generations went on, a- a new born crab- they downloaded the memory and it had the memories of its great-great-great-great-great- all together. It had every memory that any crab that had been related to it beforehand. Because it passed it on- it just passed it on.

Karl: So not even ones that had been eating the silcon stuff.

Ricky: Yeah- no th- they--

Karl: These are just ones that have had kids.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And they've got--

Ricky: And they know every- so you'd know everything your great-gre- everything right the way back.

Pause

Karl: So would that work if- if we ate silcon?

Ricky: Well, I suppose so.

Steve: Possibly.

Karl: So, what are they gonna--

Steve: Well they can use them for all sorts of things though. I mean, that- that's what's incredible, I mean, I don't know- I don't know how you'd train it particularly, I'm not sure how you would train but I'm assuming that they can- if they can- if they can do it that way, then presumably they can--

Ricky: It'd be like a load--

Steve: Make certain silcon information--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Which they can then plant in it, if you like, within it- within its, sort of, food, as it were.

Ricky: Also if you get them onto enemy beaches--

Steve: And you can get it- yeah.

Ricky: You'd have like a thousand digital cameras, just--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, but they- they--

Steve: Just sneaking around. You know, if you can get, you know--

Karl: They don't--

Steve: Osama Bin Laden or someone just crawling around on the sand.

Karl: They don't- they don't understand the information they've got though.

Ricky: No, they don't know they're doing it.

Steve: They don't understand it.

Ricky: They just have downloaded memories.

Karl: So they're- they're--

Ricky: But the--

Steve: So they're not- it's not like- you could torture them and they wouldn't be able to give you the information because they wouldn't know what the information they had because they're just like a computer.

Ricky: But the crab- the cra- the crab- the first crab they downloaded, they just kept seeing the same picture of a big crab feedin' which they--

Steve: (Laughing) Really?!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow.

Steve: That's what? Like its mother crab or something?

Ricky: Yeah. It was memories of it as a child.

Steve: But they're not in color, presumably because they--

Ricky: No, they would have been black and white. It c- c- it's just a digital camera cuz it's just a- they don't see in black and white so it's just like a- it's just like a... I don't know, a I thi- I think it's burnt onto the retina or sommat and, um, the only one that they've kept were the ones they saw a lot of the time.

Steve: Wow.

Karl: I mean in a way, ehh, some of the "Educating Ricky" I've got for you today is- is on the similar lines.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Are- you've gotta be impressed by that. You've got to be impressed by that.

Karl: No-no, I mean, that's pretty good, I mean I- I'm interested to see, you know, what- what they do with it.

Steve: What they do- what they do with- what the crab developments are.

Karl: But, yeah, yeah, no that's- that's- that's pretty good.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But... I mean, amazing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Amazing... That is--

Steve: Well just digest that information because that- that's not even the most impressive one we found.

Ricky: I think it is.

Steve: I suppose it's pretty impressive but the next one's more- maybe more shocking.

Ricky: Okay, right. Let's--

Steve: Let's play a tune and then Ricky's got another extraordinary clip.

Karl: Awwww.

Song: The Cure - Lovesong