09 November 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 09 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Karl Gets Aggro From a Tramp

Ricky: Coldplay… “The Scientist”… you seen the video of that?

Steve: Great, it’s… just brilliant.

Ricky: I, I think I might’ve worked out what, what it, he’s, he’s walking backwards, it’s all filmed backwards but he’s singing forward. Now the only way I can work out they’ve done it, without CGI in it and cheating with the lips, is that… he had to…

Steve: Learn how to sing it backwards.

Ricky: …learn it backwards and did it sort of like bit by bit, did he do that?

Karl: He was on Zoe’s show, like, about a week ago…

Ricky: Oh! So…

Karl: …and he actually sang it backwards.

Ricky: …so he learned phrases and then he filmed that.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: He didn’t learn the whole song, did he, they must’ve, he couldn’t possibly have learnt the whole song, they must’ve, like, stopped it and…

Karl: Dunno.

Ricky: It’s a great video, though. They always do a good video.

Steve: No, it’s very good, very good indeed.

Ricky: So it was uh, yeah, “The Scientist” on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: I had a bit of good news this morning, Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Uhm, I was on the tube coming down, and I don’t ah… I don’t want sound arrogant, I don’t want to sound pushy, but uhm… I was at Green Park, and I’m fairly certain, Rick, it’s not a hundred percent corroborated, I’m fairly certain… that a woman pinched my arse. So what do you think of that? Yes.

Ricky: But the—there’s a lot of pock—uh, pickpockets around Green Park so be careful.

Steve: No no no no no, no no no no no, my wallet was still there.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: But even if it wasn’t, you know, that would’ve been money well spent but…

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: …but… but the… but the wallet was still there so how, what do you think of them apples? Eh?

Ricky: So what did you—did she just pinch your arse and then…

Steve: I don’t, I can’t confirm it at this stage, uh, exactly what happened but it certainly felt like a pinch. I looked round, there was…

Ricky: By a woman.

Steve: …there was a woman, behind me.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: She was fairly old, she was, I th—she was probably in her mid-30s…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …uhm, kind of reddish hair…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …uh, I don’t know if she’s listening…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: …but, uh, she knows where I am. And, uhm… so I don’t know how to proceed, really, Rick, I don’t know if it’s worth putting up some posters…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: …around the Green Park area.

Ricky: Well…

Steve: Just to corroborate it. If you saw a woman pinch a lanky guy’s arse…

Ricky: No, you could, you could probably get in, uh, contact with British Rail and loo—go back over their CCTV thing…

Steve: Exactly, their CCTV cameras, yeah.

Ricky: …and then, they could probably zoom in and, you know, sort of identifying sort of birthmarks or she might’ve been holding summat.

Steve: And I could hire a private eye.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Again, money well spent.

Ricky: Well, so, uh, there you go.

Steve: So, you know, I’m just saying that, I’m just saying maybe that, maybe things are looking up.

Ricky: Things are…

Steve: It’s getting towards Christmas…

Ricky: The worm has turned.

Steve: Eh? I don’t—I, you know, that’s a little sexy story to get the show going.

Ricky: It’s rea—it is pretty sexy.

Steve: So what do you make of that, then, Karl?

Ricky: What do you think of that, Karl?

Steve: …quite damning.

Karl: Ahm…

Steve: What’s your answer?

Karl: Well… I mean… you’re quite, quite a tall fella.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So… she must’ve really wanted to sort of… reach up and… and have a pinch.

Steve: Mm. What, you think she…

Ricky: She wasn’t a dwarf.

Steve: …she did it with her teeth? What are you saying?

Ricky: You’re not thinking she was a dwarf.

Karl: No, no, but Steve’s taller than, you know, his arse…

Ricky: Yeah, but his arse isn’t 6 foot 9, is it? His arse is about 3 foot off the floor.

Karl: Four foot?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Four foot off… off the floor?

Ricky: Uh, no, I don’t think so, about three—she’d have to be a midget to have to reach up to pinch Steve’s arse, he is very tall. But…

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I don’t know what your point is there, Karl, you’re just see—you’re just trying to, you know, you’re just…

Karl: No, I, I…

Steve: …maybe you’re just a little bit jealous! Just a little bit of jealousy.

Karl: Well, do you know what happened to me on the way in?

Ricky and Steve: Go on.

Karl: Homeless person called me a dickhead.

Steve laughs

Ricky: How did he know?

Steve titters

Ricky: Do you know him? Is that why?

Karl: He’s a local, he’s like the local…

Steve: Ne’er-do-well.

Karl: …Big Issue fella.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: And he know, he knows me, he sees me walking up and down the street.

Ricky: Oh, that’s how he knew you.

Karl: Right? So uhm… so normally I’d have a, I’d have a bit of a chat with him an’ that, and I walked past him. And uhm, wi—wi—you know, I can, I can be a little bit cheeky with him ‘cause I’ve been cheeky with him in the past, with stuff. Uhm…

Steve: You pinched his arse.

Ricky snickers

Karl: No, no, just saying stuff like, “God, you’re always here, haven’t you got a home to go to,” and…

Ricky: Oh—!

Steve laughs

Karl: …stuff like that.

Ricky: Just breaking the ice, just breaking the ice, go on.

Karl: No, he knows, and he’d laughed at that, right, last time…

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: …so I thought I can be a bit cheeky, right? So he goes, uh, he goes, “Do you want a… do you want a Big Issue?” I said, “Nah.” He said, “Come on, I’ve got loads of ‘em,” right? So I, I sort of said, “Oh, when I was a kid, and I used to do a free paper round of free papers, well, I just put them in a bin and go home.”

Steve laughs

Karl: Right? And he went, “But how am I gonna get any money doing that, you dickhead?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: You see… I can see his point.

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: He is homeless, and having to sell… newspapers, to get 50p or a quid or whatever.

Karl: Yeah. And sometimes I treat him, right, and… today I didn’t have any money, I had a takeaway last night and I normally give them a quid. And I felt bad not being able to do that, ‘cause I didn’t have any money on me…

Ricky: Right, right.

Karl: …last night. I couldn’t look him in the eye…

Ricky: Did you explain this to the homeless person, the traumas of the takeaway without the tip?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Did you explain that, you know, you’ve had it hard as well. I’d go, “Look, you don’t know—”

Steve: “I had food delivered to my warm flat…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “…it was a nightmare.”

Ricky: “You don’t know what that’s like, you don’t know what the trauma is ‘cause you can’t have food delivered to your flat ‘cause you haven’t got one. So please don’t look at me like that.” You should’ve said.

Karl: But most people ignore him. At least I gave him a bit of acknowledgment and sort of…

Steve: Yeah, took the, took the mick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I didn’t think I was, I just was being friendly.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: You’ve got to be careful with the homeless ‘cause I, this is true, I, this is true and this is, I, you know when the clocks went, was it the clocks went back recently…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …so you got an extra hour in bed?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uhm, I was at a cashpoint with a friend of mine, and there was a homeless person sat by the cashpoint, and ahm… we were getting some money out, she said, “Spare some change.” And my friend went, “Hhrr,” he was a bit awkward, he was just trying to make conversation with her and he went, “Ohh… clocks go back… extra hour in bed…”

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I gave her two quid, I felt so bad.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: He didn’t do it intentionally, he didn’t realize what he’d said.

Ricky: No, I know.

Steve: Just making conversation.

Ricky: I know, just fumbling.

Steve: It’s tricky making conversation with the homeless. ‘Cause there’s so many areas you can’t, you’ve got to avoid…

Ricky: I know.

Steve: …you know, what was on the telly…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know?

Ricky: Although I get recognized by homeless people and… are they, I don’t know where they…

Steve: But you’ve got to remember that’s very much your demographic, Rick…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: …you know, people…

Ricky: I’m very big in…

Steve: …people who watch TV through the window at Dixons.

Ricky: …yeah, in Dixons, yeah, they go, “Ricky Gervais is on…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…pop the telly on.”

Steve: Well, they, they can smell the alcohol on you, they think you’re one of them.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, I’ve had to cut down on that. Oh, I’ve been really good for this training thing.

Steve: The boxing.

Ricky: I… oh. Oh. Play a record and I’ll tell you about that, I had my first week of training, I am, I’m in… trouble, I’m struggling.

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: Oh, what have we got, have we got a bit of uh… have we? Stone Roses, classic.

Song: Stone Roses – I Wanna Be Adored

Ricky 'Gyppo' Gervais

Ricky: Feeder, “Come Back Around,” Xfm 104.9… Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. All right?

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: Yeah, so I st—I had my first week of training for this, uhm, charity boxing. Uhm, for those people who don’t know, I’m, I’m fighting Grant Bovey… ah, Anthea Turner’s husband. Ahm… it’s a, it sounds arbitrary but it’s actually because he’s, uh, 41 and about my weight, bit taller, I think, but ah… and we’ve never done it before, but uhm… no, but it’ll be fun.

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: Battling someone for charity.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Uhm… no, but uhm, it, it, it’s, and I can’t believe my luck, because I, you know, I’ve been a fight fan for, like, 30 years and, uhm… and they took me shopping, they bought me all the gear. The training’s great, it’s really hard, I mean, it’s… uh, I imagined it’d be really hard and it’s probably slighter harder than I imagined. And the only bit I like s—the, the, I, I… I don’t like all the exercise and all the stuff you’ve gotta do, I like the bits that look a bit like summat I’ve seen in a “Rocky” film.

Steve: Right. Sure, sure.

Ricky: You know, we do that thing where the uh… the string along the ring and I have to pop up and punch and that…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: …that was great.

Steve: Right, nice.

Ricky: Skipping’s not bad, I’m trying to get good at that. I like that ball that you…

Ricky imitates sound of punching speed bags

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Are you any good at that, is that…?

Ricky: Ah, I’m getting… getting good at it.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky mumbles

Steve: And what’s that teaching you, that particular thing, it’s just the rhythm, is it?

Ricky: Ah, it’s, it’s rhythm and, of course, your arms are up for that long so it… it, you’ve got to keep your guard up all the time.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So that teaches you to keep your arms up.

Steve: And you were… ah, up at six this morning, you broke some raw eggs into a cup and then you ran up the steps of the town hall, didn’t you…

Ricky: With l—with loads of people following me, and I shouted, “Bovey!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …at the top. No, I’m not going mad, I’m not going mad.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Just, just, just, you know, once every, you know, every other day.

Steve: Mm hm.

Ricky: But I’m struggling now, I f—,I f—,I f—… I woke up today and it was like I’d been… hit by a car.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just everything aches, all the muscles you haven’t used. But uhm… uh anyway, I had a meeting, uh, first time with the, with the people, the programme makers, ‘cause they’re following me for a month and everything, and Grant as well. Uhm… and they said, “Oh, uhm, uh… you’ll need a sort of nickname, just for a laugh.” And I went uh, “Oh, what’s Grant using?” and he said, “Oh, I think he’s gonna use Gorgeous Grant Bovey or… Gra—” “Oh, I don’t know, uhm…” I’ll go, so I be—I’d better go against that, uhm… “What about, uhm, Ricky Gyppo Gervais?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, and I, right, laughed, “It’s all right.” Anyway, I had a freeting with Frank Moloney, meeting the next day, and uh… you know, you got to… do this nickname, and the bloke said, “Oh, I checked out that name, you can’t call yourself Gyppo,” I went… “Well, of course, I can’t, I was joking!”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: He went, “What?” I said, “Well, it’s racist! I was… joking, I was making a joke about me being…” And he went, “Oh.” And then, uh, I went down to get the, uhm, buy all the gear from this shop…

Steve: They’d had a dressing gown made?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. And I was picking all the stuff, I was, like, “Look, that’s like Nas wore. Oh, look, that’s like Ali wore in uh…” And I’m going, “I’ll have that, I’ll have that,” picking all the gear and everything. And, uhm… there was a couple of boxers down there, sort of, like, looking at me, thinking, “Who’s that fat bloke…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…taking up boxing at 40?” And uh… I s—said who I was and… uh, bloke went, “Oh, yeah, how are you doing?” and I went, “Oh, yeah, how long have you been in the game?” and he said, “I’ve been boxing 20 years,” I said, “How many fights have you had?” and he said, “About 40.” I said, “Oh, yeah, help me, I’ve got to uh… think of a nickname. And I thought,” I said, uh, “I thought, uh, Ricky Balboa Gervais.” He went, “Right,” I went, “Or Ricky Marciano Gervais.” He looked at me and went, “What about Ricky Martin?”

Steve laughs

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Absolutely justified!

Ricky: Yeah, I, I’m not respected yet in the boxing world…

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: …but, I mean…

Steve: It’s only a matter of time, once they see you fight.

Ricky: Well, I think they’ll…

Steve: Once they see you fight, Rick…

Ricky laughs

Steve: … everything’s gonna change!

Ricky: So, uh, that’ll be…

Steve: Have you actually, have you actually punched anyone yet, have you actually…?

Ricky: Not any—no, I haven’t punched a person…

Steve: You’ve punched…

Ricky: …I’ve punched pads and I’ve punched a, the bag and I’ve sort of sparred and that. I…

Steve: And are you gonna get a chance to punch someone?

Ricky: Well, well, as I suspected, uhm, my, my punching power’s all right but my fitness is… I mean, I felt like I was smoking.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, but… you know, there’s bits of lung that haven’t been, haven’t had oxygen in them for 20 years.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And it’s ridiculous. And also because… it’s not only that it’s being filmed, there’s other fighters there that are ridiculous, they’re like machines, right?

Steve: Mm, mm.

Ricky: And it’s that thing, I’d go, I could go, “Right, I can, I can come out on top but die now of a heart attack, but never give up…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: …or I can sit down and go, “I’m sorry, I’m…”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “…I feel ill.” And I chose that one and, of course, they took the mick.

Steve: Well, of course, you know, absolutely.

Ricky: But I, you know, soon, I, as I said, I haven’t got the respect yet of the boxing fraternity…

Steve chuckles

Ricky: …but, uh, it’s, uh…

Steve: And how long have you got then before…?

Ricky: Four weeks!

Steve: Okay, so, and, and do they think they, they can turn you around health-wise in that time?

Ricky: Uh… no, they’re being realistic…

Steve: Or will you be coming out in… for the fight?

Ricky: No, they, they’re gonna teach me the ba—basics and see how it goes, you know.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: But, I mean…

Steve: And each round is… four seconds, is that right?

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah, two four-second rounds.

Steve: With a, with a two-hour break in between each one.

Ricky laughs

Steve: A sit-down meal.

Ricky: So uh, give the number out, I want, I want serious suggestions of my fighting name. Nothing insulting, summat we can actually use…

Steve: Well, let’s give out the email address…

Ricky: …on the BBC.

Steve: …that’s always the easiest…

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: …ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk, what’s the number, Karl?

Karl: Ahm, 08700-800-1234.

Ricky: And it doesn’t have to be in the middle, it could be at the beginning, like…

Ricky sighs

Ricky: …“The Rage”…

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Ricky “The Rage” Gervais.

Steve: Ricky “The Tits.”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Ricky “The Man Breast”—play a record.

Steve chuckles