21 December 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 21 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Karl's in a Bad Mood Already

Song: Eminem - Lose Yourself

Ricky: (Audio Starts Mid-Sentence)... dissin' all his- mum and everyone.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah--

Ricky: At Christmas.

Steve: A little cussing in there which they've bleeped out, thankfully.

Ricky: Yeah. Karl's in a bad mood already. He's been in about 3 minutes and he's in a bad mood, gettin' stressed. If you can't hack it, leave! What's the matter with ya?

Karl: No. I'm just sayin' - it's been.... I was meant to enjoy last Saturday off and I didn't.

Ricky: Why not?! Why's that our fault cuz you weren't here?

Pause

Karl: Just cuz... I don't know but--

Steve Laughs

Steve: Are you not in the Christmas Spirit?

Ricky: Why didn't you enjoy last Saturday?

Steve: What- what did you do? Did y--

Karl: I went- right, I went all the way back- up north again, right, because, uhh, it was Suzanne's dad's birthday, right? I was busy last week, didn't have time to get him a present or anything.

Steve: (Scoffing Tone) Didn't have time to get him a present.

Karl: So I got to Heuston Station... bought a card for him, which was a Christmas card so he wasn't happy because he was saying, "It's me birthday", and I said, "Well, I won't be seeing you again so... I've got a joint card". And then we went out--

Ricky: Didn't you get him a present?

Karl: Well, no, because we went out on Saturday night for something to eat at this pub that he likes cuz it has nice steak and onion rings, right--

Ricky: Oooh lovely. Classey.

Karl: So, he should be happy anyway.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But--

Steve: What, you paid for it?

Karl: No, no.

Steve: But he should've been happy anyway.

Karl: Suzanne paid for that because it is her dad.

Steve: Huh huh.

Karl: Right, not mine. So, I said, "What- what- what can I do?", I said to her. So, she said, "Just buy a few drinks or something". Anyway, I didn't get around to gettin' drinks because I didn't s--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Can't believe it. Can't believe it.

Steve: "Didn't get a-"?! How can you not get around to gettin' the drinks?!

Ricky: Right.

Karl: No. Right, so I said, "Right, I'll pay for the cab"! Right.

Ricky: Ooh, what a lovely Christmas gift that is!

Steve: Yeah two pound-fifty.

Karl: So I paid- no--

Ricky: In Manchester it is.

Karl: It was like three quid there and three quid back.

Ricky: Oooh.

Steve: So six quid you spent on him.

Karl: Well, no, I spent more- see that's what he said, he said, "All--

Ricky: You can get to Bolton and back on that.

Karl: He said- he said, "All you've spent on me is six quid for my birthday", I said, "No I haven't cuz I gave the taxi driver a tip--

Ricky: I'm a little bit worried about his attitude as well! Cuz he--

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: I mean, that is a stingy present but you don't go- you don't say--

Steve: I mean, that's- I mean, let's be honest, that's the worst Christmas gift ever because, I mean, you're pretty bad like we've discussed in the past but at least you spent a bit of money.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: It's just thoughtless.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: This is nothing!

Ricky: I know.

Steve: You haven't given him any time, I mean I would--

Ricky: And- and I kne- and I knew my- my demographic. They loved it, my family.

Steve: Oh, yeah you- those scratch cards.

Ricky: They couldn't believe their luck, you know.

Karl: Well... a tenner.

Steve: You spent a tenner on him?

Karl: Well, the cab fare was six quid--

Ricky: But- but the thing is he doesn't- it's not- I don't think he's saying that. I think it's the fact that this is, like, you know, fritterin' away on their life--

Steve: Well it's kind of thoughtless isn't it?

Ricky: I'm sure he would have been appreciative of a lovely ten pound gift that you cared about and bought- a book- he probably likes "Fly Fishing" - doesn't he - by J.R. Hartley.

Karl: Ah, yeah...

Ricky: If you'd of bought that, he'd probably of gone, "That's what I was looking for."

Karl: Well...

Ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "Aw ayy, what I w' looking for, Karl. AYYY, bloody hell Karl, you little bald twat, that's just what I wanted".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Sooo... All right? So just calm down.

Steve: I just think- so what have you got planned for, eh- for Christmas? Is this what- I mean have you- have you speant- are you- are you doing the same price range--

Ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "OOOh, Karl, you've paid me milk bill for this week!"

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Well...That's it.

Ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "That will reap nice!"

Karl: I'm spent this year. That's it.

Steve: So, have you planned anything for Suzanne or are you just gonna--

Karl: Yeah, I'm taking her out Christmas Day for something to eat.

Steve: All right.

Ricky: Well don't... does she know that? Is that--

Karl: She's working today so she d- she, you know...

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: So what Christmas gift have you got her?

Karl: That's it - I'm taking her out.

Steve: What, you haven't got- you haven't got a present?

Karl: No, because we speant a lot this year--

Ricky: Don't forget that's half yours, though. You're gonna be eating- you're not going to be- you're not just going to be sittin' there watching her eat going, "Oh, I'm hungry but I speant all-", you're gonna be eatin' as well. That's half yours.

Steve: So you've got- she's got nothing to unwrap?!

Ricky: Look at his face! He's looking at me like a cat who's been hit.

Steve: But wait a minute. She's got nothing to unwrap?! There's nothing- she's gonna hand something over to you- cuz I've met the woman, she will- she'll hand something over, you'll open it, you'll love it.

Karl: All right, I might get something today!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Well it shouldn't take me to begrudgingly persuade you to do it.

Ricky: Ohhh God.

Karl: Yeh.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Right...

Karl: Right, so--

Steve: (Lampooning Karl's Response) AAH.

Ricky: YEAH, yeah, yeah, well we're gonna- I'm gonna try and stick in some, uh, Christmas songs. We're not playing all Christmas songs but I brought in a couple - "So This Is Christmas", John Lennon, uhh--

Steve: Yeah, one or two of the hits, yeah.

Ricky: "The River", Joni Mitchell, "Fairytale of New York" - one of the best Christmas songs ever. Ah, well, what about a bit of Pretenders, that's a good one, "2000 Miles".

Steve: Let's hear it.

Song: Pretenders - 2000 Miles

Christmas at Auntie Marian's

Ricky: Pretenders - "2000 Miles" on XFM 104.9, this sort of Christmas edition. We're not here next week, are we?

Steve: No.

Ricky: Karl is, aren't ya?

Karl: Well, you are, in a way.

Ricky: Ah, we're doing a "Best Of", innit?

Steve: Is it a "Best Of"?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant. Have you been putting it together?

Karl: Not yet.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: I'll do it- I'll do it today. Tell me what bits you want in it and I'll sort it out.

Ricky: It's not for me to say, is it?

Steve: All the best stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, do the best stuff.

Steve: Well, maybe people can email in with their, uhh- their highlights of the year for them. I'm trying to think what they were, I mean, mostly Karl--

Ricky: It'll be mostly Karl won't it?

Steve: Mostly Karl. Gibberish from Karl.

Ricky: It'll be- I think it'll be an awful lot of "Educating Ricky" from Karl.

Steve: Mm. Mm. Well, [email protected] if you've got any thoughts on, uhh, stuff you'd like to hear again. I--

Ricky: It's only, eh- eh- anything you'd like to hear of Karl saying something stupid and me and Steve laughing or slappin' him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's basically the competition, isn't it and--

Steve: Yeah. Or there's a couple of instances where I tried to kiss him, I think, and you encouraged me.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Those are, uhh, some highlights for me.

Karl: I just, uhh--

Ricky: I wish I had a video of that.

Steve: Yeah, so do I.

Karl: You mentioned "Educating Ricky". Ehh, we've only got- do you know how we normally have, like, three installments?

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We've only got two today.

Steve: Why? What happened?

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Just, uhhm...

Steve: Well, you clearly weren't busy Christmas shopping, so what were you- what's the--

Ricky: (Laughs Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: (Exhales) Well, we- like I say, every week it's a bit of a struggle finding stuff that I can teach ya. But- but at the same time, what we have got - we started the feature, I teased MTV with it, right? So I thought I best start doing it before they get someone like Zane Lowe presenting it, or something.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, "Do We Need 'Em?"

Steve: "Do We Need 'Em?"

Karl: Yep.

Steve: You should explain "Do We Need 'Em?" for those that- that don't like the show.

Karl: Well, it's, uhhhh- it's sort of education--

Steve: Right.

Karl: About animals and stuff and if we need 'em. So, like, David Attenborough once said, uhh, "You can get rid of people off the earth and it world would carry on, there's no problems. But" - you know - "get rid of a monkey and..."

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: "You could have problems on your hands". So--

Steve: (Laughing) Is that a direct quote from Attenborough's current autobiography?

Karl: It was something like that.

Ricky: I think so, yeah.

Karl: So, what I've done today--

Ricky: Yeah. He always starts off- he goes- with "Uhh, right, so then...".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And he always ends things, "...you've got yourself all k- all sorts of problems".

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. (Manchester Accent) So that's that. That's done. That's- that's comin' up. Enjoy that. Enjoy that.

Karl: So, I've spoke to a woman about, uhhm, jellyfish.

Steve: Oh yeah. Cuz I know you're not a fan.

Karl: Not a fan of them. So, we'll be speaking to her--

Ricky: Women or jellyfish?

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: It- this is a woman... talkin' about jellyfish.

Steve: Either.

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: So we'll be sortin' that out before three o'clock, we'll be finding out if we need 'em.

Ricky Laughs Loudly

Steve: Rick... (Laughing) Putting that one to bed.

Ricky: (Laughing) He's great isn't he? He's great.

Karl: And then we've got, uhh, Christmas edition of "Rockbusters" which--

Ricky: Oooh!

Karl: I found out yesterday--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Channel 4 have ripped it off.

Steve: Go on!

Karl: It's on their, uhh, "Teletext" thing.

Steve: That's outrageous!

Karl: Yeah, on their "Teletext" page, someone said.

Ricky Coughs

Ricky: What are they doing, then?

Karl: Like, "Rockbusters". They're copying the format.

Ricky: You're sure they're not copying "Blockbusters"?

Karl: No. No. It's- it's, uhh, someone said it's a cryptic clue of a band and that and initials and you work it out.

Steve: That is despicable, I mean we should investigate this.

Ricky: Right. So they've- they've fundamentally ripped off the idea of being allowed- allowed to do a cryptic clue to guess a band.

Karl: Yeah, but they- they're, sort of, clever cryptic clues.

Steve Laughs

Steve: They didn't steal--

Ricky: Oh sorry. They- they certainly haven't ripped you off then, have they?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Well... I'm just saying.

Steve: Hey, I should just point out, cuz it's Christmastime, we've had an email from Dicky Anderson! Rrray!

Ricky: Awww, Dickers!

Steve: Uhh, yeah, R.A. is, uhh- well he's- he's- he's- I suppose he's a longtime listener...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ummm, and he emails us most, uh- most weeks. Ehh, (Reading) "Ricky, if, as I suspect, I'm your only listener, I wouldn't bother with your show today as I've got to attend some family Christmas nonsense at Auntie Marian's house."

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's from Dicky Anderson and, uhh, he's- he's good because considering he hates the show and, uhh, everything we stand for, he does- he does take the time to email every week.

Ricky: That counts. That counts to advertisers.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: I think we got a lot like him.

Steve: Mm! Mm.

Ricky: We've also a lovely Christmas card here, from Alexandra, right, who's, uhh, wish us a l- she loves the show, she loves you, Karl, and she's enclosed some biscicks- biscuits for ya to save you a bit of money cuz she knows you go out and get your- your own biscuits so she's bought some- a packet of Fox's Creations.

Steve: Well why don't you wrap them up and you can give them to your girlfriend.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Donna and Blitzen

When I Was About Seven I Enjoyed It

Steve: "Donna and Blitzen" from the "About a Boy" soundtrack by Badly Drawn Boy--

Ricky: Christmas theme there. Christmas theme there.

Steve: You spotted the Christmas theme.

Ricky: Yeah. Karl's not really in a festive mood but, uhh--

Steve: I can't imagine Christmas is your time of year, is it Karl? Well, I'm not sure any time is, really.

Karl: I liked it when I was about.... I think when I was about seven, I enjoyed it.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Was that the one? Was that the year- the big year for you?

Karl: You- you get loads of stuff, you don't have to worry about anyone else. But once you've, like, got a job--

Ricky: What'd you get when you were- when- when were you doing your paper round? How old were you then?

Karl: I was about, uhh, thirteen, fourteen.

Ricky: Well, that was when you were a man, weren't you?

Karl: I had to- yeah, I had to buy stuff.

Ricky: Oooh.

Karl: But you're still not havein' a good time.

Steve: You're quite a selfish man, aren't you? I didn't realize this.

Karl: No, no, it's just that Christmas--

Ricky: And that's coming from him, Karl.

Karl: Me dad always said Christmas--

Ricky: All right, steady on.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Me dad said Christmas morning was for, like, you know- for me. So he used to stay in bed.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So he- he never--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) That's brilliant. That's a great thing to say, innit? Yeah, yeah, "Christmas morning's for you."

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "Run wild! Do what you want, just don't bother me!"

Steve: Yeah, "So I'm going to Honolulu for two weeks."

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) That's great! "Dad it's Christmas", "Do I have to do anything?", "No."

Karl: So my mam used to get up cuz she used to like to see me face light up, you know, when I o- when I opened my presents. And then, uhh--

Ricky: (Laughing) They used to give him fireworks.

Karl: And then, uhh--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Then I'd have to go to me bedroom from about six o'clock onwards, cuz, like, me mam and dad were into having big Christmas parties and I wasn't, like, old enough to go.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So they'd say, "Right,"- you know - " you've had your fun now you go up to your bedroom. Stay in there."

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Really?!

Karl: Yeah, I remember one year, right, I got- got a train set, that's what I wanted--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Brilliant. Uhh--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Playing with it all day and I thought, "I don't mind about the party, I'm happy staying up here, playing with this"... Brother comes in, he's had a few, right, he's goin', "Yeah, give us a go on your train--"

Ricky: How old is he?

Karl: He- he's a bit older than me so he- he might of been, like.... uhh, let's see....

Ricky: Well let- let him be eighteen.

Karl: Yeah, probably about eighteen, nineteen, something like that.

Ricky: And how old were you?

Karl: I was- well, I had a train set so- I don't know about--

Steve: Fourteen.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Something like that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right. So, uhh- so I'm playing on that, lovin' it and stuff and then he comes in and goes, "Aw, give us a go". He turns the transformer up to, like, fourteen. He went really fast for about five seconds.... Broke it. And then he went back downstairs.

Steve: Wow.

Karl: So Christmas- I haven't even gotten to Christmas Day--

Steve: Sounds like the, uh, Conservative government with, uh, British Rail.

Ricky: Satire, that is.

Steve: That's satire. Rick, I just saw that- said- satire. If there's any satirical shows listening or--

Ricky: It doesn't work in any way because there's- there's- the analogy falls down--

Steve: No--

Ricky: Apart from there being a train.

Steve: Think it through though: British Rail was trains--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the goverment broke the trains in many- well they didn't break them- like not officially breaking them but they kind of--

Ricky: No, it does work, it's perfect.

Steve: (Laughs) I'm pretty pleased with that!

Ricky: And I can't- and- no one's asked him to be on "Have I Got News For You".

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's weird, isn't it?

Ricky: Is it--

Steve: It is strange, that.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: When you've got a satirical mind that- that's as quick as that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: All right?

Ricky: And he burnt your little train set. So what did you do?

Karl: I just, like, watched telly and had some sausages.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: I bet you were happy with that though, weren't you?

Karl: Naaaah. It's a bit annoying, though, innit - when your main present of the year's been broke.

Ricky: Did- did ya ever get it fixed?

Karl: No, that was it. That was it. Put away--

Steve: I'm intrigued why your parents wouldn't let you come and join in the festive fun. Was it, like, really debauched down there? Was it like eggnog everywhere and--

Karl: Naaah, there's just a lot of--

Ricky: No, but I mean, that's fair enough. Six is a little bit early but I just think, you know, if you're a kid and you had- he had his fun, put him to bed- put him to bed at eight maybe and he won't--

Steve: You think so? On Christmas Day? I thought that was a day for family.

Ricky: Well, not if there's a party goin' on.

Karl: And uhh--

Steve: Well don't have the party on Christmas Day, is my point.

Ricky: That's- that's another option.

Steve: Yeah. Your parents are weird, aren't they? They're a strange breed.

Karl: Well, I think that was the year, right, I, uhh--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: You talk about buying presents and stuff - I think I did treat me mam to- I didn't buy me dad anything, I think that was, like, when I got a little bit older I used to get me dad something cuz he wasn't that bothered anyway--

Steve: No.

Ricky: Uhh.

Karl: So, uhh, got me mam, uhh- there was a cheap shop, right--

Steve Laughs

Steve: 'Course.

Karl: Uhh--

Ricky: Thank God for that.

Karl: Called "Snips", right--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: So I went in there and I thought, "Let's see what I can get her", and remember, uhh, Victoria Plum?

Steve: I don't think so.

Karl: Well it's like a fairy character.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right. And me mam's into gnomes and stuff, right, so--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: I thought, "Right--"

Steve: She'd be pleased with you, then.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) AHH, "Victoria Plum". I was thinking, "Is that one of the neighbors? Is it- is it like a brandy liquor?"

Steve: Yeah. "Remember Victoria Plum".

Ricky: Victoria Plum.

Karl: Victoria Plum, yeah. It's like a little fictional sort of character, right.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: So, uhh- so I saw it, I thought, "Yeah, she'll love that", right? So, I did me paper round, saved up for two weeks, right?

Ricky: Awww.

Karl: Got that sorted, went to Snips, bought the, uhh, Victoria Plum. Next day, I'm in- I'm in town with her, right. So I think, "Ahh, I know what I'll do!", I said, "Come- come in here a minute", right. S- uhh, so we go in and we're looking around and I tested her, right. I went, "Look at that, there, that's all right, innit?" and she goes, "Oh, it's bloody awful."

Steve Exhales In Pain

Ricky: Oh Karl!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh Karl! I just- I- I- oh God!

Karl: So then, Christmas Day comes and I said--

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: "Don't bother openin' it", she said, "No, no, why?"

Ricky: OH NOO! Why did you still give it to her?!

Karl: So- well it's too late, I'd already bought it!

Ricky: Oh Karl!

Karl: So she opened it and I was like, (Exhales) and she said, "Oh, that's nice", I said, "Why you sayin' that?", I said, "The other day you said it's bloody awful". She said, "No, no, I thought you were pointing at something else."

Ricky: Awwwwwww noo!

Karl: So that's why I don't get anyone anything anymore.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing and Clapping) OH GOD! Play a record.

Athlete - You Got the Style Begins To Play

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh God! Ohhh!

Song: Athlete - You Got the Style

This Isn't a Nice Show At All

Song: Goldrush - I Let You Down

Ricky: That was good, innit?

Steve: Not bad.

Ricky: Goldrush, "Let You Down". I'm- I'm s- actually quite affected by Karl's Victoria Plum scenario. Just the fact that, that- that eagerness- he- he wants to make sure it's a great present, he saved up- his paper round- he thinks, "It's like a gnome, but modern".

Steve: I'm worried that you're using it as an excuse, now, and that's why you're not buying anyone any gifts. Cuz you've had your fingers burnt once. I mean, you were six, seven years old, to be fair.

Ricky: No you weren't. You were about thirteen, weren't ya - cuz you were doing your paper round?

Karl: Yeah--

Steve: Oh, right.

Karl: I must of been- I must of been- yeah, eleven or twelve then.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: Yeah. So, I'd saved up... I'm not- I'm not usin' it as a thing, it's just that--

Steve: What'd you get your mom this year?

Karl: Ehhm, I've sent 'em some money so they can, uhh, get a passport.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: (Laughing) So they can get a passport? What, are they illegal immigrants?

Ricky: (Laughing) Where are they? Are they trapped somewhere?

Karl: No, because they need em'!

Ricky: Are they- the- are they in a holding bay somewhere in Dover?!

Steve: Yeah- yeah they got a friend who's a truck driver--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Who's gonna sneak 'em across. For- for New Year's--

Ricky: What do you mean?!

Steve: So they can buy a passport?! What do they do, sell it when they were in the- when they were down in the rough?!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: No, they- they haven't got that much money, right. They've never been abroad and their mate said they might, uhh, take 'em this year and they said, "Ooh, we haven't got a passport", so I thought--

Steve: You haven't got to buy a passport, have you?

Karl: 'Course you got--

Steve: Isn't that your God-given right as an Englishman?

Karl: No, you've got to pay for them, they're thirty quid each so you better had do otherwise they're connin' me.

Ricky: You say that like you're born with a passport. Of course you don't.

Steve: Right, so you sent them sixty quid in an envelope, have you?

Karl: Well... check.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: I love that he- he- he- he'll, uhh, he'll be watchin' telly and France will come on and he'll go, "(Inhales) Oooh, what do you think of that?", she goes, "It looks bloody awful!"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: He'll go, "Aww!--"

Steve: "Aww nooo!"

Ricky: "Don't open it. Don't open it. Don't open it. Awww."

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah! So you've not- you've not paid for a holiday for them, you- you've- you've spent--

Karl: Nah, I've just sorted out the- well, it's- it's the better prize, innit, cuz they can't go anywhere without it.

Steve: Well, the passport keeps on givin', is the perception.

Ricky: Ten years. Ten years, that- that is. Yeah.

Karl: So... but no, I never used to, I mean, I can't think of other things. I used to get me dad once- once I started getting him stuff it use- sort of, used to be, uhh, dressing gown--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then- but as a extra surprise I used to put, like, a cigar in the pocket so he'd think that was it--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And he'd put it on and put his hand in pocket--

Steve: Right.

Karl: "Karl, what's this?"

Steve: And then he'd hit you because he thought you'd nicked it.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: So...

Ricky: Aww dear.

Steve: So you bought him a jacket with the cigar, that's quite thoughtful.

Ricky: Didn't you sneak a cigar once on Christmas?

Karl: Yeah, well it was when- that was when they used to have, like, the big "do"s, like I say, you know they were- they were known for it. Like, the whole estate used to know that, you know, we were having a party.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, uhh--

Ricky: To your house.

Steve: So they'd all come 'round.

Karl: So they'd all come 'round--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And scaff food and drink--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And that and, uhh--

Ricky: I can not imagine- I can not imagine how unpleasant that must of been.

Steve: Awful. Awful.

Ricky: And you locked in your bedroom with a broken train set.

Steve: Yeah. Cryin'.

Ricky: And- and looking at Victoria Plum--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Whatever that was.

Steve: In the bin.

Ricky: Aww, in the bin, yeah! And you hear your mum sayin', "And he got me this. Isn't this shit!"

Steve: "Got me this. Piece of rubbish!"

Ricky: He could hear 'em just throwin' it against the wall and laughing!

Steve: Yeah, and all- and all the neighbors laughing!

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And you'd come down, it'd just be in pieces with loads of spit on it.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Just loads of gob on it.

Steve: Just scratched down the eyes.

Ricky: And all the polaroids of them just, like, laughing at him--

Steve: Yeah, and pointing.

Ricky: Stamping on it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All right!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: You've brought it all flooding back.

Karl: I, uhh... But no, I used to get up in the morning and then, like- they'd still- still, sort of, all be there asleep on the floor and on the sofa--

Ricky: Awwww!

Steve: Aww, that's awful!

Ricky: Karl!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's terrible! Christmas is surely the one day a year which is a family thing, it's for the kids, they're the ones that are--

Karl: No, no, that was Boxing Day.

Steve: Well I know but--

Ricky: Ah, that's all right then. (Laughs) He sort of goes, "It's over."

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: "Back on the bike." "All right." "Who's gonna pay for this?" "Me?!" "Yes, Karl--"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "You're doing two rounds today!"

Steve: Yeah, was your paper round supporting the entire family?

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Karl: No, so- so I used to get up and, like, go downstairs and they'd be asleep so I'd be mooching about, trying to find, like, another present that's still working, right.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Karl: So, uhh, yeah--

Ricky: (Laughing) I love the idea that these people from the estate had, like, squashed his presents.

Karl: So, uhh- yeah, so I found a cigar that had been, sort of, lit up and then put out so I thought, "Aw, I'll have a go at that."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I went outside and had a go and that's the last time I smoked.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Sort of, I tried it, I thought, "I don't like that"--

Ricky: I like the fact that he does everything once.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: And his life (Giggles) is a line of "I've done everything once, I don't need to do it again." Aww, dear.

Steve: You know, I've said in the past to you, Rick, that my grandparents, though I love them dearly- but it's like for the last thirty years they've been waiting to die.

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: It's like they just, sort of- it's like, you know, the novelty wore off, of life.

Ricky: (Laughing) Life in the fifties.

Steve: And they just got kind of bored of it. Like, yeah, the forties it was brilliant - all sat around the old joe annice, the bombs fell, singin', they loved that. The fifties, you know, that was great as well cuz that was the post-war years, it was, you know, a bit tight in the pocket but, it was all right, everyone pulled together. Then the sixties came along, all the crazy music, the funny hair--

Ricky: Let's- let's stay in bed!

Steve: They- they- exactly, they've basically stayed in bed and, uhh, it was one Christmas when, um, my grandmother said to my dad, uh, "What would you like for Christmas? What do you fancy for Christmas?", and, uhh, this must of been... I don't know, twenty years ago. She said, uhh, "What do you, uhh- what do you fancy for Christmas, Ron?" and he went, "Well, you know, I could do with a nice, big, kind of warm winter overcoat", she said, (Whispering) "Don't worry about that.", she said, (Whispering) "Don't worry about that cuz your father will be dead soon, it's all right, you can have his." - meaning my grandad. My- I'll be honest with you, my father's still waiting.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Which is good news. Good news for my grandfather, less good news for my dad--

Ricky and Steve: He's freezin'.

Steve: Frankly.

Ricky: He phones up, "How is he today?", "He's fine.", he goes, "Okay. Aw, I'm freezin'."

Steve: It is ver- it's such a weird mindset, that. I think it's- that, to me, is what sums up people from that older generation - the forties and fifties. And it seems to me that you've got that kind of mindset. It's like you were born in the thirties and whenever you talk of your childhood, it's like you had, like, a baked potato to take to school.

Ricky: I th- well I th- no, but I th--

Steve: And got a hoop with a stick as a Christmas gift.

Ricky: The other thing is: I think that it- it- it- that sort of generation it- it seems that the man is dependent on the woman.

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: There's a total dependence.

Steve: Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Ricky: If- if she dies, he's done.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: He's done for. He- he'll just pine away. If he dies, she's got thirty year of pottering.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Goin' to, like, I don't know, the youth club and the church--

Steve: I know what you mean, yeah.

Ricky: It- it's sort of like the- it's- it's sad- it's sad- of course it's sad for them, but it's s- not the end of their life.

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: And it sort of is, the other way 'round. I don't know why that is.

Steve: I know what you mean. Yeah.

Ricky: It's terrible.

Steve: That's a little melancholy thought for, uhh, Christmastime.

Ricky: I know, I've really brought it- you've brought it down, you've brought it down. I've wa- this isn't a nice show at all. This is terrible.

Karl: Well, I didn't really want to make it--

Ricky: We're gonna have people just killing themselves.

Karl: Uhh, well...

Ricky: What?

Karl: Well, I didn't want really want to make it a Christmas-ey type show because I don't really like it.

Steve: Not interested.

Ricky: Oh, he's done it again! Well, he did Christmas once, didn't like it!

Karl: No, it's just--

Ricky: Play a record!

Karl: I'm not- I'm not religous or anything.

Teenage Fanclub - Christmas Eve Begins To Play

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: You're- what are you?! You're not anything.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl Makes An Utterance

Ricky Giggles

Song: Teenage Fanclub - Christmas Eve

I Like the Idea of It

Steve: Teenage Fanclub from the XFM Christmas Album and that's "Christmas Eve".

Ricky: Their guitar sounds are just brilliant. They're just always so nice. All right, Karl, did ya like that? Did you like Teenage Fanclub?

Karl: Yeah, yeah. They're good. They're all right.

Steve: Karl, I feel like you've never, kind of, enjoyed the wonder of Christmas. I don't think- I can't ever get the sense- maybe except when you were very, very young- you know, that kind of bright-eyed, you know, thinking of Santa, you know, kind of, uhh, landing on the roof and coming down the chimney and drinking the- the sherry or whatever--

Karl: It was- I like- I like the idea of it, right--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: The- the, sort of, you know, uhh- I used to like- I used to get a couple of annuals every year, you know what I mean--

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, so did I, yeah.

Karl: And I was allowed to open one on Christmas Eve.

Steve: Aww that's brilliant.

Karl: Uhhmm--

Ricky: Just, yeah--

Steve: (Laughing) So they could throw it on the fire!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: No, I think- I think the, uhh--

Ricky: He needed something to light his--

Steve: "Have a quick skim through, do the word search. Right."

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. "I need something to light my cigar off the cooker." Awww.

Steve: Well anyway, listen, a good friend of ours, Ross Noble the comedian, brilliant, he gave me this picture, Karl, which he's got from a magazine.

Ricky: He loves you, he thinks you--

Steve: And I have to say, I think this- (Laughs Slightly) I just looked at it then.

Ricky: (Giggling) What--

Steve: Obviously it's not going to mean much to the listener--

Ricky: Aww, this is self-indulgent but I am--

Steve: But it is currenty available, I think it's in the current edition of "Bizarre Magazine" so, um, you might want to buy that and you can--

Ricky: It's not horrible, is it?

Steve: It- it- there's a certain- there's a certain grotesqueness about it.

Ricky: Awww.

Steve: But I just think, I--

Ricky: It's a deformed person, isn't it?

Steve: Well, to a degree, but I think what it's gonna do for Karl, is give him, I think- just for you and I, Rick--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We're gonna see his face--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Light up?

Steve: Brighten up, lighten up like opening a wonderful Christmas gift.

Karl: Do you know what, I think I've seen this. Is this the one... with the kid with the big head?

Steve: I'll be honest with you Karl, it is. Have you seen it already?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Let me just show it to you again so you can confirm that it is.

Karl: It's like--

Ricky: I haven't seen it.

Karl: It's like--

Ricky Ricky Sees It And Laughs

Karl: Yep. Yep.

Ricky: We shouldn't be laughing at that!

Karl: No but, that is like the kid who I went to school with.

Ricky Wheezes With Laughter

Karl: That is the same.

Steve: That can't be the same.

Ricky: So do you recognize him?

Pause

Karl: Seriously. That- that- that is the same thing he had.

Ricky: Aww I- awww I'm not sure--

Steve: I mean, I have to say that it does look like it's been computer generated, it's so odd.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Awww, I d--

Steve: But look at the- the child's face.

Ricky: I know--

Steve: Look at his reaction! "Don't take another photo of me".

Ricky: I kn- I'm not sure this is right.

Steve: It's not right. It's not right. But I just- I was hoping that that would give you, Karl, just a little glimpse of, uhh, wonder--

Ricky: We've had a little request as well on the- the best bits - someone wants to hear you talking about your mates with the big heads.

Karl: I'm gonna leave it because everytime we go there, I get- we get some sort of complaint about something.

Ricky: About what?

Karl: It's best just to leave it. Well, that- for some reason that always goes from the story of me dad goin' to Blackpool--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Taking those kids there.

Ricky: What kids?

Karl: And- f- leave it.

Ricky: No, w- w- what? I don't know- there's people out there who don't know what you're talkin' about.

Karl: Well, I'll tell you when we put a song on.

Ricky: No, well I know what it is but you can't just say that--

Karl: Well if you want to know- well, email in. Email in.

Ricky: Okay, is it when your dad put a kid in the wheelie bin?

Karl: (Exhales) Yep.

Ricky: Cuz it was gettin' out of hand.

Karl: Yeah, so we're gonna be doing--

Steve: We can't go through it again, Rick. It's too controversial.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: We're gonna- we're gonna... whatshername. Well, the thing is, right, you were just saying about "what are ya?" about Christmas--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: That's a funny thing, right, cuz in our house there's no one who's religious, right--

Steve: No.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: My dad got annoyed when I went to church that day, it was like, "What are you doin' that for?"

Steve: 'Course.

Karl: I went to see a gig in Liverpool... remember the band The Christians?

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: He thought I'd joined some club.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I said, "I've been to see The Christians", he was sayin' to me mam, "What- what's he doin' goin' out with them?"

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: And then, umm--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: The other thing is - because I'm not christened or anythin', me mam used to say to me, "Don't tell anyone that... because there's witches and stuff."

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) I just- I wanta- I want to go back and see his upbringing.

Steve: I really, yeah.

Ricky: I just want to go back and see him at seven. One day- one day in the life of Karl at age seven.

Steve: Just- just have three ghosts visit him, tonight--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: And take him back through time, but we could go with him.

Ricky: We go w- well we can be some of the ghosts.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I just like--

Steve: "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Remember this?"

Ricky: Aww, that's am- that's incredible. "Cuz there's witches" and don't--

Steve: So- so- is there any more?

Ricky: So she thought- she wasn't a Christian but she thought maybe someone could take your soul, cuz you weren't christened.

Karl: Well it's like, uhh--

Ricky Coughs

Karl: There's- there's cults and that isn't they and if they find out you're not christened then--

Ricky: Right. I don't think they care. I don't think a lot of cults care.

Karl: Well...

Steve: But what can they do if you're- if- if you're not christened. I just don't know what--

Karl: I don't know, I just said, "All right" because- the- then through that time the- there must of been a time when that was a problem.

Ricky: But hold on, how would they know?

Karl: Yeah, but I'm older now so I'm all right. She used to worry about me playing out on the street--

Ricky: Oh, she was worried about when you were naive and stupid and easily lead.

Karl: Well...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. No, no, no, good point! No, you're all right now, yeah!

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: So...

Ricky: Um, yeah. Good.

Karl: "Rockbusters" now.

Ricky: "Rockbusters" - tell the prizes, Steve. We've got Christmas gifts. This is Christmas gifts.

Steve: Yeah we have got some, uhh- I don't know if you'll receive them in time to actually pass them off as gifts--

Ricky: I wonder if I can tell that, umm, uhh, Ross Noble story... that he told us.

Steve: I don't know, we'll have to discuss that when the record's playing.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Umm, okay, so you heard a track from it just then, this is the XFM Christmas album. I think that's been knocking around here, in the office, for years, hasn't it, Karl?

Karl: Umm, it--

Steve: Or is it new this year?

Karl: It- it was brought out about two years ago but--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Christmas songs are--

Steve: Christmas songs are Christmas songs.

Karl: Pretty timeless aren't they?

Steve: Yeah, it's not bad, it's got things on here like the Dandy Warhols, the Webb Brothers are on there, Drugstore, Belle and Sebastian, Flaming Lips, all sorts. So we've got that to give away. We've also got this, umm, Smashing Pumpkins compilation which we seem- again that seems to be knockin' around for weeks. Another one of those "Fifty Years of the Greatest Hit Singles... I don't know, Culture Club's on there, Queen obviously... Lennon--

Ricky: I've just seen the cult film!

Steve: Yeah, uhh, the com- the cult film we'll come back to, surely. This, I think is one of the most exciting gifts: if you have a video player and you want to get trim then surely "Big Brother 3" champion Kate Lawler and her "Cardio Combat" video in which, I think she uses, kind of, I don't know, military kickboxing training to get you trim and taut--

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: And looking as good as her, then you can get that as well. We've also got, uhh, a exclusive seven inch single from The White Stripes, a kind of Christmas single, is that, from them?

Karl: Yeh. Yeh.

Steve: That must be quite rare, that's probably the only thing worth hanging on to.

Ricky: That's quite good.

Karl: That is worth something.

Steve: Ahd uhh--

Ricky: That is worth something.

Steve: The current Badly Drawn Boy album "Have You Fed The Fish?" which--

Ricky: Well that- that--

Steve: I think is slightly mediocre.

Ricky: They've gone up, actually, I think that the- the level of prizes has gone up.

Steve: Not a bad selection but here is the big movie and I have to say this is not a bad one, it's just, uhh--

Ricky: No, again it's not- not terrible at all, it quite--

Steve: It could be worse, it's, uhh, James Caan in the original "Rollerball", not the disasterous remake that came out recently--

Ricky: No.

Steve: But, uhh, the DVD version of "Rollerball" so that's there as well. So, some in- fairly interesting gifts.

Ricky: That's worth winning. Right, come on then, let's do "Rockbuster".

Karl: Well, will we play a song to--

Steve: Let's play a tune and we'll come to- yeah.

Karl: Give them time to get a pen and paper and that?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah. So, we're doing it next.

Unknown Song Begins To Play

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: No.

Song: Unknown Artist - Unknown Song

I've Cleverly Tweaked Them

Ricky: (Mid-Sentence) ...Karl Pilkington - the man of the moment with his "Rockbusters" coming your way, with all those great prizes.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: "Yep".

Ricky: "Yep."

Karl: Right are we, uhh--

Ricky: "Yep."

Karl: Doin' it now?

Ricky: "Yep."

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: "Yep."

Karl: Uhh, I noticed "Heat Magazine", sort of, put a bit of a spanner in the works.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Cuz they were sayin', "Ooh, maybe it'll be a Christmas edition of 'Rockbusters'", and I'd already sorted 'em out.

Ricky: D- I wouldn't worry, Karl.

Karl: Well, what I've done... I've cleverly tweaked them...

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: To make them Christmas-ey.

Ricky: (Laughing) Oh God.

Karl: So the Christmas bit in it has got nothing to do with- with it whatsoever but I just thought...

Steve: So you mean the clues have a Christmas element?

Karl: W- yeah--

Ricky: But- but it has nothing to do with the answer.

Karl: It's nothing- yeah. It's nothing to do (Laughing) with the answer. All right.

Ricky: So why don't you just ask the normal ones and I'll- I'll ring a bell- I'll shake some bells.

Steve: Yeah. And go, "Ho! Ho! Ho!".

Karl: Well it's the equivalent of that but in, sort of, speech. Right? So...

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: The first one: uhmm, "There's a load of letters, uhh, there, askin' for advice. Put them on Claire's desk. Oh, and, uh, have a good Christmas."

Ricky and Steve Howl With Laughter

Steve: (Giggling) Now, give it- give it to us again.

Ricky: Oh God!

Karl: Right, so, "There's a load of letters askin' for advice. Put 'em on Claire's desk. Oh, and have a good Christmas."

Steve: Right.

Karl: All right?

Steve: Bear in mind, people, that the Christmas element may not be relevant to these clues.

Karl: No, that's got nothin' to do with it. I don't want to... you know.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And the initial there is F. All right? That's F.

Steve: All right.

Karl: Right, the second one...

Ricky Exhales Loudly

Karl: "Ask your mam if you should.... after you've wrapped the presents."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: All right? So that's--

Steve: (Laughing) "Ask your mam if you should".

Karl: "Ask your mam if you should after you've wrapped the presents." That's, uhhhm, that's S.

Steve: S. All right.

Karl: All right?

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: And the last one: uhhhm, "A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter... but it's busy in there cuz it's Christmas."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: That's probably what brought it on. So that's- that's B.

Ricky: (Calming Down) Ooooooh.

Karl: B.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: B.

Ricky: Ooooh God!

Karl: So, they're the- they're the three. Will I just, uhh, recap?

Steve: Yes, please.

Ricky: Yeah. I've- I've no idea, I can't even- I don't know what to start thinking- I'd- well.

Karl: Uhh, so... so the first one... All right "There's a load of letters there askin' for advice. Put 'em on Claire's desk.--"

Steve: "Have a good Christmas."

Karl: "Oh, and have a good Christmas".

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Second one: "Ask your mam if you should".

Steve: "After you wrap the presents."

Karl: S.

Ricky Exhales Loudly

Karl: And the last one: "A couple of people were argwin- arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter--"

Steve: "But it's busy in there because it's Christmas."

Karl: "It's busy cuz it's Christmas". That's B. So they're the three things.

Steve: It's email only, this one, please remember that. [email protected]. [email protected].

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: So, brilliant.

Ricky: Karl looks happy with them--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He looks really happy.

Steve: And rightly so, they're cracking.

Karl: Yeah, they're good.

Steve: Yeah, pleased with those.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Are there going to be more "Rockbusters" in the new year? We're not sure?

Karl: UUhhhhhm, I'm- I'm still, you know, thinkin' about new ideas that we can do.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Uhhm, are we startin' "Rickydiculous" today? Have you done anything?

Ricky: Couldn't be bothered.

Steve: Couldn't be bothered.

Karl: All right, couldn't be ar- all right.

Steve: Look forward to "Rickydiculous" in the new year.

Ricky: Look, he's worried about- he nearly said, "arsed" and he just stopped. Cuz he's worried.

Karl: Yeah, well...

Ricky: Cuz he's the producer.

Karl: Yeah, well I've got to set a standard, don't I?

Steve: Oh dear!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Karl, you have, mate.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: You have.

Karl: So, that's that. We've still got to come, uhh, "Educatin--"

Ricky: Oh, I'll tell you what, why don't we have, umm, a lovely tune, right--

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You make the tea, we'll open these biscuits from Alexandra--

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: We'll be enjoyin' that, right, maybe segway so we can have a nice little, you know, rest, I don't wanna talk through it, it'd be rude and then we're comin' back and as part of, like, "Pilkington"... Parkinson--

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And "Do We Need 'Em?"... "Do We Need Them?"--

Steve: (Chuckling) Yeah.

Ricky: Karl has interviewed an expert--

Ricky and Steve: On jellyfish.

Steve: Brilliant. So, we've got that plus, of course, we've got two part- a two-part "Educating Ricky".

Karl: You've got "Educating Ricky" still to come.

Steve: With a Christmas theme or not?

Karl: Uhhhm--

Ricky: And we've still got things like--

Karl: No.

Ricky: The Pogues, John Lennon, Joni Mitchell- just- David Bowie--

Steve: Are you- are you suggesting there's going to be some great music and some fun chat?

Ricky: Great music and some fun chat.

Steve: (Laughing) Lovely.

Song: The Pogues feat. Kirsty McCall - Fairytale of New York