08 February 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 08 February 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

More Features Than Karl Has on His Face

Song: The Cardigans - For What It's Worth

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) Oooh, chilly weather, why not put on a cardigan?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) That was The Cardigans.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) And "For What It's Worth". A lovely tune there. (Normal Voice) Uhh--

Steve: Ohh, that's a joy.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: We should definitely talk like that more often.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. All right?

Karl: All right?

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: How's it going?

Ricky: Well, we got a jam-packed show today--

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: We got- we got- awww- we got so many feat- we got more features than Karl's got on his face--

Steve Laughs While Drinking

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Which is- which is about the same as Morph.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Very few. It's just- it's just really a head, innit? The little--

Steve: That's where I've seen him before!

Ricky: Morph!

Steve: On "Take Hart".

Ricky: (Laughing) Ye-yeah, yeah!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Umm, we've got, uhh, "Rockbusters". That's- that's--

Steve: (Disappointed) Have we?

Ricky: Still going strong.

Steve: Aw, you know my feelings on that but fair enough.

Ricky: No, but he's- he's gonna- he's said he's gonna, um, buck his ideas up. We've got "Oooh Chimpanzee That!" - Karl finds a- a- an amusing, uh, monkey or ape-related story. Umm, we've got, uhh, "Karl in a Film" again.

Steve: Right. Excellent. Yeah, we've got a lot of great response from that, Karl, on the internet and on the email--

Ricky: It was my favorite thing that we've done.

Steve: People raving about that.

Ricky: Umm, and--

Steve: So, what, uh- can we say what the film is that we--

Ricky: And 'scuse mah French, we've got some bloody great music.

Steve: (Laughs Slightly) Ahhh. P- pardonnez moo- moi... I don't know, I can't speak French--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I'm not a translator.

Ricky: Well, I'll just give you a taster: we've got Oasis, Cardigans which you've just heard there, we've got Lloyd Cole, we got a bit of Pretenders coming up, Eminem, Feeder, Coldplay, all the greats.

Steve: Can I play some Teenage Fan Club later, Rick?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What should we have now?

Pause

Karl: Oasis?

Ricky: Go on, then.

Karl: Yeah?

Karl Presses a button.

Steve: Brilliant.

Song: Oasis - Songbird

Michael Jackson's Hands

Ricky: Oasis and "Songbird". That's a nice little ditty.

Steve: It's all right, yeah.

Ricky: Of a Saturday.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Steve: Yes. Thank you.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I- I think we should go straight into it, Karl. I think you should- we should, uh, do the competition, the- the, uh, "There's Karl in the Corner" or whatever.

Steve: It seems a little premature, don't you think?

Ricky: Do you reckon?

Steve: Yeah, I think so--

Ricky: Do you reckon- save it--

Steve: Yes! Exactly.

Ricky: We should- we should tease it out a little.

Steve: Well, it's a big- it's a big thing.

Ricky: It's just that I've got absolutely nothing to say. I've--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I haven't really--

Steve: Well, I mean, I- often you'll have spoken to Karl in the week. This week, for some reason I've been speaking to him.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Steve: I spoke briefly to him about Michael Jackson... and the documentary.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now, of course I thought that was extraordinary--

Ricky: Amazing. Amazing piece of work.

Steve: And, uh, I asked Karl for his opinion.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he didn't mention to me, uh, the fact that Michael Jackson likes to climb up in trees--

Ricky: No.

Steve: He didn't mention anything about his bizarre relationship with children, he didn't mention anything about his obsessive billionaire spending sprees--

Ricky: Right.

Steve: He didn't spend- mention anything about the, uhh, mannequins he has in his thing or the fact that he drives around his- his, sort of, seven hotel suites in Las Vegas in a little, kind of, old people's scooter. The first- the only thing of note, for Karl, was- he said to me, "Did you notice how big his hands are?"

Ricky: I'll tell you what, though... I did.

Steve: WHAT- ya- how are you looking at- the man's got... like, a face that he's had reconst- well--

Ricky: I know.

Steve: I can't- seems so- that's libelous--

Ricky: Yeah, no, no, he hasn't.

Steve: But he's got an awful... face.

Ricky: He hasn't. Yeah, he's had two- he's had two nose jobs. Yeah.

Steve: And you're looking at his hands?!

Ricky: But I think it's because you look at him and he looks a bit like... it- it- there's a bit of androgyny there but it's, sort of, like a... it is quite a, um, petite, sort of, old lady's face, in a way. But then you see these (Laughing Slightly) laborer's hands come out. That's always the way with a tranny, innit? You know what I mean?

Steve: What you c- can't accuse him of being a tranny!!!

Ricky: No, he's not! No, I'm- no he's not a tran--

Steve: What are you saying?!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) No, I know, he's not.

Steve: He's got enough issues, now you're accusing him of being a tranny!

Ricky: I like him. I thought he came out of that brilliant. I- I thought he was really- I really felt sorry for him, ehm, and, uh- no, I think it- he cleared up a few things as far as I'm concerned. I thought it was a fascinating piece of work. But, umm, I- I did like the shopping spree, that was great.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: He was going around just pointing--

Steve: Because he's got such bad taste.

Ricky: I know, it was bad taste, wasn't it? It was like one of those bizarre shops--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean? Those anything- sort of, gift shop but they're trying to make it look like Ming.

Steve: But if he'd- yeah, if he'd--

Ricky: And sprayed gold.

Steve: If he'd been living in a trailer park he'd of been ordering, you know, one of those, uh, porcelain dolls dressed like a Harley-Davidson bike rider--

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: Or, you know, an Elvis commemorative plate.

Ricky: But--

Steve: It was, kind of, the billionaire equivalent of that.

Ricky: But the hands were a giveaway. It's the same as those, sort of--

Steve: What do you mean, "the hands were a giveaway"?! What--

Ricky: Transvestites--

Steve: What was it about his hands?! I didn't even see his hands.

Ricky: Well, you know when you get, like, a cab driver or sommat, right, and he- he decides to go- turn transsexual about 60 and he goes on "Kilroy"...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's that way. And he got a twin set and high heels and he goes, (Husky Voice) "I've never felt so comfortable." But his hands are still big, he's got a little wig and he's got the lipstick on and he's with his teenage kids who are going, "Kill me." But it's--

Steve: Do you think he's been having surgery on his hands to make them larger?

Ricky: Bigger- yeah I w--

Steve: Is that why he was wearing that glove through most of the '80s?

Ricky: Exactly. Because he's get- I think he wants to be a goalkeeper.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

Ricky: And they said, "You- you can't, Michael. You gotta have big hands."

Steve: It would help him climb the trees.

Ricky: It is- it is- (Laughs Slightly) yeah, yeah. And he can play tennis now without a racket.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: So, uhh--

Steve: So, what did you make of it, Karl? Were you intrigued?

Karl: Ehhm, the Michael Jackson thing?

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: It was- you know, it was all right but, umm... like, that got a load of attention in the press but the Tricia program got nothing.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Okay.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Which, uhh--

Ricky: What was that?

Karl: I know- like, Steve called me up in the week, right, uhh, like, 10 o'clock in the morning and I was at work--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And he goes, uhh, "You--"

Ricky: It was a big show at 10 o'clock- it was a big...

Steve: Preparing this show.

Ricky: Most people go to work about 8 or 9.

Karl: "Are you watchin' 'Tricia' and that?" I said, "No, what is it?" He goes, "Aw, you'll be lovin' it", right. Uhhmm--

Ricky: Freaks? Was it f-f- "Help Me, My Mum's a Freak"?

Karl: Mmm, Siamese twins.

Ricky and Karl: Right.

Karl: So, I couldn't watch it but he said, "Oh, it might be on again cuz they repeat stuff on ITV 2."

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So, I- I had me dinner late--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: Instead of having it at, like, 1 o'clock like I normally do--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I had it at, like, 2:30--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Sat in the office, put the telly on, ITV2. Ehhm, these Siamese twins--

Steve: Did it blow your mind?

Karl: It was amazing... You know, we talk about a lot of things on the show quite a lot - the hairy kids crop up a lot.

Ricky Cackles

Ricky: (Laughing) I was waitin'! It's been 10 minutes and you haven't mentioned the hairy kid.

Karl: Right? And, uhh, last week we were talking about Siamese twins, weren't we?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, it was- it was weird that this program was on. But, it was amazing... I mean, what- what--

Steve: I think you can't refer to them as "Siamese twins" I think they're known as "conjoined twins".

Karl: Why?

Steve: I think- I think "Siamese" is maybe considered derogatory or as an old antiquated phrase.

Ricky: Yeah, I think it's cuz the first famous ones were actually from Siam.

Steve: Right, right. Anyway--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) And- and that doesn't exist anymore!

Karl: But s--

Steve: Conjoined, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Get the phrase right.

Karl: But you'd think that if that's happened to ya... that wouldn't be that, sort of, offensive. The names that you must get called...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right. You think that's the least of your worries?

Karl: "Siamese twins" I'd say- well, that's... yeah, least of your worries.

Steve: Now, were you stunned by where--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: They were connected?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "Just live with it", you'd say. Ri--

Steve: Because they were connected, of course, at- at the forehead.

Ricky: Awww, C--

Steve: Sort of- which was quite- quite extraordinary.

Ricky: God. What if one had bad breath?

Steve: I d- that wasn't a question that Tricia asked.

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Steve Laughs

Steve: Annoyingly, cuz I know that much of the audience was thinking that.

Karl: There was- there was a few things that didn't crop up.

Ricky: (Laughing) Wha- what?

Steve: What questions would you of asked of them? Cuz- what things did you feel weren't mentioned?

Karl: Uhhmm...

Ricky: I'd love to just watch Karl watching amazing things!

Steve: Well, exactly. Exactly.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's like- like t- early learning.

Steve: Like, mouth slightly open- just a slight- slight--

Ricky: Yeah mouth open, slight dribble, (Gasps) looking 'round to see if anyone else has seen it.

Steve: Mmm!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) The way a cat sees a bird on the balcony.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) It can't believe its luck.

Karl: I'd probably say, "How do you buy her a- like, a birthday present?"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: A surprise gift, yeah.

Ricky Claps

Karl: Cuz, everything's ruined.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Right? Umm, I'd probably ask, uhh--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well, did you not think it was interesting that one of them had a boyfriend?

Karl: Well, that was a bit weird, wasn't it?

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: But, uhhm, what was the other thing that I was thinking when I was watching it?... Was thinking if one got into crime and was sent to prison...

Steve: Right.

Karl: What would happen?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: How would they handle that?

Ricky: (Laughing) It's brilliant! It is brilliant. If a chimp could talk...

Karl: And, uhh, what was the other one? The other thing was, uhhm, what do they talk about? Because it's not as if you can say, "Oooh, you'll never guess what I did today."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve Continue to Laugh

Karl: So...

Ricky and Steve Continue to Laugh

Song: The Pretenders - Brass in Pocket

We're Not Taking the Mickey

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Ehhh, "Brass in Pocket" and if, uhhh, they're pretending to be good, they're doing a bloody good job of it.

Steve Giggles

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) I love them. That's Ricky Gervais on XFM 104.9. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl is still buzzing about these conjoined twins.

Karl: Nah, it's just--

Steve: One of them of course, had to be- because one of them was, sort of, shorter than the other and had to be, sort of, wheeled around on a kind of trolley... thing by--

Ricky: Oh, is this--

Steve: By the other- by the other--

Ricky: This isn't Molly and Dolly, is it?

Steve: No, they're not called- one's called Reba--

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: And I forget what the other one's called. Shena maybe or something like that.

Ricky: I--

Steve: Do you- do you remember Karl?

Karl: No, I wasn't that impressed with their names.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: It's just--

Steve: Yeah. So you immediately put them out of your mind.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "Those are rubbish names! Daaaah, forget it, forget it. Karl, forget it!"

Ricky: Were they- w--

Steve: "(Zoom Sound) they're gone."

Ricky: Were they British or American?

Steve: American. Yeah, American.

Ricky: Alright cuz I saw sommat- I've seen some Americans on Jerry Springer.

Steve: Well, bizarrely, one of them was apparently a country music star...

Ricky: This is Molly and Dolly!

Steve: Well, they're not called Molly and Dolly!

Ricky: The one that joined at the oi- the one that joined--

Steve: But they're not- I think you've made up the "Molly and Dolly".

Ricky: No, it was on "Jerry Springer". There's a little one that sits on a seat and the other one carries it around- her around, (Laughs Slightly) uhh, and--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: They're not called Molly and Dolly.

Ricky: There was something like that.

Steve: They're called- well we know that one of them's called Reba and I forget the other name.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) And one of them's a country and western singer or sommat.

Steve: Yeah, and one of- but she was saying, "Yeah, I've just made a movie... It's coming out shortly in theaters."

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: "Is your sister in it?"

Steve: Yeah, and the other one said, "Oh, I'm not involved."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I d- it- utterly bizarre. Cuz they- they live their- they work so hard to live their lives seperately--

Ricky: Yeah, they say it's a- exactly, of course, yeah.

Steve: It's all- you know, they try not to- so... so, she's talking about her music career and the other one's, sort of, not taking any, kind of, credit for it - which is nice, I suppose.

Karl: It's weird, though. Cuz when she was singing as well, the other one just stands there, she doesn't join in, she doesn't, sort of, dance--

Steve: Offer backing vocals.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Do you know what I mean? Make a group out of it.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: A duo?

Karl: Yeah, well... But it seems like we're, sort of, bein' horrible but we're not--

Ricky: No, we're not!

Karl: I mean, it's a really bad thing but--

Ricky: No- no, we- we're laughing at Karl's amazement--

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: At- at this phenomenon. Sorry, I- we- I just got to say that we're not- we're not, you know--

Karl: Do you know the--

Ricky: Taking the mickey.

Karl: The really weird thing about all this, right?

Ricky: What?

Karl: And it's annoying because you were saying about, you know, "Ooh, what should Tricia of asked?" and all that.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: But one of 'em mentioned, ehhm, that one of 'em was adopted and the other one wasn't.

Ricky: Don't talk rubbish.

Steve Giggles

Karl: No, seriously... I didn't understand it, right--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Of course you didn't!

Karl: And then Tricia, sort of, said, "Well, let's have a chat-" and- and they were like, "No. Don't want to go into that."

Ricky: What do you mean "one was adopted and one wasn't"?

Karl: That's what they said. One of 'em...

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: I don't- don't quiz me on it but that- that's--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: What was- that's what was said.

Steve: "Hi there. I'm a--"

Steve Laughs

Steve: "Hello there. I'm a multi-millionaire--"

Ricky: "Oh, yeah."

Steve: "And I've- I've just seen your orphanage--"

Ricky: "Ah, yeah. It's lovely, isn't it?"

Steve: "And I'd like to adopt one of your children."

Ricky: "You'd like to adopt one?"

Steve: "I'd love to adopt children--"

Ricky: "Brilliant."

Steve: "Because I've got loads from around the world--"

Ricky: "Yeah."

Steve: "So I'd love to adopt one. I'll give you ten thousand towards your, uhh, your orphanage."

Ricky: "Oooh, well- well we'll speed it through, then. Yeah, yeah."

Steve: "Brilliant. Okay."

Ricky: "We've actually got two left. So--"

Steve: "I only need one." I'm only interested in one.

Ricky: "Right."

Steve: "Yeah, I don't need any more. Don't need any more."

Ricky: "Okay. They're sisters, they, uhh- they're--"

Steve: "I know it would be tragedy to break them up but I really only need one."

Ricky: "Well, 'break it up' - there's the... there's the rub, you see."

Steve: "Sure, sure."

Ricky: "Because, umm--"

Steve: "I just need the one. Here's ten thousand dollars now, you can have that, I'll sign it now, but I don't want to discuss it further."

Ricky: "Okay, I'll bring her 'round- I'll bring her 'round."

Steve: "Brilliant. Brilliant."

Ricky: "Okay." Ding Dong.

Steve: "Hi. Yeah, brilliant. You've brought my kid around."

Ricky: "Yeah, there she is, there."

Steve: "That's a joy."

Ricky: "Yeah. Yeah."

Steve: "Okay."

Ricky: "Just standing next to a bush."

Steve: "Yeah, do you wanna- can you bring her out toward me- it's like- so I--"

Ricky: "No, there's n- there's nothing behind the bush so just- you just want--"

Steve: "I just want- I wanna- I just wanna be able to walk 360 degrees around her."

Ricky: "Do you want her or not?"

Steve: "Yes I- I can't believe it!"

Ricky Laughs

Eminem - Sing for the Moment (Dream On) Begins To Play

Steve: "What's that little trolley!"

Ricky Claps

Steve: "She's talented!"

Ricky: Awwww, dear.

Steve: You're talking nonsense, Karl.

Karl: Well, whatever.

Ricky Laughs

Song: Eminem - Sing for the Moment (Dream On)