08 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off

Song: U2 - Beautiful Day

Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello, boys.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--

Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And need to go and lie down--

Ricky: But I am my own boss.

Steve: With a cold compress--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--

Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.

Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.

Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.

Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.

Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?

Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--

Steve: Uh huh.

Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Poorly.

Claire: And a bit croaky--

Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--

Claire: He coughed a bit.

Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.

Steve: To of missed this show.

Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.

Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--

Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".

Steve: Yeah.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Shall we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...

Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"

Claire Exhales in Awe

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The human monkey".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--

Ricky: And it wasn't.

Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: It was- I've--

Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.

Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?

Steve: Evans will have you there.

Claire: Should we just play some music now?

Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Claire: Okay.

Steve: Aww.

Claire: I'll get back to you on that.

Ricky: Yeah, that's...

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Karl is Very Much a Humanzee

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Tick tock, that's Coldplay and "Clocks", on XFM 104.9.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Ricky Gervais, Stephen--

Claire: I tell you- can I tell you- can I tell you, Coldplay are coming in in a couple of week's time to co-host Zoe Ball's show.

Ricky: Right. One: don't ever interrupt me.

Claire: Sorry.

Ricky: Two: tell 'em about other people's shows.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Okay, moving on, thank you.

Steve: Please do not mention that there are any other television celebrities on this channel- on this station--

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Sorry. Sorry.

Steve: We're trying to convince people it's only Ricky.

Ricky: But the interruption was the main thing.

Steve: Absolutely.

Claire: Sorry. Sorry.

Ricky: Um, well, we can't get a hold of Karl, right. We looked, he's got his- his old number out there- uh- uh--

Steve: What, his home number?

Ricky: Yeah. His home number, right, so, uhh, we went to the new records - he hasn't even given his new home number so sommat's funny goin' on, he doesn't want to be contacted. He hasn't given me his home number, I've tracked down a friend who's looking at it for us, that phone might ring at any moment, I apologize for that, but why is Karl not available?

Steve: It's interesting that neither you or I, and I like to think of ourselves as fairly close friends of Karl--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We have made him the man that he is today.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We can not get in touch with him.

Ricky: In the same way--

Steve: We can't get in touch with him.

Ricky: In the same way that that bloke bought Oliver.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I think that Karl is now ours.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well he- yeah, exac- (Laughing Slightly) I think very much- that's true, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Karl is very much like a humanzee in many ways.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: If we l- we're gonna- we're gonna lose contact with him and find him 5 years in a circus in Manchester.

Steve: Exactly. They're doing experiments on him.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. They're going--

Steve: "We can't figure him out!"

Ricky: Yeah. "Well, it's- there's something wrong with a chromosome--"

Steve: "He looks like a human but..."

Ricky: "He d- he- he acts like a- cuz humans usually stand upright."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: "And Karl likes to walk on all-fours whenever he can."

Claire Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "It's th--"

Steve: "He's not interested in other human women. He's interested in- only interested in apes."

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: "It doesn't make sense!"

Ricky: Oh my God! And he's bald.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: He is bald.

Ricky: Oh look, there's as much evidence--

Steve: And--

Ricky: For Karl being a humanzee as Oliver.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I think there's more. I think there's more. And, aww...

Steve: Well, Karl barely walks upright.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Scared of fire...

Ricky: Yeah. I kn- it- it is interesting, isn't it? Oliver was built, wasn't he?

Claire: Yeahhh.

Steve: See, I d- I--

Claire: Big boy.

Steve: I don't know know w--

Ricky: He was a- yeah, he was--

Steve: Why were you looking, Rick, I'm interested to... I'm interested that you...

Ricky: Uh--

Steve: What, your eyes were, kind of, uncontrollably drawn toward his--

Claire: Steve, they were just there.

Ricky: N-

Steve: I didn't see anything.

Claire Laughs

Steve: I was just lookin' at his face.

Ricky: No, I d--

Ricky Sighs

Steve: Sorry, Rick, but if there's something you want to get off your chest...

Ricky: Yeah, and that was the human part of it then, was it, being built like that cuz humans have a--

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Although Karl's is very tiny and hidden behind.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: And he's got- I've noticed something else as well. He's got a big red ass!

Steve: That's true.

Ricky: Hasn't he?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. It's all beginning to slide into place.

Ricky: That's... And I've seen him climb up a t- a cabinet and eat a banana as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just to--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Of a lunch time.

Steve: And peel it with his toes.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It's all coming together.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, we're gonna track him down because I- I- he's malingering. He's definitely malin--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'll tell you what, he's at home now in the garden swinging on his tire.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: He's not ill.

Steve and Claire Laugh

Steve: I think more truthfully, someone said to me, uhh- I said, uh, "Karl might be ill", they said, "Right, are you not gonna do the radio show, then?"

Ricky: Well, that's what annoys me--

Steve: I mean, that's the biggest problem is that--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean, let's be honest, we haven't got anything without Karl.

Ricky: All we've got is the hook - people are staying, listening cuz eventually they think we might get through to him at home--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And there'll be fun on this show to be had.

Steve: If we don't get in touch with Karl, I think we may as well shoot off and leave Claire alone to do the show alone.

Ricky: I've got some great music. Is that not a- is that...?

Steve: Well, it's a small- small, uhh, conversation.

Claire: Well, you could leave the music with me, I could just play it.

Ricky: That is true, isn't it?

Steve: There's not many reasons- many reasons to be here.

Ricky: Okay, well, play some great music now, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, play a great tune.

Ricky: Sure.

Claire: Okay, "Wedding Present", Steve.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah--

Steve: Oh, I'll explain what it is afterwards let's play it- it's a- it's a joy.

The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday Begins To Play

Ricky: It's a monkey- it's a monkey theme.

Steve: There is a monkey theme.

Ricky: There is a monkey connection. (DJ Voice) Call in if you know the answer!

Steve Laughs Slightly

Song: The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday